Posts Tagged ‘Dianna “Miss D” Williams’

Bring It!: Is It Getting Hot In Here Or Is It Just Me? The Dancing Dolls Feel The Miami Heat When YCDT Returns.

Saturday, January 24th, 2015

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Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé

 

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Well, hello there Mister Blue Gummy Worm. Who left you lying ’round here? Don’t mind if I do…

 

 

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Clearly there’s no 5 Second Rule in Miami, cuz I swear she ate that thing right off the floor.

 

 

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I said stop pounding the door and dissin’ my Destiny’s Child. Michelle Williams is EVERYthing, Boo.

 

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That newbie just lucky this is sewn in or it’d be time for a Public Service Announcement.

 

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Pull up to this bumper, boyz.

 

 

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Oh. Hell. Nah.

 

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Lawd, my eyes are on fiyah from all this smoke. Has anyone seen my new bag of Gummy Worms?

 

 

 

DD4L!

And DDP!  And even BDD!  Finally.

All your favorite elite world of hip-hop majorette competition shizzle is finally back in the Dollhouse Dance Factory hizzle, yo.  Miss D and the Mamas have returned.

Bring It! is back.  And it’s about buckin’ time.

Season Two just kicked off and as soon as Dianna Williams & Company hit the studio floor (…and sidewalk…) they were all werking and twerking and pattin’ and snatchin’ without skipping a beat.  Srsly.  How much did we miss this show?

Love.

Now that the Dancing Dolls are f’real too legit to quit TV stars after a breakout freshman year, everything got a fresh coat of paint this week.  Opening credits were shinier, they popped a new filter on the confessional one-on-one MamaMoments, the girls all got updated Stand Battle costumes and…like any good First Day of School…everyone got new kicks and a fresh weave.

But, as the Dolls quickly realized, being media darlings doesn’t mean you can skip out on practice.  Especially when Dianna got right down to bidnezz as soon as those aforementioned shiny credits finished rolling.  Some hairstyles may have changed over the hiatus, but not the message of the show:  Hard work is still required to reach your goal.

Beginning with an outside team staircase drill leading to some big town hall-looking building that was either a library, courthouse or police station.  Since I try to avoid all three at all costs, I’m not really sure where they were.  But they ran up and down the stairs a few times anyway, in an odd DD4L style that was kind of a cross between that scene in Rocky and the time that big girl got bad DNA results on The Maury Show and took off out the front door wearing only one shoe.k

Kayla don’t exercise.  She put that disclaimer right out there.

This week, as part of the Dolls’ national a** kicking tour, they were headed down the road a few miles to the Bring It To The Floor Competition in Vicksburg, MI for a second face-off with one of their newest and most (…pastel and primary…) colorful rivals.  And Dianna could already feel the heat.

The Miami Heat, y’all.

Dat’s rite.  The YCDT SupaStarz were coming back looking for a second win against the Dolls, but Miss D wasn’t gonna let that happen.  Nope.  Handing over another win to Coach Traci Young-Byron wasn’t an option.  Not after last time.

You remember Traci, right?  She’s that skinny ball of Miami Sound Machine energy who looks exactly like the Love Child of Grace Jones and a #2 pencil eraser.

Girl is hyper.

As the Dolls grabbed a few bananas to prevent any post-Maury Show cramping, we scooted down to Miami for a quick check on Traci and her team, who were already hard at work creating new Stands in their attempt to overthrow the Dollhouse once again.

Just a YCDTFYI:  All the dancers look exactly the same.  Exactly.  Same body type.  Same height.  Apparently, they exercise ALL the time and Suck It In so Traci doesn’t have to look at what they just ate, even though I think that would actually have the opposite effect if you really think about it for a few minutes.

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They also all have the same Olympic ice skater bob hair cuts.  And the same faces.  Probably even the same eye color.  Like Traci is breeding them in a Top Secret government-run YCDT underground laboratory below the building or something.

And was I the only one who noticed that Traci’s studio looks exactly like that store that only sells candles, wine glasses with hand painted rims and home made bars of soap that you cut like Cracker Barrel cheese?

I forget the name of the store, but every town has one.  And that’s where Traci and her team practice now that the store went out of business.  Because, I mean…how many bars of Rain Forest glycerin soap does one person really need in their lifetime?

Shopping tip:  If your town’s store is still open, buy the soap last before you go home because otherwise it’s all you smell all day while you’re at the mall.

But I digress.

Tracy’s Secret Weapon for this competition: BOYZ.

Stay tuned.

Back home in Jackson, Miss D and the girls were also busting a move or two getting ready for Vicksburg.  Including a new Doll in the mix, ZaTia.

Side note:  Don’t take the drug Zetia if you’re already taking Prevalite or Questran because it could do bad stuff to you.  Trust me.  I had never even heard of Zetia before, but my Macbook kept flubbing the new Doll’s name to Zetia’ so many times that I finally Googled it just to see what all the excitement was about.

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Now you know I loooove me some DD4L, but this show is an autocorrecting nightmare.  Can’t we have just one kid named ‘Sally’ so I can finish these recaps in under 8 hours?

But I digress.  Again.

ZaTia is a cutie who just got bumped up from the Baby Doll ranks and was now hoping to play with the Big Dawgz.  She wore one of those hats that Selena Gomez used to wear before Justin Bieber f***d up her brain as she explained how much harder it is to dance on the varsity team.   Since I always have a soft spot for fellow orthodontically challenged tweens (…being a former TinGrin myself…) we liked her right away.

At least we did for the ten minutes before Dianna cut her from the team.

Outside on the sidewalk, though, is where the party really starts each week.

You know dat.

DDP!  The Mamas were back!  Mimi, Selena, Rittany and Tina were all present and accounted for, as well as ZaTia’s Mom Sally.

Kidding.  It was Tawantza.

Love.  Me.  Some.  Mamas.

Even new girl Tawantza, who’s every Beyoncé other Beyoncé word Beyoncé was Beyoncé something Beyoncé about Beyoncé.   No lie.

Her daughter was going to be the next Beyoncé.  You can’t have Destiny’s Child without Beyoncé.  She bought the crazy Hawaiian shirt she was wearing from a store that had a photo of Beyoncé taped to the cash register.  Beyoncé.

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And did we mention Beyoncé?

Even the original Beyoncé wannabe Selena was all like ‘dial it down, girlfriend…’ though they did bond in an odd First Year Of College Mom kind of way, which made me smile.

And then ZaTia got cut.  Tawantza lost her noodle and pounded on the glass window.  Mimi ran for the hills.  Dianna came out and lost a much bigger and much louder noodle.  And then the new kids drove off into the sunset before the first commercial break.

But they’ll be back, because…you know.  The whole Destiny’s Child thing.

Beyoncé.

Side note: While Dianna and Tawantza were all up in each other’s grill, did you see the four Original Recipe Moms just chillaxing back by the window?  They totally looked like one of those TLC girl groups that used to be on MTV all the time.  I just forget which one.

Bonus Points for all the new weaves being on point.  And for remaining attached throughout the first fight of the season.

Next thing you know, we were over at Kayla’s house making I-don’t-know-what in the electric skillet.  She and Tina were having a Heart2Heart mother/daughter moment about college and life and growing up.  And cheese grits, I think.  It was nice to see.

Unfortunately, I was a little distracted by all those Doritos bags (…Tina does like her Shuffle Snacks…) and that Paul Revere sauce pot she was using to rustle up their grub.

Srsly?  Put that thang on eBay, gurrrrl.  It’s probably vintage.

I love the real bond between all the Moms and their daughters on the show.  Gives me the fuzzies every time.  So many Feels for a Friday night.

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Cute Overload Warning:  Next day, back at the Dollhouse, Dianna and the gang were putting the final touches on their own Secret Weapon.  The Baby Dolls were taking part in the final Stand, along with the one boy they found in Jackson who also had pencil eraser hair.  Dianna was pulling out her entire arsenal this week.

The Plan:  While the BDDs were doinking around doing their Chuck E. Cheese ball pit bounces, one of Dianna’s male choreographers was going to come out dressed as Grace Jones and get run over by a BDDPD car.

I see what you’re doing there, Miss D.

Honestly, you could just have the Baby Dolls come out and lay on the floor reading My Little Pony comic books and I’d be fine with that.

They.  Are.  Awesome.

Kayla got a little frustrated with their short attention spans and Dianna noted that the BDDs don’t always use common sense, but since most of them don’t even know how to use a telephone yet, much less common sense, Imma gon’ cut them some slack.

Because.  They.  Are.  Awesome.

And then the freakin’ YCDT freakin’ tour bus pulled right up to the bumper (…second chance on the Grace Jones song reference.  Anyone catch it or am I getting too old?…) and everyone from Miami poured out onto the Dance Factory sidewalk to cause trouble.

Traci had some crazy a** blue lipstick on and carried her colored handbag in the crook of her arm like a Real Housewife.  Those were the only two real takeaways from that scene since she didn’t get the rise out of Dianna that she had expected.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

Disclaimer:  So we don’t have any more hate mail this year, can we just come to an understanding that I DO know what all those shower caps are used for, but at some point in the near future I will probably still make shower cap jokes?  And more weave jokes.

Definitely weave jokes.  Thank you.  Moving on.

Oh.  And the Walgreen’s bags.  Almost forgot those.  Those are fair game, too.

Traci and her team came into the venue already wired for sound.  Something tells me that she had already helped herself to a few handfuls of those blue Gummy Worms that she kept scarfing down later on during the performance.

As Miss D led the Prayer Circle, her LadyBoy choreographer was giving enough full makeup Grace Jones Drag Queen Realness to make me bow my own head for a second and give thanks to the holy RuPaul. 

Both teams hit the floor with a vengeance.  Boom.  Boom.  Bam.  And Pow.

The crowd went wild.  The Mamas went wilder.  I swear they were wound tighter than Rittany’s new ‘do.

YCDT had tutus and boyz all over the place.  The Dolls had attitude.  And Mimi, who temporarily broke Twitter by saying something about dancing boys and football in the same sentence.

Did I mention that Mimi was just as crazy as ever this week?  Cuz she wuz.

And she’s my girl.  Hooty Hoo, baby.  Hooty Hoo.

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The SupaStarz’s final Stand was an elaborate construction site looking thing where all the girls attempted to build themselves up into a giant pyramidal contraption until the top girl slipped and fell off on top of the other girls.

Ouch.  Nobody got seriously hurt, which was good.  And they probably lost a few points for face planting, which was even better if you’re Team DD4L.

By the time the Dolls rolled out their Secret Weapon chariot and all those bouncing Baby Dolls, the crowd and I were running in circles.

It was like the best Andy Warhol night at Studio 54 ever.

Think about it.  Grace Jones twirling all over the floor being fabulous.  Costumed babies booty popping to club remixes.  Somebody pulling a fire extinguisher and hosing down the dance floor.  Smoke everywhere.  Even the cops showed up in a fully charged Barbie corvette covered in DD4L stickers to raid the place and shut it down.

But nobody stopped dancing.

At least not until the Dolls took First Place and got their revenge against YCDT.

You heard me.  First Place.

But we haven’t felt the last of that Miami Heat.  You can be sure of it.

For now, though, it was back to Jackson to celebrate.

Because Bring It! finally brung it back this week.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: Back Dat Bus Up. Dianna And The Dolls Take A DD4L Road Trip And Host Some Buckin’ Sweet Bootcamps.

Saturday, October 4th, 2014

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Then she just starts wailing in tongues all like ‘Hooty Hoo and Boo Damn Boo.’ Who talks like that? Dat shiz just cray.

 

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Cuz I called it first, that’s why. Next time we play Baywatch someone else can be Pam Anderson.

 

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You gonna eat that?

 

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Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm!

 

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I’m pretty sure the song goes ‘Save a horse. Ride a DDP.’

 

 

 

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Wait. What?

 

 

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The hellz dat?

 

 

 

 

Hooty Hoo!  Hooty Hoo!

This is your final boarding call.

Pat yo’ weave and pack yo’ bags, cuz we’re going on a road trip.

But not just any road trip.  No ma’am.  This one’s big.

This is The DD4L Road Trip.  

And if you’re lucky, maybe Bring It! will bring it to your town someday.

It certainly took ‘em long enough, but after 21 episodes somebody at Lifetime finally listened to me and made this thing two hours.  And that didn’t even include travel time as Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls hit the highway to spread some bucking majorette cheer to hundreds of their southern fans.

After taking both the hip hop and non-hip hop world by storm this year, Miss D and the Dolls weren’t quite ready for a break after last week’s finale.  AwHellNah.  Instead, they loaded up the wagon with Mamas and Daughters and got the heck outta Dodge for a few days to offer some intensive three-day bootcamps to their most hyper DDFs.

(Dancing Dolls Fans.  I just made that up.)

First Stop:  Atlanta.

The capital of Georgia is about a 6 hour bus ride from the Dollhouse Dance Factory in Jackson, which apparently was just enough time for someone to give Seloncé a haircut.

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Because that totally happened.  Really.

Somehow Seloncé got on the bus in Jackson with her long ombre WannaBeyoncé hair and got off the same bus in Atlanta with a stylishly on-trend bob.  I swear.  I didn’t ask, but I do feel bad for the Lifetime editor who lost his job on that little bit of post-production.

I heart Sunjai‘s Mama, tho.  She’s crazy.  So crazy that sometimes I want to cut my own hair when she talks…but I love her.  How can you not?

And speaking of crazy.  As the bus pulled into the Peach State, all I really kept hoping was that the DDP Mamas would be greeted by the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Shut.  Up.  Can you even imagine?  My head would probably explode.

And don’t even get me started on  NeNe Leakes meeting those stinky diva Olive Branch ladies.  Close yo’ puppet legs to married men.

Dead.

To earn their free round-trip tickets, the Mamas all had to work check-in at the venue, which went about as smoothly as you would imagine it would go when Seloncé and It’s Rittany Bitch ended up sharing the same folding table in Atlanta.

You need to put a sticker on that.  You need to kiss my a**.  You need to do your job.  You need to come a little closer so I can rip out the rest of that new haircut.

Love.

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Side note:  There must have been at least 500 red DD4L tee shirts on the tables and in plastic Target bins and being airdropped onto the front lawn of the school like Unicef care packages.  And yet not one size Medium?  For me?  Seriously?  After 21 blog recaps?

Aside from an amazing opportunity for the fans to meet the Dolls, learn their moves and get a free tee shirt (…so do I have to put it on a tee shirt just to get a tee shirt?…) the workshops were also intended to be a competition between Sunjai, Crystianna, Camryn and Kayla.  The Diva Dream Team. 

Each Doll would have a team of girls to train and then on the third and final day, would go into battle against the other Dolls’ teams.  This would give everyone a chance to work on their leadership skills and prove to Miss D that they were worthy of their own spot on the team…and maybe even Kayla’s captain position when she graduated.  Hint.

But Atlanta is no different than Jackson.  Rules are rules.

NO Mamas allowed in the Dollhouse.  (Tina:  “Bissshhhh Whaaaaaa??!?”)  So it was back to the hotel to chillax as Dianna got the workshop rolling.

But before the Mamas could unleash all those bathing suit bodies on an unsuspecting public, someone decided to give Mimi a haircut in the elevator on the way down to the pool.  I swear.

Seriously.  How does this keep happening?

At the pool, Seloncé had a quick prayer and moment of silence for Rittany’s awesome bathing suit and lobster trap net/booty wrap cover-up combo and then tried to get a tan from the Ramada’s overhead fluorescent bulbs.

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(Do you really think she thought she was outside?  I don’t even know anymore…)

Everyone was getting rowdy.  My girl Tina pushed Mimi and her fresh new ‘do into the pool and got her hair wet (…Gurrrl, which is something even I know you don’t do…you just don’t…) but did manage to rescue her with an oversized version of that scoop thing they use when you buy goldfish at Petco.

Lawd.  Mim when she gets wet.

You ever drop a half dozen cats into a bathtub?  All at once?  No?  Try it now.  I’ll still be here when you come back from the emergency room.

Back at bootcamp, all of the team captains were working their girls hard and Dianna was impressed.  Do it or get cut.  Even quiet, shy Crystianna was getting it done, albeit in a slightly more Disney-ized voice than her peers.  (Srsly.  I think she talked more in this episode than the last 21 combined.)

In retrospect, the cartoon voice was probably due to the swollen tonsils which eventually ended her up in the hospital.  The poor little nugget was hurting, so she was removed from the competition and sent to Atlanta’s Mercy Hospital for free ice cream.

As a temporary fix, Miss D replaced the MIA Crystianna with former co-captain Caleda.

No clue who she was, but she seemed nice.  And I liked her big hoop earrings.  I bet they flap in every which way direction if you try and get all up in her grill, mmmkay?

The competition show was crazy.  Cra.  Zee.

People everywhere.  Millions of them.  So many that the cops had to take over crowd control to get everyone in their seats.

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And it was hot.  Really hot.  Inside and outside.  So hot that people were getting the vapors and passing out and going down the sidewalk in ambulance stretchers and laying all over the floor like a crime scene.

One lady with a blurred out secret identity face even started talking in Tongues and putting some kind of voodoo curse on Mimi for not sending me a tee shirt.

Side note:  Mimi.  Freaked out by someone talking crazy.  Think about the irony for a moment or two.  Hilarious.

I mean, I love Mimi so much already that I can’t even imagine how much more I would love her if I had a clue what she was actually saying most of the time.

Hooty Hoobee Doobee Boo Damn Hoo Scooby Doo, girlfriend.  Muah.

When it was all over, Camryn beat Kayla for the Win.

Dat’s my baby!  Dat’s my baby!  MimiTongue.  MimiTongue.

Suck on that, APAC.

Next Stop:  Nashville.

And the Booty Store.  Or Boot Store.  It was hard to tell.

Tina, Mimi and Seloncé wanted to immerse themselves in the local flavor by picking out some western footwear down at Boot Country and it was pretty much the best Tennessee HoeDown ThrowDown evah.

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Mimi busted out the ‘Spank A Cowboy’ dance that scored Drew Lachey three perfect ’10s’ on Dancing With The Stars while Tina and Seloncé tried squeezing their wide widths into some colorful Durangos.  Laughing.  Screaming.  Some MimiTongue and even a few flashbacks.

What?  What?  What?  Put that thing back on yo’ head.  Oh you got hair now.

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Three.  Hours.

Let’s be honest.  When Tina plopped a cowboy hat on top of all that whacky red weave it totally looked like one of those caps you buy at the State Fair that come with the hair already attached.  And it gave me life, I tell you.  LIFE.

And Love.

After immersing themselves in the local flavor, the Mamas decided to apply some more of it directly to their faces down at Jack’s Bar-B-Que.  Except Seloncé, of course, who opted for nibbling on her ribs with a fork and knife.  Something which you should never do in front of Tina.

Cuz my girl knows her ribs.

Just pick up the damn meat and do whatchoo gotta do.

Slurp.  Smack.  Suck.

You might wanna put that on a tee shirt, bitch.

This time around, Kayla won the bootcamp battle before the Dolls all headed off to meet the Titans cheerleaders.

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Let’s just say they don’t Buck much in Tennessee and leave it at that.

Final Stop:  Detroit.

Crystianna was back!  And so was Rittany, much to Seloncé’s chagrin.  Especially when the two Mamas started getting all territorial over the tiny hotel bathroom.  Seloncé even suggested that maybe Rittany could take a load off and just sleep on the couch.

The couch.  I swear that woman has a death wish.  Hope it wasn’t too noisy sleeping in the hallway after Rittany dumped her out on the floor along with yesterday’s USA Today.

Slam.  Lock.  Do Not Disturb.

It was the final bootcamp battle, and none of the girls were playing.  It was ON.

The Shy One vs. The Underdog vs. The Wannabe Captain vs. The SuperStar.  Four friends that turned into competitors as soon as the music started pumping.

Camryn underestimated Sunjai’s will to live and fell in battle, as did Crystianna when she faced down Kayla.

Then it all came down to Sunjai vs. Kayla in the last Stand of the Tour.

David vs. Goliath.

Side note:  Has Dianna always walked like Bette Midler or is this a new thing?  Because Miss D was totally channeling the Divine Miss M every time she shuffled around the slippery gym floor in those stilettos.  Maybe housekeeping had just buffed out the parquet.

Safety first.

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Sunjai had the Power of the Underdog in her (…and even a life-size cardboard cut-off cheering her on from the sidelines, which wasn’t creepy at all…) but it still wasn’t enough to beat the Mighty Kayla.

In the end, the Captain proved that she was still the Captain.

But really, everybody won a little sumthin sumthin.  Just like they do every week.

The DDs learned how to be leaders and build confidence in both themselves and others.

The DDFs got a sweet Certificate of Completion that made me so jealous I wanted to push Mimi back in the pool again.

The DDPs got some quality bonding time and enough memories, souvenir footwear and calories to last a lifetime.

And Dianna got another proud moment with her girls, which is what it’s all about in the end.  Because that’s how they do down at the Dollhouse.

Can’t believe it’s over.  For now, anyway.

There’ll be a void in our Wednesday nights until Season Two starts up.

More time for me to practice my Stand Battle moves, I guess.  I need to be prepared for the next Road Tour.  Just in case.

Season Two is gonna be bucking’ awesome, I can tell already.

Till then…

DD4L!

tbdd

Dance Moms: It’s All Going Down In Tinsel Town When Abby Lee And The ALDC Hit Hollywood For Nationals.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014

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OMG! A solo? If I can just keep Mom from Street Fighting for four more days, I totally got this.

 

 

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For the last time… Jet Blue lost one of my suitcases. That’s why I’m not wearing any pants. Now get off my a**, woman.

 

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If I hear ‘Girl Party’ one more time I swear I’m gonna twist your head all the way around.

 

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Duh. I could totally win SYTYCD if it wasn’t on past my bed time. I’m talking Hollywood, baby.

 

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Trust me, honey. I saw this once on Star Trek. After you black out you won’t remember anything.

 

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Imma need you to hold my big pink flower so I can show these little apple boys how we do.

 

 

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Yo, Jimmy. Srsly. Why the hell this kid not on my show yet? She’s buck.

 

 

 

 

Trivia!

A little timeline on the Hollywood Sign for you.

In 1923 when it was built, it originally spelled out ‘Hollywoodland.’

In the early 1940s, Albert Kothe (…the sign’s official caretaker…) was driving drunk when he knocked down the letter ‘H‘ right before sending his Ford Model A over a cliff.

In 1949 the City of Los Angeles Parks Department put the ‘H‘ back up and got rid of the ‘land’ part because that didn’t make sense anymore.

In 1978, nine private donors gave a total of $250,00 to sponsor replacement of the entire dilapidated sign.  They put up new letters made out of steel and restored an iconic West Coast image back to its original splendor.

And then, in 2014, Abby Lee Miller came to town and by the first day I’m pretty sure the whole thing had already fallen over.  Dance Moms: Hollywood Here We Come.

Nationals.

I know, right?  Already.  How’d that one sneak up on us?

No idea.  But it did.  And it’s here.  So now it’s buh bye, Pittsburgh…hello, LA.

New York, New York:  So nice they named it twice.

The ALDC in Hollywood:  So much drama they made it a two parter.

And the whole gang came along for the ride.  Almost.

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The Original Recipe Elite Team (…aka ‘Old Team’…) was all accounted for and already lined up in formation as this week’s episode began, because the only thing better than a Pyramid of Shame is a Pyramid of Shame that’s on West Coast time.

Dat’s rite.  Now you can get your humiliation three hours earlier, kids!

But before they actually accomplished anything, the Select Team (…aka ‘New Team’…) stormed the room like Mother/Daughter bulldozers and took their own on again/off again spots right up there in front of Abby.  The entire ALDC 2.0 contingent showed up, with the noticeable exception of Jeannette, Ava and Tami‘s pants.

I didn’t expect to see Jeanette and Ava.  Remember when Abby kicked them both off the team (…Spoiler Alert: Or did she?…) a few weeks ago because Ava kept sitting on her Mom’s lap like that Marmaduke dog from the comic strips?

Now I’m not saying that Ava looks like a Great Dane.  I’m saying that she reminds me of those big dogs who still think they’re puppies and insist on climbing up into your lap whenever they get upset and don’t get off until your legs go numb.  That’s what I meant.

Relax.

As for Miss TammyNoPants?  I have no explanation for that one.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m TeamTami all the way.  But Lawd…Booty Booty E’rrywhere.

Put some pants on, woman.  There’s kids in the car.

Right away, Holly got all AwHellNahWeDon’tNeedThemUpInHereand I made a mental note to myself to Google which Universities still offer Doctorates in Feisty.hn

Dr. Beyoncé earned that PhD, mmkay?  Snap.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Chloe, MackZ and Nia.  Chloe had missed out on last week’s performance due to her busted up foot, so she was in the basement by default.  MackZ was still having trouble getting that MackenzieBoo Monkey off her back and got scolded for being too silly.  And Nia had done good last week, but not MayaGood.

Middle Turf was held down by Kendall and Kamryn.

Side note:  I may need to rethink my ‘No Headband’ policy.  Nia and the KiaKamster were both rocking the head gear and I feel like I might be missing out on a trend.  If nothing else, shiny headbands seem to distract your eye from any snarky smirks on a new ALDC dancer’s face when she swipes a solo from a veteran ALDC dancer.

Almost, I mean.

(Oh, yeah.  I saw that, Kamryn.  I saw that smile.)

But we love Kamryn.  Especially since I know that she’s smart enough to hack into this website and find out where I live.

And Maddie was on top.  Even though she didn’t dance last week.

Honestly, I can’t even remember if she was there last week.  I know I saw her on my TV, but I have no clue if it was Dance Moms, Dancing With The StarsThe Tonight Show, The Ellen Show, The Wendy Williams Show or that Larry King thing nobody can seem to find on cable or the internet.

Wait.  Larry King.  What about headbands AND suspenders?  Thirty seconds ago I’m behind the curve and now I’m already ahead of a trend.  Score.j1

This week, aside from prepping for Nationals (..because, you know…they’re here…) the Maddie and MackZ Publicity Train would be pulling into the Hollywood and Highland Complex with a promotional sumthin sumthin that involved DJs, cameras, crowd control and a pink table that got me all excited because I thought they might be selling Girl Scout cookies.

Abby was gonna pimp the bejeebers out of these girls while they were all in California.

The.  Bejeebers.

At Nationals, the Old Team would be performing a group routine entitled ‘Amber Alert’ while the New Team would stick to a more traditional ‘Hollywood Stars’ kinda thing.

Kendall, Chloe and Kamryn all scored solos.  There were cheers and headband smirks all around the room.  Holly and Nia made some solid arguments concerning seniority and loyalty when it comes to handing out solos, but Abby wasn’t having it right now.

(I hope that Doctorate program is available at Community Colleges, because unless Lifetime starts coughing up coins for this blog, I’ll never be able to afford Harvard.)

Side note:  I love how Christi always carries around doctor’s notes and a full set of x-rays like she’s on-call at Shriner’s Hospital.  She cracks me up.

No solo for Maddie this week, which she and Mom Melissa took with just a shrug and a whatevah.  Hmmm.  Hold that thought till next week, because right now Maddie was off to see Jimmy Kimmel and do the weather report on the Today Show.  Latah, suckahs.

t

Oh.  BTW.  This fall, Abby will be opening her first west coast studio:  ALDCLA.

Did I forget that part?  It’s kind of a big deal.

I guess I was distracted by that gigantic red box with no postage or address label that somehow just got delivered to Abby.  Granted, the “Bite Me. Cathy.” was a pretty good clue as to who sent the thing over, but still.

And then Jeanette and Ava showed up.

Srsly?  How many things were in the back of that delivery truck, anyway?  I though you weren’t supposed to put real people back there unless they’re being kidnapped?  How else would those two even know where to go?  Did Jeanette really figure out Abby’s exact location in the state of California yet not realize that Ava hasn’t gotten an ALDC check for the last two weeks?  Maybe she picked up the metal in Kamryn’s headband on some kind of crazy Dance Mom Radar or something.  I didn’t ask.

After stripping Ava of her ALDC track jacket (…thankfully allowing her to keep her ALDC sports bra since this is/was a family show…) Abby kicked them both off the team for the 17th time and they were gone in under 45 seconds.

That was one expensive flight to LA, sistah.  F’realz.

As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms all wandered aimlessly looking for their missing MomPerch, we scooted over to some building that had ‘Nappy’ in part of the logo to see what the Candy Apples were up to.

Answer:  No Good.

Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Evil Dance Lair had once again spun their Magic Revolving Door Of Choreographers and this week it spit out another new face.

Chehon Wespi-Tschopp from So You Think You Can Dance!

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He won his season!  Good for him.  And I just have to type his last name and not actually say it out loud.  Really good for me!  And he’s cute.  Cathy likes to bring the cute.

She also brought along a bootleg cassette tape of Sia‘s song Chandelier (…yeah…the one from Jimmy Kimmel…der…) and was going to use it as the music for the CADC group number.

Oooh, gurl.  You nasty.

Back at the non-Nappy studio, the Moms couldn’t take the suspense any longer and tore into that mystery box from Cathy only to find one of those bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandeliers (…packed with no bubble wrap, whaa-?…) that had some of the votives replaced with red apples.

(Seriously.  If I have to break this one down for you…just…just go.)

There was also a lot of MamaDrama about Maddie receiving a top secret private rehearsal that was somehow caught on security camera footage.  A private rehearsal caught on camera for a solo that she wasn’t even doing at Nationals.  Hmmm.

Then Cathy showed up to hand deliver the bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…seriously…figure it out…it’s code for something…) directly to Abby, who was eating a banana at the time.  Apparently she color coordinates her food with her plastic accessories now.  I was not aware.

We’re certainly getting a lot of fashion scoops this week, aren’t we?

After a few requisite monkey jokes, Cathy pointed out that Christi looked like a giant booger and then wished everyone a pleasant afternoon.sch

Wait.  What?

Next thing you know, the same bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…last hint…) got dragged around the building one more time by nosey Christ-y with a ‘Y’ which for some reason made little Sarah burst into tears.  That’s kind of her thing lately.

Tami tried to console her while Abby and Christ-y screeched at each other, but the combination of non-stop high pitched yelling and a stranger in booty shorts stroking her head made Sarah completely lose her nutty.  Again.

Eventually, even tiny Sarah realized that she had been living the movie Groundhog Day for the last six months and that it was probably time to go.  And then they were gone.

Again.

Side note:  Did anyone else see how fast Kendall turned and walked in the opposite direction when she stumbled on Jill (…straw hat…love…) and the rest of the Moms grilling Gia about all of Abby’s sketchiness?  In the background?  When she walked by and then saw what was going on and took off so fast that she left skid marks on the floor like she was doing donuts in a Kmart parking lot?

Peace out.  I keep telling you…them Vertes Girls are smart ones, y’all.

Finally, it was Hollywood and Highland time!

And it was a mob scene.  Screaming kids and wannabe Dance Moms everywhere.  And it was all emceed by Hip-Hopper E-Baby from the Penn Point Dance Academy.

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Not gonna lie.  At first I thought Abby introduced him as being from West Point and I thought, my…how progressive our military has become.

Don’t Tap.  Don’t Tell.

He showcased his hip hop kids and then accepted Abby’s impromptu offer to teach at the new ALDCLA.

And then the Candy Apples showed up, strutting across the mall catwalk and getting all Ohio gangstah on the crowd until E-Baby challenged everyone to a Dance-Off.

Cuz that’s how Lifetime do, yo.  Dance-Offs.

Except for Abby, who doesn’t actually dance…because, you know.  She just stood off to the side of the stage, backing dat thang up while Cathy kinda shimmied like the Mother of the Bride.  Cathy was carrying around an apple-shaped clock that would have been much more visually effective if she had worn it on a giant neck chain like Flava Flav.

Beef Jerky Boyeeeeee!

And the rest of the Moms?  Well they just got jiggy wid it.

Go, Jill.  Go, Jill.

(Props to Holly, too.  Ever since that whole Toddy Rockstar music video thing she’s a little bit of a freak at the PTA meetings.)

Each ALDC kid smacked down on a CADC kid.  And then they went group vs. group.

But all that really matters are two takeaways from the whole thing.

One…that little McKenzie Morales kid is spunky.  Clearly created in a lab using DNA scraped from the inside of Asia Monet Ray‘s sippy cup, McKenzie slapped all those other girls back into yesterday.h2

Booyeah.  It ain’t just salsa in that bottle, lemme tell you.

And two…Sasha Nia.

What the what?  Where did all that sass come from, girlfriend?

Off.  The.  Hook.

Even Mom was all like Dat’sMyBabyGettingAllKrunkUpThere!WhoKnew!

Nia was on fiyah.  Fi.  Yah.  Splits and Death Drops and Is That All You Gots? all over the stage.  She even whipped her weave right in some poor kid’s face until he cried.

Right in the kid’s face.  I swear.  Like they do on Bring It!

I was up off the couch snatching my own weave she got so thug.

Side note:  If you don’t watch Bring It! you won’t understand the Awesomeness That Was Nia.  That…and we can’t be friends.  Ever.

Asia: The Sequel won the solo competition, but the ALDC took the group improv title.

Beat ‘em on stage.  Beat ‘em in the street.  In yo’ face, Candy Apples.

Luckily, before it escalated into an actual street battle, everyone headed back to their hotel rooms for some sleep.

Because…you know.

It’s Nationals, baby.

Time to focus.

tbc


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