Posts Tagged ‘Energy Dance Competition’

Dance Moms Miami: Miss Thing…You Are On Fire! Show Us How You Get Your Bad Girl To Come Out And Play. And While You’re At It, Your Duet Can Take A Bow. Go Team Hammy!

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

 

 

Look! Smoke signals! And they say “When is Abby Lee coming back?”

 

 

 

 

Seriously? Again with that skimpy top, honey?

 

 

 

 

Great goggly oogly! We’re on Fire!

 

 

 

 

 

So are we, girlfriend …so are we.

 

 

 

 

 

Somebody needs to catch my kid before I knock you all down.

 

 

Is that smoke I smell, or just the heat from some fierce attitude?

I can’t even tell anymore.  But something set off the smoke detectors this week, because Dance Moms: Miami was on fi-yah.

Literally.

Fresh off their embarrassing 5th place showing at Starbound, the kids at Stars Dance Studio had some ‘splaining to do as soon as the latest episode started up.

Channeling their inner Abby Lee Miller, Victor and Angel reminded the entire military line up of dancers how embarrassed they were by their performances and that…yes…even in Miami, everyone is replaceable.  Victor did not spend all that time on his hair to have his team come in 5th place.

And don’t even get Angel started on how his new scarf was totally wasted on that competition.  If he hadn’t cut the tag off, that thing would be going back to Chicos before lunch.

This week they were on the road to redemption.  Redemption, Michigan I guess.  Home of the Energy Dance Competition.

But nothing in the world of dance can ever start until The List, or The Pyramid or The Whatever Something of Shame is completed, so Victor got right down to bidnezz and started picking off fragile egos like he was shooting cans at the State Fair.

This week he started at the top on the Miami Price Is Right board, and revealed little Kimmy.  (For the life of me, I can’t remember the name of the game that Bob Barker always played that looked exactly like Victor’s List.  That joke would have been way funnier if I could remember the name, but you get where I was going on it.  It had something to do with Bounty paper towels.  That’s all I remember.)

Anyway.  Kimmy was on top because she scored 2nd place last week, only missing the top by one lousy point.  I would have asked to see the judging sheets, but that’s just me.

One notch down was Sammy.  Even though her last performance was absolutely her best dancing so far, Victor wanted to see more artistry.  He also wanted to see Hannah’s Mom Debi eye roll herself one step closer to an aneurism, because I think he secretly really gets off on that.

Third place was owned by Jessi as she slowly crawled her way back up from the penalty box.  As you will recall, Jessi was stuck at the bottom for rudely snatching an award from one of her fellow dancers like it was the last pair of shoes in her size on Black Friday.  I personally feel that she should have stayed on the bottom one more week just for wearing those inappropriate micro tops and too much cat eye liner, but that may just be my judgmental side coming out.

But, c’mon.  She’s a young girl, not a 60′s go-go dancer.  Wipe some of that off before you start attracting boys with fake IDs and peach fuzz mustaches.

Next to the bottom was my favorite little playa Lucas.  As Mom Brigette got herself all wound up, Victor explained that LadyKiller Lucas had too many wobble bobbles in his solo, and even doinked it a little on his signature one leg up in the air thing.  (I should probably Google the technical term for that move if I’m going to continue talking about it every week or find myself doing the move at the clubs to impress the Ladies.)

What?  You don’t think I could?  I heard somebody snicker.

Finally, at the bottom was Hannah…because someone has to be each week, right?

For the upcoming competition, Kimmy and Jessi scored solos.  LadiesLoveMe Lucas was sidelined for that whole wobble bobble thing, and Hannah and Sammy were paired up for a duet.

Yeah.  Hannah and Sammy.

Square Peg…meet Round Hole.

Debi immediately called foul and spent the majority of the episode claiming that Hannah was set up to fail, while Abby flipped her hair a lot and fretted that Sammy would get dragged down by Hannah’s inexperience and her husky Sears corduroys.

Ok.  Nobody really came out and worded it like that, but they all thought it and waited for someone to say it first.

While the Moms all bickered behind the Mom Zoo glass,  the kids started working on the group number.  The number was choreographed around a Discipline theme, which required the dancers to pretend they were prisoners serving time based on various Sins of the Mothers.  It was a little unclear how many Moms actually served hard time because they moved right along as soon as Lucas called out his Mom for tax evasion.

Awkward.

As the Moms poked each other with sticks, Jessi and Sammy bonked heads together and almost blacked out.  After their dramatic collapse to the floor and a two minute lecture on not working together as a team, Victor paused long enough to check for dilating pupils and made certain that no pesky concussions would interrupt rehearsal.

Time is money, people.  Focus.  With your good eye.  The other one will open up once the swelling goes down.

The Duet was an even bigger clunk.  Sammy and Hannah were definitely not meshing during practice.  Call it two different styles.  Two different levels of experience.  Two different pant sizes.

Call it whatever you wanna call it.  Just don’t call it good yet.

Victor was getting upset, and the two girls were zig zagging around like they were at an improvisational solo performance.  I’m not really certain they even knew the other one was in the room.

It looked like someone forced a cheerleader to dance with a girl from Band Camp.

To get the girls to mesh as a team, Victor insisted they do the Trust Drop.  You know the Trust Drop.  That fall backwards thing you do in the woods during corporate team buildings where you pray the person behind you is actually paying attention and catches you before you crack your skull open and live the rest of your life with a soft spot.

Sammy was down with it, and fell back so fast that Hannah was barely in place.  When it was Hannah’s turn, she refused and had a melt down.  She tried it once or twice, but didn’t make it past a 4 degree decline.

When she went running out of the room in tears, Debi explained that Hannah doesn’t like falling backwards.

Now, hold up.  That didn’t even make sense.  Do you know anyone at work who loves to fall backwards in the copier room?  Who puts “loves falling backwards” on a resume?  When is the last time you woke up and thought “What a beautiful day to fall backwards” and then fell backwards?  Unless you are in a Mosh Pit or crowd surfing at a Jimmy Buffet concert…I mean, really?

Debi is a NutWad.

Finally Hannah pulled it together and fell back without ripping Sammy’s arms out of the sockets, and it was over.

(Side note:  During Hannah’s crying session at the front desk, I got all excited that Jennifer Lopez was the receptionist until I realized it was just Mayra with another one of her crazy weaves.)

Then everything caught on fire.

Well, across the street anyway.  Actually, it looked like it was a long way away, but you would have sworn Chernobyl had sprung a leak.

As something burned off in the distance, it was mass hysteria at the studio.  Screaming kids.  Crying kids.  One kid that wouldn’t stop crying even if you slapped her.

If you’re a dance aficionado, the internet is already buzzing that you got a glimpse of Mia Diaz, one of the most famous tiny dancers at Stars.  Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t.  People with too much time on their hands are already arguing the issue.

I’m just spreading gossip, not reporting the news…though I was totally going to make up a story about how she was trampled in the exodus, but I already get enough hate mail from those Toddlers & Tiaras relatives.

She’s alive.  We’re moving on.

One of the last rehearsals before the big event was Kimmy’s solo, which was all about being a Bad Girl.  As LoveToLoveYou Lucas said…good luck with that.

Kimmy doesn’t have any front teeth, or a bad bone in her body.  Except for staying up past her bedtime to work on that 3rd grade calculus thesis, she is every parents’ Dream Child.  Her “homework” before the competition was to do something bad to get into character, but instead of selling crack behind the school dumpster Kimmy settled for throwing a pistachio in the airport.

A pistachio.  She’s a menace to society, I tell you.  How many more people have to lose an eye from a carelessly thrown pistachio before we lock these criminals up for life?

The duet rehearsal was a bigger crime, thank you.

Sammy and Hannah still couldn’t get it together, mainly because they were distracted by Victor’s dip dyed skinny jeans with all that day glo blue below the knees.  (It must have been a 2fer special at H&M, because he was rocking the red version once they got to Michigan.)  The hot mess did not go unnoticed by the Moms either, and finally Brigette left the Zoo to snitch on Debi.

Taking her purse along with her, since she apparently feels that the other Moms will collectively go thru it for money and mints if she leaves it anywhere, Brigette let Victor know that Debi felt he was setting Hannah up to fail.  Needless to say, if Victor’s hair could stand up any higher in anger, it would have.

He stormed into the Zoo and laid it down for the Moms.  While his neck veins were poking out and his jazz hands were jazzing, I was so distracted by the half naked photo of Lucas on the wall that I didn’t catch all of Victor’s speech.

Seriously, does that kid ever wear any clothes?  The photo had him hanging off some kind of towel bar looking thing…I don’t even know what it was.  Either put a shirt on it, or put some more meat on it.  He’s a charmer, but too skinny to always be on display.  And it’s getting a little skeevy.

Victor ranted and raved about how he was 23 years old and gave up his career and blah to the blah…and then squealed off in his shiny car like he was a 6 year old having a tantrum.

Make up your mind, dude.  What is it?  23 or 6?

Finally they made it to the competition.

Unfortunately, the gang has not yet mastered the Dance Moms ensemble entrance.  Where Abby Lee Miller and her posse all plow into the venue in one big Desperate Housewives slow motion walk, the Miami crew stumbled out of their unmarked vans like they were being transported to a half way house and wanted to avoid the paparazzi.

Angel actually left everyone behind to carry the luggage and I swear they left one kid in the back seat.

Now I’ll own the fact that I’m not an expert on the world of The Dance.  But if you can’t afford to have a nifty backdrop for your stage, what kind of a big dealio is this event?

The powerpoint Energy logo was a nice touch on the white wall.  It reminded me of those school slide projectors when you had to learn about the columbian coffee exporters.  Any minute now I expected the clumsy kid to trip the cord and swing the logo off the screen.

Then there was a whole bunch of dancing.  Solos and duets and randomness.

The group number was a Nickelodeon bondage kind of thing, with LookAtMe Lucas not wearing a shirt again.  I’m sure some website out there will give you the award details.  I have a feeling that’s not why you are reading this thing.

Brigette was snarky and Debi blew a nutty.

Hannah better be there to catch me the day that Lucas wears a shirt and I fall over backwards.

Yup.  They were on fire this week.

Fi-yah.

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Dance Moms: Do The Plastic Surgery Samba. How About A Little Nip & Tuck While We’re Waiting For Joffrey? Abby Tightens Things Up In Michigan.

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012

 

Remember…there’s no “I” in TEAM. But there’s a “MEAT” which gives me the munchies.

 

 

 

 

Seriously? The bottom row? This stinks worse than that Beef Jerky onesie, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

Haters gonna be hating. Don’t diss the Maddie Show.

 

 

 

 

I’m about to unleash some mad serious Beyoncé on these chicks, for realz.

 

 

 

 

 

Look up there. Not one Candy Apple. That alone is way better than a nose job, thank you.

 

 

 

Admit it.  It’s ok.

Who wouldn’t want a little nip & tuck? Nothing major.  Just a little sumthin sumthin to take a few years off the old face after years of hard living, bad choices and too much Reality TV.

Like those forehead creases you got from your eyes bugging out during two seasons of Dance Moms.

Or those jowly, marionette lines you got from your jaw hanging open for a solid hour each week.

Or those annoying “11″ lines between your eyebrows you got from squinting to make certain that the girls were actually wearing something up there during that scandalous Topless Showgirls episode, may it forever Rest In Peace.

You get my drift.

Luckily for you, this week was your chance to live vicariously through the Abby Lee Miller Dance Company as they shimmied and sashayed their way through a plastic surgery group number that would have made any Beverly Hills Housewife proud.

As Abby continued to push the girls to dance longer, harder and tighter for the upcoming Energy Dance Competition, we learned way more than we needed to about stress fractures, surgical procedures and Kelly’s maternally drained upper body.

But, as always, the party couldn’t start until the Pyramid of Shame was revealed.

This time around the Seriously, What Kind Of Tape Do They Use On Maddie’s Picture Because I Don’t Think They Could Pull It Off The Top If They Had To Pyramid was a bit of a downer for some of the girls.

Poor Chloe and her little eyes were stuck on the bottom row.  I know, right?

Chloe nailed her stuff last week, but Abby wanted more.  And more.  And then some more after that, which according to the rules in Abby’s head, require Chloe sit this one out down in the basement.

Paige and her sassy, slightly too old for her head haircut was right there next to Chloe, as was Nia.

The same rules that got Chloe in the bottom applied to Paige, while Nia was there because she was a beat or two pokey in last week’s trio.  She tried her gosh darnedest, but let’s be honest…she was playing catch up a few times.

That, and the fact that Mom Holly still won’t allow Abby to choreograph a Mr. Bojangles number each week.  She never says it, but I think Abby is still holding a grudge because Nia won’t let her hair go all Dy-No-Mite afro. Give it a rest, Abby, before Al Sharpton shows up.

Second row was held down by Brooke and smiley Mackenzie.

Little MacNugget just needs to keep working on her dancing and her front teeth.  She is a crazy good gymnast, and boinks all around the stage with that fearlessness that tiny kids have until the first time they cut their head open.  Brooke just needs to do something with her neck besides use it as a breeding ground for hickies.

I’m sure her Mom was thrilled when Abby pointed that one out on national television.

Check the hits on Brooke’s Facebook tonight.  They probably cut the JV football practice short so they could go home and get online.

Whether you’ve had Botox or not, there should have been no change in your facial muscles when Maddie was revealed on the top.  Every time she is on the upper deck I get confused as to whether I’m watching a repeat episode or not.  Wasn’t she just there last time, too?

The Big News this time, since there always has to be Big News, was that a talent scout from the Joffrey Ballet was going to be in the audience during the upcoming competition.

(Insert weekly KidSpaz here.)

This meant that they had to all step up their game, because now they had to win trophies and impress an agent who could potentially yank one of them into instant stardom.

And what better way to impress than do two…count ‘em…TWO trios and a group number about plastic surgery?  This announcement gave Christi a chance to squint and question the balance between the trios, and gave the rest of us the first of many chances to hear about Kelly’s less than stellar boobs.

MacNugget, Paige & Nia were going to be competing against Chloe, Brooke & Maddie.

As for the experience and balance…one group had top tier Maddie, and the other had a 7 year old who can do major backflips until those Ohio cows from last week come home,  but only a little bit of 7 year old dancing.  Do the math.

I didn’t squint as much on that one though, as I did when Kelly explained how breast feeding two girls could suck the air out of a balloon animal in under 30 seconds and leave it all withered up and stretchy.

When I came to and found I had slipped off the couch, I climbed back up and sure enough…Kelly was in the Mom Perch talking about her boobs again.

Luckily Christi interrupted her long enough to try out that new iPhone with the Siri to see how many hours it was to Michigan.  Honestly, if Kelly hadn’t finally shut up about her small boobs and disproportionate bootay I would have started walking down the highway.  How many days would that take, iPhone genie?

And then a mini Diva hit the ground.  Poor little Nia took a face plant in the rehearsal studio and got a stress fracture in her mini Diva foot.  But she’s a trooper.  Sasha Nia, bitches.

Maddie and Chloe were also assigned solos that would be performed in front of Mr. Joffrey at the competition.  While Chloe struggled in rehearsals, Maddie got 400% of Abby’s attention and guidance.

Pick favorites, much?

When this was pointed out to Mom Melissa, it went about as well as you would expect.

Gah.  I’m losing track.  Can’t talk about her personal life.  Can’t talk about her engagement.  Can’t talk about her booty call boyfriend.  Can’t talk about her kids.  What’s left?  Why are you even on this show, lady?

Abby was so impressed with what she could see of Maddie through her tunnel vision that she had the entire Senior Company Dancers come in and watch her routine.

It was kind of nice to actually see a few other dancers in the studio.  We knew all along that Lifetime couldn’t keep the lights on with just the tuition checks from six kids and a few Jane Seymour movies, and we’ve only really seen one or two nameless Mom Heads accidentally pop up from the other side of the Perch Couch (…seriously…did the other off camera Moms have to crawl around back there on all fours if they didn’t sign something?…) so it was a nice change of pace.

Granted, the senior kids looked like kids do when you make them all report to the gymnasium for an assembly on Prom Etiquette…but at least they showed.  And Maddie did her thing, and it was clear that she was getting priority seating, if you know what I mean.  But it’s not her fault.  She’s more level headed than most adults I know.  And that Jennifer Lopez hair stylist she hired is growing on me.  So props, Maddie.

When the Moms kept needling Melissa about favoritism, she finally blew a nutty and ran out like TMZ paparazzi was stalking her.

Seriously.  Holding your coat up over your head to block the cameras?  You’re a Dance Mom, not some coked out starlet leaving the Grove at 2am.  Chill pill.

According to Siri it was going to be a long ride, so everybody boarded the bus for Michigan and hit the road.

Melissa had dialed down the Hollywood drama a notch or two and decided to show up, and even brought a gift for Kelly.

It was a little black bra…because of that whole, you know, boob thing.  Don’t make me relive that moment.

By the time they got to Michigan, the girls were starting to stress out about the Joffrey Guy.  Maddie and Chloe each had to learn three dances in record time, and most of the attention had gone to Maddie.  So everyone was a little on edge.  Even Abby’s hair was more tightly wound.  Girlfriend is certainly getting her money’s worth with those hot rollers.

Even Melissa was a little off her game as she stabbed Maddie with a pin.  That was good for a few tears, which probably came from pre-dance stress and not from the actual puncture wound.

Mr. Joffrey was seated in the audience.

He definitely was not what I expected, even though I didn’t really have any expectations.

He was a lot less Kids from Fame than I thought he would be, and a whole lot more Wall Street.  That could have just been due to the fact that Lifetime ran that Dance Moms: Miami promo every 90 seconds, and I was getting so used to that So You Think You Can Dance guy being all Faaabulous and everything that it clouded my judgement.

Whatever.  The point is he was there.  In a tie like the guy at my bank wears.

Maddie did her solo and it was great.  Abby said you could hear a pin drop in the audience.  Or you would have I guess, if it wasn’t still lodged in Maddie’s hip.

Thanks, Mom.  Next time watch what you’re doing, or learn how to sew.  Pay attention…or can we not talk about that, either?

Both trios were nifty.  MacNugget bazoinked all over the place as per usual.  Nia got her groove back, even with the stress fracture.  Brooke even smiled, I think.  The lights were so bright it kind of blurred out any hickies she may have been sporting.

Poor Chloe choked on her solo and forgot a chunk of it, which Abby was more than happy to point out later in the Green Room.  Abby also managed to spin that blooper into a bad flashback for Nia who had forgotten her own stuff a few weeks earlier.

The plastic surgery group number was the highlight.  With their faces all marked up with Sharpies with those dotted lines that you always see on tenderloin cut pictures at the butcher shop, the girls busted out their best Nip,Tuck & Roll.  The audience seemed to be digging it, but they didn’t win.

This must have been a pretty fancy competition, because they had a drum roll before each prize was given.  Michigan knows how to throw a party.

Maddie won.  Brooke’s trio won.  Chloe didn’t.  The other trio didn’t.

Abby used the whole thing as a learning experience to force feed teamwork to the dancers.  Group numbers have to be as tight as a celebrity’s face.

Finally, Mr. Ballet Bank of Joffrey came out back to meet the gang.  Next Friday they are having open auditions for their Summer Program.  Full scholarship for some lucky winners.

(Insert SECOND KidSpaz of the week.  This one put us way over quota.)

The girls went full on gangstah dance as they jumped all over the room.  Abby even hoisted up tiny MacNugget like she was a laundry bag, and the poor thing looked like Pinocchio did right before the whale swallowed him up.

Everyone was hyper happy, but I’m not gonna lie…I missed my Jill poof.  And there was definitely not enough Candy Apple drama for my tastes.

I don’t know if Michigan was ready for that bad a** red haired Mom, so to prevent rioting in the streets Chaos Cathy and her League of Tupperware Vixens must have chosen to stay home for the safety of glitter eyed Vivi-Anne and that Justice scamp.

But it looks like everyone will be back next week to kick some serious Joffrey butt.

I’m gonna need an extra shot of Restylane to get through that one.

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