Posts Tagged ‘Dianna “Miss D” Williams’

Bring It!: When The Purple Diamonds Are Blocking The Road To The Battle Royale, Miss Kayla Takes The Wheel.

Monday, April 20th, 2015

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Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Aww S***.

 

 

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I know this damn baby ain’t getting crackers in my hair after I just sat in a Kia for 18 hours.

 

 

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Excuse me. Where did those two come from? And where’d that baby get all those tasty snacks?

 

 

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Srsly? It took you 15 months to have that baby but you expect us to learn all these moves in two days?

 

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Thank you, Lord. Finally somebody did the math.

 

 

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I don’t appreciate people talking about my new baby…or this ghetto shirt y’all making me wear.

 

 

t1

 

 

 

Srsly? That. Is. HIGHlarious.

 

 

 

 

Hold up.

Did I hear you right?

Lemme move my Rittany weave just so we clear.

Did I hear you right?

Next week is the Battle Royale?

The season ending Battle Royale?  The finale?  That one?

I’m sorry, but that’s unacceptable.  Bring It! can not be ending already.

I don’t believe it.  I won’t believe it.  And if anyone thinks I’m giving up Friday date night with my DDPs without a fight, well…

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So somebody needs to fix this asap.

And yes…I’m looking at you, Lifetime Television.

Because I’m pretty sure any network that ran the same five Jane Seymour movies every weekend for 7 years can afford to tack on a few extra episodes, even if it’s just bloopers and an hour of my girl Mimi making MimiFaces.  So let’s go, people.

Chop Chop.  Hooty Hoo.

With only one week to go before the Battle Royale (…the mutha of all competitions in the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions…) Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were already hard at work inside the Dollhouse Dance Factory prepping for this weekend’s final showdown as soon as the credits rolled.

Miss D’s wonky knee seemed to have recovered nicely as she paced back and forth, crutch-free, in front of the team spilling deets on the upcoming pre-Battle battle.   Dianna had all her signature moves and catchphrases back on point (…and on two feet…) and the girls were literally panting and patting with anticipation to get back out on the floor for the final stop on their World Domination A** Kicking Tour.

This week, the team would only be competing in the Stand Battle portion of the competition, which was being held right there somewhere in beautiful downtown Jackson.

Staying local meant that not only would the Dolls be able to focus more on rehearsing and less on packing, but that they would once again be facing off against Jackson’s other hometown favorite…the Purple Diamonds.

Dat’s rite.  Shanika Lee & the PDs were back in da house.  I smell a rematch.

(Spoiler Alert:  I also smell wet baby.  But hold that thought.)

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The twist this week, since there’s always a twist, was that Captain Kayla would be running the show.  The whole show.  Rehearsing.  Running formations.  And doing cuts.

No pressure there.

Since Kayla hoped to one day have her own studio (…Miss Kayla’s I Got It From My Mama School Of Dance And Shuffling coming to a neighborhood near you soon…) Dianna felt that giving KJ complete reign of the girls this week would be a good test run for the Real World.  That meant that along with leading the Stand Battle, Kayla would be responsible for all the working parts of preparing for a competition.

Realistically, going up against the Purple Diamonds and then turning around and heading right into a Battle Royale the following week was probably going to give all the girls a lesson in being ready for what Life(time) throws at you.  Which was ok.  Because you know how Dianna loves her Life(time) Lessons.

This week’s being:  If you STAY ready, you don’t have to GET ready.

Side note:  Can’t you just see a line of Dianna Williams Motivational Hallmark cards sitting in the racks at Walgreens?  F’realz.  Every word out of Miss D’s mouth, except for maybe the swear ones and the stuff she says to that Olive Branch lady, is custom made for a family-friendly greeting card.  Why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet?

I can totally picture them, too.  They’d be all blinged up like a flat Michael Kors bag or something and probably play a Luther Vandross slow jam when you open them.  Except for the Birthday ones that would drop a hard Janet beat for your Special Day.

I bet they’d even make Oprah cry.

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As the girls got down to rehearsing, we had just enough time to head across town, swing by Babies ‘R Us to pick up a gift and then drop in on the Purple Diamonds studio to see how they were doing getting ready for the competition.

Warning:  You might want to sit down for this one.

Shanika.  Had.  Her.  Baby.

I swear.

Shanika was NOT pregnant.  This is not a drill.

The PD Coach FINALLY had that baby.  Freakin’.  Finally.

And I gotta say, girlfriend looked pretty fly for just delivering what had to have been 2 year old with a full head of hair and all four wisdom teeth.  So congratulations, Boo.  I know that baby must be a cutie patootie if he/she takes after Mama.  You must be so proud.

And speaking of hometown bragging rights.  Without a doubt, The Purple Diamonds are the Dancing Dolls biggest rival in Jackson.  They’ve had a rollercoaster relationship over the years, most notably the infamous victory booty spanks that a few select PD girls unleashed all up in the Dolls’ faces after taking First Place at a previous competition.

Side note:  We’ve all seen the flashback video for months now, but this was the first time that I really paid attention to that one crazy PD Mama who came out of nowhere and snatched her baby girl right out of the auditorium as soon as she started spanking her a**.

You see dat?  How did I miss it the first 250 times they ran the loop?

(Quick pause to point out that the Mickey Hat made it’s triumphant return this week.)

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But anyway.  That Mama.  She was on fi-yah.  I swear she popped a rotator cuff when she yanked her girl off the floor.  It was the same way those mothers do it when their punk a** kids start horsing around on the yellow part of the subway platform.  That must have been one looooong ride home in the car, sweetie.  And an even longer month being grounded without your Sidekick.  Cuz Mama was not happy.  Just wait till your Daddy comes home.

Side note:  Where was Shanika’s new baby?  We’ve been looking at it for the last year and a half.  It would have been nice to finally have some kind of christening or something.  And why does every hip hop majorette dance studio have so much crap piled up in all the corners?  And do you think there’s a nursery in the back now?  Because you know it has to be decorated in Barney the Dinosaur bedding.  I can’t think of any other cartoon that’s purple and she was registered at stores that sell it.

So many questions still unanswered.  And with only one episode left.

Back at the Dollhouse, Kayla was trying to channel her Inner Miss D and get the job done, but it wasn’t going so well.  Apparently, being Miss D is even harder than it looks, because for Kayla the struggle was real.

Dianna tried to remain hands-off, but kept jumping back in on Kayla’s directions and decisions so often that when Miss D momentarily retook control of the lineup, KJ didn’t know what else to do except cry.  She didn’t want to cry.  And I didn’t want to see her cry.

But she did.  One single tear, like they do in soap operas.

Lesson Number Two:  Life is frustrating.  You need to be tough.  And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  At least according to Miss D and that girl from American Idol, who also just had a baby.  But in only 9 months.  Like normal people.

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Side note to Lifetime:  There was not nearly enough DDP FaceTime this week.  And it was unacceptable.  Going forward, please make it a point to have all my Mamas on the sidewalk and on the screen more often, even if it means cutting back on a few of your commercials.  Especially the one about having greasy babies in the woods.  I’d be ok with that.  Because that one was just nasty.

The night before the competition, Kayla clutched the sacred Clipboard of Cuts and put the girls into small, manageable groups to judge their Stand Battle readiness, while across town in the Purple Diamonds underground laboratory, Shanika was busy creating an artificial Dianna and Sunjai for her newly choreographed DD4L Stand.

I see what you’re doing there, Ms. Lee.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Side note:  Chair Stands are the New Black.  I get that.  But you mean to tell me that none of these high school and university auditorium venues come equipped with metal folding chairs?  Do the Dolls really need to shlep them around from town to town wherever they go?  What do the students in Jackson sit on during classes nowadays?

Seriously.  Watching the Dolls file into the building looked like that famous sad World War II movie where every prisoner was given one shower cap and one folding chair and sent into Solitary.  Which I might be making up, since I can’t remember if they actually had metal folding chairs during World War II.

Or Staples stores to buy them at.  Or even shower caps to keep your edges laid.

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But you get my point

I just hope the Dolls got to ride over on a bus, because if my girls had to walk in formation all the way across town carrying bake sale chairs, Imma gon’ need to talk to somebody in charge.  Because that ain’t right.

And speaking of awkward arrivals.  Ladies and Gentlemen…Traci Young-Byron.

Whaa–?  AwHellNah.

I know that coach from Miami’s YCDT Supastarz did not just walk into the building like she and her ShavedHead LadyFriend just happened to be in the neighborhood looking for colored sidewalk chalk.

One…Because you know that’s totally what Traci uses to section her hair.  The big jumbo pack ones that comes with a ‘Do Not Eat’ sticker because they look exactly like bubble gum cigars and kids get all excited when they see the pink one.

And Two…That was funny.  It’s ok to laugh.

Side note:  Wait.  What?  No Mimi at the competition?  Really?  Not cool.  Not cool at all.

Luckily, Tawantza‘s crazy mini-hair clips and thigh high Disney Pocahontas boots gave me so much Life that I can forgive Mimi for missing the bus.  Bonus Points for Tawantza’s iPhone being tucked into the top of her boots like she was some Bond girl getting ready to pull out a switchblade and slit your throat during dinner.

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This show.  Make it be two hours.  And longer than 14 episodes.  Now, please.

Naturally, Miss D and Traci met up in the hallway before the competition and that scene alone could have extended this thing to 15 weeks.

They were both all like MmmHmm and OhNoYouDin’t and WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis as they confirmed that their bodies were indeed snatched and who was fiercer than who and WhyYouBeSpyingUpOnMe all back and forth and back and forth until I ’bout needed to lay down on the church floor just to catch my breath.

Lawd.  It was totally like that.  I swear.

Even more Bonus Points given to anyone who noticed that lady in the background bringing back the JLo Juicy Couture sweat set.  I need to know her name immediately.

Then the Dolls and PDs hit the lights.  And it was on.

The Purple Diamonds unleashed their Diannastein Monster and let the fake Miss D stomp all around the Stand making cuts while a fake Sunjai ran in circles flipping extensions like it was her day job.  The Dolls returned the favor with a Stand that even Traci admitted was pretty slick even though nobody pointed their toes.

Then the PDs dropped a girl on her head, which I don’t think was supposed to be part of the next Stand.  They were trying to do some upside down something or other and everyone got wobbly at the same time (…which I assumed was not the plan, even though it did make it appear to be slightly choreographed…) until one girl finally gave up and just dropped the other one so they could keep the thing moving.

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They even had a drum major dude come out and go completely drum major spaz on the audience.  Twitter said he was an official Jackson drum major (…and you know that anything on the internet is true…) so I’m not sure why he couldn’t wear his official Jackson drum major uniform instead of a rap video track suit.  But whatever, yo.

And then the Dolls shut it down with their Chair Stand.  I mean…dang, gurlz.

They slid it down.  And then Shut.  It.  Down.

Even Traci was all like lean back WTF?TheyGoooodNow!

Umm.  Der.  Yeah.  They’re the Dancing Dolls.

Needless to say, the Dolls won.

Both teams did amazingly well.  Everyone stepped it up for this competition.  The Purple Diamonds were exceptionally energetic, which Traci made note of in her SpyBook.  But there could only be one winner.  And it was the Dolls.

And now it was on to the Battle Royale, where The Best of The Best would come face to face one last time to decide who really gets those bragging rights.

The Dancing Dolls vs. Everyone.

This is the Big One.  So get ready to throw some Shade and some Stands.

You think you can beat the Dolls?  Really?

Girl, pleez.  Take a seat.

On second thought…take two.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: So Now The Sincerest Form Of Flattery Is Straight Up Jacking Your Moves On The Floor, Right? Copycat.

Sunday, April 12th, 2015

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This, tho. Again.

 

 

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No, really. I’m being serious. If you’re gonna talk all night can I at least order another dessert?

 

 

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Look familiar?

 

 

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Imma gon’ need somebody to open up this library right now, cuz I’m about to read your a**.

 

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And please give me the strength to not kick that crazy bitch down the stairs with my good leg, Lord.

 

 

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Check it out, bruh. The “Plagiarizing Tigerettes” doesn’t even screw up the jacket embroidery.

 

 

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My first name ain’t ‘Baby.’ It’s Mimi… Miss Hooty Hoo Harris if you’re Nasty. We good?

 

 

 

 

With apologies to Janet, of course.

Gimme a Weave!

Sittin’ in a Beauty Shop, thinking Nasty Thoughts.

Better be a Dancing Doll or you turn me off.

Nasty.

Nasty Boys.

I mean…Copycats.  That’s what I meant.

Copycats are Nasty.

And Payback.  Payback for taking First Place away from the Baby Dolls.

That’s a Bitch.  And Nasty.  So Bring It! yo.

At least that was the plan this time around as Dianna Williams and Quincy Oliver got ready to send their respective Big Girl versions back into battle for Round Two.  It was the Dancing Dolls vs. the Prancing Tigerettes again.  And it was on.

Still feeling the sting of her Baby Dolls losing out to the Prancing Pee Wees at the last competition, it was clear that Miss D was determined the full-size dancers reclaim the title that had slipped through the hands of the Mini-Ds as preparations began for this week’s hometown showdown in Jackson.

Losing itself was not really the issue last week, tho.

The issue had been Quincy’s questionably unprofessional victory lap around the auditorium after the awards were announced.  Remember all that unnecessary celebration?  How could you forget?

Part Great Gatsby flapper girl end of prohibition dance, part finale from The Music Man and part straight up Prancercising Tigerette, Coach Quincy paraded around the back of the room like his Anaconda don’t want none unless you got 76 trombones, hun.

Like this.  But with less camel toe and more high top fade.

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He was a mess.

And if we’ve learned one thing from our Dancing Dolls 101 curriculum thus far, it’s that whether you win OR lose…you do it with dignity, professionalism and as little celebratory Broadway vogueing as possible.  Heads bowed.  Eyes closed.

And no Fabulous arm work, please.  Save it for the klub.

If we’ve learned anything else besides how to win and/or lose with dignity, it’s that when Dianna Williams scratches her weave with one finger you know she’s not liking it.

Cuz she did.  And she wasn’t.

Especially when she found out that Quincy had been ‘strategically studying’ the Dolls at a number of their recent competitions, which is the same terminology Dynamic Diamond Dollz Coach John Connor always uses right before he hits ‘record’ on his iPhone from the back of the gymnasium and downloads the entire season like it’s on Netflix.

The entire thing just rubbed Dianna the wrong way.  Much the same way that single crutch must have been irritating her right arm pit as she stood and addressed everyone at the Dollhouse Dance Factory on one bum knee.  Ouch.  Miss D had somehow popped out her knee and was hobbling around the floor at only 50% capacity.  That’s gotta hurt.

Good thing that crutch had been sitting against the back wall since the show premiered last year.  Now you all know I got mad love for Miss D, but I swear that pile of logo crap is getting bigger every episode.  Maybe some Sunday afternoon we could all just get together and tidy up a bit.  I’d be more than happy to take all those Size Mediums off your hands since I’m still waiting for the FedEx box that Mimi promised to send me last year.

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But I digress.

Miss D wasn’t gonna let a wonky knee slow her down.  Especially not during Janet Week.

Dat’s rite.  M-I-S-S you much.  THAT Janet.  This week, the Dolls would be competing in both Stand Battle and a decade-themed Creative Dance.  That’s where the Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty part came into play.

Because it’s really a DD4L Nation, you know.  We just live in it.

As the girls started working on their military maneuvers, we headed to Memphis for a quick peek at the Prancing Tigerettes’ rehearsal where Quincy was threatening to legally change one dancer’s name to Box Of Rocks because she was…you know…that dumb.

Somewhere along the line, Quincy has lost all of his Boyz II Men bow ties and a good chunk of his charming humility, because this season he definitely seems a little thirstier and has gotten a whole lot sassier every time a camera gets in his face.

But we still like him.  And his girls are fierce little dancers who look amazing in royal blue.

Back at the Dollhouse, Dianna had turned a piece of Staples office outlet furniture into a wheelchair and was scooting back and forth around the room like you do when you’re too lazy to get up from your desk to use the copier.

Outside on the MomWalk, Seloncé seemed a little blonder than I remember as my girl Mimi tried to explain the word “meniscus” to Tina and Tawantza.

Exactly like this.  She’s the one in the middle.

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Srsly.  How much do we love Mimi?  And this damn show?

I probably didn’t really need to know that she is a loud pee-er in the ladies room, but now that I do…well, I feel like my life is a little fuller in all honesty.

If Lifetime doesn’t extend the season past what the commercials are currently saying, Dianna ain’t the only one who’s gonna be needing a crutch…if you know what I mean.

As the Twins struggled with some of the intricate Rhythm Nation moves, Seloncé made it clear that she would continue to push her children to succeed just like Joe Jackson had done to his family, which made me remember Jermaine‘s Sharpie hair and Michael‘s micro-nose and then I wasn’t sure if she had really thought this thing through or not.

Cuz, you know.  Joe Jackson.

But before I could even raise my hand, Tina and Seloncé went another round and I needed to focus on The Moment.

Full disclosure:  No lie.  I could watch the two of them go at it for hours, though I do miss the days when Tina’s hair wasn’t sewn in.

Please put that thing back on yo’ head.

Inside, Dianna pulled out the clipboard and started cutting down the dead wood in the forest.  Star got cut.  Sky and Big Sister Sunjai made it into the routine.  And one girl was named Jersey, hopefully after the Garden State and not the grass-eating cow, because I don’t think Miss D would be that mean in front of everyone else.

As the dust settled, we took a breather for the worst eHarmony commercial ever.sj

Psych.  My bad.

It actually turned out to be a legit blind date between Seloncé and some randomly friendly dude named Jason.  So now it was the BEST eHarmony commercial ever because it was Seloncé and Girlfriend got all her Krazy back this week.

Side note:  I had to Google ‘eHarmony’ because I couldn’t remember if there was a hyphen between the ‘e’ and the ‘H’ and now I’m horrified that somebody will hack my hard drive and think I’m trolling dating sites on a Friday night.  You’re my witness if I get caught.

Just like when ‘where to buy glitter preemie unitards’ showed up twice at the Apple Genius Bar during my Toddlers & Tiaras days.

Gah.  I miss that show.  If I watched it, I mean.

The major takeaways from the dating scene were…

One:  The smaller Selonce’s head gets, the bigger her jewelry gets.  Two:  She can talk for a minimum of 45 minutes without taking a breath.  That crazy bitch could literally assist the Coast Guard on searches and never even need a tank.  Three:  Jason said she had a “Thick Tongue” which was so hilarious that it made me I don’t know what.  Four:  Part of Seloncé’s plan for World Domination includes marrying a man with a ton of kids and creating her own DD4L reboot of The Brady Bunch.

And Five:  I love Seloncé so much that sometimes it makes my left eye hurt.

Jason didn’t serve her with a restraining order, but he also didn’t commit to another date next week, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this one plays out over time.dd

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that back at the Dollhouse during rehearsals Tina kept saying “Do It For Janet!” which, coincidentally enough, is also my mantra whenever I’m faced with challenges and/or life altering decisions.  Ask anyone I know.  It’s true.

Just don’t make me do the Dance.  Because I will.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Dianna was still on her crutch and Quincy was still missing his Pee Wee Herman tie.  He did tell his team that “If you’re not smiling, you’re ugly” tho, so remember that the next time you’re sitting in line to get your license down at the DMV.

Before the show even started, it was time for Seloncé’s weekly attempt at pimping out her daughters to Miss D, which went as well as it always does every seven days.

This time she pulled Dianna and her wobbly leg out into the hallway (…how are kids supposed to do book report research if the library is closed on the weekend?…) and wanted to know what she needed to do to ensure that Star made cuts before the end of the current competition season.

Insert ‘Sunjai’ here: _________ and it was basically the same discussion they used to have last season about Seloncé’s oldest daughter.

These two when they get together.  I swear.  One was all like TalkToTheHand and the other one was all like PokeYourEyeOutWithTheEndOfMyCrutch and then it was over.

For seven days, anyway.

The Creative Dance category started the show.  The Prancing Stepperettes hit the floor first with some kind of Tina Turner routine.  I guess the fringed dresses were supposed to be the giveaway, but the moves didn’t get anybody rolling on the river.

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If you’re gonna do Tina…you gotta do TinaMoves, kids.  Trust me, I learned that the hard way at one of my first junior high cafetorium dances.  Won’t be making that mistake again.

The Q Kidz from whoknowswhere were up next with some Josephine Baker choreography.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now so we’ll just move on to the Prancing Tigerettes and their youtube Dancing Through The Ages shtick.

It was pretty good, but definitely not limited to just one decade.  Since I never actually saw the rules in advance, I don’t know if that kind of medley was kosher or not, so I’m not really the one to judge this routine.

The other judges seemed to like it, except for that one judge who couldn’t possibly see anything through those bright blue sunglasses she was wearing.

Sunglasses.  Inside.  Like Diddy.  To judge a dance competition.

Hashtag:  PetPeeve.

And then the Dolls hit the floor and danced like it was 1814.

Killed.  It.

By the time Camryn did that 90 degree Miss You Much hand snap, Mimi and I were both out of our seats screaming like we were trying to score Mardi Gras beads off some float.

That’s Our Baby!

As the girls regrouped backstage for the Stand Battle, Dianna and Quincy shared an awkward moment when they ran into each other in the hallway.

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Miss D pulled the Lurk Card right away and accused Quincy of stealing some of the Dolls’ moves.  Quincy was all like OhWow and then claimed that BOTH teams have had D and C Games in the past.  Excuse me?

OhNoSheDin’t.

Yes, she did.  She said D and C Games.  To which Dianna put on a pair of those fake glasses from Claire’s and then read Quincy’s report card to everyone with basic cable.

Snap.  Quincy was all like OhWow a lot, now that you mention it.

Then it was on.

Both teams destroyed it during the Stand Battle, which gave Mimi plenty to scream about.

Everyone was screaming and jumping up and down again, actually.  Except Tawantza, that is, who never stood up once.  I guess her feet must have been hurting that day.

Side note:  Anyone else see that little baby behind Mimi rubbing her belly?  Hilarious.

The Stands were definitely on fi-yah.  Even when the PTs dragged out fake Kaylas and Camryns in the middle of their routines.

But don’t you worry, the Real Ones shut that thing down.  Fast.

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Side note:  I don’t want to give away any secrets, but I think when they show the Dolls whipping their hair in slow motion it means they’re going to win the competition.  Or at least that’s how it seems lately.

I know I always feel like a winner when I’m walking down the street and whip it real slow.

After Real Kayla told Fake Kayla to “Get Your Life” and Real Camryn out-spun Fake Camryn like she was drilling oil for BP, it was over.

The Dolls won it for the Babies!  Both categories!

Quincy felt that his team had slayed their routines, but vowed to return even sassier next time.  And with a video recorder that could hold a longer charge, just in case.

Backstage, Dianna gave another one of her signature post game wrap ups about the importance of working together.  The girls rallied around the elaborate choreography and got the job done.  And done right.

Miss D was proud.  The DDPs were proud.

Even Janet would be proud.

The celebrating was off da hook, marred only by that one girl who had the dirtiest iPhone screen I’ve ever seen.

Hashtag:  PetPeeveCleanYoPhone.

Srsly, Gurl.

Finger prints and hair goo all over yo’ screen?

DD4L!

Bring It!: Girl…Pleez. Don’t Look Now, But Neva Just Put The “Diva” In Olive Branch. It’s DD4L Panda-Monium!

Sunday, March 29th, 2015

tong

 

 

 

This, tho.

 

 

p

 

 

 

I gotta get back on my meds asap, cuz I swear I’m looking at a dancing panda wearing a weave.

 

 

n3

 

 

 

I didn’t sign up to be on no damn GLEE episode. The hellz all this Broadway s*** on the wall?

 

pc

 

 

 

My PandaConda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun…

 

n2

 

 

 

Hmmph. Is that cookie dough under my nails? I don’t even remember eating that today.

 

 

t3

 

 

 

That one? She’s just straight up crazy.

 

 

mi1

 

 

 

I don’t know what was in that Snow Cone, but I’m kinda digging this brain freeze. Hooty hoo!

 

 

 

Holla.

Welcome to Klub Olive Branch.

If you’re on the List, you can check yo’ nappy Panda suit at the door and come on in.

You can even drop off that tired Michael Kors purse from last season if you don’t feel like shlepping it around all night.  Ain’t nothing in it, anyways.

And feel free to check that DD4L attitude while you’re at it.  Srsly.

But who gon’ check me, Boo?

Nobody.

Cuz…

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Oh, Lawd Jeezis.

NEVAs to the dance floor, please.

She’s baaaaack.

Get your MimiFaces ready folks, because Bring It! brought all the crazy back this week with the return of the Dancing Dolls‘ super villain nemesis Neva McGruder and her dawg-stomping Divas of Olive Branch minions.

The last time the DDs and DOB came face (…to butt…) to face was on DD4L turf and it didn’t go very well.  Not that it ever goes very well when these two teams meet up, but the last confrontation was exceptionally rough.  From what I recall, the whole thing started out poorly and quickly went from bad to worse during the competition until Neva finally ended up herding her girls straight out the emergency exit because of some on-stage drama with Dianna and a big bucket of DDPoo.

News Flash:  Miss D and Miss McG ain’t Besties no mo’.

This week the Dolls were headed to Greenwood, MS where they would also compete against the Envy Dancing Dolls, Royales, the Delta Dynasty Dolls and the Girls Who Never Clean Their Ugg Boots And Don’t Care That They’re All Crusty White With Their Pajama Bottoms.

Full Disclosure:  Dynasty Dolls is also the name of one of those kiddie pageant joints that used to be on Toddlers & Tiaras, so when I foolishly allowed myself to get my hopes up that all my worlds were about to collide, I literally had to pause my DVR and have an aneurysm.  Literally.  I’m pretty sure I even blacked out for a minute.

But how awesome would that have been?  Really.  I mean, c’mon.  Neva was born to be a Pageant Mom.  Gimme that Hard Face.  Hard Face!  Sparkle, Baby!

And give Miss Dianna a big Finger Kiss.  Just like Mama taught you.

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Ok.  Back on track now.

This week, the Dolls would be competing in both the Solo Dance and Stand Battle categories.  Potential Future Captain Tamia scored the Stand Battle lead position, while shy Crystianna finally (…FINALLY!…) got handed her opportunity to shine in a solo.

Hashtag:  TeamCrystianna.  We love Rittany‘s niece.

Granted, we’ve probably only heard her speak a total of 78 words in the past two seasons (…not counting the obligatory “DD4L!” cheers…) but it’s the Quiet Ones you always gotta look out for, right?  Enrolled at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since when she was 5 years old, Crystianna has always struggled to come out of her shell.  But Dianna and Rittany kept the faith and always believed that her time would come.

Side note:  If  you ever doubted that somebody who ain’t the Mama can’t love a child like the real Mama, then you’ve never heard Rittany gush over Crystianna.  Grab a box of Kleenex, pull up a chair and listen to Aunt Rittany school you on how much Crystianna means to her and then we can talk.

As the Dolls got down to rehearsing for the weekend, we scooted over to the DOB Hideout to watch Neva and her team in action.

Now you know I love me some Crazy.  Crazier the better, actually.  Like Neva.

I Bow to the Queen.

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Everything about her skips the needle right off the CrazyChart.  Especially when she’s choreographing her team and whipping her new hair all around the room like she’s about to break the Dance Dance Revolution world record at Dave & Buster’s.

Rip off that fake DD4L shirt!  Stomp them dawgs!  Gimme Face.  Gimme Hard Face!

I swear.  She even backed dat thang up like she was trying to get up a hill in the middle of December with no snow tires.

Trust me.  Some things can never be un-seen.  Ever.

And how about that DOB henchman dude who had to run over from the sidelines and stick a microphone pack back up inside her Juicy Couture pants when she jiggled it out?  Did you see that?  At least I think that’s what he was grabbing at…

The Password Is:  Hazard Pay.

Back at the subzero Dollhouse, everyone’s favorite Mamas were all out on the sidewalk freezing their DDPs off.  Everyone except Tina, that is.  She was nice and toasty warm.

I know, right?  Who would’ve guessed that an insulated Panda Bear suit would one day come in so handy on the frigid streets of Jackson?  And you all laughed at Tina during the Kodansha Anime Artist Panel Conference during last year’s Comic Con.

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Not so funny now, hmm?

Side note:  Somebody needs to tell me what mattress store is way down at the other end of that strip mall so I can get a job there and hang with these Mamas on my lunch hour.

I’m being totally serious.  They have cookies in the trunk of their cars.  And this show needs to be 7 hours long so I can have more time to figure out how Tawantza keeps all that blue eye shadow from clumping in the creases.

Love.  These.  Mamas.

And more Panda Dancing?  Yes, please.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Watching everyone pile out of the bus at each week’s venue always makes me smile for some reason.  No clue why.  But it does.  I don’t know if it’s the shower caps or the fact that they show up with enough luggage to spend a week or what.  I especially enjoy the weeks when tiny Cobe wobbles out all glassy eyed, clutching his Wii handheld like IJustSpentFiveHoursTrappedOnABusWithTheseHensAndImmaBoutToLoseIt.

He is so stinking cute.

Not to be outdone, of course, the DOBs entered the building with their own rally call.  Nice to see that pink zebra print is not just a Jersey Thing anymore.tm

Before the games began, Neva stalked Dianna in the hallway right in front of what I assumed was a snack bar/restroom combo kind of thing.  At least I think that’s what was going on behind them.  There was a bunch of guys waiting in a line for who knows what, pretending to talk on their Sidekicks while they tried to eavesdrop on the action.  And there was also a woman back-to in the bathroom that I first thought was a guy doing his business on-camera.

Wait.  What?

Clearly, when it comes to this show, you really need to watch every episode at least twice so you don’t jump to any conclusions.  Or miss any MimiFaces.

Bonus Points were given to that one guy on his phone who was totally trying to act all Coolio but was totally being all like “Dude, I’m gonna be on TV!” and sucking in his gut because the camera adds 10 pounds.

Love.  This.  Show.  (Rinse & Repeat as needed.)

Needless to say, Miss D wasn’t buying what Neva was selling.  Moving on.

Bonus Points were also given to that fabulous skinny DOB guy who jumped up and down with the girls like he just heard that Zayn Malik had only been messing with 12 year olds everywhere and was actually staying in One Direction.

Psych.  You wish.

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Hold that thought for a minute.

See the picture right above this paragraph?  With Rittany and Mimi?  Besides the fact that my girls are looking so fine, doesn’t it look like one of those comic book panels where the super heroines stand at the top of the local newspaper building looking down over the city with their capes and weaves flapping in the wind while the DD4L signal sweeps across the sky?

They’re totally the heroes that Jackson deserves, but not the ones it needs right now.

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Anyway.

The emcee was wearing sunglasses inside, which drives me crazy.  And I’m almost positive that Bill Cosby was one of the judges.  Did you see that sweater?  That was straight up Cliff Huxstable.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, the DOB solo girl hit the floor.

My Little Beyoncé.

That’s what Neva called her.  Like the Pony.  But Beyoncé instead.

She did pretty well, even though Dianna commented that she did a lot of the same tricks over and over.  Like a One Trick Beyoncé Pony.

(See what I did there?  Full circle.)

And then Neva hit the dance floor.  No lie.

Neva.  Danced.

And it registered at least 4.9 on the McGruder Scale.

There was so much to (…shock…) absorb I still feel like I missed something and I’ve probably re-watched it 25 times already.  It was truly The Dance of The Neva.

Earlier, we discussed the Crazier the Better part, right?

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After all these years of complaining that Abby Lee Miller has never once actually danced when she choreographs her Dance Moms kids, I really can’t diss Neva for shoving her way onto the floor like she was trying to snatch the last $5.99 waffle iron on Black Friday.

I’m dying to.  But I won’t.

It was so IDon’tKnowWhat that it was almost awesome.  Almost.

Mimi’s face, tho.

And for the third time, Bonus Points were given to the crazy a** guy who was bucking with the backup dancers.  I think he was the mic pack guy from earlier, but I’m not sure.

Regardless, he…well, he…WERK, BITCH.  Yaaaaaaas.

Luckily, Crystianna was out next to bring some normalcy back into my world.  And she was amazing.  It was this whole elaborate Egyptian Pyramid kind of thing with fancy costumes and the Sunjai Twins dressed up like they were guarding the Sphinx.

I don’t know what this Crystianna did with the other shy, quiet Crystianna from last season, but this girl was on fiyah.  Fi.  Yah.

Rittany cried.  Strangers cried.  I cried.  Even Mimi got her girls messed up and cried cuz she thought Crystianna was her own kid.

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She killed it.  End of story.  Cut.  Print.

Side note:  Mimi never put her Snow Cone down.  Not once.  Hilarious.

But that was jus the appetizer.  You know the real meal is the Stand Battle.  And it was on, hunty.  Like nobody’s bidnezz.

The Dancing Dolls whipped their hair like they just didn’t care.  The Divas returned the favor with a Football Stand complete with fake DD4L jerseys and an end zone rumble.

Things really started to heat up when the Dolls revved up their signature motorcycle routine with a bonus Reigning Captain Kayla Solo.  Because why not.

The Divas last stand called for all the troops, so in came the Baby Divas who are redoinkulously cute but still can’t compare with the Baby Dolls.  I mean, really?  BDD!

And then the Dolls rolled out the heavy artillery for the final kill shot.

Miss D to the dance floor, please.  OhNoSheBetterDon’t.

Yup.  She did.

Dianna hit the parquet and pretty much burned off the first two layers of floor wax with her moves, which included a 20 minute one foot up in the ayah ayah heel stretch followed by a Death Drop that made ZaTia‘s Mama swallow her gum.

Go home, Tawantza.  You’re drunk.

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If you’re still catching up on some of your stories from the past week, you might wanna turn down your volume before you watch this scene.  Just looking after your best interests.

And your ear canals.

Neva was not happy when she saw Miss D do her thang.  Not at all.

But Bill Cosby loved it, because the Dolls took First Place in the Stand Battle.  And that was on top of Crystianna also grabbing the First Place trophy for her solo!

 A clean sweep, y’all.

Dianna and the girls were over the moon.  And so proud of Crystianna and Tamia, because they both stepped up and got the job done like rockstars.

Neva, on the other hand, was not quite as ecstatic over the results.  But it ain’t over yet.

As the Divas headed back to the DOB Hideout to lick their wounds and plan their next attack, Neva vowed revenge.  You haven’t seen the last of them.  They’ll be back.  And better than ever next time.

I love the way Neva talks all ShaNeNe Sitcom Sassy and stuff.

You know she orders her Starbucks the same way.

Two sugars.  Two snaps.

Because that’s how a Diva do.

Girl, bye.

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