Dance Moms: Witch, Pleez. There’s A Big Dangerous House Droppin’, Booty Poppin’ Storm Moving In On Virginia.Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014
I don’t care if you all come in like a damn Wrecking Ball or a Butterball. Just drop it hard on her head.
Whoa. This is not my fault. Nobody told me you lose points for dressing up like an Amish furniture maker.
It is what it is, y’all. Haters gonna hate cuz this Mama still knows how to rock her Bump-It. Werk.
Check it before you wreck it, Gurlz. Baby don’t need no solo when she’s looking this Fierce, mmkay?
Still a Bitch.
I could totally pull off one of those Kardashian selfies. Not bad for 2 kids.
Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?
Or just the owner of a dance studio? Because it’s a fine line nowadays.
And Dance Moms went there this week, stirring up the competitive Dark Side.
Good vs. Evil. Mom vs. Mom. Kendall vs. Chloe. And of course…ALDC vs. CADC.
After an almost perfect showing in Orlando, it was time to ramp up for the next competition as the gang all hustled in for the latest Pyramid of Shame.
Well, except for Payton that is, who did more of a klunk klunk foot drag kind of thing than an actual hustle since she was now on wobbly crutches after going down hard right before last week’s group routine.
You remember that, right? When Payton tripped on something backstage and all those big, beefy EMTs came rushing into the makeup room to save the day? And Christi laid down on the floor pretending that she needed CPR while Abby ran in circles like a St. Bernard rescue dog slobbering tongue goo all over the walls?
Yeah. You remember. It was Desperate Housewives: Pittsburgh Edition.
And now Payton was uncomfortably held up by crutches at the bottom of the Pyramid, and struggling to explain what really happened that fateful afternoon.
When she first hit the floor last week, word on the street was that she had flipped over a chair and gone down, but by the time the Chippendales ambulance arrived the story had already changed to something about tripping over Kendall. And now, when confronted by Abby and several unnamed government sources, it turns out that Payton was allegedly mocking some random ballet dancer on stage at the time and may have actually wiped out simply due to the fact that she was born with two left feet.
Paytongate. We may never know the real answer.
Especially since Mom Leslie immediately blew another Walmart Nutty while claiming that her kid had tripped over a backstage prop (…Version…what are we up to now…#4?…) before Mom and Daughter were both kicked off the team and right out of the building.
Thanks for playing. Game Over.
If you keep track of this kind of thing, Payton literally spent less time on camera this week than she did maneuvering herself in and out around the parking lot potholes. And that’s gotta suck on crutches.
And then there were seven.
The rest of the bottom tier consisted of Kendall, Nia and Brooke. Kendall was still paying the price for being late to the Orlando competition, thanks in part to Mom Jill taking too long to pack all her fur coats after attending another daughter’s event. Brooke had forgotten some choreo (…that’s what the Cool Kids call ‘choreography’ nowadays…) and Nia had blended in…which I would have assumed isn’t really a bad thing in a group number. But I’m no dance teacher, so there’s that.
Not gonna lie. I really want Nia to get her Moment To Shine. I do. But I also really enjoy her ‘OhHellNoBitchPleezYouDidNotJustGoThere’ Face every time Abby sticks it to her in front of the other girls. You do not wanna make Nia snap her fingers in a Z Formation.
Trust me. You just don’t.
The middle row of The Pyramid was home to Chloe, Paige and Mackenzie. There was still some unsolved drama over how Chloe and Kendall had managed to swap spots in the program after it had gone to print that would drag through the entire episode. I forget why Paige was there in the middle. I almost forgot Paige was there all together if we’re being honest. She hasn’t had much face time lately.
It should also be noted that Mackenzie had her Little Girl hair bow back on in her headshot but was still giving us Fish Lip Kissy Face Realness. How old is this kid? Really?
Maddie was at the top again.
I just cut & paste that sentence every week in case you were wondering.
This week the gang was headed to Roanoke, VA for the Dance Troupe International competition (…DTI for those in the know…) where they would once again be going head to head with Ohio’s Evil Dance Lair.
Yup. Candy Apples was gonna be back in the hizzle again.
To celebrate the return of Abby’s Evil Nemesis, the ALDC group routine was aptly but not so cleverly entitled “The Witches of East Canton” (…I see what you did there, Ms. Miller…) with Maddie playing a Good Witch who faces off against all the other Bad Witches in town. This way, Abby could stick it to not only Cathy Nesbitt-Stein but also everyone sitting upstairs in the ALDC MomPerch all at the same time.
Multi-tasking? Always Bonus Points.
Kendall and Chloe were assigned opposing solos again in yet another attempt at determining who would be Abby’s Number Two Girl in the highly unlikely event that Maddie is abducted by aliens and can no longer fulfill her duties as Top Dawg.
And then it was off to rehearsals, and to Ohio for an injection or two of testosterone.
That’s right. The Candy Apples Boy Band had reunited and Cathy was positively giddy.
Zack Attack, Lady Killer Lucas and The Other Nick were all back together again with bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath, so you knew there would be one leg up in the air high kicks and screaming tweenybop girls for days.
And just to make certain the group routine would be amaze balls, Cathy had imported two new ringers for this week’s competition.
The Morales Kids!!
Who I guess are some brother/sister big dealio in the youtube world, but honestly I’m so far behind in my puppies riding skateboards and kittens playing piano videos that I haven’t even had a moment to catch my breath, much less begin Googling ‘Dance Phenoms.’
I’m sure their videos are da bomb.
Accompanied by their Mom (…who chews an awful lot of gum I gotta say…) Gavin and McKenzie Morales busted into the Jerky Store like the internet rockstars they are.
Everyone went temporarily insane and then Blake got the party started, even though I’m pretty sure his hip hop pants were on backwards.
Gavin, who’s a tiny little squirt of a dancing machine and his sister McKenzie, not to be confused with the original recipe Mackenzie or Makenzie from Toddlers & Tiaras (…is it any wonder that my spellcheck never works anymore?…) reminded me of the two little salsa kids that Macy’s always rolls out during the Dancing With The Stars finale. They were cuties and really seemed to know their shizz.
I’m also pretty sure the boy had frosted tips like ‘N Sync used to rock back in the day.
Bye Bye Bye.
Back in Pittsburgh, Chloe was working on her Miley Cyrus solo while Kendall struggled with a high energy M.I.A. bouncy ball dance. But the real struggle was up in the MomPerch as Holly sat on Christi to prevent her from punching Jill in the throat again.
Seriously. This drama over the program order is getting old. How much longer, ladies?
I’m also beginning to wonder if Dr. Beyoncé actually uses any hot rollers or if just being around all these crazy moms 24/7 is making her hair look like that. I like it. Don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I bet my girl just wants to let them chew each others’ faces off while she takes her new hair out the back door for an Herbal Essence Moment of Clarity.
Which you can buy here, if you so desire. The book. Not the shampoo. The shampoo’s on sale at CVS if you use a coupon, though.
The remainder of the rehearsals leading up to the DTI competition were chock full of the usual drama. Jill wanted a level playing field between Kendall and Chloe. Christi wanted to poke Jill in the eye socket and then sneak another peak at Chloe’s special top secret costume. Kelly wanted Abby to stop picking on her kids for one (bleeping) day. And Melissa just wanted better cell reception upstairs because it was taking waaay too long for her tweets to post.
At some point during all the hysteria, Kendall almost flat lined when she couldn’t catch her breath and Jill had to rush from the MomPerch to make sure her kid didn’t go into a full blown panic attack. I really thought Christi was going to film it with her iPhone and put it up on Instagram since she was already downstairs taping Chloe’s rehearsal. You know she totally thought about it for a second until Jill gave her Side Eye.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And once again, the crowd went completely bazoinkers when the ALDC bus pulled up to the bumper. Ba. Zoinkers.
Backstage, Chloe unveiled her expensive, sparkly solo ensemble right before poor little Kendall shlepped out from behind the curtain in some last minute rags that Abby clearly pulled from an H&M clearance rack while the bus was gassing up across the street.
Srsly. ‘SWAG?’ On a shirt? D’Hell wuzzat? No one even says that any more except for Justin Bieber and he’s a complete Tool.
Jill was not liking it. At all. But the show must go on even if somebody’s playing favorites in the costume closet.
Kendall’s SwagSolo was a little SoSlow. Not swaggy enuff, according to Cathy, who kept talking the entire time behind Jill’s seat until Mama Lion turned around and took a swipe at her suburban Ohio prey.
No, you shut up.
Chloe’s solo went well, but I had trouble hearing the music over the sound of Jill’s teeth grinding together. Equal playing field my butt. And cold shoulder cut outs.
I should also probably note that Jill’s hair was exceptionally big this week. I’m thinking the new and improved Holly Frazier has forced Jill to step up her game. Well played this week, Mrs. Vertes. Well played.
But the group routines were when the game really started getting good.
The Candy Apples Wild Party dance crew hit the stage with one shiny suit leg up in the air as all the Boyz took turns tossing McKenzie 2014 around the stage.
Side note: How tall is this Nick kid? Seriously. What he lacks in the Original Nick’s Dreamyosity he certainly makes up for in claymation flexibility.
And don’t even take this as a slam, because I looooved this movie. But do you remember The Nightmare Before Christmas? The Tim Burton one? You tell me that Nick Daniels doesn’t look exactly like Jack Skellington with a Backstreet Boy Head. All long arms and crazy legs going uncontrollably all over the place.
How does he even do that? That has GOT to hurt.
When Nick hit the stage he looked exactly like Jack Skellington when he fell down that tree hole into the Christmas Town snow bank. And I was totes jealz.
What’s this? What’s this?
I bet Gavin’s Mom would have swallowed her gum if she hadn’t had such a huge wad of Dubble Bubble in her mouth.
After the Candy Apples did their thang, the ALDC hit the stage all slicked back and contoured and witched-up. Tonight when I hit the gym I’m totally cutting up my biceps with eye shadow like Nia did. Pop them guns, Gurrrl.
And then there was nothing left to do but award some trophies. Especially the one for Most Fierce Emcee Walk To The Stage Ever award. Did you see that dude werk it from the back to the front like it was New York Fashion Week? Wait. What?
Kendall came in Second Place. Which was not First Place. So here we go again. Sorry, Chloe took that spot.
Despite Blake’s lucky hat, the Candy Apples came in Second Place in the group category, which opened up a whole ‘nother can of fresh apple sauce backstage as Lucas’ Mom Brigette got all worked up about the Politics of Dancing, which coincidentally enough is also a song that she recently Shazamed on her iPhone.
Mama T. does love her Shazam app. And we love her for it.
If you do the math, that meant that the ALDC pulled in First Place for their oh so subtle Good Witch/Bad Witch slam against the state of Ohio. So there, Boyz.
Girl Power to the bazillionth.
But that doesn’t mean anyone (…except Maddie…and Mackenzie, of course, who pretty much comes as a free gift with purchase…) is safe from elimination.
Because the Open Auditions are back next week.
Game On, Witches.