DanThat'sCool!

 

 

I saw on Bravo TV that when you tilt your head back like this a guy pours a shot in your mouth.

 

 

 

 

One flick of my finger and you’ve got an acrylic nail and a Ninja Star in your artery, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, of course if I’d known they’d be shooting from this angle I would have combed the back of my hair. Absolutely.

 

 

 

 

Lawd. I feel it! I feel the Craziness all up in here! It’s speaking to me and my ladies! And it’s saying…LaQuifa Whaaat?

 

 

 

Hey. Professor. If you can get that chocolate in here from the other end of the couch, Nia gets a week of free privates.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. We’ve been Besties for like 100 years and I still have no f***ing clue what’s up with that hair. Not a clue.

 

 

 

Pardon me.  Andy Cohen?

Would you mind just scooting down a little bit?  Just a tiny snudge?

Jeff Collins needs that chair for a few hours if it’s ok.

This was the week it all happened.  Dance Moms officially got the Stamp of Approval from the Sisterhood of Reality Television Shows.

The Moms got a Reunion Special.

Two of them actually.  Part One and Part Two, which means they’ve finally made it into the Big Time and can now join the ranks of every Real Housewives Bitch Fest season ending spectacular that has gone before them.

Because that’s when you know you’ve made it, when you finally get a set of hot rollers and your own Reunion Show.

(Seriously…did you see Abby’s hair the first season?  Come on.  Money talks.)

Think New York.  Or the OC.  Or Atlanta, with less leg oil.

And if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Just plop down two couches with a chair or two in the middle, print up a couple dozen Twitter question 3 x 5′s and let the hilarity ensue.

Playing the role of Andy Cohen this week we had the really nice and smiley Mr. Collins, who is basically the President, Executive Producer, Master Mind Genius and Mad Scientist of the production company responsible for the worldwide Dance Moms infestation.  His company has a few other good shows out there on the airwaves, but Dance Moms is what put them on the Pinterest map and I’ll bet good money he was kissing all those Crazies on the lips during the first commercial break.

He didn’t waste anytime getting right down to bidnezz with the Moms, after introducing the Woman of the Hour.  Abby Lee Miller, snuggled right up next to Jeff and what appeared to be a half empty candy dish, was ready to get this show on the road with the first video montage.

Wearing every piece of silver jewelry shown on the first 10 pages of the Pandora Fall 2012 catalog, Abby was definitely ready for her HD closeup because that Bitch was blingin’.  Weighed down with bracelets and wrist cuffs and a necklace big and dangly enough to deflect gunfire, as well as a Ninja Star ring that I swore was going to fly off and slit Jeff’s throat before the hour was over, Abby was in her element.

After a mash-up of clips highlighting the evolution of Abby’s stylish new Dance Judge hairdo, Jeff tossed the ball to the ladies.

Can I just say that Holly has some amazing posture before we even get to the good stuff?  Her spinal x-ray must look like a piece of Home Depot 2 by 4.

Now I don’t know if she was the only one propped up by pillows or what, but when you saw her sitting there so prim and principally proper it made the other Moms look like they were at a Frat party.

Don’t get me wrong.  Nobody else was slouching.  But kudos to Mrs. Frazier for showing the rest of us at home that it’s actually possible to be on a couch and not get Cheeto’s crumbs on your belly.  I was almost inspired to sit up.

Almost.

After a quick discussion on Abby’s message vs. Abby’s delivery of that message, Jeff moved on to the Most Outrageous Mom category, which Kelly won before I had even completely filled out my voting ballot.

Cue the Kelly Meltdown Montage.

Seriously.  I can’t imagine that finding those clips was much work.  I mean, really.  The guy in the editing booth could probably have just closed his eyes, spun around, randomly hit the pause button and landed on a Kelly Meltdown.

We love her.  She’s cray cray.  Almost the bad kind of cray cray…but just this side of the good kind of cray cray.  So we love her.

And Christi loves her.  Hearing Mr. Collins call Christi and Kelly “Besties” sounded a little odd, which was probably due to the fact that he’s a grown a** man using the word “Besties.”  I’m almost positive that word has a shelf life that expires before you reach your sophomore year in high school.

Dude.  Do NOT type “Besties” on your Blackberry.  Ever.

As a Bestie, I did however wonder why over the years Christi had never asked Kelly what the F*** was going on with that hair cut.  I mean, she’s got that one long piece that is probably supposed to be there, but I personally know two people who got kicked out of Beauty School for leaving a straggler like that behind someone’s ear.  Go figure.

Next they moved on to the Pyramid of Shame and why the whole process was even necessary, which smoothly segued into why Maddie was almost always at the top and the whole favoritism song and dance number.

After a quick video recap showing Abby tearing off about 72 cover sheets and revealing Maddie’s endearingly toothy grin, it was the same old conversation that the Moms had every week up in the MomPerch.  The only difference this time around was that we got to see Melissa‘s nervous foot twitch as everyone circled their prey.  It was the same twitch that happens under a desk when a kid is afraid that the teacher is going to call on them for an answer when they totally forgot to read the book the night before.

That twitch.

By the time they got to a discussion about Abby insisting Maddie bring in her trunk full of competition crowns to rub in the other girls’ faces on that fateful day, I thought Melissa was going to kick her stiletto right out of the camera shot.

Watching the flashback scene with all those crowns laid out on a table like an old drag queen’s estate sale made me realize that the first time around I had totally missed Diva Nia‘s OhNoSheDin’t face.

Girlfriend was all like Oh.  Hell.  No. with these crowns, bitch.

Love me some Nia.

Next, since there was a seemingly endless supply of Kelly Meltdown tapes, we got another montage.  This time with Abby as her evil nemesis.

We saw the infamous un-stoppered chair toss across the ALDC studio floor and the blurred out Kelly bird flip, and then the two of them went at it across the couch over the original 10pm request for rubber chair nips that started the whole fiasco.  Kelly tried to explain that she had made the decision to stay home that evening and introduce herself to that third kid who always seems to be there when she brings Paige and Brooke home from rehearsals instead of plugging ‘chair stoppers’ into her GPS.

As cray cray as Kelly is, I gotta stand with her on this one.  Personally, I would not even know where to begin looking for chair stoppers at 10pm on a weeknight.  I’m going to assume that all the rubber stopper stores are closed by 9pm, if not earlier.

And bottom line, how bad are your chairs…and how sad is your life…that you need to leave the house at 10pm for a rubber stopper run anyway?

Kelly has still not decided whether or not she will be returning next season.

Umm.  Yeah. Anyone want to place bets on that one?  I’m feeling pretty confident about going forward with my new line of Kelly’s Krazy: Season 3 tee shirts.  Especially after we relived the day when Kelly called Abby fat.  And a whore.  A fat whore.  And still managed to slurp down her Starbucks without skipping a beat.

She’s a keeper.  She ain’t going anywhere.

Somehow that all turned into a throw down over the competition when Maddie’s CD skipped and whether or not the whole thing had been pre-planned.

Kelly swore that Melissa knew in advance that it was going to happen, which in the world of The Dance automatically gives you First Place somehow.

First Place?  Like with a crown?  If that is really the deal, I can’t believe that every week somebody’s CD isn’t scratched.

Think about it.  If I could be guaranteed a first place trophy and a chance to snag some headgear off Maddie’s table, I would be in the park with a puppy tossing CD frisbees while everyone else was back at the studio doing hamstring stretches.  I’m no fool.

Kelly swore on her kids it was gospel.  Melissa swore on her Mother’s grave.  Abby swore the chocolate had nuts in it and tried another piece before Jeff took the whole bowl away and slapped her hand.

We then had a few minutes of Abby accusing Christi of using her daughter Chloe as her ticket out of the ghetto, since Mom had never had the opportunity to dance and be a star when she a youngster.  Christi got all Proud Mom face as she discussed Chloe and the rarely seen baby nugget known as Clara.  The little tyke was a cutie, with a head like a dandelion right before the wind blows all that fuzz in your eyes.

And speaking of ghetto…

The whole LaQuifa Whaaaat? issue was brought up again.

That’s the issue where Abby kept pushing Nia into ethnic roles and ethnic dances and ethnic outfits and ethnic afro wigs in a completely none-PC attempt to immerse her in the 1970′s sitcom roles that she felt Nia was destined to be offered out in the real world.

Well, not completely immersed I guess, because you know how LaQuifa hates to get her hair wet.

Oh snap.  Yeah.  It was that inappropriate.

Watching Holly get all non-ethnically ethnic is something I will never get tired of, trust me.  She not only yanked that afro pick out of Nia’ hair, but she pretty much whooped Miss Abby’s butt with it before tossing it out the sunroof of that family minivan with the “I’ve Got a Doctorate and U Don’t” bumper sticker.

Holly don’t play.

And then there was Jill.

The alleged studio hopper made her entrance, all sewn into a pretty tight dress that barely contained any of her Bump-Its, and slowly lowered herself on to the couch with the girls.

Flashback to the now classic cowboy hat/shoe toss in the makeup room, spliced together with that sloppy strip club scene where Jill chewed a $20 bill into hamster cage shavings after pulling it out of a guy’s banana hammock with her front teeth, and you pretty much just summed up Jill Vertes.

Even though she still hadn’t quite gotten her new hair style under control, Jill had no problem laying into Melissa for hiding her engagement to a married man, which in turn got all the Moms going on Mystery Greg‘s Cease and Desist lawyer letter.

Friends don’t sue Friends, mmmkay?

It was a touchy subject and immediately got everyone worked up.  As Melissa did her best Talk to the Hand defensive blocking, it got pretty heated somewhere during the conversation.  But honestly, after somebody reminded us all that Melissa is “cleanly shaved down there” nothing else really mattered except stopping my eyes and ears from bleeding.

Hoping for another Kardashian Moment, Jeff asked Melissa if he could sneak in a camcorder or two during her upcoming nuptuals and almost blacked out when she didn’t immediately say No.  She didn’t say Yes..but at least she didn’t say No.

Part One finished off with the arrival of Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and her not so sugary Candy Apples attitude.

It wasn’t quite NeNe‘s ATL, but Cathy and Christi together still made for some fun television.  Especially when we got to see some never before seen footage of Cathy tossing water at Christi on the sidewalk like a true Real Housewife bitch.

Dance Moms getting down and dirty on the streets?  Sign me up.

Full disclosure: Not going to lie.  I was secretly rooting for somebody to pull on someone’s wig like Sheree Whitfield and Kim Zolciak‘s classic street brawl, but no such luck.  Don’t get me wrong, and don’t judge.  I don’t condone violence, though I do condone hair pulling and face slapping if justified for the storyline or ratings.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

And like any good Housewife Reunion, the really good stuff is in Part Two.

Cathy barely got her engine revved this time around, so according to the previews, next week should be a classic.

And hold up.  Was that sassy Kaya they just showed getting all Miss Thang up in everyone’s face next time?  She’s back?!

Girrrrl, pleez.

I don’t know how Andy Cohen does it.  I’m exhausted.

 

 

This is Abby, your Captain speaking. Please turn off your cell phones because this s*** is about to get real.

 

 

 

 

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been to Walmart today.

 

 

 

 

I can count on one finger how many times I’m gonna do my hair like this again. WTF?

 

 

 

 

Do I remember the Class of 1985? Girl…Seriously? I don’t even remember what shoes I put on this morning.

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. The bus driver told me this was Bravo TV. I can already tell these bitches are Cray Cray.

 

 

 

Overture, Curtain, Lights.

This is it…the Night of Nights.

…On with the Show, this is It!

Before we proceed with this week’s Dance Moms hilarity, you need to Google youtube and the musical opening number for the classic Warner Brothers Bugs Bunny Show.

Then you need to find someone who knows Photoshop and have them cut & paste the faces of Abby Lee Miller, Holly, Kelly, Christi, Melissa, Jill, Cathy and bat s*** crazy Leslie over the bodies of all the cartoon characters.

And then you need to watch it again until milk shoots out your nose, because that pretty much sums out how it all went down this week during the 2012 ALDC Concert.

Which was really a recital.  But I didn’t ask why Abby kept calling it a concert.  Maybe because it had music.  I dunno.  By now, we all know I don’t make the rules.

But, whatever.  It was the annual ALDC tribute to…well…ALDC, and a chance for anyone in Pittsburgh without basic cable to buy a Xeroxed paper ticket and watch every dance number that the rest of us had already seen on Lifetime.

As Abby explained it before the Pyramid of Shame was revealed, every dance aficionado in Pittsburgh would be in attendance, which would explain the four folding chairs set up around a card table at the front of the stage.  Count ‘em.  Every one.

Not that I would recognize an aficionado if I stepped on one, but the way she went on and on about it before rehearsals began I expected at least two of the So You Think You Can Dance judges to show up.  But nada, unless the aficionados were incognito or something.

Regardless, even the Concert of all Recitals had to wait until the Pyramid was unveiled.

Rules are rules, people, whether I make them or not.

Still hanging tight at the bottom were Paige and that big, clunky boot.  Turns out that breaking your foot when you’re on a show about dancing doesn’t really open up much opportunity for advancement.  Climbing stairs and pyramids are just way too much work nowadays, so Paige was content to lean on her pirate leg and let the other girls fight it out for top honors.

Fallen Angel Maddie was also on the bottom row because last week she had refused to learn a new number in under 42 minutes and then retain it long enough to go head to head with those scruffy boys from Candy Apples.

She told Abby NO.  And people don’t tell Abby NO.  Nobody tells Abby NO.

Proof of that fact can be found not only in the crumbled dust of broken young dancer souls that Abby keeps in a mantel urn, but also in the increasing number of Pennsylvania All-U-Can-Eat Country Buffets now filing for bankruptcy.

Whaddayamean I can’t have any more ribs?

Third spot in the basement went to Chloe, because she had ruined any chance at a Starbound clean sweep when she lost by 1/10th of a point.  Which had to suck.  I would rather lose by a bazillion points and then fall off the stage head first than lose by 1/10th.

I hugged my television.  Poor peanut.

Second row went to Brooke and Mackenzie.

Brooke took some heat for last week’s Children of the Corn dance when she was supposed to tie a bonnet on Maddie’s head at a Star Trek warp speed of mach 8, and she nervously fumbled the ball a little.

Cut her some slack, lady.  I’m pretty sure that Amish people are in no hurry when it comes to putting their bonnets on.  It’s not like they’ve got anywhere to go…the cabinet shop will still be there no matter how long it takes to strap on their head gear.

But you know Abby.

MacAttack beat 2 boys and her front teeth were coming in nicely, so it was all good.

Top spot for the second week went to Miss Sasha Nia, cuz that’s how we roll, bitches.

But before Nia could even bust out a celebratory Death Drop, Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill got all up in Abby’s grill about Kendall once again not being scotch taped to the mirror.

Kendall deserved it.  Kendall deserved this.  Kendall deserved that.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a big supporter of parents who cowboy up for their kids.  But Jill is the kind of Stage Mom who would show up unannounced at the U.N. and shut down half of New York City under a suspected terrorist threat as she melts down over Kendall not being able to perform with those multi-national kids who are always in the Radio City Christmas Show.

Somebody needs to spend a little more time figuring out her new hairdo and a little less time making her daughter cry on national TV.  Just saying.

The new number for the recital was a hip hop bootay poppin’ thang.  Please pause here and Google a group photo of these little ALDC dancer girls.  I’ll wait.

Got it?  Yeah.  I can pretty much guarantee you that this is the only time you will ever see the words Gangsta and Chloe in the same sentence.  If you really need to go, you basically already figured out how that one was gonna work out.  Thanks for stopping by.

Paige had previously been told by her doctor to not dance for 4 weeks, but since she seemed to be able to stay upright on her own, Abby wanted her to participate in the hip hop routine.

Never having broken my toe in a backward handspring on cement flooring, I can’t really verify any assumptions, but I’m thinking that on a tiny girl like Paige, that gigantic boot probably works much like one of those sand-filled deck umbrella stands.  Girl ain’t toppling over in a wind storm if you know what I mean, but thinking that she could pop and lock and grind and stomp on stage may have been a little premature.

The next day, as Jill arrived at the studio, she was intercepted by NutWad Ninja Leslie who literally came out of nowhere and pounced on Jill with a bucket load of crazy.

Seriously.  Where did Leslie come from?  I swear she dropped out of the trees like that monkey did in James Franco‘s Planet of the Apes movie (…which was sooo not how the Apes really came to rule Earth, thank you…) because as soon as Jill hauled her junk out of the car, Leslie was right there in front of her babbling gossip.

It’s no wonder Leslie makes such a great Walmart greeter, because you can’t walk by her without getting an ear full.  She went on and on about loyalty and backstabbing and warnings and something about Melissa not having enough Milky Way bars for Halloween and having to take Leslie with her to CVS and then driving past CVS and taking Leslie to meet her Secret Lover and his enormous big package…of bank checks.

And Leslie talked just like that, but with fewer punctuation marks.  I swear.

Finally Jill bolted inside and Leslie scurried back up the tree with her Walmart bananas.

Only 65 cents a pound.  In a smiley face bag.

Quick change of scenery to Cow Country and the Evil Dance Lair, better known to the locals as Candy Apple’s Dance Center, where we found Chaos Cathy mulling over an envelope of ALDC tickets that had mysteriously been delivered to her studio.  Should she attend? Mmmuuuahahahaha.

A bigger mystery should have been why Candy Apple’s felt they needed that security camera set up that was above Cathy’s messy desk.  Did you catch that?

It was one of those split screen television monitors you see at convenience stores and nuclear plants.  Or like they hang at Burger King over the fries to track how long it takes them to get one lousy freakin’ Single Stack in the bag.

Is there a whole black market out there I’m not aware of that specializes in stolen tap shoes and jazz canes?  I’m checking ebay tomorrow.

If I don’t find anything, I’m going to assume it’s to protect all that valuable beef jerky next door.  Or maybe it’s just Cathy monitoring Canton’s Jerky King.

Because you know…nobody jerks it like the King.  I saw it on TV.  Cathy might want to keep an eye on that one.  Just a suggestion.

Since the teeny bop hip hop number was not going so well, Abby whistled for Amazonian Payton to join the group and show the little white girls how a big, tall white girl gets it done.  Taking a cue from her Mom, Payton also apparently dropped right out of a nearby tree because she was there before Abby even finished calling her name, and immediately started doing the Sprinkler, Windshield Wiper and what I assumed was her awkward version of the Dougie.

Hollah Back, Girl.   And duck when you go through the door.  Word to yo’ Crazy Mother.

Next it was time for the Tech Rehearsals.  Abby was up in the light booth like some exhausted air traffic controller, trying to keep her headset from falling off into her pudding while she screamed at everyone within her orbit.

Since Leslie and Kelly cannot breath the same oxygen without breaking out into an argument, they were chewing at each other’s face the entire time they were down in front of the stage.

Screaming.  Yelling.  Bleeping.  The usual.

When Leslie made the sweaty hike all the way up the auditorium into the booth to insist Abby change the dance lineup to give Payton more time to change costumes, the coffee really started to percolate.  After blasting Leslie for her smart a** mouth, Abby made a new Clubhouse Rule:  NO parents allowed!

She even had one of the hired help boys scribble out a treehouse sign on what I assumed was unused homework binder paper which the girls should have been using for their book reports.  But you can’t chest pump and worry about Catcher in the Rye at the same time, so the dude swiped a sheet and taped it up on the door like you would if you wanted to keep Girl Cooties away from your pillow fort.

Klassy.  With a K.

After way too much jammin’ and gettin’ down on it, Paige’s one remaining good foot finally realized it couldn’t do all the heavy lifting alone, which caused her to overdo it on the bad one.  It didn’t take a medical degree to figure out she needed to take a chill pill.

It also didn’t take a psych degree to know that Leslie would be all over that one, since her motto has always been “Suck It Up.”

Screaming.  Yelling.  Bleeping.  The usual.  Again.

This time, though, Kelly snatched up her two kids and headed out of Dodge, vowing to never come back.  With Brooke looking out the window like those kidnap victims do when they try to blink SOS in code to a gas station attendant, Mom layed a patch and was gone.

Then in a strange spliced in snippet, all the Moms suddenly hit the Club to unwind after their hard week.  And apparently, when Dance Moms need to unwind, they hit the Gay Club because I only saw two girls in the whole joint, and I think one of them works at Jiffy Lube.  All the other club kids were boys trying to kiss Christi.

Jill even did a body shot off the 12 pack of that guy on the Abercrombie shopping bag, which was wrong on so many levels.

After witnessing…and processing…all of that, my vision returned and the Show of all Shows actually kind of paled in comparison.

Kelly showed up with the kids.  No big surprise.

The Candy Apple’s Brigade showed up, looking like a bad catalog photo from some local store specializing in Mother of the Bride dresses.  What the F*** were they all wearing?  Get out of Ohio much, girls?

Jill was spread out all over her chair in a really…really…yellow dress, still apparently feeling the residual after effects of gnawing on too much Abercrombie ab.  She did manage to find the strength to present Abby with two dozen kiss up roses, to go along with the previously sucked up lobby bench and cologne gift sets.  Jill does like to get her bribe on whenever possible.

After the curtain call where Maddie and Nia were presented with dance scholarships and Brooke and Mackenzie wandered around in Toddlers & Tiaras, everyone headed outside for a few cocktails and photo ops.

Lucky for us, Andy Cohen just happened to be driving through town and shoved a potential new Dance Mom and her kid out the passenger side of his Reality TV Escalade and then squealed off into the night before they even hit the sidewalk.

Kaya and Nicaya have arrived.

Girrrl, pleez.  Not only the best new Girl Group name ever, but more than likely the best new OhNoSheDin’t Mom & Daughter act to hit Lifetime in a Longtime.

MmmHmm.  I feel some sassy coming on.

Oh, snap.

And another snap.

 

 

Lawd…I swear that Mom is as crazy as her haircut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Excuse me?

 

 

 

 

 

You know my Mom has been inhaling Magic Marker fumes all morning, right? She’s gonna freak on your a**.

 

 

 

You’re so fat I took yo’ picture last Christmas and it’s still printing out on my damn computer!

 

 

 

 

 

NO RUBBER STOPPERS?!?!

 

 

 

 

“You’re Fat.”

“You’re Crazy.”

For those of you looking for a shortened version of how this week’s Dance Moms went down…that was it.

You’re welcome.

Thanks for stopping by, and enjoy the rest of your day.

For those of you with a little more time to kill at work before the Boss catches on…here we go.

It was the Abby vs. Kelly Show and it wasn’t pretty.  It was definitely loud and colorful, and a total hoot to witness, but not very pretty as all the years of pent up aggression between the two women began to blow out like steam from a busted radiator pipe.

After a not so great showing at their last competition, the Abby Lee Dance Company troupe filed in for what they knew would be a guaranteed Pyramid of Shame.  Both the tiny dancers and the Mom Squad had that nervous fidget thing going on that we all used to get right before having to present a book report on a book that we lost on the first day of school and never even read.

You knew you were going to get busted for it, but you didn’t know how badly.

It was immediately apparent that not only had Abby Lee Miller invested in quite a few new outfits from Lane Bryant this season, but she had also managed to pick up a thesaurus on her way out of the mall, because our Girl knew every synonym for “LAZY” that exists in the English language.

The poor little dancers were called sluggish, boring, lifeless and every other adjective usually reserved for high school biology teachers.

(Ok…maybe I’m still carrying some old issues around.  Maybe.)

Maddie and her endearing Chiclet teeth were on the bottom of the pile, which was a long way down from her usual top spot, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Mom Melissa.

Ever since Maddie bolted off that New Jersey stage a few weeks back after forgetting her choreography, the kid has been stuck in a little rough patch.  With just that one on-stage goober, it was like the pilot light on her little mental stove got blown out and nobody had any matches to start it up again.  She’s been moping around like all the spunk leaked out of her ears while she was sleeping.

Last week Abby had given her the opportunity to get it together and perform a last minute solo, but she instead chose to sit in the audience, staring blankly at the stage and crying like she had just watched Bambi’s mother get shot at the Cineplex.

The world doesn’t need another Brooke.

Smile, already.

Jack-o-lantern Mackenzie was also on the bottom.  Her teeth are starting to come in nicely, but adult incisors don’t make up for only snagging 10th place with your solo.

Paige finished off the basement trifecta, because she forgot a step last time and doinked around for a second.

Oh.  And Abby hates her mother.  That, too.

Brooke and all her teenage angst made it to the second row, along with Sasha Nia.

Abby was happy with Nia and her fierceness and was even happier that she didn’t have to listen to her mouth that much last week, and somehow that was supposed to translate into positive reenforcement.

Nia just snapped her new braided weave and was all down wid dat.  I love the bazoinkers out of that kid.  Beyoncé better be watching her back, because someday when Blue Ivy Carter is home barfing up strained squash all over his Gucci onesie, little Nia is going to take over first place in the Diva Race.

Granted, Bey Bey will be wiping Blue’s chin clean with $100 bills, but still…

Cabbage Patch-eyed Chloe was sticking to her top ranking for a second week, which in AbbyLand translated into more stress than ever.  Sooner or later Maddie is going to snap out of it and then it’s on like Donkey Kong.  So it enjoy it while you can.

This week the gang was headed to Chicago for the Energy Dance Competition and that cost cuttingly lame lightbox Energy logo that they always beam up onto the stage.

Personally, if it were up to me, I would boycott the competition just for that graphic alone.

For all the money that you raise in registration fees, do you really need to use a grade school transparency?  You remember that thing…what was it called?  Where the teacher wrote with that erasable marker on a piece of plastic that got projected up onto one of those pull down screens?  And it always wobbled when they wrote until you thought you would get car sick learning how to divide fractions?

If you have no idea what I’m talking about and all your schools have ever used are computers, then you’re too young to be ready this smack talk, fancy pants.  Go back to Facebook and update your status.

Paige, Brooke and Chloe all scored solos, while Mack and Nia would be doing a Circus themed duet.

Since there is no such thing as simply being rewarded for your hard work, there was a little bit of drama surrounding Chloe, who got squealed on by one of Abby’s faculty members for not being in dance class earlier in the week.  Turned out that Mom Christi had taken her to the doctor’s for something or other, but Abby wasn’t buying it for a minute.  Unless there’s a visible open wound or an arrow sticking straight out of your forehead, there’s no excuse good enough for missing jazz class.

According to Abby’s new thesaurus, another good word for “LAZY” was zombie-like, so the group number was all about the Living Dead.  You wanna act like Zombies?  Then you better be prepared to dance like them, too.  Cause this is Thriller.

In yet another attempt at getting a dig in at Holly’s expense, Abby pointed out that Nia’s Mom had so much spare time on her hands now that she should be able to whip up some Zombie Couture for the show.  Knowing full well that Holly never had a sewing machine in her Principal’s Office back at school, Abby was obviously hoping that she would fall flat on her face with this wardrobe assignment.

I’m not quite certain Abby realizes yet that it was actually Holly’s decision to take a leave of absence from work to spend more time with her family.  I think in Abby’s head she still believes that Holly was fired and is loving every minute of the delusion.

At least she didn’t give her another Al Jolson number to costume, so maybe we’re making some progress after all.

Melissa did a lot of crying and almost crying this week.  When the Moms questioned her about no longer working at Abby’s front desk, Melissa got a little teary realizing how much she missed everyone.  And even more importantly, how much everyone missed her.  Apparently she receives multiple emails everyday from people professing their love, and how much they miss seeing her around.

Considering that while all her old coworkers are downstairs at the desk Melissa is barely 20 feet away upstairs in the Mom Perch, I’m not quite sure how the missing you part really comes into play.  It’s not like they need GPS to locate her, right?  I think they need to be more concerned about cleaning that landfill of a front desk than about texting Melissa, but maybe that’s just me.

While everyone worked on their various solos, Melissa went all the way back downstairs to her old stomping ground and asked Abby to give Maddie some one on one private time to see if that would slap her back into reality.  Since Abby loves Maddie almost as much as she loves IHOP, she agreed to sneak her in after hours for a quickie.

There was also a brief moment when all of the sudden we found out that Brooke had been harboring a secret desire to be the next teen singing sensation.

I know, right?

Lucky for us, and for youtube, Abby has an on call vocal coach just down the hall who took time out from sending more love notes to Melissa and worked with Brooke on her vibrato.  Where this whole singing thing came from is beyond me, because I don’t think we’ve ever heard Brooke string together more than 12 words into a sentence in two whole seasons, and yet all of the sudden she thinks she’s the next Rebecca Black.

The big meltdown between Abby and Kelly began as poor little Paige tried to focus on her solo.

The prop for the dance was one of those Broadway chairs like they use in the musical Chicago.  The kind the hot chicks always straddle.  They’re like ice cream parlor chairs gone bad.

Kelly was supposed to put rubber stoppers on the bottom of the legs so the chair didn’t go flying out into the judges’ table during the competition, but she spaced out and had forgotten to take the chair home the night before.

(Again, maybe it’s just me, but wouldn’t it be easier to just bring the four little rubber stoppers to the studio in a True ValueHardware bag instead of shlepping a giant chair home in the van.  But, you know….)

When Abby flipped over the chair and saw that it was sans rubber, as they say in France, she flipped out.  And then she flipped the chair.  And then Paige flipped out, quickly followed by Kelly, who was quickly followed by some poor cameraman schmo who had to try and keep up as Kelly tore downstairs.

It was like the camera guys who follow the cops into a drug bust, all wobbly and blurry as they try to keep out of the line of fire.

Then it was a whole bunch of screaming and fat jokes and girl, you so crazy slams before Kelly finally scooped up all her kids and left the studio, pausing just long enough to request a full refund on her contract and a parking validation stamp.

Krazy with a K.

But like any good Dance Mom Meltdown, everyone always come back the next day…unless they end up going to Ohio to dance with the Candy Apples contingent.  So Kelly came back with her kids the next morning, but chose to stay outside and spray paint zombie daywear with the other Moms like they were doing arts & crafts at a Summer Camp for Dead People.

That same spray paint would have come in handy the day before on that Pussycats Doll chair, but for some reason they all decided to use black Sharpies for touch ups.

Somebody needs a course in time management, don’t you think?

This week I also started to wonder if Melissa is part-Ninja, because she just shows up out of the blue as if she dropped in through the air duct vents.

During Maddie’s one on one with Abby she was suddenly there…in tears of course, sobbing how her heart hurts when she hears the other Moms talk trash about Abby.

And then she dropped out of nowhere again at the competition as Abby tried to motivate Maddie into getting her act together.  That time both Maddie and Melissa were crying, which only babies do according to Abby.

Seriously.  Melissa is like some X-man or something who can blend into shadows and then just materialize.  Go back and check it out.  Even Maddie was all like “Gah..go away.  You keep showing up.”

Speaking of the competition.  There was actually a little bit of The Dance in the episode.

Kelly had another MomSpaz and pulled Paige and Brooke from their solos at the last minute.  Both kids were good to go right up until the last minute, but it became apparent as Paige was rehearsing that Abby couldn’t be bothered to even look up from her laptop to acknowledge either Paige or her newly rubberized chair.  So Kelly snapped another nerve and yanked them both.

But conveniently enough, Abby had already snuck Maddie back onto the registration page, so at least somebody represented the Hood.

Then there was some more dancing.  And then some zombie dancing.  You might want to check out a legitimate dance site if you’re looking for the deets.  Or the truth.

After the awards, there was just enough time for one more screaming chick fight.

Abby accused Kelly of screwing up, like she always does, with that whole chair stopper fiasco and most likely a subliminal jab at her haircut.

When Kelly accused Abby of not caring about her kids, Abby countered with something about going to the hospital after Kelly’s husband ran down her own kid in the driveway.

Say wha…?!

I have no clue what that one was all about, but it was Gold.

And you know it’s already the most Googled question out there next to Kim and Kanye getting engaged.

Oh, yeah.  It’s going down between Abby and Kelly.  Going down.

All the way down town going down.

It’s enough to make you want to get in the van and back over somebody…again.

Honk if you love Dance Moms.

Honk twice if you’re backing it up.

Safety First, bitches.