DanThat'sCool!

 

 

 

I got two words for you. Stupid. Hair. Yeah…I went there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mia? Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?

 

 

 

 

 

 

You do not want me to get all Miami Gotti on your a**, blondie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They said never cut your own bangs. But did I listen? No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You only get one chance to throw the cookie in his mouth. One chance.

 

 

 

 

Careful what you wish for.

It took 7 and a half episodes…but we finally got the kind of meltdown that would make even  Abby Lee Miller proud.

That’s right.  Dance Moms: Miami finally lived up to its namesake Birth Mother with a veritable meltdown potpourri of screaming, yelling, tantrums, slamming doors, crying children and the kind of telenovela drama usually reserved for recipients of a Daytime Emmy.

And it was over the top.  Season Finale over the top.  Fiercely over the top, in a Season Finale kind of way, bitches.

I think you get my point.

After basically boxing up and bringing home every trophy possible from their most recent competition, Team Stars was back home in their military line up to get this week’s work orders.  Even rockstar dancers need a splash of cold reality in their face to keep them grounded, so nothing ever starts without The List.

This time around all the Moms were present, which meant they were once again one chair short.

Seriously? Eight weeks later?  Can someone please get Angel a calculator when you pick up his Rosetta Stone DVDs?

I’ll cut Angel some slack and give him the benefit of the doubt this time.  It is possible that the studio was recently robbed, and the burglars only had time to lift one Mom chair and a tube of Victor’s FreezeItUp hair gel.

Did you see Ms. Smalley’s ‘do?  What was that all about?  All that finally sculpted Closer to Jesus hair had collapsed and was flopping all over the place.  Shameless, I tell you.

An insult to choreographers everywhere.

After dramatically brushing hair off his forehead like a dog that just won at Westminster, Victor got rite down 2 bidnezz.

Topless Lucas was at the top again.  He had taken 1st Place in his category and a stash of special awards last week,  so that got our little one legger prime seating on The List.

Lucas was psyched, and said it made him feel like “Hell on Wheels.”  It also made him rip his shirt off like a 65 pound Incredible Hulk and do that Club MTV shoulder swagger thing he always does.

Cutting back on carbs paid off for Hannah, and she found herself in the second spot.

As we’ve already discussed, the Boys are not big on math, so they made it clear that Hannah was in second place because…duh…she got 2nd at the competition.  That made it easy to figure out, and Angel didn’t risk getting his third ice cream headache of the day.

Sammy nailed her solo last time, and really improved on her artistry.  Victor flashed his Addam’s Family manicure and confirmed that she was indeed stunning last week.  But she had to be in the third hole because the first two were already filled and he had used that kind of foam tape that really sticks to the mirror.

So like any good girl, Sammy stopped at third base.

Slurpy Kimmy was next to the bottom in fourth place.  Luckily a couple of jiggly mess ups in the group number won’t adversely effect her Mensa score, so it will still all work out in the end.

But Kimmy and Mom Ani tend to put the O in OCD, so they immediately made plans to use this as a lesson in humility that they would both discuss in depth tomorrow at 4am while Kimmy downs her 3rd cup of Joe and completes the footnotes on her Molecular  Dynamics thesis.

I love Kimmy.

Speaking of hot coffee…Susan’s pot was just about to boil over when Jessi landed at the bottom again.  Jessi had touched the floor during her off balance extension, which is not cool.  You either cover up your wobble like a pro, or crack your head open and learn from your mistakes, missy.

Susan was destined to set off the building sprinklers today, you could just tell.  Someone was overheating her engine block, and it was only a matter of time.

Based on The List, Lucas and Kimmy were dueting again, while Sammy and Hannah were doing solos.

Jessi?  Well, thank for playing.  If you leave now you won’t miss the bus.  According to my finely honed psychic powers, this just ain’t gonna be her week.

But this is the week for Tulsa, Oklahoma…and the iHollywood Dance Competition.  Yippee I Ay, I guess.

When I saw it spelled like that, with the little “i” and the big “H” I got all excited thinking that Apple had their own dance competition where everyone wins iPads or iPhones or iPods, but no such luck.  Turned out it was just another normal competition with frames and trophies.  Wah.  Wah.

But this week there was a surprise! A surprise for all!  Drumroll, please.

In came Star’s 10 year old Elite Dancer Extraordinaire Mia Diaz!

Insert the patented Dance Moms HyperSpaz here: ________________!

The kids went completely Nutella and got their group hugs on while the Moms all ground their back teeth into chalk dust.

If you follow the activities of young children anywhere outside of the NBC Dateline Internet Chat Rooms, then you know that Mia is a big dealio in the dance world.  She brings with her years of experience, years of trophies and years of being a mini-celebrity in the competition industry.

She also brings with her a mother who I swear is Victoria Gotti from Celebrity Apprentice.  Or at the very least, her DNA cloned Miami replica.

Even if she’s not previously married to the mob, she will cut you.

It was clear the second that Susan unleashed her laser beam stare and Brigette swallowed her gum that there was no love in the room for Leo as she hustled in behind her daughter.  You would think she was an iHollywood handler making sure her SuperStar client got to speak with Ryan Seacrest on the Red Carpet they way she shoved Mia into the crowd.

It was that kind of entrance.

As all the Moms were herded into their cage, the kids got to rehearsing.  Leo sized each Mom up and down like she had an infrared x-ray spy scanner implanted in her skull while Ani teared up.

Since Kimmy and Ani are the only two people in the studio who can do math in their head, they had both already figured out that one of the kids was probably going to get cut now that Mia had arrived.

Ani left the room to commiserate with crazy Mayra, who was rocking some seriously new hair from the Jaclyn Smith Wig Collection.  And who says you can’t get a good curl with synthetics?

Leaving Stars Dance Studio for a few minutes, we got a chance to meet Brigette’s family for the first time and spy on her her home life, which was not pretty.

Lucas’s brothers, Lex and Logan, not only have two of the coolest comic book names evah but completely support their dancing sibling, as long as it doesn’t conflict with Dad’s football plans.  Brigette’s husband, or at least the top of his head that was buried in the Sports Section of some Miami rag, wasn’t really feeling the whole dance thing and it’s taking a toll on their marriage.

You could have turned off your television right here and been able to figure out how that is all going to work out in the end.  Sad.

As the competition grew closer, everyone was pretty much a hot mess in rehearsals.  Having Mia breathing down their necks was taking a toll on their focus, and Victor was not happy.

He was definitely happy that he had found his missing gel and gotten his hair mojo back, but the kids were another story.

To get the party started, he gave Mia a solo on the spot and sent Mayra into the cage to let Gotti know she needed to pay for the spot in competition.  Debi and Abby were not going to stand for that, and stormed out to have a meeting with whoever they could snag in the lobby.

I love when Moms storm out and take their purses with them.  After all these years of dance they still think that the other Moms are going to go through their stuff and steal chapstick or something.  I get great joy out of those moments for some reason.

To rub more salt in the wound, the duet was now a trio as Mia moved in on that turf as well.  Lucas loves his ladies, so he wasn’t too upset, but Kimmy gets some janky nerves when she’s put up against another dancer.  Victor made note of that fact that Kimmy has trouble with anything Fierce, and then spent the rest of the episode fully demonstrating his own skills.

Snap.  Pivot.  Work It.  Own It.  Learn from the Master, bitch.

Hannah’s solo rehearsals were about the only thing going well.  She managed to represent for the Big Girls again, and had amazing focus considering the uncomfortable manner in which Angel kept grabbing the front of his plaid Gap shorts.  Take it outside, dude.

The pressures of Dance 24/7 were starting to wear on the Moms as well.  Abby had taken to sleeping with one eye open since she had known Gotti for some time.  Debi had a tearful one on one with Hannah while Brigette finally cracked over her impending divorce to the Sports Section Guy.  Susan clinked and rattled to the point where you knew it would only be a matter of time before those pipes burst and everyone got scalded while Ani worried about…well…pretty much everything.  O to the C to the D.

Finally it was iShow time.

This competition must be a bigger deal than some of the others, because they had invested in an actual backdrop instead of rolling hotel tarp.  Keeping with the Hollywood theme, there was a gigantic Old Time movie projector graphic in the middle of the Dance Dance Xbox 360 artwork, but all I could think of was the Muppet Beaker and his beady bug eyes.  Rewind and check it out when they were giving out awards.  It was like Beaker had fallen into a vat of nuclear goo and gotten really, really big and now he was watching all of us over the MC’s shoulders.

The group number was all about Celebrity (…better known as Let’s All Dance Around Mia!…) and didn’t turn out so well.  Jessi fell out of her turn and Lucas had no shirt on again.

Blah.  Blah.  The dancing isn’t really important.  It’s the After Party where it got good.

Backstage, the whole Mia thing was out of control.  I missed who scooted all the kids out of the room, but luckily they were in the Safe Room when it all went down.  Brigette and Leo got all up in each other’s grill, chest to chest screaming about who is jealous of who.  (Whom?  I never get that right.)

When Gotti turned away with one of those Jersey Talk to the Hand flips, Brigette grabbed it like a dog grabbing a bone which snapped Angel into action.  Somehow he swooped down at her, almost knocking her to the ground like a crazy homeless woman.

In eight episodes, I can honestly say that was the fastest I have ever seen the guy move.  That knit poncho/cape button-up contraption he was wearing made Angel pretty aerodynamic.

Nobody lays a hand on nobody, though, and Victor kicked Brigette out of the room…and potentially out of Stars.

Just like any good DayCare, when one baby cries they all cry.  Susan started in on the Boys about favoritism and Mia and Leo being a bitch and the next thing you knew, she was kicked out of the room by Angel who momentarily morphed into some bats*** crazy gay Phantom of the Opera.  I don’t know how else to describe it.

Victor was picking them off like ducks at the State Fair.  Who’s Next?  Who’s Next?

There was so much fierce drama that I expected RuPaul to burst through the door and tell them all to just shut the f*** up and sashay away.

Susan walked a sobbing Jessi out of the building, vowing that she was done with Stars.

Brigette hugged a sobbing Lucas as he begged her to not tear him from his Stars family.  (Now is probably not the time to mention that you’re leaving Daddy.  Just saying.)

Everyone was clutching their pearls and fanning themselves like a hot July in Miami, child.

It was like the season finale of Dance Moms: Oprah.

You get to cry!  You get to cry!  You all get to cry!

No doubt about it.  Abby Lee Miller would be proud.

 

 

You choose. Right or Left. Cuz one of them is about to slap your face, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She is so lucky I don’t feel like getting my butt up off this comfy couch.

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t you worry, baby. I’m crazy enough for both of us. Trust me.

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe nobody told me this wasn’t Abby Lee Miller’s studio.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am just about to go all Miami Sound Machine Conga on her skinny a**.

 

 

 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Children of all ages.

Step right up and witness the amazing Dance Moms: Miami Twisted Circus.

Three rings of Crazy, all for your viewing pleasure.

You’ll see Moms melting down, the World’s skinniest elementary school Mime and more questionably age inappropriate eye liner and makeup than you thought possible in one hour.

And you thought clowns were scary?

That’s right.  The circus came to town this week and plopped its tent right in the middle of the Stars Dance Studio parking lot.  Fresh off their trophy hogging trip to whatever the last competition was called, Victor and Angel already had their sights set on the upcoming Starbound Dance Competition down the street and around the corner in sunny Ft. Myers.

The last time around the dance crew had a pretty good showing, but they didn’t scarf up every single plaque and trophy on the back table.  So for Starbound everyone needed to ramp up their game.  And nothing says We’re Here To Wipe The Floor With The Rest Of You like a spooky Tim Burton number.

But before Victor could get into all the deets he had to bang out The List, because even if the studio springs a natural gas leak, nobody leaves until The List is revealed.

First on The List should have been an explanation as to why we are now in week #6 and they STILL can not find enough chairs for all the Moms to sit in during the big reveal.

Seriously.

If this is how it’s going to be, then I vote for just getting rid of all the chairs.  Lose ‘em.

Toss them in the dumpster or put them in storage for the Bob Fosse retrospective.  Make all the Moms stand up like that mean Abby Lee Miller does on her show.  It’s not like they aren’t all going to spend the rest of their studio time sitting down anyway.  After The List is done, the only time any of them get off their butts is to storm out the door in a DivaMom fit.  Am I wrong?

So get rid of them.  Thank you.

Lucas took the top spot on The List, thanks to last week’s high scoring duet with Mensa Girl Kimmy.  The little dude managed to channel his inner Luther and got down wid it in the romantic pairing which almost resulted in another notch on his tree house, if you know what I  mean.  He unleashed some serious Playah for a 9 year old.  He just cracks me up.

Since there is no such thing as a tie on The List, Kimmy was knocked to second place because she still needed to work on “letting go” and just being “in the dance.”  What she is missing in front teeth, Kimmy totally makes up for in technique and Spelling Bee awards.  But she still needs to just chill and enjoy The Dance.

Hovering helicopter Mom Ani immediately got a little on edge when  she heard that Victor wanted Kimmy to let go, because she likes her baby exactly the way she is right now.  If there was a way to stunt Kimmy’s growth that didn’t involve unfiltered cigarettes or reverse steroid shots, I’m almost certain that Ani would freeze-frame Kimmy at 9 years old and keep her in that pink bedroom forever.

After working this hard to formulate the perfect school girl specimen, the last thing Ani needs is to have Kimmy start letting go and risk  her finding out that most kids her age are still asleep at 4am.

Jessi was hanging out in the third spot.  Again, I thought it was because she insists on wearing those micro spandex tops every week, but turned out it was because she got beat in scores by the two 9 year olds.  Not cool, and Victor don’t play dat.

Sammy was in the fourth spot, mainly because I think they needed to make sure the last spot was left wide open for Hannah.

Poor Hannah.  She’s probably one of the most level headed people at that studio, and smart way beyond her years.  But she is saddled with her Mom Debi, who pops off anytime she thinks that someone is making a Fat joke.

I swear if one of the other Moms sunk underwater at the beach and didn’t resurface, Debi would assume the “blub blub blub” was a slam against her chubby kid and let the woman drown.  Especially if it was Abby.

But Hannah keeps plugging away each week, working hard at raising the level of her dancing and lowering the percentage of her carbs like a trooper.

Lucas and Kimmy each scored another solo thanks to their rankings on The List, which left Jessi, Sammy and Hannah in a trio.

Wait for it.  Wait for it…

BOOM!  The Susan Bomb goes off right on schedule.  I think it was actually the exact same time that it went off last week.  Pinpoint accuracy.

Coming dangerously close to blurting out that the fat kid and the slacker kid are going to bring her daughter Jessi down in the trio performance, Susan stormed out, leaving a jet stream trail of crazy smoke behind her as the door slammed shut.

After that overly dramatic performance, the boys laid down the law.  The next time roller coaster Susan walks out, Jessi needs to follow her and the two of them are more than welcome to enjoy the rest of their lives at a studio whose policies on maternal hissy fits are a little more lenient than those at Stars.

The Mom Room was buzzing about all the trio drama from the second they all hit the couch.  Debi and Brigette went another round or two in the never ending Lucas vs. Everybody Battle, and Abby got some serious eye rolling in right as Susan came back inside.  Debi got fed up and scooted to the lobby to read Cosmo with Mayra, while Susan got back up and pulled Jessi aside to unleash some more crazy on her daughter.

The group number was the aforementioned Twisted Circus, a dark music video kind of dance with black balloons that Jessi got to pop in such a suppressed and angry manner that I thought Susan’s face may have been doodled on the latex.

To get them all in the circus mood, Victor and Angel took the kids to Circus School, where they learned to jump and flip and twist themselves into human pretzels.

Jessi unleashed a little more of that suppressed anger by twisting herself around the Cirque du Soleil ceiling scarf as though it was her mother’s neck, while Lucas proved to everyone that he was indeed born with no spine.

Victor took center stage and tangled himself up in the hanging ring like he was a fierce diva parrot on a cage swing.  He said he was bringing circus realness, whatever that means, since every circus performance I’ve ever witnessed was solely based on the total opposite of realness.

Back at the studio, Angel was helping Kimmy with her solo.  I guess.

Since Angel is…umm…no longer in his dancing prime…shall we say, he seems to leave the actual dancing to Victor.  Instead, Angel chooses to wear snug shirts, scarves and little hats while giving each dance move a sound effect to distract us from the fact that he isn’t really dancing at all.

Boom! Pah! Pow! Whoo! Hah! Kpow!

Check it out.  It’s like the old 1960′s Batman TV show but with tighter outfits.

The trio number was based on women who hate each other.  If that sounded familiar, all you had to do was look through the glass into the Mom Room where they were all pointing and scratching each other’s eyes out while the girls were trying to rehearse.

Apparently the Moms have still not realized that the gigantic window is not a two way police mirror, and that the room is not sound proofed.

By the time Susan had blown Nutty #425 for the week, Hannah could hear everything through the glass and started to cry.  Victor scooped up the boom box and pushed all the kids outside to rehearse on hard concrete, while Angel Boom Pah Powed his way into the Mom Room to lay some smack down.  Much like his shirt, it just wasn’t pretty.

As the rehearsals dragged on, Abby was getting concerned that Sammy needed to get home and study for a test the next morning.  Say wha–?!

Yes.  That means the kids actually do go to school at some point during the day.  I would have totally lost that bet, since I’ve never seen one backpack or Trapper Keeper anywhere in that studio.

But turned out that Sammy isn’t a big fan of Kimmy’s sunrise homework rituals, so Abby wanted to go home.  When Angel got wind of such utter nonsense, he threw yet another Angel Spaz and sent everyone home to prove a point.

Since I’m not a dancer outside of los discotecas, I was a little surprised that none of the other Moms stood up for Abby.  Instead, they all slammed her for putting the entire competition in jeopardy and potentially sabotaging the trio.  The Dance comes first it seems, and they all stay in Dance Prison until it is perfection.  If that means the book report is late, so be it.

Did anyone ever ask Baryshnikov what he thought about the character and plot development in the second chapter of Catcher in the Rye?

No.  I didn’t think so.

Despite all the drama, everyone made it to Starbound in one piece.  Victor made his entrance in yet another tiny hat, Angel brought out yet another ManPurse delicately cradled in the nook of his arm, and Lucas rocked his signature Kanye West shades.

Seeing the Stars Grand Arrival is more fun than the competition itself.  There needs to be some kind of trophy for the pre-show, too.

Lucas did his solo with no shirt on again.  Beyond the fact that it’s a little creepy to be envious of a 9 year old’s six pack abs, the whole shirtless thing is played out.  You know that everyone in the auditorium is going to pick him up off the floor in a big bear hug at some point in the evening, so I would prefer his bare skin not be pressed up against every grown up in the joint.  I’m all set with that, thanks.

Kimmy had some timing issues with her solo, but she’s going to graduate with a 4.0 and someday own Microsoft, so who really cares.

Susan and Jessi went another couple of laps around the Crazy Track before the trio performance, which put additional pressure on the kids.

It should be noted that Jessi’s makeup barely budged when Mom made her cry like a baby.  She bawled, but that stuff didn’t move.

Memo to the FAA:  Whatever eyeliner it is that Miss Thing uses should be used to mark and track every black box on every plane that ever flies over a body of water.

In-de-structible.

The Twisted Circus number was twisted, and award winning.  Lucas was a Mime, and he actually made it into half a shirt.  Baby steps, I guess.

Sammy kinda sorta dropped Kimmy during a flip, but nobody could determine who was responsible.

The original blame fell on Kimmy, according to Sammy.  But then Lucas whispered that it wasn’t Kimmy’s fault.  And then there was so much backstage screaming and yelling that I lost track.

Abby stood up for Sammy, declaring her innocence, while everyone else blamed Sammy and pointed fingers like villagers storming Frankenstein’s Castle.

Then more screaming and crying as Abby stormed out the door.  There was a lot of that this week.

I’m not sure if anyone even asked if Kimmy’s head was ok.

It was a total circus, I tell you.

 

 

Seriously? The Nerd got the love letter? That is messed up.

 

 

 

 

 

Korroga…Krogography…     No, wait. Really.     This time I got it. Korahgraffi.

 

 

 

 

It says your butt’s too big and that top is still too small.

 

 

 

 

 

I did NOT put on my Big Boy Bib to be disrespected by a crazy Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

Screw artistry. That dance needs more technique. And more eyeliner.

 

 

 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Find out what it means to me.

And when you figure it out, can you please explain it to a few Moms I know before I send Aretha down to Miami and have her start bitch slapping somebody?

Please?

This week it was all about Respect and Survival on Dance Moms: Miami.

You need those skills out there in the real world, or the jungle…or that grey area in between known as the Dance Moms world.

It’s eat.  Or be eaten.  Just don’t eat a lot, because the scale doesn’t lie.

Back from their great showing at the Energy Dance Competition, Victor and Angel were already chomping at the bit for their next chance to grab some trophies for the case.  This time the gang was headed to Access Broadway in Orlando and there was a lot of work to get done.  If their team was going to make it to Regionals, or Nationals or whatever it is Dancers and Gleeks always go to, they would need to step up their game.

After The List, of course.

Even if the building catches on fire, nobody leaves until we finish The List.  Is that understood?

As the little dance troupe stacked up in their army line and the Moms lurked in the back of the room, Victor got the presentation started.  This week he—

Hold up.  Before we go any further.

Seriously?  Five weeks into this mess and nobody can find a 5th chair for the Moms?

One Mom is still left standing in the back while the other four take a load off?  You mean to tell me that huge studio doesn’t have one stray chair laying around somewhere?

How about they dump Mayra off her cushy front desk/receptionist chair?  Until we really get an explanation of what it is she does all day, she can read magazines on the floor.

Anyway.

Top of the hit parade was Jessi.  Kudos to her.  The same powerful, greedy paws that only a few weeks ago had ripped an award right out of another dancer’s hands have now helped her claw her way back up to the top.

I’ll give her one thumb up.  She has been working on her attitude.  Sporadically.

I still think she has the potential to cut someone if they cross her, and I’m not really sure if it’s the heavy eyeliner or allergies that make her squint.  But when she’s not mouthing off, the girl can dance.

The number 2 slot was all Kimmy.  Last week she managed to remember choreography, do a great dance and get all her advanced BioChem homework done before the Today show came on…so you go, girl.

Third was LadyKiller Lucas and his new haircut.  The L Man got a trim.  Keeping it tight and right.

Lucas had a few problems in his dancing last week and had to hang in the middle this round.  No biggie.  He’s still dope.

Fourth place, better known as second to the bottom, was Hannah.  Victor actually wanted her at the bottom, because she was too chicken s*** to fall backwards into Sammy’s arms during the Death Drop trust game.

Last week’s whole skinny girl/not so skinny girl duet thing was still a touchy subject and immediately got the eyeballs rolling around Mom Debi’s head like pinball marbles.

Last place was Sammy, because they ran out of room.

Before rehearsals could begin, Angel and Victor needed to address some issues.

Mainly, the Mom’s lack of respect.  Angel’s big gripe the last few weeks has been that the Moms are questioning their choreo…korograph…krrooga..

Choreography.  It’s called Choreography.

Seriously, dude.  Hooked on Phonics.  Sound.  It.  Out.

The boys are in charge.  The Moms are just their to carpool and swipe their credit cards.

End of story.

Since she didn’t hurt anyone or get arrested, Jessi got a solo.  An artistic kind of So You Think You Can Dance kind of solo.  Victor was definitely going back to his roots.  I almost called in to vote when she finally performed the number.

Hannah got a solo as well, which had Debi positively giddy when she wasn’t bitching out Abby for everything from the duet to the duet and then the duet.

Kimmy and Lucas were paired up in a romantic duet.  Or as romantic as 9 year olds can get, I guess.

Kimmy got a little skeeved out by the whole Boy Germ thing, while Lucas finally realized that having all that Game might actually net him a chick some day.

The group number was a Survival theme, which came complete with jungle drums during Victor’s unveiling.  It was like you were watching Dance Moms, but the audio track was from Survivor.  I was waiting for Brigette to pull out her lighter and get the tiki torches blazing.

My psychic powers told me that Lucas wouldn’t be wearing a shirt for that number.

Again.

As the kids got their Lion King on, the Moms chewed on each other like hyenas.  Abby and Debi continued their bickering which was basically a continuation of last week.  I should probably just cut & paste last week’s blog post into this paragraph, but I still haven’t figure out how to do that yet.  But you can imagine the conversation.

Seems the dealio at the studio is that everyone should come with about 27 more outfits than they actually need, in case a number gets cut or changed or Jessi cracks somebody in the head.  Apparently everyone knew that rule except newbie Abby, so Angel had sent her a text which she took to mean that last week’s half skinny/half not so skinny duet might not happen.

You know how that played out with Debi.

Abby flashed the text and here we go again.  Don’t show your texts to other people, whether they’re drunk texts or naked texts or dance texts.  Der.

Since Kimmy hadn’t had any real relationships yet, and Lucas didn’t know where his uncle kept the box of Playboys, the romance part of their dance wasn’t happening.  Their homework was to write each other love letters, put on a little Luther and get their groove on.

Naturally, Kimmy’s homework came complete with a bubble gum scented paper, a stamp, glitter stickers and a Trapper Keeper.  Lucas’s looked like he was mailing his Macy’s payment.

But it was cute.  Mom Ani had obsessively/compulsively helped Kimmy, so her love note was a little more on the Desperate Housewives “I love the way you take control” side of the spectrum, while Lucas said he would pick her up if he dropped her.

Chicks.  Go figure.

Then the whole thing suddenly morphed into an ABC AfterSchool Special on body image and eating disorders when Mayra put down her OK Magazine and came into the studio with a scale to weigh all the kids.

Yeah.  Like cattle at an auction.

I guess they do this in the dancers world a lot.  At least that’s what Angel said.

Apparently they don’t do it in the choreographers world, though, if you know what I mean.  But that’s what big scarves are for, right?

Oh snap.  I went there.

But they do it in the dancers world, I guess.  Abby was not a big fan at all and yanked Sammy out kicking and crying to the car like any good dramatic Dance Mom would do.

I’m Team Abby on this one.  At that age, unless the cafeteria is going to stop serving fish sticks and whoopie pies, I wouldn’t be weighing kids in front of each other.  Plus I don’t think Lucas could even make the needle move unless he put his big sunglasses back on.

In between all the rehearsing, Susan and Jessi managed to get plenty of disrespectful Mother/Daughter face time in as they argued about all the usual stuff.

Finally it was showtime.

Access Broadway was held in some hotel ballroom better suited for a Glitz pageant, where they just laid down a temporary wedding reception floor and hung a bazillion blinking starlights from those black fabric rolling backdrops they use to cover crap that nobody wants you to see.

Again…well documented.  I’m not a dancer, though in my head I am a dance authority.  I just thought the layout was odd.  You tripped on the carpet.  The edge of the dance floor was raised up just enough that you could trip on that as well if you were 5 open bar drinks into the reception.  It was eye level to the ballroom chairs.  Like floor seats at a concert that couldn’t afford a stage.

I was waiting for a baby to crawl across during a performance, or someone to drop their soda and watch the can roll under some ballet pose.  But it was incident free from my vantage point on my couch.

For all of Jessi’s issues, she nailed her solo.  It was simple and yet intense like any good cheese, or dance, should be.

The duet was cute.  Lucas actually came the closest to wearing a shirt that I’ve seen so far this season.  Yes, it was unbuttoned.  But at least it was a shirt.  On his body.  I’m surprised Victor didn’t just spray glue the clippings from Lucas’s new haircut onto his chest to Man him up a little.

(Side note:  Is it me, or does Victor pick up Lucas a lot?  Like his own private stuffed animal or something.)

Susan and Jessi went a few more rounds in between numbers.  This time Susan busted out her Spanish smack down, which made it feel more like you were watching a telenovela on Univision.

Or Dance Moms: Miami on vacation in a hotel in Spain.

Hannah had a little preemie meltdown before her number in the hallway when she forgot part of her routine.  Victor told her to improvise if she forgets.  Angel showed Hannah his Louis man purse and told her to accessorize.

Seriously.  Take that thing off.  Unless you’re a mailman delivering a package during Fashion Week, nobody needs to be rocking a cross body Vuitton Murse.

The Survivor group number only had one goober when Lucas’s jungle head piece flopped down onto his face.  But he kept on dancing like a trooper.  The show must go on even if you look like a shirtless jungle platypus.  Hakuna Matata.

I’m not really sure why all those other dance companies even made the trip to Orlando, because the team from Stars took all the good stuff and went home.

Hannah maintained enough short term memory to pull in 1st place.  So did Jessi.  So did the duet.  So did the group number.

Bam.  Read ‘em and weep, people.

Everyone was psyched.  Jessi and Susan even hugged it out.

Then Angel reached into his lovely purse, pulled out some duct tape and stuck it over Susan’s mouth as a symbolic representation of shut the f*** up or something.

By the time the show ended at that late hour, I didn’t even question why a grown man would be carrying a half used roll of duct tape in a designer handbag.

I’m more than happy to give you my thoughts on the matter, but that would just be disrespectful.