DanThat'sCool!

 

 

 

I got two words for you. Stupid. Hair. Yeah…I went there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mia? Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?

 

 

 

 

 

 

You do not want me to get all Miami Gotti on your a**, blondie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They said never cut your own bangs. But did I listen? No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You only get one chance to throw the cookie in his mouth. One chance.

 

 

 

 

Careful what you wish for.

It took 7 and a half episodes…but we finally got the kind of meltdown that would make even  Abby Lee Miller proud.

That’s right.  Dance Moms: Miami finally lived up to its namesake Birth Mother with a veritable meltdown potpourri of screaming, yelling, tantrums, slamming doors, crying children and the kind of telenovela drama usually reserved for recipients of a Daytime Emmy.

And it was over the top.  Season Finale over the top.  Fiercely over the top, in a Season Finale kind of way, bitches.

I think you get my point.

After basically boxing up and bringing home every trophy possible from their most recent competition, Team Stars was back home in their military line up to get this week’s work orders.  Even rockstar dancers need a splash of cold reality in their face to keep them grounded, so nothing ever starts without The List.

This time around all the Moms were present, which meant they were once again one chair short.

Seriously? Eight weeks later?  Can someone please get Angel a calculator when you pick up his Rosetta Stone DVDs?

I’ll cut Angel some slack and give him the benefit of the doubt this time.  It is possible that the studio was recently robbed, and the burglars only had time to lift one Mom chair and a tube of Victor’s FreezeItUp hair gel.

Did you see Ms. Smalley’s ‘do?  What was that all about?  All that finally sculpted Closer to Jesus hair had collapsed and was flopping all over the place.  Shameless, I tell you.

An insult to choreographers everywhere.

After dramatically brushing hair off his forehead like a dog that just won at Westminster, Victor got rite down 2 bidnezz.

Topless Lucas was at the top again.  He had taken 1st Place in his category and a stash of special awards last week,  so that got our little one legger prime seating on The List.

Lucas was psyched, and said it made him feel like “Hell on Wheels.”  It also made him rip his shirt off like a 65 pound Incredible Hulk and do that Club MTV shoulder swagger thing he always does.

Cutting back on carbs paid off for Hannah, and she found herself in the second spot.

As we’ve already discussed, the Boys are not big on math, so they made it clear that Hannah was in second place because…duh…she got 2nd at the competition.  That made it easy to figure out, and Angel didn’t risk getting his third ice cream headache of the day.

Sammy nailed her solo last time, and really improved on her artistry.  Victor flashed his Addam’s Family manicure and confirmed that she was indeed stunning last week.  But she had to be in the third hole because the first two were already filled and he had used that kind of foam tape that really sticks to the mirror.

So like any good girl, Sammy stopped at third base.

Slurpy Kimmy was next to the bottom in fourth place.  Luckily a couple of jiggly mess ups in the group number won’t adversely effect her Mensa score, so it will still all work out in the end.

But Kimmy and Mom Ani tend to put the O in OCD, so they immediately made plans to use this as a lesson in humility that they would both discuss in depth tomorrow at 4am while Kimmy downs her 3rd cup of Joe and completes the footnotes on her Molecular  Dynamics thesis.

I love Kimmy.

Speaking of hot coffee…Susan’s pot was just about to boil over when Jessi landed at the bottom again.  Jessi had touched the floor during her off balance extension, which is not cool.  You either cover up your wobble like a pro, or crack your head open and learn from your mistakes, missy.

Susan was destined to set off the building sprinklers today, you could just tell.  Someone was overheating her engine block, and it was only a matter of time.

Based on The List, Lucas and Kimmy were dueting again, while Sammy and Hannah were doing solos.

Jessi?  Well, thank for playing.  If you leave now you won’t miss the bus.  According to my finely honed psychic powers, this just ain’t gonna be her week.

But this is the week for Tulsa, Oklahoma…and the iHollywood Dance Competition.  Yippee I Ay, I guess.

When I saw it spelled like that, with the little “i” and the big “H” I got all excited thinking that Apple had their own dance competition where everyone wins iPads or iPhones or iPods, but no such luck.  Turned out it was just another normal competition with frames and trophies.  Wah.  Wah.

But this week there was a surprise! A surprise for all!  Drumroll, please.

In came Star’s 10 year old Elite Dancer Extraordinaire Mia Diaz!

Insert the patented Dance Moms HyperSpaz here: ________________!

The kids went completely Nutella and got their group hugs on while the Moms all ground their back teeth into chalk dust.

If you follow the activities of young children anywhere outside of the NBC Dateline Internet Chat Rooms, then you know that Mia is a big dealio in the dance world.  She brings with her years of experience, years of trophies and years of being a mini-celebrity in the competition industry.

She also brings with her a mother who I swear is Victoria Gotti from Celebrity Apprentice.  Or at the very least, her DNA cloned Miami replica.

Even if she’s not previously married to the mob, she will cut you.

It was clear the second that Susan unleashed her laser beam stare and Brigette swallowed her gum that there was no love in the room for Leo as she hustled in behind her daughter.  You would think she was an iHollywood handler making sure her SuperStar client got to speak with Ryan Seacrest on the Red Carpet they way she shoved Mia into the crowd.

It was that kind of entrance.

As all the Moms were herded into their cage, the kids got to rehearsing.  Leo sized each Mom up and down like she had an infrared x-ray spy scanner implanted in her skull while Ani teared up.

Since Kimmy and Ani are the only two people in the studio who can do math in their head, they had both already figured out that one of the kids was probably going to get cut now that Mia had arrived.

Ani left the room to commiserate with crazy Mayra, who was rocking some seriously new hair from the Jaclyn Smith Wig Collection.  And who says you can’t get a good curl with synthetics?

Leaving Stars Dance Studio for a few minutes, we got a chance to meet Brigette’s family for the first time and spy on her her home life, which was not pretty.

Lucas’s brothers, Lex and Logan, not only have two of the coolest comic book names evah but completely support their dancing sibling, as long as it doesn’t conflict with Dad’s football plans.  Brigette’s husband, or at least the top of his head that was buried in the Sports Section of some Miami rag, wasn’t really feeling the whole dance thing and it’s taking a toll on their marriage.

You could have turned off your television right here and been able to figure out how that is all going to work out in the end.  Sad.

As the competition grew closer, everyone was pretty much a hot mess in rehearsals.  Having Mia breathing down their necks was taking a toll on their focus, and Victor was not happy.

He was definitely happy that he had found his missing gel and gotten his hair mojo back, but the kids were another story.

To get the party started, he gave Mia a solo on the spot and sent Mayra into the cage to let Gotti know she needed to pay for the spot in competition.  Debi and Abby were not going to stand for that, and stormed out to have a meeting with whoever they could snag in the lobby.

I love when Moms storm out and take their purses with them.  After all these years of dance they still think that the other Moms are going to go through their stuff and steal chapstick or something.  I get great joy out of those moments for some reason.

To rub more salt in the wound, the duet was now a trio as Mia moved in on that turf as well.  Lucas loves his ladies, so he wasn’t too upset, but Kimmy gets some janky nerves when she’s put up against another dancer.  Victor made note of that fact that Kimmy has trouble with anything Fierce, and then spent the rest of the episode fully demonstrating his own skills.

Snap.  Pivot.  Work It.  Own It.  Learn from the Master, bitch.

Hannah’s solo rehearsals were about the only thing going well.  She managed to represent for the Big Girls again, and had amazing focus considering the uncomfortable manner in which Angel kept grabbing the front of his plaid Gap shorts.  Take it outside, dude.

The pressures of Dance 24/7 were starting to wear on the Moms as well.  Abby had taken to sleeping with one eye open since she had known Gotti for some time.  Debi had a tearful one on one with Hannah while Brigette finally cracked over her impending divorce to the Sports Section Guy.  Susan clinked and rattled to the point where you knew it would only be a matter of time before those pipes burst and everyone got scalded while Ani worried about…well…pretty much everything.  O to the C to the D.

Finally it was iShow time.

This competition must be a bigger deal than some of the others, because they had invested in an actual backdrop instead of rolling hotel tarp.  Keeping with the Hollywood theme, there was a gigantic Old Time movie projector graphic in the middle of the Dance Dance Xbox 360 artwork, but all I could think of was the Muppet Beaker and his beady bug eyes.  Rewind and check it out when they were giving out awards.  It was like Beaker had fallen into a vat of nuclear goo and gotten really, really big and now he was watching all of us over the MC’s shoulders.

The group number was all about Celebrity (…better known as Let’s All Dance Around Mia!…) and didn’t turn out so well.  Jessi fell out of her turn and Lucas had no shirt on again.

Blah.  Blah.  The dancing isn’t really important.  It’s the After Party where it got good.

Backstage, the whole Mia thing was out of control.  I missed who scooted all the kids out of the room, but luckily they were in the Safe Room when it all went down.  Brigette and Leo got all up in each other’s grill, chest to chest screaming about who is jealous of who.  (Whom?  I never get that right.)

When Gotti turned away with one of those Jersey Talk to the Hand flips, Brigette grabbed it like a dog grabbing a bone which snapped Angel into action.  Somehow he swooped down at her, almost knocking her to the ground like a crazy homeless woman.

In eight episodes, I can honestly say that was the fastest I have ever seen the guy move.  That knit poncho/cape button-up contraption he was wearing made Angel pretty aerodynamic.

Nobody lays a hand on nobody, though, and Victor kicked Brigette out of the room…and potentially out of Stars.

Just like any good DayCare, when one baby cries they all cry.  Susan started in on the Boys about favoritism and Mia and Leo being a bitch and the next thing you knew, she was kicked out of the room by Angel who momentarily morphed into some bats*** crazy gay Phantom of the Opera.  I don’t know how else to describe it.

Victor was picking them off like ducks at the State Fair.  Who’s Next?  Who’s Next?

There was so much fierce drama that I expected RuPaul to burst through the door and tell them all to just shut the f*** up and sashay away.

Susan walked a sobbing Jessi out of the building, vowing that she was done with Stars.

Brigette hugged a sobbing Lucas as he begged her to not tear him from his Stars family.  (Now is probably not the time to mention that you’re leaving Daddy.  Just saying.)

Everyone was clutching their pearls and fanning themselves like a hot July in Miami, child.

It was like the season finale of Dance Moms: Oprah.

You get to cry!  You get to cry!  You all get to cry!

No doubt about it.  Abby Lee Miller would be proud.

 

 

I am a well trained professional prima ballerina. Many men have referred to me as The Nutcracker.

 

 

 

 

Why does it always have to be Abby? Just once I’d like to be the pretty one. Work with me.

 

 

 

 

Those bitches. Why didn’t anyone tell me I had chocolate on my face?

 

 

 

 

 

It says you need to lose 10 lbs of baby fat and 200 lbs of enabling mother.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back dat thang up.

 

 

 

 

I don’t know if it was my 2 hours at the gym tonight or Dance Moms: Miami that is making me feel so dehydrated.

Considering that I forgot my iPod and was having a difficult time lip reading Judge Judy on the monitor, I didn’t really work that hard on the treadmill.  So it’s probably a given that my light headedness stems from this week’s episode, where there was so much crying and talk about salty food that I really need to replenish my fluids before I get one of those debilitating dancer cramps.

The gang was heading to San Antonio this time around, and you know what they say.

Everything’s bigger in Texas.  The hair, the drama and the number on the bathroom scale.  All big.

Really big.

What they don’t say is that everything starts getting big before you even leave Miami to board the plane to Texas.

This week all the dancers were headed to Starbound for the 99th time this season.

I’m unsure if that is the only competition left in America that will allow anyone even remotely affiliated with Abby Lee Miller to get past security, or if they’re all just Starbound groupies who follow the judges from city to city like stoners following a trail of pot smoke from the Grateful Dead tour bus.

Either way, San Antonio…get ready for some Fierceness.

But before they could pack their cowboy spurs and all of Victor’s new spiked goth jewelry, everyone had to deal with The List.

Drumroll, please.

The biggest newsflash this week was that every Mom finally had a chair to sit in, which made Victor pause and do some quick mathematical calculations in his head.  Something wasn’t right.

Turned out that Sammy and her Mom “I’m the Pretty One” Abby were MIA, which explained the balanced seating arrangements.

Last week, after yet another throw down with the Moms, Abby and Sammy took off and hadn’t been heard from since.  Hopefully they were not lying dead in a ditch on the side of the highway, because neither Victor or Angel could be bothered to find out what happened.  Keep it moving, people.  Nothing to see here.

Going bottom up…which is a hysterically fitting metaphor for so many things in Miami…The List was unveiled.

The lowest spot on the Toe Shoe Totem Pole was held by the missing Sammy, prompting Angel to declare that he would not waste his saliva on any explanation.

Plus he needed that mouth juice for his snacks later.  Dude could use a sit up or two.

Don’t be hating…I’m just saying.

Fourth slot was Hannah.  She still needed to work on her technique and caloric intake.  Each week her weight has increasingly become the elephant in the room, no hurt or pun intended.

Hannah has an amazing head on her shoulders, and wants people to see her for a dancer, not as a kid with a Mom who overfeeds her every night.  She knows what she needs to do, and is working on it for crying out loud, but Mom has some kind of lettuce phobia or something that won’t allow her to approach a salad bar without an inhaler.

So Hannah pays the price each week, whether it be concerned looks from the other Moms or the costumes they make her wear with those floppy swatches of fabric draped across her belly.

Worst.  Camouflage.  Job.  Ever.

Third spot is for topless Lucas.  He nailed his performances last time, but snitched on Sammy for dropping Kimmy on her head and as anyone who watches Mob Wives knows…nobody likes a rat.

Kimmy almost made it to the top, but got stuck at second because she was late on her penché, whatever that is.  I don’t have time to Google it, but whatever a penché is…it shouldn’t be done late.  She also got props for taking the heat for Sammy’s goof, even though getting dropped on the noggin wasn’t her fault.

Jessi made it back up on top after plummeting to the bottom for weeks.  Her solo last week was great, and she made it another 7 days without killing her mother while she slept.  Kudos.

Sammy and Abby decide to roll back into the studio as Victor began the assignments for the week, which wound him up a little tighter.

Jessi and Kimmy were given a duet.

If you didn’t know either of them you would immediately visualize some chick fight dance where the mean girl shoves the nerd girl inside her locker between classes. But since we’ve had 6 weeks to get acquainted it wasn’t going to be so terrifying to see Jessi flip Kimmy up over her head with one arm.

They like each other, even though their Moms are in the other room chewing through each other’s necks.

Lucas got a solo.  Duh.  I wonder if it will involve lifting his right leg straight up in the air?

Hannah got a solo as well, which was her golden opportunity to show all them skinny bitches how the big girls get it done.  In yo’ face.  Love her.

The group number was all about Abandonment Issues, designed as Victor’s way to force feed some teamwork down everyone’s throats.

And speaking of force feeding…uh oh.

As Hannah worked on her solo, the whole weight thing finally bubbled to the surface like microwaved cheese dip.

Now you don’t have to read medical journals at the dentist office to have heard a little something about childhood obesity and unhealthy eating habits.  Just swing by any Food Court on your way to Macy’s.

Unless Hannah is buying the household groceries with her allowance and birthday money, I’m pretty sure Mom Debi is stocking the refrigerator, and what she is not eating herself…she is feeding to her daughter.

Debi got overly defensive about the weight issue and didn’t appear to really see how enabling she may have become at meal time.  But luckily Mayra and her every changing hairdo was there to grind the point into Debi’s face like a seasoned pork rub.

Mayra called out Debi for allowing Hannah to eat a hamburger at the airport, when somewhere in the terminal there had to have been a Subway sandwich shop.  Then it got ugly as Debi stormed out, vowing that Mayra would never again put her kid on the scale and that by the way…it was only half a hamburger, so go back to your front desk and f*** off.

Abandonment was key this week, as Angel and Victor kept disappearing at random inopportune times.

Mayra checked in on the duet while Angel focused on the never seen Senior Dancers, which made the Moms a little itchy.  There were also a few scenes with the kids just standing around waiting for some direction, which made the Moms incredibly itchy.

While Victor showed off his new black & white Sephora manicure to the kids, the Moms decided that they would all try to get along for the sake of their kids and their own sanity.

The Moms.  Getting along.

I know, right?

As they all bonded with that hand stack thing the Fantastic Four always does before they head off into the Negative Zone, their giddy Mom cheer got Victor so traumatized that he had to call off the group rehearsal, flamboyantly grab all his accessories and go bat s*** DivaPalooza out the front door.

PS.  That was not a ManPurse he had seductively draped over his wrist as he exited stage right.  Sorry.  That was 100% Lady Bag.

Victoria, honey.  C’mon.

Then it got cray cray.

In came Mayra, with no wig or weave, to teach the ballet class because both Victor and Angel were MIA.  A lot of that going around lately.

The Moms went from itchy to full blown rash as they watched Mayra in her elastic pants and real hair lead the kids through their barre work.  Word on the street is that Mayra used to be a professional dancer, so I guess it’s like riding a bike, but the Moms weren’t having it this close to competition.  Everyone kept looking around for Ashton Kutcher to poke his head in the doorway and scream “You just got Punk’d, bitches!” but no such luck.  This was really happening.

By the time Angel came in and made the announcement that he was staying home to work with those attention grabbing Seniors instead of joining everyone in San Antonio, the background drumroll and the Moms’ attitudes were both overly dramatic.

How could he abandon them at this late hour?  How could they go to Texas without him?  How does he fit in that Gap Kids polo shirt?  And how does he dance in flip flops?

Gah.  So many unanswered questions.

And then it got bigger, because it was Texas time!

I say it almost every week.  You gotta love Victor’s entrances into the venues.  Since they haven’t mastered the Abby Lee Miller group takeover walk, Victor just zones out and does his own mini runway, leaving all the kids behind.

They could all literally be hit by the airport shuttle bus and he wouldn’t know until the MC announces the Stars Dance Team and nobody goes on stage, because the dude is so focused on that strut.

This week’s runway included a hot pink top, purple pants, some whacked out jewelry and that shiny new manicure.  Victor has also turned the simple task of removing sunglasses from your face into an art form.  Walking down the narrow hallway you know he was totally dying to press himself up against the cinder block walls like that new Jennifer Lopez music video, but they were behind schedule.

Next time, maybe.

The dances all went really well.  Hannah nailed her big girl dance, and showed everyone that she ain’t backing it up, or backing it down.  She’s a force.

Debi, on the other hand, needs to just stop talking.  In a classic Toddlers & Tiaras Pageant Mom Moment, Debi guaranteed Hannah a few years of adult therapy by being completely dumbstruck that her own daughter didn’t fail.  Mom was surprised when her kid wasn’t 4th.  She was 2nd.  And Mom expected 4th.  Or worse.

Debi better clear the DVR before she serves up another bucket of wings or Hannah is going to be devastated when she watches this episode.  Nice, Mom.  Nice.

Lucas somehow managed to dance both numbers with a shirt on, proving that…yes…he can still lift his right leg up 42 times without being stripped down like internet kiddie porn.  Hopefully we’ve seen the last of naked Lucas.

Jessi doinked her back right as the duet was heading to the stage, but she still managed to pick up Kimmy like Idaho potatoes and spin her all over the stage without dropping her, which is a good thing.  I don’t think Kimmy’s summa cum laude GPA could withstand too many more blows to the skull.

One quick pointer for any tech engineers who happened to find this site by mistake.

Starbound has one of the worst sound systems I’ve ever heard.  Seriously.  If the kids didn’t stand up, I would never have known who won what prize.  What was she saying?

My grade school Peter and The Wolf play was easier to hear, and that was in the cafetorium with a tripod mic on fish stick day.

Fix that.  Now.

Team Stars owned San Antonio, as Victor pointed out.  They stole all the trophies out from everyone else and got their Fierce On.  The numbers were great, the kids all did great and Victor’s funky new jewelry was killer.

That calls for some celebration snacks.

We’re all going to Debi’s for burgers.  Wanna come?

 

 

Seriously? The Nerd got the love letter? That is messed up.

 

 

 

 

 

Korroga…Krogography…     No, wait. Really.     This time I got it. Korahgraffi.

 

 

 

 

It says your butt’s too big and that top is still too small.

 

 

 

 

 

I did NOT put on my Big Boy Bib to be disrespected by a crazy Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

Screw artistry. That dance needs more technique. And more eyeliner.

 

 

 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Find out what it means to me.

And when you figure it out, can you please explain it to a few Moms I know before I send Aretha down to Miami and have her start bitch slapping somebody?

Please?

This week it was all about Respect and Survival on Dance Moms: Miami.

You need those skills out there in the real world, or the jungle…or that grey area in between known as the Dance Moms world.

It’s eat.  Or be eaten.  Just don’t eat a lot, because the scale doesn’t lie.

Back from their great showing at the Energy Dance Competition, Victor and Angel were already chomping at the bit for their next chance to grab some trophies for the case.  This time the gang was headed to Access Broadway in Orlando and there was a lot of work to get done.  If their team was going to make it to Regionals, or Nationals or whatever it is Dancers and Gleeks always go to, they would need to step up their game.

After The List, of course.

Even if the building catches on fire, nobody leaves until we finish The List.  Is that understood?

As the little dance troupe stacked up in their army line and the Moms lurked in the back of the room, Victor got the presentation started.  This week he—

Hold up.  Before we go any further.

Seriously?  Five weeks into this mess and nobody can find a 5th chair for the Moms?

One Mom is still left standing in the back while the other four take a load off?  You mean to tell me that huge studio doesn’t have one stray chair laying around somewhere?

How about they dump Mayra off her cushy front desk/receptionist chair?  Until we really get an explanation of what it is she does all day, she can read magazines on the floor.

Anyway.

Top of the hit parade was Jessi.  Kudos to her.  The same powerful, greedy paws that only a few weeks ago had ripped an award right out of another dancer’s hands have now helped her claw her way back up to the top.

I’ll give her one thumb up.  She has been working on her attitude.  Sporadically.

I still think she has the potential to cut someone if they cross her, and I’m not really sure if it’s the heavy eyeliner or allergies that make her squint.  But when she’s not mouthing off, the girl can dance.

The number 2 slot was all Kimmy.  Last week she managed to remember choreography, do a great dance and get all her advanced BioChem homework done before the Today show came on…so you go, girl.

Third was LadyKiller Lucas and his new haircut.  The L Man got a trim.  Keeping it tight and right.

Lucas had a few problems in his dancing last week and had to hang in the middle this round.  No biggie.  He’s still dope.

Fourth place, better known as second to the bottom, was Hannah.  Victor actually wanted her at the bottom, because she was too chicken s*** to fall backwards into Sammy’s arms during the Death Drop trust game.

Last week’s whole skinny girl/not so skinny girl duet thing was still a touchy subject and immediately got the eyeballs rolling around Mom Debi’s head like pinball marbles.

Last place was Sammy, because they ran out of room.

Before rehearsals could begin, Angel and Victor needed to address some issues.

Mainly, the Mom’s lack of respect.  Angel’s big gripe the last few weeks has been that the Moms are questioning their choreo…korograph…krrooga..

Choreography.  It’s called Choreography.

Seriously, dude.  Hooked on Phonics.  Sound.  It.  Out.

The boys are in charge.  The Moms are just their to carpool and swipe their credit cards.

End of story.

Since she didn’t hurt anyone or get arrested, Jessi got a solo.  An artistic kind of So You Think You Can Dance kind of solo.  Victor was definitely going back to his roots.  I almost called in to vote when she finally performed the number.

Hannah got a solo as well, which had Debi positively giddy when she wasn’t bitching out Abby for everything from the duet to the duet and then the duet.

Kimmy and Lucas were paired up in a romantic duet.  Or as romantic as 9 year olds can get, I guess.

Kimmy got a little skeeved out by the whole Boy Germ thing, while Lucas finally realized that having all that Game might actually net him a chick some day.

The group number was a Survival theme, which came complete with jungle drums during Victor’s unveiling.  It was like you were watching Dance Moms, but the audio track was from Survivor.  I was waiting for Brigette to pull out her lighter and get the tiki torches blazing.

My psychic powers told me that Lucas wouldn’t be wearing a shirt for that number.

Again.

As the kids got their Lion King on, the Moms chewed on each other like hyenas.  Abby and Debi continued their bickering which was basically a continuation of last week.  I should probably just cut & paste last week’s blog post into this paragraph, but I still haven’t figure out how to do that yet.  But you can imagine the conversation.

Seems the dealio at the studio is that everyone should come with about 27 more outfits than they actually need, in case a number gets cut or changed or Jessi cracks somebody in the head.  Apparently everyone knew that rule except newbie Abby, so Angel had sent her a text which she took to mean that last week’s half skinny/half not so skinny duet might not happen.

You know how that played out with Debi.

Abby flashed the text and here we go again.  Don’t show your texts to other people, whether they’re drunk texts or naked texts or dance texts.  Der.

Since Kimmy hadn’t had any real relationships yet, and Lucas didn’t know where his uncle kept the box of Playboys, the romance part of their dance wasn’t happening.  Their homework was to write each other love letters, put on a little Luther and get their groove on.

Naturally, Kimmy’s homework came complete with a bubble gum scented paper, a stamp, glitter stickers and a Trapper Keeper.  Lucas’s looked like he was mailing his Macy’s payment.

But it was cute.  Mom Ani had obsessively/compulsively helped Kimmy, so her love note was a little more on the Desperate Housewives “I love the way you take control” side of the spectrum, while Lucas said he would pick her up if he dropped her.

Chicks.  Go figure.

Then the whole thing suddenly morphed into an ABC AfterSchool Special on body image and eating disorders when Mayra put down her OK Magazine and came into the studio with a scale to weigh all the kids.

Yeah.  Like cattle at an auction.

I guess they do this in the dancers world a lot.  At least that’s what Angel said.

Apparently they don’t do it in the choreographers world, though, if you know what I mean.  But that’s what big scarves are for, right?

Oh snap.  I went there.

But they do it in the dancers world, I guess.  Abby was not a big fan at all and yanked Sammy out kicking and crying to the car like any good dramatic Dance Mom would do.

I’m Team Abby on this one.  At that age, unless the cafeteria is going to stop serving fish sticks and whoopie pies, I wouldn’t be weighing kids in front of each other.  Plus I don’t think Lucas could even make the needle move unless he put his big sunglasses back on.

In between all the rehearsing, Susan and Jessi managed to get plenty of disrespectful Mother/Daughter face time in as they argued about all the usual stuff.

Finally it was showtime.

Access Broadway was held in some hotel ballroom better suited for a Glitz pageant, where they just laid down a temporary wedding reception floor and hung a bazillion blinking starlights from those black fabric rolling backdrops they use to cover crap that nobody wants you to see.

Again…well documented.  I’m not a dancer, though in my head I am a dance authority.  I just thought the layout was odd.  You tripped on the carpet.  The edge of the dance floor was raised up just enough that you could trip on that as well if you were 5 open bar drinks into the reception.  It was eye level to the ballroom chairs.  Like floor seats at a concert that couldn’t afford a stage.

I was waiting for a baby to crawl across during a performance, or someone to drop their soda and watch the can roll under some ballet pose.  But it was incident free from my vantage point on my couch.

For all of Jessi’s issues, she nailed her solo.  It was simple and yet intense like any good cheese, or dance, should be.

The duet was cute.  Lucas actually came the closest to wearing a shirt that I’ve seen so far this season.  Yes, it was unbuttoned.  But at least it was a shirt.  On his body.  I’m surprised Victor didn’t just spray glue the clippings from Lucas’s new haircut onto his chest to Man him up a little.

(Side note:  Is it me, or does Victor pick up Lucas a lot?  Like his own private stuffed animal or something.)

Susan and Jessi went a few more rounds in between numbers.  This time Susan busted out her Spanish smack down, which made it feel more like you were watching a telenovela on Univision.

Or Dance Moms: Miami on vacation in a hotel in Spain.

Hannah had a little preemie meltdown before her number in the hallway when she forgot part of her routine.  Victor told her to improvise if she forgets.  Angel showed Hannah his Louis man purse and told her to accessorize.

Seriously.  Take that thing off.  Unless you’re a mailman delivering a package during Fashion Week, nobody needs to be rocking a cross body Vuitton Murse.

The Survivor group number only had one goober when Lucas’s jungle head piece flopped down onto his face.  But he kept on dancing like a trooper.  The show must go on even if you look like a shirtless jungle platypus.  Hakuna Matata.

I’m not really sure why all those other dance companies even made the trip to Orlando, because the team from Stars took all the good stuff and went home.

Hannah maintained enough short term memory to pull in 1st place.  So did Jessi.  So did the duet.  So did the group number.

Bam.  Read ‘em and weep, people.

Everyone was psyched.  Jessi and Susan even hugged it out.

Then Angel reached into his lovely purse, pulled out some duct tape and stuck it over Susan’s mouth as a symbolic representation of shut the f*** up or something.

By the time the show ended at that late hour, I didn’t even question why a grown man would be carrying a half used roll of duct tape in a designer handbag.

I’m more than happy to give you my thoughts on the matter, but that would just be disrespectful.