Posts Tagged ‘JoJo Siwa’

Dance Moms: When It’s Bottom Of The Ninth And You Need A Thriller, It’s Time For JoJo To Steal The Show Show.

Wednesday, April 6th, 2016

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Raise your hand if you got something way better than a postcard in Vegas. Dolla Dolla Bill, yo!

 

 

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I’m not telling you where I hid all the other Christies until you give me that damn track jacket. I’m not playing.

 

 

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I’m totally serious. If they’re just gonna flip out and leave again, I’m calling their parking spot.

 

 

 

 

Imma need you ladies to wrap up all this crazy asap. I’m pitching a double header tonight.

 

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Ummm…Hello? I dance. I like sparkly things. And nobody understands me. I’m freaking Hee Hee Shamone MJ.

 

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So my voice finally changed. And yet I still have no words for what I’m walking into right now…

 

 

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Me and my kid even in this episode? Cuz if that’s how we’re playing it this week, I’m just gonna make a hair appointment.

 

 

 

Cue the music.

Living on the Dance Floor.

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Blood on the Dance Floor.

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Yup.

Dancing and Bloodshed.  Thats what I’m talking about.

And there was a lot of both this week, literally and almost physically a few times, as old and new faces collided (…insert unintentional, yet inappropriately hilarious and smoothly transitional Michael Jackson Plastic Surgery Joke right here: _______ ) during the latest episode of Dance Moms.

Starting with The Return Of Christy Hunt.

Dat’s rite.

Look who was sitting on the MomBleachers as soon as the credits finished rolling.

Sarah Hunt‘s loud and proud Mama.

Christy was back.

No.

Not this Christi.  You wish.
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Or this Kristie.  Look at those crazy mime in a box arms flailing around.

tumblr_n65tiy1EQ21tcwnk1o1_500But the third one that everyone used to call CHRIST-y from back in the Pittsburgh days when it was the Attack Of The Christies every week.

The one who looks like John Candy in a Celine Dion wig.

jc1 celine-dion

That one right there.  jc

She didn’t used to look like that, but somehow on the flight from PA to LA she got herself natural highlights and a tube of lipstick and now she looks like that.

Side note:  I think she’s a riot.  And you know I love every Mom on this show, so no hate tweets.  Especially from John Candy fans, please.  Because that was a joke.

And I nailed it.  And you know that’s right.

Christy #3 was sitting on the MomBleachers all by herself when Ashlee rolled into the studio, so they had no choice but to awkwardly introduce themselves to each other and immediately pit their two kids against one another in a battle for that elusive ALDC jacket.

Side note again:  I love how everyone in Pittsburgh can just pick up everything they own in a rolling duffel bag and move to Los Angeles on a whim.  Don’t any of these people have pets  Whose feeding them?  I mean, how much dry cat food can you really leave in a bowl if you’re planning on sticking it out through the end of the 2016 dance season?

New Drinking Game Alert:  Ashlee’s hair.  It’s different in every shot.

Check it out next time.  She’s clearly one of those nervous hair finger runner-through-ers, because every time the camera cuts back to her she has a different part going on up there.  Nothing drastic, but sometimes it’s over there, or over there, or there’s a messy thing happening on top a little bit.

Relax, honey.  You got the gig.

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Next in the door was Melissa, who was all of the sudden Christy’s new BFF and gave her hugs and kisses like she just got out of prison and thanked her for all the millions of text messages from Pittsburgh while she was locked away.

Hold up.  Didn’t Melissa try to push Christy down a flight of stairs the last time they were together?  Or am I making that up?

Turns out that Christy had changed her…ways…and now Melissa loved her.

In capital letters:  LOVED her now.

This is Christy’s old hair.

cAnd these are her old ways.

tumblr_n9l3iuNDaL1ql5yr7o1_500Not gonna lie.  Kinda miss both.

And why was Holly dressed like 1960s Cher that day?  Not that I’m complaining.

article-2621958-1DA0A8D800000578-14_634x791After everyone else stumbled in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was explained that Kira and Kalani were not in LA this week due to a family funeral.  Condolences and a hug.

And then one more hug for that cute baby.

Bottom of the Pyramid was all about Kalani, Mackenzie‘s bad feet and JoJo, followed by Kendall, Maddie and Nia on the mezzanine level.

Which left little Brynn on top, with the highest score at last week’s competition and a track jacket that she could finally have embroidered with her own name.  You go, girl.  Muah.

brThis week the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Long Beach.

And Abby got some last week.

Because that’s how smoothly that transition went.

I was like…

dance-moms-now-you-see-hernow-you-dont-the-mi-L-s_7waWAnd Abby was like…yobtwballAnd then my MomCrush Jill explained that Abby had hooked up with some Mystery Man she nicknamed Magic Mike and now the Apocalypse is upon us for real.

Bonus:  Actual unedited, never before seen footage from Abby’s Vegas trip:

tumblr_m68cggbemZ1r3ifxzo1_500Isn’t that the Candy Apples lady in the red?

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Think about that for a minute.

Cauepb8UYAAiu5XWhen she wan’t making it rain up in there, Abby somehow managed to find time to take in the Michael Jackson ONE Cirque du Soleil show and was now determined to create some MJ-inspired dances for this week’s competition.

Like the group routine.  Which had a baseball theme.  Because MJ loved baseball.

Excuse me?

Holly looked that way…

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And then that way…
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And then that way and was all like Wait.  What?h2Everyone was Googling it, but nobody could find any Wikipedia references to how MJ’s signature sequined glove was actually a catcher’s mitt or any MLB regulations on backing up into home plate with a Moon Walk vs. sliding in face first.

I did find this dude from the Lehigh Valley IronPigs wearing a Thriller uniform for some reason.  His pants are tight, but his glove is so not sparkly.

19-lehigh-valley-ironpigs-michael-jackson-tribute-jerseys-crazy-minor-league-jerseys And I found a baseball with Michael Jackson’s face on it that only costs $19.99.

Michael-Jackson-BaseballBut mostly I just found pictures of Michael and the baby from Escape From The Planet Of The Apes looking all matchy matchy.

92110,xcitefun-michael-jackson-bubble-the-chimpAnd this, of course.

GTY_trump_jackson_1990_jef_160219_12x5_1600America.

Brynn and Sarah scored a duet, as well as Maddie and Kendall.  Except that Maddie was going to be MIA for the next 24 hours due to some Disney shindig that required her presence and now Kendall was already stressing out about it.

kkShe and Maddie are BFFs and with all the TMZ/US Weekly rumors over at CVS about the Zieglers evacuating the dance floor after this season, it made sense that KK wanted to get as much MaddieTime in as possible.

Bonus:  Here’s a shot of Ashlee and Christy when they were on The Price Is Right bidding on that Final Showcase at the end of the show.  Am I right?

pirAfter the girls rehearsed the group routine for a few, Melissa and Maddie had some time on the DL back in what I assume was the ALDC LA store or something.

stWith all the crap piled up in the storeroom next to Abby’s twin bed, I can’t believe there’s only one tank top and a pair of booty shorts hanging on that whole rack.  When I worked at the GAP I would have fired someone for that kind of merchandising.

That scene was basically foreshadowing things to come.  Stay tuned.

The next day, after Kendall got done taking all her selfies in the back parking lot (…you see that?…) everyone went inside so they could all get under Melissa’s skin over the TMZ/Us Weekly/CVS thing again.

Melissa has been making this face a lot lately.

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When she’s not booty popping, I mean.

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Imagine driving by that window with all them ladies talking dirty.

dirtyOooh, Magic Mike.  You nasty.

Side note:  Where did all those people come from all of the sudden?  Look at ’em all.

The place has been empty for 2 seasons and all of the sudden it looks the Today Show window.  And what’s even happening right now with that one Mom right there trying to get her 15 minutes in front of the camera?

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I know those are probably sunglasses on her head, but if you squint she kinda looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman, right?

And there she is again.

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Maybe she should be less worried about texting her girlfriends that she’s on the television and more worried about her kid hanging off that jungle gym back there.

That kid.  Right there.

Get down from there right now.  Go in that Homework Room.  I’m not tell you again.kids

Look at Abby having one of those mini strokes.

Side note Two:  I’m gonna assume we missed out on some Nia solo or something that never aired, because otherwise I have no explanation as to why Sasha was wearing fancy BigGirl heels and talking to herself and spinning a mirror around and around in the corner while Brynn and Sarah rehearsed.

mirrorPlease let it be a solo.  Because otherwise that’s something that a crazy person does alone at home on a Friday night with lipstick smeared all over their face.

You said you’d text me back.  I know you have your phone on.

Side note Three:  That was pretty much the extent of Holly and Nia’s participation this week.  And I am not happy at all.

Granted, Holly had a few more Pearls of Wisdom that she unleashed during the episode, which is a given.  But there were not nearly enough #HollyFaces or Moments of Clarity and/or Slaying to fill the hour and thats an issue that needs to be addressed asap by the producers.

#YAAAAAAS.

niaProgramming note:  For this evening’s rehearsal performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by JoJo Siwa.  And that’s pretty when it all started to go downhill.

JoJo and KK weren’t syncing up right.  Kendall wanted Maddie, even though she loves her some JoJo.  And she didnt’ want to do it as a solo.

So naturally, everyone started yelling and KK started crying and ran out of the studio and then back into the studio and snipped at Abby a little and then got dragged back out again by Jill who wasn’t going to let her do this in front of Abby or the cameras or me, because she knows it gives me anxiety.

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But you know how Reality Television goes.  They could have left out the part where Kendall got hit in the back of the head with a shovel by Wile E. Coyote and that’s why she was crying.  You just never know.

But regardless, everyone was running in circles like they do on Scooby Doo when they run in and out of all those different doors all at once.  It was crazy pants.

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I love KK.

Yeah, I know.  She’s a crier.  But even Holly noted that…umm, duh…they’re children.  And this is an extremely stressful time for the children thanks to TMZ/US Weekly…etc.

So cut her some slack, yo.  Or take it to a chat room.

Contractually Obligated “I’m Done!” Scene:  Jill and Kendall ended up leaving.

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Q.  Why is all that stuff always laying all over the floor and the benches when they have like a million empty hooks on the wall?  Seriously.

The next day, Kendall was back, but her duet with Maddie had somehow turned into a solo for JoJo.  And you know how well that was going over with everyone.  Especially Christy who kept needling Jessalynn about throwing friends under the bus just to get your kid ahead.

Check out everything that’s going on with Christy right there.

c3When you got Dance Moms at 2 but you’re chaperoning Prom at 7.

What the–?  This show, I swear.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And…is that…?

fangirlingAAAAUUGGGHHH!  OhMyGawd!!!!!

Nobody told me Rachelle Rak was judging this thing!

I almost spit out the apple I was biting.  The ‘Sas’ was back!  We love Rachelle!

You remember her from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and all the other stuff I keep reminding you about every time she shows up.

She’s my Broadway Girlfriend.  She just doesn’t know it.  Clearly.

Otherwise I’d have some box seat tickets in my hand right now.

Here she is getting ready for the competition.  I think they filmed it on Casual Friday at Toys ‘r Us.  Got enough Fisher Price on the floor there?

Rachelle_Rak_as_Wonder_Woman_-_2015-06-21And here she is on her way to the competition.

giphy-1I don’t know who Steve is, or why they were headed to Texas instead of Long Beach where the NYDE was being held.  But if she’s cheating on me, I’m glad Steve fell out of the plane because I don’t see him anywhere.

And finally, here she is realizing that the show had terrible lighting.

rsr2That’s right, baby.  Find that bright spot.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Werk.

rsrJoJo’s solo was a delightful mix of Michael’s Bad Video meets Janet‘s Rhythm Nation meets Toddlers & Tiaras Outfit of Choice.

jjsw2Unfortunately, she didn’t even place during the Awards, which was not cool.

Brynn and Sarah did well, though Sarah may or may not have wobbled, depending on who you talked to and what judge’s score sheet you reviewed.

sh1Throughout the entire competition, Abby was remarkably calm and…dare we say…almost pleasant?  It was creepy.

Clearly, Rolaids and Role Playing can do that to a person.

You heard me.  They said Abby role plays with Magic Mike.

But nothing impromptu.  She has a script.

For role playing.

With a man.

tumblr_inline_o4d9rsOW2R1s93pwl_500#ImDone.

Luckily, the Michael Jackson Little League World Series was about to begin.

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Bonus:  Here’s a picture of MJ disguised as a baseball player when he wanted to go to Costco or wherever.  I forget.  But at least it finally proves he really did have a love for baseball, right?  Or at least International Day when they give out all the samples.tumblr_mcz4ly9qBX1rjsnqfo1_400Rachelle loved the number, even though she was quick to point out that there was not supposed to be an aerial in baseball.  I’m not sure which side of the coin she was judging on that one, but I guess it’s not out of the question that she could umpire in the Bronx on Mondays when most of the shows are dark.

When it was all over, Brynn and Sarah took home First Place.  But the group dance struck out.  Nada.  Nothing.  They didn’t even place.

But Abby was still pretty chillaxed about the whole thing.

Her biggest concern was that Sarah wasn’t a Quicker Picker Upper when it came to spills and choreography.  But that would have to wait for another day back at the ALDC Dugout.

Yeerrrrrrrrr Out!

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Game Over.

Buh Bye.

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Dance Moms: When The ALDC Does David Bowie In Las Vegas, You Better Put All Your Money On Mama Drama.

Wednesday, March 30th, 2016

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I think I’ll just hide back here behind you until whatever is happening stops happening. Srsly…

 

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Just saying that if either of you try to leave me, I’ll snap both your necks like this. We good now?

 

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Don’t cry, Peanut. Lemme tell you a little story about the International Year Of Nia. That one always cheers me up.

 

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Them Haters already tryna take back my new ALDC jacket. Help me, Obi-Wan. They’re all nuts.

 

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So clearly, nobody bothered to read my sweatshirt before you decided to get all up in my grill.

 

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I promise you this, sweetie. If we’re both still alive in 5 years, I’ll take you out for a real drink.

 

 

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I know that I haven’t slept for 72 hours, so you might wanna get that hand outta my face, asap.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

What happens in Pittsburgh doesn’t stay in Pittsburgh.

Because they totally say that, right?  It never stays there.

It usually just ends up moving to Los Angeles and eventually taking a road trip to Vegas.

Which totally happened on Dance Moms.

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Vegas, Baby.

That’s right.  The ALDC was headed to Sin City for another Sheer Talent Competition this week and the odds were stacked in favor of some major Mama Drama before they even got any of their luggage on the bus.

And it started the second the credits finished rolling, with another one of those Random Moments of Chaos that the show likes to open with lately.

The gold Charleston costume was missing.

I swear.  The gold one.  And it was missing.

Sucked into the black hole known as The Back Storage Room.

And whoever was helping Abby Lee Miller dig through that mountain of plastic Target dump bins and Hefty Cinch Saks couldn’t find it to save her Life.  Or her job.

We also learned that Abby had spent the last 2 hours looking for a bolt of material that she specifically requested be pulled the night before by who I can only assume would be one of the random Boy Toy guys who are always walking around in the back of every shot carrying their lunch and a clipboard.

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Side note:  I’m not really sure why those two fabric swatches match the map of Africa, or why there’s even a map of Africa on the back wall of a Los Angeles, CA dance studio store room/dorm room in the first place.  Or why it has to be so massive.

But there is.  And they do.

And I just bought a pair of suede shoes at Nordstrom that are the same color as Ethiopia, which is a rugged, landlocked country located in the Horn of Africa, split by the Great Rift Valley and known for its archaeological finds dating back more than 3 million years.

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As Abby dug through a few more bins and Ashlee sat all by herself out on the empty MomBleachers with no friends (…she said it, not me…) we hitched a ride in Melissa‘s Uber to test out her newly installed CarCam.

Because she got one.

Check it out.  It’s like that taxi cab show where you try to win money.

carTakeaways from this scene:

1.  Maddie was starting to question whether she actually wanted to stay at the ALDC until retirement.  Hollywood is calling, yo.

2.  Mackenzie was stuck all the way in the back and didn’t even have one of those iPads that you can velcro to the back of a headrest and watch Frozen.

3.  Melissa ran a red light.

car runs red light between two carsKidding.  We love Mama Z.  And we didn’t actually see it happen.

Regardless, once Melissa got the cops off her tail and made it to the studio, Abby attempted to start the Pyramid of Shame.  With ‘attempted’ being the key word.

I don’t know.  It all happened so fast I had to rewind a few times.

Abby congratulated Brynn on finally becoming a legit member of the ALDC team.  JoJo hugged her.  Because she’s a hugger.  And things seemed to be going ok so far.

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Until Ashlee opened her mouth and asked how Abby really felt about Moms who didn’t agree with last week’s results and who–

Boom.  Melissa cut her off at the knees.  All you want is drama.  Let’s just do Pyramid.

Ashlee raised her hand and her voice, which is never a good thing.

Duh.  I know what you think.  I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to Abby.

Oh snap.

#HollyFace Number One:  OhLawdHereWeGoAgain.

hThe whole thing escalated so quickly that before you knew it, everyone was yelling and crying and crying and yelling and running and bumping into cameramen who were bumping into each other and chasing Moms around the building like it was Nascar.

Ashlee said my MomCrush Jill was just jealous that Brynn was having a better season than Kendall.  Yeah, she said that.

And it’s true, she said.  Because it was all over #SocialMedia.

Social media?  Really?  Have we learned nothing in 6 seasons?

Kendall cried.  Which made JoJo hug her (…because she’s a hugger, remember…) and made Jill lose her nutty.  Don’t listen to her, honey.  That’s a lie.

She’s a Fool!  She’s a Fool!

giphy-3Yeah.  What he said.

Don’t talk to my kid.  Don’t look at my kid.  All you do is tear down kids.

You tear down kids every day, Jill.  No I don’t.  You tear down kids every day, Ashlee.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.

i_know_you_are_pee_wee_hermanAnd then it happened.

KK yelled at Ashlee.

111Wait.  What?

At first she politely said “No, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t do that…” when Ashlee accused Jill of trash talking Brynn all the time.  But when Ashlee got back in her face, KK lost her noodle and screamed “Why are you so mean?!?!” before taking off out the door, followed by Jill, who was all like…

tumblr_lq038n2QhS1qbnfoaWow.

The Kids are becoming like their Mothers.

Or at least that’s what Holly said.  And Holly’s always right.  And this time the whole scene was so horrifying that Holly made every emoji face in the entire IOS 9 update.

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I love Holly too much.  Smiley Face emojis with hearts for eyes x Infinity.

Next thing you know, everyone was pouring out into the lobby and crying and hiding and getting subtitled behind the door of whatever this bathroom-looking thing is…

doorFind Out Next!:  Shout out to whoever that now-unemployed intern was who decided to lay that Will They Or Won’t They? graphic smack on top of the other subtitles right in the middle of the good part.

d2What the what?  Now I’ll never know what they were saying.

Brynn cried.  And then cried some more.

And then somebody else cried but I only heard them and never saw who it was.

Thankfully, The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia came to Brynn’s rescue like some kind of slo-mo #SLAYwatch lifeguard (…just like her Mama taught her, BTW…) and scurried the poor thing out of the line of fire and into her mother’s waiting arms.

ash3Recycled Analogy:  Once again, it was just like when an airplane is taking off and/or landing and all the babies on board start crying at the same time because their little ears are popping and there’s nothing you can do but hold them until the pilot turns the light off.

Crazy.  Pants.

mbMackenzie even cried, but I forget why.

Side note:  Is it just me or…?  I swear they’re using the same background music they used on the soundtrack for that new Dawn Of Justice movie.  Am I right?

Look at Jill going after Ashlee when she made Kendall cry.
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Dang.  Mrs. Vertes don’t play.

#HollyFace Number 746:

h5We’re supposed to be Role Models.

Once the dust settled and I realized that it had only been NINE minutes since the show started…yes, you heard me…it was clear that the Pyramid was not gonna happen this week unless we were talking a 4 hour episode.

That’s right.  This recap is already half over and there hasn’t even been a commercial break yet.  Clearly, Imma need to trim back on some of the last 50 minutes of this thing.

Using the same psychic skills which allowed her to know how soon that yellow light was going to turn red, Melissa correctly predicted that MackZ, Brynn and Kalani would be performing solos at the competition if anyone actually got any dancing done this week.

Brynn would portray Princess Leia from Star Wars.  Kalani was going to wear Big Girl heels in a Fred Astaire Musical Theater routine.

And Mackadoodle would be channeling Jennifer Lopez, which made me very happy since Jenny From The Block never wore pigtails.

Melissa made a lot of these faces this week.  Something’s up.

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Look at Holly during all this post-drama drama.

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The group routine was going to be a tribute to David Bowie, complete with (…Spoiler Alert!…) this lightening bolt thing on their faces and big, over-sized blazers like you used to see on MTV when it was actually MTV.bowieis2Trust me, kids.  They used to have music on the music channel.  It was trippy

giphy-4And speaking of trippy.

The next day, Abby took Maddie out for some Girl Talk and a non-alcoholic beverage at the same Sal’s Restaurant they went to FIVE years ago when they were just visiting LA.

Flashback Alert:  Pocket Maddie was back!CHpDyxPWEAA43W6Look at her scoping out that martini like it was her first night on the town with a fake ID.

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Where did the time go?

Season One Abby even made a special guest appearance, which was worth the cover charge and two drink minimum all by itself.  Where did the weight go?

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Please tell me that’s not Melissa working the front desk in a beach cover-up.

With one day to go before Sheer Talent, Brynn had skipped school because she wasn’t feeling well, but had made it to rehearsals in the afternoon.  So you know how well that was received by the other Moms.

js2Luckily, Principal Holly came to the rescue and yanked everyone outside to the playground so the cafeteria wouldn’t get trashed during a study hall rumble.

What have we become?

2813cd6cd895ec793e55673a1dc1351dThank Gawd for Holly Frazier.  Voice Of Reason, She Is.

Short Version:  Jill and Kendall returned.  Kendall was wearing a snarky shirt that I enjoyed immensely and which didn’t go unnoticed by Twitter.  Jill cried in her interview whatchamacallit because of everything that Kendall has gone through lately.  And then the ALDC team actually put some ‘Dance’ back into the ALDC and got some rehearsing done.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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And time for Michelle Obama to arrive at the venue.

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I know, right?  She even has a Secret Service guy in sunglasses working the Sheer Talent detail just in case some 6 year old girl tries to bring down the First Lady with a piece of poster board covered in glitter glue.

And look at the dude behind her in the black tank top.

Somebody’s doing West Side Story today.

obama2Gah.  I love this show.

And Holly.  And the other Moms, of course.  #LIFE.  And some more emojis.

As part of her research, Brynn finally watched a couple of Star Wars movies since she wasn’t even born when they first came out.  In 1977.  Before electricity.

leiaWhen I did the math and figured out how much older I am then Brynn, tho.

leia-what-1438796540tumblr_n5dftfPwk71qg4blro2_500Before the show, Abby grabbed JLo-Z by the throat and let everyone know that she was born into the ALDC and that she had residency (…whatever that means…) and then gave her a noogie on the top of her head and squeezed her so tight she blacked out for a moment.  Guilt anyone into sticking around much?

TMZ Update:  Melissa still won’t say what the dealio is after this season.

Mackenzie’s solo was much more grown-up than her usual handstand-in-a-circle thing she usually busts out on stage.  I think this is the Year Of The Growth Spurt.

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Kalani was straight up Broadway Baby.

I see a potential Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak 2.0 in the making.

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I bet Rachelle even subliminally planted something in the brain of every one of those kids back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition that’s going to eventually turn them all into SasRobots unless someone says the Safe Word.

I saved a Smiley Face Heart Eyeball emoji for Rachelle, too.  XO

Brynn was nervous, but she nailed her routine…l3

…even landing on the ground like this a couple times.

a2465a2e0c394136a7f3bc759c11e98aBackstage after the solos…with all the Moms momentarily MIA…the girls were screwing around like plain old girls and having fun and goofing and getting excited for the David Bowie number.

mbw bw

JoJo was so excited she even tooted a little.pepe_baboonbw2bw4
Gross.  But they’re kids, I guess.

The group dance did David Bowie proud.

It was all technicolor and music video-y and made me want to immediately bring back shoulder pads as a must-have fashion accessory. tumblr_o4t0xuBBF51tb8iyko3_500mzbThe Results:

A different West Side Story kid took 3rd Place in the teeny tot solo division, which left room for Mackenzie’s 2nd Place and Brynn’s top spot First Place.  Yaaaaaas, girls!  Yaaaaaas!

Side note:  What’s this kid looking at?

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Yeah, that’s the lady in the beach cover-up.

Now mind your own business.  We’re trying to make a TV show here.

Kalani scored 2nd Place in her age category and the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  Not a bad day at all, if I do say so myself.

And how about that blinged-out iPad?  Holy smokes.  Put that thing down.ipad

Everyone was happy for a brief couple of seconds.  Until Ashlee noted that all the stress leading up to the competition had made her daughter stress out, that is.

Which, as a mother, made her sad.

Which then made all the other mothers try and figure out where do they go from here?

This week was definitely a wakeup call for the Moms.  Some of their drama was leaking onto their kids way more than they originally thought it was the last few months.

And Holly wasn’t liking it.

She was liking her outfit, tho.  Look at her.

Mama knows she’s on point this week, mmmkay?

hlgClearly, they all had some work to do.

Just not right now.

For now, everyone just needed to get back to LA, lick some wounds and regroup for the next round of competition.

And fix this.

Not try to fix it.

Fix it.

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Dance Moms: Ease On Down, Girl! It’s Finally Brynn’s Big Moment…So You Know We’re Not In PA Anymore, Toto.

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2016

b

 

 

OMG. They’re all literally looking at me like nobody’s ever seen anyone with a brain before.

 

 

kh

 

 

Hate to burst your bubble, ladies, but I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone babysitting me.

 

 

cb

 

 

I’m telling you, she either gets outta my face right now or I’m dropping a house on her so hard…

 

 

giphy-2

 

 

 

All you have to do is sickle your lazy feet three times and say ‘Get me the hell back to Pittsburgh.’

 

nia

 

 

 

It totally sucks. But remember when it’s all over…the Lion ends up being King of the Forest, ‘kay?

 

 

oz

 

 

Sorry, Dorothy, but I got nothing in my bag of tricks that can fix this mess. You’re on your own.

 

 

kg1

 

 

I probably shouldn’t have thrown that milk bottle, because now I can’t get the baby to stop crying.

 

 

 

 

Toto?

What the–?

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I don’t think we’re in Pennsylvania anymore.

Actually…61b44114-ef7a-4d9c-a697-65df09334cd6

a4

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Never mind.  I know we’re not.

Because this place is even crazier than Pittsburgh on a good day.

Dat’s rite, Dorothy.  Dance Moms went Over The Rainbow and straight into rush hour traffic this week with an episode full of guest stars, returning favorites and enough Mama Drama to send anyone screaming back to Kansas.

So let’s do this, shall we?

As the team pulled up into the ALDC LA parking lot to start the show, everyone was jumping up and down with excitement to see that new Mom Kira had finally returned to the studio after 3 months of maternity leave.

Everyone except Ashlee, of course, who was more like…

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…but without the cocktail, because it was still early.

After spending the last 12 weeks at home with her ridiculously cute newborn baby boy Jett (…Spoiler Alert:  While Melissa may or may not have been happily keeping an eye on Kalani for free…) Kira was back at the ALDC, despite vowing to never return as long as Ashlee remained on the premises.

But Kira was back.  Because her kid wanted to be there.

Which…FYI…is a line that every Dance Mom is contractually obligated to utter at least once a season, along with “I’m Done!” and “I swear Abby has lost her damn mind.”

True Fact:  I’ve read the fine print.  It’s in there.

Even Abby Lee Miller appeared happy to see Kira arrive as she ran out to greet the new Mom, bearing a gift bag that appeared to be just random giraffe parts shrink-wrapped up the same way Macy’s does their cosmetic sets on the weekend before Mother’s Day.

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Not to be gross, but it looked exactly like a baby giraffe does when it’s born, right before it drops out and the water sac breaks.  Am I right?

Maybe it’s an LA Thing.

Regardless, that kid’s gonna be in his second year of Law School before Kira gets all those stuffed animals untangled.  But it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

So thank you, Miss Abby.  XO

My MomCrush Jill was exceptionally happy to see Kira show up, because if Kira could bully Ashlee a little bit…more power to her.

Side note:  I don’t know what editors Jill pissed off this season, but they aren’t cutting her any slack.  Lawd.  And I know what the haters are gonna say…so please don’t bother.

There’s chatrooms for that kind of stuff, thank you.

I love all the Moms, so let’s keep it fun in here.

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Plus we need to talk about how long Jill’s nails are now, anyway.  No wonder she can’t use an ATM or pick up the phone and answer my stalker calls.

Inside the studio, Abby got right to the Pyramid of Shame.  It was going to be a busy week, so there was no time to waste chit chatting and screaming.

And speaking of Pyramids.  It was backwards.

I know, right?  Stop the Madness.

Abby started at the top.  And the top row was even a 2-fer this week.  I don’t think they’ve ever done that before, have they?  Do we even want to live in a world where nothing makes sense anymore?

The Z-Team, Maddie and Mackenzie, topped the charts.  Maddie’s solo had taken First Place at last week’s competition, so her spot was a given.  And while MackZ was MIA in PA, she had beaten out 200 girls for a scholarship to who knows where.  Scholarships always make me think of Harvard, so I’m going to say that she got a full scholarship to Harvard University’s Gymnastic Program and leave it at that.

Side note:  Macka-Whacka didn’t make this #MackFace until the very last second of the episode, but it’s way too good to waste.  What The What?

mkz If you look real close, her eyeballs are actually on bouncy springs.

The Middle Row of the Pyramid was full of Nia, Kendall, Brynn and Kalani.  Which left JoJo all by herself at the Bottom, because Abby ran out of kids.

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Q.  Is her head shrinking again or are the bows still getting bigger?

This week, the gang was headed to Xpression Dance Competition, where they’d be competing in not one…but TWO…trio performances.

Seven kids.  Two trios.

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Jill did some quick calculations (…in that exact same outfit, BTW…) and realized that one girl was going to be left out of the mix, which led to THE most uncomfortable round of team picking since we had dodgeball tryouts in my 8th grade gym class.

Brynn and Maddie were chosen as captains.  If Brynn’s team won, she would finally get to become a legit member of the ALDC.  If they lost, who knows.

TeamBrynn:  Kalani and Mackenzie.

TeamMaddie:  Kendall and JoJo.

TeamHollyFace:

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And…
h1

And…h2Look at that vein in her neck.

Granted, you can’t protect your child from everything.  We know that.  But that didn’t make it any easier when Nia was left standing all by herself, surrounded by friends she had known for the last 12 years while some newbie transfer from another school came in and apple-picked all her favorite dancers.

Side note:  It all works out in the end, Sasha.  Don’t you worry.  Trust me, all those dumb jocks who didn’t pick me in dodgeball are regretting their decisions now while they’re out there in the cold pumping gas and I’m home in my onesie writing a Dance Moms blog.

6357269629384875472021991232_dodge2 tumblr_mu0s4wSaE21rpz385o1_400I swear that sounded way more motivational in my head.

#TeamNia.  #NiaNation.  #JuniorHighIssues.  #MovingOn.

Luckily, Nia would get to participate in the group dance, tho.  And it was a big production.

As in:  Commercial Production.

Turns out Abby was using a huge chunk of the week’s rehearsal time to create an elaborate Wizard of Oz-themed ‘Web Commercial’ for the ALDC, to help drive business into her new studio.

Which I guess meant that the only benefit she was seeing from those gigantic window banners they installed last week was a reduction in sun glare during the late afternoon.

And then the ‘Web Commercial’ would somehow be stretched into a group dance for the competition this weekend.  Ok.

Don’t Ask Dept.:  No clue what a ‘Web Commercial’ is, unless it’s that thing you skip after 3 seconds when you’re trying to watch a youtube video.  I’m not sure.

You should probably ask a viral video youtube star.

Like…I dunno…Todrick Hall maybe?

Boom.

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Yaaaaas!  That’s rite, ToddBalls!  Todrick Hall was in the hizzle to direct the commercial!

You know Todrick.  Or you should.

There’s only one of him, tho…not four…even tho the world would probably be a happier place if there were.  But he’s only one guy from American Idol and youtube and Target and about a gazillion Disney-related whatevahs.  He’s an amazing video producer and performed with the ALDC on that ‘Freaks Like Me’ song wearing Mickey Mouse hands.

You can even check out my all-time favorite Beauty and The Beat’ right here.

And don’t say I didn’t tell you so way back when.

Trivia Night:  Todrick also likes to wear LA zip codes on his head and do back flips a lot.

So there’s that, I guess.

tumblr_o4gj4xwr1X1tb8iyko1_500The next day, it just got weird.

Abby took Melissa shopping for Wizard of Oz clothes (…wherever one goes to find that kind of thing…) which left the rest of the Moms unchaperoned and ready to chew on each other’s necks.

I don’t even know how it started, but all of the sudden everyone was pig piled on top of each other on the MomBleachers and screaming and swearing and accusing each other of everything but war crimes.

Jill said Kira used Melissa for free babysitting.  Jessalynn said Kira called Melissa a bad person.  Kira defended staying at home so her new baby didn’t starve while some of the Moms may or may not have tried to make her feel like she abandoned Kalani.

Side note:  I love this show.  And I love editing.  The Perfect Storm.

Because this happened.

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And then Jessalynn told Kira she wasn’t the most brightest person in the room.

635770204990473151-1965721270_tumblr_inline_nry1ueH2fM1s2wbut_500She said that.  Not the most brightest.  I loved Jess in her PJs last week.

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And this happened, I think.  I forget.  j1And then this happened.k4And then Kira did this, but it was plastic.giphy-1(1)Which made Holly do this.
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And then this.  Or maybe it was the other way around.h6And then Kira cried and Jess got up and left and was suddenly sitting back down again.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

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Bonus Points:  For Holly when she snarked about Abby being out of the building again.

“Why even show up?  Oh, that’s right.  Because you live here.”

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoa#AndScene.

Thankfully, the next day came around fast and we got some relief with the filming of the ‘Web Commercial.’  And let me tell you that thing went up in the Twister and landed smack down in the middle of CrazyTown so fast I dunno what happened.

While Abby was getting her makeup done…

9b61ca548458f77b36a65baaeb90fbee…the rest of the girls were busy getting into character.

There was a Scarecrow, a Good Witch and a Cowardly Diva Lion.

kn2A sassy Tin Man and fierce Wicked Witch.jkkAnd even Toto, too.

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Which is actually the iconic Mouse Dance and the perfect opportunity to prove my point that…20 years later…we’re still dressing Mackenzie Boo like she’s in her first school play.

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As was expected, Abby tried to take over the production a number of times.  That’s kind of her thing, you know.  And now Todrick knows it.

thLook at Kendall.  Werk It, Witch.
kkThis is totally how I lay on my desk when I finish up all my paperwork early.  Fire me.

wwSup?

31Did I forget to mention the part when Abby went out into the middle of the street during rush hour to stop cars so all these young children could dance in the middle of LA Freeway traffic just to pimp out her studio?  I might have.

Because that totally happened.

But the Moms weren’t having it, no matter how much Abby insisted.  Sometimes, as a parent, you have to draw the line.  Especially when it’s dotted.  And yellow.

And bumper to bumper.

So, yeah.  That didn’t happen.  But we did get to see Abby lose another screw in her head, which was fun.  And the production seemed to go well, even though the whole thing felt more like an auto showroom commercial than a dance studio.

Come on down to the ALDC!  Our prices are INSANE!

carsalesFinally, it was Showtime!

And almost out-of-time because we spent so much time screwing around with funny pictures this week.  But it was worth it, right?

For some reason, the trios were last, so first up we got to witness what was basically a 30 second spot for the ALDC run 4X to fill the time requirements of a group dance.

tumblr_o4gjaidp2e1tb8iyko1_500Ease On Down that Santa Monica Blvd., kiddos.

Both trios went really well…tumblr_mb7dk00c4j1rdutw3o1_400

tumblr_mchh46bEAs1r28h5so1_500 …even tho Maddie fell out of a turn early and now the Apocalypse is upon us.

Look at how cute Brynn is.

b1Always the team player, Nia was there to support the other girls, even though they technically boned her a little bit in the first quarter of the game.

But she’s good like that.   And mature.  And raised right.

And she got to flat iron her hair like a Boss while they were all stressing out.  So #WIN.

nhWhen it was all over, the group somehow managed to slip the price of ALDC tuition into their music about 27 times and then slipped away with First Place.

Even Holly was all like…

h4And then Brynn’s trio beat out Maddie’s trio and now Armageddon is also upon us.

#TURNGATE?  We’ll never know.

So that meant that Brynn finally got her ALDC logo jacket and even got to wear it for a hot minute before Ashlee and Jill and a couple random strangers in the front lobby all started screaming about a set up and a rigged dance competition.

Turns out that the emcee had not only worn a stunning chapeau, but also announced the wrong NUMBERS while awarding the titles to the correct TRIOS.  Still with me?

Don’t worry about it.

Ashlee cried.  Brynn cried.  Jill kept looking at Abby’s phone even though she said the photo of the score sheets on Abby’s phone didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Kendall told Jill that Ashlee said the other Moms were mean to Brynn.  Everything was crazy and everything I just reported may have been out of sequence.

And then Ashlee took off, momentarily leaving Brynn just standing there while Melissa got all like OhHellNah I’m Not Doing Free Babysitting Again.

ml1

Then it was over.

And I’m outta here.

I gotta lay down.  This show wore me out this week.

See ya down the road a bit.

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