Posts Tagged ‘International Fresh Faces’

Toddlers & Tiaras: The International Fresh Faces Pageant Is All About The Face. So Take That…And Rewind It.

Sunday, November 27th, 2016

twice

 

 

So lemme get this straight. First you take my crown. And now you’re taking my toys? HellNaw.

 

 

bc1

 

 

I dunno. I mean…I just…I just can’t imagine not having this T&T blog to read every week.

 

 

ceye

 

 

 

I heard that Boys don’t make passes at Girls who wear glasses. Gimme a few minutes…

 

mb1

 

 

 

 

That bitch is #Goals.

 

 

 

p

 

 

 

 

Now I see one boob.

 

 

fu

 

 

 

At first I was all like “Yo. Hold my drink while I f*** this bitch up…” but then I was all like “Never mind. I think I got this.”

 

w

 

 

 

She ain’t touching this one, I can tell you that. I’m down to my last full box. And Mama likes.

 

 

 

Let’s Face it.

You know I’m all about that Face.

And this Face.

f1

And this Face, of course.

sugar-2

And this vintage Face, served with a side of #Attitude.

giphyAnd these Faces, for sure.  Clutch the pearls.

thb

And this Face.  ‘member this one?  Holla at yo’ Coupon Queen Mama.

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And whatever’s going on with this Face.

fight

And this Face again, but with different hands.

f2

And these Faces, both which gave me such #LIFE that I had to walk away for a moment.

mp

And these Crazy Faces.

selfie

And every Face this Face ever made.

jkall

But let’s Face it.

We’re two episodes behind in our weekly Toddlers & Tiaras Quality Time because somebody at TLC thought it would be a good idea to stretch the Super-Sized 2 Part Season Finale around the Thanksgiving Holiday Season when everyone in the Real World was either slaving away over a hot plastic stove…
stove

…or waiting in line at Best Buy for a $5 Black Friday plasma screen.  So…yeah.

To whoever thought that was a good idea:v2tsqvxBut now we’re back.  And basically two episodes and three hours behind in recaps.

So no bathroom breaks today.

Let’s do this.

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The last time we saw our heroines, Kim‘s Barbie Dream SUV was still parked outside some strip mall dance studio and tiny Selyse was still locked inside Cambrie Littlefield‘s Panic Room.pinkLook at how tiny her fingers are.  She couldn’t dig an escape tunnel if she wanted to…

fingersAs you’ll recall, Selyse was put into Solitary because she had been acting like a 3 year old during the Cambrie’s Court team dance rehearsal.

As you’ll also recall, Selyse is 3 years old.  So there’s that.

Look at that face.

sCambrie wanted Kim to make Selyse go to sleep, yet never really clarified if that was supposed to be accomplished with pills, a lullaby or a mallet to the head.  But since Cambrie is #Goals, I’m going to assume she meant Hug It Out, because violence is never the answer.

Don’t do NyQuil.  And stay in school, kids.

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Eventually, Kim knocked down the door, rescuing Selyse…

ks

…and then hustling her into the Barbie Dream GetAway SUV where there was already another unexplained randomly placed child in the back seat who clearly was not in the mood for paparazzi today.

kkSide note:  I love Kim.

She gets a bad rap from a ton o’ chat rooms and people on Twitter who still have the egg icon as their photo, but I think she’s a hoot.  And y’all know by now that I’m an equal opportunity snarker.

Just ask Paisley Dickey‘s Mom.  #PrettyWoman.

toddlers-and-tiaras-paisleyI literally dragged her through the first 6 seasons of this show, but couldn’t love her more.  She and that kid are sweeter than Pixie Stix, I swear.  If they ever remix that Booger Song with a stronger bass beat I would totally use it in Step Class.

We love Kim.  She’s a mess.  But it’s the good kind.  So it’s all love.

kim Just like Kallyn‘s Mom Megan loves her vino.  Or almost as much.

m2

Look at that.

Make yourself at home in our Thomasville showroom, ma’am.m3Do any of these Pageant Moms even own shoes?

Megan is HIGH-larious.  But it was her husband Brandon who took top prize this time.

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Part Yogi Bear‘s overwhelmed BFF…

yogibearbdcap3_originalPart Fire Island stuffed animal and part every shop teacher who ever lost a finger in every high school in America when he puts on his protective glasses…

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…Brandon was 250+ pounds of weepy #ProudBabyDaddy, who got choked up every time he tried to talk about his #Daddy’sGirl Kallyn.

bcTrue Fact:  There is nothing like a Father’s Love.  Don’t ever take that for granted, kids.

We also met some boy that I’m going to assume is Kallyn’s brother…

bobby…who looked really familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him from where exactly.

tumblr_ma7wf7dxvb1relflqo3_r3_400Dad made some shirts for the upcoming pageant in a variety of colors…shirt1cznomcmwaaevkyt shirt…and proved again how much he loved his kid and iron-on heat-set lettering from Joanne’s.

Side note:  Jaimie/Adele kept showing up in clips where she was standing in front of a #ChoreBoard.

I’m not sure why the kid on the left had more chores to do than the kid on the right.

25_adele_560x375ju25_adele_560x375I’m also not sure why one of the chores wasn’t ‘Clean This Damn Chalkboard’ because that thing hadn’t been washed since the last time Jaimie went on tour.

C’mon.  How can you not love Jaimie?

Side note #2: Kallyn smelled Hot Pockets being microwaved down the hall and completely spaced out during the interview process.

hot1hot2No clue where she gets her lack of focus from.

dayHit me, bartender.

Moving on, we headed back to LensCrafters to finally get an explanation as to why Cambrie had been holding all her Team Meetings in an optical shop.

docMystery solved.

According to the blurred-out 2nd row, all of Cambrie’s kids are blind.

FDA Disclaimer:  There is no known connection between 20/700 eyesight and taking collagen spray shots directly in your open orbital cavities.  None whatsoever.  So don’t even bother calling your lawyer.

Look at how cute the kids look with goggles.

g glassesBut you didn’t need your new specs to see Hallee’s Mom lounging on her giant Roomba, did ya?

roomba

Because there she was again, chilling back all carefree and shoeless while the Taco Bell dog licked his burrito hole on national television.

And that’s Elicia.hm

With an…

mlsvulAnd a smokey eye, ‘mmkay?

seyeElicia’s a cheer coach and the Most Hated Mom on the pageant circuit right now.

She also holds the record for cooking the most hot dogs in one day.  You see that spread?

emI love how her husband Mark always had the same look on his face no matter what scene they were taping.  The only thing that ever changed was the designer logo on his shirt.

That’s the only way I knew it was a different day.  #TrueStory.

And excuse me.  How about Lola?

lola

So.  Cute.  Drop Dead Cute.

And since the upcoming International Fresh Faces Pageant was strictly Neck-Up, Jaimie figured Lola was a shoe-in for Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Lola’s Mom Jessica even took time off from filming an episode of Grey’s Anatomy to grant an interview before scooting out to her (…Spoiler Alert!…) BoxAerobics class at the Y.

jess jess1

You just wait.

Oh.  And Piper‘s back.  And her Mom Katie.  And her Dad with the Cowboy Hat.

gk k3

No shoes, tho.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Lola’s Secret Weapon was her #Wink.

lola l1 l2Because it was.

Anyway.  I hope you’re safely reclined in your Carol Burnett Fainting Couch…

k3

…because right here was when the T&T Train went off the rails.

Piper was going on stage this weekend…with NO flipper.pipI know, right?  That’s crazy.

k1Spoiler Alert:  Actually, that’s not crazy.  This is crazy.

kBut not yet.

That’ll have to wait until Showtime.

Which was just about to start, as soon as we were introduced to Co-Directors Poncho and Michael.

And as soon as I regained consciousness after inhaling all their awesomeness.
looktumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500m7tumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500birdJust. Yaaaaaassssssss.

Since this pageant was all about the Face, nothing below the neck even mattered.

Not the costumes.  Not the fancy footwork.  Nuthin.

The judges were even informed to only score #FacialBeauty, which was so wrong it was right on so many levels.  Ugly Kids Need Not Apply.  Really.  I mean it.

Side note:  Don’t even ask me why everyone was putting a second mortgage on their homes to pay for cupcake dresses that wouldn’t even skew the numbers.  Don’t.

Lola from the Future even came back in time to host the pageant.

lf

Cuz Poncho and Michael don’t play.

Not with the rules (…Spoiler Alert:  Put that toy down, you greedy kid…) or with the pre-game State Fair festivities, which included games and rides and snow cones and a monkey drinking Windex.

monkeyicee

Oh.  And strippers.  With kids in the room.

stripper

Look at Magic Jimmy all like “Simmer down, honey.  You already got a horse in the barn.”cowboy

Megan whipped that iPhone out pretty fast, too, if you ask me.  But I’m not judging.

Her friend that cuts fabric down at Walmart is never gonna believe this one.iphoneAnd now that the lady folk were all wound up, it was time to get the 2 Day festivities started!

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Day 1:  Beauty and Swimwear.

ccc

Right out of the gate, things were a little awkward as both Cambrie’s Court and the Sassy Supremes were forced to share a makeup room.  It was all about tight quarters and even tighter hot rollers.bhurtsBecause Pretty is Painful, FYI.

redpretty-hurts-music-video-beyonce-part-2hotmessAnd Kim is always late, FYI.

ks1This time it was something about the flight just getting in and reading the text wrong and needing to feed the baby first because she’s a baby even though as soon as Kim got to the makeup room she sat Selyse down and fed her more cereal.  So I dunno.

I love her.  But she makes my head hurt sometimes.

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Disclaimer:  That wasn’t Kim or Selyse.  And you probably don’t want to try that at home.

Needless to say, Selyse had to skip the nails again and get snatched up by her Stylist Friend, who proceeded to run a full Spartan Iron Man course with a 3 year old sand bag under one arm.

relayThere was even an obstacle course that included stepping over empty Red Bull cans and racing up two flights of stairs.  Jesus take the Wheel.  And this baby, too, cuz she weighs a ton with all that hair.

Luckily, they ran right up to the lady with the iPhone chip reader who takes registrations, because Kim also forgot to sign Selyse up for this shindig while she was feeding her and misreading texts.

vest1

Look at how elaborate the back of that lady’s vest is.  Do you think she crocheted that herself?vestAfter a quick pit stop, they were $395 in the hole…but back in the race.

Selyse made it.  Barely.

So I guess nobody could notch out that curly piece of jigsawed plywood so every kid didn’t have to step up and over it before falling head first into the stage runway lights?

plywood I bet Brandon could’ve fixed that in under 3 minutes.  #SafetyFirst, of course.

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Clearly, the best part of the pageant was after they came off the stage, every child got to scoop up some stash from the massive International Fresh Faces Toy Toy Table.

toys

Because that’s what Poncho called it.  tinderBecause he couldn’t say Toy Table single…ular…ly.

Look at how precious.  What a little bird, right?

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As all that hilarity was ensuing, little peanut Kallyn was attempting to cross enemy lines and say hello to her friends in the Cambrie Camp.  Because she’s everyone’s friend.  Beautiful on the inside and outside.

By the time she hit the stage, it was all over.

kall

Cue the #ProudPoppaBear tears.

bAnd the #ProudMamaBear tears.  I knew she had it in her.

cry2#Deuces.

peaceCheck it out.  The middle judge totally matches that Marimekko chair.

middle kivet-chairs-blgoTo Infinity & Beyond Cute:  Caitlyn was next on stage and she rocked it as always.  Unfortunately, coming down from that performance high, she snatched up the wrong toy toy from the wrong toy toy table and got slapped down down by Poncho in front of everyone in the room.

You can not do that.

Relax, dude.  I think you got enough Banana Monkeys to go around.

banana Mom Charis was NOT happy.  She cried and then kinda blended into the background curtains.

charisMeanwhile, Piper was having a bad day.

She was grumpy and sleepy and her ginger weave was hurting her head every time someone clipped in a track.  Take it easy, woman.  I’m not wearing a flipper.

phAnd as if that wasn’t crazy enough, Mark and Elicia with an E had decided to enter Hallee into the competition wearing a pantsuit.

That’s right.  You heard me.

A.  Pant.  Suit.

Who does that?

hrcrainbowAt least it fit, thank you Jesus.

Side note:  Using all this pre-game chaos as a smokescreen, my Boo Jayliana and Mom Deb were huddled off in the corner trying to convince pint sized Kallyn to jump ship and join Cambrie’s Court…where you can ride magical unicorns and get collagen facials 24/7.

Not gonna lie.  It’s pretty awesome.

Not as awesome as your Dad’s pink shirt and definitely not as awesome as whatever’s happening to your hair right now…

lesson …but pretty awesome.

Deb actually said “Gimme Knuckles” and set the clock back to Jersey Shore time.

But let’s be real.

The best part of this entire 3 hour block was when Piper spied her sister Harlie scarfing down a lollipop and was all like ‘Where’d you get that?’ and Harlie was all like ‘What?  This?  This lollipop?  The lollipop that’s supposed to replace all the crowns and parental attention you’ve stolen from me over the years with not even an ounce of regret?  This lollipop?’

h

(…Sucking Noise…)h1

This one?h

If you’ve ever competed against a sibling in your lifetime, you just saw Jesus.

And then Jimmy got a text that Piper was supposed to already be on stage instead sitting there like leftovers with half her hair still in a bag.

Codeword: PANIC.  And SUCK IT IN.*
h3

*Save a horse.  Ride a Pageant Kid.

Side note:  Anyone else see that Park Ranger show up right when Piper was running out the door?  It happened so fast I couldn’t even catch it with a screenshot.  What was that all about?  Please tell me there aren’t animals in this one, too.  No more #PoopGate please.

pbaBut Piper made it on time.  Barely.

And then she just kind of stood there on stage like a stalled car for a second or two, which was just enough time for Michael to get a jump start on his 2017 taxes.

tax

And even though it shouldn’t really matter since the whole thing was a Face thing, it got her Mom so worked up that Katie had to go outside and take a few drags on her vaporizer and begin the Meltdown process.

Hallee nailed her pantsuit routine with some Bollywood fingers and #Sass.

hall psI don’t know anything, but I know that kid is gorgeous.

Ditto.  Lola.

lola1The Swimwear portion of the competition went off without any major drama, aside from Hallee’s parents forgetting her suit back at their condo.  Luckily, Dad was back there changing into a different polo shirt, so he came running over with suit in hand to save the day.

And it had sleeves.  Which the judges L-O-V-E-D.

All the kids 3 and under jumped around like they had beach sand in their suits, while the older kids all werked the stage like they were in an MTV video.  Shoutout to Jayliana.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaScore so far:  Bonus Points go to the Editing Dept. who cut right from a clip of Katie stating that all Cambrie’s Court Moms are classless to this Mom in the audience.

cutI see what you did there, TLC.

Day 2:  Talent.

The short version:  Hallee didn’t want to throw her tuck in rehearsal, which made her Mom blow a nutty and in turn made Hallee cry.  Cambrie came at her with sharp Q-Tips instead of Kleenex because she wasn’t gonna do her face over again.  Time is money.

tuck

Kailia was back on her suspended aerial Cirque du Soleil ring thing snapping her spine.

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And Britney Spears sang during the breaks.

britneyAll the kids did amazing.

And then finally…2 weeks and 3 hours later…it was time for Crowning!

iff And Drama.

Selyse only scored Beauty Alternate, which really pissed off Kim.  Without reading the rules, I’m gonna have to assume that means she is eligible to take over the crown if the reigning Miss Fresh Face is no longer pretty anymore and can no longer hold the title.  Is that right?

Jaimie/Adele was all like #ToldYouSo about that #LegitHotMess.

gmm

Cambrie was all like #OyVey.

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Kallyn got Queen.

Dad cried again and then Mom straight up Ugly Cried so hard the curl came out of her hair.

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Piper got another Beauty Alternate title and threw some gang signs and then Katie lost it.gangkPiper was robbed.  #ByeByeBitches.

And then…Wait.  What?

Did you…?  No way.

#MoreNisa.  Visit my Kickstarter Page.  I’ll pay if I have to.

Jayliana took Beauty Photo Supreme.

I love how Jayliana is always happy with whatever title she gets.  Even at Crossfit.

I was proud.  Mom was proud.  Deb even had a hazy dream sequence remembering all the times Mustache Guy lurked in the background for some reason.

mgSo take THAT and rewind it back, yo.

rewindtake-thatJayBae’s Mom got the beat to make your booty go (clap!)

Kailia scored First Place in the Talent category (…no surprise, girlfriend…) and then Lola took Grand Supreme, which came with a sparkly crown, an envelope full of hot cash and a role as Vanity from Apollonia 6 in the new Purple Rain reboot.

pr

Am I wrong?  Look at that doll.

Drumroll.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  You’re Ultimate Grand Supremes.

Ages 7-8:  Emily!  From the Dueling Cousins Show!  Hey, Mom!

Ages 9-11:  Hallee!

crw

Now everyone was crying and cheering and crying some more.

AND it was Hallee’s Birthday!  Best.  Present.  Ever.

They even took her out back and made her do that Sorority thing where you crawl under the legs of all your sisters and they spank you like a naughty girl.

Anyone else catch that player sneaking in for a touchdown when the game was already over?

play

You’re a Real Boy now, Pinocchio.playerAnd then it happened.

All the stress from an entire season of glitz pageantry and all the leftover Me & My Pet poop just hit the fan.  Hard.  In the hall.

Kim was doing one of her confessional interviews behind one of those accordion wall/door things…fight

…when she spied Lola’s Mom snooping through the cracks.

doorSide note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kim was hormonal.  And pregnant.

Hormonally pregnant.

Because that’s kind of important.

I see you out here.  You really want to do this?  Why you spying?
bring-it-miami-and-divas-and-dolls-oh-my-and-l-mcctuj

I know you’re in there talking s*** about Sassy Supremes.kourtney-kardashian-amaazing-look-starbucks

You wanna talk s*** about who’s talking s***?  You’re talking s***.  All season.toddlers-tiaras-when-its-slots-and-tots-and-l-l-cgz0_v

Jaimie even came out of her own interview for a second but then thought better.  Cleaning up this hot mess ain’t on the list, honey.

chores

And then this happened.bball_7_gif2

Dat’s rite.  Jessica threw her damn drink right in Kim’s damn face.

watermad-goldiewaterLook at how she even squeezed the cup to make sure the lid popped off.

This ain’t her first rodeo.

Jaimie came back out and tried to youtube the fight but had her phone facing the wrong way.

youtubeAnd then Jessica took off and left Kim and Jaimie alone in the hallway to have the most uncomfortable confrontation ever under the worst harsh lighting imaginable.

lightsIt was long and involved and exceptionally dramatic.

#ByeFelicia.

hotel

Jaimie busted out the back door and told somebody to either take off her dress or her live mic pack.  It wasn’t really clear and she was already out of the shot, so…

And then it was over.

Elicia called home to make sure this s*** was DVR’d and to remind the sitter to walk the Taco Bell dog.

phoneCambrie was still giving #Face and #Goals.

f1Jaimie was vowing to come back bigger and better next season.

joAnd I’m waaaaay past the word count they say makes for an enjoyable blog post.

So that’s it.

We made it through Toddler 2.0.

And I couldn’t have done it without you.  Really.

But I’m gonna leave before I get emotional.

bc

Let’s do it again soon.

Like next season, maybe…right, TLC?

Sparkle, baby.

Muah.toddlers-tiaras-beach-beach-baby-its-finally-l-3r6lsz

Toddlers & Tiaras: Beach Beach Baby Part Two. You Better Pack Your Shades And Smelling Salts For This Trip, Kids.

Sunday, November 13th, 2016

ew

 

 

If they gave away this much shizz when I was working the circuit, I woulda scored big. Dang.

 

 

ah

 

 

 

While that baby’s screwing with her bubbles, hit me with track #2 and I’ll sing y’all a little sumthin.

 

thb

 

 

 

Pardon me, Miss, but am I the only one who recognizes that bouncer dude from The Matrix?

 

sh5

 

 

 

Remember the plan, old lady. You fake a major stroke and I’ll snatch up as many crowns as I can.

 

ah1

 

 

 

Sweetie, Imma need you to pitch down that Whitney a few notes. Mama’s not feeling it, mmmkay?

 

bl

 

 

 

Swear to Gawd if I open this door and she’s laying on the damn floor again, I’m gonna lose it…

 

 

 

‘Merica.

I swear.

rwb

You catch those elections?

Lawd ha’mercy.

lynda-carter-wonder-woman-viralnetics-10

Now I know how Sharilynne felt.

And speaking of.

Toddlers & Tiaras rode right in on the coattails of America’s Choice 2016 this week, making us all hit our head on the ground at least two more times with the conclusion of Universal Royalty‘s cliffhanger Beach Ball Beauty and Swim Suit Cutie Pageant.

Yup.  You heard me, America.  It’s true.

We chose a President AND a new Ultimate Grand Supreme all in the same week.

And we survived.

47kwlAnd we’re all still friends, because I said so.

Sparkle and Unite, baby.

Sparkle and Unite.

Once we get Sharilynne up off the floor, that is.

When we last saw our little heroes, that nice Production Lady with the walkie talkie had just stumbled upon the lifeless body of Mehalye‘s Mom laying behind her hotel room door.

Side note:  She wasn’t dead.  So that was good.

Side note 2:  How cool would it be if the government passed an ordinance requiring that everyone tape head shots to their front door like they do at this Ramada?  Think how festive every neighborhood across the country would look.  Unless you had some really ugly neighbors, I mean.

door

False alarm on the heart attack.  Turns out that Sharilynne had just slipped on a wet spot in the bathroom and not actually had a full stroke.  So that was also good.

sound

Nice Guy Award:  Sound Guy A got points for showing concern for Sharilynne’s wellbeing before proceeding with the next shot.  I’m assuming the ‘A‘ on his Beats by Dre was a nametag, unless he labels his ears ‘A‘ and ‘B‘ so he doesn’t put his earmuffs on backwards.

Or not.  I dunno.  Take what little I know about toddler pageants and divide it by a billion and that’s how much less I even know about television production.

I also have no idea why the bathroom floor was so wet when the housekeeping cart was right outside the room, fully stocked with sponges and towels and a guy just standing there who could have ShamWow‘d the moisture away with just the flick of a wrist.

hk8c8881134-shamwowguy-nbcnews-fp-1200-800He got arrested once, you know.

The ShamWow Guy.  Not the one standing there doing nothing.

article-2421116-1bd6d291000005dc-160_636x382But wait.  What?

What’s going on back there?

hkCloser, please.

the-shining1_zpszqzysnyi

I knew it!o-the-shining-facebookThose Tiara Twins are EVERYWHERE.

I love them!  And their parents.

I wonder if Ron is still holding that goat.

fight1Time Stamp:  We’re still on the first scene.

Clearly, Sharilynne was having some anxiety over her daughter’s hairstyle.

This little number.

hair379973You remember that from last week, right?

And as much as I love me some Top Hat Boyz

thb2…I’d be remiss if I did not correct them on their Krispy Kreme and point out that it’s actually Greek Easter Bread, which was verified by a post on her hairdresser’s Facebook page after the episode aired.

Look.  He’s like 12.img_7473hair1Don’t tell me you missed the part when Mehalye’s coach Nikki Oh Nikki You’re So Fine Nicole couldn’t even touch her hair because it was still hot from the oven?

Almost as hot as Sharilynne when she started to sweat again, I might add.

tumblr_nnscdqv11k1rfvajjo1_500 fantumblr_inline_mw8mavnf5h1s2e3mnPoor thing was having a rough day.

Maybe if she hadn’t been lugging that monster Little Mermaid prop all around the lobby, her radiator cap wouldn’t have popped off.  Just saying.

Eventually, Sharilynne and Mehalye made it up on stage with their tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and some dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.

is

Please tell me you saw that guy.  All 370 lbs of him.

How rough does it get at these pageants?

I didn’t choose the Tiara Life.  The Tiara Life chose me, I guess.

And he was carrying a teeny tiny little plastic bubble machine that (…Spoiler Alert!…) didn’t even work like the directions said it would, like he was setting up a freakin’ JLo encore.  I swear.

Until my girl Miss Annette Hill shut the whole thang down, that is.

AwHellNaw.

anhYou’re not squirting bubbles all over my stage before the other girls do their #PrettyFeet.  It ain’t happening.  No, ma’am.  So you just pick up all your little toys and wait till the very end.

And tell your little friend in the sunglasses that he is FINE.

ann

MmmmmmMmmmm.  Mama likes.

I heart Annette so much that it gives me migraines.

After Mehalye & Co. left the stage with their Uhaul, Abby was up next.  She is soooo cute.

ac1

Side note:  Those are Cambrie‘s two Ultimate Supremes poking out right there in case you were wondering.  Check out Abby trying so hard not to look.

Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Did I mention that yet this week?

booob1Naturally, the wrong music began playing for Abby, but she kept right on keeping on like a PRO and got the job done.  I swear, between Dance Moms and Toddlers & Tiaras…c’mon, people.  Doesn’t anyone know how to make a spreadsheet in Outlook?

Abby killed it.  Killed.  It.  Her Mom Christie was so proud that she even threw another fistful of $100 bills out the window of their private jet.  Because she can.

tumblr_inline_n96vunkmhd1sdanxjChristie cracks me up.  I love her, but I don’t understand why she hasn’t reached out to me and begun the adoption process yet.  City living ain’t cheap here, Mom.  Chop Chop.

And then Mehalye was back up on stage again with her tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.  Really.  For a second time.

isThat dude was everywhere.

There he is blocking another guy’s view of the whole show.

issAnd there he is taking a call outside.  It’s none of your business.

homebanner7Spoiler Alert:  He even changed his clothes and showed up during Crowning wearing an eye patch.

crowning

He wishes.

t21

After some additional last minute drama when Mom forgot to turn on Mehalye’s Little Mermaid light and the bubble machine refused to work, the show finally got started.

glasses fireSharilynne tried to get the audience worked up into a frenzy by doing an impromptu Wave, but the only person who even clapped along with the music was Halle Berry.

hbSide note:  This woman in the orange literally almost went into labor waiting for Mehalye to get her bubble machine s*** together.  I’m not even pregnant, but the way that guy two seats down is looking at her is making me extremely uncomfortable right now.

pregFYI:  Patootie Kaydence also performed, but I skipped over that part so I could show you these two pictures instead.  She’s so cute I just can’t right now.

rug kLook at her.  You just know her lipstick tastes like jelly beans.  So.  Cute.

Finally, it was time for Crowning!

And let’s be real.  Miss Annette Hill don’t skimp on the goods.  Check it out, yo.

p crown tb

Sashes.  Tiaras.  And freakin’ plastic beach pails full of teddy bears.  No…YOU shut up.

Ummm.  And excuse me?  A MR Universal Royalty sash?

mr

Why isn’t one of those in the mail already, woman?  You know I like to look pretty at the gym.

Jaimie/Adele wasn’t really in the mood this week as she sat next to KayKay’s Mom Autumn.

Not at all.  And she was clearly gonna lose it if Kaydence got one of those titles they give at the beginning that mean you’re out for the rest of the afternoon.

#PageantMath.

She even did Wendy Williams hands to prove her point.

wwj j giphy#NotVeryWellTodayThanks.

Check out how Autumn and that lady behind her both have the same face.

gurltumblr_m072lubij61qa38qko1_500The Short Version:  Kaydence got a Divisional Crown and lots of toys and had fun.

k1 k2Mehalye got a Divisional Crown and kinda sorta had fun even though her Mother was just about to melt down on national television.  Give it a minute.

mTime’s up.

Sharilynne fell apart, racing back upstairs to their hotel room to throw herself on the bed and apologize to Jesus for Mehalye’s hair and to demonstrate how your Dreams are sometimes just out of your reach by trying (…and failing…) to snatch the room service menu reminder off the console.

sh4tumblr_lgu4v6zjd71qfacmco1_1280 sh3tumblr_m8yjdczls81qz6h5zo1_500sh1Trust me.  There was a lot going on in that scene.

You should probably just watch it when you have time.

And then Princess Abby won Ultimate Grand Supreme and the crowd went wild!

acMom lost her noodle.

chCambrie hugged this kid but I don’t want to say anything in case he’s her brother.

Eye’s up, Sparky.

boyAbby was psyched!

abcrownabb

Jaimie and Nikki?  Not so much.

cryBut no time for tears.  It was time for pictures!

Except that nobody told Mehalye, who was already back upstairs getting ready to put on her un-BeDazzled bathing suit and hit the pool.  Luckily, Nikki got the call in just the Nikki of time and sent her back downstairs, where photographic chaos was already ensuing.

denzel

It was panic in the streets.  Kids were either running in sugar-induced circles or falling asleep on the stage while Miss Annette kept screaming “Look at Denzel and Oprah! Look at Denzel and Oprah!” like she was on the TMZ Tour Bus.

denzel-and-oprah

Check out Abby giving #SideEye to that Taylor Swift chick who couldn’t keep her hat on her head.

sideAnd is that baby levitating in thin air or what?

And then it was over.

Except for Sharilynne’s pseudoseizure, I mean.

giphy-2Which she had…30 mins after crowning.

def:  Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (PNES) or pseudoseizures are paroxysmal episodes that resemble and are often misdiagnosed as epileptic seizures; however, PNES are psychological (i.e., emotional, stress-related) in origin.

In other words…

eyepsLook at those two poor EMTs who had no clue what they were walking into.

emtQ.  Is there a clause in the TLC contract somewhere that specifically states all men must wear sunglasses on their heads if they are to be a part of this show?  Because…you know.

fight

Christie, Hillary and Deb demonstrated Sharilynne’s scary symptoms.

ps1ps2hillary-seizure1dsBut thankfully, the cat scan came back negative and Mehalye’s Mom is back to…normal.allAnd then it was really over.

Psych.

Except for when next week’s episode started a week early.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

And it was all about The Face.

f2tumblr_m5o372sq3g1qdngw4o1_250f1

The Face.

The International Fresh Faces Pageant, to be exact.  The Big Kahuna.

The last competition of the season.  Like Dance Moms Regionals.  Or the Super Bowl.

No Ugly Kids Allowed.

They didn’t say that, exactly.  But it was implied.  And it’s probably on the flyers.

Look at her dog.
jjI have no idea who this lady is.newBut I know Kim and Selyse are back to seek revenge on the Sassy Supremes.3n

And Kim is once again with child, as they say.

But there are so many unanswered questions that will have to wait until next week.

Like why Cambrie held a team meeting in a LensCrafters store.

e2 eyes

And where Jaimie has been hiding that drop dead cute kid Lola all this time?

lola

And why anyone thought it was okay to lock tiny Selyse in the same empty Time Out Room where they used to stick Ryan Lochte every time he acted up on Dancing With The Stars.

toAnd why neither Ryan Lochte nor a 3 year old toddler could figure out the back door was wide open?

tumblr_inline_mkam3wpfvc1qz4rgpAnd then it was really over.  F’realz.

Until next week, that is.

When all our questions will be answered.

Or not.

Either way, I’m out.

Gimme Five.high-five-failAnd gimme Face.

giphy-1sugar-2

Toddlers & Tiaras: Only The Facially Gifted Need Apply. Job Requires Your A-Game…And A Fake Walmart Baby.

Thursday, September 15th, 2011

 

 

 

Slap me.

 

 

 

 

Sedate me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Save me.

 

 

 

 

 

Fresh off last week’s Julia Roberts Hookergate Scandal, Toddlers & Tiaras was back for another round, this time trading in the pleather thigh highs for something which they hoped would be a little more palatable for the viewing public…like insanity and border line racism.

It was the International Fresh Faces Pageant being held somewhere Down South, which you could probably have guessed without even checking the Comcast box, and it brought out the usual parade of crazy faced Pageant Moms and blank faced baby girls that we have grown to know and love.  The Director explained that to be in this pageant you need to be Facially Gifted, whatever that means.

I know that if you are Musically Gifted it means you can sing or play an instrument.  So Facially Gifted must mean you have a face.  Sign me up.

This show is whacked.  I’m already feeling some separation anxiety for the upcoming end of the current season, even though I have no idea when that actually happens.

(Please tell me I did not just say that out loud.  Please…)

By International I had foolishly assumed the Pageant Directors meant we would have the opportunity to view a lot of ethnic and culturally diverse costumed preemies poking their dimples and posing with pretty feet, much like an overly  spray glittered Disney Small World After All kind of thing, or at the very least a Ramada check-in snack table full of Foods From Every Nation like Saturdays at Costco.   My first clue that I might be off the track a little should have been that I was watching TLC.

The second should have been when Pageant Mom #2 got all gangstah and told her daughter to tip her crown sideways like the Homies do.

Yeah.  First four minutes out of the gate and we are already working on making fun of our first race.  This is gonna get good.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  We first get to meet 6 year old Paige, a little blond peanut stuck with those awkward kid glasses that apparently hide quite a vixen behind the thick lenses.  Paige may be lacking in 20/20 vision and front teeth, but she knows what she’s got.  She proudly yells…yes, yells…that when she takes off her glasses she is a Beauty Queen.  Bam!  Like those naughty school teachers who take off their thick specs, pull the pencil out of their hair and suddenly they have a wild mane of Farrah Fawcett layers cascading down over their shoulders and now everyone wants to stay after school.  Like that.  Except that Paige has to find her flipper, put it in, hot roll her hair, fight over which dress she wants to wear, get a layer of make up adhered to her little peanut face, drink some soda and then watch her mom pantomime her routine from across the ball room floor like a mime in a Kohl’s sweatshirt.

So maybe not so much like that.

Then we meet Sydney whose mom  Marlo is loud, proud…and insane.

I didn’t say it.  She did.  And she said it a lot.  And if you didn’t believe her the first time, Marlo made sure she proved it over and over again.  Like an odd MTV Cribs episode, Sydney and mom were chillin’ up in da hizzle trying on some fake diamond pageant lid bling and flippin’ hardcore gangster rap fingers.  Marlo said to twist the crown around to the side like the Homies do and then got all Word to Yo’ Pageant Momma in her face.  Well…as Word to Yo’ Pageant Momma as you can get in a pastel blue v-neck tee shirt from Quacker Factory at least.

Oh, those crazy Homies.  They must be the highlight of the PTA casserole potlucks.

After they checked one race off their hit list, Sydney and PMDiddy (Pageant Mom…don’t ruin the joke, please.) moved the party to the kitchen table so they could bust out some nail polish on Sydney’s toes.  Unless their home is built on some ancient Indian Burial Ground and haunted by mystical forces, I don’t really have any idea how simply by walking through a door frame PMDiddy turned into the Love You Long Time Nail Tech.  Check another one off her racial bucket list, because we just made fun of all the Asians in the world as she squinted her way through a mani & pedi for Little Round Eye Daughter.

Taking a break from Sydney prepping for the UN Glitz Pageant, we got to meet contestant #3 Madison.  Much like Bravo TV is required to have crazy ass Housewives and whacky gay sidekicks on air at least once a night, TLC appears to require every other episode feature yet another Madison.  I’m losing track, honestly.  Maybe it’s because the Pageant emcees like saying the name.  “And next we have…Madisooooooooon.”  Try it.  It is kind of enjoyable.

Madison is Sydney’s major competition, so they are both trying to ramp up their A-Game.  Madison’s mom is kind of hanging out a little, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why two other women are doing all the Pageant Mom work.  

Jamie is the Aunt.  Tina is Jamie’s mom and they are totally unrelated to Madison, but are shlepping her around for every pageant and doing all the leg work while the real mom does…something else, I guess.  Jamie seems to be ok with the whole set up, except for the part where Tina calls her out on national TV for never giving her any grand babies.  Thanks, Mom.  Really.  Nice.  You might want to put someone else on speed dial before you fall and break a hip all alone at home some night.

Little peanut Paige has only done lower glitz pageants, which must have something to do with how many rhinestones you hot glue on your dress or the weight of your hair piece.  Not sure.  But to ramp up her own A-Game they got her a coach, which was probably a good chunk of change and would explain why everyone got a little tightly wound up when Paige foreshadowed her upcoming performance and barely functioned and didn’t even turn around to do her living room practice walk.

Please tell me someone else noticed that gigantic tanning bed in the back?  What the–?!

That is way cooler than any AeroBed when you have guests drop by unannounced.  I totally know where I’m going for the Holidays.

Taking a break from race bashing, Sydney and Mom had to introduce us to Morgan.  Morgan is a cute little nugget of a baby who goes everywhere with them, and gets treated like a precious little gem, and is Mom’s pride and joy.  Hopefully Morgan will grow up to appreciate all the attention that is showered upon him by the family.

Except he never will.

Because he’ll never grow up.

Because he’s a freakin’ creepy rubber baby doll!

The expensive realistic kind that makes you spill your coffee when you come around the corner and it’s laying on the floor or when someone forgets where they put it and you find it in the kitchen cupboard when you go to get some cereal.  Sydney thinks it’s a hoot to take Morgan places and mess with people…especially to Walmart.

Like Walmart shoppers don’t already have it rough enough, you have to bring in Morgan and play mind games?  Thanks, but when I have an arm load of WD40, Hanes boxer briefs, fluoride rinse and 4 pounds of cheap sirloin weighing me down I really don’t need to scream like a little girl when I see a rubber baby peering at me from under the rack of cammo hunting overalls.

Krazy with a capitol “K” people.  Hopefully Marlo carried baby Sydney around more carefully than she does baby Morgan, because that poor little niblet is dropped and tossed and bobble headed around the country like a $500 bag of kitty litter with a slow leak.  Sydney does jokingly question her mother’s sanity early on in the show, probably using the secretly coded safe words that the nice lady from child services said to use if she ever made a phone call from a strange place.   Mom is jolly and giggly.  Can’t deny her that.  Just sleep with the light on, honey.

The prep for the pageant was definitely more eventful than the final result.  Trying to decide which dress peanut Paige was going to wear was quite fun.  Keeping in mind that she can’t see without her glasses, Mom makes her spin around in a never ending circle so she can inspect her 360 degrees and determine whether or not the blue dress is the Holy Grail.  By the time that little girl was cork screwed into the ground, she had no idea where she was.

That frame of mind unfortunately stuck with her throughout the entire pageant.  Spoiler Alert: She didn’t do so good.  When she tried to rock out with her Outfit of Choice flat guitar I had a bad flashback to Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars.

For real.  Hulu it.  They look exactly alike.

Sydney and Madisoooooooon both had the same hairdresser and make up people.  Yeeeouch.  Bitch stole my beauty team.

They also both wore cowgirl outfits.  Bitch stole my look.

Unfortunately neither of them won the big Uber Doober prize.  New Bitch stole my crown.

And that’s pretty much how it went down.  Marlo would say it was dope, homie.

I think a rubber baby just ran down the hall.  Gotta go.


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