DanThat'sCool!

 

 

 

Check it out. The ricochet alone will take out at least two Moms and a window.

 

 

 

 

Oh no, she did not. Did she just aim that thing at my poof?

 

 

 

 

 

I saw on Facebook that junior high boys love the bad girls.

 

 

 

 

 

Just shoot me. When did all my tuition money end up going to the NRA?

 

 

 

 

MmmHmm. I could spend all day watching white people try to be gangstah.

 

 

And what did we learn on Dance Moms this week, kids?

Aside from questionable methods of beating choreography into a young girl’s brain, I mean.

Glad you asked.

We learned that you should always aim high when setting your goals…and aim your shotgun even higher.

If you can’t shoot to kill, at least shoot to win.

After seemingly endless months of jet setting around the country with everything but crayons and homework in tow, Abby Lee Miller and her pee wee dancers were finally staying local.  The Hollywood Vibe Dance Competition was landing in their own Pittsburgh backyard, so no one had to check Priceline for bus tickets this week.  Having the Competition on their home turf, though easier on the travel budget, definately ramped up the expectations and drama…as well as the volume.

Jill’s hair was also pretty ramped up now that you mention it, but it’s almost to be expected after all this time.  I’m really staring to think that the angrier she gets, the more she must go home and take it out on her teasing comb, because there were a couple of poofs that would have blocked your view from the back seat on her Carpool Day.

But that’s pretty irrelevant to plot development, so we’ll just tease it, spray it and move on if that’s ok.

As you know by now, All Things Dance must always begin with the Pyramid of Shame, better known as the Even When Maddie Is At The Bottom It Doesn’t Really Mean That She Is Pyramid.

Each week Abby seems to blow through the process quicker than she used to, so I’m thinking the novelty is wearing off.

Smiley Jack-O-Lantern Mackenzie was way down on the bottom, after leading last week at the top.  First to Worst, as Abby gently pointed out, much to Mom Melissa’s irritation.

Poor little Mack.  I’m pretty sure the humiliation and stress caused another tooth to fall out at that very moment, and she only has about 7 left in her mouth so that made me sad.  Once she gets out of that puppy stage and her body catches up with her big head, she is going to be a hoot.  We love her.

Sassy Nia was once again on the bottom, which is starting to tick me off.  Mom Holly got her Whatchoo Talkin’ Bout Willis face on, but continued to stand her ground against Abby’s obsessive mission to sneak a Satchmo song into every one of Nia’s performances.  LaQuifa Whaaaat?!

Kendall was still stuck right next to Nia on the bottom row, thanks to last week’s Jillapalooza.  Between trying to sneak an expensive costume into the competition as “homemade,” non stop screaming, wearing a ridiculously inexpensive State Fair cowboy hat and hysterically flinging a shoe across the room, Jill pretty much sealed Kendall’s fate this week.

Honey.  Your Mom is a Whackadoodle.  Run.  Fast.  And Far.

And in a shocker that could rival a Dynasty season finale, Maddie found herself on the bottom tier as well, due to the fact that she fell during last week’s gymnasium performance.  Abby wanted to use the Pyramid as a Teaching Moment and as a challenge to Maddie to get better.

I don’t really know any dancer who makes a concerted effort to face plant at every recital, so I’m pretty sure Maddie is going to try and do better regardless of where her headshot ends up on the mirror.  But there’s no arguing with Abby.

Chloe and Brooke were one row higher.  Cutie Patootie Chloe’s eyes are still really close together and Brooke still mopes a lot, so no big doin’s on the second tier.

The news flash was at the top of the Pyramid, where Paige finally landed.  First time evah! Paige and the girls had a major spaz attack which made me smile.

This week’s group number was a Private Eyes super sleuth detective kind of dance.

Basically a James Bond  Goldfinger kind of thing, but since they are all little girls there was going to be more Gold and less Finger.  To keep the number edgy and current, Abby was also adding some guns into the routine, since we all know that firearms in school is trending on Twitter.

That got the reaction that “I am going to have your 10 year old pistol whip the competition” always seems to get from a Mom.  You could catch some serious flies with all the wide open Mom mouths when Abby let that cat out of the bag.

Maddie, Chloe and Paige were the line up for the Trio number, which meant that Kendall got knocked off the number and Jill got yet another opportunity to toss some attitude in yet another furry Rachel Zoe vest. I would love to see her closet.  It must look like she’s backstage at The Muppet Show.

Once rehearsals started and the Moms made it up to the Mom Booth, it didn’t take long for the snarky to come out.

Everyone got up in the Jill Grill again as they dissed her never ending attempts at buying Abby’s affection and loyalty with bus trips gifts, and explained again how no newbie gets to come into the Mom Clique and pee all over the seats without putting in some hard time first.

Apparently you don’t want to throw down the Gift Challenge to a Real Housewife of Pittsburgh, because the next day Jill walked in with park bench for the front lobby doorway, complete with a plant and a plaque from Things Remembered at the Mall.

I’m not going to lie.  I’m kind of obsessed with that odd Boy Toy that followed Jill around everywhere as they set up the bench like it was going in the Smithsonian.  Who was that Miss Thing with the faux hawk?  He looked like he was going to Idol auditions and got snagged by Jill in the parking lot to help unload the bench from the Hummer.  He was totally unexpected, but quite enjoyable.

The bench set off another round of Jill Bashing and “Diva…Table for One” snarkisms, which were almost as entertaining as the dude with the faux hawk.  Again, I have to say that the madder Jill gets, the bigger her hair gets.  There has to be some kind of scientific explanation.

The group number rehearsals went better than the Trio number, that’s for sure.

Paige couldn’t quite get it together, and Abby basically ripped her a new one, which sent Kelly down into the rehearsal studio to pull her daughter away before Abby bit her in the throat.  As Paige cried and tried to regroup, Abby rambled on about irresponsible dancers, irresponsible mothers and irresponsible Stupid Is As Stupid Does people.  Abby also got a White Trash zinger in there as Kelly and Paige left for the night.  Everyone was pooped from screaming at each other, so they called it a night and headed home.

Side note…Abby is either using her front desk as a hamster cage or somebody has no idea how to file paperwork.  The whole thing was so covered in receipts, post its, message pads and scrap paper that it had to have been in violation of at least three Pennsylvania fire codes.  Check it out next time.

The next day after some sleep, everyone was back for more rehearsing and more Jill Drama.  They should have known when she came back in and her hair was bigger that you don’t want to mess with the woman today.  But they did anyway.  Like poking a sleeping lion, I tell you.

Jill didn’t understand how being a total Diva Bitch, screaming, threatening to leave, leaving, screaming, coming back, screaming some more and throwing a shoe could have any effect on people’s opinions or her daughter’s success at the Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio.  As Jill flailed her hands around and got all Diva Bitch upstairs, Kendall mindlessly hit pause and rewind over and over on the Macbook , playing Mix Master for the Trio.

By the time Kendall had hit the one hour mark sitting on the floor taking up space, Jill decided that enough was enough and stormed downstairs from the Mom Perch.

Not for nothing, but wouldn’t life be much easier on everyone if they just installed a BatPole and let the Moms slide down every time they felt like interfering? Seriously.

Jill wanted her daughter to be productive, swore a little and used the “H” word.

That’s right.  Homework.

Like Abby cares about the Algebra Test tomorrow.

Hit the road, Missy.

And she did.  Again.  Jill likes her dramatic exits.

But don’t you worry…she and Kendall came back the next day for the Hollywood Vibe extravaganza, led by Abby in some crazy big Jackie O sunglasses and a winter coat borrowed from Jill’s own private Muppet Collection.

There was a slight break in the screaming for some actual dancing, which was slightly all over the place.

Maddie and Chloe’s solos were good.  Christi still has the best Proud Mom Face I’ve ever seen.  You just want to bottle it and spritz in around the house on a bad day.  It would smell like warm cupcakes.

The Trio was a little off.  Spacing was off.  Timing was off.  They scored second place, but Abby was quick to point out that only means they were the first losers.  She also pointed out that Paige blew it, and that all the Moms enable their kids to be bad dancers.

Holly busted out another round of Whatchoo Talkin’ Bout Willis and tried to explain to Abby the foreign concept of not belittling children at every opening in the conversation, which went in one ear and out the other so fast it made a breeze in the room.

The Goldfinger Spy Dance rocked the house.

The girls were all getting their Charlie’s Angels on, posing and tossing ‘tood around the stage like they carried sawed offs in their book bags everyday.  Miss Nia was totally getting her freak on.  She is major.

I keep telling you…when those braces come off and she stops going to bed with wet hair, she is gonna be Sasha Fierce.

They won first place.

And then Jill and Abby screamed some more.

Christi and Kelly screamed a little, so they didn’t miss out on all the fun.  Melissa was pretty low key this week, all things considered.  Between little Mack dropping down on the Pyramid this week and Maddie dropping down onto the basketball court hardwood last week, I think she just needs some time to get her mojo back.

Jill and Abby screamed some more.

Then Jill ripped on Abby’s choreography.

Yeah.  She went there.

Yikes.

Bitch is lucky those guns were shooting blanks.

Aim high and reach for the stars, kids.

…..

**Updated Shout Out to those who spanked me for an earlier typo on this post.  Apparently I don’t do my best work at 2am.  

Today I learned that in life it doesn’t matter which Jonas Brother is which, or which Olsen Sister drinks decaf.  But do NOT typo a Dance Mom’s name.  

You just don’t do that.

 

 

Seriously? Again? I was in that freakin’ Lux music video for crying out loud.

 

 

 

 

 

Probation? My kid? Oh. Hell. No.

 

 

 

 

 

You hold her down, I’ll sit on her and then we stick her with the check.

 

 

 

 

 

We all know that probation is for criminals, not pretty people. Please.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh it’s ON alright. It’s on like Dancing Donkey Kong.

 

 

 

Well, say what you will, but no one can accuse those crazy Dance Moms of not having their diamond encrusted fingers on the pulse of our Nation.

No way, no ma’am.

This week they took on the hot topic of School Bullying, which is a serious subject on the minds of everyone from Anderson Cooper to Ellen DeGeneres to Barney the Dinosaur.

The only problem was that by the time the episode was over, I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to go hug a stranger on the playground, or bean someone in the head with a dodge ball.

Seriously.

For a show about putting a stop to bullying, there sure was a lot of bullying going on.

A lot.  Hope you have your brown bag lunch and munchies, because this is gonna take awhile.

This time around Abby Lee Miller and her bus full of Tiny Dancers were headed to St. Louis to perform in the Hollywood Vibe Dance Competition.

Yeah, it sounds like a big gangstah hip hop rap kinda thing.  I know.  I’ll admit to momentarily getting excited thinking that we might finally get to see Cabbage Patch eyed Chloe spitting beats with Dr. Dre but alas, it was only little girls in tutus and glitter again.

Fresh off wiping the floor with the Candy Apple’s Dance Center team last week in NutWad, New Jersey or whatever that town was called (…it’s Jersey, does it really matter…?) Abby is looking to bring home another trophy.  But every competition must begin with the now infamous Why You’ll Never Be Maddie Pyramid Of Shame and this one was a shockaaaahhh.

At the bottom was little Paige, who was stuck there basically just to shaft her Mom Kelly and make her eyes bug out.

As you’ll remember, Kelly had allowed Brooke to try out for cheerleading instead of going to NutWad, and since Big Sister blew off the competition Paige didn’t stand a chance of even making it to the B List second row.

Nia (Laquifa WHAT–?!?) and her mouthful of braces was also hanging on the bottom, alongside newbie Kendall, who still has to meet regularly with her Probation Officer before she can even think about getting one of those snazzy jazzy bedazzly sweat suits.

Mackenzie and the four teeth still in her head, along with Big Sister Maddie who has enough teeth for both of them, were in the middle.

Yeah.  Maddie in the middle.  She was put there to challenge her to strive for even greater greatness, so to speak, and this was only Mind Game #1 of Abby’s many mind games this week.

Chloe was at the top of the Don’t Look Now, But Maddie Is Nipping At Your A** Pyramid because she scored the highest overall in NutWad, and that’s just kinda how the rules go.  But instead of being able to bask in her glory, Abby was quick to point out to Chloe that the higher you are, the farther you have to fall, and the more it hurts when you land on your face.

Now go have fun, honey.  Scoot.

Mind Game #2, and we haven’t even seen who is covered up on the bottom row.

Abby had skipped one photo on the bottom row to build some suspense, and everyone foolishly assumed that it was that cheerleading traitor Brooke.

Wrong.

In a dramatic production second only to Who Shot JR? Abby tore off that final sheet to reveal Peyton!!!!!!

Screech.

Who?

Peyton was the girl who was beat out by Kendall for the last spot on the dance team lineup at the start of this season.  Remember her?

Still no?

Well maybe you’ll remember her Mom Leslie, who went totally NutWad New Jersey on Abby when her kid was cut and kept waving her pudgy finger screaming “Find her a spot!” over and over as she tore out the doorway like one of those Monster Trucks spinning mud at the Civic Center.

Yeah.  That Leslie.  They even flashed back to the scene in black & white like when you first see the Witch in the Wizard of Oz and don’t know it yet.

Well, now you do.

Peyton and Mom barged in and it’s pandemonium for a second or two.  I don’t think Leslie is physically capable of entering or exiting a room without some sort of chaos.

That’s kind of her thing.  That, and probably Bingo Nights and Super Walmarts.

Almost immediately the hair on the back of Jill’s neck stood up as high as the Snooki bump on her head when she realized that now Kendall had even more competition to win that coveted last spot.

Not only does Peyton share an eerie resemblance to Christina Ricci when she played the creepy daughter in that Addams Family movie, she’s about as tall as Lurch, which did not go unnoticed by any of the Moms.  It was like the Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio suddenly found itself built too close to a nuclear plant and one of the dancers drank the water straight from the tap.  That girl is ginormous compared to the rest of the crew.

Poor little Mackenzie probably can’t even see Peyton’s face from way down there.

Before they all disband to practice the group number, Abby stuck it to Kelly one last time by pulling Paige from the (up until now) Untouchable Trio Dance.  Mind Game #3.  I’m surprised Abby didn’t flip her the bird on the way out just to seal the deal.

The group number was all about bullying in school.  Art On The Stage.  Edgy.  And to push the envelope, as well as the limits of good taste and stereotypical role models, Abby decided that Nia should take the lead and play the bully.

That’s right.  The little ethnic girl with the afro should beat up all the little white girls at school.  And do it wearing a plaid Catholic School skirt and knotted belly shirt.  And fishnets.

Do you see where this one might be headed?

I’m surprised Abby didn’t choreograph it to some bass thumping Chloe/Dr. Dre beats and give Nia three Baby Daddies as back up dancers.  Four, if he wasn’t still in jail.

It didn’t take Holly long to nip that one in the bud.  Abby just doesn’t get it sometimes.  Holly shut that thing down.

You go, girl.

Abby quickly accused Holly of stealing the lead from her own daughter, never quite understood the whole stereotype thing, and then tossed a bone to Peyton.  Having a point guard for the girls basketball team rough up kids is way more PC, so Nia was out…Peyton was in.

Adding crazy Leslie to the mix, when Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill is still a Freshmen in the group, made for some delightful dynamics in the viewing booth.  Leslie is loud and proud and always talks like she’s yelling over the jukebox music, while Jill futzes with her bangs and rubs her forehead a lot.  I’m not really sure if Leslie is giving Jill a headache, or if Jill is leveling out her Restylane, but either way it’s fun to watch.

Jill wants Leslie gone, which she makes crystal clear every time she does one of those one on one interview/testimonial/confessional shots.  I have it on good, reliable authority that those clips are actually filmed in Liberace’s Closet when the Estate Lawyers are at lunch, but that’s neither here nor there so I’ll move on.

After Abby had made Chloe cry a few times and humiliated Paige by making her play MacBook Pro DJ for the Trio Dance that just booted her to the curb, Leslie arranged a get together with all the Moms to pick their brains, get all up in their grills, and snack with both hands.

She and Christi went head to head about why everyone stays at Abby’s if they hate her so much.  She implied that Christi was a wimp for coming to Chloe’s rescue every time she cried.  Leslie doesn’t mind watching her own daughter cry.  It’s all for The Dance.

Trust me, Peyton probably cries herself to sleep every night if that’s her future.  Every.  Night.

Finally it’s Show Time.

Jill is a wreck, and hovered over Kendall like a boxing coach, whispering in her ear to do whatever it takes to bring down her opponent.  No one is going to take this spot out from under Kendall, even if it costs Jill $20, which just happened to be the amount of the cash bribe she rubbed under Kendall’s nose like catnip.  The only time Jill ever let go of Kendall’s body was to futz with her own bangs or adjust her shoulder pads.

I’ll cut her a little slack because I think Jill was probably disoriented, seeing as how she had finally lost her signature BumpIt and gone for the full blow out.  Poor thing was probably just trying to get adjusted to her new ‘do.

The Trio Dance didn’t go off too smoothly, as Kendall pretended she was the Poor Man’s Paige, and Chloe was too far away from the other two girls as they dangled off the edge of the stage.  Abby was quick to point out that Kendall blew her shot at that snazzy jazzy bedazzly piece of couture, and then got all Criss Angel Mind Freak on Chloe.  She loves messing with that poor little nugget’s head.  No wonder Chloe is so full of self doubts.

Luckily she is also full of spunk and junk, so she always seems to recover and give that half wink/half smile thing that she does so well.  Sometimes I think that she might have residual eye lash glue still sticking on her lid, but it’s part of her charm.  Team Chloe all the way.

Maddie and Chloe go head to head in the solo dance category.  You can tell from the way Abby watches performances  from the audience that she is a total mouth breather when she sleeps.  I wish one of the Moms had the nerve to reach over and push her jaw shut, but I’m sure they’re afraid of losing a finger.

After putting redoinkulous pressure on Chloe to succeed, she does great but doesn’t even place in her category while Maddie zooms right past her and back to the top of the I Told You I Was Better Pyramid.

The group number was a nice mess, with Peyton lumbering around the stage pretending to bully the other girls.  By the time she stuck the “Kick Me” sign too high on Maddie’s back I knew it was a lost cause.  It was not so much a school bully by the lockers as much as it was Frankenstein by the swamp.  The girl is too tall.  End of story.

After it was all over, the only person who didn’t think it went that badly was Peyton herself, who started talking smack about the other girls and caused Abby to go a little Nutwad New Jersey as well.  Teenage sassy is one thing, but punk a** attitude is another, and Abby was not a fan of anything coming out of Peyton’s mouth.

The whole thing collapsed into a screaming match between Abby and Leslie and anyone else who happened to be passing by the building, as Leslie tried to make excuses for her daughter and all the girls got frazzled and ran around in circles like hamsters in a cage that was too small.

Sorry St. Louis…not a good Vibe.

Word to yo’ (Dance) Mother.