Posts Tagged ‘In10sity Dance Competition’

Dance Moms: The West Coast Abby Returns! When It’s Tap vs. Hip Hop, You Better Pop It, Lock It And Bump-It.

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

a2

 

Everyone in LA has bangs. Richy said that if he was into it and his standards were a little lower, he’d be all over this.

h

 

 

 

 

Lawd. This s*** and that Priscilla Presley hair just got real.

 

 

d

 

 

 

Umm. I didn’t sleep with my boss. We were awake the whole time, thank you. And you’re pretty much a bitch.

 

d2

 

 

 

This Chipotle App is the bomb. That beef burrito will be ready before we even pull into the bus stop.

 

l

 

 

 

Oh. My. Gawd. I’m freakin’ finally on Dance Moms and I’m wearing horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? Dying.

 

m

 

 

 

Shut. Up. You really gave Chloe hip hop? That is HIGHlarious. You’re gonna make me pee my pants.

 

k

 

 

 

 

Mama’s coming home soon, Baby.

 

 

 

 

Well.

Freakin’ finally.

After being preempted for what seemed like six months by the premiere of the already classic What’s Vivi-Anne Gonna Eat Today? Show and then being postponed for another two more weeks while that cable access Drink While You Dance Chat mess auditioned a few D-List comedians…Dance Moms is back.

I think.

Or maybe it was a repeat.  I’m not sure.

I remember last season there was an episode that was nothing but Christi getting all up in Melissa‘s face about butt kissing and special treatment and everyone swearing in front of their kids until Maddie cried.

And that totally happened again this week.  So I’m not really sure what was going on.

Honestly, with all the recent repetitive story lines and rehashed Mama Drama, the only way I can keep track of what day it is is by referencing my Crazy Jill Hair spreadsheet.

And my Where’s Kristie? board game, of course.

And speaking of.  Do I physically have to go down to the Lifetime TV executive offices and slap somebody until they put Asia‘s bad a** Mama in every episode?

Because I will.  If this site ever starts making me some money, that is.  Have you priced airline tickets lately?  Seriously.  I don’t want to buy the plane.  Just a ticket, ma’am.

Let’s go, people!

Thanks to poor planning on somebody’s part, Ms. Miller had to take a sabbatical from the show in order to jet out to California (…swimming pools, movie stars…) to film the second season of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, which left the inmates running the prison.

But Abby was back now.

With a fresh new LA attitude, a ton o’ fresh new LA hairstyles that she was clearly trying to get a handle on and basically every piece of fresh new Resort 2013 she could strip off the Lane Bryant window mannequins down on West Pico Blvd.

Did you see all her new clothes?

a

But it was back to bidnez now and that meant that the Two Months Later And Maddie’s Still On Top Pyramid of Shame finally made a reappearance.  After one more promotional blitz for AUDC, coming soon to a television near you.

Was it just me, or was Richy Jackson wearing a Burger King crown in that hazy flashback?  Because Girlfriend was definitely having it her way.  MmmHmm.

I’m fairly certain that Abby just left the last pyramid taped to the mirrors, because nothing looked very different this time around.

Bottom row was reserved for Brooke, Paige, Kendall and Nia.  Apparently Brooke had blown off dance rehearsals while Abby was gone and had gotten busted by the ALDC SpyCam or somebody’s thermal heat goggles when she and Mom Kelly snuck off to record another youtube CD.

I don’t know.  Somehow Abby knew though.

Second row was Mackenzie, Chloe and the MIA Asia.  After I did the math and realized that an MIA Asia meant an MIA Kristie…again…I stopped paying attention to that row.

And natch, top of the pile was Maddie again.

This week the gang was headed to beautiful Syracuse, NY for another In10sity Dance Competition and Abby was ready to shake things up again.  Last time, as you will recall, she had sent Maddie and Chloe out on stage to perform the exact same routine to the same music.  It was like, OMG.  Totally twinsies.  Like…totz.

This time they would be hitting the bright lights as complete opposites.  Maddie would be doing a tap routine.  Chloe would be going gangstah with a hip hop number.

Maddie’s favorite thing in the whole wide world is tap.  Chloe is a skinny little white ballerina who doesn’t even take hip hop lessons.

You do the math on that one.  It’s even easier than my Kristie addition & subtraction a little earlier, so you probably won’t need a calculator.

MackLoJack also got a solo, but she’s not Asia…so you know…

The group routine was entitled Gone Too Soon about celebrities who were gone too…well, you can probably figure that one out as well.

Every girl would play a character.  A dead one.  Dead Diva Dancing, basically.

Nia was Whitney.  Kendall was Selena.  (The Latin one, not Bieber‘s on again/off again suckah girlfriend.  She’s still alive.  A fool for going out with such a Dbag, but still alive.)

d1

Brooke was Amy Winehouse.  Paige was Anna Nicole Smith.  Chloe was Marilyn Monroe.  And Maddie got to wear a tiara, which was all that really mattered to Abby.

Not to steal any of Honey Boo Boo Child‘s thunder, but if this show had its own People Magazine Whiff & Sniff card this week, the whole thing woulda stank up the barn with favoritism and shame.  And bacon.

Up in the MomPerch it was National Gang Up On Melissa Day.

Apparently while Abby was gone, the Moms had all taken some kind of blood oath to band together as a team and not pimp out any of their kids by sending them to Los Angeles.  One Team.  One Mission.

Yeah.  How did that Mom Parking Lot Sit-In of 2013 work out for everybody?

Needless to say, Melissa had crammed Maddie into Abby’s carry-on and shipped her off to the West Coast asap to appear on AUDC while the rest of the girls stayed in Pittsburgh to do whatever it is that kids do in Pittsburgh before they grow up, smarten up and run away from home without ever looking back.

(No hate mail from the Pittsburgh Office of Tourism, please.)

Somehow that move translated into an argument between Christi and Melissa about sleeping with your boss.  Or Melissa’s boss, more specifically.

Because that’s what she (…allegedly…) did.  Numerous times.  Multiple numerous times, if you know whaddimean.

Before she ended up marrying him.

And can we just talk for a second about how Melissa fights?  Like your 5 year old niece fights, maybe?

Nuh uh.  No way.  You lie.  Whatever.  Not talkin’ about it.  Not talkin’ about it.  Maybe because you’re a big poopy head liar, that’s why.  Whatever.  Fine.

Whatever Infinity.

And then she grabbed her Bratz doll and her sleeping bag and stormed out of the Perch.

d3

The next day (…I knew it was the next day because Abby and Jill both had new hairdos…) Melissa narced on Christi for being White Trash and then apologized for not remembering that it was 1960’s Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

Holy Bang ‘n Bouffant, Batman.

As Melissa hunkered down in the studio to watch Mackawhacka try and imitate SassyPants Asia’s sassypantsness in her solo, the rest of the Moms looked down and (…white…) trash talked their brains out.

MackPaddiWack was having a rough time of it, and Abby blamed it on her having taken part in recess earlier in the day.

I know, right?  The nerve of that kid.  Playing with her friends.  Getting all that exercise out there in all that unhealthy fresh air.

And that is why dancers should be home schooled, according to Abby, whose wisdom and hairstyles both seemed to be trapped somewhere in the JFK Era this week.

Maddie’s solo rehearsal went a little better.  She’s Maddie, after all.

And Christi is Christi, after all, so she was right back to chewing on Melissa’s neck about whatever and whoever as soon as Mom came upstairs.

They weren’t supposed to run solos.  But Abby’s running Maddie’s.  So you know she won’t run Chloe’s.  Blah blah.  My kids are not your concern.  White Trash.  Boss Sleeper Arounder.  Then somebody said “Bitch” about 100 times.

And then it was the whole pick up your Bratz doll and sleeping bag attitude again.

Punctuated this time by Melissa’s delightfully adolescent “You wish I would die in a car accident while tweeting about One Direction and putting on mascara.”

Or something.

Gah.  Kids today.

After getting liquored up following rehearsal (…do these kids just drive themselves home now?…) everyone was back for one last day of practice and snarking up in the Perch.

Unfortunately, even after cocktails the Moms were way too sober to deal with Payton‘s Mom Leslie, who swung by with her bodyguard on the way home from Walmart.

Turns out that Payton was helping Chloe with her hip hop routine, because the best person to help a skinny little white ballerina get gangstah is a taller skinny white ballerina, right?

Don’t ask.

h4

And I have no idea who that other woman was who tagged along with Leslie up to the Perch, pretending she didn’t notice the cameras or the fact that Holly, Jill and Melissa were all color coordinated like a Pointer Sisters Cover Band .  Did you see that?

I’m guessing the woman with the glasses won some kind of Facebook contest or something and got to do a walk-on like they did on All My Children a couple years ago.

Look at me, baby.  Mommy’s on the television.

Leslie said that she was supporting her daughter helping Chloe and then quickly left before all the ice cream in her car started to melt.

And seriously, how perfect was it that the Lifetime people weren’t paying attention again and added in a Catering Wars pop-up promo at the bottom of the screen right then that said “The Ultimate Food Fight?”

I wish.

Melissa stormed out again at some point.  Cuz that’s kinda her thang lately.

Finally, it was Showtime!

To compensate for MackSplat not having any of Asia’s sassy “this” and “that,” Abby gave her a whirly twirly Grinch movie headpiece that boinged all over the place when she walked.  Stiffer than a Slinky, but bouncier than a pipe cleaner.  And slightly askew.

If you can’t fake sassy…werk a hat, Bitch.  And you can quote me.

Abby also changed Maddie’s Messy Housewife outfit a few times while basically stepping over Chloe before everyone hit the stage.

Mack’s solo went great, and she did that strut off the stage again that I still can’t master when I leave a room.  Peace out, haters.

Chloe danced around like every drunk chick I’ve ever met at a frat party trying to booty pop.  I’m from Delta Delta.  Wanna do shots?  I’m so wasted.

Don’t get wrong.  I love me some Chloe.  But she was set up to fail.

Maddie jumped all over the stage in her pink apron like some bat s*** crazy DC Cupcake Lady all wired up from licking one too many beater bowls.  Gimme more sugar!  She nailed it, though.

Even when her little pink cartoon apron top fell down, she took a (…bowl…) licking and kept on ticking.

a6

From here on out is was basically the Maddie Show until the credits rolled.

Abby loved Maddie’s solo even though she had an apron malfunction.  Christi pointed out that Abby had an emotional melt down when Chloe’s headpiece fell over her eyeballs a few seasons ago, but yet had nothing negative to say about Maddie flashing her baked goods on stage.  Really?

Insert random Christi eye roll here:  ______________!

After the group routine, Abby stated that she had only watched Maddie.  Not her backup dancers.

Even when they took First Place in the group category Abby never looked up from that iPhone with the “Save Those Tears…” sticker long enough to recognize any of the other girls.  She thought it was crap that Maddie had only gotten 2nd Place in her solo, and she didn’t want to play anymore.

I guess she was doing her own version of a Sit-In.  But she sits all the time, so I couldn’t be certain what was really happening.

Backstage it was more Christi vs. Melissa vs. Tap vs. Hip Hop dramz.  I don’t know if it was the same episode or another repeat.  Jill had another hairdo, but it was one I’d seen before, so I got all confused.

This week, it was Melissa who uttered the contractually required “That’s it.  I’m done.  I’m so over it.” before slamming her suitcase and taking the mandatory Walk of Shame past the lockers.

I think they need a new gimmick.

Or maybe just freakin’ bring back Kristie.  How’z ’bout dat?

Don’t make me keep saying it.

Abby hugged Maddie, who had started to cry a few Precious Moments tears before being swallowed up by Abby’s ample bosoms like Star Trek‘s Enterprise when it gets sucked into a Klingon Black Hole.

In Dance, no one can hear you scream.

And then it was over.

Let’s just say that those Lifetime execs are darn lucky that I saw Kristie in the previews for next time or it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Put yo’ hands up, cuz next week LA is back in the house!

j

Dance Moms: If You Wanna Be The Apple Of Her Eye, You Better Push It And Throw It And Fix That Face.

Wednesday, March 20th, 2013

 

 

And then one day Mom walked in with that whacky new haircut, and I was all like “Oh. Hell. No.”

 

 

 

 

 

Perfect. Now you can eat your candy and rob a 7-11 at the same time, Baby.

 

 

 

 

 

Lawd. Even my girls in the ‘hood ain’t as cray as this bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

Check it out, Momz. “It’s fun to stay at the Y…M…C…A…!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Umm. Yeah. She’s what I like to call A Bit Of A Handful.

 

 

 

 

 

I told ’em this dance was gonna be good practice for when Sasha Nia has her own tour bus. ‘kay?

 

 

 

 

 

Rosa Parks? Phfffft. My Baby got this.

 

 

 

 

Ok, people.

Start working on your Excited Face, cuz the Boyz are back in town.

Dance Moms put all their Krazy in one apple bushel this week with the return of Super Villain Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her assortment of Evil Dance Lair minions, all back to strike fear into the hearts of everyone at the Abby Lee Dance Company.

That’s right.  Ohio ain’t just cows and jerky anymore.

It’s also the home of boy bands, cry baby beat boxers, bootlegged Gangnam Style choreography and loose cannon Dance Dads.

The kind of Dance Dads who, if there really is a Reality God, will soon get their own Spike TV spin-off show where they’ll attend Argentine Tango rehearsals, chest bump each other like their kid just kicked a winning field goal and then show us all how to drain the oil out of a Harley.

And then do a fist pump with finger fireworks, of course.  Boo-yeah!

Get your face ready for a two hour Abbypalooza.

After pulling in a 7th place showing at last week’s competition, Abby Lee Miller needed to figure out what was broken with her ALDC machine…and then fix it.  Fast.  But not before the Hmm I Wonder Where Brooke And Paige Will Be This Week? Pyramid of Shame.  Because rules are still rules, even when it’s super-sized.

Mackenzie and her wheelchair were rolled right to the bottom row.  No surprise.  She probably shouldn’t have done all those somersaults when she was supposed to be rehabbing in the chair like an avalanche victim.  Busted.  KenzieBenzie was benched for this week’s competition.  Thanks for playing.

Brooke and Paige were also on the first floor of the Pyramid.  I’m fairly certain that their photos are now superglued to the mirror just so Mom Kelly can flip out every week.

Little Cabbage Patch Chloe was finally back on the wall.  On the bottom…but you gotta start somewhere.  Suspension was suspended, so to speak.

I had originally planned on playing my favorite drinking game this week where I take a shot every time Mom Christi rolls her eyes or makes a face, but I knew with a two hour episode ahead of me that I’d never make it to the end credits if I started in on the Tequila during Pyramid.

It was clear that Christi and her Stretch Armstrong face would have me flat on the floor before the first of what I swear were 217 Client List commercials this week, so I figured I’d better play it safe and stick to Diet Coke just in case I needed to operate heavy machinery or tie my own shoes in the morning.

Second row was all about Maddie and Kendall.  And Kendall’s new and improved Pittsburgh Galleria Glamour Shots 8×10.

Christi may hold the title for Most Contorted Cartoon Faces, but Doctor Holly will always be Numero Uno when it comes to the WTF? Face.  

Sometimes I’m so inspired by Holly that I just need to slap somebody.

When Abby revealed the new headshot, Holly was all OhNoSheDin’t and OhJillYouSoCrazy and ExcuseMeButIMustHaveMissedTheNewHeadShotMemo.  

All Face.  Someday when there are no rehearsals, Holly just needs to go downtown, hang out a second floor apartment window and yell at the neighbors all day.

Hey, Jackée!  Sup, Girl?

Seriously.  If Holly ever gets tired of being a principal and a Dance Mom, she needs to just sign up for RuPaul’s Drag Race and throw shade until someone’s duct tape pops off.  Bitch is fierce.  Feee-errrssss.  Snap.  Love.  Her.

On top was Diva Nia, which was perfect timing given the theme of this week’s group dance.  A tribute to Civil Rights Activist Rosa Parks, complete with bus seats and big church hats.  A role that Nia was born to dance.

Everyone was excited for Nia.  Except Jill.  Naturally, she didn’t see why Kendall couldn’t take on the lead character, even though I’m fairly certain that kind of vaudeville makeup is pretty much deemed politically incorrect in this day and age.

Oh, Jill.  Mammy, how I love you.

Holly was also pretty excited that Abby had finally come up with something for Nia that didn’t involve an afro pick and platform shoes, and knew she’d kill it on stage.

In one last Hyland Family slam before rehearsals kicked in, Abby allowed Chloe and Paige to duet together this week…since Chloe had now slipped down to Paige’s level of dancing.

Slam.  The.  Front.  Door.  And cue another Kelly flip out.

Then we were off to Ohio and the Candy Apples.  Even if you were out of the room getting snacks at the time (…hey, two hours is a long haul…) you could tell it was Ohio by the Drive-In movie music and the cow moo.  Every time we went back there…another cow.  Is that the State Animal or something?

I don’t know where Cathy buys her clothes.  Don’t ask.  That’s a whole other blog post.

Using her state-of-the-art Apple TV Pyramid, Cathy unveiled Brandon, Gino and newbie Nick on the monitor.  Just to clarify, this was a different Nick from last week’s dreamboat, giggle-inducing Pittsburgh Vampire Nick.  While I’m sure that all Nicks are dreamy in their own right, but this one has yet to prove that he can make Maddie swallow her gum.  So the jury is still out right now.

The top spot was reserved for beat boxer Jalen, who head spun his way to the top of the Apple Tree this week and scored himself a Chippendale’s solo at the competition, complete with tear-away outfit changes and a police bayonet.

The Dads all high fived on that one and then got down to rehearsing.

Back in PA, Abby took time out to take Holly shopping, because during Pyramid she felt that the Doctor needed a makeover.

The whole scene should probably have been saved for the Bonus Footage DVD, but it was fun to watch Jill tag along and try to convince Abby that Kendall could play Rosa Parks with the right wig and some Louboutin shoe polish.

Oh, Jill.

Then it was back to the Land of Jerky again, as Cathy tried to keep little Vivi-Anne from feeling neglected.  Since creating her all-male revue and booting her own daughter off the stage, Cathy was having trouble finding things to keep Vivi-Anne occupied while the boys were rehearsing that didn’t include ice cream or Pop Rocks.

Ok.  Since no one else will say it, I will.

Vivi-Anne needs her own show.  There.  I own it now.

If not her own show, then at least strap one of those GoPro helmet cams from Best Buy onto her head and just unleash her into the Wild.

I mean.  Come on.  I just can’t.  She is comedy gold.

Mom tried private ballet lessons, where we found out that Viv can’t stand on her toes without a barre even though her Mom owns a dance studio.  And then Cathy took her to the costume shop as a human mannequin so she could give Jalen’s stripper clothes a test run.

Cathy even dressed her up in what I can only describe as a Wall Street Terrorist Chic, complete with business suit, camouflage beanie and one of those handkerchiefs that you put over your face so you don’t pass out when the nerve gas starts leaking through the office air vents.

What the Hell?  Work it.  Push it.  Throw it, Baby.

I would totally DVR The Vivi-Anne Show.  It would be like I Love Lucy.  But on Nicklodeon or late night cable access.  We could watch Vivi-Anne get stuck in cement or work a chocolate conveyor belt or put on a Vegas Showgirl headdress and fall down some stairs.

I would probably quit my job if Vivi-Anne ever filmed a Vegameatavitamin commercial.

Honestly, during the next scene where Cathy had repainted the outside of her building with giant red back-to-school apples and the boys all hooted Vivi-Anne into doing some crazy a** Monkey Dance at the ribbon cutting ceremony, I literally had to go next door and borrow my neighbor’s inhaler.

Come on, Lifetime.  Don’t let this dream die.

Back at the ALDC, Kendall was working on her Face.  A lot.  Like they do in acting class during the Lightening Round.  Scream out an emotion.  Show me Face.

Have you ever seen a photo of the Pixar cartoonists studios where they have a million different facial expressions all pinned up on their bulletin boards to use as reference for the Monsters Inc sequel?  Scared!  Happy!  Confused!  Seizure!

It was like that.  But with a really, really big flower on her head.

Then all of the sudden we were in Ohio again.  I was losing track.

Choreographer Anthony Burrell, last seen on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, was now in Cow Country biting the hand that fed him.  Yup.  Cheating on Abby.

Cathy bragged that Anthony had worked with Beyoncé and hundreds of other music video booty poppers.  And now Candy Apples.  That must have been a slippery slope.

And he’s Tough Love.  Because he don’t treat Boyz like Girlz.  He even made little Jalen kinda sorta cry, though at the time nobody realized that JBoy seems to do that a lot lately.  Anthony and Cathy even went head to head on teaching technique until he realized that White People are Just Crazy and put himself into Time Out before he slapped the bitch out of her.

After telling one of the Dads that Cathy was straight up trippin’, Anthony came back out and it kind of looked like he had been in the diner bathroom from Happy Days.

I can’t explain why.  But it just did.

Finally, it was Showtime.  Or at least the bus ride to the show.

Nia, who had officially been given the title role, gave an impromptu poster board lesson on Rosa Parks.  And then Jill gave a pre-planned jewelry store lesson on Butt Kissing by hauling out yet another gift to Abby as a token of her brown nosing and appreciation for Kendall’s solo.

Yeah.  Holly made that face again.

Then, finally it was Showtime.  PowerHouse Dance Competition in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Which is somehow related by marriage to In10sity Dance Competition, because they sorta share a website and those damn flashing light towers.

Seriously.  If I can’t have The Vivi-Anne Show, can we get rid of those things?  Or at least buy the software to synch them up to the music?  Please?

Abby still didn’t like Holly’s wardrobe and made her go out back and change into new clothes that she had purchased for the Doctor.  The Strong Nubian Princess Doctor apparently, because Holly came back out looking pretty Fly, in a strange Debbie Allen meets the Mom on The Cosby Show kind of way.  Mama Frazier looked good, all zebra printed up like Maya Angelou wearing something from Tyra Banks‘ closet.

Did I mention how much I love Holly?  Rachel Zoe would say she looked Maj Gorg.

Then there was some actual dancing.

Jalen was supposed to come out as a cop, and then pull some clothes off and turn into what I think was a waiter or pizza maker, and then tear his apron off and turn into a businessman.  At least that was the plan.

Unfortunately, the little tyke got all twisted up in his ripcord and it didn’t really happen, so he ended up falling off the music and then storming off stage in a Baby Kanye huff.

I’mma let the ALDC finish, but I was robbed!

Not sure why one of the other dudes chased him down the hall and not his own Dad, so that was a little odd and creepy at the same time.  But JBoy pulled his shizzle together in time to join the other Boyeeez for the Candy Apples version of Gangnam Style.

Paige and Chloe were way more substance than fabric, but they worked those skimpy outfits like it was their day job and ended up in First Place for duets, along with Maddie and her First Place street urchin solo.

Things were looking up.

The Rosa Parks number was pretty powerful, except for the very end when Brooke momentarily thought that she was actually getting on real public transportation and completely forgot to keep dancing as she searched an imaginary pocketbook for her bus pass.  But the judges overlooked it and handed out yet another First Place trophy to the ALDC, much to Cathy’s dismay.

Candy Gangnam only made it to Second Place.  But Kelly made it all the way up into Jalen’s Dad’s Face, which was even more important as the two of them threw down over his One Trick Pony son.

Yeah.  She went there.

And Cathy brought bodyguards.  Two of them.  With earpieces.  Presumably so they could listen to the ballgame while Cathy blew another nutty.

It was Dance Moms Krazy.  Super-sized for your viewing pleasure.

And don’t even get me started on why the emcee was wearing a doo rag under his H&M hat.  Who does that?

Couldn’t even hide my shock on that one.

I need to go put on my big church hat and work on muh muh muh my Poker Face.

Dance Moms: OMG. Not Feeling The Text Love? Maybe It’s Because You’ve Been Unfriended. It’s Kelly vs. Christi.

Friday, February 22nd, 2013

 

 

She’s got Big Ones. Gigantic Bull Ones. Like the ones they eat on that Food Network show.

 

 

 

 

Hell, yeah. I’ve got RND. Righteous Natural Diva. And trust me, there ain’t no way you all are gonna catch this.

 

 

 

You know that only works if you’re like 6 months old, right? I can still see you.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously. Maybe she’ll answer the call when my shiny new iPhone is up her a**.

 

 

 

 

Really? Really? Look at my hair, honey. I’ve got bigger problems than you and your BFF right now.

 

 

 

 

Hell, yeah. She gets it from her Mama.

 

 

 

 

 

OMG. It’s that cute boy from Miami who always stands on one leg. OMG. Is he looking at me? Tell me he’s looking.

 

 

 

It was only Tuesday.

But it felt like Freaky Friday.

Opposite Day in Reality TV Land.

While the Mob Wives were over on VH1 hugging it out like one big happy sitcom family and helping Staten Island recover from Hurricane Sandy, the Dance Moms were screaming and swearing and threatening to (bleepin’) cut a bitch if they didn’t return a (bleepin’) phone call.

Yeah.  A phone call.  And (bleep) you if you have a problem wid dat.  Cuz you do NOT wanna got to (bleepin’) Dance War with me.  Trust me.

Freaky Friday, I tell you.

After last week’s poor showing and post-competition Super Soaker fight between Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and Abby Lee Miller (…and Jill “Don’t you EVER talk about my kid again” Vertes, of course…) everyone was a little wired as they arrived for the latest Pyramid of Shame & Potential Suspension.

The ALDC had not only lost in Detroit, but had lost to the Candy Apples Crew.  Which in AbbyLand is a bazillion times worse than just losing.  Probably actually closer to two bazillion if you do the math.

So needless to say, coming off a low performing week Abby was already cranky before she even got out of bed.

Last week was also National Christi-Free Week, thanks in part to Mrs. Lukasiak’s paparazzi hallway meltdown and that Sharpie magic marker “Suspended” which Abby had scribbled all over Chloe’s face.  So it was anyone’s guess whether they would be joining all of us for the next competition.

Turns out that Kelly had tried to reach out to Christi during her stint in the Witness Protection Program, but had not received any response back from her BFF.  Within the first three minutes of the episode she was already starting a slow boil about the whole situation, and I was already slowly fogging up on how many times she had actually tried to call and text Christi or why they were actually fighting in the first place.

Somehow between all the Poland Springs water bottles being tossed in Cathy’s face last week, it appeared that Kelly had managed to somehow offend Christi via an unintentional slam against Chloe.

Or something.  They’re fighting.  That’s all that really matters.

Naturally, the C&C Dance Factory showed up at the studio as we started out, and if they could make it past the front desk guards the whole gang would be back together again.

Every time a Mom stampedes out of the ALDC they are contractually obligated to come back with their tail between their legs and say that they are only there because their kid wants to dance.  Trust me.  I’ve seen the paperwork.

Christi apologized to Abby, the competition, the guy at the toll booth and to anyone else who would listen and then scooted Chloe back to Studio A for some high pitched screams and hugs.

Mom was pretty proud of the fact that she got up the kahunas to waltz back in after all the pre-suspension hallway drama, but all Abby could focus on was the actual size of those kahunas.  As in she felt that it was pretty ballsy of Christi to even show up.

Incredibly ballsy, as a matter of fact.  Enormously ballsy.  Like there’s probably a dashboard camera photo of those kahunas somewhere in Russia that keeps getting mistaken for the giant asteroid that almost took out the Kremlin.

And then Abby said the word “Balls” way too many times for my liking and I had to mute the television before she gave me intimacy issues.

As the Pyramid began, it was clear that Kelly and Christi were not going to play nice in the sandbox this week.  You might want to get your finger on the 5 second delay censor button, Mr. Lifetime Audio Guy.

Bottom of the triangle went to NiaPaige and Kendall. 

Nia was in the basement because Mom Holly had called Abby a “Monstrosity of Evil” during a minor hissy fit, and had gotten her duet pulled from the competition.

It should be noted that when you have a Ph.D. you call people things like “Monstrosity of Evil.”  When you don’t, you just call them fat.  Or ugly.  Or both.  Am I wrong?

Paige had been caught in the duet crossfire, so she got dumped next to Nia because you can’t have a duet with just one person.  Kendall hadn’t even placed in the top 10 after months and months of Mom’s nagging to get her a solo, and since there was no 4th level to the Pyramid , Abby had to stick her on Deck Three.

Second Tier was all about Mackenzie and Brooke.  Reasoning?  MackaBooBoo had done a good…but not great…job and Brooke still needed to smile and work on being a role model.  But most importantly, Abby needed to leave the top open for Maddie.

Who was back with a vengeance.

This time around everyone was headed to Ft. Lauderdale for another In10sity Dance Competition.

Brooke and Maddie were given solos.  Maddie got all excited, while Brooke stared blankly into space so hard that I thought my cable box had frozen.  One smile.  That’s all I’m asking for, honey.  Just one.  I’ll pay you.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls all got to work on the group routine, which was a bluesy, jazzy Speak Easy liquor hall dance.

Jill pulled out her cell phone and Googled Speak Easy while Christi sulked and Kelly boiled a little hotter.

I swear Jill’s phone gets more blinged out each week.  I need to pay more attention next time, because I don’t remember it having that ginormous piece of Mariah Carey ice on the back the last time she flung it at somebody.

Then I sat on my remote and got switched to either The Hills or some teenage show about two girls who text and fight and make up and then text some more and drink too much.  Or maybe it was just Kelly and Christi starting in on each other.  I’m not sure.

But somebody didn’t call somebody else even though the other person said they did call and one of them never saw a text from the other one even though both of them certainly know how to use an iPhone since they never put the freakin’ things down and then somebody accused somebody else of making out with their boyfriend under the bleachers after school.

Or something.  But that’s totally how they talked.  OMG.

Then somebody noticed that Squeak Toy Sophia Lucia was MIA.  Again.

But this time it wasn’t a movie with Meryl Streep or whatever it was she had going on out in Hollywood the last few months.  Nope.  This time she just realized that these Moms were cray cray and the tiny thing pried open the bars of her cartoon cage and headed for the other hills.

Run like the wind, Alvin.  And don’t look back.

During the group rehearsal, Abby was still holding a grudge against Christi’s kahunas and was taking it out on Chloe.  Big Time.

You.  Girl in the front.  Hey.  You.  Blondie.

Remember my name.  FAME.  You knew where this one was going.  And it went there.

After a little Christi nutty, Melissa and Kelly went down into that odd little costume warehouse/swap shop thing to whine a little.  The scene itself was pretty insignificant except for the hilarity of seeing Kelly whine about Christi in front of one of those HomeGoods country store plaques that said “No Whining.”

Well played, Mr. Lifetime Prop Guy.

After lurking in the shadows for the past few weeks, it was time for Sasha Nia to get her Laquifa back, and she werked it right down to Miss Abby and asked to have the duet put back on the marquee for this week.  No Mom.  No nuthin.  Just Laquifa and some crazy hair.

Miss Abby loved the fact that Nia had the (…slightly smaller…) kahunas to come down and ask for something without dragging Holly along, and you totally knew she was going to cave and let them do the dance, but she stalled for a bit just to mess with another child’s head.  Cuz that’s how we do, mmmkay?

Abby needed to see the dance again, just to make sure that Nia and Paige hadn’t erased the routine from their ALDC memory chip.  So everyone came down to the studio and then they….umm…then…I don’t know…

Honestly, I got so distracted by all of Abby’s matchy-matchy jewelry that I started picturing that room in her house again, all the way down at the end of some Wizard of Oz hallway, filled with nothing but Zip-Lock baggies and those color coded HSN hanging jewelry bags and forgot to pay attention.

But I saw on a commercial that they did the duet, so I guess it went well.

And now, you too can try and remove this visual scar from your brain:  Abby Lee Miller, standing in her underwear every morning, trying to decide if she feels Purple or Orange or Yellow today and then going to some  massive hi-tech motorized Wall of Pantone Headbands to choose just the perfect hue to sync up with yet another StarFish ring.

You’re welcome for that.

And then there was a seemingly endless montage of Kelly and Christi moments.  Some involving them.  Others just involving random Moms talking about all the shade they were throwing towards each other.  Complete with another couple rounds of who called and texted whom and when and why and how life went on without Christi.

Umm.  She knows she was only gone for 7 days, right?

Finally, it was Showtime!

The makeup room was full of aerosol and tension as Kelly and Christi both pretended that the other was invisible and went on with their curling iron business.  A couple more minutes and you knew some explosion was going to set off the sprinklers.

The judges all wore those Microsoft headset microphones you wear when you play World of Warcraft.  Whatever.  Just needed to be said.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  She did great, and flipped Sophia another Bird by doing as many signature spins as she could before she blacked out.  Take that.

Brooke’s solo was good stuff entitled “Careless.”  Or “Care Less,” depending on who you talked to.  But according to Abby, the old Brooke was back.  Which bodes well for the dancing part, but still not great if you’re looking for anything close to a smile.

Baby steps.

Nia and Paige brought some big hair and big attitude on stage for the postponed duet and everyone was a happy camper.

The Speak Easy group number required that real money be pinned and stapled and hot glued all over the costumes, which was clearly done more for the pleasure of Abby trying to bankrupt the Moms than for serving any real decorative embellishment purpose.

The moral of that story?  Dollar bills on the outside mean you’re a Speak Easy flapper.

Dollar bills on the inside means you’re working your way through college.  Just saying.

Maddie did some more mean spins on stage and Jill did Gangnam Style in her seat.

For real.  And I can’t un-see it.  Ever.

Then some kids won some stuff.

The highlight of the awards ceremony was Lady Killer Lucas Triana back in the hizzle!!  Everyone’s favorite one leg straight up in the air boy from Dance Moms: Miami was chillin’ on stage and got all the girls a little giggly.

Cuz the little dude’s a Playa.  And probably still my hero.

And then it all hit the fan.

Kelly and Christi went outside to (bleep) and (bleep) their way through a few more rounds in the You Should Have Called Game.

And those bitches went full-on Mob Wives.

Screaming.  Swearing.  And more swearing.  You should have.  No, YOU should have.

(Bleep) you.

No.  (Bleep) you.

OMG.  They, like, totally Unfriended each other.

Delete.

TTFN.


%d bloggers like this: