Posts Tagged ‘Dianna “Miss D” Williams’

Bring It! Season Finale: It Ain’t Over Until The DD4L Lady Bucks. The Last Dance Competition Brings The Heat.

Saturday, September 27th, 2014

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When you’re done putting all that Thug In It, would ya mind putting some Back Into It and moving that couch for me?

 

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Is that the pretty one that everyone keeps saying is so crazy?

 

 

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We’re in the middle of practice and a damn couch goes flying by the front window. I swear.

 

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You slap on pink lip gloss and put your arms up like this…My Anaconda Don’t. My Anaconda Don’t.

 

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Like this? Like this? Am I doing it right? Hooty Hooty Hoo. Shooby Doobie Doo. Boo Damn Hoo…

 

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Seriously. What language is that?

 

 

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Don’tchoo worry. Mama got dis.

 

 

 

 

Girrrrl, pleez.

Gimme a minute.  I think I’m in denial.

There’s no way the first full season of Bring It! is over already.  That ain’t right.

So wrong.  But unfortunately, so true.  The season finale just happened.

The Dancing Dolls went to Clarksville, MS to Bring The Heat.  And they brought it.

Brought it all and then left it there because it was too hot to pick up and put back on the bus by the time they were done.  Yeeouch.

The moves.  The passion.  The hunger.  The intensity.  Hell, they even brought a gigantic music video floor sticker with them, which they probably didn’t need to pack since their DD4L initials were clearly burned into the floorboards by the time they left the auditorium.

What a year those Dancing Dolls have had, huh?

Let’s be honest.  Up until about 20 episodes ago, unless you lived within their southern orbit or stumbled upon some youtube videos while Googling ‘Cats Wearing Hats Playing The Piano,’ you probably had never even heard of Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Jackson, MS Dollhouse Dance Factory.

You poor thang.  What an empty life you must have led.

Flash forward about 6 months or so…and Boom.  Bam.  And Pow.d2

Overnight Sensations.  That’s how you do, mmkay?

So now it was the last competition of the season in Clarksville and over at the Dollhouse, Miss D was getting right down to bidnez because this one was gonna be a big deal.

For the first time this season, they would be coming face to face with one of their biggest rivals, the Divas of Olive Branch.  The same Divas who had robbed the Dolls of a First Place trophy at last year’s Battle Royale and ignited a firestorm of controversy earlier in the season over a questionably inappropriate Stand Battle routine that involved a squad of young girls not putting their legs together very much.

You remember that one, right?  The one that Coach Neva McGruder said was supposed to be a moving tribute to America’s love for puppetry, but from my couch looked more like Pinocchio‘s sister trying to make it rain up in here to pay for college.

Let’s just say that Miss D and Neva probably don’t exchange Christmas greeting cards.

At this week’s competition, the Dolls would only be competing in the Stand Battle category.

Dianna would handle the rest, y’all.

Dat’s rite.  This week there was a Coach category, where each director would have to set down their freakin’ cell phones for once and put their money where their booty is to help score points for the team.

Along with the previously mentioned DoOB, the Dolls would also be up against their other top rivals the Prancing Tigerettes, the brand new never heard of before Dazzlin Starz and the Girls Who Bump Into You While They’re Obliviously Texting Smiley Face Emojis And Slurping Starbucks And Yet Somehow Think It’s Your Fault.m

One…it’s not my fault.  And Two…you’re a bitch.

As the girls got to rehearsing their Stands, the Mamas were all outside on the sidewalk getting equally as aggressive.  And equally as sweaty.  Or maybe even more so.

It was the Tina vs. Seloncé SmackDownaPalooza: Part 20.

I’m not even sure how it really started.  Innocently enough, I’m sure.  The blow ups between my two girls always begin innocently enough.  But then something always happens that makes me feel like a missed a crucial 5 second snippet of video that would actually explain why gloves are suddenly coming on and hair is coming off.

Love these Mamas, BTW.  Love.  And make this show two hours.

Let’s get that part over with early again.

As the Mamas all came to the realization that this was the final competition of the season and that Sunjai and Kayla were rapidly approaching their final year as Dolls, Tina announced that Kayla had just signed up for a college tour.  Her first one.  How exciting.

Innocent enough, right?  I thought so, too.  At least until Seloncé (…Hashtag: Flawless…) pointed out that Tina should have already been on that bus a few months ago.

Uh oh.

Somehow the whole thing quickly escalated into Tina assuming that Seloncé was judging her as a parent.  Which she wasn’t.  Which Tina didn’t need (…even though, one mo’ time, she wasn’t…) because 18, 262 people had already judged her parenting skills since she became pregnant with Kayla at 15 years old, thank you very much.

(Bonus Points for keeping track of all the haters over the years, Tina.  I don’t even remember how many people dumped me in high school, though it’s probably around the same number if you include three years of Summer Camp.)st

But haters gonna hate.  And you don’t need ‘em.

Tina lost her noodle.

Seloncé did all the hand choreography from Single Ladies again that she does whenever they fight.  Tina was all like GetOutMyFace.  Seloncé was all like I’mNotInYoFace.  Tina did that LawdDon’tLetMeWhoopThisBitch two fists up in the air thing she always does right before she pops off on Seloncé.

Hall Monitor Mimi started working up some pretty sweet cartoon MimiFaces and knew she’d have to activate Peace Maker Mode pretty soon.

Side note:  I’m starting to think that It’s Rittany Bitch knows how to sleep with her eyes open.  She’s always perfectly calm and just leans back on the wall watching the show like she just scored a deal on floor seats from that sketchy Stub Hub ticket joint.

Love these Mamas.  So nice I said it twice.

And then…

You know the Incredible Hulk, right?  From The Avengers movie and all that?

Did you know that in the comic books there’s actually a RED one, too?

I know, right?  Shut up.  A red Incredible Hulk.

Just a little something that flashed into my mind as Tina flipped over the couch that JJ had worked so hard at delivering last week.  I mean flipped.  And then pushed across the cement like she was getting paid to plow snow in a Walmart parking lot.

Tina Strong.  Tina Smash.

As the Red One stormed down the strip mall sidewalk tipping over cars and snapping off fire hydrants, Mimi scooted after her like any friend would do.

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Because they’re friends.  And family.  And it always comes back to that.  They don’t shout it from the rooftops or put it on a shirt (…though Gawd knows they could, since they wear a new DD4L iron-on transfer every damn week…) but they’re tight.  Family Tight.

They may have your weave in one hand, but they got your back with the other.

Tina had taken Seloncé’s comments out of context and let years of other people’s judgements cloud her own.  It happens.  But where you start out and where you end up can be two different paths.  And Tina has proven that to be true after all this time.  Her baby turned out just fine.  And she loves her baby.  And her baby loves her.  So there.

Tina just needed Mimi to help her put it all back into perspective.

Not gonna lie.  The whole thing gave me some Feels.  Fuzzy ones.

Tina apologized and they all hugged it out.  All four of them.

And I totally wanted in on that DDP Sandwich.

Back inside, as sectional furniture was flying around the parking lot, Dianna was losing her own noodle on the girls.  Rehearsal wasn’t going too well.  Miss D was so stressed out about breaking a hip during her Coach Dance that she had zero patience for any mistakes that the team was making in the Stand routines.

She was turked up.  Which is different than twerked up.  Or turnt up.  Google it.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Neva time!  And Quincy time!  And Helenor time!

Wait.  What?  Who?

Helenor was the Coach for the Dazzlin Starz, which nobody still seemed to know, even though they showed up with plenty of people in yellow tee shirts.

Well, they know ‘em now.

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My boy Quincy Oliver had added at least one busload of girls to the Prancing Tigerettes roster since we last saw him, as did Neva, which brought her own Divas of Olive Branch headcount to about 85 sparkly onesies.

Neva brought along one of those paper fans that Kenya Moore kept snapping in everyone’s face during the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Show a few months ago.  I guess Neva is also Gone With The Wind Fabulous now, which won’t make any sense at all to you if you don’t watch Bravo.

Quincy brought along some new quasi-Eddie Munster hair, which may or may not have actually been growing out of his own head.  I say that because someone tweeted out a youtube How-To on attaching that little wiglet he was (…allegedly, or maybe not…) wearing and since everyone knows my complete lack of knowledge on the subject matter, I’m gonna weave…I mean leave…this discussion for another day.

Side note:  Anyone notice that I’ve gone almost two whole recaps without using the words ‘Shower’ and ‘Cap?’   See?  I’m trying.  I really am.  Death threats will do that.

The Coach Battles were pretty low key until Dianna hit the stage.  A skinny guy danced around with such abandon that I thought maybe the Director’s Lounge had offered up an Open Bar for the first two hours.  There was also a tear-away costume change into a really hard split.  Not by him, tho.  If it hurt that much just to watch it, I can’t imagine what it felt like to actually do it on a basketball court.

Then Dianna rolled out onto the floor.  Literally.  Rolled.  Out.

JJ, Calvin and Terrell (…DDDs in the house, yo!…) rolled her out on some kind of freakin’ Mardi Gras float that looked like a cross between one of the Microsoft screen icons and a Macy’s Holiday Window.

F’realz.  Somebody in the audience even yelled ‘Show me your t**s and throw me some beads’ which was hilariously inappropriate at the time.

Lawd, Miss D.  That bitch was rolled out and turnt up now.

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The crowd went nuts.  Dianna dropped her splits like they were hot, did that Statue of Liberty thing from last week and even busted out a Death Drop that would make RuPaul and Nia Frazier so proud.

(Shout out to Dance Moms!)

Srsly.  I need to find somebody to start wheeling me around town on that thing, cuz…

Dang, girl.

After Miss D finished up and the building pumped enough pure oxygen back into the auditorium to revive the audience, the Dazzlin Starz faced off against the Divas of Olive Branch in the first Stand Battle.

Side note:  Props to Seloncé for working a glue gun like a Boss and making those individual fuzzy boa signs for all the Mamas.  Looks like she learned her lesson after that whole Balloongate fiasco.  Martha Stewart would give her the finger, but I give her two thumbs up.

Then the Dolls went up against the Prancing Tigerettes.

That PT lipstick, tho.

And then…wha–?  The DoOB and the PTs got sent packing.  They lost their individual battles.  Neva wasn’t happy.  At all.  Quincy wasn’t happy.  At all.

Even Dianna wasn’t very happy, because she had hoped to finally even the score with the Divas of Olive Branch and show those stinky puppets a thing or two.  But that would have to wait for another day now.

That also meant that the final Stand Battle would be the Dancing Dolls going up against whoever those Dazzlin Starz girls were.  (Remember my name now, suckahs?)

It was on.  And the Starz held their own, I gotz to say.  They kept up and gave as good as they got.  Almost.

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The Dancing Dolls are da bomb.  And they won.  They regained their title as Numero Uno and everyone went bazoinkers.  I even dumped by soda when I jumped up to do the Official DDP Happy Dance with Tina.

(Full disclosure:  I may, or may not, dance in front of my TV screen during moments of #FatGirlShuffle weakness and pretend that Kayla’s Mama and I are at the club getting buck.  Don’t you judge me.)

Dianna won First Place.  The Dolls won First Place.  Everyone went spaz.

Miss D couldn’t believe how the girls had taken the initiative to practice and learn the Stands after such wobbly practices.  She was surprised.  But then not really surprised.

The Mamas had all raised some amazing daughters that were growing into some amazing young adults.  That whole hard-working, positive self-esteeming, academic-achieving thing that Dianna always preaches seemed to be working.

And then it was over.  For the entire season.  But they’ll be back before you know it.

Next week, actually.  For a two hour special!

Not gonna lie.  When the announcer said ‘Get ready to go on tour with the Dolls’ I started packing my gym bag with all my fringed spandex and delicates until I realized that it was only a commercial and not an actual invitation for a seat on the bus.  (I call ShotGun next to Tina if Lifetime ever changes their mind, though.  Can you even imagine that road trip?)

The Dancing Dolls have proven all the haters wrong.

Which is something that haters really hate.

Say it with me.  And Taelar.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: The Big Dolls And Baby Dolls Are Bucking For Revenge, So Have A Seat On The Couch And Let’s Do This!

Saturday, September 20th, 2014

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How ’bout you get back to your own babies before you get five of these upside yo’ head?

 

 

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What a Daddy’s gotta do is drop this thing on top of the next hen who tells me to Back It Up.

 

 

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AwNah. I don’t need my Thinking Cap to know that’s one big a*** couch sitting on that sidewalk.

 

 

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Put your damn arm down, Gurl. There’s no waitress tonight.

 

 

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AwShoot. Knew I shouldn’ta put on Hello Kitty gloss. Miss D gon’ think I’m Nicki Minaj.

 

 

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It’s not a Nintendo, you crazy bitch. Stop trying to shoot laser beams and watch your kid.

 

 

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Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.

 

 

 

 

Make this show be two hours.

Just freakin’ do it, already.  Bring It!…and do it.

And now that we got that weekly rant out of the way earlier than normal…

Moving on.

With only two competitions left in the season, it was time for Coach Dianna Williams to ramp up the intensity another notch or ten as she prepared the girls for their last few remaining battles.  Something that she doesn’t have any problem doing, by the way.

Not at all.

You thought last week was crucial, Girlfriend?  Well tell me how you feel after you’ve run a few hundred laps in the hot sun around an abandoned strip mall parking lot.

Because that’s how the Dancing Dolls got the party started this week; by running in circles in front of what was either an old Circuit City or that mall from The Walking Dead.

I’m not sure where they were.  Never having been to Mississippi I don’t really know that much about Jackson, which is why I usually make up over 90% of these recaps.

I know it’s hot.  I know they like their Ten Piece Take-Out with the bone still in.  And I know they have abnormally, terrifyingly large mosquitoes.  Do I really need to remind you about that time Snoop Dawg Mimi blew out two of my four surround sound speakers when a bug landed on her face?

(Seriously.  How much do we love this lady?  Especially when she starts talking in MimiTongue and gets all Dat’sMyBabyDat’sMyBaby!  MwahMwahMwah!)dw

So, yeah.  My Jackson 411 is pretty limited.  Let’s just assume that Jackson has more electronic stores than zombies and go with Circuit City.  We’re wasting time.

As the girls busted out a few loops, the Mamas were back at the Dollhouse getting sneaky with their recentlly acquired DDP/NSA surveillance system.

The baby monitor had arrived and was ready for installation!

Remember a few weeks ago when the Mamas were charging $2 bucks a pop for all that junk in their trunk (…that certainly didn’t come out the way it was intended….) in order to raise money for a new state-of-the-art nursery camera that would finally allow them visual access inside the building?

Well, contrary to a number of you online, the Moms weren’t wearing all the bake sale profits on their head for the last two episodes.  The monitor was apparently just on back order at JCPenney and took longer to ship than expected.

But it was here now and ready to be snuck into the Dollhouse.

Which was Seloncé‘s job, of course, because whether it’s covert military maneuvers or Meerkat Manor, you always throw the crazy one down the hole first.

As the unbeweavable Tina stood guard in the doorway, Seloncé raced inside to sneak the camera behind that big a** pile of trophies on the floor.  Can you hear me?  Can you hear me?  I’m looking at you from the front door, fool.  I can see you.

That’s not what I asked.  Can you hear me?

Lawd, Seloncé just gives me Life.  XOXO

Honestly, the only person I’ve ever seen fumble through a tech installation more awkwardly than Sunjai‘s Mama is a Comcast employee.

At least Seloncé shows up on time.  r

As Miss D and the Dolls rounded the last corner (…zombie-free, BTW..) Mimi bellowed out the DDP Hi De Ho Hooty Hoo Shoo Bee Doo Call and everyone evacuated the building with only seconds to spare.

This week’s competition, entitled Welcome To Tigerland for some reason, was going to be a really big show.  Pretty much every hip hop team below the Rhode Island state line would be there, including LCDC, the St.  Louis Dazzling Diamonds, the Diamonds of Essence All-Stars, the Sparkling Diamondettes, the Ladies of Excellence, the Dazzling Starlets, the Divas of Distinction, the Girls Who Can Wait In Line Overnight For An iPhone 6 But Flip Out When There Is One Person Ahead Of Them At Burger King Looking For Change In Her Purse and a few teams I’m sure I missed.

Yes, Kayla.  You better pack a lunch.  It’s gonna be a long one.

Side note:  Dianna felt the need to point out that the St. Louis Dazzling Diamonds were from St. Louis.  Ok, then.  Thanks.  I guess.

The Dolls would be competing in the Parade category and Stand Battle.

Blah Blah Blah.  Baby Dolls!

Yaaaas, hunty!  The Baby Dolls were back!!!!

TaelarDestiniMini-Kayla & Company were all back to join the Big Dolls in the Parade performance.  Full disclosure:  I may or may not have squealed just a little bit again.

These tiny babies are so cute it makes my front teeth hurt.  So freakin’ sweet.

Side note:  If someone isn’t already working on the animated Bring It! Holiday Special (…with Animagic stop-motion puppets like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, not a cartoon, thank you very much…) then you’re not doing your damn job.  t

I mean, c’mon.  Can’t you already picture puppet Taelar and her big puppet hair bow going to the Island of Misfit Toys to save them all from a sad puppet Christmas?

You know she’d sing a song with a polar bear cub and then put her puppet arms up in the air all like AuuuughWahh!!!

Destini could join her on her sleigh ride to the Island, but she’d need something warmer than her Thinking Cap from Fred’s.  Because she totally said that.

I’m not even joking.  This just needs to happen.

The upcoming competition was a big dealio.  And Miss D don’t play, so you knew she was going to work the pee-wee team just as hard as the senior squad.  As the big ones and little ones all got to rehearsing, there was also plenty of action outside on the sidewalk.

Because it was Furniture Delivery Day.

F’realz.

Baby Daddy JJ and his crew showed up with a couch.

You heard me.  A couch.

But not just a couch.  It was one of those infomercial couches that either has hidden storage under the arm pads or a reclining footrest or built-in cup holders and a place for your remote.  The kind of overstuffed pleather-looking couch that you just wipe clean with a ShamWow if you spill your Vitamix smoothie.

With a matching end table and artificial potted plant, of course, because Seloncé always says that accessories make the outfit.  Gurl was on point this week, so you know she knows her shiz.

It was the ultimate in Sidewalk Seating for the Mamas to chillax on while they watched the baby monitor.  Sign me up for that gig.jj

Bonus Points:  Considering that the Girls Scouts of America can’t even put up a bus station card table without two permits and a city hall hearing, I should give a shout out to JJ for just backing his truck up over the curb and furnishing a section of Jackson’s public property like it was his day job.

THAT’S how you do what a Daddy has to do, people.  That’s how you do.

Back inside, Camryn and Tamia were starting to show some rivalry for this whole Captain position thang that would be opening up when Kayla graduated next year.  After each Big Doll was handed three Baby Dolls for some focused choreographical (…is that even a word?…) attention, Tamia kept poking her stuff all up in Cammie’s bidnez.

T: Just trying to help you.”

C: “Help yo’self.  I got me.”

OhNoSheDin’t.  Snap.  Sombody’s got some MimiDNA in her, yo.

Then Mimi said ‘Dat’sMyBaby!’ one mo’ time and blew out my two remaining speakers.

Side note:  For the Love of God.  It’s  Head.  Head.  Wrap.

And then the baby monitor somehow acquired the power of levitation and ended up in the middle of the floor.  Really.

Busted.

After explaining to Seloncé that it was actually the camera that was upside down and not the girls, everyone went into total sitcom panic mode as Dianna scooped the surveillance device up off the ground and stormed outside to confront the Mamas.s

Honestly, I could watch these four ladies bump into each other like Teletubbies all night.

When they get together and one of their hair brained plans backfires, it’s kinda like watching I Love Lucy and Laverne & Shirley at the same time.  On the same TV.

Or maybe exactly like.

I’m starting to wish I hadn’t already ranted about making this show two hours long, because I would totally do it right here.  But I already did it.  So I won’t.

Love me some DDPs, though.

Side note:  Seloncé in her #Flawless tee, red hot leggings and Beyoncé doo wop up-do was Da Bomb.  Dot.com.

Back in the Factory, the Big Dolls were working on the Statue of Liberty Stand.  Which was almost exactly what it sounds like:  Somebody standing on someone else and raising her leg way up like it’s a torch.

America, people.  America.

Have you ever watched the old Bugs Bunny Warner Bros. cartoons where Sylvester‘s little cat nephew follows him everywhere and drives him crazy?

That was Tamia following Camryn around.  Just saying.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I like when we get to meet the other coaches in the hallways and they’re hyped up and all like WeGonnaWinAndKillIt! during their interviews.  tae

Except for that one Tool last week who said to give the little trophy to the girls (…I understand, dude.  I’m sure you don’t need to be staring at one more tiny thing in your locker room….) everyone else is always positive and promoting the messages of persistence and high self-esteem that this show is centered around.

In it to win it, yes.  But they’re all still doing it in a positive manner and having fun at the same time.  The coaches clearly love their kids and what they do.

So props to them.  Even the guy who said the Dolls were sloppy.

Lawdy, it’s hot in Memphis.

E’rrybody was sweatin’.  Mimi was having a flash or two in the audience.  Tina was flapping around an empty paper plate like she was serving up pizza at a Little Italy street fair.  The Dolls were backing it up against any working fan they could find in the makeup room.  It was getting ripe.

Somebody even smelled like Fruit Roll-Ups.

Which I guess was still better than some of the alternatives.

During the Parade routine, Dianna wanted the audience to see tongues hanging out and the blacks of their gums, whatever that means.  I’m not touching that one.

She does get props for mentioning proper oral hygiene, though, because shiny white teeth are always the key to any good tongue wag.  You heard it here first, kids.

Can we just say that the Dolls Shut. It. Down. during the Parade routine?

Because that’s what they did.  Shut. It. Down.

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Bonus Points:  To Coach Brittany Grayson from the Ladies of Excellence for watching the routine and then saying that the Dolls were gorgeous.  Taking the high road and supporting your competitors instead of smack talking them behind their back makes you gorgeous too, ma’am.  Well done.

After the first 247 teams were eliminated, it came down to the Dancing Dolls vs. the Dynamic Diamond Dollz for the Stand Battle.

And no tie this time.  Ain’t gonna happen.  Because it was ON.

Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Boom.  Bam.  Pow.

The DDDz did an Earthquake Shake.  The DDs almost gave Miss D an aneurism when they climbed on top of each other’s sweaty backs for the Statue of Liberty pose.

And then it was over.

The Dolls took a chance in 400% humidity.  They saw it.  Grasped it.  Almost slipped on it.

And then won it.

First Place in both Parade and Stand Battle!

But now the bad news.  Only one more competition before the season ends.

I know, right?  Sad.

Next week is the last dance.  And the return of the Divas of Olive Branch.

Wait.  What?

I remember them.

Oooh, Gurrrrl…your puppet stanks.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: The Dolls Face The Dollz In A Memphis Rematch. We’re Talking Hip Hop, Booty Pops…And Do I See Boys?

Friday, September 12th, 2014

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Yaaaaaaaas, Honey! I wanted to ride that crazy bitch like a big diesel John Deere Weave Whacker!

 

 

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Excuse me?

 

 

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Honestly, I’m way too stressed out about this whole Hip Hop thang to even begin tryna figure out my Mama.

 

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We’re going Uptown to lay some Smack Down on M-Town. It’s time to spank some babies, y’all.

 

 

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Bitch, pleez. My trophy for ‘Biggest DBag Compensating For His Inadequacy’ is bigger than that. Give it to the gurlz.

 

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Excuse me?

 

 

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Lawd Have Mercy. There ain’t enough cookies in the trunk or cake in the oven for all this drama.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

It’s always sumthin in Memphis.

Well, maybe not when it comes to the BBQ ribs, because those are consistently pretty tasty no matter where you end up.  They’re also not as messy as the Kansas City rub variety, which is a plus if you just got your nails did or have your son’s birthday party scheduled for next weekend.

But if you and your Bring It! crew are planning to head across the border from Jackson in search of some drama-free Hip Hopping?

Then, yeah.  It’s gonna be sumthin.  Always.

Just ask the Dancing Dolls.

Been There.  Done That.  Got the Bedazzled T-shirt.

This week Dianna Williams and the girls were headed back to that little corner of Tennessee again to prove, once and for all, who Run The World.  Or at least the city of Memphis.  And hopefully with less stress and scoring errors than they’ve encountered during their last few visits.

In addition to competing in the Stand Battle (…which the Dolls can set on fiyah in their sleep, thank you very much…) the Team was also signed up for a whole new category.

Hip Hop.

Side note:  As Miss D laid out all the deets, that sound you heard in the background was just Camryn knocking her head against the wall so many times that she went through the sheet rock into the adjoining retail establishment.

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Clearly, our girl’s not a big fan of the Hip.  Or the Hop.

Assuming that they even made it past the Memphis Border Patrol, the Dolls would be going up against the Sensational Divas, the Divas of Distinction, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz and the Girls Who Honestly Believe That They Stand A Chance Of Marrying One Of The Guys From 5 Seconds Of Summer.

(Good luck with that one, by the way.)

Oh.  And did I mention that the Dolls would also be facing M-Town Image?

No way.  Boyz?  In the hizzle?

M-Town was apparently a Memphis big dealio made up of nothing but boy parts, so that just raised the bar for Miss D and the Dolls.  You know how those boys dance nowadays.

As the girls all formed a human tug-of-war chain to pull Cammie’s head out of the neighboring Sleep Number Bed store, the DDP Mamas were all outside in the midst of their own majorly awesome Weave War.

I know, right?  I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Turns out that my girl Tina, Neighborhood Surveillance MonitorMom Mimi and It’s Rittany Bitch all had a little problem with the mylar balloon arch that Seloncé had carted into last week’s competition in honor of Sunjai‘s first Stand Battle.

You know the one.  The one that spelled out S-U-N-J-A-I in letters so big that the crew of the International Space Station is still using it to recharge their solar panels and take selfies from 248 miles away.  That balloon arch.

ts1

Seloncé didn’t see anything wrong with celebrating her child.  Heck, Tina has a closet full of curvy Kayla Couture and Mimi’s got that gigantic Cammie Head-On-A-Stick (…which I totally need for my own gigantic Head-On-A-Stick collection, BTW.  Hook a brotha up…)

So what was all the whoop about a big a** balloon arch?

You had to see it to truly appreciate it.

Everyone was trying to explain how they should be celebrating the entire team, not just one girl.  It was everyone’s day, not just Sunjai’s day.  Everyone was talking at once.  They were looking at each other and then they were turning their backs on each other and then they were looking at each other again.

I call a Weave War!

And then Tina just whipped it.  Whipped it good.

Right in Seloncé’s face.  Like one of those spinning mop things they use to clean the marble post office floors that always snap your ankles when you try to walk around the crazy maintenance guy.

Oh, you got some hair now?  Well so do I.

Hair whip.  Hair whip.  MmmHmm.  MmmHmm.

Tina werked it like I don’t know what.  And then Seloncé did.  And then back and then forth.  Mimi even got a mouthful when she accidentally got too near the line of fire.

I’m pretty sure Seloncé actually did part of the Single Ladies dance at some point.

Check it out:s

Mimi tried to break it down and make Seloncé see how she always turns every Sunjai Day into a Seloncé Day.  Both of which should totally be National Holidays when the Stock Market doesn’t open, if anyone is asking for my opinion.

Side note:  You can tell Rittany works in retail, because she just stood there with her face in her palm like I used to do every Black Friday.  Once you’ve seen people throw down over a waffle iron at 5am…you’ve seen it all.

And then somehow the whole discussion suddenly turned to cake.  Which Tina loves.  Next thing you knew, the two of them were hugging it out and realizing that their energy would be better spent whipping up a box of Betty Crocker Red Velvet.

Because, I mean…who doesn’t like cake?

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Two.  Hours.

Back inside, the Dolls were revving up a new Motorcycle Stand.  Literally.

Like you’d see on America’s Got Talent or something, where the girls all climbed on top of each other and turned themselves into a human motorcycle.

Which you pedaled, like a normal bike.  Wait.  What?

I know.  I didn’t ask.  Dianna seemed so into the motorcycle concept that I didn’t want to burst her bubble.  Plus, I’m already afraid she’s gonna hold a grudge when I point out all that DD4L Christmas Tree Shoppe clutter again.

You see all that?  Boxes and glitter ‘Ds’ and plastic fake tupperware things from Target and that one lone broken leg crutch that’s still behind the desk.

Gurrrl, that shizz is EVERYwhere.

But I looove me some DD4L, so it’s all good until the fire department shuts you down.bp

ATTENTION! We interrupt this recap for a special announcement:

Happy Birthday, Cobe!  

It was the little peanut’s Big Day, so Dianna rented out an entire Community Center for a party waaaaay better than anything her son would get at Chuck E Cheese’s.

Full disclosure:  At first I thought it was a prison she rented out.  Really.  I swear that’s what the outside of that building looked like, but then I couldn’t recall ever seeing photos of any maximum security cellblock with an inflatable slide and a bouncy tent.  I also thought that Cobe ran through a tunnel of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which turned out to be incorrect as well, so I think I’ll just let Dianna do all the party planning from now on and I’ll stick to what I know.

Or pretend to know.

I will also take off my cardboard party cone hat and salute pee wee Cobe for being such a playground playa.

Srsly.  Did you see all the grammar school babes he had dancing around him?  Dude has no adult teeth yet, but he’s got some serious Game.

After a few more slices of cake, because…I mean, you know… it’s cake…everyone scooted back to the Dollhouse for the final Hip Hop cuts.

Since I’m still getting death threats for making fun of the shower caps, we’ll skip right over this part.  But the names, tho.

(Love this show.  Two hours, please.  That’s all I’m asking.)cc

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Dolls hadn’t seen the Dollz (…with a ‘Z’…) since the Bucking Burlesque Battle, so Dianna knew that by now their opponents would be packing some new Stands, which DDDirector John Connor was more than happy to brag about when they arrived.

Remember John?  He’s the one with all the tattoos and not enough carbs.  Nice guy.  I like him even though the he could use a little more cake.

You couldn’t miss M-Town when they showed up, because they came into the building like every dude I ever knew in high school (…myself included…) who walked into every Friday night cafetorium dance all YoYo and Let’sDoThis and HeyGirlSup? getting all FistPump on everyone in their orbit.

Boys.

M-Town Director Robert Ward made it crystal clear that his team could do everything from B-Boying to astrophysics and teleportation.  He kept tilting his head back and forth like DangGirlYouFine so much that his baseball cap ended up spinning around backwards.

Camryn was still stress bagging a little bit as the competition got ready to begin.  Before they headed to Memphis Mimi had pointed out that Cammie needed to be well-rounded if she wanted to make it in the World of Dance.  Not everybody likes Hip Hop.  But not everybody likes Algebra either, but you gotta do whatchoo gotta do sometimes.

That’s what happens when you’re too young to remember the TV show Fame.  

Forget all this pussy Glee stuff.  You want Fame?  Well Fame costs.  But you wouldn’t know that if you’ve never felt Debbie Allen slam a dance stick into your big toe right before call-back auditions.k

PS.  I wanna live forever.  Google it.

Side note:  While Dianna was giving her final pep talk before the Big Game, Camryn was shaking and practicing so much behind Miss D that I thought Lifetime had hired a sign language interpreter.

Relax, honey.  You’ll be fine.

When M-Town hit the floor in head-to-toe Mr. Clean, they Hip Hop danced like boys Hip Hop dance.  I don’t think they were ready for Step Up 3D: Part 7, but I like that thing where you go from laying on your stomach to backing up onto the tip of your Jordans.

Whatever that’s called.

Then the Dolls hit the floor.  Hit it Hip Hop Hard.  In sequined varsity jackets.

And it was Buck.  And how ’bout dat Kayla?  Holy KaylaMoly, Batman.  All slo-mo Running Man and chest popping and tucking all the boys’ stuff right back up where it came from.

Sheeoooot.

And can we please have a special trophy next time just for Tina?  Cuz that bitch can’t sit still.  She was doing her signature shuffle all over the place.  And it gave me Life.

Whoever draws the short straw each week and has to sit next to Kayla’s Mama in the audience is guaranteed to go home with a bruise or two.

The crowd was going nuts.  The DDPs were going nuts.  I was going nuts.  mh1

By the time the Dolls slammed down their jackets and ended the Hip Hop routine with a Time Bomb I think my pajamas were on backwards.

Side note:  Excuse me, but I saw some Baby Dolls.  Whaaaat?  If this show was two hours like it was supposed to be, we could have seen them perform.  Just saying.

As the Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Dollz kicked into super-turbo high gear, everyone in the building was so wound up that taking the time to install all those seats in the building now seemed rather pointless.

The Dollz totally ripped off the Baby Dolls’ WhatTimeIsItOnMyNewAppleWatch? move by tapping their forearms, by the way.  I see what you did there.  Not cool.

But they done good otherwise.  Even Mimi had to admit they upgraded.

Not that it mattered by the time the Dolls rode that motorcycle.  Not one bit.  Construction guys actually came in and removed all the seats and nobody even noticed.

It was crazy.  Dianna ran in circles just slapping random strangers it was so good while Mimi jumped on Seloncé’s back and rode her all the way back to Jackson.

And then the awards were handed out.  The Dolls won First Place for Hip Hop and Robert Ward won First Place for being a Sore Loser.

The Twitterverse called him ‘salty’ (…which I don’t even know what that means…) but I prefer the term ‘being a Tool.’  Because that’s totally what he was doing.

h 2

He said that M-Town doesn’t care about trophies.  (Right.)  Because M-Town wins all the time.  (How’s that working out for you today?)  And besides, it was a little trophy.  (Mine’s bigger than yours.)  So just give it to the girls.

Thanks for the offer, dude.  But it looks like somebody already beat you to it.

Booyeah.  FistPump.

And then the Stand Battle ended in a tie.

Hold up.  A tie?

Q.  What is it with Memphis?  It’s always sumthin.  And how many outfits did John pack for this trip?  Seriously.  He was in different clothes every time they interviewed him.

Boys.  Go figure.

So another week was over.  Another win.  And another chance to learn and grow.

Camryn added another style of dance to her resume and made Mama proud.

Kayla proved that she can hang with the boys and lead her team to victory.  And the DDPs were still intact and feeling the love.  And that’s what the show is always about.

Family.  Friends.  And the Message.

That calls for a celebration.

And some cake.

Because…you know.

DD4L!

tf


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