Dance Moms: Sassy Dolls And The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Learn That Everyone’s Replaceable, Honey.Wednesday, January 11th, 2012
Seriously? We have to go through this all over again?
Why? Because you never give my kid a break…and you’re a whore.
I don’t take crap or Discover Card from these crazy Moms anymore.
Lawd. Second season and white people are still crazy.
And who says lightening can’t strike twice? Think again.
Cover your eyes people, because a second season of sequins and glitter is about to snap, crackle and jazz hand you right in the face.
You might want to also cover your ears while you’re at it, because Abby Lee Miller is ready to start clapping and screeching her way through the sophomore season of Dance Moms, and it looks like it’s gonna be a loud one.
Fresh off their victory at Nationals, which I gather is way better than the pre-Nationals and the Semi’s and the Regionals before that and the States and even dancing in the Mall Food Court during Christmas, the Abby Lee Dance Company already smells blood in the water for the upcoming Competition Season.
After bringing home the trophy and getting to star in the Lux Music Video (…pause for the Lux Who? question…) Abby and her Pittsburgh warehouse full of dancers are ready to take on the world.
Since all good Reality TV seems to focus substantially more time on drama than time management, the troupe is already behind the eight ball as they gather to prepare their numbers for the DTI Competition.
As soon as all the girls file into the rehearsal studio, it becomes apparent that little niblet Nia’s Mom is MIA. Turns out that career-minded Holly has once again chosen to go to work and make some cash to pay the bills instead of spend the evening sitting up in the glass walled Gladiator Booth watching Abby spear her daughter like a lion in the Colosseum.
I’m not actually sure what Holly does for a job, but it must be pretty gosh darn important because Girlfriend always seems to need to be doing it. I’m pretty sure she’s not the President, but whatever it is sure takes up a lot of her time. And it makes Nia sad, so that makes me sad.
Little fuzzy haired Nia. We love her.
Nia already has one major strike against her since Abby doesn’t feel that she is all that great a dancer. As if that ain’t enough Willis, as we found out last season, Nia also suffers from Abby’s relentless determination to turn her into the It Girl for every music video or commercial that ever shoots in Harlem. Abby tosses around the word ethnic like it’s her puppy’s nickname.
After pointing out that Nia’s Mom doesn’t care enough about her dancing to be in the studio, Abby, who appears to have spent her Season 1 residual check on hot rollers and a ginormous peacock feather pin creation, moves ahead with her weekly “Everyone’s Replaceable” speech.
Sometime’s I swear there must be a slot in the back of Abby’s head where she just pops that cassette in and lets it play over and over on a loop.
We get it already.
It’s kind of like the “I Have A Dream” speech, but more degrading to your morale. Good for any Child Psychologist looking to make an easy few bucks, but not so much for a young girl’s morale.
Abby also points out that since Chaos Cathy has taken her 1990′s chunky highlights, googgly eyed daughter Vivi-Anne and bad attitude back home to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apple’s Dance Center, they are now short one dancer and will need to hold open auditions. And she may bring on more than one girl because, you guessed it, everyone’s replaceable.
Following the procedures laid out in the Beat ‘Em While They’re Down Playbook, Abby then reveals her Pyramid of Shame for the first time this season.
For the uninitiated, it’s basically all the photos of all the girls stacked up like a dancer’s headshot version of the Food Pyramid. All the crap at the bottom that nobody wants, and then the tasty stuff at the top.
Tiny white toothed Maddie is at the top again. As always. Duh.
As Mom Melissa is always quick to point out, her daughter is da bomb. Younger daughter Mackenzie is also da bomb, though a little wobblier, toothless bomb.
But da bomb nonetheless.
Sex with her boyfriend is also apparently da bomb because, as you will recall last season, Melissa scooted out of town a few times to do whatchoo gotz to do to get the Dance Tuition paid. That’s a whole other show right there.
Cabbage Patch cutie Chloe, who scored the lead in the Lux (…again…Lux who?…) video is under extra pressure to perform since she has Facebook fans now. Probably more than Lux does, but I don’t have an actual tally to verify those numbers.
Meanwhile, back at the Evil Dance Lair…
In a much too short scene, we get back to Ohio to see Cathy and her Mom Villains getting ready for another strike on the Abby Lee Empire. Every time we go back there I expect to see The Penguin or The Riddler come out from behind that backdoor licking a candy apple. It is totally the Batman TV show without the cool car.
Always trying to one up Abby, Cathy still has her touch screen Pyramid of Doom. Cathy doesn’t scotch tape photos to the wall. Girl, pleez.
Hopefully we get to see a lot more of Chaos Cathy and her Mean Moms. Especially the one who always wears the boots. She’s bad ass.
Back to Pittsburgh.
To fill the empty spot (…on the team, not in Mackenzie’s mouth…) Abby is holding open auditions for a new dancer, but #1 Maddie is not worried. She still has those Marie Osmond chiclet teeth and a surprisingly level headed take on the whole competition thing. This season she has also apparently mastered the Jerseylicious smokey eye, which is a little unnerving on a 9 year old, but whatev….
After their first rehearsal for the “Sassy Dolls” group number and trying to get the kinks out, Holly finally shows up and gets into it with Abby before the front door even shuts. While Melissa, Christi and Kelly sit back like that See No Evil/Hear No Evil/Speak No Evil monkey statue you always see on vacation, Abby lays into Holly about everything from working to thinking she is all that because of her snooty education.
I guess the rule is that if you are a crazy black chick on VH1 you get to shake your head all back and forth and get all MmmHmm OhNoSheDin’t when confronted, but if you have a Doctorate you just tip your head to one side and get all Whatchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout Willis? when a Dance Teacher tells you that your daughter is not that swift.
Because that’s what Holly did. MmmHmm, that’s what she did, girl.
Holly thinks Abby is jealous of her. Abby bragged that her own father took her to a school musical on having her Period or something…I left the room for a minute so that might be slightly incorrect…then Holly got all Whatchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout Willis? again and the three monkeys got all grossed out about the Period thing.
Then it was Audition Day, and everyone but Ryan Seacrest was there lined all the way around the building. While the three Moms sat and worried about a fourth Mom breeching the force field around their Mom Clique, Abby was downstairs choosing the new dancer. After much deliberation and humiliation she chose 8 year old Kendall.
Which is a good thing, because Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill comes with her as part of the package deal.
Seriously. You tell me that Jill shouldn’t be slapping somebody in Atlanta or the OC instead of watching little kids bump into each other 5 hours a day? I thought I rolled over on my remote and switched to Bravo TV for a second before I figured it out. Kendall is on probation until Abby decides if she is a keeper. Hopefully she is not the only member of Jill’s family on probation. That would make for some juicy Housewife drama wouldn’t it?
We also got a brief second string meltdown when crazy Mom Leslie came out of nowhere and went off on Abby for not picking her daughter Peyton. Unless they were in the Director’s Cut DVD, I have no clue where these people came from, but she was ticked that after all these years Abby didn’t choose her kid.
It was a nice diversion though, as she wailed “Find her a spot!” over and over again as she walked out the door like she was Susan Lucci on a Friday cliffhanger.
By the time everyone loaded the bus for the Competition it was a blinding snowstorm, but winning another trophy is always worth risking a Greyhound spin out on the interstate. Always.
Holly had to miss out on this trip too because of her top secret, super important job. That made Nia sad, so that made me sad.
Real Housewife Jill brought Abby a present to kiss up. It was one of those Chanel perfume gift set things you get at Walgreen’s during the holidays. Thanks, honey.
I’m guessing the other three Moms don’t like Chanel eau de toilette, because they got mighty snarky after that and decided to immediately pre-judge Jill. Melissa decided to keep her enemies closer, and started to work on reeling in the Jill Fish to her side of the boat.
The DTI Competition was set in an odd hotel ballroom meets high school gymnasium kind of venue, complete with someone’s Big Gulp soda cup on the edge of the stage. Nice touch.
The show was ok. Abby was not thrilled, even though they won some swag and took some good spots on the leaderboard, and proceeded to scold the girls before the trophies even got cold.
Good isn’t good enough. Abby wants great, and…wait for it…everyone’s replaceable.
This week ended with the required Kelly meltdown as she had her first flip out on Abby about all the same things she always flips out on Abby about. But this time she called her a whore.
Have you ever seen those old movies where the barn catches on fire and the farmer is trying to get all the little piglets out before they die?
That was Christi trying to shoo all the girls out the door and get the heck out of Dodge before Kelly burst all over the walls. Let’s just say that there would have been a lot more survivors on the Titanic if Christi was in charge. Classic Dance Moms Moment.
Real Housewife Jill was horrified, and Melissa used that to her advantage.
They all better watch it, because word on the street is that everyone’s replaceable.
Or so I heard.