Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Private Eyes’

Dance Moms: Locked And Loaded. It’s Target Practice Time At The Abby Lee Dance Company, And There’s A Big Target On Jill’s Back. Bullets & Ballet.

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012




Check it out. The ricochet alone will take out at least two Moms and a window.





Oh no, she did not. Did she just aim that thing at my poof?






I saw on Facebook that junior high boys love the bad girls.






Just shoot me. When did all my tuition money end up going to the NRA?





MmmHmm. I could spend all day watching white people try to be gangstah.



And what did we learn on Dance Moms this week, kids?

Aside from questionable methods of beating choreography into a young girl’s brain, I mean.

Glad you asked.

We learned that you should always aim high when setting your goals…and aim your shotgun even higher.

If you can’t shoot to kill, at least shoot to win.

After seemingly endless months of jet setting around the country with everything but crayons and homework in tow, Abby Lee Miller and her pee wee dancers were finally staying local.  The Hollywood Vibe Dance Competition was landing in their own Pittsburgh backyard, so no one had to check Priceline for bus tickets this week.  Having the Competition on their home turf, though easier on the travel budget, definately ramped up the expectations and drama…as well as the volume.

Jill’s hair was also pretty ramped up now that you mention it, but it’s almost to be expected after all this time.  I’m really staring to think that the angrier she gets, the more she must go home and take it out on her teasing comb, because there were a couple of poofs that would have blocked your view from the back seat on her Carpool Day.

But that’s pretty irrelevant to plot development, so we’ll just tease it, spray it and move on if that’s ok.

As you know by now, All Things Dance must always begin with the Pyramid of Shame, better known as the Even When Maddie Is At The Bottom It Doesn’t Really Mean That She Is Pyramid.

Each week Abby seems to blow through the process quicker than she used to, so I’m thinking the novelty is wearing off.

Smiley Jack-O-Lantern Mackenzie was way down on the bottom, after leading last week at the top.  First to Worst, as Abby gently pointed out, much to Mom Melissa’s irritation.

Poor little Mack.  I’m pretty sure the humiliation and stress caused another tooth to fall out at that very moment, and she only has about 7 left in her mouth so that made me sad.  Once she gets out of that puppy stage and her body catches up with her big head, she is going to be a hoot.  We love her.

Sassy Nia was once again on the bottom, which is starting to tick me off.  Mom Holly got her Whatchoo Talkin’ Bout Willis face on, but continued to stand her ground against Abby’s obsessive mission to sneak a Satchmo song into every one of Nia’s performances.  LaQuifa Whaaaat?!

Kendall was still stuck right next to Nia on the bottom row, thanks to last week’s Jillapalooza.  Between trying to sneak an expensive costume into the competition as “homemade,” non stop screaming, wearing a ridiculously inexpensive State Fair cowboy hat and hysterically flinging a shoe across the room, Jill pretty much sealed Kendall’s fate this week.

Honey.  Your Mom is a Whackadoodle.  Run.  Fast.  And Far.

And in a shocker that could rival a Dynasty season finale, Maddie found herself on the bottom tier as well, due to the fact that she fell during last week’s gymnasium performance.  Abby wanted to use the Pyramid as a Teaching Moment and as a challenge to Maddie to get better.

I don’t really know any dancer who makes a concerted effort to face plant at every recital, so I’m pretty sure Maddie is going to try and do better regardless of where her headshot ends up on the mirror.  But there’s no arguing with Abby.

Chloe and Brooke were one row higher.  Cutie Patootie Chloe’s eyes are still really close together and Brooke still mopes a lot, so no big doin’s on the second tier.

The news flash was at the top of the Pyramid, where Paige finally landed.  First time evah! Paige and the girls had a major spaz attack which made me smile.

This week’s group number was a Private Eyes super sleuth detective kind of dance.

Basically a James Bond  Goldfinger kind of thing, but since they are all little girls there was going to be more Gold and less Finger.  To keep the number edgy and current, Abby was also adding some guns into the routine, since we all know that firearms in school is trending on Twitter.

That got the reaction that “I am going to have your 10 year old pistol whip the competition” always seems to get from a Mom.  You could catch some serious flies with all the wide open Mom mouths when Abby let that cat out of the bag.

Maddie, Chloe and Paige were the line up for the Trio number, which meant that Kendall got knocked off the number and Jill got yet another opportunity to toss some attitude in yet another furry Rachel Zoe vest. I would love to see her closet.  It must look like she’s backstage at The Muppet Show.

Once rehearsals started and the Moms made it up to the Mom Booth, it didn’t take long for the snarky to come out.

Everyone got up in the Jill Grill again as they dissed her never ending attempts at buying Abby’s affection and loyalty with bus trips gifts, and explained again how no newbie gets to come into the Mom Clique and pee all over the seats without putting in some hard time first.

Apparently you don’t want to throw down the Gift Challenge to a Real Housewife of Pittsburgh, because the next day Jill walked in with park bench for the front lobby doorway, complete with a plant and a plaque from Things Remembered at the Mall.

I’m not going to lie.  I’m kind of obsessed with that odd Boy Toy that followed Jill around everywhere as they set up the bench like it was going in the Smithsonian.  Who was that Miss Thing with the faux hawk?  He looked like he was going to Idol auditions and got snagged by Jill in the parking lot to help unload the bench from the Hummer.  He was totally unexpected, but quite enjoyable.

The bench set off another round of Jill Bashing and “Diva…Table for One” snarkisms, which were almost as entertaining as the dude with the faux hawk.  Again, I have to say that the madder Jill gets, the bigger her hair gets.  There has to be some kind of scientific explanation.

The group number rehearsals went better than the Trio number, that’s for sure.

Paige couldn’t quite get it together, and Abby basically ripped her a new one, which sent Kelly down into the rehearsal studio to pull her daughter away before Abby bit her in the throat.  As Paige cried and tried to regroup, Abby rambled on about irresponsible dancers, irresponsible mothers and irresponsible Stupid Is As Stupid Does people.  Abby also got a White Trash zinger in there as Kelly and Paige left for the night.  Everyone was pooped from screaming at each other, so they called it a night and headed home.

Side note…Abby is either using her front desk as a hamster cage or somebody has no idea how to file paperwork.  The whole thing was so covered in receipts, post its, message pads and scrap paper that it had to have been in violation of at least three Pennsylvania fire codes.  Check it out next time.

The next day after some sleep, everyone was back for more rehearsing and more Jill Drama.  They should have known when she came back in and her hair was bigger that you don’t want to mess with the woman today.  But they did anyway.  Like poking a sleeping lion, I tell you.

Jill didn’t understand how being a total Diva Bitch, screaming, threatening to leave, leaving, screaming, coming back, screaming some more and throwing a shoe could have any effect on people’s opinions or her daughter’s success at the Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio.  As Jill flailed her hands around and got all Diva Bitch upstairs, Kendall mindlessly hit pause and rewind over and over on the Macbook , playing Mix Master for the Trio.

By the time Kendall had hit the one hour mark sitting on the floor taking up space, Jill decided that enough was enough and stormed downstairs from the Mom Perch.

Not for nothing, but wouldn’t life be much easier on everyone if they just installed a BatPole and let the Moms slide down every time they felt like interfering? Seriously.

Jill wanted her daughter to be productive, swore a little and used the “H” word.

That’s right.  Homework.

Like Abby cares about the Algebra Test tomorrow.

Hit the road, Missy.

And she did.  Again.  Jill likes her dramatic exits.

But don’t you worry…she and Kendall came back the next day for the Hollywood Vibe extravaganza, led by Abby in some crazy big Jackie O sunglasses and a winter coat borrowed from Jill’s own private Muppet Collection.

There was a slight break in the screaming for some actual dancing, which was slightly all over the place.

Maddie and Chloe’s solos were good.  Christi still has the best Proud Mom Face I’ve ever seen.  You just want to bottle it and spritz in around the house on a bad day.  It would smell like warm cupcakes.

The Trio was a little off.  Spacing was off.  Timing was off.  They scored second place, but Abby was quick to point out that only means they were the first losers.  She also pointed out that Paige blew it, and that all the Moms enable their kids to be bad dancers.

Holly busted out another round of Whatchoo Talkin’ Bout Willis and tried to explain to Abby the foreign concept of not belittling children at every opening in the conversation, which went in one ear and out the other so fast it made a breeze in the room.

The Goldfinger Spy Dance rocked the house.

The girls were all getting their Charlie’s Angels on, posing and tossing ‘tood around the stage like they carried sawed offs in their book bags everyday.  Miss Nia was totally getting her freak on.  She is major.

I keep telling you…when those braces come off and she stops going to bed with wet hair, she is gonna be Sasha Fierce.

They won first place.

And then Jill and Abby screamed some more.

Christi and Kelly screamed a little, so they didn’t miss out on all the fun.  Melissa was pretty low key this week, all things considered.  Between little Mack dropping down on the Pyramid this week and Maddie dropping down onto the basketball court hardwood last week, I think she just needs some time to get her mojo back.

Jill and Abby screamed some more.

Then Jill ripped on Abby’s choreography.

Yeah.  She went there.


Bitch is lucky those guns were shooting blanks.

Aim high and reach for the stars, kids.


**Updated Shout Out to those who spanked me for an earlier typo on this post.  Apparently I don’t do my best work at 2am.  

Today I learned that in life it doesn’t matter which Jonas Brother is which, or which Olsen Sister drinks decaf.  But do NOT typo a Dance Mom’s name.  

You just don’t do that.

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