Posts Tagged ‘Gianna Martello’

Dance Moms: She’s Baaaack! It’s The Return Of Honey Bow Bow Child When JoJo Takes The ALDC To Church.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

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Let’s plead insanity on that lawsuit. I’m sure I’ll pick up plenty of pointers this week. Trust me.

 

 

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That. Was hilarious.

 

 

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Don’t you worry, people. Mini-Maya ’bout to own this stage. But first, let me take a selfie.

 

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I don’t even know where I am right now. But I know it’s awesome and I like ponies and Skittles.

 

 

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I can already feel the Sassy Super Powers of this magic hair bow burning into my brain. It works!

 

 

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I’m just saying go get your own damn Starbucks because this Cup o’ Crazy is all mine, honey.

 

 

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AwHellNah. What is that on your head, girl? I don’t think so.

 

 

 

It’s true.

Hair Bow Chicka Bow Bow.

Ready or not, here she comes.

JoJo Siwa is back in the ALDC hizzle, yo.

Dance Moms raised the Headgear Threat Level to Glitter this week with the highly promoted arrival of the sassified Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition alum and it was pretty much everything you would expect to see when someone from the planet KrazyPants crash lands on the ALDC Mothership.

Because that’s what it was.

Krazy.  With a capital ‘K.’

But first, there were a few quieter non-JoJo moments before she and Mom Jessalyn knocked down the studio door and started making all the dogs in my house run in circles.

After last week’s confrontation between Holly and Abby, there was still a lot of underlying tension in that little pink holding room as the Few and The Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms waited for the Pyramid of Shame to commence.  With only three Moms and four dancers remaining, Kalani and Mom Kira were settling in nicely as new/old additions to the mix, but you could definitely cut it with a knife.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Right out of the gate, my MomCrush was on point.  Bump-It was almost setting off the ceiling sprinklers and she was working one of her officially licensed furry Star Wars vests.  I’m also digging that new Herbal Essence hairdo she’s rocking in the confessional one-on-ones.  I’m not sure how she makes all those hot roller curls bounce in slow motion like Baywatch, but she does.j

As Abby called everyone in for Pyramid, Holly asked if the Moms could come in first for a little chat, but she got shot down before she even finished the sentence.  No time for group hugs when there are Pyramids to unveil.

You heard me.  Pyramids.  Plural.

It was the Pyramids and Pyramids and Pyramids of Shame this week.

All the girls’ new and improved head shots from last week’s photo shoot were plastered across the mirrors.  Everyone got their own private pyramid, with all their different looks and outfit changes all taped up for the big reveal.  It was a moment when you suddenly realized how much they’ve all grown up over the years.

It was also one of those moments when you don’t question anything and just go with the flow.  Like when Glee kids burst into song in the middle of gym class or Lassie finds Timmy in an abandoned water well.  Because it’s a television show, people.

Yes.  It’s real life.  With real loving Moms who love real kids.  But it’s also real life on a reality show.  On your television.  So there’s stuff you see and don’t see and reasons for this and that and things that get edited and things that get cut.  Which is why Abby Lee Miller has a television show on a national cable network while Miss Jolene’s Dance and Tumble Tots Complex still shares Community Center rehearsal space with the Silver Sneakers senior program.

And it’s also why I just roll my eyes sometimes when people get themselves all bunched up on Twitter.  Chillax or change the channel.

But I digress.

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As you’ll recall, last week every girl had a 15 minute limit on their camera time which MackZ, Maddie and Kalani hogged, leaving Nia only 7 minutes to put on three different outfits, change her makeup twice and flat iron her hair.

Trust me, I’ve watched enough Bring It! to know that ain’t gonna happen in 7 minutes.

So relax.  It’s TV.

Honestly, I don’t even remember them bringing in that tree or wall or whatever it was that Kalani was leaning on.  Is she even old enough to have already had her Senior Pictures done?  She totes needs to sign my yearbook.

There was Spunky Maddie, Sultry Maddie, I Think I Like Boys Now Mackenzie, Soap Opera Kalani, Diva Nia and Sporty Spice all over the mirrors.  All done in 15 minutes.

It’s television.  And I just spent way too much time on that rant, so we’ll have to skip the actual Pyramid part this week.  Blah Blah…Maddie on top.  The End.

This week, the gang was heading to Warren, NJ for another In10sity Dance Competition.  The group routine was going to be a potentially controversial dance based on Religious Diversity, which immediately started spiking Twitter faster than Kim Kardashian‘s naked butt.

MackZ was handed yet another acrobatic solo, which was pretty strange considering all the time that Abby spends telling her to grow up and be an MTV vixen.  Pretty hard to do when you spend every week doing whatever that hand stand in a circle thing is called.

The final solo of the week was dangled in front of Nia’s face like meat-on-a-stick for about 20 minutes before Abby walked to the side door and announced the arrival of Storm JoJo.

Oh, JoJo.

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Part Asia Monet wannabe, part Anna Nicole Smith after a hard night of clubbing and part every Toddlers & Tiaras kid who ever finger kissed themselves right off the edge of the stage into a face plant on the Ramada ballroom carpet.

(Yeah, I’m talking to you, Eden Wood…)

That’s our JoJo.  Complete with yet another ginormous sparkly Joker bow/flower dingly head thingamabob that looked like it should be squirting water in Batman’s face.  And her Mom Jessalynn.  The other loud accessory that JoJo never leaves the house without.

If you watched AUDC, you’ll remember Jessalynn from her sassy “Girlfrieeeend” throw downs with every other Mom in the competition.

If you didn’t watch AUDC, Jessalynn is that woman who cuts in front of you at Walmart and then pretends that she was there the whole time.

As the girls stretched it out and started work on the religious number, the Moms hit the MomPerch.  Jessalynn started spraying attitude all over the couch, and as soon as it hit Holly’s new hair it was on like Donkey Kong.  For the full hour.

Old Moms and New Moms never seem to play nice on this show.  Or is it just me?

MackZ had to put on JoJo’s big ol’ hair bow at some point, too, in hopes that it would inspire sassiness.  It’s like a brain chip.  A big, curly, gift wrapped brain chip.  And it’s how KrazyPantaliens assimilate into our society.

The next day, Holly had raided Jill’s closet while she was in the shower and swiped one of her furry vests when nobody was looking.  But it worked.  You go, girl.

Downstairs in the studio, JoJo was really struggling with her solo.  Did I mention that Maddie was gone again?  I probably should have, since JoJo’s piece was supposed to fill the lyrical MaddieVoid while Maddie was off with her new bestie Sia at some Hollywood Bowl benefit concert.

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Q.  What were you doing when you were 12 years old?

A.  Not that.  Loser.

Clearly, little Miss JJ  was not going to be able to handle the choreography, so mid-stream Abby changed the whole dance into some JoJo-friendly JazzSpazz kinda thing, which left the ALDC without the lyrical routine that had previously been submitted to the competition.

Q.  What to do now?

A.  Check behind Door #2 and see what prize you find.

Side note:  Are these kids all backed up behind that studio door just waiting for their 15 minutes of face time or what?  As soon as Abby screamed for tiny Sarah Hunt to come into the studio, she was there.  Like…instantly.  Almost like teleportation, if you want to keep with the sci-fi theme.

It must look like a spandex-y (…is that a word?…) log jam of hyperventilating baby dancers on the other side of that wall just waiting to hear their name called.

Come on down!  You’re the next player!

You remember Sarah.  She cried all the time.  Especially on buses.  A real cutie, but I always get nervous around little kids who cry so hard they can’t breath, because the last thing you want to do is perform CPR on somebody with UglyCryingNose.

Google it.  It’s gross.  And wet.

And then her Mom Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) barreled into the studio.  If you put your ear to the ground you could have probably heard her coming into town like a western stage coach stampede.

Great.  Another loud Mom.

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I’m not sure if we need to call her CHRIST-y anymore, since there is only one Christi now.  Especially on a religious diversity episode.  They’re never really clear on what protocol to follow every time Abby drives a Mom out of the building.

Jessalynn and Christy pig piled right on top of each other as soon as they hit the Perch.  Christy thought she was better than Jessalynn.  Jessalynn thought she was better than Christy.  They both smack talked each other’s kid, which is not cool.

Let’s be real.  If you popped their heads off like Barbie dolls and swapped them on each other’s bodies they would still be the exact same person with different hair color, so I’m not really sure why they didn’t hit it off better.  I think these issues go deeper than just Walmart.

Jessalynn also likes her catch phrases.  You know they’re catch phrases when Lifetime tweets them out.  Check ‘em out when you have time.

Around now was when Maddie called in from Hollywood.  She was with her Aunt Renee, who seemed very good at chaperoning but not so great at remembering to bring Maddie’s hairbrush.  Or maybe I’ve just never had to learn four dance routines in one day.

Maybe that’s it.  I apologize for my jealousy.

Abby put Maddie on speaker and basically trash talked all the other girls like a Boss until Sia told her girl to get off the damn phone.  Time is Money in Hollywood.  Chop Chop.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy bus crowd arrival time.

Lawd.  These tweeny bop fans are bonkers.  I’m probably just jealous (…again…) that I never got to run down a sidewalk high-fiving everyone when I was in 5th grade….but still.

Bonkers.

Backstage, there was no sign of Abby.  Nada.

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No Maddie = No Abby?  Hmmmm.

Holly questioned Gianna, but didn’t get any solid response.  If you DVR’d the show and don’t have much time, just fast forward to the part where Holly is sewing stuff into Nia’s head and goes “Well, some people have priorities, mmmmmkay?”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Book me a chair at Dr. Beyoncé’s House Of Hair right now.  I mean it.

Sarah’s solo was good.  Jessalynn said she wasn’t strong enough to dance at the YMCA, but I enjoyed it.  JoJo’s solo was classic JoJo.

Abby finally decided to show up, walking down the aisle like she was Ellen Degeneres‘ Oscar Night Pizza Guy or something.  The crowd went nuts and I started craving pepperoni.  Miss Abby does like her entrances.  And her pizza, I bet.

She was just in time for MackZ’s ‘Boom Boom’ solo, which I think was supposed to be an Ariana Grande ‘Bang Bang’ solo…but “Back seat of my car I’ll let you have it” doesn’t really make sense when you’re doing circular handstands, if you know whaddimean.

Back in the makeup room, the Moms tried to figure out what took Abby so long to get to the venue.  Something about traffic and court dates and the usual roundabout non-answer answers.  She’s getting pretty good at that.

And then I rolled on my remote and was suddenly watching CNN.  And they were interviewing a little muslim girl in a burqa.  I swear.  She was right there.

At first I was all like That’s a cute little muslim girl in a burqa.  Where’d my remote go?”  

And then I was all like “Why is that CNN anchor putting fake eye lashes on that little muslim girl in a burqa?  Is that a thing now?”

And then I realized it was JoJo in a burqa and I was all like…

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(Special thanks to @SnarkyBot for letting me plagiarize his plagiarized gif.)

I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole thing.  But again, wrong blog for this.  They’d catch flak for NOT including a little girl in a burqa, probably more so than for including her in a diversity themed dance.  The point was to show different religions expressing different beliefs, but still being able to come together as one.

Plus they only have six kids on the payroll.

So again…take it to the chat rooms.

On the other hand, Kira and Jill were pretty excited that JoJo couldn’t talk, so in an oddly ironic religious moment, all our prayers were answered.

Don’t you worry, tho.  There were plenty of other religious costumes to keep the chat rooms buzzing.  MackZ was even dressed up as the tiniest Nun I’ve ever seen.  Even the Flying One was bigger.

Note to our Catholic school friends:  Only the cool nuns BeDazzle their habits, so don’t expect to see that when you walk into homeroom.  Lower your expectations, please.

The group number came off much better on stage than it had back at the ALDC, but unfortunately the new and the old girls were still to new and old to mesh perfectly.  They did great, and Sasha Nia killed it with another Spoken Word routine.  But the judges only gave them Second Place.

Which is the First Loser, as you’ll recall.

Hey.  Was that Melanie in the audience?  Another AUDC alum?  Haley Huelsman‘s Mom?  Nobody else in America has that hair.  I think it was her.  Hey, girl.

Side note:  True Story.  When Melanie was in Boston for a dance recital, she walked right past me in the food court with some crazy a** sparkeld-up denim Mom jeans and knocked over my diet Coke with her massive handbag.

Never even offered to clean it up or pay for it.

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Granted, she didn’t actually know that she did it because she was too busy yakking it up with her posse.  But still.  It’s the principle of the thing.  And it’s a true story.

She owes me $1.89.  Plus tax.

When it was over, Sarah took First Place in her Mini Bite-Sized solo division.  See?  Told you so.  Trophies are way better than tears, honey.  Now go to the back of the bus and wipe your nose.

JoJo took home Third Place for her high voltage ‘Electricity’ routine, while MackZ Boom Boomed herself right into First Place.  We finally got her out of that Bumblebee costume, now we just gotta get her out of those circus handstands.

But coming in Second for the ALDC is not acceptable.  At least in Abby’s book, so the whole thing collapsed pretty quickly backstage.  Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with Second Place.  It makes you stronger and gives you incentive to get better and better and apply yourself to succeed and improve on what you’re already good at.

I just can’t get Abby to agree.  Which in turn always gets all the Moms worked up.  To the point where Jessalynn even talked a little smack about kids while kids were still in the room, which is a No-Go ever since Kelly slapped the TMZ right outta Abby last season.

Yikes.

So all the Moms went at it one last time, until only Holly and Jessalynn were left standing.

And who do you think won that one?  Any money on my girl?

Don’t be fooled by the PhDs that I got.  I’m still, I’m still Holly from the Block.

Love her.

Bronx Cheer, everyone.

See you next week.

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Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Loses A New Rider When Another One Bites The Dust In Sunny Orlando.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

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I’m not telling y’all what to do, but if I were you I’d have a seat cuz Miss Maya ’bout to get real.

 

 

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I swear if this kid gets ice cream on the back of my head after 2 hours of flat ironing, I’ll lose it.

 

 

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That one over there is Sassy, the other one is either Snobby or Stretchy and I’m just plain Over It.

 

 

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I even told them all I’d bring my own wardrobe. Nothing. Dancing With The Stars sucks.

 

 

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How the f@*! did those little kids all get Louis Vuitton bags? Aren’t they like 5 years old?

 

 

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I swear if this kid takes one more picture of my Poof Imma take it out and beat her with it.

 

 

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If I were you, I’d be more worried about that guy creeping us from behind the wall back there.

 

 

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I speak to all of you. And I say “I told you so, mmkay? Boom.”

 

 

 

 

Wait.  What?

Nationals are coming up already?

No way.  I had no idea.

That’s what Abby Lee Miller has been screaming about every 30 seconds for the last four episodes of Dance Moms?  Nationals?  Really?  That’s where this Road leads?

I really need to start paying more attention.  Or stop muting my television every time somebody starts yelling on this show.  Because I almost missed the newsflash.

Nationals are coming.

But you probably already knew that, unless you’ve been living under a rock or down inside one of those massive ALDC parking lot potholes.  And Nationals means that every little dancer needs to straighten their knees, point their toes and step up their game if they want to earn a spot at…you know…Nationals.

Because they’re coming.

It also means that every second counts when you’re on the Road to Nationals, so Abby didn’t waste any time getting right to the Pyramid of Shame as soon as we all finished Living On The Dance Floor.

And speaking of.  When is Lifetime going to start pixelating out Kelly and her kids’ faces from the opening credits?  Not that I don’t love seeing them every week (…hollah at my gurlz!…) but it always gets my hopes up thinking that this week there’s finally going to be some surprise visit from the Hyland legal team or something.h2

Plus, you tell me that every New Mom on the New Team isn’t back home scotch taping their own face over Kelly’s just to see what it would look like to finally have a full season contract on a national television show.

Because you know they totally do that.   I would.  Maybe I even did already.

I bet my girl Tami even cuts out inappropriately tiny paper shorts for the full effect, because it’s straight up Booty Booty E’rrywhere with that one, I tell you.

Tami.  She’s crazy.  But she’s a hoot.

Unfortunately, the Pyramid didn’t get started quite as quickly as Abby had hoped it would.

The girls were all MIA because the Original Recipe Moms needed a moment alone with Ms. Miller to discuss the events that had taken place backstage in the middle of last week’s competition.

You remember.

It was that whole White Board of Doom thing that lead to a heated discussion about Respect where we observed Holly get quantitatively analytical (…see what I did there?…) right before she stood up to Abby and almost broke Twitter.

Nike:  Just Do It.

Crossing the Line:  Don’t Do It.  Ever.  At least not with Dr. Beyoncé‘s kid.

There was also the whole DidTheyPullTheNumberOrNot? scandal over last week’s ALDC Pyromaniac Match Dance, which I’m going to leave to the chat rooms because I’m not touching that controversy with a ten foot fire hose.

Abby did say that it was her prerogative to pull the number, which didn’t seem to phase the Moms but did make that Bobby Brown song stick in my head for the rest of the night. k

I don’t need permission.  Google it, kids.

This week, New Team Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah were back in the hizzle after a short hiatus.  Sarah Numero Dos.

This is the tall Sarah, not the little Sarah who can’t breath when you yell at her.  This is the other Sarah, who I swear had enough metal orthodontics in her mouth for at least two people.  Maybe she just has a bigger smile than I had back in my 7th grade retainer days, but I’m pretty sure she’s not getting through any TSA checkpoints until those things are pulled off with Craftsman pliers.

Side note:  Somebody on this show needs to figure out how to make all the girls’ head shots look like a triangle again or just stop calling this stupid thing a Pyramid, because once again it was just a straight line of pictures and kudos for Maddie in the middle.

(Wasn’t that the name of a TV show?)

Kinda hard to rate your dancers when they…I don’t know…didn’t actually dance, I guess.

This week, Abby was excited to announce that everyone would be headed to Orlando, Florida for the Dance Kids USA Competition.

But NO swimming.  NO sun.  NO fun.  Which is probably the exact opposite of how the tourism brochure would prefer someone describe the place.

Sarah scored an acrobatic ‘Sun Goddess’ solo.  Kendall would also be going solo with a regifting of Maddie’s ‘Fool Me Once I Kissed A Boy And I Hated It’ dance from last week.

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Same song.  More pressure.

And to once again celebrate 2014 as the International Year of the Nia, Abby handed Sasha FierceFrazier a Maya Angelou solo piece.  The same solo that Abby had dangled in front of Nia’s nose last week and then benched when that whole Holly thing got too loud.  A moving tribute piece to Maya Angelou.  With spoken words!

Which opened up that whole can o’ internet worms one mo’ time.

Once again, Nia was handed another ethnic piece.  Yes, she was given another one of those LaQuifaSitInTheBackOfTheBusWerkItWhat? type of routines that always makes Mom grind her back teeth.  But it’s also one of Nia’s strongest dance styles.

Girlfriend can definitely Werk.  It.

And honestly, I’m not really in the mood to pay out my hard earned money just to watch Mackenzie stand around in a Bumble Bee costume reading Hallmark cards.

So Nia was clearly the first choice to pay tribute to Maya.  But because Nia’s awesome.

That’s why.  Not the other reason.

I think Holly knew it.  And so did we.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls began rehearsing the ‘Seven Dancers’ group routine, which was based on some movie about ‘Seven Dwarfs.’

(I love when they’re legally prevented from saying the actual names of things.  Awkward.)

Except that there were only six girls dancing.  Which is less than seven.  I hope one didn’t get stuck in a mine shaft or something.  Because that would be sad.n1

Luckily, there were only six dwarfs until Even Newer-New Mom Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  Whoever they were, they were on their way from who knows where to Pittsburgh.  Lucky for Kate, she just happened to be sitting around the house watching her stories and packing a dance bag when Abby hit her up on her Sidekick at the last minute.

I know, right?  Sassy.

Since there was still a little tension between Holly and Abby, choreographers Gianna and James Washington took charge of Nia’s solo.  You could already tell it was going to be some good stuff.  James looks like somebody but I can’t figure out who.

Christi and Chloe had to scoot out for a few because Chloe needed to get an MRI on her foot.  In the movies, the Show Must Go On and you dance on crippled, bloody stubs until the curtain comes down and the crowd covers the stage in roses, but in the Real World you need to get that s*** checked out asap or you’ll be the only girl in junior high wearing those shoes you always see the Pope wearing when he knows he’ll be on his feet all day.

Abby wasn’t happy about them leaving, but Christi always puts her daughter first.  Dance second.  So there.  Call my cell if you need me even though I won’t answer.

Side note:  You know how much I hate the fake karaoke Made Famous by Madonna music they always have to use on these shows due to legal mumbo jumbo, right?  Well imagine how much I hate fake karaoke Dwarf Whistling.  Imagine it.

Seriously.  Just stay down in that damn coal mine hole if that’s how you’re gonna sing the song.  I’m not even kidding anymore.  You’re ruining my childhood.

With one day to go, Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  My MomCrush Jill pointed out that they must have driven all night in a snowstorm on an empty tank of gas with no heat just to get to the ALDC and dance a Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance, which may or may not have explained why Kayleigh’s Mom looked so tired.k1

D’oh.  That was just mean.  I apologize.

Apparently I won’t delete it.  But at least I’ll apologize for it.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Mama’s getting her MallMojo back.  From that bold tie-dye Pyramid ensemble to that orange florally silk thing (…was there even a bottom to that outfit?  Oooh, Gurl.  Ya nasty…) Kendall’s Mom was On.  It.  This.  Week.

Love her.  Are you listening to me Dancing With The Stars?

Make it happen, ABC, or I swear I’ll never GuyCry during The Bachelorette again.

Kendall’s solo rehearsal was looking good, even though she had the added pressure of duplicating Maddie’s solo while also trying not to get herself arrested for clearly stealing all of Kamryn Beck‘s glittery headbands when nobody was looking.

Totally saw that, honey.  #BringBackTheKiaKamster.

Side note:  Did someone think that they really needed to subtitle Kate saying ‘Hi’ when she showed up at the ALDC studio?  Really?  It’s not like she and Kayleigh just walked into the living room on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Abby also had the girls introduce themselves with their Dwarf names.  So there was that.

Basically, the next 40 minutes were the Old Moms picking on the New Moms and the New Mom picking on the Newer Mom.  Rinse & Repeat.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Candy Apples time!

Waymin.  Whaaa-?  What is that Ohio lady doing down there?

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Turns out that Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was coincidentally also in Florida working with Lady Killer Lucas Triana, so while our boy was off getting his hair gelled somewhere she and Mom Brigette hit up the Dance Kids competition to see if they could make Abby lose her nutty and snag some free swag in the lobby.

The short version:  Cathy poked Abby with a stick every chance she got from the minute the ALDC arrived at the venue to when they left for the airport in a cab.

Cathy was relentless.

She was also hanging out with a guy who I swear used to play guitar for Prince.

Srsly.  Did you see that dude tagging behind Cathy everywhere with his hair all shoved to one side?  What the what?  Some of Cathy’s fashion choices do appear to be circa 1999 now that you mention it, so…hmmm…

Side note:  Louis Vuitton bags.  Instead of Hello Kitty backpacks.  That is all.

Sarah’s solo went fairly well, even though her lips looked like she ate a packet of Pop Rocks backstage right before the music started.  And her nerves were a little shaky.  But for one of her first major ALDC gig I didn’t think it went that badly.

And then Nia hit the stage.  Hard.

She spoke to Maya Angelou and said ‘Goodbye’ for all of us.  And then Maya Angelou spoke to me and said ‘Slap Yo Mama,’ because it was THAT good.

Kendall did just as good, too.  It was a Maddie Dance, but she danced it like it was a Kendall Dance.  Because…der…she’s Kendall.  And that is just fine by me.  And Jill.

Side note:  I think the only thing Melissa actually said for the entire hour was something about how she recognized Kayleigh from the Open Call Auditions.  Which would have been like picking out your favorite ant in an ant farm there were so many kids in the hotel ballroom that day, but maybe Melissa has a better memory than I do.

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Her hair looked really nice this week.

Backstage, Kate was still sleepy, but she somehow managed to slam Sarah for her sloppy feet and some transitions which set up a short New vs. Newer cage match.

Then finally, at least according to the lawyers for the Walt Disney Company, seven dwarfs that were totally not Snow White‘s seven dwarfs hit the stage wearing hats that looked like those mesh bags ladies use to wash out their delicates after a long day of work.

I swear.  On their heads, Hi Ho.

And Vivi-Anne was in the audience and the angels sang.

Until Cathy poked Abby again.  Abby changed seats.  Cathy talked through the entire routine.  Brigette had a little Mean Girl thing going on, even though I know deep down she’s a sweetheart.

Peer Pressure:  The More You Know, kids.

And then the Awards kicked in, after a slight delay to get Melissa back in her seat.  Sit down, Mom.  You’re drunk.

Sarah took Fourth Place.  Kendall came in Second.

And, ahem…Miss Nia Frazier snatched that First Place trophy like a Boss.

And the crowd went wild.

Say it with me:  First.  Place.

#InternationalYearOfNia.  Just saying.

Holly even put down her PhD long enough to have a total Dance Mom Spazz Attack in her seat.  Proud ain’t the word, people.  Insane is.

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Even that Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance got First Place.  So never say never.

And then the whole thing just turned into one big, poorly edited S***Show.

Abby booted Kate and Kayleigh out the door.  And then Tracey, who had a little meltdown.

Tracey cried.  Sarah stood there in her lingerie HatBag all like What’sHappening? 

At some point Cathy and Brigette came into the makeup room and congratulated Abby on winning First Place with the stupidest dance routine in the history of dance routines.

And then, like any good 2am bar brawl, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways and sidewalks of Orlando as Abby went screeching after Cathy.

(I love the way Gianna always follows right by Abby’s side like she’s the one carrying the ALDC taser in her purse.  She never says anything, she just hustles.)

Cathy and Brigette and that PrinceGuy got all caught up in the editing and were in front of everyone and then behind everyone and then outside having a cigarette and then back inside behind Abby so many times it messed with my focus.

And can we talk about that mysterious big guy who kept lurking behind the wall the entire time?  Security?  Bouncer?  Janitor?  Orlando Perv?

Maybe I watch too much CNN, but when someone keeps watching you all day but doesn’t want to be on camera, that always makes me wish I had Gianna’s pocketbook with me.

It was classic Abby.  And that’s all that really mattered.

And now we’re one last step away from Nationals.

Because…you know…I hear they’re coming.

PS.  Hashtag:  You go, Nia.  You just go.

IntYearOfNia

Dance Moms: Tick…Tick…And Boom! The White Board Of Doom Just Turned Maddie’s Buddies Into Understudies.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

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So you really think it’s a good idea to do this right now? You do know who my mother is?

 

 

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I know, right? If you squint I totally look like Vanna White.

 

 

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Me? Just Grandma pillow fringe, some Spanx and a squirt of jerky juice. What are you wearing?

 

 

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Imma need one of you to hold my Ph.D. cuz Mama’s about to shut this thing down hard.

 

 

cnn

 

 

Forgot his costume at home, but I got a 3pack of Hanes and a crayon. Guess it’s time to MacGyver some warrior s***.

 

 

hf1

 

 

I told you NEVER shoot me from this side unless you want me going all Mariah on your a**.

 

 

mz

 

 

Can one of you stop yelling long enough to fix whatever’s going on with my hair right now?

 

 

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Srsly. If this chick doesn’t stop talking I’m going right over the back of this seat. Today is NOT the day, sister.

 

 

 

With apologies to the other Beyoncé

        Abby, can you handle this?

        I don’t think you can handle this.

Because like the song says…I don’t think you’re ready for this smack down.

I know I wasn’t.

Trust me on this one.  Don’t mess with Holly Frazier.

Just don’t.

If you’re pressed for time, that’s the short version of this week’s Dance Moms episode.

Thanks for stopping by.  Be sure to enjoy the rest of your day.

But if you’re sticking around for all the details, you’ll probably want to grab a snack and pop a B-12 or a couple of Stresstabs, because it’s gonna be a long one.

With only two competitions, a concert and a couple of recycled Director Cut edits to go before Nationals (…which you get to via that infamous Road to Nationals…) the tension was already on the rise inside the studio as the gang rolled in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Seriously tense.  To the point where you could almost peel it off everyone’s skin like that ratchet paint job on the outside of the ALDC building.

Which, if we weren’t so pressed for time and space this week, would open up a whole other ironic discussion on how Abby managed to criss cross the country on Lifetime’s dime rescuing every podunk studio in America but couldn’t find one painter on Craig’s List to fix up her own damn house.  Really?

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I’m being serious.  If that little pip squeak Sarah Hunt eats one flake of lead paint I’m calling Child Services and shutting this entire production down.

This week it was back to just the Original Recipe Moms and Daughters, minus the Hyland contingent, of course (…Holla back, gurlz.  We miss you!…) which made it much easier to keep everyone’s names straight once the drama really kicked into gear.

Because let’s be honest…after four seasons half the viewers probably still don’t know which Christi/Christ-y/Kristie is which until they start yelling at each other.

The Pyramid started out positively enough with a quick celebration of last week’s winning (…yet questionably maybe racist or maybe not depending on your chat room preferences…) Native American group routine.

Nia had proven that 2014 is still clearly the International Year of the Nia by killing the lead dancer spot in her big Village People headdress.  Even Abby gave her props, which made her get all smiley and do that shoulder thing she does when she gets all smiley.

And then Melissa and my MomCrush Jill did a quick palm-of-your-hand-on-your-mouth Indian Scalp ‘Um White Man Tomahawk Dance in the background that somebody probably should have pixelated out before Tuesday night, given all the recent controversy on ESPN.

Live and learn, I guess.  But since Jill only goes to football games so she can wear bulky sweaters and watch her daughter do cheerleading tumbles, I’m pretty sure that neither of them have even heard of the Washington Redskins.

And can we just pause here to properly acknowledge that the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch was totally on-point this week?

Because it was.  Dang, Miss V.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved seating for Kendall, Chloe and MackZ.  Nothing new to report there, except that having only five dancers on the clock clearly made it difficult for Abby to create an actual working Pyramid since Nia and Maddie ended up side by side above the other three girls.

mdSo naturally, I got all excited thinking that there was some kind of tie for the Top Spot, which there wasn’t, of course.  Maddie was on top again, even though she was really just to the left of Nia by about two inches.

Geometry and Dance were never my favorite subjects in school.  Let’s just leave it at that.

This week the Old Team would be headed to Wayne, NJ for another performance at the Sheer Talent Competition.  Just like the Candy Apples.

Yeah.  Those Candy Apples.  Here we go again.

Abby had some inside scoop (…those producers just can’t keep their mouths shut any more, can they?…) that Cathy would be bringing back Gino Cosculluela for a solo.

You remember Gino.  He’s that kid with the TV News Anchor forehead who gave Maddie her first BoyKiss during a duet a few weeks ago.  The duet that ended up sending her running from the studio in search of two tins of Altoids and a year of psychotherapy.

That duet.

I swear Gino and his Dad Mickey must live in their car, because all they do is zip back and forth between Ohio and Pittsburgh.  Can’t you just picture the trunk of their Mazda all full of school books and hair gel?

To compete against Gino and prove that he totally kisses like a little boy wearing braces, Maddie scored a ‘Fool Me Once’ solo.  Except that she might not even be around for the competition by the weekend, due to some mystery Miami Project that may or may not actually happen.

Or even exist.

It was a little vague.  But just to be safe, Abby pegged Chloe and Kendall as Maddie’s understudies.  That way, should Miss America no longer be able to fulfill her duties, some one else could step in and take over the role for the remainder of her reign.  Or something like that.

Side note:  Melissa made this face a lot this week…

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The group routine was entitled Playing With Matches.  Pretty self explanatory, even though Abby felt the need to point out that the girls would not actually be torching any buildings in New Jersey since that state already has enough problems.

We get it.  Mess with Abby, you get burned.

As the girls started flicking their Bics in the studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and quickly realized that Abby was crossing the line when it came to comparing all the girls to Maddie.  Enough already.

Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Why can’t any of you be like Maddie?  You’re not as good as Maddie.  Maddie is better than you.  Way better than you, actually.  Like Infinity & Beyond better.  That much better.  Which is a lot.

Holly was getting agitated.  Jill pointed out that the girls were looking defeated.  And Christi kept eating what appeared to be a box of those Goobers you get at the movies.  At least that’s what they looked like to me.  Girlfriend definitely had the munchies.

Everyone agreed that they should start keeping track of how many times Abby compared their child to Maddie, because that shizz just ain’t rite.  The Moms were at maximum capacity when it came to all this MaddieTalk.  Over.  It.

(Except maybe Melissa, of course.  Who I always feel bad for when this kind of thing starts happening.  She gets all squinty like there’s dust under her contact lens.  We love her.)

And then Holly started using Big Words.

Holly:  “We need a Quantitative Analysis.”

Christi:  “You mean, like a chart?”

Thank you for dumbing it down for the rest of us, honey.  Not everyone can afford Harvard.

Apparently there’s an App for That, because Christi immediately whipped out her iPhone and started tracking how many times Abby said the word ‘Maddie.’  So basically, what you’re telling me is that Apple can help you chart how many times your child is humiliated on national television but can’t get my f***ing mail down from the Cloud.  Nice.

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The next day, it got even better.

Jill showed up with one of those gigantic white boards that you always see in the deli when cheese goes on sale.  The kind of board that only comes clean with that special spray from Staples that smells like nail polish remover?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  No?

Have you ever accidentally pushed the wrong buttons on your remote and ended up on that cable public access channel where the guy is doing math in non-HD?

One…who watches that?  And two…he uses the same white board.

(Weekly Kamryn Beck-ism:  I bet she uses one in her bedroom when she’s calculating something that us normal, non-glitter headband wearing types will never understand.  Where has she been lately, anyway? #BringBackTheKiaKamster.)

The next 90 minutes or so were taken up with Abby yelling and screaming at everyone in the studio (…except Maddie, duh…) while Jill stood up in the Perch ticking off hash marks like she was counting down the days until her parole hearing.

It kind of looked like a cattle auctioneer and the final round of Wheel of Fortune and that lady score keeper from the Summer Olympics who couldn’t speak English all rolled into one.  I forget if I already knew that Jill was left handed or not, but it certainly explained all the bling on the right one every week.

There was also some drama with Abby and Gia trying to figure out what that white board was all about, even though all I really wanted to know was why Jill carries around a tripod easel and dry erase markers in her SUV.  Who does that?

If you watch South Park then you also got a pretty good chuckle when Abby said “Respect My Authority!”  My Authoritaaaaah!  

Hilarious.  But I guess if you don’t know who Cartman is then I just wasted your time.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Meltdown Time!

But first…

That little 12 year old bride having a complete spaz when the ALDC bus pulled into town.

That one right there.

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What the what with that kid?  Did she just get left at the playground altar or something?  Please tell me you saw that.  Buying the complete Season Four box set at full price is gonna be worth that 5 seconds of your life.  I promise.

(Spoiler Alert:  12 year old bride.  Hold that thought.)

As Abby and Company filed into the high school venue, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had somehow commandeered the front office and was squawking over the P.A. system like today was Fish Stick Day.

(Monday morning when the janitor opens the supply closet looking for those little urinal cakes, you know the principal is gonna fall out on the floor all terrorized with an apple duct taped in his mouth.  You just know it.)

Back in the makeup room, Jill wanted to know why all three girls couldn’t do the same solo in the competition.

Did I forget to say that Maddie didn’t go to Miami and was there with the ALDC?  My bad.

They also brought the deli board with them.  Because why not?

Flashback:  Even though Abby had previously put two girls into a competition doing the exact same routine before, somehow the rules were different in Jersey.  So it wasn’t gonna happen.  No other solos besides Maddie’s.  And no trio with a bunch of Maddie wannabe understudies bumping into each other and bringing down the scores.

And then Gino danced in his underwear.   I swear.

I think Gino is da bomb.  And a total playa just like Lady Killer Lucas Triana.  But I’m not putting Gino’s photo in this recap or I’ll end up on some government Offender Watch List somewhere.  Uncomfortable much?

Let’s just say that Cathy certainly saved money by cheaping out on costumes this week.

He rocked his solo, though.  And gave me some great moves to use the next time I BathroomDance in my tighties.

If I did that kind of thing, I mean.  Please.  I’m focused in the morning.m

Maddie was up next with her I Kissed A Boy And Hated It two step.  Abby couldn’t find anything wrong with the dance and Jill had to switch to a new dry erase marker because the old one ran out of ink.

And then it all went downtown.

Holly tried to explain to Abby what the board represented (…an ‘Observable’ for all you scientific MIT types…) but Abby wasn’t buying what Dr. Beyoncé was selling.

I can’t really even do it justice, but basically Holly stood loud and proud for all the other girls, past and present, that Abby continually beat down with her Maddie Mallet.

And it got real.

The ticks on the board represented disrespect.  And it was a big a** board, BTW.

Disrespect!  For Nia.  For Kendall.  For Chloe.  Even for MackZ, yo.

And then suddenly Abby announced some big Maya Angelou (…in an afro wig, no doubt…) extravaganza for Nia next week that nobody had even heard of up until this moment, but was now being benched because Holly had just confronted her in front of the other Moms like a Boss.

Nobody would know Nia if it weren’t for Abby Lee Miller.  You’re a grown woman taking it out on a kid.  You’re a baby.  Where’s the baby?  There’s a baby!  Got your nose.

Nia’s 12.  She’s not a kid.

She can have babies and get married in some countries.

Stop.  Stahhhp.

What.  Just.  Happened?

Melissa’s dirty contact literally popped right out of her head as Holly stormed out the door.  You’re ugly.  What you say is ugly.  And you just crossed the line.

Truth.

I don’t know where the Moms actually go when they storm out of a room.  They never take their purse or bus ticket, so I know they’re not getting very far.  But all the other Moms ran after Holly to make sure she was ok and didn’t assault that camera guy who was all up in her face like it was some Jersey Housewives Reunion.

Dude.  Back it up a few.  Mama is not in the mood.hf

Even Melissa tore down the hall, because at the end of the day, Friendship and Support is how they all roll even when they’re losing their nutty on each other.

(In case anyone cares, I also got up off the couch, put on my big hat and testified to Holly for Keeping It Real and saying what all the other Moms have been feeling for so long.)

Eventually everyone made it back into the auditorium to watch the Candy Apples bust out their group dance tribute to The Fault In Our Stars.  Cathy even gave the little girl one of those oxygen nose plug things like in the movie, but thankfully decided against the kids all dragging IV bags around the stage.  Probably a safety issue.

Not gonna lie, though.  The ALDC Moms could probably have used some of that purified oxygen by the time they found out that Abby pulled the group routine from the competition.

Because that’s what she did, just as they were about ready to hit the stage in their Li’l Abner acid wash denim overalls.

Side note:  Overalls are never an option.  Ever.  I would have cut the number just for the Farmer Pants.

Needless to say, backstage was not much fun after that move.

Holly and Abby went a few more rounds but Abby wasn’t even listening.  It was Her Way, or No Way.

It got heated.

How much is too much when it comes to taking somebody’s crap?  Melissa was obviously caught in the middle.  Jill and Christi sat in the choir getting all like MmmHmm while Holly ground her back teeth into chalk dust.

Aretha even stuck her head in the door and said R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  The Queen of Soul.

And then it was Abby’s turn to storm out of the room with one last zinger, leaving Holly and the other Moms to decide if this was even the right place for them anymore.

Holly:  “Get Some Class.”

Me:  “This is probably why they say never poke a bear cub while the Mom is standing right there in front of you spitting Big Words and dripping foam from her mouth.”  

And then I did my celebratory HollyDance.

Which is way different than my BathroomDance, FYI.

Oh, yeah.

Don’tchoo be touching the babies.

Not while Mama’s in the house.

Tick.  Tick.

And Boom.

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