Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Spoilers’

Dance Moms: I Want My ALDC TV! It’s The Pop Star Music Video Battle When Kendall And Nia Sioux Go Hollywood.

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

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I said Who Run The World? Vertes Girls.

 

 

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Where did I park? This isn’t even my damn car! I swear LA is worse than the Mall at Christmas.

 

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I’ll gladly snap off Abby’s arms if she wants to see how hard it is to dance without jazz hands.

 

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Sweetie, Imma need you to get yo’ Mama under control or I swear she’s going in Time Out right now.

 

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When he said I was too tall to be in the video and to stop whipping my hair, it hurt my feelings.

 

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I feel just like one of the Kardashians. Except with talent. And natural beauty. And a job.  #SIYOL

 

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That was like really good. They totally get a unicorn sticker with a smiley face. And some glitter.

 

 

 

Attention.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your chopper engines.

And plug in your fog machine and marquee nameplate while you’re at it.

Because it’s the Battle of the Pop Stars: Video Edition.  And it starts right now.

As Abby Lee Miller and the Dance Moms crew got ready to say goodbye to Hollywood for a second time, they made sure to pack the final week with enough shocking plot twists and MTV-inspired Mama Drama to keep everybody on their pointed toes.  Video might not kill the ALDC stars, but it’s definitely going to take awhile for the bruises to heal.

The party started right out of the TSA security gate this week inside a super massive airplane hangar filled with enough MMC (…MilitaryManCandy…) to keep even Abby off her iPhone for a few hours.

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Atten-hut!  It was the filming of Kendall‘s “Wear Em Out” music video.

Part Vertes/Andrew Sisters doo wop, part Dance Dance Revolution for Xbox 360, Kendall and her girls busted their moves all over the place while a platoon of soldier boyz did their thang in the background.  Marching in formation, doing morning calisthenics and getting Poland Springs water thrown in their face by Abby, the troops somehow managed to keep it together as KendallK (…like MackZ, but with a ‘K‘…) unleashed her upcoming single in front of the cameras.

Or at least most of them kept it together.  Check out Left Shark here doing the wimpiest half-a**d jumping jack ever when Sergeant PrettyGirl walks by:

tumblr_nn6fh1kjIu1tb8iyko4_400Kendall is pretty, too.  Just like her sisters.  Who were also in the video.

I don’t really know how many Vertes Sisters there are, because every time you turn around it seems like there’s another one on Instagram going to Prom or CheerCamp or something.  But they’re all pretty, because they take after my MomCrush Jill.  And it’s not creepy at all that I know they’re on Instagram and have boyfriends.

And check out Right Shark here looking all nervous that his Mom is gonna find out he skipped school for the video shoot and see Abby Lee Miller rubbing his belly like she’s making some dirty wish on a Buddha statue:

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There was also a dog on set for some reason that kept showing up on social media.

And speaking of Social Media.  Hold that thought until we’re done the Pyramid of Shame.

Shocking Plot Twist #1: The Pyramid wasn’t a Pyramid.  It was just a stack of photos, two in each row.  I know, right?  Crazy pants.

JoJo and MackZ (…I think she might just be plain Mackenzie again right now…) were on the bottom.  Nia and Kalani were in the middle.  And then Kendall and Maddie were on the top.  So it was pretty much still a Pyramid, but just not in a triangle shape.  It was also kinda sorta implied that each level was a tie, but I didn’t think Abby allowed anyone to be tied with Maddie so I might have to refer to the judges for a decision.

Shocking Plot Twist #2:  Who.  Were.  Kids.

Seriously.  The judges at this week’s Dance Kids USA competition were going to be children.  Which must have made my new girlfriend Rachelle Rak throw something at her television when that was announced, because how can one week be judged by The Sas and then the next week be judged by three girls who probably still wear retainers to bed?

It’s like we’re living in a world with no rules now.  The Dance Apocalypse is upon us.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Maddie was going to perform at The Grammys this year.  Polite applause all around.mm

Hopefully Melissa still has that lawyer on speed dial from a few years ago (…when she was going to sue all the Original Recipe Moms for talking smack about her Boo…I mean, Boss…) because I think Sia adopted Maddie when nobody was paying attention.

And I’m not jealous at all.  I just want to be Maddie, that’s all.

JoJo and Kendall scored solos.  JoJo was going to be strapped inside a straight jacket and try to dance her way out of it like a spunky Houdini, while Kendall needed to learn how to fling around whatever those big sticks are called that drum majors use when they lead the band at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The group routine, entitled ‘Platinum,’ was a choreographed interpretation of record albums going platinum on the Billboard charts and would allow the girls to wear hats made out of leftover CDs since nobody buys CDs anymore.

Side note:  Every word out of Abby’s mouth this week came with an implied dig at Nia.

You can insert them wherever you’d like, because that woman was relentless when it came to creating competition between Kendall and Nia’s videos.

Abby was still mad that Holly (…allegedly…) went behind her back and took charge of Nia’s blossoming music career.  Holly was still mad that Jill was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls.  Jill was still mad that Holly was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls.

I was still mad that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial and won’t give me the number.

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I swear.  Everyone was mad about something.

Side note:  For a moment it almost felt like I missed an episode somewhere.  All of the sudden, Jill and Abby were BFFs (…remember when my MomCrush was still a Studio Hopping Cowboy Hat Wearing Blah Blah Blah?…) and Jessalynn and Kira‘s pinky swear pact to support Holly had somehow been rendered null and void since last week.

Is it just me?  Did I miss something?

As the girls rehearsed and the Moms chillaxed by the closed circuit SpyCam, Jill complained that Holly was doing nothing but name dropping every time she casually mentioned how excited she was for Nia’s upcoming video shoot.

Don’t shove it in my face, woman.

Let’s be honest here.  If Janet Jackson‘s makeup person was applying my chapstick for me, I would freakin’ put it on a t-shirt.  And a billboard.  And even the butt of my sweats like they do at Victoria’s Secret and then back dat thang all the way up Main Street.

(Maybe not the part about Kim Kardashian‘s hair stylist doing my hair.  Because, you know…Kim Kardashian.  I’d stick with the Katy Perry spin on that one.)

But the other part?  Fo’ sho.

Side note:  When Nia asked Abby if she would be able to come to her video shoot, she was so mature and level headed when Abby tried to punch her in the throat.  We could all learn a little something about keeping your s*** together from that girl.

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Holly and I both agreed that we would have lost our nutty on the spot, but Nia kept it together and politely agreed to disagree with Abby on the whole MattyBgate scandal.

And the Aubreygate scandal.  And the Momager/Managergate scandal.  And the TodrickHallgate scandal.  And the YouSoldOutgate scandal.

Apparently there are a lot of unresolved issues here.

But all that would have to wait.  Because it was time for Nia’s video shoot!

Which was Off.  The.  Hook.

You know how in soap operas when sometimes a little kid will go upstairs after dinner and then come down the next morning about 10 years older played by a totally different actor because they needed to speed up the storyline for May sweeps?  It was just like that.

Now you know I don’t like to play favorites, because all these girls are redoinkulously talented and deserve all the success and opportunities that this show has given them over the last five years.  But you also know that Nia’s my girl.

And now she’s all grown up and I’m a little emotional.

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Srsly.  When they slapped that weave on her head I was all like LaQuifaWhaaa—? and probably had the same face that Mackenzie has in that picture with Maddie up there.  The only way I can explain it is that somehow the Janet makeup brush must have still had Jackson DNA on it, because all of the sudden Miss Nia was legit FIERCE.

She popped it and locked it and bounced it and So You Think You Can Dance‘d it like a seasoned pro.  There was so much visual stimulation going on that Holly and I were both told to take a seat or risk being removed from the set.

Memo to choreographer Mikey Minden:  You might want to bring along JoJo’s straight jacket for the next shoot, because Mama was going off like she had just won a Dance Moms Meet & Greet or something.  Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to simmer down or go to the back of the line to catch your breath.

Check out Nia werkin’ it like I do when I try on last year’s summer clothes and they still fit:

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Aubrey even showed up wearing lipstick that was way too dark for that early in the day with a ginormous congratulatory floral arrangement.   FYI:  She hated Abby now.  And wanted to check her.  Like Shereè O’Day from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Who gon’ check me, Boo?  (A pointless reference if you don’t watch the show.)

I’m not even getting into how Fabulous Mikey Minden was this time around, because if you don’t already know that Mikey Minden is Fabulous, I just need you to stop reading this right now and walk away from your computer before somebody gets hurt.

Fab.  U.  Lous.  Fist Pump.  Sparkle Fingers.

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Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Melissa showed Abby all the social media postings that Holly had been sending out during Nia’s video shoot.

Side note:  Melissa probably wouldn’t have had to hold the phone so close to Abby’s face if she’d stop refusing to wear her readers while the cameras are rolling.  As much as Abby drives me crazy sometimes, I was sincerely concerned that all the bling from Melissa’s phone could possibly blind her if the sunlight caught it at just the right angle.

And then it slowly started to go downhill from here.

Abby didn’t approve of the new and improved Nia Sioux.  Or the tweet from Aubrey stating that Miss Frazier If You’re Nasty was gonna kill any other Dance Moms video in the history of Dance Moms videos.  Kill it.

The next day, everything completely unraveled when Abby took everyone to see the new ALDC LA space she had just rented.  As she took the girls inside to check out their new West Coast crib, she left all the Moms outside.

Alone.

Which is never a good idea anymore.

Jill and Holly went at it.ma

Holly couldn’t understand why none of the Moms were willing to celebrate Nia’s success for one day.  Just one day, people.  She’s been supporting all the girls since way back when Brooke was still getting cake in the face on Date Night, so it didn’t really seem like an unreasonable request to me.

As always, since you know I hate confrontations, we’re skimming over most of the street fight.  You can debate who was right and who was wrong in the chat rooms or in the comment section down below.  I don’t like when people fight.

Jill got mad and claimed that Holly clearly went over the posted internet limit for video shoot postings, which I didn’t know even existed out there on the world wide web.  Holly yelled.  Jill yelled.  They both talked with their hands a lot while the other Moms casually drifted in and out of both sides of the argument.

And then the whole thing just turned into a sloppy Mom on Mom pig pile.  Abby even came outside and made things worse by stating that there was a lot of content in Nia’s video that she didn’t care for and pushed every one of Holly’s buttons she could reach.  Here we go.

Side note:  If we’re looking to find any humor in such a sad situation, Holly reminded me of myself in high school when I used to have fights outside the building while waiting for the bus to take me home.  I’d yell and walk away and then think of something else to say and come back and then walk away and then come back with yet another zinger.  I think I even had those Jordache jeans she was wearing with the big pocket stitching.

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I swear, if they had Fitbits back in the good ol’ days I could have burned off my 10,000 daily steps just fighting over who said what at the the last cafetorium dance.  Dump me because I’m too short?  Really?  Well, I’m still short and you’re still a bitch.

Wait.  What?

Holly wanted to know how silver body paint was any worse than a nude body suit.

OhNoSheDin’t.  A Sia jab?

Boom.  Slam-dunk.  Nothing but net.

But it was sad.  And Holly cried in somebody’s car, which made me sad.  She wanted to share the joy with her friends, but they were Abby’s friends now I guess.

Whoever let her sit in their car was a nice person, tho.  So she has at least one friend.

And that’s a good thing, right?  I don’t like it when my Moms fight.  Especially when there’s a whole underlying life lesson to be learned about support systems and a Mother’s love and friendships and standing up for your beliefs and values.

Let’s face it.  I’m not big on grown up stuff.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  That was the biggest butterfly blouse I’ve ever seen.

We love Jill.  Period.  End of sentence.

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JoJo’s solo was sufficiently crazy, but unfortunately did not even place in the competition.  When her arms finally came out of the straight jacket, it was like she trying to scale the walls of the ALDC Asylum and get the heck out of Dodge.  I feel your pain sometimes.

I believe that JoJo is contractually obligated to only wear her side pony on the left.

Kendall’s solo was sufficiently Macy’s, but only scored Fifth Place.  Abby told her backstage that if she cried she would have to do 100 push ups, most likely with her mother on her back the way things were going this week.  Later in the afternoon when JoJo cried she didn’t have to do push ups, unless they just didn’t show them on television.

Side note:  Was this event held in a prison?  Did you see those lockers and that hallway?

The group routine reminded me of choreography that Chloe should have danced for some reason.  Not sure why.  But it made me miss her.  Hey, Chloebird.  Sup?

Side note again:  During the group routine a little balloon popped up in the bottom left corner of my screen that said “Follow Lifetime on Instagram for more hairstyle pics.”

Let me get right on that.

Luckily, the ALDC group dance took First Place, which was the trophy Abby wanted the most.  The rest of the chaos didn’t really matter now, since they were heading back to Pittsburgh in the morning, though I did notice my girl Nia run to that back curtain wall at a pretty good clip.  I’m assuming it was for bagels.

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Because that’s where they keep them, remember?  The More You Know, kids.

And then it was over.

The music videos were off somewhere in post-production and the Moms were a divided mess.  Hopefully they can fix that asap because it’s giving me anxiety.

Throughout all the drama, somehow, the girls were still supported by their Moms, each other and their fan base.

Nia Nation and Kendall Kingdom (…I just made that up…) rallied behind their faves and sent them internet huggies all night.  Friends and Family are important.  And not just for the 25% discount at Lord & Taylor twice a year.

Oh.

I almost forgot.

The judges.  They had glitter cups, Britney headsets and booster seats.  It was awesome.

Only in Hollywood, I guess.

Pittsburgh…we’re coming home.

#StarInYourOwnLife

#WearEmOut

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Dance Moms: Life Is Short. Stop And Smell The Hollywood Roses Or The Whole Thing Will Get A Little Prickly.

Wednesday, April 15th, 2015

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I support Kendall. Unless she tries to wear my new Janet Jackson hair. Then it’s on, Girlfriend.

 

 

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I got enough on my plate right now just dealing with the 3 hour time change and a side pony.

 

 

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So I go to the salon and say “Give me the Ariana Grande” and now it’s like we’re twins, right?

 

 

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Seriously. Now you know why I hang from the chandelier.

 

 

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Trust me. The MDP ain’t scared of a few little pricks like you.

 

 

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I’m just saying if he tweets that video of me Mom Dancing one more time, I’m calling my lawyer.

 

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So when you fall asleep with wet hair in Hollywood, they call it a Beachy Wave. Who knew?

 

 

 

You’re right.

That’s a lot of hair jokes in the first 30 seconds.

But that’s how it went down on Dance Moms this time around.

Between the never ending MamaDrama and the ever changing HairCare, there was a lot going on in Hollywood this week.  A lot.

So much so that if I wasn’t such a lazy couch potato I would totally go back to beauty school and get another degree, because there’s clearly a need for more qualified psychotherapists who can do a blow out.  And I think I’d be awesome at it.

But I love my Moms, regardless of any mood swings or fly aways.  So on with the show.

This week started out on the windy sidewalk in front of 3rd St. Dance studio as everyone filed in for the West Coast Pyramid of Shame.

Sasha Nia was rocking a new hip hop snapback and Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo had a clip-on that was bigger than the gift wrapping on the roof of that Prius in last year’s Toyota Christmas commercial.  I swear that little peanut’s headgear is either gonna stunt her growth or give her the neck strength of those guys who pull Monster trucks around the State Fair race track with their teeth.

Side note:  I need to know who Kira uses as a cell phone provider, because she’s always first with the download of any social media dirt.  Every time you turn around she’s all like LookAtMyPhoneGurl and then flashing a tweet or Facebook sumthin sumthin before anyone else can even get their phone out of their Louis.

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This time it was some smack talk from Erin Babbs and her Murrieta Dance Project, allegedly “looking forward to kicking some Pittsburgh booty” at this week’s competition.

Except they’re called MDP.  Because it’s Hollywood, baby.

If you don’t remember Erin and all the MDP hilarity that ensued when she hooked up with the Candy Apples a few weeks back, you’ll need to Google it yourself and research the details, because the MDP vinyl banner was dangling so crookedly on the MDP back wall that I just can’t right now.

OMG.  MDP.  OCD.

Once they caught their breath after scaling the seven flights of stairs to the ALDC’s rented studio space, the girls had a quick discussion about Kendall‘s upcoming military music video and then quickly changed the subject before MackZ realized that jumping on a twin bed for three minutes doesn’t really compare to parachuting out of an actual Black Hawk helicopter as it explodes in mid-air on an 8-count techno beat.

Wear Em Out, gurrl.  Just Wear Em Out.

Abby does like to pick and choose her favorites on a weekly basis, don’t she?

Side note:  In her one-on-one Real Housewives confessional sniglet, my girl Nia was wearing her new music video hair.  Dang.  SuperLong.  SuperFly.

Miss Frazier, if you’re Nasty.

Spoiler Alert:  Did you see the clips from Nia’s own upcoming music video?

WERK.  All in caps, Miss Thang.  We love Nia.

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This week, the ALDC team colors were white.  And white.  Whatever.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Nia, MackZ and JoJo.  Nia had some technique issues, MackZ got called out for something or other in the group dance and JoJo’s hair bow was so big that I just forgot what I was talking about.

Middle of the pack was all Maddie and Kalani.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Too late.  You missed it.  Abby snuck that one in when she pointed out that Sia doesn’t require any proper technique in her music videos and now Maddie can’t even remember how to do a je ne sais quoi.

Which meant that Kendall was on top!  And so excited.  We all were.  And next week was the taping of her music video.  Double the excitement!  Which was also the week that Nia was filming her own music video.  Triple the excitement!  Which meant that Nia should probably not assist in Kendall’s project becau——

And then Abby cut off Holly in the middle of her conversation just like that.

Girl, pleez.  Holly and I gave the best HollyFaces ever right then.  Both  of us.  You just couldn’t see mine.  But it was awesome.

Cut me off?  I don’t think so.  My BFF has a PhD.

This week the gang was headed to Riverside for another World-Class Talent Experience.  Kalani and Maddie both scored solos.

Abby’s New Implied Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Maddie was going to be MIA again tomorrow because she would performing on the Ellen Show and unless she was doing card tricks or celebrity impersonations, it’s probably safe to assume that it was going to be a Sia dance.  So there you go.  Implied.

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Side note:  Have you seen Ellen’s stuff that she sells on QVC?  Some of it’s cool.  Some of it’s a little countryfied for a city slicker like myself, but I’d still buy some if it was on Easy Pay.  I’ll never understand the whole battery operated timer phenomenon, tho.  I mean, if you’re seriously too lazy to get off the couch, walk over to the mantel and turn on your candle, then I think we have bigger issues here.

Personally, I blame the internet.  And blogs that take forever to get to the point.

Speaking of technology.  So even with my new iPhone 6Plus, iPad, MacBook Pro, Apple TV, two desk calendars and one of those magnetic thingamabobs from the grocery store that’s stuck on my refrigerator, I still somehow missed the notification that it was National Pick On Nia and Make Her Feel Like A Second Class Citizen Day.  Because apparently it was.  At least according to Abby.  Because she was relentless on my girl.

I wasn’t liking it one bit.  And neither was Holly.

(Take Kendall outside and shut the door in my face?  Really?)

But I love the way Holly supports Nia.  Especially when it comes to accountability and equal support for all the girls.  She doesn’t want all this music video hysteria to take away from the experience and the learning and the friendships within the team.

I also love how she ends everything on Twitter with #starinyourownlife.

I bet she totally talks like that in real life.

Buy milk.  Pick up dry cleaning.  Get my hair did.  Did you watch Scandal last night?

Hashtag: starinyourownlife.

If only it were that easy.  As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms got to raising the Homeland Security Tension Level to Orange, we had just enough time to scoot across town to check in on the MDP and their crooked a** banner.

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The girls were all tightly tanned-up and bunned-up (…as previously noted, I haven’t gone to beauty school yet, so I’m not certain that’s the correct term for all those matching Asia Monet Ray hairdos…) and were going through the choreography for their own group routine while Erin yelled at them and talked more cellphone smack about the ALDC.

I don’t think Erin smokes.  I just think she yells too much and could use a Ricola.

The MDP was using a big prop that was either the makeup table from RuPaul’s Drag Race or a bar from Hooter’s.  It was hard to tell.  Since the girls were doing some pretty fancy chair work it could have gone either way, I guess.

You can tell the MDP is all LA.  They look the part.

Back at the ALDC camp the next day, things got uncomfortably heated between Holly and my MomCrush Jill.

Turns out that Kendall, Maddie, Mackenzie and I don’t know who else all ended up hanging out with Todrick Hall the night before.  Like a sleepover or something, I guess.

Except Todrick is a youtube sensation.  And you’re not.

It wasn’t really clear who called who and why Jill just dropped her kid off in an unfamiliar city in the middle of the night without even asking any questions, or why Todrick always wears a Mickey Mouse hat.  But for some reason Nia was the only person not invited.

Well…Nia and me, actually.  Which was not cool at all.

Especially when we both cried ourselves to sleep.  FYI…I don’t like when people cry.

Especially Nia.  Or Kalani.  Or Maddie.  Or MackZ.  Or JoJo.  Or Kendall.

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(And don’t even get me started on next week’s sneak previews already.  Holly crying inside some automobile?  No.  Not doing it.  Unless she caught her finger in the car door, I don’t even want to know what’s going on.  I’m already stressed out.)

I’ll let Todrick off the hook for this week, tho, because realistically nobody would be able to dial a phone wearing those big, floppy Mickey Mouse hands of his (…HellzYah I want Disney to pay MY rent, too…) but I’m not sure why somebody else couldn’t have just knocked on Nia’s hotel door and let her carpool.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Somehow, even when she stormed out of the room like Christi Lukasiak 2.0, she was still on point.  I was especially fond of her plaid blazer the next day when she and Holly kinda sorta made up a little.

Side note:  Where do they go when they keep running out of the room?  Do they just stand on the other side of the door and wait for someone to pull them back inside?  I was afraid Jill might end up wandering the streets and find herself back at Todrick’s again.

Or worse.  Rodeo Drive.  And her credit cards were in the hotel safe.

If you want to see the whole argument, you’ll need to rewind your DVR because you know how I avoid confrontation at all cost.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Fashion Watch:  Digging the new Aria Grande look.  Since I’m sure you hang on my every word, let me just suggest that you wear your hair like that more often.  It’s a really good look.

Plus there’s less to catch on your eyelashes when you NervousBlink.

We love Melissa.  And she doesn’t hate me.  Yet.  So there’s that.

Side note:  The MDP had this tiny little squirt of a kid named Keara doing a solo.  She was really cute and ran in crazy circles around a tree throwing leaves up in the air like she just don’t care.  If this whole Dance Thing doesn’t work out, she already has the perfect misspelled name for Toddlers & Tiaras.

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I think I left out the part where the ALDC girls were having a test run scotch-taping super long fake nails onto their little hands and using them to represent the thorns on a rose.  Which I guess would make more sense if I had also remembered to mention that the group dance was entitled ‘The Rose Garden.’

They were crazy nails.  Like those really, really long, completely non-functional jeweled-out acrylics that the ladies who hold up DMV lines insist on wearing while they try to pick up forms with their lobster claws.  You know who you are, gurrrrlzz.

Tapping them things on the counter ain’t gonna make me process your paperwork any faster, either.  So how ’bout you just take a number and tell your baby to stop crying.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The MDP had broken into the ALDC dressing room and tagged their makeup mirror with some lipstick graffiti welcoming them to the ‘hood.  Not only was it rude, but it was also last season’s color palette.

Melissa scrubbed that thing down like it was radioactive waste.

Maddies’ solo was great, overshadowed only by Abby’s crazy MTV Awards bracelet.  Did you see that thing?  When Lil’ Kim realizes you stole her bling, she gon’ be maaaaad.

Keara, not Kira, ran around in circles until she found a baby tree behind the big tree.  That kid can dance.  Look out when she’s tall enough to ride the rides at Universal.

Kalani followed that one with her own stellar solo.  I think her legs got longer this week.

Right around here, Lifetime snuck in a video clip commercial with all the ALDC girls spazzing out at last year’s Reunion Show having some kind of sleepover slumber party thing that got me so overly stimulated I ended up screaming “GO TO BED!” at my television screen.

Holy Sugar Buzz, Batman.  They were Instagraming and Instagram selfie screaming and having Instagram selfie contests while cartoon Instagram selfie word balloons were flying around like I don’t know what.  Like SpongeBob on selfie acid maybe.

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MackZ’s shoes even popped off.

The two group routines were both really well done.  The ALDC Rose Garden headpieces were so elaborate that I think my cable bill might go up next month.  Clearly the days of Kelly Hyland hot glueing beer can tabs onto the hem of Paige‘s tutus are long gone.

When the awards were finally handed out, it was ALDC all the way.

Not only did little Keara’s ‘Resurgence’ solo only come in 5th Place, but the emcee managed to completely F*** up the name and called it ‘Resurrance,’ which I totally misheard from the kitchen as ‘Sponsored by esurance.’ 

At this point, I don’t even know what makes less sense…the fact that Lifetime didn’t fix that goober in post-production, or that for a minute I actually thought Allstate gave a rat’s a** about lyrical dance on the LadyChannel.

Kalani took Second Place.  Maddie took First.  Bravo!

And then the ALDC shoved the MDP back down to Number Three in the group category by snagging the First Place spot right out from under them.

Everyone was going nuts.  JoJo even popped a fake nail right off and almost blinded some little kid who was chewing on one of those plaques they give everyone.

And then it was over.

Until next week, that is.  When it’s Battle of the Pop Stars: Part Two.

Video Wars.

Which will probably go a little sumthin like dis.

Hashtag:  Well…YouKnow.

Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Werking It And Walking It Back To Hollywood For The Battle Of The Rising Pop Stars.

Wednesday, April 8th, 2015

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Did she just say DALLAS? That was my favorite show. I totally need a selfie with Sue Ellen.

 

 

k

 

 

Whoa. Hold up, Grandma. I don’t care if you are Korean. Nobody touches the hair.

 

 

md1

 

 

Psst. Just pretend you’re a drunk and your sister shot JR or we’ll never get out of here today.

 

 

js

 

 

And you think the racist Korean part doesn’t make any sense? What the **** is happening today?

 

 

md

 

 

Probably not as tired as you are of people still calling you ‘Demi Lovato’s Sister.’ We done?

 

jv

 

 

 

If God wanted me to read contracts and credit card bills, He would’ve made the print a lot bigger.

 

al

 

 

 

We need to wrap this thing up and find a Dairy Queen. Mama’s blood sugar levels are dropping.

 

 

 

Werk It.  Walk It.

Werk It.  Walk It.

And while you’re at it, maybe you should Sign It.

Or at least Read It.  Because you’re in Hollywood now, baby.

Dance Moms was back on the West Coast again this week for ALDC LA: The Sequel.

After less than stellar results during their first trip to California, Abby Lee Miller and Co. had gone home, regrouped, rehearsed and reapplied spf50 and were now back in sunny CA with a reenergized vengeance for Round Two.  With dreams of First Place trophies, Pop Stardom and a franchise that would someday rival a Starbucks on every corner, Abby was looking to mark her turf in a big way this time around.

And nothing was going to stand in her way.

Except maybe the Pyramid of Shame.  Because that always takes priority, even when it’s relocated to the mirrors at the top of 3rd St. Dance Studios.  ALL the way at the top.

(Holy Leg Day, Batman.  You mean to tell me that Abby couldn’t have rented an empty room on the ground floor somewhere?  You see how many stairs they had to climb?  Six floors up and no elevator.  And you know Jill‘s Louis bag weighs a ton with all the crap she carries around on a daily basis.) nh

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Pretty low key this week due to the change in temperature from Pittsburgh to California.  Trust me, Los Angeles humidity doesn’t really lend itself to fur and feathers unless it’s Pride Week.  But Mama V was still getting it done, despite that one uncomfortable head shot confessional where the makeup girl put too much bronzer on her face and forgot the rest of her neck.  Anyone else see that?  But she’s my MomCrush and that makeup girl is out of a job now, anyway.

So, yeah.  Jill’s awesome.

As the gang caught their breath after scaling Mt. Staircase, somebody mentioned that Mackenzie had accompanied Abby around the city to scout out locations for the new ALDC studio.  Apparently Melissa has been secretly homeschooling her kid for a real estate license all this time in case the whole MackZ gangsta rap thing doesn’t work out.

Always have a back-up plan, kids.  The More You Know.

ALDC Fashion Watch:  Now the girls were all in teal ensembles.  Seriously?  Somebody needs to pick a color and stick with it, or my team mascot costume isn’t gonna make any sense when I unveil it at the Reunion Show.

Bottom of the Pyramid was nothing but Mackenzie flying solo.

The only thing worse than being on the bottom of the Pyramid is being the ONLY person on the bottom of the Pyramid.  Ouch.  But she can find you a duplex with walk-in closets and a view of the Pacific Ocean at below market rate.  So whatever.

The Middle Tier was home to Kalani, Nia and Kendall, which meant that the Top Spot was shared by JoJo and Maddie.

mz1

JoJo had taken First Place with her solo last week, while Maddie had not even been in the building.  But Saturday Night Live always trumps anything in the Real World.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Boom.  That was it.

This week the gang was headed to another New York Dance Experience (…in Anaheim, so the name made no sense whatsoever…) where they would once again be critiqued live on stage after each routine by a selection of judges with microphones.

Spoiler Alert:  Yaaaaaaas, Hunty!  I bit that apple and almost choked on it before spitting it back out.  The Sas was Back!  You just sit yo’self back down and wait until showtime.

After all the MattyB drama that ensued the last time they were in California (…resulting in Five Hundred QuaTrillion youtube hits and his own Toys ‘R Us spray cologne by now, no doubt…) all the Moms really hoped to start this trip with a clean slate.  There really wasn’t time for any unnecessary stress considering that Kendall and Nia were getting ready to shoot their first pop music videos and Maddie was still fighting jet lag after flying around the world on Shia LaBeouf‘s private concord.

The Battling Pop Stars both scored solos.  Kendall’s Waiting’ and Nia’s ‘Never Knew’ dance would put the girls head to head not only on stage but also on the iTunes download charts.  Everyone was pretty excited, I gotta say.

The group dance, called ‘Together We Stand’ was Abby’s attempt at pulling everyone back into one United State of Dance.  Putting a splintered ALDC team on stage during their previous Hollywood trip had definitely not worked out very well, so hopefully parading out one big happy family would score higher with the judges this time around.

mz

Oh.  And did we mention that on Friday everyone was going to an Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato‘s sister Dallas?  OMG!

I know, right?  Demi Lovato’s sister.  Who was born in Dallas.  And her name is Dallas.

Shut.  Up.  It’s true.  Because it’s on the internet.  And she was the voice of some animal in some show about a Little Penguin which I’m sure was delightful.

Because penguins are delightful.  Especially little ones.

Needless to say, when Abby unleashed that bit of news on the girls everyone screamed and wet themselves faster than I would if Rachelle Rak ever followed me on Twitter.

Which she did.  And which I may have.  So there’s that, I guess.

As the girls all got down to dance biz, the Moms all headed next door to a fake MomPerch (…complete with a closed-circuit plasma screen like the ones they use in federal prisons…) to watch their kids rehearse and argue about the need for showbiz contracts.

Basically, there was a lot of creative control/legal mumbo jumbo back and forth between Holly and Jill for the remainder of the episode.  Nia had already begun her pop star bootcamp, so Holly was simply trying to pass on what she felt was valuable insider information, but unfortunately most of it just irritated Jill and made Melissa do that rapid eye blink thing she does when people start yelling around her.

Melissa wears contacts, right?  Didn’t we discuss that a long time ago?nh1

Let’s be honest.  The only thing that really mattered was when Abby came in and told Jill that she had already burned through $57,000 on Kendall’s career in just this month alone.

Fifty.  Seven.  With Three Zeroes after it.

Ok.  I just Googled “Gold Grills” and you can purchase what they call a starter grill for only $500.  So what the hell?

Side note:  My search history now includes WhoIsDallasLovato, MattyB videos, shows on Nickelodeon, glitter spandex, oversized hair bows for crazy little girls, the weather during Pride Week, HowHotIsItInsideTeamMascotHeads, gangster rap and cheap gold grills.

I’m so going to jail if Chris Hansen ever finds my hard drive.

Quick.  Let’s lighten the mood and go visit Mikey Minden, Nia’s video choreographer.

Who.  Is.  Fabulous.  Dot.com.

Werking It.  Walking It.  Werking It.  Walking It.

Honestly, the only thing more Fabulous than Mikey were Holly’s Fabulous HollyFaces whenever Mikey opened his Fabulous mouth.

Imagine a long hallway.  Holly looked down the long hallway.  Imagine you back dat thang up against the mirror and shimmy down it like I don’t know what.  Holly looked all around the room like when you point a laser pen at a cat.  Imagine you snatch the microphone and then get all like Hey I just snatched the microphone.  Holly snatched the microphone.  mm

Imagine Janet Jackson‘s makeup artist doing Nia’s face for the video.  Holly couldn’t breath.  Imagine Nia getting her hair done by Katy Perry‘s hair stylist.  Holly blacked out for a minute and almost hit her head.

Side note:  When Mikey wiped himself all over the mirror I made a mental note to start cleaning my shower doors the same way from now on.

I bet even his Scrubbing Bubbles are Fabulous.

Love me some Mr. Minden.  Dude.  Is.  Faaaaaabulous.

When Holly finally picked herself up off the floor, she pointed out that THIS is what LA is all about.  Hollywood, baby.  Hollywood!

Gurrrrrl, pleez.  Free hair AND getting your face painted like a Rhythm Nation dancer?

You are preaching to the choir, sistah.

How could it get any better than this, you ask?

Maybe we should scoot over to the Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato’s sister and see.

Part acting seminar, part timeshare sales pitch and part off-site retail commission training at the Ramada, Dallas put the girls through every audition hoop she could think of to prepare them for life outside the studio.

Side note:  Dallas didn’t look anything like any of the pictures from Google.

After name dropping Selena Gomez a few times, Dallas had each girl pick a random character that was floating around in their head and then do an impromptu group scene.c1

One.  Kalani chose the dumbest sales clerk I’ve ever seen, so I’m assuming it was someone from Abercrombie & Fitch.  The scent they pipe out through the air ducts in that store makes you stupid.  It’s true because I wrote it and now it’s on the internet forever.

Two.  Maddie was tired, but nothing else really mattered after JoJo chose ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ because, well…I mean…Elderly Korean Woman.  C’mon.

I just can’t.  The fact that ‘EKW’ was even on the menu inside JoJo’s sparkle-filled brain was almost more than I could handle.  I was also relieved to find out that after all these years, I’m not the only person relying on my inner ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ when faced with awkward social situations.

YouSoPrettyLady.

I swear.  JoJo is my Spirit Animal now.  It’s like we’re twins or something.

You just need to watch it.

Side note:  JoJo taking at-home Korean lessons somehow made getting Root Touch-Up in your Christmas stocking seem less odd.  I’m so in love with her Mom Jessalynn now that I should probably go back and edit out about 98% of the smack I said about her in my old Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition recaps.

Seriously.  When did Jess get so damn funny?

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for a new Lighting Director.

Did you see all that harsh lighting in the auditorium?  And even some of the last confessional thingamajigs?  What are they using lately…sunlamps?

rr

You could tell my girl Rachelle was not happy at all.  How’s a bitch supposed to get all Sas-y when she’s sitting under a bulb that looks like a Star Trek transporter?  Beam me up to Home Depot, Scotty, so I can get some soft focus incandescents.

And how about all those little babies in the front row?  What was that all about?

Where were their parents?

Side note:  The stage was ginormous but the wall logo was a tiny iPhone home screen app.  Really.  A tiny little square sitting on the floor.  Go figure.

Nia and Kendall’s solos both went really well.  The emcee was Super Pregnant in a sequined dress.  Or at least I hope she was.  I apologize in advance for any insensitivity if she wasn’t.  But if she was pregnant, I think it might be time for flats because those stilettos were giving me third trimester anxiety.

Plot Twist:  Turns out that Holly and Nia didn’t have any signed contracts either.  What the what?  That sudden realization made Jill say something that got bleeped out and reminded me of the time she threw a shoe across the room.

Some days I really miss Cowboy Hat Jill.

Backstage before the group routine, Abby had just enough time for a quick Q&A.

Q:  What do you think a lot of money is?

A:  (Maddie) A Billion Million!  Go Big or Go Home, yo.  (JoJo)  Less than that.

jsw

And maybe a pony.

The point was to make sure the entire team realized how much bankroll Abby was investing in their careers.  No pressure, of course.  Especially you, Kendall.

And you’re $57,000 whatever.

Then the ALDC hit the stage for their final dance of the night.  Which was lyrical.  Because that’s their thing again.

And I stand corrected.  Abby got Kendall a starter grill AND paid someone off to pump her new iTunes song through the loud speakers before the awards ceremony.  So that was $57,000 well spent.

At the end of the day, Nia took Third Place and Kendall scored First.  Awesome!

Maybe it was just from sitting under the hot lights for an entire competition, but I thought Abby had said that the girls were going up against each other in a Battle of the Pop Stars and yet they ended up getting two different awards in two different age categories.

I will never understand DanceMath.

All in all, given their previous adventures in Hollywood, everyone was pretty happy with the results as the whole thing shut down for the day.

Both Kendall and Nia’s music careers were starting to percolate.  The Moms were all kinda sorta getting along.  And JoJo even offered to take everyone out for Korean food.

YouSoHungryLady.

Werk.

nia 2

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