Trust me, girlfriend. You do not want me to get all gangsta on your a** and start Googling s***!
Keep it up, Bitch and I’ll max out your credit cards so fast they’ll never let you back in Target.
I said Sasha got this under control. I just need to know where my three backup dancers be at…
Really. What if my face sticks like this and then I can never close my mouth again? Arrested?
I’ve never actually watched this show before. Have these ladies always been this crazy? Shoot.
No. Srsly, Barbie. She’s not turning around until you stuff those things back in your dress.
Help, Ethel! This loaf of bread is almost as long as one of JoJo’s stories! Waaah!
Turn Up The Track, yo.
And then maybe dial down the Mama Drama a bit if you could.
Cuz that would be great. Saying goodbye is hard enough without all this screaming and swearing going on in the background. Especially all the swearing.
That’s just nasty. And with the kids still in the room.
But that’s exactly what happened this week when the Dance Moms started packing up all their leotards, cold shoulder tops and dreams of stardom and got ready to bid adieu to California and head back to the Reality they call Pittsburgh.
Say Goodbye to Hollywood, e’rrybody. Part Deux.
As you’ll recall, when we last saw our heroes and heroines (…same Bat Time, same Bat S*** Crazy Channel…) they were all in the midst of filming MattyB‘s Whitest Boy To Ever Rap In A 1950s Doo Wop Diner music video.
(True Fact: That was the actual working title before someone decided to cut it down to “Turn Up The Track” so it wouldn’t eat up so many characters on Twitter.)
The More You Know, kids.
The girls were still dressed in their pink waitress uniforms. MattyB’s hair was still perfect and he still had his feet on the same diner counter where people eat their dinner.
(Relax. The little squirt is so squeaky clean that it’s probably impossible for germs to even adhere to his body. It’s MattyB’s World, you know. We just live in it.)
And most importantly, Abby Lee Miller was still freaking out that Melissa had signed away Mackenzie‘s college tuition by allowing her daughter to perform in the video without top billing and a backstage rider of dressing room demands.
Because Mackenzie isn’t Mackenzie anymore, you know. She’s pop star MackZ.
The biggest pop star in the universe, apparently. At least that was the impression Abby gave everyone as she tried to get MattyB’s DaddyB to void the contract and give MackZ a trailer stocked with room temperature Perrier and a bowl of hand-sorted green M&Ms.
Because she’s a pop star now. Just like Lady Gaga. Which I guess explains why Lady Gaga is making the switch to Tony Bennet swing standards and Sound of Music medleys.
Clearly there isn’t room at the top of the charts for more than one Diva. I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Mariah.
Abby threatened to pull MackZ. And then she threatened to pull Maddie, who wasn’t even legit in the video to start with, BTW. But she’s all Famous Amos now, too.
Side note for all the Maddie Fans out there: You might as well leave now and beat traffic, because for the second week in a row your girl didn’t do anything for an entire episode except stand there wearing red lip stick. I swear. Phoned it in again.
With two Zieglers out of the picture, the whole thing quickly escalated into a heated discussion on integrity, character and honoring your commitments. The rest of the girls and their Moms had all agreed to help out MattyB (…whose freakin’ social media hits probably jumped from One Billion to Two Billions at some point during the arguing just because they kept saying his damn name…) and they weren’t walking off the job.
That’s why they call it Honoring Your Commitments. Duh.
Except for my MomCrush Jill, who sided with Melissa and Abby and pulled Kendall from the video as well. She’s still my MomCrush, tho. And honestly, at this point I’m more concerned that she was overlooked again for Season 20 of Dancing With The Stars.
Oh. And I lied. Maddie did have one line. She told her Mom that she had just ruined the whole day. Normally, I don’t condone mouthing off to your Mama for any reason, but it was subtitled like Honey Boo Boo Child and that always makes me laugh.
Just don’t make a habit of it, sweetie.
Sarah R (…who is now just plain Sarah…) stayed for the video shoot, along with Nia, Brynn and JoJo. The New Moms stood united with Holly.
Spoiler Alert: Get the kids out of the room before Brynn’s Mom Ashlee puts on her spanx and pink micro dress at the competition. Trust me. Just do it.
The next day, Holly and Nia shared a Mother/Daughter Moment in the Enterprise rental as they drove to the studio. Dr. Beyoncé knew that they would catch some attitude from Abby after participating in MattyB’s video, but it was important that Nia learn the importance of holding your head high and sticking to what you believe is right.
Which I guess is more important than the fact that you just parked in a spot clearly designated for customers of the local dry cleaner.
Seriously. Did anyone else see that? Now you know I love me some Holly. L to the O to the V to the E. But how did she miss that giant yellow cement thing that had ‘cleaners’ stenciled on it? Was it just me? It’s not like it was raining and she just got her hair did.
Because then it would be ok. Cuz, you know…you just got your hair did.
Inside, Abby definitely copped some ‘tude with Holly and the rest of the video Moms. But Holly wasn’t engaging in negativity today. She just scratched her nose like you used to do in grade school when you wanted to flip somebody off but pretended to just scratch your nose. Again…L to the O to the V to the E.
I’m quite enjoying this protective, rebellious Holly. The new and improved 2015 model.
Then it was actually back to the ‘Dance’ part of Dance Moms.
MackZ and JoJo rehearsed their I Love Lucy routine. MackZ seemed to have her act together, considering that she was in two group routines and a duet this week. But she’s a pop star now, you know, so…
JoJo on the other hand, was straight up Lucy Ricardo, bumping into things and going in the wrong direction like she was coming down the stairs in a giant showgirl headpiece or something. (Remember that episode? Hilarious.) JoJo clearly had some ‘splaining to do by the time Gianna and her big choreographer’s scarf came over to fix that hot mess.
Abby told JoJo to make sure she checked out TV Land so she might better understand the whole Lucy phenom, but the little tyke had already had done so and proved it by reciting (…in its entirety…word for word…for word…) the episode when Lucy and Ethel baked that gigantic loaf of bread.
And the bread kept expanding. And expanding. And expanding. And the bread pushed her all the way to the other side of the kitchen. And then it kept expanding. And then it kept expanding. And expanding. And expanding. And expanding.
And my bow is so tight I don’t even know where I am right now.
Abby’s face, tho.
Kalani and Sarah were up next with their Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding Olympic smackdown duet. If you’ve forgotten the actual attack video, or are too young to even know what I’m talking about, you totally need to Google it right now.
Because it’s a youtube classic.
And it’s also exactly how I act every Monday morning when I realize that the weekend is over and I really have to go back to work.
Picture it. Me. Laying on the floor. Snacks everywhere. Crying. Whyyyy? Whyyyy?
Somewhere around this point was also when Kira and Tracey began their descent into madness. They hate each other. Like OMG totes hate each other. And they can fling mud like two hungry pigs in the back of a barnyard once you poke ‘em.
Side note: It’s probably too late to get the kids out of the room on such short notice, so I apologize for what just happened. I had no idea that Kira was going to show up wearing skintight pleather leggings and hooker stilettos. Because she did.
I also had no idea that she was now part of whatever musical touring company that is that does the show where the ladies all wear fishnets or pleather leggings and top hats and sit backwards on bar chairs.
Kira just cracks me up. We like her a whole bunch, even though sometimes she tries too hard to be the new Kristie Ray. Which. Is. Impossible.
(Shout out to Asia‘s Mom. Miss you. Muah!)
Tracey got nasty and blurted out that Kira doesn’t even have custody of her own son, which was somehow supposed to relate to Kalani’s place on the ALDC. Somehow.
Boom went the dynamite.
Don’t you DARE bring Jax (…the son…) into this! Don’t you DARE bring Jax into this!
One. Not cool, Tracey. Not cool at all. Family is off limits. Especially kids.
Two. If you don’t want your son brought into the argument, you probably shouldn’t keep saying his name 50 times like you were ’bout to cut a bitch on VH1.
And then the bread kept expanding. And expanding. And expanding. And expanding.
Finally, it was Showtime. And Ashlee’s pink dress time. When did this show go all 3D?
You might wanna hike the top of that thing up a little honey, because it looks like you’re running with scissors. And with kids in the room, I tell you.
As the girls got into their respective duet costumes, Holly pulled up a front row seat for the Tracey and Kira Floor Show as the two ladies completely lost their noodles backstage.
You wanna go there? You don’t wanna go there. Back and forth. Back and forth. The bread kept expanding and expanding until Tracey suddenly went from Bake Sale Mom to Bad Girls Club and got all OhNoYouDin’t with a finger wave and one of those MmmHmm head circles and two snaps in a Z formation screaming about Kira’s arrest record.
Everyone started Googling police reports and TMZ videos and Smoking Gun mug shot pics on their cell phones and screaming about how Kira had a prior arrest for credit card fraud. No way. Yes way. Arrested. Credit card fraud. No way. Yes way.
And then Jill’s gum fell out of her mouth.
You really need to watch that scene a few times, paying special attention to Jill’s mouth and Holly’s entire HollyFace.
Holly doesn’t smoke (…and you shouldn’t either, kids…) but if she did you know she would’ve put her MattyB feet right up on that makeup table, lit up a Virginia Slim and watched the two of them go at it like it was the freakin’ Superbowl.
L to the O…etc…
I don’t even remember how the argument ended, but it was probably when someone realized that the kids needed to be on stage five minutes ago and everyone scooted to their seats in the auditorium.
Arrested? Close your mouth, Jill. You’re catching flies.
Nancy and Tonya beat each other up on stage to the delight of everyone in the audience, with no real goobers or debilitating metal batons in the routine.
Lucy and Ethel started out ok, but then their music shut off. Again. Right in the middle of their dance. Seriously? Can somebody please teach Abby how to properly burn a CD or tell the judges to stop stepping on the iPod cords under the table every week?
How does this keep happening?
Backstage after all that silent movie drama, Abby asked JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn if she had even noticed that her daughter was facing backwards through most of the choreography.
She had not. Which Abby couldn’t believe, given the fact that Jessalynn is a dance teacher. I don’t remember if I even knew that or not, but I certainly reacted like I had never heard it before. Jessalynn? Dancing?
And just so we’re clear: Abby doesn’t tolerate mistakes, even though 92% of the CDs she hands in for competitions are 100% blank.
The Sad Clown group number was up next. This is the routine that my MomCrush felt got all of Abby’s attention this week, even though most of the participants were not legal tender ALDC members. She felt that the original team was neglected.
I felt that the buttons on the clown costumes looked like those candy dots you peel off wax paper. But super-sized. Which would be awesome.
And then Nia hit the stage with her backup dancers. Because that’s exactly what happened. Miss Thang owned that numbah.
Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soir.
Yaaaaaaasss, hunty! Give me Moulin Rouge Face! Yaaaaaaasss! Yaaaaaaasss!
I know, right? If everyone from Grey’s Anatomy can can cross over to other hospital shows, I don’t understand why Sasha Nia isn’t Death Dropping on Bring It! right now.
Why isn’t this a thing yet? Lawd, my girl can Buck.
As Kira (…allegedly…) filled out a couple online applications for new black Amex Cards, the awards were handed out. And that’s when it just got ugly.
Lucy and Ethel only pulled a Fourth Place. Some random team snagged First Place with a routine entitled ‘Thrift Shop,‘ which I was bummed we didn’t get to see since I really like that song.
If you check the score sheets and do the math, that meant that Nancy and Tonya didn’t even place. Because violence is never the answer, kids.
In the group category, (un)lucky Fourth Place again went to the ALDC for their Sad Clowns. Despite the fact that the emcee was exceptionally excited and highly caffeinated, the Moulin Rouge number didn’t even place. Nothing. Nada.
That’s two no-shows in one competition, if you’re counting.
Backstage, everything went exactly as you’d expect it to go when the ALDC doesn’t win.
Hint: Not good.
Abby realized that the girls were not ready to compete in Hollywood yet. They needed to go back to Pittsburgh and regroup. But not everyone.
I got a little concerned at first when Abby made it sound like anyone not going back to PA was going to be left in the lobby to die, but it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that.
Unfortunately, Sarah and her Mom were suddenly too old for the team and were sent home. It was sad to see them go, especially since poor Sarah still had that pouty clown face thing happening, but it was also awkwardly hilarious the way Abby made them immediately grab their suitcases and exit the building like she was Donald Trump kicking Vivica Fox off Celebrity Apprentice.
I’m pretty sure the two of them either got into a waiting yellow cab for their exit interview or just took off in Holly’s rental which you know was probably parked in a handicap spot.
Kidding. Kidding. We heart Holly. And she would never do that. That’s so wrong.
The rest of the girls made cuts by the skin of their teeth. They were safe.
For now, anyway.
Despite the drama, the girls still learned a valuable lesson about integrity and commitment and how doing what’s right is a better reward than some shiny trophy.
As the splintered ALDC team gathered up all their toys and got ready to go home, Abby left all the remaining Moms with one piece of advice: Don’t do to your kids what Christi did to hers. Which was a little odd, considering that Chloe is making a name for herself at another studio now, traveling the world and rapidly gaining on MattyB’s Three Billion social media hits. It’s not like she’s panhandling in front of Dunkin Donuts somewhere.
So it’s back to Pittsburgh now.
See you there, suckahs.
PS…Don’t forget Nia’s new song comes out next Tuesday.
If you’re looking for more backup dancers, you know where to find me, Boo.
Love you. Mean it.
Buy bye, Hollywood.