Dance Moms: Don’t Make Me Jazz Hand You. It’s All My (Dance) Children Meets Peyton Place. No One Likes A Bully…Especially A Tall One.Wednesday, February 1st, 2012
Seriously? Again? I was in that freakin’ Lux music video for crying out loud.
Probation? My kid? Oh. Hell. No.
You hold her down, I’ll sit on her and then we stick her with the check.
We all know that probation is for criminals, not pretty people. Please.
Oh it’s ON alright. It’s on like Dancing Donkey Kong.
Well, say what you will, but no one can accuse those crazy Dance Moms of not having their diamond encrusted fingers on the pulse of our Nation.
No way, no ma’am.
This week they took on the hot topic of School Bullying, which is a serious subject on the minds of everyone from Anderson Cooper to Ellen DeGeneres to Barney the Dinosaur.
The only problem was that by the time the episode was over, I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to go hug a stranger on the playground, or bean someone in the head with a dodge ball.
For a show about putting a stop to bullying, there sure was a lot of bullying going on.
A lot. Hope you have your brown bag lunch and munchies, because this is gonna take awhile.
This time around Abby Lee Miller and her bus full of Tiny Dancers were headed to St. Louis to perform in the Hollywood Vibe Dance Competition.
Yeah, it sounds like a big gangstah hip hop rap kinda thing. I know. I’ll admit to momentarily getting excited thinking that we might finally get to see Cabbage Patch eyed Chloe spitting beats with Dr. Dre but alas, it was only little girls in tutus and glitter again.
Fresh off wiping the floor with the Candy Apple’s Dance Center team last week in NutWad, New Jersey or whatever that town was called (…it’s Jersey, does it really matter…?) Abby is looking to bring home another trophy. But every competition must begin with the now infamous Why You’ll Never Be Maddie Pyramid Of Shame and this one was a shockaaaahhh.
At the bottom was little Paige, who was stuck there basically just to shaft her Mom Kelly and make her eyes bug out.
As you’ll remember, Kelly had allowed Brooke to try out for cheerleading instead of going to NutWad, and since Big Sister blew off the competition Paige didn’t stand a chance of even making it to the B List second row.
Nia (Laquifa WHAT–?!?) and her mouthful of braces was also hanging on the bottom, alongside newbie Kendall, who still has to meet regularly with her Probation Officer before she can even think about getting one of those snazzy jazzy bedazzly sweat suits.
Mackenzie and the four teeth still in her head, along with Big Sister Maddie who has enough teeth for both of them, were in the middle.
Yeah. Maddie in the middle. She was put there to challenge her to strive for even greater greatness, so to speak, and this was only Mind Game #1 of Abby’s many mind games this week.
Chloe was at the top of the Don’t Look Now, But Maddie Is Nipping At Your A** Pyramid because she scored the highest overall in NutWad, and that’s just kinda how the rules go. But instead of being able to bask in her glory, Abby was quick to point out to Chloe that the higher you are, the farther you have to fall, and the more it hurts when you land on your face.
Now go have fun, honey. Scoot.
Mind Game #2, and we haven’t even seen who is covered up on the bottom row.
Abby had skipped one photo on the bottom row to build some suspense, and everyone foolishly assumed that it was that cheerleading traitor Brooke.
In a dramatic production second only to Who Shot JR? Abby tore off that final sheet to reveal Peyton!!!!!!
Peyton was the girl who was beat out by Kendall for the last spot on the dance team lineup at the start of this season. Remember her?
Well maybe you’ll remember her Mom Leslie, who went totally NutWad New Jersey on Abby when her kid was cut and kept waving her pudgy finger screaming “Find her a spot!” over and over as she tore out the doorway like one of those Monster Trucks spinning mud at the Civic Center.
Yeah. That Leslie. They even flashed back to the scene in black & white like when you first see the Witch in the Wizard of Oz and don’t know it yet.
Well, now you do.
Peyton and Mom barged in and it’s pandemonium for a second or two. I don’t think Leslie is physically capable of entering or exiting a room without some sort of chaos.
That’s kind of her thing. That, and probably Bingo Nights and Super Walmarts.
Almost immediately the hair on the back of Jill’s neck stood up as high as the Snooki bump on her head when she realized that now Kendall had even more competition to win that coveted last spot.
Not only does Peyton share an eerie resemblance to Christina Ricci when she played the creepy daughter in that Addams Family movie, she’s about as tall as Lurch, which did not go unnoticed by any of the Moms. It was like the Abby Lee Miller Dance Studio suddenly found itself built too close to a nuclear plant and one of the dancers drank the water straight from the tap. That girl is ginormous compared to the rest of the crew.
Poor little Mackenzie probably can’t even see Peyton’s face from way down there.
Before they all disband to practice the group number, Abby stuck it to Kelly one last time by pulling Paige from the (up until now) Untouchable Trio Dance. Mind Game #3. I’m surprised Abby didn’t flip her the bird on the way out just to seal the deal.
The group number was all about bullying in school. Art On The Stage. Edgy. And to push the envelope, as well as the limits of good taste and stereotypical role models, Abby decided that Nia should take the lead and play the bully.
That’s right. The little ethnic girl with the afro should beat up all the little white girls at school. And do it wearing a plaid Catholic School skirt and knotted belly shirt. And fishnets.
Do you see where this one might be headed?
I’m surprised Abby didn’t choreograph it to some bass thumping Chloe/Dr. Dre beats and give Nia three Baby Daddies as back up dancers. Four, if he wasn’t still in jail.
It didn’t take Holly long to nip that one in the bud. Abby just doesn’t get it sometimes. Holly shut that thing down.
You go, girl.
Abby quickly accused Holly of stealing the lead from her own daughter, never quite understood the whole stereotype thing, and then tossed a bone to Peyton. Having a point guard for the girls basketball team rough up kids is way more PC, so Nia was out…Peyton was in.
Adding crazy Leslie to the mix, when Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill is still a Freshmen in the group, made for some delightful dynamics in the viewing booth. Leslie is loud and proud and always talks like she’s yelling over the jukebox music, while Jill futzes with her bangs and rubs her forehead a lot. I’m not really sure if Leslie is giving Jill a headache, or if Jill is leveling out her Restylane, but either way it’s fun to watch.
Jill wants Leslie gone, which she makes crystal clear every time she does one of those one on one interview/testimonial/confessional shots. I have it on good, reliable authority that those clips are actually filmed in Liberace’s Closet when the Estate Lawyers are at lunch, but that’s neither here nor there so I’ll move on.
After Abby had made Chloe cry a few times and humiliated Paige by making her play MacBook Pro DJ for the Trio Dance that just booted her to the curb, Leslie arranged a get together with all the Moms to pick their brains, get all up in their grills, and snack with both hands.
She and Christi went head to head about why everyone stays at Abby’s if they hate her so much. She implied that Christi was a wimp for coming to Chloe’s rescue every time she cried. Leslie doesn’t mind watching her own daughter cry. It’s all for The Dance.
Trust me, Peyton probably cries herself to sleep every night if that’s her future. Every. Night.
Finally it’s Show Time.
Jill is a wreck, and hovered over Kendall like a boxing coach, whispering in her ear to do whatever it takes to bring down her opponent. No one is going to take this spot out from under Kendall, even if it costs Jill $20, which just happened to be the amount of the cash bribe she rubbed under Kendall’s nose like catnip. The only time Jill ever let go of Kendall’s body was to futz with her own bangs or adjust her shoulder pads.
I’ll cut her a little slack because I think Jill was probably disoriented, seeing as how she had finally lost her signature BumpIt and gone for the full blow out. Poor thing was probably just trying to get adjusted to her new ‘do.
The Trio Dance didn’t go off too smoothly, as Kendall pretended she was the Poor Man’s Paige, and Chloe was too far away from the other two girls as they dangled off the edge of the stage. Abby was quick to point out that Kendall blew her shot at that snazzy jazzy bedazzly piece of couture, and then got all Criss Angel Mind Freak on Chloe. She loves messing with that poor little nugget’s head. No wonder Chloe is so full of self doubts.
Luckily she is also full of spunk and junk, so she always seems to recover and give that half wink/half smile thing that she does so well. Sometimes I think that she might have residual eye lash glue still sticking on her lid, but it’s part of her charm. Team Chloe all the way.
Maddie and Chloe go head to head in the solo dance category. You can tell from the way Abby watches performances from the audience that she is a total mouth breather when she sleeps. I wish one of the Moms had the nerve to reach over and push her jaw shut, but I’m sure they’re afraid of losing a finger.
After putting redoinkulous pressure on Chloe to succeed, she does great but doesn’t even place in her category while Maddie zooms right past her and back to the top of the I Told You I Was Better Pyramid.
The group number was a nice mess, with Peyton lumbering around the stage pretending to bully the other girls. By the time she stuck the “Kick Me” sign too high on Maddie’s back I knew it was a lost cause. It was not so much a school bully by the lockers as much as it was Frankenstein by the swamp. The girl is too tall. End of story.
After it was all over, the only person who didn’t think it went that badly was Peyton herself, who started talking smack about the other girls and caused Abby to go a little Nutwad New Jersey as well. Teenage sassy is one thing, but punk a** attitude is another, and Abby was not a fan of anything coming out of Peyton’s mouth.
The whole thing collapsed into a screaming match between Abby and Leslie and anyone else who happened to be passing by the building, as Leslie tried to make excuses for her daughter and all the girls got frazzled and ran around in circles like hamsters in a cage that was too small.
Sorry St. Louis…not a good Vibe.
Word to yo’ (Dance) Mother.