Posts Tagged ‘JoJo Siwa’

Dance Moms: Miss Abby Is Getting Her Freak On As Season Five Begins. The ALDC (PA & LA) Is Back In Business!

Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

h 2



Shut. Up. These are the best Sour Patch Gummy Worms I’ve ever had. I can’t even feel my face.






My hair’s on point. My makeup’s totally on point. My outfit’s on point. And you give me three lines this week? WTF?





I miss them too. I’m just saying look at all the extra room we have now. We can finally lay down.






Siri: What was the name of that crazy kid with the gigantic hair bows on my other show? Quick!






Srsly. How the hell is a normal person supposed to reach the top of a 6Plus with one thumb?






On second thought, maybe I will give this chick a pass. Like right out the front door and into the parking lot.






Honestly, I’ve never heard of Christi. But when a volcanic ash pandemic hits, is it really gonna matter?




Freakin’ Finally.

Freakin’ Freak Show Finally.

(See what I did there?  Three months off and I still got it…)

Dance Moms is back!  Not very many of them.  But they’re back.

The crowd had definitely thinned out a bit since the last time we saw everyone.  Maybe more than a bit, actually, because you could literally count them all on one hand as the new competition season began this week.  Which…not gonna lie…is kind of a Win Win situation for me and my bag of Cheeto’s on Tuesday Snack Night.

But it was still Dance Mom(s) plural.  For now anyway.  And lucky for us, the ones that were left all decided to come back for the premiere of Season Five and didn’t waste any time getting right to the Mama Drama.

As soon as the new 2.5 second opening credit title card clanked down like some kind of subliminal guillotine (…Wait.  What?  No more Living On The Dance Floor?…) three things were glaringly apparent.

One:  Abby Lee Miller was going to save a lot of money heating and cooling the ALDC studio this year now that only three Moms are opening and closing that front door all day.

Seriously.  Remember last year when the Original Recipe Moms and the New and Improved Moms and all their Original Select and Junior Select and Elite Select and Junior Elite Super Uber Select kids were all propping that thing open trying to get past the front desk log jam?  I’ll never understand why some of them didn’t just crawl in the window to speed up the process.  The show’s only an hour, people.n

Two:  I’m never going to be as smart as that girl in the Child Genius promo who spelled that thing you get if you stand too close to a volcano when it erupts.

And Three:  This was going to be the Darker Side of Dance Moms.  At least for a few episodes.  Which means we should probably address the Elephant in the Room now and then get to the good stuff.

Gone are the days when the most emotionally traumatizing scene in an episode involved Brooke Hyland taking a pie in the face.  The shizz just got real up in here, yo.

Now Brooke is gone.  Paige is gone.  Kelly is gone.  Christi is gone.  Chloe is gone.

There was a lot of (…edited or nah?…) Christi & Chloe bashing as the games began this week, but you know by now I’m only here for the giggles.  I loved Chloe and her little Cabbage Patch Doll eyes, which I thought were just fine.  And her Mom is so crazy that she needs to be my new BFF asap now that she has all this extra time on her hands.

Everyone else can fight this one out online and get it out of their system, because…honestly…I have so many passwords on my cell phone already that I can’t even imagine having to remember another one just to get into some Gymboree Chatroom and talk smack about Mothers from Pittsburgh.

Which also reminds me that this week’s episode was brought to us by our friends at the Apple Store, because everyone had a new iPhone.

As the Few and the Proud filed in for the first Season Five Pyramid of Shame, the studio had either gotten bigger over the break or there really was nobody left in the building.

My MomCrush Jill went on and on about how skinny Abby was (…and there did seem to be less of her than I remember from Season Four…) but I’m not really sure if she actually got smaller or her hair is just getting bigger, because Ms. Miller is starting to look like Priscilla Presley on her Wedding

Step away from the hot rollers and nobody will get hurt, ma’am.

Side note:  Not nearly enough Jill Time this week.  Needed to be said.  Love her.

Apparently, nobody had heard anything from Christi or Chloe since that big chaotic hallway blow-up at Nationals, which I thought was odd since the girls had been such Instagrammably (…did I just make up a word?…) tight buddies for the last four years.

But again…take it outside or take it to another chat room, thank you.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Kendall and Chloe.  It made me sad to see Chloebird’s picture knowing that she wasn’t even there.

Fresh off the outrageously successful International Year Of The Nia that I predicted, BTW (…Yaaaaaaaas, Gurl!  First Place tiara!…) Nia was keeping Mackenzie or Mackdoodle or MackZ or whatever her name is this week company on the middle row, which meant Maddie was on top already.

So to recap:  Maddie didn’t dance a solo and Chloe doesn’t even get a Dance Moms paycheck anymore, but they were both on the Pyramid.  I fully expect to see my headshot scotchtaped to the mirror next week if this is how Abby’s gonna play it this year.

For their first race out of the gate this season, the ALDC gang was headed to Sheer Talent Competition in Niagara Falls, which my Macbook spellcheck somehow just auto-corrected to ‘Viagra’ and now I’m horrified that someone will think I Googled it on purpose.

Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos this week, which was a little awkward since one of them wasn’t actually in the building at the time of the announcement.  I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to call Chloe at home and let her know or how that was going to work out on stage.  Not my problem, I

The group routine was a circus freak kind of thang, based on the American Horror Story: Freak Show phenomenon.  I’ve never actually watched the show, probably because it conflicts with something on Bravo or Lifetime.  But everyone at work loves it.

And they’re all freaks.  So, yeah.

As four tiny girls ran around in a gigantic empty studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and didn’t quite know what to do with themselves.

You know how when you stay in a hotel and they have a super king-sized bed that is like five times the size of yours at home and you don’t know what else to do but roll all around it because you can…?  It was like that up on the MomPerch couch.

Jill, Holly and Melissa kind of looked like they just missed the 39 Bus and were the only three people left on the bench.

Srsly.  How much do we love Holly?  She got new eyeliner.

Since no one had heard anything from Christi in three months, Jill decided to try and call Chloe’s Mom on her redoinkulously BeDazzled iPhone (…seriously, Gurl…how you get dat thing through a TSA checkpoint?…) which allowed the cameraman ample opportunity to awkwardly linger somewhere between Jill’s cellphone and her cleavage way longer than he should have for a show about little children who can dance.

Not that I’m complaining, of course.  Cuz you know I love me some Jill Vertes.  Maybe I just need to cut back on my Niagara when she’s on screen.

Snap.  Went there.

Naturally, the call went unanswered, which made me wonder how it’s possible that Christi never bothered to set up her voice mail the whole time she was on the show.  You had four years, honey.  Either take it to the Genius Bar or tell the post-production editing department to stop making you look like a raging bitch.

Snap.  That’s twice now.  And it’s only the premiere.


Somewhere around this point was when Abby realized that four little girls barely even qualify for the Group Routine category, so she picked up her new iPhone (…no wonder nobody else could get the Gold one…Lifetime snarffed ‘em all up…) and placed a mystery call to somebody, asking if they could fly out to Pittsburgh and join the party.

Conveniently enough, Kalani Hilliker and her Mom Kira have their own private jet because I swear they were both walking through the studio door before Abby even hung up on them.  Dr. Beyoncé was all like AwHellNah and Jill was all like SayWhat? and then Melissa had her first Eye Twitch of Season Five.

And my Twitter feed got all ‘Molegate.’  Again.

Really?  I’m not doing this for another 32 episodes, people.  I can’t.  I don’t know what happened to it.  It was there.  And then it was gone.  And now it was kinda sorta back again, but not really.  I just can’t.  One season was enough.

Beyond all that hysteria, there was a lot of stress juice leaking from every one of the Moms this week.  I think they were probably just reacting to all the changes and the fact that the Original Recipe Mom Team was no more.  It’s sad to lose your friends, so I don’t think all the negativity up in the Perch was coming from an intentionally mean place.

Holly chewed on Kira a little bit.  Jill snarked on Christi’s Social Media skills.  (Since Christi won’t follow me on Twitter, bonus points were given to Jill on this one just because…)

And then I’m pretty sure Melissa accused Kelly of still using dial-up.  Apparently the Hyland household isn’t wired for high speed internet because Melissa totally trash talked Kelly’s computer skills like she still had tin foil wrapped around her bunny ear TV antennas or something.

Somehow the girls even managed to get a little rehearsing in before leaving for Niagara Falls, which gave skinny Abby time to yell at them just like not-as-skinny Abby used to do.

And then finally, it was Showtime!

And time for this woman.  Who just gave me Life.


No clue who she is.  But she was into it.  Into.  It.

And it was also time for Paige Hyland to slap a lawsuit on Abby, citing mental abuse and unlawful working conditions during her tenure at the ALDC.  You already know the scoop on that one.  TMZ milked that cow dry when it first happened.  They just didn’t tell us it happened on the day the remaining Moms and kids were piling onto a bus.

Side note:  They showed that flashback clip where Paige is standing all by herself in the studio looking like a kid whose Mom just abandoned her in the mall on Christmas Eve.  I hate that clip.

I’m going to assume that everyone went to a hotel first, because when the bus pulled up to the venue Abby had even bigger hair than when she left Pittsburgh and nobody was wearing the same clothes they had on when they put their luggage in the trunk.  There’s no way they could have done that kind of transformation in one tiny bus bathroom.

As usual, the waiting crowd went bonkers.  There were a few ‘I Heart Chloe’ signs that looked like they were glitter glued and painted by the same intern who does all the America Idol audience posters, but whatever.

I missed where the actual event took place, but it looked like an old Costco because everyone was in folding chairs on one flat cement floor, trying to see around the person in front of them.  If I had driven ten hours to Niagara Falls just to look at the back of Abby Lee Miller’s hair I would be soooo not happy.

Kendall’s solo was awesome.  She was like Sheena of the Jungle with a spear and everything.  First Place!

Nia came in Second Place, but scored the top spot as far as I was concerned because she rocked a Roy Lichtenstein costume that made her look like she had just jumped off the cover of the latest issue of Marvel Comic’s SuperNia.

Power of:  Death Drop.  Let’s go fight crime.  And be sassy while we do it, mmmkay?


Holly’s HollyFaces when Nia dances, tho.

Kalani channeled Austin Powers Girlfriend during her/Chloe’s routine.

She came in Second in her division.  Probably because she didn’t wear The Beard.

Because she totally wore The Beard for the Freak Show group routine later in the event and the ALDC came in First Place.  I’m not saying Kalani’s not a good dancer.  I’m just saying that when I was in third grade a kid sang a made-up song in a construction paper hat dressed as Abraham Lincoln and won First Prize, too, so facial hair seems to be the common denominator if you want to snatch some trophies for your case.

And then it got a little odd, because the emcee/director/Ryan Seacrest guy took the mic and let the entire audience know how much Sheer Talent loves and supports Abby.

Not for nothing.  That was nice of him, I guess.  But honestly, if I was the owner of Miss Clementine’s School of Tap and Jazz Handing and was going home with a couple of 9th place trophies and a bunch of kids with sore feet and bad attitudes, I’m not so sure I’d want to sit there and hear about how amazing my competition was when I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me.

And then Ryan Seacrest even called Abby up on stage where she started this impromptu motivational BeTheBestYouCanBe speech that I swear would have ben accompanied by Nia’s Maya Angelou Dance if she could have gotten all the polka dots off her face in time.

So, yeah.

Moral of the Story:  The kids still love to dance.  And the Moms still love their kids.

Dance Moms is back.

Freakin’ Finally.


Dance Moms: It’s Open Auditions In Orlando, Baby. In10sity Gets Intense When Abby Lee Miller Strikes Back.

Wednesday, January 15th, 2014




Because wearing fur keeps me warm and makes me feel like Joan Collins. Are we really having this discussion again?





OMG. Shut. Up. It’s Abby and Melissa. You tweet it and I’ll totally put it on my kid’s Instagram. Totes McGotes.






Lawd have mercy. What the hell is happening on the top of this crazy bitch’s head?






Sorry. Sorry. Sorry…I swear to Gawd I thought this was The Price Is Right.







Honey, Imma need you to work thru the pain while Chloe’s Mom horndogs an EMT or two, ‘kay?







Two. Boom. Done.







I can’t explain it, but something about all this new hair just makes me wanna sing like Whitney.




That’s right.

Everyone’s Replaceable.  Eventually, anyway.

After we hold the threat over your head for at least a month or two, that is.

Then you should probably start watching your back.

Dance Moms returned this week with more job insecurity than you hear about on CNN money reports as Abby Lee Miller (…finally…) unleashed the first of her Open Audition cattle calls to find The Next Big Thing.

After threatening to boot everyone but the makeup guy off her show for the last three seasons it was actually time to start looking for some fresh meat for the ALDC.

Because…say it with me:  Everyone’s Replaceable.

But not until we unveil the latest Pyramid of Shame and talk about whatever was going on with Melissa‘s new floral pants.  Because you know the (…fashion…) rules.

The gang hadn’t even made it past the parking lot potholes and the internet was already buzzing about Girlfriend’s butt-to-toe screen print jegging/legging/body paint.

Oh, Mel.  Love you.  Mean it.  But sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses.

And sometimes you need to walk right past that rack at Forever 21 and realize it’s just the name of a store and not a reality.  Smell ‘em.  Don’t wear ‘em.

And Leslie was back.  Again.

Even after being publicly humiliated at the last competition (…”No, YOU shut up”…) and storming out of the makeup room, she was back.  With a vengeance.  And right up at the front desk trying to schmooze her way into the building as Jill cut in line and slipped Abby what at first appeared to be one of those tiny crack cocaine pouch bags they always show as evidence on CSI.

False Alarm, though.  It turned out to only be a gift of silver hoop earrings with a very low street value, so the whole drug thing was my bad.  Jill’s clean.


Nothing to see here except brown nosing, people.  Keep it moving.

As Abby began the Pyramid Reveal, she prefaced it with another Open Audition threat.

Except this time, the s*** was getting Real.

This week they would all be headed to Orlando for the In10sity Dance Competition.  And the first round in the hunt for new dancers.  Because, you know.  The whole Everybody’s Replaceable thing.

So it was Game On.

Except for Maddie and Mackenzie, of course, who would be going down to Orlando earlier than the rest of the team to help Miss Abby run the auditions.  Because apparently the Ziegler girls are really good at special event logistics.

I know, right?  Who knew?

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Payton, Kendall, Nia and Paige.   Payton was down there because her Mom wouldn’t shut up about it.  Kendall was down there because she performed out of numerical sequence last week and wobbled during her solo.  And now her Mom wouldn’t shut up about it.  Paige was just kinda down there.  Period.

Nia had one or two technical issues, but it’s the International Year of the Nia…so you just wait.  Mama didn’t get no makeover just to watch her baby sit in the basement, mmmkay?

The Pyramid Mezzanine was loaded up with Mackenzie, Brooke and Chloe.  Again, mainly so Maddie could be on top.

And how about Payton’s fake applause when Maddie was announced as Top O’ The Heap again this week?  Did you see that?  It was a-maz-ing.  Ackerman was literally either scratching her palm or giving Maddie THE weakest Mean Girl finger tip tap clap evah.


I’m totally stealing it for next week’s sales meeting when they announce all those top performers that I hate so much.

Go team.  Tap.  Now where are those donuts I keep hearing about?

Maddie and Mackenzie scored this week’s solos.  Brooke, Paige and Chloe were handed a See No Evil Speak No Evil Hear No Evil trio routine that was going to be part monkey/part boogie-woogie Andrews Sisters with Brooke as the lead monkey singer.


(Google it or ask your parents, kids.  I’m not calling her a monkey.  I’m referencing an old photo of three monkeys and now realizing that this joke is not worth the effort involved.)

And finally, the group dance was all about smelling like Team Spirit.

Until you get cut from the Team, anyway.  So take a big whiff now, cuz you never know.

As they headed into rehearsals, Abby asked all the Moms to tweet about the upcoming Open Auditions while they were upstairs picking on each other.  Clearly every one of these Moms knows how to work a cellphone at warp speed, but apparently Dr. Beyoncé’s Sidekick is the only one with a calculator because Holly did some quick Doctorate Math and realized that tweeting out the Auditions amounted to a Craigslist post looking to replace your own kid in the family photo.  I don’t think so.  No, ma’am.  Not doing it.

Abby commended Holly for being the only one in the room smart enough to figure that scam out so quickly and then asked Melissa to immediately start tweeting, which in an odd kind of way implied that Melissa wasn’t very smart.  Or maybe that was just my interpretation of the events.

As the Moms all hit the MomPerch and began debating how Kendall and Chloe could have possibly been swapped out of order in last week’s competition, Abby remained in the studio to work on making Mackenzie her bitch.  And hopefully slipping in some choreography between foot rubs.

Because that totally happened.  Nice socks, by the way.

And now that you mention Mack.  I’m still not sure what age is actually listed on Mackenzie’s drivers license.  Sometimes she seems like she’s 6 years old, rolling all over the floor in a sugar buzz and then sometimes she goes all youtube Glamazon giving Duck Face Realness on her Pyramid headshot.

One minute Abby is talking about how she wants to take Mack down into the ALDC Underground Laboratory and turn her into a Maddie Clone and then the next minute she’s sticking another one of those damn cutie patootie hair bows on her head.  So I have no idea what’s going on with that kid.  She may have to lay on her belly and kick her legs back and forth a few more times before I really get a handle on where she’s headed in her dance career.


The trio rehearsal got all the Moms excited.  Especially Jill, who saw the old fashioned radio microphone stand come out and wanted in on some of that action right now.  There was some discussion on whether or not Abby was just trying to take credit for Brooke’s current dream of pop stardom, but honestly, whenever Jill starts doing her shimmy shimmy cocoa puff I get such a bad case of Vertes Vertigo that I don’t even know what’s happening.  Call me when you want to hit the klubz, gurrrrl.

It should also be noted that Leslie was trying to fit in with the Moms a little better by rocking a Bump-It, but she had it all the way in the front of her hair instead of in the back the way they show it on the commercial.  Not sure what that was all about, but I know Holly was dying to touch it.  Because that’s kind of her thing now.

Then it was Open Audition Time!  So You Think You Can Dance: Pee Wee Edition.

At first I thought it was just lost footage from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition (…you know how they love to cross promote the krap out of these shows…) since there were a bunch of random dancers from this past season jumping around the stage.  I’m pretty sure I saw Honey Bow Bow Child and WhatsHerName that was always afraid of her own shadow colliding with an auditorium full of new fresh and juicy lunacy.

And speaking of.  You know that spray you can buy at Petco that keeps cats from peeing on your bushes?  The one that drives them all into your neighbor’s yard instead?  I swear that Lifetime has the opposite of that in their production booth toolboxes somewhere, because with one quick hit of KrazySpray that auditorium was stampeded by wannabe dancers and their nutty Moms.

All wide eyed and rocking those big sticky game show name tags, kid after kid tried to keep up with Maddie’s lead as Mom after Mom melted down in their seats.  They were standing up.  They were sitting down.  They were standing back up again.  They were yelling at Abby.  They were begging for second chances.  They were ugly crying.

Seriously.  Melissa even had to go over and talk one of the Moms off a ledge she was so devastated by the outcome.  Mama Drama.  To Infinity and Beyond.


But how cute was that first little kid in the first big rehearsal?  Did you see her?  She clearly just learned to walk last week and had no idea what was happening.  I’m pretty sure she still had a soft spot in her head she was such a baby.  Cute times a billion.

It was Madness, I tell you.  

There were Studio Hoppers, Booty Poppers and Name Droppers.  There was even one Dad who was so clearly duped into thinking this was going to be a Monster Truck Rally that he just sat there chewing his gum hard enough to give me a headache.  Suckah.

Somehow, between all the crying and yelling, Abby managed to find a handful of dancers who made it through the audition without poking their own eyes out and they all got an ALDC pass.  Stay tuned.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Jill and Kendall were late.  Apparently Jill hadn’t learned her lesson after the last family vacation and decided to attend one of her other daughter’s events instead of getting on an early flight.  In the Dance World you’re either supposed to pick favorites or be better at managing your iPhone calendar.

As for the staging, someone wise once told me to never skimp on lighting.

And they didn’t.

Holy solar flare, Batman.  I’m pretty sure they used the same heat lamps they use above those rolling wieners in the 7-11 convenience store hot dog case.  In an attempt at bringing in a bigger male viewership they also had one judge with an especially low cut top who probably scored a Perfect 10 from the Hooter’s panel.

The show doesn’t always have to be on the stage, kids.  Remember that.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  Of course she won.

Mackenzie went back to her cutie pie roots and acrobatted (…is that even a word?…) herself around the stage like a preemie Sonic waitress.  She won, too, even though Abby was quick to point out that she’s still not Maddie.

The trio did their best RuPaul drag queen Lip Sync For Your Life but only came in 2nd Place.  Which was not First Place.  Yikes.


And then Payton fell down.  Hard.

Somehow she either tripped on a chair backstage or over Kendall’s big foot or ran into one of those air pockets that make JetBlue planes lurch to the side.  It wasn’t really clear, since we got two stories almost as soon as she hit the ground.  Regardless, the moral of the story is that Payton can do backflips and pointe shoe spins but can’t walk a straight line.

Gianna: Payton fell.  Something snapped.  Leslie: Who?  Abby: Payton…your daughter.  You remember her, right?  Leslie:  OhMyGod!  Abby:  Shut Up, Leslie.

Suddenly, all these muscled up EMT dudes burst through the backstage doors like it was somebody’s Bachelorette party.  I really thought one of them was going to be holding a boom box and the whole thing was just a staged fake out to get strippers past security.

Christi immediately pulled her top off and pretended that she was the one with the broken foot while Abby’s tongue fell out of her mouth so far that you could swab it for Strep.

And I’m not even making up most of that.  Not a pretty look, ladies.

It was panic.  The girls had to quickly re-block the group number.  Holly kept Payton from completely losing her nutty on the stretcher while Christi put on more lip gloss…just in case.  Because you never know.

As the Chippendales van drove away, the group hit the stage and still somehow managed a First Place showing without the big tall hole that Payton usually fills.

There was also what appeared to be an unconscious kid laying in his Mom’s lap in the audience during awards, but the ambulance had already left the building so he wasn’t going anywhere.

It totally reminded me of Toddlers & Tiaras crownings when all the kids hit that Pixie Stix Wall and crash at the end of the night.  I miss that show.

And then it was over.

Nobody got booted off the Team.

At least not yet.

But I hear that Everyone’s Replaceable.


Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Finally The Finale! Joffrey Ballet Scholarship…Here Comes A Winner!

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013




No. Really. I’m not even lying. Her Mom freakin’ literally said ‘Nebraska’ like 400 times. I get it, lady.






I could swear I just saw that Bow Bow JoJo’s van out in the hotel parking lot. Don’t even…






Beautiful Nebraska, the peaceful prairie land. Laced with many rivers and the hills of sand. Now just the boys sing!






OhHellNo, Bitch. I know you did not just lip synch that Flashdance song. Hellz to the No.







So I’m back, ya’ll. Where’s my check?








Oh, look.  It’s JoJo.







Honestly, I don’t even care who wins this thing anymore. I just want to sleep in my own damn bed.





The Finale.

After 11 tearful weeks of turned in/turned out trauma, Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition turned it up and crowned a Winner, sending one lucky girl home with $100,000 in cash and an “I ♥ Joffrey” bumper sticker for the family mini-van.

It’s true.  Somebody finally scored that elusive full ballet scholarship and a confetti cannon explosion, but only after everyone else was put through one last round of Mama Drama and a geography lesson or two.  Or ten.

Thanks, Shari.  We get it.  Nebraska.

Really.  If you don’t know where the Midwest is by now, you just need to go update your Google Maps app and finish this later.  And it probably wouldn’t hurt to learn the Cornhuskers Fight Song while you’re at it, since the birthplace of Kool-Aid seems to be a pretty hot topic lately.

(Seriously.  Kool-Aid was invented there.  And cows.)

If your drinking game word was “Midwest” or “Nebraska” or “Sas” you probably only made it through the first 15 minutes of the show before blacking out, so here’s what you missed while you were face down on the carpet…

The Final Four.  Kalani, Trinity, McKaylee and Giaaaaanna.

With one final mini-challenge to go before crowning (…sorry, I’m getting my dancers mixed up with my toddlers…) the few remaining members of the original AUDC flashmob were tying up loose ends back at the Bungalow before heading over to the studio.

Cindy was busy stressing out Giaaaaanna with a pep talk.  Rocking one of those baggy grey sweatshirts that you wear when you’re having a couple of beers and painting old lawn furniture in the backyard, Cindy pledged to not drive Giaaaaanna clinically insane as long as her daughter focused on the task at hand.  Gah, Mom.  Chillax.  Puhleez.

They’re from Philly, you know.  Love them.

Trinity and Mom Tina were under the assumption that the Joffrey Ballet had some secret basement room filled with nothing but stretching machines from the 1600’s and that after Trinity won the competition she would suddenly be as tall as Heidi Klum.  I swear Mom’s jacket said “Allegra” on the back, but I couldn’t figure out why anyone would name a dance studio after an allergy pill with so many side effects.  Whatever.  I’m not a dancer.


While Fake Kristie Ray Mom Kira plotted revenge against Cindy, Kalani had a nice talk with her Dad from his prison cell.  (That was a joke.  He’s not really in jail.)

At least I don’t think so.  It’s just that whenever you talk to someone on Face Time, they always look like they’re doing hard time on Rikers Island.  Really.  Call someone right now.

Am I lying?  It never looks like the magazine ad.  I should sue Apple.

And then McKaylee’s Mom Shari let us know they were both from Nebraska, in case you hadn’t picked up on that little bit of trivia over the past 11 weeks.

Across the street at the AUDC studio, the girls were met by Abby, Rachelle and Richy, who were all seated at the judges table.  Plot twist?


But first, there was a surprise video message from last season’s Winner Brianna Haire that flickered up on some fancy new high tech screens like Princess Leia shooting out of R2-D2’s movie projector nose.

Help me fix my sickle feet, Obi Wan.  Help me.

I always liked Brianna.  And Star Wars.

The final mini-challenge this week was to pick your favorite dance and do it again.  Like an encore.  Except you had to pick it, remember it, get dressed for it, fix yo’ face and perform it in the next 10 minutes.

Hysteria ensued.  The girls went into warp speed and the Moms went into warp spaz.

McKaylee did her Les Mis routine again, but without the sad Anne Hathaway chopped salad haircut.  Trinity did her Down N Dirty Diva duet routine, but this time without Honey Bow Bow JoJo trying to play catch-up on the eight count.

Giaaaaanna did her Zombie solo behind the tombstone again, while Kalani chose to save a horse and ride a cowboy one more time.

Unfortunately, as delightfully age inappropriate as Kalani’s routine was the first time we saw it, this week’s encore performance barely made it out of the barn.  She had trouble getting the elastic out of her hair to unleash the inner naughty cowgirl, got the lasso tangled around her own throat, fell backwards onto her saddle cushion after an ariel front sumthin sumthin and ended up being cut from the competition.


Because that was the plot twist.  One girl was being eliminated immediately after the mini-challenge.  Did I forget to mention that part?

And then there were three.  See you tomorrow.

And then suddenly there were six more as a stampede of former contestants stormed the castle.

Dat’s rite.  The TBoyz, Ally, Haley, JoJo and Kalani were back!

It should be noted that my girl Chloe was mysteriously MIA, which made me really sad since I was hoping to see Mama Angela testifying with her hands up in the ayah ayah one last time this season.  She was one of my favorites.  Holla at you, girl.

And how about Ally’s new and improved hair?  Buh Bye crazy curly ‘fro with its own zip code.  Hello sleek and shiny and straight like in the commercial.

Somebody got a flat iron for her birthday.

Tessandra Chavez put the kids through a boxing themed group rehearsal while Cindy lamented the fact that six more crazy bitches had just landed on Planet AUDC.

I also think that for the first few minutes JoJo actually believed she was asked back just so she could be declared the Winner as she pinged and zinged around the room.  I forgot how exhausting it is to live in JoJo’s World O’ Bows.

After finishing up rehearsals for Rocky XV: The Musical, the Final Three headed off to learn their own solo routines.  And to cry just a little.

Giaaaaanna and Mom had an Oprah Moment with Tessandra as they all sat on the couch and got real about Cindy’s divorce.

McKaylee, who was pretty much put on Earth to do ballet and attend Karaoke Night with the girls from the office every Thursday, didn’t even know the lyrics to her new song and it was messing with her head.

Yeah.  The girl who got busted every single week for 11 weeks for lip synching during her performances didn’t know the words.  It’s called Irony, kids.  Look it up.


Victor Rojas, wearing the best whacky tank top ever in the history of whacky tank tops, had McKayKay take a step back and just listen to the music.  She learned the lyrics.  She learned the story.  She let us all know that it sucks to be 13 years old with a Mom that doesn’t get it.  And then she and Sharit melted down.  Like they do in Nebraska.

Go ‘Huskers!

Trinity’s solo was dedicated to her grandfather who had just passed.  And Tarua Hall‘s signature jacket with the fur collar made another appearance.  That’s pretty much all you need to know about that one.  I love Trinity.

Back in the MomRoom, crazy-haired Melanie was attempting to crazy-toast the Top Three Moms.  With real liquor.

Any guesses how that went down?

Cindy got all Philly on everyone.  Kira couldn’t support Giaaaaanna because her Mom lies and cheats and passes counterfeit bills at Walmart.  Ally’s Mom Tiffany, who basically hated everyone and everything since Day One, decided to stick with that theme and just bad mouthed all the kids and parents in between gulps of complimentary champagne.

Stick with what you know, I guess.

JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was either wearing a wire for the Mob or is planning on writing a tell-all book when the dust settles, because she was noticeably quiet…just taking it all in before the attack.  She cracks me up.  I bet she is a complete panic at bake sales.

Finally, it was Showtime!

My boy Kevin Manno was all slicked back and gettin’ it done in one last slim fit suit for the occasion.  Tight and Right, dude.  Tight and Right.

Richy had pulled another sleeveless number out of his seemingly endless supply of cartoon vests and Rachelle was all Sparkles & Sas.  Sas with one ‘S’ that is.  And a trademarked ‘S’ at that.  Who’s Sas?  I’m Sas.  You’re Sas.  We’re all Sas!

Back in the Green Room, Abby pulled one last fast one and brought in Davis Robertson from the Joffrey Ballet to freak out the girls right before they hit the stage.

At the request of the producers, Mr. Joffrey was going to be sitting at the judges table this week in the hopes that his and Richy’s combined upper body strength would be enough to restrain Rachelle from kicking and jumping and werking and Biting The Apple every five minutes.  We only have two hours, people.


Rachelle trademarked that whole Bite The Apple thing, too.  Cuz she’s sassy like dat.

But since this was the Finale, you can’t just jump into the awards ceremony.  You have to milk it.  Haven’t you ever watched Dancing With The Stars?  Their finale goes on for like a week and a half.  Two weeks when Kirstie Alley lost all that weight.

So first up was Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms!  Dancing her way to a television screen near you on New Year’s Day.  Set your DVRs!

This franchise does love that cross promotional s***.  Shout out to Holly!

After Maddie rolled and reached around the stage, Richy hit the footlights with something right out of a comic book.  I think he wore the same sunglasses as last year, but I could be wrong.  That bitch can pop and lock though.  And fight crime in high tops.

And then it was the Rachelle Rak Show as she Flashdanced her way around the stage while the Princess Leia screens all blinked ‘Sas’ over and over again.  I thought for sure it must have been some kind of subliminal message to buy her new song on iTunes or something, but ‘Sas’ spelled backwards is still ‘Sas,’ so I might be reading more into it than was actually there.

I’m not really sure if what Rachelle did was actual dancing as much as it was walking like Bette Midler and biting apples like she hadn’t eaten in a week, but the crowd went wild.

And you totally knew she was gonna rip off that shimmy skirt and go full out balls to the walls leotard by the end.

But, whoa.  Hold up.  Rachelle lip synched the entire time, which is exactly what she kept spanking McKaylee for all season.  Am I wrong?  Oy.

Head snap.  Hair flip.  Hand in the air.  And scene.

It’s called Sas, bitches.  And don’t your forget it.

Then it was almost time for the group dance and the Final Three solos.  Almost.  After some American Idol-ish home videos, of course.  Trinty has like 50 brothers and sisters.

Girrrl, that hip hop group routine was turnt up.  Turnt Up.  Which means it was really good.

Giaaaaanna had clearly been practicing her apple biting technique.  McKaylee suddenly found the personality that everyone had been trying to slap on her face for the last 11 weeks.  And Trinity and The TBoyz just need to take that shiz on the road right now.

Boom.  Boom.  One more Boom.  Pow.  And then solos.


Trinity’s dance incorporated so many turns and tricks that I got a little nauseous, but she totally rocked the house.  You can tell she’s got a trampoline at home.

Giaaaaanna definitely proved that she was the MVP for Most Improved Playa.  At least in the flexibility category, anyway.

McKaylee bobbled a few little nothings, but everyone still liked her routine.  It even made Richy suddenly talk in a really high cartoon voice for some reason, even though he took issue with a few moves.

Rachelle stood up and down a few more times and then they picked a winnaaaaahhh.

Trinity was the first dancer cut.

She kinda saw it coming, even though she was totz amaze balls on stage.  Until they figure out how to put lifts inside pointe shoes, I’m not sure if she’ll ever get the lead role in The Nutcracker.  But it doesn’t really matter since she’ll be dancing backup for Jennifer Lopez before you know it.  And sorry, but that is waaaay cooler in my books.

And then it was down to Giaaaaanna and McKaylee.

Philly vs. Nebraska.  Just like the Super Bowl, right?

Cindy cried.  Abby cried.  Shari cried.  Most of the Midwest probably cried.  And that was before they even announced who won the damn thing.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  Dancers and Wannabes.

Abby’s Ultimate Dancer for 2013…..


The crowd went bazoinkers.  The judges rushed the stage.  And everyone in Nebraska pretty much wet themselves in their overalls all at the same time.

We have a Winner.

Now we can catch our breath.  And catch up on our homework.

And wait for Dance Moms to come back.

Congratulations, McKaylee.

‘Huskers in the hizzle!  Way to represent.

As for me, I’ll see you all back in Pittsburgh before you know it.

Show’s over.  Go home.

The End.


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