I feel like a chunky lemon. And Pamela Anderson, if she had no boobs and a poop in a can tan.
Not gonna lie. This wedgie probably ain’t coming out until the Holidays.
Smoochie is one hunka hunka burning redneck love, bitches. You might wanna step aside so you don’t catch on fi-yah.
Pardon me. Have you seen a forklift toe sock float by in the last couple of minutes? It has fancy polish on it.
If you squint, it kinda looks like a scene from Baywatch.
Pull up a chair, pull down your wedgie and let’s get this party started.
America’s most Redneckognizable Redneck family was back for another round of jaw dropping hilarity this week, and they certainly didn’t disappoint.
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, Here Comes Honey Boo always delivers. You can’t deny them that. And this time around it was no different.
In fact, the only thing Alana and her backyard garage entourage didn’t deliver was a Teen Mom baby, though they tried their darndest to make that one happen as well. But as the directions on a tube of Pillsbury Crescents clearly state…the biscuits are ready when the biscuits are ready. And not a minute sooner, or you risk one collapsing after you remove the goods from the oven.
After last week’s soap opera cliffhanger, which left 17 year old Chickadee and Mom June squealing off in an ambulance following the world’s most dramatic false labor contractions television has ever seen (…sorry, Rachel Zoe. You and your OMG I’m literally dying SuperBaby just lost that crown…) we met up with the gang at the hospital.
Chickadee, who apparently had skipped every filmstrip ever shown in every Health class during her entire school career, seemed to have almost no idea what to expect when it was time to pop out some baby. And 34 weeks into the process was probably not the time to figure out that sooner or later that thing has to come out of somewhere.
I’d like to personally give a shout-out to Oprah Winfrey and that sling swing thing she was dangling from all those years ago that made her Va Jay Jay tingle, because ever since that fateful day you can’t discuss anything that goes on down there without hearing that catch phrase. Or thinking of Gail King’s face. Just saying.
As lethargic and drooly as Chickadee is on a normal day after waking up at noon, multiply that by about a bazillion and then medicate it. Girlfriend was stoned.
When the doctor sent her home to relax her Oprah stuff under strict bed rest, I wondered how that would actually differ from the day before she had gone to the hospital. Maybe bed rest is different than her couch rest? I’m not really sure. I should Google it, but that seems like a lot of effort right now.
Nice enough girl. But we’ve never really seen her do anything except snarf down cheese balls now that you mention it. And Chickadee is definitely not going to be remembered on her tombstone for being a spitfire, or any help around the house at all, for that matter.
Remember, she was the one who milked the pregnancy card during her family’s Christmas in July celebration and had to beach it on the Santa La-Z-Boy because untangling extension cords got her winded.
Originally I assumed that she may have had something to do with why those icicle lights are still hanging up there on the gutter, but I have a pretty good feeling they’ve been there longer than 34 weeks so I’m not going to blame that one on Chickadee. Squeaked by on that one, honey.
After a grainy, wobbly hand-held home video ride back to Casa Boo, which totally reminded me of some crazy farmhand version of The Blair Witch Project by the way, they tucked stoner Chickadee into bed and covered her head to toe with a blanket.
For a second it reminded me of a pig in a blanket, which made me think of Glitzy and I got sad. I miss that little thing and it’s only been a week.
Then it just reminded me of a pig in a blanket again. I think Chickadee figured that if she cut off the entire air supply to the baby it would try to crawl out faster and then this whole thing would finally be over and she could get back to the couch. The TV is way bigger out there.
Again…stay in school kids. The More You Know.
While Chickadee was wrapped in her quilted shroud, it was time for the other Boo Boo Girls to have one last final weigh-in. It was the end of their weight loss challenge and the law of averages had to allow for at least one person in the building to drop a pound, right?
First up was Pumpkin, who I believe actually invented the Five Second Rule.
Needless to say, she gained 6 pounds, which I also believe is the opposite of what you should do during a weight loss challenge.
I’ll say it since no one else will. If that girl could only absorb water as fast as she absorbs calories, FEMA could airlift her down to New Orleans and drop her behind one of the levees.
Problem solved, Mr. President.
Chubbs lost a few pounds, but clearly not enough to warrant a call to the folks at Guinness.
Mom lost 1.6 pounds, which unfortunately was probably just the Timex she forgot to put on that day, but I’ll give her credit for trying. At this rate we’ll inhabit Mars before she has to actually buy new pants, but I never give anyone grief if they are trying. So you go, girl.
You go to the Water Park, is where you go.
As a treat for losing a combined something around 8 pounds, June treated them all to Splash in the Boro, which I thought was a gay bar outside of New York City but turned out to only be a water slide joint. Which was good considering that everyone is under age.
Alana was quite excited to hit the park, even though it was going to be overflowing with the now infamous Vajiggle Jaggle and wedgies for miles. I’m thinking Splash probably doesn’t mention either of those in their Summer Coupon Books press releases.
First stop was Lazy River, which was deemed to be the absolute favorite of lazy a** fat people everywhere. That’s probably not in the Book, either.
You basically just stick your junk in a blue inner tube and and bumper car boink your way down a sloooowly moving stream like you’re on a wet Krispy Kreme conveyor belt.
(And seriously…how good are those donuts if you get there right when they come out of the oven? Just shut up.)
Since nobody likes dragging the pool for a drowning pageant princess, Alana was strapped into a yellow life jacket just in case she took a dump off her tube. On the other hand, I don’t believe that June’s inner tube was intentionally planned as an emergency floatation device, but since she got herself completely stuck inside it and could not pull it off without the help of at least three people, she should have felt pretty safe in the water.
I love that lady. Big and loud and proud. And you know she totally used some half-price coupon to get into the park that she peeled off one of her 186 cans of condensed milk.
Am I wrong?
Once the Jaws of Life were called in to pry the blue Krispy Kreme off June’s face, she headed up to the Water Slide. Watching two scrawny lifeguard types try and lift with their knees and figure out how to get June onto the butt pillow was worth a full price admission to the park. Screw the coupon.
She knew it wasn’t gonna be pretty and took it all in stride. And in straddle, as she got a little personal with her inflated friend.
After tweaking a sciatic nerve, the boys finally shoved June down the shoot. It’s too late to do the math, but I’m sure if some scientist out there with time to kill wants to figure out the velocity x volume ratio….well, let’s just say my girl was close to breaking the sound barrier as she hydroplaned down the yellow winding path.
That probably also explains why she sounded like a car alarm as she flew down the slide. That was the oddest half laugh/half scream/half hiccup I’ve ever heard at any amusement park. Ever.
And yes…I know that three halves are impossible.
Just because I can’t do velocity x volume doesn’t mean I don’t own a calculator. There’s one on my phone. Der.
After June splash landed at the bottom and park security located the two boys thrown from the pool during the storm surge, the Boo Boo Girls tried to bully Mom into doing the Monster Slide. That’s the one that is half a mile up in the sky where you spend more time getting to the top than enjoying the water part of the process.
June wasn’t playing that game. No thank you.
But the girls weren’t taking NO for an answer and unless Mom was going to climb 786 stairs for 5 seconds of slide time, they were going to require something else as collateral.
It was the toe. Or nothing.
That’s right. The infamous, never before seen Forklift Toe.
The one that was somehow mangled in a tragic forklift accident at some random warehouse many years ago. It’s the thing of legends, I tell you. Everyone in town knows about it, but no one has seen it.
Even her own children haven’t been able to penetrate the protective, nail polished athletic sock barrier to see if the toe is as gnarly as Mom claims.
Answer: No, it’s not. It’s worse.
After finally caving in to pressure, June slowly revealed the whacked out big toe as the park’s muzac system played some kind of dramatic theme from Jaws remix.
It was pretty gross. And somehow, the split second she unleashed that raw meat, it was completely covered in gnats.
How is that even possible? No gnat can get from point A to point B that quickly unless they were already in the sock, which….eewww. Gross.
Since everything after a gnarly, gnat covered toe would seem anti-climactic, all the Boos headed home to focus on Alana’s upcoming practice pageant.
Fist up was the spray tan, courtesy of either Krylon or that company that makes Thanksgiving gravy. It was runny and nasty as it drooled down her little pork belly.
Poop In Can, she called it. Get Madison Avenue on the phone.
The Rock Star Pageant this week was a smaller, test run kind of deal for the Big Dawg Glitz event coming up next month. Since Alana had been MIA from pageants for a little bit while she played in the mud and outgrew her cupcake dress, June felt it would be good to try out a smaller venue and get feedback for improvement before hitting the circuit hard.
As you’ll recall, Amanda Carter and her chunky skunk striped ‘do had been working with Alana down at the Deevas Dance Studio to create a new Elvis routine. This would be the first time that Alana would be performing it live, without the assist of Amanda and that brown lipstick on her teeth. (Honey, please. Hit the Mall and get your colors done. Not being mean…just trying to help.)
But first was the Beauty portion, and the unveiling of Alana’s new dress. Which made me think of the matching tiny version that they had requested for that gay pig, and I got sad again. Wonder what ever happened to that mini me dress?
Jennifer, who ever that was, was trussing up the back of Alana’s dress like that Giada chick does on the Food Network while June and Honey Boo Boo tried to get in the zone. The skirt part fell off as soon as Alana started to walk, so they may want to find the directions before they actually throw out the box.
Since we all spent too much time having fun at the water park, we only got about 3 minutes of actual pageant love.
Alana nailed her Beauty walk, despite June bellowing out “Work it, Smoochie!” so loudly it could be heard outside in the parking lot. If you’ll recall the first time we ever met June back in the Toddlers & Tiaras days (…“Show them yo’ belly, Smoochie!”…) the woman does love to keep it movin’ behind the judges’ table. I’m all for supportive Pageant Moms, but it tends to distract the kids, and in June’s case probably raises the room temperature a notch or two.
The Elvis routine came complete with a mic stand, electric guitar and that white rhinestone studded outfit he always wore right when he was starting to get fat. She rocked it.
At the end of the day, Alana took home Queen in her age division, but not the Megatron Ultra Transformer crown. She was happy, but still a little bummed. The poor kid still hasn’t taken home the mother load.
But again, she’s got her own show, bitches.
She didn’t lose any of her sass though, even when that big crazy lady in the lobby told them to work on eye contact.
So off they went with a new crown, a sash, some toys and homework for the next pageant.
And probably a lingering wedgie.
Sheeeooot. Elvis has left the building.