Posts Tagged ‘Honey Boo Boo Child Sister Lauryn (“Pumpkin”)’

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: It’s All Aboard The Biscuit Express For A Super-Sized Redneck Finale. Poodles, Pageants & Pigs…Three Thumbs Up!

Friday, September 28th, 2012

 

 

Sometimes it takes a Village. Other times it just takes Aviator shades and a casual evening gown. Werk.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, hey now girls. Haters gonna hate.

 

 

 

 

 

Mama, I don’t feel so fresh. It’s hotter than Poodle balls out here, and Boo Boo ain’t liking it one bit.

 

 

 

 

 

Oooh! Get it off get it off get it off get it off get it off get it off!

 

 

 

 

 

And that’s what I think about humidity and table manners. I’m good without either, thank you.

 

 

 

 

This week on “Keeping Up With The Kuntry Stoe Kardashians…”

 

 

And I quote.  Sort of.

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.

And then all The Boos down in Booville will all cry “Honey Boo Hoo.”

The End.  

That’s right.  It was a sad day in Booville, Georgia this week as the first butt scratchin’ season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo came to a mud splashed, cheese ball coated close after gracing our televisions for much too short a time.

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you better Redneckognize that Pageant Princess Alana Thompson and her sneezin’, wheezin’, finger pullin’ family are now part of Pop Culture vernacular.  Forever.  And there is no way to escape them if you own a television or a wi-fi router.  No way.

Because Honey Boo Boo is here to stay.

And what better way to immortalize all that Redneckulousness for future generations than with a family portrait, right?  So it was off to a Boat Landing/Rock Climbing looking place for some paparazzi practice.

First order of business this week was gathering all the Boo Boos together for a photo shoot on what turned out to be a Triple H summer scorcher of a day.

Since it has already been well documented that Mama June is not a big fan of the hazy, hot & humid trifecta, you can only imagine how well she was handling all those sticky H’s in her Sunday best.

All dolled up in fancy Mall makeup and an up ‘do, June actually cleaned up pretty nicely, all things considered.  She liked to call it “a little paint on the barn” as it were, but in the middle of a summer heatwave we all know how long it takes paint to dry on a barn.  And don’t even get me started on how it tends to pool up between the shingles, because we’ve all been there during a weekend home improvement project gone horribly wrong.

You know something ain’t right between the siding and the insulation, but you’re afraid to lift it up and look underneath because it might start running and leave a streak that won’t come out without a sanding belt.  So you just walk away and hope that it will eventually dry to a smooth finish.

It was like that.  But more humid.

Photographer Tammie Graham, who as of today is most likely sharing a Freshman triple dorm room at Insane Asylum University with Miss Georgia 2011 and the Etiquette Lady who melted down during a lesson in Boo Boo table manners, had somehow found herself in charge of rustling up all the scattered family members and getting at least one decent shot with her Pentax.

Everyone was hot.  Everyone was cranky.  Everyone was yelling at everyone else.

And Tammie was getting so hot and bothered that I was afraid she might overexpose her film canister before she managed to even score a single 8 x 10.

Alana kept rubbing her face until she looked like Carol Burnett back when she played that crazy a** silent movie star with the black eyeliner, while Pumpkin worked the camera lens like she was Tyra.  Mama spilled her water bottle all over the barn siding and Sugar Bear put on pants.  Not his funeral pants.  Just pants.

After rock climbing, sitting in mud and Mama taking a bath in her own sweat, Tammie finally got enough photos to keep everyone happy and then either left or 4-wheeled off the dock.  I’m not sure where she went.  She just kind of disappeared with her wet bangs all stuck to her face and her eyes bugging out of her head.

Godspeed, Tammie.

Back at Casa Boo Boo, Mama and Alana began packing for the upcoming Beach Beauties Pageant.  Honey Boo Boo Child was hitting the Pageant Circuit one last time before school started, and she was definitely looking to Holla for a few more Dollas.

Unfortunately, a summer full of sketti and BBQ orgies had left Alana with both a dress and a bathing suit that she could barely pull over her head.  Mama had already hooked her up with a new cupcake dress, and now it was time to try on her new swimwear which had come safely delivered all crammed up inside a crumpled postal priority envelope.

If it fits, it ships.  If it don’t, we make it fit.  And then it ships.

Thank you Lane Bryant, for now offering your swimwear in shrinky dink baby size ranges.  That’s the only vendor that could have shipped that thing.  Seriously.

Alana looked adorbz in the outfit, and it was a really eye catching cobalt blue for you fashionistas…but there was a whole lot of belly poking out of that swing coat looking top.

A lot o’ belly.  Like more than two handfuls.

But she looooooved it.  And I loooooove me some Boo Boo.

So stick it in the plastic bin and let’s get going here, people.

Or not.

Hold that thought, because Chickadee was having contractions.  Real ones this time.  Real enough to make her realize that maybe this whole Teen Mom baby thang was actually going to happen while she was still a teenager.

Not taking any chances, everyone pried the bag of snacks out of her hands, hoisted her dead weight off the couch and headed to the hospital to pop out some baby.

Special delivery on the Biscuit Express, as Alana anatomically explained.

You know when you slam one of those Pillsbury Doughboy tubes on the counter that was either in the refrigerator too long or not long enough, but you don’t slam it hard enough and just a little blob of goo squirts out and sticks to your fingers?  And then you have to keep slamming and yanking and slamming and poking until it’s all out and finally ends up on the tray?

Yeah.  That Biscuit Express.

Enjoy your next brunch.

Three hours, 6 pounds, 2 ounces and three thumbs later…baby Kaitlyn Elizabeth was officially biscuit-free.

Hold up.  What was that, you ask?

Not the 6 pounds part?  The other part?  The thumbs part?

It’s true.  As Mama explained, baby Kaitlyn was highly evolved.  So highly evolved that she had three thumbs.  One on the left, one on the right, and as a special parting gift…one more on the right.

She was a cute little peanut with what kind of looked like a can opener where her thumb (singular) should have been.  Or a Swiss Army knife, if you ask Shugie.

But if we’ve learned anything at all from this amazing family, it’s that it don’t matter none.

Family is family.  They love her.  She loves them.  Or at least she will when both eyes start going in the same direction, and there’s nothing more important than family.  Alana probably broke it down best when she stated that it was just one more person to love.

Gah.  I love these Boo Boos.

Looking past all the Redneckulosity, they really do get their point across.  Three thumbs up for being real.  And a High Six.

Auntie Chubbs wasn’t a big fan of new baby smell after taking a whiff.  It wasn’t totally “biscuit bad” as she explained, but still not pleasing to her finely tuned cheese ball nose.

One…thanks for ruining almost an entire food group for me with one sentence.  And two…you put a wet crescent roll on your head for 9 months and then tell me how that all works out for you.

Needless to say, the Biscuit Express pulled into (…out of?…) the station around the same time that Alana was supposed to be at her Lane Bryant Pageant, so she had to miss the entire event.  But she was ok with it, because bringing the estrogen count up to 6 in that one tiny house was all worth it as far as she was concerned.

Luckily, Mama found another pageant…but it was in two days.  Yowza!

That meant it was time to get serious and call in the Pageant Cavalry to save the day.

The Poodle Pageant Cavalry, that is.  Fueled by Chicken Nuggets and Rainbow Power.

Uncle Poodle!

Sugar Bear’s faaaabulous brother had moved back into town and was on his way over, with hopefully ample sass and fruit in his tank to help Alana get her mojo back.

Arriving with enough fanfare to make up for not actually riding in on a float, everyone’s favorite Gay Redneck Uncle was more than happy to come up with an impromptu pretty feet routine on the spot.

Like any good Gay Redneck Uncle should do.  Der.

Poodle is a hoot.

And let me tell you.  Jazz Hands ain’t got nuthin on Poodle Paws as Lee worked his invisible cupcake dress and Timberland boots like a pro, all against a backdrop of 365 days a year icicle lights and an air conditioner that I swore was going to fall out of the window before he even got to his finger kisses.

Werk it, Girlfriend.

Somewhere between the lesson on eye contact and popping your hip, Alana attempted a cartwheel and then the whole thing just collapsed into a grass fight.  Apparently the Boo Boos are not big on bagging their lawn clippings, because there was enough clumped up artillery on the ground for Alana, P-Diddy Poodle and Pumpkin to go full on War Games on each other’s heads.

It was clear that Uncle P would not have worn his good striped polo shirt if he had known that he was going to participate in a grass fight, because you would have sworn Alana was launching live nukes at his logo embroidery the way he was screaming in the front yard.

Yeah.  It got a little gay.

But not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Not at all.  Even Alana explained that everyone is a little gay.

But it was grass.  Not acid, dude.

After Uncle Poodle stuffed a ginormous wad of lawnmower cud down the back of Pumpkin’s pants, the rest of the fight was pretty anticlimactic, so they finished up and got ready for Pageant Day.

Finally, it was time for The Sparkle & Shine Pageant!

For all you Toddlers & Tiaras groupies it was just what you would expect, though the venue itself was a little odd.  After years of Ramada Inn ballrooms with miles of empty chairs, this joint was part barn dance and part church pew as far as I could tell.  Or maybe a community center where they argue about librarian salaries.  I don’t know.  I wasn’t really paying attention.  My bad.

But the whole Boo Boo gang was there to cheer on Alana.  Even Baby Three Thumb, who pretty much slept through the whole thing while sucking on a variety of appendages.

Mama June belted out her signature “Work it Smoochie!” howl while Uncle Poodle sat back and envied Alana’s outfits.

(He did, however, clarify that his ensemble would be much more of a casual evening gown type of number.  Good to know.)

Did I already mention that he is a hoot?

Since this wasn’t a real T&T episode, the pageant part was fairly insignificant and we barely saw the action, though I did manage a glimpse at that crazy eyed, overly spray tanned male judge who always cracks me up.  That guy is IN TO his job, and totally reminds me of those shaky little lap dogs who never blink.

Alana scored 2nd Runner-up which meant that she still has yet to win the Big One.  Kind of sad.  More importantly this time around though, she won the People’s Choice Award which is chosen by the…duh…figure it out.  I gave you a big clue.

At the award ceremony, Alana got a special surprise when Uncle Poodle brought Glitzy the Pig up on stage to congratulate her, which was a nice gesture until you realized that it meant she would have her favorite pet yanked from her grip for a second time and sent back to the breeder.

 A little odd.  And a little gay.

The pig, that is.  But we already knew that when he got measured for a boy pig dress a few weeks ago.

And then it was over.  The whole season.

With just enough time for some Yoda wisdom from June.

It was a crazy summer.  A great summer.  All about fun and family.  Living and loving.

Accepting and couponing.  Mud fights and Bingo nights.

And eating.  Lots of eating.

It’s a little gay and a whole lot of Redneck.

Love ‘em or hate ‘em.  June summed it all up for us before heading down the tracks…

It is what it is.

Honey Boo Boo Style: Redneck Line Dancing Gets The Korean Mash-Up. Put On Your Boogie Shoes Cuz It’s Honey Boo Boo vs. Gangnam Style!

Sunday, September 23rd, 2012

It’s kind of like your favorite Korean restaurant just started serving Roadkill.

Delightfully unexpected, yet tasty. Chewy meat with a boogie beat.

Considering that internet sensation Park Jae-sangPSY to all us hipsters…only released his viral dance tune “Gangnam Style” in July of this year, it’s pretty darn amazing that he is already a world-wide sensation.

The “Most Liked” video in the history of youtube with over 257 million hits as of today, you can barely flip a channel without grinding into PSY doing that dirty pony riding cowboy lasso looking thang.

Saturday Night Live. Ellen. The Today Show.

Seems like everybody’s doing it Gangnam Style.  The same industry people who sniffed out Justin Bieber on youtube have even picked up PSY’s scent, and just the thought of the Biebs somehow musically meeting up with his Korean counterpart nearly caused an internet meltdown when it was first announced.

How could it possibly get any better than this, you ask?

Add some Go-Go Juice.  Cuz that s*** makes everything better.

Just ask Alana.

Honey Boo Boo Child is going Gangnam in the ultimate Korean Redneck ReMix.  It’s like someone took everything inside my head and made a music video.  All my latest obsessions brilliantly mixed together until they’re as smooth as butter and ketchup.

It’s like Korean Sketti.  That you can dance to.

Oppa Gangnam Style.

Y’all.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Y’All Better Blow Your Nose And Dab Your Cards, Because Bingo Ain’t Nuthin To Sneeze About. Ah-Choo Boo Boo!

Thursday, September 20th, 2012

 

 

I either need me some new glasses from the Piggly Wiggly, or that’s Mario Lopez playing Bingo behind me. Stay cool, June Bug.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. I don’t know what’s in these markers, but it is some goooood s***. I could sniff this bad boy all day.

 

 

 

 

I got me my lucky watermelon and some Orange Fanta. Daddy’s bringing home some cash tonight, bitches.

 

 

 

 

No, really. It even tastes like Glitter and Cherry Jell-O. This shizzle is off the hook. Gimme some more cards and keep ‘em comin’, boys. Boo Boo likes.

 

 

 

 

This is my ‘Bingo Face.’ It’s also my ‘What’s That Smell Face’ and my ‘I Don’t Even Remember Eating That Face.’

 

 

 

 

Forget the RNC. Looks like even Wednesday Bingo Night takes a hit when Honey Boo Boo Child is on TV.

 

 

 

There is definitely something in the air in Georgia.

I don’t know if it’s pollen, Amtrak exhaust or smoke from that BBQ Shack with all the pig memorabilia.

But whatever it is, it’s making everyone sneeze.  And eat.

A lot.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was back for another Redneckulous episode and as a TLC public service announcement, it would have been nice if the whole thing had come with some sort of Kleenex disclaimer during the opening credits.

By now, we already know that sitting through an entire episode pretty much requires a pack of Wet-Naps and a fresh flip top of floss at the finish line.  That’s no news flash.

Even the sneezes aren’t really anything new.

But this week we were treated to the kind of industrial-sized honks and woogies that would make any Coupon Queen proud, as whatever it is that’s floating in that thick Georgia air claimed a few more victims.

With only a week or so left before Alana‘s big pageant, it was time to get serious.  In preparation for the competition, Mama June had already bought a new BeDazzled cupcake dress and hooked Honey Boo Boo Child up with that crazy lady with the matching crazy a** striped hair from Deevas Dance Studio.  So now it was on to a makeup tutorial.

Always the budgeting penny pincher, June knew that between the new dress, that crazy a** hair lady and pageant entry fees that this was going to cost a good chunk of change to get Alana on the stage.  So saving some dinero wherever she could was key.

And since most pageant organizations now frown on bartering for their services with a Ford truck cab full of Brawny paper towels, it was clear that June was going to have to learn how to do Alana’s makeup on her own.  Cutting out a hired hair and makeup person could not only save upwards of $400, but it would also free up some elbow room in those congested hotel suites as everyone goes into panic mode four minutes before their age group is called.

Did I just say upwards of $400?  To do a 7 year old’s makeup?

Shut.  Up.  Seriously.  If I wasn’t worried about getting pegged as a perv or having to explain where I go every weekend and why I have so many little Ramada soaps, I would totally be downtown right now banging on the front door of CVS until the overnight cleaning crew let me inside to bag some Revlon and Aqua Net.  $400?  Sign me up.

Sparkle, baby.  And get that lipstick off your flipper.  My bad.

So it was off to the Style Salon for the Boo Boo girls and Mama, where Jennifer Garner was going to show them how to get Alana all Beautimous.

I know, right?  Jennifer Garner!  Do you think Ben Affleck‘s baby might be there in the chair next to Boo Boo?  I’m so excited.

Psych.  Wrong Jennifer Garner.

I guess the first clue should have been the outside of the building, that looked like either a holding cell where they stick you when the cops are stuck in traffic, or one of those after-hour clubs with no door knobs.

Second clue should have probably been the printed label wrapped around whatever meds you’re on that would ever make you think Jennifer Garner was going to be the one doing Honey Boo Boo Child’s makeup.

Like that’s ever gonna happen.

The Fake JG got right down to business on Alana’s face as June watched with that same kind of intensity you would have when your first pick up truck is getting detailed.  JG split Boo Boo’s face down the center and made her Super Modelicious on the left side and then handed the reigns to June.

Remember the episode of H. R. Puffnstuff when they kept screaming “MakeUP!!!” and then slamming a pillow case full of powder into Witchypoo‘s face over and over?

Yeah.  It was like that.  But worse.

(And hey…I heard that.  Maybe I’m not old enough to remember the show.  Maybe I just watched it on youtube for the first time this week, mmmkay?  Don’t be hatin’, bitches.)

By the time June finished tagging Alana’s right side with what appeared to be either gangstah symbols or an homage to that guy in KISS who has the star on one eyeball, it was a hot mess.  Guess she better start bankrolling another $400 and hit me up on my Sidekick.

Since it was clear that a hair and makeup person was now in their future, June and Sugar Bear took all the Boo Boos down to the VFW Hall for Wednesday Bingo Night, in an attempt at scoring the $1000 prize.

If we learned anything from the entire Republican National Convention caving in under the sheer weight of Redneck Power this month, it’s that nobody wants to do anything on a Wednesday night except watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  Not even hardcore BingoHeads.

The place was empty, which should have given them pretty good odds at bringing home some bacon considering that all the Boo Boos combined made up roughly half of the building’s audience that night.

Alana didn’t really understand the whole concept and was initially happy to just disrupt everyone else’s focus and stamp out smiley faces on her napkin.  The rest of the Boo Boo girls basically ate snacks and dabbed the markers on their own noses while they chewed.  Shugie either slept or was really focused on his cards.  I’m not sure what was going on there.

Turns out that all the coupon fine printing has finally taken its toll on June’s eyes, which explained why she went full scale Mole Man every time a Bingo ball popped up out of that Bingo ball shoot thing.  Squinting like you do when your car first turns a corner during the evening rush and you get that full on setting sun burning into your corneas so badly that you’re afraid you’ll end up in one of those tragic Reader’s Digest stories about survival, June  could barely see the cards in front of her.

Guess that explains the whole makeup fiasco, too.

June called it her Bingo Face.  Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?

Controversy erupted at the close of the evening as Alana accused some lonely woman in the back of the hall of cheating.  Not that Alana really knew the rules.  But she lost.  And in the mind of a 7 year old child…and maybe mine as well…it always means someone else cheated.  Because losing sucks big ones.

As June explained to us how upset and disappointed Alana was at going home with nothing but Magic Marker finger, Mama was overcome with yet another one of her monster sneezing attacks, which I’m still contemplating using as my new ring tone.  I’ve never been too fascinated by the whole sneezing process until the Reality TV Gods gave me Honey Boo Boo, but now it’s like I’m nasally born again or something.

I’m pretty sure my television actually wobbled a little as June honked one out, it was so good.  Trust me…it was strong enough to send Dorothy to Oz and back before dinner.

Ah-Choo!

After a quick nose wipe it was off to The Chic Boutique to meet up with Miss Georgia 2011, who was going to make a valiant attempt at teaching Alana some Klass.

Strutting up the sidewalk in total Baywatch slow motion, complete with a sassy Pam Anderson hair toss, Michaela Lackey had no clue what she was walking into once she finally made it up to Alana and Mama.

Obviously Michaela had not been able to contact Barbara Hickey, the Etiquette Coach who had previously tried to teach some table manners to the Boo Boos and see what she was up against with this family, or she would have been on the other side of the Georgia state line by now.  That lack of communication was most likely due to the fact that they probably have fairly limited visiting hours at whatever Insane Asylum Miss Manners was admitted to after Pumpkin tooted out a few good ones at the dining room table.

Hulu that episode.  Classic Gassic.

But Michaela gets an “A” for effort.

Hoping to give Alana tips on reaching her goals and maybe not talking with her mouth full, it was an exercise in futility.  The three of them poked around the boutique just long enough for Alana to run through a few wind chimes and try to knock a chandelier down with her face, and for Miss Georgia to perfect her fake smile.  She was dying on the inside, I tell you.  Dying.

Then it was off for some dessert, where Alana demonstrated how the Boo Boos like to take one gigantic piece of whatever happens to land on their plate and then slowly shove it down their throats like a wood chipper.  If it dangles out a few inches, so be it.

Alana then finished off the meal, and more than likely Miss Georgia’s television career, with a little gas and a face covered in at least three of the six major Food Groups.

Gah.  How much do I love this family?

With that job interview smile still pasted on her face, Michaela suggested that Alana may have some refining to do before she puts on a Miss America crown, and then slowly walked back off into the sunset with vaseline on her teeth and desperation in her eyes.

Thanks for playing.  We have some lovely parting gifts.

And speaking of gifts….it was time for Alana’s Birthday Party!

Honey Boo Boo Child was officially turning 7 and it was time to celebrate.  And nothing says Happy Birthday like raiding a Coupon Queen’s plastic shelving unit and regifting some hot sauce and liquid soap.

Yup.  Them other Boo Boo girls are some cheap a** bitches.

Pumpkin, Chubbs and Chickadee swiped some goods from Mama June’s Costco room and quickly wrapped them up with one sheet of gift wrap and four rolls of scotch tape.  Maybe five.

Having a Mother who hoards office supplies as well as toothpaste certainly has its benefits when it comes to last minute gifts.  And you don’t have to fight all that Black Friday traffic down at the Galleria when you can just go from the bathroom to the dining room and get all your shopping done while you’re still in your underwear.

Mama and Shugie had set up a Slip n’ Slide and a Sno-Cone booth in the front yard to create the ultimate birthday park, and Alana took a total spaz.  She loved every minute of it and spent the entire day buzzing between the slide and the pool and the pool and the slide.

Even June tried to climb the inflated steps on the slide, but that didn’t exactly go as planned.  Something about the rope being on the wrong side.  And maybe the fact that she’s substantially big and proud with a Forklift toe.  And water slides are basically gigantic balloons filled with non-supportive oxygen.  You can do the physics math on that one.

But it’s the thought that counts.  And Alana loved her hot sauce and her family…and that’s all that mattered.

It was the best birthday party ever.

Capped off with the best sneeze ever.  If you’re into gross, slimy sneezes that is.

Chilling out in her lawn chair, Alana finished off the show with a sneeze that pretty much blew out the portion of her brain responsible for long division.  Girl…it was nasty.

Who knew?  She must have picked up some manners from Miss Georgia after all, because Alana clamped her hands over her face to hide the evidence and then just sat there in horror wondering why nobody behind the camera could hand her a Kleenex.

That made two of us.  Nobody could help?  There’s an entire room in that freakin’ house with nothing but paper goods and nobody could run inside?

Not one person came to her rescue.

Ten minutes later, she was still sitting there.

I didn’t check, but it could have been another twenty before she finally…slooooowly…stood up and slipped past the cameras like cartoon characters do when they turn to rubber and just slide off the chair in search of the elusive tissue.

Next time is…Ah-Choo!…Pageant Time.

Big honk if you love Boo Boo.


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