Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Nationals’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017




I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.






This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.







Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.






So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?






A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.







FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.






We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.




Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.


And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.


Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?


What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.


You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.


Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.


And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:


Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.


And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?


And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.


tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.


The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!


Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”


And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!


Starring Jill!

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.


Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…


There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.


Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…


Dance Moms: The Most Outrageous Moments. Breakdowns, Showdowns & Throw downs. Talk To The Jazz Hand.

Thursday, October 13th, 2011


You want crazy? Check this out.





Girl, I am about to pop off on someone.






Why are they still talking? Seriously.





We don’t care if Maddie wins.  As long as she doesn’t lose.





When I saw the preview that Dance Moms was splattering back onto my TV screen one last time with their Most Outrageous Moments clip special, my first thought was “Do I have enough snacks to sit through a 12 hour show?” because every second of every episode this season pretty much fell into the Outrageous category.

It wasn’t until after I ran to Costco and got a case of Cheetos that I realized the special was only one hour long.  I was disappointed.  And then I was embarrassed that I was disappointed.  And then I was disappointed that I knew enough about the show to even be embarrassed about being disappointed.  The Circle of Life.

How did they suck me in?  When did they suck me in?  I don’t even remember.  What kind of secret power does Abby Lee Miller possess that can keep my TV on for an hour even when I try to shut it off?  I swear I tried to shut it off.  I did.

Somehow her gravely second hand smoker screech and that over done metallic eye shadow wins every time.  And I did have all those Cheetos, so…it’s gonna be a long one.

Props to the Lifetime editing staff for having the stamina to sit through all 12 episodes again as well as for having the patience to narrow down that Whackapalooza into 15 little segments.  You know those poor guys took at least a week off after finishing this show.  Forced medical leave or not, they probably ran screaming from the studio and didn’t stop until they hit the ocean.

Those Moms are crazy I tell you.  They love their kids, no argument there.  But as well as being the Poster Women for the Evolution of the Kate Gosselin doo, they are Krazy with a K.

Tell me I’m not right. Line them up side by side, and you have a pretty accurate timeline of Kate’s bad hair choices.

Cathy..the original skunk.  Hair dressers will do anything for a big tip.

Kelly…growing the skunk out.  Can’t do a thing with it.

Melissa…skunk is gone and getting longer, but still not bleached and full of Dancing With The Stars extensions.

Christi…bleached and ready to dance like a zombie on ABC.

Holly…well, she doesn’t get to play, but she has a doctorate.  So there.

But anyway…

Plopped in front of the monitor and reading the cue cards like a news anchor on sedatives, Abby leads us through the Top 15.

15. Christi meltdown Number One.  Crazy Christi decided to go to the hotel bar and knock back a few instead of working on Chloe’s headband for the dance number.  I know, right?  In the dance world that’s the equivalent of sending your race car out on the track with only three tires.

Instead of sewing that bad boy right into her daughter’s scalp, Christ chose to hang with the Electrolux salesman who were chilling out after the first day of the Ramada trade show, or something like that. Naturally, when the show finally went on, Chloe’s headband slipped down over her Cabbage Patch doll close together eyeballs, and she had to finish the number looking like she was wearing a fleece visor with floral appliqué.

Abby blows a nutty.  Christi blows a bigger one.  “I pay your bills!” screams Christi.  Abby must have a really cheap home cable connection if Chloe’s $250 dance tab covers the bill.

14.  Kelly gets a fierce choreographer.  Work it, boy.  While on their never ending road trip to Nationals, the gang makes a pit stop in LA.  Kelly throws another tantrum because little chiclet toothed Maddie gets all the special attention and all the private choreography time, while Kelly’s kids get the table scraps.  Through the magic of Craig’s List she finds a fierce piece of BoyMeat who claims to choreograph for Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert.  Keeping in mind that Adam Lambert makes out with everyone on his tour bus, you know how this one ends up.

Her daughter can’t quite handle all that BoyMeat and his sassy sideways head bop, and melts down a little.  Then Kelly follows suit when Abby won’t let her kids be in the group numbers.  While they are prepping all the kids in hair and makeup, the two of them throw down a little.  Poor little Mackenzie in her snake costume onesie might want to watch out behind her head as Abby screams and flails her arms around, all while holding a mighty sharp pair of scissors.

Child Services, line 2.

13.  Botox and a big nose.  Since the evil Chaos Cathy is the fashionista in the group, she talks all the Moms into proving to their daughters once again that looks are all that really matter in life, and organizes a Moms Day at the Botox and Filler Spa.  She swears by the stuff.  Kelly is turning 40…a hard 40…and between the Kate doo, the stress of being a NutWad and bad lighting, she really needs a poke.

They all go in for a tune up and face tightening at the shop, but Cathy is quick to point out that Christi’s big nose ain’t going away.  Since her forehead couldn’t move, I’m not sure if she got mad or not.

12.  Cathy, Mom Jeans and Mom Dancing.   Besides being a fashionista with skunk hair and no eyebrow movement, Cathy also owns her own dance studio, and is picked to choreograph the Mom Dance for a production.  Her Candy Apple’s Dance Center, which is basically the hidden Evil Dance Lair base of operations for her never ending plot to overthrow Abby, has given her years of experience in choreographing little kids to play mice in the Nutcracker.

Moms, not so much.

Cathy puts together a Jazzercise warm-up for the Moms, and then busts out her own freestyle jam on the night of the performance.  All the other Moms ending up standing at the back of the stage like they were in line at Target while Cathy tried desperately to prove that her dancing years are not over.  Picture your least favorite uncle drunk at a wedding.  There you have it.

11.  Nia Gets Her Groove On.  Let me go on record as saying I love me some Nia.  She is a hoot.  She is the little Beyonce wannabe who is all braces and OhNoSheDin’t head snaps.  Abby apparently wants her to be the lead in the next Al Jolsen Revival, and Mom Holly is none to pleased.  Every number that Nia is asked to do either involves an afro wig or hakuna matata jungle vine swinging, and Mom doesn’t play the token card.  She and Abby go at it as she tries to prove that Lincoln actually freed the slaves, thank you.

The only sign that Holly wants hung around her daughter’s neck is the one that says “My Mom has a Doctorate, bitches.”

10.  Prostitots.  I got all excited thinking that someone came up with a cool new brand of microwave Tater Tots, until I realized that Abby was hooching up her girls again in more age inappropriate attire and some of the Moms were not ok with it.  Kelly will do anything to get her daughters noticed, so she was fine with a pint size bra top and high garter stockings.  Holly, who has a doctorate by the way, hated the outfits.  Keeping in mind that they were in Pennsylvania Amish country, the hoochie factor would definitely have knocked a farmer off his horse carriage.

9.  Mediocre and Proud of it!  During yet another Kelly nuclear meltdown, she and Abby go at it again…and again…over Abby’s claim that Kelly’s kids are slow.  Wicked slow.  And border line stupid.

In an odd bit of parental support Kelly proclaims to the world and all the Lifetime Facebook people that, why yes..gosh darn it…my kids ARE mediocre and that’s ok.  They aren’t going to amount to anything and I’m happy with that, and so are they.

The freakiest part of the whole argument was when Kelly screamed that the kids spend 8 hours a day dancing, and 8 hours a day in school.

Screech.  Hold that thought.

School? Prove it, because I didn’t see one school book in any of those faux leopard trolley cases.  Just saying.

8.  Cathy ain’t going nowhere.  I’m starting to think this should be the Kelly Show.  Naturally, Kelly’s kids are again on the losing end.  Brooke, who somehow magically goes from 8 to 18 years old and then back again in every episode, gets some ratty a** polka dotted glued together costume mess that even Cirque du Soliel wouldn’t be caught dead in.  Abby suggests that she wear the top from Cathy’s daughter Vivi-Anne’s outfit, since that poor little niblet doesn’t stand a chance of ever making it in the dance world.

Cathy says fine, and then at the last minute says no, and wants it back, which sends Kelly into orbit.  It quickly turns into a contest to see which Mom can humiliate their kid fastest, and a good chance to point out that Kelly’s kids have gnarly feet.  Brooke is never gonna get a man at this rate.

Before Kelly can shove Cathy into the sheetrock, Cathy proclaims that she is here to stay.  So Like It!

7.  Paige forgets her choreography.  Uh oh.  Maybe those kids are mediocre.  Yikes.

6.  Cathy ain’t going.  Make up your mind, woman.  Ok.  So she is here to stay.  But now she is going.  Or not going, actually.

When Abby pulls another last minute addition to the seemingly endless bus ride and announces they are all going to Las Vegas, Cathy bails.  Another screaming match about how everyone is replaceable…even dance teachers.  Oh.  She went there.

Of course, little did we know at the time that Cathy was going back to the Evil Dance Lair to plot revenge against Abby.  Don’t touch that dial.

5.  Laqueefa WHAT?!  Straight (no pun intended…) off the RuPaul Drag Race comes Diva Shangela to show the girls how to do the Death Drop.  The girls wet themselves while the Moms clutched their pearls.  The entire hour was worth sitting through just to see little Nia go completely hyper spaz when Shangela collapsed into the Death Drop.   Did I already mention I love me some Nia?

4.  Jealous of an 8 year old.  Christi and Abby in the hotel room having another fit.  And yes, they are all jealous of their kids.  Don’t even try to squirm out of that argument, girls.

3.  The return of Chaos Cathy.  She’s baaaaaaack.  Cathy shows up at the competition bearing her checkered basket of chopsticks (the better to poke your eyes out with…) and tries to take down Abby and her team.  She calls Abby’s choreography tired.  That didn’t go over so well.

2.  Jesus save my soul, and my studio.  Crazy Minister Dawn sends her daughter to acrobatic class with socks on.  Shut the front door.

Abby kicks her out, then Dawn blows that same front door wide open and…well, let’s just say I don’t ever remember having to call the local Mall Cops on my home town minister.  I can officially testify to the Lord that she is CrazyCakes.

1.  Christi…again.  And Abby finishes us off with one final breakdown, showdown, throw down trifecta.

Maddie, of course, gets two solos at the competition so she hauls in all the trophies.  Christi goes completely off her meds, and off her rocker and terrorizes the entire auditorium looking for Abby.  It was the complete unrated directors cut box set version of Moms Gone Wild.

Screaming and yelling to the point where I’m pretty sure I even saw the valet guy out front get into it with them.  One by one all the girls started crying as the Moms got into the Ring.

Have you ever been on a plane that is landing, and the change in cabin pressure makes all the babies’ ears pop and they all start crying at the same time?

Totally like that.

Classic moment when Melissa scoops up all Maddie’s trophies and makes a run for it, leaving half her kids behind.  Remind me not to be at her house when it catches on fire.

And then, just like that, it was over.  For the whole season.

I think my ears just popped.



Bitch stole my look.

Dance Moms: It All Ends Here. Except For The Drama & Bad Parenting Skills & Poor Role Models & The Crazy Eyes.

Thursday, September 29th, 2011




You say mediocre like it’s a bad thing.






It is.  Google it.







Who you calling Googley eyes?






Otherwise, yeah…It All Ends Here.

At least that’s what my TV Guide said when it listed the title of this week’s Dance Moms, but after sitting through another jazz handed hour of Abby Lee Miller’s pearlized eye shadow and smoke ’em if you got ’em demoralizing screams I think it was either a typo or they just couldn’t muster up the nerve to watch the episode before the issue went to print.

Nothing ended.  Unless they were talking about that National Starbound Competition thing, but I didn’t think anyone actually watched the show for the dancing part.  My bad.

After a discouraging showing in Hollywood for Regionals or Almost Nationals or whatever it was called last time…(Can someone explain to a novice how they keep track of these things? The whole season has been the Show Before The Show Performance…) Abby’s Greyhound Bus Tour Company pulled up to Lake Tahoe, full of  sleepy headed girls and Gosselin headed women.

Well, actually only one now, because Chaos Cathy and her Candy Apple Sticks all slunk home to the Evil Dance Studio in Ohio to lick their wounds and plot the next chapter in their nefarious revenge vendetta against Abby, which left Kelly the only one representing the outdated Kate Cut.  With all the time spent on that bus she couldn’t flip through a hair cut magazine?  For real?

Everything is bigger and brighter at Nationals including, apparently, the spotlight that the cameras used during the one on one confessional shots.  Seriously, I can’t be the only one who noticed that.  My eyes were burning as those lights ricocheted off Abby’s Bare Minerals eyelids.  Flattering isn’t the first word that came to mind.

Memo to the Lifetime camera crew:  Make sure you return that ginormous beam of light to Gotham City when you’re done with it…Batman needs it back on the rooftop.  Holy Blind Spot.

So they make it to Lake Tahoe in one piece and stumble into the rehearsal studio to sit through another Pretty Pyramid reveal.  Even Abby seemed tired of rating the little pipsqueaks by how poorly they dance and how average they are, so she whipped through the unveiling in record time.  I thought someone in the front row was going to get a paper cut the way she snatched that construction paper off the mirror.

Let me guess.  Little Maddie with the chiclet smile is on top.  She is a patootie, and showed that she is a real trooper last time when she didn’t win (I know, right?) and was happy that someone else got the trophy.  Too bad her mom is a hot mess.

After not going to the Hollywood competition so she could slip away and knock boots with her boyfriend, Melissa decided to show up in Tahoe.  The other Moms have already made it clear how they feel about Melissa not being there to support her daughters, and continue to subtly infer that by doing the nasty she is guaranteeing her boyfriend will foot the bill for another semester at Abby’s studio.  Point shoes ain’t cheap.

Everyone is dancing at Nationals, even the unpretty ones at the bottom of the pyramid.  Maddie gets another solo. Brooke and Paige get to do a Sister Act duet providing Mom Kelly doesn’t flip out again, and little Chloe gets to duet with pint sized diva Maddie.

Chloe is another cutie, but is always in Maddie’s toothy shadow and wakes up a little more insecure every morning.  She has a quirky little sideways mouth, and because she has kind of close together Cabbage Patch doll eyes, she always looks like she is halfway through losing one false eyelash.  But we love her, and her Mom Christi don’t take no crap from nobody no way no sir, and always comes to her defense since Abby would step on any of the girls to get to Maddie.  Chloe starts to think that maybe she needs a break from dancing, and that kind of comes back to haunt her during one performance later on when she forgets where she is and kind of chills out on stage for a minute before she gets her groove back.

To start the 5 days in Tahoe out on the right foot, Abby herds all the Moms into a Survivor Circle of Doom and calls out each kid for their weaknesses and inability to remember any dance moves.  I wasn’t really as put off by Abby’s rants and humiliation tactics as much as I was by the fact that they were out there for 5 days.

I mean, really.  Tell me the most lucrative job out there isn’t the neighborhood kid who gets paid to feed the cats while these Moms are galavanting around the country.  When was the last time they were home?  Or, I don’t know..worked, maybe?  Tell me that kid isn’t making some serious bank.  There is either one gigantic bowl full of dry Friskies in the middle of the kitchen floor, or that kid has half his tuition saved up already.  Sign me up.

During the Circle of Doom Kelly has yet another melt down over her kids not getting the attention that Maddie receives at the studio.  Abby counter punches with some smack about Kelly’s kids being slow and mediocre.  Kelly is proud they are mediocre.  I mean, why have any lofty goals for your kids?  That just puts undo pressure on them throughout their lives.  Just let them settle for ok…the Mall is always hiring.

Of course it gets heated, and Kelly’s eyes get as wild as her hair, and the whole thing turns into another string of (bleep) this and (bleep) that as Kelly demonstrates more stellar role modeling.  At least this time she managed to flip out when the kids weren’t in the room.  Mom’s whacky eye gene must have skipped a generation, because Brooke and Paige didn’t inherit the look, and instead have their Dad’s vacant, soul sucked out of me, lifeless blank eyes.  Or maybe it’s the fact that they have to listen to their Mom go off like a trailer park bottle rocket everyday.  They need a hug.

Abby shuttles all the girls off to the lake under the pretense of chilling out, but turns it into a stretching workshop and she somehow manages to turn a perfect sunny day into yet another dance rehearsal, but this time with fresh air for a change.

Instead of learning math or spelling, after another rehearsal the Moms take all the kids bowling.  Two days in Tahoe must have been enough for Melissa, because she announces that she is dumping her kids with Abby & Co and heading off to Florida with her boyfriend.  Again.

Damn, girl.  Getting some more boy action…leaving your kids alone again?  Amazing stamina and no parenting skills.  Inspirational.

Before she takes off she might want to make sure she unplugs her GPS, because somehow her ex-husband just tracked her down in this random Lake Tahoe bowling alley.  No lie.  In walks the first whiff of testosterone this show has seen all season.  The Ex.  Kurt.  All macho and not at all happy Melissa is leaving the kids with no parents.  For some reason he makes Maddie nervous and it gets a little awkward when he gives the kind of hug that a person gives when they don’t know how to hug.  He announces that he is parking his Ford Bronco outside and is not leaving until the competition is over.

In an effort to get more rehearsing done, and to make sure that Kelly blows another nutty, Abby pulls in some random Guest Choreographer to work with Brooke and Paige, while Maddie gets full on attention from Abby and her #1 choreographer.  The poor Guest Choreographer didn’t even have a name.  Just Guest Choreographer.  GC on his baseball hat I bet, but he was only on screen for 4 seconds so I couldn’t tell for sure.  Right on cue, Kelly melted down and unleashed more trash talk while Abby sat on the other side of the wall.  Always a class act, Abby tossed it right back, but in a louder decibel.

They both continued screaming at each other through the wall, like old men yelling out second floor windows in some Italian North End neighborhood.  Apparently neither of them happened to notice that the kids they were screaming about were actually in the room.  The lights dimmed another watt in every girls’ eyes as the Abby Soul Sucking machine did its job.

Nia’s Mom Holly managed to walk in front of the camera once or twice to get some face time.  Hope she gets paid by the episode and not the line, because that was the extent of her participation this week.

When we finally get to the competition, Kelly still can’t let it go.  The other girls get fancy custom made costumes.  Her kids get Mall clothes.  While she was at The Galleria I hope she picked up some Visine and a comb.  Just saying.

Kurt tries to infiltrate the Inner Circle during hair & makeup but is shooed away by Abby.  No Boys Allowed.  That, and the fact that she claims he makes Maddie nervous and he’s a lug nut and blah to the blah.  He’s not as wired as the Moms, but could still hold his own with Abby.  He blames Dance for ruining his marriage.  Abby blames him for being a doof.  She made Maddie famous.  She did that.  He wants to yank  Maddie out of the Abby Lee Compound next year.  It went on and on.

Then there was actual dancing.

Abby’s girls won the Big Dawg title.  They redeemed themselves.  Everyone was happy for about 38 seconds before Abby has something to say.

Taking a cue from Steve Jobs and his “One More Thing” Apple Event finales, Abby claws her way out of the group hug to announce that they are all back tracking to Hollywood for something special.

Again?  TV Guide said it all ends here.  Seriously?

That kid who feeds the cat just bought a Mercedes.

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