Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: It’s All Aboard The Biscuit Express For A Super-Sized Redneck Finale. Poodles, Pageants & Pigs…Three Thumbs Up!Friday, September 28th, 2012
Sometimes it takes a Village. Other times it just takes Aviator shades and a casual evening gown. Werk.
Oh, hey now girls. Haters gonna hate.
Mama, I don’t feel so fresh. It’s hotter than Poodle balls out here, and Boo Boo ain’t liking it one bit.
Oooh! Get it off get it off get it off get it off get it off get it off!
And that’s what I think about humidity and table manners. I’m good without either, thank you.
This week on “Keeping Up With The Kuntry Stoe Kardashians…”
And I quote. Sort of.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
And then all The Boos down in Booville will all cry “Honey Boo Hoo.”
That’s right. It was a sad day in Booville, Georgia this week as the first butt scratchin’ season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo came to a mud splashed, cheese ball coated close after gracing our televisions for much too short a time.
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you better Redneckognize that Pageant Princess Alana Thompson and her sneezin’, wheezin’, finger pullin’ family are now part of Pop Culture vernacular. Forever. And there is no way to escape them if you own a television or a wi-fi router. No way.
Because Honey Boo Boo is here to stay.
And what better way to immortalize all that Redneckulousness for future generations than with a family portrait, right? So it was off to a Boat Landing/Rock Climbing looking place for some paparazzi practice.
First order of business this week was gathering all the Boo Boos together for a photo shoot on what turned out to be a Triple H summer scorcher of a day.
Since it has already been well documented that Mama June is not a big fan of the hazy, hot & humid trifecta, you can only imagine how well she was handling all those sticky H’s in her Sunday best.
All dolled up in fancy Mall makeup and an up ‘do, June actually cleaned up pretty nicely, all things considered. She liked to call it “a little paint on the barn” as it were, but in the middle of a summer heatwave we all know how long it takes paint to dry on a barn. And don’t even get me started on how it tends to pool up between the shingles, because we’ve all been there during a weekend home improvement project gone horribly wrong.
You know something ain’t right between the siding and the insulation, but you’re afraid to lift it up and look underneath because it might start running and leave a streak that won’t come out without a sanding belt. So you just walk away and hope that it will eventually dry to a smooth finish.
It was like that. But more humid.
Photographer Tammie Graham, who as of today is most likely sharing a Freshman triple dorm room at Insane Asylum University with Miss Georgia 2011 and the Etiquette Lady who melted down during a lesson in Boo Boo table manners, had somehow found herself in charge of rustling up all the scattered family members and getting at least one decent shot with her Pentax.
Everyone was hot. Everyone was cranky. Everyone was yelling at everyone else.
And Tammie was getting so hot and bothered that I was afraid she might overexpose her film canister before she managed to even score a single 8 x 10.
Alana kept rubbing her face until she looked like Carol Burnett back when she played that crazy a** silent movie star with the black eyeliner, while Pumpkin worked the camera lens like she was Tyra. Mama spilled her water bottle all over the barn siding and Sugar Bear put on pants. Not his funeral pants. Just pants.
After rock climbing, sitting in mud and Mama taking a bath in her own sweat, Tammie finally got enough photos to keep everyone happy and then either left or 4-wheeled off the dock. I’m not sure where she went. She just kind of disappeared with her wet bangs all stuck to her face and her eyes bugging out of her head.
Back at Casa Boo Boo, Mama and Alana began packing for the upcoming Beach Beauties Pageant. Honey Boo Boo Child was hitting the Pageant Circuit one last time before school started, and she was definitely looking to Holla for a few more Dollas.
Unfortunately, a summer full of sketti and BBQ orgies had left Alana with both a dress and a bathing suit that she could barely pull over her head. Mama had already hooked her up with a new cupcake dress, and now it was time to try on her new swimwear which had come safely delivered all crammed up inside a crumpled postal priority envelope.
If it fits, it ships. If it don’t, we make it fit. And then it ships.
Thank you Lane Bryant, for now offering your swimwear in shrinky dink baby size ranges. That’s the only vendor that could have shipped that thing. Seriously.
Alana looked adorbz in the outfit, and it was a really eye catching cobalt blue for you fashionistas…but there was a whole lot of belly poking out of that swing coat looking top.
A lot o’ belly. Like more than two handfuls.
But she looooooved it. And I loooooove me some Boo Boo.
So stick it in the plastic bin and let’s get going here, people.
Hold that thought, because Chickadee was having contractions. Real ones this time. Real enough to make her realize that maybe this whole Teen Mom baby thang was actually going to happen while she was still a teenager.
Not taking any chances, everyone pried the bag of snacks out of her hands, hoisted her dead weight off the couch and headed to the hospital to pop out some baby.
Special delivery on the Biscuit Express, as Alana anatomically explained.
You know when you slam one of those Pillsbury Doughboy tubes on the counter that was either in the refrigerator too long or not long enough, but you don’t slam it hard enough and just a little blob of goo squirts out and sticks to your fingers? And then you have to keep slamming and yanking and slamming and poking until it’s all out and finally ends up on the tray?
Yeah. That Biscuit Express.
Enjoy your next brunch.
Three hours, 6 pounds, 2 ounces and three thumbs later…baby Kaitlyn Elizabeth was officially biscuit-free.
Hold up. What was that, you ask?
Not the 6 pounds part? The other part? The thumbs part?
It’s true. As Mama explained, baby Kaitlyn was highly evolved. So highly evolved that she had three thumbs. One on the left, one on the right, and as a special parting gift…one more on the right.
She was a cute little peanut with what kind of looked like a can opener where her thumb (singular) should have been. Or a Swiss Army knife, if you ask Shugie.
But if we’ve learned anything at all from this amazing family, it’s that it don’t matter none.
Family is family. They love her. She loves them. Or at least she will when both eyes start going in the same direction, and there’s nothing more important than family. Alana probably broke it down best when she stated that it was just one more person to love.
Gah. I love these Boo Boos.
Looking past all the Redneckulosity, they really do get their point across. Three thumbs up for being real. And a High Six.
Auntie Chubbs wasn’t a big fan of new baby smell after taking a whiff. It wasn’t totally “biscuit bad” as she explained, but still not pleasing to her finely tuned cheese ball nose.
One…thanks for ruining almost an entire food group for me with one sentence. And two…you put a wet crescent roll on your head for 9 months and then tell me how that all works out for you.
Needless to say, the Biscuit Express pulled into (…out of?…) the station around the same time that Alana was supposed to be at her Lane Bryant Pageant, so she had to miss the entire event. But she was ok with it, because bringing the estrogen count up to 6 in that one tiny house was all worth it as far as she was concerned.
Luckily, Mama found another pageant…but it was in two days. Yowza!
That meant it was time to get serious and call in the Pageant Cavalry to save the day.
The Poodle Pageant Cavalry, that is. Fueled by Chicken Nuggets and Rainbow Power.
Sugar Bear’s faaaabulous brother had moved back into town and was on his way over, with hopefully ample sass and fruit in his tank to help Alana get her mojo back.
Arriving with enough fanfare to make up for not actually riding in on a float, everyone’s favorite Gay Redneck Uncle was more than happy to come up with an impromptu pretty feet routine on the spot.
Like any good Gay Redneck Uncle should do. Der.
Poodle is a hoot.
And let me tell you. Jazz Hands ain’t got nuthin on Poodle Paws as Lee worked his invisible cupcake dress and Timberland boots like a pro, all against a backdrop of 365 days a year icicle lights and an air conditioner that I swore was going to fall out of the window before he even got to his finger kisses.
Werk it, Girlfriend.
Somewhere between the lesson on eye contact and popping your hip, Alana attempted a cartwheel and then the whole thing just collapsed into a grass fight. Apparently the Boo Boos are not big on bagging their lawn clippings, because there was enough clumped up artillery on the ground for Alana, P-Diddy Poodle and Pumpkin to go full on War Games on each other’s heads.
It was clear that Uncle P would not have worn his good striped polo shirt if he had known that he was going to participate in a grass fight, because you would have sworn Alana was launching live nukes at his logo embroidery the way he was screaming in the front yard.
Yeah. It got a little gay.
But not that there’s anything wrong with that. Not at all. Even Alana explained that everyone is a little gay.
But it was grass. Not acid, dude.
After Uncle Poodle stuffed a ginormous wad of lawnmower cud down the back of Pumpkin’s pants, the rest of the fight was pretty anticlimactic, so they finished up and got ready for Pageant Day.
Finally, it was time for The Sparkle & Shine Pageant!
For all you Toddlers & Tiaras groupies it was just what you would expect, though the venue itself was a little odd. After years of Ramada Inn ballrooms with miles of empty chairs, this joint was part barn dance and part church pew as far as I could tell. Or maybe a community center where they argue about librarian salaries. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention. My bad.
But the whole Boo Boo gang was there to cheer on Alana. Even Baby Three Thumb, who pretty much slept through the whole thing while sucking on a variety of appendages.
Mama June belted out her signature “Work it Smoochie!” howl while Uncle Poodle sat back and envied Alana’s outfits.
(He did, however, clarify that his ensemble would be much more of a casual evening gown type of number. Good to know.)
Did I already mention that he is a hoot?
Since this wasn’t a real T&T episode, the pageant part was fairly insignificant and we barely saw the action, though I did manage a glimpse at that crazy eyed, overly spray tanned male judge who always cracks me up. That guy is IN TO his job, and totally reminds me of those shaky little lap dogs who never blink.
Alana scored 2nd Runner-up which meant that she still has yet to win the Big One. Kind of sad. More importantly this time around though, she won the People’s Choice Award which is chosen by the…duh…figure it out. I gave you a big clue.
At the award ceremony, Alana got a special surprise when Uncle Poodle brought Glitzy the Pig up on stage to congratulate her, which was a nice gesture until you realized that it meant she would have her favorite pet yanked from her grip for a second time and sent back to the breeder.
A little odd. And a little gay.
The pig, that is. But we already knew that when he got measured for a boy pig dress a few weeks ago.
And then it was over. The whole season.
With just enough time for some Yoda wisdom from June.
It was a crazy summer. A great summer. All about fun and family. Living and loving.
Accepting and couponing. Mud fights and Bingo nights.
And eating. Lots of eating.
It’s a little gay and a whole lot of Redneck.
Love ‘em or hate ‘em. June summed it all up for us before heading down the tracks…
It is what it is.