Posts Tagged ‘JoJo Siwa’

Dance Moms: They’re Baaack! Let The West Coast ALDC Adventures Begin. It’s KendallK In LA…Wear Em Out, Girl.

Wednesday, June 10th, 2015

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Yaaaaaaaaaaaas! Rodeo Drive! Sunset Strip! Hollywood Blvd! Mama and her Amex are home!

 

 

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I can’t believe I sat in coach for 2,500 miles just to find out I’m the most normal one in the bunch.

 

 

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I can’t even see through the eye holes. Who keeps coming up with this crazy s***?

 

 

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Left Right Left strike a pose, oh oh. Mom stop wearing my clothes, oh oh… No. Srsly. I mean it.

 

 

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So, yeah. She had more people at her premiere, but I had way more hair. Let’s call it a tie, mmkay?

 

 

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No way. You just answer the survey and they give you a free Whopper? This one’s a keeper.

 

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Gurl. You see that mess? I don’t need a doctor’s note to tell me White People Are Crazy. Lawd.

 

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OhMyGawd. Please tell me you can’t see up my skirt in that Beyoncé video.

 

 

 

They’re baaaaaack!

It’s Dance Moms: West Coast Addition.

No photos, please.

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Finally.

Welcome to the ALDCLA.

Brace yourself for the time change, because all the MamaDrama and DancingTrauma that you’ve come to love in Pittsburgh will now be coming at you three hours earlier.  At least for the foreseeable future anyway.  Hollywood or Bust, baby.

After threatening and/or bragging about it for the past 17 seasons, Abby Lee Miller finally uprooted her team and moved everybody to California this week to launch the second location in her ALDC Empire.  It took a couple of trips, but now it’s actually happening.

And third time’s a charm, right?

The last time we saw everyone, the Real Housewives of Pittsburgh were all dressed up at the mid-season Reunion Show giving Jeff Collins some upper lip sweat as they rehashed the first 18 weeks of the season and phutzed with their holiday party hair.

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Well, actually, that’s not even true.

The lip sweat part is true.  Because that totally happened.  The Moms freak him out.

Side note:  Did you know that Jeff used to grocery shop for Leeza Gibbons?  Or cook her dinner when he was her butler or something.  I forget.  I only skimmed the Wiki page, but it was something like that.  How awesome would that job be?  You totally know she requires the crust be cut off all her sandwiches.  You can just tell.  It’s always the nice ones that are high maintenance.  She won Celebrity Apprentice, BTW.

Anyway.  The last time we actually saw everyone together was down under during their Australian Tour.  But apparently I missed out on some of that hilarity.  Or all of it, maybe.

Clearly, I slacked on the Aussie adventure and I’d like to personally thank the Twitterverse for publicly shaming me and making me feel all like…

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Basically, you missed a bunch of exceptionally cute koala bear photo opps, Maddie wobbling a turn that momentarily crashed the internet (…NewsFlash: She’s Human…) and my girl Nia Sioux (…that’s her new name now, I guess…) dancing like Janet Jackson.

Because Miss Frazier if you’re Nasty.

You might have also missed Mikey Minden being Fabulous.  That’s his thing, you know.  It just kinda happens, even when he’s sitting at traffic lights drinking a Starbucks.

And, of course, Jessalynn making some of the best crazy audience faces EVAH during Nia’s FrazierNation dance.  You missed all of those.  And they were awesome.

But you can clear your DVRs now.  Because you’re caught up.

For the third time, the Moms arrived in California only to find out that the new ALDC location still wasn’t ready for occupancy.  It wasn’t clear why, or when, or if the place would ever get a second coat of primer, a working door, a sign that wasn’t scotch taped to the window and a certificate of occupancy from Ryan Seacrest (…he still owns Los Angeles, right?…) so once again we were back at 3rd Street Dance for another Pyramid of Shame.ap

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s a nice enough temporary base of operations, but going up and down those 8 flights of stairs every morning has got to wear a girl out.  No wonder nobody points their toes anymore.

As everyone headed to the penthouse for Pyramid, Holly was still basking in the glow of Nia’s Australian concert as my MomCrush Jill began getting herself worked up for Kendall‘s own upcoming music video premiere.

Let’s get all the contractually required business out of the way early…

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Jill actually brought it up this week and it happened before anyone had even made it though the front door.  I forget why she even mentioned it.  That’s how fast it happened.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Jill seems to be transitioning quite nicely from Muppet feathers to breezy summer weight cold-shoulder tops.  The warmer California climate has to be a challenge for anyone who likes a good furry Star Trek vest and a popped collar.  I feel your pain.  Luckily, whatever Jill had to give up in layering pieces she clearly gained in Bump-It height.  Because that thing was closer to God than I’ve ever seen it.  And it scored the DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  Looks like somebody brought a GlamSquad with her all the way from Pittsburgh.  Hollywood likes MamaZ.  Half Jill Vertes/Half Ariana Grande, Melissa’s ‘do was definitely catching up to her new found LA fashion sense.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  This is a new one.  She is a freakin’ riot.  Period.

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Unfortunately, before the Pyramid could even begin, Abby had the first of what would prove to be many unexplainable Moments of Lunacy (…Spoiler Alert: The working title for Holly’s second book…) as she dumped the entire contents of her Old West saddle bag onto the floor in search of earrings.

Because if you’re going to lose your nutty, it’s important that you’re properly accessorized.

Side note:  We all know how everyone involved in this show has been overloading social media lately with complaints about editing and blah and blah and whatever and blah.

That’s why they call it social media, people.

But I’m sorry.  That hot mess of a bag didn’t have anything to do with editing.  Or fights with producers over creative differences.  Or even Star Wars CGI graphics, though I did half expect Jar Jar Binks to fall out of that black hole eating a cookie when Abby dumped it upside down.

Srsly.  There was a leftover Chips Ahoy with a bite taken out of it, some lady things that probably should have been blurred out like they do with Melissa’s mouth when she swears, enough scrap paper for a Coachella bonfire, a ziplock Baggie with whoknowswhat inside, half a kitchen junk drawer and even an acrylic fingernail that, thankfully, wasn’t still attached to anybody’s finger.

ab And then a commercial for this.  Hilarious.

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I see what you did there, Lifetime.

After Jill and Melissa dug through the Prada Landfill and found enough stuff to win the weekly Collins Avenue Scavenger Hunt, it was on to the Pyramid.  Which, after all that build-up, didn’t really matter much on the first week back.  Especially when this recap is already half over and we haven’t gotten anywhere yet.

The only thing I will mention is that Abby pointed out Maddie was on top of the Pyramid for one reason:  Her Humbleness.  And her insistence on including all the girls in her  world-wide success.

Which is actually two things.

Clearly, ten minutes in and Abby was already as messed up as that bag.

This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition.  Everyone but Abby, anyway, as she announced that she would probably not be attending the event.

Here we go again.

She rambled something about a contractor who shows up at the new location every day except Tuesday (…random…) and then I got so distracted by how flat her hair was that I stopped paying attention.  Guess somebody forgot their hot rollers back in PA.

The ‘Shame On You’ group routine was going to be a poorly veiled dig at Nia (…I think it was when she called Nia a traitor that I figured it out…) even though Abby initially kept the theme a secret from everyone.  Nia also scored a solo, entitled ‘Master Of Disguise’ where she was going to wear two masks on top of each other (…making her Two Faced, get it?…duh…) even though if you count her RealFace it would come out closer to Three.

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Nothing really made sense this week.  Let’s just call it what it is.

#StarInYourOwnLife.

#LetItGoAbby.

Speaking of faces.  I couldn’t keep track of the HollyFaces.  And I didn’t even try.  Going forward, I really need to figure out some kind of spreadsheet or Apple watch app or something if this is how we’re gonna play it for the rest of the season.

Gah.  We love Holly.

Kalani and Kendall also scored solos.  But all that mattered right now was Kendall’s music video premiere!

Before the premiere, the Moms did attempt one last united front when they approached Abby to try and convince her to come to the competition, but she ended up telling them that “This is America. We don’t have to do this.  We don’t have to be here.” which made so little sense that I dumped my own purse upside down and almost went to bed.

Honestly, ever since Vivi-Anne did her Fourth of July Citizenship Dance I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.

‘Merica.

sal And as long as we’re saluting…

It was time for Kendall’s military-inspired video to premiere at Universal CityWalk, which I swear must be owned by Lifetime since that’s also where Asia Monet Ray did her first booty popping live concert on Raising Asia.  Oh hey, Boo!  Miss you!

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It was a hoot.  Everyone was signing autographs and running in circles waiting for the premiere like it was another Nickelodeon Awards Show.  Jill was gripping the biggest Slushie cup I’ve ever seen as everyone escorted Kendall to the stage.  Anyone else notice the security guy who looked like a giant park ranger?

The crowd was screaming and sign-holding and iPhone-ing like it was their day job.  I was especially fond of these overly excited girls below.  I didn’t realize that you were only allowed access to the event if you had a cell phone or wore glasses.  I guess if you had a cell phone AND wore glasses you were pretty much guaranteed front row.

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And how about this guy in the Times Square Rockin’ New Year’s Eve hat waiting for his Nivea Kiss?  The Dad behind him with the kid on his shoulders hates his life.

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And is it me, or does that really tall dude seem a little old to be that much in love with Kendall?  Look at his face.  He hearts her.

And where were they showing this video, anyways?  Off the side of the Goodyear blimp?

That can’t be healthy to tip your head back that far for 3 minutes, especially since you know every kid out there was sucking on gummy worms or jawbreakers from the CityWalk kiosk.  You could swallow your retainer fercryinoutloud.

Bonus Points for how proud Mom was during the premiere.  The one thing Jill always puts before anything else is her Family.  Except for when the lighting is so good that you just gotta take a selfie.  Werk, Mama.  Werk.

jThe important takeaways from this event:

Kendall is gorgeous, like all the Vertes girls.  She kind of looked like Military Barbie, except that she’s not blonde.  So she actually looked more like Barbie’s dark haired friend in the military, whoever that was.  Was that Midge?  There’s so many of them in that pink Target aisle now.  No clue.

KendallK (…her stage name…) danced in what I originally thought was an unhealthy amount of helicopter exhaust fumes until I figured out that it was only the dry ice smoke they use at Celine concerts.  Some junior high kid jumped the fence and gave Kendall such a big hug that I almost called the park ranger to pepper spray him in the eyes.  I hope she knew the guy because he got enough KK to make him a Legend in gym class tomorrow.

And, most importantly,  Abby wore the same outfit on stage that Bea Arthur wore in one episode of her Maude sitcom.  Even the sensible shoes.

Wear Em Out, girl.

Bonus Points also given to #TeamFrazier for supporting Kendall and all the girls equally.  I know everyone does, but they don’t show it onscreen enough, so it’s nice when it’s vocalized.

Group hug.

Back at 3rd Street the next day, Nia and Kendall’s face and head props were all missing.  No masks.  No hats.  Nada.  Naturally.  Why does this show insist on using props when you already know how it’s gonna end up?

I mean…

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 As Kalani tried her best to not be beautiful during rehearsal (…that’s why the dance was called ‘Unbeautiful’...) Abby decided to dump out a second purse and go through all her receipts.  Because sometimes bookkeeping just can’t wait.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  I know we already did it, but when did this lady get so funny?  I mean, really.  She used to drive me 400% nuts.  Now she’s HIGHlarious.  Dot com.

And then they premiered the second video of the week.  Jessie J‘s ‘Masterpiece,’ danced to by all the ALDC kiddos.

I like Jessie J.  And I like the fact that it was the real singer and not the karaoke version that they have to use during dances.  I even liked that it was so similar to Beyoncé‘s 7/11 video that Jay Z is probably already on the phone with his lawyer as we speak.

But the best part was actually just seeing the kids be…ummm…what’s the word…?

Kids.  That’s it.  They were being kids.

They were goofing and spoofing and doofing around town like you’re supposed to do when you’re tweeny boppers and still swallow your gum if a boy talks to you.  It was fun to see.  Second DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval this week.

Finally, it was Showtime.

But we’re out of time.  Guess that’s what you get first week back.

Here’s the wrap-up:

The makeup room was actually the principal’s office.  If that.  They cheaped out on the venue this week.  Like Costco cheap.  What was that place?

Nia thought she looked like one of the guys from Blue Man Group in her costume, but I think she looked more like a cross between these two guys from the Beatles cartoon…

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Abby never showed up.  Which meant that Kendall never got a costume.  Which meant that Kendall didn’t dance.  #RipOff.

Melissa was looking FLY.  I’m out of DanThat’sCool stamps for the week, otherwise she would have gotten two just for that outfit and hair.  IOU.

Kalani forgot her dance but pulled another one out of her brain and won First Place.  Nia unfortunately lost half her faces before the dance even started and ended up with only Fifth Place.  That mask must have been like those plastic Kmart ones you wore on Halloween that got really wet under your nose after 30 seconds.  I hated those.

The group routine pulled First Place.  Dat’s rite.  The ALDC…LA…has arrived.

Too bad Abby didn’t.

They did try to call her at the end, but she was clearly tanked up on a double dose of Nyquil and started rambling on about hotel security guards and paralysis and having lunch with Elvis and how a unicorn was hogging all the sheets…and…and…and…

…and…

They just put the phone down and left.

Which seems like a good idea right about now.

See ya next week.

Muah.

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Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are Back For The Reunion. Somebody’s Gonna See Stars Tonight.

Wednesday, May 13th, 2015

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If I knew it was a Fashion Blog this week, of course I would’ve put on a damn dress.

 

 

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It wouldn’t bother me if every chair and couch in this whole place was #Empty right now.

 

 

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Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me?

 

 

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Megaphones at any Reunion Show are just a bad idea, kids. The More You Know.

 

 

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I’m just saying that there’s no way these boobs are real. Am I really the only one who can see them?

 

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Can we just go back to MoleGate before I lose my s*** and rip the other sleeve off this chick’s dress?

 

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Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia.

 

 

 

Well, my goodness.

They clean up nice, don’t they?

It’s the Dance Moms Reunion.  The one night when all your favorite ALDC Moms can get as blinged-out as their cell phones and sit around talking shizzz with Andy Cohen‘s brother from another mother, Jeff Collins.

That’s right.  Jeff was back to grill the Moms as only Jeff can.

Spoiler Alert:  Things getting too uncomfortable?  Feel a fist fight coming on?  Shoes about to come off?  Let’s just table that and watch Maddie spin around for awhile.

Oh, Jeff.  That was close.

And you know the love/hate relationship I have with these Reunion Specials, because they leave me with more questions than answers by the time Kim of Queens comes on.

Like…where do they film this damn thing?  I say it every time.  Where IS this secret Dance Moms Bunker?  I don’t even see any doors.  I’m not as concerned with how you get in as how you would ever escape it Abby Lee Miller really started to lose her nutty.a3

And where do they keep finding this infomercial audience?  I mean, srsly.

I love them.  Love.  But if they all went home with lovely parting gifts that I didn’t receive, I’m gonna be so upset.

And how about that guy with the green pants?  Dude.  You’re not in the bleachers at Fenway Park.  Put your legs together.  There’s kids watching this at home.

And his girlfriend with the giant “MEOW” on her sweater?  What?  Like the “BIFF!” and “ZZZWAP!” and “KAPOW!” you get every time Batman hits the Joker.  Maybe she thought this was one of those live audience things for Cooking With David on QVC.

And don’t even get me started on whatever was on that other lady’s shirt that had to be blurred out every time they swept the audience.  If there’s even the most remote possibility that your mug might end up on national television, don’t wear anything with Madonna‘s face or swear words on it.  Just don’t.

On the other hand, maybe the producers were so busy checking for weapons as everyone passed through the bunker’s metal detectors that they overlooked some of the more questionable wardrobe choices. Or maybe I’m just jealous my invite got lost in the mail.

Memo to self:  Go back and check the last Reunion on the DVR, because Jeff’s hair seemed…I dunno.  Maybe it was the colored lights.  Was it just me?

But we love Jeff.  Especially now that he has his pocket square under control.  Remember that one time it looked like a magician’s handkerchief that you could keep pulling and pulling and pulling until both of the Hyland kids popped out of his jacket?  Hilarious.

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Anyway.  Everyone got to dress up like they were going somewhere fancy.  But it didn’t look like they were all going to the same place this year.  It was a little random.  You’ll see.

And it was called “Seeing Stars.”  Because I don’t know why.

I’m not sure if they were referencing the Hollywood Walk of Fame ones or the ones that always spin around cartoon people’s heads after they get punched in the throat.

But everyone was gonna see some tonight.  One way or the other.

Stahhzzz.

First up was Abby in the hot seat.  She wasn’t very dressed up at all, considering.  It was like one of those pant suit things that your relatives who don’t ever wear dresses would wear to your graduation.  The same relatives who don’t wear shorts in the Summer no matter how hot it gets outside and haven’t put on jeans since the ’80s.

Yeah.  I’m talking to you, Aunt Louise.

Abby and Jeff briefly discussed the expansion of the ALDC franchise and then started right in on her fragile relationship with Holly and Nia.

Side note:  Did Jeff really ask Abby what the Los Angeles ALDC was going to be called?

Does he not watch the show?  Because if he doesn’t, he needs to tell me what happened this week on Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. since I’m about two months behind thanks to Dance Moms.

Hint:  ALDCLA.  We heart Jeff.h4

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h1 (1)Out comes Holly, looking just fine in her floor length royal blue number with the open back and sparkly shoes.  Like she was going to announce the nominees for Best Animated Short or something.  We love Holly big time.

Side note:  Clearly, this recap will have nothing to do with what actually happened.  You might want to find another blog with better focus if that’s your thang this week.

For the next hour, Holly basically unleashed every HollyFace we have seen thus far throughout the season.  But with fancier earrings.

Flashback:  Holly standing in front of those empty pet store lockers, screaming at Abby about accountability and respect.  They never really did explain what happened to all the puppies.  I hope they found good homes.

Holly shared some of her favorite Pittsburgh memories and then we took a DanceBreak with the fan favorite ‘Stomp The Yard’ routine.

That’s one of my favorites, too.  Especially the part at the beginning when all the girls shimmy forward and do that side snap thing with their right hands.  I still don’t know what it’s called, but I use it a lot now while I’m waiting for the crosswalk light to change.

After the break, Jeff called out Melissa and my MomCrush Jill.  Mrs. Z was in one of those silver sparkly cocktail dresses that you’d wear to somebody’s holiday house party when you want to make sure you look better than the hostess.

I see what you did there, Melissa.

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Not gonna lie.

I expected Jill to come out in some long ballgown that required half the de-commissioned ALDC Phase 2 dancers as roadies just to make certain the train didn’t get caught in the green room door.  Like the people who hold down Macy’s balloons so they don’t float away in high winds and hit a telephone pole during the parade.

Psych.  She was in a sweet white hot blazer/skinny bottom combo that made her look exceptionally beeyoot but still strong enough to be a woman in a man’s world at her part-time silicon valley CEO job.  Bump-It free, but her hair was on point.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  That was it, I just did it backwards.

Holly, Jill and Melissa went a few more rounds in the Who’s Scared of Abby Battle and it made me sad that they’re not as chummy as they used to be.  But I have the Faith.

And so did this guy in the audience…

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…who was all like WTF at first and then ’bout fell outta his pew when Holly started talking educated woman talk.  He’s my new hero.

Sometimes I really just need this show to be two hours long.

Holly clearly stated that if Abby wouldn’t do right by Nia as her Manager, she’d have to step up and take action as the Momager.  Which made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, because that show had Momagers and they were all insane.

And it was awesome.

Side note:  When Jill (…unintentionally or nah?…) slammed Abby over the music video dramzzz (…“Nia had all these celebrity helpers.  All I had was Abby Lee Miller”...) the whole audience was all Oooooh and Aaaaaaah and OhNoSheDin’t as Abby tried to process what just happened.

I see what you did there, Jill.

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Abby claimed that Holly had changed Nia for her video and through the magic of new hair made her somehow #StarInSomeoneElse’sLife, but I’m pretty sure the 4 bazillion iTunes and youtube hits beg to differ.

Naturally, the whole thing once again shifted to the two dudes in silver speedos that seemed to really get under Abby’s skin.  Jeff asked if there was a double standard when it came to Nia’s backup dancers vs. Shia LaBeouf in his Fruit of the Looms rolling around with Maddie in a birdcage.

You could literally turn off the volume right here and still know what was going on.

Melissa’s nervous eye twitch came back.  Abby referenced Sia and her music videos about a yogabbagabbazillion times.  And we learned that Jeff uses an inhaler when he’s about to pass out.

The only thing we didn’t learn was the answer to the question.  Not awkward at all.

Then all of the sudden they showed a clip of my girl Vivi-Anne spinning in the wrong direction during some duet with Mackenzie.  Honestly, I don’t know if it was a vintage flashback or something they filmed yesterday, because she looks and dances exactly the same every time I see her.

So there’s that to ponder now, too.

After another DanceBreak for ‘Freak Show’ (…nice beard, Kalani…) Jeff brought out Jessalynn and Kira to stir things up a bit.

True Fact:  JoJo‘s Mom was heading to Coachella right after filming wrapped, because she was all flowy and pastel-y (…is that even a real word?…) in some one-sleeved number that you know has a gigantic matching hat somewhere.

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We really like Jessalynn now that she’s the good kind of whacky.

I’m not sure where Kira was going after the show.  But where ever it was, I’m pretty sure who boobs were gonna get there first.  Did you see those things?  No wonder the guy in the green pants couldn’t…

Never mind.  I forgot kids might be online.

Look at that face, tho.  You know he totally got caught staring.

audAnd then it got even more uncomfortable.

For everyone else, I mean.

Abby started listing off a rap sheet of issues and grievances that she had with Jessalynn:

She wasn’t using a speech therapist for her daughter.  She wasn’t getting JoJo her shots (…medical, not liquor, I’m assuming…) and not sending her to school.  Because school is important.  Suddenly, anyway.

Wait.  What?  Wasn’t Abby the one who used to preach Home Schooling?  Or did I miss another episode?  Wasn’t that the rule last season?

Abby even mimicked those hand up/hand down hearing tests you take in elementary school before yelling at Melissa so loudly that MamaZ put her left foot up by mistake.

Kira’s boobs, tho.

DanceBreak:  JoJo’s bloody ‘Prom Queen’ routine.  When a 6th grader covered in pig’s blood is the most normal thing happening on your television screen, it’s a good day.

And then Chaos Cathy returned.  With her megaphone.  Because…of course.

Not gonna lie.  I was a little concerned that Cathy and Melissa were wearing the same metallic eye shadow.  Do you think they’re secretly besties and this is all for show?  They were both in pretty sparkly dresses, too, even though Cathy’s looked a little more like the kind you can throw right in the washing machine if you spill anything on it during your faculty Spring Fling or death defying high wire trapeze act.

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Jeff strapped everyone into their seats and proudly discussed Vivi-Anne’s recent US Citizenship, which received polite applause all around.  Good for her.  And God Bless America.  Home of the Brave and Friendly’s Ice Cream cakes shaped like whales.

DanceBreak:  Maddie in her raggedy ‘All God’s Creatures’ sweater.  Remember when Abby was having her mental breakdown meltdown and bragged about how she was up ALL night making that costume?

Girl, pleez.  I can snag a sweater just getting off the couch.

The final guest of the evening was Jeanette Cota.

From the non-NYC Broadway Dance Academy.

I don’t know where she was going after the show either, but it wasn’t any place where you might have to bend over at the end of the night.  Dang.

Ava‘s Mom was snug as a bug in that black dress.

We like Jeanette.  Especially when her hair is straight.

Honestly, I don’t even know what happened after she showed up because everyone started arguing and yelling at each other and it made me nervous.

Side note:  I know she was trying to be all dramatical and all, but when you end your screaming fit with “I got you a Coney Dawg!” you lose some of your steam.

With mustard, of course.  Thank you for your participation in the conversation, Cathy.

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Jeff called Jeanette a former member of the ALDC, which most of the Moms took issue with since she and Ava were only given a test run before being booted back out the door.

Then there was more arguing and yelling about who was using who (…or is it ‘whom?’…I never know…) in their search for stardom until Jeff finally decided to table the whole thing and sing that song from ‘Frozen’ one mo’ time.

Cracking under pressure is how Jeff and I roll.  DanceBreak, anyone?

And then it was over.

Well, after a few more memories and some last minute smack that Cathy, Abby and Jeanette managed to squeeze in under the wire.

We even got to see the Original Recipe girls in a few brief clips, which was pretty nifty.

Twitter liked that so much it almost broke.  We miss you Brooke and Paige and Chloe!

And then it was really over.

Now that the Moms all unloaded a little bit of their emotional baggage on the couch, it was time to go home and repack it all for Australia.

You heard it, mate.

Dance Moms is going Internationale.

Smells like fun, right?

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Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown Part Two. You Might Wanna Hold On To Your Hats…And iPhones.

Wednesday, May 6th, 2015

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You do really well and Mama will get you a phone just like Jill’s for your birthday. You’ll see.

 

 

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Just so we’re all clear.  Mess with my kid, my hair or my Apple products…I mess YOU up, ‘kay?

 

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Honey, is that your Mama over there talking to a chair? I thought we weren’t gonna do that again.

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#SitInYourOwnChair

 

 

 

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Do I smell cake?

 

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No lie. That one lady snatched that other lady’s iPhone and she went completely P-Town on her a**.

 

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Tell me this chick is not taking a damn selfie in the middle of my big scene? Can we start over?

 

 

 

So long, Pittsburgh.

It was fun while it lasted, but Hollywood is calling.

After months and months…and months…of threats and promises, Abby Lee Miller and her Dance Moms are finally ready to unleash the ALDC LA on an unsuspecting West Coast.  It’s been a long time coming and now it was finally about to happen.

But not until they get one last Pittsburgh competition under their belt.

Needless to say, Ms. Miller wanted to leave Pittsburgh a winner, which meant that at this week’s Starbound National Talent Competition the dancing needed to be turnt up, the bad attitudes turned around and (…spoiler alert…) the Find My Phone apps turned on.

Trust me on that last one.  Just turn ’em on now.

Right out of the gate, it was already Showtime!

But as the team entered the venue this week, it was a little anti-climactic.h

True, the usual mob of screeching tweeny boppers posting to Instagram in real-time were all there, screaming and uploading smiley face emojis like it was their day job, but with only two ALDC dancers making up the entire entourage it felt a little more like a bunch of Moms dropping their kids off at the Mall for a few hours.

Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.  Two ALDC dancers.

Nia and JoJo were the only girls to arrive with the Moms.  All the other ALDC team members were still MIA at the JUMP Dance Convention across town, doing whatever it was they were signed up to do at the event.  It wasn’t very clear if they were taking classes, teaching classes, competing or just there for free loot at the trade show.  But regardless, whatever it was they were doing was making them late, because they should have been at Starbound by now and that didn’t happen.

Side note:  Depending on which search engine you use, if you type in “JUMP” without the “Dance Convention” part you can end up with directions to one of those places that rent inflatable bouncy castles for birthday parties, buy the Pointer Sisters Greatest Hits album on eBay or sign yourself up for parachute lessons.  Which in itself is hilarious if you start imagining the Moms shoving each other out of moving airplanes, because I really thought it might come down to that this week.

Jump For My Love.  Google it, kids.  It’s a classic.

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All the other Moms were in the Starbound hizzle, but none of their daughters.  Just Sasha Nia, who was still wearing her new Hashtag: StarInYourOwnLife hair and JoJo, who was continuing her gradual transition from Honey Bow Bow Child to just plain JoJo.

Question:  Is JoJo’s head getting bigger or are her hair accessories getting smaller?  I swear, sometimes she even throws caution to the wind and goes without anything attached to her head at all.  And honestly, I’m not sure I even want to live in a world without a Bow Bow JoJo.  What if those big things are the source of all her nonsensical wackiness and she starts being just a normal kid now?  Bor.  Ing.

Along with the screaming masses, the Candy Apples brigade was also on hand to welcome the ALDC to the glass ceiling-ed, generically titled Cultural Center.  Let’s just say that natural sunlight is not always a friend to overly processed hair and keep the story moving right along.

Somehow, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her MomSquad managed to immediately get into the middle of the ALDC in-fighting as Holly and Jessalynn tried to figure out why so many of their own ALDC kids were missing.  Everyone was talking over everybody else and pointing and accusing each other of keeping secrets and not sharing texts and blah to the blah about why Abby double booked everyone at two different events and why Cathy carries that damn megaphone with her everywhere she goes.

No lie.  She had that bullhorn again.  Attention, shoppers.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Biker Bar black leather jacket with Joan Collins meets Joan Crawford meets Tom Brady Superbowl shoulder pads.  And it was fringed.  The long kind of fringe that made the 1960s so groovy and got everyone arrested at Woodstock.

 And her Bump-It was bumped up to the Gawdz, hunty.  It was a Defining Moment.

Cathy finally took off up this ridiculously long staircase to who knows where.  Then Holly followed, calling Jill something bad on her way up to the penthouse.  And then Jessalynn, who had remarkably sparkly shoes for an early daytime event, called Jill a Bitch before she ran out of breath half way up the stairs.

Srsly.  Does this show ever film at a location with elevators?

Backstage in the makeup room, Holly and Jill continued their heated exchange.  Fringe and mouths were flapping everywhere but nobody was really getting anywhere.  No one could explain how the rest of the girls ended up at JUMP (…which was already 2.75 hours behind schedule…) while JoJo and Nia were sitting all alone in their track suits waiting for whoknowswhat to happen.  Nia’s hair looked fierce, tho.

Speaking of.  Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  She tried out another bouncy beachy wavy thing that I liked better than last week’s Priscilla Presley helmet, but it didn’t really even matter because we found out that she left her kids a note by their dance bags.  mel

And a banana.

And then took off before they even woke up.

Wait.  What?

One.  What does that even mean?  And how early do you have to get up in the morning that you can leave your kids two bananas and be out the door before they even wake up?

Two.  Is that their entire breakfast?  One banana each?  Really?  The most important meal of the day?  No wonder Mackenzie falls down so much.  You call it gymnastic acro.  I call it light headedness and low blood sugar.  At least we know they’re getting enough potassium to prevent charlie horses in the middle of the night.

Three.  What did the note say?  If that’s all they’re eating for the day, I don’t think anyone needs to remind them to shovel it down.  Inquiring minds just need to know, that’s all.

Four.  If any of you need to leave now, this Candy Apple Mom’s face pretty much summed up the rest of the episode.  I don’t know who she is, but I love her because she thinks white people are crazy.

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Five.  That was a joke.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  I love her almost as much as she (…used to…) love me.  And I think white people are crazy, too.  Because I’m one of them.

So relax.

But the show must go on, right?  With only minutes to go, Abby tossed Nia and JoJo a bone and gave them Kalani and Kendall’s solo spots on the schedule.  Nia was going to recycle a routine that she already knew, while JoJo was gonna wing it with an improv.

No pressure there.  But that’s how it might go down in the Real World.  Or so Abby said.

And then Jill and Holly went another round or ten.

Jill didn’t understand why Holly couldn’t just be happy that Nia got a solo.  Holly was happy that Nia got a solo, but also quickly figured out that the only other available soloist in the room was a piece of furniture and somehow Hashtag: EmptyChair started trending across America.  Sometime the internet scares me.

Holly did this a lot…

h1 (1)And quite a bit of this, which I found enjoyable…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…which, going forward, is exactly how I plan to respond to all negative website feedback, so you can probably save yourself some aggravation and don’t even bother.  Mmmkay?

For the last time.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  Gah.

Side note:  “NOTICE: This room is being monitored for your safety.”  Did you see that posted sign on the wall?  The one at the very top of this recap?  They showed it a lot, but it was clearly just for the Legal Department because Cathy & Crew kept running in and out of the ALDC makeup room like they owned the place.  And that is clearly a bigger safety issue than any broken ladder or running with scissors.  It was a mess.

I also can’t believe they still make that kind of pencil sharpener.  The one that was screwed into the wall.  Who even uses pencils anymore?  Don’t kids just use the stylus that comes with their iPads?  And when did I get so old?

I mean, like…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500(Clearly, this HollyGif is going to come in handy for almost unlimited scenarios.)

Just think.  Pretty soon, if I keep using it over and over and over you’ll all be like…

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Ok.  I’m done now.

Finally, it was the showtime part of Showtime!

Nia nailed her solo.  Girrrrl, pleez.  That new music video experience gave her so much more hair and confidence that I wish I hadn’t already used my HollyGif three times.

Because, you know.  Nia.

Props to my MomCrush who came through and admitted that no matter what differences she and Holly and the other Moms may have, they will always support Nia and the girls.  And that made me smile, because kids always come first.  Remember that.

Ava was up next with her ‘Hurtful Words’ solo.  Mom Jeanette had gotten her own hair under control just in time for the show (…is it curly and she straightens it or is it straight and she frizzes it?…) and proudly watched her daughter’s legs grow even longer as the routine progressed.  I don’t know what you call that push-up thing she did with one leg on the ground and other leg up on her shoulder, but it was redoink.  Ava can dance.

Period.  End of story.

JoJo finished up the solo portion of the program by just running around the stage and randomly doing stuff.  Improv is her thang and she got it done.

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She even did this almost to the ground split whatchamacallit, hanging out two inches from the floor for at least ten minutes before finally dropping it like it’s hot.  Let’s just say I can’t even walk this morning and I only watched it on TV.

Ouch.

Backstage, Cathy & Crew disregarded the OSHA signage again and stampeded the ALDC makeup room to toss iParty stars into the air in celebration of Nia’s solo and music video.  I felt bad for JoJo, who just kinda stood there.  She is a star, too.  And I’m sure (…spoiler alert…) she’ll have a song or something before you know it.

I Can Make You Dance.  Just saying.

And how about when Cathy dissed MackZ’s Girl Party video?  That woke up Mama Bear.

Luckily, the group routines kicked in before Melissa and Cathy started rolling around on a floor covered in glitter stars.  Which would probably bring in a substantial amount of additional revenue if Lifetime ever wanted to get a slice of the the Pay-Per-View pie.

Think about it, guys.  You can even steal my idea as long as I get ringside seats.

Candy Apples was up first with their salute to Vivi-Anne‘s new status as an American Citizen.  You go, girl.

You go and get some ice cream when this is over, because you did awesome.

vivNow you know I love me some droopy loopy little Vivi-Anne, but I swore if she just ran across that stage waving a flag and then exited Stage Right, I was never going to watch this show again.  You have no idea.

Thankfully, she actually danced a little once she climbed up to the top of that homemade 2×4 (…you couldn’t have painted it?…) Olympic Medal Stand and kind of looked like the Mini-Me version of some international singer whose name escapes me right now.

Not JLo.  But somebody else.

I heart Vivi-Anne. I bet her citizenship papers even say ‘WTF’ somewhere on them.

Jeanette’s Fenton, MI-based Broadway Dance Academy (…I still don’t know why that cracks me up…) was next with their hip hop D-Town’ jam.

Something about little girls doing hip hop always reminds me of the good ol’ Toddlers & Tiaras days, not that that’s a bad thing.  And it’s nice to know that not every hip hop girl has to suds up the hood of a Mustang in booty shorts while she’s getting spanked.

But it still felt a little like American Girl Dolls Gone Wild, which sounds way creepier when I say it out loud.  They wrecked it, tho.  And it wasn’t lyrical.  So there’s that, too.

Bonus Points for the girl who was all like “YeahICanSeeYouAin’tReadyYet.”

Side note:  We did get to see the top of Rachelle Rak‘s head, tho.  And her nose.  She was a judge, so it was a good day in the D-Town ‘hood, yo.hj

Sas.

Freakin’ finally, the rest of the ALDC girls showed up.

And then it went from panic to PANIC.

Nobody was in makeup.  Nobody was in costume.  Some of them showed up with blue lipstick on.  Some didn’t.  Some still had Burger King on their face.  It was MamaMadness as everyone ran in circles looking for bronzer and face goop and anything with glitter on it so the girls didn’t get pushed out on stage wearing logo sweatpants.

Side note:  How about when Melissa screamed “Mackenzie needs ABS?!!!!”

Don’t we all, honey.  It’s been a looong winter.

Side note Numero Dos:  If all she ate today was a banana, I’m thinking her abs are already showing up just fine.  Probably her ribs, too.  So stop you’re worrying and put some clothes on your kids before they announce Final Call.

Which they did.

Right under the wire, the ALDC made it onto stage.

And killed their No Sign Of Life dance.  Killed it dead.  And won First Place.

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For the rest of the scores, you’re going to have to hit up a chat room or something, because our focus right now needs to be in the hallway backstage.

Where.  It.  All.  Went.  D-Town.

Side note:  You know when the entire camera crew (…except for that one guy who was too scared to come out and kept peeping through the crack of the back door…) is in the hallway, it’s gonna be a good one.

Add in cream cheese frosting and a long day….?  You just wait.

After getting hopped up on celebratory Hollywood Here We Come Cake, Abby and the Moms all ran smack into Cathy & Crew in the hallway.  Jeanette asked Abby what she thought of Ava’s performance and it all went downhill from there.

Somehow the discussion turned into some Vivi-Anne bashing, which got Cathy right up in Abby’s face, snapping her Joan Rivers Readers dangerously close to the same nose that Kelly Hyland touched right before she ended up on TMZ.

Jill thought it was hilarious and might possibly be something that should be recorded on her cellphone for posting at a later date of her choosing.

Until Cathy snatched her phone out of her hands, that is.

I mean…SNATCHED.  Like…snatched.

Say it with me:  Jill lost her nutty.  Lost.  It.

GIVE

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ME

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MY PHONE!

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Lawd have mercy.

The Mom who has the daughter with ears almost as big as mine had to jump right in between the two of them before they made contact.  And then Holly came up as a second line of defense, shouting “NO NO NO”  with her Louis bag in the crook of her arm like she was criticizing Cathy for carrying the wrong bag with the wrong outfit or something.

Something about the way she said it sounded so Fashion Police.

We love Holly.

I never seen so many camera people and and production people and innocent bystanders trying to purchase Starbound merchandise going totally spaz in one place before.  The guy who used to star in The Commish and The Shield even came out of nowhere to try and pull them apart.  He has a goatee now, BTW.

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It was CrazyPants.  Dot com.

One of the Candy Apple Moms was so busy youtubing the whole circus that she almost got konked by one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick that always fall into the shot during a rumble.  Pay attention, lady.

Finally, somebody threw raw meat in two different directions and the ladies separated long enough for The Commish to rip a few fringes off Jill’s jacket.  Even the guy who was too scared to come out had to come out it was such a scene.

And then it was over.

The whole season, actually.  Or at least the first half.  You know how Lifetime do.

So catch your breath.  For a few days, anyway.

Next week it’s The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Reunion.

The Dress Up Episode.

Holly…should I wear my fancy stuff?

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