DanThat'sCool!

Let this be a lesson to all you belly floppers and future Olympians.

If there was ever an example of why you should never dive into the shallow end of the pool…it’s Ryan Lochte.

Barely one week into his new E! series What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, the human block of wood who floated to 11 Olympic medals has already melted down the internet and caused a couple of Philly news anchors to completely lose their nutty on live TV.

All in the name of Swimming Awareness, of course.

Because that’s exactly what he’s hoping to accomplish by dating girls with big boobs, making up new words and putting his name on the bottom of a pair of sneakers.

Ryan=Right.

Lochte=Left.

Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

Fueled by Haterade and alleged oxygen depravation, Ryan takes on life…and a seemingly endless barrage of riveting interviews…as only Ryan can do.

Think less Mensa IQ test and more Beer Pong.

Seriously.  Dude does Dbag like a Boss.

Not gonna lie.  I do love me a Hot Mess.

Jeah.

Wouldn’t wanna be ya.

Or would I…?

Well.  It’s over.

Unless you have been on the Moon, or maybe unnecessarily distracted by that whole Presidential Election thing I saw on an iPad app, then you already know that human Muppet Ben Flajnik has fulfilled his contractual obligations and fallen in love.

That’s right.  He’s off the market, girls.

The Bachelor finished off what I believe was season #423 with Ben’s woodsy proposal to human WhackNoodle Courtney Robertson, as she giggled her way through what will probably be her final 15 minutes of fame.  (Except for the break-up stories, some scandal that will be all over the front cash registers at CVS and the potential of becoming the next Bachelorette, that is.)

As Ben and Courtney ride off into the sunset and the morning talk show circuit, we can’t forget all those who were trampled by Courtney in her relentless pursuit of Ben.

All the rejected.  The broken hearted.

All those back home, already updating their Facebook status to “single again” with nothing but memories and an empty bud vase to get them through the lonely nights.

But despite what the Mayan Calendar and Lindzi Cox’s diary may say…life goes on.

It will get better.

Gloria Gaynor, Lindzi and all the ex-Bachelor girls who came before her will somehow survive.

 I give you Post-Bachelor Rehab.