Posts Tagged ‘Dianna “Miss D” Williams’

Bring It!: Back Dat Bus Up. Dianna And The Dolls Take A DD4L Road Trip And Host Some Buckin’ Sweet Bootcamps.

Saturday, October 4th, 2014

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Then she just starts wailing in tongues all like ‘Hooty Hoo and Boo Damn Boo.’ Who talks like that? Dat shiz just cray.

 

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Cuz I called it first, that’s why. Next time we play Baywatch someone else can be Pam Anderson.

 

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You gonna eat that?

 

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Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm! Mmm Mmm Mmm!

 

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I’m pretty sure the song goes ‘Save a horse. Ride a DDP.’

 

 

 

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Wait. What?

 

 

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The hellz dat?

 

 

 

 

Hooty Hoo!  Hooty Hoo!

This is your final boarding call.

Pat yo’ weave and pack yo’ bags, cuz we’re going on a road trip.

But not just any road trip.  No ma’am.  This one’s big.

This is The DD4L Road Trip.  

And if you’re lucky, maybe Bring It! will bring it to your town someday.

It certainly took ‘em long enough, but after 21 episodes somebody at Lifetime finally listened to me and made this thing two hours.  And that didn’t even include travel time as Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls hit the highway to spread some bucking majorette cheer to hundreds of their southern fans.

After taking both the hip hop and non-hip hop world by storm this year, Miss D and the Dolls weren’t quite ready for a break after last week’s finale.  AwHellNah.  Instead, they loaded up the wagon with Mamas and Daughters and got the heck outta Dodge for a few days to offer some intensive three-day bootcamps to their most hyper DDFs.

(Dancing Dolls Fans.  I just made that up.)

First Stop:  Atlanta.

The capital of Georgia is about a 6 hour bus ride from the Dollhouse Dance Factory in Jackson, which apparently was just enough time for someone to give Seloncé a haircut.

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Because that totally happened.  Really.

Somehow Seloncé got on the bus in Jackson with her long ombre WannaBeyoncé hair and got off the same bus in Atlanta with a stylishly on-trend bob.  I swear.  I didn’t ask, but I do feel bad for the Lifetime editor who lost his job on that little bit of post-production.

I heart Sunjai‘s Mama, tho.  She’s crazy.  So crazy that sometimes I want to cut my own hair when she talks…but I love her.  How can you not?

And speaking of crazy.  As the bus pulled into the Peach State, all I really kept hoping was that the DDP Mamas would be greeted by the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Shut.  Up.  Can you even imagine?  My head would probably explode.

And don’t even get me started on  NeNe Leakes meeting those stinky diva Olive Branch ladies.  Close yo’ puppet legs to married men.

Dead.

To earn their free round-trip tickets, the Mamas all had to work check-in at the venue, which went about as smoothly as you would imagine it would go when Seloncé and It’s Rittany Bitch ended up sharing the same folding table in Atlanta.

You need to put a sticker on that.  You need to kiss my a**.  You need to do your job.  You need to come a little closer so I can rip out the rest of that new haircut.

Love.

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Side note:  There must have been at least 500 red DD4L tee shirts on the tables and in plastic Target bins and being airdropped onto the front lawn of the school like Unicef care packages.  And yet not one size Medium?  For me?  Seriously?  After 21 blog recaps?

Aside from an amazing opportunity for the fans to meet the Dolls, learn their moves and get a free tee shirt (…so do I have to put it on a tee shirt just to get a tee shirt?…) the workshops were also intended to be a competition between Sunjai, Crystianna, Camryn and Kayla.  The Diva Dream Team. 

Each Doll would have a team of girls to train and then on the third and final day, would go into battle against the other Dolls’ teams.  This would give everyone a chance to work on their leadership skills and prove to Miss D that they were worthy of their own spot on the team…and maybe even Kayla’s captain position when she graduated.  Hint.

But Atlanta is no different than Jackson.  Rules are rules.

NO Mamas allowed in the Dollhouse.  (Tina:  “Bissshhhh Whaaaaaa??!?”)  So it was back to the hotel to chillax as Dianna got the workshop rolling.

But before the Mamas could unleash all those bathing suit bodies on an unsuspecting public, someone decided to give Mimi a haircut in the elevator on the way down to the pool.  I swear.

Seriously.  How does this keep happening?

At the pool, Seloncé had a quick prayer and moment of silence for Rittany’s awesome bathing suit and lobster trap net/booty wrap cover-up combo and then tried to get a tan from the Ramada’s overhead fluorescent bulbs.

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(Do you really think she thought she was outside?  I don’t even know anymore…)

Everyone was getting rowdy.  My girl Tina pushed Mimi and her fresh new ‘do into the pool and got her hair wet (…Gurrrl, which is something even I know you don’t do…you just don’t…) but did manage to rescue her with an oversized version of that scoop thing they use when you buy goldfish at Petco.

Lawd.  Mim when she gets wet.

You ever drop a half dozen cats into a bathtub?  All at once?  No?  Try it now.  I’ll still be here when you come back from the emergency room.

Back at bootcamp, all of the team captains were working their girls hard and Dianna was impressed.  Do it or get cut.  Even quiet, shy Crystianna was getting it done, albeit in a slightly more Disney-ized voice than her peers.  (Srsly.  I think she talked more in this episode than the last 21 combined.)

In retrospect, the cartoon voice was probably due to the swollen tonsils which eventually ended her up in the hospital.  The poor little nugget was hurting, so she was removed from the competition and sent to Atlanta’s Mercy Hospital for free ice cream.

As a temporary fix, Miss D replaced the MIA Crystianna with former co-captain Caleda.

No clue who she was, but she seemed nice.  And I liked her big hoop earrings.  I bet they flap in every which way direction if you try and get all up in her grill, mmmkay?

The competition show was crazy.  Cra.  Zee.

People everywhere.  Millions of them.  So many that the cops had to take over crowd control to get everyone in their seats.

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And it was hot.  Really hot.  Inside and outside.  So hot that people were getting the vapors and passing out and going down the sidewalk in ambulance stretchers and laying all over the floor like a crime scene.

One lady with a blurred out secret identity face even started talking in Tongues and putting some kind of voodoo curse on Mimi for not sending me a tee shirt.

Side note:  Mimi.  Freaked out by someone talking crazy.  Think about the irony for a moment or two.  Hilarious.

I mean, I love Mimi so much already that I can’t even imagine how much more I would love her if I had a clue what she was actually saying most of the time.

Hooty Hoobee Doobee Boo Damn Hoo Scooby Doo, girlfriend.  Muah.

When it was all over, Camryn beat Kayla for the Win.

Dat’s my baby!  Dat’s my baby!  MimiTongue.  MimiTongue.

Suck on that, APAC.

Next Stop:  Nashville.

And the Booty Store.  Or Boot Store.  It was hard to tell.

Tina, Mimi and Seloncé wanted to immerse themselves in the local flavor by picking out some western footwear down at Boot Country and it was pretty much the best Tennessee HoeDown ThrowDown evah.

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Mimi busted out the ‘Spank A Cowboy’ dance that scored Drew Lachey three perfect ’10s’ on Dancing With The Stars while Tina and Seloncé tried squeezing their wide widths into some colorful Durangos.  Laughing.  Screaming.  Some MimiTongue and even a few flashbacks.

What?  What?  What?  Put that thing back on yo’ head.  Oh you got hair now.

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Three.  Hours.

Let’s be honest.  When Tina plopped a cowboy hat on top of all that whacky red weave it totally looked like one of those caps you buy at the State Fair that come with the hair already attached.  And it gave me life, I tell you.  LIFE.

And Love.

After immersing themselves in the local flavor, the Mamas decided to apply some more of it directly to their faces down at Jack’s Bar-B-Que.  Except Seloncé, of course, who opted for nibbling on her ribs with a fork and knife.  Something which you should never do in front of Tina.

Cuz my girl knows her ribs.

Just pick up the damn meat and do whatchoo gotta do.

Slurp.  Smack.  Suck.

You might wanna put that on a tee shirt, bitch.

This time around, Kayla won the bootcamp battle before the Dolls all headed off to meet the Titans cheerleaders.

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Let’s just say they don’t Buck much in Tennessee and leave it at that.

Final Stop:  Detroit.

Crystianna was back!  And so was Rittany, much to Seloncé’s chagrin.  Especially when the two Mamas started getting all territorial over the tiny hotel bathroom.  Seloncé even suggested that maybe Rittany could take a load off and just sleep on the couch.

The couch.  I swear that woman has a death wish.  Hope it wasn’t too noisy sleeping in the hallway after Rittany dumped her out on the floor along with yesterday’s USA Today.

Slam.  Lock.  Do Not Disturb.

It was the final bootcamp battle, and none of the girls were playing.  It was ON.

The Shy One vs. The Underdog vs. The Wannabe Captain vs. The SuperStar.  Four friends that turned into competitors as soon as the music started pumping.

Camryn underestimated Sunjai’s will to live and fell in battle, as did Crystianna when she faced down Kayla.

Then it all came down to Sunjai vs. Kayla in the last Stand of the Tour.

David vs. Goliath.

Side note:  Has Dianna always walked like Bette Midler or is this a new thing?  Because Miss D was totally channeling the Divine Miss M every time she shuffled around the slippery gym floor in those stilettos.  Maybe housekeeping had just buffed out the parquet.

Safety first.

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Sunjai had the Power of the Underdog in her (…and even a life-size cardboard cut-off cheering her on from the sidelines, which wasn’t creepy at all…) but it still wasn’t enough to beat the Mighty Kayla.

In the end, the Captain proved that she was still the Captain.

But really, everybody won a little sumthin sumthin.  Just like they do every week.

The DDs learned how to be leaders and build confidence in both themselves and others.

The DDFs got a sweet Certificate of Completion that made me so jealous I wanted to push Mimi back in the pool again.

The DDPs got some quality bonding time and enough memories, souvenir footwear and calories to last a lifetime.

And Dianna got another proud moment with her girls, which is what it’s all about in the end.  Because that’s how they do down at the Dollhouse.

Can’t believe it’s over.  For now, anyway.

There’ll be a void in our Wednesday nights until Season Two starts up.

More time for me to practice my Stand Battle moves, I guess.  I need to be prepared for the next Road Tour.  Just in case.

Season Two is gonna be bucking’ awesome, I can tell already.

Till then…

DD4L!

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Dance Moms: It’s All Going Down In Tinsel Town When Abby Lee And The ALDC Hit Hollywood For Nationals.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014

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OMG! A solo? If I can just keep Mom from Street Fighting for four more days, I totally got this.

 

 

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For the last time… Jet Blue lost one of my suitcases. That’s why I’m not wearing any pants. Now get off my a**, woman.

 

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If I hear ‘Girl Party’ one more time I swear I’m gonna twist your head all the way around.

 

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Duh. I could totally win SYTYCD if it wasn’t on past my bed time. I’m talking Hollywood, baby.

 

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Trust me, honey. I saw this once on Star Trek. After you black out you won’t remember anything.

 

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Imma need you to hold my big pink flower so I can show these little apple boys how we do.

 

 

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Yo, Jimmy. Srsly. Why the hell this kid not on my show yet? She’s buck.

 

 

 

 

Trivia!

A little timeline on the Hollywood Sign for you.

In 1923 when it was built, it originally spelled out ‘Hollywoodland.’

In the early 1940s, Albert Kothe (…the sign’s official caretaker…) was driving drunk when he knocked down the letter ‘H‘ right before sending his Ford Model A over a cliff.

In 1949 the City of Los Angeles Parks Department put the ‘H‘ back up and got rid of the ‘land’ part because that didn’t make sense anymore.

In 1978, nine private donors gave a total of $250,00 to sponsor replacement of the entire dilapidated sign.  They put up new letters made out of steel and restored an iconic West Coast image back to its original splendor.

And then, in 2014, Abby Lee Miller came to town and by the first day I’m pretty sure the whole thing had already fallen over.  Dance Moms: Hollywood Here We Come.

Nationals.

I know, right?  Already.  How’d that one sneak up on us?

No idea.  But it did.  And it’s here.  So now it’s buh bye, Pittsburgh…hello, LA.

New York, New York:  So nice they named it twice.

The ALDC in Hollywood:  So much drama they made it a two parter.

And the whole gang came along for the ride.  Almost.

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The Original Recipe Elite Team (…aka ‘Old Team’…) was all accounted for and already lined up in formation as this week’s episode began, because the only thing better than a Pyramid of Shame is a Pyramid of Shame that’s on West Coast time.

Dat’s rite.  Now you can get your humiliation three hours earlier, kids!

But before they actually accomplished anything, the Select Team (…aka ‘New Team’…) stormed the room like Mother/Daughter bulldozers and took their own on again/off again spots right up there in front of Abby.  The entire ALDC 2.0 contingent showed up, with the noticeable exception of Jeannette, Ava and Tami‘s pants.

I didn’t expect to see Jeanette and Ava.  Remember when Abby kicked them both off the team (…Spoiler Alert: Or did she?…) a few weeks ago because Ava kept sitting on her Mom’s lap like that Marmaduke dog from the comic strips?

Now I’m not saying that Ava looks like a Great Dane.  I’m saying that she reminds me of those big dogs who still think they’re puppies and insist on climbing up into your lap whenever they get upset and don’t get off until your legs go numb.  That’s what I meant.

Relax.

As for Miss TammyNoPants?  I have no explanation for that one.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m TeamTami all the way.  But Lawd…Booty Booty E’rrywhere.

Put some pants on, woman.  There’s kids in the car.

Right away, Holly got all AwHellNahWeDon’tNeedThemUpInHereand I made a mental note to myself to Google which Universities still offer Doctorates in Feisty.hn

Dr. Beyoncé earned that PhD, mmkay?  Snap.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Chloe, MackZ and Nia.  Chloe had missed out on last week’s performance due to her busted up foot, so she was in the basement by default.  MackZ was still having trouble getting that MackenzieBoo Monkey off her back and got scolded for being too silly.  And Nia had done good last week, but not MayaGood.

Middle Turf was held down by Kendall and Kamryn.

Side note:  I may need to rethink my ‘No Headband’ policy.  Nia and the KiaKamster were both rocking the head gear and I feel like I might be missing out on a trend.  If nothing else, shiny headbands seem to distract your eye from any snarky smirks on a new ALDC dancer’s face when she swipes a solo from a veteran ALDC dancer.

Almost, I mean.

(Oh, yeah.  I saw that, Kamryn.  I saw that smile.)

But we love Kamryn.  Especially since I know that she’s smart enough to hack into this website and find out where I live.

And Maddie was on top.  Even though she didn’t dance last week.

Honestly, I can’t even remember if she was there last week.  I know I saw her on my TV, but I have no clue if it was Dance Moms, Dancing With The StarsThe Tonight Show, The Ellen Show, The Wendy Williams Show or that Larry King thing nobody can seem to find on cable or the internet.

Wait.  Larry King.  What about headbands AND suspenders?  Thirty seconds ago I’m behind the curve and now I’m already ahead of a trend.  Score.j1

This week, aside from prepping for Nationals (..because, you know…they’re here…) the Maddie and MackZ Publicity Train would be pulling into the Hollywood and Highland Complex with a promotional sumthin sumthin that involved DJs, cameras, crowd control and a pink table that got me all excited because I thought they might be selling Girl Scout cookies.

Abby was gonna pimp the bejeebers out of these girls while they were all in California.

The.  Bejeebers.

At Nationals, the Old Team would be performing a group routine entitled ‘Amber Alert’ while the New Team would stick to a more traditional ‘Hollywood Stars’ kinda thing.

Kendall, Chloe and Kamryn all scored solos.  There were cheers and headband smirks all around the room.  Holly and Nia made some solid arguments concerning seniority and loyalty when it comes to handing out solos, but Abby wasn’t having it right now.

(I hope that Doctorate program is available at Community Colleges, because unless Lifetime starts coughing up coins for this blog, I’ll never be able to afford Harvard.)

Side note:  I love how Christi always carries around doctor’s notes and a full set of x-rays like she’s on-call at Shriner’s Hospital.  She cracks me up.

No solo for Maddie this week, which she and Mom Melissa took with just a shrug and a whatevah.  Hmmm.  Hold that thought till next week, because right now Maddie was off to see Jimmy Kimmel and do the weather report on the Today Show.  Latah, suckahs.

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Oh.  BTW.  This fall, Abby will be opening her first west coast studio:  ALDCLA.

Did I forget that part?  It’s kind of a big deal.

I guess I was distracted by that gigantic red box with no postage or address label that somehow just got delivered to Abby.  Granted, the “Bite Me. Cathy.” was a pretty good clue as to who sent the thing over, but still.

And then Jeanette and Ava showed up.

Srsly?  How many things were in the back of that delivery truck, anyway?  I though you weren’t supposed to put real people back there unless they’re being kidnapped?  How else would those two even know where to go?  Did Jeanette really figure out Abby’s exact location in the state of California yet not realize that Ava hasn’t gotten an ALDC check for the last two weeks?  Maybe she picked up the metal in Kamryn’s headband on some kind of crazy Dance Mom Radar or something.  I didn’t ask.

After stripping Ava of her ALDC track jacket (…thankfully allowing her to keep her ALDC sports bra since this is/was a family show…) Abby kicked them both off the team for the 17th time and they were gone in under 45 seconds.

That was one expensive flight to LA, sistah.  F’realz.

As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms all wandered aimlessly looking for their missing MomPerch, we scooted over to some building that had ‘Nappy’ in part of the logo to see what the Candy Apples were up to.

Answer:  No Good.

Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Evil Dance Lair had once again spun their Magic Revolving Door Of Choreographers and this week it spit out another new face.

Chehon Wespi-Tschopp from So You Think You Can Dance!

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He won his season!  Good for him.  And I just have to type his last name and not actually say it out loud.  Really good for me!  And he’s cute.  Cathy likes to bring the cute.

She also brought along a bootleg cassette tape of Sia‘s song Chandelier (…yeah…the one from Jimmy Kimmel…der…) and was going to use it as the music for the CADC group number.

Oooh, gurl.  You nasty.

Back at the non-Nappy studio, the Moms couldn’t take the suspense any longer and tore into that mystery box from Cathy only to find one of those bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandeliers (…packed with no bubble wrap, whaa-?…) that had some of the votives replaced with red apples.

(Seriously.  If I have to break this one down for you…just…just go.)

There was also a lot of MamaDrama about Maddie receiving a top secret private rehearsal that was somehow caught on security camera footage.  A private rehearsal caught on camera for a solo that she wasn’t even doing at Nationals.  Hmmm.

Then Cathy showed up to hand deliver the bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…seriously…figure it out…it’s code for something…) directly to Abby, who was eating a banana at the time.  Apparently she color coordinates her food with her plastic accessories now.  I was not aware.

We’re certainly getting a lot of fashion scoops this week, aren’t we?

After a few requisite monkey jokes, Cathy pointed out that Christi looked like a giant booger and then wished everyone a pleasant afternoon.sch

Wait.  What?

Next thing you know, the same bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…last hint…) got dragged around the building one more time by nosey Christ-y with a ‘Y’ which for some reason made little Sarah burst into tears.  That’s kind of her thing lately.

Tami tried to console her while Abby and Christ-y screeched at each other, but the combination of non-stop high pitched yelling and a stranger in booty shorts stroking her head made Sarah completely lose her nutty.  Again.

Eventually, even tiny Sarah realized that she had been living the movie Groundhog Day for the last six months and that it was probably time to go.  And then they were gone.

Again.

Side note:  Did anyone else see how fast Kendall turned and walked in the opposite direction when she stumbled on Jill (…straw hat…love…) and the rest of the Moms grilling Gia about all of Abby’s sketchiness?  In the background?  When she walked by and then saw what was going on and took off so fast that she left skid marks on the floor like she was doing donuts in a Kmart parking lot?

Peace out.  I keep telling you…them Vertes Girls are smart ones, y’all.

Finally, it was Hollywood and Highland time!

And it was a mob scene.  Screaming kids and wannabe Dance Moms everywhere.  And it was all emceed by Hip-Hopper E-Baby from the Penn Point Dance Academy.

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Not gonna lie.  At first I thought Abby introduced him as being from West Point and I thought, my…how progressive our military has become.

Don’t Tap.  Don’t Tell.

He showcased his hip hop kids and then accepted Abby’s impromptu offer to teach at the new ALDCLA.

And then the Candy Apples showed up, strutting across the mall catwalk and getting all Ohio gangstah on the crowd until E-Baby challenged everyone to a Dance-Off.

Cuz that’s how Lifetime do, yo.  Dance-Offs.

Except for Abby, who doesn’t actually dance…because, you know.  She just stood off to the side of the stage, backing dat thang up while Cathy kinda shimmied like the Mother of the Bride.  Cathy was carrying around an apple-shaped clock that would have been much more visually effective if she had worn it on a giant neck chain like Flava Flav.

Beef Jerky Boyeeeeee!

And the rest of the Moms?  Well they just got jiggy wid it.

Go, Jill.  Go, Jill.

(Props to Holly, too.  Ever since that whole Toddy Rockstar music video thing she’s a little bit of a freak at the PTA meetings.)

Each ALDC kid smacked down on a CADC kid.  And then they went group vs. group.

But all that really matters are two takeaways from the whole thing.

One…that little McKenzie Morales kid is spunky.  Clearly created in a lab using DNA scraped from the inside of Asia Monet Ray‘s sippy cup, McKenzie slapped all those other girls back into yesterday.h2

Booyeah.  It ain’t just salsa in that bottle, lemme tell you.

And two…Sasha Nia.

What the what?  Where did all that sass come from, girlfriend?

Off.  The.  Hook.

Even Mom was all like Dat’sMyBabyGettingAllKrunkUpThere!WhoKnew!

Nia was on fiyah.  Fi.  Yah.  Splits and Death Drops and Is That All You Gots? all over the stage.  She even whipped her weave right in some poor kid’s face until he cried.

Right in the kid’s face.  I swear.  Like they do on Bring It!

I was up off the couch snatching my own weave she got so thug.

Side note:  If you don’t watch Bring It! you won’t understand the Awesomeness That Was Nia.  That…and we can’t be friends.  Ever.

Asia: The Sequel won the solo competition, but the ALDC took the group improv title.

Beat ‘em on stage.  Beat ‘em in the street.  In yo’ face, Candy Apples.

Luckily, before it escalated into an actual street battle, everyone headed back to their hotel rooms for some sleep.

Because…you know.

It’s Nationals, baby.

Time to focus.

tbc

Bring It! Season Finale: It Ain’t Over Until The DD4L Lady Bucks. The Last Dance Competition Brings The Heat.

Saturday, September 27th, 2014

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When you’re done putting all that Thug In It, would ya mind putting some Back Into It and moving that couch for me?

 

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Is that the pretty one that everyone keeps saying is so crazy?

 

 

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We’re in the middle of practice and a damn couch goes flying by the front window. I swear.

 

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You slap on pink lip gloss and put your arms up like this…My Anaconda Don’t. My Anaconda Don’t.

 

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Like this? Like this? Am I doing it right? Hooty Hooty Hoo. Shooby Doobie Doo. Boo Damn Hoo…

 

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Seriously. What language is that?

 

 

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Don’tchoo worry. Mama got dis.

 

 

 

 

Girrrrl, pleez.

Gimme a minute.  I think I’m in denial.

There’s no way the first full season of Bring It! is over already.  That ain’t right.

So wrong.  But unfortunately, so true.  The season finale just happened.

The Dancing Dolls went to Clarksville, MS to Bring The Heat.  And they brought it.

Brought it all and then left it there because it was too hot to pick up and put back on the bus by the time they were done.  Yeeouch.

The moves.  The passion.  The hunger.  The intensity.  Hell, they even brought a gigantic music video floor sticker with them, which they probably didn’t need to pack since their DD4L initials were clearly burned into the floorboards by the time they left the auditorium.

What a year those Dancing Dolls have had, huh?

Let’s be honest.  Up until about 20 episodes ago, unless you lived within their southern orbit or stumbled upon some youtube videos while Googling ‘Cats Wearing Hats Playing The Piano,’ you probably had never even heard of Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Jackson, MS Dollhouse Dance Factory.

You poor thang.  What an empty life you must have led.

Flash forward about 6 months or so…and Boom.  Bam.  And Pow.d2

Overnight Sensations.  That’s how you do, mmkay?

So now it was the last competition of the season in Clarksville and over at the Dollhouse, Miss D was getting right down to bidnez because this one was gonna be a big deal.

For the first time this season, they would be coming face to face with one of their biggest rivals, the Divas of Olive Branch.  The same Divas who had robbed the Dolls of a First Place trophy at last year’s Battle Royale and ignited a firestorm of controversy earlier in the season over a questionably inappropriate Stand Battle routine that involved a squad of young girls not putting their legs together very much.

You remember that one, right?  The one that Coach Neva McGruder said was supposed to be a moving tribute to America’s love for puppetry, but from my couch looked more like Pinocchio‘s sister trying to make it rain up in here to pay for college.

Let’s just say that Miss D and Neva probably don’t exchange Christmas greeting cards.

At this week’s competition, the Dolls would only be competing in the Stand Battle category.

Dianna would handle the rest, y’all.

Dat’s rite.  This week there was a Coach category, where each director would have to set down their freakin’ cell phones for once and put their money where their booty is to help score points for the team.

Along with the previously mentioned DoOB, the Dolls would also be up against their other top rivals the Prancing Tigerettes, the brand new never heard of before Dazzlin Starz and the Girls Who Bump Into You While They’re Obliviously Texting Smiley Face Emojis And Slurping Starbucks And Yet Somehow Think It’s Your Fault.m

One…it’s not my fault.  And Two…you’re a bitch.

As the girls got to rehearsing their Stands, the Mamas were all outside on the sidewalk getting equally as aggressive.  And equally as sweaty.  Or maybe even more so.

It was the Tina vs. Seloncé SmackDownaPalooza: Part 20.

I’m not even sure how it really started.  Innocently enough, I’m sure.  The blow ups between my two girls always begin innocently enough.  But then something always happens that makes me feel like a missed a crucial 5 second snippet of video that would actually explain why gloves are suddenly coming on and hair is coming off.

Love these Mamas, BTW.  Love.  And make this show two hours.

Let’s get that part over with early again.

As the Mamas all came to the realization that this was the final competition of the season and that Sunjai and Kayla were rapidly approaching their final year as Dolls, Tina announced that Kayla had just signed up for a college tour.  Her first one.  How exciting.

Innocent enough, right?  I thought so, too.  At least until Seloncé (…Hashtag: Flawless…) pointed out that Tina should have already been on that bus a few months ago.

Uh oh.

Somehow the whole thing quickly escalated into Tina assuming that Seloncé was judging her as a parent.  Which she wasn’t.  Which Tina didn’t need (…even though, one mo’ time, she wasn’t…) because 18, 262 people had already judged her parenting skills since she became pregnant with Kayla at 15 years old, thank you very much.

(Bonus Points for keeping track of all the haters over the years, Tina.  I don’t even remember how many people dumped me in high school, though it’s probably around the same number if you include three years of Summer Camp.)st

But haters gonna hate.  And you don’t need ‘em.

Tina lost her noodle.

Seloncé did all the hand choreography from Single Ladies again that she does whenever they fight.  Tina was all like GetOutMyFace.  Seloncé was all like I’mNotInYoFace.  Tina did that LawdDon’tLetMeWhoopThisBitch two fists up in the air thing she always does right before she pops off on Seloncé.

Hall Monitor Mimi started working up some pretty sweet cartoon MimiFaces and knew she’d have to activate Peace Maker Mode pretty soon.

Side note:  I’m starting to think that It’s Rittany Bitch knows how to sleep with her eyes open.  She’s always perfectly calm and just leans back on the wall watching the show like she just scored a deal on floor seats from that sketchy Stub Hub ticket joint.

Love these Mamas.  So nice I said it twice.

And then…

You know the Incredible Hulk, right?  From The Avengers movie and all that?

Did you know that in the comic books there’s actually a RED one, too?

I know, right?  Shut up.  A red Incredible Hulk.

Just a little something that flashed into my mind as Tina flipped over the couch that JJ had worked so hard at delivering last week.  I mean flipped.  And then pushed across the cement like she was getting paid to plow snow in a Walmart parking lot.

Tina Strong.  Tina Smash.

As the Red One stormed down the strip mall sidewalk tipping over cars and snapping off fire hydrants, Mimi scooted after her like any friend would do.

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Because they’re friends.  And family.  And it always comes back to that.  They don’t shout it from the rooftops or put it on a shirt (…though Gawd knows they could, since they wear a new DD4L iron-on transfer every damn week…) but they’re tight.  Family Tight.

They may have your weave in one hand, but they got your back with the other.

Tina had taken Seloncé’s comments out of context and let years of other people’s judgements cloud her own.  It happens.  But where you start out and where you end up can be two different paths.  And Tina has proven that to be true after all this time.  Her baby turned out just fine.  And she loves her baby.  And her baby loves her.  So there.

Tina just needed Mimi to help her put it all back into perspective.

Not gonna lie.  The whole thing gave me some Feels.  Fuzzy ones.

Tina apologized and they all hugged it out.  All four of them.

And I totally wanted in on that DDP Sandwich.

Back inside, as sectional furniture was flying around the parking lot, Dianna was losing her own noodle on the girls.  Rehearsal wasn’t going too well.  Miss D was so stressed out about breaking a hip during her Coach Dance that she had zero patience for any mistakes that the team was making in the Stand routines.

She was turked up.  Which is different than twerked up.  Or turnt up.  Google it.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Neva time!  And Quincy time!  And Helenor time!

Wait.  What?  Who?

Helenor was the Coach for the Dazzlin Starz, which nobody still seemed to know, even though they showed up with plenty of people in yellow tee shirts.

Well, they know ‘em now.

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My boy Quincy Oliver had added at least one busload of girls to the Prancing Tigerettes roster since we last saw him, as did Neva, which brought her own Divas of Olive Branch headcount to about 85 sparkly onesies.

Neva brought along one of those paper fans that Kenya Moore kept snapping in everyone’s face during the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Show a few months ago.  I guess Neva is also Gone With The Wind Fabulous now, which won’t make any sense at all to you if you don’t watch Bravo.

Quincy brought along some new quasi-Eddie Munster hair, which may or may not have actually been growing out of his own head.  I say that because someone tweeted out a youtube How-To on attaching that little wiglet he was (…allegedly, or maybe not…) wearing and since everyone knows my complete lack of knowledge on the subject matter, I’m gonna weave…I mean leave…this discussion for another day.

Side note:  Anyone notice that I’ve gone almost two whole recaps without using the words ‘Shower’ and ‘Cap?’   See?  I’m trying.  I really am.  Death threats will do that.

The Coach Battles were pretty low key until Dianna hit the stage.  A skinny guy danced around with such abandon that I thought maybe the Director’s Lounge had offered up an Open Bar for the first two hours.  There was also a tear-away costume change into a really hard split.  Not by him, tho.  If it hurt that much just to watch it, I can’t imagine what it felt like to actually do it on a basketball court.

Then Dianna rolled out onto the floor.  Literally.  Rolled.  Out.

JJ, Calvin and Terrell (…DDDs in the house, yo!…) rolled her out on some kind of freakin’ Mardi Gras float that looked like a cross between one of the Microsoft screen icons and a Macy’s Holiday Window.

F’realz.  Somebody in the audience even yelled ‘Show me your t**s and throw me some beads’ which was hilariously inappropriate at the time.

Lawd, Miss D.  That bitch was rolled out and turnt up now.

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The crowd went nuts.  Dianna dropped her splits like they were hot, did that Statue of Liberty thing from last week and even busted out a Death Drop that would make RuPaul and Nia Frazier so proud.

(Shout out to Dance Moms!)

Srsly.  I need to find somebody to start wheeling me around town on that thing, cuz…

Dang, girl.

After Miss D finished up and the building pumped enough pure oxygen back into the auditorium to revive the audience, the Dazzlin Starz faced off against the Divas of Olive Branch in the first Stand Battle.

Side note:  Props to Seloncé for working a glue gun like a Boss and making those individual fuzzy boa signs for all the Mamas.  Looks like she learned her lesson after that whole Balloongate fiasco.  Martha Stewart would give her the finger, but I give her two thumbs up.

Then the Dolls went up against the Prancing Tigerettes.

That PT lipstick, tho.

And then…wha–?  The DoOB and the PTs got sent packing.  They lost their individual battles.  Neva wasn’t happy.  At all.  Quincy wasn’t happy.  At all.

Even Dianna wasn’t very happy, because she had hoped to finally even the score with the Divas of Olive Branch and show those stinky puppets a thing or two.  But that would have to wait for another day now.

That also meant that the final Stand Battle would be the Dancing Dolls going up against whoever those Dazzlin Starz girls were.  (Remember my name now, suckahs?)

It was on.  And the Starz held their own, I gotz to say.  They kept up and gave as good as they got.  Almost.

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The Dancing Dolls are da bomb.  And they won.  They regained their title as Numero Uno and everyone went bazoinkers.  I even dumped by soda when I jumped up to do the Official DDP Happy Dance with Tina.

(Full disclosure:  I may, or may not, dance in front of my TV screen during moments of #FatGirlShuffle weakness and pretend that Kayla’s Mama and I are at the club getting buck.  Don’t you judge me.)

Dianna won First Place.  The Dolls won First Place.  Everyone went spaz.

Miss D couldn’t believe how the girls had taken the initiative to practice and learn the Stands after such wobbly practices.  She was surprised.  But then not really surprised.

The Mamas had all raised some amazing daughters that were growing into some amazing young adults.  That whole hard-working, positive self-esteeming, academic-achieving thing that Dianna always preaches seemed to be working.

And then it was over.  For the entire season.  But they’ll be back before you know it.

Next week, actually.  For a two hour special!

Not gonna lie.  When the announcer said ‘Get ready to go on tour with the Dolls’ I started packing my gym bag with all my fringed spandex and delicates until I realized that it was only a commercial and not an actual invitation for a seat on the bus.  (I call ShotGun next to Tina if Lifetime ever changes their mind, though.  Can you even imagine that road trip?)

The Dancing Dolls have proven all the haters wrong.

Which is something that haters really hate.

Say it with me.  And Taelar.

DD4L!

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