DanThat'sCool!

 

 

What the…? How does this tall kid keep sneaking back in here? I just changed the locks.

 

 

 

 

No. Really.  It’s Big. Really, really Big. Breathtakingly Big. So Big you’re physically in awe of it’s Bigness.

 

 

 

 

That’s what she said. This Big.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Big like Cracker Barrel All You Can Eat Buffet Big. Raise your hands if you wanna go for dinner.

 

 

 

 

You win, or I snap both your arms off like this and you’ll never be able to hold your second place trophy again.

 

 

 

For those of you who missed it…Starpower Talent Competition is big.

Really big.

Or at least according to Abby Lee Miller it is.  And I’m thinking that Girlfriend probably knows a thing or two about All Things Big.  She may even qualify as an authority on the subject.

A big authority, if you’ll pardon the precisely placed pun.

This week on Dance Moms, the gang was headed to Woodbridge, New Jersey to try and scoff up all the Starpower trophies in a big way.  Other than the Woodbridge Center Mall I don’t really have any idea what’s out there, but whatever it is…if it’s anything like Jersey Hair…I’m sure it’s big.

Before you delete me from your favorite blog sites (…and if you haven’t added me yet, I’m more than happy to pause while you go do it now…) you’ll be happy to know that I think I’m done using the word big.

I just wanted to make certain that you experienced the same repetitive annoyance that the rest of us experienced as Abby pointed out over and over how freakin’ huge Starpower really was in the magical Land of Dance.  We get it.

But nobody was goin’ nowhere until the Pyramid of Shame photos were all peeled off like scabby band-aids.  I hear that the faster you rip them off, the less it is supposed to hurt.

At the bottom of the Why Don’t We Just Call This The Maddie Show And Be Done With It Pyramid were Brooke and Paige.

Brooke was there, again, because Abby still hated her Mom Kelly and was holding the longest grudge ever  in the history of grudge holding because Kelly flipped her the Bird two weeks ago.

Seriously?  Still?

I live in a big city and sit in a hot, crowded subway car everyday.  If I held a grudge against all the people who flip me off on a daily basis I would never get anything done, and would probably end up being one of those grumpy old coots sitting on a bench outside of Target yelling at kids on skateboards because they can see underwear sticking out of their baggy a** hip hop pants.

At first I thought Paige was on the bottom because Abby didn’t like her new grown up hairdo, which I still swear makes her look less like a little girl and more like that perky college dorm RA we all had who seemed so peppy and smiley until you realized that she cried herself to sleep every night because boys don’t like girls who pound on their door every time they smell weed.

Then I remembered that Kelly was her Mom too, and it all made more sense than the initial hairdo scenario actually did.

Miss Sassy Thang 2012 Nia was also on the bottom, which made both me and Mom Holly a little cranky.  Nia did great last time, but she needed to pay attention to her technique.  Sometimes her inner Beyoncé comes out, and it’s hard to remember to point your toes when you know they’re not ready for your jelly.

Chloe and Maddie were in the middle row.  They both did really well in the last competition, but got knocked down to the second level because House Rules state that the Overall High Score dancer always gets top ranking.

So make room for Mackenzie, bitches!

MackAttack scored the coveted Petite Miss Energy Dance title last week, which is a pretty big deal.

I mean, it’s no Miss Sugarplum Storybook Glitz Super Uber Supreme, but it’s a title.  And unless you can convince Mom Melissa to uproot the whole family and move down South before her not so secret wedding, it’s the best you’re gonna get.  So blow a few finger kisses and stick it in the trophy case, honey.

Mack was so happy that her hair got some mad crazy balloon static and I’m pretty sure another tooth came in.  You done so good you can be in the group dance!

Chloe snagged a solo this week, with a What Goes Around Comes Around theme.  It was a poorly veiled subliminal slam against Mom Christi for everything that she ever thought or said or did to Abby.

Maddie’s solo was a Wizard of Oz-ish Looking For A Place Like Home dance.  It was an homage to Dorothy, even though Abby pronounced it more like hommmidge, which I believe is either imported cheese or that new kind of yogurt that keeps you regular.

Since Brooke was already clinging to the bottom of the wall collage and had nothing to lose, she bailed and went home to talk about boys and get ready for her 8th grade Farewell Dance.  She would miss out on all the Bigness that is Starpower, but she didn’t care because she was getting a new dress and probably an awkward make out session.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do judge all 8th graders by my emotionally scarred cafetorium dance memories.  Is there a problem?  Can we just move on, please?

The group number was based on the recent theatrical release The Hunger Games, where children killed each other to survive.  Replace pointe shoes with bow and arrows, and there you go.

Even though there were still enough dancers to legally call it a group number, Abby felt the need to poke Kelly in the eye just a little more and decided to bring in another dancer to replace Brooke.

Next thing you know, who comes ducking in under the door frame? It’s Payton!

All 8 feet of her.

You remember Payton.  The genetically engineered offspring of crazy Walmart shopping Mom Leslie.  I say genetically engineered because it sounds cooler and more PC than saying ginormously tall, but now I’ve gone and said that too, so you pick your favorite description of that Amazon.

The last time we saw Payton she had proudly exclaimed that she thought she was better than all the other dancers, which caused a whole lot of screaming and crying and banishment to the other rehearsal studio.

Abby pegged her as The Huntress for the number.  Last time she danced she was The Bully sticking “Kick Me” signs on the other girls.  This time she was packing heat.

Word on the dance street was that Payton had taken the Bully title to heart and was shoving kids to the ground and generally getting all gangstah thug on any little dancer who was unlucky enough to find themselves alone with her in the parking lot.

When Mom Leslie showed up after a quick trip to Walmart to return some capris that didn’t fit right in the crotch, she flipped out on all the other Moms for talking trash about her daughter.

There needs to be a show with nothing but Leslie flipping out.  Immediately.

When we first met her, I couldn’t place the voice.  But now that she’s been around for awhile I recognize it.

Leslie is totally that bat s*** crazy lady at the Walmart Customer Service desk having a nuclear meltdown when the sales associate won’t price match her blender because it’s not the identical item.  No matter how many times you show her the flyer, all she does is scream and yell and demand to speak to the manager, who you know is hiding behind the photo studio barnyard backdrop in complete terror with a wet spot in his pants.

That bitch is loud and proud.  When God made her, He had to remove her compassion and social skills in order to make room for all that extra Spaz.

When Payton took a face plant on a jump to the floor in rehearsals and basically broke her finger, Leslie told her to Suck It Up.  Geezis…you’ve got 9 others that still work, don’t you?

Suck It Up is pretty much Leslie’s go-to response when anyone is faced with a challenge in life.

If you’re finger doesn’t heal correctly because you took your splint off for the competition, it’s not like you had big plans to be a hand model anyway.  Suck It Up.

When the Moms all got into a bullying session about the actual definition of bullying, it was up to Holly to smack Leslie with her PhD and dumb it down for her in terms she could understand.

Christi wanted to just slap her and show her what real bullying was all about, but she stayed cool because the Lifetime lawyers were behind the cameras.  Lawyers and snipers probably show up every time Leslie blows into town.

I don’t know that for a fact, and could potentially have just made it up, but I would bet good money that it’s probably gospel.

Since Starpower was so…not little…the competition was actually broken down into two different venues.  A few quick calculations and some basic math skills later, Abby realized that she could enter Maddie in both locations and have a chance at scoring TWO solo trophies.  And why should clothing manufacturers be the only people to break child labor laws and work a kid to the bone, right?

After sneaking Melissa and Maddie into an early morning rehearsal, which by my own calculations kinda seemed to cut into what should have been homeroom attendance time, they were all set to work both Starpower auditoriums.  After a blood oath of secrecy, that is.

A few Suck It Ups later, it was finally Competition Day!

Payton still had a throbbing finger, which could potentially effect her weightlifting overhead presses when she picked up all the other girls during the performance.

Again…Suck It Up.  Even Abby compared Payton’s weenie little finger issue to the poor mountain climber who fell in a crevice and chewed his own arm off.  I’m thinking Abby didn’t actually see that movie.

Suck It Up.  And then Spit It Out if you have to, you big crybaby.

The group number had a few goobers.  MackAttack had trouble climbing all the way up on top of Payton’s big back, which was probably due to the fact that Payton was all covered in nervous flop sweat after missing half her turns.

Someone also needs to explain to me how last week Abby managed to find a retail establishment that sold 3 foot tall spoons made out of solid lead for the group dance, but this week couldn’t manage to track down one sporting goods store that carried an archery set?

As a result, it was up to Payton to Suck It Up and fling imaginary arrows at the girls until they collapsed one by one like roadkill onto the stage.

They only scored Second Place, which as we all know by now, is the First Loser.

Totally unrelated, Abby was in the audience with a big foam circle that I thought was one of those hemorrhoid donuts that you put under your butt, but then I saw some more on stage and realized they were Starpower branded frisbees or something.  Yes, I was disappointed.

Maddie’s solo was great.  In both locations.  The Oz number had her hooched up in a little two piece Dorothy number, which was cute since she’s still a  little kid.  A few years from now I can totally picture that outfit on some sorority bitch who’s slamming beers at a Halloween frat party with her BFF dressed as a naughty nurse.

Chloe did great, too.  But her choreography was…meh.

By the time that Maddie brought back TWO top solo trophies, one from each location, the episode ended just like the 17 episodes before it.  Except this one had the added bonus of Leslie’s big Walmart mouth which was flapping around so much that I can’t believe she didn’t get lipstick all over her teeth.

Moms were flipping out right and left, screaming favoritism and claiming that the other kids were always set up to fail with sub par choreography.

Kelly got (bleeped) out a few times, which made me smile because it seemed more like an episode of Dance Mob Wives.  (Which I would totally watch every week, by the way.)

Leslie accused Christi of just being a sore loser.  Christi rolled her eyes and made some of the best faces that she has made in two seasons.

Holly silently wondered if she could get her job back at the school on Monday and make this all go away.

Melissa did a lousy job of pretending she didn’t know anything about the second venue.

Payton’s twisted finger finally fell off.

And now you have to wait a whole week for another episode and my witty ramblings?

Suck It Up.

 

 

Excuse me? Who you calling a big fat cheater? It’s the pants that make my junk look like this, thank you.

 

 

 

 

Lawd. You’d think with all these mirrors in here, somebody would actually use one once in awhile.

 

 

 

 

Girl, pleez. Do not make me unleash my Nia Face on you. I ain’t no cheater.

 

 

 

 

 

Forget that. Check it out…I’m just about to unleash my crazy face on somebody’s big ol’ a**.

 

 

 

 

Why did she get to wear the green dress? You’d think just once I could be the star. This sucks.

 

 

 

Scandalous, I tell you.

Did she or didn’t she?  It was the question that nearly brought down the ALDC.

Forget voter fraud, frivolous Wall Street stock scams and all the drama surrounding the new Facebook Timeline.  We’re talking scratched CDs here, people.

This week, Dance Moms…which pretty much felt like an hour of filler squished between 95 commercials for the premiere of that hot mess Bristol Palin reality show…was so chock full of cheating accusations, crazy faces and whining that I’m surprised they found the time to actually get to the dancing part of the show.

After bringing home a steamer trunk full of trophies, plaques and dusty Zombie couture, Abby Lee Miller was obviously looking for another victory the next time they hit the stage.  The troupe was a big hit at last week’s Energy Dance Competition, and now it was time to see if lightening could strike twice.

But you know the rules, by now.  First was the Pyramid of Shame, formerly known as the Duh, It’s Not Rocket Science – Maddie Will Be On Top Again Pyramid.

Since the lowest spots on the Pyramid are basically reserved seating for any offspring sprung from Kelly’s loins, Brooke and Paige were scotch taped right down at the bottom.  Again.

Neither of them had really done anything wrong other than unintentionally share their mother’s last name.  Abby has basically chosen them as sacrificial lambs in her Anti-Kelly campaign, and not even Paige’s still too old for her age haircut could save them.

Paige is a patootie, but somebody backstage keeps curling her up into a 1940′s starlet, and she’s starting to look like Brooke’s older sister just back home from college with no boyfriend and a baby.

Both of them were on probation, with big Dynamo label maker “Probations” stuck to their photos like those internet black boxes they put over the eyes of anonymous hookers, but only lower.

The bottom row was finished off with Chloe’s face, who became another lamb innocently sent to slaughter.  Last week Mom Christi had yanked Chloe from rehearsals to take her to the doctor, the chiropractor and that new Avengers movie, and Abby wasn’t happy at all.

As previously discussed in depth here in past weeks:  Unless something that should be on the inside of your body is suddenly showing on the outside, there is never a good reason to skip rehearsal.

Not even Robert Downey Jr., thank you.  He’s dreamy, but you’re gonna have to wait for the Director’s Cut Blu-ray.  Sorry.  Now back to the studio.

Middle of the pack was set aside for Nia and Mackenzie, who let out a big excited gasp right through one of the gaps that will soon be filled with a big girl tooth.  We love her.

Mack Attack just needs more ballet classes, and maybe one of those Simon light up games from Toys ‘R Us that help increase your memory skills.  Abby would like her to make it through an entire number without spacing out or leaving the stage before Adele finishes the song.

Speaking as someone who couldn’t even remember to put shoes on at that age, I think she is doing just fine.  Lay off, lady.

Nia just needs to keep being Fierce.  That’s my call, not Abby’s.  I don’t really care what Abby thinks.  I don’t even remember what she said.

Team Nia in yo’ face, bitches.

And sho nuff, lookie there…Maddie was on top!

Last time, even though the CD skipped during her performance, the Maddie Soul Train kept chugging away until the commercial break.

And that’s when the whole El Scandalo Thang started to percolate.

Word on the Mom Street was that Abby had put Maddie through rehearsals with a skipping CD and even gave the judges a bootleg scratcher as a guarantee that she would score highly.  I guess the deal is that if your music has a big goober in the middle then that somehow gets you some kind of high score on the Pity Point scale.  There must be ways to keep track of these kind of things though, otherwise I’m going to assume that everyone who ever entered a dance competition would tie their CDs to the mini-van trailer hitch like beer cans on a wedding day and show up ready for First Place.

Everyone just let that one stew for a bit longer while Abby handed out assignments.

The gang was headed back to yet another Energy Dance Competition, this time in Michigan.  I could hardly wait to see that poorly lit, out of focus Power Point backdrop logo again.  Not really sure why it bothers me so much, but it does.  Get used to it, because every time we go to one of their events you’re gonna hear it again.

The group number was going to be a Silver Spoon theme.  I immediately got all excited that maybe Ricky Schroder would be making a cameo since he seems to have a lot of spare time on his hands these days.

(I’ll pause here so the younger set can Google “Ricky Schroder” and see why the Silver Spoon reference is so hysterical.  Gah…when did I get so old?)

But then I realized that Abby meant silver spoon like you’re born into a spoiled, gifted life with the spoon in your mouth.  And we’re supposed to call him Rick now, anyway.

Nia, Maddie and Mack Attack all got the thumbs up for a solo number.

Maddie was doing a Helen Keller dance, which I won’t make a joke about because that would be in bad taste.  I just hope they put crib guards up around the edge of the stage because it’s a long way down.

Nia was going to be channeling her Sasha Nia again, which I love, and doing a more mature dance.  Looks like Abby has finally…finally…given up on her dreams of an Aunt Jemima Broadway Revival and Nia can now dance without an afro pick in her hair.

Holly was thrilled.  She and Christi are tied for who has the best Proud Mom Face.  I can’t decide.

Mack’s routine was a Daisy Chain number.  While you’re Googling “Ricky Schroder” you might want to just take a quick drive-by and see what the porno definition for that term is all about.  I really wish Abby had called it something else because…well…just because.

I know it was innocent enough and Abby just wanted to dress Mack up like a character from H.R. PufnStuf and let her roll around…but…just Google it.

And how about all my TV Land flashbacks this week?  What’s up with that?

I’m dying to say something about some of the tight pants on selected Moms this week, too…but I’ve already dissed Helen Keller, slammed Rick(y) Schroder and talked pornography and we’re still on the Pyramid, so I’m not really sure when I’ve crossed the line.

Let’s just say that some of them camels need to put their shoes back on and leave it at that.  If you get it, you get it.

Up in the Mom Perch, everyone was talking about how China makes pants so small this year and how Melissa ratted out Chloe for going to the movies.  (Ok…I made up some of that.  You figure out which part.)  All the Moms ganged up on Melissa about the bootleg CD until she couldn’t sit still anymore.

Melissa bolted downstairs and burst into the duet rehearsal to confront Abby about the allegations of cheating.

Blah blah blah…Abby’s reputation.  Blah blah blah…Abby’s good name.  You can figure it out.

Abby swore she didn’t purposely nick or scratch anything, but I kept looking at her new Morticia Addams extra-long nails and I can totally see where she could slice off an entire song just trying to open the CD shrink wrap.  As Melissa and Abby went a few rounds, the Moms were glued to the action like Chloe at the Avengers.  I thought I even smelled popcorn.

The Ricky Schroder number was based around a prop.  A ginormous prop.

Somewhere in Pittsburgh Abby had tracked down a massive 3 foot tall spoon that appeared to be made of solid lead.  The poor girls could barely hoist it up over their heads.

After Maddie almost blew out her thoracic vertebrae trying to fling that thing around, Abby decided to take it home for private ice cream nights and replaced the prop with a smaller piece of flatware.

Throughout the rehearsals there were many…many…of those special Kelly “Abby hates my kids” moments that I won’t bother going into detail on.  Same song.  Different outfit.

By the time it came to finalizing the costumes, Kelly was firing on all 8 cylinders.

The individual and duet outfits weren’t too bad.  Mack looked like a Springtime Muppet while Nia looked like Beyoncé tangled up in sailboat rope.

That group number on the other hand.  Yikes.

The pastel dresses were just an odd combination of Sound of Music meets Nutcracker meets Easter Parade meets that Cult where everyone had the same hair and all married one dude.

The one with the uni-brow ladies.

Those dresses were bad.

I’m praying they’re not burned into my plasma like the freakin’ QVC logo.  Seriously, as they argued and swapped colors and tried to get it together, I was expecting Anderson Cooper to burst in and do an exposé on the ALDC Compound.

Since Abby hates Paige, she stuck the poor thing with a dress 5 sizes too large, while Chloe was forced to squeeze into green sausage casing that almost collapsed her right lung.

Kelly went completely Kelly on that one.  Twice, actually.

Finally it was time for the competition.  We’ll speed this thing up since you’re not really here for the technical play by play anyway.

The duet was great.  Abby said the two girls never danced together better than they did this time.  Christi was scribbling like crazy in her program the entire time like the people who are always at the greyhound park keeping track on their racing forms.  No score gets by this woman.  I smell a spin-off….Bookie Moms.

The best part of the group number was the very end.  If you freeze frame it and really study it, the scene pretty much sums up everything that Abby lives for…

Maddie standing tall and proud, silver spoon (…complete with newly added fancy bow…) held high over her head after clubbing all the other girls into unconsciousness.  It was like the crazy caveman who beat down all his opponents for that one juicy piece of wooly mammoth meat.  Last man…or dance girl…standing.

Check it out.  I’m not lying.  It was either a really strange coincidence, or Abby Lee Miller’s best subliminal jab into Kelly’s eye sockets ever.

They scored a second place even with baggy dresses and that creepy OB/GYN spoon, as did the duet.

Solos on the other hand…not so much.

MackAttack came in first place for the Preemie division after remembering where she was and keeping that big daisy on her head.  She even got a little crown.  It was pretty anemic by Toddlers & Tiaras standards, but it was her first one and she was poking her tongue every which way through all those endearing empty spots in her mouth.  She is too cute.

But Nia and Maddie didn’t pull in the high scores that Abby wanted, so you can imagine the kind of mood Ms. Miller was in by the time Kelly went in for the kill.  Kelly definitely needs to work on her timing if she ever expects to walk away from a fight with more than a black eye.

Everything spinning around in Kelly’s head all came out at once.  The favoritism.  The bad costumes.  The whole hating my kids thing again.  Same song.  Different outfit.

Again.

It wasn’t their best fight, but I have faith.  Kelly is a ticking time bomb and I’m living for the day when Abby starts tearing off her nails like she’s about to throw down on the Jerry Springer Show.

You already know she can toss a chair with one hand.

Say it with me:

Abby!  Abby!  Abby!