DanThat'sCool!

 

 

Damn, girl. Mama likes some of that fine beef jerky that Ohio has been importing lately.

 

 

 

 

Whenever your boy getz the blues, I just put on my big giant hat and turn that frown upside down.

 

 

 

 

I got no problem sitting in this closet full of pink cupcake dresses and telling that Bitch to Man Up.

 

 

 

 

Don’t cry, little Buckeroo. It’s like that angry man in the tutu closet said: You’re Dad’s just being a pissy bitch.

 

 

 

 

OMG. I’m like totally going on a date with a boy who can do a split. Haters gonna hate tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

I would totally tap that. Or maybe just do a high kick and then throw some pie in her face. Whatev.

 

 

 

 

Lawd. I never seen so much cryin’ and so many damn cows in all my life.

 

 

 

 

Please.

Not right now.  I just can’t.

Don’t talk to me.  Don’t touch me.

I’m bloated.  I’m emotional.  I just need my Häagen-Dazs and a spatula.

And it wouldn’t hurt if your kid could actually make it through a baseline CrossFit gym workout without wetting himself.  Is that too much to ask?

That’s right.  Dance Moms is back.

Or Dance Dads.  Or whatever it’s called nowadays.

Mathematically deducting all the crying, screaming and emotional baggage unleashed by both the Moms and the quasi-Alpha Males, this week’s 2 hour Summer Premiere gave us all about 11 minutes of actual choreographed dancing between commercials.

But we all know that if you wanted to see Mackenzie do another backflip, you’d go to youtube.  You go to Dance Moms for the drama.

And this week was Boyz Nite Out, yo.

The new season of dance competition just kicked into gear.  It was still the same season of the show, but a new season to compete on that Road to Nationals that Glee made so famous.  In TV Land a month had passed.  In the Real World just a little more if I’m not mistaken.  Those two weeks of Reunion Shows in that sparkly Star Trek Discotheque got me a little off track, so bear with me.

Spring Break gave the girls time to ice their knees and catch up on their book reports, while some of the Moms used the time off to get their hair did.

Kelly was now rocking those chunky highlights that were so popular about ten years ago, while Jill continued her gradual transition into Sue Ellen Ewing by darkening that uncontrollable hair.  Holly got herself a new flat iron and was looking pretty slick and sleek (…Michelle Obama who?…) while Melissa put her hot rollers to good use.

Christi, on the other hand, didn’t really seem to know what to do with all that blonde ambition, so she just kinda waved the white flag and wore her hair up a lot this week.

Regardless, nothing gets done without the Pyramid of Shame, which was back after a few weeks on hiatus.

Bottom row was prime seating for Kendall, Nia and Mackadoodle.

Kendall had cried too much, Nia didn’t straighten her back leg even though she was yelled at 11 times (…not 12…they count these things, apparently…) and MackSplat hadn’t been able to keep up with bottle rocket Asia.  Same as always.  I’m thinking that I should just cut & paste this paragraph into the recap every week as a time saver.

Mezzanine level was all about Chloe, Asia and Paige.

Chloe had done a good job last time, but wasn’t Maddie.  So she was still numero dos.

Asia was actually MIA in Los Angles this week, doing whatever it is that squeaky Sophia had done a few months ago, I guess.  Which meant that Mama Krisitie was also MIA.  Which was so not cool.

No Kristie?  I momentarily contemplated actually opening up a book when I realized that JLo wouldn’t be throwing down this week.  Almost.

Paige was on the second row because she had stood up to Anthony Burrell and Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein when they started talking smack in the audience after her last performance.  Remember that?

That was when Kelly flipped a switch and went bazoinkers on them in the middle of the awards presentation, while that kid with the big Bozo shoes sat on stage behind her.

Seriously.  That still bothers me.  It totally distracted from the hormonal drama.  If they can pixelate Paris Hilton‘s hoooha every time she straddles out of a limo with no underpants, why couldn’t they have blurred out those gigantic feet?

Anyway.  Maddie was on top.  Because she’s Maddie.

This week they were headed to the street behind the studio and staying in Pittsburgh for the Masters of Dance Arts Competition.  Chloe and Maddie were going to bust out a duet, Paige was doing a solo and Brooke got moved up to the majors and was going to dance with the ALDC Senior Group.

The elite senior group meant taller girls, not so many Cartoon Network hair bows and a chance to dance with boys who were sporting peach fuzz and Peter Brady voices.

Brooke was psyched.  I guess.  She never really shows any emotion.  She did keep pawing at her ponytail like she was deep conditioning the ends, so I’m going to assume she was a little nervous.  But psyched.

Then it was off to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.  I live for that 1950′s drive-in movie music they play every time we head to Ohio.  And the cows.  I also live for all the cows.  I had no idea they were the official state animal.  Are they on the flag at the State House?  Does anybody know?

Since Cathy only has those same four boys on her team, the Apple TV Pyramid is a little anti-climactic.  Nick 2.0, Jalen and Gino were on the bottom.  Zack on the top.

The End.  Power down the plasma.

They were, of course, heading to Pittsburgh to get all up in Abby’s face and needed to get right down to rehearsing.

Nick had a Cirque du Soleil solo, Zack and Gino were doing a tribute dance to Anthony’s father who had just passed and the whole gang was sticking it to Lance Armstrong with a cycling steroid samba group dance.

It was right about here that everyone involved with the show seemed to suddenly go on the same cycle (…no Lance pun intended…) and everything just went total hot mess.

In Ohio, Anthony cried when he explained how much the duet meant to him.  He also felt that the boys were too wimpy and took them all to SWAT gym for a workout in a desperate attempt at CrossFit-ing the girly right out of them.

Jalen smoked the bootcamp course, but tiny Gino (…allegedly 24 hours out of ICU from bronchitis or a rash or something…) had trouble pushing 10 times his body weight across the astroturf and Dad Mickey went complete Helicopter Poppa on Anthony.

Which in turn got loose cannon Hockey Dad Rick wound up tighter than an Atlanta Housewife poppin’ off her acrylics.

Watching the two of them go at it like Kim and NeNe was TV Gold.  You wanna go outside?  Let’s go, Bitch.  Kristie Ray would have been so proud.

Rick screamed and did some jazz hands for visual emphasis.  Mickey yelled and screamed so much that he almost sweat through his white Welcome Back Kotter turtleneck and flatlined next to his son.  Gino just cried and looked in his book bag for an inhaler while Zack’s Mom Gina questioned all her life choices since high school.

Nick’s Mom Donna kinda looks like Angelica Houston, by the way.

Back in PA, Kelly was oddly unappreciative that Paige had been given a solo and Brooke had just received a promotion, and somehow found a bazillion reasons to complain and hate Abby and publicly declare that she hoped the entire senior number flopped.

Which was all Jill needed to get on her case.  And then Jill went to snitch on her to Abby down at that sloppy front desk.  And then Kelly caught Jill gossiping about her as she came downstairs to use the bathroom.  And then Melissa finally looked up from her iPhone and got on everybody’s case.  And then Holly tried to chill everyone out.

And then Jill’s furry boots.  What the hell?

Back in Ohio, Cathy cried as she realized her entire team was imploding and that a few Dads may have some questionable loyalty to Canton’s Finest.  Rick and Mickey hated each other and continually got all junior high up in each other’s grill any time they were in the same room.

And then…Stop The Presses!  Gino and Maddie.  Sitting in a tree.

Yup.  Somewhere in all this mess it came out that Gino had kissed Maddie on the cheek at one of the previous competitions.  And that…OMG…they were texting and possibly sharing government secrets concerning choreography and nuclear warheads.  Kids today.

Then Jill and Kelly went another round or two.  And then somehow Christi took over and she and Kelly went completely balls to the wall.  Screaming.  Crying.  I hate you.  I hate you more.  I hate you Infinity.

Since I didn’t have my spreadsheet prepared in time for this week’s episode, I kind of lost track as to when Christi actually went downstairs and talked shizzle right in Paige’s face.  But it wasn’t pretty when the whole thing was exposed.  Paige cried.  Maddie almost cried.  I swear, people kept crying and popping up behind that Mom Perch couch like it was a Punch & Judy puppet show.

Next thing you knew, Kelly AND Gino were looking for inhalers as they both hyperventilated themselves into near seizures.

There was a lot of crying.  Did I already mention that?

And as if your heart could take anymore, at some point during one of the senior group flash mobs, there was a quick glimpse of Original Recipe Nick Dobbs and Payton Ackerman…and the Twitterverse pretty much just exploded.  The internet crashed and at least 927 TweenyBoppers were air lifted to Pittsburgh hospitals clutching their cell phones, screaming that they wanted to have Nick’s baby.

I know, right?  He’s so dreamy.

Abby also set Brooke up on a date with Kevin Cosculluela, her partner from the senior group, and then the whole thing just got a little incestuous for my tastes.  You see, Kevin is Gino’s brother, so it was kind of like sleeping with the enemy, kinda sorta, except that they are only teenagers and that would be gross.

Luckily they only had a food fight, trashed a pastry shop and ended the date with Kevin throwing half-eaten cake into Kelly’s freshly detailed mini-van.

Dude.  You are so dying single.

To ensure that the whole thing just went complete Telenovela this week, Anthony’s duet rehearsal ended in everybody crying when two young boys couldn’t relate to the emotional angst of a grown a** man who doesn’t feel appreciated as a choreographer.

While we’re on the subject, Zack’s Mom could very well be one of the best soap opera cryers on television today.  Dab.  Dab.  Hold the tissue dramatically.

And seriously.  For all the hats that Anthony owns, you’d think he could find one that fit.

Finally, it was Showtime!  They just forgot to tell the audience, because the place was pretty empty.

Everyone’s dances went well.  The ALDC duet was off the hook.  The CADC duet was pretty emotional, even though one of the boys appeared to be wearing Pee Wee Herman‘s old bow tie.

Naturally, Abby tossed out a little snark regarding the Candy Apples duet, which on VH1 would mean that she  just disrespected Anthony’s Momma’s Baby Daddy.  So it was on.

Nick’s solo somehow magically turned into Johnny Weir in a bird cage and got a big round of applause from Angelica Houston.

Back out in the hallway, Christi and Jill pretty much lunged at Cathy as she walked through with bicycle wheels and testosterone boosters.  More screaming.  More crying.

For some reason, Cathy felt that the other Candy Apple parents should have gotten into a pig pile rumble with the ALDC Moms right there by the lockers to prove that they had her back.  But they didn’t.

So…more crying.

The ALDC senior group rocked the house.  I will say that since I can’t even bend over to tie my own shoes in my new skinny Levi’s, I was pretty impressed with Kevin ‘s flexibility in those pants.  Relax.  Nothing pervy.  Just saying I may have to pick up a pair for the klub this weekend.

Then some kids won some stuff.  Google it.

Backstage, there was more crying in every camp.

Anthony lost his noodle a few times.  Cathy smelled at least one Mole in her army as Mickey snuck off to the ALDC room to break up Jill and Kelly’s screaming match and to ask Abby if she wanted Gino on her team.

Emotionally drained (…Spoiler Alert:  Candy Apples didn’t do so well this time…) Cathy disappeared down the hallway next to a room where they clearly teach Español Sign Making, and then it was over.

Two hours of crying.  Literally.

I’m physically and emotionally drained.

Where’s my Häagen-Dazs?

I don’t even need a spoon.

 

 

This is the deal. Next time we either get the couches back, or Mama’s bringing her padded Steelers bleacher cushion.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. If this blonde chick says ‘Motor Boat’ one more time…it’s on.

 

 

 

 

 

I was promised that Paige’s number would be cut and replaced with my Gangnam Style.

 

 

 

 

 

 I hate my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s see who’s crying after I slap a bitch. Let’s go!

 

 

 

 

 

So, should I wake her up or just keep going until the next commercial break?

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. I didn’t bust out a new hair bow just to find out there’s no ice cream.

 

 

 

Second verse…same as the first.

Except maybe crazier.

It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion this week, packed with even more of what we’ve come to love.

More competition, more yelling, more accusations…and more Moms.

The Original Recipe Moms.  The Hot New Mom.  The Former Mom.

Even one unsuspecting senior citizen Mom from Ohio in a complete fog, minding her own business in the audience, who somehow got caught in Abby Lee Miller‘s crossfire.

It was literally a Momapalooza.

Taking a nod from the Real Housewives franchise, my boy Jeff Collins had everyone stick around for a second week of talking smack in their fancy clothes, which pretty much always guarantees high drama as the day wears on and the stiletto feet start to hurt.

You know they always save the good stuff for the last show.

So everyone was back for more, just like on Bravo TV.  Except that when the cameras go back to Andy Cohen in some glittery Las Vegas hotel for Round Two, all the Housewives are still sitting there on the couches, uncomfortably glaring at each other or licking their front teeth like pageant girls.

For some reason on Dance Moms though, they felt the need to scoot everyone backstage and reintroduce them to the same audience again.  Like we’d never seen them before.  Granted, the whole process probably only took 45 seconds total, but that’s 45 seconds that someone could have been throwing shade.

Time is money, people.  And I bought snacks specifically for this evening.

Abby was first out on stage, just like last week, accompanied by a quick montage of some of this season’s New Mama Drama starring Kristie with a K and Jackie Lucia.

Oh, Kristie.  I may have mentioned once or twice over the last few weeks how much I love me some Kristie.

Seriously.  Love.

Every time the cashier at my grocery store holds up the line by checking her text messages under the counter I always wonder how Mama JLo would handle the situation.  Then my eyes get real big, I reach over the credit card scanner, hand her my coupons and slap the bitch into yesterday.

Let’s go!  Get off your phone.  Ring up my bag of Ruffles BBQ.  And then let’s go.

Jeff asked Abby to compare the New Moms to the Original Recipe Moms, and we got an ear full.  New Moms: Respectful.  Old Moms: Not so much.

Keeping with the same theme, he moved on to Sophia vs. Maddie and Asia vs. Mackenzie.

If you watch the show, you didn’t really need Abby to break down the differences between all the kids.  You could probably figure that one out by yourself.

One point Abby did make was that tiny SassyPants Asia probably didn’t know who Bob Fosse was, which apparently must come up in playground discussions a lot more than it did when I was in second grade.

If you’re 7 years old and can do the whole Single Ladies dance better than Beyoncé, who really cares who Bob Fosse is?  That’s what Google is for, mmmkay?

Then some random Soccer Mom in the audience inappropriately asked Abby if the Original Recipe Moms were jealous of Kristie’s awesome sauce hotness and the whole thing kind of collapsed into a discussion about skinny waistlines and boobs that could make a grown man cry.

Which was Kristie’s cue to come out on stage.

By the way, from now on I have decided to enter every room the same way Kristie does.

Like a hot a** Diva Bitch.

Arms opened wide.  Hugs.  Air kisses.  I have arrived.

I’ll pass on the Chair Guy bumbling behind me again, as well as the full length white gown.  Don’t get me wrong.  Looked faboo on her.  I just don’t have the height.

And now that you mention it, she did kind of look like Cher doing an opening number from the old Sonny & Cher Show, with that whole long hair and gown thing going on.

But she also kind of looked like a runaway bride from some Telemundo telenovela.  So I wasn’t really sure if she was going to sing Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves or throw a champagne glass against the wall and slap a housekeeper.

Love.  Her.

And then it was all about the crying scandal that rocked the ALDC:  Asiagate.

Again.

Did she cry?  When did she cry?  Did Mom try to hide her in the bathroom?  Why is a 7 year old acting like such a…I don’t know…a 7 year old?

Get Jill out here.  And Christi.  And a video montage of Kendall crying.  And then make Kendall do a solo dance in front of everyone right after the video.

Yeah…that happened.

After a few audience members blacked out from epileptic seizures (…seriously…did you see those strobe lights during Kendall’s solo?  A little warning would have been nice…) it was nothing but tears.

Side note.  During Kendall’s solo I finally figured out what that odd Mardi Gras studio reminds me of with all its beads and Senior Play lighting.

Star Trek.  Or Lost in Space.  Or any of those old, low budget sci-fi shows before there were CGI effects.  I swear Kendall was dancing in the same room where Captain Kirk kissed a Vulcan princess while he was trippin’ on space juice.

Tell me I’m not wrong.

After the solo, it was probably a good 90 minutes of arguing about whether or not Asia was born with working tear ducts, why Kendall cried every week regardless of whether she was yelled at or not, why Jill cared so much about Asia’s emotional state, why we were all still having this discussion in the first place and why they’re not all saving those tears for their pillows anyway, like it says in the damn contract.

Abby interjected something about how only kids with no food should be allowed to cry and then Jill said Asia was a Hot Mess in every group number.

Secretly, even though I totally heart Jill, I wanted JLo to pound a Bump-It back into her skull just for good TV.  But violence isn’t the answer, kids.

Or at least not when you’re wearing couture.

Before it went completely Christi on Kristie, we were treated to a video montage of squeaky little Sophia’s short Dance Moms tenure.  And then her solo, entitled SuperStar.

Which they had to spell out in the lyrics, since apparently the show should also be a learning experience given the fact that kids are at home watching TV instead of doing their homework on a Tuesday night.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how many times the songs spell out their own titles until later in the show when Mackadoodle performed her own dance and they had to sound out the word ‘Lemonade’ for me.

Go back and check your DVR this season.  It’s true.  The More You Know.

Melissa and Jackie Lucia joined the crowd after sending JLo back to the Green Room (…Boo…!) where they gave Jeff a lesson in the difference between Spins and Turns.

Yes.  It’s true that Sophia can reverse the clock and go back in time like Superman did just by spinning herself into thin air.  Which is a pretty big deal if you ask me.  But Mom didn’t want her to be remembered as simply the dancing Tasmanian Devil.  And she certainly didn’t want Sophia remembered for being part of the Fight Club known as the ALDC.  They are both way too soft spoken for any of that dramz.

So as you’ll recall, Jackie had pulled Sophia out of Pittsburgh before they had even finished unpacking, and that had resulted in some long term tension between the Moms.

Given that Jackie didn’t want to be around all the negativity, and that realistically it would have been almost impossible to take either of them seriously during an argument when they both sound like characters from a Disney holiday cartoon, it was best for everyone that they just move on and check Pittsburgh off their Bucket List.

Thanks for playing.  Love your hair.

One more side note.  Abby shouldn’t sit on those high chairs with one foot on her stool and one foot on Melissa’s.  She just shouldn’t.  Unless she’s giving a motivational speech to a football team going into the last quarter of the Super Bowl, of course.

Otherwise, just don’t do that again, please.

Eventually, Abby headed out back and Kelly and Holly joined the girls on stage .  The Old and the New.  And the Uncomfortable.

Holly felt that it was insulting for Jackie to diss the ALDC.  Jackie asked why they even stay at the studio if it’s nothing but throw downs and breakdowns.  Christi wanted to know where Jackie and JLo were three years ago and Kelly wanted to go on record as saying she did NOT show the Lucias the front door.

Jill phutzed with her 47 bracelets a lot.  Ssssh.  Stop that.

Finally, the newbies were sent to the Green Room to babysit Vivi-Anne as all the originals filled the stage.

Even Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

Let the games begin, please.

When questioned, Cathy stated that she would maybe, possibly, potentially, might consider taking Chloe on as a student at the Candy Apples Dance Center.

Maybe.  Not an offer.  Just saying.

She would also only choose Holly or Melissa to watch her kid during a national emergency, since the rest of them are all unreliable loose cannons.  Which I guess implied that JLo and Jackie were out back poking Vivi-Anne with a stick or something.

Another Soccer Mom asked Cathy which Downton Abbey characters remind her of herself and Abby, since apparently Cathy must tweet about the show.

I’ve never actually seen the program, so I have to assume it must conflict with some Reality trash on my viewing schedule.  But Cathy compared Abby to some car on the show, and since the only two TV cars I know are the talking one from Knight Rider and Herbie the Love Bug (…back before Lindsay Lohan got all coked up…) I had no idea what was going on.

Luckily Abby came to my rescue by changing the subject and calling Cathy’s Mom her “Poor Pathetic Mother.”

Oh, snap.  Did you just diss my Mom?

Shut up.  And Mom was right there in the audience.  Girlfriend perked up like they had just called her number at Bingo.

They even gave Vivi-Anne’s Grandma some Honey Boo Boo subtitles as she called Abby a disgrace and pointed in the air like she was picking out deli meat.

Best part?  The little girl next to her was all like totally OMG I love this show.  Her little friends are gonna be totz jealz tomorrow.  Totz.

And then it was nothing but screaming, yelling and accusations that Abby now suffered from PTSD as a result of being beaten by Cathy’s handbag.

She struck me.  Dramatic pause.

Kelly had time to sneak in a few more zingers regarding Anthony Burrell calling out Paige‘s floppy legs in front of an entire auditorium at the last competition and how hurtful it had been.  Regardless of whether Abby had set up her daughter in front of the crowd, or if Anthony was just being Tony the Tool, the whole scene horrified Paige to the point where she had refused to perform her solo during the Reunion Show.

Abby was quick to point out that you don’t getter better sitting on your butt, and then Kelly got a little twisted.

By the time Abby told Cathy that her pathetic mother was nothing to her, and that Cathy was nothing to her, and that Cathy is something that should be shoved dow the toilet with a plunger, Jeff was pretty much breaking out in some serious lip sweat and nervous pee.

And then he did what I do whenever I’m in a tense situation and can’t figure out what to do next:  I panic.

Hey, everyone!  Let’s dance!

And the Award for Most Awkward Transition of 2013 goes to Mr. Jeff Collins.  Come on up and get your trophy, dude.

With two minutes to go, all the kids ran out and performed the famous Rosa Parks group number in a last ditch attempt at breaking the tension.

And maybe it worked for some viewers.  For me, it just made me wonder why they hadn’t been using elastic chin straps all along.

I know, right?

Hats were flinging off and flying off and falling off at every performance this year, and now that we’re done with the season you decide to invest in rubber bands?

Somebody needs a JLo slap.

And then it was over.

But only for a few weeks.  And then they’re back.

So we’ll see you then for more hilarity.

And Grandma…what do you think of my Dance Moms recaps?

 

 

Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Watch your tongue! Watch your tongue! Watch your tongue!

 

 

 

 

ME save it? How about YOU save it, sistah? And where’d you get that new lip gloss? It’s fabulous.

 

 

 

 

 

This s*** just got real. Back it up, JLo.

 

 

 

 

 

That crazy Candy Apple lady don’t wanna get all up in my face when your boy’s wearing his new Back To School sweater. Hellz No.

 

 

 

 

Dang, boy. I could eat you up like ice cream. Literally. Because I haven’t had any yet today.

 

 

 

You need to dial it down, Honey. I spent all season figuring out this hairstyle and I am not in the mood for you today.

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever, Bitch. I’m still the hot one.

 

 

 

 

Oh, yeah.

It’s on.

And you know the rules.

Scream.  Cry.  Rinse & Repeat.

And you better save those tears for your pillow.  Or the studio.  Or the subway.  Or that cheesecake place on the corner of Broadway and 45th.

Because it’s on.

Dance Moms took on…and nearly took down…all of Manhattan this week in preparation for the Masters of Dance Competition.

The Great White Way turned into the Great Fight Way as Abby Lee Miller and her Momtourage continued their New York City takeover with throw downs both on and off the stage, in a super-sized Season Finale that once again brought them face to screaming face with their arch enemies the Candy Apples.

Fix your feet…and run for cover, people.

Now that Abby’s co-hosting gig on The View was behind them, it was time to focus on the competition.  Time is money.

The girls had lost a good chunk of rehearsal time last week dusting off The Last Text choreography for Whoopi Goldberg and watching Asia and Mackenzie take turns being catapulted through an imaginary passenger side window.  Valuable rehearsal time that could have been put to better use, since everyone in the building already knew that MackaWhack would get the job in the end.

Two backflips, and then just lay there until you hear applause or bleed out.  Got it?

As a result, everyone needed to pick up the pace a little, because there were only a few days left before the competition.  At least there was no Pyramid of Shame to drag things down this week.

That’s right.  A Pyramid-Free episode.  You’re welcome.

Last week as you’ll recall, Chloe, Maddie, Kendall and Asia had all scored solos for the upcoming competition.  Now it was Go Time.

Knowing that Abby would be working on the individual dances first, Kelly asked if she could scoot Brooke out of the building for a quick meeting with a music producer.

(Momager Kelly, reporting for duty.)

Somehow Mom had managed to secure face time with a busy producer who was willing to cancel his meetings, have his secretary hold all his calls and drop everything to speak to yet another random girl with a youtube account.

Excuse me?  I couldn’t even get an appointment with the Personal Shopper at Bloomingdale’s the last time I was in New York, but somehow Kelly gets a music producer?  Seems fair.

Since Abby didn’t even realize that Brooke was in the room, she had no problem giving them permission to go pursue their dreams of music stardom, before casually mentioning that she thought the whole thing was a joke.

Ok.  Maybe I watch too much MTV, but most music producers I know are either named Storm or DJ Deathstroke or Li’l Sumthin Sumthin.  Not Wally.

But there he was.  And his name was Wally.  And Wally knew a Pussycat Doll.

I know, right?

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition has been over for months, and yet Robin Antin is still pimpin’ out her girls from the grave.

Melody Thornton was there.  And I’ll say it for you:  Melody who…?

You remember her.  She’s the one who’s best known for somehow not only surviving all those years in Nicole Scherzinger‘s shadow, but also for wearing that see-through lace hoochie dress at the 2012 ELLE Women In Music event.

Seriously.  You could totally see her PCDs.

Google it.  But not when you’re at work or when the kids are still up.

So not only were we asked to believe that Melody forgot her bra in the limo last year, but now the story is that she also has Brooke’s Summer Love song on her iPod.

And she knows all the words.  Shut.  Up.

So they sang together in the studio and Wally got all giggly.  He clearly remembered the dress.  And that was pretty much how that scene went down.

Back at the studio, Asia was practicing her solo.  As Mom Kristie with a K sat and observed and did that head tilt/eye squint thing she always does during rehearsals, the rest of the Moms gathered in the viewing room next door and talked smack about the Ray Family.  With Kristie right there on the other side of the glass.

Umm.  They know it’s not the same sound-proof divider that you see on CSI when you’re picking out a rapist from a lineup, right?

Newsflash:  Those ears aren’t just for dangling big a** hoops.  JLo heard everything they said.  Especially Christi with a C.

You just wait.  They wish that glass was bullet-proof.   Love me some JLo.

By the time she joined the rest of the Moms to watch the group rehearsal, it was starting to get good.

For weeks they have all been arguing back and forth about whether Asia ever cried, and why she cried, and when she cried and why grown women creepily even care.

She’s 7 years old, fercryinoutloud.  I still cry at E.T.  Don’t even get me started about when the flowers die in the clay pot, or I’ll need a hug.

Down the subway line a few stops, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples boy band dancers were rehearsing and breaking in their new token girl dancer.

Last week, ballet-trained Victoria Miller had been chosen through an odd audition process to join Zack, Brandon, Jalen and Nick #2 for the Day of The Dead group routine.  And Anthony Burrell was in the hizzle, kickin’ the moves into high gear, when either Zack or his Mom Gina got a text from Brooke.

Because that’s what kids that age do, instead of homework or getting fresh air.

They text.

It was a little unclear whose iPhone was dinging, but the point of the text was to let all the boys know that all the ALDC girls were headed to Bryant Park for some ice skating.

Because that’s what girls that age do, instead of homework or chores.

They stalk boys.

Despite a clause in the ALDC contract that forbids ice skating (…for realz?…) and since they couldn’t find a skydiving plane on such short notice, the gang all headed to the Pond at Bryant Park to twist some ankles and get stupid around boys.

Except for Asia, who was forbidden to skate this close to a competition.  JLo was apparently the only Mom who had actually read the contract before signing it.  Fierce chicks pay attention to the deetz, mmmkay?

By the time Chaos Cathy and her posse finally arrived on the scene I couldn’t really figure out if stuffed-up Vivi-Anne was skating or not, because she falls down so much on a daily basis that it’s hard to really tell what’s going on with that kid.

Lifetime TV:  Do NOT make me ask for a Vivi-Anne sitcom again.  Just make it happen.

The next day when Abby found out about the ice skating getaway, she was not a happy camper.  And neither were the girls who had to do 100 pushups as punishment.  Except for Asia, who had sat out her time at the rink and got to rehearse while everyone else was face down on the hardwood.

And then it was time for some Christi vs. Kristie.

The whole thing just kind of erupted when Christi wouldn’t look JLo in the eyes when she was talking to her.  And Mama don’t like dat.  R-E-S-P-E-C-T me.

It was clear as soon as the throw down kicked in that both Moms had spent some quality time studying arguments between thick girls on VH1, because they both knew how to repeat the same thing over and over and over again (…a minimum of three repetitions per phrase…) and point fingers and talk to the hand and stand up and sit down and stand back up again.

“Popping Off” is the technical term.

Look me in the eye when you’re talking!  I’m looking you in the eye, Bitch!  You wanna do this?  Let’s Go!  What’re you gonna do?  Hit me?  Save it.  You save it.  No, you save it.  You save it, Infinity and Beyond, Bitch.

Oh, yeah.  It was on.

Then just as suddenly, it was over and Paige and Chloe were at crazy Cesar Rocha‘s Telsey and Company office to read a script.  Because they both want to be dancing, modeling actresses when they grow up.

Honestly, Cesar’s hair was so amazeballs that I don’t remember much about the scene.

Except that the script was something about a dad who lost his job and couldn’t bury his wife and the kid was ok with not getting a pony for her birthday.  Or something.

That hair.  Amaze.  Balls.  And that group hug at the end?  Breathtakingly awkward.

Of course, at some point the Moms found time to go have a cocktail or ten.  Nothing like loud tourists in a bar, I always say.  Thanks, Christi and Kelly, for at least not pulling out a Nikon camera and Big Apple Tour Bus schedule in front of the bartender.

Shotskis!

Not to be outdone, Chaos Cathy and Anthony had their own throw down during rehearsal when Cathy kept interrupting and trying to run the show, though it wasn’t nearly as perfect as JLo losing her nutty.

Think Soccer Mom takes a wrong turn in the SUV and ends up in the ‘hood arguing with a guy because she thinks “Big Booty Twerking” on a tee shirt is offensive.

It was like that.

Anthony flips.  Cathy cries.  Jalen stands on his head.  Jalen’s Dad Rick flips.  Jalen cries.  Anthony thinks about cuttin’ a bitch because Cathy is bat s*** cray cray.

Then we head back to Abby’s crew, and now Kendall is crying.  Is there a Full Moon or something?

Figuring we needed a break from all the dramz, we got a three minute Match.com commercial.  The Disney Channel version, anyway.

Vivi-Anne and Jalen somehow found themselves alone in a back hallway on their first date, talking about Life and Dance and Cooties and finding money on the ground.  Watching Vivi-Anne try to breath through her mouth while Jalen dorked out in front of a girl for the first time had to been seen to be believed.  Spinning on your head is clearly a lot easier than trying to understand wtf Cathy’s kid is trying to say.

Honestly, when Vivi-Anne bent over to demonstrate how she had found something shiny on the floor during one of Anthony’s meltdowns, I really didn’t think she was coming back up.  Extra points for not blacking out with such low blood sugar.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Chaos Cathy was intitally MIA, because Vivi-Anne had woken up even more congested than she usually does on the weekends.  Except someone screwed it up with bad editing that showed her in the audience before she actually made her fashionably late entrance.

They’re just lucky I was still distracted by Cesar and all that non-stop crying, because bad editing makes me go completely JLo.

The pre-game show and the actual competition were just a blur.

Victoria and her Mom chewed the biggest wads of gum I think I’ve ever seen since 4th grade recess.  Abby called Rick an a** and then Melissa threatened to kick him in the f***ing n**** if he had any down there.  The kids all went stress bag and Kristie flapped earrings around like it was her day job.

And that was in the hallway before the show even started.

The solos went fine.  It was during the ALDC group routine that it started to unravel.

Chaos Cathy and Anthony sat behind Abby and talked smack about Paige’s performance.  And Abby couldn’t let that one go.

You’d think with all the money that the Masters of Dance Arts saved on stage presentation that they could have had a few people on security detail, but apparently not.

Abby convinced Paige to confront Anthony right there in the audience.  In front of everybody.  And then it all went South.

Scream.  Cry.  Rinse & Repeat.

Paige left the stage humiliated.  Kelly ran to find her, only after laying into the entire row of seats behind her.  It was a pretty good meltdown, but I got distracted by the kid on stage behind Kelly who was wearing those gigantic patriotic clown shoes.  Please tell me someone else noticed.

Then Abby jumped on top of the pig pile.

And the audience goes wild.

Applause.  iPhone photos.  Madness.

Some kids even won some stuff, I think.  But there’s no room left for that.

The season finished off with Kelly doing some seriously ugly crying.

There’s crying.  There’s ugly crying.  And then there’s Kelly ugly crying.

Not pretty.  But it’s the season finale.  And every season finale has to end with Kelly deciding that “she’s had it.”  It’s in that same ALDC contract if I’m not mistaken.

Oh.  And Abby’s looking at property in Los Angeles.  And might leave Pittsburgh forever.

Yeah.  That happened.

It was on.  But now it’s over.

And if you feel like shedding a tear…JLo says save it.

The End.