Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.Wednesday, August 19th, 2015
Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.
I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.
Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.
Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.
My a** she’s 45.
No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.
They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?
Family Reunions are exhausting. Truly.
Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert: and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.
Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.
But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.
Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet. And they even did it in fancy clothes.
After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time. Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…
Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.
Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.
Pretty hurts. Trust me.
Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.
Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts. Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun. And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone. You see that thing?
Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.
Two hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel. Where else did it come from? That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.
Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.
She’s coming to set! She’s just sitting in the chair! She’s got papers!
She’s got explosives!
Side note: Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV? Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble. Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.
Q. How do you like the recap so far, Quad?
Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.
Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe. Not gonna lie. Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on. Was it just me?
They looked to their right together.
The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed? Orchestrated? Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything. Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling? Is that how we do?
Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.
1. This is Jake from State Farm. Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?
2. This is Frank from Nationals. Why isn’t he drunk yet?
Abby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter. Busted, lady.
Moral of the Story: Jake fixes claims. Frank doesn’t fix anything. And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.
Next question: Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?
Answer: There was no answer. But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing. At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.
(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)
Seriously. Check the Instant Replay. 42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress. Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.
Thanks for playing. If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic. Buh bye. Wait. What?
Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff. The girls looked good, though. They’re getting so big.
Next topic: The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood. Which is kinda sorta true.
We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits. We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.
If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook. My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.
Side note: I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness. Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone. You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.
And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now. First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.
Worst. KissCam. Ever.
You remember that one. That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.
And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time. You just know it.
But I promised I would not post that photo again this season. People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42. So I won’t.
Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over. Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway. Same diff.
Plus, Holly loves this gif. So please do enjoy.
Previously unseen footage from that day in question:
Jess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.
Finally. Dance Math I can understand.
Side note: Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.” Just needed to be pointed out.
And how about these guns, yo?
True Fact: I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was. Because she and I are so tight, you know.
Yes, we’re besties. But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class. Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.
And Mama hates waiting around. Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.
We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.
Here’s a thought: If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.
Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set. He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.
Am I lying? I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.
Side note: Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.
Yaaaaaas, Gawd. #SLAY.
Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.Fiyah.
Side note: Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen. Bad memories, I guess. And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?
Watch him Whip. Watch him Nene. Or not.
Dat’s rite. After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose. Just like on Ellen or something.
I know Jill was excited to see him. You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap? Don’t stick your foot in that. Just saying.
We love David. He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.
He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry. Am I right? Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?
Abby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone. That was strange. But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes. Congratulations to the happy couple.
These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho. You can just tell.
Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.
We’re just taking a break. Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.
Season 5 is in the can. We made it through another one. And it’s been a blast.
And that calls for a celebration.
Nia. Sing us outta here, willya?
See you guys next season!