Posts Tagged ‘Jaquelynne and Sylvia’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Beach Beach Baby. It’s Finally Time To Make Some Waves With Universal Royalty Pageants.

Sunday, November 6th, 2016

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I have a special pink room upstairs with no doorknobs or windows just for Eden. She’s pretty.

 

 

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You get them curls on point, girl. I know that little man and his blog are coming for me this week.

 

 

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So, yeah. $8,000 on a teacher’s salary is basically why I do all my cooking on that plastic stove back there…

 

 

ewdi

 

 

I know I didn’t come back just so TLC could pimp all their new shows in my shot. Get this s*** off my patooties.

 

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I don’t even work for that lady and she sprayed her stuff in my face when I got off the elevator.

 

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Lawd Geezis! She got that baby right in the eyes. She’s blind now but her skin is like buttah.

 

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And by ‘pretty’…I mean I’m pretty sure I’ll find Eden Wood some day and keep her up there forever.

 

 

 

Wait.  What?

Why you crying, Boo?

It’s only been a week.

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Really.  Stop it.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back already.  It’s ok.

No more tears, please.  We only like #HappyEyes here.

Well hydrated, wrinkle-free #HappyEyes.  Which (…Spoiler Alert!…) are way easier to attain than you might think, even if your orbs are still burning from last week’s Me And My Pet Pageant PoopFest.

So stay tuned for all the details.  I wouldn’t joke about crows feet on a 5 year old.

And neither would my Pageant Coach/Internet Girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield, who kicked off this week’s episode by taking the entire Cambrie’s Court contingent back to Amnesia Salon & Spa to celebrate last week’s poop-free victory and get yet another one of her favorite hangouts some free advertising.

spa1cLook at me when I’m talking to you, woman.  I see what you did there.

But it’s all good.  The kids deserved a congratulatory Spa Day, especially since they would be going back up against the Sassy Supremes at this week’s upcoming competition.

Cue the Split Screen.

ssDat’s rite.  You heard me.  After a brief hiatus, Jaimie and the Sassy Supremes were back!

And back with a vengeance, apparently.  Just check out the action over at Supreme Headquarters.

Surrounded by her Supreme Squad, some seriously retro ’50s window coverings and a whole bunch of snacks, Jaimie laid out the game plan for this week’s Universal Royalty Pageant.  S² was back, yo.
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And all the Sassy Moms were eating it up.  Literally.  Like soldiers preparing for battle.

All of them except for that one in the back, that is.  The one who couldn’t stop looking at whatever was happening up on the ceiling.  She even stopped eating a slice of pizza to check out the action.ss2

Whoa.  Now it’s over there.ss1

And now it’s back over there.ss3That little Mom who called Cambrie’s Court ‘Criminal Court’ is gonna hit her head on that kitchen cabinet if she gets herself any more worked up over the competition.

And isn’t that third Mom the one with the husband who always wears cowboy hats and almost threw down in a hotel lobby a few weeks ago?

Thought so.tumblr_mwtco7tntn1qde4uko1_500So the (…alleged…) word on (…Jaimie’s…) street was that all the UR Pageants were fixed.  Straight-up rigged so that Cambrie’s girls would always win.  Jaimie said it on camera.  I think she even sang it once.

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One:  Gurrrl, I do NOT wanna be around when UR Pageant Director Annette Hill hears dat.
2Two:  Gurrrl, I do NOT wanna be around when UR Pageant Director Annette Hill hears dat.

I love Jaimie, tho.  And Adele.  And Jaimie/Adele.

And this show.  Times Infinity.

Back at the Spa, where (…holla!…) Cambrie gets her own hair did, FYI…

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…the Court Coach was reliving some of the most emotionally scalp-scarring moments from her own pageant career:  Split Ends and Breakage.

True Fact:  Jackin’ it to Jesus can take a toll on a girl.

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And don’t even get me started on #HappyEyes of the #TexasTease.

But have no fear, America.

Cambrie’s Collagen Spray© is here!  And only 19.99 if you order before midnight tonight.

I know, right?  Cambrie Littlefield has a line of Pageant Products?  Who knew?  Because I didn’t.

Probably because she hasn’t sent me any free samples.

Or maybe because my mall doesn’t have a Pageants ‘R’ Us store yet.  Or both.

Regardless, I have no real excuse for my ignorance surrounding this necessary and life changing aerosol-free spray that not only miraculously restores elasticity to your damaged hair but also undoes all the wrinkly old lady creases you get from squinting while you finger kiss.

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#HappyEyes.

And #Goals.  I heart Cambrie a little too hard sometimes.

Side note:  When that P’R’Us store does sign the lease and that last Radio Shack finally moves out, you just know one of those Nisa Hooper Throwing Shade Sunglass Hut kiosks is gonna open up right in front of their damn door and the shizz is really gonna start hitting the fan.

Which reminds me.  No Nisa again?

nocryYeah.  What she said.

Anyway.

Cambrie had all the women yank out each other’s hair…tumblr_mczfcasmet1ql5yr7o1_400 giphy tumblr_mlbbfzaoro1ql5yr7o1_500…and then coat the strands with a few squirts of magic collagen made from the tears of unicorns…

cs…and suddenly the hair was not only invisible, but also stretchy and now stood a much better chance of actually making it all the way to Jesus without breaking off like uncooked Wednesday night spaghetti.

And then all the kids took it in the face.imagecoll1anigif_enhanced-buzz-8975-1359400095-0coll4

How do you feel about that?

cambrie z-formationSide note:  Look at Jayliana‘s Mom Deb when all this was going down.  Really?

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I don’t think so.

And that guy with the visor on his head wasn’t buy it, either.  These kids are kids.

tumblr_n3kfs0rbjc1svlvsyo2_250Deb couldn’t even deal and went home to have another cocktail on the couch…

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…where she lost her shoe again, forgot what year Jayliana was born and now I love her even more.

Side note #2:  Isn’t that Mustache Guy again?  Hit me.

mgtumblr_mr0svktnny1qf7ds7o4_250Finally, we moved on to some town that was clearly in the middle of a life threatening drought and met our first little contestant, who was trying her darnedest to paddle up a dried-out river bed and make it to safety before her teddy bear passenger got heat stroke and died in a pool of his own furry sweat.

boatMeet  5 year old Kaydence and her Mom Autumn.

k3 autKaydence liked baitin’ a slimy hook and fishin’ and huntin’ a whole bunch better than she liked getting her makeup done for pageants.  Getting that same wormy hook right in the eye might even be more fun for tiny KayKay than pageants, if we’re being completely honest.

But she was so cute that she can do whatever she wants.  She has my permission.

kMom was super smiley and nice and I pegged her as either a nurse or a teacher before she even blurted out that she taught school children for a measly $38,000.

People in Charge of Paying Teachers:  Shame on you for not paying our teachers more.

They’re grooming the future of our country, fercryinoutloud.  And that’s not even sarcasm.  The part about Autumn cooking dinner in an EasyBake Oven and hoping her husband doesn’t find out that $8,000 went to pay for Kaydence’s pageants instead of a new muffler might be…but gah.

And then the Gods of Reality Television gave us an early holiday gift.

They gave us this.
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And this.all

And all of this.allredPageant Mom Sharilynne and 8 year old Mehalye have arrived, America.
eyedeershmtumblr_mka8a17otk1s67vyfo4_250Exactly.

Love.  Them.

And it doesn’t hurt that Mehalye is coached by Nikki Nicole, who made it to the last round of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Day Camp.  Because, you know…Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Day Camp.

That’s Nikki Nicole right there, calling her lawyer because I called it Day Camp when I know better.

nn2Side note:  Mehalye also knows how to do the Cowboy Dip and you don’t.

Drop it like you’re diving for cover under the saloon table, girlfriend.

doorQ.  If that Christmas wreath around the deer head catches on fire, how are they gonna get out when the couch is blocking the door?  Or better yet, why are there two doors side by side in that house? And please tell me this episode was shot during the holiday season and that Sharilynne is not just one of those people who leave their lights up all year long?

I.  Love.  This.  Show.

Almost as much as Sharilynne loves Eden Wood.

Almost.

You remember Eden, right?

One of the breakout stars from Toddler 1.0.

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She sang that song ‘Cutie Patootie’ and had this whole situation going on in her room.

Eden even had her own spin-off show where her Mom Mickie would always fight with their old red haired manager.  The one who always wore khakis.  And there was also another guy who carried a little dog around all the time but I forget his name.  edensworldI think this is Eden, too.  If it’s not, it’s still trippy.

tumblr_lr8kv29ou71qdaej0o1_500There was also a whole lot of post-show drama that caused Eden to don a black wig and temporarily go undercover, just like when Luke and Laura had to leave Port Charles to escape the Mob.

jolrsd143 thIt’s a long story.  Google it, because I’m not sure if any of it is actually true.

But Sharilynne LOOOOOOOVES Eden.  That part I know is true.  You just wait.

First we had to meet 10 year old Abby and her Mom Christie and Christie’s black Amex.

a1 m1

Abby was redoinkulously cute.  Like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals.  But with a bow.

abby alfalfa

And way more money.

Like $1,800 for a dress.  And $650 for something I forgot to write down.  And $250 for hair.  And $35 for a spray tan not done on your kitchen table.  And $200 for flippers.  And something else that her Mom rattled off but the sound of my bouncing rent check drowned her out.

tumblr_inline_n96vunkmhd1sdanxj$16,000-17,000 dolla make me holla dollas.

And a privat jet.  Did I mention that yet?

h2Side note:  Her hangers don’t all match.

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You can fly all around the planet on a private jet, chewing on $200 worth of vinyl teeth…but Mama can’t pick up a case of Huggable Hangers on HSN?  #NotJudgingTho

Look at how cute she is.  Really.

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Side note #2:  Cambrie showed up in her daytime au natural makeup and broke the internet.

clFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for my girl Annette Hill to arrive.

ahtumblr_inline_ocefszbiuk1so6h58_500ah1Mama don’t wear no bun no more, boyeeez.

Annette is the Queen.

If it twinkles, sparkles or sounds like Motown…yes, please.

But more than ONE winner?  Excuse me?

You don’t see 4 Miss Americas when the show’s over, do you?

You know that’s right.

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This week was divided into 2 categories:  Beach Ball Beauty and Swimsuit Cutie.

And the whole shebang was chock full of celebrity guest judges and bad hair choices.

Like poor Mehalye, whose brand new Hair Lady sent this creation down the runway:

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But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the judges.

Yaaaaas, Gawd.  The Top Hat Boyz!  Both of them.

This one…

toddlers-tiaras-shut-the-air-lock-and-shut-it-l-9o8_vz

And this one…Full Disclosure:  Those are old photos to prove my point that the Boyz were only given 12 seconds of screen time this week and that there was not nearly enough glittery goodness to capture multiple shots.

Shame on you America for underpaying our teachers and not giving the THBz enough FaceTime.

And Mickie Wood!

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Wait.  What?

Mickie?  Does that mean…?

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Dial it down, honey.

Don’t even tell me…or Sharilynne, God help us…that Eden Wood is in the building.  Don’t.
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Too late.  She’s baaaaaaack.ewewthbBonus Points for that Top Hat #SideEye.  Snap, gurl.  Take my screen time, bitch?

Sharilynne lost her noodle.  And her glasses.  She cried so many times I lost track.glasses cryTo lighten the mood, here are the two girls who hand out samples at Sephora every weekend.

sephSomewhere in all of this hilarity was also when Mehalye sat in the lobby with her (…Spoiler Alert…) #KrispyKremeHair, refusing to do her on-camera interviews until Mom greased her #DonutHead and palm with a crisp new Andrew Jackson.

$10 Poorer:chair

$10 Richer:chair1If I got 10 bucks every time I had a bad hair day in grade school…srsly.

Since this is another 2-parter and we wasted so much time making collagen jokes, I should probably speed this up a little by just hitting the high points until next week.

Mehalye’s #KrispyKremeHair was a big hit with the Boys.  While the one on the left got hilariously snarky about her #DonutHead, the one on the right literally licked his lips just thinking about a hot one rolling down the conveyor belt.  You think they buy those suits off the rack?  Cuz I’m kinda digging ’em.

thbLook.  Marcy likes donuts, too.

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Sharilynne cried again and then crazy laughed, which now haunts even my waking moments.crazyAll the kids were cute on stage.  They always are.

aba kbaCambrie kicked #DonutHead out of the lobby chair so she could plop herself down in her new Miss Universe couture and pretend she was at a Real Housewives Reunion Show or something.

Girlfriend knows good lighting when she sees it.

rholv#Goals.

The producers got a little shady and did a flashback with Mickie Wood’s old hair and face.

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A couple of Moms and coaches gave hand cues, which we all know by now is not cool.

And then the TLC censors tried to cover up Cambrie’s full frontal with yellow Lady Gaga tape because there were so many kids in the ballroom.  Nice try, guys.  It can’t be done.boob gagathumbclboob

#Goals.

And then it was over.

Well.  Except for the part where Sharilynne went back upstairs and passed out behind her hotel room door while somebody was trying to dismantle Mehayle’s #DonutHead and somebody else with a walkie talkie was trying to come in to ask some questions.

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Side note:  That lady took her sweet time putting down that boom mic before coming to Sharilynne’s rescue, but I know those things are expensive.

And then it was really over.

Until next week, I mean.

…to be continued.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: You Know What They Say About Those Me And My Pet Pageants…Monkey See, Monkey Poo.

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

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Attention: License plate TTWINNZ. Your lights are on and there’s poop all over your back seat.

 

 

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Where’s my damn purse? I could sure use some of those animal tranquilizers right now. Lawd.

 

 

doodydoo

 

 

Jiminy Crickets! Pardon my potty mouth, kids, but the fudge nugget doody doo just hit the fan.

 

 

kr

 

 

 

I’m telling you right now I saw one that was this big. Either clean it up or I rub your pink face in it.

 

 

callyn

 

 

 

Speaking of. I sure scored some sweet s*** this weekend.

 

 

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Don’t say a word, sweetie. Just act cool and let them blame that poop smell on the baby.

 

 

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I know, right? He’s like the only animal that didn’t take a giant crap on the floor this weekend.

 

 

 

Finally.

We’re back.

And not a minute too soon.  Because I couldn’t hold it in much longer.

My excitement for this show, I mean.  That’s what I meant.

After a week off for some distracting Debate Night nonsense surrounding the future of our country…
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Toddlers & Tiaras returned to finish up what they started down in St. Louis.

The Me and My Pet Pageant: Number 2.

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I mean…Part 2.

peeweeLet’s just be honest here.

If you picked #POOP as your Secret Word or Safe Word this week…Game Over.  You win.

jd7bb4v7vhpzk2zbhvfaOn the other hand, if it was your Drinking Game Word…not so much.  You should probably check your DVR to see how the episode ended, because there’s no way you made it past the first commercial break.

520ba90e31598b420ab5ed342a4c132dI’m telling you right now.  #POOP is the word.

It was everywhere.  Literally.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our pageant princesses it was full-on Poopapalooza Panic as moms and kids alike were all trying to maneuver around a ballroom carpet covered in what CNN described as strategically placed Iraqi goat poo landmines.

Srsly.  It was panic in the streets.

p1tumblr_n6t7dzy6ve1qaqx8xo2_500People were stepping over it.  Around it.  On it.  In it.

And every time you looked down, it had spread wider and juicier all around the ballroom like…

tumblr_nr5yxhkpom1s9bqq4o1_500 p1…until my favorite Mom Deb stepped in it with her funky socks and lost her nutty.

Spoiler Alert:  I can’t even wait until the end of this recap to discuss the top Jayliana‘s Mama was wearing during Crowning, it was so good.  I mean…

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Can you even?  Because I can’t.

8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1e#StyleIcon.

And it’s already sold-out online, so don’t bother wasting your time going on the Neiman Marcus website.

According to most of the moms, the #PooGrenades had all been (…allegedly…) launched from the #TeamLyerly goat, even though nobody actually saw Blackberry discharge any ammo on the carpet.

And, honestly,  I’m not even sure when the goat would have had time to do that much damage since he spent the majority of his screen time cradled in the loving arms of Dad Ron Lyerly.

bSide note:  How much do I love the Lyerlys?  If that’s even how you spell it.  Is it Lyerlies, like plural?

Haters gon’ hate, but Ron cracks me up.

vintage-naked-winking-kewpie-doll-piano-baby-ceramictumblr_lzjxb6zetk1rogt97o1_500And Kelly?  You don’t mess with Kelly.  Because she will mess you up.kl3

Check it out.  I was creeping Kelly on the internet and found a picture from back when she hit her head on a beam in their barn and spent the next 6 months thinking she was Martina McBride.

kelly_headshotIt’s true, because it was on the internet.

Anyway.  Back to #Poopgate.

Everybody was ganging up on Ron and Kelly to clean the carpet, but they weren’t having it.

Not one bit.

And you know who else wasn’t having it?

My new favorite Mom Elicia, who was walking around the ballroom with her blurred out Coca Cola, cellphone and glue stick (…I think, or maybe it was a really big chapstick…) all like AwHellNaw You Pick Up Your Goat’s Poop, Little Man.

eGirlfriend was NOT having it.

She WAS having a smokey eye, tho, that was so fierce it could make a MAC counter girl cry.

e1And she was also having a ride around her living room on what I believe has to be the world’s biggest iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner.  And she was doing it with that dog from the Taco Bell commercial. e2gifs-01Where do you even buy one of those?  Not the Roomba.  I’ve seen those at Best Buy.  I’m talking about that round thing Elicia and the Taco Bell dog were sitting on.

Yo Quiero.

Somewhere around here tiny Kailia had a moment of rambling randomness, discussing her disdain for poop and Jello pudding that basically just served to reinforce the two things we already knew:  Her mom is crazy and a 10 year old girl has better French tips than you can ever hope to have in your lifetime.

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Needless to say, nobody picked up any poop before the competition got started.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.  With real animals.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Here’s Kim Kardashian the Bride, in a Mermaid Trumpet Spaghetti Strap Lace Corset Layered Ruffle Chapel Train Organza Vera Wang gown.

kim-kardashian-mermaid-spaghetti-lace-corset1.  I’m pretty sure that blonde chick was born with that hair.

2.  Kim’s marriage didn’t last as long as it took you to read that description.

And here’s Kim Kardashian the Pig, in a stroller, wearing the same dress.pigandy-dwyer-shock#MicDrop.

First on stage was Elicia’s baby girl Hallee, who held up the Taco Bell dog like the opening of The Lion King and then Walked  Like an Egyptian until her CD ran out of music.9u4jdSpoiler Alert:  Zebras.

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Next up was Giavanna (…who keeps spellchecking to ‘Giovanni,’ so I apologize in advance…) and Kim Kardashian the Pig in a tribute to Pageant Moms everywhere.

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I see what you did there, Gia, with your pig and your Walmart pajama bottoms.

And so did #JudgeJessica.  Look at how her hair takes up literally 50% of my TV screen.

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The other two judges didn’t quite get the shtick at first, but being a (…former or nah?…) Pageant Mom herself, Jessica McClamroch picked right up on all that slander.

As soon as Gia left the stage, Mom Kelly accidentally tipped the stroller over, knocking Kim Kardashian onto her back so hard that her legs went up in the air and her dress fell off, which is something we’ve all seen so many times that I’m not even gonna bother looking for a picture.

andy-dwyer-shock

While all that hilarity was ensuing, all that poop was still laying on the carpet out back until someone finally called the front desk and told them what was going on in their own ballroom.

img_2414Enter Employee of the Month Kim…kim

…whose face was so good that you need to see it 3 times.

www.NotMyJob.com.

Mom Marcy ran around showing Kim all the poop, which I’m gonna assume she could have found on her own if you put her on the scent.  But whatever.  I love Marcy.

Side note:  At one point Marcy even called all that nasty s*** by its scientific name of Doody Doo and now I love her even more.  Because…you know.  Doody Doo.  She’s in her 40s.

Side note 2:  Maybe they should have just called the folks at DoodyCalls.

Because that’s a real thing and now they just got free advertising on my site.  No wonder I can’t make any money off this thing when I keep giving away complimentary ad space.

doodycallsnj

Their website actually asks; “Pet waste piling up?”

Wait.  What?

At least they get to drive the Scooby-Doo van to work every day.

doodycalls-van-mike-k-5While Hotel Kim was downstairs giving HR her 2 weeks notice, Alycesaundra took to the stage with her goat in a routine that was completely lost on me unless I just missed something.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

rb goat1So a girl and a goat walk into a bar…

I dunno.  Both of those Tiara Twins are so cute I can’t stand it, so I’m going to overlook the fact that Alycesaundra walked on stage with a goat, slammed back a couple of brewskis and then picked up her goat and left the bar without paying her tab.  I don’t even understand the concept, much less why any waitress would serve an underage girl two root beers and a bottle of warm milk with a rubber nipple on it and then just walk away.

Did I already show you this?

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Because nothing else is making any sense right now.j3 bbjjThankfully, it was right about here when I realized there was not nearly enough Cambrie Littlefield in the episode.  No ma’am.  She’s my girl.  Does TLC even read this thing?

c#Goals.

And what about Nisa Hooper?  Are we really going another week without Nisa?

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We LOVE Nisa.  Remember that episode where she had too much to drink and got all like…north-west-wears-kim-kardashians-sun-glasses-ftrOr that time she had that massive fight with Cambrie and got all like…

tumblr_o46vwufpmt1qhzi2jo2_540…and then Cambrie got all like…

x-men-apocalypse-gif-56d595fe9ae5cOr maybe that episode hasn’t aired yet.  I forget.

Butt (…poop humor…) I digress.

Backstage, #Poopgate was out of control.

Kim came back with a bunch of hotel managers and made that face again.kimRon and Kelly still refused to pick up after their goat, which made Elicia put her #NisaShades on top of her head so she could get all sassy and wave her finger around like…

Aw.
e6

Hell.e4

Naw.e5

Ron never let go of that goat, FYI.
ronNot even when he got all Bill Nye the Poop Science Guy on Kim and tried to explain the difference between Coco Puffs, Goobers and Whoppers when it came to discerning what animal butt makes the best holiday chocolates.

billnyethehandjobguy-41470I don’t even know what’s happening in that picture.

Luckily, Kailia hit the rings for her Tarzan & Jane routine, temporarily breaking the tension in the room.  Or so I thought, until Mom Marcy prepped us for the number by explaining how her daughter was going to rip off her Jane dress like a Rain Forest stripper but not be wearing any pasties underneath.

Because she totally said that.

Newsflash:  Not everyone can wear pasties like a Boss.  Just saying.

eyes 8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1eKailia nailed her performance…kk1kk

…even though #JudgeJessica thought the parrot sitting on top of K’s Ring Thingamajig.

Side note:  Marcy was INTO Kailia’s routine.   Look at her face.

mAnd look at Mustache Guy.  There he is again.  He’s everywhere in this show!

I know who he is now, too.  Thanks to a slightly awkward recap a few weeks ago, I might add.

But I’m not telling you.

Just take a shot every time he’s in a scene.  It’ll be fun.

rb

Gah.  She’s cute.

#Poopgate Round 3:  This is when it really hit the fan backstage.

Ron and Kelly were screaming at all the other Moms.

All the other Moms were screaming at Ron and Kelly.

This new Mom right here went OFF on them all like Pick Up Your Poop, Bitch.

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And then Kelly was all like You Wanna Go Outside, Bitch?  Don’t Make Me Take My Shoes Off.fight

And then Ron was all like Don’t Make Me Put My Goat Down, Bitch.fight1
And don’t even ask me why Marcy thought she could stop #NervousPoop from shooting out just by putting up one hand like she was making a Force Field or something.

They’re not filming Fantastic Four, honey.  This is TLC.

Marcy also wanted to do an impromptu Cambrie’s Court cheer, because that always works to break the tension right before fists and Doody Doo start flying, right?

And, finally…to seal the deal…Elicia and her smokey eyes caught a good glimpse of Kelly when she bent over and before you knew it a simple discussion on whose butt was bigger quickly transitioned into…

Umm…well…

article-2446556-188fd31600000578-900_634x438Excuse me?  I don’t think so.  Not with kids in the car.

butt

I almost forgot about the pageant.

Tiny Emily hit the stage dressed all in pink like Reese Witherspoon (…where do they find all these little chihuahuas on such short notice?…) and rocked it like a pro.  Mom Alysha was so proud she didn’t even notice Mustache Guy sneaking up a row.mggiphy-5Side note:  Only on Toddlers & Tiaras is a rampaging zebra the most normal thing you’ll see.

Because that happened next.

 giphy-6Callyn‘s Secret Weapon Zebra just wasn’t feeling it that afternoon and refused to come up on stage with her for the routine.  Which kinda defeated the whole Me and My Pet theme, I guess.

But she still did great.

z z1And Mom was proud.

So proud in fact, that she too was oblivious to her surroundings.

mg1ty0wl4aAnd then it was over.

Except for Crowning and stuff, I mean.

But we wasted so much time with funny pictures and Drinking Games that I’m almost out of space.

The Short Version:  The Tiara Twins didn’t score as high as they would have liked, but they’re so cute it doesn’t matter.  They have a Greyhound bus with their faces on it, fercryinoutloud.

Callyn scored higher than her cousin for the first time in…I dunno…forever, maybe…and Mom was over the moon.  But the two girls are still Besties.  So don’t you worry.

And Kailia won the Mega Grand Supreme!  The Big One.

Mom was all like…

nm

And Kailia cried she was so happy.

When it was all over, one of the cousins pulled out her own eyelashes on live TV.

lash

The hotel’s expensive carpet still smelled like poop and Kim was in therapy at an undisclosed location to protect her privacy.

During the wild after-party, a goat photobombed the security guards.

enhanced-buzz-23031-1345556666-2And a judge photobombed the Winner.

cvvz8yzwiaektpc-jpg-large-2Because #BigHairDon’tCare.

Poop there it is.

moxiegirlz

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Really Stepped In It This Time. Shovel And Sparkle At The St. Louis Me And My Pet Pageant!

Sunday, October 16th, 2016

jw

 

 

Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.

 

 

maracy

 

 

I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.

 

 

jh

 

 

I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.

 

 

51

 

 

 

I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.

 

paint

 

 

 

I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.

 

hu2

 

 

 

No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.

 

kly

 

 

 

I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.

 

 

 

So.

Couple things before we get started.

One.  Yeah…I know.  I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner.  Like maybe not at all in a timely manner.  I know.
dance-moms-6x15-recap-melissa-should-be-sorry
My bad.

And I feel bad.  I swear.  And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms.  Look at how crooked my crown was.

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And now this one is late, too.

abbey-lee-crying

But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile.  Not my first choice.  Or even my second.  But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.

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Two.  Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?

gigThree.  For all you up and coming bloggers and journalist types:  See what I just did there?

In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties.  I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page.  I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs.  And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.

Because that’s how it’s done.

And that’s how I do, mmkay?

Make that 3 Dance Moms gifs.

Spoiler Alert:  Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.

None.  Which was not cool.

So here’s one.  And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.

Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from.  No wonder Nisa wears shades.

14680529_10154692001559903_709844173384260988_n

I love Nisa.

And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  The #Goals part, I mean.

The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.

Oh hey, Gurrrrl.

c1

Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair.  It’s dark outside now.

cnightSoooo anyway.

I guess we could get started now.

To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on danthatscool.com.

Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.

cowbThe entire park was shut down so Miss Cambrie and her little kids and her even littler bathing suit top could all slide down the chute and have some old fashioned splash time before heading back to the studio to focus on this week’s competition.

Look at all that right there.
sb1#Goals.  Whether you’re going to the Water Park or Coachella with the Kardashians, I guess.

Just #Goals.

And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.

sbSpring Break, baby.

They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…

cj_run

Bonus:  Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide.  Because she can.

mjslidemaccheeseAt this week’s Me and My Pet Pageant, the biggest competition for Cambrie and her pack of princesses was going to come from some familiar faces to all you long term T&T-ers.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaack!

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  The Tiara Twins.

sun2

 And Mom Kelly Lyerly.

kl1And Dad Ron, who we last saw dressed up as one of the Village People for some reason.

rYou remember them all from Original Recipe Toddler 1.0…right?

Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7.  The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.

Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office.  Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?

toddlers-tiaras-lamb-chops-and-doggies-and-sn-l-ulyvp7Because pet pageants were kinda their thing back then.  They won the last two.

And they were gunning for win #3 this week.

Side note:  Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness.  I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.little_rascals_moneytossFor this year’s pet pageant, they decided to head to one of those places where you can bid on live goats instead of taking your chances on eBay.  I forget which girl wanted to bring a goat on stage, but given their history with turkey and peacock props, moving forward without poultry seemed like a good idea.

Look.  This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy.  Cuz she’s fancy.

goatNumber 9422 and Number 9456 seem nice.  I like them.g3Number 9422 seems to like Number 9456, too.

g2Don’t look, honey.  ag2

As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction.  But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll.  Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.2318Time to restock the shelves.

g2To cleanse the palate and get the sting out of our eyes…sun

…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.
hu

Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey.  Just a little animated.  Like seizure animated.m3monkeyclmclm2

Let’s be honest.  Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.gif-monkey-smile-940834Marcy was so whacky that I immediately had to put her on my holiday card list.  Some people online felt that Kailia’s Mom was slightly bug-eyed, but it’s all relative, right?tb

Tonya Bailey.  Queen.  Don’t even argue with me on this one.

I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this… giphy-3

…and this…

giphy-2…and even this…

stretchstretch2Those are Kailia’s feet, BTW.  Up where her arms are supposed to be.

Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.41-frozen-katie-lopez-facciamo-un-pupazzo-insiemecdoor

Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…

c7699d00b4ed4e13075bcfc16642b022cdoor2“Bitch, I know you’re in there.”

Take aways from this scene:  Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.

Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.

We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot.  And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…

Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.

Next up:  The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.

Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.

Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.

crown shoes2You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

We looooove them.  Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.

You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.

FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.emilyash

Do the math:  Sibling Rivalry.  Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.

Side note:  You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.

And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?

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No wonder she’s so excited.  That is way better than any stupid monkey.  #TotesJealz.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.

Look at all that sweet loot.  Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner.  We love Jill.stashAnd where else can you find spray tanned legs, a bronze monkey butt and a pig in a stroller all in one place?  It’s like THE best Pier 1 Imports evah.  Jill don’t skimp on the decor.pig Look at how terrified that dog is, tho.dogEven the judges’ table got pimped out with snacks.

Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having.  And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp.  And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?

jtableI swear the judge with the giant hair looks so familiar.

Side note:  Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit.  Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe.  The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt.  And his gelled hair.  Because I just can’t right now.ron90dab38819536415230e6158570ab616Lyerly = Life.  Because that’s what they’re giving me right now.

Side note:  Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.

pig2 So there’s that.

Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.

Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well.  The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap.  Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial.  Because she’s Cambrie.  #Goals.

Emily was first up in Beauty.

And then the judge’s critique.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I give you Jessica McClamroch.

689df2564a90bab01983f5c4d6c9f7bfI knew she looked familiar!

j3She is one of my all-time favorite Moms EVER from Toddler 1.0…’member her?

jessShe’s the one with the big a** hair who didn’t want America to think it was all nasty up in here when a fly started buzzing around her house during taping.

j5Hashtag:  LoveHer.

And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.j6 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo4_500j159f8206c2920826b29caf79e486ab447 j4 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo5_500jThe rest of the Beauty portion kinda flew by after Jessica’s appearance.

And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown.  You see dat thang?  Dang.14568072_1215074351847700_4265855368280907370_nI mean.  C’mon.

Even Cambrie was all like…tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaMiss Cambrie knows pageant beauty when she sees it.

And then the s*** hit the fan.  And the floor.  Literally.

Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.

tumblr_lk9wlnsslj1qi4ns0o1_500A zebra?  Really?  In a hotel?

debThe email clearly stated that there was a 40 pound limit and the animal needed to be caged until taking the stage and could not be shipped in a wood crate across the ocean from Madagascar even if it did know how to do the Running Man.85042-zebra-dancing-gif-imgur-bvf2

And excuse me.

If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.
bouron
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Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.

40-1I think I’m starting to love these people a little too much.

And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.

jessYou got that right, girlfriend.

Oh.  And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.

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And then it was over.

To be continued…

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