Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Road To Nationals’

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Have A Major BoomKack Panic Attack. Chloe’s Back…And She Brought Mom!

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

 

 

When I heard that Beyoncé’s girl was coming, you know Mama had to go put on her big hair.

 

 

 

 

Did I remember to unfollow that idiot blogger on Twitter? That boy is nothing but a damn fool.

 

 

 

 

 

#GoogleItYo

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I won’t have no regrets when I snatch those braids off her head and rock the TCAs.

 

 

 

 

You know I can see you all up in my business looking at my hair, little girl. Don’t even think it.

 

 

 

 

After I Google that Dance Lady, I need to figure out what the hell ‘OG’ even means. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

#Done.

 

 

 

 

It’s happening.

It’s really happening.

They’re baaaaack.

And for real this time.  I swear.

Spoiler Alert:  Not like this swearing.

Or even this swearing.

But more like #PinkySwear swearing.

Because they’re really back!

Yup.  It was the long awaited return of Chloebird and my #CyberSpiritAnimal this week!  F’realz.

After endlessly looped promos and pop-ups spliced into and onto that new So Sharp show you should totally be watching, Chloe Lukasiak, Mom Christi and the no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara finally made it back home to where they belong: Dance Moms.

Even though they kinda sorta made it back at the end of the first half of whatever number season this is now.  But that was really only long enough for Holly to lose her noodle and Abby to begin a vegan BoyToy diet that I don’t think is even legal in all 50 states.

She made them dress up like farm animals, E I E I Yo.

(And did Kalani really pick up a First Place trophy wearing a pig costume?)

Programming Note:  We’re not even remotely going in the correct episode order if you’re trying to find these bloops on your DVR.  Don’t waste your time.  I’m just trying to get you caught up.

So Chloe and Christi came back at the end of whatever.  But that one didn’t really count, even though it did get a number of tweens pretty wound up and also scored Chloe her own 10 minute weekly TV show where she gets to eat cookies off her face like that dreamy guy from One Direction.#TrueFact: This is how I fell asleep most nights when I was in college.  Don’t judge.

Because right now it’s time for the Big Return.

And a road trip to the UK for Abby Lee Miller

…who was off celebrating her last few weeks of freedom sightseeing with Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills 90210 before returning to face a judge for misplacing all that Aussie Meet & Greet moolah.

Spoiler Alert:  I think we all know how that one ends up.

Hashtag:  Carbo loading before the Big Game.

So now it was back to the ALDC LA for the rest of the gang as they waited for this week’s fill-in choreographer, who Ashlee had called in as a ringer.

Because Ashlee Allen has Beyoncé‘s choreographer’s cell phone on speed dial and you don’t.

Side note:  I bet Ashlee has plenty of extra room on her SIM card for other celebrities now that she unfollowed me on Twitter, right?  Here’s an actual BTS shot of her unfollowing me right in front of everybody else.  Tossing me aside like a pair of last season’s blue jeans that still kinda fit.

Look at how nosey that Kate Gosselin Mom is, tho.

And then this happened.

BoomKack!

SnackAttack!

Laurieann Gibson arrived.

Yes, she is.

And famous.  And she has worked with a ton of famous people.

Who she named.  A number of times.

And if you don’t know who Laurieann is…then Lawd Geezis, you better just Google it asap.

Because she said so.

So I did.  And these two pictures came up.Laurieann Gibson has never been seen in public without a coffee cup.

And it’s true because it’s on the internet and I Googled it.

We love Laurieann.

I mean mad LUV.  Spelled wrong and all in caps.

She’s one of those choreographers who screams and yells and gets all like BoomKack CrackerJack when she’s counting out the beats in the music.  And you better listen or else.

Because she’s a better dancer than you and has way better CGI-animated hair than that lady in the new Inhumans show coming out this fall.

Laurieann has worked with Lady Gaga (…who they showed in a photo…) and Beyoncé, who they did not show in a photo because my Producer boy was so busy photobombing the Moms’ Teens Choice Awards Instagram videos that he forgot to get clearance from Jay Z.

Side note:  I love when they call my boy “Producer” in the subtitles to make it look like Martin Scorsese is responsible for last week’s social edition episode.

Yeah. I kind of am.

Laurieann’s goal was to bring out the best in the girls and break the robotic spell that Abby had placed on them over the years.

Q.  Anyone feel like Abby holds you back?

Side note:  #HollyFace and #HollyHair was on point for the full hour.  It just was.

This week the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition because that’s where they go every other week.  The group routine was entitled “Judgement Day” and would involve the Big Girls walking two Minis on leashes, because why not.

Solos went to Nia, Camryn and that little girl Maesi, who has the best D’oh smile evah.

Her Mom does this to her hair on purpose, BTW.

I don’t know how.  Or why.  But she does.

Nia and Kendall both had breakthroughs getting past some of Abby’s wear and tear…

…and then–

Wait.  What?

AwHellNah.  I don’t think so.

#MomCrush.

Look at Jill trying not to smack that thing right off her stupid head.

I think I need some fresh air after that.

Christi…crack the window, willya?

Yaaaaaas!  They’re really back!

And headed into enemy territory across town at the Murrieta Dance Project.
Which I found to be a little concerning.

Not that I don’t love me some Erin Babbs.  Because I do.

She’s awesome sauce.  And she runs a tight ship over there at the MDP.  Squeaky tight.

They require sewn-in elastic on ballet and pointe shoes (…no wire hangers or tied together footies…) and only give you 5 minutes to fix your hair before rehearsal if you show up a hot a** mess after school.

They also apparently require your Dad to build you a time machine because their current website lists 2015’s holiday hours and a big full page blurb announcing Revue tickets that are going on sale 3 months ago if you click a non-existent link.

Yes.  And I own it.

So aside from the fact the MDP website dress code repeatedly stated boy’s knees needed to be visible so many times that I felt momentarily violated, I was also questioning why Christi’s new car was equipped with one of those fish eye spy cams and if she knew it and why she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

But then I saw the restraining device under all her new hair.  And speaking of…

PLEEEEZ tell me you saw Christi’s social media post the day she was getting her hair did for the Teen Choice Awards.  Look at that dude trying to find a clean spot to eat his lunch on that Table o’ Tracks.

It takes a village.

The only other time I’ve ever seen that much TumbleWeave in one place was two years ago on Black Friday in a Best Buy parking lot.  Cuz I know you didn’t just take that last widescreen plasma and then text my man while I was in line getting a George Foreman and an Amazon Echo Dot.

Alexa.  F*** that bitch up right now.

Q.  Why are all those cars going in so many different directions?  Is she even on the road right now?

And how hilarious is it that she took the long way to MDP just so they could drive by the prison where Abby is going to be staying?  I mean, C’mon.  Set your GPS…I feel some Sunday road trips coming on.

And they don’t allow cameras, so it’s ok to flip the bird out the window, kids.

But I digress.

Erin is awesome and she put Chloe through a rusty private rehearsal and a group routine that got Chloebird a little weepy, but apparently all dance studios have that secret room where all the kids run off to and cry when they wobble out of their turns and feel like New Kids on the Block. I hate seeing kids cry.

Meanwhile, back at the ALDC LA, which is what I think it’s still called until somebody (…Spoiler Alert…) comes and rips all the logos off the brick walls, the three girls were rehearsing their solos.

Nia:  No Regrets.  Maesi:  Black Sheep.  Camryn:  Weight of the World.

All three girls are good and all, but we need to take a minute and remember Nia’s journey.

Do it.  Because she and her Mom are da bomb diggity.  Somebody raised her right.

#FamilyGoals.

BoomKack PaddyWhack Hello Kitty Tic Tac.

And then the four oldest dancers all went for hot chocolate on a 94 degree LA day, which was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things except for the fact that Brynn is literally every white girl on planet Earth when it’s Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte time.

Look at her go.

I would totally DM her Mom and tell her how totes adorbz her kid is, but…you know.  Twitter.

Oh.  And there was also a flashback to when Chloe and Christi left 3 years ago and Chloe was crying and Christi was calling Abby a fat 45 year old which, if you do the math and plus it back up, doesn’t even come close to the age that I bet was on the clipboard when the prison matron took all of Abby’s jewelry and Tupperware.  #DanceMath.

And then with one day to go before competition, this happened.

Same.

Finally, it was Showtime!

#CyberSpiritAnimal Christi showed up wearing the same red coat that Jackie O wore in the Lifetime movie that’s on Netflix this month.  I’m ok with her lifting some presidential couture from the prop room when the guard goes on break.  She looked hot.

#MomCrush Jill showed up wearing those blush pink aviator sunnies that are all the rage at Hot Topic right now.  Cuz she trendy and stuff and Ryleigh won’t even notice they’re missing until the episodes airs and by then it’s too late anyway.  I love Jill so hard.

#UpdateYourWebsite MDP showed up still holding the Vistaprint vinyl banner they’re planning on marching with in last year’s Macy’s parade.  Erin should wear her hair down more often.

#CuzImBeyoncésChoreographer Laurieann showed up praying to Jesus that her styrofoam cup is always full o’ Joe and to give her the strength to not snatch that iPhone out of that little girl’s hand because ain’t nobody shooting her from the backside in this lighting.

BoomKack PepperJack.

#ProveThemWrong Chloe showed up with her new MDP friends but was having some serious ALDC separation anxiety.  It gets better, Peanut.  Just hold on a little longer.

And then I don’t even know what happened.

If you’re a skimmer, the whole scene can be summed up in this one photo:

Jill started screaming at Christi.  Christi started screaming at Jill.  Rinse & Repeat and then air dry.

Kendall never texted Chloe in 3 years.  Oh yes she did.  Oh no she din’t.

Who’s a studio hopper now, Christi?  Who’s a bitch now, Jill?  You’re an OG.  I’m an OG.  You’re not an OG.  You can’t leave and come back and studio hop and still be an OG.  You were never an OG.  Pull up Season One on your damn DVD.  Who dat lady?  Who dat lady?  I’m an OG.  No she’s not.

Same, Kira.  Same.

When it was all over, everyone went to opposing corners to let the dust settle and I realized that I forgot to stick this picture into the recap.  Look at how cute this kid is.

Minis ain’t feeling any of this BS right now.

And what ever happened to that front door picnic bench that Jill bought Abby way back when she was or wasn’t an OG?  Did we ever locate it?

The whereabouts of that bench and the stuffed dog is why I have trust issues.

And then it was over.

Apparently it’s a two-parter.  Who knew?

This week wore me out, folks.  I’m exhausted.

Somebody call me an Uber.

Dance Moms: The ALDC Tribal Council Is About To Vote Off All The Crybabies, So You Might Wanna Pull It Together.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

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I just wanted to get some sleep, so I told that little crybaby there was a pony in the back of the bus.

 

 

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Chief YearOfTheNia is about to shut this Tribal Council down.

 

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Hey! Was that a Dunkin Donuts? I told you to never pass by a damn Dunkin Donuts!

 

 

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Sometimes all the world really needs is Jill Vertes making a crazy face. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

 

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I dunno what’s in this Aqua Net, but it is some strong s***. I swear I just saw dancing Indians.

 

 

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You can do this. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Be the Cher, Nia.

 

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Srsly. Will you look at that tiny crown. And I thought MY kid got the shaft every week…

 

 

 

Okay.

Let’s just address the elephant in the teepee right now and get it out of the way early so we can focus on all the choreographed hilarity.

Road to Nationals means heap big drama for Dance Moms.

There.  You were thinking it and I said it.  And now that we’ve started this thing off as politically incorrect as possible, we can get right to the good stuff.

I think I’ve proven over the last few years that I have absolutely no idea what the rules are anymore when it comes to being PC.  Honestly, I’ve barely figured out the rules for dance competitions.  And don’t even ask me how they judged Toddlers & Tiaras.

But I thought we weren’t supposed to call the Washington Redskins the Washington Redskins anymore.  I’m so confused.  At least I know the correct term is Native American.

So when Abby Lee Miller pulled out a feathered headdress in the first 3 minutes of this week’s episode I knew she was going to break Twitter.  And she did.

Some people called it racist.  Some people called it a glowing Native American tribute.

And more than a few fabulous gentlemen literally gagged over the outfits.

Because, let’s face it, they were to die for.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.  Dead.

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Regardless, I’m just putting it out there before anybody gets themselves too tightly wound up over the subject matter.  You know by now we’re just here for the party.  Head over to the Gymboree chat rooms if you want to get into anything heavier.  I’m sure they’re still bashing me for that whole home schooling fiasco.

So no offense intended, or taken, as we go all tribal this week.

And honestly, with all the money I’ve lost at Mohegan Sun over the years, I think they can cut me some slack just this once.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the Pyramid of Shame.  Which was actually the Totem Pole of Shame this week.

Which was actually just a bunch of photos stacked on top of each other.  I mean, it’s not like there was an eagle head at the top or anything.  It was just Maddie again.

It was, however, National Dress Your Mom Up In Crazy Pastel Summer Prints And Take Her To Work Day and all the Moms were representing like a double page spread in the Sunday Kohl’s flyer.  I swear these women call each other every morning.  How else do you explain them all ending up in the same color pallet almost every week?

All the matching Original Recipe Moms were there, along with Tami “She Who Wears Shorty Short Booty Shorts” Adamson (…her Native American name…) and her little daughter Tea’, who had both been asked to return after last week’s successful group routine.  Just like when Loree and Jade had been asked back and Tami gave them crap for jumping the fence from New Team to Old Team.

Just like that.

Oh.  And Christ-y was back.  The loud Church Lady had returned, but apparently taken some Oath of Silence to prevent her daughter Sarah from being kicked out of the building for a second time this month.

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Can someone either check Sarah’s body temperature or get her a sweater, please?  She’s always shaking.

Since it was a Totem Pole of Shame this week (…to foreshadow the upcoming theme…) Abby zoomed from the bottom of the elevator to the top so fast that it made my ears pop.

Nia, MackZ, Kendall, Tea’, Chloe and Maddie “On Top Again She Is” Ziegler.

(That was supposed to be Maddie’s Native American name, but the more I look at it the more it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say.  I just can’t win this week.)

The gang was all headed to the Energy Dance Competition Regionals in Waterford, MI where the tiniest ALDC dancers would be battling it out for a spot at Nationals.

MackZ, Tea’ and Sarah all scored solos.  So the pressure was on.

The group routine, if you actually haven’t figured it out by now, was going to be a sparkly Cher-inspired ethnic Native American tribal council dance.

Seriously.  Inspired by Cher.  From the Sonny & Cher Show.  That Cher.

Apparently Abby had gone to see one of Cher’s never-ending Farewell Tour performances (…Seriously.  This beeyotch has been saying farewell for the last 10 years…) and was so inspired by the iconic Half-Breed song that she raced back to Pittsburgh with one of those feathered headdresses they sell next to the ‘I Got You Babe’ t-shirts.

Nia was going to be the featured lead in the dance.  I hate to keep saying ‘I told you so’ when it comes to the International Year of the Nia…but…well…look at that, will ya…

I told you so.

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Pssst.  Newsflash:  Booty Short Tami let Abby know the ‘word on the street’ was that Jeanette had entered her daughter Ava into the competition as well, which would mean that 12 year old Ava would be going up against Abby’s pint-sized triplets.

Something about a 9 -12 year old category that magically changed to a 10-12 year old category at some point during the episode.  I guess Tea’ was in her own category for Mini Grand Supreme or something (…I think I’m getting my toddler shows confused…) but then her overall score would put her up against Ava.

Or maybe I was too busy you tubing Half Breed to pay attention.

I mean, come on.  Who didn’t want to slap on a Village People headdress and ride into Study Hall on a horse when they were little?  Cher is…gah.

She’s f***ing Cher, for crying out loud.

Oh.  And ps…‘word on the street’ is code for ‘Jeanette told me at Starbucks.’

They’re BFFs.  Just saying.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls got to rehearsing.

Sarah had the nervous sniffles.  Again…sweater, please.  Or can we at least turn the heat up a skootch?  Abby wanted her to drag herself across the floor like she was in a horrific bus accident and could no longer walk.  (Spoiler alert:  I think I just figured out what the next scene’s trauma stems from…) while MackZ had a sassier, more mature solo.

Work it.  Work it.  Walk it.  Walk it.

Tea’, on the other hand, was straight up little girl Boop-Oop-A-Doop 1920’s crybaby, complete with a face down hissy fit like she had just missed out on front row Cher tickets.

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Upstairs, Christi was trying to psych out Tami just like she had psyched out Loree the week before, by suggesting that even though Tea’ made an awesome crybaby, she was going up against an even bigger crybaby and didn’t stand a chance.

Remember last week?  Ava sat on her mother’s lap and almost ugly cried herself into a blackout.  You’re like 12 years old.  Going on 6 feet tall.

Pull it together, sister.  You’re an amazing dancer.

The group rehearsal is when it started getting good.

Abby wanted more Face from Nia.  More!  More!  I wanna see Cher!

(Gurrrl, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  Have you seen the ticket prices?)

Maddie can do it, why can’t you?

Wait.  What?  What did she just say?  Ooooh, Holly didn’t like dat.  At all.

Do it, Maddie.  Show Nia how to give Face.

And then Maddie jumped in and showed Nia how to give Face.  And then Holly noticed that it was the same MaddieFace that she had used last week in her solo.  And then…wait.  It was the same face she had used the week before that, too.

Are we talking FaceGate?  Hold up.  Maddie’s been using the same face every week for four years?  And nobody told me?  Good thing Holly’s on the case.

When Holly turned to Melissa and pointed out that she’d never seen one 8th grade social studies book with a photo of Chief MaddieFace, I just ’bout hit the floor.

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By the time Abby came up to the MomPerch for some NiaFace-Bashing, Dr. Beyoncé wasn’t having it.  All right…whatever.  Shut it down now.  Game Over.

Stick a fork in it.  I’m done.

And then Sarah had some major bus anxiety.

I mean, major.   Like breath into a paper bag kind of anxiety.

I’m not really sure where it all stems from, though the last time there was an issue with public transportation Christ-y tried to peg it on home schooling and the fact that Sarah had never been away from her side in 9 years.

Now unless they do one room home schooling, I’m not sure why the poor little nugget couldn’t go to the back of the bus without her Mom, because I’m going to assume her bedroom is on the other side of the house.  There has to be a point in the day when Mom is not her in sight line.

I felt bad for Sarah.  Especially when Abby yelled at her to pick a damn spot and sit down.

And so did Holly, who took Sarah under her stylishly on-trend Gap dark denim jacket wing and helped her to the back seats, explaining that buses only break apart in the middle and lose the front half over a cliff in the movies.  Not Real Life, honey.

And I don’t know why your Mama isn’t helping me.  Now go blow your nose.

Side note:  Abby said Bull Crap.’  With the kids in the car.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Christi lost track of all the kids as soon as they arrived, which was hilarious.  Anyone seen the children?   Where are the children?

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(Wasn’t that the name of a dance or something?  The one where crazy Vivi-Anne just sat in a swing?  I miss that kid.  I hope she’s getting enough ice cream up there in Ohio, because you know how I worry about her calcium levels.)

Jeanette and Ava showed up.  Mom was wearing some tight jeans from Not-Forever 21 and had that kind of curly hair that never dried the entire episode.

Tami kept finding excuses to sneak out of the back room and go narc on the ALDC Moms with her BFF.  I’m not sure how she expected to keep that one a secret with two cameras following her down the hallway, but all right…whatever.

And then the editing just turned into a hot mess.  Hot.  Mess.  And you know that’s my pet peeve.

The group routine went on first, even though in reality it clearly went later since the girls were in and out and back in their Native American makeup about ten times during the rest of the show.  Seriously, people?

Nia was a-maz-ing in the Cher Dance, even though Maddie kept hogging the lead spot.

(Did you see them all standing on the giant Tom-Tom?  Git out my center spot, gurl.)

Was it just me, or did that seem a little odd?  And what was up with MackZ’s crab crawl handstand thingamabob around the drum?  Is that a contractually required move every week now?  Because I’ve never seen any Native Americans bust that one out before.

Sarah clearly drew on all that bus angst during her solo, which was a mix of that kid from Les Misérables and those old Italian women who throw themselves on top of caskets at funerals.  Her Mom’s face when she was dancing, though.

Tea’s hair bow looked like bunny rabbit ears but she Betty Boop’d herself into a meltdown quite nicely.  She totally has a silent movie face.

And then MackZ proved once and for all that the Bumble Bee costume is a thing of the past.  Our baby is all grown up.

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Side note:  They came back from commercial break and showed some mystery group doing a Li’l Abner looking dance with a double wide trailer and lawn chairs.  Excuse me?  I need to see that Redneck Dance in its entirety, asap.  Dolla makes me holla, yo.

Next up, Ava did her solo but Kendall missed it because she was out back putting on her NativeAmericanFace for the 2nd time.  Seriously.  Editing, people.  Don’t make me keep saying it.

And then all of the sudden Maddie was dancing.  Giving some unexpected, and not even listed in the program, MaddieFace to all of Michigan.

Don’t ask.  Abby had asked her to bring a costume under the premise of ‘psyching out Ava’ in the wings of the stage, but then all of the sudden there she was in the spotlight doing the dance that lady from Greenwich Village had written for her last week.

I said don’t ask.

Backstage, all the Moms ganged up on Melissa, accusing her of sabotaging MackZ’s chance at First Place by shoving her out of the way so Maddie could perform.  Melissa said Nope.  The Moms said Yup.  And Abby said it was done to make sure Ava didn’t win.

My MomCrush Jill (…who was rocking some serious snake skin, BTW…) accused Melissa of throwing MackZ under the bus, which almost put Sarah into cardiac arrest until someone told the kid it was just a figure of speech.

Lawd, that girl’s gonna be the death of me.

Holly even called it a Defining Moment for America…and probably MackZ’s career…and I vowed to vote for Dr. Beyoncé in 2016 instead of Loree’s husband.  I think an American flag even unfurled behind her as she spoke, but everyone was so busy putting their NativeAmericanFaces back on for the third time that they all missed the I Have A Dance Dream speech.  Love me some Holly when her hair starts curling.

Not so much the Post-Production Editors and the Continuity Guy.

Wax On.  Wax Off.  Hats On.  Hats Off.

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And then all the little Chers went out to collect their awards.

Sarah won First Place Petite Solo, which I now realize is not the same thing as Mini Grand Supreme.  Kiddie Pageants give out waaaay better crowns.

Did you see that tiny thing on her head?  It was like the ones you buy at iParty and put on cupcakes for Disney Princess Birthday Parties.  I’m afraid she’s gonna swallow it the next time she starts hyper-ventilating.

What a rip.

Tea’s solo came in Fifth.  MackZ took Third.  Ava Second.  And then Maddie won First Place, even though the judge with the bow tie was going to have to UPS her trophy to her on Monday since she was such a late entry.

The Native American group dance easily took First Place.  Probably something to do with that whole International Year of the Nia thing I keep hearing about.

Abby still wouldn’t admit that Nia was amazing, even when Holly pressed her for feedback and her special recipe for sugar cookies.

(Seriously.  Did you hear that interaction?  What the what?)

And then Jeanette and Ava got booted off the New & Improved ALDC Select Team because of this week’s sneak attack against Abby.  When will these people learn?

Tami did ask Abby if it was okay to use the restroom, though.  I guess even Narcs need a potty break.

And then it was over.  Until next week when the Road to Nationals brings the ALDC face to face with the Candy Apples again.

Oh, yeah.  Me see heap big trouble brewing.

Sing us outta here, will ya Nia?

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