DanThat'sCool!

 

 

Excuse me? Who you calling a big fat cheater? It’s the pants that make my junk look like this, thank you.

 

 

 

 

Lawd. You’d think with all these mirrors in here, somebody would actually use one once in awhile.

 

 

 

 

Girl, pleez. Do not make me unleash my Nia Face on you. I ain’t no cheater.

 

 

 

 

 

Forget that. Check it out…I’m just about to unleash my crazy face on somebody’s big ol’ a**.

 

 

 

 

Why did she get to wear the green dress? You’d think just once I could be the star. This sucks.

 

 

 

Scandalous, I tell you.

Did she or didn’t she?  It was the question that nearly brought down the ALDC.

Forget voter fraud, frivolous Wall Street stock scams and all the drama surrounding the new Facebook Timeline.  We’re talking scratched CDs here, people.

This week, Dance Moms…which pretty much felt like an hour of filler squished between 95 commercials for the premiere of that hot mess Bristol Palin reality show…was so chock full of cheating accusations, crazy faces and whining that I’m surprised they found the time to actually get to the dancing part of the show.

After bringing home a steamer trunk full of trophies, plaques and dusty Zombie couture, Abby Lee Miller was obviously looking for another victory the next time they hit the stage.  The troupe was a big hit at last week’s Energy Dance Competition, and now it was time to see if lightening could strike twice.

But you know the rules, by now.  First was the Pyramid of Shame, formerly known as the Duh, It’s Not Rocket Science – Maddie Will Be On Top Again Pyramid.

Since the lowest spots on the Pyramid are basically reserved seating for any offspring sprung from Kelly’s loins, Brooke and Paige were scotch taped right down at the bottom.  Again.

Neither of them had really done anything wrong other than unintentionally share their mother’s last name.  Abby has basically chosen them as sacrificial lambs in her Anti-Kelly campaign, and not even Paige’s still too old for her age haircut could save them.

Paige is a patootie, but somebody backstage keeps curling her up into a 1940′s starlet, and she’s starting to look like Brooke’s older sister just back home from college with no boyfriend and a baby.

Both of them were on probation, with big Dynamo label maker “Probations” stuck to their photos like those internet black boxes they put over the eyes of anonymous hookers, but only lower.

The bottom row was finished off with Chloe’s face, who became another lamb innocently sent to slaughter.  Last week Mom Christi had yanked Chloe from rehearsals to take her to the doctor, the chiropractor and that new Avengers movie, and Abby wasn’t happy at all.

As previously discussed in depth here in past weeks:  Unless something that should be on the inside of your body is suddenly showing on the outside, there is never a good reason to skip rehearsal.

Not even Robert Downey Jr., thank you.  He’s dreamy, but you’re gonna have to wait for the Director’s Cut Blu-ray.  Sorry.  Now back to the studio.

Middle of the pack was set aside for Nia and Mackenzie, who let out a big excited gasp right through one of the gaps that will soon be filled with a big girl tooth.  We love her.

Mack Attack just needs more ballet classes, and maybe one of those Simon light up games from Toys ‘R Us that help increase your memory skills.  Abby would like her to make it through an entire number without spacing out or leaving the stage before Adele finishes the song.

Speaking as someone who couldn’t even remember to put shoes on at that age, I think she is doing just fine.  Lay off, lady.

Nia just needs to keep being Fierce.  That’s my call, not Abby’s.  I don’t really care what Abby thinks.  I don’t even remember what she said.

Team Nia in yo’ face, bitches.

And sho nuff, lookie there…Maddie was on top!

Last time, even though the CD skipped during her performance, the Maddie Soul Train kept chugging away until the commercial break.

And that’s when the whole El Scandalo Thang started to percolate.

Word on the Mom Street was that Abby had put Maddie through rehearsals with a skipping CD and even gave the judges a bootleg scratcher as a guarantee that she would score highly.  I guess the deal is that if your music has a big goober in the middle then that somehow gets you some kind of high score on the Pity Point scale.  There must be ways to keep track of these kind of things though, otherwise I’m going to assume that everyone who ever entered a dance competition would tie their CDs to the mini-van trailer hitch like beer cans on a wedding day and show up ready for First Place.

Everyone just let that one stew for a bit longer while Abby handed out assignments.

The gang was headed back to yet another Energy Dance Competition, this time in Michigan.  I could hardly wait to see that poorly lit, out of focus Power Point backdrop logo again.  Not really sure why it bothers me so much, but it does.  Get used to it, because every time we go to one of their events you’re gonna hear it again.

The group number was going to be a Silver Spoon theme.  I immediately got all excited that maybe Ricky Schroder would be making a cameo since he seems to have a lot of spare time on his hands these days.

(I’ll pause here so the younger set can Google “Ricky Schroder” and see why the Silver Spoon reference is so hysterical.  Gah…when did I get so old?)

But then I realized that Abby meant silver spoon like you’re born into a spoiled, gifted life with the spoon in your mouth.  And we’re supposed to call him Rick now, anyway.

Nia, Maddie and Mack Attack all got the thumbs up for a solo number.

Maddie was doing a Helen Keller dance, which I won’t make a joke about because that would be in bad taste.  I just hope they put crib guards up around the edge of the stage because it’s a long way down.

Nia was going to be channeling her Sasha Nia again, which I love, and doing a more mature dance.  Looks like Abby has finally…finally…given up on her dreams of an Aunt Jemima Broadway Revival and Nia can now dance without an afro pick in her hair.

Holly was thrilled.  She and Christi are tied for who has the best Proud Mom Face.  I can’t decide.

Mack’s routine was a Daisy Chain number.  While you’re Googling “Ricky Schroder” you might want to just take a quick drive-by and see what the porno definition for that term is all about.  I really wish Abby had called it something else because…well…just because.

I know it was innocent enough and Abby just wanted to dress Mack up like a character from H.R. PufnStuf and let her roll around…but…just Google it.

And how about all my TV Land flashbacks this week?  What’s up with that?

I’m dying to say something about some of the tight pants on selected Moms this week, too…but I’ve already dissed Helen Keller, slammed Rick(y) Schroder and talked pornography and we’re still on the Pyramid, so I’m not really sure when I’ve crossed the line.

Let’s just say that some of them camels need to put their shoes back on and leave it at that.  If you get it, you get it.

Up in the Mom Perch, everyone was talking about how China makes pants so small this year and how Melissa ratted out Chloe for going to the movies.  (Ok…I made up some of that.  You figure out which part.)  All the Moms ganged up on Melissa about the bootleg CD until she couldn’t sit still anymore.

Melissa bolted downstairs and burst into the duet rehearsal to confront Abby about the allegations of cheating.

Blah blah blah…Abby’s reputation.  Blah blah blah…Abby’s good name.  You can figure it out.

Abby swore she didn’t purposely nick or scratch anything, but I kept looking at her new Morticia Addams extra-long nails and I can totally see where she could slice off an entire song just trying to open the CD shrink wrap.  As Melissa and Abby went a few rounds, the Moms were glued to the action like Chloe at the Avengers.  I thought I even smelled popcorn.

The Ricky Schroder number was based around a prop.  A ginormous prop.

Somewhere in Pittsburgh Abby had tracked down a massive 3 foot tall spoon that appeared to be made of solid lead.  The poor girls could barely hoist it up over their heads.

After Maddie almost blew out her thoracic vertebrae trying to fling that thing around, Abby decided to take it home for private ice cream nights and replaced the prop with a smaller piece of flatware.

Throughout the rehearsals there were many…many…of those special Kelly “Abby hates my kids” moments that I won’t bother going into detail on.  Same song.  Different outfit.

By the time it came to finalizing the costumes, Kelly was firing on all 8 cylinders.

The individual and duet outfits weren’t too bad.  Mack looked like a Springtime Muppet while Nia looked like Beyoncé tangled up in sailboat rope.

That group number on the other hand.  Yikes.

The pastel dresses were just an odd combination of Sound of Music meets Nutcracker meets Easter Parade meets that Cult where everyone had the same hair and all married one dude.

The one with the uni-brow ladies.

Those dresses were bad.

I’m praying they’re not burned into my plasma like the freakin’ QVC logo.  Seriously, as they argued and swapped colors and tried to get it together, I was expecting Anderson Cooper to burst in and do an exposé on the ALDC Compound.

Since Abby hates Paige, she stuck the poor thing with a dress 5 sizes too large, while Chloe was forced to squeeze into green sausage casing that almost collapsed her right lung.

Kelly went completely Kelly on that one.  Twice, actually.

Finally it was time for the competition.  We’ll speed this thing up since you’re not really here for the technical play by play anyway.

The duet was great.  Abby said the two girls never danced together better than they did this time.  Christi was scribbling like crazy in her program the entire time like the people who are always at the greyhound park keeping track on their racing forms.  No score gets by this woman.  I smell a spin-off….Bookie Moms.

The best part of the group number was the very end.  If you freeze frame it and really study it, the scene pretty much sums up everything that Abby lives for…

Maddie standing tall and proud, silver spoon (…complete with newly added fancy bow…) held high over her head after clubbing all the other girls into unconsciousness.  It was like the crazy caveman who beat down all his opponents for that one juicy piece of wooly mammoth meat.  Last man…or dance girl…standing.

Check it out.  I’m not lying.  It was either a really strange coincidence, or Abby Lee Miller’s best subliminal jab into Kelly’s eye sockets ever.

They scored a second place even with baggy dresses and that creepy OB/GYN spoon, as did the duet.

Solos on the other hand…not so much.

MackAttack came in first place for the Preemie division after remembering where she was and keeping that big daisy on her head.  She even got a little crown.  It was pretty anemic by Toddlers & Tiaras standards, but it was her first one and she was poking her tongue every which way through all those endearing empty spots in her mouth.  She is too cute.

But Nia and Maddie didn’t pull in the high scores that Abby wanted, so you can imagine the kind of mood Ms. Miller was in by the time Kelly went in for the kill.  Kelly definitely needs to work on her timing if she ever expects to walk away from a fight with more than a black eye.

Everything spinning around in Kelly’s head all came out at once.  The favoritism.  The bad costumes.  The whole hating my kids thing again.  Same song.  Different outfit.

Again.

It wasn’t their best fight, but I have faith.  Kelly is a ticking time bomb and I’m living for the day when Abby starts tearing off her nails like she’s about to throw down on the Jerry Springer Show.

You already know she can toss a chair with one hand.

Say it with me:

Abby!  Abby!  Abby!

 

 

Lawd…I swear that Mom is as crazy as her haircut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Excuse me?

 

 

 

 

 

You know my Mom has been inhaling Magic Marker fumes all morning, right? She’s gonna freak on your a**.

 

 

 

You’re so fat I took yo’ picture last Christmas and it’s still printing out on my damn computer!

 

 

 

 

 

NO RUBBER STOPPERS?!?!

 

 

 

 

“You’re Fat.”

“You’re Crazy.”

For those of you looking for a shortened version of how this week’s Dance Moms went down…that was it.

You’re welcome.

Thanks for stopping by, and enjoy the rest of your day.

For those of you with a little more time to kill at work before the Boss catches on…here we go.

It was the Abby vs. Kelly Show and it wasn’t pretty.  It was definitely loud and colorful, and a total hoot to witness, but not very pretty as all the years of pent up aggression between the two women began to blow out like steam from a busted radiator pipe.

After a not so great showing at their last competition, the Abby Lee Dance Company troupe filed in for what they knew would be a guaranteed Pyramid of Shame.  Both the tiny dancers and the Mom Squad had that nervous fidget thing going on that we all used to get right before having to present a book report on a book that we lost on the first day of school and never even read.

You knew you were going to get busted for it, but you didn’t know how badly.

It was immediately apparent that not only had Abby Lee Miller invested in quite a few new outfits from Lane Bryant this season, but she had also managed to pick up a thesaurus on her way out of the mall, because our Girl knew every synonym for “LAZY” that exists in the English language.

The poor little dancers were called sluggish, boring, lifeless and every other adjective usually reserved for high school biology teachers.

(Ok…maybe I’m still carrying some old issues around.  Maybe.)

Maddie and her endearing Chiclet teeth were on the bottom of the pile, which was a long way down from her usual top spot, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Mom Melissa.

Ever since Maddie bolted off that New Jersey stage a few weeks back after forgetting her choreography, the kid has been stuck in a little rough patch.  With just that one on-stage goober, it was like the pilot light on her little mental stove got blown out and nobody had any matches to start it up again.  She’s been moping around like all the spunk leaked out of her ears while she was sleeping.

Last week Abby had given her the opportunity to get it together and perform a last minute solo, but she instead chose to sit in the audience, staring blankly at the stage and crying like she had just watched Bambi’s mother get shot at the Cineplex.

The world doesn’t need another Brooke.

Smile, already.

Jack-o-lantern Mackenzie was also on the bottom.  Her teeth are starting to come in nicely, but adult incisors don’t make up for only snagging 10th place with your solo.

Paige finished off the basement trifecta, because she forgot a step last time and doinked around for a second.

Oh.  And Abby hates her mother.  That, too.

Brooke and all her teenage angst made it to the second row, along with Sasha Nia.

Abby was happy with Nia and her fierceness and was even happier that she didn’t have to listen to her mouth that much last week, and somehow that was supposed to translate into positive reenforcement.

Nia just snapped her new braided weave and was all down wid dat.  I love the bazoinkers out of that kid.  Beyoncé better be watching her back, because someday when Blue Ivy Carter is home barfing up strained squash all over his Gucci onesie, little Nia is going to take over first place in the Diva Race.

Granted, Bey Bey will be wiping Blue’s chin clean with $100 bills, but still…

Cabbage Patch-eyed Chloe was sticking to her top ranking for a second week, which in AbbyLand translated into more stress than ever.  Sooner or later Maddie is going to snap out of it and then it’s on like Donkey Kong.  So it enjoy it while you can.

This week the gang was headed to Chicago for the Energy Dance Competition and that cost cuttingly lame lightbox Energy logo that they always beam up onto the stage.

Personally, if it were up to me, I would boycott the competition just for that graphic alone.

For all the money that you raise in registration fees, do you really need to use a grade school transparency?  You remember that thing…what was it called?  Where the teacher wrote with that erasable marker on a piece of plastic that got projected up onto one of those pull down screens?  And it always wobbled when they wrote until you thought you would get car sick learning how to divide fractions?

If you have no idea what I’m talking about and all your schools have ever used are computers, then you’re too young to be ready this smack talk, fancy pants.  Go back to Facebook and update your status.

Paige, Brooke and Chloe all scored solos, while Mack and Nia would be doing a Circus themed duet.

Since there is no such thing as simply being rewarded for your hard work, there was a little bit of drama surrounding Chloe, who got squealed on by one of Abby’s faculty members for not being in dance class earlier in the week.  Turned out that Mom Christi had taken her to the doctor’s for something or other, but Abby wasn’t buying it for a minute.  Unless there’s a visible open wound or an arrow sticking straight out of your forehead, there’s no excuse good enough for missing jazz class.

According to Abby’s new thesaurus, another good word for “LAZY” was zombie-like, so the group number was all about the Living Dead.  You wanna act like Zombies?  Then you better be prepared to dance like them, too.  Cause this is Thriller.

In yet another attempt at getting a dig in at Holly’s expense, Abby pointed out that Nia’s Mom had so much spare time on her hands now that she should be able to whip up some Zombie Couture for the show.  Knowing full well that Holly never had a sewing machine in her Principal’s Office back at school, Abby was obviously hoping that she would fall flat on her face with this wardrobe assignment.

I’m not quite certain Abby realizes yet that it was actually Holly’s decision to take a leave of absence from work to spend more time with her family.  I think in Abby’s head she still believes that Holly was fired and is loving every minute of the delusion.

At least she didn’t give her another Al Jolson number to costume, so maybe we’re making some progress after all.

Melissa did a lot of crying and almost crying this week.  When the Moms questioned her about no longer working at Abby’s front desk, Melissa got a little teary realizing how much she missed everyone.  And even more importantly, how much everyone missed her.  Apparently she receives multiple emails everyday from people professing their love, and how much they miss seeing her around.

Considering that while all her old coworkers are downstairs at the desk Melissa is barely 20 feet away upstairs in the Mom Perch, I’m not quite sure how the missing you part really comes into play.  It’s not like they need GPS to locate her, right?  I think they need to be more concerned about cleaning that landfill of a front desk than about texting Melissa, but maybe that’s just me.

While everyone worked on their various solos, Melissa went all the way back downstairs to her old stomping ground and asked Abby to give Maddie some one on one private time to see if that would slap her back into reality.  Since Abby loves Maddie almost as much as she loves IHOP, she agreed to sneak her in after hours for a quickie.

There was also a brief moment when all of the sudden we found out that Brooke had been harboring a secret desire to be the next teen singing sensation.

I know, right?

Lucky for us, and for youtube, Abby has an on call vocal coach just down the hall who took time out from sending more love notes to Melissa and worked with Brooke on her vibrato.  Where this whole singing thing came from is beyond me, because I don’t think we’ve ever heard Brooke string together more than 12 words into a sentence in two whole seasons, and yet all of the sudden she thinks she’s the next Rebecca Black.

The big meltdown between Abby and Kelly began as poor little Paige tried to focus on her solo.

The prop for the dance was one of those Broadway chairs like they use in the musical Chicago.  The kind the hot chicks always straddle.  They’re like ice cream parlor chairs gone bad.

Kelly was supposed to put rubber stoppers on the bottom of the legs so the chair didn’t go flying out into the judges’ table during the competition, but she spaced out and had forgotten to take the chair home the night before.

(Again, maybe it’s just me, but wouldn’t it be easier to just bring the four little rubber stoppers to the studio in a True ValueHardware bag instead of shlepping a giant chair home in the van.  But, you know….)

When Abby flipped over the chair and saw that it was sans rubber, as they say in France, she flipped out.  And then she flipped the chair.  And then Paige flipped out, quickly followed by Kelly, who was quickly followed by some poor cameraman schmo who had to try and keep up as Kelly tore downstairs.

It was like the camera guys who follow the cops into a drug bust, all wobbly and blurry as they try to keep out of the line of fire.

Then it was a whole bunch of screaming and fat jokes and girl, you so crazy slams before Kelly finally scooped up all her kids and left the studio, pausing just long enough to request a full refund on her contract and a parking validation stamp.

Krazy with a K.

But like any good Dance Mom Meltdown, everyone always come back the next day…unless they end up going to Ohio to dance with the Candy Apples contingent.  So Kelly came back with her kids the next morning, but chose to stay outside and spray paint zombie daywear with the other Moms like they were doing arts & crafts at a Summer Camp for Dead People.

That same spray paint would have come in handy the day before on that Pussycats Doll chair, but for some reason they all decided to use black Sharpies for touch ups.

Somebody needs a course in time management, don’t you think?

This week I also started to wonder if Melissa is part-Ninja, because she just shows up out of the blue as if she dropped in through the air duct vents.

During Maddie’s one on one with Abby she was suddenly there…in tears of course, sobbing how her heart hurts when she hears the other Moms talk trash about Abby.

And then she dropped out of nowhere again at the competition as Abby tried to motivate Maddie into getting her act together.  That time both Maddie and Melissa were crying, which only babies do according to Abby.

Seriously.  Melissa is like some X-man or something who can blend into shadows and then just materialize.  Go back and check it out.  Even Maddie was all like “Gah..go away.  You keep showing up.”

Speaking of the competition.  There was actually a little bit of The Dance in the episode.

Kelly had another MomSpaz and pulled Paige and Brooke from their solos at the last minute.  Both kids were good to go right up until the last minute, but it became apparent as Paige was rehearsing that Abby couldn’t be bothered to even look up from her laptop to acknowledge either Paige or her newly rubberized chair.  So Kelly snapped another nerve and yanked them both.

But conveniently enough, Abby had already snuck Maddie back onto the registration page, so at least somebody represented the Hood.

Then there was some more dancing.  And then some zombie dancing.  You might want to check out a legitimate dance site if you’re looking for the deets.  Or the truth.

After the awards, there was just enough time for one more screaming chick fight.

Abby accused Kelly of screwing up, like she always does, with that whole chair stopper fiasco and most likely a subliminal jab at her haircut.

When Kelly accused Abby of not caring about her kids, Abby countered with something about going to the hospital after Kelly’s husband ran down her own kid in the driveway.

Say wha…?!

I have no clue what that one was all about, but it was Gold.

And you know it’s already the most Googled question out there next to Kim and Kanye getting engaged.

Oh, yeah.  It’s going down between Abby and Kelly.  Going down.

All the way down town going down.

It’s enough to make you want to get in the van and back over somebody…again.

Honk if you love Dance Moms.

Honk twice if you’re backing it up.

Safety First, bitches.

 

 

Bad Girls, Bad Girls. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Britney Spears comes for you?

 

 

 

 

And the award for “Best Whacky Gay Sidekick With No Name Helping Carry In A Butt Kissing Bench” goes to…

 

 

 

 

It’s The Dance Moms Drinking Game! Take a shot every time someone yells. Or swears. Or cries. Bonus shot ski  if they yell and swear and cry all at once.

 

 

 

 

I’m taking the first kid I grab and hitting the road. This hair is way too big for a studio this small. Peace out, bitches.

 

 

 

 

All the Single Ladies. If you like it then you better put some Pork on it.

 

 

 

 

O. M. G.

D. M. O.

S. O. S.

It was Dance Moms Overload this week…somebody help me.  You might need a snack to get through this one.

Abby Lee Miller is back.

That’s right.  Before we even had time to rinse the Toddlers & Tiaras taste out of our mouths, all the Crazy Dancing and Dancing Crazies just came screaming back onto our plasmas, bringing with them two distinct options.

Rejoice.  Or Run.

Remembering everything that had gone down so far this season, your first choice should probably have been to run, but I know how comfortable that couch is after a long day.

Short Term Memory issues?  No worries.

The opening act was a full hour of Abby’s Most OMG Moments.  Comfortably perched in that Liberace Glitter Closet where she can oversee All Things Dance, Abby flashed back through the Top 20 jaw dropping, forehead slapping, OhNoTheyDin’t moments so far.

Like the day after Thanksgiving, Abby’s hit list of OMGs gave us all the best parts of the bird reheated and shoved back down our throats one more time, whether we were hungry or not.

You’re gonna eat it.  And you’re gonna like it.

#20.  Put On Your Game Faces, And Maybe Fix Your Hair In A Room With A Mirror.  

Making their entrance into one of the many competitions this season, Abby and her little dancers were about to come face to face with crazy villainess Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the Candy Apples Contingent.

After letting her team sprawl all around the lobby doing the most technically unsafe, neck bending sit-ups ever seen in the world of fitness, Cathy huddled in the corner with all her Apples like meerkats do when they’re about to get eaten by a hawk.  As Abby approached with her dancers, in that windblown flash mob way they always enter a room, Cathy whispered Don’tLookAtThemDon’tLookAtThem over and over like some kind of religious cult mantra.

Both troupes repeatedly hummed GameFacesGameFaces until Abby broke the tension and waved a quick “Hollah” at the Apples.  That was nice, right?

The single pink roller still stuck in her hair was also nice touch.  And it didn’t go unnoticed by Cathy or my favorite bad a** red haired Mom, as they both laughed like they had just backed over the neighbors’ annoyingly bratty kid with their SUV.

You know that red haired Mom totally tweeted about the curler as soon as Abby pulled it out of her ‘do.  With a big LOL at the end.

#19.  Oops…Peyton Did It Again.  Hot For Teacher.

It was the Naughty School Girl Number, and Abby had slutted  the girls up like mini-Britney Spears video vixens.  Trying to channel Catholic school girls gone bad, Abby knotted up their white shirts and tore their fishnets to artfully imply that 7 foot tall bully Peyton had roughed them up on the playground.

Peyton’s Mom Leslie, who is clearly Pennsylvania’s authority on bullying, took some offense to the outfits and the fact that her Amazon kid was the one chosen to be the bad seed.

That sound you just heard was the apple not falling far from the tree.

#18.  The Gift(s) That Keep On Giving. 

In her never ending attempts at scoring Kendall top billing on every gymnasium marquee in America, Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill has invested a good chunk of change this season on bribery gifts.

Whether it’s one of those mark-down cologne sets they sell at TJMaxx on Black Friday or secret massages in the storage closet, Jill showered Abby with more gifts this season than the rest of us receive on our birthdays and Christmas combined.

The one that took the cake was her front lobby bench, complete with an engraved Things Remembered plaque, emblazoned with “To Abby With Love. Now Go Break Maddie’s Knees And Put My Kid On Stage” or some such gibberish.

The gift itself was over the top, but it was nothing compared to whoever that dude was who helped Jill yank the bench out of the van.

I’m not too proud to say I’m officially obsessed with finding out how she scored herself a whacky gay sidekick/assistant on such short notice.

Wrapped up in his Dance Moms: Miami scarf, the guy shlepped the bench into the entryway and then clutched the previously positioned, yet suddenly displaced, trophy like he was Susan Lucci.

I applaud your win, Sir.  No one deserved it more.

#17.  Don’t Make Holly Smack You With Her Doctorate.

This one was Mom Holly butting heads with Abby.

Holly had a job and couldn’t always be at the studio.  Abby wanted Nia to single handedly take on every ethnic dance ever choreographed, and do it dressed like a National Geographic Special every week.

We can skim right past this one, since it will happen again next week.

#16.  Kelly Interrupts A Rehearsal And Swears And Threatens To Quit.

Ditto.  Next week?  Same scene.  Different outfit.

#15.  It’s An Audition For The Joffrey Ballet.  Shut Your Pizza Hole, Woman.

Stick all the Moms, and all the Candy Apples, into one crammed hallway.  Add some pizza slices and poor pointe shoe technique, and you have all the makings for a great bitch fest that was guaranteed to distract both Mr. Joffrey and most likely any cab drivers down on the street level.

As Team Abby worked on their ballet stuff in the audition room, Cathy and Kelly got into it outside the door when Cathy casually observed that Brooke’s feet looked eerily similar to Danny DeVito’s in the second Batman movie.

With that bad a** red haired Mom right in the middle of things again (…she has Fight Club radar, I swear…) one by one all the Moms pig piled on Cathy, like a nursery full of babies all waking up at the same time.

I have no idea how Mr. Joffrey contained himself enough to not slap the spaz right out of Cathy.  I also have no idea how she found pizza upstairs at the Joffrey.  According to the CW Network, ballet dancers don’t even eat.

Go figure.

#14.  Cathy Goes For The Nose.

It was Cathy vs. Christi.

I love when they throw down.  It’s Krystal and Alexis without the hair pulling.

At least so far.  We can only hope.

#13.  Kelly Swears Again.  But This Time It’s The “W” Word.

Blah Blah Blah.  Kelly and Abby went at it again as a random Mom scooted everyone out the door.

But this time Kelly called Abby a whore!

Yeah.  For realz.  And then Kelly took a drink out of her styrofoam cup, which was totally like she was toasting herself for saying it.

I still haven’t figured out Kelly’s hair, and it’s been almost two years. But I love her crazy face when she loses it.

#12.  Taking Out The White Trash.

Another screaming match at the studio.

When all the Moms took their kids and their Vera Bradley bags and stormed out the front door, Abby called them White Trash.

Hello, Pot.  Meet Kettle.

 #11.  Maybe If You Scream “Role Model” A Little Louder She’ll Hear You.

Another screaming match.  By now I was losing track.

Someone screamed something about being a role model, which I found quite ironic.

#10.  A Little Whine And Cheese Before We Kick You Out?

All the Moms got together out in the Real World, which was a great opportunity to have some snacks at a Mom home and snoop in the medicine cabinet while everyone else was downstairs in the kitchen.

After a few cocktails and half a Hickory Farms cheese log, the conversation got around to Abby’s favoritism and the special attention that Melissa’s two daughters receive at the studio.

Though not as sloppy as The Jersey Shore, you know what happens when you try to have a conversation after chugging down a wine box.

Melissa stormed out, quickly followed by Jill.

I’ll give the Moms all props.  How they drink and eat and scream all at the same time without biting the inside of their mouths or the tip of their tongues is an art form.  I can’t even answer my cell with a mouthful.

I bow to them.

#9.  And Just Like That…Poof!  Jill And Her Poof Are Gone.

Even with all the cologne and furniture, Kendall ended back on probation and Jill blew a nutty.  As Abby spewed a veritable grocery list of Kendall’s flaws, both Jill and her Pittsburgh Poof got more tightly wound until they both finally popped.

Snatching her kid like she was hoisting her Louis bag off the conveyor belt at JFK Airport, Jill vowed to leave and take Kendall to a studio who could appreciate her talents.

There was crying, and big hair and over accessorizing…everything that we’ve grown to love about Jill.

She set the GPS for Ohio and you know how that story ends.

#8.  Leslie’s Golden Rules Of Parenting.

Take the criticism and shut up.  If you don’t like it, go somewhere else.  I said shut up.

The End.

#7.  Is That Jerky In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Tommy’s Jerky Emporium Palooza Warehouse, or whatever it was called, needed to get more business.  Run by Cathy’s husband Mike (…whose Broadway stage name is Canton’s Jerky King…) both the business and Mike himself appear to be dead weight awkwardly stuck to Cathy’s side.

Times are tough, and Cathy figured a commercial would bring in more customers and put more money in the cash registers.

Filling the freezer with sellable jerky and preventing Mike from eating half the profits would also benefit the business, but maybe that’s just my observation.

Figuring she could kill two birds with one stone, Cathy somehow coerced Christi into allowing smiley little Chloe to appear in the commercial.  As Mike chewed off another percent or two of company profit, Chloe was forced to dance in the now infamous Meat Unitard.

Looking like a Jennifer Lopez lint roller that was dragged through a deli counter, poor Chloe survived with her dignity intact, though she did lose a slice of pepperoni or two in the back I noticed.

#6.  More Drama At Peyton Place.

After finishing up the Naughty School Girl number, everything fell apart in the back room.  Even though Peyton had incorrectly taped the “Kick Me” sign on a Good Girl’s back, she still felt that she had done better than most of the other dancers.

Snotty attitude, much?  Let’s just say that Abby Lee Miller don’t play dat.

#5.  Melissa’s Matrimonial Meltdown.

Since I don’t get why Melissa is so freaked out about the other Moms discussing her upcoming nuptials, I leave this one to the lawyers.

You would think that finally legalizing your relationship with the Mystery Man who has been cutting dance checks in exchange for booty calls would make everything less covert, but that’s just me.  Since her beau and Judge Judy are both on speed dial, we’ll move right along.

#4.  Brooke Shakes Her Pom Poms Somewhere Else.

Another Kelly vs. Abby kind of thing.  This time because Brooke wanted to try out for Cheerleading, which in my day required that you smile once in awhile.

She’s back.

#3.  Cathy Goes For The Nose, Again.  This Time Under The Sparkling Disco Ball.

Krystal and Alexis got a little closer to some hair pulling in this round.  Between witty repartee surrounding Christi’s metallic ensemble and some Goodwill donations, I almost missed the crazy old lady from Candy Apples taking it all in like she was at the best Bingo Night evah.  She was so captivated I think she missed the Early Bird Special.

Someday I hope to be trapped in an elevator with Bingo Lady and Jill’s whacky gay sidekick and marvel at them both until my head explodes.

#2.  Git Along, Little Jill Doggie.

Second only to the infamous Meat Unitard is Jill’s out of character cowboy hat.

Apparently thinking that the straw iParty hat would allow her to more easily blend in with the locals, Jill was looking like that person we all worked with who always dressed up for Theme Day.

When Abby refused to allow Kendall to wear the $500 costume that Jill was trying to sneak in under the radar (…and call it home made, natch…) our little cowgirl got her saloon pantaloons all in a bunch, threw a shoe and then headed out of Dodge.

Again.

#1.  Abby Cried?  You Mean…No…She’s Human?

With a nod to Victor and Angel (…I’m from Miami, bitch…) we finished off The List with Abby in tears.

The last time we had seen Abby she had just lost a competition by .999999999% or something to the Candy Apples.  She had witnessed the Golden Child Maddie forget her routine and run off stage.  She was also taking heat from all the Moms over her ongoing favoritism.

Not a good day at the office.

After a butt shot that filled my entire 50″ screen, Abby had left the competition early and headed off into the sunset.

It was, like, totally OMG.

But now she’s back., Candy Apples.

Chew on that.