Posts Tagged ‘Gianna Martello’

Dance Moms: Abby’s Back…And She Brought Tiny Reenforcements. It’s The Invasion Of The All-New ALDC Minis!

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016

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The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.

 

 

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Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.

 

 

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I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?

 

 

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Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.

 

 

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Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.

 

 

 

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It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.

 

 

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Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

Big Things do come in Little Packages.

Especially when you’re talking Diamonds.  And Mama Drama.

Just ask the new ALDC Minis.  About the Mama Drama part, anyway.

For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.

Or at least their Mamas have.

The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.

Spoiler Alert #2:  Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.

bbowBut that’s really jumping ahead in the story.

And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here.  My bad.

Back to the beginning.

As  we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos.  I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.

Nicole, I mean.  Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.

(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)

Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill.  Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season.  Almost.

And Abby Lee Miller was back.  Finally.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week.  Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.

Side note:  If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:

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Thanks for stopping by, tho.

And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too.  Super-sized.  Now with Minis!

Full disclosure:  It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network.  So there’s that, I guess.

And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”

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…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.

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I was all like…
2015 - 1Holly was all like…tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

And then Holly did this.  And this.  And this.  And this.

Feel free to add your own dialogue.   h h2 h1 h4Study note:  There will be a geography quiz at the end of the episode, so make sure you know where Africa, America and Pittsburgh are…and the difference between the three, you crazy whack job dance studio owner.

I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.

This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.

The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number.  Because Maddie was still off doing her movie.  Still.

Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA.  We get it.

You gave up a lot.  You left your family and kids behind.

Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener.  Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week.  Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin.  Just saying.

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And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.

Same argument.  Different outfits.  Don’t talk smack about my kid.  I’m not talking smack about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.

Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.

jfuAshlee was all like don’t tell me to (…bleep…) you, because I will.  So hard.

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Oh, really?

real1Really.

real

You’ve got a fat a**.

Well, you’re old.

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No lie.

It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle.  You see that?  And what is Melissa always eating?  Because it looks mighty tasty.

Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up.  Two hours late, thank you.

Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.

This show.  I swear.

Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.

Ok.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.

kidThat bow big enough, BTW?

These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.

With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.

I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off  the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?

jsSide note:  Lynn busted into the studio and interrupted Abby’s rehearsals at least 7 times before she was finally shut down and sent back to the other Moms in tears.  Honestly, even if you’ve never seen the show, I don’t know how many fingers you need to lose before you stop sticking your hand in the monkey cage, lady.

l1And then Melissa wanted in on some of this New Mom Fun.

Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people.  This is how ‘this’ works.

giphySide note:  Kerri called Melissa the ‘Godfather’ later in the episode when Lynn started making fun of Mackenzie’s pigtails, but I couldn’t wait any longer to use that clip.

Side note Numero Due:  I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.

Capiche?

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Side note Numero Tre:  Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.

IMG_1250I’ve never been to one myself, but everyone was going on and on about how good the food was and now I want to use the residuals (…that Lifetime should have been paying me all these years for pimping out their show…) to open a franchise, even though it looks exactly like a Subway sandwich in a different piece of wax paper.

Power of: Social Media.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

For this guy, anyway.

3872959826_2aed9b9de5_oSrsly.  Where was everybody?

Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive.  No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones.  No glitter paint poster paper signs.  Nuthin.

Nuthin inside, either.  It was freaky.  Nobody could figure it out.

Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well.  You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long.  The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.

Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.

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And besides.  Abby doesn’t do cute.  At least not this week.

Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.

Like this.mzExcuse me?

mkzThat’s when Melissa threatened to chew Lynn’s face off and when Kerri called her the Dance Moms Godfather.kk

That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.

You just keep talking to yourself, woman.

Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.  bbam

Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.

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The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.

Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.

Really.  Did they even have the date right?  Where is everyone?

When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.

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Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.

Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.

Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.

Each other, basically.

Ashlee didn’t get it.  Lynn really didn’t get it.  Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes.  And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course.  Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.

And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.

Maybe she’d be back.  Maybe not.  Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis.  Maybe not.

Brynn could stay for now, tho.

At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.brNo big fight this time.  No real last minute drama.

The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.

Right, Holly?

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So, yeah.  I guess we’re done here.

See you next time.

Or not.

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Dance Moms: When Abby Goes Rogue Again, It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue. Hurray For Bollywood…And Africa.

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

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Don’t you cry, niblet. At least you’re not wearing any pigtails. Trust me…it’s been a looong 5 years.

 

 

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Baby, look at me. When I’m done with you, that sore back is gonna remember remember my name.

 

 

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So I went online to check out all my haters’ viral music videos and…wait…there are none. Hashtag: OhSnap

 

 

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Aww Hell Nah. I specifically said no bathroom security jobs that involved clowns. I’m done.

 

 

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You trash my hair on social media and I’ll be at your house tonight unplugging the damn internet.

 

 

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If these babies can teach me how to take a selfie, I don’t care if they live in the backroom.

 

 

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I’ll totally help all these little squirts if they wanna pay me in snacks. It’s still all about the chips.

 

 

 

You.

Yeah.  I’m talking to You.

You’ve got Big Dreams.  You want Fame.

Well, Fame costs.  And right here is where you start paying.

In Sweat.

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And you can quote me on that.  Or maybe that lady right there, if you’d prefer.

Because Debbie Allen has arrived, y’all.

The Queen is in the building.  And that is awesome.  And amazing.  And inspiring.

And it’s totally jumping about four commercial breaks ahead in the recap and referencing the wrong television show all at the same time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Debbie Allen.

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And now that I’ve ruined the surprise, let’s start at the beginning.

Dance Moms kicked off this week’s episode already slightly discombobulated (…and completely right back where they started their whole Hollywood journey…) on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio, which was apparently once again serving as rehearsal space for the ALDC.

After resigning from her own Life (…which still makes about as much sense to me as I dunno what…) Abby Lee Miller had apparently locked the Moms out of the new ALDCLA studio and gone into reclusive hoarding/hiding inside the bowels of that freaky back storeroom, forcing everyone else to find temporary housing.

3rd Street Dance to the rescue.

Thankfully, this studio seems to have way more Salsa posters and Zumba signage than they do actual running classes, because the place always seems to be empty and available at a minute’s notice.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, the team scored a home for now.

Side note:  I’m totally ok with Lifetime using that ‘Previously On Dance Moms’ clip of my MomCrush Jill flipping out on Abby every week for the rest of the season if they’d like, because it’s been on every episode since it happened and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.j-1

True.  It’s probably not as epic as throwing a shoe while wearing Dollar Store western headgear, but sometimes even the best peak too early.  It just happens.

So, anyway. Abby was MIA.  Again.

Just like Maddie, who was not only starring in whatever movie keeps taking her away from the studio every other week, but also apparently writing it, directing it and editing all the sci-fi laser beam computer animation, because it’s certainly taking her a long time to wrap this thing up.  Let’s go, people.  Time is Money.

And now Nia was MIA, too.  Or so they thought.

Turns out she was just back a block or two on her Sidekick, voicing her concerns to the Social Media Director at NiaSioux Enterprises, LLC regarding some not-so-cool replies from internet haters to a post she had put online about how to do a spin or something.

One:  Really?

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Two:  Remember when kids used to play outside?  Is that not a thing anymore?

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Three:  Really?

h4Don’t even get me started.  I don’t understand social media sometimes.

Or toe spins.

Since Abby was…you know…Gianna was in charge this week.  And our girl doesn’t do Pyramids.  So moving right along.  Is this gonna be a 30 minute show or what?

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce Dance Competition.

But NO Solos.  Only Duets.  Three of them.

Nia and Kalani scored an African Dance number, which was going to be choreographed by Travis Payne‘s assistant Aisha Francis.  Turns out that neither Pyramids OR African Dance are Gia’s thang.  Being the best babysitter EVAH to the Minis still is, tho.

Spoiler Alert:  If this African routine turns out to be even half as #OnFleek as Aisha’s eyebrows, I ain’t too worried, because…Gurrrrl, that face is Beat.

Which is a good thing, FYI…at least according to the kids who are currently hating on my blog instead of being outside getting fresh air.

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Newbies Peyton (…Pay-Ton’…) and Alexus (…‘Alexis’ without the ‘I’…) were given the first Mini Duet Flashback of the season:  A reinvented interpretation of Chloe and Asia‘s classic ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ routine.

This one.

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My_dollHow much did we love Chloe and Asia Monet Ray?  And Christi.

And how about Asia’s Mom Kristie Ray?  How much did we love her?  Especially when she lost her nutty and did this thing up in the MomPerch…

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1…which is easily the best Dance Moms Gif ever in the history of Dance Moms Gifs…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…except for that one right there, of course.  What the What?

I really can’t look at both of them together for very long or my head will explode.

The final ‘Odd Couple’ duet went to Kendall and Brynn, which was done basically to allow their Moms the opportunity to pig pile on top of each other for the remainder of the episode.  No love lost there, folks.

Brynn’s Mom Ashlee immediately asked which part was harder.  #OhNoSheDint.

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1Yes, she did.  And Jill didn’t like it much.  Which explains why she made a #JillFace that looked exactly like a #HollyFace and then I didn’t know what was happening.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Truth:  I could literally tell the rest of this week’s episode with just these two Gifs.

And don’t think I won’t try.

Side note:  Just so nobody says I’m not giving equal time, here is one of my all-time favorite Christi moments.  I don’t know why it is, but it is.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_n5xw6vNZ9O1ts65cuo1_500And then it was time for Nakul Dev Mahajan to arrive.

Oh, hey.

nk1And, heeeey.

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Straight outta So You Think You Can Dance, the Bollywood King was flashing hand jives and ancient finger dings from the moment he walked through the door.  Brought in to choreograph the elaborate Big & Little group number, Nakul was da bomb.  Nobody knows this Bollywood shizz better than this guy.  Trust me.

Now let’s just hope he can teach Minis how to pinky finger the Lotus.

pAs the full-size and pint-size girls all tried to work together without poking their own eyes out, the Moms headed into the back hallway to chew on each other’s necks for a few minutes.

Peyton was having trouble picking up the choreography, which meant that her Mom Kerri was already starting to unravel.  Ashlee was already psychically predicting that Kendall would not be able to act out the character in her dance.  Melissa was getting that twitch she gets when Abby’s not around.

And the rest of the Moms all sat around in what I swear was swirling asbestos dust.

Srsly.  Please tell me you saw all that fuzz floating in the air.

3Wi0XUKI know it’s an old building, but…gah.

Luckily, Holly, Nia and Kalani didn’t have to inhale it for very long, because they were off to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy for a freebie.

YAAAAAAAAS, Queen!

Debbie Allen had offered up her studio for an African Dance class, which Holly somehow found out about by chatting up Aisha on her cellphone the night before.  Because apparently ‘Aisha’ comes right before ‘Aubrey’ in Holly’s speed-dial.  I don’t even ask anymore.  That phone’s memory card must be massive.

When you get to the ‘Ds’ and wanna go to lunch, call me.

I love Debbie Allen.  She’s strong.  Inspirational.  And every word that comes out of her mouth could go on a t-shirt or one of those expensive Hallmark cards that require additional postage because they’re so heavy.

Debbie walked into that studio and everyone was all like…YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_n84i1fYDY41rnss34Plus, she was wearing a beret.  Slightly askew.  So you knew she meant bidnezz.

When Debbie Allen speaks,  the room falls silent.  Holly, Nia and Kalani were captivated as The Queen discussed being a Performer vs. being an Artist.

She said “I would wish Artistry on both of you.”  YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_nvgu4iNvc51satrrh_500And it just kept going.  All to a crazy drum beat.

Not gonna lie.  By the time they finished rehearsals and Debbie told them to “Never be afraid to try.  Success is a Journey.  It is always in the making.” I was like…tumblr_inline_nox6iqYyyd1qdbwps_500Call me a cab.  I’m done.

Side note:  When Debbie Allen was on the TV show Fame, she wore loose fitting Flashdance-looking tops and posed like this a lot with Billy Hufsey

fame season 3 debbie allen, billy hufsey, gene anthony ray

…who, years later, somehow ended up being Asia Monet Ray’s agent for a short time…

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…after she danced on Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition

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…which has nothing really to do with Debbie Allen training Nia and Kalani, but could totally come in handy on Trivia Night if you want to write it down somewhere.

I know, right?  Mind.  Blown.Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1

The following day(…only 24 hours before competition…) the Moms were all together again, doing that excited/jealous thing they do when one girl does something cool and the others don’t.  Everyone was happy for Nia and Kalani’s Debbie Allen Experience, but Melissa planned on having her children dance where their jackets say they dance.

Which…ok.  I love Melissa, but she didn’t say much this week.

She made this face a few times, tho.  Not sure why.

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Since the Minis were still struggling with the Bollywood choreography, Nakul had asked them all to rehearse at home together.  Which they didn’t do, because Tiffanie and Mary decided to take their kids to some secret bunker somewhere and now Kerri was starting to unravel faster.

It was getting whackier by the minute, I swear.

You just know that if Debbie Allen’s sister Phylicia Rashad had been there, she would have been looking at those Moms all like..

3.-Phylicia-Rashad-The-Cosby-Show

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for Kerri to completely lose her marbles.  Just because Holly asked the Mini Moms how their late night rehearsals had been going.

Well, that started it, anyway.

I guess Kerri had threatened to call the po-po on Tiffanie for some reason.  Tiffanie then said that Peyton was huddled up in a corner somewhere in the fetal position last night screaming for her mother.

Which Kerri didn’t handle very well.  Since, according to her version of the story, her child was sitting on her own bleepity bleepin’ lap the whole time, you stupid bleep. kerBoom.  #MicDropFace.

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Production note:  Right around here they either edited out 27 minutes of footage, or Tiffanie is the Fastest CryBaby Evah, because she started bawling her eyes out before Kerri even lost that Kardashian pucker.

cryI know, Holly.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Same.

Peyton came out in her Monster Doll makeup and looked waaaay crazy pants.  Kudos to whoever painted that mug.

But she still messed up a practice move with Gia and then Kerri melted down.

dollDance Moms “I’m Done” Contract Clause:  As previously discussed, every Mom is required to say it at least once per season.  And this week was Kerri’s time.  Big Time.

She snatched her phone and her kid (…in that order, BTW…) and plowed through the open doors and then straight into the closed elevator door.  You see that?

Not sure why she didn’t push the button like the sign says.

It was chaos.  Security guys everywhere.  Kerri was swinging her shoes around like she was at some Designer Sample Sale and needed to get traction on the marble floor before all her sizes were gone.  There was some nameless producer guy begging Kerri to stay on the show (…via Honey Boo Boo subtitles…) and even one guy in front of the ladies’ room who jumped out of his skin when he saw a 3 foot tall clown running towards him with a skeleton face and a barefoot Mom looking like Alice Cooper.

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But it was Mackenzie who saved the day.

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It’s not easy being 6 years old.  Nobody knows dat better than MackZ, yo.

Been there.  Done that.  So she took the little scary clown under her wings and told her everything was gonna be alright.  And that she knows her Mom is a loose cannon.  And that everything about the ALDC is clearly straight off the hook.

But if you stick it out long enough, you get chips at some point.

bad-makeup-GIFFull disclosure:  I didn’t know where else to put the animation of that little girl in her crazy makeup.  It kinda goes with the story and yet makes no sense whatsoever.  It has nothing to do with the show and yet pretty much sums up the entire episode in one graphic.  So there you go.

And now we wasted so much time on all this that there’s no room for the actual competition.  Check out Nia’s makeup, tho.

nkkThe Mini duet ended up being amazing.  For such little wieners, they both did great.  They remembered the choreography and got the job done.

Nia and Kalani’s routine was insane.  Nailed it.  To a crazy drum beat.

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Side note:  There was also a 20 minute break in programming so we could watch all the ALDC girls get tanked up on sugar and show us how to do a proper Instagram selfie.  It gave me anxiety it was so hyper.  Sleepover Commercials 2.0…

Brynn and Kendall’s duet was not as equally well received, since Ashlee immediately went in for the kill again as soon as it was over.  It was the same conversation as last week, just in different outfits.

And then they all went Bollywood, baby.

nk3Fast forward:  And then it was over.

No time for results this week.  I know you Google that stuff anyway.

Kerri vowed to chillax.  Or at least try.  Ashlee vowed to push every single last one of Jill’s buttons until something bad happens.  Which it will.

Melissa vowed to remain at the studio that’s on the embroidery.  Holly vowed to keep finding new and improved opportunities for her daughter.

Nia vowed to not let those social media haters get her down.

Because, you know…#Motivators.

And that’s it until next time.  Get outta here.

Buh bye, now.

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Dance Moms: Now You See Her…Now You Don’t. The Minis Get Their Moment But Abby Lee Never Saw It Coming.

Friday, January 29th, 2016

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…and I’m already missing 7 acrylic tips. They might be in my bra, but I can’t find that either.

 

 

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Yaaaay! Maddie’s back! I better take a selfie so I remember how amazing my hair looked today.

 

 

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With all the ALDC merchandise she’s selling online, I can’t believe nobody can get us 4 sippy cups.

 

 

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All I know is that if I acted up like some of these ladies, I’d be in Time Out right now. They’re crazy.

 

jess

 

 

 

They said hold it like this so I look like a Real Housewife, but I can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying.

 

 

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Honey, Imma need your Mama to back it up a few feet or you’re gonna do your own makeup.

 

 

a

 

 

You’re the lawyer…you tell me. How do I stop that blog kid from posting my bra picture again?

 

 

 

Ok.

No fancy intros this week.  No time.

Let’s just get right down to Dance Moms bidnezz.

If Abby Lee Miller can barely even acknowledge the Pyramid of Shame this episode, then we can certainly skip right to the good stuff, too.

Like, ummm…maybe that backroom behind the new ALDCLA studios perhaps?

What the what?

post-26182-kristin-wiig-disgusted-animate-htu2You see all that?

As the opening credits finished rolling and the Moms and kids started piling into the building for this week’s assignments, Abby was nowhere to be found.

MIA.  Again.  At least in the clean part of the building, anyway.

Turns out she was just out back in her…whatever that place was supposed to be…talking on the phone to some mystery caller, surrounded by bubble wrap, Whole Foods bags, a fort made out of plastic storage bins and one of those little freshman dorm beds that never fit the sheets you used all through high school.

bed

Eeeew.  Part Hoarders: LA and part August Back-2-School Sale at the Container Store, the whole thing was just so…

wait-what…that I wasn’t sure what to think.  It even seemed kinda funny until you started looking closer at the collection of clutter and then it got kinda…

tumblr_mebyvor9kw1rig27xo1_500_largeSeriously.  So.  Much.  Clutter.

I swear the only thing missing was Abby’s bra.

This one, probably.

ab1Because she wasn’t wearing one.  She even said so.

And her hair was in rollers.  And she was crying.  And there was a grade school map of the whole world on the wall, for some reason.

And Abby Lee Miller was not wearing a bra, for those of you who missed it the first time.

No bra.  No support system.  Nothing.  None.  Zip.  Nada.

As Abby finished up with her mystery caller, everyone else was out in the main studio welcoming Maddie back into their ranks.  She was home!  Fresh from her first movie role, Maddie had finally returned to the ALDCLA with Hollywood stories and celebrity gossip, an upcoming Seventeen Magazine photo shoot and what seemed like slightly darker hair.

But maybe that was just me.

Everyone was going nuts.

Especially my MomCrush Jill, who kept flipping her new hair all around like this…

beyonce-hair-flip.jpg…and this…

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…while plotting how to send the Mini Moms into the backroom to deal with Abby.

Freshman Hazing: Dance Moms Style.

After hearing Abby scream, everyone knew she was on the property somewhere, so it was only fitting that the new Moms get tossed into the Lion’s Den to drag out the carcass.

Kerri (…who still insists on pronouncing her daughter Peyton‘s name with that dramatic pause between PAY and TON…) headed into the bowels of the building with a few other Moms in search of their new leader, but squealed right back out as soon as she realized that Abby wasn’t wearing a bra.

kerriWe should probably give her a moment.  She was clearly traumatized.

Melissa and Jill didn’t do much better when they headed in after Abby, either.  It was loud.

Really loud.  Abby literally screamed at them so hard they almost knocked over that Makeup Lady we met last week, who was just trying to take her blood pressure medicine as they raced back to the safety of the front studio.

Needless to say, with all that adrenaline pumping, it was only a matter of mili-seconds before Jill and Brynn‘s Mom Ashlee went at it again.  Just like last week.

Except that this time we only saw the back of Jill’s new hair while she was swearing and taking off out the back door with Melissa.  Nobody had to blur out her mouth like they do on Mob Wives when they accuse each other of being passive-aggressive snitches.

You don’t mess with the (Vertes) Family, yo.  You just don’t.

jj (1)

The screaming was short-lived, tho, because as soon as Jill and Melissa swung the back door open, they hit Sergio and James from Seventeen Magazine in the head (…knocking Sergio’s hat backwards, BTW…) who were both lurking in the alley behind the ALDCLA for some reason.

I didn’t ask.  I’m not a photographer, so I don’t know how the creative process works.

Sergio was very excited to shoot Maddie for the February issue, as was James, who had decided they should come out to the studio two hours early and stand by the gas meters to figure out which other girls should be included in the photo spread.

Side note:  You ever watch Vanderpump Rules on Bravo?  That show where the restaurant staff spends more time in the back alley smoking cigarettes and talking smack about each other than they do actually serving food?  It was like that.

Well, not the smoking part.  Smoking is bad for you, kids.  Just like fighting with Jill is…

Everyone went back inside to choose which two girls would be included in Maddie’s photo shoot.  And it was as awesome as you’d imagine it would be when you pit a bunch of Dance Moms against each other for a spot in a national fashion magazine.

Holly made this #HollyFace and you already knew that Nia was guaranteed a spot.

h

She gets it from her Mama, don’t you know.  Game over.

And You Can Quote Me Dept:  Holly will be the new Oprah somebody.

Ashlee went on and on about how Brynn was a new dancer and model and astronaut and could name all the United States Presidents in both chronological order and alphabetically.

asKerri was still so traumatized by seeing Abby without a bra on that she didn’t even bother trying to pimp out her kid for this gig.  Maybe next time, thanks.

nm2And then it all came down to Nia and Kendall being asked to join Maddie in the magazine.

Congratulations!

Side note:  Look at how cute Brynn is.  What a niblet.  No wonder she models.  It’s like she just saw the Willy Wonka machine that turns rivers into Hershey’s ice cream syrup.

br

Before heading back out into the alley, Sergio and James unveiled the Pyramid, but they did it so fast that I never even saw it.  Did you?

Did anybody?  Not sure what that was all about.  Maybe we’ll find out the results in the Director’s Cut DVD box set later this year.

I think I forgot to mention that Abby eventually found some undergarments and made her way out into the studio.  Because she did.

This week, the group routine was entitled ‘The Elite.’  The new Minis would also be performing for the first time, with a number called ‘The Spotlight Is On Me.’  

And Maddie and Brynn both scored solos.

Spoiler Alert:  Competitive Moms, maybe?

And then Abby put on a QVC Quacker Factory Halloween top with glitter ghosts on it that said something about ‘Boos’ because I don’t know why.

This show.  I swear.  Season 7 or else…

Mmmkay?

giphy

As Melissa, Holly, Jill and their respective kids all headed to the Seventeen Magazine shoot, Jessalynn was left behind with nobody in the bleacher seats to talk to except Ashlee.  So they had to talk to each other.

They discussed being a Team Player.  Not being a Team Player.  Who has issues.  Who doesn’t have issues.

And then Ashlee said Jill was going through menopause.

tumblr_nk6lp22lJU1re3x32o1_500This isn’t gonna end well.

As Jessalynn grabbed her cell phone to spread some juicy gossip, the other Moms were across town at the photo shoot having a blast.

Holly was busting at the seams with excitement and pride for Nia’s success.  Jill was trying to push Kendall out of the makeup chair so she could slide right in and get contoured by a celebrity stylist.

And Melissa was trying to figure out the snacks on the craft services table.

mSrsly.  I love Melissa so much, but I don’t think she knows how to open a Capri Sun.  Is that what that is?  Or are those Gummy Bears?  I didn’t take a very clear screen shot.

Either way.  Hilarious.

Remember when Melissa tried to use an iPad with those enormous French Tips back when they were all trying to find a man for Abby and went on some creepy dating site?

Or when she used to work the front desk at the ALDC in Pittsburgh?

large

I swear she’s gonna poke her own eye out some day if she’s not careful.

When Jill found out that the makeup guy had put lipstick on Victoria Beckham one time, she almost burst whatever that vein is in your neck that’s connected to the part of your brain that does anything logical.

True Fact:  The guy in that picture at the top of this recap isn’t actually doing Kendall’s nails.  He’s putting chloroform on that rag and was 30 seconds away from putting it over Jill’s mouth when security stepped in and made Mrs. Vertes go help Melissa get her juice box open.

I’m not even making that part up either.  I swear.

I love this show.  #NoShame.

Moral Of The Story:  The shoot was awesome.  The girls looked amazing.  And the magazine is out now.  So scoot to CVS tomorrow and pick up a copy or two.

gallery-1452024647-dancemomsFinally it was Showtime!

And time for Abby to go Rogue.

Dat’s rite.  Somewhere between the commercial for Pitch Slapped and those 9 year old Genius Kids who are already way nerdier and smarter than you’ll ever be, Abby Lee Miller disappeared for the rest of the episode.  Again.

Vanished without a trace.  No clues.  No note.  Not even a bra on the backroom floor.

A bra like this one, maybe.

ab1

I think she eventually sent somebody an email that she was resigning.

But I don’t think you can actually resign from your own company or Life, so I don’t think it really counts for much.

Full Disclosure:  Clearly, we may have skipped over a few scenes because I wasted too much time making fun of Melissa’s nails and looking for just the right Justin Bieber hair whip (…like maybe when Jill said that Ashlee’s boob job was so tight that it was squishing brain…which made no sense whatsoever, BTW…) but you get the idea.

You might wanna check out a more reliable blog if you actually want a recap.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how great Gianna is with those little Minis.  From rehearsals to backstage to probably taking them to tinkle when they’re already taped into a sparkly onesie, Gia is the perfect babysitter.

gOr Mom, maybe.  No pressure on her boyfriend if she’s dating anyone, of course.

Maddie’s James Bond Gold Finger solo was great.  Being in her first movie seemed to have stretched out her legs another 6 inches.  Or maybe that was just me, again.

Brynn’s routine was also great.  Plus she got a really nice pep talk from Kalani before she went on stage.  You can tell that Kalani is all about her new Big Sister role now.

Backstage, on the other hand, things didn’t go as smoothly.

Jessalynn and Ashlee and Melissa and Jill went a few more rounds on whose kid was better than whose kid and then Ashlee started throwing out dance terms and asking if Maddie could even do a Scorpion sumthin sumthin after sumthin else.

Totally lost me on that part.

Q.  Remember when the biggest issue on stage for these kids used to be whether they could all keep their hats on for 3 minutes?
partyA.  They usually couldn’t.

(Shout Out to the Original Recipe Minis!)

Jessalynn was not having any of this by the time Ashlee started wailing on JoJo.  Leave her kid out of this mess, please.

Here’s what Jessalynn looked like right before she got all ‘Someone Better Watch My Purse Because Imma ‘Bout To Take Off My Shoes And Hurt Somebody’:jdbThey were all rolling around in the back so much that they almost forgot to get the kids on stage for the group numbers.

The Minis did really well for their first evah ALDCLA dance.  They looked like they had a really fun time and everyone seemed to remember the choreography.

I couldn’t find a good clip of their routine, so here’s me at the club last weekend:

604_The_Spotlight_1When the full-size girls went out on stage after just seeing the Minis in action, the tweeny bop junior team looked like they were about 27 years old.  It was freaky.

But they nailed it.

After all the dust and glitter settled, Brynn took Fourth Place.  Maddie only received enough points for Second Place.  The Minis took home a Second Place trophy and some grape juice that Melissa swiped from the photo shoot when no one was looking.

And the ALDC Big Girls won First Place!!!

ash

And then it was over.

After a few more round of Mom vs. Mom, I mean.

And then it was really over.  I thought.

Until next week, that is, when Gianna said they were all dancing together.  All of ’em.

Big and Little and Mini and anyone else who happens to drop by the ALDC Coral for a hoe down.  You know there’s always parking in the front if you want to swing by and try to get in on the action.

And then Ashlee pulled one last AshleeMove and Melissa stormed off, dragging and clunking her luggage into the door frame like she did in Season One when she tried to carry all those trophies at once.  Remember that?

But it’s really over now.  I swear.

Go buy Seventeen Magazine.

See you next time!

kk1


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