Posts Tagged ‘Gianna Martello’

Dance Moms: Sorry, Sheriff. This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Two Maddies. It’s A Showdown At The Jersey Corral.

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

nia

 

 

I’m looking at you with my It’s Been A Week And You Still Haven’t Downloaded My Single Side Eye.

 

 

g

 

 

Am I the only one who sees Godzilla busting through the wall behind me? What is this place?

 

 

bow

 

 

OMG! It’s me again! It’s like I just follow the ALDC tour bus around and scream my brains out!!!

 

 

rhoa

 

 

I said you’re falling out of your damn dress and the Candy Apples are gonna win the whole thing.

 

v1

 

 

 

Don’t turn around, but how the hell did Vivi-Anne get that underwear model for a babysitter?

 

l

 

 

 

Girl, you do NOT want me to put my phone down and lift my leg up right here in the hallway.

 

j

 

 

 

Honestly, I just wanna take off these heels and have a beer that’s about this big right now.

 

 

 

Attention.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Don’t make me get my bullhorn.  Because I will.

No time for witty intros.  The Candy Apples are back.  And it’s a long one, so let’s do this.

Still trying to regroup after The Great Hollywood Divide, the Dance Moms gang headed into their second week back home with some snappy new Pittsburgh Galleria threads for the Moms and shiny leotards for the girls that were straight out of the Wizard of Oz.

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Let’s keep it real.  When it comes to marketing her brand, Abby Lee Miller makes my head hurt.  From what I can tell, the official ALDC colors are black and white and that hot pinkish whatever it is color.  At least that’s what’s on all the banners and painted on the walls.  And when they randomly choose to wear their track suits (…shouldn’t that be a requirement when you come off the bus?..) they’re made from the same color swatches.

So when the girls all bounced in for the Pyramid of Shame looking like they had just finished re-stuffing the Scarecrow down at the Emerald City Day Spa,  I didn’t know what to think.  Was it just me?

Buff Buff Here.  Stuff Stuff Here.

I mean, even Abby’s newly down-sized, over-sized logo top was emerald green.

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Don’t get me wrong.  It was a nice color.  Like those LLBean fleece zip-ups that everyone wears on Sunday at Whole Foods.  And, honestly, it was probably pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.  But it confused me.  Like if the New England Patriots suddenly came running out onto the field in new colors.

Which would be so wrong on so many levels.

Because.  I mean.  Red, White and Blue.  You don’t mess with it.

‘Merica.  We salute you.  Now back to our story.

Bottom of the Pyramid was anchored down by Nia, Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and MackZ.  The mezzanine level was home to Kendall and Maddie, which left just enough room at the top for Kalani.

Oh.  And tiny Brynn Rumfallo was back in the lineup.  She’s very excited to be here, thank you.  She’s Abby’s latest recruit and looks exactly like the Tinker Bell cartoon you see on cups and plates about halfway down the girl aisle at Party City.

Which reminds me:  Happy Birthday, Kendall!  Everybody clapped and wondered why there was no cake.  There should always be cake.  Always.  I hope this new and improved Abby Lee Miller doesn’t mean we’re cutting back on the pastries.

This week, the crew was headed to Wayne, NJ for another Sheer Talent competition.

Maddie and Brynn scored solos.  Everyone clapped, but not as enthusiastically as they did when they thought there would be cake.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Maddie had a reputation now.  Her Sia video was nominated for FOUR Grammys!  Count ’em…FOUR!  We’re going to the Grammys!

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Hilariously, Maddie was quick to point out that OMG she was “so not going to the Grammys WITH Abby,” which I assumed meant that she would be driving herself to the Staples Center.  I didn’t realize she was old enough to have a license, but then again I’ve never actually seen any of the Ziegler’s birth certificates, so who knows.

But she’s not going with Abby, that’s fo’ sho.

The group routine was entitled ‘Dance In The Rain’ and was a typically subliminal Abby mash-up about waiting for meteorological (…and choreographical…) storms to pass.

Since MackZ (…yes, I believe she’s still on this show if I’m not mistaken…) and Nia had previously both won national titles in Las Vegas (…you go, Sasha!  First One!…) part of their responsibilities as crown holders was to dig out their old Toddlers & Tiaras sashes and hand out trophies on stage this weekend.  Exciting, right?  How fun.

Upon hearing that news, Nia was quite excited.  Who wouldn’t be?  But apparently she was not excited enough to bust out a handstand into a backward somersault ending in a signature Death Drop followed by a Times Square balloon drop and a confetti popper, which irked Abby so much so that she got all up in Nia’s grill about her lack of enthusiasm.

What?  Oh, sorry.  I was too busy climbing the iTunes charts with my new single.  What did you just say, Miss Abby?  Snap.  And another snap.  In a ‘Z’ formation.

Srsly.  Even when Nia is just looking both ways before crossing the street on her way to school, she has THE best Side Eye ever.  The.  Best.

And don’t forget to buy her single.  Like right now.  Right here.

Holly and I both finally blew a nutty with all this never ending NiaNeedling.

Enough.  Enough.

hf

And enough.

Insert random shots of Melissa nodding and agreeing and twitching a little here: _____.

Holly didn’t regret any of the decisions she made when the team was in California.  Not the recording studio.  Not the music video.  And she shouldn’t.  Because she did it for her daughter.  And that’s what a Mom does.

Side note:  If anyone is asking, that blowout haircut right up there is one of my favorite HollyLooks.  I think she’s singing one of the songs from Dreamgirls, actually.  And if you’re not asking, I just told you anyways.

As everyone got down to business, we scooted over to Ohio for a few minutes, to check in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples.  Long time no see, folks.

This week, Cathy had lured choreographer Erin Babbs back up to Canton.  Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave all the glitz and glamor of sunny Los Angeles and spend a week trapped in a dance studio that’s attached to a place that sells homemade turkey jerky via local cable access infomercials?

I miss Chloe.  And her mini-Gaga Meat Dress.  Those were good times.

Erin, who we last saw giving the ALDC a beatdown in Hollywood, appeared more than happy to bring her expensive sunglasses and fancy choreography to Ohio if it meant humiliating Abby Lee Miller one more time.

Side note:  How much do we love Lady Killer Lucas Triana and those patootie Morales kids?  So precocious.  And how about all that Twitter drama with their respective Mamas?

Lawd.  I can’t even.

Gurrrrrl…you just need to Google it, because if I get started we’ll never see the end of this episode.  But trust me.  It’s Hair Salon juicy, so pull up a dryer and let’s dish.

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I love me some Lucas, except when he gets a little mouthy.  Such a playa.  He’s been my idol ever since the Dance Moms: Miami days when his head was too big for his body.

Remember when he swore at my boy Gavin and made him cry last season?  That wasn’t cool.  Not cool at all.  Because Gavin’s my boy and he has one of the best WTF face I’ve ever seen.  Who you callin’ a bitch, Bitch?

It was almost worth it just to see Mama Joanne Morales lose her nutty, though.  Almost.

Lucas just needs to know when to adjust the dial, because MiamiCute isn’t always gonna fly once you hit puberty.  Uncle Dan’s just trying to help, Cowboy.  That’s all.

Spoiler Alert:  The second trip back to Ohio wasn’t any better.  Cathy felt Lucas was acting squirrelly.  His Mom Brigette was starting to lose interest in the whole Ohio situation.  And Joanne kept phutzing with her long bangs and buzzed side of her hairdo.

Full disclosure:  I can’t remember the other two Moms’ names.  My bad.  I’m sure they’re very nice, but they were too scared to talk around Brigette and Joanne so they probably should have just gone next door and picked up some nice officially licensed Ohio Hickory Farms souvenirs while the kids were jumping around.

Jerky.  The Canton gift that keeps on giving.

Back in PA, the girls were rehearsing their brains out while the Moms finished unpacking the rest of their emotional baggage from the Hollywood trip.  Brynn’s Mom Ashlee was still blindly basking in the glow of the ALDC Honeymoon Phase, so he had no idea what to expect.  Blissfully oblivious I think they call it.

My MomCrush Jill wanted Holly to clear the air with Abby (…good luck with that, BTW…) and JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was remarkably normal for the second week in a row.

Gotta admit.  Jessalynn’s starting to grow on me faster than her daughter’s roots are coming in.  She makes some really funny faces.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point again.  Nothing too crazy this week.  Her focus was clearly on setting up Kendall’s BDay party and planning a trip to Boston so we can go shopping.  Hint:  Macy’s is having another One Day Sale this weekend.  With a preview day on Friday.  And I’ve got a coupon.  Just saying.

The Moms weren’t quite as divided as last week, but you could still cut the tension with a knife.  If you wanted to pull it out of Holly’s back, I mean.  Dr. Beyoncé still didn’t feel that the other ladies were behind her 100% and it’s a discussion that will clearly drag on for a few more weeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Side note:  Busted.

We already know that Lifetime is notorious for recycling little snippets of video and going completely hot mess on their continuity if they find leftover B-Roll in a drawer.  Don’t even get me started on that one.  I watched last week’s Bring It! two times before I even realized that it was a new episode.

But this time?  That same little hyper spaz girl with the hair bow going completely hyper spaz in her hair bow when the bus pulled up to the curb?

Busted.

Unless the lady behind her with the Canon SureShot is a math tutor and they legitimately pulled this peanut out of school so they can follow the ALDC bus around the country like two Aerosmith groupies, that’s the same footage from whenever that kid was on this show the first time going hyper spaz.

Granted, she is so freakin’ cute that I would be totally ok if they spliced her into every episode for the rest of the series (…it might actually make for some comic relief if she screamed every time Holly made a HollyFace…can you even imagine?  I died a little just thinking about it…) but c’mon, people.

bh

Side note Numero Dos:  If you fire the person who did that editing, I would be more than happy to come work for Lifetime Television and get advance copies of each episode so I can go to bed earlier on Tuesday nights.  Just thinking out loud.  Hook a brother up, guys.

Did I forget to mention that Cathy came stomping into the venue with a bullhorn?  Because she did.  And it was loud.  And childish.  And loud.  Very loud.

She also bullied some poor girl into taking an iPad selfie with her even though the poor thing was waiting for Abby to come around the corner.

Backstage, in a makeshift Green Room that was even crazier than last week’s makeshift Green Room (…this show is straight up visual overload for somebody like me…) Brigette dropped by to say Hi and then got busted by Cathy for fraternizing with The Enemy.

Somewhere around now was when Lucas rolled his eyes like he was Caroline Manzo on the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two.  You’re Garbage.

Maddie’s solo went like all the other Maddie solos.  Abby was afraid that her training had suffered because she was jet setting around the country pimping out that Sia video and becoming the next Disney IT Girl, but she did just fine.  Because she’s Maddie.

And she won First Place.  Der.

Side note:  What is Melissa always scribbling in those dance programs?  It’s like she’s picking her favorite horse to Win, Place and Show or something.  Anyone know?

Brynn’s solo was equally as well done.  Since Abby specifically imported her from Neverland to become the New Maddie, it was imperative that she dress her in basically the same costume and dim the lights a little so nobody had a clue who was actually on stage.  I think it worked.

For such a tiny little thing, Brynn has some crazy long flexible legs.  She got Second.

bsb

Vivi-Anne sighting:  I almost didin’t recognize her without ice cream.  But there she was, all sniffly and fidgety with her new Calvin Klein model Manny.  You see that dude?  And you know how Abby likes her ManCandy.  They totally edited out the part where Abby dropped her phone behind her seat and had to reach between his legs to find it before it started vibrating.

The phone, I mean.  Don’t be nasty.

The ALDC group dance, despite the MaddieCam focusing on one dancer a little too much, was really well done.  I swear these girls grow taller with every episode.

And then the Candy Apples hit the stage with one seriously whacked out edgy routine.

At first it kinda sorta reminded me of Asia Monet Ray‘s Wizard of Oz dance (…two references in one week?  What are the chances?…) from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition when she wore 47 yards of black garbage bag and almost gave her Mom Kristy Ray an aneurysm.  But then it kinda sorta reminded me of when they have to roll out that baseball field tarp during rain delays.  I couldn’t decide.

Regardless of what I thought, it was basically 4 military parachutes’ worth of fireproof fabric turned into a dress that all the boys had to whip around like they were sending smoke signals to the cheap seats in the back of the auditorium.

Holly had to admit that it was pretty cool, even though all that flapping did mess up her hair a little.  And you know how Mama is about her hair lately.

The ALDC won First Place, which meant that the CADC took Second.

Which meant that straight up chaos erupted in the hallway.  No wonder someone had blocked the exit doors with the same folding metal grates you always see pulled down in front of liquor stores after they close for the night.  You see that?  Is that even Fire Code?

Brigette called out Cathy for…I dunno…being Cathy, I guess.  Joanne got cranky.  Jill screamed something about Tea and Crumpets and I wondered why the Queen of England would even be in Wayne, NJ at this time of year for a dance competition.

mz

Jill stole Cathy’s bullhorn.  Because of course.  Plus, the only thing better than being loud and childish is to add grand larceny into the mix, right?

(In her defense, my MomCrush did admit that she wasn’t proud of her behavior.  But…oh, well.  Too late now, suckahs.)

Cathy fired Lucas from the Candy Apples.  Brigitte told Lucas to go back in and quit, which kind of defeated the purpose of being fired in the first place if you really think about it.  And then Lucas started mad trippin’ in the hallway by the lockers and suddenly morphed from Caroline Manzo into one of the beasts from VH1’s Bad Girls Club, whipping his iPhone around and screaming about how they all treat him like crap.

MmmHmmm.  I hear dat, girlfriend.  Shoot.

I think he even gave Gavin a wedgie and then shoved him in a locker if I’m not mistaken.

That poor GDawg can’t cut a break lately.

In all the excitement, Kira realized that her clingy dress had hiked up too far, but luckily recovered just in time before anyone had to splice in that little girl screaming again.

You catch that?  Yikes.

Then it was over.  I can’t remember if Melissa actually spoke this week.  I know Holly just needed a break after the last few episodes.  Can you blame her?

Abby was laughing and having the time of her life as the credits started to roll.  It was almost creepy she was so happy.  She decided to keep the old Maddie and send the new one back home for who knows how long.  Don’t fret, though.  Nobody ever seems to go away for good on this show.

We even got a quick glimpse of the kids actually being…just kids…as they snatched the bullhorn and ran around backstage.  It was cute.

Jersey was fun, but it was time to go home.

See ya next time.

Buh bye.

hi

Dance Moms: The ALDC Returns To Pittsburgh And Immediately Splits In Half. It’s The Great Dance Mom Divide.

Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

amm

 

 

I know this crazy old lady is not trying to photobomb my selfie now that I got my hair just right.

 

 

hm1

 

 

Excuuuse me, Jill. Gawd forbid anyone else get to rock a cold shoulder top up in here, Hater.

 

 

cs

 

 

 

Bitch, pleez.

 

 

kcs

 

 

 

 

Nice try, ladies. But we have a winner.

 

mj

 

 

 

 

Hold still, Bow Bow. It’s gonna take me about five coats to cover up all these Hello Kitty tattoos.

k1

 

 

 

 

Talk s*** about my kid again and I’ll drop your credit score so low you’ll never get a loan.*

 

nia

 

 

 

You see this Side Eye, sweetie? It’s called My Single Just Dropped On iTunes Side Eye.

 

 

 

(* Allegedly, of course…)

They say you can’t go home again.

That’s what they say, you know.  There’s even a country song about it.

But they’re wrong.  Because you can.  And the Dance Moms gang just did.

After a less than stellar showing during their recent cross country Brady Bunch road trip (…where, if I’m not mistaken, the original plan was for Abby Lee Miller to build an ALDC LA high-rise and takeover the West Coast Dance World, right?…) everyone was suddenly back home in Pennsylvania to regroup and get their shizzle together.

Don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t a complete disaster in Hollywood.  But it’s not like the mayor of Pittsburgh gave them a Superbowl parade when they returned, either.

They won a few.  And lost a few.  And then lost a few more.

Let’s just say they brought back more Rodeo Drive cold shoulder tops than trophies.

Seriously.  Was it just me or was every single person on this show exposing their shoulders this week?  It literally gave me anxiety that I had missed a memo or something.

And shout-out to Kira for taking top prize with that white triple-cut cheese grater number, even though I feel the need to point out that I paid less for a 3pack of long-sleeved GAP tees that got snagged in the washing machine and came out looking exactly like that top.

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But we love KG.  Even if Bank of America doesn’t.

Ouch.  Too soon?

Disclaimer:  They’ll be a lot of credit fraud jokes this week.  All in good fun, of course.  And all alleged, until proven otherwise by the courts or some disgruntled Arizona Dance Mom.

My girl Sasha Nia and Mom Holly were the first to arrive back at the studio, accompanied by their own dramatic Survivor background music.  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

Dr. Beyoncé was on Abby’s short list this week, along with Kira and whacky JoJo‘s even whackier Mom Jessalynn, thanks in part to their participation in the now infamously squeaky clean MattyB music video.  Somewhere along the line, while attempting to teach their daughters a lesson in honoring commitments and actually reading what you are signing before you sign it, they had fallen out of Abby’s good graces.  Go figure.

To make matters even worse, Holly was also still dealing with unresolved issues surrounding Nia’s recording studio work with Aubrey O’Day while the team was in Hollywood.  Abby didn’t appreciate the fact that Holly had reached out to Aubrey and gotten Nia a pretty sweet deal on a new iTunes song that you can easily download right here if you have some cash laying around.

And while we’re on the subject, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I’m still the only one who doesn’t have Aubrey O’Day loaded into their speed dial, because I would totally be hitting that lady up on my Sidekick every day of the week until somehow actually came to my job and physically handed me a restraining order. kv

Anyway.  I digress.

Back to Pittsburgh.  And back to the Pyramid of Shame, where there were clearly more hidden photos than there were girls in the room.  Could it be?  Could Abby have finally received my headshots?

Not gonna lie.  I may have set myself up for disappointment.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Feather Vests and Fur Coats. It was a good week.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was all about Maddie, JoJo, Nia and Kalani, with Kendall and MackZ just above them on the Middle Tier.  And then Maddie was on the top.

Wait.  What?  There are two Maddies now?  This show is crazy pants.

False alarm. There’s only one.  Abby just stuck the same Maddie up there a second time because she couldn’t find the new TV Guide cover with Austin & Ally on it.

Because…you know.  Go, Maddie.  And Disney.

This week the gang was headed to the World-Class Talent Experience in Manahawkin, NJ.  No idea where that town is…and no idea why some competitions consider 12 year olds to be teenagers when the word ‘teen’ is not even in the number.

But this one does for some reason.  And now, according to my calculations, that meant Nia and Kalani just skewed (…and screwed, according to Abby…) the average age of the ALDC and the girls would have to perform in the Teen Category.jj

Now I get it…but I don’t get it, because unless she’s going to actually attempt to stunt their growth through cigarettes and liquor, all those girls will eventually grow up and not be allowed to compete in the Junior Pee Wee Division anymore.

That’s why the call it Growing Up.  And personally, I’m not sure I even want to see some 67 year old woman with a bad hip doing backflips in a bumble bee costume.

So come on.  Time marches on, people.

Kalani, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Kendall’s was a sassy, bluesy mini-Liza with a Z jazz number, while Kalani and Nia’s dances were basically just musical bitch slaps across their own Mom’s faces.

Abby does like her subliminal messages.

Kalani’s solo was called “Pretty Little Liars” because “Sorry Lady But Your Maxxed Out Credit Card With The Three Digit Security Code Scratched Off And Missing Signature Is No Good Here” was too long for the space they give you in the printed program.

Trust me.  Abby is gonna make certain this whole (…alleged, of course…) credit fraud thing dies a slow, painful death.  Like when someone steals your purse and all your credit cards and you have to go renew your license in person at the DMV.

That slow.kn1

You could already tell that Nia’s “The Golden Rule” number didn’t stand a chance, but I wasn’t too worried since you still buy her hot new iTunes single right here if you skimmed the first part of this hilarity and missed the link.

The group routine, ominously entitled “The Domino Effect,” was exactly what it sounded like:  Pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less.

I know, right?  Tell me that wouldn’t have been HIGH-sterical.

Unfortunately, tho, it was about real dominos.  Like the game.  With each one falling and tragically taking down the one next to it and then that one taking down the next one…etc.

Just like the Moms were doing to each other.

Trust me.  It was much more dramatic the way Abby explained it.  Much more.

Tick.  Tick.  And then Boom.

I could totally picture the guy who does Darth Vader‘s voice emotionally performing that little bit of script in some One Man Show.  Not a dry eye in the place.  Bravo!

As the girls began stretching it out downstairs and the Moms began punching it out upstairs, Lifetime decided to traumatize us all by running that damn Born In The Wild commercial again.  The Baby in the Forest thing.

Blur it out all you want, guys.  I still saw it.

So we can keep this thing moving, the gist of the remaining 45 minutes was Holly trying to make the other Moms in the MomPerch understand why she felt so unsupported in all of the decisions she made in Hollywood.  Jill didn’t agree.  At all.hf

Melissa, on the other hand,  just sat there putting on hand lotion.  She does that a lot.

And in an oddly Bizarro World/Opposite Land kind of moment, Jessalynn made the most sense out of anyone in the building.  I swear.

Freaky.

All the Moms will go to the end of the Earth for their kids, but they clearly all have a different route programmed into their internal GPS to get them there.  And it drives Holly Ka-Ray-Zee.  All in Caps.

Basically, the whole thing quickly escalated into The Video Moms vs. The Submissive Moms, which sounds way more like a WWE Grudge Match or pay-per-view hotel porn then I originally intended it to sound now that I proofread the sentence.

But you get my drift.

Holly felt that the Moms who skipped out on the MattyB video were just butt kissing Abby’s newly slenderized badonkadonk.  Jill claimed that she had Holly’s back.  Holly felt she did not.  Personally, I just liked the way My MomCrush Jill’s feather vest flapped all around when she got excited.  It was like Sesame Street Live on Ice.

Which we should totally go see on our first date.

Side note:  Do you think there’s a person in Lifetime’s post-production department whose only job is to find those awesome screen shots of Melissa looking all flustered and then edit them into every scene?

Because somebody has to be doing this.  And I want that job so bad.mz

She always looks like she left the iron on at home or something.  I love her so much.

And then Holly got up and left, probably because she knew they were about to run that Born In The Wild commercial for a second time.  Take me with you.  Please.

With one day to go before New Jersey, Holly returned, explaining that she had just needed to step away from all the madness yesterday for a Moment of Clarity.  Which, coincidentally enough,  just happens to be the name of her recently published book.

Which you can certainly buy right here if you have any babysitting money left over after downloading Nia’s new song right here.

Say what you want about them Frazier Girls…they know how to pimp it out.

Side note:  You’ll have to tell me how Nia’s song is, because I’m saving all my cash for some new HollyHair, which should be available just in time for Holiday gift giving.

Love me them Frazier Girls.

Then the Moms had the same discussion they had the day before, but this time all in casual Back to School denim.  Every one of them.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Did I mention that Abby cut Kalani from the group number?  Because she did.  Now the girls could dance in the Toddler Division again.  And cutting Kira’s kid was a lot cheaper than buying cigarettes and liquor in another state.  New Jersey sales tax is ridiculous.

Third Degree Burn Of The Day Award Goes To:  Abby Lee Miller.

am

Kira: “The group routine is Kalani’s favorite dance.”  Abby:  “Good.  She can watch it.”

Yeeouch.  That’s gonna leave a mark.

Backstage, Abby scooted all the girls out of the room to scope out the venue, which gave all the Moms time to go another round or two.  Kira didn’t feel it was necessary for her to confront Abby about cutting Kalani from the number, mainly because she was still too busy applying Neosporin to all that raw skin.

She couldn’t believe Jill wanted her to fight with Abby so badly.  Jill couldn’t believe that Holly and Bizarro Jessalynn were suddenly BFFs.  And I couldn’t believe how much crap was in that makeshift green room.  Did you notice?

There was a calendar on every wall and enough Post-its and ‘stage manager’ placards to label every theater on 42nd Street.  That place was a fire trap.  And you know how I’m all about Safety First.

Well.  Drama First.  Safety Second.

Maybe Third, if you count Sarcasm.  And being Snarky.

So, yeah.  Fourth.  Safety is always Fourth.

Side note:  Abby wasn’t wearing any of her crazy a** plastic jewelry or her usual matchy matchy goodness.  None of it.

JoJo even stood quietly in the corner doing her practice spins while Jessalynn pointed out that “Mom trumps Manager no matter what.”  And then the Earth spun off its axis.

It truly was Bizarro World this week.

Kalani’s solo was amazeballs.  Abby said she was flawless.

od

Kendall was totally mini-Liza.  I called it.

And then Nia hit the stage and Abby didn’t even watch.

Disclaimer:  In Abby’s defense (…did that sentence even just come out of my mouth?…) Abby immediately took to Twitter and blamed it on editing.  I don’t think it would be the same person who does all of Melissa’s blank stares, so maybe they have somebody in charge of that one, too.  Who knows.  Keep in mind this show is also the show that thinks a 12 year old is a teenager.  Which they’re not.

Because they’re like Tweens.  Duh.  OMG.  Buh-tween this and that.  Der.

I forgot to mention that Abby phutzed around on her cellphone the entire time Nia practiced her solo during the week, so it’s not like she would even know what she was looking at anyway.  So whatever.

Side note:  Did that crazy chick behind Kira have a One Direction iPhone case?  Or was that 5SOS?  Or some new Boy Band du jour?  I can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Side note Numero Dos:  Please tell me that wasn’t Rush Limbaugh behind Abby.

Backstage after the solos, the girls all got their groove on listening to Nia’s new song, which you can totally buy right here.

Side note Numero Tres:  No.  I’m not getting a cut in any iTunes profits.  But I’m also not mailing back any checks that Holly wants to send me.  Haters gonna hate.

mzg

By the time the girls were ready for the group number, we got to see some greasy lady have a baby on a pile of sticky oak leaves for the third time.  Enough with this commercial.

Honestly, at this point I would rather have Freddie Krueger chase me through the backwoods with a chainsaw than come across all that jelly one more time.  Just saying.

The Domino Effect was pretty slick AND was delivered in under 30 minutes, so I guess it was a Win/Win for everyone involved.

Kendall took Fifth Place with her solo.  Kalani swiped her First Place trophy out of the judge’s hands faster than Kira can swipe a Visa through an ATM slot.

(That joke comes with an implied “allegedly, of course…” it just didn’t go with the flow.)

Poor Sasha Nia didn’t even place.  But…you know.  iTunes, suckahs.

Most importantly, the group routine scored First Place and it looked like the ALDC might be getting their mojo back.  Kalani got to dress up in costume and go accept the award with the girls who actually danced the dance, even though Nia and JoJo had previously been banned from doing the exact same thing.

What happened to No Dancey=No Trophy?

Kira swore at Jill.  Jill swore at Kira.  And then it was over.

Time to drop a few babies in the woods.

For a full hour.

What’d you think of that new show, Kira?

k

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part Two. Time For The ALDC To Say Buh Bye To Hollywood.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2015

t1

 

 

Trust me, girlfriend. You do not want me to get all gangsta on your a** and start Googling s***!

 

 

k1

 

 

Keep it up, Bitch and I’ll max out your credit cards so fast they’ll never let you back in Target.

 

 

jv

 

 

 

Wait. What?

 

 

n

 

 

 

I said Sasha got this under control. I just need to know where my three backup dancers be at…

 

 

mj

 

 

Really. What if my face sticks like this and then I can never close my mouth again? Arrested?

 

 

h

 

 

I’ve never actually watched this show before. Have these ladies always been this crazy? Shoot.

 

 

b

 

 

No. Srsly, Barbie. She’s not turning around until you stuff those things back in your dress.

 

 

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Help, Ethel! This loaf of bread is almost as long as one of JoJo’s stories! Waaah!

 

 

 

Turn Up The Track, yo.

And then maybe dial down the Mama Drama a bit if you could.

Cuz that would be great.  Saying goodbye is hard enough without all this screaming and swearing going on in the background.  Especially all the swearing.

That’s just nasty.  And with the kids still in the room.

But that’s exactly what happened this week when the Dance Moms started packing up all their leotards, cold shoulder tops and dreams of stardom and got ready to bid adieu to California and head back to the Reality they call Pittsburgh.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood, e’rrybody.  Part Deux.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our heroes and heroines (…same Bat Time, same Bat S*** Crazy Channel…) they were all in the midst of filming MattyB‘s Whitest Boy To Ever Rap In A 1950s Doo Wop Diner music video.

(True Fact:  That was the actual working title before someone decided to cut it down to “Turn Up The Track” so it wouldn’t eat up so many characters on Twitter.)

The More You Know, kids.

The girls were still dressed in their pink waitress uniforms.  MattyB’s hair was still perfect and he still had his feet on the same diner counter where people eat their dinner.

(Relax.  The little squirt is so squeaky clean that it’s probably impossible for germs to even adhere to his body.  It’s MattyB’s World, you know.  We just live in it.)

mz

And most importantly, Abby Lee Miller was still freaking out that Melissa had signed away Mackenzie‘s college tuition by allowing her daughter to perform in the video without top billing and a backstage rider of dressing room demands.

Because Mackenzie isn’t Mackenzie anymore, you know.  She’s pop star MackZ.

The biggest pop star in the universe, apparently.  At least that was the impression Abby gave everyone as she tried to get MattyB’s DaddyB to void the contract and give MackZ a trailer stocked with room temperature Perrier and a bowl of hand-sorted green M&Ms.

Because she’s a pop star now.  Just like Lady Gaga.  Which I guess explains why Lady Gaga is making the switch to Tony Bennet swing standards and Sound of Music medleys.

Clearly there isn’t room at the top of the charts for more than one Diva.  I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Mariah.  

Abby threatened to pull MackZ.  And then she threatened to pull Maddie, who wasn’t even legit in the video to start with, BTW.  But she’s all Famous Amos now, too.

Side note for all the Maddie Fans out there:  You might as well leave now and beat traffic, because for the second week in a row your girl didn’t do anything for an entire episode except stand there wearing red lip stick.  I swear.  Phoned it in again.

With two Zieglers out of the picture, the whole thing quickly escalated into a heated discussion on integrity, character and honoring your commitments.  The rest of the girls and their Moms had all agreed to help out MattyB (…whose freakin’ social media hits probably jumped from One Billion to Two Billions at some point during the arguing just because they kept saying his damn name…) and they weren’t walking off the job.

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That’s why they call it Honoring Your Commitments.  Duh.

Except for my MomCrush Jill, who sided with Melissa and Abby and pulled Kendall from the video as well.  She’s still my MomCrush, tho.  And honestly, at this point I’m more concerned that she was overlooked again for Season 20 of Dancing With The Stars.

Oh.  And I lied.  Maddie did have one line.  She told her Mom that she had just ruined the whole day.  Normally, I don’t condone mouthing off to your Mama for any reason, but it was subtitled like Honey Boo Boo Child and that always makes me laugh.

Just don’t make a habit of it, sweetie.

Sarah R (…who is now just plain Sarah…) stayed for the video shoot, along with Nia, Brynn and JoJo.  The New Moms stood united with Holly.

Spoiler Alert:  Get the kids out of the room before Brynn’s Mom Ashlee puts on her spanx and pink micro dress at the competition.  Trust me.  Just do it.

The next day, Holly and Nia shared a Mother/Daughter Moment in the Enterprise rental as they drove to the studio.  Dr. Beyoncé knew that they would catch some attitude from Abby after participating in MattyB’s video, but it was important that Nia learn the importance of holding your head high and sticking to what you believe is right.

Which I guess is more important than the fact that you just parked in a spot clearly designated for customers of the local dry cleaner.

Seriously.  Did anyone else see that?  Now you know I love me some Holly.  L to the O to the V to the E.  But how did she miss that giant yellow cement thing that had ‘cleaners’ stenciled on it?  Was it just me?  It’s not like it was raining and she just got her hair did.

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Because then it would be ok.  Cuz, you know…you just got your hair did.

Inside, Abby definitely copped some ‘tude with Holly and the rest of the video Moms.  But Holly wasn’t engaging in negativity today.  She just scratched her nose like you used to do in grade school when you wanted to flip somebody off but pretended to just scratch your nose.  Again…L to the O to the V to the E.

I’m quite enjoying this protective, rebellious Holly.  The new and improved 2015 model.

Then it was actually back to the ‘Dance’ part of Dance Moms.

MackZ and JoJo rehearsed their I Love Lucy routine.  MackZ seemed to have her act together, considering that she was in two group routines and a duet this week.  But she’s a pop star now, you know, so…

JoJo on the other hand, was straight up Lucy Ricardo, bumping into things and going in the wrong direction like she was coming down the stairs in a giant showgirl headpiece or something.  (Remember that episode?  Hilarious.)  JoJo clearly had some ‘splaining to do by the time Gianna and her big choreographer’s scarf came over to fix that hot mess.

Abby told JoJo to make sure she checked out TV Land so she might better understand the whole Lucy phenom, but the little tyke had already had done so and proved it by reciting (…in its entirety…word for word…for word…) the episode when Lucy and Ethel baked that gigantic loaf of bread.

And the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And the bread pushed her all the way to the other side of the kitchen.  And then it kept expanding.  And then it kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

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And my bow is so tight I don’t even know where I am right now.

Abby’s face, tho.

Kalani and Sarah were up next with their Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding Olympic smackdown duet.  If you’ve forgotten the actual attack video, or are too young to even know what I’m talking about, you totally need to Google it right now.

Because it’s a youtube classic.

And it’s also exactly how I act every Monday morning when I realize that the weekend is over and I really have to go back to work.

Picture it.  Me.  Laying on the floor.  Snacks everywhere.  Crying.  Whyyyy?  Whyyyy?

Somewhere around this point was also when Kira and Tracey began their descent into madness.  They hate each other.  Like OMG totes hate each other.  And they can fling mud like two hungry pigs in the back of a barnyard once you poke ’em.

Side note:  It’s probably too late to get the kids out of the room on such short notice, so I apologize for what just happened.  I had no idea that Kira was going to show up wearing skintight pleather leggings and hooker stilettos.  Because she did.

I also had no idea that she was now part of whatever musical touring company that is that does the show where the ladies all wear fishnets or pleather leggings and top hats and sit backwards on bar chairs.

Kira just cracks me up.  We like her a whole bunch, even though sometimes she tries too hard to be the new Kristie Ray.  Which.  Is.  Impossible.

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(Shout out to Asia‘s Mom.  Miss you.  Muah!)

Tracey got nasty and blurted out that Kira doesn’t even have custody of her own son, which was somehow supposed to relate to Kalani’s place on the ALDC.  Somehow.

Boom went the dynamite.

Don’t you DARE bring Jax (…the son…) into this!  Don’t you DARE bring Jax into this!

One.  Not cool, Tracey.  Not cool at all.  Family is off limits.  Especially kids.

Two.  If you don’t want your son brought into the argument, you probably shouldn’t keep saying his name 50 times like you were ’bout to cut a bitch on VH1.

And then the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Ashlee’s pink dress time.  When did this show go all 3D?

You might wanna hike the top of that thing up a little honey, because it looks like you’re running with scissors.  And with kids in the room, I tell you.

As the girls got into their respective duet costumes, Holly pulled up a front row seat for the Tracey and Kira Floor Show as the two ladies completely lost their noodles backstage.

You wanna go there?  You don’t wanna go there.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  The bread kept expanding and expanding until Tracey suddenly went from Bake Sale Mom to Bad Girls Club and got all OhNoYouDin’t with a finger wave and one of those MmmHmm head circles and two snaps in a Z formation screaming about Kira’s arrest record.

k

Wait.  What?

Everyone started Googling police reports and TMZ videos and Smoking Gun mug shot pics on their cell phones and screaming about how Kira had a prior arrest for credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.  Arrested.  Credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.

And then Jill’s gum fell out of her mouth.

You really need to watch that scene a few times, paying special attention to Jill’s mouth and Holly’s entire HollyFace.

Holly doesn’t smoke (…and you shouldn’t either, kids…) but if she did you know she would’ve put her MattyB feet right up on that makeup table, lit up a Virginia Slim and watched the two of them go at it like it was the freakin’ Superbowl.

 L to the O…etc…

I don’t even remember how the argument ended, but it was probably when someone realized that the kids needed to be on stage five minutes ago and everyone scooted to their seats in the auditorium.

Arrested?  Close your mouth, Jill.  You’re catching flies.

Nancy and Tonya beat each other up on stage to the delight of everyone in the audience, with no real goobers or debilitating metal batons in the routine.

Lucy and Ethel started out ok, but then their music shut off.  Again.  Right in the middle of their dance.  Seriously?  Can somebody please teach Abby how to properly burn a CD or tell the judges to stop stepping on the iPod cords under the table every week?

How does this keep happening?

Backstage after all that silent movie drama, Abby asked JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn if she had even noticed that her daughter was facing backwards through most of the choreography.

jess

She had not.  Which Abby couldn’t believe, given the fact that Jessalynn is a dance teacher.  I don’t remember if I even knew that or not, but I certainly reacted like I had never heard it before.  Jessalynn?  Dancing?

And just so we’re clear:  Abby doesn’t tolerate mistakes, even though 92% of the CDs she hands in for competitions are 100% blank.

Go figure.

The Sad Clown group number was up next.  This is the routine that my MomCrush felt got all of Abby’s attention this week, even though most of the participants were not legal tender ALDC members.  She felt that the original team was neglected.

I felt that the buttons on the clown costumes looked like those candy dots you peel off wax paper.  But super-sized.  Which would be awesome.

And then Nia hit the stage with her backup dancers.  Because that’s exactly what happened.  Miss Thang owned that numbah.

Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soir.

Yaaaaaaasss, hunty!  Give me Moulin Rouge Face!  Yaaaaaaasss!  Yaaaaaaasss!

I know, right?  If everyone from Grey’s Anatomy can can cross over to other hospital shows, I don’t understand why Sasha Nia isn’t Death Dropping on Bring It! right now.

Why isn’t this a thing yet?  Lawd, my girl can Buck.

As Kira (…allegedly…) filled out a couple online applications for new black Amex Cards, the awards were handed out.  And that’s when it just got ugly.

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Lucy and Ethel only pulled a Fourth Place.  Some random team snagged First Place with a routine entitled ‘Thrift Shop, which I was bummed we didn’t get to see since I really like that song.

If you check the score sheets and do the math, that meant that Nancy and Tonya didn’t even place.  Because violence is never the answer, kids.

In the group category, (un)lucky Fourth Place again went to the ALDC for their Sad Clowns.  Despite the fact that the emcee was exceptionally excited and highly caffeinated, the Moulin Rouge number didn’t even place.  Nothing.  Nada.

That’s two no-shows in one competition, if you’re counting.

Backstage, everything went exactly as you’d expect it to go when the ALDC doesn’t win.

Hint:  Not good.

Abby realized that the girls were not ready to compete in Hollywood yet.  They needed to go back to Pittsburgh and regroup.  But not everyone.

I got a little concerned at first when Abby made it sound like anyone not going back to PA was going to be left in the lobby to die, but it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that.

Unfortunately, Sarah and her Mom were suddenly too old for the team and were sent home.  It was sad to see them go, especially since poor Sarah still had that pouty clown face thing happening, but it was also awkwardly hilarious the way Abby made them immediately grab their suitcases and exit the building like she was Donald Trump kicking Vivica Fox off Celebrity Apprentice.

Girl, bye.

j

I’m pretty sure the two of them either got into a waiting yellow cab for their exit interview or just took off in Holly’s rental which you know was probably parked in a handicap spot.

Kidding.  Kidding.  We heart Holly.  And she would never do that.  That’s so wrong.

The rest of the girls made cuts by the skin of their teeth.  They were safe.

For now, anyway.

Despite the drama, the girls still learned a valuable lesson about integrity and commitment and how doing what’s right is a better reward than some shiny trophy.

Remember that.

As the splintered ALDC team gathered up all their toys and got ready to go home, Abby left all the remaining Moms with one piece of advice:  Don’t do to your kids what Christi did to hers.  Which was a little odd, considering that Chloe is making a name for herself at another studio now, traveling the world and rapidly gaining on MattyB’s Three Billion social media hits.  It’s not like she’s panhandling in front of Dunkin Donuts somewhere.

So it’s back to Pittsburgh now.

See you there, suckahs.

PS…Don’t forget Nia’s new song comes out next Tuesday.

If you’re looking for more backup dancers, you know where to find me, Boo.

Love you.  Mean it.

Buy bye, Hollywood.

xoxo

nj


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