Dance Moms: It’s Time To Soak Them Sore Feet, Pour Yourself A Cocktail & Try To Survive The Miami Heat Wave. Abby Does Florida…Ice Vice Baby.Saturday, March 17th, 2012
You interrupt my rehearsal one more time and I swear I’m bringing my bikini!
And I was all like “Lawd, give me strength to not pop off on this bitch.”
The Stampede of the Baywatch Boogie Babies.
Yes you are. You are just as fierce as Beyoncé. Trust me, that bitch is tired.
So heads…you get the hot Mom. Tails…I get her and you dance a trio with Abby and that Candy Apples chick. Deal?
Crockett and Tubbs would have probably turned their guns on each other if they had still been patrolling the pastel colored streets of Miami when the Dance Moms caravan pulled into town.
That’s right, you heard me. There was a whole lot of Pittsburgh down South this week.
Abby Lee Miller layered on an additional protective coating of Bare Minerals SPF92, packed up her pointy-toed posse and headed to the beaches of Miami for the American Dance Alliance in an attempt to redeem her…I mean…their reputation after not even managing to grab one spot in last week’s Fire & Ice Super Uber Elite Dancepalooza Extravaganza.
After returning home with not even one freakishly gigantic trophy sticking out of the sunroof, it’s a pretty good bet that everyone knew going in that this new Pyramid of Shame was going to be a rough ride.
As the kids yawned and scratched their eyes due to what seemed to be the result of having contracted a new strain of localized jet lag simply by traveling to the other side of town for the Elite Event, Abby gathered everyone together.
It was time to reveal the I Swear, If Maddie Is Not On Top Again, I’m Gonna Spit Out My Drink Right Here In Front Of Everyone. Don’t Think I Won’t Pyramid.
Abby has either lost some of her mojo for this weekly presentation, or she is still holding a grudge that Chaos Cathy Nesbitt uses a genetically enhanced iPad for her Candy Apple’s bootleg version, because sometimes she flies through it so fast I have to rewind.
Sitting at the bottom was little MacNugget Mackenzie. She has that childish innocence that you wish you could hold onto forever, because whether Abby spanks her or makes her Top Dawg, Mackenzie just sticks her tongue through her teeth holes and smiles.
She is so cute you want to pause the DVR and just squish her face.
Paige is also at the bottom because, according to Abby, she isn’t utilizing her spare time well enough. I’m going to assume that in AbbyLand that means Paige is doing homework and eating balanced meals instead of practicing her one handed, backward cartwheels with a split thing at the end.
Shame on that girl for pissing away such valuable rehearsal time with frivolity such as nutrition. Chop Chop. Spit that out. That’s what V-8 Juice is for, girlie.
Nia is once again finishing up the trifecta. Abby still wants more.
Kudos to Mom Holly, who each week clenches that doctorate between her teeth and stands her ground, when it would be so easy to just let Abby slap a Mammy apron on her little girl and force Nia to googlie ooglie until she blacks out. No pun intended.
Holly fights the ethnic stereotyping like a rockstar, but the end result usually means Nia gets knocked over as Maddie and Chloe run to the top of the triangle.
Chloe and Brooke were hanging out on the second row. Chloe was just ok last time, but Abby really needs her to go for the jugular on those 12 year olds in her age category.
As for Brooke, I swear that even if the Twilight cast showed up in Justin Bieber’s limo, I don’t think that kid would crack a smile. Next time Brooke hangs her head in teen angst, I wouldn’t put it past Abby to stab her in the neck with a syringe full of the Joker venom that Jack Nicholson used right before he robbed the Gotham City Bank.
Just one smile. I’ll give you a dollar.
Maddie was at the top. No surprise. She smiles a lot and is really level headed.
She’s also been working some pretty pee wee Jennifer Lopez hairstyles lately. Check it out…everything is side swept and Idolized.
I’m just Maddie from the Block, keepin’ it Real.
This week’s big chance to spaz out came when Abby announced that everyone was going to Miami, baby! Even though none of them could point to it on a map, they were some psyched to be heading to the beach during Pittsburgh’s snowy season.
To embrace their Inner Beach, Abby had created a group number based on the 1960s Beach Blanket Bingo craze. It was full on Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon! Pony dancing, snorkel nose shimmying and whatever it was those crazy kids did back then.
The kids had basically tuned her out after the “Going to Miami” part, because they had no clue what Abby was ranting about. But they were going to the beach!
In a moment that will definitely come back and haunt her later in life, Paige had to announce that even though Abby had just placed her in this week’s trio, she was going to have her foot warts cut off tomorrow and might be rocking it one legged for a few days.
Now, this is the thing. Planters warts are pretty common for dancers. Just ask anyone.
Well, except me, because even with all my years of Studio 54 (…and Ground Round back when they had peanut shells on the floor…) clubbing I have luckily been spared the agony of the wart. But they’re pretty common, or so my people tell me.
It’s just that most people don’t announce it on national television.
It’s one thing to show your blurred out junk on Facebook, but when you go on television and say the word “wart” you know that isn’t going to play out well when you finally reach dating age.
(Hey…aren’t you the girl who…?)
Moving on from that gnarly bit of foot news, we headed to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair…Candy Apple’s Dance Center & Beef Jerky Emporium.
I’ve started to watch these scenes with my head tilted sideways so it feels more like I’m watching the 1960s Batman villains in their hideout.
You wake up with a debilitating stiff neck in the morning, but it really amps up the quality of your viewing pleasure. Sometimes I pretend that the bad a** red haired Mom is really Catwoman. Meow.
Chaos Cathy was working with newly poached Kendall, while Mom Jill and her poof sat on the sidelines. Jill is so out of her element up there in CowVille that it’s almost painful, but that’s what makes it so fun.
I wish Comcast had Smell-0-Vision so I could get a whiff of Jill’s Chanel #5 mixing with the beefy stank of that hand rubbed Bourbon Jerky drying next door.
(Memo to self: Invent Smell-o-Vision. And use Beefy Stank as your new porn name.)
Not only can Cathy make a dance costume out of dried beff and cure the blind, but apparently she can also make the doofy dance again…because suddenly Kendall is learning how to point her toes and not walk into walls. She’s healed!!! Testify.
Cathy has also somehow gotten Kendall a gig dancing at half time during a Harlem Globetrotters Game.
Yeah. That’s what I said. And Jill thinks it’s a perfect fit, whatever that means in a little girl in a skimpy outfit dancing in front of sweaty athletes kind of way. I didn’t ask.
So this is how the rest of the show went down, in case you have somewhere to go.
Holly got sick and tired of Abby not treating Nia with respect and always skipping over her daughter for the trio dances, and climbed down from the Mom Perch to interrupt Abby’s rehearsal to discuss the situation. If you skim when you read, the important words were “interrupt” and “discuss.” The rest you can probably figure out without reading.
It didn’t go well. Abby and Holly got into it, to the point where Holly threatened to leave and never come back. They tossed a lot more smack back and forth, but honestly I was so distracted by the pink sign on the soda machine that I wasn’t paying attention.
Only 75 cents for a can of soda. Shut the front door. Only 75 cents.
I don’t even remember the last time I paid less than $1.50. Seriously. I may have to start dance lessons just to get my Diet Coke fix.
Abby pushed all of Holly’s buttons until she grabbed her daughter and sped off in the car, laying a patch that made me wonder if she had stolen the front desk cash register.
Paige got her warts laser beamed off, and got to wear some cool Prevent Blindness shades in the process. She should keep those to wear in public until the cute boys forget about her feet.
Holly and Nia came crawling back a day and a half later, because it really wasn’t fair to Nia that she got caught up in the drama and Mom wanted to show her how to be the better person. And she forgot her cell phone and day planner in the Mom Perch and had to come back anyway. (That part may be my interpretation of the events, just in case you discuss this over cocktails later.)
Naturally Abby put everyone’s lives at stake by taking off in the bus during a snow storm. Everytime. If you want to make it snow in Pennsylvania, just rent a Greyhound.
The airlines must have done a good job de-icing the wings, because everyone arrived in Miami safe and sound, where Abby took the girls to the beach and the Moms busted open the mini bar.
At first I was a little uncomfortable with all those tiny girls in tiny bikinis rehearsing their Annette and Frankie number out there on the beach, what with all the rolling around and provocative upside down leg splits and all. But then I noticed that they were performing the whole thing in front of a giant Gay Pride flag, so I think they were pretty safe.
Finally, it was showtime.
I love the way that Abby and the gang all do that Desperate Housewives walk into the venue each week. You know…all in a row with the wind blowing their hair in matching outfits. I swear they do it in slow motion sometime.
The competition was held in a big gymnasium kind of joint again, which luckily didn’t give Maddie bad flashbacks, since she did quite a nice face plant the last time she had to dance on wood flooring.
The beach number was cute, and very Annette and Frankie. The high point definitely had to be when my little MacNugget got rolled over everyone else like one of those hot dogs at Cumberland Farms.
The low point was definitely when Nia had a complete brain freeze and forgot her dance. When she ran off the floor in tears I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal or something. She was so sad, but Mom picked her up, dusted her off and sent her back on for her second chance. Totally Team Nia.
I take that all back. The highlight was definitely during Chloe’s solo. Please tell me I’m not making this up and someone else saw it?
She starts the dance laying on the floor. The floor has this FIU logo on it, for whatever FIU stands for…
Her skinny little body pretty much covers up the “I” and subliminally gives a big FU to Abby in the stands.
Nothing else that happened after that really matters anymore, now does it?