Posts Tagged ‘Dianna “Miss D” Williams’

Bring It!: Girl…Pleez. Don’t Look Now, But Neva Just Put The “Diva” In Olive Branch. It’s DD4L Panda-Monium!

Sunday, March 29th, 2015

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This, tho.

 

 

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I gotta get back on my meds asap, cuz I swear I’m looking at a dancing panda wearing a weave.

 

 

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I didn’t sign up to be on no damn GLEE episode. The hellz all this Broadway s*** on the wall?

 

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My PandaConda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun…

 

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Hmmph. Is that cookie dough under my nails? I don’t even remember eating that today.

 

 

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That one? She’s just straight up crazy.

 

 

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I don’t know what was in that Snow Cone, but I’m kinda digging this brain freeze. Hooty hoo!

 

 

 

Holla.

Welcome to Klub Olive Branch.

If you’re on the List, you can check yo’ nappy Panda suit at the door and come on in.

You can even drop off that tired Michael Kors purse from last season if you don’t feel like shlepping it around all night.  Ain’t nothing in it, anyways.

And feel free to check that DD4L attitude while you’re at it.  Srsly.

But who gon’ check me, Boo?

Nobody.

Cuz…

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Oh, Lawd Jeezis.

NEVAs to the dance floor, please.

She’s baaaaack.

Get your MimiFaces ready folks, because Bring It! brought all the crazy back this week with the return of the Dancing Dolls‘ super villain nemesis Neva McGruder and her dawg-stomping Divas of Olive Branch minions.

The last time the DDs and DOB came face (…to butt…) to face was on DD4L turf and it didn’t go very well.  Not that it ever goes very well when these two teams meet up, but the last confrontation was exceptionally rough.  From what I recall, the whole thing started out poorly and quickly went from bad to worse during the competition until Neva finally ended up herding her girls straight out the emergency exit because of some on-stage drama with Dianna and a big bucket of DDPoo.

News Flash:  Miss D and Miss McG ain’t Besties no mo’.

This week the Dolls were headed to Greenwood, MS where they would also compete against the Envy Dancing Dolls, Royales, the Delta Dynasty Dolls and the Girls Who Never Clean Their Ugg Boots And Don’t Care That They’re All Crusty White With Their Pajama Bottoms.

Full Disclosure:  Dynasty Dolls is also the name of one of those kiddie pageant joints that used to be on Toddlers & Tiaras, so when I foolishly allowed myself to get my hopes up that all my worlds were about to collide, I literally had to pause my DVR and have an aneurysm.  Literally.  I’m pretty sure I even blacked out for a minute.

But how awesome would that have been?  Really.  I mean, c’mon.  Neva was born to be a Pageant Mom.  Gimme that Hard Face.  Hard Face!  Sparkle, Baby!

And give Miss Dianna a big Finger Kiss.  Just like Mama taught you.

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Ok.  Back on track now.

This week, the Dolls would be competing in both the Solo Dance and Stand Battle categories.  Potential Future Captain Tamia scored the Stand Battle lead position, while shy Crystianna finally (…FINALLY!…) got handed her opportunity to shine in a solo.

Hashtag:  TeamCrystianna.  We love Rittany‘s niece.

Granted, we’ve probably only heard her speak a total of 78 words in the past two seasons (…not counting the obligatory “DD4L!” cheers…) but it’s the Quiet Ones you always gotta look out for, right?  Enrolled at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since when she was 5 years old, Crystianna has always struggled to come out of her shell.  But Dianna and Rittany kept the faith and always believed that her time would come.

Side note:  If  you ever doubted that somebody who ain’t the Mama can’t love a child like the real Mama, then you’ve never heard Rittany gush over Crystianna.  Grab a box of Kleenex, pull up a chair and listen to Aunt Rittany school you on how much Crystianna means to her and then we can talk.

As the Dolls got down to rehearsing for the weekend, we scooted over to the DOB Hideout to watch Neva and her team in action.

Now you know I love me some Crazy.  Crazier the better, actually.  Like Neva.

I Bow to the Queen.

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Everything about her skips the needle right off the CrazyChart.  Especially when she’s choreographing her team and whipping her new hair all around the room like she’s about to break the Dance Dance Revolution world record at Dave & Buster’s.

Rip off that fake DD4L shirt!  Stomp them dawgs!  Gimme Face.  Gimme Hard Face!

I swear.  She even backed dat thang up like she was trying to get up a hill in the middle of December with no snow tires.

Trust me.  Some things can never be un-seen.  Ever.

And how about that DOB henchman dude who had to run over from the sidelines and stick a microphone pack back up inside her Juicy Couture pants when she jiggled it out?  Did you see that?  At least I think that’s what he was grabbing at…

The Password Is:  Hazard Pay.

Back at the subzero Dollhouse, everyone’s favorite Mamas were all out on the sidewalk freezing their DDPs off.  Everyone except Tina, that is.  She was nice and toasty warm.

I know, right?  Who would’ve guessed that an insulated Panda Bear suit would one day come in so handy on the frigid streets of Jackson?  And you all laughed at Tina during the Kodansha Anime Artist Panel Conference during last year’s Comic Con.

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Not so funny now, hmm?

Side note:  Somebody needs to tell me what mattress store is way down at the other end of that strip mall so I can get a job there and hang with these Mamas on my lunch hour.

I’m being totally serious.  They have cookies in the trunk of their cars.  And this show needs to be 7 hours long so I can have more time to figure out how Tawantza keeps all that blue eye shadow from clumping in the creases.

Love.  These.  Mamas.

And more Panda Dancing?  Yes, please.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Watching everyone pile out of the bus at each week’s venue always makes me smile for some reason.  No clue why.  But it does.  I don’t know if it’s the shower caps or the fact that they show up with enough luggage to spend a week or what.  I especially enjoy the weeks when tiny Cobe wobbles out all glassy eyed, clutching his Wii handheld like IJustSpentFiveHoursTrappedOnABusWithTheseHensAndImmaBoutToLoseIt.

He is so stinking cute.

Not to be outdone, of course, the DOBs entered the building with their own rally call.  Nice to see that pink zebra print is not just a Jersey Thing anymore.tm

Before the games began, Neva stalked Dianna in the hallway right in front of what I assumed was a snack bar/restroom combo kind of thing.  At least I think that’s what was going on behind them.  There was a bunch of guys waiting in a line for who knows what, pretending to talk on their Sidekicks while they tried to eavesdrop on the action.  And there was also a woman back-to in the bathroom that I first thought was a guy doing his business on-camera.

Wait.  What?

Clearly, when it comes to this show, you really need to watch every episode at least twice so you don’t jump to any conclusions.  Or miss any MimiFaces.

Bonus Points were given to that one guy on his phone who was totally trying to act all Coolio but was totally being all like “Dude, I’m gonna be on TV!” and sucking in his gut because the camera adds 10 pounds.

Love.  This.  Show.  (Rinse & Repeat as needed.)

Needless to say, Miss D wasn’t buying what Neva was selling.  Moving on.

Bonus Points were also given to that fabulous skinny DOB guy who jumped up and down with the girls like he just heard that Zayn Malik had only been messing with 12 year olds everywhere and was actually staying in One Direction.

Psych.  You wish.

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Hold that thought for a minute.

See the picture right above this paragraph?  With Rittany and Mimi?  Besides the fact that my girls are looking so fine, doesn’t it look like one of those comic book panels where the super heroines stand at the top of the local newspaper building looking down over the city with their capes and weaves flapping in the wind while the DD4L signal sweeps across the sky?

They’re totally the heroes that Jackson deserves, but not the ones it needs right now.

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Anyway.

The emcee was wearing sunglasses inside, which drives me crazy.  And I’m almost positive that Bill Cosby was one of the judges.  Did you see that sweater?  That was straight up Cliff Huxstable.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, the DOB solo girl hit the floor.

My Little Beyoncé.

That’s what Neva called her.  Like the Pony.  But Beyoncé instead.

She did pretty well, even though Dianna commented that she did a lot of the same tricks over and over.  Like a One Trick Beyoncé Pony.

(See what I did there?  Full circle.)

And then Neva hit the dance floor.  No lie.

Neva.  Danced.

And it registered at least 4.9 on the McGruder Scale.

There was so much to (…shock…) absorb I still feel like I missed something and I’ve probably re-watched it 25 times already.  It was truly The Dance of The Neva.

Earlier, we discussed the Crazier the Better part, right?

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After all these years of complaining that Abby Lee Miller has never once actually danced when she choreographs her Dance Moms kids, I really can’t diss Neva for shoving her way onto the floor like she was trying to snatch the last $5.99 waffle iron on Black Friday.

I’m dying to.  But I won’t.

It was so IDon’tKnowWhat that it was almost awesome.  Almost.

Mimi’s face, tho.

And for the third time, Bonus Points were given to the crazy a** guy who was bucking with the backup dancers.  I think he was the mic pack guy from earlier, but I’m not sure.

Regardless, he…well, he…WERK, BITCH.  Yaaaaaaas.

Luckily, Crystianna was out next to bring some normalcy back into my world.  And she was amazing.  It was this whole elaborate Egyptian Pyramid kind of thing with fancy costumes and the Sunjai Twins dressed up like they were guarding the Sphinx.

I don’t know what this Crystianna did with the other shy, quiet Crystianna from last season, but this girl was on fiyah.  Fi.  Yah.

Rittany cried.  Strangers cried.  I cried.  Even Mimi got her girls messed up and cried cuz she thought Crystianna was her own kid.

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She killed it.  End of story.  Cut.  Print.

Side note:  Mimi never put her Snow Cone down.  Not once.  Hilarious.

But that was jus the appetizer.  You know the real meal is the Stand Battle.  And it was on, hunty.  Like nobody’s bidnezz.

The Dancing Dolls whipped their hair like they just didn’t care.  The Divas returned the favor with a Football Stand complete with fake DD4L jerseys and an end zone rumble.

Things really started to heat up when the Dolls revved up their signature motorcycle routine with a bonus Reigning Captain Kayla Solo.  Because why not.

The Divas last stand called for all the troops, so in came the Baby Divas who are redoinkulously cute but still can’t compare with the Baby Dolls.  I mean, really?  BDD!

And then the Dolls rolled out the heavy artillery for the final kill shot.

Miss D to the dance floor, please.  OhNoSheBetterDon’t.

Yup.  She did.

Dianna hit the parquet and pretty much burned off the first two layers of floor wax with her moves, which included a 20 minute one foot up in the ayah ayah heel stretch followed by a Death Drop that made ZaTia‘s Mama swallow her gum.

Go home, Tawantza.  You’re drunk.

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If you’re still catching up on some of your stories from the past week, you might wanna turn down your volume before you watch this scene.  Just looking after your best interests.

And your ear canals.

Neva was not happy when she saw Miss D do her thang.  Not at all.

But Bill Cosby loved it, because the Dolls took First Place in the Stand Battle.  And that was on top of Crystianna also grabbing the First Place trophy for her solo!

 A clean sweep, y’all.

Dianna and the girls were over the moon.  And so proud of Crystianna and Tamia, because they both stepped up and got the job done like rockstars.

Neva, on the other hand, was not quite as ecstatic over the results.  But it ain’t over yet.

As the Divas headed back to the DOB Hideout to lick their wounds and plan their next attack, Neva vowed revenge.  You haven’t seen the last of them.  They’ll be back.  And better than ever next time.

I love the way Neva talks all ShaNeNe Sitcom Sassy and stuff.

You know she orders her Starbucks the same way.

Two sugars.  Two snaps.

Because that’s how a Diva do.

Girl, bye.

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Bring It!: Is It Getting Hot In Here Or Is It Just Me Again? Traci And The YCDT Supastarz Are Back For Revenge.

Sunday, March 15th, 2015

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You need to back dat thang up and turn yo’ box around before anything else comes out of it.

 

 

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And the award for Most Drama after hitting a wall and breaking a toenail goes to…

 

 

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Gurrl, he was crying like Susan Lucci at the Lion King. It was the Emmys AND the Grammys.

 

 

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Yeah, I came out the damn box, suckahs. And FedEx sez it came straight from Awesome Town.

 

 

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We would’ve won if y’all had plugged the air holes in that box like I asked you to do yesterday.

 

 

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This happened.

 

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Put that thing down. It’s been sitting on a bus all the way from downtown Miami. That s*** nasty.

 

 

 

Bring It! Warning:

You better check yo’ self, Boo.

And brace yo’ self, cuz you ’bout to get sucker punched in the belly.

If you thought Montezuma’s Revenge almost did you in on your last Spring Break, just wait until some of this Miami Heat hits you hard again.

Dat’s rite.  She’s baaaaack.

This week, Traci Young-Byron and her YCDT Supastarz packed up their Costco-sized attitudes and all the aerosol temporary hair color spray that the local Party City had in stock and headed to Mississippi for a rematch with the Dancing Dolls.

Miami was back in the hizzle, yo.  And you know Traci.

She don’t take no prisoners.  Or crap.  Or (…Spoiler Alert…) carbs, apparently.

Which meant that Dianna Williams was gonna have to step up her game over at the Dollhouse Dance Factory as she prepped the girls for the upcoming Dance Explosion competition across town in Clarksdale, MS.  Going up against YCDT again was going to require more than just another Grace Jones drag queen riding around in a chariot.

Way more.

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This week, the Dolls would be competing in both the Creative Dance and Stand Battle categories, same as the YCDT crew.  And since the Dolls can throw Stands in their sleep, the focus was going to be on an intricate, overly elaborate Silence of the Lambs routine that involved police tape, sirens, cops, two wheeled Sam’s Club warehouse dolly carts and enough straight jackets and Hannibal Lecter retainers to finally shut up every one of those Kardashians for good.

Psych.  You wish.

Kim will still figure out a way to tweet about wearing flats for the first time.

As Miss D explained the intricacies of the dance, every one of the girls stared blankly into space without blinking or patting their heads, so I already had a really bad feeling about this one.  The Dolls are a-maz-ing hip hop dancers (…to Infinity and Beyond amazing…) but none of them actually signed up to put on a senior play, so we’ll just have to wait and see how all these props work out in the end.

While the girls began fumbling through the routine, we scooted across the border to check in on Traci and her team down in Florida.

Lawd, that Traci.

Extra, Extra!  Read all about it!  Grab yo’ newspaper from the rack or sign up for home delivery of the New York Times, cuz that lady is Extra.

And proud of it.

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The only person who loves Traci more than Traci loves Traci is nobody.  Still over-the-top, still rocking her signature Taste The Rainbow Skittles pencil eraser hair and Supa Black Girl hoodie, Traci was not impressed by Dianna calling her out at the last competition.

Insult me with spray paint on a hight top fade?  I don’t think so.

I don’t know if Dianna was scared.  But I was.

I didn’t even dare ask Traci how she got that rock solid 8 pack stomach and it was totally on my To-Do List all week.  Dang.  When she started yelling at everyone to put one leg up against their right ear I just ’bout pulled my groinal abdominalis muscleis right there in the living room because I was afraid she might scream at me, too if I didn’t get my junk up.

Back in Jackson, the Mamas were outside doing what they do best:  Being Awesome.

Love.  These.  Mamas.

Mimi’s hair, tho.  Somebody went to the salon.

My girl was all dark on the bottom, light on the top and curled up like I don’t know what.  It was like she took one hit from a curling iron for every APAC admissions office employee who got fired after they boned Camryn last season.

Side note:  Yup.  It certainly looks as though I’ll figure out some way to sneak in a subtle APAC jab each week, doesn’t it?  Thanks for asking.  Maybe it’ll be a contest for whoever finds it first and then Mimi will send you a handmade BeDazzled DD4L shirt or something.

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After she sends one to me, I mean.

(Srsly.  Why do I have to keep asking every week?  I’m a size Medium.)

Sorry, but current Lifetime employees and former APAC staffers still collecting their unemployment benefits are ineligible to participate.

The Creative Dance rehearsal was not working out very well at all.  The girls were confused by all the costume changing and dolly riding and the smell of that plastic mouthguard cutting off their oxygen supply.

Man, ZaTia still has a lot of hair for such a little pipsqueak.

I swear.  A ton.  From my lips to ZaTia’s head.

Eventually, after tripping over each other for a few hours, Sky, Star and a bunch of girls whose names I couldn’t pronounce all got cut from the Creative Dance, which didn’t sit well with Seloncé at all.  And you know how she gets when something ain’t sitting well.

She got right up against the window so quickly trying to figure out what was going on with the twins that I don’t think she even realized that she had Mimi pinned up against the glass.  I thought for sure that at least one of the three wigs Mimi had so stylishly layered together would get knocked right off her skull the way Sunjai‘s Mama was crawling up over her head trying to get a better view of the Dollhouse interior.

The result of all that Laverne & Shirley hilarity was Seloncé calling Dianna out onto the sidewalk to discuss the situation, Dianna cracking her knuckles like it was gonna go all the way downtown, Mimi doing some kind of MimiDance that should have involved bare feet and hot Island coals and then Miss D deciding not to crack Seloncé’s head open like a Gallagher watermelon because she didn’t want to go to prison right before competition.

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I’m kinda liking this new and improved Seloncé.  They cut off a couple inches of Krazy when she got her weave trimmed, but now she’s quite sassy and I rather enjoy it.

Over at the YCDT Superhero Fortress of Attitude, Traci was unveiling her Secret Weapon against the Dolls.

Live drums.  From the Motherland.

Not gonna lie.  I wasn’t really paying attention, so when I heard ‘Mothership’ I got all excited that Lifetime had finally read my emails and decided to have dancing Star Trek aliens on the show.  Because dancing aliens would be pretty awesome, right?

Especially doing hip hop.

False Alarm.  My bad.  The drums were pretty cool, though.

But what about the Dancing Dolls’ Secret Weapon?  Fair is fair.

It was André, the Dancing Boy!  Or Andre.  Or Andree.  Or Andrée.  Or, speaking of Toddlers & Tiaras: AnDray.  Cuz you never know anymore.

Regardless of what his passport says, OhHeyAnDrey did a million gymnastic backflips straight into the mirrors, broke a toe nail, stumbled across the floor like he just crawled out of a 47 car pile up on a snowy interstate and then dramatically crumbled to the floor like Alexis Carrington did when she and Blake got shot during the Moldavian Massacre.

Google it, kids.  Because it was pure shoulder pad DRAMA.

People stood and clapped.  A Baby Dancing Doll ran out of the room into her waiting mother’s open arms.  Women fainted.  Grown men wept.

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And then Kayla said “Suck It Up.”

Speaking of Baby Dolls.  If nobody is going to use that DD4L race car anymore, I’ll take it off your hands.  Picture me cruising around with the top down this summer in my new shredded Mimi shirt.  Hooty Hoo, Girls.  Hooty Hoo.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Helenor from the Dazzlin Starz was back, along with Fulvia from Virtuous Divine.  The only thing missing from the party was Traci’s voice, which she lost somewhere along the line after talking about how awesome she was for 48 straight hours.

Side note:  In her defense, some of this has to be Lifetime  editing.  It has to be.  There’s no way that anyone could be so completely “OhYeahIt’sOnLikeDonkeyKongBitch” 24/7.

No way.  That would be exhausting.

And speaking of exhausting.  How ’bout that newbie Tawantza?

Don’t get me wrong.  I love her.  LOVE.  But her thirst just wears me out sometimes.

True Story:  She’s the only cast member they don’t have to mic before the cameras start rolling she’s so loud.  Lawd Jeezis!  Just fix it, please.

For those of you who missed it earlier:  Love.  These.  Mamas.

Did you see Tawantza when YCDT came out on the floor in their Mothership grass skirts and African face paint?  It was like that first day when Girl Scout cookies come out and you see the table already set up at the grocery store.

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Thin Mints!  Thank you, Jeezis!  They have Thin Mints!

And then the drums came out.  And then Traci came out.

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In.  A.  Box.  I know, right?

T**** In A Box!  Just like on Saturday Night Live.

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And then it was like that first day when Girl Scout cookies come out and you see the table already set up at the grocery store with a sign that says Buy One Get One and you forget what aisle you left the baby in because they have Thin Mints on sale, Jeezis.

Srsly.  How much do we love this show?

Tawantza fell out her damn seat and onto the floor.  She’s probably still there trying to hula dance on her back for all I know.  To this day she still thinks she was at the Grammys.

The emcee guy moonwalked like your crazy uncle does at weddings.  Traci did all her spins in slow motion.  Dat bitch is cut up.  She almost made Seloncé want to hit the gym.  I didn’t know if I should spit out my donut or eat it faster to make it go away.

Miss D’s face, tho.  Th-th-th-thhhat’s all folks.

Unfortunately for the Dolls, things didn’t go as well.

Between not being 100% confident in their routine after a shaky week of rehearsals and then becoming unnerved by Traci and her team’s choreography, the Dancing Dolls stumbled during their Silence of the Lambs dance.

A lot.

The energy was not there.  Or the enthusiasm.  Or even the actual moves.

It wasn’t their finest hour.  Dianna knew it.  And they knew it.

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But you can’t win them all, so they headed backstage to regroup for the Stand Battle against YCDT, where Dianna gave them a quick beatdown and a motivational pep talk.

Taylor Swift says Shake It Off, girls.  And TS is All-Knowing.

When they hit the floor for the Stands, the spark still wasn’t there.  Miss D was nervous.  The girls were nervous.  You couldn’t tell what Traci was thinking, though, because she never stands still.  Especially with all her bags and stage props.

She even had a fan.  Like in Gone With The Wind.  Lawsy it’s hot up in this big, lonely cardboard box, Rhett.  And my Daddy won’t be home for hours.

Side note:  I’m DD4L.  Always.  But the YCDT crew did look pretty dope coming out in their boxing robes and gloves and tube socks.

Never underestimate the power of a good pair of tube socks, I always say.

SashayAwayAndree managed to get his other nine toes back into the game and pulled off all his front and backflips without colliding into any more load bearing sheetrock, but it still wasn’t enough to save the day.

As much as anyone…myself included…hated to say it, the Dancing Dolls were not on their game in Clarksdale.  Their Stands were on point, but even when they got their mojo back, it was only running on 5 out of 6 cylinders.

You can’t win them all.  It’s true.  And it’s ok.  Because losing builds character and makes you hungrier.  And that’s why winning feels so good the next time.

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You just hate to lose to YCDT.  I hear dat.

Especially when their coach keeps it klassy and forgets that it’s supposed to be about the kids and takes all the fun out of it by stating that you signed up for this a** whooping, so deal wid it.  Because she totally said that.

One.  Nice attitude for a coach.  Two.  Why you dressed like a Twilight vampire, bitch?

Cut to the chase:  The Dolls didn’t win anything.

Nada.  For the first time in forever.  Nothing.  Not cool at all.

Backstage, it was a somber scene.  Everyone was sad.  Dianna knew that she had to figure out how to turn all this negativity into something positive next week.  Which she’ll do, cuz that’s kind of her thing.

And then Rittany cried.  And gave a really good motivational speech through the tears.

These Mamas love their girls so much it hurts sometimes.

So they didn’t leave their stamp on Clarksdale this time.  So what.  It’s all good.  Sometimes, during the worst storms, even the post office can’t always deliver.

But the Dolls will rise again.  Trust me.  It ain’t over yet.

Lawsy.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: Dance Or Buck Off, Girlfriend. The Real Housewives Of Jackson Are About To Put Their Stamp On Atlanta.

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

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Don’t know if we’ll win, but I know it’s too damn hot to be standing on a golf course in a bow tie.

 

 

psst

 

 

Put your coat on that empty seat. I don’t want that crazy bitch sitting anywhere near us.

 

 

dm

 

 

Excuse me? Can you all not see me sitting right here in my glitter glasses? I totally heard you.

 

 

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I know, right? Srsly. Because that wasn’t awkward at all.

 

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Don’t even talk to me. Just go to the snack bar and get me this many bags of Peanut M&M’s.

 

sh

 

 

 

I’m hoping to pop out this baby during Season Seven. That way she’ll already be potty trained.

 

dc

 

 

 

All I know is that OctoMom is gonna push out a whole new purple team before you finish.

 

 

 

Boom!  Bam!  Pow!  Bloop!

Watch yo’ back, NeNe.  And you too, Kenya.

There’s some really fierce, really new Real Housewives taking over Atlanta and every last one of them is Gone With The Wind Fabulous.  Really.

It was the Dance or Buck Off Competition in ATL this week (…all the kool kidz call it ATL, BTW…) and Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were pretty pumped for their first trip to the Peach State capital.

Personally, I don’t know much about Atlan…I mean, ATL…beyond that time Shereé almost snatched Kim‘s wig outside some restaurant and the night Porsha dragged Kenya and her bullhorn all over the studio floor by her own (…allegedly…) real God-given hair.

But apparently, back in the days when people weren’t yanking and slapping and snatching each other into unconsciousness at local eateries, ATL was the birthplace of Dance.

Because Dianna said so.  And she knows her shizz.

So going to ATL was a big dealio, especially since the Dolls would be coming face to face with not only their hometown rivals the Purple Diamonds, but also the Dancing Stars Elite, the Dazzling Diamonds, the Atlanta Bomb Squad (…the Dancing ones, not the Homeland Security ones…) and the Girls Who Always Try And Pass Off Wendy’s Chili As Their Own Homemade During Holiday Office Parties.

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The last time Miss D and the Dolls battled the Purple Diamonds, Coach Shanika Lee was 63 weeks pregnant and the PDs took First Place in the competition.  Which meant that the Dolls did not.  And that wasn’t cool.

This time around, Dianna wanted to make sure that all their Stands were on point, since the assumption was that the top two teams in Jackson would once again end up battling for the grand prize at the end of the day.

And the best way to guarantee that the Dolls would be ready for battle was to let Kayla focus on the team routines while smiley Camryn handled the One Woman Show category, in effect turning what I thought always had to be a Captain’s Solo into an I Wanna Be Captain When Kayla Leaves Solo, I guess.

I’m not really sure how the rules work, so that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

As Miss D and the girls got down to bidnezz, we did a quick drive-by across town to check in on the Purple Diamonds.  And to boil some water, just in case.

Srsly.  Shanika was still pregnant.

Granted, since this show is notorious for not always keeping it 100 when it comes to filming in proper continuity (…Spoiler Alert: I’m gonna blow my nutty a little later once everyone gets to the competition…) I’m not really sure if Shanika was still pregnant, or pregnant again, or if she is just one of those women you see in the Food Court who is always pregnant.

Regardless, Shanika was 72 weeks pregnant now, but still putting her girls through the motions like she was only 70 weeks.

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L’Eggo my Preggo, si vous plait.

Purple Diamonds Captain Natalya was still large and in charge.  She was copping a little bit of an attitude towards the Dolls, but I’ll blame it on the video equipment.  Since I’ll cross the street against traffic just to walk behind a Weather Channel guy and wave to my homies during a live snow storm broadcast, I really can’t deduct points from anyone who likes to ham it up on camera.

So you go, girl.  And shout out to Jim Cantore for not calling the cops during the last blizzard.  Thunder Snow, baby.  Thunder Snow.

Back at the Dollhouse, there was all kinds of goodness going down.  And also the beginnings of a small rift in Lifetime Television’s Time Space Continuity Continuum when it’s Rittany bitch showed up on the sidewalk in her signature acid washed Mom Jean Skirt and half of Twitter imploded.

Was it the same outfit from a few weeks ago?  Were all the Mamas wearing the same thing from the last episode or does my homegirl Mimi just own that shredded State Fair tank top in every color?  Is this entire season filmed in one day and then cut up into 24 equal portions?  Hashtag:  BringItGate.  I swear.

I can’t.  It makes my head hurt.  Who cares.  That’s why they call it ‘television.’

Plus, I love these Mamas way too much to get into a 140 character or less smackdown with all the grammar-challenged haters out there.

How about this tweet from me and Tina:  Change the F***ing Channel.

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If the show drives you that crazy, flip the switch.  That will solve your problem and it just saved me 114 characters.  Plus, it will free up all my Mamas so they can stop responding to your tired tweets and focus on sneaking me into the next Baby Dolls auditions.

(Hey, Taelar!  How you do, Boo?)

Anyway.

Outside the Dollhouse, the Original Recipe Mamas (…totally swiped that from my other Dance Moms gig…) were making it clear they didn’t feel any ‘newbie’ dancers should be part of the Stand Battle considering that they were going up against such strong competition this week.

Newsflash:  ZaTia is a newbie.  And her Mama Tawantza is a newbie.

And her Mama is kray-zee.

Right about now was also when Tawantza overheard the other women talking…and when ZaTia struggled and ended up not making Stand Battle cuts…and when Jim Cantore ran behind Mimi screaming something about The Perfect Storm.

AwHellNah.  Here it comes, yo.

Tawantza took all that kray-zee right through the front door and asked her baby girl why she wasn’t giving it 100%.  But she was, Mama.  She was.  Not she’s wasn’t.  Oy.

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Side note:  Maybe ZaTia can’t keep up with the Big Girls because she has more hair than head going on up there.  I mean…she’s so little.  And her hair’s so…not little.  By my calculations, the Hair to Head Ratio is way off.  That has to do something to your equilibrium I would think.  She’s such a cutie, tho.  Love.

And since you asked…

Things I’ve learned since this show began:  Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.  Don’t spit into the wind.  Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.

And don’t get Mimi all wound up.  Just.  Don’t.

But Tawantza did.  And it was pretty whack.

Mimi tried to make Tawantza understand how things work on and off the Dollhouse sidewalk, but ZaTia’s Mama wasn’t having it.

Because she’s not New To This.  She’s True To This.

Gah.  Is there anything that comes out of these ladies mouths that isn’t worthy of its own glitter glue t-shirt?  Please make this show 7 hours long and give it its own Easy shop so I can do all my holiday shopping online this year.

I swear when anyone talks to Tawantza all she hears is Charlie Brown’s teacher.  But instead of Mwah Mwah Mwah, it’s probably more like MmmKay MmmKay MmmKay.

All kinds of hilarity ensued when Mimi tried to get through to Tawantza, but the only thing that really mattered were all the cartoon faces that Mimi made, most of which I’m certain no Disney animator had ever seen before this week’s episode.

Like this one.

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And this one.

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And especially this one, which is totally my new screensaver.

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With only one day left before ATL, Camryn was still struggling with her solo.  So much so that Dianna pulled her off the routine entirely.  I hate seeing Cammie cry, especially since she knows her stuff.  And before anyone goes all 140 characters on me again, let me make it clear that she cried because she’s a perfectionist, not because she’s a crybaby.

So there.

Dianna also told the Dolls to “Look at them heifers like you’re unbothered” and I died a little because I didn’t think of it first.

Before everyone left for ATL, we scooted over to Dianna’s house for a little late night family time.  The take-away from this scene, aside from stressing the importance of a healthy work/family balance, was to give the rest of us hope that someday we too can find someone who has no problem frying us up some chicken when it’s already past our bedtime.

Srsly, gurl.  It’s almost 9:30 at night.  That s*** gonna give you nightmares.

Miss D’s husband Robert also called Dianna his ‘Mammy,’ but I’m not touching that one with a ten foot selfie stick.  Dianna’s face, tho.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Atlanta Bomb Squad showed up and I swear Isaac Hayes was their coach.  Dude was massive, but his bow tie somehow turned him into a Teddy Bear.  The ATL humidity was a bit much for him, but he showed mad love for his girls and that made me smile.

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The Lovejoy Dancing Diamonds brought along this one hyper white girl who temporarily broke the internet.  She was a hoot (…a Co-Captain maybe?…) who reminded me of those salon girls who are always first on the dance floor as soon as the Ramada house band starts playing Earth, Wind & Fire during 5 – 7 Happy Hour every Thirsty Thursday.

When she was side by side with this other girl (…Alana or Anastasia?  You tell me…) talking smack about the Dolls in their interview sniglets, that “One of These Things is Not Like the Other” song from Sesame Street just kept ringing in my ears.

I’m almost positive the other one used to date Prince, I just don’t have time to fact check.

Love.  This.  Show.

The Dazzling Divas also arrived in style.  Before the competition even began, Coach Isis took the award for the Most Unfortunate Name Ever That Her Parents Had No Idea Would Be A Problem Years From Now trophy.  The awkwardness of having to keep yelling ‘Isis’ in a crowded auditorium was more than made up for by her delightful Carol Channing glasses.

Side note:  I’d really like to see more Isis this season, but I don’t dare send Lifetime an email because you just saw how that sentence sounded when it came out of my mouth.

In the auditorium, watching Mimi and Tawantza give each other Side Eye as everyone settled into the bleachers was worth the price of admission alone.  Thankfully, Mimi’s level head kept the situation under control and Tawantza’s eyebrows kept her blue eye shadow from going all the way up into her hair line.

What was that all about?  You see dat?  Crazy Smurf.

Then that white girl from Sesame Street did her Co-Captain’s Solo and things got weird.

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Now you know I love me my Mamas.  And this ain’t a diss against them…at all…because they’re too busy being awesome to edit the show themselves in post-production.

But what the what?

All of the sudden we had the same backstage scene from a couple weeks ago with my girl Tina sitting on the bed all wrapped up tighter than a scallop in bacon, talking about the Stand Battle and all the drama involved in the competition.

Lifetime just got sketchy.

Was this part even filmed in ATL?  Or was the last episode with this same scene the faked out one?  Granted, it didn’t really matter since it was Tina and she gives me LIFE, hunty.

But, c’mon.  Was this an intentional goof?  Did I make it up?  Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn on my DVR?  Am I having a stroke?

My two pet peeves:  When your edges aren’t laid and your editing is a hot mess.

This is why I have trust issues.

In the first round of Stands, the Dolls easily beat the team from Lovejoy and moved on to the finals.  Now all they had to do was wait for the Purple Diamonds to whoop the Dazzling Divas and then it would be Jackson vs. Jackson in a bloody rematch.

Or so they thought.

Psych.  The Dazzling Divas brought their A-Game.  And their Plus-Size girl.

And that girl could DANCE.  I mean, dang.  E’rrybody went nuts.

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Even Rittany almost ran down to the judges’ table to cast her vote for the Divas just to show support for Big Girls everywhere.  Not that they needed it, because they won.

Which meant that it all came down to the Dolls vs. the Divas.  And it was off da hook.

The Divas were some tough competition, but by the time the Dolls busted out this insane Snakes On A Plane floor hump, it was Game Over.

The Dancing Dolls took First Place in Stand Battle.

Looks like the Jackson Rematch would have to wait for another day as the PDs took their First Place Captain’s Solo trophy and headed home early to lick their wounds and watch Shanika get even more pregnant.  We can probably squeeze in at least eleven more Purple Diamond appearances this season before anything squeezes out of Shanika.

I swear that baby’s gonna outgrow the onesie I bought before it’s even born.

Good thing I kept the receipt.

And then it was over.

Stamp!  ATL just got postmarked.  Check another one off the Dancing Dolls’ World Domination/A** Kicking Tour Bucket List.  Next week is another competition.

Unplug ATL from life support.

It’s DD for Life.

Clear.

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