DanThat'sCool!

 

 

Bad Girls, Bad Girls. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Britney Spears comes for you?

 

 

 

 

And the award for “Best Whacky Gay Sidekick With No Name Helping Carry In A Butt Kissing Bench” goes to…

 

 

 

 

It’s The Dance Moms Drinking Game! Take a shot every time someone yells. Or swears. Or cries. Bonus shot ski  if they yell and swear and cry all at once.

 

 

 

 

I’m taking the first kid I grab and hitting the road. This hair is way too big for a studio this small. Peace out, bitches.

 

 

 

 

All the Single Ladies. If you like it then you better put some Pork on it.

 

 

 

 

O. M. G.

D. M. O.

S. O. S.

It was Dance Moms Overload this week…somebody help me.  You might need a snack to get through this one.

Abby Lee Miller is back.

That’s right.  Before we even had time to rinse the Toddlers & Tiaras taste out of our mouths, all the Crazy Dancing and Dancing Crazies just came screaming back onto our plasmas, bringing with them two distinct options.

Rejoice.  Or Run.

Remembering everything that had gone down so far this season, your first choice should probably have been to run, but I know how comfortable that couch is after a long day.

Short Term Memory issues?  No worries.

The opening act was a full hour of Abby’s Most OMG Moments.  Comfortably perched in that Liberace Glitter Closet where she can oversee All Things Dance, Abby flashed back through the Top 20 jaw dropping, forehead slapping, OhNoTheyDin’t moments so far.

Like the day after Thanksgiving, Abby’s hit list of OMGs gave us all the best parts of the bird reheated and shoved back down our throats one more time, whether we were hungry or not.

You’re gonna eat it.  And you’re gonna like it.

#20.  Put On Your Game Faces, And Maybe Fix Your Hair In A Room With A Mirror.  

Making their entrance into one of the many competitions this season, Abby and her little dancers were about to come face to face with crazy villainess Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the Candy Apples Contingent.

After letting her team sprawl all around the lobby doing the most technically unsafe, neck bending sit-ups ever seen in the world of fitness, Cathy huddled in the corner with all her Apples like meerkats do when they’re about to get eaten by a hawk.  As Abby approached with her dancers, in that windblown flash mob way they always enter a room, Cathy whispered Don’tLookAtThemDon’tLookAtThem over and over like some kind of religious cult mantra.

Both troupes repeatedly hummed GameFacesGameFaces until Abby broke the tension and waved a quick “Hollah” at the Apples.  That was nice, right?

The single pink roller still stuck in her hair was also nice touch.  And it didn’t go unnoticed by Cathy or my favorite bad a** red haired Mom, as they both laughed like they had just backed over the neighbors’ annoyingly bratty kid with their SUV.

You know that red haired Mom totally tweeted about the curler as soon as Abby pulled it out of her ‘do.  With a big LOL at the end.

#19.  Oops…Peyton Did It Again.  Hot For Teacher.

It was the Naughty School Girl Number, and Abby had slutted  the girls up like mini-Britney Spears video vixens.  Trying to channel Catholic school girls gone bad, Abby knotted up their white shirts and tore their fishnets to artfully imply that 7 foot tall bully Peyton had roughed them up on the playground.

Peyton’s Mom Leslie, who is clearly Pennsylvania’s authority on bullying, took some offense to the outfits and the fact that her Amazon kid was the one chosen to be the bad seed.

That sound you just heard was the apple not falling far from the tree.

#18.  The Gift(s) That Keep On Giving. 

In her never ending attempts at scoring Kendall top billing on every gymnasium marquee in America, Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill has invested a good chunk of change this season on bribery gifts.

Whether it’s one of those mark-down cologne sets they sell at TJMaxx on Black Friday or secret massages in the storage closet, Jill showered Abby with more gifts this season than the rest of us receive on our birthdays and Christmas combined.

The one that took the cake was her front lobby bench, complete with an engraved Things Remembered plaque, emblazoned with “To Abby With Love. Now Go Break Maddie’s Knees And Put My Kid On Stage” or some such gibberish.

The gift itself was over the top, but it was nothing compared to whoever that dude was who helped Jill yank the bench out of the van.

I’m not too proud to say I’m officially obsessed with finding out how she scored herself a whacky gay sidekick/assistant on such short notice.

Wrapped up in his Dance Moms: Miami scarf, the guy shlepped the bench into the entryway and then clutched the previously positioned, yet suddenly displaced, trophy like he was Susan Lucci.

I applaud your win, Sir.  No one deserved it more.

#17.  Don’t Make Holly Smack You With Her Doctorate.

This one was Mom Holly butting heads with Abby.

Holly had a job and couldn’t always be at the studio.  Abby wanted Nia to single handedly take on every ethnic dance ever choreographed, and do it dressed like a National Geographic Special every week.

We can skim right past this one, since it will happen again next week.

#16.  Kelly Interrupts A Rehearsal And Swears And Threatens To Quit.

Ditto.  Next week?  Same scene.  Different outfit.

#15.  It’s An Audition For The Joffrey Ballet.  Shut Your Pizza Hole, Woman.

Stick all the Moms, and all the Candy Apples, into one crammed hallway.  Add some pizza slices and poor pointe shoe technique, and you have all the makings for a great bitch fest that was guaranteed to distract both Mr. Joffrey and most likely any cab drivers down on the street level.

As Team Abby worked on their ballet stuff in the audition room, Cathy and Kelly got into it outside the door when Cathy casually observed that Brooke’s feet looked eerily similar to Danny DeVito’s in the second Batman movie.

With that bad a** red haired Mom right in the middle of things again (…she has Fight Club radar, I swear…) one by one all the Moms pig piled on Cathy, like a nursery full of babies all waking up at the same time.

I have no idea how Mr. Joffrey contained himself enough to not slap the spaz right out of Cathy.  I also have no idea how she found pizza upstairs at the Joffrey.  According to the CW Network, ballet dancers don’t even eat.

Go figure.

#14.  Cathy Goes For The Nose.

It was Cathy vs. Christi.

I love when they throw down.  It’s Krystal and Alexis without the hair pulling.

At least so far.  We can only hope.

#13.  Kelly Swears Again.  But This Time It’s The “W” Word.

Blah Blah Blah.  Kelly and Abby went at it again as a random Mom scooted everyone out the door.

But this time Kelly called Abby a whore!

Yeah.  For realz.  And then Kelly took a drink out of her styrofoam cup, which was totally like she was toasting herself for saying it.

I still haven’t figured out Kelly’s hair, and it’s been almost two years. But I love her crazy face when she loses it.

#12.  Taking Out The White Trash.

Another screaming match at the studio.

When all the Moms took their kids and their Vera Bradley bags and stormed out the front door, Abby called them White Trash.

Hello, Pot.  Meet Kettle.

 #11.  Maybe If You Scream “Role Model” A Little Louder She’ll Hear You.

Another screaming match.  By now I was losing track.

Someone screamed something about being a role model, which I found quite ironic.

#10.  A Little Whine And Cheese Before We Kick You Out?

All the Moms got together out in the Real World, which was a great opportunity to have some snacks at a Mom home and snoop in the medicine cabinet while everyone else was downstairs in the kitchen.

After a few cocktails and half a Hickory Farms cheese log, the conversation got around to Abby’s favoritism and the special attention that Melissa’s two daughters receive at the studio.

Though not as sloppy as The Jersey Shore, you know what happens when you try to have a conversation after chugging down a wine box.

Melissa stormed out, quickly followed by Jill.

I’ll give the Moms all props.  How they drink and eat and scream all at the same time without biting the inside of their mouths or the tip of their tongues is an art form.  I can’t even answer my cell with a mouthful.

I bow to them.

#9.  And Just Like That…Poof!  Jill And Her Poof Are Gone.

Even with all the cologne and furniture, Kendall ended back on probation and Jill blew a nutty.  As Abby spewed a veritable grocery list of Kendall’s flaws, both Jill and her Pittsburgh Poof got more tightly wound until they both finally popped.

Snatching her kid like she was hoisting her Louis bag off the conveyor belt at JFK Airport, Jill vowed to leave and take Kendall to a studio who could appreciate her talents.

There was crying, and big hair and over accessorizing…everything that we’ve grown to love about Jill.

She set the GPS for Ohio and you know how that story ends.

#8.  Leslie’s Golden Rules Of Parenting.

Take the criticism and shut up.  If you don’t like it, go somewhere else.  I said shut up.

The End.

#7.  Is That Jerky In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Tommy’s Jerky Emporium Palooza Warehouse, or whatever it was called, needed to get more business.  Run by Cathy’s husband Mike (…whose Broadway stage name is Canton’s Jerky King…) both the business and Mike himself appear to be dead weight awkwardly stuck to Cathy’s side.

Times are tough, and Cathy figured a commercial would bring in more customers and put more money in the cash registers.

Filling the freezer with sellable jerky and preventing Mike from eating half the profits would also benefit the business, but maybe that’s just my observation.

Figuring she could kill two birds with one stone, Cathy somehow coerced Christi into allowing smiley little Chloe to appear in the commercial.  As Mike chewed off another percent or two of company profit, Chloe was forced to dance in the now infamous Meat Unitard.

Looking like a Jennifer Lopez lint roller that was dragged through a deli counter, poor Chloe survived with her dignity intact, though she did lose a slice of pepperoni or two in the back I noticed.

#6.  More Drama At Peyton Place.

After finishing up the Naughty School Girl number, everything fell apart in the back room.  Even though Peyton had incorrectly taped the “Kick Me” sign on a Good Girl’s back, she still felt that she had done better than most of the other dancers.

Snotty attitude, much?  Let’s just say that Abby Lee Miller don’t play dat.

#5.  Melissa’s Matrimonial Meltdown.

Since I don’t get why Melissa is so freaked out about the other Moms discussing her upcoming nuptials, I leave this one to the lawyers.

You would think that finally legalizing your relationship with the Mystery Man who has been cutting dance checks in exchange for booty calls would make everything less covert, but that’s just me.  Since her beau and Judge Judy are both on speed dial, we’ll move right along.

#4.  Brooke Shakes Her Pom Poms Somewhere Else.

Another Kelly vs. Abby kind of thing.  This time because Brooke wanted to try out for Cheerleading, which in my day required that you smile once in awhile.

She’s back.

#3.  Cathy Goes For The Nose, Again.  This Time Under The Sparkling Disco Ball.

Krystal and Alexis got a little closer to some hair pulling in this round.  Between witty repartee surrounding Christi’s metallic ensemble and some Goodwill donations, I almost missed the crazy old lady from Candy Apples taking it all in like she was at the best Bingo Night evah.  She was so captivated I think she missed the Early Bird Special.

Someday I hope to be trapped in an elevator with Bingo Lady and Jill’s whacky gay sidekick and marvel at them both until my head explodes.

#2.  Git Along, Little Jill Doggie.

Second only to the infamous Meat Unitard is Jill’s out of character cowboy hat.

Apparently thinking that the straw iParty hat would allow her to more easily blend in with the locals, Jill was looking like that person we all worked with who always dressed up for Theme Day.

When Abby refused to allow Kendall to wear the $500 costume that Jill was trying to sneak in under the radar (…and call it home made, natch…) our little cowgirl got her saloon pantaloons all in a bunch, threw a shoe and then headed out of Dodge.

Again.

#1.  Abby Cried?  You Mean…No…She’s Human?

With a nod to Victor and Angel (…I’m from Miami, bitch…) we finished off The List with Abby in tears.

The last time we had seen Abby she had just lost a competition by .999999999% or something to the Candy Apples.  She had witnessed the Golden Child Maddie forget her routine and run off stage.  She was also taking heat from all the Moms over her ongoing favoritism.

Not a good day at the office.

After a butt shot that filled my entire 50″ screen, Abby had left the competition early and headed off into the sunset.

It was, like, totally OMG.

But now she’s back., Candy Apples.

Chew on that.

 

Remember…there’s no “I” in TEAM. But there’s a “MEAT” which gives me the munchies.

 

 

 

 

Seriously? The bottom row? This stinks worse than that Beef Jerky onesie, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

Haters gonna be hating. Don’t diss the Maddie Show.

 

 

 

 

I’m about to unleash some mad serious Beyoncé on these chicks, for realz.

 

 

 

 

 

Look up there. Not one Candy Apple. That alone is way better than a nose job, thank you.

 

 

 

Admit it.  It’s ok.

Who wouldn’t want a little nip & tuck? Nothing major.  Just a little sumthin sumthin to take a few years off the old face after years of hard living, bad choices and too much Reality TV.

Like those forehead creases you got from your eyes bugging out during two seasons of Dance Moms.

Or those jowly, marionette lines you got from your jaw hanging open for a solid hour each week.

Or those annoying “11″ lines between your eyebrows you got from squinting to make certain that the girls were actually wearing something up there during that scandalous Topless Showgirls episode, may it forever Rest In Peace.

You get my drift.

Luckily for you, this week was your chance to live vicariously through the Abby Lee Miller Dance Company as they shimmied and sashayed their way through a plastic surgery group number that would have made any Beverly Hills Housewife proud.

As Abby continued to push the girls to dance longer, harder and tighter for the upcoming Energy Dance Competition, we learned way more than we needed to about stress fractures, surgical procedures and Kelly’s maternally drained upper body.

But, as always, the party couldn’t start until the Pyramid of Shame was revealed.

This time around the Seriously, What Kind Of Tape Do They Use On Maddie’s Picture Because I Don’t Think They Could Pull It Off The Top If They Had To Pyramid was a bit of a downer for some of the girls.

Poor Chloe and her little eyes were stuck on the bottom row.  I know, right?

Chloe nailed her stuff last week, but Abby wanted more.  And more.  And then some more after that, which according to the rules in Abby’s head, require Chloe sit this one out down in the basement.

Paige and her sassy, slightly too old for her head haircut was right there next to Chloe, as was Nia.

The same rules that got Chloe in the bottom applied to Paige, while Nia was there because she was a beat or two pokey in last week’s trio.  She tried her gosh darnedest, but let’s be honest…she was playing catch up a few times.

That, and the fact that Mom Holly still won’t allow Abby to choreograph a Mr. Bojangles number each week.  She never says it, but I think Abby is still holding a grudge because Nia won’t let her hair go all Dy-No-Mite afro. Give it a rest, Abby, before Al Sharpton shows up.

Second row was held down by Brooke and smiley Mackenzie.

Little MacNugget just needs to keep working on her dancing and her front teeth.  She is a crazy good gymnast, and boinks all around the stage with that fearlessness that tiny kids have until the first time they cut their head open.  Brooke just needs to do something with her neck besides use it as a breeding ground for hickies.

I’m sure her Mom was thrilled when Abby pointed that one out on national television.

Check the hits on Brooke’s Facebook tonight.  They probably cut the JV football practice short so they could go home and get online.

Whether you’ve had Botox or not, there should have been no change in your facial muscles when Maddie was revealed on the top.  Every time she is on the upper deck I get confused as to whether I’m watching a repeat episode or not.  Wasn’t she just there last time, too?

The Big News this time, since there always has to be Big News, was that a talent scout from the Joffrey Ballet was going to be in the audience during the upcoming competition.

(Insert weekly KidSpaz here.)

This meant that they had to all step up their game, because now they had to win trophies and impress an agent who could potentially yank one of them into instant stardom.

And what better way to impress than do two…count ‘em…TWO trios and a group number about plastic surgery?  This announcement gave Christi a chance to squint and question the balance between the trios, and gave the rest of us the first of many chances to hear about Kelly’s less than stellar boobs.

MacNugget, Paige & Nia were going to be competing against Chloe, Brooke & Maddie.

As for the experience and balance…one group had top tier Maddie, and the other had a 7 year old who can do major backflips until those Ohio cows from last week come home,  but only a little bit of 7 year old dancing.  Do the math.

I didn’t squint as much on that one though, as I did when Kelly explained how breast feeding two girls could suck the air out of a balloon animal in under 30 seconds and leave it all withered up and stretchy.

When I came to and found I had slipped off the couch, I climbed back up and sure enough…Kelly was in the Mom Perch talking about her boobs again.

Luckily Christi interrupted her long enough to try out that new iPhone with the Siri to see how many hours it was to Michigan.  Honestly, if Kelly hadn’t finally shut up about her small boobs and disproportionate bootay I would have started walking down the highway.  How many days would that take, iPhone genie?

And then a mini Diva hit the ground.  Poor little Nia took a face plant in the rehearsal studio and got a stress fracture in her mini Diva foot.  But she’s a trooper.  Sasha Nia, bitches.

Maddie and Chloe were also assigned solos that would be performed in front of Mr. Joffrey at the competition.  While Chloe struggled in rehearsals, Maddie got 400% of Abby’s attention and guidance.

Pick favorites, much?

When this was pointed out to Mom Melissa, it went about as well as you would expect.

Gah.  I’m losing track.  Can’t talk about her personal life.  Can’t talk about her engagement.  Can’t talk about her booty call boyfriend.  Can’t talk about her kids.  What’s left?  Why are you even on this show, lady?

Abby was so impressed with what she could see of Maddie through her tunnel vision that she had the entire Senior Company Dancers come in and watch her routine.

It was kind of nice to actually see a few other dancers in the studio.  We knew all along that Lifetime couldn’t keep the lights on with just the tuition checks from six kids and a few Jane Seymour movies, and we’ve only really seen one or two nameless Mom Heads accidentally pop up from the other side of the Perch Couch (…seriously…did the other off camera Moms have to crawl around back there on all fours if they didn’t sign something?…) so it was a nice change of pace.

Granted, the senior kids looked like kids do when you make them all report to the gymnasium for an assembly on Prom Etiquette…but at least they showed.  And Maddie did her thing, and it was clear that she was getting priority seating, if you know what I mean.  But it’s not her fault.  She’s more level headed than most adults I know.  And that Jennifer Lopez hair stylist she hired is growing on me.  So props, Maddie.

When the Moms kept needling Melissa about favoritism, she finally blew a nutty and ran out like TMZ paparazzi was stalking her.

Seriously.  Holding your coat up over your head to block the cameras?  You’re a Dance Mom, not some coked out starlet leaving the Grove at 2am.  Chill pill.

According to Siri it was going to be a long ride, so everybody boarded the bus for Michigan and hit the road.

Melissa had dialed down the Hollywood drama a notch or two and decided to show up, and even brought a gift for Kelly.

It was a little black bra…because of that whole, you know, boob thing.  Don’t make me relive that moment.

By the time they got to Michigan, the girls were starting to stress out about the Joffrey Guy.  Maddie and Chloe each had to learn three dances in record time, and most of the attention had gone to Maddie.  So everyone was a little on edge.  Even Abby’s hair was more tightly wound.  Girlfriend is certainly getting her money’s worth with those hot rollers.

Even Melissa was a little off her game as she stabbed Maddie with a pin.  That was good for a few tears, which probably came from pre-dance stress and not from the actual puncture wound.

Mr. Joffrey was seated in the audience.

He definitely was not what I expected, even though I didn’t really have any expectations.

He was a lot less Kids from Fame than I thought he would be, and a whole lot more Wall Street.  That could have just been due to the fact that Lifetime ran that Dance Moms: Miami promo every 90 seconds, and I was getting so used to that So You Think You Can Dance guy being all Faaabulous and everything that it clouded my judgement.

Whatever.  The point is he was there.  In a tie like the guy at my bank wears.

Maddie did her solo and it was great.  Abby said you could hear a pin drop in the audience.  Or you would have I guess, if it wasn’t still lodged in Maddie’s hip.

Thanks, Mom.  Next time watch what you’re doing, or learn how to sew.  Pay attention…or can we not talk about that, either?

Both trios were nifty.  MacNugget bazoinked all over the place as per usual.  Nia got her groove back, even with the stress fracture.  Brooke even smiled, I think.  The lights were so bright it kind of blurred out any hickies she may have been sporting.

Poor Chloe choked on her solo and forgot a chunk of it, which Abby was more than happy to point out later in the Green Room.  Abby also managed to spin that blooper into a bad flashback for Nia who had forgotten her own stuff a few weeks earlier.

The plastic surgery group number was the highlight.  With their faces all marked up with Sharpies with those dotted lines that you always see on tenderloin cut pictures at the butcher shop, the girls busted out their best Nip,Tuck & Roll.  The audience seemed to be digging it, but they didn’t win.

This must have been a pretty fancy competition, because they had a drum roll before each prize was given.  Michigan knows how to throw a party.

Maddie won.  Brooke’s trio won.  Chloe didn’t.  The other trio didn’t.

Abby used the whole thing as a learning experience to force feed teamwork to the dancers.  Group numbers have to be as tight as a celebrity’s face.

Finally, Mr. Ballet Bank of Joffrey came out back to meet the gang.  Next Friday they are having open auditions for their Summer Program.  Full scholarship for some lucky winners.

(Insert SECOND KidSpaz of the week.  This one put us way over quota.)

The girls went full on gangstah dance as they jumped all over the room.  Abby even hoisted up tiny MacNugget like she was a laundry bag, and the poor thing looked like Pinocchio did right before the whale swallowed him up.

Everyone was hyper happy, but I’m not gonna lie…I missed my Jill poof.  And there was definitely not enough Candy Apple drama for my tastes.

I don’t know if Michigan was ready for that bad a** red haired Mom, so to prevent rioting in the streets Chaos Cathy and her League of Tupperware Vixens must have chosen to stay home for the safety of glitter eyed Vivi-Anne and that Justice scamp.

But it looks like everyone will be back next week to kick some serious Joffrey butt.

I’m gonna need an extra shot of Restylane to get through that one.