Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Spoilers’

Dance Moms: Bye Bye Pittsburgh! The ALDC Is Letting It Go One Last Time And Then Heading To Hollywood.

Wednesday, January 28th, 2015

jk

 

 

I was told this was Casual Friday, so I toned it down a bit. Normally there’s a sparkler in the bow.

 

 

hf

 

 

Gurl, I really wish we didn’t have that new “Don’t Pick On Little Kids” rule, cuz I could totally pop off right now.

 

jh1

 

 

Let’s just hit these roots with a little Vidal SASSYoon and you’ll be good to go for another month.

 

 

kid1

 

 

OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows! OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows! OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows!

 

j1

 

 

 

For tonight’s performance, the role of Christy Hunt will be played by Jessalynn Siwa.

 

jv

 

 

 

I swear I close my eyes at night and I can still hear that woman’s voice in my damn head.

 

km

 

 

 

Can you hand me another Wet-Nap? I got some of that chick’s Krazy right in my eyeball.

 

 

 

Mic Check.

With apologies to Elsa and Idina, I give you the Dance Moms Fight Song:

          Let it go, let it go.

          Can’t hold it back anymore.

          Let it go, let it go.

          Turn away and slam the door.*

(*After declaring “I’m Done!” at least four times.  Bonus Points for snatching up all your belongings and your kid on the way out.  Or throwing a shoe.)

          Let it go, let it go.

          I am one with the wind and sky.

          Let it go, let it go

          You’ll never see me cry!*

(*Because I’m saving those tears for my Olaf pillow.  Duh.)

          Let the storm rage on…

I could go on for days with this one, but I think you get the point.

Fix your feet and touch up those roots, kids.  The ALDC is about to get Frozen.

me

With only one competition left before their highly hyped LA Road Trip, everyone was a little stressed as they rolled into the ALDC for this week’s assignments.  No one on the team (…except Sia‘s new BFF Maddie…) was even guaranteed a seat on the plane yet, so it was important that all the Moms and not-so-tiny-anymore dancers be on their ‘A’ Game.

And being on your ‘A’ Game meant you couldn’t come in Second Place again like they had done last week.  Not an option if you wanted to make it to Hollywood…and IN Hollywood.

There’s no room in First Class for First Losers, y’all.

Nia and Holly arrived first with some sad news.  Nia’s grandfather was ill and even though Nia was committed to the Hollywood adventure, she wanted to let Abby know that she may have to leave LA at some point.

I love how my girl Sasha Nia has grown into her own.  She can speak for herself and don’t need Mama to do her talkin’ for her, thank you very much.  She explained the situation like an adult and somehow managed to accidentally unleash the Softer Side of Abby, who gave her a big hug when she started crying.

Since the Softer Side of Abby is the same side that stuffed a dog and left it laying on the couch for an entire season, I’m never really sure how I’m supposed to react when she surprises us with a moment of compassion.

But if it made Sasha feel better, than I’m all for it.

As the girls bounced into formation for the Pyramid of Shame, they were rocking new ALDC logo tops like little catalog models.  Everyone except for Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo, that is, who had chosen instead to just coat herself in spray adhesive and roll around in glitter for ten minutes before reporting for duty.

Srsly.  That kid.

jj

(Spoiler Alert:  I don’t know why she bothers to touch up her roots every two weeks when they’re always covered by those gigantic gift wrap bows.  I really don’t.  Put that money towards college.  Or my blog.)

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Nia, Kendall and Kalani.  Coming in Second Place will do that to your rankings.

Maddie was in the middle with JoJo, which made my head hurt a little.  Sometimes when a dancer isn’t at the previous competition they end up on the bottom, but sometimes not.  I don’t really know how any of this works.  There are just too many rules to the whole Pyramid thang, if you ask me.

Regardless, it meant that MackenzieBoo had not only Boom Boom Bang Banged herself into First Place at last week’s competition, but also managed to take Maddie’s spot on top of the Pyramid.  MackZ in the penthouse suite, yo.

Side note:  Of course JoJo’s headshot has a glitter background. Because…glitter.

Remember that baby from Toddlers & Tiaras that was always crawling around on the kitchen table wearing an “I Poop Glitter” onesie while her big sister was standing on a trash bag getting spray tanned?  You just think about that for minute.

Before Abby could even assign solos, Jessalynn and Kira started in on each other over some never before addressed issue where JoJo had apparently called up the Glitter Co. CEO and requested free swag and a tote bag.

I dunno.  News to me.  It just kind of came out of nowhere.

Kira kinda sorta mimicked JoJo’s cartoon voice a little and got called out on it later up in the MomPerch, where the two of them went at it for a few minutes just like in the old AUDC days when they used to sit around that hot glue gun table and bark at each other.

nh

Those were good days.

Question:  So are we NOT supposed to make fun of the kids in FRONT of the kids, or can we do that now?  Or is that not cool at any time?  Not that I would, of course.  But.

Because last week…I mean…

I swear this show has more rules than the actual competitions.

Speaking of.  This week the gang was headed to Woodbridge, NJ for the World Class Talent Experience.  Kendall, Maddie and JoJo all scored solos.

The group routine was going to be an icy little number based on Disney’s hit movie Frozen, because Gawd knows we haven’t had enough of Disney’s hit movie Frozen in the last 12 months.  Just ask any parent who is ready to slit their own throat with the sharp edge of the Sing-A-Long DVD.  Go ahead.  Ask them.  I’ll wait.

Up in the MomPerch, Jessalynn and Kira were still going at it, while Holly made it clear that she couldn’t teach JoJo’s Mom how to have class.

Because.  School.  Is.  Out.

Snap.  Somebody got another new pair of SassyPants for Christmas.

And then JoJo did her roots.  F’realz.

Right there in the kitchen sink.  Since the shock value was slightly lessened by having already seen Jessalynn go deep with the Nice ‘n Easy during an earlier episode of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, it gave me more time to snoop around the kitchen.

Did you see how many utensils and glass containers they had on the counter?  If you’re only in town for a few weeks as a guest of the ALDC, why do you need so many wooden spoons?  If you bought them all, that’s kind of a waste of money.  And if they came with that furnished dorm apartment, that’s kind of gross.

jh

And don’t you worry.  The irony of hearing Jessalynn say “Just stay here as yourself” while she bleached her kid’s hair into a completely different color than she was born with wasn’t lost on me at all.

The next day, JoJo’s roots were as on point as her patriotic workout gear.

Because…4th of July glitter.

If I’m not mistaken, it was actually the same outfit that Patti LaBelle‘s backup dancers wore during the 1986 closing ceremony concert when they relit the Statue of Liberty.  Trust me, if JoJo could have arrived at the ALDC that morning in a flying jetpack like the guy did during Liberty Weekend I’m sure she would have been all over it.

As the girls and Abby began to realize that JoJo wasn’t going to make the cut in the group routine (…pssst…there are actually 8 counts in an 8 count, sweetie…) the Moms were upstairs stressing out about Hollywood.  Except for Melissa that iswho had already quadruple booked Maddie for two interviews, a TV show audition and a cruise ship christening.  And my MomCrush Jill, who was off at some top secret event in Kentucky that I could only pray at some point would involve cowboy hats.

Eventually, Abby cut JoJo from the group dance and contemplated cutting her actual tongue out of her mouth when she sassed back about her Macy’s Parade costume.

Because…glitter and sass.

JoJo cried (…“I Poop AND Cry–“…) and then Abby gave the Moms a lecture on how she is the manager of all these random children.

Jessalynn declared that she had “given up a lot” to be here for these two weeks, which in an odd TV Spoiler kind of way just ruined the surprise that she and JoJo were not on next week’s Hollywood VIP List.  Not to mention making me once again question why she had purchased so many spatulas.

elsa

Before they hit the road to NJ, Nia and her Dad (…why did they just tag him as ‘Nia’s Father?’  Dude has a name…) went to visit her grandfather, which made me way too sad to talk about.

And then Kira wore an Elsa braid for the first time ever.  You just let it go, girl.

I mean, really.  Let it go.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy crowd bus arrival time.

And time for the cutest little girl EVAH to go completely bazoinkers when she realized that she and JoJo were both wearing hair bows at the same time.

I know, right?  OMG.  Twinsies!  You could totally tell she was the kind of kid who had such a high pitched scream that rivals underwater sonar.  So.  Cute.

Once everyone got settled into the makeup room, Gianna handed off some top secret cell phone text/email message to Abby that made her lose her marbles and JoJo got caught in the crossfire.

Innocently asking Miss Abby if she knew the order of the solos, JoJo pretty much got her eyebrows burned off when Abby flipped out on her for interrupting the adults.

I mean.  Flipped.  Out.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ll be the first one in line buying tickets for the Tell JoJo To Shut Up Lottery, but still.  That was a bit extreme.  Even by Abby/JoJo standards.

Turns out that this competition had even more rules than the Pyramid and all the other competitions combined and somehow Maddie and Kendall ended up being in the Teen Division due to birthdays, Earth’s solar alignment and who knows what else.  Jill tried to explain the math, but it was way over my head.

Even the group dance was now in the Teen Division.  Don’t ask.

mz

Side note:  Was Mackenzie even IN this episode?

Side note again:  World Class has some of the least World Class stage lighting I’ve ever seen.  The kids were either all dancing too close to the edge of the stage or WCTE is too cheap to buy spotlights.  Never skimp on the lighting, people.

Maddie and Kendall’s solos were great.  Not sure why Maddie was stressing out about being in the Teen Division.  If she can cage fight half naked with Shia LaBeouf I’m not sure why she can’t do some toe spins in front of a 17 year old.  But whatever.

JoJo’s ‘Fashion Victim’ solo was an Aqua-Net sight to behold, fo’ sho.

Backstage as the gang got ready for the group, Jessalynn tried one more time to sneak JoJo back into routine by pulling out her calculator and showing how her daughter’s birthday would drop the team back down to the Pee Wee League.

But Abby wasn’t buying what she was selling.

Yes.  Dance Math is hard.  But the answer was still NO.

And how about that Frozen makeup?  Amazeballs.  Half ice princess, half punked at school and shot in the face with a fire extinguisher, the girls definitely looked winterized.  And the Moms definitely don’t make these costumes at home on the Singer anymore.

Unfortunately, crystal snowflakes or nah, they only came in Second Place.  Again.  Which is the second week for coming in Second Place if you’re keeping track of these things.

First Losers, one mo’ time.

Abby was not happy.

Especially when they were headed to California soon.  Going to LA with no wins?  Srsly?

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And what about all the opportunities that Maddie has coming her way?  How ’bout sharing some of that love, Abby?  Yeah.  Share it.

The other Moms just wanted the same attention for their daughters that Maddie and Mackenzie always receive.  Understandable.  Abby always says that she’s there for the whole team, but for some reason Ryan Seacrest only wants to talk with Maddie when he calls.  Go figure.

You can pretty much make up the rest of the backstage arguments on your own, because you already knew where this one was headed.

JoJo was semi-cut from the LA Roadtrip.  No real surprise, since we already knew how much she given up for these two weeks, right?  If Jessalyn wants JoJo there, she needs to get her there on her own dime, not Lifetime’s.

(Hope you kept the Bed, Bath & Beyond receipts for some of those spoons, honey.  Have you seen the price of air fare lately?)

Holly and Jill vowed to promote the glitter right out of their own kids if that’s how Abby wanted to play it now.  Game On, lady.

And then it was over for this week.

Abby slammed the door.  And the rest of them went home to start packing for California.

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re all going to Hollywood.   And I’m going with ‘em.

          Because this show never bothered me anyway.

(See what I did there?)

California, here we come!

face

****

RIP GrandDad Andrew.

I know your grandkids are making you so proud.

ngp

Dance Moms: She’s Baaaack! It’s The Return Of Honey Bow Bow Child When JoJo Takes The ALDC To Church.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

anjj

 

 

Let’s plead insanity on that lawsuit. I’m sure I’ll pick up plenty of pointers this week. Trust me.

 

 

kh

 

 

 

That. Was hilarious.

 

 

h 2

 

 

 

Don’t you worry, people. Mini-Maya ’bout to own this stage. But first, let me take a selfie.

 

mj

 

 

 

I don’t even know where I am right now. But I know it’s awesome and I like ponies and Skittles.

 

 

mcz

 

 

I can already feel the Sassy Super Powers of this magic hair bow burning into my brain. It works!

 

 

jess

 

 

I’m just saying go get your own damn Starbucks because this Cup o’ Crazy is all mine, honey.

 

 

nj

 

 

 

AwHellNah. What is that on your head, girl? I don’t think so.

 

 

 

It’s true.

Hair Bow Chicka Bow Bow.

Ready or not, here she comes.

JoJo Siwa is back in the ALDC hizzle, yo.

Dance Moms raised the Headgear Threat Level to Glitter this week with the highly promoted arrival of the sassified Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition alum and it was pretty much everything you would expect to see when someone from the planet KrazyPants crash lands on the ALDC Mothership.

Because that’s what it was.

Krazy.  With a capital ‘K.’

But first, there were a few quieter non-JoJo moments before she and Mom Jessalyn knocked down the studio door and started making all the dogs in my house run in circles.

After last week’s confrontation between Holly and Abby, there was still a lot of underlying tension in that little pink holding room as the Few and The Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms waited for the Pyramid of Shame to commence.  With only three Moms and four dancers remaining, Kalani and Mom Kira were settling in nicely as new/old additions to the mix, but you could definitely cut it with a knife.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Right out of the gate, my MomCrush was on point.  Bump-It was almost setting off the ceiling sprinklers and she was working one of her officially licensed furry Star Wars vests.  I’m also digging that new Herbal Essence hairdo she’s rocking in the confessional one-on-ones.  I’m not sure how she makes all those hot roller curls bounce in slow motion like Baywatch, but she does.j

As Abby called everyone in for Pyramid, Holly asked if the Moms could come in first for a little chat, but she got shot down before she even finished the sentence.  No time for group hugs when there are Pyramids to unveil.

You heard me.  Pyramids.  Plural.

It was the Pyramids and Pyramids and Pyramids of Shame this week.

All the girls’ new and improved head shots from last week’s photo shoot were plastered across the mirrors.  Everyone got their own private pyramid, with all their different looks and outfit changes all taped up for the big reveal.  It was a moment when you suddenly realized how much they’ve all grown up over the years.

It was also one of those moments when you don’t question anything and just go with the flow.  Like when Glee kids burst into song in the middle of gym class or Lassie finds Timmy in an abandoned water well.  Because it’s a television show, people.

Yes.  It’s real life.  With real loving Moms who love real kids.  But it’s also real life on a reality show.  On your television.  So there’s stuff you see and don’t see and reasons for this and that and things that get edited and things that get cut.  Which is why Abby Lee Miller has a television show on a national cable network while Miss Jolene’s Dance and Tumble Tots Complex still shares Community Center rehearsal space with the Silver Sneakers senior program.

And it’s also why I just roll my eyes sometimes when people get themselves all bunched up on Twitter.  Chillax or change the channel.

But I digress.

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As you’ll recall, last week every girl had a 15 minute limit on their camera time which MackZ, Maddie and Kalani hogged, leaving Nia only 7 minutes to put on three different outfits, change her makeup twice and flat iron her hair.

Trust me, I’ve watched enough Bring It! to know that ain’t gonna happen in 7 minutes.

So relax.  It’s TV.

Honestly, I don’t even remember them bringing in that tree or wall or whatever it was that Kalani was leaning on.  Is she even old enough to have already had her Senior Pictures done?  She totes needs to sign my yearbook.

There was Spunky Maddie, Sultry Maddie, I Think I Like Boys Now Mackenzie, Soap Opera Kalani, Diva Nia and Sporty Spice all over the mirrors.  All done in 15 minutes.

It’s television.  And I just spent way too much time on that rant, so we’ll have to skip the actual Pyramid part this week.  Blah Blah…Maddie on top.  The End.

This week, the gang was heading to Warren, NJ for another In10sity Dance Competition.  The group routine was going to be a potentially controversial dance based on Religious Diversity, which immediately started spiking Twitter faster than Kim Kardashian‘s naked butt.

MackZ was handed yet another acrobatic solo, which was pretty strange considering all the time that Abby spends telling her to grow up and be an MTV vixen.  Pretty hard to do when you spend every week doing whatever that hand stand in a circle thing is called.

The final solo of the week was dangled in front of Nia’s face like meat-on-a-stick for about 20 minutes before Abby walked to the side door and announced the arrival of Storm JoJo.

Oh, JoJo.

jss

Part Asia Monet wannabe, part Anna Nicole Smith after a hard night of clubbing and part every Toddlers & Tiaras kid who ever finger kissed themselves right off the edge of the stage into a face plant on the Ramada ballroom carpet.

(Yeah, I’m talking to you, Eden Wood…)

That’s our JoJo.  Complete with yet another ginormous sparkly Joker bow/flower dingly head thingamabob that looked like it should be squirting water in Batman’s face.  And her Mom Jessalynn.  The other loud accessory that JoJo never leaves the house without.

If you watched AUDC, you’ll remember Jessalynn from her sassy “Girlfrieeeend” throw downs with every other Mom in the competition.

If you didn’t watch AUDC, Jessalynn is that woman who cuts in front of you at Walmart and then pretends that she was there the whole time.

As the girls stretched it out and started work on the religious number, the Moms hit the MomPerch.  Jessalynn started spraying attitude all over the couch, and as soon as it hit Holly’s new hair it was on like Donkey Kong.  For the full hour.

Old Moms and New Moms never seem to play nice on this show.  Or is it just me?

MackZ had to put on JoJo’s big ol’ hair bow at some point, too, in hopes that it would inspire sassiness.  It’s like a brain chip.  A big, curly, gift wrapped brain chip.  And it’s how KrazyPantaliens assimilate into our society.

The next day, Holly had raided Jill’s closet while she was in the shower and swiped one of her furry vests when nobody was looking.  But it worked.  You go, girl.

Downstairs in the studio, JoJo was really struggling with her solo.  Did I mention that Maddie was gone again?  I probably should have, since JoJo’s piece was supposed to fill the lyrical MaddieVoid while Maddie was off with her new bestie Sia at some Hollywood Bowl benefit concert.

jj

Q.  What were you doing when you were 12 years old?

A.  Not that.  Loser.

Clearly, little Miss JJ  was not going to be able to handle the choreography, so mid-stream Abby changed the whole dance into some JoJo-friendly JazzSpazz kinda thing, which left the ALDC without the lyrical routine that had previously been submitted to the competition.

Q.  What to do now?

A.  Check behind Door #2 and see what prize you find.

Side note:  Are these kids all backed up behind that studio door just waiting for their 15 minutes of face time or what?  As soon as Abby screamed for tiny Sarah Hunt to come into the studio, she was there.  Like…instantly.  Almost like teleportation, if you want to keep with the sci-fi theme.

It must look like a spandex-y (…is that a word?…) log jam of hyperventilating baby dancers on the other side of that wall just waiting to hear their name called.

Come on down!  You’re the next player!

You remember Sarah.  She cried all the time.  Especially on buses.  A real cutie, but I always get nervous around little kids who cry so hard they can’t breath, because the last thing you want to do is perform CPR on somebody with UglyCryingNose.

Google it.  It’s gross.  And wet.

And then her Mom Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) barreled into the studio.  If you put your ear to the ground you could have probably heard her coming into town like a western stage coach stampede.

Great.  Another loud Mom.

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I’m not sure if we need to call her CHRIST-y anymore, since there is only one Christi now.  Especially on a religious diversity episode.  They’re never really clear on what protocol to follow every time Abby drives a Mom out of the building.

Jessalynn and Christy pig piled right on top of each other as soon as they hit the Perch.  Christy thought she was better than Jessalynn.  Jessalynn thought she was better than Christy.  They both smack talked each other’s kid, which is not cool.

Let’s be real.  If you popped their heads off like Barbie dolls and swapped them on each other’s bodies they would still be the exact same person with different hair color, so I’m not really sure why they didn’t hit it off better.  I think these issues go deeper than just Walmart.

Jessalynn also likes her catch phrases.  You know they’re catch phrases when Lifetime tweets them out.  Check ‘em out when you have time.

Around now was when Maddie called in from Hollywood.  She was with her Aunt Renee, who seemed very good at chaperoning but not so great at remembering to bring Maddie’s hairbrush.  Or maybe I’ve just never had to learn four dance routines in one day.

Maybe that’s it.  I apologize for my jealousy.

Abby put Maddie on speaker and basically trash talked all the other girls like a Boss until Sia told her girl to get off the damn phone.  Time is Money in Hollywood.  Chop Chop.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy bus crowd arrival time.

Lawd.  These tweeny bop fans are bonkers.  I’m probably just jealous (…again…) that I never got to run down a sidewalk high-fiving everyone when I was in 5th grade….but still.

Bonkers.

Backstage, there was no sign of Abby.  Nada.

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No Maddie = No Abby?  Hmmmm.

Holly questioned Gianna, but didn’t get any solid response.  If you DVR’d the show and don’t have much time, just fast forward to the part where Holly is sewing stuff into Nia’s head and goes “Well, some people have priorities, mmmmmkay?”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Book me a chair at Dr. Beyoncé’s House Of Hair right now.  I mean it.

Sarah’s solo was good.  Jessalynn said she wasn’t strong enough to dance at the YMCA, but I enjoyed it.  JoJo’s solo was classic JoJo.

Abby finally decided to show up, walking down the aisle like she was Ellen Degeneres‘ Oscar Night Pizza Guy or something.  The crowd went nuts and I started craving pepperoni.  Miss Abby does like her entrances.  And her pizza, I bet.

She was just in time for MackZ’s ‘Boom Boom’ solo, which I think was supposed to be an Ariana Grande ‘Bang Bang’ solo…but “Back seat of my car I’ll let you have it” doesn’t really make sense when you’re doing circular handstands, if you know whaddimean.

Back in the makeup room, the Moms tried to figure out what took Abby so long to get to the venue.  Something about traffic and court dates and the usual roundabout non-answer answers.  She’s getting pretty good at that.

And then I rolled on my remote and was suddenly watching CNN.  And they were interviewing a little muslim girl in a burqa.  I swear.  She was right there.

At first I was all like That’s a cute little muslim girl in a burqa.  Where’d my remote go?”  

And then I was all like “Why is that CNN anchor putting fake eye lashes on that little muslim girl in a burqa?  Is that a thing now?”

And then I realized it was JoJo in a burqa and I was all like…

giphy

(Special thanks to @SnarkyBot for letting me plagiarize his plagiarized gif.)

I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole thing.  But again, wrong blog for this.  They’d catch flak for NOT including a little girl in a burqa, probably more so than for including her in a diversity themed dance.  The point was to show different religions expressing different beliefs, but still being able to come together as one.

Plus they only have six kids on the payroll.

So again…take it to the chat rooms.

On the other hand, Kira and Jill were pretty excited that JoJo couldn’t talk, so in an oddly ironic religious moment, all our prayers were answered.

Don’t you worry, tho.  There were plenty of other religious costumes to keep the chat rooms buzzing.  MackZ was even dressed up as the tiniest Nun I’ve ever seen.  Even the Flying One was bigger.

Note to our Catholic school friends:  Only the cool nuns BeDazzle their habits, so don’t expect to see that when you walk into homeroom.  Lower your expectations, please.

The group number came off much better on stage than it had back at the ALDC, but unfortunately the new and the old girls were still to new and old to mesh perfectly.  They did great, and Sasha Nia killed it with another Spoken Word routine.  But the judges only gave them Second Place.

Which is the First Loser, as you’ll recall.

Hey.  Was that Melanie in the audience?  Another AUDC alum?  Haley Huelsman‘s Mom?  Nobody else in America has that hair.  I think it was her.  Hey, girl.

Side note:  True Story.  When Melanie was in Boston for a dance recital, she walked right past me in the food court with some crazy a** sparkeld-up denim Mom jeans and knocked over my diet Coke with her massive handbag.

Never even offered to clean it up or pay for it.

burka

Granted, she didn’t actually know that she did it because she was too busy yakking it up with her posse.  But still.  It’s the principle of the thing.  And it’s a true story.

She owes me $1.89.  Plus tax.

When it was over, Sarah took First Place in her Mini Bite-Sized solo division.  See?  Told you so.  Trophies are way better than tears, honey.  Now go to the back of the bus and wipe your nose.

JoJo took home Third Place for her high voltage ‘Electricity’ routine, while MackZ Boom Boomed herself right into First Place.  We finally got her out of that Bumblebee costume, now we just gotta get her out of those circus handstands.

But coming in Second for the ALDC is not acceptable.  At least in Abby’s book, so the whole thing collapsed pretty quickly backstage.  Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with Second Place.  It makes you stronger and gives you incentive to get better and better and apply yourself to succeed and improve on what you’re already good at.

I just can’t get Abby to agree.  Which in turn always gets all the Moms worked up.  To the point where Jessalynn even talked a little smack about kids while kids were still in the room, which is a No-Go ever since Kelly slapped the TMZ right outta Abby last season.

Yikes.

So all the Moms went at it one last time, until only Holly and Jessalynn were left standing.

And who do you think won that one?  Any money on my girl?

Don’t be fooled by the PhDs that I got.  I’m still, I’m still Holly from the Block.

Love her.

Bronx Cheer, everyone.

See you next week.

bx

Dance Moms: The ALDC Stomps The Yard When Abby Gets Served. Nobody Knows The Mama Drama I’ve Seen.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

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Srsly? Another parking ticket? Are you people blind? My freakin’ name’s on the damn sign.

 

 

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Everybody knows the curlier it gets, the crazier I get. And do you see these ends right now?

 

 

mel

 

 

Check out this loot! A Walmart truck tipped over on the highway. There was s*** everywhere!

 

 

nm

 

 

Side Eyes is the new Crazy Eyes, sweetie. I see you and your little crown over there. Yes, I do…

 

 

mj

 

 

Never understood this Bump-It thing. Is there something in there or does she just puff it up?

 

 

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Own your words and then explain what happened to all the puppies in these cages.

 

 

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Gimme Face. Flirty. Like you’re trying to bribe a civil judge. Hypothetically, of course…

 

 

 

FYI.

Don’t bother packing your ALDC sunglasses.

Trust me.  You won’t be needing them.  Not this week.

Because…oh, Hunty.  The SHADE.

You might need your Dance Moms Library card, tho.

Because, Gurrl…somebody’s ’bout to read you like an overdue book.

And now that I’ve exhausted two of my best Real Housewives of RuPaul references, let’s get the party started, shall we?  We’ve got a lot of ground to cover.

The shizzle all hit the DanceFan in the first four seconds of this week’s episode when a proud member of the Pennsylvania Judicial System showed up at the ALDC front desk to serve Abby Lee Miller with papers.  Legal papers.  Scary legal papers.

Yup.  Kelly and Paige‘s big TMZ lawsuit.

The producers tried to blur his face out like they do Melissa‘s mouth when she swears, but you could still tell that the Court Officer looked like one of the little old men they always put into Pixar movies.  He probably plays chess in the park when he’s not telling people they’re getting sued.  Or ties balloons to his house and flies over the Grand Canyon.

He managed to zig zag his way around a studio full of cameramen and production people all bumping into each other, handed off the paperwork and then told Abby to have a nice day.  Which was hilarious, considering the way the rest of her day would actually go now.

Side note:  There were a lot of random, panicked behind the scenes people tripping over each other and walking in front of the cameras this week.  A lot.

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It was like the old Bugs Bunny cartoon when they would all try to put on a song and dance show (…“Night of  Nights!”…) but the camera tripods would keep tipping over and spot lights would crash down from the ceiling right before one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick came swinging into a shot.

Like that.  But without the talking rabbit or anyone taking an anvil to the head.

Not yet, anyway.

Abby was so distraught after the officer left that she ran out into the parking lot and was met up by all the Moms and their tiny dancers.  They couldn’t believe what just went down.

Melissa was all like WhatHappenedWhatHappened?  Holly was all like ShutUpNoWay.  Jill was all like AwHellNahKelly.  (My MomCrush looking on point, BTW.)

 And I was all like WhyDoesAbbyNeedHerOwnParkingSpotWithASign?

Side note:  You can tell that Holly is one of those people who refuses to make two trips into the house with her groceries, because she was carrying more stuff in the parking lot than she could handle.  Purse, water bottle, phone, something under her arm, hot rollers, dance bag, half of Nia‘s junk and who knows what else.  Love her.

After some tears and a closer look at Dr. Beyoncé’s new on-trend eye makeup palette, everyone headed inside for the Pyramid of Shame.  Everyone except Kira and Kalani, that is, who were late.  Yup.  Late.  On their second week back at the ALDC.

According to my excel spreadsheet (…because I keep track of these kind of things, you know…) it was right about here that Holly began her week of Not Taking Any Crap No Mo’.

Emotions had already been running high this season (…all one episode of it…) thanks to the loss of Christi and Chloe and the residual fall out of a dwindling team.  All the Moms were on edge and trying hard to process this new reality while balancing the needs of what was best for their children with the potential move to ALDC LA.

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Sticking up for yourself.  Sticking up for your child.  Standing strong for your beliefs.

Whatever you want to call it.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Back inside, K & K showed up.  Apparently, they don’t have traffic lights in Arizona.

Kalani always looks so smiley and pretty, even when Holly checked her watch like a Hall Monitor.  Once a principal, always a principal, I guess.

Bottom of the Pyramid was a Ziegler Tag Team.  Maddie and Mackenzie.  I think Mackenzie was down there because her old pouty, kissy-face headshot didn’t match her new gangstah MackZ persona.  And it doesn’t really matter where Maddie is on the Pyramid anymore because she danced with Sia.

Twice.

Which is two more times than you have.

Middle tier was home to Nia and Kendall, with Kalani coming in on top.  Clearly, punctuality is not a determining factor in Pyramid placement.

This week the gang was headed to Detroit for the Energy Dance Competition, which was home to former ALDC Dance Mom and (…alleged…) current ALDC Stalker Jeanette Cota and her daughter Ava.

You remember them.  Ava was the one who got cut from the new ALDC Team last season and never knew it.  The one who got cut and then kept showing up for work like she was some kind of tenured university professor or something.

We liked them.  You know how I roll.  The crazier the better.

Maddie and Kalani both scored solos.  Something that Abby called The Match-Up of the Century.  Like it was a pay-per-view Maddie vs. Kalani Cage Fight or something.  av

Something that the entire world had been waiting for.

Umm.  No disrespect intended, because both girls can dance, but I think there are probably a few other things going on in the world right now that might knock their one night only Death Match off the CNN scroll.  But whatever, Abby.

It didn’t really matter, because the big deal was going to be a ‘Stomp The Yard’ group dance based on the redoinkulously popular Orange Is The New Black television show.  Every one went nuts when they heard the news.  Except for Holly, who was saving all her nuts so she could completely lose them all at once later in the episode.

Again, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Up in the MomPerch, Holly was just getting warmed up as she confronted Kira.  She nailed Kalani’s Mom on tardiness, on thinking she was more special than she was and for jumping on and off the ALDC Mothership whenever the mood struck her.

One:  I live for this new background music that the producers have snuck into these scenes.  How much do you think they had to pay Survivor and Days of Our Lives for those little snippets?

And Two:  Holly ’bout made me fall back into my pew a few times up there.

Preach, Girl.  Just Preach.

The next day, Abby must have heard me, because all the girls were back in the studio to get new head shots before they left for Hollywood.

The short version of the story is that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani got more camera time than the other girls, even though Abby had committed to a strict no-exceptions 15 minute limit for everyone.  Melissa brought more clothes for one class picture than two little girls should even own and yet the only thing that really surprised me was that Casa Ziegler doesn’t have color-coordinated hangers from the Container Store.

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I don’t know why, but I just imagined Melissa as being the kind of person who has all matchy-matchy hangers at home, so I was really surprised when she showed up with two arm loads of mismatched tops from Goodwill.  Where do you even get wire hangers?

Naturally, when it came time for Nia’s shot, Abby left the room and Holly made a HollyFace.  Or two.  Or a million.

But Nia rocked it.  Give that girl some lip gloss and a paper clip and she could break into a bank.  You go, Sasha.  You just go.

Did I mention that Abby whispered to the Head Shot Lady that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani were the only three that would get jobs in the future?  Because she did.  And some other Moms heard it.  Yikes.

Back in the MomPerch, we learned that Kira creeps other people’s Facebook pages and Melissa got an email from Elle Magazine.  Initially, I wasn’t too impressed since I get those subscription emails all the time, until she clarified that they wanted Maddie for a photo spread and article.

Fine.  You win.  Again.

And then Holly got the most random call from Jeanette.  Because if you’re going to stalk people, it’s important that you have all their contact information loaded into your blocked cell phone at all times, right?

Wait.  What?

Jeanette let Holly know that what Abby did to her daughter was sooooo wrong and that she was coming for her.  And then they played some more Days of Our Lives music.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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What happened to the ALDC’s matching Louis bags?  Remember those?  Everyone was walking into Detroit with Forever 21 sacks and whatever else they could find in the house.

And how about Jeanette and that Broadway Dance Academy Welcome Team?  And that one girl who didn’t get the memo to wear her Sound of Music/Children of the Corn hair braids?  Did you see that?

They were too young to be Stepford Wives, but if they were older they would have totally been Stepford Wives.  Not creepy at all.

To stir things up before the show even got started, Jeanette busted right into the ALDC makeup room with a lady that I’m pretty sure was Phoebe from the TV show Friends.  Or at least Phoebe’s Mom or older sister.  How freaky was that?

There was some screaming back and forth and then Abby called out Phoebe for wearing a top that was longer than the jacket she had chosen as a layering piece, because when you’re going down in a fight you grab for any gun you can find, I guess.

Side note:  I didn’t have the heart to tell Abby that Isaac Mizrahi was just on QVC last week saying that longer shirts were so NOW, darling.  Really.  Am I right?

Since Abby didn’t trust Jeanette’s backstage antics anymore than she trusted her friend’s fashion sense, she followed her ALDC Team into the wings to watch the solos from a new vantage point.  All the other dance companies got a little giggly and spent more time watching Abby yell across the stage than they did watching their own team.  There were so many people back there.  Totally above fire code.

Not gonna lie.  I even thought I saw the Bring It! girls for a second and almost lost it.

DD4L!

And where do they get these judges?  And why haven’t I been asked to guest judge yet?  I swear one of them was from that Toni Braxton show.  And the other one had on the same outfit that Prince wore when I saw him in concert.

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Ava’s solo was nothing but legs.  She is so tall.  Holy tall, Batman.  Or maybe she just has really long legs.  Kira called her a praying mantis, which was kind of mean in a truthfully kind of mean way.  But you really shouldn’t pick on kids.

Kalani’s solo kinda sorta reminded me of Brooke‘s old acrobatic routines every once in awhile.  Except that Kira’s hands didn’t have third degree hot glue gun burns on them like Kelly’s.  These Moms are clearly not making their kid’s costumes anymore.

Quick pause here to mention how much we miss them Hylands.  Hey, girls.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo that was supposed to be based on Abby’s current situation(s) but it completely went over my head.  It was a Maddie dance.  And it was good.  And she’s really  grown up since last season.

Then Jeanette stormed the castle again, but instead of Phoebe from Friends I think she brought that makeup lady Adrien Arpel from HSN.

Or it could have been Gina, the owner of Energy Dance.  But she sure looked like Adrien.  And honestly, if either of them can really take five years off the wrinkles in my face without a needle, I don’t care how severely blunt their bangs are.

Jeanette accused Abby of harassing her daughter backstage.  Blah to the blah to the blah.

But, seriously.  Can we talk about that group number?  Dang.

Orange is the New Black, yo.  It was off the ankle shackle chain.

Granted, you knew Nia would end up with the bantu knots in her hair.  But it was better than the Halloween afros Abby used to plop on her head and I got to learn what a bantu knot was called.  And when did Nia grow up and get so sassy?  Hashtag TeamNia.

nf

Nia wrecked the stage.  Like it was Dance Off: The Sequel.  Even Maddie toughened up, which was pretty exciting since I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go watching her end every one of her dances in that same glamour shot pose.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t end the whole thing on a high note.  When the scores were handed out, Abby felt the competition was rigged and everything fell apart.

Backstage, Abby asked Kendall to walk into the room the same way she would walk into a Hollywood casting call office.  Kendall failed the test and then…yeah.

Boom.

Abby called Jill a Bad Mother.  Kendall cried.  Nia stood up for all the girls in the room.

And then Holly lost all her stored up nuts.  All at once.

I don’t blame her.  But I can’t do it justice.

Sometimes you just gotta stand up for what you believe in.  Especially if someone sticks their hand in your cave and tries to hurt your babies.

It went down.  All the way Down.  Town.

Maybe some time in the future when I’m not so emotionally drained we can discuss it in depth.  Especially the part where the entire Lifetime production crew ran out of the room like someone had just pulled the fire alarm.  They know Holly don’t play.

But not now.

And probably not next week.

I need to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming episode.

Because this is totally happening…

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