Dance Moms: When It’s Abby vs. Kira, Hold On To Your Hard Hats And ALDC Tops…And Maybe Cover Your Eyes.Wednesday, July 1st, 2015
So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #BigHairDontCare.
I swear to Gawd my mother didn’t have that much hair on her head when we left the hotel. WTF?
Just keep drinking. As long as everyone thinks it’s coffee we can get through the day without a fight.
It was a nice dance, girls. But honestly, that topless woman running behind you is a bit distracting.
Officer Girard here. Put out an APB on Miller. We lost her, but at least she’s wearing a bra today.
Gurrrl. Mama’s ’bout to use somebody’s head to pound in nails and finish this pokey a** project
So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #StreakOnFleek
Trust me on this one.
I realize it might mess up your new big hair, but you should all probably put on your complimentary Dance Moms logo hard hats before we get started this week.
And even though protective headgear is only an OSHA requirement when visiting active construction sites, in all honesty I would probably keep it on for the entire episode, just to be safe. Because I have a feeling somebody’s gonna get hurt before we’re done here.
So, yeah. Hard hats and supportive undergarments. Just do it, please.
It’s now Week# IDon’tKnowWhat and Abby Lee Miller and Crew are still in California, still hoping for some big wins and still waiting on the completion of the still not ready for prime time ALDCLA MotherShip.
Slowest. Construction. Ever.
Side note: For those of you who watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, I swear this pokey a** job site is another Chateau Shereè. For those of you who don’t (…and what’s wrong with you, BTW?…) I swear this pokey a** job site is that pothole in front of your city’s elementary school that still hasn’t been repaired in over 6 years even though at least one kid a day bumps his head when the bus drives over it. Every city has one.
The Good News: The ALDCLA Clubhouse finally has a ceiling now. That’s progress, right? Enough so that Abby could finally bring the gang over to see how the construction was (…or was not…) progressing this week and get a tour of her new digs.
And to rush through the Pyramid of Shame: Sheetrock and Exposed Beams Edition.
According to the general contractor…
Looking around the empty space with its open floor plan and 2×4 stud work still begging for insulation and union-compliant electrical work, it was hard to believe. But he’s the general contractor, so I guess he’d know best. The project was (…allegedly…) still moving forward. Because you can’t stop the music, right?
Ok. One more, since you’re begging.
Now I’m done.
As Abby ran through the team’s latest list of losses, it was immediately obvious that Mackenzie was MIA. Is it me, or do we need to attach some form of GPS locators on these Ziegler GirlZ lately? I swear we’re gonna find one of them all alone just wandering the mean streets of Hollywood one night, looking for their Kids’ Choice Awards trophy.
And that worries me.
But speaking of. MackZ was off filming an episode of Nickelodeon’s Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, Banana Fana Fo Ficky & Dawn Show, whatever the Fo F***y that thing is.
(I just got older right in front of you. And I’m horrified.)
I guess it’s a pretty big dealio for anyone who’s never owned a black & white tv, because everyone was smiling and clapping and a few girls on Twitter got exceptionally wound up. But all those smiles quickly disappeared as soon as Abby started in on the technical issues and blah to the blah from last week’s competition.
Issues which, according to my MomCrush Jill, could be easily addressed simply by having the girls take dance classes every day like they used to do back in PA.
Screeeeech. I was wrong. Stop. The. Music.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: The Hair. Lawd Almighty. The Hair.
Now I know we got a glimpse of Jill’s new streaks and extensions and grown out/blown out ‘do last week, but this week was the Big Reveal.
No warning, tho. Nothing. Just all of the sudden Jill was all like…
…and my laptop overheated.
Mama V was Beat. To. The. Gods. Hunty. Which is a good thing. RuPaul says so.
After I splashed some cold water on my lap…top, we were back to the Pyramid Pics, which were dingle dangling off a piece of plywood like notices reminding you to wear steel toed boots when pouring concrete and to not hire minors for heavy lifting after 9pm.
Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and Mackenzie. The middle row was filled up with The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia and Kalani.
Which meant that Maddie was back on top, even though she was still suffering from Ellen/Saturday Night Live/Sia burnout. Luckily, taking the lead away from her baby sister helped score her some much needed Pyramid Points.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference: These kind of happen all the time now. Some pretty subtle. Some right in yo’ face. So I think it’s time to retire this gimmick, since it’s pretty much a given that somebody somewhere is going to mention it within the hour.
Plus, adding Pretty Little Liars to the list now is just too much typing.
It was fun while it lasted.
This week the gang was headed to Fresno, CA for the Believe Talent Competition, which Melissa looooves because she clapped and said so.
Kendall, Nia and Maddie all scored solos, which was good news all around. The group routine was going to be a 1950s inspired musical theater number entitled ‘Dance Bop’, which Melissa also loved because she said so again.
I’m not sure if she was referring to the title or the actual dance stylings, but Melissa sure loves a lot of things. Just not responding to my tweets, apparently. Ahem.
Since everyone agreed that it was probably not in the kids’ best interests to be doing backflips in a studio with no retaining walls to keep them from rolling out into traffic, we all scooted back to 3rd St. Dance to rehearse this week’s routines.
As the girls got to doing their thang in the studio, the Moms were all back in that video monitor room getting fired up about the lack of dance classes being offered to the team.
Kira was (…Spoiler Alert: already…) exceptionally fired up and decided to call LA choreographer Tessandra Chavez. Who just happened to be in her speed dial. Just like how Aubrey O’Day is in Holly‘s speed dial. And like how Maddie is in Shia Labeouf‘s speed dial. And like how I’m in nobody’s.
Tessandra is the choreographer to the talent show stars. She’s done America Idol, SYTYCD, X Factor and even Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition back when Kira and Jessalynn used to punch each other out at that glue gun crafting table every week.
While we’re on the topic…this week’s Jessalynn Hilarity Scale: I swear she’s gonna make me wet the bed before the season is over. If she tours with Kathy Griffin this fall I’m going to have a stroke.
Personally, I remember Tessandra for having bangs that are cut too short. But that’s just a thing with me that I’ve never been able to get past since my first bowl cut in kindergarten.
Anyway. Calling another choreographer and asking her to teach a class at another director’s studio without asking any permission whatsoever before you make the call.
What could possibly go wrong?
Side note: Abby left the building right around now to go pick out some carpet swatches at Home Depot. Because, you know. Carpeting is key if you’re building a padded cell.
The next day, the girls hit their solos and it even smelled like they hadn’t been to a technique class since they left Pittsburgh. And don’t get Abby started on sitting on yoga balls. Honestly, I don’t even think she remembered to pack them she’s been such a mess lately. But in her defense, they probably sell yoga balls at the gas station in California, cuz that’s kind of their thing. That and rollerblading and just being LA Fab.
There was also a little sniglet about stretching classes and the lack thereof, but every person in that studio is more flexible than I am so we’ll move right along.
To when Tessandra showed up the next day.
Of course it was drama. Of course there was no security and of course Tessandra managed to climb 12 flights of stairs and walk right past 53 camera guys and whoever it is that keeps giving Gianna those ombré highlights. And of course Abby pretended that she had no idea who she was when Tessandra walked in.
But all that really mattered was Holly’s face. I mean…c’mon. Look.
I don’t know if she was reacting to the bangs, the outfit or the fact that Abby was pretending to have no clue who this woman was…but it doesn’t matter.
It was Classic HollyFace.
If this was an animated show, Holly’s eye balls would’ve popped out on bouncy springs.
Needless to say, it didn’t go well and Tessandra turned right around and left the building. Hopefully her Uber was still idling curbside, because if she paid for parking she must have been pulling her short hair out when the cameras stopped filming.
Side note: Melissa talked to Maddie outside for a few minutes while she (…Melissa, not her kid…) was holding a silver can all covered up with black duct tape. I’m going to assume it was a Diet Coke because I don’t think even Melissa can slam a Colt 45 at 10am. We love Melissa and Holly. I think I forgot to say that this week.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Critique On Stage Time again!
Yup. Believe was one of those newfangled competitions where you dance and then stand on your SecretSoda tape mark and get immediate feedback from the judges.
Not gonna lie. I got a pretty excited thinking that maybe Rachelle Rak was gonna be back biting some apples and jumping out of her chair like a Price Is Right lady again.
That bitch is crazy. We heart her.
But no such luck. This time the judge was a very nice lady in a pink outfit who had hair like you see in Bridal magazines. She was nice, but not even close to being worthy of a trademarked ‘Sas’ tee shirt.
All three solos went well and got fairly good feedback. They all did a great job if you ask me, but Nia looked amazeballs in her silver costume. Knowing how she werk’d that #StarInYourOwnLife music video, I secretly wish Abby would finally just admit defeat and give my girl some kind of Rhythm Nation lyrical routine that I promise will make everyone’s head explode.
And speaking of. You might want to put your hard hats back on.
Because backstage after the solos, it all went downhill. Fast. Like Abby vs. Kelly fast.
Except it was Abby vs. Everyone fast. And then Abby vs. Kira DeathMatch fast.
The Moms pointed out that every critique received from the pink judge with the fancy hair only reaffirmed their concerns that the ALDC team was not getting enough technique classes now that they were in LA. Which Abby processed as overstepping boundaries and criticizing her skills as a dance teacher.
Even Nia tried to explain that they all want the same things, but Abby shut her down before she even finished her first sentence. Then Kira piped up, saying something about balance and bringing some PA to LA. (Which I’m pretty sure has never been uttered by anyone ever in the history of ever…ever.)
Abby said she doesn’t like “Mommies playing dancing school.”
And then BOOM went the dynamite. And the waterworks.
Kira: “Well I’ve done it for 14 years and that’s why my child is the dancer she is.”
Abby started crying. Everyone was like ‘What’s Happening?’ The girls all rushed to Abby’s side with kisses and huggies, which she rejected like a true Toddlers & Tiaras princess. Just like this…
Except for Maddie. She took Maddie’s hugs.
Kira lost her nutty. Don’t you dare. Abby lost her nutty. Call MattyB. You’re kid would rather be with any other Mother here than you.
Kira chased Abby into the hallway, screaming for Kalani to come back so they could leave.
Special shout out to what I guess were two catering people or something who were coming up the stairwell and got caught in the cross fire. One jumped over the railing and the other one just put her head in the corner like some self-imposed Timeout. Did you see that? I wish their faces hadn’t been blurred out. Hilarity in the middle of all this tragedy.
Christi…I mean Kira…was done. DONE. (Srsly. Has any Dance Mom not said that yet?)
Abby crossed the line and said she doesn’t want Kalani hanging around with somebody like Kira who is sleeping with a man she’s not even married to and…
Melissa told Kira to get back inside the room. Kira told Melissa to go to Hell for some reason. Holly shoved every kid she could find into the secret bagel curtain room like the building was on fire. Dr. Holly activated full HollyMode.
Side note: Remember when Holly took charge after Kelly slapped Abby? It was just like that. Once a flight attendant, always a flight attendant, I guess. Everyone to the nearest exits! Bring your blow-up vests! And that bag of gummy bears! Go! Go! Go!
Side note: Was it just me, or were there a lot of men walking in and out of that back doorway that was clearly labeled women’s dressing room? Didn’t anybody try to stop them or was everyone more concerned with those two cafeteria people who were still trying to get back downstairs?
You’re not gonna believe what happened next.
Abby busted back out into the room just wearing her bra for some reason. I swear. Just her bra. And she was all like…
Or maybe it was more like…
Kira was all like WHOA. Hold up.
Jessalynn totally got all…
Holly didn’t say it or do it, but you know she was thinking it.
And Melissa’s eyes burned so bad she got hysterical blindness like on General HospitalSupposedly there’s some urban myth that Abby always swore to take her top off if she didn’t want to get filmed. Or beat up. Or who knows. The internet went spaz and somebody screamed to take the cameras off Abby’s underwire.
Or maybe that was just the Inner Voices in my head.
All I know is that all the people that hate this show kept watching and then talked smack online until I got too tired to creep them. Why are they still on this channel again?
Don’t you have jobs? Or books? Why do we have to have this discussion every week? Most of you are old enough to go to an R-rated movie by now. Gah.
Side note: I forgot to mention that when Abby first came into the room with just her ALDC or E cups hanging out that she was accompanied by some gentleman with his face all blurred out like their double wide trailer had just been raided by the PoPo on COPS.
You see dat? The PoPo.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Well, I can. But you can’t.
I don’t even know what happened after that.
Abby left. Mackenzie showed up somehow. Does she have her license now? How’d she even get there? I’m so traumatized I can’t even find a good picture of Mackenzie right, so just look at JoJo in her yellow outfit. She’s cute.
The group dance happened without Abby and then ended up only coming in Third Place. Like Maddie, who also came in Third Place with her solo. Melissa clearly doesn’t love Third Place as much as she loves a good 1950s doo wop.
Nia took 4th. Kendall took 5th. It was just not a good day all around.
And then it was over.
Q. Will Abby walk through the door tomorrow?
A. Probably. But hopefully with her top on.
And so done.
Or like Abby said when she disappeared into the sunset…