Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms PowerHouse Dance Competition Cincinnati OH’

Dance Moms: Just A Small Town Girl On A Saturday Night Shrink Wrapping Her Baby Fat. She’s A Maniac Alright.

Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

 

 

When you look this good in a leotard, then maybe you can tell me how to Boom Boom Pow. Got it?

 

 

 

 

Trust me, honey. One more twirl and you’ll be tighter than a stick of Canton’s best beef jerky.

 

 

 

 

All I’m saying is that if nobody claims that Chippendales blow up doll back there, he’s going home with Mama tonight.

 

 

 

 

Now that’s what I’m talking about, Girl. Rock On, Jill!

 

 

 

 

 

OhMyGod. I forgot to take the saran wrap off my a** before I left the house. Make this day be over.

 

 

 

 

Seriously, Mom. Your new boyfriend over there is totally creeping me out.

 

 

 

 

 

So you swear we’re not filming this now, right? Lawd.

 

 

 

Suck it in, people.

Put on your welder’s helmet and wrap your jiggly jelly junk in saran wrap, because Dance Moms is going on the fat-free Flashdance diet.

Summer’s coming, so this week  everyone shrink wrapped their cellulite and their krazy into one tightly packed sausage link of lunacy to try and get ready for the beach…and for Broadway…and it went just about as well as you would expect it would go.

Gotta love those Moms.

After wiping the PowerHouse floor with all the other dance studios at last week’s competition, Abby Lee Miller was already looking forward to the next stop in her ALDC Back On Top World Domination Tour.  Coming off a few really…reeeeeallly…bad showings over the past month or so, it was nice to be playing with the Big Dawgs again.

But first, as always, we had to check out the latest How Can We Stick It To Brooke Or Paige Or Both This Week? Pyramid of Shame.

The bottom row was reserved for Brooke, Mackenzie, Nia and Kendall.

As you’ll remember from the end of last week’s Rosa Parks tribute group dance, Brooke had slipped into some alternate reality where she believed that she was actually getting on a state funded public transportation vehicle and had completely stopped dancing and just stood there holding a hand strap waiting for the 39 bus to get to her stop.

Basically, she forgot the routine.  Which was bad enough.

But then she went and talked to Rosa/Nia, who was hogging the good seat.  And a white girl making small talk at the front of the bus during a Rosa Parks tribute dance just didn’t work very well within the basic plot structure of the story line, so Abby had no choice but to send Brooke to the back of the Pyramid.  All the way back, please.

As a double whammy, Abby then announced that she felt Brooke needed a break from all this dance stuff.  Dismissed, soldier.

Brooke got booted off the team for the week, which meant she probably had another dance or football game or Instagram upload or sleepover at some BFFs house already in her iPhone calendar.  So she was sent out the side door, with instructions to attend her normal dance classes  but not come anywhere near the the Dream Team.

Mackadoodle was on the bottom because she didn’t sit still in her wheelchair last week and let her foot heal.  Nia did great as Rosa Parks, and Abby was extremely proud of her, but already knowing that Maddie was going to be on the top again this week basically just pushed all the other salmon downstream a little.  Which probably explained why Kendall was also down there, considering that she had kept up with all her rubber face exercises just like she was told to do.

Middle Earth was held down by Chloe and Paige, thanks to their duet.  And then blah blah blah…Maddie on top.

This week the gang was headed to another Dance Xpressions Competition in Grand Rapids, Michigan, which meant another week of those ghetto fab flashing onstage light towers.  Great.

You know, I’m starting to think that maybe the people at Dance Xpressions don’t actually read my website and take my suggestions to heart.  Whatever.  Don’t come crying to me when some little toddler goes into a full seizure because your Spencer Gifts strobe lights aren’t timed to the music.

Because I’ll totally say I Told You So.

Kendall got another solo this week.  Now that she had mastered The Face, it was time to work on The Stamina.  Starting immediately I guess, as Abby made the poor little thing jog in place while she assigned the rest of the dances.  Chloe also scored another solo, and then to shake it up a little, Abby paired Maddie and Mackawhacka on a duet.

The group number was called Gold Digger, so you just knew it would call for some serious Bob Fosse jazz hands.

And who better to Boom Boom Pow some Broadway moves than a brassy Broadway Babe?  Smells like a guest choreographer to me.

Ladies & Gentlemen, check your programs.  Entering stage right…Rachelle Rak, from the national touring company of Flashdance.

What a Feeling.

Bitch was all hair and high cut leotard.  And the Moms were totally jealz.  I’m pretty sure that at least two of them actually gained five pounds in the Mom Perch just from watching Rachelle strip off her coat and drop it like it was hot on the studio floor.

Her nickname ain’t “Sass” for nuthin.

Granted, she was no Shangela (…“Laquifa Whaaaaat?”…) but she could still Werk.

After less than 30 seconds of watching all that toned Sass A** roll around, Kelly realized that the Moms needed to immediately spit out that Burger King and report to her house asap for an emergency body wrap party.

Body Wrap?  That’s the spa treatment all the fancy people do where they stick those toxin-sucking Icy Hot pads on your meaty portions, squish it together like Thanksgiving leftovers and then let you sit around drinking Skinny Girl cocktails while all your bad life choices melt away.

Luckily, Kelly knew someone with an industrial sized roll of wrap, and all the Moms reported for duty.

Melissa and Jill got the full Mummy Tummy wrap.  Everyone had just found out that Melissa had gotten secretly married last Monday (…“Melissa Whaaaaat?”…) and they were all still a little miffed, so I think that secretly they were all hoping the process would cut off her fat and her oxygen.

And even though you might think that they had wasted an entire afternoon shopping for wedding dresses with Melissa last week, they got to drink wine and champagne, and we all know that any day a Dance Mom can get some liquor in her system is a good day.

Christi shriny-dinked her arm flaps while Kelly went behind the kitchen counter to drop trou and work on her butt fat out of our direct line of vision.

Memo to Self:  Never eat leftovers at Kelly’s house.

At least Doctor Holly was able to salvage a small slice of her dignity by opting for a simple facial detox, which only required her to don a strange Hannibal Lector-ish freshly skinned White Face.

Maybe the whole Rosa Parks thing is still a little too fresh in my mind.  I just can’t.

With all the fat now sucked out, it was time to really focus on the upcoming competition.

Rachelle had already left to do some Flashdancing somewhere, so Abby wasted no time in changing up her choreography.  Cleaning it up, she said.  Because Abby’s a control freak, and that’s what control freaks do.  They clean stuff up.

Her first note (…that’s how they talk on Broadway…) was to cut MackAttack completely out the group routine, because after three seasons Abby suddenly realized that the kid was a foot shorter than the other girls and it was messing with the camera guy’s head.

And then she made Chloe cry.  Because that’s also what control freaks do.  They clean stuff up and make kids cry.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I swear.  Every week the ALDC arrival at the venue gets more and more like that long walk to the WWE Ring.  Screaming audience members.  Flashbulbs.  Poster board signs.  People passing out from the heat.

Mark my words…by Season 4 there will be flame throwers and a fog machine.  And the ALDC logo will probably come down from the rafters, totally against school district fire codes, all made out of Fourth of July sparklers.

You heard it here first.

Backstage in the Makeup Room and Holding Pen, it was the usual chaos.

Kendall’s solo was a Roaring ’20s kind of thing to test her stamina.  The goal was to dance as hard and as fast as she could until she either passed out or the cops came to bust the nightclub for serving alcohol during Prohibition.  The poor hyperventilating little thing was giving Face like it was her day job in one of her run throughs, but when Abby caught her just lounging around she insisted that she go and sit on the wall like they do at CrossFit gyms.

Jill had some issues with that and got right up in Abby’s grill.  Losing all those belly toxins seemed to have put her a little on edge this week.  But still, nobody would address the Elephant in the Room.

That inflatable Chippendales doll that was just hanging around in the background.

I know, right?

Didn’t anyone notice him just chillin’ like a villain back there?  Thank gawd it wasn’t the really nasty kind with the round mouth that you can get freaky with.  But still.

Seriously.  Sometimes I just love this show so much I get a nose bleed.

Mackayacka and Maddie’s duet went really well, despite nobody having a growth spurt on the bus ride to Grand Rapids.  They took First Place.  So there.

Chloe’s solo was all Joan Jett rocker chick with rocker chick hair and rocker chick tongue and those two fingered rocker chick gangster hand symbols.

Mom taught her those right before she went on stage, because Mom liked the tongue.

So did Chloe apparently, who got so excited that she flipped off the audience at the end of her dance like she was exiting a concert to go smoke weed in her tour bus.

Yeah.  Abby didn’t like that one bit.  Even though she scored First Place.  Not one bit.

Backstage, Rachelle showed up again, because it seems that the ALDC bus also doubles as a Flashdance transport and they had a matinee in town.  What are the chances?

Abby had to break it to Sass that most of her choreography had been changed due to the height restrictions on Gold Diggers.  Say whaa–?!

And then the whole thing turned into Diva vs. Double D Diva.

It didn’t go well at all.

Rachelle put MackJack back into the routine while Abby rolled her eyes so hard I thought they would get stuck up there somewhere.  The one thing control freaks don’t do is actually give up control.  Ever.

And then as soon as things were significantly stirred up, Rachelle scooted out for another matinee and Abby just sat there all Whatever Whatever.  Jill tried to get her to make some decisions since it was her team and her reputation that was about to go on stage.  But nothing.

And still…nobody noticed that the front release valve on that Chippendales dude had developed a slow leak.

Then everybody went on stage to dig for some gold.  And found it.  First Place!

Naturally, Abby spun the whole thing into the years and years of training that the girls had received at the ALDC.  That’s why they won.  It had nothing to do with Rachelle’s big hair or big attitude or big dancing or little leotard.

Nope.

There was just enough time left for Abby to nitpick on Kendall for rehearsing in the wings where she could be seen by the audience.  And the whole Chloe gang sign thing, of course.

And then it was over.

Until next week.

When this totally happens…

Boom.  Boom.  Pow.

Dance Moms: If You Wanna Be The Apple Of Her Eye, You Better Push It And Throw It And Fix That Face.

Wednesday, March 20th, 2013

 

 

And then one day Mom walked in with that whacky new haircut, and I was all like “Oh. Hell. No.”

 

 

 

 

 

Perfect. Now you can eat your candy and rob a 7-11 at the same time, Baby.

 

 

 

 

 

Lawd. Even my girls in the ‘hood ain’t as cray as this bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

Check it out, Momz. “It’s fun to stay at the Y…M…C…A…!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Umm. Yeah. She’s what I like to call A Bit Of A Handful.

 

 

 

 

 

I told ‘em this dance was gonna be good practice for when Sasha Nia has her own tour bus. ‘kay?

 

 

 

 

 

Rosa Parks? Phfffft. My Baby got this.

 

 

 

 

Ok, people.

Start working on your Excited Face, cuz the Boyz are back in town.

Dance Moms put all their Krazy in one apple bushel this week with the return of Super Villain Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her assortment of Evil Dance Lair minions, all back to strike fear into the hearts of everyone at the Abby Lee Dance Company.

That’s right.  Ohio ain’t just cows and jerky anymore.

It’s also the home of boy bands, cry baby beat boxers, bootlegged Gangnam Style choreography and loose cannon Dance Dads.

The kind of Dance Dads who, if there really is a Reality God, will soon get their own Spike TV spin-off show where they’ll attend Argentine Tango rehearsals, chest bump each other like their kid just kicked a winning field goal and then show us all how to drain the oil out of a Harley.

And then do a fist pump with finger fireworks, of course.  Boo-yeah!

Get your face ready for a two hour Abbypalooza.

After pulling in a 7th place showing at last week’s competition, Abby Lee Miller needed to figure out what was broken with her ALDC machine…and then fix it.  Fast.  But not before the Hmm I Wonder Where Brooke And Paige Will Be This Week? Pyramid of Shame.  Because rules are still rules, even when it’s super-sized.

Mackenzie and her wheelchair were rolled right to the bottom row.  No surprise.  She probably shouldn’t have done all those somersaults when she was supposed to be rehabbing in the chair like an avalanche victim.  Busted.  KenzieBenzie was benched for this week’s competition.  Thanks for playing.

Brooke and Paige were also on the first floor of the Pyramid.  I’m fairly certain that their photos are now superglued to the mirror just so Mom Kelly can flip out every week.

Little Cabbage Patch Chloe was finally back on the wall.  On the bottom…but you gotta start somewhere.  Suspension was suspended, so to speak.

I had originally planned on playing my favorite drinking game this week where I take a shot every time Mom Christi rolls her eyes or makes a face, but I knew with a two hour episode ahead of me that I’d never make it to the end credits if I started in on the Tequila during Pyramid.

It was clear that Christi and her Stretch Armstrong face would have me flat on the floor before the first of what I swear were 217 Client List commercials this week, so I figured I’d better play it safe and stick to Diet Coke just in case I needed to operate heavy machinery or tie my own shoes in the morning.

Second row was all about Maddie and Kendall.  And Kendall’s new and improved Pittsburgh Galleria Glamour Shots 8×10.

Christi may hold the title for Most Contorted Cartoon Faces, but Doctor Holly will always be Numero Uno when it comes to the WTF? Face.  

Sometimes I’m so inspired by Holly that I just need to slap somebody.

When Abby revealed the new headshot, Holly was all OhNoSheDin’t and OhJillYouSoCrazy and ExcuseMeButIMustHaveMissedTheNewHeadShotMemo.  

All Face.  Someday when there are no rehearsals, Holly just needs to go downtown, hang out a second floor apartment window and yell at the neighbors all day.

Hey, Jackée!  Sup, Girl?

Seriously.  If Holly ever gets tired of being a principal and a Dance Mom, she needs to just sign up for RuPaul’s Drag Race and throw shade until someone’s duct tape pops off.  Bitch is fierce.  Feee-errrssss.  Snap.  Love.  Her.

On top was Diva Nia, which was perfect timing given the theme of this week’s group dance.  A tribute to Civil Rights Activist Rosa Parks, complete with bus seats and big church hats.  A role that Nia was born to dance.

Everyone was excited for Nia.  Except Jill.  Naturally, she didn’t see why Kendall couldn’t take on the lead character, even though I’m fairly certain that kind of vaudeville makeup is pretty much deemed politically incorrect in this day and age.

Oh, Jill.  Mammy, how I love you.

Holly was also pretty excited that Abby had finally come up with something for Nia that didn’t involve an afro pick and platform shoes, and knew she’d kill it on stage.

In one last Hyland Family slam before rehearsals kicked in, Abby allowed Chloe and Paige to duet together this week…since Chloe had now slipped down to Paige’s level of dancing.

Slam.  The.  Front.  Door.  And cue another Kelly flip out.

Then we were off to Ohio and the Candy Apples.  Even if you were out of the room getting snacks at the time (…hey, two hours is a long haul…) you could tell it was Ohio by the Drive-In movie music and the cow moo.  Every time we went back there…another cow.  Is that the State Animal or something?

I don’t know where Cathy buys her clothes.  Don’t ask.  That’s a whole other blog post.

Using her state-of-the-art Apple TV Pyramid, Cathy unveiled Brandon, Gino and newbie Nick on the monitor.  Just to clarify, this was a different Nick from last week’s dreamboat, giggle-inducing Pittsburgh Vampire Nick.  While I’m sure that all Nicks are dreamy in their own right, but this one has yet to prove that he can make Maddie swallow her gum.  So the jury is still out right now.

The top spot was reserved for beat boxer Jalen, who head spun his way to the top of the Apple Tree this week and scored himself a Chippendale’s solo at the competition, complete with tear-away outfit changes and a police bayonet.

The Dads all high fived on that one and then got down to rehearsing.

Back in PA, Abby took time out to take Holly shopping, because during Pyramid she felt that the Doctor needed a makeover.

The whole scene should probably have been saved for the Bonus Footage DVD, but it was fun to watch Jill tag along and try to convince Abby that Kendall could play Rosa Parks with the right wig and some Louboutin shoe polish.

Oh, Jill.

Then it was back to the Land of Jerky again, as Cathy tried to keep little Vivi-Anne from feeling neglected.  Since creating her all-male revue and booting her own daughter off the stage, Cathy was having trouble finding things to keep Vivi-Anne occupied while the boys were rehearsing that didn’t include ice cream or Pop Rocks.

Ok.  Since no one else will say it, I will.

Vivi-Anne needs her own show.  There.  I own it now.

If not her own show, then at least strap one of those GoPro helmet cams from Best Buy onto her head and just unleash her into the Wild.

I mean.  Come on.  I just can’t.  She is comedy gold.

Mom tried private ballet lessons, where we found out that Viv can’t stand on her toes without a barre even though her Mom owns a dance studio.  And then Cathy took her to the costume shop as a human mannequin so she could give Jalen’s stripper clothes a test run.

Cathy even dressed her up in what I can only describe as a Wall Street Terrorist Chic, complete with business suit, camouflage beanie and one of those handkerchiefs that you put over your face so you don’t pass out when the nerve gas starts leaking through the office air vents.

What the Hell?  Work it.  Push it.  Throw it, Baby.

I would totally DVR The Vivi-Anne Show.  It would be like I Love Lucy.  But on Nicklodeon or late night cable access.  We could watch Vivi-Anne get stuck in cement or work a chocolate conveyor belt or put on a Vegas Showgirl headdress and fall down some stairs.

I would probably quit my job if Vivi-Anne ever filmed a Vegameatavitamin commercial.

Honestly, during the next scene where Cathy had repainted the outside of her building with giant red back-to-school apples and the boys all hooted Vivi-Anne into doing some crazy a** Monkey Dance at the ribbon cutting ceremony, I literally had to go next door and borrow my neighbor’s inhaler.

Come on, Lifetime.  Don’t let this dream die.

Back at the ALDC, Kendall was working on her Face.  A lot.  Like they do in acting class during the Lightening Round.  Scream out an emotion.  Show me Face.

Have you ever seen a photo of the Pixar cartoonists studios where they have a million different facial expressions all pinned up on their bulletin boards to use as reference for the Monsters Inc sequel?  Scared!  Happy!  Confused!  Seizure!

It was like that.  But with a really, really big flower on her head.

Then all of the sudden we were in Ohio again.  I was losing track.

Choreographer Anthony Burrell, last seen on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, was now in Cow Country biting the hand that fed him.  Yup.  Cheating on Abby.

Cathy bragged that Anthony had worked with Beyoncé and hundreds of other music video booty poppers.  And now Candy Apples.  That must have been a slippery slope.

And he’s Tough Love.  Because he don’t treat Boyz like Girlz.  He even made little Jalen kinda sorta cry, though at the time nobody realized that JBoy seems to do that a lot lately.  Anthony and Cathy even went head to head on teaching technique until he realized that White People are Just Crazy and put himself into Time Out before he slapped the bitch out of her.

After telling one of the Dads that Cathy was straight up trippin’, Anthony came back out and it kind of looked like he had been in the diner bathroom from Happy Days.

I can’t explain why.  But it just did.

Finally, it was Showtime.  Or at least the bus ride to the show.

Nia, who had officially been given the title role, gave an impromptu poster board lesson on Rosa Parks.  And then Jill gave a pre-planned jewelry store lesson on Butt Kissing by hauling out yet another gift to Abby as a token of her brown nosing and appreciation for Kendall’s solo.

Yeah.  Holly made that face again.

Then, finally it was Showtime.  PowerHouse Dance Competition in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Which is somehow related by marriage to In10sity Dance Competition, because they sorta share a website and those damn flashing light towers.

Seriously.  If I can’t have The Vivi-Anne Show, can we get rid of those things?  Or at least buy the software to synch them up to the music?  Please?

Abby still didn’t like Holly’s wardrobe and made her go out back and change into new clothes that she had purchased for the Doctor.  The Strong Nubian Princess Doctor apparently, because Holly came back out looking pretty Fly, in a strange Debbie Allen meets the Mom on The Cosby Show kind of way.  Mama Frazier looked good, all zebra printed up like Maya Angelou wearing something from Tyra Banks‘ closet.

Did I mention how much I love Holly?  Rachel Zoe would say she looked Maj Gorg.

Then there was some actual dancing.

Jalen was supposed to come out as a cop, and then pull some clothes off and turn into what I think was a waiter or pizza maker, and then tear his apron off and turn into a businessman.  At least that was the plan.

Unfortunately, the little tyke got all twisted up in his ripcord and it didn’t really happen, so he ended up falling off the music and then storming off stage in a Baby Kanye huff.

I’mma let the ALDC finish, but I was robbed!

Not sure why one of the other dudes chased him down the hall and not his own Dad, so that was a little odd and creepy at the same time.  But JBoy pulled his shizzle together in time to join the other Boyeeez for the Candy Apples version of Gangnam Style.

Paige and Chloe were way more substance than fabric, but they worked those skimpy outfits like it was their day job and ended up in First Place for duets, along with Maddie and her First Place street urchin solo.

Things were looking up.

The Rosa Parks number was pretty powerful, except for the very end when Brooke momentarily thought that she was actually getting on real public transportation and completely forgot to keep dancing as she searched an imaginary pocketbook for her bus pass.  But the judges overlooked it and handed out yet another First Place trophy to the ALDC, much to Cathy’s dismay.

Candy Gangnam only made it to Second Place.  But Kelly made it all the way up into Jalen’s Dad’s Face, which was even more important as the two of them threw down over his One Trick Pony son.

Yeah.  She went there.

And Cathy brought bodyguards.  Two of them.  With earpieces.  Presumably so they could listen to the ballgame while Cathy blew another nutty.

It was Dance Moms Krazy.  Super-sized for your viewing pleasure.

And don’t even get me started on why the emcee was wearing a doo rag under his H&M hat.  Who does that?

Couldn’t even hide my shock on that one.

I need to go put on my big church hat and work on muh muh muh my Poker Face.


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