Posts Tagged ‘Gianna Martello’

Dance Moms: Lights! Camera! Dance! Jump On The Bed And Then Shuffle Off To Buffalo For One Last Tribute.

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014




I never actually looked at the back of her head before. How does she even make it do that?







Oh yeah, Boyeez. There’s a new Christy in town.






If she wants some Jackson 5 Realness, how ’bout I dangle one of these babies over the railing?






Aw Hell Naw. I know they didn’t just slap that damn ‘Bring It!’ on top of me when my hair is looking so on point. Srsly?






I’m just saying it looks like a blue bathrobe. Don’t ask my opinion if you don’t wanna hear it.






Just tell her that she does NOT want me coming down there snapping my fingers in a Z formation.






Lawd, just gimme the strength to not turn around and snatch that cell phone right outta her sweaty paws.




Warning:  Dance Moms was a downer again.

Not as much of a downer as last week’s sob fest, but you still needed to dab the kleenex a few times as everyone continued to deal with the declining health of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  It was getting real and raw now.

Luckily, though, there was also enough craziness and random Mama Drama to distract those of us who prefer their reality to be…ummm…a little less real, thank you.

There was a lot going on this week, so after a quick front desk tear jerker with Melissa, Abby got right down to business.  Her job was to keep going and that’s what she was going to do.  The Pyramid of Shame doesn’t care if you’re sad or not.

As everyone fell into position, Abby was quick to point out that it was time to start getting tough.  Thirteen wins in a row was nice, but fourteen would be nicer.

No pressure, of course.

Oh.  And next week the new ALDC competition team would be arriving.  So, yeah…on second thought…maybe a little pressure.

And how ’bout that new team?  I don’t know what train they’re traveling on, but it must be making stops at every corner because it has taken them for-ev-er to get to Pittsburgh.  Abby has been dangling this make believe team over the Original Recipe kids’ heads since last season.

But next week they would finally be in the building and my psychic powers are already telling me that at least one of them stuffed a KrazyMom in their suitcase.  So get psyched.

On top of all that exciting news, there was also Mackenzie‘s gangstah rap music video to deal with this week.  And maybe even an actual dance competition if they could squeeze it in between everything else going on at the studio.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Nia, Kendall and Kalani.

Nia had been cut from the group number last week, so she was stuck on the bottom as punishment.  Mom Holly clearly did not agree with that decision and was so mad that she went to the salon and got herself an updo just to spite Abby.


Srsly, chile.  Girlfriend is werkin’ that new hair this season.  If you were taking shots every time Dr. Beyoncé changed looks this week you probably didn’t make it past the third commercial break.  Once you sober up, you might want to check the videotape.


Kendall was in the bottom because she came in Second in the last competition, which is not the same as coming in First.  And Kalani just seemed to be scotch taped next to Kendall in order to make room for Maddie on the top.

The mezzanine level was all about MackZ and Chloe.  MackDiddy got mad props for learning a dance and laying down recording studio tracks all in the same week (…never too young to learn good multi-tasking skills I always say…) while Chloe followed Kalani’s lead and got the heck outta the way so Maddie could be back on top.

This week the gang was headed to The Masters of Dance Arts in Buffalo, NY where all the routines would be performed as tributes to Abby’s Mom and her amazing career.

Chloe scored a 1950′s themed “Friday Night” sock hop soda pop solo, which represented how much Abby’s Mom loved watching Laverne & Shirley, while Maddie scored a “Come To The Cabaret” solo because I guess Maryen knew Liza Minelli or something.

The group dance was basically Maddie’s old “Amazing Grace” routine reworked with backup dancers.  All the girls would be in the number, except for MackTheKnife who was needed on set for her MTV debut.

Even though Chloe had made the cut for the MackZ video last week, she got yanked at the last minute to stay at the studio and work on her solo with James, some ALDC choreographer who suddenly materialized out of nowhere with duct tape covering the logos on his shirt.

I’ll never understand why people do that.  If you know you’re going to be filmed today, why do you always show up wearing a shirt with logos on it and then run all around looking for plumber’s tape?  How about you just wear a black tee shirt?

Macy’s sells a 3-pack for $19.99 fercryinoutloud.  And there’s always a coupon.

While Chloe and James did their best to make sure Nike didn’t get any free advertising, everyone else headed to Melissa’s house for some straight up video chaos.


An ‘on location shoot’ as they say in the biz.

Yup.  MackZ’s video was being filmed in her own bedroom, which was filled with so many colors and patterns and bouncy things that the scene should have probably had one of those disclaimers crawling across the bottom of the screen like you see when strobe lights are being used at a concert.

You just know that somebody in Idaho had a seizure before they even finished downloading the damn song off iTunes.

The whole extravaganza was being directed by Andrew, who can no proudly say that on national television he traded in his ManCard for his SAG card just by showing 200 tweeny boppers at a sleepover how to scream “What We Need Is A Girl Party!” with so much authenticity that it made me uncomfortable.  Dude.  Let’s not do that again, ok?

While Andrew pushed MackWhack off the bed so he and Abby could jump on it themselves, the Moms were all downstairs where the real party was happening.

Couple of things.

One.  I’m not gonna say I told you so.  But I told you so.

Didn’t I just say last week that my MomCrush Jill was waiting to unleash some of her signature Vertes Couture on us when we least expected it?  You know I did.

Whoop der it is.  Crazy fur.

Not as crazy as the blue bathrobe that she wore in the MomPerch later on in the episode.  But still classic Jill.

So, yeah.  I was right about that.  But I was wrong when I said that I couldn’t possible love her any more this week than I did last week.  Because now I do.

I think it’s probably because I know she stole that bathrobe from Canyon Ranch and I secretly want her to take me with her the next time she goes on a Girls’ Weekend Spa Retreat.  Whatever.

Two.  Didn’t the Moms look like they were on The View, all sitting around on those leather couches discussing today’s Hot Topics?  Holly even made a WhoopeeFace a few times.

Three.  I bet Melissa’s house smells like Homegoods potpourri and waffles.  It just looks like the kind of place that would have Eggos in the freezer.


Anyway.  Casa Ziegler was crawling with Old Moms and New Moms and so much commotion that I got a little car sick when everyone was in the same room.  Some never before seen ALDC Moms were in the hizzle for the fo’ shizzle video shoot, including big girl Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) whose daughter Sarah was up on the second floor with her head stuck in the staircase railing.

I think all of the Von Trapp kids were actually up on that overhang with Abby.  I was waiting for it to collapse like those fire escapes you always see on the news.

Melissa hates Christy with a Y for some reason.  I don’t know if she hates her more than she hated Kristie with a K last season, but definitely more than she hates Christi with an I on a bad day.

All I really know is that there’s probably a Pittsburgh cop specifically assigned to the Dance Moms detail by now, because Melissa threatened to call 911 if Christy with a Y didn’t yank her kid’s head out of the banister and get the hell outta her house after she did or said something that probably involved Maddie.

The next day, the video was in the can and the girls were back to rehearsing.  The Moms were in the MomPerch.  Melissa was squirting the biggest tube of lip balm onto her face that I’ve ever seen.  And my MomCrush was a vision in blue.

Bucket List:  Go to the Mall with Jill and see her in her natural habitat.  We could hang out in JCPenney while Holly’s gettin’ her hair did.

Downstairs, Abby was picking on Nia again.  So much so that she actually sent Nia upstairs to get her Mom, who was not in the mood at all.

Side note:  After months of in depth scientific research and studies, I’ve found a direct correlation between the curl in Holly’s hair and her level of sassiness.  It’s true.

And Mama set it on the big rollers today, if you know what I mean.

Snap.  And then another snap.  Any questions?

We also got to watch Maddie rehearse and see Abby cry.  Her Mom was slipping away, so she would not be going to the competition.  Which was sad, but also meant that Gianna could be large and in charge again this week.  She’s a tough cookie.


Gia even wore lipstick in her headshot interview, so you know she meant business.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And hiking in the snow time.

Seriously.  How far away did they park?  Did you see them trekking down the sidewalk?

Backstage in the makeup room, it was the usual backstage in the makeup room drama.  Melissa had gotten a text earlier in the week that Studio Larkin would be at the competition, which was apparently a pretty big deal since everyone was already starting to unravel before any of the girls were even dressed.

Speaking of things escalating quickly.  Somehow everyone started bickering over New Team vs. Old Team and then Christi with an I got (bleeped) out for swearing about Maddie and Kalani being new BFF besties.

Turns out that Maddie (…allegedly…) had talked some smack right up in Chloe’s face and then everyone in the room pig piled onto the argument.

The password is:  Favoritism.

Dr. Beyoncé even compared Abby’s seemingly random weekly exclusion of various girls to the way the Jackson 5 used to always forget to put Tito on the tour bus.

Holly has a PhD in Motown, you know.  True story.

Eventually, they even got to some actual dancing.

The Larkin Ladies were in the row behind our Dance Moms.  One of them didn’t look up from her Samsung Galaxy for the entire competition, so I’m not really sure why she even made the trip.  Not rude at all, right?

There was also a judge that was either a boy or a girl.  Just felt that needed to be said.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  It was Broadway, baby.

As opposed to Broadway Baby.  RIP.

Chloe nailed her solo, getting all Shooby Dooby Wop Wop all over the stage.  It was fun to watch, even though that Larkin Lady missed the whole thing.


Right before the group routines, we got a glimpse of some unnamed dance troupe doing some kind of Wizard of Oz flashmob and it totally cracked me up.  I’ll be youtubing that bad boy later, don’t you worry.

The Studio Larkin team’s dance was great.  But it should be, since I’m pretty sure that all the girls were in their early 30s.  What the–?

They also all had the same color hair and looked like some Stepford Wives meets Radio City Rockettes mad scientist experiment.  At first I thought that maybe the actual Larkin girls were stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire and the Moms had to go on in their place, but I dunno…

And then the ALDC team did their thing.  Chloe looked like she had somehow gotten taller while she was backstage changing out of her solo costume and Maddie came up off the stage floor like Lance Bass did in that *NSYNC marionette video.

Google it, kids.  There really was life before Bieber.  Trust me.

If MackZ’s psychedelic bedroom hadn’t already made you bite your own tongue off, those flashing light towers at the back of the stage probably did the job.

Gah, I hate those things.

And then it was over.  And so was the ALDC’s winning streak.

Studio Larkin took the top spot.  Gia and the girls took Second Place.

But this week wasn’t about the trophies.  It was about paying tribute to an amazing lady.

Even Abby said it.

Nobody could believe she said it.  But she said it.  And it was true.

Next week probably won’t be pretty.  At all.

But today was different.

And even more important than a trophy.

Today was for Mom.



Dance Moms: Family Comes First. But Winning Is Certainly A Close Second When It Comes To Cheers And Tears.

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014




You got about two seconds to get that hand off m’weave before the s*** starts getting real in here.






If she don’t put me in that video I swear I’ll snap the heads off all her Barbies when I get home.






Mack Baby Z is in the hizzle, yo. It’s gonna be dope. And I have no idea what I’m talking about. 






Put on your biggest Kardashian hair and pucker up those Instagram lips. It’s time for a Girl Party!





Not trying to throw my education in yo’ face, but it doesn’t take a damn PhD to count six costumes.







I know you see me back here watching you. I’m watching you so hard, Gurl.








The hellz this s***?




Grab your Capezio bag and a box of Kleenex, kids.

It’s time to dance your face off.  And cry your eyes out.

Dance Moms was a downer this week.  A big ol’ downer.

No other way to describe it, as the show dealt with family responsibility, growing old, illness and the impending passing of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller .

Basically all the grown up stuff that I try to avoid at all costs.  If you’ve been hanging around here for any time at all then you already know that I’ll do anything to avoid having an adult conversation.  And this week was no different.  But if we all stick together, support each other and make fun of a few people, I know we can get through this.

There was definitely more crying and less screaming this week as everyone tried to come to terms with the inevitable.  A lot of crying, actually.  Little kids crying.  Big kids crying.  Moms crying.  Even some group crying thrown in there to make sure we all went to bed in a really bad mood on a school night.

Grab Your Kleenex Moments, as they say.

If that’s not your thing, I’ll do my best to warn you ahead of time if anything mopey is about to go down.  That way you can either skim over it like nothing bad ever happens in real life, or save it for when you’re all alone and nobody can see you ugly cry.

Coming off twelve straight wins in a row, the ALDC Team was already sniffing out #13.  A dozen wins later and they still hadn’t run out of steam.  Just rhymes.

Gone were the ‘Eleven is Heaven’ and ‘Twelve on the Shelve(s)’ chants.  Now it was just Lucky Thirteen, like they weren’t even trying to be clever anymore.  Just win the damn thing, already.  We’re dancers, not poets.

As everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that Abby was going to be an emotionally overbooked hot mess this week.

Not only was her Mom sick, but she was also dealing with the upcoming auditions for Mackenzie‘s Girl Party music video and a studio floor that was completely cluttered with gigantic rolls of seamless green paper and camera equipment, thanks to an in-progress photo shoot for MackZ’s new gangster rap CD and puffy paint sticker collection.


Not to mention another competition.

You don’t just get handed the Lucky Thirteen.  Der.

Needless to say, you could already tell what tracks this runaway train was headed down as everyone rolled into the building.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was everyone except Kalani.  Boom.  Done.

Every girl had done exactly what they were supposed to do in last week’s group competition, even when they couldn’t hear the music from the stage, so Abby just lined ‘em all up and kept it moving.  Kalani had snagged the top overall score in Ohio, so she was the week’s top dancer.

Rules are still rules even when you change the shape of the Pyramid.

Sidenote:  The OCD part of me can’t stand how some of the girls head shots are real head shots, while some of them are half body shots.  Consistency, people.  Drives me nuts.

First Grab Your Kleenex Moment:  I think Melissa cut her own bangs.  That wasn’t the saddest part, but I did get a little emotional during her solo confessional spot.

The sad part was actually when Abby gave an update on her Mom’s condition.  Melissa talked about Maryen and how much she meant to everyone at the ALDC.

Abby cried.  The kids cried.  Melissa bawled.  And then Abby motioned for one girl at a time to come forward for a hug.  Just one.  Like when the Pope pulls you from the crowd on Easter Sunday.  No disrespect to the Pope or to the Abby.  I just get uncomfortable when things get too sad and make Pope jokes.

This week, after months of threats and open casting call auditions,  Abby would finally be deciding on her new team.  A second ALDC Elite Team to send into battle and hog even more trophies from the folks over at Candy Apples.

Who would be on the new team?  Who knows.  Would the old team still be intact?  Who knows.  But all would be revealed as soon as the final round of cuts took place in Pittsburgh.  So stay tuned.


Kendall and Nia both scored solos this week.  Chloe and Kalani were handed a duet.  And the whole team (…Spoiler Alert:  Or not…) would be dancing in a Bollywood & Vine group number.

GYKM:  After a few more hugs and tears (…Melissa was taking this harder than Abby was…) everyone got to rehearsing while the Moms hit the Perch for some dead silence and sad faces.  This whole cloud of depression was really bringing down their mojo.

I felt especially bad for Kira, who was so new that she didn’t even know what to do with herself while the Original Recipe Moms reminisced about all their years at the ALDC.  She looked at her nails a lot this week.  I did notice that.

MoleGate.  And that’s the last time I’m saying it.  Don’t ask me again.

Nia and Kendall’s rehearsals were a little wobbly right out of the gate, but I had complete faith in both of them.  Despite it being the Official Year of the Nia, my girl hasn’t had much luck with her solos this season, so it was really important that she nail her shoo bop a doo bop this week.   And Kendall just needed to make it through one entire episode without crying.  Which is totally doable, because she’s got the right stuff.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Pretty low key this week.  Hair looked good.  Nothing too outrageous going on in the wardrobe department.  But don’t get too comfortable.  I’ll bet you anything that she’s just laying low for a week or two before springing some signature crazy a** ostrich fur on us when our guard is down.  Like she’s waiting in the fashion jungle for the perfect moment to shoot us in the neck with a dart when we’re not looking.

Love.  Her.

Then it was time for some Mack Diddy Fo Shizzy Zig Ziggly in da house, yo.

Apparently Abby is the brains behind this whole Mackenzie music video concept that came out of nowhere a few weeks ago, because after shlepping MackZ to the recording studio to lay down some riffs, she was now running an audition for backup dancers.

Q.  Do you like eating sugar straight out of the bag, kissing Cody Simpson posters and jumping up and down on Austin Mahone bedsheets during a sleepover?

A.  Yes?  Then do I have the audition for you, Miss Thang!  Sign at the glitter ‘X,’ please.


Sitting behind one of those tables that block every grocery store exit during Girl Scout Cookie month, Abby and MackYoWhack put every girl who couldn’t get a ticket to the Kids’ Choice Awards through some backflips and age appropriate booty pops before deciding on a team of dancers.  Chloe was cut.  I think it was her height, because otherwise she werked it just fine.  They played some mind games on Maddie before allowing her to participate and then finished up by adding a few random girls into the mix.

I’m thinking that Brooke Hyland is probably throwing herself off the roof of that Big Apple Tour bus right about now if she witnessed all the attention that Abby smothered over Mackenzie this week.  I’m pretty sure I don’t recall this much TLC when Brooke wanted to break onto the iTunes charts.  Wasn’t Brooke’s entire video shot with last year’s iPhone?

And you know Abby bought the bus tickets during a Groupon promo.

I do miss all that Hyland Hilarity.

Then it was back to the group dance.  And more problems in the costume department.

Turns out that Abby was short one costume for the Bollywood routine.  Five instead of Six.  Which I didn’t understand at all, considering that there were only six kids in the whole ALDC team.  The same six kids from last week when you had the same costume drama.

How hard can all this be to remember?

Due to the shortage,  she ran everyone through the rehearsal one more time and then cut Nia.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Holly was all like OhHellNo and I was all like YeahWhatSheSaid and then I realized that I forgot to put the link to Dr. Beyoncé’s new book in the recap last week.  And if you don’t buy the book, then they won’t make the movie.  And I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear during my walk-on cameo…so let’s go, people.  Chop Chop.

But what I really don’t get with the whole CostumeGate thing (…let’s see how long I can milk this trend before I lose readers…) is how Abby can order a complete size range of outfits but then randomly cut a dancer.  I mean, what is she had cut Mackenzie instead?

Would Nia end up on stage wearing a costume made for a tiny 9 year old girl?  How does she keep messing up the counts?  And while she’s online, why doesn’t she just order a damn calculator from Staples?  Geez, Louise.


GYKM:  This one was too sad to even make jokes about.  I already crossed the line last time when I picked on that stuffed dog, so I’ll just take a pass on Melissa’s visit to the Sterling House if that’s ok.  It was heartbreaking to see Abby and Melissa crying in the hallway after catching a glimpse of the dark room where Maryen was spending her last days.  Nobody wants to see anyone suffer.

Back at the ALDC, Gianna was large and in charge this week, getting the girls ready for their Dance USA competition in Ohio.  The only thing larger was a gigantic Pinterest board that had mysteriously shown up in the middle of the studio.  If Pinterest had a Messed Up Mind Game category, that is.

The board was tacked full of the old Team’s photos across the bottom and a bunch of new faces all slapped haphazardly across the top.  Subliminal much?

Needless to say, the Moms were not big fans of Abby psyching out her Dream Team from the other side of town.  Even the girls were all like WTF? as they rushed the board the same way everyone on Glee used run to the wall when the leads in the Spring musical were announced.

MackZ sez that shiz is whacked fo’ shizzle.  Let’s just have a Girl Party instead!

Finally, it was Showtime!

GYKM:  The bus ride to Ohio when the girls each took a second to remember their favorite Maryen Moment.  Ruined only by Abby on the other end of Gia’s phone making it clear that she didn’t need the girl’s love….she need their win.  So there’s that, I guess.

The duet was like looking in a mirror.  OMG.  Chloe and Kalani were totes twinsies.  

Kendall’s solo was on point.  I’m pretty sure that she was wearing Mom’s pleather pants.

Nia gave Face for days when she hit the stage.  We don’t need no stinkin’ group number, mmmkay?  I’m thinking that Sasha Nia is back, bitches.

GYKM:  Holly’s backstage prayer circle.


As everyone scrambled to drop their buns lower (…a joke right now would be way too easy even for me…) it was clear that Nia not only gets all her sass from her Mama but all her faces, as well.

Clearly, she was not happy that she couldn’t be in the group routine and some of Nia’s soon-to-be patented FrazierSideEyes gave me life.  I’m totally stealing that one look she gave Kalani and Chloe the next time I’m stuck in a long line at the DMV.

Scroll up and enjoy it one more time, if you’d like.  I’ll wait.

The group dance brought the house down.  And it looked pretty legit, even though the only frame of reference I really have is that first year they did Bollywood on So You Think You Can Dance and the Pussycat Dolls‘ Slumdog video.

I’m also going to assume that the night before competition the Moms all went out for shots and got henna tattoos, because that totally happened.  I think all that intricate body art is really cool until it starts wearing off and then you end up just looking like you forgot to wear gloves when you refinished your dining room chairs over the weekend.  They need to figure out a better way for it to fade out.  Just saying.

Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls.  The Moms all busted out some redoinkulous MomDancing prior to the Awards ceremony.  Please let their be a blooper reel when the Season 4 DVD comes out.  I don’t ask for much anymore.

Results?  Nia took Third.  Kendall took Second.  The duet pulled First Place.  And the group routine gave them all the Lucky Thirteen they had been dreaming about all week.

Even with all the tears, it was a big success.

And over.

Time to gather all those wads of kleenex up off the floor and call it a night.  Don’t worry…next week doesn’t look nearly as gloomy.  So pull it together.

The preview even showed some screaming, a couple of swear words and MackJackKnife cutting a bitch during the taping of her sleepover video.  I think we’re back in business next time.

So now it’s just the final GYKM of the week:  Saying goodbye to all of you.



Dance Moms: Sorry, Honey. No Solo For You. Old Moms, New Moms And Wannabes Throwing Down In Motown.

Wednesday, March 5th, 2014




Gotta make sure I get a good shot of these new pants. There’s a lot going on down there.






I know, right? My first book! Which is one more than the rest of you. So suck on that for a few.






Honestly, I was just looking for the Glitz Pageant. But I’ll take two books, because your man is Fine.







Stop staring at me. I told you it’s gone.







Oh. Hell. No. I know that new Mom did not just throw shade in my face. Gurrrrl…this won’t end well.






I’m pretty sure I don’t need some bitch in last year’s blouse coming in here talking trash.






Think, Girl. Think. Did you unplug the hot rollers this morning? Cuz that could be an issue.




Road trip!

Pack some snacks and gas up the Rambler, girls.

Mama’s got a brand new Louis bag and she’s taking it to Detroit.

Dance Moms hit the highway this week to celebrate Motor City’s hot mess of a financial meltdown.  Because nothing get those toes tapping like $18.5 billion in unpaid debt, right?

Clearly, if you can’t bail yourself out of bankruptcy, the least you can do is dance about it.

Basking in an 8 week glow as Undefeated Champions of the World, Abby Lee Miller and the ALDC gang were revving their engines in anticipation of Number 9 from the minute they all scooted in for the obligatory Pyramid of Shame.

Kelly, Brooke and Paige were still MIA.  Never to return (…at least for now…) and clearly only mentioned in this sentence for the purpose of getting me more Google hits from their fan base.  I’m not proud, but at least I own it.

Before the Big Reveal, there were a couple of topics to discuss.

One:  Abby’s makeup.  Srsly.

I don’t know if it was residual smear on my television screen from Monday’s premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race or what, but Ms. Miller was contoured and highlighted like she was about to lip sync for her life.

I’m not hatin’.  Love you.  Mean it.  But whoa.  Sissy that Face, Miss Thang.

Two:  My girl Holly was all like Well That’s A Nice Story And All, But I Just Published My First Book.  Hollah!  And then she danced a little, I think.   

That’s right.  Dr. Beyoncé finally cranked out the first pressing of ‘Moments Of Clarity’ …a novel chock full of daily affirmations and fashion tips, which you can buy right here.  Or if you’re really that lazy, you can just look to the left of this paragraph, go up a little and then click on her face.  It’s really not rocket science.

But remember…it’s her old ‘do in the graphic.  So don’t get confused.  It’s still her, I swear.

Just before she got her hair did, mmmkay?


And no, I still don’t get commission.  She just owes me lunch.  With dessert, thank you.

All the other Moms gave Holly a big round of applause and immediately got all excited about an upcoming book signing.  Abby even showed a little uncharacteristic support by doing that odd base of her palm thing that she always does to ensure that no acrylics pop off while she’s clapping.  It’s like Monkey Clapping when you pull a surprise banana out of your pocket and they all start throwing themselves against the bars of the cage.

Unfortunately, the entire press release was overshadowed once again by one of Jill‘s crazy a** fur vests.  I’ll even go out on a limb and call it the best one yet.

Well played, Mama Vertes.  I did not know that Star Trek had a couture line.

Captain Kirk would totally tap that.

C’mon.  How much do we love Jill?  Muah.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was filled up with Nia, Kendall and Maddie.  Nia had some headpiece issues in last week’s group dance.  I swear those ALDC girls must grease their heads, because there ain’t one girl in that building who has ever been able to keep something on her head for an entire routine.  Am I wrong?

Kendall did just fine at the last competition, but then Captain Kirk’s new girlfriend mouthed off and sealed her daughter’s fate this week.  So there you go.

Since Maddie was off in Los Angeles last week getting an Oscar for Most Dances With The Same Facial Expression, she had to be on the bottom just because of the rules.  Otherwise I’m certain that she would have been on top again.

The Middle row was special seating for Chloe and Mackenzie, for no real reason other than to leave room at the top for Kalani and that sassy hands on her hips soap opera headshot.  You see that thing?  I thought Abby was going to pull out one of those little plastic handheld fans that big girls take to the beach and try to make Kalani’s hair move in the photo.  Werk.

And then the whole MoleGate Twitter thing started again.

I dunno wassup with Kira.  Why would I?  It’s there.  And then it’s gone.  And then it’s back again.  And then it’s gone again.  Rinse & Repeat.

Somebody even wrote to me specifically to find out what insider information I might have regarding Kira’s upper lip.



Yeah, I’m tight with the Dance Moms crew.  They’ll deny it in court, but we’re BFFs now.  But I draw the line at accompanying any of them to laser treatments.  Even if there are cocktails involved.  Because that would be uncomfortable for at least one of us.

So please stop asking me about you-know-what.

As mentioned earlier, the gang was heading to Detroit for another one of those SpellCheck Nightmare In10sity Dance Competitions.

Maddie and Kendall scored solos, which made both Before and After Treatment Kira question why Kalani was never allowed to go up against a Ziegler.

Spoiler Alert:  She didn’t get very far in that argument even though she did manage to drag it out for the entire hour.

The group routine, entitled Riches To Rags, was a snappy little number about unemployment and financial hardships that got Holly a little concerned.  She’s not big on mocking other people’s hardships.  Even for a trophy.

As Holly voiced her concerns in the MomPerch, Abby was downstairs in the studio explaining why Maddie…and her solo…were both breathtakingly Timeless.  Because she likes to push everyone else’s buttons like that.

All that really mattered during the conversation was Kalani, who instead of knocking Maddie unconscious in front of the cameras, chose instead to just scratch her head with one finger like girls do when their weaves or braids are too tight right before a playground fight.

We could all learn a lot about snarky attitude from that girl.  She’s my new idol and she’s pretty and awesome and pretty awesome.

But no rumble today, kids, because it was time to press some flesh and hug some babies at Holly’s Book Signing.

Held in one of those big hotels that made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, Holly and Barack Obama were holding their first Meet & Greet Autograph Session.

Um.  Hello?  Dr. Holly’s Man Evan?  I have no clue what office he’s running for, but I’m totally voting for him in September.


Dude was schmoozing and waving and hugging s*** like he was a parade marshal or something.  All the Moms dropped by in a show of solidarity.  And Abby.  And most of the cast from The Cosby Show.

Totes jealz that I wasn’t there.  I would have totally sat at that other table with those two Girl Scouts and minded my own business just selling books and Thin Mints.

Back at the ALDC, Kendall was working on her solo while some random baby was being tossed upside down next door in Studio C.  Not sure why we needed to actually see that, but watching some tiny preemie being flipped around like a bean bag did kind of give me life for a second.

Nice try on the somersault, too.  I’m also 80% Head.  So I feel your pain, kid.

Kendall’s dance involved wrapping a pair of pointe shoes around her neck and then whipping them in circles like Britney Spears does with her fake hair.

Meltdown in 3…2…1.

Kendall lost it.  Gianna lost it.  Jill lost it.  The Swinging Is Too Much!  Not Doing It!  Crying.  Doors slamming.  More crying.

And then Maddie went into the studio, learned her entire solo, baked a cake and cured polio in 2.5 minutes.  It was starting to look like a set up.  Or was it?  Hmmm.

All I know is that it was the most I’ve ever heard Kendall talk in 3 years.  She’s sassy.

On the final day before the competition, Abby was MIA and Gianna was large and in charge.  And the first item on her to-do list was to have Melissa come down from the MomPerch and videotape Maddie’s rehearsal for some reason.  

One:  Melissa’s snuggly wuggly pajama jeans were like dropping acid and then sticking your head in a washing machine.  I don’t even know where you find a factory that still makes that pattern in stretch fabric now that the 1960′s are over.

Even Jill hated them.  And when Jill draws the line…well…there you go.

Two:  Everyone was moisturizing up in the Perch.  Which is fine.  It’s cold and dry in Pittsburgh.  I get it.  But when they’re all up there chewing gum and lubing up like a cult it’s just a little creepy.  No wonder their kid’s hats never stay on their heads.


Finally, it was Showtime!  And cameo appearance by a new whack job Mom time!

Fresh from the ALDC Open Call Auditions in New York City, wannabe Mom Jeanette Cota swooped down from some open ceiling tile like a dancing ninja and pounced on Abby as they entered the venue.

Remember me from the Open Call?  Remember me?  And my jungle print Kohl’s blouse?  The blouse that is no where near as cool as Holly’s new flowing Wilma Flintstone animal skin?  Or Mackenzie’s zebra print carry-on?

Do not adjust your set.  There was a lot of Jersey Shore going on this week.

Abby claimed that all these crazy Moms were now stalking her across the country in the hopes of getting their kids onto the ALDC Elite Team.  Jeanette apparently hitchhiked all the way from Michigan to sneak her daughter Ava onto the team.

Which made me wonder what ever happened to that girl from Nebraska who showed up at the studio with Kalani that first day?  She waved, sat down and was never heard from again.  I hope she made it home safely.

They’re from Nebraska, you know.

Backstage was a mess.  I don’t think you need me to tell you that the entire back wall looked like a mall pet store.  At least the part that wasn’t covered in hot pink fabric.  What are they hiding back there?  Why are there cages everywhere?  I think this goes way deeper than any of us initially suspected.

But don’t worry, though.  When Evan gets elected he’ll clean up government.

Kendall and Maddie’s solo went like all the Kendall and Maddie solos.  No news here.

The group routine managed to mock Detroit’s welfare system without anyone in the audience even realizing what was happening on stage.  Luckily Motor City isn’t the one where the Mayor does crack, or that would have substantially more awkward.  And probably harder to score.

Mackenzie did throw a nicely choreographed hissy fit on stage, complete with one of the girls picking her up mid-tantrum.  I almost forgot that she was even on the show this week until she dropped that spaz on us.

Backstage in the pet store, Jeanette busted down the door and started talking smack about Kendall which got both Jill and Kira noticeably wound up.


Fake Kristie Ray Hilliker has gotten much better at tossing her head and whipping those big earrings around lately.  She gets points this week.

And then suddenly it was another Improv Dance Off.  Because they do that a lot lately.  But this one was on stage.  For money or something, I guess.  I dunno.  It just kind of came out of nowhere.  Like Jeanette.

Chloe, Kalani and Random Girl #25 from WhoKnowsWhere ended up being in the Final Three.  Which meant that Ava got cut early, which made Jill and Kira pretty darn happy.  Then Random Girl #25 won the whole thing.

Followed by the Awards.  And some serious MomDancing in the seats.

Sit down, Jill.  You’re drunk.

Kendall scored 9th Place.  Maddie scored 1st Place.  And the group came in Numero Uno.

Nine weeks in a row, beeotches!

To celebrate, Christi and Abby decided to throw down in the hallway again.  Git In M’Face!  Git Outta M’Face!  Keep It Up!  Keep It Up!  Not Scared Of You!

Check out Melissa’s nervous blinking.  And Holly autographing books in the background.

And then Christi called her own mother something that got (bleeped) out.  They even blurred her mouth out like VH1 does when the Mob Wives threaten each other with a fork to the throat.

Nine weeks.  Can they make it Ten?

Will they even live that long?

And what about Kalani?  Is she officially on the Team yet?

And how about that Jeanette lady?  And Ava?

So many questions that will have to go unanswered for now.

At least until next week.

When Candy Apples return.

That’s right.  She’s baaaaack.

But for now…just go away.

It’s over.



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