Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Spoilers’

Dance Moms: When Abby Goes Rogue Again, It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue. Hurray For Bollywood…And Africa.

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

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Don’t you cry, niblet. At least you’re not wearing any pigtails. Trust me…it’s been a looong 5 years.

 

 

da

 

 

Baby, look at me. When I’m done with you, that sore back is gonna remember remember my name.

 

 

nia

 

 

So I went online to check out all my haters’ viral music videos and…wait…there are none. Hashtag: OhSnap

 

 

ac

 

 

Aww Hell Nah. I specifically said no bathroom security jobs that involved clowns. I’m done.

 

 

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You trash my hair on social media and I’ll be at your house tonight unplugging the damn internet.

 

 

da3

 

 

If these babies can teach me how to take a selfie, I don’t care if they live in the backroom.

 

 

mkz

 

 

 

I’ll totally help all these little squirts if they wanna pay me in snacks. It’s still all about the chips.

 

 

 

You.

Yeah.  I’m talking to You.

You’ve got Big Dreams.  You want Fame.

Well, Fame costs.  And right here is where you start paying.

In Sweat.

debbie-allen-as-lydia-grant-in-FAME

And you can quote me on that.  Or maybe that lady right there, if you’d prefer.

Because Debbie Allen has arrived, y’all.

The Queen is in the building.  And that is awesome.  And amazing.  And inspiring.

And it’s totally jumping about four commercial breaks ahead in the recap and referencing the wrong television show all at the same time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Debbie Allen.

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And now that I’ve ruined the surprise, let’s start at the beginning.

Dance Moms kicked off this week’s episode already slightly discombobulated (…and completely right back where they started their whole Hollywood journey…) on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio, which was apparently once again serving as rehearsal space for the ALDC.

After resigning from her own Life (…which still makes about as much sense to me as I dunno what…) Abby Lee Miller had apparently locked the Moms out of the new ALDCLA studio and gone into reclusive hoarding/hiding inside the bowels of that freaky back storeroom, forcing everyone else to find temporary housing.

3rd Street Dance to the rescue.

Thankfully, this studio seems to have way more Salsa posters and Zumba signage than they do actual running classes, because the place always seems to be empty and available at a minute’s notice.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, the team scored a home for now.

Side note:  I’m totally ok with Lifetime using that ‘Previously On Dance Moms’ clip of my MomCrush Jill flipping out on Abby every week for the rest of the season if they’d like, because it’s been on every episode since it happened and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.j-1

True.  It’s probably not as epic as throwing a shoe while wearing Dollar Store western headgear, but sometimes even the best peak too early.  It just happens.

So, anyway. Abby was MIA.  Again.

Just like Maddie, who was not only starring in whatever movie keeps taking her away from the studio every other week, but also apparently writing it, directing it and editing all the sci-fi laser beam computer animation, because it’s certainly taking her a long time to wrap this thing up.  Let’s go, people.  Time is Money.

And now Nia was MIA, too.  Or so they thought.

Turns out she was just back a block or two on her Sidekick, voicing her concerns to the Social Media Director at NiaSioux Enterprises, LLC regarding some not-so-cool replies from internet haters to a post she had put online about how to do a spin or something.

One:  Really?

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Two:  Remember when kids used to play outside?  Is that not a thing anymore?

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Three:  Really?

h4Don’t even get me started.  I don’t understand social media sometimes.

Or toe spins.

Since Abby was…you know…Gianna was in charge this week.  And our girl doesn’t do Pyramids.  So moving right along.  Is this gonna be a 30 minute show or what?

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce Dance Competition.

But NO Solos.  Only Duets.  Three of them.

Nia and Kalani scored an African Dance number, which was going to be choreographed by Travis Payne‘s assistant Aisha Francis.  Turns out that neither Pyramids OR African Dance are Gia’s thang.  Being the best babysitter EVAH to the Minis still is, tho.

Spoiler Alert:  If this African routine turns out to be even half as #OnFleek as Aisha’s eyebrows, I ain’t too worried, because…Gurrrrl, that face is Beat.

Which is a good thing, FYI…at least according to the kids who are currently hating on my blog instead of being outside getting fresh air.

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Newbies Peyton (…Pay-Ton’…) and Alexus (…‘Alexis’ without the ‘I’…) were given the first Mini Duet Flashback of the season:  A reinvented interpretation of Chloe and Asia‘s classic ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ routine.

This one.

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My_dollHow much did we love Chloe and Asia Monet Ray?  And Christi.

And how about Asia’s Mom Kristie Ray?  How much did we love her?  Especially when she lost her nutty and did this thing up in the MomPerch…

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1…which is easily the best Dance Moms Gif ever in the history of Dance Moms Gifs…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…except for that one right there, of course.  What the What?

I really can’t look at both of them together for very long or my head will explode.

The final ‘Odd Couple’ duet went to Kendall and Brynn, which was done basically to allow their Moms the opportunity to pig pile on top of each other for the remainder of the episode.  No love lost there, folks.

Brynn’s Mom Ashlee immediately asked which part was harder.  #OhNoSheDint.

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1Yes, she did.  And Jill didn’t like it much.  Which explains why she made a #JillFace that looked exactly like a #HollyFace and then I didn’t know what was happening.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Truth:  I could literally tell the rest of this week’s episode with just these two Gifs.

And don’t think I won’t try.

Side note:  Just so nobody says I’m not giving equal time, here is one of my all-time favorite Christi moments.  I don’t know why it is, but it is.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_n5xw6vNZ9O1ts65cuo1_500And then it was time for Nakul Dev Mahajan to arrive.

Oh, hey.

nk1And, heeeey.

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Straight outta So You Think You Can Dance, the Bollywood King was flashing hand jives and ancient finger dings from the moment he walked through the door.  Brought in to choreograph the elaborate Big & Little group number, Nakul was da bomb.  Nobody knows this Bollywood shizz better than this guy.  Trust me.

Now let’s just hope he can teach Minis how to pinky finger the Lotus.

pAs the full-size and pint-size girls all tried to work together without poking their own eyes out, the Moms headed into the back hallway to chew on each other’s necks for a few minutes.

Peyton was having trouble picking up the choreography, which meant that her Mom Kerri was already starting to unravel.  Ashlee was already psychically predicting that Kendall would not be able to act out the character in her dance.  Melissa was getting that twitch she gets when Abby’s not around.

And the rest of the Moms all sat around in what I swear was swirling asbestos dust.

Srsly.  Please tell me you saw all that fuzz floating in the air.

3Wi0XUKI know it’s an old building, but…gah.

Luckily, Holly, Nia and Kalani didn’t have to inhale it for very long, because they were off to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy for a freebie.

YAAAAAAAAS, Queen!

Debbie Allen had offered up her studio for an African Dance class, which Holly somehow found out about by chatting up Aisha on her cellphone the night before.  Because apparently ‘Aisha’ comes right before ‘Aubrey’ in Holly’s speed-dial.  I don’t even ask anymore.  That phone’s memory card must be massive.

When you get to the ‘Ds’ and wanna go to lunch, call me.

I love Debbie Allen.  She’s strong.  Inspirational.  And every word that comes out of her mouth could go on a t-shirt or one of those expensive Hallmark cards that require additional postage because they’re so heavy.

Debbie walked into that studio and everyone was all like…YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_n84i1fYDY41rnss34Plus, she was wearing a beret.  Slightly askew.  So you knew she meant bidnezz.

When Debbie Allen speaks,  the room falls silent.  Holly, Nia and Kalani were captivated as The Queen discussed being a Performer vs. being an Artist.

She said “I would wish Artistry on both of you.”  YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_nvgu4iNvc51satrrh_500And it just kept going.  All to a crazy drum beat.

Not gonna lie.  By the time they finished rehearsals and Debbie told them to “Never be afraid to try.  Success is a Journey.  It is always in the making.” I was like…tumblr_inline_nox6iqYyyd1qdbwps_500Call me a cab.  I’m done.

Side note:  When Debbie Allen was on the TV show Fame, she wore loose fitting Flashdance-looking tops and posed like this a lot with Billy Hufsey

fame season 3 debbie allen, billy hufsey, gene anthony ray

…who, years later, somehow ended up being Asia Monet Ray’s agent for a short time…

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…after she danced on Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition

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…which has nothing really to do with Debbie Allen training Nia and Kalani, but could totally come in handy on Trivia Night if you want to write it down somewhere.

I know, right?  Mind.  Blown.Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1

The following day(…only 24 hours before competition…) the Moms were all together again, doing that excited/jealous thing they do when one girl does something cool and the others don’t.  Everyone was happy for Nia and Kalani’s Debbie Allen Experience, but Melissa planned on having her children dance where their jackets say they dance.

Which…ok.  I love Melissa, but she didn’t say much this week.

She made this face a few times, tho.  Not sure why.

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Since the Minis were still struggling with the Bollywood choreography, Nakul had asked them all to rehearse at home together.  Which they didn’t do, because Tiffanie and Mary decided to take their kids to some secret bunker somewhere and now Kerri was starting to unravel faster.

It was getting whackier by the minute, I swear.

You just know that if Debbie Allen’s sister Phylicia Rashad had been there, she would have been looking at those Moms all like..

3.-Phylicia-Rashad-The-Cosby-Show

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for Kerri to completely lose her marbles.  Just because Holly asked the Mini Moms how their late night rehearsals had been going.

Well, that started it, anyway.

I guess Kerri had threatened to call the po-po on Tiffanie for some reason.  Tiffanie then said that Peyton was huddled up in a corner somewhere in the fetal position last night screaming for her mother.

Which Kerri didn’t handle very well.  Since, according to her version of the story, her child was sitting on her own bleepity bleepin’ lap the whole time, you stupid bleep. kerBoom.  #MicDropFace.

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Production note:  Right around here they either edited out 27 minutes of footage, or Tiffanie is the Fastest CryBaby Evah, because she started bawling her eyes out before Kerri even lost that Kardashian pucker.

cryI know, Holly.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Same.

Peyton came out in her Monster Doll makeup and looked waaaay crazy pants.  Kudos to whoever painted that mug.

But she still messed up a practice move with Gia and then Kerri melted down.

dollDance Moms “I’m Done” Contract Clause:  As previously discussed, every Mom is required to say it at least once per season.  And this week was Kerri’s time.  Big Time.

She snatched her phone and her kid (…in that order, BTW…) and plowed through the open doors and then straight into the closed elevator door.  You see that?

Not sure why she didn’t push the button like the sign says.

It was chaos.  Security guys everywhere.  Kerri was swinging her shoes around like she was at some Designer Sample Sale and needed to get traction on the marble floor before all her sizes were gone.  There was some nameless producer guy begging Kerri to stay on the show (…via Honey Boo Boo subtitles…) and even one guy in front of the ladies’ room who jumped out of his skin when he saw a 3 foot tall clown running towards him with a skeleton face and a barefoot Mom looking like Alice Cooper.

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But it was Mackenzie who saved the day.

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It’s not easy being 6 years old.  Nobody knows dat better than MackZ, yo.

Been there.  Done that.  So she took the little scary clown under her wings and told her everything was gonna be alright.  And that she knows her Mom is a loose cannon.  And that everything about the ALDC is clearly straight off the hook.

But if you stick it out long enough, you get chips at some point.

bad-makeup-GIFFull disclosure:  I didn’t know where else to put the animation of that little girl in her crazy makeup.  It kinda goes with the story and yet makes no sense whatsoever.  It has nothing to do with the show and yet pretty much sums up the entire episode in one graphic.  So there you go.

And now we wasted so much time on all this that there’s no room for the actual competition.  Check out Nia’s makeup, tho.

nkkThe Mini duet ended up being amazing.  For such little wieners, they both did great.  They remembered the choreography and got the job done.

Nia and Kalani’s routine was insane.  Nailed it.  To a crazy drum beat.

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Side note:  There was also a 20 minute break in programming so we could watch all the ALDC girls get tanked up on sugar and show us how to do a proper Instagram selfie.  It gave me anxiety it was so hyper.  Sleepover Commercials 2.0…

Brynn and Kendall’s duet was not as equally well received, since Ashlee immediately went in for the kill again as soon as it was over.  It was the same conversation as last week, just in different outfits.

And then they all went Bollywood, baby.

nk3Fast forward:  And then it was over.

No time for results this week.  I know you Google that stuff anyway.

Kerri vowed to chillax.  Or at least try.  Ashlee vowed to push every single last one of Jill’s buttons until something bad happens.  Which it will.

Melissa vowed to remain at the studio that’s on the embroidery.  Holly vowed to keep finding new and improved opportunities for her daughter.

Nia vowed to not let those social media haters get her down.

Because, you know…#Motivators.

And that’s it until next time.  Get outta here.

Buh bye, now.

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Dance Moms: Now You See Her…Now You Don’t. The Minis Get Their Moment But Abby Lee Never Saw It Coming.

Friday, January 29th, 2016

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…and I’m already missing 7 acrylic tips. They might be in my bra, but I can’t find that either.

 

 

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Yaaaay! Maddie’s back! I better take a selfie so I remember how amazing my hair looked today.

 

 

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With all the ALDC merchandise she’s selling online, I can’t believe nobody can get us 4 sippy cups.

 

 

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All I know is that if I acted up like some of these ladies, I’d be in Time Out right now. They’re crazy.

 

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They said hold it like this so I look like a Real Housewife, but I can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying.

 

 

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Honey, Imma need your Mama to back it up a few feet or you’re gonna do your own makeup.

 

 

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You’re the lawyer…you tell me. How do I stop that blog kid from posting my bra picture again?

 

 

 

Ok.

No fancy intros this week.  No time.

Let’s just get right down to Dance Moms bidnezz.

If Abby Lee Miller can barely even acknowledge the Pyramid of Shame this episode, then we can certainly skip right to the good stuff, too.

Like, ummm…maybe that backroom behind the new ALDCLA studios perhaps?

What the what?

post-26182-kristin-wiig-disgusted-animate-htu2You see all that?

As the opening credits finished rolling and the Moms and kids started piling into the building for this week’s assignments, Abby was nowhere to be found.

MIA.  Again.  At least in the clean part of the building, anyway.

Turns out she was just out back in her…whatever that place was supposed to be…talking on the phone to some mystery caller, surrounded by bubble wrap, Whole Foods bags, a fort made out of plastic storage bins and one of those little freshman dorm beds that never fit the sheets you used all through high school.

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Eeeew.  Part Hoarders: LA and part August Back-2-School Sale at the Container Store, the whole thing was just so…

wait-what…that I wasn’t sure what to think.  It even seemed kinda funny until you started looking closer at the collection of clutter and then it got kinda…

tumblr_mebyvor9kw1rig27xo1_500_largeSeriously.  So.  Much.  Clutter.

I swear the only thing missing was Abby’s bra.

This one, probably.

ab1Because she wasn’t wearing one.  She even said so.

And her hair was in rollers.  And she was crying.  And there was a grade school map of the whole world on the wall, for some reason.

And Abby Lee Miller was not wearing a bra, for those of you who missed it the first time.

No bra.  No support system.  Nothing.  None.  Zip.  Nada.

As Abby finished up with her mystery caller, everyone else was out in the main studio welcoming Maddie back into their ranks.  She was home!  Fresh from her first movie role, Maddie had finally returned to the ALDCLA with Hollywood stories and celebrity gossip, an upcoming Seventeen Magazine photo shoot and what seemed like slightly darker hair.

But maybe that was just me.

Everyone was going nuts.

Especially my MomCrush Jill, who kept flipping her new hair all around like this…

beyonce-hair-flip.jpg…and this…

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…while plotting how to send the Mini Moms into the backroom to deal with Abby.

Freshman Hazing: Dance Moms Style.

After hearing Abby scream, everyone knew she was on the property somewhere, so it was only fitting that the new Moms get tossed into the Lion’s Den to drag out the carcass.

Kerri (…who still insists on pronouncing her daughter Peyton‘s name with that dramatic pause between PAY and TON…) headed into the bowels of the building with a few other Moms in search of their new leader, but squealed right back out as soon as she realized that Abby wasn’t wearing a bra.

kerriWe should probably give her a moment.  She was clearly traumatized.

Melissa and Jill didn’t do much better when they headed in after Abby, either.  It was loud.

Really loud.  Abby literally screamed at them so hard they almost knocked over that Makeup Lady we met last week, who was just trying to take her blood pressure medicine as they raced back to the safety of the front studio.

Needless to say, with all that adrenaline pumping, it was only a matter of mili-seconds before Jill and Brynn‘s Mom Ashlee went at it again.  Just like last week.

Except that this time we only saw the back of Jill’s new hair while she was swearing and taking off out the back door with Melissa.  Nobody had to blur out her mouth like they do on Mob Wives when they accuse each other of being passive-aggressive snitches.

You don’t mess with the (Vertes) Family, yo.  You just don’t.

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The screaming was short-lived, tho, because as soon as Jill and Melissa swung the back door open, they hit Sergio and James from Seventeen Magazine in the head (…knocking Sergio’s hat backwards, BTW…) who were both lurking in the alley behind the ALDCLA for some reason.

I didn’t ask.  I’m not a photographer, so I don’t know how the creative process works.

Sergio was very excited to shoot Maddie for the February issue, as was James, who had decided they should come out to the studio two hours early and stand by the gas meters to figure out which other girls should be included in the photo spread.

Side note:  You ever watch Vanderpump Rules on Bravo?  That show where the restaurant staff spends more time in the back alley smoking cigarettes and talking smack about each other than they do actually serving food?  It was like that.

Well, not the smoking part.  Smoking is bad for you, kids.  Just like fighting with Jill is…

Everyone went back inside to choose which two girls would be included in Maddie’s photo shoot.  And it was as awesome as you’d imagine it would be when you pit a bunch of Dance Moms against each other for a spot in a national fashion magazine.

Holly made this #HollyFace and you already knew that Nia was guaranteed a spot.

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She gets it from her Mama, don’t you know.  Game over.

And You Can Quote Me Dept:  Holly will be the new Oprah somebody.

Ashlee went on and on about how Brynn was a new dancer and model and astronaut and could name all the United States Presidents in both chronological order and alphabetically.

asKerri was still so traumatized by seeing Abby without a bra on that she didn’t even bother trying to pimp out her kid for this gig.  Maybe next time, thanks.

nm2And then it all came down to Nia and Kendall being asked to join Maddie in the magazine.

Congratulations!

Side note:  Look at how cute Brynn is.  What a niblet.  No wonder she models.  It’s like she just saw the Willy Wonka machine that turns rivers into Hershey’s ice cream syrup.

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Before heading back out into the alley, Sergio and James unveiled the Pyramid, but they did it so fast that I never even saw it.  Did you?

Did anybody?  Not sure what that was all about.  Maybe we’ll find out the results in the Director’s Cut DVD box set later this year.

I think I forgot to mention that Abby eventually found some undergarments and made her way out into the studio.  Because she did.

This week, the group routine was entitled ‘The Elite.’  The new Minis would also be performing for the first time, with a number called ‘The Spotlight Is On Me.’  

And Maddie and Brynn both scored solos.

Spoiler Alert:  Competitive Moms, maybe?

And then Abby put on a QVC Quacker Factory Halloween top with glitter ghosts on it that said something about ‘Boos’ because I don’t know why.

This show.  I swear.  Season 7 or else…

Mmmkay?

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As Melissa, Holly, Jill and their respective kids all headed to the Seventeen Magazine shoot, Jessalynn was left behind with nobody in the bleacher seats to talk to except Ashlee.  So they had to talk to each other.

They discussed being a Team Player.  Not being a Team Player.  Who has issues.  Who doesn’t have issues.

And then Ashlee said Jill was going through menopause.

tumblr_nk6lp22lJU1re3x32o1_500This isn’t gonna end well.

As Jessalynn grabbed her cell phone to spread some juicy gossip, the other Moms were across town at the photo shoot having a blast.

Holly was busting at the seams with excitement and pride for Nia’s success.  Jill was trying to push Kendall out of the makeup chair so she could slide right in and get contoured by a celebrity stylist.

And Melissa was trying to figure out the snacks on the craft services table.

mSrsly.  I love Melissa so much, but I don’t think she knows how to open a Capri Sun.  Is that what that is?  Or are those Gummy Bears?  I didn’t take a very clear screen shot.

Either way.  Hilarious.

Remember when Melissa tried to use an iPad with those enormous French Tips back when they were all trying to find a man for Abby and went on some creepy dating site?

Or when she used to work the front desk at the ALDC in Pittsburgh?

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I swear she’s gonna poke her own eye out some day if she’s not careful.

When Jill found out that the makeup guy had put lipstick on Victoria Beckham one time, she almost burst whatever that vein is in your neck that’s connected to the part of your brain that does anything logical.

True Fact:  The guy in that picture at the top of this recap isn’t actually doing Kendall’s nails.  He’s putting chloroform on that rag and was 30 seconds away from putting it over Jill’s mouth when security stepped in and made Mrs. Vertes go help Melissa get her juice box open.

I’m not even making that part up either.  I swear.

I love this show.  #NoShame.

Moral Of The Story:  The shoot was awesome.  The girls looked amazing.  And the magazine is out now.  So scoot to CVS tomorrow and pick up a copy or two.

gallery-1452024647-dancemomsFinally it was Showtime!

And time for Abby to go Rogue.

Dat’s rite.  Somewhere between the commercial for Pitch Slapped and those 9 year old Genius Kids who are already way nerdier and smarter than you’ll ever be, Abby Lee Miller disappeared for the rest of the episode.  Again.

Vanished without a trace.  No clues.  No note.  Not even a bra on the backroom floor.

A bra like this one, maybe.

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I think she eventually sent somebody an email that she was resigning.

But I don’t think you can actually resign from your own company or Life, so I don’t think it really counts for much.

Full Disclosure:  Clearly, we may have skipped over a few scenes because I wasted too much time making fun of Melissa’s nails and looking for just the right Justin Bieber hair whip (…like maybe when Jill said that Ashlee’s boob job was so tight that it was squishing brain…which made no sense whatsoever, BTW…) but you get the idea.

You might wanna check out a more reliable blog if you actually want a recap.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how great Gianna is with those little Minis.  From rehearsals to backstage to probably taking them to tinkle when they’re already taped into a sparkly onesie, Gia is the perfect babysitter.

gOr Mom, maybe.  No pressure on her boyfriend if she’s dating anyone, of course.

Maddie’s James Bond Gold Finger solo was great.  Being in her first movie seemed to have stretched out her legs another 6 inches.  Or maybe that was just me, again.

Brynn’s routine was also great.  Plus she got a really nice pep talk from Kalani before she went on stage.  You can tell that Kalani is all about her new Big Sister role now.

Backstage, on the other hand, things didn’t go as smoothly.

Jessalynn and Ashlee and Melissa and Jill went a few more rounds on whose kid was better than whose kid and then Ashlee started throwing out dance terms and asking if Maddie could even do a Scorpion sumthin sumthin after sumthin else.

Totally lost me on that part.

Q.  Remember when the biggest issue on stage for these kids used to be whether they could all keep their hats on for 3 minutes?
partyA.  They usually couldn’t.

(Shout Out to the Original Recipe Minis!)

Jessalynn was not having any of this by the time Ashlee started wailing on JoJo.  Leave her kid out of this mess, please.

Here’s what Jessalynn looked like right before she got all ‘Someone Better Watch My Purse Because Imma ‘Bout To Take Off My Shoes And Hurt Somebody’:jdbThey were all rolling around in the back so much that they almost forgot to get the kids on stage for the group numbers.

The Minis did really well for their first evah ALDCLA dance.  They looked like they had a really fun time and everyone seemed to remember the choreography.

I couldn’t find a good clip of their routine, so here’s me at the club last weekend:

604_The_Spotlight_1When the full-size girls went out on stage after just seeing the Minis in action, the tweeny bop junior team looked like they were about 27 years old.  It was freaky.

But they nailed it.

After all the dust and glitter settled, Brynn took Fourth Place.  Maddie only received enough points for Second Place.  The Minis took home a Second Place trophy and some grape juice that Melissa swiped from the photo shoot when no one was looking.

And the ALDC Big Girls won First Place!!!

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And then it was over.

After a few more round of Mom vs. Mom, I mean.

And then it was really over.  I thought.

Until next week, that is, when Gianna said they were all dancing together.  All of ’em.

Big and Little and Mini and anyone else who happens to drop by the ALDC Coral for a hoe down.  You know there’s always parking in the front if you want to swing by and try to get in on the action.

And then Ashlee pulled one last AshleeMove and Melissa stormed off, dragging and clunking her luggage into the door frame like she did in Season One when she tried to carry all those trophies at once.  Remember that?

But it’s really over now.  I swear.

Go buy Seventeen Magazine.

See you next time!

kk1

Dance Moms: Attention Shoppers. The ALDC Team Is Once Again Available In Toddler Sizes. The Minis Are Here.

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016

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Lawd, just gimme the strength to keep my hair on point with all of these screaming babies.

 

 

jb

 

 

So if that’s not the real Justin Bieber teaching our kids Hip Hop, Imma need to update Instagram.

 

 

pt

 

 

No. I’m serious. I will literally stab myself with this curling iron if she wears pigtails again.

 

 

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Why do we have to park out back by the dumpster? That meter has been empty for 3 weeks.

 

 

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Mama’s got her sensible shoes on today, so if you all wanna run back to PA we can do this.

 

 

tlc

 

 

I specifically gave her a Toddlers & Tiaras name, but then TLC cancelled the show. So here we are, Lifetime.

 

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These chicks are straight up crazy. Just gimme my trophy so I can get back to Foot Locker.

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

It’s always the quiet ones.

And the little ones.  Definitely the little ones.

Those are the ones you really gotta look out for.  Just ask anyone at the ALDCLA.

And they’d know, because after weeks of build-up it was the Invasion Of The Minis.

In an effort to extend the shelf life of her brand…and since there is still no Time Machine invented that will allow us to go back and relive these Dance Moms memories again…

originalAbby Lee Miller had begun the search for the next generation of bite-sized wannabes to carry on her ALDC Legacy.  Pittsburgh 2.0, as it were.

Side note:  Look at those little niblets sitting on the floor right there.  They’re like 2 years old.  Where did the time go?  And where did Brooke and Paige and Chloe and Vivi go?

Gimme a moment.
oprah-cryingAs everyone lined up for the Pyramid of Shame in their new sparkly LA workout gear, Abby announced the impending arrival of the MiniSquad.

Hand-picked at a recent cattle call audition (…that for some reason required two bowls of munchies that were off limits to that other guy there…) the new crop of dancers would be training at the studio, but not competing at this time.  And since none of them were old enough to drive yet, they would most likely be accompanied by their mothers.

twoDance Moms Math:  More Moms = More Drama.  Just throwing that out there.

Holly Math:  Junior Team + MiniSquad + TMZ + Only 24 Hours In A Day = Trouble.

We heart Holly.  She has a PhD, you know.  Not in Math.  I forget what it is, but I know it’s not Math.  But somehow she still figured out that this was not gonna work out very well.

And then she made this HollyFace.

hfA number of times, actually.

Season Six is looking like a banner year for the #HollyFace hashtag.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Kendall, Nia (…“Excuse me Boo, you’re in my way”…) Sioux and Mackenzie or MackZ or whatever it is now.  I thought we were back to just plain Mackenzie Ziegler, but then Abby referred to her in the past-tense and I got confused.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, who for some reason looked more like Maddie‘s sister than Maddie’s sister did this week.

Top o’ the Heap:  Kalani!  It wasn’t really clear if she was Top Dawg for her dancing skills or for not misplacing her newborn brother, because Abby kind of slipped Jett‘s birth announcement in with some rambling sumthin sumthin about being a good babysitter and Pyramid rankings.  But either way…congrats.

Yes.  The TV World finally caught up with the Real World and Kira had that baby!

Kisses.  What a peanut.

640_jett2This week, the gang was headed to the Devotion 2 Dance Competition.  I love when everyone cheers and gets all excited before Abby even finishes the sentence.  They don’t even know what they’re clapping for yet.

Kendall scored a solo titled ‘All Eyes On Me’ while JoJo got her BowBow yanked out and was handed an ‘I’ll Show You The Dark Side’ character solo.

Side note:  Maddie was MIA again, strictly observing Abby’s new moratorium on not doing any outside activities other than dancing at the ALDCLA by doing an outside activity that didn’t involve dancing at the ALDCLA.

I swear.  Dance Rules are harder to understand than Dance Math.

Melissa‘s hair looked nice, BTW.

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The group routine was going to be a Hip Hop number called ‘Straight Outta Pittsburgh’ because Gianna was nowhere to be found and the internet has yet to beat this one into the ground, yo.  And neither have I, apparently.

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You heard me.  Hip Hop.

The kids went bonkers, especially when Rumor Noel and some guy named Guy Amir came running into the studio.  Dat’s rite.  Two ALDCLA faculty members were gonna drop it like it was hot this week!!  Lyrical Whaaaat?

These.  Two.  Can.  Dance.

Hat Fact:  When they blur out the logo on your snapback, you know you’re a rockstar.

And then the Minis arrived.

Hundreds of them.  All at once.  And so cute.

gallery-1447351903-giphyOne of them even looked like she was a newborn.  But she made it inside with a little help.

orange-the-golden-retriever-puppy-needs-a-little-help-going-down-the-slide

And then the Moms came in and the party really got started.

Side note:  These Pageant Name Generating Machines.  Where do I get one?

We met Tiffanie and her daughter Alexus, who I assume was named after somebody else named Alexis and the luxury automobile they use to carpool to dance class.

We also met Sari and her daughter Areana.  Very smiley, I must say.

And then it was Kerri and her daughter Peyton.  Was it just me, or did she introduce her daughter like “I just got these Louboutins at Nordstrom and had to Pay a Ton.”  You hear that?  Not Peyton.  Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton.

I liked her just for that, because you know I’m all about the drama.

And don’t forget Mary and her daughter Alysa.  She was missing an ‘S‘ in her name, but immediately got Bonus Points for dressing up like my favorite Star Trek character from the Shatner days.  I love whatever that is that’s going on in her hair right now.

stThis show.  I swear.  We love these kids.

If there’s not a Season 7, Bryan Stinson‘s gonna have to change his phone number.

The next day as the Minis all bounced around like they were inside one of those germ infested inflatable Chuck E. Cheese castles, the big girls got to getting their Hip Hop on with the help of…count ’em…not one, but THREE boy dancers!

YAAAAS!  Abby surprised the team with the addition of a dude trio who all danced like *NSYNC and yet somehow still looked like they should be hosting Blue’s Clues.

Ryan, Blake and Kenneth were in the ALDC hizzle, fo’ shizzle.

And let’s just say The Three Musketeers had it going on.  Boom.

Oh.  Holly and Melissa kept making these faces every time they stepped on a Mini.

Those little babies were Every.  Where.

mhTo up the ante a little bit, Abby had Brynn learning Kendall’s solo right alongside her, for no apparent reason other than to push all of my MomCrush Jill‘s buttons.

Spoiler Alert:  It was working.

Nia was also tag teaming JoJo’s routine, just in case, but the two of them seemed to be playing quite nicely together.  When the BowBow comes off, JoJo seems to lose some of her SpazSpaz.  She and her Mom make me spit out my drink every time they open their mouths.

Side note:  If you watch all the Minis running around and imagine a doggy squeak toy going off every time they take a step, it’s pretty hilarious.  I wish I had sound effects.

As solo rehearsals progressed, Jill was getting more protective of Kendall’s personal space and attempted to create some kind of Invisible Dance Moms Force Field around her daughter to keep Brynn from getting all up in her grill.

Ashlee picked on Jill.  Jill picked on Ashlee.  These two did this again.

mhAnd then Jill finally warned Ashlee to take it down a notch, sistah.

Remember the ALDC Pecking Order.

Hashtag: I Died.  Jill Vertes quoted RuPaul’s Drag Race and now I’m done for day.

not-today2Lucky for us, yet unfortunate for the children caught in the crossfire, the Drag Queen Drama continued when Brynn (…allegedly…) got too close to Kendall’s imaginary bubble and Jill noted that if Ashlee’s kid had a brain in her head she would move out of the way.

Ladies.  Start your engines.

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Jill and Ashlee tore into the studio.

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Jill said whatever this was…

j1And then said something else that got the snapback treatment…

jBack out in the hallway, Jill told Brynn she should have stepped aside and not been in front of Kendall and that she should never talk back to adults when Brynn tried to explain that she didn’t do anything wrong and would have moved if she was aware that she had been in anybody’s orbit which Jill may or may not have believed which in turn made Brynn cry and caused Ashlee to come (drag)racing over to yank her baby away from Jill who just kinda stood there for a second while Mackenzie decided she should be crying too for some reason while everyone got dragged into what was either a voting booth or a Macy’s fitting room to have a group meltdown while Melissa tried to run to the rescue in the most inappropriately high stilettos for such an activity.

And the whole thing totally deserved that one long run-on sentence.  So you’re welcome.

I live for editing.  There.  I said it.

Did I forget to mention that Holly swooped in to snatch all the kids out of harm’s way?

Because she did.  Totally.  Because that’s what she always does in a crisis.

Remember when this happened…

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And then this happened…

tumblr_n0vak1nSo31qk08n1o2_500And Holly was all like…

tumblr_mn9y8nUs9u1qdwtljo1_r2_400And then she was all like “EverybodyOutGetTheKidsOutEverybodyOutGetTheKidsOut!!!” 

BY06jWmI love how Holly’s immediate instinct is to always Save The Children.

And make this #HollyFace all the time, of course.  That’s key.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500The next day, everyone was licking their wounds and giving SideEye when one of the Minis had a MiniMeltdown and wanted to leave California for ever.

I’m done.  Done.

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Tiny Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton didn’t wanna play no more and wanted to take all her toys and go home.  She was almost at the Hiccup Crying stage fercryingoutloud, the poor thing.  Nobody even offered her a kleenex.

Dance Moms Rule #1:  Everybody has to quit at least once and come back.

It’s in the contract, honey.

So they did.  Abby trailed them out into the parking lot and convinced them to come back inside and watch the rehearsals.  Which they did.  So one crisis averted.

For now, anyhooo.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Safety First:  If Kendall doesn’t get off that damn phone when she’s walking into the venue every week she’s gonna fall in an uncovered sewer department manhole someday.

I swear.  Kids and their electronics.

It was also time for Abby to receive a call from her lawyer regarding all the hidden profits from this whole extravaganza.  The alleged ones, I mean.  Almost forgot that part.

aI guess Saving All Those Tears For Your Pillow doesn’t qualify as a rule when you’re looking at a couple years in the slammer, because Abby cried and then cried some more and then took off in her car for the rest of the episode, after putting on the most comfortable looking fur-lined teal old lady moccasins I’ve evah seen and then blowing me a personal air kiss out the window.

She’s outta here till next week.

Backstage, Jill kinda sorta apologized for yelling or not yelling at Brynn and Ashlee told Jill she was sorry that Jill was such a bitch.  Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I couldn’t follow it either.

But Ashlee was all like…

Bianca-Del-Rio-RuPauls-Drag-Race-Really-bitch-Gif

…and then Jill looked at her all like…

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So, yeah…that went nowhere.

Side note:  The fact that Bianca Del Rio is wearing the same top that Jill was wearing when she flipped out on Abby just proves that all my worlds are slowly colliding and there’s nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable.  Pray for me.

Speaking of old ladies, tho.  (The slippers…not Jill and Ashlee.  Gah.)  Somebody needs to send me the youtube link to whatever dance troupe did that crazy routine with the Nicki Minaj nursing home ladies pushing walkers who booty slapped themselves and then went to Old Country Buffet.  Please tell me you see that number when they cut back from commercial.  That was whack.

Kendall’s solo went well, even though Ashlee felt otherwise.  JoJo’s makeup and solo were both equally crazy.

And then the Blue’s Klues Krew arrived in the Green Room to show the West Coast how the almost East Coast Pittsburgh do it.

This kids’ face, tho.  Welcome to the ALDCLA, sparky.

wtfThe Hip Hop number was In. Sane.

Saluting both Pittsburgh’s 412 area code and Vivi-Anne’s legendary Bee Costume…

v2…the ALDCLA wrecked the place.

kjI think Nia got dis, ‘mmmkay?

niaNailed.  It.

And of course, it took First Place.

Not that the emcee could read her card with those crazy bangs she was styling.

But they won.  Trust me.

JoJo came in Second in her age division.  Despite Ashlee’s grumblings, Kendall scored First Place in her age category and even got to stand next to a little girl who looked like she was plucked right off the Olympic medal risers.  You see that?

And then it was over.

Hip Hop Redemption.

And a Mini Invasion.

Just another week at the ALDCLA.

Time to back this thing up and buzz outta here.

See you next time.

vivi-stein-bee-dance


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