Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Nationals’

Dance Moms Mama Drama: Oh No She Din’t! Abby Lee Miller Just Quit! Here’s The Scoop…And Some Made Up Stuff.

Friday, March 31st, 2017

 

So, umm…yeah.

About that whole Dance Moms thing.

It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.

Until, well…you know.Bet you didn’t see that coming.
She did it.  Miss Abby did it.

Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.I know, right?Take your time.

This whole thing pretty much caught everybody off guard.

Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.It’s true.

After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.

In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.

And on the weekend, too.  Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.

Trust me.  It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.

But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.

Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end.  With me so far?

The Dance Moms Dirt, yo.

Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.

There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing.  Because that’s how we do.

Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.

Abby was MIA. Again.I mean, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.  But, still.

Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete.  Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.

Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime.  OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.

Because, remember…Chloe.

Yup.  Looks like Chloe was really back.

Side note:  #CyberSpiritAnimal…

But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?

Was it rehearsal space?  Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC?  And where was little Brynn?  Look at this niblet.

We love Brynn, even though her Mom stopped following me on Twitter.

Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.

Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.

Am I right?  And you thought Brynn was tiny.

Was Brynn their mentor?  Was the team fractured?  What was even happening right now?

Lots, apparently.

Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.

It started getting a little uncomfortable.

But just a little.  The good stuff was still to come.  At the end of the long Road to Nationals.

Yeah.  What she said.

True Fact:  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:

NEVER skimp on the lighting.  Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.

Just don’t.

But they did.

And it didn’t end well at all.

Anyone remember #FanDanceGate?  Who burned those reels?  They’re not even on Netflix.

Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.

The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.

Advance Disclaimer:  Take it to the chat rooms, people.  Not the comment section.

This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.

Look at how little Mackenzie was back then.  She looks like a toilet paper cozy.

Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.You can probably Google how to make both the Mackenzie and the camel nose version if you want.

And she’s Maddie and you’re not.

Merchandising Memo:  Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls?  Because they do.  And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell.  My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams.  No, ma’am.

Look!  Here’s Maddie and Mackenzie at Pure Barre.And the Teletubbies at Pure Barre.And Christi and Kelly at The Barre.How much do we love those two together?  Hashtag:  Goals.

And now I forgot what we were talking about.

Oh.  Yeah.  This.And this.  

And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium.  Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row.  But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.

Programming Note:  Right here is where the whole thing hit the #Fan.

Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.

And on Ashlee.  Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille.  Or maybe not.  From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.

FYI:  Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.

Plus Jill is my #MomCrush.  So shut up, you.

And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.

Not this one.This one.Game Over.  Social Media for the Win.

Abby went home and posted this picture.

And quit. Look at how long Gianna‘s hair got.

And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.

No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.

Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up.  Remember when she got engaged to this guy?  Or not.

Here they are again, with that filter that gives you a tan and whitens your teeth.And one more time, looking in the other direction for some reason.Not sure what she had planned for this guy, but it required protective headgear.And this guy, totally getting his pocket picked while he was looking at the smoothie menu. No idea who this guy is.But I give the girl her props.

Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.

So Abby dragged the show and pretty much anyone else in her orbit on that post.  She even accused the producers of not knowing how to dance, but one of them got right on Twitter all like “Nuh Uh I took dance lessons and paid my rent with these moves, girlfriend.”

My boy even posted this told-you-so video which is so lo-res it will probably give you cataracts.

I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.

And then I don’t even know what happened next.

Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me.  Or maybe even me.

It was like every channel was showing Abby Lee Miller at the beginning of the week.

There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.

I know, right?

Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.

And I was watching the whole thing like…

And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.

Wait.  What?

You remember Cheryl.

We LOVE her.

She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board.  They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper.  You can’t make this s*** up.

Full Disclosure:  She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.

Full Disclosure 2:  Not gonna lie.  If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.

Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.

Can you say Tom DeLay?

‘Merica.

Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station. 

Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores?  Look at Lochte run like a little girl.

Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.And now she’s on Dance Moms!

And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.

Side note:  Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd. Hit that Twitter follow button, people.  Plenty of room.

I dunno.

It’s exhausting.  No bus fume pun intended.

I love all them kids and all them Moms.  And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.

But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened.  Nobody does, except the people who lived it.  And it’s real for them.

So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.

Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.

Stay tuned and we’ll see.

But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.

Good news.

Good night.

And straighten those damn feet, will ya?

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

zz

Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: The Most Outrageous Moments. Breakdowns, Showdowns & Throw downs. Talk To The Jazz Hand.

Thursday, October 13th, 2011

 

You want crazy? Check this out.

 

 

 

 

Girl, I am about to pop off on someone.

 

 

 

 

 

Why are they still talking? Seriously.

 

 

 

 

We don’t care if Maddie wins.  As long as she doesn’t lose.

 

 

 

So.

When I saw the preview that Dance Moms was splattering back onto my TV screen one last time with their Most Outrageous Moments clip special, my first thought was “Do I have enough snacks to sit through a 12 hour show?” because every second of every episode this season pretty much fell into the Outrageous category.

It wasn’t until after I ran to Costco and got a case of Cheetos that I realized the special was only one hour long.  I was disappointed.  And then I was embarrassed that I was disappointed.  And then I was disappointed that I knew enough about the show to even be embarrassed about being disappointed.  The Circle of Life.

How did they suck me in?  When did they suck me in?  I don’t even remember.  What kind of secret power does Abby Lee Miller possess that can keep my TV on for an hour even when I try to shut it off?  I swear I tried to shut it off.  I did.

Somehow her gravely second hand smoker screech and that over done metallic eye shadow wins every time.  And I did have all those Cheetos, so…it’s gonna be a long one.

Props to the Lifetime editing staff for having the stamina to sit through all 12 episodes again as well as for having the patience to narrow down that Whackapalooza into 15 little segments.  You know those poor guys took at least a week off after finishing this show.  Forced medical leave or not, they probably ran screaming from the studio and didn’t stop until they hit the ocean.

Those Moms are crazy I tell you.  They love their kids, no argument there.  But as well as being the Poster Women for the Evolution of the Kate Gosselin doo, they are Krazy with a K.

Tell me I’m not right. Line them up side by side, and you have a pretty accurate timeline of Kate’s bad hair choices.

Cathy..the original skunk.  Hair dressers will do anything for a big tip.

Kelly…growing the skunk out.  Can’t do a thing with it.

Melissa…skunk is gone and getting longer, but still not bleached and full of Dancing With The Stars extensions.

Christi…bleached and ready to dance like a zombie on ABC.

Holly…well, she doesn’t get to play, but she has a doctorate.  So there.

But anyway…

Plopped in front of the monitor and reading the cue cards like a news anchor on sedatives, Abby leads us through the Top 15.

15. Christi meltdown Number One.  Crazy Christi decided to go to the hotel bar and knock back a few instead of working on Chloe’s headband for the dance number.  I know, right?  In the dance world that’s the equivalent of sending your race car out on the track with only three tires.

Instead of sewing that bad boy right into her daughter’s scalp, Christ chose to hang with the Electrolux salesman who were chilling out after the first day of the Ramada trade show, or something like that. Naturally, when the show finally went on, Chloe’s headband slipped down over her Cabbage Patch doll close together eyeballs, and she had to finish the number looking like she was wearing a fleece visor with floral appliqué.

Abby blows a nutty.  Christi blows a bigger one.  “I pay your bills!” screams Christi.  Abby must have a really cheap home cable connection if Chloe’s $250 dance tab covers the bill.

14.  Kelly gets a fierce choreographer.  Work it, boy.  While on their never ending road trip to Nationals, the gang makes a pit stop in LA.  Kelly throws another tantrum because little chiclet toothed Maddie gets all the special attention and all the private choreography time, while Kelly’s kids get the table scraps.  Through the magic of Craig’s List she finds a fierce piece of BoyMeat who claims to choreograph for Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert.  Keeping in mind that Adam Lambert makes out with everyone on his tour bus, you know how this one ends up.

Her daughter can’t quite handle all that BoyMeat and his sassy sideways head bop, and melts down a little.  Then Kelly follows suit when Abby won’t let her kids be in the group numbers.  While they are prepping all the kids in hair and makeup, the two of them throw down a little.  Poor little Mackenzie in her snake costume onesie might want to watch out behind her head as Abby screams and flails her arms around, all while holding a mighty sharp pair of scissors.

Child Services, line 2.

13.  Botox and a big nose.  Since the evil Chaos Cathy is the fashionista in the group, she talks all the Moms into proving to their daughters once again that looks are all that really matter in life, and organizes a Moms Day at the Botox and Filler Spa.  She swears by the stuff.  Kelly is turning 40…a hard 40…and between the Kate doo, the stress of being a NutWad and bad lighting, she really needs a poke.

They all go in for a tune up and face tightening at the shop, but Cathy is quick to point out that Christi’s big nose ain’t going away.  Since her forehead couldn’t move, I’m not sure if she got mad or not.

12.  Cathy, Mom Jeans and Mom Dancing.   Besides being a fashionista with skunk hair and no eyebrow movement, Cathy also owns her own dance studio, and is picked to choreograph the Mom Dance for a production.  Her Candy Apple’s Dance Center, which is basically the hidden Evil Dance Lair base of operations for her never ending plot to overthrow Abby, has given her years of experience in choreographing little kids to play mice in the Nutcracker.

Moms, not so much.

Cathy puts together a Jazzercise warm-up for the Moms, and then busts out her own freestyle jam on the night of the performance.  All the other Moms ending up standing at the back of the stage like they were in line at Target while Cathy tried desperately to prove that her dancing years are not over.  Picture your least favorite uncle drunk at a wedding.  There you have it.

11.  Nia Gets Her Groove On.  Let me go on record as saying I love me some Nia.  She is a hoot.  She is the little Beyonce wannabe who is all braces and OhNoSheDin’t head snaps.  Abby apparently wants her to be the lead in the next Al Jolsen Revival, and Mom Holly is none to pleased.  Every number that Nia is asked to do either involves an afro wig or hakuna matata jungle vine swinging, and Mom doesn’t play the token card.  She and Abby go at it as she tries to prove that Lincoln actually freed the slaves, thank you.

The only sign that Holly wants hung around her daughter’s neck is the one that says “My Mom has a Doctorate, bitches.”

10.  Prostitots.  I got all excited thinking that someone came up with a cool new brand of microwave Tater Tots, until I realized that Abby was hooching up her girls again in more age inappropriate attire and some of the Moms were not ok with it.  Kelly will do anything to get her daughters noticed, so she was fine with a pint size bra top and high garter stockings.  Holly, who has a doctorate by the way, hated the outfits.  Keeping in mind that they were in Pennsylvania Amish country, the hoochie factor would definitely have knocked a farmer off his horse carriage.

9.  Mediocre and Proud of it!  During yet another Kelly nuclear meltdown, she and Abby go at it again…and again…over Abby’s claim that Kelly’s kids are slow.  Wicked slow.  And border line stupid.

In an odd bit of parental support Kelly proclaims to the world and all the Lifetime Facebook people that, why yes..gosh darn it…my kids ARE mediocre and that’s ok.  They aren’t going to amount to anything and I’m happy with that, and so are they.

The freakiest part of the whole argument was when Kelly screamed that the kids spend 8 hours a day dancing, and 8 hours a day in school.

Screech.  Hold that thought.

School? Prove it, because I didn’t see one school book in any of those faux leopard trolley cases.  Just saying.

8.  Cathy ain’t going nowhere.  I’m starting to think this should be the Kelly Show.  Naturally, Kelly’s kids are again on the losing end.  Brooke, who somehow magically goes from 8 to 18 years old and then back again in every episode, gets some ratty a** polka dotted glued together costume mess that even Cirque du Soliel wouldn’t be caught dead in.  Abby suggests that she wear the top from Cathy’s daughter Vivi-Anne’s outfit, since that poor little niblet doesn’t stand a chance of ever making it in the dance world.

Cathy says fine, and then at the last minute says no, and wants it back, which sends Kelly into orbit.  It quickly turns into a contest to see which Mom can humiliate their kid fastest, and a good chance to point out that Kelly’s kids have gnarly feet.  Brooke is never gonna get a man at this rate.

Before Kelly can shove Cathy into the sheetrock, Cathy proclaims that she is here to stay.  So Like It!

7.  Paige forgets her choreography.  Uh oh.  Maybe those kids are mediocre.  Yikes.

6.  Cathy ain’t going.  Make up your mind, woman.  Ok.  So she is here to stay.  But now she is going.  Or not going, actually.

When Abby pulls another last minute addition to the seemingly endless bus ride and announces they are all going to Las Vegas, Cathy bails.  Another screaming match about how everyone is replaceable…even dance teachers.  Oh.  She went there.

Of course, little did we know at the time that Cathy was going back to the Evil Dance Lair to plot revenge against Abby.  Don’t touch that dial.

5.  Laqueefa WHAT?!  Straight (no pun intended…) off the RuPaul Drag Race comes Diva Shangela to show the girls how to do the Death Drop.  The girls wet themselves while the Moms clutched their pearls.  The entire hour was worth sitting through just to see little Nia go completely hyper spaz when Shangela collapsed into the Death Drop.   Did I already mention I love me some Nia?

4.  Jealous of an 8 year old.  Christi and Abby in the hotel room having another fit.  And yes, they are all jealous of their kids.  Don’t even try to squirm out of that argument, girls.

3.  The return of Chaos Cathy.  She’s baaaaaaack.  Cathy shows up at the competition bearing her checkered basket of chopsticks (the better to poke your eyes out with…) and tries to take down Abby and her team.  She calls Abby’s choreography tired.  That didn’t go over so well.

2.  Jesus save my soul, and my studio.  Crazy Minister Dawn sends her daughter to acrobatic class with socks on.  Shut the front door.

Abby kicks her out, then Dawn blows that same front door wide open and…well, let’s just say I don’t ever remember having to call the local Mall Cops on my home town minister.  I can officially testify to the Lord that she is CrazyCakes.

1.  Christi…again.  And Abby finishes us off with one final breakdown, showdown, throw down trifecta.

Maddie, of course, gets two solos at the competition so she hauls in all the trophies.  Christi goes completely off her meds, and off her rocker and terrorizes the entire auditorium looking for Abby.  It was the complete unrated directors cut box set version of Moms Gone Wild.

Screaming and yelling to the point where I’m pretty sure I even saw the valet guy out front get into it with them.  One by one all the girls started crying as the Moms got into the Ring.

Have you ever been on a plane that is landing, and the change in cabin pressure makes all the babies’ ears pop and they all start crying at the same time?

Totally like that.

Classic moment when Melissa scoops up all Maddie’s trophies and makes a run for it, leaving half her kids behind.  Remind me not to be at her house when it catches on fire.

And then, just like that, it was over.  For the whole season.

I think my ears just popped.

 

 

Bitch stole my look.


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