Posts Tagged ‘JoJo Siwa’

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: If It’s Miss Asia Monet Ray Back In Da Hizzle, Then It’s Diva Week Fo’ Shizzle.

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

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All I know is that if Mama doesn’t get served some of that cake pretty soon, every one of those kids is going home.

 

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Pardon me while I unleash a Bucket of Sass all up in your face. You might wanna take notes.

 

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How ’bout Asia’s Mom and those stilettos? Bitch probably doesn’t even own flip flops.

 

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OhMyGod. Asia? This calls for three hair bows AND a glitter headband.

 

 

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Yeah. I’m all set with that one, thank you.

 

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Seriously. What happened to you people while I was in Pittsburgh?

 

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Plus I think I read on TMZ that her Mom bitch slapped JLo or something. I forget. Crap, they’re fierce.

 

 

 

Girl, pleez.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You better pop off those Hello Kitty acrylics and make sure yo’ wiglet is sewn on real tight, because the Battle of the Mini Divas is about to go down.

And while you’re at it, you’re probably also going to need some protective eyewear and a bicycle helmet.  Maybe even a medical waiver.  And definitely something sparkly.

Because this week was Diva Week on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

And Miss Asia Monet Ray was back in the hizzle to spell it out for you.  

D-I-V-A.  All in caps.  In glitter glue.

With only five tiny dancers remaining, the coffee pot was really starting to percolate now and both the Moms and the kids were feeling the pressure as they filed in for this week’s mini challenge.  Especially when they came face to face with Abby Lee Miller and her pink boa.

Because any time you pull out the pink boa, you’re pulling out the Big Guns.

The theme:  Divas.  Sassy ones.

The skill:  Performance.  Because that’s what Diva’s do.  Duh.

The challenge:  Diva Dance-Off.  Oh, yeah.  It is SO on.

The number of times that Rachelle Rak will probably stand up and chew on some produce during the judging portion of this week’s extravaganza:  I can’t count that high without a calculator.  And I still can’t believe she can trademark ‘Apple Bite.’

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As soon as the kids heard the word ‘Diva’ they got all excited.  Because kids love being all sassy and stuff.  Especially Honey Bow Bow JoJo, who was clearly bred in some underground laboratory solely for the purpose of wearing reflective hair ribbon and being fierce on the playground.  This was gonna be her week.  That’s what she said.

(Spoiler Alert:  More than you know, honey.  More than you know.)

The winner of this week’s Dance-Off Challenge would get to choose their dance routine and then hand off the next choice to the next dancer…and so on and so on down the line.

Like a Diva Chain.  Which set me up with so many jokes in my head that I can’t remember any of them right now, except for the dirty ones.

With a flip of her Big Gun boa, Abby announced that they would be dancing off against the Ultimate Diva.  The Diva’s Diva.  The Diva of all Divas.  The biggest Diva in the history of Divadom.  Wait for it…

Divas to the Dancefloor Drumroll, please.

Asia Monet Ray!  Come on down and show these little wannabes how you do, mmmkay?

Boom.  Boom.  Front flip.  Pow.

Last season’s booty poppin’ breakout star (…and recent Dance Moms SassyPants…) was back to get the party started.  And she had taken down her signature pumpkin donut hair bun on the way to the studio, so you knew she meant business.

Asia don’t play when she loses her bun.  I whip my hair, bitch.

One by one Asia faced off against the girls until only Kalani and McKaylee remained standing.  When the Diva Dust finally settled, Kalani threw enough glitter and shade to win the contest and the other girls took their place on the Diva Chain.

Side note:  Kalani’s Mom Kira kept the whole Fake Kristie Ray thing pretty low key during this week’s challenge, most likely because she knew the real Kristie was backstage somewhere getting ready to flap those hoop earrings around if anyone tried stealing her identity on national television.  You don’t mess with JLo’s shiz.  You just don’t.

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Isn’t that right, Yvette?

After coming to the realization that our public school systems don’t even teach history anymore (…Marie Antoinette who?  Cleopatra who?…) the dances were assigned and everyone headed off to rehearse and Google ‘Name Some Famous Divas from History’ on their pink iPads.

Seriously.  Do they still make encyclopedias?  There’s a cigar bar in the financial district that I swear used to be a library.

Kalani had played it safe and given herself a sassy jazz Movie Star routine during the Diva Chain, choreographed by the guy I mistook for a Harlem Globetrotter in a previous episode.  As Victor Rojas tried to bring out her inner Sasha Fierce, Abby strolled in and voiced her disappointment in Kalani not challenging herself with something more acrobatic.

Kalani squirmed a little.  Kira sat on her hands and tried really hard to not to go to her Kristie Ray dark place.  And then Victor shot a three pointer.   I have no idea who this guy really is.

For some reason that nobody could seem to fathom, JoJo had not only chosen a hip hop routine (…which she imploded on last time…) but also chose Trinity as her duet partner.  So basically she had set herself up with a style of dance that she was not comfortable performing and then picked the girl who had out danced her in a previous routine.

I think Mom is tying her bows too tight.

As choreographer Q Pittman balanced a tiny yellow beanie on his head and tried to figure out how to turn two young girls into Down N Dirty Divas without getting NBC’s  Dateline cameras involved, he somehow KaBoomCha KaPowie Booyeah’d the routine into a krunk-worthy piece of KaChowza PowZizzle.

I swear Dance and Cheer people talk in Klingon just to mess with my head.

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Down the hall, Giaaaaanna had finally figured out who Marie Antoinette was in the big scheme of things and was now working on a Let Them Eat Cake routine, choreographed by Joyce Chittick.  I’m sure she knows her stuff, but Joyce has the same haircut as everyone who works at the Chico’s in my mall and I prefer my choreographers to have edgier coiffures.  But maybe that’s just me.

The coolest part about Giaaaaanna’s dance was that she got to flap a Cee Lo Green fat lady in church fan and use a real Betty Crocker cake as a prop.  Shut.  Up.

I know, right?  Eating AND dancing?  All the time?  At the same time?  Add free internet and that’s pretty much what Heaven must look like.

Giaaaaanna’s Mom Cindy was still holding onto that grudge over JoJo being in the competition for another week and was once again slouched back in her comfy chair like she was back home cleaning out all the old General Hospitals from the DVR.  You know she bawled like a baby during Luke and Laura‘s wedding.  You just know she did.

Plus, she’s from Philly.  L-O-V-E.

Due to an apparent rip in the space-time continuum, Victor Rojas was also in another room choreographing McKaylee‘s Queen Of The Nile routine at the same time.  Now I’m not sure If I remember this guy from the Harlem Globetrotters or Star Trek.

Mom Shari was all bug eyed and stressed out again about the dance, because they were from Nebraska.  And in Nebraska they only raise cows and corn.  And sometimes sheep.

But not Divas.  So this one was gonna be a challenge.

I’m thinking that Mom might also want to double-check that theory with Shania Twain to confirm whether or not country girls can actually be Divas, if you know what I mean.

Man, I Feel Like A Woman.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Asia and Kristie Ray time!

Did you see them in the audience?  When they waved at me?  Because that’s totally what they did, you know.  Because JLo and I are tight.

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Hey, Girlfriend!

Did you also see little mini-Asia Bella next to Mom?  Not many people know that Kristie and her husband (…who could bench press me with one hand while shaking up a GNC protein drink with the other, by the way…) are secretly creating an entire society of fierce little Miss Thangs as part of their long term goal of World Diva Domination.

It’s true.  She told me.  Because we’re tight.

Let’s Go!

My boy Kevin Manno was rocking yet another skinny suit and pointing around the stage like a traffic cop.  I keep telling you…Adam Levine better watch his skinny legs and back, because the Kevlar knows how to work the slim fit, too.

Richy Jackson was in another signature comic book vest and an armful of plastic watches.  His hair grows awfully fast, if I do say so myself, because I swear he has a different crop circle pattern on his head every week.

Miss Grown-Up SassyPants Rachelle was already werkin’ the judges’ desk like a theater prop before Kevin even finished the intros.  She was also basically wearing underwear and a vest, disguised by a bazillion silver studs.

Live It.  Want It.  Own It.  Bump-It.

Speaking of.  Giaaaaanna was up first with some major lift in her hair as she flapped her fan around and ended up cramming a fist full of cake straight into her face like she had just gotten out of a woman’s prison.  It was pretty hot.  And sloppy.  D-I-V-A.

Rachelle and Richy L-O-V-E’d it.  Abby, not so much.  Something about her shoes not matching her leg color and the prop guys not using the tasty frosting that Abby specifically requested from Cheesecake Factory.

Then it was down the Nile with McKaylee’s Cleopatra routine.  Two tear-away costume changes and a two finger wave from Richy and she was clearly safe for the week.

Of course, Rachelle stood up and showed McKayKay how the Egyptians used to werk a vanity mirror before Richy shoved her back in her seat again.  It’s called ‘Sass.’

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Can you even imagine sitting next to Rachelle on an airplane?  I mean, really?

Kalani’s Movie Star dance was ok, but her DivaFace was more DisneyFace for a good portion of the routine.  And then Rachelle stood up again.

But Trinity and JoJo’s hip hop routine was when it really got good.

Clearly blinded by the dust that Trinity was kicking up as she hit each move wicked hahhhd, JoJo didn’t stand much of a chance against her partner.  Maybe it was the can of Lady Gaga soda wrapped in her bangs that was slowing her down.  I told her to stick with juice boxes, but she never listens.

As soon as they finished the dance, Rachelle was on her feet, channeling every Diva on the DVD box set.  She was testifying like Whitney.  She was spinning around like Patti LaBelle.  She was giving us Celine Realness.

That crazy bitch even threw her white fur coat across the room at Trinity like it was Holy Water.  Like some shot putter at the Drag Queen Olympics or something.

I don’t know if she was trying to knock JoJo down or what…but it was a true D-I-V-A moment.  And a middle finger to PETA.

Once Kristie Ray’s husband finally rushed the stage and restrained Rachelle with a few of those buckle straps that nobody can chew through, it was down to eliminations.

Kalani and JoJo ended up in the Bottom Two.  No real surprises.

In the end, JoJo was sent away to pack up all her hair bows and hit the road.

It was not her day.  She cried.  Everyone cried.

Good luck to JoJo.  And good luck to Rachelle trying to get her coat back from Trinity.

And then there were four.

Diva Week was over.  Go home, please.  Nothing to see here.

Miss Asia has left the building.

Everybody wave buh bye now.

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Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Your Worst Nightmare. Vampires, Sickle Feet And Moody Teenage Girls.

Wednesday, October 30th, 2013

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That’s right, kids. You can count all the Krazy Moms on just one hand now.

 

 

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That Philly Mom be hatin’ all up on me. I got your big hoagie right here, lady.

 

 

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Do you seriously not see me putting on muh face right now? Back it up. Just. Back. It. Up.

 

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And then she tried to go all ‘Girlfriend’ up on me like some gangstah bake sale bitch at the mall.

 

 

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Srsly? And they think I’m insane?

 

 

 

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All I wanted was a birthday party, the new iPhone and a pony. Who ordered all the clowns?

 

 

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Imma ’bout ready to snatch me an iPad and some weave if Flashdance don’t stop playing that damn Candy Crush.

 

 

 

Nightmares.

We’ve all had them.

Things hiding in closets.  Things that go bump in the night.  Things that lurk in the shadows and touch your face while you sleep.  Yoga pants and Ugg boots.

Creepy stuff, for sure.

But if we’re talking true gothic horror…try being trapped in a room with five Dance Moms and five tweeny bop girls for an hour.

Then we’ll see who wets the bed.

It was Nightmare Week on Abby’s Ultimate Dace Competition, which I guess was somehow different than every other week in AUDC Land.  I wasn’t sure how they were going to differentiate this one from any other episode since I’m a little spooked every Tuesday night, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt.

And this week was legit Scary Spice.

After shipping PowerTwin #2 back to the Atwood Double T Ranch at the end of last week’s country jamboree, it was down to the Final Five dancers.

All girls.  All giggly.  And all hovering at just above or below that terrifying teen age benchmark where all that matters in life is picking up the pieces from the devastation of the Jonas Brothers break-up.

I was scared just watching them file in for the latest challenge.

This week it was Abby Lee Miller‘s favorite skill set.  And she couldn’t wait to get the party started.  So let’s do this thing.

The theme:  Nightmares.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

The skill:  Technique.  And don’t screw it up, kids.

The challenge:  Ballet.

The chance that Rachelle Rak would stand up during the judging portion of the show:  100% times a billion sassy apple bites.  Don’t you worry.  It’ll happen.

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Right away, McKaylee‘s Mom Shari got all excited about the ballet challenge because she had been running a ballet studio back home for what sounded like 50 years, thus guaranteeing that McKayKay was going to sail through this week’s obstacle course.

Last week Shari also got herself all wound up about the Country Western theme because she claimed to be running a dairy farm out of the family barn, so I guess that if you need to work on your grands ronde de jambes or pick up a quart of 2%…Shari is your gal.

The Filly from Philly was also pretty excited about this week, but for different reasons.

Giaaaaanna‘s Mom Cindy figured that her arch nemesis Jessalynn and tiny sugar squirt JoJo would finally be headed home soon now that Honey Bow Bow was up against the Big Dawgs.  That and the fact that JoJo should be running out of hair accessories soon, which clearly disguise the power source for the little dancing machine.

Cindy’s from Philly, you know.  Love.  Her.

The winner of this week’s challenge would get to pick which two dancers would perform in a duet, while everyone else would be handed out solos.  Mind Games!

I mean…do you carry the entire weight of a solo dance on your shoulders in front of the judges, or put yourself at risk of your duet partner totally f***ing up a twosome?  And how do we live in a world with no more Jo Bros?  I just can’t right now.

Lesley Bandy was back to lead the girls in another little Nutcracker number.  I still haven’t bothered to Google Ms. Bandy and get the dirt, but she came running in like Peter Pan’s mother and that’s really all that mattered this time.  I bet she gets her hair cut every week and smells like Chanel No. 5.

With only five little dancers left, the ballet challenge was over before it even began.

JoJo was cut first.  Again.

Why that girl doesn’t just start the challenges already sitting down with her Mom is beyond me.  It would save us a lot of time.

McKaylee won the challenge, so I guess all that ballet and extra calcium paid off.

You go, little cowgirl.

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She and Mom and Mom’s crazy eyes assigned the duet to JoJo and Kalani, and JoJo’s Mom was not happy at all.  Something about throwing them under the bus.

Turns out that Jessalynn and Shari have known each other since Shari’s cows were just calves and this whole competition was clearly putting a strain on their friendship.

Spoiler Alert:  They should fight it out, right?

Bur first…rehearsals.

JoJo and Kalani’s Vampire Attack duet was looking a little clunky at first as frustrated choreographer Tessandra Chavez tried to deal with not only glaringly different levels of dance expertise but also whatever was going on with her own bangs.  You might wanna walk away from the scissors before somebody gets hurt, ma’am.

Fake Kristie Ray Mom Kira pointed out that her girl Kalani was clearly the better technical dancer as JoJo tried to gracefully hoist herself up onto a Jekyll and Hyde park bench without tipping the whole thing over and crushing her partner.

Down the hall, choreographer Matt Cady was  giving Giaaaaanna some Zombie Dreams behind a rolling headstone as Cindy slouched all over her Mom Chair like the cushions were greased with Philly cheese.  Love me some Cindy, but she has the worst posture I’ve ever seen.  She’s lucky Lesley Brandy doesn’t come in there and slap her right back into yesterday.

Fercryinoutloud.  Sit up straight, woman.  You’re on the television.

When she gave herself a solo during the challenge, I’m betting that McKaylee had no idea she would end up swinging from Lesley’s Peter Pan wire in Shannon Beach‘s Bird of Prey routine or she would have sent JoJo up into those rafters instead.  I don’t know how thin the air was up in the ceiling tiles, but it must have been pretty heavy down on the ground because Mom Shari was hyperventilating herself into unconsciousness the first time they yanked her daughter off the floor.

Mom was a nervous wreck.  But honestly, even if the wire was mysteriously cut by one of her competitors during the performance and McKaylee plummeted to Earth, all those dairy cows probably gave her strong enough bones to survive the crash.  Chillax.

The last solo of the week, entitled Possession, belonged to Trinity and her sickled feet.  It was basically the never-before-seen Linda Blair dance routine that was cut from the original Exorcist movie.  I think it’s still on the special dvd boxed set if you can find it, but most people have never seen the number.

Since Trinity had spent most of her life doing gymnastics on a 2×4 wooden Home Depot beam, she’d been trained to sickle her Spider-Man feet to hold on for dear life.

But now she had to unlearn that technique.  Fast.

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Spoiler Alert #2:  Good luck with that.

While the kids all worked on their scary dreams, another nightmare was unfolding down in the Craft Room as the Moms started hot glueing and coming unglued at the same time.

Cindy started in again about what a pain in the a** 9 year old JoJo was (…nice talk by the way…) as Shari just sat back and let it all go down.  No defense of her BFF Jessalynn’s daughter at all.  Nuthin, I tell you.

Needless to say, Mama Jess wasn’t having it and got all up in Shari’s face, who volleyed the ball right back at her with a fabulously awkward ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend?’ and some crazy heated PTA meeting arm work.

Hold up.

Can we just all agree right here that white suburban mall walker moms should never try to get all ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend?’ on their white suburban mall walker mom friends?

Like, never?

Unless it’s something like ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend? I was really feeling the burn going around that last turn by Cinnabon.  You wanna split one and then go to Kohl’s?’

Because otherwise, it just doesn’t work.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s HIGHlarious.  But it doesn’t work.  There’s probably a reason that VH1 hasn’t called you for an audition, Shari.

And what was up with that cardboard cut-out family that Jessalynn had on her makeup table?  Please tell me you saw it.

It was like those paper doll cut-outs you bring on your first school vacation to hold up in front of every famous landmark when someone takes a photograph so the person who was home sick doesn’t feel like they missed out on the trip of a lifetime.

Here’s Daddy at the Pyramids of Egypt.  And the Penguin Room at the Aquarium.

Smile and say ‘GuessWhatGirlfriend?’  Click.  Instagram.

Finally it was Showtime!

Backstage, Trinity showed us what two days before turning 13 looks like.  And it was everything you remembered.  And then some.

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Gah.  Duh.  Mom.  You’re soooooo annoying.  Are you like blind?  I’m trying to put on my makeup.  Go talk to your old friends and leave me alone until I move out of the house.

OMG.  LOL.  My Mom is so totz lame.  And it’s my Birthday.  Send.

At the judging table, Richy Jackson was rocking yet another sleeveless monogrammed shirt and a half dozen plastic watches.  Rachelle was revving her sassy engine, clearly waiting for just the right moment to hit the ejector button and fly out of her seat.

Wait for it, America.  Wait for it…

Abby was fairly low key, considering all the sloppy technique she had witnessed during rehearsals.  She was just ready to see some dancing.

Somehow Trinity’s demon child ended up with a Frankenstein face.  Not sure what happened there, but it didn’t stop her from jumping up and down and over and under her possessed bed like she was at the 2014 Purgatory Olympics.  Winner gets a gold medal and a lifetime of curled toes in the flames of Hell.

Abby was not that impressed, but Team R&R enjoyed it quite a bit.

McKaylee’s dive bombing bird dance was good stuff.  She swooped and flew around like she’d been doing it all her life back on the Cirque du Soleil farm.  No wonder they never have problems with crows in the cornfields of Nebraska.

Richy even gave her two fingers and a Poodle Shake, which initially alarmed me when I thought he said Noodle Shake in front of the kids.  But false alarm.  They were just pink Payless Poodle slippers that he flung onto the table for all the world to see.  Happy Dance!

JoJo and Kalani’s vampire dance?  JoJo looked like she had ketchup and Kool-Aid juice box drool all over her face and Abby said the whole thing just made her eyes bleed.  

We’ll leave it at that and move along.

Last but not least was Giaaaaanna and her graveyard smash.  And it was.

Part Bob Fosse, part Tim Burton, Cindy’s kid just wrecked the stage.  In a good way.

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Richy flipped her off and Rachelle jumped to her feet to unleash a 1, 2, 3 and an Apple Bite.  Which is trademarked when she tweets it.  No lie.

Can you actually trademark an Apple Bite?  And what makes an Apple Bite different than a Beyoncé Head?  Or getting rear ended in traffic?

Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

When it came down to the chopping block, my girl Trinity was cut.  And she lost her poodle noodle right there on stage.  It was so sad, not only because she’s one of my favorites, but because she did that hiccup cry that tells you she was really having a meltdown.

Poor little nugget.  She needed a hug.  And a paper bag to breath into.

Luckily, before she completely blacked out and her braces rusted shut, Rachelle came to the rescue and whipped out her Big C.

The Call Back Card!

Pandemonium ensued.

Kids screamed.  Kids cried.  Cindy was all like WTF?  Another pass for JoJo?  Rachelle even got to perform a little more as she handed over the CCard like it was the Nobel Prize for Sickle Toeing or something.  I think they even played the them from the Lion King in the background.  It was a moment.

Then the moment was over.  And there were still five.

OMG.  Best.  Birthday.  Ever.

Until next week.  When this totally happens…

Dat’s rite.

Hold onto your big a** bows and trademarked Sass t-shirts.

Asia‘s in the hizzle, bitches.

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Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was A Downtown Hoedown And Wild West Showdown. Let The Cow Pie Fly.

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

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Girrrl, pleez. I got some friends in low places, but I never seen dancing that ratchet. MmmMmm.

 

 

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And then Rachelle stood up in those booty shorts. Thank you Lawd that it’s already 5 o’clock somewhere. Hit me.

 

 

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The Devil went down to Pittsburgh and she was lookin’ for a soul to steal. She was in a bind. With a big behind. Willing to make a deal.

 

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Who’s sorry now? I’m talking to you there, cheese steak.

 

 

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OhHellNo, Blondie. You did NOT just call me a little bit country and a little bit hoagie roll.

 

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Srsly. How old are these songs? Hasn’t anyone ever heard of Justin Bieber?

 

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Bitch, pleez. When you look this good, ain’t nuthin left to do but save a horse and ride a cowboy.

 

 

 

Giddy Up, ya’ll.

Saddle up your horses and muffle your Mamas, because it’s a Wild West Showdown at the AUDC corral.

This week Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition did the Mash.  The Nashville Mash.

And it was a country smash.

After last week’s patriotic flag fest, the switch to a country western theme was a pretty smooth transition.  Not only did it give the gang one more week to burn off any leftover red, white & blue sparkly stuff that may have been laying around the wardrobe room, but it also made for a pretty sneaky segue right into Lifetime’s new Nashville show if you weren’t paying attention.

I mean, one minute Abby Lee Miller was driving a kid outta Dodge and the next thing you knew we were all watching open auditions for Hillbilly Idol.

How did that even happen?  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

But let’s start at the beginning.

The theme:  Country Western.  Hee to the Haw.

The skill:  Jumps.  Bigguns.  And lots of ‘em, cowboy.

The chance of seeing Richy Jackson in something fabulously outrageous:  100%.

As the 6 remaining dancers rolled in (…7 if you count The Return Of The JoJo Bow…) they were all greeted by Abby and her red bandana.

Yup.  Ms. Miller done gone and went country.  I think.

It was actually more of an odd cross between that Rosie the Riveter “We Can Do It” lady and a Costco-sized bottle of Aunt Jemima maple syrup.

You have to be kinda careful how you work a red bandana nowadays.  You just do.  But at least it wasn’t Village People western leather chaps with butt cut-outs.  So there’s that.

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After getting clarification on this week’s theme, some of the Moms got pretty excited for a heapin’ helpin’ of country choreography.

McKaylee‘s Mom Shari seemed to be especially over stimulated at the prospect of a hoedown because they had a real live barn in their backyard at home.  Like the kind they have on CMT.  Which she swore would totally give them at least one hind leg up on the competition in the Twerkin’ and Twangin’ and Tuggin’ on Cow Teats category.

Shari has some big eyes.

The mini challenge this week was going to allow the Winning Mom the opportunity to save one person from the ominous Bottom Three on Competition Day, as well as give all the other Moms a chance to kiss butt like it was their day job.  Let the games begin.

Since she was already countryfied in her red bandana and gang tagged graffiti logo tee, Abby was going to stick around and choreograph the mini challenge.  For realz.

Jesus take the wheel if I get to see Abby Lee Miller jump in the air.

Just take it.  And then back it up over me, because I’ll be dead already.

After sending the kids off to grab the cowboy hats she forgot backstage, Abby showed them all how it’s done down on the farm.  On whatever farm it is where you get two national television shows about dancing and never have to actually dance on national television.  Ever.

That farm.

But more power to her.  It must be some kind of dancing telepathy or something, because the kids all figured out exactly what to do even though Abby just wobbled around a little like those inflatable whacky waving hand balloons you see down at the Music City car dealership.  Come on down!  Our prices are insane!

Some of the kids embraced their inner redneck.  Some didn’t.

JoJo, have a seat, please.  You know where it is by now.

Poor Giaaaaanna needs to either start dancing within an invisible electric dog fence or get GPS attached to her ankle, because that girl is eventually going to wander off stage and never be heard from again.  I lost count of how many times Abby screamed at her for not being in the same zip code as the rest of the dancers.

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After weeding out the weak like you do before a cattle auction begins, Abby ended up with Travis, Trinity and Kalani all standing around looking at each other in straw hats.

Time for a Jump Off!

(I’m not even gonna tell you what I thought she said.  And with the kids in the room.)

Trinity knocked out a ceiling tile and ended up winning her umpteenth challenge, which meant that Mom Tina was going to end up in therapy again for bashing yet another child’s hopes and dreams.  Just the thought of having to leave two tiny dancers hanging on for dear life by the end of the episode made a little more crazy leak out of Tina’s head.

She makes me smile.

JoJo and Trinity were paired up in an American Spirit duet choreographed by Tarua Hall, which gave them both a chance to whip each other with those annoying ribbons that have been used during every Macy’s Parade and Olympic Opening Ceremony since 776 BC.

It also gave JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn the chance to kiss up to Tina like she was sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch.  You go, Girl.  Pull out the big guns.

Side note:  I don’t know if they film this show out of sequence or all in one day or what’s going on.  Dunno.  But Tarua has been wearing the same thing for 8 weeks.  I don’t know if we’re being scammed by Lifetime or if Miss T just likes that fur collar.

But it doesn’t really matter, because she is a hoot and will f*** you up if you can’t stay on the 8 count.  You don’t want her to take off her glasses, honey.  No you don’t.

Next door, Kalani and her coin operated riding bull saddle contraption were working up a sweat, Rhinestone Cowgirl solo style.  Well, shoooot.  Can we just agree this little bitch got Fierce since last week?  So Fierce that choreographer Matt Cady was hiding behind Mom Kira on the couch.  Werk.

Giaaaaanna also scored a solo and was back with Tarua and her fur collar to learn how to be Nashville’s Sweetheart.  I don’t really know what happened during that rehearsal because I was too busy watching Mom Cindy spread out in her comfy chair like a Boss.

She’s from Philly, you know.

Last but not least, there was a Wild West Showdown going down crosstown with Travis and McKaylee, courtesy of choreographer Victor Rojas.

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I’m dying to say something about his retro star spangled satin warm-up jacket and how I totally remember him from when the Harlem Globetrotters crash landed on Gilligan’s Island, but Victor danced with Janet Jackson and I really need an in with her…so he gets a pass this time.

Victor, I salute you.  And that snappy track suit with the pockets big enough to carry eight-track cartridges down to the discotheque.  Keeping It Real and Staying Alive, dude.

Back in the Hot Glue Room, the Moms were Blinging and BeDazzling when Jessalynn asked Cindy why she felt the need to always talk shizzle about her daughter Honey Bow Bow.  She asked her that.  Right there.

OhNoSheDin’t.  YesSheDid.

On an aside, Cindy told us that she didn’t say anything that she wouldn’t say right to a Mom’s face.  Or in line at Walmart when your card gets declined.  Or in the parking lot at Walmart when you ding her car with your cart full of bulk snacks.  Or in the restroom at IHOP.  Or in the middle of a funeral if you’re taking too long in line.

She’s from…well, you know by now.

The whole confrontation exploded into a bunch of (bleeped) out Mob Wives mouth pixelation (…they must share the same Dance Moms Bleeper Blur Guy who has to follow Jill Vertes around all day…) and then ended with Cindy trying to imitate JoJo’s sassiness, which awkwardly looked more like the shakes you get when your blood sugar drops too fast than any actual booty popping.

Sit down, Philly.  Have some apple juice before you black out.

When it was all over, it was no Kristie Ray vs. Yvette Watts.  But it was fun to watch, which Kira and Sheryl did from the other side of the table while everyone else multitasked their aggression.

OhHellNo.  I’m not getting Crazy Glue on my acrylics.  Not happening.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Casual Friday, I guess.

My boy Kevin Manno had ditched his signature skinny suit and opted for some country cool this week.  A vest and string tie and a pair of those high heeled boy boots that you shouldn’t wear unless you’re on Dancing With The Stars.  The ones that are half cowboy and half not cowboy.

Those.

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Abby had a Halloween sheriff’s badge pinned to her junk and Rachelle Rak seemed to be fairly low key for someone who’s middle name is ‘Sas.’

(Spoiler Alert:  I was wrong on that one.)

Richy was oozing Pink Flamingo Realness and iParty Straw Hat Couture and totally deserved an abundance of glam photos in this week’s recap.  When I finally go Vegas Showgirl hunting in the woods of Nashville, you know I’m hitting him up for some camo so I blend in with my surroundings.

Backstage, Jessalynn got all Mean Girls In The Bathroom with JoJo as they both discussed how to dispose of Cindy’s body behind the building after the competition, speaking just loud enough to assure that Giaaaaanna and her Mom could hear every word.

Psych.  Mind Games.

Trinity and JoJo’s ribbon dance went pretty well until the end.  Trinity clearly smoked JoJo in the routine with her Asia Monet Ray Face and dominatrix ribbon snaps.  At least until JoJo’s ribbon got tangled up with hers at the every end of the dance.

Or did it?  It’s a question that may never be answered.

Sheriff Abby told JoJo that ‘cute’ was over and had left the building.  It was time to dance from the neck down.

Backstage, if Cindy could have mustered the willpower to stand up, I’m certain she would have done The Wave like they do at football games.

Cindy’s my name.  Couch Slouchin’s my game.  Go Philly.

JoJo cried when she got off stage.  That made me sad.  In doses slightly smaller than her hair bows, I don’t mind the little spark plug.  She’s still growing on me.  Kinda.

Kalani hit the stage and rode her age-inappropriate saddle gear like some kind of schoolgirl Beyoncé as she whipped her lasso and hair around like one of those hotel pay-per-views.  Dang, Girl.

Richy stood up and gave her the finger.  And then Rachelle stood up and I realized that I was wrong about her subdued ensemble.  So wrong.

More like a fringed bra and booty shorts with some other patriotic stuff happening down there under the table at the kuntry stoe.  The Rak wished that she had worn a hair clip just so she could rip it out and get her freak on right there in front of everyone.

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PS.  Today’s outfit brought to you by the fine folks down at Boom Boom & Pow.  With 20 locations in the metro area, there’s sure to be one by you.  And if not, just wear your daughter’s shorts after she leaves for school.

Work it.  Want it.  Own it.  And then wash it, please.

Srsly.  Rachelle is so full  of Rachelle that you can’t help but love her.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Rachelle’s soul suddenly jumped into Richy’s body through his wide open mouth and he popped up out of his seat, threw himself upside down on the desk like one of those music videos they only show after 11pm and almost made Abbby have a cigarette.

Next up, Travis and McKaylee did their dueling gun fight down at the saloon.

McKaylee was too tall and Travis looked like that Toy Story cowboy who always fell down every time a real human being walked into the room.

There was some discussion amongst the judges as to whether Woody should have jumped higher than McKaylee since he was a real boy now, but we never got the final call on that one.

To finish us off, Giaaaaanna sat on a front porch rocking chair and picked at a guitar while Pa whittled something out of a stick until some city slicker got too close to the farm and then she catapulted herself into the air and went for her shotgun.  Her dance was really not that bad, but she wore those ace bandage-y cheat feet shoes that didn’t match her skin tone and it was all downhill to the mud bog from there.

When it was all said and done for the week, JoJo, Travis and Gianna were in the Bottom Three.  Tina had a minor aneurysm and then saved Giaaaaanna from elimination.

Jessalynn gave what was probably the best Side Eye glance in the history of all Reality TV and then Travis got sent home to merge with his Power Twin Tyler in the hopes of regaining his weakening strength.

So basically, not only does Tina now need more therapy after this week’s competition, but she also has to sleep with the light on.  I wouldn’t want to be on Jessalynn’s bad side.  Would you?  Imagine waking up with JoJo staring down at you.

As Travis and Sheryl headed out of Dodge, the remaining cowgirls all headed to the AUDC saloon for some juice boxes and straight bourbon.

And then there were five.

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