Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Melissa Cease And Desist’

Dance Moms: Do The Plastic Surgery Samba. How About A Little Nip & Tuck While We’re Waiting For Joffrey? Abby Tightens Things Up In Michigan.

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012

 

Remember…there’s no “I” in TEAM. But there’s a “MEAT” which gives me the munchies.

 

 

 

 

Seriously? The bottom row? This stinks worse than that Beef Jerky onesie, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

Haters gonna be hating. Don’t diss the Maddie Show.

 

 

 

 

I’m about to unleash some mad serious Beyoncé on these chicks, for realz.

 

 

 

 

 

Look up there. Not one Candy Apple. That alone is way better than a nose job, thank you.

 

 

 

Admit it.  It’s ok.

Who wouldn’t want a little nip & tuck? Nothing major.  Just a little sumthin sumthin to take a few years off the old face after years of hard living, bad choices and too much Reality TV.

Like those forehead creases you got from your eyes bugging out during two seasons of Dance Moms.

Or those jowly, marionette lines you got from your jaw hanging open for a solid hour each week.

Or those annoying “11″ lines between your eyebrows you got from squinting to make certain that the girls were actually wearing something up there during that scandalous Topless Showgirls episode, may it forever Rest In Peace.

You get my drift.

Luckily for you, this week was your chance to live vicariously through the Abby Lee Miller Dance Company as they shimmied and sashayed their way through a plastic surgery group number that would have made any Beverly Hills Housewife proud.

As Abby continued to push the girls to dance longer, harder and tighter for the upcoming Energy Dance Competition, we learned way more than we needed to about stress fractures, surgical procedures and Kelly’s maternally drained upper body.

But, as always, the party couldn’t start until the Pyramid of Shame was revealed.

This time around the Seriously, What Kind Of Tape Do They Use On Maddie’s Picture Because I Don’t Think They Could Pull It Off The Top If They Had To Pyramid was a bit of a downer for some of the girls.

Poor Chloe and her little eyes were stuck on the bottom row.  I know, right?

Chloe nailed her stuff last week, but Abby wanted more.  And more.  And then some more after that, which according to the rules in Abby’s head, require Chloe sit this one out down in the basement.

Paige and her sassy, slightly too old for her head haircut was right there next to Chloe, as was Nia.

The same rules that got Chloe in the bottom applied to Paige, while Nia was there because she was a beat or two pokey in last week’s trio.  She tried her gosh darnedest, but let’s be honest…she was playing catch up a few times.

That, and the fact that Mom Holly still won’t allow Abby to choreograph a Mr. Bojangles number each week.  She never says it, but I think Abby is still holding a grudge because Nia won’t let her hair go all Dy-No-Mite afro. Give it a rest, Abby, before Al Sharpton shows up.

Second row was held down by Brooke and smiley Mackenzie.

Little MacNugget just needs to keep working on her dancing and her front teeth.  She is a crazy good gymnast, and boinks all around the stage with that fearlessness that tiny kids have until the first time they cut their head open.  Brooke just needs to do something with her neck besides use it as a breeding ground for hickies.

I’m sure her Mom was thrilled when Abby pointed that one out on national television.

Check the hits on Brooke’s Facebook tonight.  They probably cut the JV football practice short so they could go home and get online.

Whether you’ve had Botox or not, there should have been no change in your facial muscles when Maddie was revealed on the top.  Every time she is on the upper deck I get confused as to whether I’m watching a repeat episode or not.  Wasn’t she just there last time, too?

The Big News this time, since there always has to be Big News, was that a talent scout from the Joffrey Ballet was going to be in the audience during the upcoming competition.

(Insert weekly KidSpaz here.)

This meant that they had to all step up their game, because now they had to win trophies and impress an agent who could potentially yank one of them into instant stardom.

And what better way to impress than do two…count ‘em…TWO trios and a group number about plastic surgery?  This announcement gave Christi a chance to squint and question the balance between the trios, and gave the rest of us the first of many chances to hear about Kelly’s less than stellar boobs.

MacNugget, Paige & Nia were going to be competing against Chloe, Brooke & Maddie.

As for the experience and balance…one group had top tier Maddie, and the other had a 7 year old who can do major backflips until those Ohio cows from last week come home,  but only a little bit of 7 year old dancing.  Do the math.

I didn’t squint as much on that one though, as I did when Kelly explained how breast feeding two girls could suck the air out of a balloon animal in under 30 seconds and leave it all withered up and stretchy.

When I came to and found I had slipped off the couch, I climbed back up and sure enough…Kelly was in the Mom Perch talking about her boobs again.

Luckily Christi interrupted her long enough to try out that new iPhone with the Siri to see how many hours it was to Michigan.  Honestly, if Kelly hadn’t finally shut up about her small boobs and disproportionate bootay I would have started walking down the highway.  How many days would that take, iPhone genie?

And then a mini Diva hit the ground.  Poor little Nia took a face plant in the rehearsal studio and got a stress fracture in her mini Diva foot.  But she’s a trooper.  Sasha Nia, bitches.

Maddie and Chloe were also assigned solos that would be performed in front of Mr. Joffrey at the competition.  While Chloe struggled in rehearsals, Maddie got 400% of Abby’s attention and guidance.

Pick favorites, much?

When this was pointed out to Mom Melissa, it went about as well as you would expect.

Gah.  I’m losing track.  Can’t talk about her personal life.  Can’t talk about her engagement.  Can’t talk about her booty call boyfriend.  Can’t talk about her kids.  What’s left?  Why are you even on this show, lady?

Abby was so impressed with what she could see of Maddie through her tunnel vision that she had the entire Senior Company Dancers come in and watch her routine.

It was kind of nice to actually see a few other dancers in the studio.  We knew all along that Lifetime couldn’t keep the lights on with just the tuition checks from six kids and a few Jane Seymour movies, and we’ve only really seen one or two nameless Mom Heads accidentally pop up from the other side of the Perch Couch (…seriously…did the other off camera Moms have to crawl around back there on all fours if they didn’t sign something?…) so it was a nice change of pace.

Granted, the senior kids looked like kids do when you make them all report to the gymnasium for an assembly on Prom Etiquette…but at least they showed.  And Maddie did her thing, and it was clear that she was getting priority seating, if you know what I mean.  But it’s not her fault.  She’s more level headed than most adults I know.  And that Jennifer Lopez hair stylist she hired is growing on me.  So props, Maddie.

When the Moms kept needling Melissa about favoritism, she finally blew a nutty and ran out like TMZ paparazzi was stalking her.

Seriously.  Holding your coat up over your head to block the cameras?  You’re a Dance Mom, not some coked out starlet leaving the Grove at 2am.  Chill pill.

According to Siri it was going to be a long ride, so everybody boarded the bus for Michigan and hit the road.

Melissa had dialed down the Hollywood drama a notch or two and decided to show up, and even brought a gift for Kelly.

It was a little black bra…because of that whole, you know, boob thing.  Don’t make me relive that moment.

By the time they got to Michigan, the girls were starting to stress out about the Joffrey Guy.  Maddie and Chloe each had to learn three dances in record time, and most of the attention had gone to Maddie.  So everyone was a little on edge.  Even Abby’s hair was more tightly wound.  Girlfriend is certainly getting her money’s worth with those hot rollers.

Even Melissa was a little off her game as she stabbed Maddie with a pin.  That was good for a few tears, which probably came from pre-dance stress and not from the actual puncture wound.

Mr. Joffrey was seated in the audience.

He definitely was not what I expected, even though I didn’t really have any expectations.

He was a lot less Kids from Fame than I thought he would be, and a whole lot more Wall Street.  That could have just been due to the fact that Lifetime ran that Dance Moms: Miami promo every 90 seconds, and I was getting so used to that So You Think You Can Dance guy being all Faaabulous and everything that it clouded my judgement.

Whatever.  The point is he was there.  In a tie like the guy at my bank wears.

Maddie did her solo and it was great.  Abby said you could hear a pin drop in the audience.  Or you would have I guess, if it wasn’t still lodged in Maddie’s hip.

Thanks, Mom.  Next time watch what you’re doing, or learn how to sew.  Pay attention…or can we not talk about that, either?

Both trios were nifty.  MacNugget bazoinked all over the place as per usual.  Nia got her groove back, even with the stress fracture.  Brooke even smiled, I think.  The lights were so bright it kind of blurred out any hickies she may have been sporting.

Poor Chloe choked on her solo and forgot a chunk of it, which Abby was more than happy to point out later in the Green Room.  Abby also managed to spin that blooper into a bad flashback for Nia who had forgotten her own stuff a few weeks earlier.

The plastic surgery group number was the highlight.  With their faces all marked up with Sharpies with those dotted lines that you always see on tenderloin cut pictures at the butcher shop, the girls busted out their best Nip,Tuck & Roll.  The audience seemed to be digging it, but they didn’t win.

This must have been a pretty fancy competition, because they had a drum roll before each prize was given.  Michigan knows how to throw a party.

Maddie won.  Brooke’s trio won.  Chloe didn’t.  The other trio didn’t.

Abby used the whole thing as a learning experience to force feed teamwork to the dancers.  Group numbers have to be as tight as a celebrity’s face.

Finally, Mr. Ballet Bank of Joffrey came out back to meet the gang.  Next Friday they are having open auditions for their Summer Program.  Full scholarship for some lucky winners.

(Insert SECOND KidSpaz of the week.  This one put us way over quota.)

The girls went full on gangstah dance as they jumped all over the room.  Abby even hoisted up tiny MacNugget like she was a laundry bag, and the poor thing looked like Pinocchio did right before the whale swallowed him up.

Everyone was hyper happy, but I’m not gonna lie…I missed my Jill poof.  And there was definitely not enough Candy Apple drama for my tastes.

I don’t know if Michigan was ready for that bad a** red haired Mom, so to prevent rioting in the streets Chaos Cathy and her League of Tupperware Vixens must have chosen to stay home for the safety of glitter eyed Vivi-Anne and that Justice scamp.

But it looks like everyone will be back next week to kick some serious Joffrey butt.

I’m gonna need an extra shot of Restylane to get through that one.

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Dance Moms: Girl, Pleez. They Did Not Just Go & Get All Up In Your Personal Bidness! You Mess With A Mom, And It Gets Messy. Melissa Pleads The 5th.

Wednesday, March 21st, 2012

 

Except for my Twitter account, Dance blog, Pinterest page & national TV show my personal life is no one’s business.

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t think I won’t, cuz I will. Right here. Dance Mob Style. Badabing.

 

 

 

So you’re positive none of the Dads on Dance Moms:Miami are in the mob? I need a hit put out on these bitches, asap.

 

 

 

 

Abby Lee Corleone can make it all go away. They’ll be dancing with the glitter fishes.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, Girlfriend. When did this become our life?

 

 

 

I’m not even sure what show I just watched.

It was either Toddlers & Tiaras, Mob Wives, Perry Mason, Beverly Hillbillies or one of those PBS pledge week specials featuring Cirque du Soliel.

Or maybe it was just Dance Moms.

Yeah.  That’s what it was.  Dance Moms…all chock full of tasty goodness and enough crazy to fill at least five other networks.

Seriously.  There was enough legal mumbo jumbo, Ohio livestock, tight wire clowns and babies wearing lipstick that I’m sure you can relate to my initial confusion.

I don’t know how they even had time to dance this week.

Fresh off the Abby Lee Dance Company’s so so performance at…I forget…wherever that wooden gymnasium floor was located, Abby Lee Miller is ready to lay down the law and get the party started for the next go round.  It’s the Company Dance Competition in Chicago and the joint will be jumping with top notch jazz handers and judges that know their stuff.

Spoiler Alert:  It will also be crawling with Candy Apple Dancers.

That’s right.  Chaos Cathy Nesbitt is bringing her A Team from the Evil Dance Lair.  Better known as Candy Apple’s Dance Center, located in the heart of No Man’s Land USA, Cathy and her League of Sneaky Strip Mall Moms are looking to take down Abby and her tiny dancers at any cost.

Since her nemesis with the crazy skunk hair would be in the hizzle, Abby needed to make sure the Why Do We Have To Do This Again When It’s Always Maddie At The Top Pyramid of Shame was set up for success.

Poor little Diva-in-Training Nia was stuck at the bottom again, thanks to her now infamous Mime in a Box routine last week when she blanked out on her choreography and just stood there until someone threw change in a hat.  It was heartbreaking to see that mini Beyonce in full-on panic mode.  Props to her for getting a second chance and making it through the number.

MacNugget Mackenzie was also on the bottom, basically because she wasn’t born first and named Maddie.

Brooke finished up the trifecta.  She’s Brooke.  Boys are cute and life sucks. The End.

Chloe and her Beanie Baby eyes were on the second row again, along with Paige.

I need a tape measure, because I swear Chloe is taller every week.  Unless I’m sitting closer to my television, that kid is having a spurt.

Paige has been rocking a pretty sassy, wavy kind of layered haircut which makes her look like the up and coming Wild Child compared to all the Ballet Girl ponytails in the room.  You know she totally head bobs that thing all over the cafetorium when Justin Bieber comes on during the chaperoned school dances.

Nothing like that perfume that comes with a matching doll and the smell of fish sticks to bring back some fond memories.  But I’m showing my age and getting off track.

Taking a break from pre-teen stripping and booty popping, Abby had created a group number about a homeless child.  Rather than being excited that their girls would be exposed to a very polarizing issue in our country right now, the Moms were psyched that they didn’t have to spend the night BeDazzling any leotards.   As Kelly excitedly proclaimed, homeless people don’t wear rhinestones.

Yikes.  Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that homeless people watch TV in shelters…and they just changed the channel.

Have another Budweiser, Kelly.

Nia finally made it into the Trio, and she almost spit her braces out she got so excited.

Meanwhile, back at the Evil Dance Lair…

Chaos Cathy was breaking down her plans to destroy Abby in Chicago.

The Moms (…in their Secret Identity clothes…not the evil spandex that I hope we get to see this season…) were hanging on Cathy’s every word like she was the Penguin plotting to Kill The Batman.

That bad a** Mom with the red hair was totally wearing a latex Catwoman suit underneath her street clothes.  You couldn’t see it, but she was.  I could just tell.

Runaway Mom Jill and her poof were there as well, and it was good stuff.

Since Jill jumped Abby’s ship, each day she has had to pack up Kendall and cart her across state lines like a Fed-Ex shipment for rehearsals in Ohio.  Just seeing Jill standing there next to all the other moms, looking and feeling so out of place, is worth the price of admission.

I mean, look at her.  You know the type.  Those women who shop Nordstrom’s online and think they are so much prettier than the other ladies in the neighborhood.  But sometimes you just need a lightbulb and have to go to Walmart.  And there they are, standing in line and you can pick them out a mile away even before you see the sweat on their upper lip.

That’s Jill.  Doesn’t want to be there.  But she needs lightbulbs.  Just please, Lord, don’t let my friends see me in line.

Cathy’s daughter Vivi-Anne apparently still doesn’t have a humidifier in her bedroom, because she was her usual stuffed up self complete with early morning Revlon Red lips and glitter eye shadow.  It must take her 90 minutes to get ready for school in the morning if she has to apply all that paint before the bus honks outside the farmhouse.  I hope she has an early bedtime.

Cathy picked messy haired Justice to go head to head with Maddie in the solo division.  He seems like a nice kid, and I’m not gonna talk too much smack about him in case his mom is the bad a** one.  I’m not really sure who belongs to who in that crew…they don’t really match them up very often.  Name tags would be nice.  But until that happens, I’m just going on hair color.

Justice dances like a marionette with one broken string, but he’s cute in that tousled boy who stuck his finger in a socket kind of way.  And he’s a boy.   And boys kick a** at dance competitions because only four ever show up at one time.  He and Vivi-Anne also skew the age down in the categories when they run across the stage, so there’s a method to Cathy’s madness.

The Candy Apple group number is Ode to a Clown.

Think Cirque du Soleil minus Celine Dion and her styrofoam piano flying overhead, throw in a little Tim Burton oddballishness (…if that’s a word…) and hit it with some spray glue and Martha Stewart glitter.  There you have it.

And some umbrellas, because…well, I don’t know why.  Just do it.

Ode to a Clown.

While that mess was being rehearsed, the Moms were back up in the Mom Perch at Abby’s, finding out that Holly would be taking a leave of absence from The I Have A Doctorate School of Holly to spend more time with her family.  There just isn’t enough time in the day for working and working and working and sitting in the Mom Perch, so Holly announced that next year she is full time in the Perch.

Then it got cra-cra-crazy.

Even though everyone in Pittsburgh knows that Melissa is engaged to her booty call boyfriend Greg, for whatever reason she still refuses to discuss it.  So naturally, the Moms called her out on not wearing her engagement ring anymore and the whole thing just got messy.  Melissa Messy.

She didn’t want anyone up in her business, and had a Triple M.

Major Melissa Meltdown.

She flipped out, bolted downstairs and tried to pull Maddie from the competition.  Kids started crying.  Everyone ran around like spooked hamsters.  More kids cried.  Melissa grabbed one kid and stormed out of the building.  I’m not sure she really even checked to see if it belonged to her, but she wanted out NOW.

In simple texting lingo, everyone was all like totally OMG WTF?

Next day, after the dust settled and Melissa realized she had taken the wrong kid, she came back and pretty much pretended the whole thing never happened.  Everyone was going to Chicago now.  Crisis averted.

Or so they thought, until the legal mumbo jumbo part started.

The rest of the Moms were served with Cease & Desist papers from a lawyer.  Papers that basically stated that they could not gossip, mention or discuss Melissa’s life at all, in any way, any form or any manner.

A lawyer?  No gossip?

I’ll be looking for my papers by tomorrow morning.  Just slide them under the door.  My mailbox is pretty small.

As usual, the competition itself wasn’t even the highlight of the episode.

Maddie’s solo was great, and kind of looked like it gave Justice his first Boy Tingle.  Did you see him watching her?  Like he just saw the girls’ gym class for the first time.  I’m pretty sure his hair got curlier, but it could have just been the heat from the stage lights.

His solo was ok, in a missing string marionette kind of way.  Shove him in a Time Machine, age him about 10 years and stick a red Solo cup in his hand…you just witnessed his first Frat Party White Boy Shuffle.  Justice needs to work on his stage face.

But he’s a cutie, just in case his Mom is…you know.

During a break in the festivities, the Moms headed out for a snack and in between cocktails got all WTF on Melissa in regards to the legal papers.  In typical Melissa fashion, she shrugged it off and oddly mentioned that it wasn’t her attorney…it was Greg’s.   As they discussed how any friend could serve papers against another friend, they completely lost focus on what they should be debating.

What was going on with Kelly’s turtleneck sweater?

Seriously.

Like a turtleneck that you pulled over your head and your head was too big and the neck part ripped off.  But you were running late and kept it on anyway.  Like a turtleneck necklace or something.

You need to find that scene and figure it out.  I’m the biggest fashionista snob around, but that thing was just whacked.  Or maybe it was her hair and crazy eyes.  She was not happy with Melissa at all.

Back at the competition, awards were handed out.  Blah blah blah.  You’re not reading this for that stuff.

One of the main Candy Apple Dancers busted her foot during the performance.  Painful to see, but it gave Jill an opportunity to do her Walmart Happy Dance and shamelessly push her kid to the front of the line.

After it was all over, Chaos Cathy showed up back in the make up room with an engagement gift for Melissa.  I’m pretty sure it was ticking.

Either that or it was Melissa’s blood pressure, because she had a mini Triple M, refused the gift and directed all questions, lingerie and Cuisinart blenders to her attorney.

She bolted again, and the door slammed shut like it does on The Celebrity Apprentice.

No wonder I don’t even know what I’m watching half the time.

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