Posts Tagged ‘@DanceMoms’

Dance Moms: Wassup With All These Maddie Rumors? Inquiring Minds Want To Know…She Staying Or She Going?

Wednesday, March 16th, 2016

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I know it’s very last minute, but I found you this furry thing and even one of the Jonas Brothers.

 

 

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I’m telling you right now…that kid is not going to the Award Show wearing my favorite furry vest.

 

 

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OMG. I’m like 11 years old. Why don’t they just glue eyes on this thing and shoot me now?

 

 

kkh

 

 

 

 

#JustStop

 

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It’s like they’re all looking at me right now. I can’t even remember what we’re talking about.

 

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I paid extra to have my name engraved, but it was worth it. Purell your hands before you touch it.

 

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And make sure to give them all Face like “Bitch, I know you’re jealous of my Eyeball Jacket.”

 

 

 

Drumroll.

The envelope, please.

And the Award for the most Mama Drama goes to…

Psych.

I don’t wanna spoil it for you.

You’ll figure it out on your own soon enough, tho.  Trust me.

But first, we need to get you ready for something fancy.

Like an award show, maybe.

Because that’s exactly how this week’s Dance Moms started out….in full-on pre-show mode with Abby, Melissa and Maddie getting their hair did and their faces Beat to the Gawdz for the upcoming People’s Choice Awards.

mmWell…ok…that’s a lie.

The show actually started with this wide shot:

signsThink those signs are big enough?

Then we went into hair and makeup, because Maddie had been nominated for a 2016 PCA in the “Seriously Popular” category along with some other people who were also in the category.  I forget who exactly, but Melissa ran through the list of names on her iPhone while the camera zoomed in on all this tasty goodness…aa1I see what you did there, Mr. CameraGuy.

married-to-medicine-season-2-quad-201#ShadyBoots.

Since Mackenzie was back in Pittsburgh performing with the original ALDC squad this week, Melissa had given Abby 2 tickets to tonight’s award show, but nobody knew who her Mystery Date was going to be for the evening.  Even when pressed by Melissa, Abby wouldn’t give up any details on a potential escort.

Side note:  I’ve said it before, but still.tumblr_o43kj5nX7S1tb8iyko2_500

mw-dc905_trump_20150108160332_zhSeparated at Birth, or nah?

Even my MomCrush Jill had to bow to the awesomeness of Abby’s spray tan this week.

Flashback:  Remember when all the Toddlers & Tiaras kids used to get hosed down on the kitchen table while they’re brothers were sitting there in the overspray just trying to eat their cereal?  I loved that show.

And speaking of probably violating at least one city ordinance or fire code…the ALDC LA studio was busting at the seams with Dance Moms this week.  They were everywhere.

The Mini Moms were finally back (…minus two of the blond ones who took their kids and hit the road back to wherever…) as well as all the original full-size Moms.

Disclaimer:  I said full-size, not full-figure.  Relax, people.

And there was even a new Mom on the scene this week.

Meet Jeannie and her trifecta of tiny dancers.

31Kaylee, Rihanna and Coco.  11, 9 and 7 respectively.

I’m assuming they were either personally called and invited to the ALDC or were drawn in by those gigantic window signs.  I’m not sure.  But there they were, regardless.

So now, not only did we finally meet a 7 year old child named Coco, but the Mini Team was potentially back up to its full 6 member headcount again.

That’s right.  Abby was going to have the oldest girl, Kaylee, dance with the tater tots.

Which made Kaylee get all like ‘Excuse Me?’

duh …because she usually gets paid for babysitting, thank you.

Duh.

Oh.  And Peyton‘s Mom already knew Jeannie.  Because of course she did.

And she already wasn’t a big fan, which caused Kerri to make the same face she made when she refused to believe that any woman in the building could afford that quilted Chanel bag sitting behind her head.  As if.

chanelGossip Dept.:  Every major CVS rag on the rack had recently published stories about Maddie leaving the ALDC to pursue other interests, but Melissa was refusing to acknowledge the articles or discuss the situation with any of the Moms.

But, of course, that didn’t stop Ashlee from asking about it anyway.

Melissa did this a lot this week.

mzsmStill in curlers, Abby rushed through the Pyramid of Shame so she and the Zs could head off to the Awards for some free swag and appetizers.

Bottom Row:  Mackenzie, Kalani, JoJo and Nia.

Psych #2.  Abby moved Nia’s photo up one row, which caused Nia to make this face.

2015-08-10-1439188332-2404835-willisI mean, this face.

niaWhatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Miller?

Middle Row:  Kendall and Brynn, followed by Maddie on Top.

This week, the gang was headed to Placentia, CA for the Dream Dance Competition.

The new & improved Minis would be performing a group routine entitled ‘The Monsters,’ while the Big Girls would be circling overhead just like ‘The Vultures’ Abby thinks they are some times.  And Maddie got a solo.  Because Maddie.  ‘The Peoples Choice…Or Not?’

With their Uber already waiting outside to take them downtown, Abby tracked down Brynn in that freaky back storeroom and asked her if she wanted to go to the awards.

This face, tho.

bWhat do you think, lady?

Bonus Points:  To both Abby, for somehow finding an entire last minute Muppet-inspired outfit in Brynn’s size just hanging on a rack and to that random Boy Toy assistant who looked like whichever Jonas Brother it is that always works out, who kept walking in and out of the shot carrying what appeared to be a deli sandwich all wrapped to-go.

I don’t even understand this show anymore.

amPsych #3:  Hope Brynn didn’t cut the tags off that outfit, cuz she ain’t going anywhere.

It was a mess.

The other Moms took offense to Abby asking Brynn first instead of one of the other girls.

Which made Ashlee mad.

Which got Jill mad.

To nip it in the bud, Abby asked Kendall and Kalani if they wanted to go in Brynn’s place, but neither of them were touching that one with a ten foot pole.  Kudos for having the maturity to not take food right out of the mouth of your new little dance friend, girls.kk

Somehow when the dust settled, it ended up that Jill was going to the awards instead, even though she had nothing to wear.

Again…as if.

Deep down, I’ve always believed that everything Jill wears is actually velcro rip-away stuff that’s hiding something sequined underneath just in case anything like this ever happens to come up at the last minute and she finally gets that call from Dancing With The Stars.

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I know, right?  Iconic.

Eventually, everyone pig-piled on top of each other and nobody ended up going with Abby.

Nobody.

Jill wasn’t going to steal a little girl’s ticket.  Ashlee wasn’t going to let her baby girl get bulldozed by anyone.  Holly couldn’t believe we were still talking about this same issue 30 minutes later.  And then I did the math and realized that I could have just taken the last ticket and saved everyone alot of grief.  Thanks for nothing, ladies.

Fast forward:  And the Winner is…Maddie Ziegler!!  Our girl won!!

OMG.  Like Seriously Popular.pca

The next day, Team Ziegler was back and telling all their exciting celebrity stories.

pca2Melissa even brought the trophy to work and put it in Holly’s spot.

awWould you mind just scooting down a little bit so my baby’s trophy can get the good light?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Side note:  I’m starting to love that clip almost as much as I love Holly.

After allowing everyone to touch the award like it was some religious artifact from the Holy People’s Choice Land, Melissa finally put it down and we got to watch the girls rehearse.

Srsly.  How adorbz were those little fur coats?  Even before they hot glued all the roly-poly craft store hilarity onto the fur?  I mean, c’mon.

eye1Spoiler Alert:  Why are there only three kids in that picture?

Clearly, the only person who wasn’t loving the purple fur…other than the guy they had to hunt down on Sesame Street for his pelt and eyeballs, of course…

purple4…was Kaylee, who rolled her still attached eyes and (…allegedly…) copped an attitude.

Mom immediately sat her down for the 411.

Apparently, Kaylee felt that the dance was for babies.  Too young.  Too cheeky.  And why would anyone above the age of 10 want to pretend to be a monster and be all like…

monsterI dunno, honey.  Why don’t we ask this lady when she’s done cashing in all her millions?

giphyYaaaaaaaas, Gaga.

Q.  And didn’t Brooke Hyland dance with Minis even when she was old enough to date boys and take a pie in the face?  Wasn’t she like 27 and still stepping on Mackenzie Boo back in the day?  Gah.  We miss those Hylands.

Take a bow, kids.  XOXO

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With barely a day to go before the competition, all the Moms were out back by the dumpster (…cuz that’s where all the good trash gets talked…) dishing the dirt about Jeannie and her kids and…of course…the dreaded Social Media.

Yup.  Turns out that Jeannie had smack talked Abby and the ALDC crew online, calling them out for unprofessionalism and bad behavior and a stressful work environment and all the regular stuff you always put on social media when your boss rubs you the wrong way.

Mmmm.  Do tell.

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#StrongKidsWalkAway.  She actually wrote that.

Yikes.

h1Probably not the best time for Jeannie & Co to roll up in their Escalade to announce that they were quitting the team already.

Side note:  Was it my TV or was Jessalynn talking really loud this week?  Cuz my ears…

I heart her, tho.  Here she is being loud again.

Stop it.  No…you stop it.

jsShort version:  Abby saw the social media posts and threatened to sic one of her 143 libel lawyers on Jeannie, who threw Chloe‘s name into the mix just to get everyone wound up.

Kudos to Melissa for standing up for the Lukasiaks and making it clear that Jeannie didn’t know the whole back story.

And then they were gone.

I guess Kaylee was off to do something better that didn’t involve scary faces and purple fur that watches you wherever you go in the room.

Art-MUI mean, really.  How creepy were all those coats hanging behind Maddie?  Go back up and look at that picture again.  I wouldn’t be able to sleep with those things in the house.

With the Mini roster completely cut in half, Abby scrambled the girls into a Trio and then snatched two random ALDC hip hop girls who happened to be walking by and signed them up to do a Duet at the last minute.  Sometimes panic brings out the best in everyone.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Hat Day at the judges’ table.  You see that?  On point, boys.

Jill asked Melissa one more time if Maddie was sticking around or not, to which Melissa replied “As of right now”…which could either mean she’ll finish the dance, the season or this week’s episode.  Who knows.

But her solo was awesome.

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And they were barely done raving about it when the two surprise hip hop girls showed up backstage for some healthy competition.  And most of Abby’s attention.hh

Look at Brynn.  She totally knew what was about to hit the hip hop fan.b3

Needless to say, Kerri didn’t like that…at all.  So she made this face again.  chanel

But in a different outfit.

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And on steroids.

Kerri wanted her daughter to get some attention.  And respect.  And now.

Abby knew what she was doing.  She’d done it before, right?  We even got to see Chloe in an Amber Alert’ flashback to prove her point about healthy competition!

Hey, Boo!  Miss you more!

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And then it got louder.

Abby yelled.  Kerri yelled.  Peyton cried.  Rinse & Repeat.

Yell at my kid one more time.  You’re the people I don’t want in my studio.  You’re the culture.  Yell at my kid one more time.  I can get louder.

It was getting ugly.  And even louder.

 All Holly could think about was how good the coffee was…

hf…and the Bronx.

Bronx-ny-postcard

Where this happened.  Remember?
dance-moms-fightThey cut out this part since there were Minis in the room…

tumblr_n0w5c8WCiY1ql5yr7o2_250And they even cut out this part from when it aired overseas and somebody had to subtitle Holly when she was freaking out…

God Bless the Internet.  I even love Holly in Portuguese.

Luckily, it didn’t escalate to Kelly 2.0 and the show went on after all.

True Fact:  The pep talk between the 3 Minis was probably the best part of the whole episode.  Those kids are hilarious.  Face.  Give them Face.  Give them pre-school Face.

We got this.

Stop it.  I just can’t.

jsBoth the Mini Duet and Mini Trio went off without a hitch.  The Trio really stepped it up at the last minute, despite all the Mama Drama right before they went onstage.

Side note:  I really wanted to point out that one of the Minis has the most amazing calf muscles for such a teenie weenie, but it sounds way more unintentionally creepy when I say it out loud…so never mind.

The Big Girls were off the chart, too.

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All the flashbacks this week made me recall those dime store costumes and Crayola makeup jobs the Moms used to have to do on their kids mugs.  They’ve certainly come a long way since digging through that ratchet ALDC tutu store.

After a quick power point lesson on the mating rituals and survival techniques of Vultures (…Aegypius Monachus…) by Dr. Holly, it was time to hand out some awards.

Which the ALDC scooped up like those afore mentioned scavenging birds.

Mini Duet took First Place.  Mini Trio snagged Second Place.  And the Big Girls brought home another First Place trophy to put next to Melissa’s People’s Choice Award.

Which brought everyone back to the same old question one more time?

‘Sup with Maddie now?

mdHmmm.

Rumors?  Go figure.

Maybe next week.

Or not, I guess.

mz

Dance Moms: What We Need Is A Girl Party. And Stronger Butt Glue. Can’t We All Just Get Along For Once?

Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

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Woman…Imma seriously ’bout to pop off if you don’t stop touching my weave right now.

 

 

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It’s sad those two girls aren’t getting along. Plus it totally f***s me over for the Wednesday carpool.

 

 

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They showed her pulling my hair on TMZ and now everyone thinks I’m Lindsay Lohan.

 

 

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Sup? Just chillin’ in the stockroom with my homie M. Diddy, laying down some dope a** tracks.

 

 

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I’m trying to take a freakin’ selfie. Don’t you all be standing behind me rolling your eyes. I see you.

 

 

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Acting like that around the girls isn’t healthy for anyone. Especially after I slap her.

 

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I really can’t right now. My scarf’s all messed up and I’ve got butt glue in my damn eye again.

 

 

 

Well, it’s been 7 days.

The drama may not have subsided any, but at least the swelling has gone down.

After being finger poked, slapped and dragged around the makeup room during last week’s Pay-Per-View MamaMania Rumble, Abby Lee Miller seemed to have recovered quite nicely and was already back to her old ways.

Dance Moms was back in business.

And now it was up to the remaining members of the ALDC Team to deal with the fall out.

Kelly was gone.  Brooke was gone.  Paige was gone.

All because Mom had proven that Krazy ain’t just a hairstyle when she attacked Abby backstage after last week’s competition.  Or allegedly, anyway.

You’ve seen it on TMZ.  You’ve seen it on this site.  You’ve even seen it on the special extended Choreographer’s Gonna Cut You episode.

Self defense?  Assault?  Hormones?  Who knows.

But the Hylands were gone.  At least for now.  Which left a couple of warm seats for new recruit Kalani to fill if Mom Kira had any say in the matter.  Game On.

This week started out calmly enough at the front desk with Abby explaining to front desk girl Rachel that Kelly was no longer allowed anywhere near the front desk.  The kids were off the Team and a formal letter needed to be sent out asap on official ALDC front desk letterhead to make sure that Kelly kept her distance.  Abby was very clear on her expectations and what needed to be done to keep Kelly on the other side of Pittsburgh.

What she didn’t explain very well was why everyone at the ALDC seemed to be wearing their hair up in those Asia Monet Ray buns lately and why there was a random Boy Band dude sitting behind them holding a closed laptop.  That’s not very productive.

I’m sure he was some kind of young BoyToy assistant to Abby (…Mama does like her snacks to come with an extended expiration date…) but this guy’s hair was just way too perfect and that always makes me suspicious.  Plus he kept leaning in like one of the girls trying to get in on the gossip.

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Dude.  Go plug in your Macbook Air.  That restraining order isn’t gonna type itself.

Once Abby got her front desk ManCandy under control, it was time for this week’s Pyramid of Shame.  And Jill‘s newly tinted hair, which appeared to be a shade or two redder than normal, unless my TV was acting up again.

Bottom row this week had two especially humiliating spots reserved just for Brooke and Paige.

Wait.  What?  They don’t even work there anymore.

Go figure.  If you don’t even have to be on the payroll to get your headshot up on the mirror, I’m totally FedExing an 8×10 over to Abby this afternoon.  Look for me on the top next week.  I’ll be the one with the snappy bow tie.

Nia and Chloe were also on the bottom.  I guess Nia goofed up something in the group routine last week that I hadn’t even noticed while Chloe’s Mom drives Abby crazy enough to get her stuck in the basement again.

Spoiler Alert:  Christi is the new Kelly.

The mezzanine was held down by Kendall and the Zeiglers.  Kendall did an odd little finger tip baby clap that I found amusing while Mackenzie and Maddie just kind of stood there all confused why one of them wasn’t on top.

That meant that the peak of the Pyramid was reserved for newbie Kalani, which kind of made Maddie’s mouth hang open and Mom Melissa‘s left eye twitch a little.

This week the gang was headed to Woodbridge, VA for their first ever FIERCE National Dance Competition.  You Bettah Werk.

Spoiler Alert#2:  False Advertising.  No Drag Queens.

As a reward for stepping up and going into full blown Crisis Mode during last week’s fisticuffs, Abby gave Holly and Nia a solo.  Well, Nia.  You know what I meant.

For those of you with short term memory issues, there was a quick flashback to Flight Attendant Holly getting all large and in charge as Kelly threw a beat down on Abby’s head.

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“Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!”

I swear they enhanced the audio this time around, though, because now Holly was screaming louder than last week and her voice was cracking and she was freaking out like aliens had just landed in the back yard and set the barn on fire.

“Girls!  Save the horses!  Girls!  Save the horses!  Girls!  Save the horses!”

It was madness, I tell you.  She got me so wound up that I heaved a trash can through the window at Best Buy and stole a new air conditioner.  I didn’t know what else to do I was so scared.

Crime is never the answer, kids.  Remember that.

But it’s all good.  She calmed herself down and now Dr. Beyoncé was all Boots & Buns this week, which should totally be a Miranda Lambert song if it’s not already.

Chloe and Maddie scored a duet, which meant that they would be forced to perform together even though they were technically and temporarily no longer friends, thanks to that whole Lying About The Duet thing that went down last week.

Kendall and Kalani were also handed a duet, which opened up a whole other can of Dancing Up/Dancing Down worms.  Oy vey.

As the girls all started rehearsing their Yum Yum Musical Theater group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to grill Kira a little more and give Christi another opportunity to snark on Melissa’s (…alleged…) extra marital affairs.  Oh, snap.  She went there again.

Christi refused to smile or discuss Kelly’s situation no matter how many times the Moms asked for deets.  She was more than happy to yell and argue, but clammed up every time someone asked about Kelly.

Somehow in the midst of all the fighting and accusations of lying about duets and cheating on taxes, Melissa switched gears and invited everyone over to her home for wine and cheese.  Because snacks always make everything all better.

Christi politely declined,which meant more booze for everyone else.  Girl Party!

Two quick notes on the get together and then we’ll move on.

One.  Are these Moms contractually required to shop at HomeGoods?  I’m being serious.

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Remember Kelly’s basement family room?  And now Melissa’s living room.  I swear I saw a cash register in the background.

Two.  Holly was drinking diet Coke.  Which left three other Moms with three ginormous bottles of wine on the table.  And it was like 11 o’clock in the morning.  You do the math.

Back at the ALDC, Mackenzie and delightfully whacky Voice Coach Cathie were crammed into some supply closet or stockroom or something working at one of those folding electric organs that you always pull out during family reunions.  Turns out that the artist formally known as little Kenzie was now called L’il K and would soon be heading to Los Angeles to record a few rap songs.

You can’t make this stuff up.

All I know is that Snoop Puppy suddenly had an album release party scheduled and that Abby knew all the words to her Girl Party song as she and Cathie shoulder rolled their way through squeaky beatz that sounded like they should be coming out of a sock puppet on a PBS show.  Cathie even said “Groove,” which totally gave me life.

Cathie’s keyboard and scoop neck top both came from QVC.  You can quote me on that.

As rehearsals progressed, Christi continued to distance herself from the rest of the Moms, which made Holly want to pull out her own new hair.  But Girlfriend ain’t messing with that investment.  Remember her old lady plastic bonnet the day it was drizzling outside?

More importantly:  Can the kids hear the Moms argue while they are down in the studio?  I still don’t really understand how that works, because sometimes it seems like the Moms hear what Abby is saying and sometimes it appears that the girls can hear the Moms losing their nutty.  But how could they find the 8 count in the music if Christi is always squawking over the boom box?  Somebody needs to explain this one to me, because it drives me crazy.

With one day to go before competition, Abby finally decided to teach Nia her solo.  I don’t know why she constantly bones our girl every week.

I also don’t know why she continues to hand Nia these borderline ethnic routines.  I thought we were done with all that?  Not that she can’t rock it out.  It is the International Year of the Nia, after all.

But again with this head wrapped Going Down In The River dance?

Not River Dance.  River dance.  There’s a difference.  LaQuifa Whaaat?

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But we got a couple of really good SuperMom pep talks and that always gives me warm fuzzies.  Holly always has it under control, whether her hair is up or down.

Finally, it was Showtime!  FIERCE Showtime.

They capitalize it.  So you know they mean business.

They can’t update their Facebook cover photo in a timely manner.  And the link to ‘2014 Competitions’ doesn’t work on their website.  But at least the Cap Key is functioning.

Yes.  I check those kind of things.  I’m a journalist, thank you.

Backstage, the Moms were in their usual pre-game tailspin.  Except for Christi, who sat all by herself like some New Girl in the cafeteria hating Life on her first day of school.

Bonus points were given for Holly’s Side Eye while Christi ignored everyone’s cries for help.  Sitting there on your a** trying to get to the next level of Candy Crush?  Not cool.

As Melissa and Holly struggled to securely attach Nia’s head wrap, you just knew this wasn’t going to end well.  Headgear and the ALDC go together about as well as me and Quantum Physics.

Right as the girls headed to the stage, Christi decided to perk up and started picking at Nia’s head wrap.  Something about tucking a piece of the fabric underneath so you couldn’t see the raw edge that was cut, even though it was butt glued to her face.

Yeah.  Butt glue.  On her face.  Instead of her butt.

Been there.  Done that.  No fun.

Kendall and Kalanie’s duet went great even though more lights were facing the audience than the dancers on stage.  Anyone else notice that?  You had to literally squint to watch the show.  It was like watching TV in a tanning bed.

And no backdrop at all this time.  No tacky light projection or nothing.  Just black curtains.  It was fierce…but in all lower case letters.

Chloe and Maddie managed to make it through their duet without punching each other in the throat.  OMG it makes me so sad to see BFFs not LOLing.  Totes sad.

Then Nia hit the stage and wrecked it.  She did amazing, even though she had a butt glue malfunction and her head wrap slipped backwards.  It didn’t fall off and she still managed to get Down In The River, but she got really upset and cried.  Which not only made me sad, but made her butt glue get all gummy again.

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Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time I say Butt Glue this week.  It’s awesome.

Needless to say, Abby flipped a switch on Christi backstage.  If she ever puts her hand on another kid again…to the Moon, Alice.  Was it sabotage?  Hmmm…

Everything spun out of control for a second or two while Christi got dramatic and Holly stood up for Nia.  Abby then changed gears and talked to L’il Mackelmore about her upcoming recording sessions and how she should emulate role models who climb in and out of low rider automobiles with no underwear on in front of the paparazzi.

Britney and Christina.  I don’t think the underwear part was really the point of the conversation, but that was my take away.

Then the group hit the stage.  Nia got her Butt Glue-free face back and was a hoot on stage.  Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

Before the Awards Ceremony, Jill & Co. burned off the last of those three bottles of wine with some serous MomDancing before sitting back down to try and figure out the FIERCE point scoring system.

I guess they do things differently in Woodbridge, because whether you solo, duet or run with scissors everyone gets lumped into the same age category.

Since I don’t even understand the old system, don’t expect me to explain how this one works.  Even Melissa was all WTF and she has that whole horse racing book that she brings to every competition.

All that really matters is the ALDC somehow took the top two spots.  Maddie and Chloe tied for Second and the group pulled in First Place.

Abby was happy and told Kira that maybe…just maybe…Kalani could stick around for a few more weeks.

Unfortunately, since the ALDC girls Instagram every time they go to the mall for Frogurt, all of America already knows that Kalani is sticking around.  So that conversation was a little anti-climactic.  But we get the point.

Oh.  And P.S.

Kelly was arrested.  And she’s back next week.

I know, right?

Butt Glue.

a1

Dance Moms: If You’re Unhappy And You Know It, Slap Your Dance Teacher. There’s Big Trouble In The Big Apple.

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014

k

 

 

I just ripped this out of a little girl’s head. You seriously don’t think I won’t come for you next, lady?

 

 

j

 

 

Violence is never really the answer. Except for when shoes go on final markdown at Saks. Then it’s on, bitch.

 

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Oh. And then this totally happened.

 

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I’m pretty sure I remember seeing something in the contract about not throwing a beat down on the owner.

 

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Describe that crazy hair? Really? Just watch the damn show, dude. It’s on like 50 times a week.

 

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And THAT is why I got my new hair UP. Nobody’s grabbing any of my stuff. This s*** ain’t even paid for yet, mmkay?

 

gc

 

 

 

Don’t even tell me I’m being carjacked by a freakin’ Dance Mom. Really?

 

 

 

Sorry, kids.

No witty banter and clever intro.

The shizzle got Real in the Dance Moms hizzle this week and there’s way too much too much meaty goodness to digest to waste time casually segueing into the latest episode.

It all went down in New York City this week.  Just like TMZ said it did.

They were right back when they said Justin Bieber was a douchebag.

And they were right when they said it was ALDC Madness in Manhattan.

We got to see the strength of the human spirit during a crisis.  How some step up and take charge like a Boss.  How some freeze in their tracks like a Saturday morning cartoon.

And how some just continue to put on mascara like it’s another day at the office.

Yeah.  Loads to cover.  Get a snack.  It’s super long.

So blah blah blah.  Pyramid.

As everyone bounced into the studio for the weekly Pyramid of Shame, Fake Chloe #2 and her facially rejuvenated Mom Kim were clearly MIA.  Already.

That didn’t last very long now, did it?  One competition under their belt and they were gone before noon checkout at the Ramada.  Thanks for playing, tho.

I tried to act really surprised, but it came across more like Kim’s face.  So not so much.

Before the Big Reveal (…lemme guess…Maddie, maybe?…) Abby announced that instead of bringing one or two new stragglers into the mix, she had decided to create an entirely new Junior Elite Competition Team after completing this week’s final Open Call Auditions in Noo Yawk Citaay.

Say whaaa—?  A whole new team?

There were some eye rolls, jaw drops and the music they play on Survivor right before someone eats a jungle bug.  And then the bottom row.

Kendall, Nia, Mackenzie and Real Chloe were all in the basement.

jv

There was some discussion about issues with last week’s duet and some other sumthin sumthin, but all that really mattered was that Holly was rockin’ an extremely fresh, tight & right new Asia Monet Ray hair bun during one of those on-camera interview bits where they show her name and then she makes a funny HollyFace.

It’s been four years.  I think we know all the Moms’ names by now, thank you.

The Pyramid Mezzanine section was filled with nothing but Hylands as far as the eye could see.  Paige.  And Brooke.  And Brooke’s All That Jazz chair.

I’m trying to decide at what age people should stop asking a young girl to do more elaborate chair dance straddles.  Is there a rule?  I think 15 years old is still ok, but somewhere between 16 and Freshman Orientation at Pittsburgh U is when you should probably hope she grows out of it and gets a real job at the mall to help pay the bills.

Maybe that’s just me.  But for now, Abby wanted more and she wasn’t getting it.

She was getting more than enough attitude from Mom Kelly early on, though.  You just stay tuned for a few more minutes.

Top row of the Pyramid was Maddie.  I attempted another unsuccessful KimFace and then we all got the rundown on this week’s itinerary.

Paige and Brooke scored solos.  Paige and Chloe scored a duet.  Paige would also be participating in the group routine.  And then, to guarantee Paige a better chance at blacking out from complete exhaustion, the Hyland posse was also invited to New York City a day early to help assist with the Open Call Auditions.

Along with Chloe and Christi of course, because when those two on again/off again BFF Moms aren’t punching each other in the throat they always come as a matched set.

Somebody else in the room did some quick math and realized that Abby had left out four of the kids from the Sheer Talent Competition checklist, but it was a false alarm.

The remaining girls would all be staying local for an extra day or two and participating in the NUVO Dance Convention right there in Pittsburgh.

That’s how you spell it.  I checked.  Be careful, tho, because the first time I Googled it I spelled it wrong and ended up on a birth control website and now I think I have at least two of the side effects from not reading the directions on the box first.

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As the Moms all hit the MomPerch to have the same conversation they had last week, the rehearsal studio was rushed by two former AUDC finalists and then some serious cross-promotional pandemonium broke out.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition in the house, yo!

Kalani Hilliker and McKaylee True dropped down through the air ducts or broke through the plate glass window or something.  I don’t know how they got in.  But they got in.  And once they got past security they came stampeding into the room like the some Radio Disney boys were hiding under Abby’s Lane Bryant tunic.

For those of you with short term memory issues, Kalani was Abby’s favorite during last season’s AUDC run and McKaylee was the one with the Mom who wouldn’t shut up about being from Nebraska.

Turns out that Kalani would be doing a duet with Maddie at the upcoming NUVO Convention, so she was already in town.  They kind of skimmed over how McKaylee ended up in Pittsburgh, but she’s from Nebraska.  So there’s that.

The next day, all the Moms were back upstairs doing some kind of assembly line tailoring on matching pink costumes.  I still haven’t quite figured out why one week they get these fancy special order FedEx costumes for every dance and then the next week they’re all back up in the MomPerch weaving fabric on a loom so their kids don’t go on stage with sequins hot glued to their underwear.

I dunno.

During rehearsals, Paige was already filled with self-doubt and Brooke was missing one leg of her Purple Rain lace unitard.  And you don’t even want to get me started on Abby’s spray tan in that scene.

Seriously.  You don’t.

It was like that episode of Jersey Shore when Future Snooki came back to Seaside Heights and told Present Day Snooki to lay off the macaroons.

GTL in moderation.  Write it down somewhere so you don’t forget.

McKaylee’s from Nebraska, by the way.  Did we already cover that?

Then it was off to the Big Apple.  For Open Auditions.  And complete hysteria.

snookie

I’ve never seen so many screaming kids in onesie leotards in my life.  That had to have been way above New York State fire code.  Not to mention the rules regarding decibel limits for heavy metal concerts and construction demolition.

Seriously.  If I was working the Sheraton front desk and saw all those BunHeads piling out of a Greyhound I would have just left the room keys on the counter, turned in my name tag and hit the bar before they cut off my employee discount.

As you’ll recall, last time when Holly and Melissa accompanied Abby to Open Auditions, they got a swanky bake sale table and the Ziegler Zombies led the crowd in the group rehearsals.  This time around:  No table.  No rehearsals.  And the girls were even stripped of their ALDC logo tops.

It was right about now that someone plugged in the Kelly Keurig Coffee Maker and it started to percolate.  Is it getting hot in here?

One of the wannabe Moms mouthed off to Abby a little and talked some smack about Chloe, but it was nothing compared to the whack jobs in Atlanta so we can move on to the good stuff.

Like Showtime!  And Throw Down Time!

Sidenote: Please tell me you saw Mackenzie stop dead in her tracks and look back at some boys in the hallway when they arrived at the venue.  Oh Oh Spagetti-Os. Better keep an eye on that one, Melissa.

Paige and Brooke’s solos went just fine.  But if we’re being completely honest,  I can’t stand upside down on my neck with my legs split open like I’m uncorking a wine bottle with my head, so I don’t really know if Brooke nailed the form or not.

But from the couch it looked pretty good.

Throughout both performances, Abby trash talked the Hyland girls before sneaking off to meet Melissa in some hidden underground passageway where she spilled the beans that Kalani and Maddie’s NUVO duet might be making a surprise return in front of the judges.

Then all the Moms were in the freight elevator.  They spent a lot of time in the bowels of that building this week trying to figure out if Melissa knew whether or not the duet was happening.  And whether or not it would be judged and scored.  And whether or not Mom and Maddie were lying about any prior knowledge.

mom

Let’s be honest.  Seeing Jill just hanging out inside a freight elevator in stilettos was worth the price of admission.  It was like she was breaking into a Neiman Marcus through the loading dock or something.

The drama was intensifying.  So this calls for the Cliff Notes version of the recap: 

Chloe asked Maddie if she was doing the duet.  Maddie said No.  And then they performed the duet.  Which is the opposite of No.

Back in the makeup room, the confrontation got ugly.  Maddie lied.  No she didn’t.  Yes she did.  Mom flat out asked her if she lied.  No, I didn’t lie.  I was talking about the NUVO duet.  Chloe and Maddie aren’t friends anymore.  Yes you are, honey.  Apparently we’re not.  Why can’t someone invent lipstick that doesn’t get on your teeth?

Out of the blue, Abby then paraded in Kalani’s Mom Kira, who was still all half Cher and half Fake Kristie Ray just like back in her AUDC Days.  Not too much of an awkward moment there.

It was hard to tell how much Kira really knew about what was going on since she probably hadn’t even unpacked her stuff yet.  So we’ll cut her a little slack on this one since she looked a little dazed.

After Abby compared Brooke’s wonky chair dance to Kalani’s offer to hit the stage and improv a solo like a rockstar, the rest of the room all watched Kelly start to unravel.

Except for Nia.  Did you see her way in the back just putting on eye makeup like it was Picture Day at school?  I love that kid.  If TMZ is showing up, Hellz to the Yeah I’m gonna have my two coats of Maybelline on.  The camera don’t lie.

Plus, don’t forget that it’s the International Year of the Nia.

But back to Brooke.  Mom?  Any thoughts?  Well, maybe you should replace her.  Kira was trying to figure out wassup with this crazy bitch.  Abby was sitting there going See…See how she talks?

Kalani…are you in the group  number?  I don’t think so.  Do you even want to dance, Brooke?  Answer me.

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And then it happened.

Brooke sat there in dead silence wondering what happened to her phone while Abby tried to get a response out of her.  I just want your mother to stop talking for you.

Abby:  You’re 15 years old.  Grow the hell up.

Kelly:  Why don’t you shut the hell up?

It should probably be noted that throughout the entire screaming match Kelly was waving around one of those little Toddlers & Tiaras wiglets that made it look like she had just snatched somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot.  Just needed to be said.

Everybody got in everybody’s face.  Abby pointed.  Kelly pointed.  Abby tried to bite off Kelly’s finger like a State Fair corn dog.  Kelly pushed her finger into Abby’s cheek.

Wait for it.

Kelly slapped Abby.

Hard.  Not like on the Spanish channel telenovelas.  I mean a real chick fight one.  That you could hear over all the screaming.  And then Kelly lost her nutty and yanked Abby’s Lisa Marie Presley poof like she was trying to throw her to the ground in the middle of a WWE ring.

I know, right?  Whoa.

And then…chaos.

Luckily, Dr. Beyoncé was there and went into Flight Attendant Mode as soon as Kelly cracked Abby’s skull.  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls! Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!

She literally said it 4200 times.  I counted.

It actually sounds cooler if you sing it to the tune of the Beyoncé We Run The World song.  If they ever do a Dance Moms musical, I thought of it first.

Holly was pointing to the exits at the front and rear of the plane.  Oxygen masks were deploying from the ceiling.  The room tipped right and then left.  A rogue snack cart went rolling down the aisle.  Jill even put her head between her knees and covered her body with a Louis Vuitton pillow.  Melissa sent out a couple of texts.

Christi, on the other hand, just stood there motionless like she couldn’t remember where she had parked the car on Black Friday.  Not sure what that was all about.

Call the cops!  Assault! 500 pound hog!  More crying kids.  Holly all large and In Charge.

h

(Except for when she pushed Abby out of the way and ran out of the room ahead of her.  Please tell me you caught that.  Sistah ain’t no fool when the building’s on fire.)

All the Moms and kids huddled up in another one of the hidden catacomb rooms under the auditorium and shut the door in my face.  How rude.  I think the Phantom of the Opera guy even ran by in the background, but it was so fast I couldn’t be certain and the camera would never be able to find him with all those secret hallways.

Emotional scars and parental role modeling aside…what I really need to know is who was driving the getaway car?

Holly clearly has a Hall Monitor or two from her educational days working on the inside now, because she knew the cops were on their way before Abby even finished explaining to the 911 guy how Kelly gets her hair to look like that every day.

You can’t even make this stuff up.

You need to go now.  Go now.  Just go.  Trust me.  Go.  Through the back door and down this alley.  Hide in a dumpster until you hear two knocks.  Ditch your ID and you’re safe.

I don’t know what was going on, but some black SUV with no license plates suddenly squealed through the parking lot and Hyland & Co were gone before the Po Po even made it out of the station.  It was over.  Nothing to see here, people.

Oh, shoot.  Except we still had one more dance to perform.

The girls reblocked the group number.  And came in First Place.

Paige was no longer in the country, but her routine won 5th Place and Mackenzie stole her trophy right out of the MC’s hands.  Check the DVR.  She totally did and it was awesome.

Then some other kids won some other stuff.  But it really didn’t matter at this point.

The damage was done.

Dance Girls.  Dance Girls.  Whatcha gonna do?

Next week:  The Fallout.

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