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I miss Honey Boo Boo Child.

That’s right.  I said it.  I own it.

I miss everyone’s favorite Redneck Pageant Princess.

Especially during the Holidays, when we should all be together.

Or the HOLLAdays, as they like to call it down at the Bingo lodge.

Yes.  I know all the Boo Boos are coming back soon.  TLC is getting ready to roll out four special Dolla Make Me HOLLAday episodes beginning in January.  And yes, I’m already stocking up on cheese balls and ribs.  I’m anticipating an apocalyptic run on Redneck snacks the first night, so I’m doing some June-worthy hoarding before the Big Event, just in case.

But when you’re suffering from Redneck ‘drawals, January is still a long way away, ya’ll.

I need me some Boo.  Now.

Luckily, Smiley’s Flea Market and Yard Sale in Macon, Georgia came to my rescue with the Official Honey Boo Boo Family Portrait this past weekend.

After spending some quality time snooping around for pageant props and other randomness, Momma June, Sugar Bear, Chickadee, Pumpkin, Chubbs and little Baby Kaitlyn Elizabeth all plopped down in front of one of those Kmart-like pull down screens, smiled for the camera and showed The Kardashians how it’s supposed to be done.  Take that, Khloé.

No photoshopping in MIA family members for the Boo Boo Clan, thank you very much.

The family is also giving back in a big way again, just as they did last summer.

In lieu of train track warning lights to prevent an Acela business coach from plowing into the side of their house, the gang has once again blindingly decorated their home for the holidays and is running toy drives each night for donations in support of Wilco For Kids.

Sugar Bear happily gets himself all decked out in that now infamous smelly Santa Suit and poses for photos with children and/or Go-Go Juice Groupies each night, and the amount of toys and supplies they have already recieved is impressive.

Alana’s Facebook page even keeps you updated on weather reports and lighting schedules, just like Rockefeller Center.

Baby Kaitlyn totally gives all this Holiday Spirit three thumbs up.

And for those of you who want to get a jump on clearing DVR space, here you go…

Halloween Special…Sunday, January 6 @ 9pm

Thanksgiving Special…Sunday, January 13 @ 9pm

Best Of Clip Show…Sunday, February 10 @ 8pm

Christmas Special…Sunday, February 17 @ 8pm

Everything is EST and, of course, subject to last minute changes.

Because I’m not the TV Guide Channel…and Honey Boo Boo Badger don’t give a s***.

Happy Holladays.

Trick or Treat.

Pretty Feet.

It’s Halloween time.  The biggest head rush holiday of the year.  And nothing says “Gimme Sugar” like a little touch of Toddlers & Tiaras.

If you’re still scrambling inside your closets or digging through a pile of costumes on the floor at Walmart (…seriously?  Is it really that difficult to put the thing back on the peg where it came from, lady? Get your kids under control…) I felt it was my civic duty to inspire you to embrace your own potential Glitz Greatness.

Even celebs Redneckognize the power of…well…Pageant Power.

That’s right.  Now that Honey Boo Boo Child has successfully completed Phase One of her world domination, there ain’t no stopping them Toddlers (…or their Moms…) y’all.

Hope the neighbors are stocking up on pixie stix and cheese balls for the big day, because an army of cupcake dresses are about to invade the neighborhood.  And they’re looking for more recruits.

So spray it, tease it, bling it…and bring it, bitches.

Happy Halloween.

I’ve said it before, and it bears repeating.

Sometimes I love this stuff way too much.  Especially when the stars align just right and the Reality Gods start the week off by dropping a big one right on your head.

Today was one of those days.  And it was a little slice of Hot Mess Heaven.

Anderson Cooper kicked off Season 2 of his revamped Anderson Live in true Redneck Style, all highlighted with bronzer, innuendo and a whole lot of incoherence.

I mean, come on.  Does it get any better?

Considering the gossipy summer that our boy AC just endured, if your first new show starts out with “Oh, Anderson…you know you love the Slurpees,” then…well…you’re talking my kind of smack.  It was all the things I love in one sloppily wrapped package.

Anderson Cooper.  Honey Boo Boo Child.  Mama June.  Tan Mom.  Crazy faces.

Seriously.  Just pinch me.

With co-host Kristin Chenoweth all freshly revived from her recent on-set unconsciousness and ditzy as ever, Anderson mixed up a big glass of Go Go Juice and in his best none-CNN voice got us up to speed on Honey Boo Boo Child and all that delightful Redneckosity that we’ve been obsessing over since he last gave Pageant Moms the Pageant Treatment.

Because Alana had to scoot off to school (…I know, right? Yeah…she goes to school, people…) she and Mama June Shannon had to call this one in remotely, which pretty much guaranteed that little Boo Boo would blast off into SpazOrbit as soon as the camera monitor light flickered red.

And she did.

So not only were we distracted by Mom wearing makeup and a smokey eye (…take a moment to process that one if necessary, because she was rockin’ it…) but now we had Alana gettin’ all sassified on Skype while everyone in the studio tried to figure out what the F*** was in her OJ this morning.

Whatever it was, I want some.

To paraphrase Kristin…if you’re gonna be a Mess, be a good Mess.

Testify.  And Redneckognize yourself the power of Honey Boo Boo Child.

Since this was my lucky day, no sooner did we digest our Honey Boo Boo cereal than in wobbled UVA-List celeb Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil and her enabling husband, Rich.

I’m not even sure what happened after the introduction.  And neither was Anderson, who clearly has the best WTF face in all of television today.

Tan Mom rambled on and on about this and that and flipped her lengthy Jersey claws so close to Anderson’s face that I was afraid she would ruin his HD career in one nervous swipe.  String together a full sentence and spit it out, honey.

The ongoing legal battle over whether she did or did not take her daughter into the tanning bed all those many months ago is still in limbo.  But that hasn’t prevented Tan Mom from milking her 15 minutes like they were the last quarter hour on a tanning package about to expire at the end of the month.

She’s been everywhere lately.  Most infamously at a Drag Show where she fell down a couple hundred times and showed us that yes…she does indeed wear underwear and like her cocktails.  Allegedly.

Tanning, it seems, was just a hobby for Patty.  Much like scrapbooking or collecting butterflies or golf I guess, which allowed her to get out of the house and…then…well, people…it’s…they don’t…she…orange lights and it….I would never…painted facade…

Well, I’ll just let her explain.

Yeah.  What she said.

Insert your own WTF face right here ____________.

And then have a Slurpee on me.  You know you want one.