Srsly? Another parking ticket? Are you people blind? My freakin’ name’s on the damn sign.
Everybody knows the curlier it gets, the crazier I get. And do you see these ends right now?
Check out this loot! A Walmart truck tipped over on the highway. There was s*** everywhere!
Side Eyes is the new Crazy Eyes, sweetie. I see you and your little crown over there. Yes, I do…
Never understood this Bump-It thing. Is there something in there or does she just puff it up?
Own your words and then explain what happened to all the puppies in these cages.
Gimme Face. Flirty. Like you’re trying to bribe a civil judge. Hypothetically, of course…
Don’t bother packing your ALDC sunglasses.
Trust me. You won’t be needing them. Not this week.
Because…oh, Hunty. The SHADE.
You might need your Dance Moms Library card, tho.
Because, Gurrl…somebody’s ’bout to read you like an overdue book.
And now that I’ve exhausted two of my best Real Housewives of RuPaul references, let’s get the party started, shall we? We’ve got a lot of ground to cover.
The shizzle all hit the DanceFan in the first four seconds of this week’s episode when a proud member of the Pennsylvania Judicial System showed up at the ALDC front desk to serve Abby Lee Miller with papers. Legal papers. Scary legal papers.
Yup. Kelly and Paige‘s big TMZ lawsuit.
The producers tried to blur his face out like they do Melissa‘s mouth when she swears, but you could still tell that the Court Officer looked like one of the little old men they always put into Pixar movies. He probably plays chess in the park when he’s not telling people they’re getting sued. Or ties balloons to his house and flies over the Grand Canyon.
He managed to zig zag his way around a studio full of cameramen and production people all bumping into each other, handed off the paperwork and then told Abby to have a nice day. Which was hilarious, considering the way the rest of her day would actually go now.
Side note: There were a lot of random, panicked behind the scenes people tripping over each other and walking in front of the cameras this week. A lot.
It was like the old Bugs Bunny cartoon when they would all try to put on a song and dance show (…“Night of Nights!”…) but the camera tripods would keep tipping over and spot lights would crash down from the ceiling right before one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick came swinging into a shot.
Like that. But without the talking rabbit or anyone taking an anvil to the head.
Not yet, anyway.
Abby was so distraught after the officer left that she ran out into the parking lot and was met up by all the Moms and their tiny dancers. They couldn’t believe what just went down.
Melissa was all like WhatHappenedWhatHappened? Holly was all like ShutUpNoWay. Jill was all like AwHellNahKelly. (My MomCrush looking on point, BTW.)
And I was all like WhyDoesAbbyNeedHerOwnParkingSpotWithASign?
Side note: You can tell that Holly is one of those people who refuses to make two trips into the house with her groceries, because she was carrying more stuff in the parking lot than she could handle. Purse, water bottle, phone, something under her arm, hot rollers, dance bag, half of Nia‘s junk and who knows what else. Love her.
After some tears and a closer look at Dr. Beyoncé’s new on-trend eye makeup palette, everyone headed inside for the Pyramid of Shame. Everyone except Kira and Kalani, that is, who were late. Yup. Late. On their second week back at the ALDC.
According to my excel spreadsheet (…because I keep track of these kind of things, you know…) it was right about here that Holly began her week of Not Taking Any Crap No Mo’.
Emotions had already been running high this season (…all one episode of it…) thanks to the loss of Christi and Chloe and the residual fall out of a dwindling team. All the Moms were on edge and trying hard to process this new reality while balancing the needs of what was best for their children with the potential move to ALDC LA.
Sticking up for yourself. Sticking up for your child. Standing strong for your beliefs.
Whatever you want to call it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Back inside, K & K showed up. Apparently, they don’t have traffic lights in Arizona.
Kalani always looks so smiley and pretty, even when Holly checked her watch like a Hall Monitor. Once a principal, always a principal, I guess.
Bottom of the Pyramid was a Ziegler Tag Team. Maddie and Mackenzie. I think Mackenzie was down there because her old pouty, kissy-face headshot didn’t match her new gangstah MackZ persona. And it doesn’t really matter where Maddie is on the Pyramid anymore because she danced with Sia.
Which is two more times than you have.
Middle tier was home to Nia and Kendall, with Kalani coming in on top. Clearly, punctuality is not a determining factor in Pyramid placement.
This week the gang was headed to Detroit for the Energy Dance Competition, which was home to former ALDC Dance Mom and (…alleged…) current ALDC Stalker Jeanette Cota and her daughter Ava.
You remember them. Ava was the one who got cut from the new ALDC Team last season and never knew it. The one who got cut and then kept showing up for work like she was some kind of tenured university professor or something.
We liked them. You know how I roll. The crazier the better.
Maddie and Kalani both scored solos. Something that Abby called The Match-Up of the Century. Like it was a pay-per-view Maddie vs. Kalani Cage Fight or something.
Something that the entire world had been waiting for.
Umm. No disrespect intended, because both girls can dance, but I think there are probably a few other things going on in the world right now that might knock their one night only Death Match off the CNN scroll. But whatever, Abby.
It didn’t really matter, because the big deal was going to be a ‘Stomp The Yard’ group dance based on the redoinkulously popular Orange Is The New Black television show. Every one went nuts when they heard the news. Except for Holly, who was saving all her nuts so she could completely lose them all at once later in the episode.
Again, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Up in the MomPerch, Holly was just getting warmed up as she confronted Kira. She nailed Kalani’s Mom on tardiness, on thinking she was more special than she was and for jumping on and off the ALDC Mothership whenever the mood struck her.
One: I live for this new background music that the producers have snuck into these scenes. How much do you think they had to pay Survivor and Days of Our Lives for those little snippets?
And Two: Holly ’bout made me fall back into my pew a few times up there.
Preach, Girl. Just Preach.
The next day, Abby must have heard me, because all the girls were back in the studio to get new head shots before they left for Hollywood.
The short version of the story is that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani got more camera time than the other girls, even though Abby had committed to a strict no-exceptions 15 minute limit for everyone. Melissa brought more clothes for one class picture than two little girls should even own and yet the only thing that really surprised me was that Casa Ziegler doesn’t have color-coordinated hangers from the Container Store.
I don’t know why, but I just imagined Melissa as being the kind of person who has all matchy-matchy hangers at home, so I was really surprised when she showed up with two arm loads of mismatched tops from Goodwill. Where do you even get wire hangers?
Naturally, when it came time for Nia’s shot, Abby left the room and Holly made a HollyFace. Or two. Or a million.
But Nia rocked it. Give that girl some lip gloss and a paper clip and she could break into a bank. You go, Sasha. You just go.
Did I mention that Abby whispered to the Head Shot Lady that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani were the only three that would get jobs in the future? Because she did. And some other Moms heard it. Yikes.
Back in the MomPerch, we learned that Kira creeps other people’s Facebook pages and Melissa got an email from Elle Magazine. Initially, I wasn’t too impressed since I get those subscription emails all the time, until she clarified that they wanted Maddie for a photo spread and article.
Fine. You win. Again.
And then Holly got the most random call from Jeanette. Because if you’re going to stalk people, it’s important that you have all their contact information loaded into your blocked cell phone at all times, right?
Jeanette let Holly know that what Abby did to her daughter was sooooo wrong and that she was coming for her. And then they played some more Days of Our Lives music.
Finally, it was Showtime!
What happened to the ALDC’s matching Louis bags? Remember those? Everyone was walking into Detroit with Forever 21 sacks and whatever else they could find in the house.
And how about Jeanette and that Broadway Dance Academy Welcome Team? And that one girl who didn’t get the memo to wear her Sound of Music/Children of the Corn hair braids? Did you see that?
They were too young to be Stepford Wives, but if they were older they would have totally been Stepford Wives. Not creepy at all.
To stir things up before the show even got started, Jeanette busted right into the ALDC makeup room with a lady that I’m pretty sure was Phoebe from the TV show Friends. Or at least Phoebe’s Mom or older sister. How freaky was that?
There was some screaming back and forth and then Abby called out Phoebe for wearing a top that was longer than the jacket she had chosen as a layering piece, because when you’re going down in a fight you grab for any gun you can find, I guess.
Side note: I didn’t have the heart to tell Abby that Isaac Mizrahi was just on QVC last week saying that longer shirts were so NOW, darling. Really. Am I right?
Since Abby didn’t trust Jeanette’s backstage antics anymore than she trusted her friend’s fashion sense, she followed her ALDC Team into the wings to watch the solos from a new vantage point. All the other dance companies got a little giggly and spent more time watching Abby yell across the stage than they did watching their own team. There were so many people back there. Totally above fire code.
Not gonna lie. I even thought I saw the Bring It! girls for a second and almost lost it.
And where do they get these judges? And why haven’t I been asked to guest judge yet? I swear one of them was from that Toni Braxton show. And the other one had on the same outfit that Prince wore when I saw him in concert.
Ava’s solo was nothing but legs. She is so tall. Holy tall, Batman. Or maybe she just has really long legs. Kira called her a praying mantis, which was kind of mean in a truthfully kind of mean way. But you really shouldn’t pick on kids.
Kalani’s solo kinda sorta reminded me of Brooke‘s old acrobatic routines every once in awhile. Except that Kira’s hands didn’t have third degree hot glue gun burns on them like Kelly’s. These Moms are clearly not making their kid’s costumes anymore.
Quick pause here to mention how much we miss them Hylands. Hey, girls.
Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo that was supposed to be based on Abby’s current situation(s) but it completely went over my head. It was a Maddie dance. And it was good. And she’s really grown up since last season.
Then Jeanette stormed the castle again, but instead of Phoebe from Friends I think she brought that makeup lady Adrien Arpel from HSN.
Or it could have been Gina, the owner of Energy Dance. But she sure looked like Adrien. And honestly, if either of them can really take five years off the wrinkles in my face without a needle, I don’t care how severely blunt their bangs are.
Jeanette accused Abby of harassing her daughter backstage. Blah to the blah to the blah.
But, seriously. Can we talk about that group number? Dang.
Orange is the New Black, yo. It was off the ankle shackle chain.
Granted, you knew Nia would end up with the bantu knots in her hair. But it was better than the Halloween afros Abby used to plop on her head and I got to learn what a bantu knot was called. And when did Nia grow up and get so sassy? Hashtag TeamNia.
Nia wrecked the stage. Like it was Dance Off: The Sequel. Even Maddie toughened up, which was pretty exciting since I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go watching her end every one of her dances in that same glamour shot pose.
Unfortunately, they couldn’t end the whole thing on a high note. When the scores were handed out, Abby felt the competition was rigged and everything fell apart.
Backstage, Abby asked Kendall to walk into the room the same way she would walk into a Hollywood casting call office. Kendall failed the test and then…yeah.
Abby called Jill a Bad Mother. Kendall cried. Nia stood up for all the girls in the room.
And then Holly lost all her stored up nuts. All at once.
I don’t blame her. But I can’t do it justice.
Sometimes you just gotta stand up for what you believe in. Especially if someone sticks their hand in your cave and tries to hurt your babies.
It went down. All the way Down. Town.
Maybe some time in the future when I’m not so emotionally drained we can discuss it in depth. Especially the part where the entire Lifetime production crew ran out of the room like someone had just pulled the fire alarm. They know Holly don’t play.
But not now.
And probably not next week.
I need to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming episode.
Because this is totally happening…