I feel like Beyonce …if she was trapped in Pittsburgh!
Dance! Dance! Where’s the smoke? Where’s the girl? Where’s my hat?
Shake what your Momma gave you, girls! Back it up!
If you look up in the sky over towards the direction of Pittsburgh, it doesn’t seem quite as bright as it did yesterday. A star in the Constellation Crazy Abby has burned out. But only temporarily, thankfully.
Dance Moms just finished up Season Numero Uno and has gone into the record books, taking with it 12 episodes of NutWad maternal behavior, disturbingly overbearing leadership and some seriously sausage fingered jazz hands.
But don’t you worry. They’ll be back.
Just like any good parent who is only concerned with their child’s welfare until the residual checks start rolling in, Season Two is in the works, and I’m sure all the Moms have already lined up more neighborhood kids to water the lawns and take in the newspapers so they can hit the road again, leaving behind husbands, boyfriends and any sense of normalcy and stability for their girls.
After bringing home the gold in the Lake Tahoe Nationals, Abby Lee Miller pulled a sharp U-turn and drove her Greyhound bus right back to Hollywood so fast she probably didn’t even lose the parking space from the last time they were in town.
The show never does a very good job of explaining how these women can constantly keep giving up everything they have back at home and hop scotch around the country, but somehow they all packed enough Mom Jeans and eye liner to just get back on the bus no questions asked, sat down, shut up and fiddled with their iPhones until they got back to Hollywood. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they were all texting neighbors and/or significant others to let them know they were not coming home, and to please feed the fish and make sure the house doesn’t smell like gas.
Somewhere on the highway I guess they must have pulled over and picked up Mom Melissa thumbing for a ride after abandoning everyone to hook up with her BoyToy, because she was back. All refreshed from tapping her guy and getting him to sign the check for another semester of dance, Melissa was back to prove that her girls are still the best.
They make it to Hollywood and head to the studio to find out what crazy Scooby Doo adventure they are going on next. Somebody at Lifetime must have drawn the short straw and been the unlucky one who had to tell Abby that maybe…umm…just once she should try to come across a little less…you know…and show a softer side before those crazy Facebook Moms torch your studio, because she was a little chilled out this time.
Maybe it was because she had already verbally broken the girls down into glassy eyed curio cabinet figurines earlier in the season, or because they just brought home the gold, or maybe just the fumes from the bus, but regardless, Abby was nicer. Still apparently smoking Cubans behind the studio, but nicer.
There was no Pretty Pyramid. All the construction paper head shots were in a straight line, and everyone gets to dance and play this week! But before you think that this is a different Abby, and the real Abby is catatonic in some Sci-Fi pod under the bus, she points out that this week isn’t about talent. So Bam! In your face! Just because you’re in the same row as Maddie doesn’t mean you can dance.
Yeah. It’s the same Abby, but this time she just implied the other girls can’t dance instead of coming right out and saying it. Psych.
So what’s the news, Abby? What’s the big deal? Why are we back in Hollywood while our other children sit next to empty chairs at Parent’s Day, picking at their emotional scars?
Wait for it…wait for it. The girls are all auditioning for a music video!!
The next 30 seconds of the show could only be heard by dogs as the girls all squealed and screamed at a pitch so high something burst behind my left eye, so I don’t really know what happened right after that.
It’s a hip hop music video, and the girls are going to be herded into a massive open cattle call like a poor man’s So You Think You Can Dance, so they need to bust it out and learn how to get down and dirty. Stat. They are going to be dancing for an “up and coming” pop star, which pretty much narrows it down to anyone except Lady Gaga. The girls have another shattering squeal and then start learning some choreography.
Spoiler Alert, in case you DVRed this bad boy: After waiting all season to finally see Abby actually choreograph something, hip hop was probably not what anyone was expecting. And probably not something anyone wanted to see. Or needed to see. Even with my blurred left eye, I’m going to have to sleep with the light on tonight. Let’s just leave it at that and move one.
Poor little half scoop Mackenzie can’t get a handle on the moves. Her center of gravity is off because she’s missing that big front tooth, and she still has that puppy thing going on where your feet and head don’t match your body, so she’s having a rough time. She cries a lot this episode. But she’s so cute I can’t stand it.
After the cattle call, the whole troupe gets called into another room and meet music producer Seven. I know, right? Like the number. That’s when you know you’re cool. Forget Madonna. Or Cher. Numbers are the new black. Staring tomorrow I would like to only be addressed as 17 and a half.
The up and coming artist is Lux. The good news is that they are ALL going to be in the music video. Another sonic boom. But the catch is that only one of them is going to be the star. Close up on Maddie going “Duh.” Then close up on Chloe going “You Wish.” Then close up on all the Moms going “Lux, who?”
Then Seven introduces the choreographer “my man” Ray, who I swear was David Archuleta from American Idol. Is there not one show in America that Ryan Seacrest doesn’t have his fingers in? Seriously? Even Lifetime? The girls start hooching up their swaggah, but Mackenzie still can’t get her groove on. She cries again.
Phase Two of the Hooch Process is a hair and nail test run, so they all skeedaddle over to the salon to get another 5 years of bad living added to their looks. The girls are all aerosoled and feathered and trashed up and painted up until they are all music video worthy. Poor Mackenzie could barely keep her big head up after all that hair was teased and hot rolled.
It was like someone took that scene in the Wizard of Oz where they shine everyone up after their long trip, but replaced the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion with Toddlers & Tiaras girls. Chris Hanson and the Dateline crew may want to circle back and check out that salon, if you know what I mean. Tiny Nia got the raw end of this deal, because she came off the other end of the conveyor belt looking exactly like she does everyday.
To secure Maddie’s spot as the lead, Melissa gets ahold of Seven and buys him a coffee. Like Seven’s name isn’t cool enough, he also has a head made for cool hats. Dude can style.
Not to be outdone, Mom Christi wants to make sure Chloe stands a chance against Maddie, and gets her an acting coach. And it’s Brad Pitt’s acting coach. Of course it is. With one hour’s notice, Brad Pitt’s acting coach is available to mentor a little girl with Cabbage Patch Doll eyes. And from what I could tell, Christi also managed to secure the stage where they film Inside the Actor’s Studio. I must be using the wrong yellow pages.
All the moms got together for a cocktail and find out about Melissa canoodling with Seven. They must all be exhausted from an entire season of yelling, because the drama was pretty non-existent. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure if Kate Gosselin wannabe Kelly even had a line this week. Maybe she lost her voice from being a complete SplatterSpaz all season.
The day of the video finally arrives, and so do the boys. This is the first time the girls have met their dance partners, so they are all a little giggly. The boys walk in looking like the director just randomly picked the first dozen kids coming off a school bus. I’m pretty certain that at least three of the boys immediately went through puberty on the spot when they got a load of how hooched up Abby’s girls were for the filming. Dang girl, meet you out by the Monkey Bars. One kid swallowed his gum.
The premise of the video is that one girl will play Lux as a child while all the other girls grind behind as back up dancers. There’s some crazy irony in there somewhere, considering that Abby spent the entire season forcibly grooming Uber Ethnic Nia to be the next Beyonce, and now the first casting call is looking for a little white girl. Nia ain’t no fool. She figured that one out right away. But she’s a hoot about it, tugs on her weave and passes the lead on to one of the other crackers. I love her. You go, girl.
Long story short…Chloe gets the lead!!!! Redemption for the cutie patootie insecure girl who is always high kicking in Maddie’s shadow. Those little Cabbage Patch eyes lit up like stars. She deserved it.
Mom Christ cried more than Mackenzie did. Luckily Melissa had some leftover Seven coffee to wash down a big slice of humble pie, because both of her kids tanked. She tries to put the “better off that Maddie didn’t get the lead” spin on it, scrambling to get her backstory straight about how now her daughter can dance the entire time and be seen on the music video by some big agent.
Before you start sending out press releases, you might want to Google “Lux” and see where that gets you. I don’t think Lady Gaga is sweating in her meat dress quite yet.
And that was that. Now it’s back home to do some laundry and re-glue and bedazzle those outfits to get them ready for next season. A little down time in Pittsburgh. Peace and quiet for a few months.
Or is it?
For all we know somewhere out in Ohio, in the Evil Lair known as Candy Apple’s Dance Center, Chaos Cathy plans her next attack.