Posts Tagged ‘JoJo Siwa’

Dance Moms: Attention, Please. We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Dance Show For A Big Announcement.

Wednesday, April 13th, 2016

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Honestly, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. I was just gonna stop showing up after Regionals.

 

 

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No clue what’s happening right now, but somebody better get me chips before I lose it.

 

 

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Think these new graphics could be any bigger? If they cover up my hair, I swear to God…

 

 

raw

 

 

 

 

 

Same.

 

 

jv

 

 

 

 

Srsly. What is this…CNN? Get this damn thing off me. Do they even know how much this top cost?

 

mkoh

 

 

 

Oooooooh, gurrrl! You can keep all your Hello Kitty toys. That boy Chris Hemsworth is FINE.

 

 

hunt

 

 

 

I know I didn’t fly Coach half way across the country just to be in one episode. Really?

 

 

 

Brace yourself, folks.

And maybe grab some Kleenex and your microwave movie popcorn.

Because Dance Moms ’bout to tug on your heart strings and pimp out Charliz Theron‘s new movie like nobody’s business.

And they’re gonna do it all at the same time.

So, yeah.  Brace yourself.

The Short Version:  After months of tabloid speculation, Melissa finally came clean about La Familia Ziegler’s future with the ALDC and she pretty much broke the internet.

Like this.

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Which, purely by coincidence, happens to be a clip from the aforementioned new movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which opens in theaters around the country on Aprill 22.

Side note:  Feel free to Fandango the (bleep) outta that thing after you finish reading this hilarious recap, because there has to be at least one scene from the movie that wasn’t already slipped into this week’s episode, right?

Not this one, necessarily.
anigif_original-11552-1447880040-4That’s actually me on one of my Sunday Spa Nights after luxuriating with one of those anti-eye puffery things that you keep in the freezer overnight.

#BagsBeGone.

And not this one.

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That’s when Christi and Kelly had that fight and dropped F-bombs all over the place.

But you get the idea.  Go see the movie.

Anyway.  Back to Dance Moms.

We started out in the ALDC LA parking lot this week where all the Moms and kids were gathering for the day’s festivities.  Kira was back again (…she’s on the Every Other Program…) which meant that Kalani was back.  Which meant that all the girls were excited to be together again.  Hugs everywhere.

And gossip, of course.  Always gossip.  Because Kira needed to be brought up to speed on all of Melissa’s vaguery (…is that even a word?..) regarding whether she and her girls would be returning to the Team next season.

Side note:  Nobody seemed to be overly concerned about the guy who ran past my MomCrush Jill and then disappeared down that back alley, so I didn’t panic.

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Remember WinterCoat Guy who was so overdressed in the studio a few weeks ago?  I’m gonna assume Sweatshirt Guy was the same dude from last time in the Old Navy puffer and scarf even though it’s a consistently humid 85 degrees in LA this time of year.  He’s probably just one of those people who’s always cold.  My great-aunt was the same way no matter how high she cranked the heat in her house.  It was like a sweat shop up in there.

After all these weeks of USWeekly leaks and chatroom mockery, Melissa finally came clean and told the Moms that…yes…it was true.

Wait for it.

She and Maddie and Mackenzie would no longer be part of the Elite Team in 4 weeks.

Dat’s rite.  One month.  And then they’re moving on.

Wait.  What?

Everyone got emotional.  Melissa got emotional…

m…before accidentally letting a little ‘See You Later, Suckahs’ slip out.

m1But then she regained her composure and headed inside to tell Abby the news.

And maybe even Mackenzie, too.  Because that would be nice if her kid knew what was about to go down.  Because MackZ had no idea.

Did I forget to mention that part?  Because Melissa sure did.

Turns out that MackenzieBoo had no clue her days with the ALDC were numbered.

Duh.  Maddie knew, obvi.  But not MackaDoodle.

Don’t even start.  I’m not one to tell any of these Moms how to do their jobs.

Granted, I have no problem telling them what to wear or when their hair is a hot mess, but I always pass on anything that falls under the ‘Don’t Tell Me How To Raise My Kids’ umbrella.  They know best.  Not me.  And not you.

Luckily, Dr. Holly came through as the Voice of Reason (…again!…) and convinced Melissa that EVERYone needed to know what was happening.  Which in itself was a good thing, because it meant that maybe Holly and Sasha Nia would actually get to participate in this week’s episode.

What was THAT all about last week?  Hardly any FrazierFace Time?

#NotLikingIt.

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Yeah.  What she said.

Needless to say, the conversation between Melissa and Abby was pretty emotional.  Their blood pressure numbers were probably almost as high as the inventory count on all those clear Tupperware bins piled up to the ceiling in that crazy back room.  You see that?

I swear there are more of them every week.

It looked like Target on the Day After Xmas when they line every aisle with those things and then never have enough carts to actually transport them to the register.  I’m not carrying 5 of giant storage containers all the way through the lingerie department just to find out that the self-checkouts are off-line, thank you.

Melissa walked in and did this for some reason.

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Here she is on a different day, in a Sears store, doing the same thing again.  yobtwball

And then she Ugly Cried.

mcAnd then Abby took it to a whole other level and did whatever this was for a few minutes.

acYou know you’re upset when you cry so hard the curl comes out of your hair.

Bonus Points:  To Melissa for promising Abby that Maddie would NOT be dancing on that new So You Think You Can Dance Kids show.  Because she won’t be.  Because she’s going to be a judge instead.  So it’s not like she was lying or anything.

I see what you did there, Mrs. Z.

Smooth.

tumblr_ny6aw1Z4Cj1stq3wlo1_500-1And then they did the Pyramid of Shame, which was pretty irrelevant given the drama of the day.  Google it if you can’t sleep tonight without knowing the results.

Q.  Where’d this lady go?

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This week, the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition in Agoura Hills.  Everyone seemed pretty excited even though I had to Apple Map it.

The group routine, in case you haven’t read anything up to this point, was going to be based on The Huntsman: Winter’s War movie.  Pay attention, please.

You know how I get when it comes to skimmers and haters.

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Maddie and Mackenzie would be portraying the dueling Queen sisters, with the rest of the pack divided up between #TeamFire and #TeamIce.

There were also going to be THREE duets entered into the competition.

Count ’em:  Nia and Mackenzie.  Maddie and Kalani.  And Maddie and Kendall.

Yup.  TWO Maddie duets.

Abby was definitely gonna milk that Ziegler Cow for all she could this month.

md2But that’s ok, because Maddie wanted to spend as much time with her BFFs as possible before she headed off into the Sia Sunset to pick up her SAG card.

Newsflash:  She’s still just a kid.

Right about here was when Ashlee blurted out sumthin sumthin about the Zieglers leaving the ALDC before Melissa even had time to tell Mackenzie to start packing up her dance bag.  OhNoSheDin’t.  OhYesSheDid.

Drama.

Pause Your DVR:  Can we just take a moment to appreciate not only Holly’s on-point hair styling (…cuz you know dat’s rite…)

h2…but also the way she always scoots those kids out of the hizzle every time some shizz is about to go down in front of them?  I mean, c’mon.

Remember when she got everyone out of that makeup room in under 4 seconds when Abby and Kelly started rolling around on the floor?  To this day I still swear she used airplane inflatables and just shoved those kids out the second floor window.

BY06jWmOr maybe she just keeps hard candy in her Louis bag and throws it out the back door like kibbles and watches them all run outside.

I dunno.  But whatever it is…it’s an #ArtForm.

Which is why I love Holly so much.

Side note:  What the What?  Check out Jill.  #BigHairDon’tCare.

bhAfter about 20 minutes of Dance Moms Bumper Cars where everyone was running in circles and knocking each other down, they all ended up in that back room with all the empty wall hooks and finally told everybody everything.

Game Over for the Zieglers.

86402485dbfifEverybody cried.  Everybody hugged.

Well, almost everybody.

You notice that?  That was odd.

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Side note:  Holly has an Apple Watch.  Because of course she does.

She’s always trying to one-up me, I swear.

And then Abby locked herself in the bathroom, because why not.  And she wouldn’t come out, no matter what the other Moms did.

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The next day, Melissa took Holly and Jill to lunch to serve up some salads and flashbacks.

I don’t know how the food was, but the flashbacks were awesome.

We got to see some of my favorite oldies but goodies, like when Melissa lost her marbles in Season 1 and snatched up every trophy on the table and then dragged her Samsonite roller down the hall on 3 wheels swearing and cussing like I don’t know what.

trActually I do know like what.

Like when Beanie Babies were popular and a new batch would come out unannounced in the middle of the week and you’d leave your kid waiting on the sidewalk at school just so you could scoop every new bear off the shelf and hopefully score yourself the elusive unicorn with the brown horn.

This one.  But with the brown horn.

mystic_unicorn_coarse_yarn_mane_side_uWhich is worth up to $3,000 now.  I just can’t.

And then we saw one of Jill’s most iconic moments.  Cover your ears, kids.tumblr_lzh0liUkxc1r43mqxo1_250True Fact:  That’s also what happened the first time she read this blog.  Pinky swear.

And, of course, we got to see the first time that Holly really lost her nutty on Abby while Kira photobombed the scene dressed like she was going to the Oscars for some reason.

hkI love this show.  Sue me.

Side note:  There was clearly one empty seat available next to Jill that went unused, BTW.

Thanks for not inviting me, Melissa.  Even though I was the only one who stood up for you back when you couldn’t figure out how to download songs off Napster and kept hanging up on anyone who tried calling the Pittsburgh front desk.

But that’s ok.  Really.

Decision 2016:  As long as we’re voting, I vote for my MomCrush to keep her LunchHair.

jv1

Back at the studio (…the LA one now…) Abby showed the girls the movie trailer.

Even this part.

tumblr-nxzhgaVo0R1qjqcybo1-500I know, right?  With kids in the car.

Maddie swallowed her gum and was all like…mbAbby was all like…amAt some point, Abby even noted that the stars of the movie were going to see this group routine.  Which was amazing, because who knew that macho Chris Hemsworth even watched Dance Moms?  But I guess he does.

And now that’s like TWO things he and I have in common.

We both work out and we both watch Dance Moms!

This is me rinsing out my Under Armour after getting my swole on at the gym.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-12438-1426118025-7afOh, yeah.  Mama likes.

You know she’s got that one for a screen saver.  Look at her.

As the competition grew closer, Abby was having a hard time processing any of the Ziegler NewZ.  Which basically meant that she cried a lot as and relived much of the loss that she had suffered throughout her own life.

Abby misses her Mom and Dad.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

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Look at little Brynn contouring like a Boss.  I almost forgot about her this week.

bShe’s so cute.

Nia and Mackenzie’s duet was a sad dance about a young girl saying goodbye to her Mom who was dying from cancer.  Holly got all choked up.  But they won First Place!!

nmkMaddie and Kendall’s Insane Asylum duet made Jill cry in her interview confessional and got Twitter a little #Twisted.  There were certainly a lot of tears this week.  But smiles all around when they took Second Place in their age category.

kkAnd then Maddie did a quick change…

tumblr_msehmz73mE1qcpkfeo4_250…and ran right back out on stage with Kalani, where they did this no hands forward flip over whatchamacallit that was A.  Maz.  Ing.tumblr_o5iyp5Tyak1tb8iyko1_500After the duets were over (…and in case you STILL weren’t clear on the theme for this week…) we got treated to a quick Girl Talk promo-looking thing where Charlize Theron was all like “Gurrrl, whatchoo mean you don’t watch Dance Moms like me and Chris?…”

ctAnd Emily Blunt was all like “I don’t have to, Beeotch, because I read DanThat’sCool.”  

dmOr at least I think that’s how it went.

If we’re being totally honest, I had to mute the TV to answer my cell in case it was Melissa apologizing for that whole lunch date fiasco, but it looked like that’s what the two ladies were discussing.

Bonus:  We also got treated to not one…but TWO…of those chit chatty Dance Moms Guide To Blah Blah Blah where the girls all sit around and tell you not to wear too much foundation on the playground.

Not gonna lie.  Sometimes this show is so random that it makes my left eye involuntarily close like I’m having a stroke.  But it’s not a stroke.  And I love this show.

So much that I just said it for a second time.

So, again…sue me.

The ALDC finished off the event with their group routine, which coincidentally enough, ended up being based on the movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War.

What are the chances?

The choreography was great, but the second the dance started, Mackenzie’s costume exploded and there were scraps of Emily Blunt all over the stage.

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Nobody was very happy about that mess up.  It was #HeadBandGate all over again.

But they made it through and headed to the awards where—

Wait.  What?  Nia Sioux…she…it was…she had…

bangs

Outta nowhere, she showed up with…

0a92b1ba54f6ae6d8c9a3b88ccefe9a046dcc0455a40b50958edffa182a4967fMy girl put on her bangs!  We love Nia.

And we love how Twitter reacts to stuff like that.

True Fact:  Someone even sent me a DM tweet in the middle of the freakin’ night and told me to make sure I put a picture of Nia’s bangs on my site.

Do it.  Didn’t ask me to.  Just told me to do it.

So there you go, people.  Bangs.  Take that, Kendall Jenner.

Side note:  Feel free to use this kid on your next #MotivationalMonday post.

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Always do your best.  Because your best is always good enough.  #NoRegrets.

Did I forget to mention that the group dance came in Second Place?  I probably did.

So that made for two Number Two’s in two weeks.  Do the math.

Abby wasn’t happy.  But she had clearly already checked out for the week.  Possibly even for the remainder of the season.  Who knows.

Melissa had really messed with her head.

oh

Abby has a court date coming up soon for all that scandalous TMZ goodness and now she’s losing the Top Three go-tos in her support system.

This isn’t gonna end well.

But it’s over for this week at least.

No more crying.

Well, after one more group hug, I mean.

hug1Now I need to go unwind.  This was a very stressful episode.

Imma need to be alone for a few.

So, please…

the-huntsman

Dance Moms: When It’s Bottom Of The Ninth And You Need A Thriller, It’s Time For JoJo To Steal The Show Show.

Wednesday, April 6th, 2016

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Raise your hand if you got something way better than a postcard in Vegas. Dolla Dolla Bill, yo!

 

 

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I’m not telling you where I hid all the other Christies until you give me that damn track jacket. I’m not playing.

 

 

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I’m totally serious. If they’re just gonna flip out and leave again, I’m calling their parking spot.

 

 

 

 

Imma need you ladies to wrap up all this crazy asap. I’m pitching a double header tonight.

 

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Ummm…Hello? I dance. I like sparkly things. And nobody understands me. I’m freaking Hee Hee Shamone MJ.

 

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So my voice finally changed. And yet I still have no words for what I’m walking into right now…

 

 

hh

 

 

Me and my kid even in this episode? Cuz if that’s how we’re playing it this week, I’m just gonna make a hair appointment.

 

 

 

Cue the music.

Living on the Dance Floor.

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Blood on the Dance Floor.

botdfwow

Yup.

Dancing and Bloodshed.  Thats what I’m talking about.

And there was a lot of both this week, literally and almost physically a few times, as old and new faces collided (…insert unintentional, yet inappropriately hilarious and smoothly transitional Michael Jackson Plastic Surgery Joke right here: _______ ) during the latest episode of Dance Moms.

Starting with The Return Of Christy Hunt.

Dat’s rite.

Look who was sitting on the MomBleachers as soon as the credits finished rolling.

Sarah Hunt‘s loud and proud Mama.

Christy was back.

No.

Not this Christi.  You wish.
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Or this Kristie.  Look at those crazy mime in a box arms flailing around.

tumblr_n65tiy1EQ21tcwnk1o1_500But the third one that everyone used to call CHRIST-y from back in the Pittsburgh days when it was the Attack Of The Christies every week.

The one who looks like John Candy in a Celine Dion wig.

jc1 celine-dion

That one right there.  jc

She didn’t used to look like that, but somehow on the flight from PA to LA she got herself natural highlights and a tube of lipstick and now she looks like that.

Side note:  I think she’s a riot.  And you know I love every Mom on this show, so no hate tweets.  Especially from John Candy fans, please.  Because that was a joke.

And I nailed it.  And you know that’s right.

Christy #3 was sitting on the MomBleachers all by herself when Ashlee rolled into the studio, so they had no choice but to awkwardly introduce themselves to each other and immediately pit their two kids against one another in a battle for that elusive ALDC jacket.

Side note again:  I love how everyone in Pittsburgh can just pick up everything they own in a rolling duffel bag and move to Los Angeles on a whim.  Don’t any of these people have pets  Whose feeding them?  I mean, how much dry cat food can you really leave in a bowl if you’re planning on sticking it out through the end of the 2016 dance season?

New Drinking Game Alert:  Ashlee’s hair.  It’s different in every shot.

Check it out next time.  She’s clearly one of those nervous hair finger runner-through-ers, because every time the camera cuts back to her she has a different part going on up there.  Nothing drastic, but sometimes it’s over there, or over there, or there’s a messy thing happening on top a little bit.

Relax, honey.  You got the gig.

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Next in the door was Melissa, who was all of the sudden Christy’s new BFF and gave her hugs and kisses like she just got out of prison and thanked her for all the millions of text messages from Pittsburgh while she was locked away.

Hold up.  Didn’t Melissa try to push Christy down a flight of stairs the last time they were together?  Or am I making that up?

Turns out that Christy had changed her…ways…and now Melissa loved her.

In capital letters:  LOVED her now.

This is Christy’s old hair.

cAnd these are her old ways.

tumblr_n9l3iuNDaL1ql5yr7o1_500Not gonna lie.  Kinda miss both.

And why was Holly dressed like 1960s Cher that day?  Not that I’m complaining.

article-2621958-1DA0A8D800000578-14_634x791After everyone else stumbled in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was explained that Kira and Kalani were not in LA this week due to a family funeral.  Condolences and a hug.

And then one more hug for that cute baby.

Bottom of the Pyramid was all about Kalani, Mackenzie‘s bad feet and JoJo, followed by Kendall, Maddie and Nia on the mezzanine level.

Which left little Brynn on top, with the highest score at last week’s competition and a track jacket that she could finally have embroidered with her own name.  You go, girl.  Muah.

brThis week the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Long Beach.

And Abby got some last week.

Because that’s how smoothly that transition went.

I was like…

dance-moms-now-you-see-hernow-you-dont-the-mi-L-s_7waWAnd Abby was like…yobtwballAnd then my MomCrush Jill explained that Abby had hooked up with some Mystery Man she nicknamed Magic Mike and now the Apocalypse is upon us for real.

Bonus:  Actual unedited, never before seen footage from Abby’s Vegas trip:

tumblr_m68cggbemZ1r3ifxzo1_500Isn’t that the Candy Apples lady in the red?

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Think about that for a minute.

Cauepb8UYAAiu5XWhen she wan’t making it rain up in there, Abby somehow managed to find time to take in the Michael Jackson ONE Cirque du Soleil show and was now determined to create some MJ-inspired dances for this week’s competition.

Like the group routine.  Which had a baseball theme.  Because MJ loved baseball.

Excuse me?

Holly looked that way…

h

And then that way…
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And then that way and was all like Wait.  What?h2Everyone was Googling it, but nobody could find any Wikipedia references to how MJ’s signature sequined glove was actually a catcher’s mitt or any MLB regulations on backing up into home plate with a Moon Walk vs. sliding in face first.

I did find this dude from the Lehigh Valley IronPigs wearing a Thriller uniform for some reason.  His pants are tight, but his glove is so not sparkly.

19-lehigh-valley-ironpigs-michael-jackson-tribute-jerseys-crazy-minor-league-jerseys And I found a baseball with Michael Jackson’s face on it that only costs $19.99.

Michael-Jackson-BaseballBut mostly I just found pictures of Michael and the baby from Escape From The Planet Of The Apes looking all matchy matchy.

92110,xcitefun-michael-jackson-bubble-the-chimpAnd this, of course.

GTY_trump_jackson_1990_jef_160219_12x5_1600America.

Brynn and Sarah scored a duet, as well as Maddie and Kendall.  Except that Maddie was going to be MIA for the next 24 hours due to some Disney shindig that required her presence and now Kendall was already stressing out about it.

kkShe and Maddie are BFFs and with all the TMZ/US Weekly rumors over at CVS about the Zieglers evacuating the dance floor after this season, it made sense that KK wanted to get as much MaddieTime in as possible.

Bonus:  Here’s a shot of Ashlee and Christy when they were on The Price Is Right bidding on that Final Showcase at the end of the show.  Am I right?

pirAfter the girls rehearsed the group routine for a few, Melissa and Maddie had some time on the DL back in what I assume was the ALDC LA store or something.

stWith all the crap piled up in the storeroom next to Abby’s twin bed, I can’t believe there’s only one tank top and a pair of booty shorts hanging on that whole rack.  When I worked at the GAP I would have fired someone for that kind of merchandising.

That scene was basically foreshadowing things to come.  Stay tuned.

The next day, after Kendall got done taking all her selfies in the back parking lot (…you see that?…) everyone went inside so they could all get under Melissa’s skin over the TMZ/Us Weekly/CVS thing again.

Melissa has been making this face a lot lately.

mz

When she’s not booty popping, I mean.

bcbb

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Imagine driving by that window with all them ladies talking dirty.

dirtyOooh, Magic Mike.  You nasty.

Side note:  Where did all those people come from all of the sudden?  Look at ’em all.

The place has been empty for 2 seasons and all of the sudden it looks the Today Show window.  And what’s even happening right now with that one Mom right there trying to get her 15 minutes in front of the camera?

alm

I know those are probably sunglasses on her head, but if you squint she kinda looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman, right?

And there she is again.

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Maybe she should be less worried about texting her girlfriends that she’s on the television and more worried about her kid hanging off that jungle gym back there.

That kid.  Right there.

Get down from there right now.  Go in that Homework Room.  I’m not tell you again.kids

Look at Abby having one of those mini strokes.

Side note Two:  I’m gonna assume we missed out on some Nia solo or something that never aired, because otherwise I have no explanation as to why Sasha was wearing fancy BigGirl heels and talking to herself and spinning a mirror around and around in the corner while Brynn and Sarah rehearsed.

mirrorPlease let it be a solo.  Because otherwise that’s something that a crazy person does alone at home on a Friday night with lipstick smeared all over their face.

You said you’d text me back.  I know you have your phone on.

Side note Three:  That was pretty much the extent of Holly and Nia’s participation this week.  And I am not happy at all.

Granted, Holly had a few more Pearls of Wisdom that she unleashed during the episode, which is a given.  But there were not nearly enough #HollyFaces or Moments of Clarity and/or Slaying to fill the hour and thats an issue that needs to be addressed asap by the producers.

#YAAAAAAS.

niaProgramming note:  For this evening’s rehearsal performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by JoJo Siwa.  And that’s pretty when it all started to go downhill.

JoJo and KK weren’t syncing up right.  Kendall wanted Maddie, even though she loves her some JoJo.  And she didnt’ want to do it as a solo.

So naturally, everyone started yelling and KK started crying and ran out of the studio and then back into the studio and snipped at Abby a little and then got dragged back out again by Jill who wasn’t going to let her do this in front of Abby or the cameras or me, because she knows it gives me anxiety.

kk3

But you know how Reality Television goes.  They could have left out the part where Kendall got hit in the back of the head with a shovel by Wile E. Coyote and that’s why she was crying.  You just never know.

But regardless, everyone was running in circles like they do on Scooby Doo when they run in and out of all those different doors all at once.  It was crazy pants.

Scooby-Doo-Doors-scooby-doo-32575918-940-707

I love KK.

Yeah, I know.  She’s a crier.  But even Holly noted that…umm, duh…they’re children.  And this is an extremely stressful time for the children thanks to TMZ/US Weekly…etc.

So cut her some slack, yo.  Or take it to a chat room.

Contractually Obligated “I’m Done!” Scene:  Jill and Kendall ended up leaving.

hooks

Q.  Why is all that stuff always laying all over the floor and the benches when they have like a million empty hooks on the wall?  Seriously.

The next day, Kendall was back, but her duet with Maddie had somehow turned into a solo for JoJo.  And you know how well that was going over with everyone.  Especially Christy who kept needling Jessalynn about throwing friends under the bus just to get your kid ahead.

Check out everything that’s going on with Christy right there.

c3When you got Dance Moms at 2 but you’re chaperoning Prom at 7.

What the–?  This show, I swear.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And…is that…?

fangirlingAAAAUUGGGHHH!  OhMyGawd!!!!!

Nobody told me Rachelle Rak was judging this thing!

I almost spit out the apple I was biting.  The ‘Sas’ was back!  We love Rachelle!

You remember her from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and all the other stuff I keep reminding you about every time she shows up.

She’s my Broadway Girlfriend.  She just doesn’t know it.  Clearly.

Otherwise I’d have some box seat tickets in my hand right now.

Here she is getting ready for the competition.  I think they filmed it on Casual Friday at Toys ‘r Us.  Got enough Fisher Price on the floor there?

Rachelle_Rak_as_Wonder_Woman_-_2015-06-21And here she is on her way to the competition.

giphy-1I don’t know who Steve is, or why they were headed to Texas instead of Long Beach where the NYDE was being held.  But if she’s cheating on me, I’m glad Steve fell out of the plane because I don’t see him anywhere.

And finally, here she is realizing that the show had terrible lighting.

rsr2That’s right, baby.  Find that bright spot.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Werk.

rsrJoJo’s solo was a delightful mix of Michael’s Bad Video meets Janet‘s Rhythm Nation meets Toddlers & Tiaras Outfit of Choice.

jjsw2Unfortunately, she didn’t even place during the Awards, which was not cool.

Brynn and Sarah did well, though Sarah may or may not have wobbled, depending on who you talked to and what judge’s score sheet you reviewed.

sh1Throughout the entire competition, Abby was remarkably calm and…dare we say…almost pleasant?  It was creepy.

Clearly, Rolaids and Role Playing can do that to a person.

You heard me.  They said Abby role plays with Magic Mike.

But nothing impromptu.  She has a script.

For role playing.

With a man.

tumblr_inline_o4d9rsOW2R1s93pwl_500#ImDone.

Luckily, the Michael Jackson Little League World Series was about to begin.

42 md

Bonus:  Here’s a picture of MJ disguised as a baseball player when he wanted to go to Costco or wherever.  I forget.  But at least it finally proves he really did have a love for baseball, right?  Or at least International Day when they give out all the samples.tumblr_mcz4ly9qBX1rjsnqfo1_400Rachelle loved the number, even though she was quick to point out that there was not supposed to be an aerial in baseball.  I’m not sure which side of the coin she was judging on that one, but I guess it’s not out of the question that she could umpire in the Bronx on Mondays when most of the shows are dark.

When it was all over, Brynn and Sarah took home First Place.  But the group dance struck out.  Nada.  Nothing.  They didn’t even place.

But Abby was still pretty chillaxed about the whole thing.

Her biggest concern was that Sarah wasn’t a Quicker Picker Upper when it came to spills and choreography.  But that would have to wait for another day back at the ALDC Dugout.

Yeerrrrrrrrr Out!

aa

Game Over.

Buh Bye.

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Dance Moms: When The ALDC Does David Bowie In Las Vegas, You Better Put All Your Money On Mama Drama.

Wednesday, March 30th, 2016

jjk

 

 

I think I’ll just hide back here behind you until whatever is happening stops happening. Srsly…

 

amz

 

 

 

Just saying that if either of you try to leave me, I’ll snap both your necks like this. We good now?

 

nb

 

 

 

Don’t cry, Peanut. Lemme tell you a little story about the International Year Of Nia. That one always cheers me up.

 

giphy-1

 

 

 

Them Haters already tryna take back my new ALDC jacket. Help me, Obi-Wan. They’re all nuts.

 

vibe

 

 

 

So clearly, nobody bothered to read my sweatshirt before you decided to get all up in my grill.

 

afb

 

 

 

I promise you this, sweetie. If we’re both still alive in 5 years, I’ll take you out for a real drink.

 

 

jkg

 

 

I know that I haven’t slept for 72 hours, so you might wanna get that hand outta my face, asap.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

What happens in Pittsburgh doesn’t stay in Pittsburgh.

Because they totally say that, right?  It never stays there.

It usually just ends up moving to Los Angeles and eventually taking a road trip to Vegas.

Which totally happened on Dance Moms.

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Vegas, Baby.

That’s right.  The ALDC was headed to Sin City for another Sheer Talent Competition this week and the odds were stacked in favor of some major Mama Drama before they even got any of their luggage on the bus.

And it started the second the credits finished rolling, with another one of those Random Moments of Chaos that the show likes to open with lately.

The gold Charleston costume was missing.

I swear.  The gold one.  And it was missing.

Sucked into the black hole known as The Back Storage Room.

And whoever was helping Abby Lee Miller dig through that mountain of plastic Target dump bins and Hefty Cinch Saks couldn’t find it to save her Life.  Or her job.

We also learned that Abby had spent the last 2 hours looking for a bolt of material that she specifically requested be pulled the night before by who I can only assume would be one of the random Boy Toy guys who are always walking around in the back of every shot carrying their lunch and a clipboard.

f

Side note:  I’m not really sure why those two fabric swatches match the map of Africa, or why there’s even a map of Africa on the back wall of a Los Angeles, CA dance studio store room/dorm room in the first place.  Or why it has to be so massive.

But there is.  And they do.

And I just bought a pair of suede shoes at Nordstrom that are the same color as Ethiopia, which is a rugged, landlocked country located in the Horn of Africa, split by the Great Rift Valley and known for its archaeological finds dating back more than 3 million years.

63c

As Abby dug through a few more bins and Ashlee sat all by herself out on the empty MomBleachers with no friends (…she said it, not me…) we hitched a ride in Melissa‘s Uber to test out her newly installed CarCam.

Because she got one.

Check it out.  It’s like that taxi cab show where you try to win money.

carTakeaways from this scene:

1.  Maddie was starting to question whether she actually wanted to stay at the ALDC until retirement.  Hollywood is calling, yo.

2.  Mackenzie was stuck all the way in the back and didn’t even have one of those iPads that you can velcro to the back of a headrest and watch Frozen.

3.  Melissa ran a red light.

car runs red light between two carsKidding.  We love Mama Z.  And we didn’t actually see it happen.

Regardless, once Melissa got the cops off her tail and made it to the studio, Abby attempted to start the Pyramid of Shame.  With ‘attempted’ being the key word.

I don’t know.  It all happened so fast I had to rewind a few times.

Abby congratulated Brynn on finally becoming a legit member of the ALDC team.  JoJo hugged her.  Because she’s a hugger.  And things seemed to be going ok so far.

jj

Until Ashlee opened her mouth and asked how Abby really felt about Moms who didn’t agree with last week’s results and who–

Boom.  Melissa cut her off at the knees.  All you want is drama.  Let’s just do Pyramid.

Ashlee raised her hand and her voice, which is never a good thing.

Duh.  I know what you think.  I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to Abby.

Oh snap.

#HollyFace Number One:  OhLawdHereWeGoAgain.

hThe whole thing escalated so quickly that before you knew it, everyone was yelling and crying and crying and yelling and running and bumping into cameramen who were bumping into each other and chasing Moms around the building like it was Nascar.

Ashlee said my MomCrush Jill was just jealous that Brynn was having a better season than Kendall.  Yeah, she said that.

And it’s true, she said.  Because it was all over #SocialMedia.

Social media?  Really?  Have we learned nothing in 6 seasons?

Kendall cried.  Which made JoJo hug her (…because she’s a hugger, remember…) and made Jill lose her nutty.  Don’t listen to her, honey.  That’s a lie.

She’s a Fool!  She’s a Fool!

giphy-3Yeah.  What he said.

Don’t talk to my kid.  Don’t look at my kid.  All you do is tear down kids.

You tear down kids every day, Jill.  No I don’t.  You tear down kids every day, Ashlee.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.

i_know_you_are_pee_wee_hermanAnd then it happened.

KK yelled at Ashlee.

111Wait.  What?

At first she politely said “No, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t do that…” when Ashlee accused Jill of trash talking Brynn all the time.  But when Ashlee got back in her face, KK lost her noodle and screamed “Why are you so mean?!?!” before taking off out the door, followed by Jill, who was all like…

tumblr_lq038n2QhS1qbnfoaWow.

The Kids are becoming like their Mothers.

Or at least that’s what Holly said.  And Holly’s always right.  And this time the whole scene was so horrifying that Holly made every emoji face in the entire IOS 9 update.

h1 h2 h4 h3

I love Holly too much.  Smiley Face emojis with hearts for eyes x Infinity.

Next thing you know, everyone was pouring out into the lobby and crying and hiding and getting subtitled behind the door of whatever this bathroom-looking thing is…

doorFind Out Next!:  Shout out to whoever that now-unemployed intern was who decided to lay that Will They Or Won’t They? graphic smack on top of the other subtitles right in the middle of the good part.

d2What the what?  Now I’ll never know what they were saying.

Brynn cried.  And then cried some more.

And then somebody else cried but I only heard them and never saw who it was.

Thankfully, The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia came to Brynn’s rescue like some kind of slo-mo #SLAYwatch lifeguard (…just like her Mama taught her, BTW…) and scurried the poor thing out of the line of fire and into her mother’s waiting arms.

ash3Recycled Analogy:  Once again, it was just like when an airplane is taking off and/or landing and all the babies on board start crying at the same time because their little ears are popping and there’s nothing you can do but hold them until the pilot turns the light off.

Crazy.  Pants.

mbMackenzie even cried, but I forget why.

Side note:  Is it just me or…?  I swear they’re using the same background music they used on the soundtrack for that new Dawn Of Justice movie.  Am I right?

Look at Jill going after Ashlee when she made Kendall cry.
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Dang.  Mrs. Vertes don’t play.

#HollyFace Number 746:

h5We’re supposed to be Role Models.

Once the dust settled and I realized that it had only been NINE minutes since the show started…yes, you heard me…it was clear that the Pyramid was not gonna happen this week unless we were talking a 4 hour episode.

That’s right.  This recap is already half over and there hasn’t even been a commercial break yet.  Clearly, Imma need to trim back on some of the last 50 minutes of this thing.

Using the same psychic skills which allowed her to know how soon that yellow light was going to turn red, Melissa correctly predicted that MackZ, Brynn and Kalani would be performing solos at the competition if anyone actually got any dancing done this week.

Brynn would portray Princess Leia from Star Wars.  Kalani was going to wear Big Girl heels in a Fred Astaire Musical Theater routine.

And Mackadoodle would be channeling Jennifer Lopez, which made me very happy since Jenny From The Block never wore pigtails.

Melissa made a lot of these faces this week.  Something’s up.

m3

Look at Holly during all this post-drama drama.

hp2015-07-16-1437082928-9455988-pretzels_making_me_thirsty

The group routine was going to be a tribute to David Bowie, complete with (…Spoiler Alert!…) this lightening bolt thing on their faces and big, over-sized blazers like you used to see on MTV when it was actually MTV.bowieis2Trust me, kids.  They used to have music on the music channel.  It was trippy

giphy-4And speaking of trippy.

The next day, Abby took Maddie out for some Girl Talk and a non-alcoholic beverage at the same Sal’s Restaurant they went to FIVE years ago when they were just visiting LA.

Flashback Alert:  Pocket Maddie was back!CHpDyxPWEAA43W6Look at her scoping out that martini like it was her first night on the town with a fake ID.

mfbsal

Where did the time go?

Season One Abby even made a special guest appearance, which was worth the cover charge and two drink minimum all by itself.  Where did the weight go?

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Please tell me that’s not Melissa working the front desk in a beach cover-up.

With one day to go before Sheer Talent, Brynn had skipped school because she wasn’t feeling well, but had made it to rehearsals in the afternoon.  So you know how well that was received by the other Moms.

js2Luckily, Principal Holly came to the rescue and yanked everyone outside to the playground so the cafeteria wouldn’t get trashed during a study hall rumble.

What have we become?

2813cd6cd895ec793e55673a1dc1351dThank Gawd for Holly Frazier.  Voice Of Reason, She Is.

Short Version:  Jill and Kendall returned.  Kendall was wearing a snarky shirt that I enjoyed immensely and which didn’t go unnoticed by Twitter.  Jill cried in her interview whatchamacallit because of everything that Kendall has gone through lately.  And then the ALDC team actually put some ‘Dance’ back into the ALDC and got some rehearsing done.

Finally, it was Showtime!

giphy-2

And time for Michelle Obama to arrive at the venue.

obama

I know, right?  She even has a Secret Service guy in sunglasses working the Sheer Talent detail just in case some 6 year old girl tries to bring down the First Lady with a piece of poster board covered in glitter glue.

And look at the dude behind her in the black tank top.

Somebody’s doing West Side Story today.

obama2Gah.  I love this show.

And Holly.  And the other Moms, of course.  #LIFE.  And some more emojis.

As part of her research, Brynn finally watched a couple of Star Wars movies since she wasn’t even born when they first came out.  In 1977.  Before electricity.

leiaWhen I did the math and figured out how much older I am then Brynn, tho.

leia-what-1438796540tumblr_n5dftfPwk71qg4blro2_500Before the show, Abby grabbed JLo-Z by the throat and let everyone know that she was born into the ALDC and that she had residency (…whatever that means…) and then gave her a noogie on the top of her head and squeezed her so tight she blacked out for a moment.  Guilt anyone into sticking around much?

TMZ Update:  Melissa still won’t say what the dealio is after this season.

Mackenzie’s solo was much more grown-up than her usual handstand-in-a-circle thing she usually busts out on stage.  I think this is the Year Of The Growth Spurt.

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Kalani was straight up Broadway Baby.

I see a potential Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak 2.0 in the making.

kh

I bet Rachelle even subliminally planted something in the brain of every one of those kids back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition that’s going to eventually turn them all into SasRobots unless someone says the Safe Word.

I saved a Smiley Face Heart Eyeball emoji for Rachelle, too.  XO

Brynn was nervous, but she nailed her routine…l3

…even landing on the ground like this a couple times.

a2465a2e0c394136a7f3bc759c11e98aBackstage after the solos…with all the Moms momentarily MIA…the girls were screwing around like plain old girls and having fun and goofing and getting excited for the David Bowie number.

mbw bw

JoJo was so excited she even tooted a little.pepe_baboonbw2bw4
Gross.  But they’re kids, I guess.

The group dance did David Bowie proud.

It was all technicolor and music video-y and made me want to immediately bring back shoulder pads as a must-have fashion accessory. tumblr_o4t0xuBBF51tb8iyko3_500mzbThe Results:

A different West Side Story kid took 3rd Place in the teeny tot solo division, which left room for Mackenzie’s 2nd Place and Brynn’s top spot First Place.  Yaaaaaas, girls!  Yaaaaaas!

Side note:  What’s this kid looking at?

c

Yeah, that’s the lady in the beach cover-up.

Now mind your own business.  We’re trying to make a TV show here.

Kalani scored 2nd Place in her age category and the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  Not a bad day at all, if I do say so myself.

And how about that blinged-out iPad?  Holy smokes.  Put that thing down.ipad

Everyone was happy for a brief couple of seconds.  Until Ashlee noted that all the stress leading up to the competition had made her daughter stress out, that is.

Which, as a mother, made her sad.

Which then made all the other mothers try and figure out where do they go from here?

This week was definitely a wakeup call for the Moms.  Some of their drama was leaking onto their kids way more than they originally thought it was the last few months.

And Holly wasn’t liking it.

She was liking her outfit, tho.  Look at her.

Mama knows she’s on point this week, mmmkay?

hlgClearly, they all had some work to do.

Just not right now.

For now, everyone just needed to get back to LA, lick some wounds and regroup for the next round of competition.

And fix this.

Not try to fix it.

Fix it.

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