Dance Moms: Just A Small Town Girl On A Saturday Night Shrink Wrapping Her Baby Fat. She’s A Maniac Alright.Wednesday, March 27th, 2013
When you look this good in a leotard, then maybe you can tell me how to Boom Boom Pow. Got it?
Trust me, honey. One more twirl and you’ll be tighter than a stick of Canton’s best beef jerky.
All I’m saying is that if nobody claims that Chippendales blow up doll back there, he’s going home with Mama tonight.
Now that’s what I’m talking about, Girl. Rock On, Jill!
OhMyGod. I forgot to take the saran wrap off my a** before I left the house. Make this day be over.
Seriously, Mom. Your new boyfriend over there is totally creeping me out.
So you swear we’re not filming this now, right? Lawd.
Suck it in, people.
Put on your welder’s helmet and wrap your jiggly jelly junk in saran wrap, because Dance Moms is going on the fat-free Flashdance diet.
Summer’s coming, so this week everyone shrink wrapped their cellulite and their krazy into one tightly packed sausage link of lunacy to try and get ready for the beach…and for Broadway…and it went just about as well as you would expect it would go.
Gotta love those Moms.
After wiping the PowerHouse floor with all the other dance studios at last week’s competition, Abby Lee Miller was already looking forward to the next stop in her ALDC Back On Top World Domination Tour. Coming off a few really…reeeeeallly…bad showings over the past month or so, it was nice to be playing with the Big Dawgs again.
But first, as always, we had to check out the latest How Can We Stick It To Brooke Or Paige Or Both This Week? Pyramid of Shame.
The bottom row was reserved for Brooke, Mackenzie, Nia and Kendall.
As you’ll remember from the end of last week’s Rosa Parks tribute group dance, Brooke had slipped into some alternate reality where she believed that she was actually getting on a state funded public transportation vehicle and had completely stopped dancing and just stood there holding a hand strap waiting for the 39 bus to get to her stop.
Basically, she forgot the routine. Which was bad enough.
But then she went and talked to Rosa/Nia, who was hogging the good seat. And a white girl making small talk at the front of the bus during a Rosa Parks tribute dance just didn’t work very well within the basic plot structure of the story line, so Abby had no choice but to send Brooke to the back of the Pyramid. All the way back, please.
As a double whammy, Abby then announced that she felt Brooke needed a break from all this dance stuff. Dismissed, soldier.
Brooke got booted off the team for the week, which meant she probably had another dance or football game or Instagram upload or sleepover at some BFFs house already in her iPhone calendar. So she was sent out the side door, with instructions to attend her normal dance classes but not come anywhere near the the Dream Team.
Mackadoodle was on the bottom because she didn’t sit still in her wheelchair last week and let her foot heal. Nia did great as Rosa Parks, and Abby was extremely proud of her, but already knowing that Maddie was going to be on the top again this week basically just pushed all the other salmon downstream a little. Which probably explained why Kendall was also down there, considering that she had kept up with all her rubber face exercises just like she was told to do.
Middle Earth was held down by Chloe and Paige, thanks to their duet. And then blah blah blah…Maddie on top.
This week the gang was headed to another Dance Xpressions Competition in Grand Rapids, Michigan, which meant another week of those ghetto fab flashing onstage light towers. Great.
You know, I’m starting to think that maybe the people at Dance Xpressions don’t actually read my website and take my suggestions to heart. Whatever. Don’t come crying to me when some little toddler goes into a full seizure because your Spencer Gifts strobe lights aren’t timed to the music.
Because I’ll totally say I Told You So.
Kendall got another solo this week. Now that she had mastered The Face, it was time to work on The Stamina. Starting immediately I guess, as Abby made the poor little thing jog in place while she assigned the rest of the dances. Chloe also scored another solo, and then to shake it up a little, Abby paired Maddie and Mackawhacka on a duet.
The group number was called Gold Digger, so you just knew it would call for some serious Bob Fosse jazz hands.
And who better to Boom Boom Pow some Broadway moves than a brassy Broadway Babe? Smells like a guest choreographer to me.
Ladies & Gentlemen, check your programs. Entering stage right…Rachelle Rak, from the national touring company of Flashdance.
What a Feeling.
Bitch was all hair and high cut leotard. And the Moms were totally jealz. I’m pretty sure that at least two of them actually gained five pounds in the Mom Perch just from watching Rachelle strip off her coat and drop it like it was hot on the studio floor.
Her nickname ain’t “Sass” for nuthin.
Granted, she was no Shangela (…“Laquifa Whaaaaat?”…) but she could still Werk.
After less than 30 seconds of watching all that toned Sass A** roll around, Kelly realized that the Moms needed to immediately spit out that Burger King and report to her house asap for an emergency body wrap party.
Body Wrap? That’s the spa treatment all the fancy people do where they stick those toxin-sucking Icy Hot pads on your meaty portions, squish it together like Thanksgiving leftovers and then let you sit around drinking Skinny Girl cocktails while all your bad life choices melt away.
Luckily, Kelly knew someone with an industrial sized roll of wrap, and all the Moms reported for duty.
Melissa and Jill got the full Mummy Tummy wrap. Everyone had just found out that Melissa had gotten secretly married last Monday (…“Melissa Whaaaaat?”…) and they were all still a little miffed, so I think that secretly they were all hoping the process would cut off her fat and her oxygen.
And even though you might think that they had wasted an entire afternoon shopping for wedding dresses with Melissa last week, they got to drink wine and champagne, and we all know that any day a Dance Mom can get some liquor in her system is a good day.
Christi shriny-dinked her arm flaps while Kelly went behind the kitchen counter to drop trou and work on her butt fat out of our direct line of vision.
Memo to Self: Never eat leftovers at Kelly’s house.
At least Doctor Holly was able to salvage a small slice of her dignity by opting for a simple facial detox, which only required her to don a strange Hannibal Lector-ish freshly skinned White Face.
Maybe the whole Rosa Parks thing is still a little too fresh in my mind. I just can’t.
With all the fat now sucked out, it was time to really focus on the upcoming competition.
Rachelle had already left to do some Flashdancing somewhere, so Abby wasted no time in changing up her choreography. Cleaning it up, she said. Because Abby’s a control freak, and that’s what control freaks do. They clean stuff up.
Her first note (…that’s how they talk on Broadway…) was to cut MackAttack completely out the group routine, because after three seasons Abby suddenly realized that the kid was a foot shorter than the other girls and it was messing with the camera guy’s head.
And then she made Chloe cry. Because that’s also what control freaks do. They clean stuff up and make kids cry.
Finally, it was Showtime!
I swear. Every week the ALDC arrival at the venue gets more and more like that long walk to the WWE Ring. Screaming audience members. Flashbulbs. Poster board signs. People passing out from the heat.
Mark my words…by Season 4 there will be flame throwers and a fog machine. And the ALDC logo will probably come down from the rafters, totally against school district fire codes, all made out of Fourth of July sparklers.
You heard it here first.
Backstage in the Makeup Room and Holding Pen, it was the usual chaos.
Kendall’s solo was a Roaring ’20s kind of thing to test her stamina. The goal was to dance as hard and as fast as she could until she either passed out or the cops came to bust the nightclub for serving alcohol during Prohibition. The poor hyperventilating little thing was giving Face like it was her day job in one of her run throughs, but when Abby caught her just lounging around she insisted that she go and sit on the wall like they do at CrossFit gyms.
Jill had some issues with that and got right up in Abby’s grill. Losing all those belly toxins seemed to have put her a little on edge this week. But still, nobody would address the Elephant in the Room.
That inflatable Chippendales doll that was just hanging around in the background.
I know, right?
Didn’t anyone notice him just chillin’ like a villain back there? Thank gawd it wasn’t the really nasty kind with the round mouth that you can get freaky with. But still.
Seriously. Sometimes I just love this show so much I get a nose bleed.
Mackayacka and Maddie’s duet went really well, despite nobody having a growth spurt on the bus ride to Grand Rapids. They took First Place. So there.
Chloe’s solo was all Joan Jett rocker chick with rocker chick hair and rocker chick tongue and those two fingered rocker chick gangster hand symbols.
Mom taught her those right before she went on stage, because Mom liked the tongue.
So did Chloe apparently, who got so excited that she flipped off the audience at the end of her dance like she was exiting a concert to go smoke weed in her tour bus.
Yeah. Abby didn’t like that one bit. Even though she scored First Place. Not one bit.
Backstage, Rachelle showed up again, because it seems that the ALDC bus also doubles as a Flashdance transport and they had a matinee in town. What are the chances?
Abby had to break it to Sass that most of her choreography had been changed due to the height restrictions on Gold Diggers. Say whaa–?!
And then the whole thing turned into Diva vs. Double D Diva.
It didn’t go well at all.
Rachelle put MackJack back into the routine while Abby rolled her eyes so hard I thought they would get stuck up there somewhere. The one thing control freaks don’t do is actually give up control. Ever.
And then as soon as things were significantly stirred up, Rachelle scooted out for another matinee and Abby just sat there all Whatever Whatever. Jill tried to get her to make some decisions since it was her team and her reputation that was about to go on stage. But nothing.
And still…nobody noticed that the front release valve on that Chippendales dude had developed a slow leak.
Then everybody went on stage to dig for some gold. And found it. First Place!
Naturally, Abby spun the whole thing into the years and years of training that the girls had received at the ALDC. That’s why they won. It had nothing to do with Rachelle’s big hair or big attitude or big dancing or little leotard.
There was just enough time left for Abby to nitpick on Kendall for rehearsing in the wings where she could be seen by the audience. And the whole Chloe gang sign thing, of course.
And then it was over.
Until next week.
When this totally happens…
Boom. Boom. Pow.