Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Spoilers’

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One More Round At The Reunion. Let’s Do This.

Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

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You wanna see me climb those stairs in heels? Cuz Imma ’bout ready to hush this whole audience.

 

 

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We’d never hit each other. You have any idea how much a full set of these acrylics costs at the mall?

 

 

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Thanks. It’s nice to be here, Jeff. But it would be even nicer if MamaZ could stop staring at my boobs.

 

 

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I dunno. I think my favorite part is when everyone all goes ‘Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie…’

 

 

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Somebody wanna tell Elizabeth Taylor over here that we all know she’s wearing her kid’s headband as a necklace.

 

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Srsly? Did she really just say that to me? Abby’s hand up my butt? You see how tight this dress is? Good luck with that.

 

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I’m well aware that only one side of my hair is curled. You don’t need to keep pointing it out.

 

 

 

 

You know what they say.

It ain’t over ’til the Dance Lady blings.

Because they totally say that.  I swear.

And there’s nothing like a little Dance Moms Reunion to prove it.

This week Abby Lee Miller put on an extra layer of protective sparkle spackle and faced off against every Mom in the building one last time before closing the books on Season 4.

And what a season it was.  Oy vey, the drama.

My boy Jeff Collins was back to nervously host another roundtable discussion/boxing match with the Moms.  Sometimes I’m still not sure if he actually watches the show, but it was nice to see that he finally got his pocket square under control.  If you’re a tenured Dance Moms fan, you’ll probably remember that last year his suit stuffer was bigger than his head and it really bothered me for the entire episode.

Jeff was also styling in a pair of on-trend skinny leg pants and a bullet proof CNN kevlar vest under his suit coat just to be on the safe side.  He seems a little delicate, so after all the throw downs this season I don’t blame him one bit for suiting up like Iron Man.

Full Disclosure:  It’s already public knowledge that I have a Love/Hate relationship with these Reunion Shows.  No secret there.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love seeing the Moms all glammed up, because very last one of them can werk a fancy dress like nobody’s bidnezz.  Whether you think some of them play dirty or not…they all clean up nice.  Really nice.

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But after four seasons, I still can’t figure out the location of the bunker where they film these things and where on Earth they find all these infomercial audience participants.

Oooh.  Aaaah.  It can make hot soup AND ice cream?  Take my money now.

This year the set was decorated with the same chandelier (…subliminal Sia advertising, anyone?…) silhouette wall clings they sell at Urban Outfitters.  I saw them on sale during Back-To-School, so I’m sure Lifetime got a sweet deal on a full case of decals.  Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole audience went home with a new Vitamix blender and a couple of removable stickers.  Thanks for playing!

As always, Jeff and Abby started the show with a quick one-on-one to lay out some of the backstory before the Moms hit the couch.

Since Abby always wears a minimum of one reflective accessory per outfit per day, it was hard to tell if she had actually put any extra effort into glamming herself up for the Reunion.  I think she did, though, because she wasn’t wearing a plastic headband.

Jeff and Ms. Miller talked briefly about Nationals, the Original Recipe Team, the New Recipe Team and Maddie Maddie Maddie.  And then Maddie.

And speaking of.  Maddie was the first to come out on set in a pretty little age appropriate dress, all smiley and oddly shy at the same time.

Something about her always reminds me of what would happen if you put Audrey Hepburn and Asia Monet Ray into that free Vitamix blender and set it on Ice Crush.

I think it’s the combination of Asia’s little signature head bun and something else that escapes me right now.  Maybe it was Maddie’s dress at last season’s Girl Talk Special.  I dunno.  But that’s what Maddie always reminds me of, in case anyone cares.

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We discovered that Maddie had gotten a tweet from Sia (…1, 2, 3 Drink!…) and immediately jumped on a plane and learned the entire music video dance in two hours.

Really.  That’s how it happened.  And now she’s got a freakin’ MTV Music Video trophy on the shelf next to her My Little Pony collection.

Hellz To The Yeah I’m checking my Twitter account every ten minutes from now on.

Abby also pimped out her own new book before sending Maddie back into the Green Room.  I swear the book must have been propping up a short table leg or something, because she yanked it out of thin air so fast that I don’t even know where it came from.

Side note:  Transitions aren’t really Jeff’s thing, so for the rest of the episode he just kind of jumped from subject to subject whenever things got uncomfortable.  It’s not me.

Next out on stage was Holly!  We love Dr. Beyoncé.

(And to the twerp that called me out on Twitter for comparing Holly to a pop star…der.  If you had actually been reading this mess of a site for the last couple of years you’d know I’m only referring to her breathtaking makeover, not her twerking.  I know what ‘Doctorate’ stands for, thank you very much.  If you like it than you should have put a PhD on it.)

Holly was a stunner in a long yellow gown that kinda sorta reminded me of a cross between Belle from Beauty and The Beast and something you might wear for the talent portion of the 2015 Mrs. Pittsburgh Pageant.  Hint.

(Where she could totally rock the Single Ladies dance, mmmkay?)

Jeff got right into the whole WhiteBoardgate controversy, complete with a flashback to when Abby declared that at 12 years old, Nia was already at the age where she could easily get married and start having lots of babies.

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Wait.  What?  Yeah.  You remember that one.

Holly lost her noodle back then, and she lost it again this time.

But in complete level headed HollyStyle.  She.  Shut.  It.  Down.

Pointing and getting all VoiceOfReason and OhNoYouDin’t at the same time while hushing the entire audience when they dared laugh along with Abby, Holly was in charge.

I even put my phone on Mute because I was afraid she’d start yelling at me if I got any calls during the show.  I’m sorry.  It won’t happen again.

Holly don’t play.  And when she points at you?  Game Over.

Side note:  In between all the action, there were also some dance numbers, both group and solo.  I’m not discounting any of them, I’m just trying to keep this thing under a four hour read so you can all get back to Facebook.

Next out on set was Christi, in her multi-tiered white wedding cake gown.  I could totally picture how cool that dress would be if each level had a hula hoop hemmed into the seams and it whipped around when she got mad like something on Star Trek.

I don’t even think Christi’s butt was on the couch before she and Abby started going at it like pit bulls.  The kind with rabies that chew through their leashes.

If you could take any hallway fight scene from this past season and imagine it being performed in ball gowns, that’s pretty much how the confrontation went down between Chloe‘s Mom and Abby this week.

When Melissa‘s name got dragged into the discussion, she even came out from the shadows looking mighty fine in a red sparkly ensemble to try and prove to Holly and Christi that she doesn’t live a Privileged Life.

It didn’t go so well.

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Especially when Abby started whispering to Melissa and Holly just stopped talking until she got the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that Aretha said she deserves.  Don’t make her hush this audience again.  Because she will.

We also never really found out if Christi and Chloe are gone, though.  I mean ‘Gone’ Gone.  Like…for good.

I know how the finale ended and what all the online chat rooms are saying.  (If I creeped online chat rooms, I mean.)  But nobody at the Reunion actually came out and said IT…so who knows.

After all the craziness of this season, I need to see it actually scroll across the bottom of the screen or have their faces pixelated off the opening credits before I bury the bodies.

We love that little Chloebird, BTW.

Side note:  With one hand up and one hand on the (bleepin’) censor button, I swear that hallway and back alley MamaDrama (…and maybe an occasional front desk fisticuff…) is the best.  The Best.

Somewhere around this point my MomCrush Jill almost missed her cue and never even came out on set.  I don’t what the heck she was doing back there, but she seemed pretty surprised when Jeff called her name.

Her pastel glitter ball dress gave me some Life, hunty.  Life, I tell you.

After a little more Abby-Bashing and about 32 seconds of MackZ‘s “Shine” video, Jeff finally got up the nerve to mention new and even louder Mom Christ-y with a ‘Y.‘ 

Her flashbacks, tho.  Is it Garbage Day already?

After being cut from both ALDC Teams so many times that I needed Holly’s White Board to keep track, Christ-y was finally so devastated that she didn’t even bother showing up for this week’s Reunion.  On Party Dress Day.  Bummer.

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I was kind of looking forward to some Feisty Christ-y Moments, but it’s probably better that tiny Sarah didn’t have to be put through any more emotional scarring.  I’m no doctor, but I can’t imagine that it’s very good for your brain cells to take in so much oxygen every time you hiccup cry.

And then Tami came out and the episode momentarily went into 3D Mode.

Not gonna lie.  I’m kind of mad at Melissa, because I totally wanted to say “Holy Boobage, Batman” but she beat me to it when Tami came out of the shadows.

The Password Is:  Whoa.  And another Whoa for the other one.

Wearing some kind of green shrink-wrapped cut-out superhero dress that exposed all her…umm…superhero stuff, I guess…Tami joined the Moms to discuss her front desk beatdown of Christ-y.

I love Tami.  I really do.

But don’t mess with her, because she will smack the pants right off you.

(Special shout-out to Director Jimmy for dropping down through the air duct during that chick fight to try and pull the two of them apart without losing an eye.  And if that other guy in the Where’s Waldo rugby doesn’t get some kind of Presidential sumthin sumthin for serving his country in the middle of that lady battle, I might just lose all faith in America.)

Tami has no regrets.  Bitch touched me first.

I’m pretty sure Tracey might have a few more regrets, since she still has no hair in that one spot where Tami snatched her head while attempting to connect with Christ-y’s face.

And Melissa?  She was dying to swipe her ATM card right down the center of Tami’s boobage.  You could totally tell.  MamaZ had that same face you get when there’s no line for Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s.

Then the rest of the New Moms joined the party.

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Tracey was still trying to hide her bald spot.  Jodi had enough estate jewelry on to attend the Oscars.  And Loree ‘VoteForMyHusband’ Cloud clearly thought she was a guest on Meet The Press again.

It was classic Old vs. New while Jeff doodled on his index cards.  (Do you think there’s really anything written on them?  I wonder some times.)

After an awkward flashback where we got to relive Abby ripping the track jacket right off Ava‘s body and then kicking her out the ALDC back door, Mom Jeanette came out in a (…totally not from Forever 21…) tight and right red mini dress to get all up in Abby’s face.

For 27 seconds max.  I swear.

Which was just long enough for Christi without a ‘Y’ to swear at her before she left.

Really.  Just like that.  I don’t even think Jeanette’s taxi driver had time to shut off the engine before she was back outside with all her luggage.

But Jeff had saved the Best For Last.  He said that.

Cue the Boo’s, because it was time for Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein to come out and represent the Candy Apples contingent.  I’m pretty sure she’s a Side Sleeper.

The Left Side, if you know what I mean.

As soon as she hit the lights, Cathy was all over Abby.  And vice versa.

They fought over who was the rudest dance company owner.  They fought over what ‘avant garde’ really means.  They fought over who did the best ‘Chandelier’ dance.  They even flashbacked to that infamous hallway fight that occurred after Cathy and Brigette Triana talked through an entire ALDC performance.

Side note:  I’d like to apply for the Subtitle Editor’s job that is probably vacant after the guy misspelled Brigette’s name while they were whispering.  Did you pick up on that?  Cuz he sure didn’t.  How does that even happen?

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That’s almost as bad as last night’s Nancy Grace broadcast where she kept showing Kendall‘s face with Paige Hyland‘s name under it during the Dance Mom Kelly story.

Really.

If I don’t get the Subtitle job you know I’m applying for the open spot in the HLN Research Department.  Get it together, people.

And then Jeff finished off the Reunion with the Biggest News Evah.  Which was actually last week’s Biggest News Evah.  Hate to burst his bubble.

Abby was opening ALDCLA.  Which we already knew.

So.  Yeah.

But it still got that one dude in the audience pretty excited, because he did a Fist Pump.

And then it was over.  For another season.

Who knows what next year will bring.  Only time will tell.

For now, we know that Holly looks amazing in yellow.

And all the other Moms like really sparkly things.

Can’t believe it’s over already.  I had fun.  Hope you did, too.

Now we just wait.  I can finally get to bed early on a Tuesday night and the rest of you can try reading a book or something.

I thought I was pretty hilarious, if I do say so myself.

What did you think, Melissa?

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Ok, then.

And on that note…if you haven’t already, you can fill some of that DanceMomsVoid by checking out Toddrick Hall‘s “Freaks Like Me” music video.

Holly and Jill dance.

And that’s pretty much all you need to know.

See you in Season 5, suckahs.

Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Comes To An End, In More Ways Than One. Is This Chloebird’s Last Song?

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014

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Without my super hero headband, I can’t control my hair or my feet. What’s happening to me?

 

 

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I’m sick of this S***! And I’m sick of this blog making it look like all I do is F***ing swear. F*** him and his F***ing blog!!

 

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Trust me on this one, Christi. No matter how bad it seems…pop on a nice pair of booty shorts and it’s all good in the ‘hood.

 

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Aw. Hell. Nah.

 

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S***! Can you spit on her again? I had my thumb over the lens. F***ing iPhone.

 

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Sorry to bother you girls. I was looking for the Material Girl Madonna Costume Party. Which way is the lobby?

 

 

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Dance Moms Game: Grab your Sharpie and glitter pen and help give Kamryn a new headband!

 

 

 

This is the deal.

Save those tears for your pillow.

Or maybe Nationals.

Whatever works for you.

It was the last Dance Moms episode of the season, and Abby Lee Miller was working overtime to put the ‘final’ in ‘finale’ for at least one of her tiny dancers.

Remember the old Warner Brothers Roadrunner cartoon when the Coyote would be racing down the highway with a rocket strapped to his skateboard and all of the sudden the asphalt would just end and he’d go flying over the edge of a cliff and presumably never be heard from again?  Remember that?

A highway that always seemed to end in some kind of drama.  Or explosion.  Or both.

I think back then it was referred to as the Acme Interstate or something.

Nowadays they just call it The Road to Nationals.

Grab a snack.  It’s gonna be a long one.

With only one day to go before the final competition, the Original Recipe ALDC Team stood side-by-side with the New Team in their makeshift Los Angeles rental as Abby laid down the DanceLaw one last time.

The Old Team’s ‘Amber Alert’ group dance was a hot mess.  The New Team’s ‘Hollywood Stars’ routine needed to be flawless or they would all be sitting on those sidewalk stars outside of Grauman’s Chinese Theater begging for change and looking for new jobs.

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And as for the soloists…Kendall needed to prove that she could step out of Maddie‘s shadow once and for all and finally come into her own.  Chloe needed to regain her confidence and figure out how to get the sparkle back in her eyes that she used to have before Abby sucked it all out with a Dairy Queen Blizzard straw.

(Spoiler Alert: Run.  Just RUN.  And never look back.)

And Kamryn needed to figure out who stole all her glitter headbands asap, because her battery power clearly comes from those titanium cranium wraps.

(That was also a Spoiler Alert.)

Side note:  I love Kendall’s wide-eyed innocence.  She always looks like she just realized this show was being filmed for television.  Never lose that, ok?  And tell your Mom I love her, but not in a creepy way.

Before the girls began their final day of rehearsals, Holly raised her hand and politely asked if there were going to be any more solos at the competition.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Yes, she did.  Dr. Beyoncé don’t play.  Especially when she’s already three hours behind in sleep, thank you very much West Coast time change.

As you’ll recall, last week Maddie was caught on some kind of  hidden security camera practicing a solo routine while everyone else was back at the hotel having breakfast.

I know, right?  Who knew the same technology used by Taco Bell to make sure employees don’t lick the soda nozzles could be also used to bust a dancer getting (…allegedly…) special treatment from Abby and her sidekick Gia.

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Maddie wanted to do a solo at Nationals.  Duh.  Who wouldn’t?  But my girl Melissa stood up for the other dancers and stated that three solos was enough this week, which made Abby wonder why MrsZ was suddenly more concerned about her friendship with the other Moms than the pimping out of her own daughter.  It was starting to get a little weird.

Side note:  Tami wasn’t wearing booty shorts.

I repeat:  Tami was NOT wearing booty shorts.

She was, however, rocking a pair of metallic gladiator stilettos that reminded me I needed to return my Julius Caesar porno tape to Redbox before I get charged a late fee.

That was a joke, people.  They weren’t hooker shoes.  And Redbox doesn’t sell porn at grocery stores.  That would be gross.  People eat there.

PS…We heart Tami.

As the girls got to dancing, we scooted across the street to the Candy Apples rehearsal space where Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had her own bushel of crazy going on.

Choreographer du jour Chehon Wespi-Tschopp (…say that 3X fast…) was busy messing with my spellcheck and putting the Apple Cores through a bootleg Chandelier routine that was created solely to mess with Abby’s head.

Yeah, that Chandelier song.  1, 2, 3 Drink.  1, 2, 3 Drink.

(My new Dance Moms theme song, BTW.  Living on the Bar Floor.)

As long as Lifetime already paid the rights to use the song we might as well stick it in every scene, right?  I’m pretty sure I even heard it playing in the hotel elevator when my MomCrush Jill ran back upstairs to get her Emergency Bump-It.

(Today’s Jill Vertes Fashion Tip:   Always carry a spare in case you get a flat.)am

While Lady Killer Lucas Triana did that one leg up in the air thing that I swear he’ll do for his freakin’ Senior Pictures, Mom Joanne Morales made it clear that not only did she agree with Cathy’s song choice, but FYI…she had the buzzed-on-the-side haircut long before Lucas got it done down at SuperCuts.

I swear.  They both have the same hair.  Go look.

Back at the fake ALDC studio, Holly, Melissa and Jill were uncomfortably sitting on a pile of crash pads looking like those three SeeNoEvil monkeys in the gift shop as they tried to process the mess they were observing.  (Some chairs would have been nice, right?)

This ‘Amber Alert’ thing was not working out well at all, so Abby told Maddie to just leave and go work on her own solo.

Hold up.  Then wouldn’t that mean that the group number, which was supposed to be the most important number, would not get the rehearsal time it needed to guarantee a First Place win?

I wonder how Nia felt about that.

Let’s just say you don’t need to swab the inside of Sasha Nia’s mouth to know that she shares the same DNA as Holly.  That kid is wise beyond her years and wasn’t liking the idea one bit as she got all UmHellooooCanWeJustPractice? on Abby.

And then the Moms all headed outside, because they always do their best throw downs in hallways and back alleys.  You should know that after four seasons.

Holly couldn’t believe that Melissa hadn’t said anything when Abby sent Maddie out of the room.  It would have been the perfect opportunity for everyone to settle a few of these ongoing MamaDrama issues.  But whatever.  Ok, then.  Whatever.  Whatever.  Everyone got angry.  Especially Melissa, who swore so much that all the censor bleeps turned into one long noise that made me go check my smoke alarm just to be on the safe side.mz

(Does the Censor Button Guy get paid by the beep?  Cuz if he does, sign me up for this show, please.  This is way better than Mob Wives.)

It was pretty windy out there, too.  Seeing Christi come close to flashing her MomStuff to all of America was almost as traumatizing as seeing Jill’s bangs getting messed up.

Once everyone came back inside and got their hair under control, the girls continued working on their solos while the Moms addressed how fractured their MomGroup was now.  Melissa was sulking.  Christi was texting.  Holly was being Holly.  And Jill kept flipping the back of her hair like she was trying to shake out leaves or something.  It really was a wind tunnel out in that alley.

Abby got all up in Christi’s face about Chloe’s lack of enthusiasm and drive.  She even said something about Chloe sucking, which was not cool at all.  Christi called her a Wicked Witch.  Abby cackled and said she was flying away on her broom stick.

And then Christi said “Good, I hope you get hit by a truck” which didn’t make any sense since there’s no such thing as a flying truck.

Side note:  Pet Peeve.  If you’re gonna film all these crazy a** scenes out of sequence, please make sure you take all the clocks off the wall or blur them out of the shots.

Seriously.  That clock in the rehearsal room had me so messed up I didn’t know when to take my pie out of the oven.  Is it 2:30 or not?

A few minute later (..or not, maybe…) Christi confronted Chloe about the missing sparkle in her eyes.  Chloe started breaking my heart right around here somewhere.  Her spunk had left the building.  Nothing to see here.  Keep it moving.

Unfortunately, Christi got flustered and stormed off.  Whatever.  I can’t make you want to dance.  Which made Chloe and me feel even worse.  But luckily Jill was there for some unintentional comic relief.

Did you see her checking out Chloe?  At first she was all sad-like and Mom-like and looked as though she was about to hug her, but then suddenly she just looked her up and down like You’reNotReallyWearingThatOutOfTheHouseAreYou? car

Moms.  Hilarious.

There was a lot of crying.  Some yelling.  And then more crying.  Clearly, the moral of the story was that Chloe was about to lose all power to her engine boosters and plummet out of orbit, burning up as she reentered the Earth’s atmosphere.  Burning up.  Burning out.

Same diff.  And Twitter was not liking it one bit.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Cathy and her crew had apparently found time to go apple picking on their way to the auditorium (…who knew that downtown LA had so many orchards…) and started handing out shiny red souvenirs to everyone outside the venue as soon as they arrived.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a big fan of free stuff, but when everyone on the sidewalk started holding them up above their heads like Olympic torches, the whole thing got a little too Hitler Nazi for my tastes.

Side note:  I need to know who that was driving Abby’s van.  Did you see that?  It was like an older kid or Soccer Mom or something.  And did she have one of those TLC cheerleading bows in her hair?  The whole thing was so awesomely distracting that I almost didn’t notice Abby falling out of the van like she just had hip surgery.

I love this show.  Except when little kids cry.

Saddest Moment Ever:  Chloe telling her Mom she wants to win, but doesn’t know how.

Insert heartbreak here: ____________________.

And then the ALDC found out that the Candy Apples would be dancing to Chandelier and the party really got started.cl

Melissa and Abby stormed into the Candy Apples dressing room to (…allegedly…) spit on Cathy and tell her that she couldn’t have Sia as her new BFF because she was already their BFF.

Abby then tried to convince Maddie to do the Chandelier solo on stage and shove her MTV Video Awards trophy down Cathy’s throat at the same time, but Maddie declined.

Waymin.  What?  That’s totally how Abby reacted.

Holly pointed out that, once again, Melissa couldn’t do the right thing and had left all the heavy lifting to her child.  Then I remembered that MamaZ had two kids on this show and realized that I hadn’t seen Mackenzie for almost an hour.

Kendall’s solo was amazing.  A million spins.  She made Mom proud.

Chloe’s solo was good, but you could tell her enthusiasm was about on par with the choreography Abby had given her.  I liked her one-sleeved outfit and the fact that she had grown another 6 inches, but it was clear that she was running on fumes after having all the spunk syphoned out of her tank over the last four years.

Side note:  Were those sunlamp bulbs that they used to light up the studio audience?  Holy burn-out, Batman.  Bright enough?  Yeeesh.  I had to go get my tanning goggles.

Kamryn’s solo started off like a diva performance, complete with a fancy red holiday gift wrap bow from Bloomingdale’s stuck on her head, until she tried running backwards and fell on her badonkadonk.  Ouch.

But she covered it like a true rockstar with a quick backwards somersault into a split kind of thing that I’m totally trying when I wipeout on the ice this winter.

Backstage, Abby hugged Kamryn, even though every other ALDC dancer who had ever done a face plant on stage got at least one night in Solitary and their headshot taped to the bottom of the Pyramid.

Holly got all ExcuseMe? and then Nia got all YeahWhatSheSaid and then I confirmed once again that the two of them are definitely related.

Check my temp.  I think I got FrazierFever, cuz I’m burning up.

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And then the Award for The Most Awkwardly Awkward Dance Moms Mom Moment went to Brigette Triana and her boom box cellphone and whatever that was she was wearing.

I swear.

Everyone in the building suddenly heard that damn Chandelier song again (…why not, right?…we already paid for it…) and looked up to see Brigette standing in the same bright light that the little lady in Poltergeist stood in right before she got herself sucked into the bedroom closet, just chilling out in the doorway with her phone up in the ayah like a Hitler apple, yo.

Wait.  What?

If that loud music was coming from that puny little phone, Mama T has a waaaaay better Sprint plan than I do.

Maybe I just watch too much Bring It! or still have Nia’s Dance Contest burned into my brain…but when Maddie shoved her way to the front of the room and busted out a Chandelier Stand Battle I just ’bout lost my noodle.

She was all like 1, 2, 3 Drink!  Boom!  Bam!  Pow!  F*** off, bitch…dat’s MY song.

Dead.  I was dead.

The Candy Apples Chandelier dance couldn’t compare to that, even though I thought they might get a few extra points for looking like Power Rangers.  Or chewable vitamins.  I couldn’t decide.  Which is probably why I wasn’t asked to judge Nationals this year.

Maddie’s face, tho.

The Amber Alert child abduction dance was straight up goose bumpy, if that’s even a word.  Not gonna lie.  When Nia snatched MackZ off the street and shoved her into that lifeguard chair I got a little spooked.

And where did all that hair come from?  Was it just me?  Or my Bring It! obsession again?

Was MackZ wearing a weave?  Dang.

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Side note:  Jeanette Sighting in the audience.  Stalk much?

The Scores:  Kendall only came in 9th.  She was robbed.  Chloe came in 5th.  Abby was not happy.  The New Team pulled in 2nd on their group routine.  But got smoked by the Old Team’s First Place showing.

The Wrap-Up:  Clearly, nothing good ever happens in a hallway.

Kendall cried and Christi and Abby went at it one last time.  These kids put you on the map.  Something about a fat body.  Chloe’s washed up.  What did you say?  Christi even tried to rip down the production barrier curtain like she was Dorothy on crack going after the Wizard for his money.

Whoa.  Just whoa.

Crying.  Screaming.  And then Christi realized that Abby had finally crossed the line and it was time to go.  For ever.

If you have any heartbreak left, insert here: ___________________.

And then they  were gone.  Right out the fire doors.

Go towards the light, Chloebird.  Go towards the light.

Oh.  And the New Team got booted out of the ALDC.  Thanks for playing, but we don’t need you anymore.  Nobody on the New Team seemed very happy with that decision.

And then there were three.

Moms, that is.  And four kids.

Who’s going to the new ALDCLA?  Any one?

Guess we’ll have to wait until next season to find out.

I miss Chloe already.

See you at the Reunion.

cc

Dance Moms: It’s All Going Down In Tinsel Town When Abby Lee And The ALDC Hit Hollywood For Nationals.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014

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OMG! A solo? If I can just keep Mom from Street Fighting for four more days, I totally got this.

 

 

tt

 

 

For the last time… Jet Blue lost one of my suitcases. That’s why I’m not wearing any pants. Now get off my a**, woman.

 

m1

 

 

 

If I hear ‘Girl Party’ one more time I swear I’m gonna twist your head all the way around.

 

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Duh. I could totally win SYTYCD if it wasn’t on past my bed time. I’m talking Hollywood, baby.

 

csh

 

 

 

Trust me, honey. I saw this once on Star Trek. After you black out you won’t remember anything.

 

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Imma need you to hold my big pink flower so I can show these little apple boys how we do.

 

 

d1

 

 

Yo, Jimmy. Srsly. Why the hell this kid not on my show yet? She’s buck.

 

 

 

 

Trivia!

A little timeline on the Hollywood Sign for you.

In 1923 when it was built, it originally spelled out ‘Hollywoodland.’

In the early 1940s, Albert Kothe (…the sign’s official caretaker…) was driving drunk when he knocked down the letter ‘H‘ right before sending his Ford Model A over a cliff.

In 1949 the City of Los Angeles Parks Department put the ‘H‘ back up and got rid of the ‘land’ part because that didn’t make sense anymore.

In 1978, nine private donors gave a total of $250,00 to sponsor replacement of the entire dilapidated sign.  They put up new letters made out of steel and restored an iconic West Coast image back to its original splendor.

And then, in 2014, Abby Lee Miller came to town and by the first day I’m pretty sure the whole thing had already fallen over.  Dance Moms: Hollywood Here We Come.

Nationals.

I know, right?  Already.  How’d that one sneak up on us?

No idea.  But it did.  And it’s here.  So now it’s buh bye, Pittsburgh…hello, LA.

New York, New York:  So nice they named it twice.

The ALDC in Hollywood:  So much drama they made it a two parter.

And the whole gang came along for the ride.  Almost.

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The Original Recipe Elite Team (…aka ‘Old Team’…) was all accounted for and already lined up in formation as this week’s episode began, because the only thing better than a Pyramid of Shame is a Pyramid of Shame that’s on West Coast time.

Dat’s rite.  Now you can get your humiliation three hours earlier, kids!

But before they actually accomplished anything, the Select Team (…aka ‘New Team’…) stormed the room like Mother/Daughter bulldozers and took their own on again/off again spots right up there in front of Abby.  The entire ALDC 2.0 contingent showed up, with the noticeable exception of Jeannette, Ava and Tami‘s pants.

I didn’t expect to see Jeanette and Ava.  Remember when Abby kicked them both off the team (…Spoiler Alert: Or did she?…) a few weeks ago because Ava kept sitting on her Mom’s lap like that Marmaduke dog from the comic strips?

Now I’m not saying that Ava looks like a Great Dane.  I’m saying that she reminds me of those big dogs who still think they’re puppies and insist on climbing up into your lap whenever they get upset and don’t get off until your legs go numb.  That’s what I meant.

Relax.

As for Miss TammyNoPants?  I have no explanation for that one.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m TeamTami all the way.  But Lawd…Booty Booty E’rrywhere.

Put some pants on, woman.  There’s kids in the car.

Right away, Holly got all AwHellNahWeDon’tNeedThemUpInHereand I made a mental note to myself to Google which Universities still offer Doctorates in Feisty.hn

Dr. Beyoncé earned that PhD, mmkay?  Snap.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Chloe, MackZ and Nia.  Chloe had missed out on last week’s performance due to her busted up foot, so she was in the basement by default.  MackZ was still having trouble getting that MackenzieBoo Monkey off her back and got scolded for being too silly.  And Nia had done good last week, but not MayaGood.

Middle Turf was held down by Kendall and Kamryn.

Side note:  I may need to rethink my ‘No Headband’ policy.  Nia and the KiaKamster were both rocking the head gear and I feel like I might be missing out on a trend.  If nothing else, shiny headbands seem to distract your eye from any snarky smirks on a new ALDC dancer’s face when she swipes a solo from a veteran ALDC dancer.

Almost, I mean.

(Oh, yeah.  I saw that, Kamryn.  I saw that smile.)

But we love Kamryn.  Especially since I know that she’s smart enough to hack into this website and find out where I live.

And Maddie was on top.  Even though she didn’t dance last week.

Honestly, I can’t even remember if she was there last week.  I know I saw her on my TV, but I have no clue if it was Dance Moms, Dancing With The StarsThe Tonight Show, The Ellen Show, The Wendy Williams Show or that Larry King thing nobody can seem to find on cable or the internet.

Wait.  Larry King.  What about headbands AND suspenders?  Thirty seconds ago I’m behind the curve and now I’m already ahead of a trend.  Score.j1

This week, aside from prepping for Nationals (..because, you know…they’re here…) the Maddie and MackZ Publicity Train would be pulling into the Hollywood and Highland Complex with a promotional sumthin sumthin that involved DJs, cameras, crowd control and a pink table that got me all excited because I thought they might be selling Girl Scout cookies.

Abby was gonna pimp the bejeebers out of these girls while they were all in California.

The.  Bejeebers.

At Nationals, the Old Team would be performing a group routine entitled ‘Amber Alert’ while the New Team would stick to a more traditional ‘Hollywood Stars’ kinda thing.

Kendall, Chloe and Kamryn all scored solos.  There were cheers and headband smirks all around the room.  Holly and Nia made some solid arguments concerning seniority and loyalty when it comes to handing out solos, but Abby wasn’t having it right now.

(I hope that Doctorate program is available at Community Colleges, because unless Lifetime starts coughing up coins for this blog, I’ll never be able to afford Harvard.)

Side note:  I love how Christi always carries around doctor’s notes and a full set of x-rays like she’s on-call at Shriner’s Hospital.  She cracks me up.

No solo for Maddie this week, which she and Mom Melissa took with just a shrug and a whatevah.  Hmmm.  Hold that thought till next week, because right now Maddie was off to see Jimmy Kimmel and do the weather report on the Today Show.  Latah, suckahs.

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Oh.  BTW.  This fall, Abby will be opening her first west coast studio:  ALDCLA.

Did I forget that part?  It’s kind of a big deal.

I guess I was distracted by that gigantic red box with no postage or address label that somehow just got delivered to Abby.  Granted, the “Bite Me. Cathy.” was a pretty good clue as to who sent the thing over, but still.

And then Jeanette and Ava showed up.

Srsly?  How many things were in the back of that delivery truck, anyway?  I though you weren’t supposed to put real people back there unless they’re being kidnapped?  How else would those two even know where to go?  Did Jeanette really figure out Abby’s exact location in the state of California yet not realize that Ava hasn’t gotten an ALDC check for the last two weeks?  Maybe she picked up the metal in Kamryn’s headband on some kind of crazy Dance Mom Radar or something.  I didn’t ask.

After stripping Ava of her ALDC track jacket (…thankfully allowing her to keep her ALDC sports bra since this is/was a family show…) Abby kicked them both off the team for the 17th time and they were gone in under 45 seconds.

That was one expensive flight to LA, sistah.  F’realz.

As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms all wandered aimlessly looking for their missing MomPerch, we scooted over to some building that had ‘Nappy’ in part of the logo to see what the Candy Apples were up to.

Answer:  No Good.

Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Evil Dance Lair had once again spun their Magic Revolving Door Of Choreographers and this week it spit out another new face.

Chehon Wespi-Tschopp from So You Think You Can Dance!

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He won his season!  Good for him.  And I just have to type his last name and not actually say it out loud.  Really good for me!  And he’s cute.  Cathy likes to bring the cute.

She also brought along a bootleg cassette tape of Sia‘s song Chandelier (…yeah…the one from Jimmy Kimmel…der…) and was going to use it as the music for the CADC group number.

Oooh, gurl.  You nasty.

Back at the non-Nappy studio, the Moms couldn’t take the suspense any longer and tore into that mystery box from Cathy only to find one of those bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandeliers (…packed with no bubble wrap, whaa-?…) that had some of the votives replaced with red apples.

(Seriously.  If I have to break this one down for you…just…just go.)

There was also a lot of MamaDrama about Maddie receiving a top secret private rehearsal that was somehow caught on security camera footage.  A private rehearsal caught on camera for a solo that she wasn’t even doing at Nationals.  Hmmm.

Then Cathy showed up to hand deliver the bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…seriously…figure it out…it’s code for something…) directly to Abby, who was eating a banana at the time.  Apparently she color coordinates her food with her plastic accessories now.  I was not aware.

We’re certainly getting a lot of fashion scoops this week, aren’t we?

After a few requisite monkey jokes, Cathy pointed out that Christi looked like a giant booger and then wished everyone a pleasant afternoon.sch

Wait.  What?

Next thing you know, the same bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…last hint…) got dragged around the building one more time by nosey Christ-y with a ‘Y’ which for some reason made little Sarah burst into tears.  That’s kind of her thing lately.

Tami tried to console her while Abby and Christ-y screeched at each other, but the combination of non-stop high pitched yelling and a stranger in booty shorts stroking her head made Sarah completely lose her nutty.  Again.

Eventually, even tiny Sarah realized that she had been living the movie Groundhog Day for the last six months and that it was probably time to go.  And then they were gone.

Again.

Side note:  Did anyone else see how fast Kendall turned and walked in the opposite direction when she stumbled on Jill (…straw hat…love…) and the rest of the Moms grilling Gia about all of Abby’s sketchiness?  In the background?  When she walked by and then saw what was going on and took off so fast that she left skid marks on the floor like she was doing donuts in a Kmart parking lot?

Peace out.  I keep telling you…them Vertes Girls are smart ones, y’all.

Finally, it was Hollywood and Highland time!

And it was a mob scene.  Screaming kids and wannabe Dance Moms everywhere.  And it was all emceed by Hip-Hopper E-Baby from the Penn Point Dance Academy.

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Not gonna lie.  At first I thought Abby introduced him as being from West Point and I thought, my…how progressive our military has become.

Don’t Tap.  Don’t Tell.

He showcased his hip hop kids and then accepted Abby’s impromptu offer to teach at the new ALDCLA.

And then the Candy Apples showed up, strutting across the mall catwalk and getting all Ohio gangstah on the crowd until E-Baby challenged everyone to a Dance-Off.

Cuz that’s how Lifetime do, yo.  Dance-Offs.

Except for Abby, who doesn’t actually dance…because, you know.  She just stood off to the side of the stage, backing dat thang up while Cathy kinda shimmied like the Mother of the Bride.  Cathy was carrying around an apple-shaped clock that would have been much more visually effective if she had worn it on a giant neck chain like Flava Flav.

Beef Jerky Boyeeeeee!

And the rest of the Moms?  Well they just got jiggy wid it.

Go, Jill.  Go, Jill.

(Props to Holly, too.  Ever since that whole Toddy Rockstar music video thing she’s a little bit of a freak at the PTA meetings.)

Each ALDC kid smacked down on a CADC kid.  And then they went group vs. group.

But all that really matters are two takeaways from the whole thing.

One…that little McKenzie Morales kid is spunky.  Clearly created in a lab using DNA scraped from the inside of Asia Monet Ray‘s sippy cup, McKenzie slapped all those other girls back into yesterday.h2

Booyeah.  It ain’t just salsa in that bottle, lemme tell you.

And two…Sasha Nia.

What the what?  Where did all that sass come from, girlfriend?

Off.  The.  Hook.

Even Mom was all like Dat’sMyBabyGettingAllKrunkUpThere!WhoKnew!

Nia was on fiyah.  Fi.  Yah.  Splits and Death Drops and Is That All You Gots? all over the stage.  She even whipped her weave right in some poor kid’s face until he cried.

Right in the kid’s face.  I swear.  Like they do on Bring It!

I was up off the couch snatching my own weave she got so thug.

Side note:  If you don’t watch Bring It! you won’t understand the Awesomeness That Was Nia.  That…and we can’t be friends.  Ever.

Asia: The Sequel won the solo competition, but the ALDC took the group improv title.

Beat ‘em on stage.  Beat ‘em in the street.  In yo’ face, Candy Apples.

Luckily, before it escalated into an actual street battle, everyone headed back to their hotel rooms for some sleep.

Because…you know.

It’s Nationals, baby.

Time to focus.

tbc


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