Posts Tagged ‘Dianna “Miss D” Williams’

Bring It!: When The Baby Dolls Return To Battle The Baby Tigerettes Again, You Might Wanna Call Your Mama.

Friday, August 29th, 2014




I need you to stop crying and bring your juice box over to that lady lying on the floor behind me.







Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.







Lawd, please don’t let me break a hip. Or a nail when I slap that crazy bitch.







Yeah. Imma need you to hold my hoops cuz Meerkat Mimi ’bout to come out the damn hole.






It’s Mighty Tiny Power Rangers Morphin’ Time! Cute-o-sauras!






The forecast says Storm Mimi ’bout to move in. And she’s gonna make it rain up in here, y’all.







Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.







Let’s just say my Bake Sale Nissan ain’t the only pretty thing with sweet stuff in the trunk.




Yo Mama.

Or should I say…Whoa, Mama.

Lawd have mercy, Bring It! brought it this week.

And it was super-sized and pint-sized all at the same time.

After 16 episodes of back-to-buck competitions (…see what I did there?…) it looked like the Dancing Dolls were finally going to get a week off to catch their breath and finish Instagraming their prom pictures.  Or at least some of them would.

The Big Ones, anyway.

Which meant that it was time for Coach Dianna Williams to activate the tiniest troops and send them into Stand Battle.  And time for me to squeal like an excited little girl.

Dat’s rite.  The Baby Dancing Dolls were back in the hizzle!

Full disclosure.  Before the opening credits even finished rolling, I was already running in circles just knowing that the ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’ Babies were back.

Because they are straight up awesome.  Awe.  Some.

But let’s start at the beginning.  Which was outside on some Jackson park bench somewhere as Miss D met up with everyone’s favorite neighborhood SnoopDawg Mimi to have some Starbucks, fill her in on all the deets and speak in some language that I had never heard before.

Which totally happened.


As soon as Dianna sat down next to Mimi she noticed some big ol’ bug on Mimi’s top lip and then the whole thing just turned into a Lucy and Ethel Moment that even my complete Rosetta Stone box set couldn’t help me decipher.

Remember back when you were on the grammar school playground and you made up a secret language that only you and your BFF could understand?  It was like that.  But also kind of like those Gremlins you were never supposed to feed after midnight.  And a little bit like something from the original Star Trek that I just couldn’t put my finger on.

Hilarious.  Especially when the bug jumped from Mimi’s lip to Dianna’s lap.  I could tell that they were both freaking out, especially when Miss D ran down the block trying to escape what I assume was probably just a mosquito.

I have no idea what they were saying.  But I also have no idea how big the bugs in Jackson really are, so maybe the panic was justified.

But let’s face it.  When Mimi completely F***s up your closed captioning within the first 3 minutes of an episode, you just know it’s gonna be a good show.

Since the Original Recipe Dolls were going to be chilling out this week, the BDDs AND the DDP Mamas would be the ones competing in front of the judges.

Wait.  What?  Did she just say the DDP Mamas?  Shut up.  Could this day get any better?

Yes.  Yes it could.  And it did.

Because next thing you knew, we had scooted right back to the Dollhouse Dance Factory mothership to hang out with all the little BDD niblets, who were somehow way-past-naptime sleepy and yet completely wide eyed all at the same time.


Especially when Miss D let all the tiny squirts know that the DDP Mamas would be performing at the Buck Hard Or Go Home competition right alongside the Baby Dolls.

Since the BDDs are all too small to swear or ride any of the rides at Six Flags, they instead opted for some OhHellNah cartoon bug eyes when they heard the news and then went back to just being adorbz.

Especially that patootie Taelar.

You remember Taelar.  She’s the one who waves her arms in the air whenever she gets overly excited, which in turn makes me do the exact same thing until I just want to snatch her out of the room and go see a Frozen matinee.  You know she would sing along to every song at the top of her lungs and never put her arms down for two hours.

Again.  Awesome.

As we’ve seen over the last few months, there seems to be a limitless supply of Dolls that keep showing up at the Dollhouse.  Same thing this week.

Once we got reacquainted with BDD Captain Kayla, who has hair that I have yet to really figure out, we met Co-Captain Destiny and her smiley, wobbly head.

Destiny is a hoot.  And a half, actually.  And she has a soft spoken maturity and wisdom that certainly doesn’t match up with her little comic book shirt and gift wrap hair bow.  She talked about not being scared and always trying your best and something about growing up that completely went over my head.

She’s da bomb.

This week the BDDs and the not-so-baby DDPs would be going up against the bite-sized Baby Prancing Tigerettes, the Mamas of Virtuous Divine and the Girls Who Are Too Old For My Little Pony But Still Too Young For Those Naughty Bratz Dolls. 


And speaking of Mamas.

Outside on the sidewalk, the Mama were pretty wound up for a weeknight.

Weekly disclaimer:  Love.  Them.  Dot com.

My girl Tina was dancing around the sidewalk, because that’s just how she do.  It’s Rittany bitch had just bought herself a pretty fancy daisy chain headband from that new Woodstock LoveChild Collection down at Claire’s.  Seloncé was rocking an entirely fresh new weave right out of the bag.  And SnoopDawg was letting it slip that the DDPs would be hitting center stage this weekend.

Apparently, Seloncé had cut the tags off her new ‘do but forgotten to rinse out all the Krazy before she put it on, because as soon as Mimi started talking about the competition the two of them went at it.

Donkey Kong.  It was on like that.

Seloncé questioned the authenticity of the DDP news leak.  Rittany wanted to know what planet Seloncé grew up on and then took a moment to pray that the Good Lord wash away all the sins and insanity from Seloncé’s body.  Tina danced some more (…because that’s how she do…) and then the next thing you knew, Mimi was having a hot flash and putting her hair up in a ponytail like they do on VH1 right before someone gets slapped on Elimination Night.

When Mimi pulls out a scrunchy, takes off two earrings and one sneaker…you know she means bidnezz.

I think I’m going to need to use next week’s disclaimer just to restate how much I love these ladies.  Especially this week.


Back inside, Taelar was still being redoinkulously cute while the tiniest BDD of all the BDDs started to cry.  Poor little Bailey was having a rough time keeping up with the choreography and Dianna was not happy.

Cut the kid some slack.  You try doing a hitch kick into a back flip into a booty pop and then land a face plant while the tape on your Pampers Pull-Up is cutting off the circulation in your left leg.  I swear that kid was like two years old.

A few other BDDs were not getting on Miss D’s good side either.  But ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’…so suck it up like that pacifier in your back pocket.

And then the DDP Mamas hit the rehearsal floor.


Rittany don’t dance.  She’s Big.  And Beautiful.  And whatever that third “B” was that she used.  But she don’t dance.

She does, however, require plenty of hydration and some down time on the floor.  But she wasn’t giving up the fight for nuthin.  This one was for Crystianna.

This is as good a place as any to give a quick nod to how Bring It! always shows the positive side of family and friends and how much they all love and support each other.  Even the crazy ones.  The show just makes you smile.

And twerk.  Not gonna lie.  Twerk.

As the Mamas turnt it up and sweat it out inside the Factory, the Dancing Doll Daddies were all outside laying down their own groove.

Waymit?  DDDs are also in the hizzle?  That’s it.  I call your awesome bet and raise it to Infinity & Beyond.


JJ, Calvin and Terrell were doing their own DaddyDancing out on the sidewalk, and it was pretty sweet.  Especially JJ, who was channeling Saturday Night Live‘s Church Lady in disturbingly perfect form, cuz you know…that whole Daddy’s Gotta Do thang.

Next thing you knew, the Daddies were all inside the building still doing what they gotta do.  And then the next…next…thing you knew, they were added into the DDP Mama Show as a Secret Weapon and my arms went up like Taelar for the rest of the episode.

Finally, it was Showtime!

My boy Quincy Oliver was back with the Baby Prancing Tigerettes.  All two of them.  And for the first time we got to see all the way into both of Quincy’s ear canals because he finally took out that Verizon earpiece he’d been wearing since the first episode.

Before I even saw his girls dance I gave Quincy 10 bonus points just for his outfit.  Dude was born to wear a bow tie like a Boss.

Virtuous Divine Director Fulvia was also back and she had snuck in some VDDs through the back door when nobody was looking.  That clearly sounded more perverted than it was intended.  I think the ‘VDD’ part probably doesn’t help her cause any.

But I was talking about Dads, not herpes, thank you very much.

Since the Baby Dolls heads were already weighed down with so much weave and spray, now was as good a time as any for Dianna’s pre-game prayer.  I love how much hair the BDDs have when they’re all glammed up.

It makes Taelar feel sassy, you know.

Did I mention that Rittany looked gooooood?  Because she did.  She also mentioned it to everyone, just in case there was any doubt after her hallway booty pop.

Life.  These ladies give me Life.  Don’t make me keep asking for a two hour show.

Mimi’s face, though.


All the Mamas were looking fly.  And they knew it.

First out were the Mamas of Virtuous Divine.  And their no longer secret Secret Weapon VDDs.  You know how difficult it is to keep VDD a secret for very long.

Whatever.  They were good.  But it was when the DDPs came out that the crowd went even crazier than Seloncé.  (Who owned that floor, BTW.)

Tina was front and center, cuz that’s how she do.  Mimi was giving KardashianFace for days.  Rittany was keeping up like a pro.  And Seloncé looked exactly how I imagine the other Beyoncé must have looked on the night before she kicked Michelle and Kelly to the curb.

And then they made it rain up in there.  Dollah Dollah Bill, yo.  Yanked right out of their Mom Bras and tossed into the air like I don’t know what.

By the time JJ, Calvin and Terrell side stepped their way onto the floor the crowd was on its feet.  JJ even had a lollipop.  Because he’s JJ and he wanted a lollipop.

There was even a solo line dance like they used to do on Soul Train.

It was Parental Booty, Booty, E’rrywhere.

Best.  PTA.  Meeting.  Ever.

By the time the Baby Dolls hit the floor for the Stand Battle, half the audience was already on oxygen.  The BPTs had beaten the BDDs last time they met, so the Baby Dolls were out for Juice Box Justice this time around.  And it showed.

These little things can move, y’all.  Even Quincy was impressed, you could tell.  He also kept saying that he didn’t want to toot his own horn and then went on to toot his own horn a lot, so I’m not sure what his point was by the end.  I was digging his sweater, though.


Dianna had clearly taught the BDDs well, because they were throwing just as much shade as Big Kayla and the Dolls do when they walk backwards after every Stand.  It was just more Fisher Price than F*** You Up.  They’re like four feet tall, for crying out loud.

When the dust settled, the judges couldn’t make up their minds and made the two teams come back out for a tie breaker, which got all the little kids excited because they thought Dianna said “Jaw Breaker.”  And who doesn’t love that big ball of candy?

The DDPs…Mamas and Daddies…took home the First Place trophy, which Tina snatched out of the emcee’s hands like it was closing time at the Buffet.  That moment alone probably requires that I post Tina’s ‘Fat Girl Shuffle’ video at the bottom of this mess, just because.  Look for it.  She is hilarious.

Even though there was some disagreement, the Baby Prancing Tigerettes swiped First Place away from the Baby Dolls, which was not cool.  Not cool at all.

But again, it was a chance to turn a negative into a positive and make Second Place a learning experience.

Dianna was proud of them.

I was proud of them.

And my Taelar arms had gone completely numb.


And DDP4L!

And DDD4L!

And BDD4L!

Now let’s go celebrate.  I’m starving.


Bring It!: Y’all Put The Trunk Down And Get Ready To Throw Down Because It’s Gonna Be A Nashville Smackdown!

Friday, August 22nd, 2014




Girl, please. You just took the plastic nose off a pair of iParty glasses. I still see the mustache.






Then she ’bout poked her eye out. Those Groucho glasses didn’t even have any lenses.






You pick, baby. Just don’t take the one the lady’s touching. She might have got some Krazy on it.






I don’t know Jazz, but I can snatch an iPhone if this chick kicks my damn seat one more time.






I just wanna know why she always gets to be Beyoncé every time we play dress up. It ain’t fair.






Dat’s rite DDPs got Junk in the Trunk, suckahs. Chocolate ones, Oatmeal ones and Snickerdoodle!







I know y’all only showed up cuz you thought I was from Real Housewives of Atlanta, mmkay?






Hit our sales goal. Increased our profit margin. And I’m still the pretty one. Now who’s laughing?




I say it every week.

Why can’t this show be two hours?

Lifetime Television needs to work on that, because there are just too many important Life Lessons to be learned and way too much hilarity to ensue (…not to mention some actual dancing parts…) in every episode of Bring It! to confine it all to 60 minutes.

Less than 60 actually, if you subtract all the Raising Asia commercials and the hundred or so times that Tim Gunn comes on screen and says “Turnt Up For What?” like he even knows what that means.

So, yeah.  Bring It!  Expanded Edition, please.

This week Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls were Saving a Horse and Riding a Cowboy all the way to Tennessee for the Nashville Spring Showdown.

Nashville.  Music City.  Where dreams are made, hearts are broken and a 15 foot tall musical note always seems to get stuck half way down the flag pole on New Year’s Eve.

But that Times Square Crystal Ball-wannabe and the 6.5 hour bus ride weren’t the only things bigger and better this week.  The competition was also super-sized, with both old and new faces coming up against the Dolls.

The scoop would have to wait a few minutes though, because we started the episode out on the sidewalk with it’s Rittany bitch and quiet little Crystianna sharing a motivational Mother/Daughter moment.

Rittany was proud of the growth that shy Crystianna had shown so far this year, but now that her baby was stepping into a leadership role with the Dolls it was time to ramp it up.


This is our season.  Turn it up, just like they do on Project Runway.  Then leave it on the floor.  Then pick it back up again.  We need to go straight Beast Mode.  Who dat?  Who dat?  Chest pump.  Let’s do dis!  Let’s do dis!

Oh, and while you’re at it…get more confident like yo’ Mama.

Lawd.  I couldn’t tell if Rittany was just being supportive or getting ready to shove her kid out of an airplane at 40,000 feet with no ‘chute.

And that part about being more like her Mama?  My girl Seloncé heard that and right away she was all like AwHellNah We Don’t Need Another Rittany In The World, Thank You Very Much.  And then she gave us that ShantayYouStay Seloncé Walk she always does right before she and Rittany go a few rounds.

Seriously.  Could we love Sunjai‘s Mama any more than we already do?

The answer is No.

I’ve said it before…Seloncé is crazy.  But the good kind of crazy.  Capital ‘K’ Krazy.  And she knows it and wears it proudly like a badge of honor.  Just like she was wearing her new, totally on-trend Dirty Nerdy Girl glasses.

You know the ones.  The kind of specs that get comic book geeks all flustered and sweaty in their boy parts when they Google hot chicks who post selfies wearing nothing but bikini tops and tortoise shell rims.

I guess it’s not just the Kardashians.  Apparently Harvard and M.I.T. girls also like to make pouty faces before they go back to the lab and splice RNA at the atomic level.

Not gonna lie.  If there’s not a two hour bonus disc in the Season One DVD Box Set that is nothing but scenes of Seloncé and Rittany pointing and snapping at each other while Mimi shakes her head side to side like she’s Stevie Wonder, I’m going to be pretty upset.

Those two give me Life when they fight.  Life…with a capital ‘L.‘  Just like the ‘K.’


Back inside, Miss D was going over the Nashville deets.

The Dolls would be going up against Nashville’s own Royal Dazzlers and Glam Squad Majorettes, as well as  the Elite Starz, the Mini All-Starz, the Ladies of Excellence and the Girls Who Try On Lip Gloss At Sephora And Then Put Their Nasty A** Q-Tips Back In The Cup Instead Of The Trash Can.

The Ladies of Excellence were the Doll’s biggest rival this week.  The last time they met, Dianna and the girls beat them so Miss D knew the LOE and Director Brittany Grayson would be gunning for a win.

You remember Brittany.  We like her, even though I still think someone needs to check the chlorine levels at whatever pool she swims in because her eyes are always too pink.  She also has that one random curl in her bangs that always reminds me of the lady you see in the HOV lane on the way to work who is completely oblivious to the fact that she still has one lone pink curler in her hair.

Some things you just can’t rush in the morning.  Truth.

In Nashville, the Dolls would be competing in the Creative Dance and Stand Battle categories, which meant that Captain Kayla got to unleash another KaylaFace when she heard the words ‘Jazz’ and ‘Funk’ in the same sentence.

I can’t.  No.  No.  I’m not doing that.  I’m sorry.

If you know Makenzie Myers from Toddlers & Tiaras, than that last quote was hilarious and probably the funniest part of this whole recap.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I apologize for wasting your time.  And shame on you for never watching T&T.

More shame on you than was felt by those of us who actually watched it.

And that’s a lot of shame.


But since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll go out of my way and attach the aforementioned classic Makenzie Moment at the bottom of this story so you don’t feel left out when everyone else is raving about all the hilarity next time you’re at work.

Anyway.  The Creative Dance portion would be a duo or trio instead of the usual 85+ Dollapalooza, so Dianna was requiring anyone interested to audition for the part.

Sunjai, Crystianna, Camryn and Makalah (…where’d you come from?…) were all about it.  Kayla, on the other hand, got as far away as she could from all that jazziness without actually going outside the building.  Which was lucky for her, because things were really getting Capital ‘K‘ out there now.

Seloncé was tired of all the MamaRules.  Especially the one where they all have to stay outside and try to read lips through the slats of the window blinds.  Not liking it.  At all.

Since I have no clue how the brains of all these awesome Mamas work, I don’t really remember how they went from lip reading to discussing the plausibility of planting a James Bond 007 microphone chip in Sunjai’s braces to simply deciding on a Target run to pick up a baby monitor…but somehow that ended up being the plan.

They needed to hear what was going on inside the building and since dangling Tina through an open air vent wasn’t really an option, planting a baby monitor inside the building was gonna have to do.

CNN Newsflash:  Babies…and baby monitors…ain’t cheap.

So time for a Bake Sale!  I believe that Tina (…and Dr. Seuss…) said it best:

Everybody likes Cookies and Sweets!  Everybody likes to eat!’

I would have agreed with her but you need both hands for the Fat Girl Shuffle, so I owe her a High Five when my bowl is finally empty.  It’s Booty Booty E’rrywhere when my stories are on, I tell you.

Cammie, Crystianna and Makalah made the trio.  Sunjai got cut but had her usual good attitude about the whole thing and took it as another chance to learn and grow.

You go, Girl.


Kayla took some heat from Miss D for not being willing to try other forms of dance and not making enough of an effort to get out of her comfort zone.  She had a bit of a wake up call and realized that she may need to push herself more.  Since I’m still not a big fan of growing up and being an adult myself, I felt her pain.  She had a sad KaylaFace that I didn’t enjoy very much.

Side note:  Did I already mention that Dianna has one of those big satin State Fair Valentine Teddy Bears that you win by popping balloons on her bed at home?  Because she totally does.  I don’t think Robert is a big fan, though. His RobertFace was kinda like ‘What Is This Thang?’ when they climbed into bed for the night.

With one night to go before their road trip, the Mamas pulled up to the bumper with a trunk full of cookies and then the party really got started.

Two dollah, dollah bills, yo.

Mamas getting s*** done.  That’s what it’s called.  They even had a glitter glue sign dingle dangling from the trunk that made it look more like a real bakery and less like a 20 minute oil change at Jiffy Lube.

Those bitches thought of everything.  In the event of an emergency, there was even a secret ‘Hooty Hoo’ call that was the cue to shut the down the entire operation and evacuate like everyone did when the Three Mile Island plant melted down.

Since I was still mid-Fat Girl Shuffle when the initial plans were laid out, I may have misunderstood part of the DDP emergency alert explanation because I swear Mimi said ‘Hi De Ho‘ was the code word.  Which I guess would be fine, but I did wonder why she thought it would be a good idea to break into a Cab Calloway/Duke Ellington medley if anyone saw Dianna coming to the front door.

My bad.

It didn’t really matter, though, because when Miss D opened the front door it was total chaos.  With a Capital ‘C.’


Tina and Seloncé dove under the car like it really was Jiffy Lube while Mimi shoved $20 worth of perfectly fine ginger snaps down the back of her pants.

Two hours.  Make this show be two hours.  Now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

After a few touching moments with Kayla on the bus and an interview sniglet with Tina and her old wig (…she cried and made me sniff my nose…) it was clear that these Mamas love their babies no matter what.  I just wanted to hug everyone.  Even Mimi…even though I could tell she still had some leftover baked goods in their somewhere.

Nashville was Off.  Da.  Hook.

To Maximum Capacity and Beyond!

People on the floor.  People in the balcony.  People lined up outside like it was Black Friday at Walmart.  Way too many people.

Side note: Most of the gymnasium was covered up in these huge tarps, so I don’t know what they were hiding back there.  And I’m so nosey that it was killing me.

They were the kind of gigantic concert curtains that I thought were going to all of the sudden drop down and then there’d be some big explosive pyrotechnic sumthin sumthin and then an insane live performance by  Rascal Flatts or Sugarland or Lady Antebellum or Brooks & Dunn or that’s all the country groups I know.

(Yeesh.  Sorry.  Didn’t plan that sentence out very well.)

But that never happened.

The emcee did look like Derek J. from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, though.  But I knew it wasn’t really him because he wasn’t wearing lady shoes.



The Dancing Dolls trio did amazing.  (Spoiler Alert:  They won!)

And then the Po Po shut it all down.  Hi De Ho.  Time to go.

Listen up.  Listen up.  The event was way over fire code capacity.  Way over.  So according to Derek J., everyone had to pick up their toys and go home immediately.

Without even doing a Stand Battle or nothing.

I know, right?  Not cool.

The Dolls were literally on the bus longer than they were in the building.

After watching the trio perform, Kayla realized that it was time to step out of her own shadow and start taking a few Buck-Free dance classes.  It was time to grow a little and she was excited to spend her last year with the Dolls learning everything she could from Dianna.  She’s gonna make her Mama proud.  You heard it here first.

Growing up is hard, but it can be fun I heard.

So it was a short trip, but a good one.  The Dolls scored one trophy.  And probably a few cookies that fell behind the spare tire.

All in all, Nashville was a success.

Now back to Jackson.

Hooty Home, y’all.

…And as promised:  Little Kayla.

You’re welcome.




Bring It!: Nyuck Nyuck! It’s Soitenly Kayla’s Big Surprise When Tina, Mo And Mimi Leave It On The Floor.

Friday, August 15th, 2014




Before you start thinking about scratching that itch, remember that’s her Mama upstairs.







This town ain’t big enough for two Beyoncés, yo.







I have no idea where she got all that sass from. No idea at all.







Either my head just got really big, or these are some tiny opera glasses.






I didn’t even have the heart to tell her those are gift shop binoculars that only show slides of the Grand Canyon.






I don’t care if that boy is taking her to the Moon. If the plan involves a 10 piece bone-in I’ll do it.






Haters gonna hate. Don’t you bitches be jealz that my baby girl is dating the Fruit Of The Loom Grape Guy.




Did you feel it?

The warm fuzzies?  I know you did.  Because I did.

It was the softer side of Bring It! this week as Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls got all romantical…on and off the gym floor.

And that tingle you felt?  It wasn’t just balloon static.  It was prom night jitters and the magic of lyrical dance as the Dolls got ready to leave it on the floor.

All of it.

And speaking of.  You can leave the bone in, too.  Cuz that’s how Miss D likes it.

This week was the Leave It On The Floor Jamboree right around the corner and down the block in Jackson.  No traveling, no packing.  Nothing.  Just the local favorites playing host over at Tougaloo U again.

I keep thinking that was Bullwinkle‘s alma mater, but then at the last minute I always remember he graduated from Wossamotta U.  Like Whatsamatta You.  But not.

At this latest competition the Dolls would coming up against the Golden Dazzlers, the Protege Jackson All-Stars, the Girls Who Insist On Wearing Raggedy Old Ugg Boots Even When It’s 100 Degrees Out and a new team considered to be their biggest rival for the crown…Virtuous Divine.

(Two words that no one has ever used when talking about me behind my back, BTW.)


The biggest challenge for the Dolls this time around would be the Creative Dance category.  Miss D had created a soft, flowy, lyrical jazz routine like the ones you see on So You Think You Can Dance that always make the Hot Tamale Train Lady do an ugly cry.

Dianna even decided to take the girls out of their military issued red and black, sparkly fringed DD4L outfits (…crazy talk, I tell you…) and put them into soft, flowy, lyrical jazz costumes.  The kind that aren’t really nightgowns but you’d still probably not wear them to work without a slip on underneath.  And a bra.  A bra, for sure.  And maybe even granny panties, because now that I rewind the tape, they’re pretty flimsy.

A lyrical jazz number also meant that technique was key to a successful performance.  Which was fine with Camryn, Crystianna and Sunjai.  They were all down wid it.

Our girl Kayla on the other hand?  Not so much.

Soft, flowy, angel arms aren’t really her thang.

She’s more of a Oh Hey Now. Welcome To My Yard. You Here For The Milkshakes? kind of gal, which would explain why she used up half her weekly quota of KaylaFaces in the first interview segment.

While the girls got to work inside, the Mamas were outside making the world a better place for the rest of us.

As you’ll recall, Seloncé had missed the last competition because the Real Sunjai and the cardboard cut-out Sunjai had both gone to Prom.  Which clearly is a bigger deal than I remember it being when I was young.  Was there even such a thing as ‘Prom’ before selfies or did the Kardashians invent it?

Full disclosure: I went to my junior high junior prom (…yes, that’s what they called it…) all by myself because some bitch broke up with me a week before the dance.  And she was the only other person there flying solo.  That wasn’t awkward at all.


And now you can all feel guilty for not only refusing to pay for this blog and helping it turn a profit, but also for making me dredge up all the memories that I had successfully suppressed for all these years.

I wish I had known about the cardboard cut-out princess trend back then, because I totally would have propped a fake Sunjai up against the table and shown that 8th grade (bleep) that I was already moving on and it was her loss.

PS.  Years later, she’s unhappily married with a monkey baby named Karma.

So, yeah.  Winning.

As Seloncé rambled on and on, it’s Rittany bitch and I were beginning to wonder if maybe Sunjai’s Mama really did throw on a ball gown at the last minute and sneak into the Prom through a back door.  I couldn’t tell.  And Mimi was no help because she was just running around being all Mimi.

Which was Awe.  Some.

Peaking through the windows, it looked as though all the girls were picking up on the lyrical choreography except Kayla, who seemed a little distracted.

Turns out that her boyfriend Mo (…yes, like the Stooge.  They pointed that out early…) had not yet asked her to the Prom, which was kind of a big deal seeing as how Jackson apparently has Proms and Hip Hop Majorette Competitions every weekend during the academic year.

But have no fear.  Mama Tina had it all under control.  Even though she was not a big fan of her baby girl growing up, she had worked out an elaborate plot with 1/3 of the Stooges that would allow him to surprise Kayla at the Dollhouse and pop the question.

Not THE question.  Just the PROM question.


The set up was that Mo would text Tina when he arrived.  Tina would then call inside to Dianna, who had skipped lunch so she could chow down on a 10 pc. bone-in dinner with fries and Coke, all in the name of Young Love.  Miss D would then send Kayla across the street to Wings ‘R Us or something, where KJ would pick up some takeout and steal all Dianna’s change while Mo snuck into the studio with a million Fruit of the Loom balloons and a haircut that reminded me of Little Bow Wow.

It was like they were invading another country it was so elaborate.

And it worked!

When Kayla came back with a bag of snacks and no change, Mo was standing there like a holiday underwear commercial while the girls laid on the floor and spelled out the word “PROM” with their bodies in a human crop circle.

I know, right?  Not gonna lie.  Got a little misty.

Duh.  She said YES.

And before any prom, you always go to the spa for a facial.  Unless you’re going alone with no friends in the 8th grade, I mean.  Then you just lay in the dark and hope your salty tears don’t make Clearasil run into your eyeballs.

But if you’re Sunjai and Kayla, you hit the Aqua Spa and get covered in guacamole.  They make cute BFFs.

Twenty four hours later and it was Prom Night.  Little Mo Mo showed up at Kayla’s house with a tight new ‘do, a frilly corsage and hint of Old Spice and flop sweat.  He was promptly greeted at the door by my boy Terrell and his sideways baseball cap.

And what I believe was the Spanish Inquisition.

I love Terrell.  He ‘s one of those Teddy Bear Baby Daddies that wouldn’t hurt a fly unless you try and put the moves on his Baby Girl.  And then the hat…and all bets…are off.


He snuggled right up to Mo on the couch and grilled him so hard that one of Mo’s braids came undone.  But Mo’s intentions were good.  No spiking the punch.  No hands under the table.  Not even much breathing while Terrell was all up in his grill.

When Kayla came downstairs…dang, girl.  She looked gooooood.  Of all her KaylaFaces, KaylaPromFace was the prettiest so far.

And her gown matched the artwork on the back wall.  No lie.  Check the selfies.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to meet Virtuous Divine Director Fulvia.

(Side note:  Since I’m clearly not going to be able to quit my day job and live off this hot mess of site, I’m thinking I should hire myself out as a Human Name Generating Machine for shows like Toddlers & Tiaras and Bring It! because they have the best names evah.)

Fulvia had some crazy a** crisscross leggings on and looked like she should be on VH1 for some reason.  No particular show.  And no particular reason.  She just had the look.

The VD’s Creative Dance routine had a salsa flavor to it, complete with capes and costumes that should have come with roses between their teeth.  Clap Clap!

The Dolls, on the other hand, were dressed in their Anti-Doll nighties, all baby blue and flowing lyrically every which way around the back room.  Totes Gorge, girls.  Whoever does all that elaborate swirly eye makeup needs a raise.  Dianna actually tweeted out who does the artwork one time, but I forget.

Out in the auditorium, it was SRO.  Only Tina was MIA.  She had to work.  I guess she was covering Rittany’s shift as an IOU.

Mimi was being Mimi again.  Which was still awesome again, while Seloncé was trying to check out the competition through a pair of those tiny little binoculars that hang off the key rings you can buy at any Jackson Visitor Center rest stop vending machine.


They’re impossible to see through, especially when they’re upside down and three feet away from your face with the lens cap still attached.

It was truly a Seloncé Moment that did not go unnoticed by Rittany.  Seloncé is crazy.  But the good kind.  The kind that ends up in a hospital after they kill you.  Not jail.

That kind of crazy.

Seriously.  Why can’t this show be two hours?

(Shout out to JJ!  Looking fly there in the audience, dude. )

Then VD hit the floor and the crowd freaked out.  (The more you read that last sentence, the more unintentionally hilarious it gets in a CDC pandemic outbreak kind of way…)

Q.  Does Tougaloo U even have a basketball team?  Anybody know?  Because if they do, I don’t know when they can hold games with Dianna hogging the gym every weekend.  Maybe they only do away games.  I should do some research on that later.

Both VD and the Dolls did great in the Creative category.  There was one tricky upside down half scorpion one leg bent flip thing that Miss D had put into the grand finale that Kayla nailed.  During rehearsals KJ usually ended up sitting on Tamia‘s head, so it was a nail biter right ’til the end on that one.

Someone else wobbled a little, but the base held onto her leg.  (My TLC CheerFriends will be proud that after all these years I finally know what a ‘base’ is, thank you.)

And then the Stand Battle hit the court.

The Dolls were back in black.  And red.  Even the powder blue eye makeup was gone and replaced with shades of DD4L.  That was impressive.  It takes me two days to get a Sharpie off my fingers but they made a complete shift to the other end of the Pantone scale in about 30 seconds while I was in the kitchen getting a snack.


Shandreika, Virtuous Divine Captain, proved that you can never wear too much gold eye shadow or have too many letters in your name.  She was really pretty and had some serious moves on the dance floor.  The most notable one being holding up a co-VD dancer for 45 minutes over her head.

Which is what the whole team did.  No lie.

They tossed this little girl up into a split and just held her there while she pointed at Kayla all like WhatchooGotNow? 

Nobody knew what to do.  Do the Dolls start the next Stand?  Do they just watch the little girl sit there for another 15 minutes?  Do I have time to go downstairs and put my last load in the dryer?

Are you done?  Are you done now?  How ’bout now?

Whatsamatta U?

Eventually, Virtuous Divine lost all feeling in their arms and dropped the little girl, but not before I had ironed my clothes for the rest of the week and Tina had finished her shift and already gone home.

And then the Dolls won Creative!

And then the Dolls won Stand Battle!

One and Two.  Done and done.

A clean sweep.

Now go home and rest up, little cowgirls.

Because next week is Nashville, y’all.



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