Dance Moms Reunion Part One: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Get All Dressed Up And Then Throw Down With Abby. Let The Craziness Begin.Wednesday, September 19th, 2012
I saw on Bravo TV that when you tilt your head back like this a guy pours a shot in your mouth.
One flick of my finger and you’ve got an acrylic nail and a Ninja Star in your artery, bitch.
Well, of course if I’d known they’d be shooting from this angle I would have combed the back of my hair. Absolutely.
Lawd. I feel it! I feel the Craziness all up in here! It’s speaking to me and my ladies! And it’s saying…LaQuifa Whaaat?
Hey. Professor. If you can get that chocolate in here from the other end of the couch, Nia gets a week of free privates.
Seriously. We’ve been Besties for like 100 years and I still have no f***ing clue what’s up with that hair. Not a clue.
Pardon me. Andy Cohen?
Would you mind just scooting down a little bit? Just a tiny snudge?
Jeff Collins needs that chair for a few hours if it’s ok.
This was the week it all happened. Dance Moms officially got the Stamp of Approval from the Sisterhood of Reality Television Shows.
The Moms got a Reunion Special.
Two of them actually. Part One and Part Two, which means they’ve finally made it into the Big Time and can now join the ranks of every Real Housewives Bitch Fest season ending spectacular that has gone before them.
Because that’s when you know you’ve made it, when you finally get a set of hot rollers and your own Reunion Show.
(Seriously…did you see Abby’s hair the first season? Come on. Money talks.)
Think New York. Or the OC. Or Atlanta, with less leg oil.
And if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Just plop down two couches with a chair or two in the middle, print up a couple dozen Twitter question 3 x 5′s and let the hilarity ensue.
Playing the role of Andy Cohen this week we had the really nice and smiley Mr. Collins, who is basically the President, Executive Producer, Master Mind Genius and Mad Scientist of the production company responsible for the worldwide Dance Moms infestation. His company has a few other good shows out there on the airwaves, but Dance Moms is what put them on the Pinterest map and I’ll bet good money he was kissing all those Crazies on the lips during the first commercial break.
He didn’t waste anytime getting right down to bidnezz with the Moms, after introducing the Woman of the Hour. Abby Lee Miller, snuggled right up next to Jeff and what appeared to be a half empty candy dish, was ready to get this show on the road with the first video montage.
Wearing every piece of silver jewelry shown on the first 10 pages of the Pandora Fall 2012 catalog, Abby was definitely ready for her HD closeup because that Bitch was blingin’. Weighed down with bracelets and wrist cuffs and a necklace big and dangly enough to deflect gunfire, as well as a Ninja Star ring that I swore was going to fly off and slit Jeff’s throat before the hour was over, Abby was in her element.
After a mash-up of clips highlighting the evolution of Abby’s stylish new Dance Judge hairdo, Jeff tossed the ball to the ladies.
Can I just say that Holly has some amazing posture before we even get to the good stuff? Her spinal x-ray must look like a piece of Home Depot 2 by 4.
Now I don’t know if she was the only one propped up by pillows or what, but when you saw her sitting there so prim and principally proper it made the other Moms look like they were at a Frat party.
Don’t get me wrong. Nobody else was slouching. But kudos to Mrs. Frazier for showing the rest of us at home that it’s actually possible to be on a couch and not get Cheeto’s crumbs on your belly. I was almost inspired to sit up.
After a quick discussion on Abby’s message vs. Abby’s delivery of that message, Jeff moved on to the Most Outrageous Mom category, which Kelly won before I had even completely filled out my voting ballot.
Cue the Kelly Meltdown Montage.
Seriously. I can’t imagine that finding those clips was much work. I mean, really. The guy in the editing booth could probably have just closed his eyes, spun around, randomly hit the pause button and landed on a Kelly Meltdown.
We love her. She’s cray cray. Almost the bad kind of cray cray…but just this side of the good kind of cray cray. So we love her.
And Christi loves her. Hearing Mr. Collins call Christi and Kelly “Besties” sounded a little odd, which was probably due to the fact that he’s a grown a** man using the word “Besties.” I’m almost positive that word has a shelf life that expires before you reach your sophomore year in high school.
Dude. Do NOT type “Besties” on your Blackberry. Ever.
As a Bestie, I did however wonder why over the years Christi had never asked Kelly what the F*** was going on with that hair cut. I mean, she’s got that one long piece that is probably supposed to be there, but I personally know two people who got kicked out of Beauty School for leaving a straggler like that behind someone’s ear. Go figure.
Next they moved on to the Pyramid of Shame and why the whole process was even necessary, which smoothly segued into why Maddie was almost always at the top and the whole favoritism song and dance number.
After a quick video recap showing Abby tearing off about 72 cover sheets and revealing Maddie’s endearingly toothy grin, it was the same old conversation that the Moms had every week up in the MomPerch. The only difference this time around was that we got to see Melissa‘s nervous foot twitch as everyone circled their prey. It was the same twitch that happens under a desk when a kid is afraid that the teacher is going to call on them for an answer when they totally forgot to read the book the night before.
By the time they got to a discussion about Abby insisting Maddie bring in her trunk full of competition crowns to rub in the other girls’ faces on that fateful day, I thought Melissa was going to kick her stiletto right out of the camera shot.
Watching the flashback scene with all those crowns laid out on a table like an old drag queen’s estate sale made me realize that the first time around I had totally missed Diva Nia‘s OhNoSheDin’t face.
Girlfriend was all like Oh. Hell. No. with these crowns, bitch.
Love me some Nia.
Next, since there was a seemingly endless supply of Kelly Meltdown tapes, we got another montage. This time with Abby as her evil nemesis.
We saw the infamous un-stoppered chair toss across the ALDC studio floor and the blurred out Kelly bird flip, and then the two of them went at it across the couch over the original 10pm request for rubber chair nips that started the whole fiasco. Kelly tried to explain that she had made the decision to stay home that evening and introduce herself to that third kid who always seems to be there when she brings Paige and Brooke home from rehearsals instead of plugging ‘chair stoppers’ into her GPS.
As cray cray as Kelly is, I gotta stand with her on this one. Personally, I would not even know where to begin looking for chair stoppers at 10pm on a weeknight. I’m going to assume that all the rubber stopper stores are closed by 9pm, if not earlier.
And bottom line, how bad are your chairs…and how sad is your life…that you need to leave the house at 10pm for a rubber stopper run anyway?
Kelly has still not decided whether or not she will be returning next season.
Umm. Yeah. Anyone want to place bets on that one? I’m feeling pretty confident about going forward with my new line of Kelly’s Krazy: Season 3 tee shirts. Especially after we relived the day when Kelly called Abby fat. And a whore. A fat whore. And still managed to slurp down her Starbucks without skipping a beat.
She’s a keeper. She ain’t going anywhere.
Somehow that all turned into a throw down over the competition when Maddie’s CD skipped and whether or not the whole thing had been pre-planned.
Kelly swore that Melissa knew in advance that it was going to happen, which in the world of The Dance automatically gives you First Place somehow.
First Place? Like with a crown? If that is really the deal, I can’t believe that every week somebody’s CD isn’t scratched.
Think about it. If I could be guaranteed a first place trophy and a chance to snag some headgear off Maddie’s table, I would be in the park with a puppy tossing CD frisbees while everyone else was back at the studio doing hamstring stretches. I’m no fool.
Kelly swore on her kids it was gospel. Melissa swore on her Mother’s grave. Abby swore the chocolate had nuts in it and tried another piece before Jeff took the whole bowl away and slapped her hand.
We then had a few minutes of Abby accusing Christi of using her daughter Chloe as her ticket out of the ghetto, since Mom had never had the opportunity to dance and be a star when she a youngster. Christi got all Proud Mom face as she discussed Chloe and the rarely seen baby nugget known as Clara. The little tyke was a cutie, with a head like a dandelion right before the wind blows all that fuzz in your eyes.
And speaking of ghetto…
The whole LaQuifa Whaaaat? issue was brought up again.
That’s the issue where Abby kept pushing Nia into ethnic roles and ethnic dances and ethnic outfits and ethnic afro wigs in a completely none-PC attempt to immerse her in the 1970′s sitcom roles that she felt Nia was destined to be offered out in the real world.
Well, not completely immersed I guess, because you know how LaQuifa hates to get her hair wet.
Oh snap. Yeah. It was that inappropriate.
Watching Holly get all non-ethnically ethnic is something I will never get tired of, trust me. She not only yanked that afro pick out of Nia’ hair, but she pretty much whooped Miss Abby’s butt with it before tossing it out the sunroof of that family minivan with the “I’ve Got a Doctorate and U Don’t” bumper sticker.
Holly don’t play.
And then there was Jill.
The alleged studio hopper made her entrance, all sewn into a pretty tight dress that barely contained any of her Bump-Its, and slowly lowered herself on to the couch with the girls.
Flashback to the now classic cowboy hat/shoe toss in the makeup room, spliced together with that sloppy strip club scene where Jill chewed a $20 bill into hamster cage shavings after pulling it out of a guy’s banana hammock with her front teeth, and you pretty much just summed up Jill Vertes.
Even though she still hadn’t quite gotten her new hair style under control, Jill had no problem laying into Melissa for hiding her engagement to a married man, which in turn got all the Moms going on Mystery Greg‘s Cease and Desist lawyer letter.
Friends don’t sue Friends, mmmkay?
It was a touchy subject and immediately got everyone worked up. As Melissa did her best Talk to the Hand defensive blocking, it got pretty heated somewhere during the conversation. But honestly, after somebody reminded us all that Melissa is “cleanly shaved down there” nothing else really mattered except stopping my eyes and ears from bleeding.
Hoping for another Kardashian Moment, Jeff asked Melissa if he could sneak in a camcorder or two during her upcoming nuptuals and almost blacked out when she didn’t immediately say No. She didn’t say Yes..but at least she didn’t say No.
Part One finished off with the arrival of Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and her not so sugary Candy Apples attitude.
It wasn’t quite NeNe‘s ATL, but Cathy and Christi together still made for some fun television. Especially when we got to see some never before seen footage of Cathy tossing water at Christi on the sidewalk like a true Real Housewife bitch.
Dance Moms getting down and dirty on the streets? Sign me up.
Full disclosure: Not going to lie. I was secretly rooting for somebody to pull on someone’s wig like Sheree Whitfield and Kim Zolciak‘s classic street brawl, but no such luck. Don’t get me wrong, and don’t judge. I don’t condone violence, though I do condone hair pulling and face slapping if justified for the storyline or ratings.
You have to draw the line somewhere.
And like any good Housewife Reunion, the really good stuff is in Part Two.
Cathy barely got her engine revved this time around, so according to the previews, next week should be a classic.
And hold up. Was that sassy Kaya they just showed getting all Miss Thang up in everyone’s face next time? She’s back?!
I don’t know how Andy Cohen does it. I’m exhausted.