Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are Back For The Reunion. Somebody’s Gonna See Stars Tonight.Wednesday, May 13th, 2015
If I knew it was a Fashion Blog this week, of course I would’ve put on a damn dress.
It wouldn’t bother me if every chair and couch in this whole place was #Empty right now.
Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me?
Megaphones at any Reunion Show are just a bad idea, kids. The More You Know.
I’m just saying that there’s no way these boobs are real. Am I really the only one who can see them?
Can we just go back to MoleGate before I lose my s*** and rip the other sleeve off this chick’s dress?
Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia.
Well, my goodness.
They clean up nice, don’t they?
It’s the Dance Moms Reunion. The one night when all your favorite ALDC Moms can get as blinged-out as their cell phones and sit around talking shizzz with Andy Cohen‘s brother from another mother, Jeff Collins.
That’s right. Jeff was back to grill the Moms as only Jeff can.
Spoiler Alert: Things getting too uncomfortable? Feel a fist fight coming on? Shoes about to come off? Let’s just table that and watch Maddie spin around for awhile.
Oh, Jeff. That was close.
And you know the love/hate relationship I have with these Reunion Specials, because they leave me with more questions than answers by the time Kim of Queens comes on.
Like…where do they film this damn thing? I say it every time. Where IS this secret Dance Moms Bunker? I don’t even see any doors. I’m not as concerned with how you get in as how you would ever escape it Abby Lee Miller really started to lose her nutty.
And where do they keep finding this infomercial audience? I mean, srsly.
I love them. Love. But if they all went home with lovely parting gifts that I didn’t receive, I’m gonna be so upset.
And how about that guy with the green pants? Dude. You’re not in the bleachers at Fenway Park. Put your legs together. There’s kids watching this at home.
And his girlfriend with the giant “MEOW” on her sweater? What? Like the “BIFF!” and “ZZZWAP!” and “KAPOW!” you get every time Batman hits the Joker. Maybe she thought this was one of those live audience things for Cooking With David on QVC.
And don’t even get me started on whatever was on that other lady’s shirt that had to be blurred out every time they swept the audience. If there’s even the most remote possibility that your mug might end up on national television, don’t wear anything with Madonna‘s face or swear words on it. Just don’t.
On the other hand, maybe the producers were so busy checking for weapons as everyone passed through the bunker’s metal detectors that they overlooked some of the more questionable wardrobe choices. Or maybe I’m just jealous my invite got lost in the mail.
Memo to self: Go back and check the last Reunion on the DVR, because Jeff’s hair seemed…I dunno. Maybe it was the colored lights. Was it just me?
But we love Jeff. Especially now that he has his pocket square under control. Remember that one time it looked like a magician’s handkerchief that you could keep pulling and pulling and pulling until both of the Hyland kids popped out of his jacket? Hilarious.
Anyway. Everyone got to dress up like they were going somewhere fancy. But it didn’t look like they were all going to the same place this year. It was a little random. You’ll see.
And it was called “Seeing Stars.” Because I don’t know why.
I’m not sure if they were referencing the Hollywood Walk of Fame ones or the ones that always spin around cartoon people’s heads after they get punched in the throat.
But everyone was gonna see some tonight. One way or the other.
First up was Abby in the hot seat. She wasn’t very dressed up at all, considering. It was like one of those pant suit things that your relatives who don’t ever wear dresses would wear to your graduation. The same relatives who don’t wear shorts in the Summer no matter how hot it gets outside and haven’t put on jeans since the ’80s.
Yeah. I’m talking to you, Aunt Louise.
Abby and Jeff briefly discussed the expansion of the ALDC franchise and then started right in on her fragile relationship with Holly and Nia.
Side note: Did Jeff really ask Abby what the Los Angeles ALDC was going to be called?
Does he not watch the show? Because if he doesn’t, he needs to tell me what happened this week on Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. since I’m about two months behind thanks to Dance Moms.
Hint: ALDCLA. We heart Jeff.
Out comes Holly, looking just fine in her floor length royal blue number with the open back and sparkly shoes. Like she was going to announce the nominees for Best Animated Short or something. We love Holly big time.
Side note: Clearly, this recap will have nothing to do with what actually happened. You might want to find another blog with better focus if that’s your thang this week.
For the next hour, Holly basically unleashed every HollyFace we have seen thus far throughout the season. But with fancier earrings.
Flashback: Holly standing in front of those empty pet store lockers, screaming at Abby about accountability and respect. They never really did explain what happened to all the puppies. I hope they found good homes.
Holly shared some of her favorite Pittsburgh memories and then we took a DanceBreak with the fan favorite ‘Stomp The Yard’ routine.
That’s one of my favorites, too. Especially the part at the beginning when all the girls shimmy forward and do that side snap thing with their right hands. I still don’t know what it’s called, but I use it a lot now while I’m waiting for the crosswalk light to change.
After the break, Jeff called out Melissa and my MomCrush Jill. Mrs. Z was in one of those silver sparkly cocktail dresses that you’d wear to somebody’s holiday house party when you want to make sure you look better than the hostess.
I see what you did there, Melissa.
Not gonna lie.
I expected Jill to come out in some long ballgown that required half the de-commissioned ALDC Phase 2 dancers as roadies just to make certain the train didn’t get caught in the green room door. Like the people who hold down Macy’s balloons so they don’t float away in high winds and hit a telephone pole during the parade.
Psych. She was in a sweet white hot blazer/skinny bottom combo that made her look exceptionally beeyoot but still strong enough to be a woman in a man’s world at her part-time silicon valley CEO job. Bump-It free, but her hair was on point.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: That was it, I just did it backwards.
Holly, Jill and Melissa went a few more rounds in the Who’s Scared of Abby Battle and it made me sad that they’re not as chummy as they used to be. But I have the Faith.
And so did this guy in the audience…
…who was all like WTF at first and then ’bout fell outta his pew when Holly started talking educated woman talk. He’s my new hero.
Sometimes I really just need this show to be two hours long.
Holly clearly stated that if Abby wouldn’t do right by Nia as her Manager, she’d have to step up and take action as the Momager. Which made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, because that show had Momagers and they were all insane.
And it was awesome.
Side note: When Jill (…unintentionally or nah?…) slammed Abby over the music video dramzzz (…“Nia had all these celebrity helpers. All I had was Abby Lee Miller”...) the whole audience was all Oooooh and Aaaaaaah and OhNoSheDin’t as Abby tried to process what just happened.
I see what you did there, Jill.
Abby claimed that Holly had changed Nia for her video and through the magic of new hair made her somehow #StarInSomeoneElse’sLife, but I’m pretty sure the 4 bazillion iTunes and youtube hits beg to differ.
Naturally, the whole thing once again shifted to the two dudes in silver speedos that seemed to really get under Abby’s skin. Jeff asked if there was a double standard when it came to Nia’s backup dancers vs. Shia LaBeouf in his Fruit of the Looms rolling around with Maddie in a birdcage.
You could literally turn off the volume right here and still know what was going on.
Melissa’s nervous eye twitch came back. Abby referenced Sia and her music videos about a yogabbagabbazillion times. And we learned that Jeff uses an inhaler when he’s about to pass out.
The only thing we didn’t learn was the answer to the question. Not awkward at all.
Then all of the sudden they showed a clip of my girl Vivi-Anne spinning in the wrong direction during some duet with Mackenzie. Honestly, I don’t know if it was a vintage flashback or something they filmed yesterday, because she looks and dances exactly the same every time I see her.
So there’s that to ponder now, too.
After another DanceBreak for ‘Freak Show’ (…nice beard, Kalani…) Jeff brought out Jessalynn and Kira to stir things up a bit.
True Fact: JoJo‘s Mom was heading to Coachella right after filming wrapped, because she was all flowy and pastel-y (…is that even a real word?…) in some one-sleeved number that you know has a gigantic matching hat somewhere.
We really like Jessalynn now that she’s the good kind of whacky.
I’m not sure where Kira was going after the show. But where ever it was, I’m pretty sure who boobs were gonna get there first. Did you see those things? No wonder the guy in the green pants couldn’t…
Never mind. I forgot kids might be online.
Look at that face, tho. You know he totally got caught staring.
For everyone else, I mean.
Abby started listing off a rap sheet of issues and grievances that she had with Jessalynn:
She wasn’t using a speech therapist for her daughter. She wasn’t getting JoJo her shots (…medical, not liquor, I’m assuming…) and not sending her to school. Because school is important. Suddenly, anyway.
Wait. What? Wasn’t Abby the one who used to preach Home Schooling? Or did I miss another episode? Wasn’t that the rule last season?
Abby even mimicked those hand up/hand down hearing tests you take in elementary school before yelling at Melissa so loudly that MamaZ put her left foot up by mistake.
Kira’s boobs, tho.
DanceBreak: JoJo’s bloody ‘Prom Queen’ routine. When a 6th grader covered in pig’s blood is the most normal thing happening on your television screen, it’s a good day.
And then Chaos Cathy returned. With her megaphone. Because…of course.
Not gonna lie. I was a little concerned that Cathy and Melissa were wearing the same metallic eye shadow. Do you think they’re secretly besties and this is all for show? They were both in pretty sparkly dresses, too, even though Cathy’s looked a little more like the kind you can throw right in the washing machine if you spill anything on it during your faculty Spring Fling or death defying high wire trapeze act.
Jeff strapped everyone into their seats and proudly discussed Vivi-Anne’s recent US Citizenship, which received polite applause all around. Good for her. And God Bless America. Home of the Brave and Friendly’s Ice Cream cakes shaped like whales.
DanceBreak: Maddie in her raggedy ‘All God’s Creatures’ sweater. Remember when Abby was having her mental breakdown meltdown and bragged about how she was up ALL night making that costume?
Girl, pleez. I can snag a sweater just getting off the couch.
The final guest of the evening was Jeanette Cota.
From the non-NYC Broadway Dance Academy.
I don’t know where she was going after the show either, but it wasn’t any place where you might have to bend over at the end of the night. Dang.
Ava‘s Mom was snug as a bug in that black dress.
We like Jeanette. Especially when her hair is straight.
Honestly, I don’t even know what happened after she showed up because everyone started arguing and yelling at each other and it made me nervous.
Side note: I know she was trying to be all dramatical and all, but when you end your screaming fit with “I got you a Coney Dawg!” you lose some of your steam.
With mustard, of course. Thank you for your participation in the conversation, Cathy.
Jeff called Jeanette a former member of the ALDC, which most of the Moms took issue with since she and Ava were only given a test run before being booted back out the door.
Then there was more arguing and yelling about who was using who (…or is it ‘whom?’…I never know…) in their search for stardom until Jeff finally decided to table the whole thing and sing that song from ‘Frozen’ one mo’ time.
Cracking under pressure is how Jeff and I roll. DanceBreak, anyone?
And then it was over.
Well, after a few more memories and some last minute smack that Cathy, Abby and Jeanette managed to squeeze in under the wire.
We even got to see the Original Recipe girls in a few brief clips, which was pretty nifty.
Twitter liked that so much it almost broke. We miss you Brooke and Paige and Chloe!
And then it was really over.
Now that the Moms all unloaded a little bit of their emotional baggage on the couch, it was time to go home and repack it all for Australia.
You heard it, mate.
Dance Moms is going Internationale.
Smells like fun, right?