Posts Tagged ‘Dianna “Miss D” Williams’

Bring It!: The Dolls Face The Dollz In A Memphis Rematch. We’re Talking Hip Hop, Booty Pops…And Do I See Boys?

Friday, September 12th, 2014

mimi

 

 

Yaaaaaaaas, Honey! I wanted to ride that crazy bitch like a big diesel John Deere Weave Whacker!

 

 

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Excuse me?

 

 

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Honestly, I’m way too stressed out about this whole Hip Hop thang to even begin tryna figure out my Mama.

 

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We’re going Uptown to lay some Smack Down on M-Town. It’s time to spank some babies, y’all.

 

 

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Bitch, pleez. My trophy for ‘Biggest DBag Compensating For His Inadequacy’ is bigger than that. Give it to the gurlz.

 

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Excuse me?

 

 

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Lawd Have Mercy. There ain’t enough cookies in the trunk or cake in the oven for all this drama.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

It’s always sumthin in Memphis.

Well, maybe not when it comes to the BBQ ribs, because those are consistently pretty tasty no matter where you end up.  They’re also not as messy as the Kansas City rub variety, which is a plus if you just got your nails did or have your son’s birthday party scheduled for next weekend.

But if you and your Bring It! crew are planning to head across the border from Jackson in search of some drama-free Hip Hopping?

Then, yeah.  It’s gonna be sumthin.  Always.

Just ask the Dancing Dolls.

Been There.  Done That.  Got the Bedazzled T-shirt.

This week Dianna Williams and the girls were headed back to that little corner of Tennessee again to prove, once and for all, who Run The World.  Or at least the city of Memphis.  And hopefully with less stress and scoring errors than they’ve encountered during their last few visits.

In addition to competing in the Stand Battle (…which the Dolls can set on fiyah in their sleep, thank you very much…) the Team was also signed up for a whole new category.

Hip Hop.

Side note:  As Miss D laid out all the deets, that sound you heard in the background was just Camryn knocking her head against the wall so many times that she went through the sheet rock into the adjoining retail establishment.

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Clearly, our girl’s not a big fan of the Hip.  Or the Hop.

Assuming that they even made it past the Memphis Border Patrol, the Dolls would be going up against the Sensational Divas, the Divas of Distinction, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz and the Girls Who Honestly Believe That They Stand A Chance Of Marrying One Of The Guys From 5 Seconds Of Summer.

(Good luck with that one, by the way.)

Oh.  And did I mention that the Dolls would also be facing M-Town Image?

No way.  Boyz?  In the hizzle?

M-Town was apparently a Memphis big dealio made up of nothing but boy parts, so that just raised the bar for Miss D and the Dolls.  You know how those boys dance nowadays.

As the girls all formed a human tug-of-war chain to pull Cammie’s head out of the neighboring Sleep Number Bed store, the DDP Mamas were all outside in the midst of their own majorly awesome Weave War.

I know, right?  I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Turns out that my girl Tina, Neighborhood Surveillance MonitorMom Mimi and It’s Rittany Bitch all had a little problem with the mylar balloon arch that Seloncé had carted into last week’s competition in honor of Sunjai‘s first Stand Battle.

You know the one.  The one that spelled out S-U-N-J-A-I in letters so big that the crew of the International Space Station is still using it to recharge their solar panels and take selfies from 248 miles away.  That balloon arch.

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Seloncé didn’t see anything wrong with celebrating her child.  Heck, Tina has a closet full of curvy Kayla Couture and Mimi’s got that gigantic Cammie Head-On-A-Stick (…which I totally need for my own gigantic Head-On-A-Stick collection, BTW.  Hook a brotha up…)

So what was all the whoop about a big a** balloon arch?

You had to see it to truly appreciate it.

Everyone was trying to explain how they should be celebrating the entire team, not just one girl.  It was everyone’s day, not just Sunjai’s day.  Everyone was talking at once.  They were looking at each other and then they were turning their backs on each other and then they were looking at each other again.

I call a Weave War!

And then Tina just whipped it.  Whipped it good.

Right in Seloncé’s face.  Like one of those spinning mop things they use to clean the marble post office floors that always snap your ankles when you try to walk around the crazy maintenance guy.

Oh, you got some hair now?  Well so do I.

Hair whip.  Hair whip.  MmmHmm.  MmmHmm.

Tina werked it like I don’t know what.  And then Seloncé did.  And then back and then forth.  Mimi even got a mouthful when she accidentally got too near the line of fire.

I’m pretty sure Seloncé actually did part of the Single Ladies dance at some point.

Check it out:s

Mimi tried to break it down and make Seloncé see how she always turns every Sunjai Day into a Seloncé Day.  Both of which should totally be National Holidays when the Stock Market doesn’t open, if anyone is asking for my opinion.

Side note:  You can tell Rittany works in retail, because she just stood there with her face in her palm like I used to do every Black Friday.  Once you’ve seen people throw down over a waffle iron at 5am…you’ve seen it all.

And then somehow the whole discussion suddenly turned to cake.  Which Tina loves.  Next thing you knew, the two of them were hugging it out and realizing that their energy would be better spent whipping up a box of Betty Crocker Red Velvet.

Because, I mean…who doesn’t like cake?

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Two.  Hours.

Back inside, the Dolls were revving up a new Motorcycle Stand.  Literally.

Like you’d see on America’s Got Talent or something, where the girls all climbed on top of each other and turned themselves into a human motorcycle.

Which you pedaled, like a normal bike.  Wait.  What?

I know.  I didn’t ask.  Dianna seemed so into the motorcycle concept that I didn’t want to burst her bubble.  Plus, I’m already afraid she’s gonna hold a grudge when I point out all that DD4L Christmas Tree Shoppe clutter again.

You see all that?  Boxes and glitter ‘Ds’ and plastic fake tupperware things from Target and that one lone broken leg crutch that’s still behind the desk.

Gurrrl, that shizz is EVERYwhere.

But I looove me some DD4L, so it’s all good until the fire department shuts you down.bp

ATTENTION! We interrupt this recap for a special announcement:

Happy Birthday, Cobe!  

It was the little peanut’s Big Day, so Dianna rented out an entire Community Center for a party waaaaay better than anything her son would get at Chuck E Cheese’s.

Full disclosure:  At first I thought it was a prison she rented out.  Really.  I swear that’s what the outside of that building looked like, but then I couldn’t recall ever seeing photos of any maximum security cellblock with an inflatable slide and a bouncy tent.  I also thought that Cobe ran through a tunnel of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which turned out to be incorrect as well, so I think I’ll just let Dianna do all the party planning from now on and I’ll stick to what I know.

Or pretend to know.

I will also take off my cardboard party cone hat and salute pee wee Cobe for being such a playground playa.

Srsly.  Did you see all the grammar school babes he had dancing around him?  Dude has no adult teeth yet, but he’s got some serious Game.

After a few more slices of cake, because…I mean, you know… it’s cake…everyone scooted back to the Dollhouse for the final Hip Hop cuts.

Since I’m still getting death threats for making fun of the shower caps, we’ll skip right over this part.  But the names, tho.

(Love this show.  Two hours, please.  That’s all I’m asking.)cc

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Dolls hadn’t seen the Dollz (…with a ‘Z’…) since the Bucking Burlesque Battle, so Dianna knew that by now their opponents would be packing some new Stands, which DDDirector John Connor was more than happy to brag about when they arrived.

Remember John?  He’s the one with all the tattoos and not enough carbs.  Nice guy.  I like him even though the he could use a little more cake.

You couldn’t miss M-Town when they showed up, because they came into the building like every dude I ever knew in high school (…myself included…) who walked into every Friday night cafetorium dance all YoYo and Let’sDoThis and HeyGirlSup? getting all FistPump on everyone in their orbit.

Boys.

M-Town Director Robert Ward made it crystal clear that his team could do everything from B-Boying to astrophysics and teleportation.  He kept tilting his head back and forth like DangGirlYouFine so much that his baseball cap ended up spinning around backwards.

Camryn was still stress bagging a little bit as the competition got ready to begin.  Before they headed to Memphis Mimi had pointed out that Cammie needed to be well-rounded if she wanted to make it in the World of Dance.  Not everybody likes Hip Hop.  But not everybody likes Algebra either, but you gotta do whatchoo gotta do sometimes.

That’s what happens when you’re too young to remember the TV show Fame.  

Forget all this pussy Glee stuff.  You want Fame?  Well Fame costs.  But you wouldn’t know that if you’ve never felt Debbie Allen slam a dance stick into your big toe right before call-back auditions.k

PS.  I wanna live forever.  Google it.

Side note:  While Dianna was giving her final pep talk before the Big Game, Camryn was shaking and practicing so much behind Miss D that I thought Lifetime had hired a sign language interpreter.

Relax, honey.  You’ll be fine.

When M-Town hit the floor in head-to-toe Mr. Clean, they Hip Hop danced like boys Hip Hop dance.  I don’t think they were ready for Step Up 3D: Part 7, but I like that thing where you go from laying on your stomach to backing up onto the tip of your Jordans.

Whatever that’s called.

Then the Dolls hit the floor.  Hit it Hip Hop Hard.  In sequined varsity jackets.

And it was Buck.  And how ’bout dat Kayla?  Holy KaylaMoly, Batman.  All slo-mo Running Man and chest popping and tucking all the boys’ stuff right back up where it came from.

Sheeoooot.

And can we please have a special trophy next time just for Tina?  Cuz that bitch can’t sit still.  She was doing her signature shuffle all over the place.  And it gave me Life.

Whoever draws the short straw each week and has to sit next to Kayla’s Mama in the audience is guaranteed to go home with a bruise or two.

The crowd was going nuts.  The DDPs were going nuts.  I was going nuts.  mh1

By the time the Dolls slammed down their jackets and ended the Hip Hop routine with a Time Bomb I think my pajamas were on backwards.

Side note:  Excuse me, but I saw some Baby Dolls.  Whaaaat?  If this show was two hours like it was supposed to be, we could have seen them perform.  Just saying.

As the Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Dollz kicked into super-turbo high gear, everyone in the building was so wound up that taking the time to install all those seats in the building now seemed rather pointless.

The Dollz totally ripped off the Baby Dolls’ WhatTimeIsItOnMyNewAppleWatch? move by tapping their forearms, by the way.  I see what you did there.  Not cool.

But they done good otherwise.  Even Mimi had to admit they upgraded.

Not that it mattered by the time the Dolls rode that motorcycle.  Not one bit.  Construction guys actually came in and removed all the seats and nobody even noticed.

It was crazy.  Dianna ran in circles just slapping random strangers it was so good while Mimi jumped on Seloncé’s back and rode her all the way back to Jackson.

And then the awards were handed out.  The Dolls won First Place for Hip Hop and Robert Ward won First Place for being a Sore Loser.

The Twitterverse called him ‘salty’ (…which I don’t even know what that means…) but I prefer the term ‘being a Tool.’  Because that’s totally what he was doing.

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He said that M-Town doesn’t care about trophies.  (Right.)  Because M-Town wins all the time.  (How’s that working out for you today?)  And besides, it was a little trophy.  (Mine’s bigger than yours.)  So just give it to the girls.

Thanks for the offer, dude.  But it looks like somebody already beat you to it.

Booyeah.  FistPump.

And then the Stand Battle ended in a tie.

Hold up.  A tie?

Q.  What is it with Memphis?  It’s always sumthin.  And how many outfits did John pack for this trip?  Seriously.  He was in different clothes every time they interviewed him.

Boys.  Go figure.

So another week was over.  Another win.  And another chance to learn and grow.

Camryn added another style of dance to her resume and made Mama proud.

Kayla proved that she can hang with the boys and lead her team to victory.  And the DDPs were still intact and feeling the love.  And that’s what the show is always about.

Family.  Friends.  And the Message.

That calls for a celebration.

And some cake.

Because…you know.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: Lawd Have Mercy, Please Let Sunjai Make Cuts. I’m Running Out Of Prayers…But I Got Plenty Of Balloons.

Friday, September 5th, 2014

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I don’t even think that was chicken.

 

 

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Sunjai Made Cuts. OMG OMG OMG!! Sunjai Made Cuts. OMG OMG OMG!! Sunjai Made Cuts.

 

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There’s proud. And then there’s Baby Daddy Proud. And that’s how we do.

 

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Just saying if she mess up, Imma gon’ snatch your damn head off like it’s your Mama’s wig.

 

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Check it, gurlz. I got my baby some balloons at iParty and found me a cardboard Jay-Z that is sooo fine.

 

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Whatchoo wanna bet that last one ain’t floating so well cuz she sucked half the helium out of it.

 

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Oprah sez: You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! You all get a car…and yo Mama’s Crazy!

 

 

 

Hold up.  Hold up.

Y’all might have to give me a minute.

I’m still coming down from last episode’s BabyBuzz and now we already have to do this again?  Seriously?  Maybe it really is a good thing that Bring It! is only one hour long, because two hours would might just lay me out for the rest of the week.

Psych.  Kidding.  Of course this show needs to be two hours long.

Der.  Love.

After the Baby Dancing Dolls (…‘Baby’ don’t mean ‘Baby,’ yo…) and the maternal DDPs (…‘Mama’ does mean ‘Bidnezz,’ tho…) did all the heavy lifting last week, it was time for the Original Recipe Dancing Dolls to come off the inactive list and get back to twerk.

And work.

This week the whole team would be staying local and only heading across the street to Jackson’s very own Buck It To The Floor competition, which up until the third commercial break I really thought was called the Bucket To The Floor competition.

Like a community clean-up day in the park or playground.  Or at that Tougaloo College they seem to like so much.  They go there enough.

Don’t laugh.  It would totally make sense since the Dolls are so heavily into being amazing role models and making a positive difference in their community.

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(Which they are.  And they do, thank you very much.  Haters just gonna hate.  XOXO.)

But srsly.  Dianna Williams either needs to start talking a little slower or I need to work a little harder at putting some ‘thug’ in it, because half the time I just pretend to know what she’s saying.  I think my girl Kayla is about to give up on me after 17 episodes.

No wonder she makes so many faces.

And don’t even get me started on Neighborhood Security Cam Mimi.  

Who I totally heart, BTW.  But if she’s on her third cup of Starbuck’s or a giant bug lands on her face…forget about it.  When that happens, I’m probably better off just turning down the volume and talking like Charlie Brown‘s teacher.  MwahMwah4L!

Love.  Them.  All.  Dot.com.  Two hours, please.

At this week’s competition the Dolls would be focused on the Stand Battle only and be coming up against the Precise Diamonds, the Sensational Divas, the return of Virtuous Divine and the Girls Who Post Naughty Nurse Halloween Photos On Facebook Every Single Year And Then Wonder Why They Can’t Find A Nice Boy.

The last time the Dolls faced Virtuous Divine, it was a close match.  Despite the fact that Virtuous Divine held a little girl up in the air for so long that half the audience left early to beat traffic, the Dolls still ended up winning the competition and I ended up using all my best ‘VD hysteria spread throughout the crowd’ jokes on the last recap.

And now I got nuthin.

Because of their history, Miss D knew that no matter how well prepared the girls were on the big day, VD could attack with a burning vengeance (…ok, maybe I still had one pretty good one left…) so she got right down to rehearsing some fresh new Stands while the Mamas lurked outside on the sidewalk.

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Today’s Hot Topic:  Sunjai.

Despite her progress, Sunjai had still not made cuts even once this season and both Mama Seloncé and my little red firecracker Tina were just ’bout ready to flip their lids.

Again.

Or at least Tina was.  Her lid seems to be more easily detached than Seloncé’s.

Remember that?  That time when Tina snatched her own wig and threatened to not put it back on again until Sunjai made cuts?

And she had all that IDon’tKnowWhatThatWas hair underneath?  The kind of hair that looked like those dolls you bring to Bingo Night and rub for good luck right before the machine starts popping out ping pong balls?  That kind of hair.

What?  What?  What?  What?  Please put that back on yo’ head.

That.  Was.  Awesome.  And we got to see it again.

That one scene alone sums up the DDPs.  They fight.  They yell.  They snatch and pat and dance and laugh until they can’t breath.  And then they usually fight some more.

But while they’re getting all up in your face, you can rest assured that they got your back.

They probably got cookies in the trunk, too.  But they got your back for sure.

For real.  And for life.  DDP4L.

(Repeat:  Love.  Them.  All.  Dot.com.  Two hours, please.)

Lawd…if Sunjai make cuts, please lemme be at that party.  Amen.su

Back inside, the Dolls were fine tuning a new Stand, appropriately named ‘VD.’

Part Michael Jackson‘s Thriller, part Frankenstein when he first steps off the lab table and part how I look when I’m trying to avoid mud puddles because I’m too cheap to buy suede spray for my Banana Republic shoes, it was basically a dig at the signature JerkWalk the VD’s do right before they begin a Stand.

Unfortunately, Sunjai was having a little trouble keeping up with the new shizz.  She had the old Stands pretty much under control, but learning and memorizing the new choreography was proving to be a bit of a challenge due to the fact that her memorization is kinda bad.  Her memorization.

Well, not bad.  Just not good.  Her memorization, that is.  It’s not that bad.  Just not good.

Which she totally said.  Which made my head hurt a little, but also made me want to be her new BFF and go for seaweed facials next weekend.

While Sunjai did her best to make sure that her not really bad just not that good memorization improved, we scooted over to the Virtuous Divine studio to watch Director Fulvia Ford in action.  Or Action Hero, I should say.

Because that’s totally what her name reminds me of…one of those comic book action hero figures that always fall off the pegs at Target even if you barely touch them.

And once that happens, good luck putting them on eBay because nobody wants a Flame Throwing Princess Fulvia with a dinged up cardboard corner.  Trust me.

Yes.  I’m aware that some online pervs say Fulvia’s name sounds more like a naughty lady part than a comic book character.  But they’re wrong.  And they’re also pervs.  Why else would anyone be online talking about naughty lady parts on a Wednesday night?

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I mean, can’t you totally see Fulvia in head-to-toe Fulvian spandex, harnessing the power of that pearl necklace (…clearly made out of pearls harvested from the Fulviatic Sea back on her home planet of Fulvania…) to fight crime or something?  Especially when she demonstrated that run down the studio floor in front of the girls and did that turn with her invisible lasso?  You know exactly what I’m talking about.

With trusty sidekick Co-Captain Jasmine by her side, of course.

We liked Jasmine.  Quite a bit, actually.  Great smile.  She just needs to learn how to talk into the camera without sounding like she’s doing an 8th grade book report.  But I’d be nervous, too.  Bonus points were given for talking in a superhero costume.

And then back in Jackson, in the Name of God Jesus, Dianna blew a nutty on Sunjai.  And it was a Miss D-sized nutty.  Which is even bigger than the ones you can buy at Costco.

Miss D had trust issues with Sunjai.  For the LuvOfGawd she couldn’t figure out why Sunjai works so hard and then just stops right before the finish line.

What time is it?  It’s Tough Love Time.

Not fair to the Team.  Not fair to yourself.  A slap in the face to everyone.

It was a Hallmark Moment, a Maya Angelou Moment, a Teaching Moment and the first Rocky movie all wrapped up in one big Miss D NuttyBar.

And then Sunjai got cut.  Again.

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Even the Mamas heard that one all the way outside.  Which made Seloncé cry like Erica Kane used to cry on All My Children.  Seloncé even cries Pretty.

Activate:  DD4L!  Tina and Mimi came racing to her side for support, proving that they really are all one big, albeit slightly dysfunctional, Dancing Doll Family.

Side note:  Tina’s “I Love My Curves” t-shirt.  Shut.  Up.  Why aren’t we dating yet?

(That was a joke, Terrell.  Pump your brakes, Big Guy.)

And then right when everyone, and everything, appeared ready to implode…JJ showed up.  Baby Daddy to the rescue!  Cuz a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.

And what this Daddy’s gotta do right now is calm everyone down.  Work his JJMagic on the hysterical crowd.  Which he did.  Daddy Baby Sunjai went back inside to continue learning the Stands, Seloncé dabbed her eyeliner like a Real Housewife of Jackson and Tina just kinda stood there popping her wig on and off a few times.

In Tina’s defense, the whole thing did get a little confusing with everyone spinning around and crying so much.  I wasn’t sure what she was really supposed to do, either.

Side note:  Some Twitter Twits actually complained that Mimi was too low-key this week.

Excuse me?  One…I know you didn’t just diss my girl.  Two…let’s see you try being a good friend to someone in need while you’re running with scissors at 100 mph.

In a circle.  With no earrings and one sneaker.

It’s called an On/Off switch for a reason, people.  Don’t you worry.  She’s still a handful.

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The next morning, with only a few hours to go before the competition, Sunjai met up with Kayla for some one-on-one Stand Battle Training.  Going to get those seaweed facials a few weeks back (…without me, in case you two didn’t even notice…) really seemed to help them grow closer.  Kayla wanted to be both a good friend and a good Captain to Sunjai as she struggled with her memorizational confidence and was more than willing to run her through the choreography a few times in a really big smiley face shirt.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for Sunjai to ask for one last chance.

Wait.  What?

Stand Battle Cuts an hour before the performance?  Really?

That idea’s as crazy as yo’ Mama, girl.

But it happened.  And it worked.  And Sunjai nailed it.  And then, after threatening to haunt Kayla for eternity from the grave if Sunjai even f***d up one 8 count of the Stand Battle, Dianna chillaxed and allowed Sunjai to perform with the girls.

Hold hands and say it with me:  Sunjai.  Made.  Cuts.

And the crowd went wild.  Seloncé pretty much lost her marbles and ran out of the building to buy an impromptu ballon arch that spelled out her daughter’s name in silver mylar, because I guess Jackson has a lot of places open on a Saturday that can rush job a balloon arch guaranteed to block the view of everyone in the back half of an auditorium.

Srsly.  I can’t even find four dozen Batman plates at the last minute, but Seloncé knows a guy who knows how to spell ‘Sunjai.’

Mimi and Tina’s faces, though.  Lawd, those two.mt

After one last warning (…when Miss D talks with her pinky, you know what that means…) Sunjai hit the floor and made her team proud.  And her Mama and Baby Daddy proud.

And the rest of the DDPs and the DDDs.

And even me.  Not gonna lie.  A little emotional.

The new Stand was a success and gave little Camryn a chance to show all those suckahs at APAC what they missed out on.  You might want to file this one under “Y” for ‘Your Loss,’ Mr. Dean of Admissions.  Yeah, I’m talking to you.

And then the Dancing Dolls won it all!

The Fulvanian Assault was well executed, but just wasn’t enough to compete with the new and improved Sunjai & The Dollettes.

Dianna was excited for her girls.  And for Sunjai, who proved that hard work and believing in yourself and your dreams can really pay off in the long run.

It’s called a Goal, kids.  Google it.

Needless to say, Seloncé and JJ were beyond excited for their daughter.  Daddy Baby done gooooood.  Big hugz.

And Kayla?

Phew.  Kayla was just excited that she didn’t have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night and seeing Dianna sitting in a chair on the other side of the room watching her sleep.  Because I’m thinking that when Dianna Williams says that she is gonna hold you accountable for something…she is gonna hold you accountable.

Everyone’s prayers were answered.

Sunjai made cuts.

Now please.  Put that back on yo’ head.

DD4L!

ts

Bring It!: When The Baby Dolls Return To Battle The Baby Tigerettes Again, You Might Wanna Call Your Mama.

Friday, August 29th, 2014

di

 

 

I need you to stop crying and bring your juice box over to that lady lying on the floor behind me.

 

 

d2

 

 

 

Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.

 

 

rt1

 

 

 

Lawd, please don’t let me break a hip. Or a nail when I slap that crazy bitch.

 

 

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Yeah. Imma need you to hold my hoops cuz Meerkat Mimi ’bout to come out the damn hole.

 

tt

 

 

 

It’s Mighty Tiny Power Rangers Morphin’ Time! Cute-o-sauras!

 

m1

 

 

 

The forecast says Storm Mimi ’bout to move in. And she’s gonna make it rain up in here, y’all.

 

 

d3

 

 

 

Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.

 

 

tj

 

 

 

Let’s just say my Bake Sale Nissan ain’t the only pretty thing with sweet stuff in the trunk.

 

 

 

Yo Mama.

Or should I say…Whoa, Mama.

Lawd have mercy, Bring It! brought it this week.

And it was super-sized and pint-sized all at the same time.

After 16 episodes of back-to-buck competitions (…see what I did there?…) it looked like the Dancing Dolls were finally going to get a week off to catch their breath and finish Instagraming their prom pictures.  Or at least some of them would.

The Big Ones, anyway.

Which meant that it was time for Coach Dianna Williams to activate the tiniest troops and send them into Stand Battle.  And time for me to squeal like an excited little girl.

Dat’s rite.  The Baby Dancing Dolls were back in the hizzle!

Full disclosure.  Before the opening credits even finished rolling, I was already running in circles just knowing that the ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’ Babies were back.

Because they are straight up awesome.  Awe.  Some.

But let’s start at the beginning.  Which was outside on some Jackson park bench somewhere as Miss D met up with everyone’s favorite neighborhood SnoopDawg Mimi to have some Starbucks, fill her in on all the deets and speak in some language that I had never heard before.

Which totally happened.

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As soon as Dianna sat down next to Mimi she noticed some big ol’ bug on Mimi’s top lip and then the whole thing just turned into a Lucy and Ethel Moment that even my complete Rosetta Stone box set couldn’t help me decipher.

Remember back when you were on the grammar school playground and you made up a secret language that only you and your BFF could understand?  It was like that.  But also kind of like those Gremlins you were never supposed to feed after midnight.  And a little bit like something from the original Star Trek that I just couldn’t put my finger on.

Hilarious.  Especially when the bug jumped from Mimi’s lip to Dianna’s lap.  I could tell that they were both freaking out, especially when Miss D ran down the block trying to escape what I assume was probably just a mosquito.

I have no idea what they were saying.  But I also have no idea how big the bugs in Jackson really are, so maybe the panic was justified.

But let’s face it.  When Mimi completely F***s up your closed captioning within the first 3 minutes of an episode, you just know it’s gonna be a good show.

Since the Original Recipe Dolls were going to be chilling out this week, the BDDs AND the DDP Mamas would be the ones competing in front of the judges.

Wait.  What?  Did she just say the DDP Mamas?  Shut up.  Could this day get any better?

Yes.  Yes it could.  And it did.

Because next thing you knew, we had scooted right back to the Dollhouse Dance Factory mothership to hang out with all the little BDD niblets, who were somehow way-past-naptime sleepy and yet completely wide eyed all at the same time.

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Especially when Miss D let all the tiny squirts know that the DDP Mamas would be performing at the Buck Hard Or Go Home competition right alongside the Baby Dolls.

Since the BDDs are all too small to swear or ride any of the rides at Six Flags, they instead opted for some OhHellNah cartoon bug eyes when they heard the news and then went back to just being adorbz.

Especially that patootie Taelar.

You remember Taelar.  She’s the one who waves her arms in the air whenever she gets overly excited, which in turn makes me do the exact same thing until I just want to snatch her out of the room and go see a Frozen matinee.  You know she would sing along to every song at the top of her lungs and never put her arms down for two hours.

Again.  Awesome.

As we’ve seen over the last few months, there seems to be a limitless supply of Dolls that keep showing up at the Dollhouse.  Same thing this week.

Once we got reacquainted with BDD Captain Kayla, who has hair that I have yet to really figure out, we met Co-Captain Destiny and her smiley, wobbly head.

Destiny is a hoot.  And a half, actually.  And she has a soft spoken maturity and wisdom that certainly doesn’t match up with her little comic book shirt and gift wrap hair bow.  She talked about not being scared and always trying your best and something about growing up that completely went over my head.

She’s da bomb.

This week the BDDs and the not-so-baby DDPs would be going up against the bite-sized Baby Prancing Tigerettes, the Mamas of Virtuous Divine and the Girls Who Are Too Old For My Little Pony But Still Too Young For Those Naughty Bratz Dolls. 

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And speaking of Mamas.

Outside on the sidewalk, the Mama were pretty wound up for a weeknight.

Weekly disclaimer:  Love.  Them.  Dot com.

My girl Tina was dancing around the sidewalk, because that’s just how she do.  It’s Rittany bitch had just bought herself a pretty fancy daisy chain headband from that new Woodstock LoveChild Collection down at Claire’s.  Seloncé was rocking an entirely fresh new weave right out of the bag.  And SnoopDawg was letting it slip that the DDPs would be hitting center stage this weekend.

Apparently, Seloncé had cut the tags off her new ‘do but forgotten to rinse out all the Krazy before she put it on, because as soon as Mimi started talking about the competition the two of them went at it.

Donkey Kong.  It was on like that.

Seloncé questioned the authenticity of the DDP news leak.  Rittany wanted to know what planet Seloncé grew up on and then took a moment to pray that the Good Lord wash away all the sins and insanity from Seloncé’s body.  Tina danced some more (…because that’s how she do…) and then the next thing you knew, Mimi was having a hot flash and putting her hair up in a ponytail like they do on VH1 right before someone gets slapped on Elimination Night.

When Mimi pulls out a scrunchy, takes off two earrings and one sneaker…you know she means bidnezz.

I think I’m going to need to use next week’s disclaimer just to restate how much I love these ladies.  Especially this week.

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Back inside, Taelar was still being redoinkulously cute while the tiniest BDD of all the BDDs started to cry.  Poor little Bailey was having a rough time keeping up with the choreography and Dianna was not happy.

Cut the kid some slack.  You try doing a hitch kick into a back flip into a booty pop and then land a face plant while the tape on your Pampers Pull-Up is cutting off the circulation in your left leg.  I swear that kid was like two years old.

A few other BDDs were not getting on Miss D’s good side either.  But ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’…so suck it up like that pacifier in your back pocket.

And then the DDP Mamas hit the rehearsal floor.

Literally.

Rittany don’t dance.  She’s Big.  And Beautiful.  And whatever that third “B” was that she used.  But she don’t dance.

She does, however, require plenty of hydration and some down time on the floor.  But she wasn’t giving up the fight for nuthin.  This one was for Crystianna.

This is as good a place as any to give a quick nod to how Bring It! always shows the positive side of family and friends and how much they all love and support each other.  Even the crazy ones.  The show just makes you smile.

And twerk.  Not gonna lie.  Twerk.

As the Mamas turnt it up and sweat it out inside the Factory, the Dancing Doll Daddies were all outside laying down their own groove.

Waymit?  DDDs are also in the hizzle?  That’s it.  I call your awesome bet and raise it to Infinity & Beyond.

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JJ, Calvin and Terrell were doing their own DaddyDancing out on the sidewalk, and it was pretty sweet.  Especially JJ, who was channeling Saturday Night Live‘s Church Lady in disturbingly perfect form, cuz you know…that whole Daddy’s Gotta Do thang.

Next thing you knew, the Daddies were all inside the building still doing what they gotta do.  And then the next…next…thing you knew, they were added into the DDP Mama Show as a Secret Weapon and my arms went up like Taelar for the rest of the episode.

Finally, it was Showtime!

My boy Quincy Oliver was back with the Baby Prancing Tigerettes.  All two of them.  And for the first time we got to see all the way into both of Quincy’s ear canals because he finally took out that Verizon earpiece he’d been wearing since the first episode.

Before I even saw his girls dance I gave Quincy 10 bonus points just for his outfit.  Dude was born to wear a bow tie like a Boss.

Virtuous Divine Director Fulvia was also back and she had snuck in some VDDs through the back door when nobody was looking.  That clearly sounded more perverted than it was intended.  I think the ‘VDD’ part probably doesn’t help her cause any.

But I was talking about Dads, not herpes, thank you very much.

Since the Baby Dolls heads were already weighed down with so much weave and spray, now was as good a time as any for Dianna’s pre-game prayer.  I love how much hair the BDDs have when they’re all glammed up.

It makes Taelar feel sassy, you know.

Did I mention that Rittany looked gooooood?  Because she did.  She also mentioned it to everyone, just in case there was any doubt after her hallway booty pop.

Life.  These ladies give me Life.  Don’t make me keep asking for a two hour show.

Mimi’s face, though.

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All the Mamas were looking fly.  And they knew it.

First out were the Mamas of Virtuous Divine.  And their no longer secret Secret Weapon VDDs.  You know how difficult it is to keep VDD a secret for very long.

Whatever.  They were good.  But it was when the DDPs came out that the crowd went even crazier than Seloncé.  (Who owned that floor, BTW.)

Tina was front and center, cuz that’s how she do.  Mimi was giving KardashianFace for days.  Rittany was keeping up like a pro.  And Seloncé looked exactly how I imagine the other Beyoncé must have looked on the night before she kicked Michelle and Kelly to the curb.

And then they made it rain up in there.  Dollah Dollah Bill, yo.  Yanked right out of their Mom Bras and tossed into the air like I don’t know what.

By the time JJ, Calvin and Terrell side stepped their way onto the floor the crowd was on its feet.  JJ even had a lollipop.  Because he’s JJ and he wanted a lollipop.

There was even a solo line dance like they used to do on Soul Train.

It was Parental Booty, Booty, E’rrywhere.

Best.  PTA.  Meeting.  Ever.

By the time the Baby Dolls hit the floor for the Stand Battle, half the audience was already on oxygen.  The BPTs had beaten the BDDs last time they met, so the Baby Dolls were out for Juice Box Justice this time around.  And it showed.

These little things can move, y’all.  Even Quincy was impressed, you could tell.  He also kept saying that he didn’t want to toot his own horn and then went on to toot his own horn a lot, so I’m not sure what his point was by the end.  I was digging his sweater, though.

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Dianna had clearly taught the BDDs well, because they were throwing just as much shade as Big Kayla and the Dolls do when they walk backwards after every Stand.  It was just more Fisher Price than F*** You Up.  They’re like four feet tall, for crying out loud.

When the dust settled, the judges couldn’t make up their minds and made the two teams come back out for a tie breaker, which got all the little kids excited because they thought Dianna said “Jaw Breaker.”  And who doesn’t love that big ball of candy?

The DDPs…Mamas and Daddies…took home the First Place trophy, which Tina snatched out of the emcee’s hands like it was closing time at the Buffet.  That moment alone probably requires that I post Tina’s ‘Fat Girl Shuffle’ video at the bottom of this mess, just because.  Look for it.  She is hilarious.

Even though there was some disagreement, the Baby Prancing Tigerettes swiped First Place away from the Baby Dolls, which was not cool.  Not cool at all.

But again, it was a chance to turn a negative into a positive and make Second Place a learning experience.

Dianna was proud of them.

I was proud of them.

And my Taelar arms had gone completely numb.

DD4L!

And DDP4L!

And DDD4L!

And BDD4L!

Now let’s go celebrate.  I’m starving.

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