Posts Tagged ‘Gianna Martello’

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part Two. Time For The ALDC To Say Buh Bye To Hollywood.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2015

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Trust me, girlfriend. You do not want me to get all gangsta on your a** and start Googling s***!

 

 

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Keep it up, Bitch and I’ll max out your credit cards so fast they’ll never let you back in Target.

 

 

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Wait. What?

 

 

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I said Sasha got this under control. I just need to know where my three backup dancers be at…

 

 

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Really. What if my face sticks like this and then I can never close my mouth again? Arrested?

 

 

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I’ve never actually watched this show before. Have these ladies always been this crazy? Shoot.

 

 

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No. Srsly, Barbie. She’s not turning around until you stuff those things back in your dress.

 

 

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Help, Ethel! This loaf of bread is almost as long as one of JoJo’s stories! Waaah!

 

 

 

Turn Up The Track, yo.

And then maybe dial down the Mama Drama a bit if you could.

Cuz that would be great.  Saying goodbye is hard enough without all this screaming and swearing going on in the background.  Especially all the swearing.

That’s just nasty.  And with the kids still in the room.

But that’s exactly what happened this week when the Dance Moms started packing up all their leotards, cold shoulder tops and dreams of stardom and got ready to bid adieu to California and head back to the Reality they call Pittsburgh.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood, e’rrybody.  Part Deux.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our heroes and heroines (…same Bat Time, same Bat S*** Crazy Channel…) they were all in the midst of filming MattyB‘s Whitest Boy To Ever Rap In A 1950s Doo Wop Diner music video.

(True Fact:  That was the actual working title before someone decided to cut it down to “Turn Up The Track” so it wouldn’t eat up so many characters on Twitter.)

The More You Know, kids.

The girls were still dressed in their pink waitress uniforms.  MattyB’s hair was still perfect and he still had his feet on the same diner counter where people eat their dinner.

(Relax.  The little squirt is so squeaky clean that it’s probably impossible for germs to even adhere to his body.  It’s MattyB’s World, you know.  We just live in it.)

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And most importantly, Abby Lee Miller was still freaking out that Melissa had signed away Mackenzie‘s college tuition by allowing her daughter to perform in the video without top billing and a backstage rider of dressing room demands.

Because Mackenzie isn’t Mackenzie anymore, you know.  She’s pop star MackZ.

The biggest pop star in the universe, apparently.  At least that was the impression Abby gave everyone as she tried to get MattyB’s DaddyB to void the contract and give MackZ a trailer stocked with room temperature Perrier and a bowl of hand-sorted green M&Ms.

Because she’s a pop star now.  Just like Lady Gaga.  Which I guess explains why Lady Gaga is making the switch to Tony Bennet swing standards and Sound of Music medleys.

Clearly there isn’t room at the top of the charts for more than one Diva.  I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Mariah.  

Abby threatened to pull MackZ.  And then she threatened to pull Maddie, who wasn’t even legit in the video to start with, BTW.  But she’s all Famous Amos now, too.

Side note for all the Maddie Fans out there:  You might as well leave now and beat traffic, because for the second week in a row your girl didn’t do anything for an entire episode except stand there wearing red lip stick.  I swear.  Phoned it in again.

With two Zieglers out of the picture, the whole thing quickly escalated into a heated discussion on integrity, character and honoring your commitments.  The rest of the girls and their Moms had all agreed to help out MattyB (…whose freakin’ social media hits probably jumped from One Billion to Two Billions at some point during the arguing just because they kept saying his damn name…) and they weren’t walking off the job.

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That’s why they call it Honoring Your Commitments.  Duh.

Except for my MomCrush Jill, who sided with Melissa and Abby and pulled Kendall from the video as well.  She’s still my MomCrush, tho.  And honestly, at this point I’m more concerned that she was overlooked again for Season 20 of Dancing With The Stars.

Oh.  And I lied.  Maddie did have one line.  She told her Mom that she had just ruined the whole day.  Normally, I don’t condone mouthing off to your Mama for any reason, but it was subtitled like Honey Boo Boo Child and that always makes me laugh.

Just don’t make a habit of it, sweetie.

Sarah R (…who is now just plain Sarah…) stayed for the video shoot, along with Nia, Brynn and JoJo.  The New Moms stood united with Holly.

Spoiler Alert:  Get the kids out of the room before Brynn’s Mom Ashlee puts on her spanx and pink micro dress at the competition.  Trust me.  Just do it.

The next day, Holly and Nia shared a Mother/Daughter Moment in the Enterprise rental as they drove to the studio.  Dr. Beyoncé knew that they would catch some attitude from Abby after participating in MattyB’s video, but it was important that Nia learn the importance of holding your head high and sticking to what you believe is right.

Which I guess is more important than the fact that you just parked in a spot clearly designated for customers of the local dry cleaner.

Seriously.  Did anyone else see that?  Now you know I love me some Holly.  L to the O to the V to the E.  But how did she miss that giant yellow cement thing that had ‘cleaners’ stenciled on it?  Was it just me?  It’s not like it was raining and she just got her hair did.

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Because then it would be ok.  Cuz, you know…you just got your hair did.

Inside, Abby definitely copped some ‘tude with Holly and the rest of the video Moms.  But Holly wasn’t engaging in negativity today.  She just scratched her nose like you used to do in grade school when you wanted to flip somebody off but pretended to just scratch your nose.  Again…L to the O to the V to the E.

I’m quite enjoying this protective, rebellious Holly.  The new and improved 2015 model.

Then it was actually back to the ‘Dance’ part of Dance Moms.

MackZ and JoJo rehearsed their I Love Lucy routine.  MackZ seemed to have her act together, considering that she was in two group routines and a duet this week.  But she’s a pop star now, you know, so…

JoJo on the other hand, was straight up Lucy Ricardo, bumping into things and going in the wrong direction like she was coming down the stairs in a giant showgirl headpiece or something.  (Remember that episode?  Hilarious.)  JoJo clearly had some ‘splaining to do by the time Gianna and her big choreographer’s scarf came over to fix that hot mess.

Abby told JoJo to make sure she checked out TV Land so she might better understand the whole Lucy phenom, but the little tyke had already had done so and proved it by reciting (…in its entirety…word for word…for word…) the episode when Lucy and Ethel baked that gigantic loaf of bread.

And the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And the bread pushed her all the way to the other side of the kitchen.  And then it kept expanding.  And then it kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

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And my bow is so tight I don’t even know where I am right now.

Abby’s face, tho.

Kalani and Sarah were up next with their Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding Olympic smackdown duet.  If you’ve forgotten the actual attack video, or are too young to even know what I’m talking about, you totally need to Google it right now.

Because it’s a youtube classic.

And it’s also exactly how I act every Monday morning when I realize that the weekend is over and I really have to go back to work.

Picture it.  Me.  Laying on the floor.  Snacks everywhere.  Crying.  Whyyyy?  Whyyyy?

Somewhere around this point was also when Kira and Tracey began their descent into madness.  They hate each other.  Like OMG totes hate each other.  And they can fling mud like two hungry pigs in the back of a barnyard once you poke ‘em.

Side note:  It’s probably too late to get the kids out of the room on such short notice, so I apologize for what just happened.  I had no idea that Kira was going to show up wearing skintight pleather leggings and hooker stilettos.  Because she did.

I also had no idea that she was now part of whatever musical touring company that is that does the show where the ladies all wear fishnets or pleather leggings and top hats and sit backwards on bar chairs.

Kira just cracks me up.  We like her a whole bunch, even though sometimes she tries too hard to be the new Kristie Ray.  Which.  Is.  Impossible.

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(Shout out to Asia‘s Mom.  Miss you.  Muah!)

Tracey got nasty and blurted out that Kira doesn’t even have custody of her own son, which was somehow supposed to relate to Kalani’s place on the ALDC.  Somehow.

Boom went the dynamite.

Don’t you DARE bring Jax (…the son…) into this!  Don’t you DARE bring Jax into this!

One.  Not cool, Tracey.  Not cool at all.  Family is off limits.  Especially kids.

Two.  If you don’t want your son brought into the argument, you probably shouldn’t keep saying his name 50 times like you were ’bout to cut a bitch on VH1.

And then the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Ashlee’s pink dress time.  When did this show go all 3D?

You might wanna hike the top of that thing up a little honey, because it looks like you’re running with scissors.  And with kids in the room, I tell you.

As the girls got into their respective duet costumes, Holly pulled up a front row seat for the Tracey and Kira Floor Show as the two ladies completely lost their noodles backstage.

You wanna go there?  You don’t wanna go there.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  The bread kept expanding and expanding until Tracey suddenly went from Bake Sale Mom to Bad Girls Club and got all OhNoYouDin’t with a finger wave and one of those MmmHmm head circles and two snaps in a Z formation screaming about Kira’s arrest record.

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Wait.  What?

Everyone started Googling police reports and TMZ videos and Smoking Gun mug shot pics on their cell phones and screaming about how Kira had a prior arrest for credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.  Arrested.  Credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.

And then Jill’s gum fell out of her mouth.

You really need to watch that scene a few times, paying special attention to Jill’s mouth and Holly’s entire HollyFace.

Holly doesn’t smoke (…and you shouldn’t either, kids…) but if she did you know she would’ve put her MattyB feet right up on that makeup table, lit up a Virginia Slim and watched the two of them go at it like it was the freakin’ Superbowl.

 L to the O…etc…

I don’t even remember how the argument ended, but it was probably when someone realized that the kids needed to be on stage five minutes ago and everyone scooted to their seats in the auditorium.

Arrested?  Close your mouth, Jill.  You’re catching flies.

Nancy and Tonya beat each other up on stage to the delight of everyone in the audience, with no real goobers or debilitating metal batons in the routine.

Lucy and Ethel started out ok, but then their music shut off.  Again.  Right in the middle of their dance.  Seriously?  Can somebody please teach Abby how to properly burn a CD or tell the judges to stop stepping on the iPod cords under the table every week?

How does this keep happening?

Backstage after all that silent movie drama, Abby asked JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn if she had even noticed that her daughter was facing backwards through most of the choreography.

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She had not.  Which Abby couldn’t believe, given the fact that Jessalynn is a dance teacher.  I don’t remember if I even knew that or not, but I certainly reacted like I had never heard it before.  Jessalynn?  Dancing?

And just so we’re clear:  Abby doesn’t tolerate mistakes, even though 92% of the CDs she hands in for competitions are 100% blank.

Go figure.

The Sad Clown group number was up next.  This is the routine that my MomCrush felt got all of Abby’s attention this week, even though most of the participants were not legal tender ALDC members.  She felt that the original team was neglected.

I felt that the buttons on the clown costumes looked like those candy dots you peel off wax paper.  But super-sized.  Which would be awesome.

And then Nia hit the stage with her backup dancers.  Because that’s exactly what happened.  Miss Thang owned that numbah.

Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soir.

Yaaaaaaasss, hunty!  Give me Moulin Rouge Face!  Yaaaaaaasss!  Yaaaaaaasss!

I know, right?  If everyone from Grey’s Anatomy can can cross over to other hospital shows, I don’t understand why Sasha Nia isn’t Death Dropping on Bring It! right now.

Why isn’t this a thing yet?  Lawd, my girl can Buck.

As Kira (…allegedly…) filled out a couple online applications for new black Amex Cards, the awards were handed out.  And that’s when it just got ugly.

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Lucy and Ethel only pulled a Fourth Place.  Some random team snagged First Place with a routine entitled ‘Thrift Shop, which I was bummed we didn’t get to see since I really like that song.

If you check the score sheets and do the math, that meant that Nancy and Tonya didn’t even place.  Because violence is never the answer, kids.

In the group category, (un)lucky Fourth Place again went to the ALDC for their Sad Clowns.  Despite the fact that the emcee was exceptionally excited and highly caffeinated, the Moulin Rouge number didn’t even place.  Nothing.  Nada.

That’s two no-shows in one competition, if you’re counting.

Backstage, everything went exactly as you’d expect it to go when the ALDC doesn’t win.

Hint:  Not good.

Abby realized that the girls were not ready to compete in Hollywood yet.  They needed to go back to Pittsburgh and regroup.  But not everyone.

I got a little concerned at first when Abby made it sound like anyone not going back to PA was going to be left in the lobby to die, but it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that.

Unfortunately, Sarah and her Mom were suddenly too old for the team and were sent home.  It was sad to see them go, especially since poor Sarah still had that pouty clown face thing happening, but it was also awkwardly hilarious the way Abby made them immediately grab their suitcases and exit the building like she was Donald Trump kicking Vivica Fox off Celebrity Apprentice.

Girl, bye.

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I’m pretty sure the two of them either got into a waiting yellow cab for their exit interview or just took off in Holly’s rental which you know was probably parked in a handicap spot.

Kidding.  Kidding.  We heart Holly.  And she would never do that.  That’s so wrong.

The rest of the girls made cuts by the skin of their teeth.  They were safe.

For now, anyway.

Despite the drama, the girls still learned a valuable lesson about integrity and commitment and how doing what’s right is a better reward than some shiny trophy.

Remember that.

As the splintered ALDC team gathered up all their toys and got ready to go home, Abby left all the remaining Moms with one piece of advice:  Don’t do to your kids what Christi did to hers.  Which was a little odd, considering that Chloe is making a name for herself at another studio now, traveling the world and rapidly gaining on MattyB’s Three Billion social media hits.  It’s not like she’s panhandling in front of Dunkin Donuts somewhere.

So it’s back to Pittsburgh now.

See you there, suckahs.

PS…Don’t forget Nia’s new song comes out next Tuesday.

If you’re looking for more backup dancers, you know where to find me, Boo.

Love you.  Mean it.

Buy bye, Hollywood.

xoxo

nj

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

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So proud of you for getting the lead role, Baby. I just thought Justin Bieber would be taller in person.

 

 

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I’m super excited for the Lucy & Ethel duet. Ethel Merman has always been one of my idols!

 

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If I’m sweeping for this whole video, I swear I’m gonna go completely LaQuifa on somebody’s a**.

 

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One. Billion. Views.

 

 

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No, really. Are you just gonna sit there all day or you gonna get up and get me my milkshake, lady?

 

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My life, tho.

 

 

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These chicks be straight crazy, yo.

 

 

 

 

Lights.  Camera.  Action.

Take One.  Take Two.  Take ‘em all, if you want.  You can have ‘em.

And while you’re at it, maybe you could send over that tiny waitress with some scrambled eggs and a side of hash browns, cuz all this Hollywood stuff is making me hungry.

Can you believe it?  It’s already the final seven days of the 2015 Los Angeles Road Trip for our Dance Moms crew.  Seems like Abby Lee Miller & Co. just arrived in California and now they’re already packing up their hair bows and plastic jewelry for the return trip home.  Time really flies when you’re singing and dancing and screaming and crying.

But don’t you worry.  There was still so much West Coast Mama Drama left to squeeze in that they had to make it a two-parter this week.  The trip that never ended.

And speaking of this whole trip.  I thought the whole point of this thing was to uproot everyone and open a shiny new studio (…“ALDC LA is happening, kids”…) and never look back at Pittsburgh, PA again.  Wasn’t that what Abby kept holding over everyone’s head all last season?  Or did I just make that part up in my head?

And was it just me, or did this whole thing kinda feel like that time when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii?  (…For today’s performance, the role of Alice will be played by Gianna Martello…) When you saw the same people you already know, but they were all wearing different clothes and being filmed outside in the wind a lot?m

Like when you knew that Greg was probably not going to die the night that gigantic tarantula crawled onto his bed and yet the whole thing still felt a little off and secretly you couldn’t wait for them all to fly back home to Pittsburgh and just dance and have a normal meal of pork chops and apple sauce for a change.

That sentence didn’t even make sense.

But that’s probably why Holly stated more than once that the LA trip was not what she expected.  And Dr. Beyoncé always speaks the truth.  Because she is awesome sauce.

Which is even better than apple sauce.  Way better.

And thinking of Holly just made me think of Nia.  Can we discuss Nia’s hair this week?

On.  Point.  Sasha.  On.  Point.

It was definitely their last week in LA. and probably the earliest that I’ve ever gotten completely off track in a recap.  So let’s get to the Pyramid of Shame and keep this thing moving, because it’s gonna be a long one.

Maddie was MIA again as the Pyramid began.  This week she was off at Disneyland somewhere filming an episode of Austin & Ally, which I guess must be a show about two people named Austin and Ally.  I can’t watch everything out there, people.

To fill the Ziegler Void, Abby announced that she would be bringing in two additional dancers who just happened to be standing on the other side of the studio doors at that very moment.  And then right on cue, in walked former ALDC Junior Elite/Select/I Forget Which One dancer Sarah Reasons and her Mom Tracey.  

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Insert disgusted Kira Girard Face here: _________________.

Reverse Spoiler Alert:  Not sure why Kira acted so surprised to see her arch nemesis Tracey in the building since Tracey was freakin’ sitting behind them at last week’s competition.  For realz.  Right there, behind Abby’s big ol’ bouffant.

Busted.  These Lifetime post-production editors need to either start blurring out the faces of these surprise cameo guest stars or stop filming them looking over Abby’s shoulder through an entire Sheer Talent extravaganza.  Tracey’s nosey, BTW.

Last season, Sarah was known as Sarah R. to avoid any potential confusion with other similarly named, less emotionally stable dancers, but now that the show has driven away most of the Sarahs and Christis of the world, she’s just plain old Sarah again.

And hot on her heels was a brand new face to the ALDC…Brynn Rumfallo and her Mom Ashlee.  Another mortal enemy from Arizona.  Brynn kinda sorta looked like a slightly bigger version of the other not-Sarah R. and Ashlee had hair that was darker at the bottom and underneath.  I don’t know what you call that style.  (…‘So Last Year’ maybe?…)

Ouch.  Snap.  Went there.

I don’t know who’s left at Kira’s old Arizona dance studio since they’re all in California now.

And how ’bout Nia’s hair this week?  Did we already mention that?  On.  Point.

Clearly, we’re wasting too much valuable time this week, so I’ll just skip the rest of the Pyramid to speed things up.  Except for the part where Kendall was on top.  Because that’s important.  You go, gurrrl.  Well deserved.  XOXO.

My MomCrush Jill was beyond thrilled.  And she’s my MomCrush, so there’s that.

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And then JoJo cried.  And then she got kicked off the team and out of the room.  But then she pulled a quick U-turn and came bouncing right back in to apologize for crying like a little kid (…PS she is a little kid…) and for being too scared to watch an R-rated movie all by herself in a dark hotel room.

I still can’t believe Abby wanted this little squirt to watch the movie Carrie last week.  That ain’t rite.  Mom Jessalynn is already spending too much money on hair accessories and Clairol Root Touch-Up.  She doesn’t need to write another check for psychotherapy.

This week the gang was headed to Starbound National Talent Competition.  Sarah and Kalani scored a duet based on the infamous Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding 1994 Winter Olympic ice skating fiasco.  The one where Tonya had someone bonk Nancy’s knee with a socket wrench, sending her into a crumpled mess on the floor like she had just lost the entire limb in a wood chipper.

Drama Queen much?

The other duet went to MackZ and JoJo, who were paying tribute to Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz.  Not gonna lie.  Part of me hopes it’s going to be the episode where JoJo gets a giant trophy stuck on her head.

There were also two group routines to learn, but since they don’t really happen until next week we’ll just skim over those until Part Two.  The big dealio with having two dances to learn was that Abby had to bring in guest choreographer Molly Long to work with one team, while the other team (…comprised of mostly newbies…) got all of Abby’s attention.

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No wonder Holly has taken matters into her own hands nowadays.  Enough, already.  Don’t screw with a Mother’s Love.

As all the various dances were rehearsed over the next few days, the Moms were running out of patience with pretty much everything that was going down around them.  This was not the plan when the Original Recipe Moms all left Pittsburgh.  Especially the part that included New Moms in the mix.

We also got a delightful flashback to a Classic Dance Moms Moment from last season when Kira flipped out on Tracey one night when all the Old and New Moms were out having cocktails.  You remember.  It was that time when the two of them ran after each other down some random hallway while Holly hoarded every wine glass on the table and Jill and Christi wore matching fur coats.

Gah, those were good times.  I miss Chloe.

With only four days to go before competition, Abby got a surprise call from Blake Morris.

On her cell.  On speakerphone.  Because that’s how it’s done in Reality TV.

Blake is the Father/Manager of “internet artist” MattyB.  Which is totally the way he introduced himself on the phone and which is also totally the way I hope my Dad will one day have to identify himself to strangers.

Who’s MattyB, you ask?  Srsly?  Clearly, you are not a 9 year old girl if you have to ask that stupid question.

Now, before anyone spams my inbox, let me preface this by stating that I am also a cute little white boy.  So it’s ok for me to point out that MattyB is the cutest, littlest, whitest boy that youtube has ever seen.  Ever.

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And he raps, yo.  Granted, he does it in that new little white boy line of clothing from J.Crew, but when you’re 11 years old and have ONE BILLION social media hits under your nautical web belt you can freakin’ get gangsta in a Pokémon onesie for all I care.

This kid owns youtube right now.

He also owns a really good head of pre-teen/pre-DBag Justin Bieber hair.

(Spoiler alert:  Enjoy it while you can, cowboy.  Your Dad’s a really nice guy, but…)

Dad wanted the ALDC girls to audition for MattyB’s new music video.  OMG.

Nia got all giggly.  MackZ just ran in circles bumping into things.  Kendall professed her love for MattyB.  Even though he is slightly height challenged at the moment, once his voice changes and he has a spurt or two, she would be willing to revisit the possibility of marrying him and having 100 perfect-haired babies.

As soon as the introductory speakerphone call was over, Abby and Melissa were all like AwHellNahMackenzieAin’tDancingBackUpForNobodyCuzShe’sAlreadyAMusicStar until Holly casually mentioned the whole One Billion Thang and then all of the sudden they were pulling out headshots like they were popping Tic Tacs.

It was pre-tween chaos.

Quickly followed by a commercial for Born In The Wild where we got to see pixelated crotch shots of women having babies in the rain forest.

What the What?  Is nobody working in the Lifetime offices on Tuesday nights anymore?

I can’t.  I just can’t anymore.

(Check out Nia’s hair while we’re here…)nk

Finally, it was Music Video Audition Time!

Blake and Video Director Marshall Manning showed up at the studio to give the girls some deets on the upcoming audition process.  It’s nice they could take a break from their JCPenney catalog plaid shirt photo shoot, because that’s totally what they were doing before they arrived.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nobody in MattyB’s posse is allowed to tuck their shirt in.  It’s in the contract, I swear.  Check out every scene from now until the end credits.  If I’m lying I’m dying.)

I really liked Marshall.  He was all Hollywood and Boy Band and Joey Tribbiani from Friends in one neatly trimmed package.  There was a lot of good hair this week.

Marshall wanted the ‘essence of a child’ for this video, which I prayed was the dancing kind and not the kind that had just been delivered on a bed of wet pine needles in the back woods of Maine.

Go back and watch that commercial.  I just can’t in HD anymore.

The next day, choreographer Erik Saradpon joined the MattyB party to lead the auditions.  It was guest stars galore this week, I tell you.

There was also a third gentleman who was not allowed to speak or give his name who sat in between Marshall and Blake at the American Idol table, as well as a waiter from Vanderpump Rules wearing a sleeveless (…untucked…) lumberjack shirt and ski beanie who was in charge of the iPod.

But my all-time favorite dude (…maybe in the entire history of television so far…) had to be MattyB’s Stunt Man who stepped in to lip sync into an invisible microphone while shaking it like a Polaroid frat party picture.

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I swear.

Lose the pants, take away the oversized striped hoodie t-shirt and some of the underaged girls dancing backup and that’s exactly how I look in the shower every morning.  And exactly how I didn’t want that sentence to sound when it came out of my mouth.

Side note:  From now on when the conversation gets this uncomfortable I think it’s best if I just awkwardly back out of the room and remind everyone how amazing Nia’s hair looked this week.  Because it did.

On.  Point.

The girls danced and did some vocals to secure their spots in the video.  Some could sing.  Some not so much.  JoJo was so thirsty for a part in the production that she almost tackled the fake MattyB a few times before he threw himself threw a glass window to escape like a true stunt man.

And then finally…again…it was Music Video Showtime!

And Maddie was back for some reason.  I’m pretty sure they just CGI edited her back into the final scene this week for her Sia fans, because she didn’t talk or move the whole time she was standing next to Kendall in the parking lot.

The whole theme of the video shoot was a 1950s Doo Wop diner looking thing with 1940s Andrew Sisters looking hair, because we all know what a big deal rap music was to all those crazy rebellious kids from the 1940s and 1950s.

MattyB was in the hizzle now and you could literally hear a high pitched squeal almost shatter the ozone above all 50 states every time somebody put his face on screen.

hf

The girls were all dressed as waitresses and paired up with the cleanest looking greaser boys in MB varsity jackets I’ve ever seen.  MackZ ended up getting the lead waitress role while the rest of the girls were put into different on-camera tiers based on screen time and speed of delivering food to the tables while it was still hot.

As production began, Abby was now the one MIA so Melissa gave her a call to figure out her location and see what was taking her so long to get to the shoot.

The short version, since we’re going OT here:  Abby was having second thoughts about MackZ being in the video without any top billing, given her Mariah Carey pop star status and all.  Unfortunately, Melissa had already signed some kind of contract that gave away MackZ’s Star Status and First Born to MattyB and his Dad.

Abby quickly arrived at the diner, pulling Blake aside and asking him to speak with some attorney that she had sitting on hold regarding MackZ’s sumthin sumthin, but Blake was too busy to be bothered.  Plus, Melissa had already signed a different sumthin sumthin.

And Double Plus, MattyB has One Billion hits on social media and you don’t.

None of you do, actually.  How’s that feel right about now?

Then Abby gave Melissa the Stink Eye.  Big Time Stink Eye.

Abby was having second thoughts about the whole thing and was contemplating yanking all the girls out of the video, which would basically shut down the production.  Except that it was almost completed already.  And MattyB had already tweeted out the finished project to his bazillion groupies during the episode.

And it’s already up to 900,000 plus views on youtube.

Again.  Editing, people.

But Nia’s hair was amazeballs and Holly isn’t taking any more crap this season.

I guess next week we’ll see how it all works out in Part Two.

Are you ready, JoJo?

lucy

Dance Moms: I’ll Star In My Own Life If You Get Outta My Face. Miss Nia Hits The Recording Studio And Risks It All.

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

mel

 

 

I swear Kanye stole my iPhone at the Grammys. I can’t find that damn thing anywhere. Not cool.

 

 

h

 

 

Time for my anti-lice headgear, cuz you know Mama’s gotta protect her investment.

 

 

g3

 

 

So you want ME to give the bad news again? Getting sick of this Good Cop Bad Cop s***, lady.

 

hw

 

 

 

All I know is that my hair’s on fleek and when I close my eyes my baby girl sounds like Whitney.

 

ak

 

 

Your mother wears tight clothes every day and you don’t see her crying, do you? Suck it up.

 

jv

 

 

 

Oh, that’s hilarious. But Tim Gunn calls it a “Tailored Fit,” thank you very much. Look it up.

 

js

 

 

 

It’s not your usual color, but it’ll still cover up those nasty roots. Close your mouth, honey.

 

 

 

Hollywood.

Entertainment Capital of the World.

Home to radio, TV, music and filmmaking.  Where stars are made.  And careers are born.

Where you’re only one audition away from your dreams and barely five miles up N. Santa Monica Blvd. from where The Beverly Hillbillies used to live.

Hollywood.  Panoramic penthouses and celebrity mansions.

And now temporary housing for the Dance Moms.  ALDC LA, baby.

After months and months (…and months…) of threatening to do it, Abby Lee Miller finally packed up all the over-sized hot rollers and Mama Drama she could fit in a steamer trunk and headed to the West Coast in search of new opportunities for her Pittsburgh Posse.

Since I pretty much neglected their actual arrival, here’s a capsulized version of what you missed when the ALDC landed in California last week…in case you need to clear out 60 minutes on your DVR for that new Gotham show, which I highly recommend:

Upon arriving, Abby was immediately intimidated by the high calibre of dancers in Hollywood.  She found studio space for the girls and then had a run in with choreographer Erin Babbs, who likes to wear the same slouchy beanies that those DBag waiters on Vanderpump Rules always wear.  Abby no-showed a lot, choosing instead to spend her time having emotional breakdowns inside her Enterprise rental while snacking on Sour Patch Kids and Burger King value meals.

My MomCrush Jill got herself a new, soft pink turtleneck that I especially enjoyed.k

We love Mrs. Vertes.

Abby set up a casting call for all the girls with John Barba, who was wearing one of those Newsies caps that the Broadway Boys throw up in the air at the end of every dance number.  My girl Nia rocked her audition, but Abby tried to sabotage it, which resulted in Holly deciding that from now on she would take charge of her own baby’s career.  Move it and shake it, Dr. Beyoncé.  Move it.  And shake it.  And then call Aubrey O’Day.

Because I’m not jealous at all that Holly has Aubrey in her contacts list.

As Season Five Abby continued her mental implosion, Season One Abby magically returned in her place, complete with puffy, makeup-free cheeks and that hair she used to have before Lifetime hooked her up with a stylist.  Just.  Whoa.

Abby also claimed to have spent one entire sleepless night working on a Homeless Girl costume for Maddie, though the same results could have been achieved by just snagging two towels on a washing machine agitator.  Really?  ALL night?

She also screamed a lot about parking spaces and how the Moms were really pushing her buttons, before throwing a totally yummy looking fruit basket on the floor.

And Gianna got ombré highlights.

Now you’re caught up.

As this week’s episode began, Abby had made the decision to move the girls to a different rehearsal space.  One that was apparently less intimidating and clearly much cheaper by the hour.  Did you see that thing?

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I swear.  With all the money that this Dance Moms cash cow brings in, I will never understand why they still insist on hiding whatever it is they are always hiding behind wrinkly bolts of fabric and CVS poster paper.  Hang a confederate flag on the ceiling and that place would look exactly like a Freshman dorm.  Or one of those restaurants with gigantic laminated menus that always hang old photos and horseshoes on the wall.

This week the gang was headed to another Sheer Talent competition, because clearly they offer this event in every state as well as Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia.

Before assignments and arguments were handed out, there was a short Pyramid of Shame which Abby tore through at such warp speed that it would literally take me longer to type the details than it took to present.  Basically, JoJo’s headshot got ripped off and stuck on the other side of the room because she’s not actually a legitimate member of the team yet and Maddie was on top.

“There you go.”

Side note:  Jessalyn‘s printed pants.  Just staaaahhhp.  My retina’s are burning.

Kendall and JoJo snagged solos.  Since Honey Bow Bow Child is not even a legally licensed member of the ALDC and yet somehow still scored another dance number, I guess that means you can all look forward to me doing my signature tap routine at some point later on this season.

Seriously.  I have no idea how these rules work anymore.

And then Holly and Abby went another round.  Lawd.  Testify, Mrs. Frazier.

Memo to self:  Never stick it to Baby Cub Nia when Mama Bear Holly is in the cave.

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Deep down under all the noise, the moral of the Dance Moms story is still all about Moms loving their kids and only wanting the best for them.  It may get buried under a lot of screeching and VH1 finger pointing sometimes, but there’s no denying a Mother’s Love.

And there’s only so much anyone can take before they lose their noodle.  Even if you have a PhD.  It’s called The Breaking Point.

Somewhere in here Abby also called Aubrey O’Day, because apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t have her on speed dial.

Holly took off (…again looking pretty fly in her new Gap dark denim jacket, BTW…) and then Abby attempted a dramatic exit of her own, which kinda sputtered and then burned out before takeoff when she slowly walked sideways down the stairs like you do when your hip hurts in the rain and your bunions are flaring up.

Side note:  Someone online stole my “The Struggle Is Real” joke when she took the stairs, so I got nothing right now.

The next day, with only 48 hours to go before the competition, Holly and Nia were nowhere to be found.  Abby stuck JoJo into the ‘Collateral Damage’ Last Child Standing Survivalist group routine to replace Nia, which would explain why JoJo finally had a matching blue outfit like the rest of the girls.

(How may hair bows does this kid pack for a trip, anyway?)

Across town, we found the MIA Team Nia.  Holly and Sasha were at the Boom Boom Room recording studio, meeting up with Aubrey O’Day.  It was Nia’s day to record her new single “Star In Your Own Life!”  (Available soon on iTunes.)  Check out her Nia Nation App in the meantime.

I know, right?  Do you have your own app?  I don’t think so.

NIA:  Just make sure you Google it correctly or you get the National Institute on Aging.

add

It was nice to see Aubrey O’Day not crying like she did every time Clay Aiken went all Drama Queen on her during Celebrity Apprentice.  It was also nice to meet R8DIO, the music producer, who not only knows his shizzz but made me really want a hip hop name now.  How kool wood dat bee?

One.  Of all the bazillions of HollyFaces out there, ProudMama Face is a close second to the infamous WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis? Face when it comes to picking my favorite.

Mama was beyond proud of her baby.  To Infinity & Beyond proud.

Two.  My girl has pipes!  Nia can saaaang, yo!

Back at 3rd Street Dance, Kendall and Jojo were fine tuning their solos.  KK’s routine was a Bollywood themed number, while JoJo BowBow was trying to channel Stephen King‘s horror movie Carrie.

For realz.  The one about the bloody Prom Queen, causing chaos wherever she goes.  I see what you did there, Abby.  Subtle.

Unfortunatley, JoJo was having trouble getting into the character, so Abby insisted that she go home and watch the movie.

Wait.  What?  Isn’t that an R rated movie?  And isn’t she like 5 years old or something?

Luckily, before the Motion Picture Association of America and Child Services could be notified, time ran out on the studio rental meter and Abby had to scoot everyone out of the room.  Hopefully JoJo went home to watch Nickelodeon and not witness a bucket of pig’s blood being dumped on someone, since the that little nugget is already teetering on the brink of insanity.

We heart JoJo.  But she’s krazee.

jj

With one day left before Sheer Talent, Nia was back in the studio getting cheers and huggies from all her BFFs.  Holly had chillaxed a little and knew where Nia belonged.  She loves to dance and loves her friends and Holly was willing to bite her tongue for a few minutes to let Nia have her moment.  Doesn’t mean she was backing down.  At all.

And then JoJo got head lice.

Not even lying.  Her Mom uses more bleach on that kid’s head than I use on my entire bathtub and she still got head lice.

Jessalynn called from wherever she was to tell Kira that JoJo was at some secret location being treated for lice.  Not sure what that really means since you can just go to Walgreen’s and then wash your hair.

But whatever.

While JoJo was being de-wormed, Gianna was in the other room getting a call from Abby, who was (…one mo’ time…) not even in the building.  Abby made Gia the Heavy once again and told her to cut Nia from the group routine because she had not taken the opportunity to properly ‘Absolve Her Sins.’

Or maybe it was the Pope on the phone.  I don’t know anyone else who talks like that.

To give us a quick breather from the religious overtones, the Moms all hit an outdoor cafe for some vino and diet coke.  Even Jessalynn showed up (…allegedly uninvited or not?…) and thought she was in France.

She also thinks she’s a natural blonde, so there’s that, too.

Holly flipped her nutty again when Jessalynn started acting all Jessalynn and you know how that story always ends.

Finally, it was Showtime!

aldc

Nia showed up like a true pro to support her friends, even though she really wished she could dance in the group number.  The rest of the ALDC team showed up in their new hooched up red dresses with some kind of studded thingamabobs on the shoulders.  I guess the days of arriving in your sweatpants are long gone.

Even the Louis bags were back!  It’s Hollywood, baby.

The only thing that didn’t show up at the auditorium was JoJo’s head lice.  That was miraculously cured overnight.  No worries though, because if the shampoo hadn’t done its job, the bottle of fake blood that Abby poured all over her Prom Queen head would have surely stopped those little buggers from multiplying.

Side note:  You would have sworn everyone in the backroom had lice now the way they were stressing out.  This was not a very relaxing pre-game locker room scene.

Kendall cried because her Bollywood costume was too tight.  JoJo got fake blood in her eyes.  Nia wanted to dance.  Holly was grinding her teeth.  Abby tried to buy back some of Nia’s love by tossing her a gift shop t-shirt.

Anyone else notice how often Maddie chews her nails?  Put some hot sauce on those things or something.  That’s a bad habit, sweetie.

Kendall’s solo went really well.  At least until the music stopped.  But she sang the song in her head while everyone in the audience clapped along and she made it through to the end like a true professional, even though the routine seemed a little more BoLyrical than Bollywood if you ask me.  But again, I’m only going on what I remember from So You Think You Can Dance, so I might be a little foggy.

JoJo’s bloody mess of a dance reminded me of the time I almost OD’d on one of those chocolate waterfall fountains at a wedding reception.  Twitching on the floor, tongue hanging out, goop smeared all over my face.  Best.  Day.  Ever.

She never watched the movie, so she didn’t take the audience on an emotional roller coaster.  Or kill her mother.  Which I guess is a good thing.

jessThe group number looked great.  At least from what I could see on the MaddieCam.  Was it just me or did they show way more Maddie than anyone else?  I guess if you dance with Sia and go to the Grammys while the rest of us are home tweeting about the nasty bathrobe dress that Kim Kardashian wore you deserver your own GoPro video.

Bonus Points:  Given to Nia for shutting down JoJo when she asked her if Nia was sad that she couldn’t dance with the group.

Newsflash:  I’m on the Team.  You’re not.  And you can’t sit with us at lunch.

Snap.

When it was all over, JoJo only pulled Fifth Place.  Kendall’s silent mime dance nailed her Second Place.  And the group came in First.  Finally.

Backstage the Moms participated in one final round of discussions on how Nia should have been in the group dance.  Holly proudly stated that her daughter learned some valuable lessons this week.  Neither she nor her Mom are going to be vulnerable anymore.  Obviously she would prefer the support of all the other mothers, but if she isn’t going to get it…no worries.

Step right up and enjoy the Nia Show, people.

FYI:  You might wanna buy your tickets early, cuz it’s gonna sell out.

(PS…I’m starting an online petition to have the producers give Mackenzie at least one line in every episode.  That poor little peanut has just been phoning it in lately.)

The ALDC team is broken.  Or at least cracked a little bit.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what California has in store next time.

Ciao, baby.  Love you.  Mean it.

Hollywood Kisses.

 jv1


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