Posts Tagged ‘JoJo Siwa’

Dance Moms: Attention Shoppers. The ALDC Team Is Once Again Available In Toddler Sizes. The Minis Are Here.

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016

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Lawd, just gimme the strength to keep my hair on point with all of these screaming babies.

 

 

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So if that’s not the real Justin Bieber teaching our kids Hip Hop, Imma need to update Instagram.

 

 

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No. I’m serious. I will literally stab myself with this curling iron if she wears pigtails again.

 

 

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Why do we have to park out back by the dumpster? That meter has been empty for 3 weeks.

 

 

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Mama’s got her sensible shoes on today, so if you all wanna run back to PA we can do this.

 

 

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I specifically gave her a Toddlers & Tiaras name, but then TLC cancelled the show. So here we are, Lifetime.

 

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These chicks are straight up crazy. Just gimme my trophy so I can get back to Foot Locker.

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

It’s always the quiet ones.

And the little ones.  Definitely the little ones.

Those are the ones you really gotta look out for.  Just ask anyone at the ALDCLA.

And they’d know, because after weeks of build-up it was the Invasion Of The Minis.

In an effort to extend the shelf life of her brand…and since there is still no Time Machine invented that will allow us to go back and relive these Dance Moms memories again…

originalAbby Lee Miller had begun the search for the next generation of bite-sized wannabes to carry on her ALDC Legacy.  Pittsburgh 2.0, as it were.

Side note:  Look at those little niblets sitting on the floor right there.  They’re like 2 years old.  Where did the time go?  And where did Brooke and Paige and Chloe and Vivi go?

Gimme a moment.
oprah-cryingAs everyone lined up for the Pyramid of Shame in their new sparkly LA workout gear, Abby announced the impending arrival of the MiniSquad.

Hand-picked at a recent cattle call audition (…that for some reason required two bowls of munchies that were off limits to that other guy there…) the new crop of dancers would be training at the studio, but not competing at this time.  And since none of them were old enough to drive yet, they would most likely be accompanied by their mothers.

twoDance Moms Math:  More Moms = More Drama.  Just throwing that out there.

Holly Math:  Junior Team + MiniSquad + TMZ + Only 24 Hours In A Day = Trouble.

We heart Holly.  She has a PhD, you know.  Not in Math.  I forget what it is, but I know it’s not Math.  But somehow she still figured out that this was not gonna work out very well.

And then she made this HollyFace.

hfA number of times, actually.

Season Six is looking like a banner year for the #HollyFace hashtag.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Kendall, Nia (…“Excuse me Boo, you’re in my way”…) Sioux and Mackenzie or MackZ or whatever it is now.  I thought we were back to just plain Mackenzie Ziegler, but then Abby referred to her in the past-tense and I got confused.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, who for some reason looked more like Maddie‘s sister than Maddie’s sister did this week.

Top o’ the Heap:  Kalani!  It wasn’t really clear if she was Top Dawg for her dancing skills or for not misplacing her newborn brother, because Abby kind of slipped Jett‘s birth announcement in with some rambling sumthin sumthin about being a good babysitter and Pyramid rankings.  But either way…congrats.

Yes.  The TV World finally caught up with the Real World and Kira had that baby!

Kisses.  What a peanut.

640_jett2This week, the gang was headed to the Devotion 2 Dance Competition.  I love when everyone cheers and gets all excited before Abby even finishes the sentence.  They don’t even know what they’re clapping for yet.

Kendall scored a solo titled ‘All Eyes On Me’ while JoJo got her BowBow yanked out and was handed an ‘I’ll Show You The Dark Side’ character solo.

Side note:  Maddie was MIA again, strictly observing Abby’s new moratorium on not doing any outside activities other than dancing at the ALDCLA by doing an outside activity that didn’t involve dancing at the ALDCLA.

I swear.  Dance Rules are harder to understand than Dance Math.

Melissa‘s hair looked nice, BTW.

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The group routine was going to be a Hip Hop number called ‘Straight Outta Pittsburgh’ because Gianna was nowhere to be found and the internet has yet to beat this one into the ground, yo.  And neither have I, apparently.

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You heard me.  Hip Hop.

The kids went bonkers, especially when Rumor Noel and some guy named Guy Amir came running into the studio.  Dat’s rite.  Two ALDCLA faculty members were gonna drop it like it was hot this week!!  Lyrical Whaaaat?

These.  Two.  Can.  Dance.

Hat Fact:  When they blur out the logo on your snapback, you know you’re a rockstar.

And then the Minis arrived.

Hundreds of them.  All at once.  And so cute.

gallery-1447351903-giphyOne of them even looked like she was a newborn.  But she made it inside with a little help.

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And then the Moms came in and the party really got started.

Side note:  These Pageant Name Generating Machines.  Where do I get one?

We met Tiffanie and her daughter Alexus, who I assume was named after somebody else named Alexis and the luxury automobile they use to carpool to dance class.

We also met Sari and her daughter Areana.  Very smiley, I must say.

And then it was Kerri and her daughter Peyton.  Was it just me, or did she introduce her daughter like “I just got these Louboutins at Nordstrom and had to Pay a Ton.”  You hear that?  Not Peyton.  Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton.

I liked her just for that, because you know I’m all about the drama.

And don’t forget Mary and her daughter Alysa.  She was missing an ‘S‘ in her name, but immediately got Bonus Points for dressing up like my favorite Star Trek character from the Shatner days.  I love whatever that is that’s going on in her hair right now.

stThis show.  I swear.  We love these kids.

If there’s not a Season 7, Bryan Stinson‘s gonna have to change his phone number.

The next day as the Minis all bounced around like they were inside one of those germ infested inflatable Chuck E. Cheese castles, the big girls got to getting their Hip Hop on with the help of…count ’em…not one, but THREE boy dancers!

YAAAAS!  Abby surprised the team with the addition of a dude trio who all danced like *NSYNC and yet somehow still looked like they should be hosting Blue’s Clues.

Ryan, Blake and Kenneth were in the ALDC hizzle, fo’ shizzle.

And let’s just say The Three Musketeers had it going on.  Boom.

Oh.  Holly and Melissa kept making these faces every time they stepped on a Mini.

Those little babies were Every.  Where.

mhTo up the ante a little bit, Abby had Brynn learning Kendall’s solo right alongside her, for no apparent reason other than to push all of my MomCrush Jill‘s buttons.

Spoiler Alert:  It was working.

Nia was also tag teaming JoJo’s routine, just in case, but the two of them seemed to be playing quite nicely together.  When the BowBow comes off, JoJo seems to lose some of her SpazSpaz.  She and her Mom make me spit out my drink every time they open their mouths.

Side note:  If you watch all the Minis running around and imagine a doggy squeak toy going off every time they take a step, it’s pretty hilarious.  I wish I had sound effects.

As solo rehearsals progressed, Jill was getting more protective of Kendall’s personal space and attempted to create some kind of Invisible Dance Moms Force Field around her daughter to keep Brynn from getting all up in her grill.

Ashlee picked on Jill.  Jill picked on Ashlee.  These two did this again.

mhAnd then Jill finally warned Ashlee to take it down a notch, sistah.

Remember the ALDC Pecking Order.

Hashtag: I Died.  Jill Vertes quoted RuPaul’s Drag Race and now I’m done for day.

not-today2Lucky for us, yet unfortunate for the children caught in the crossfire, the Drag Queen Drama continued when Brynn (…allegedly…) got too close to Kendall’s imaginary bubble and Jill noted that if Ashlee’s kid had a brain in her head she would move out of the way.

Ladies.  Start your engines.

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Jill and Ashlee tore into the studio.

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Jill said whatever this was…

j1And then said something else that got the snapback treatment…

jBack out in the hallway, Jill told Brynn she should have stepped aside and not been in front of Kendall and that she should never talk back to adults when Brynn tried to explain that she didn’t do anything wrong and would have moved if she was aware that she had been in anybody’s orbit which Jill may or may not have believed which in turn made Brynn cry and caused Ashlee to come (drag)racing over to yank her baby away from Jill who just kinda stood there for a second while Mackenzie decided she should be crying too for some reason while everyone got dragged into what was either a voting booth or a Macy’s fitting room to have a group meltdown while Melissa tried to run to the rescue in the most inappropriately high stilettos for such an activity.

And the whole thing totally deserved that one long run-on sentence.  So you’re welcome.

I live for editing.  There.  I said it.

Did I forget to mention that Holly swooped in to snatch all the kids out of harm’s way?

Because she did.  Totally.  Because that’s what she always does in a crisis.

Remember when this happened…

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And then this happened…

tumblr_n0vak1nSo31qk08n1o2_500And Holly was all like…

tumblr_mn9y8nUs9u1qdwtljo1_r2_400And then she was all like “EverybodyOutGetTheKidsOutEverybodyOutGetTheKidsOut!!!” 

BY06jWmI love how Holly’s immediate instinct is to always Save The Children.

And make this #HollyFace all the time, of course.  That’s key.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500The next day, everyone was licking their wounds and giving SideEye when one of the Minis had a MiniMeltdown and wanted to leave California for ever.

I’m done.  Done.

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Tiny Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton didn’t wanna play no more and wanted to take all her toys and go home.  She was almost at the Hiccup Crying stage fercryingoutloud, the poor thing.  Nobody even offered her a kleenex.

Dance Moms Rule #1:  Everybody has to quit at least once and come back.

It’s in the contract, honey.

So they did.  Abby trailed them out into the parking lot and convinced them to come back inside and watch the rehearsals.  Which they did.  So one crisis averted.

For now, anyhooo.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Safety First:  If Kendall doesn’t get off that damn phone when she’s walking into the venue every week she’s gonna fall in an uncovered sewer department manhole someday.

I swear.  Kids and their electronics.

It was also time for Abby to receive a call from her lawyer regarding all the hidden profits from this whole extravaganza.  The alleged ones, I mean.  Almost forgot that part.

aI guess Saving All Those Tears For Your Pillow doesn’t qualify as a rule when you’re looking at a couple years in the slammer, because Abby cried and then cried some more and then took off in her car for the rest of the episode, after putting on the most comfortable looking fur-lined teal old lady moccasins I’ve evah seen and then blowing me a personal air kiss out the window.

She’s outta here till next week.

Backstage, Jill kinda sorta apologized for yelling or not yelling at Brynn and Ashlee told Jill she was sorry that Jill was such a bitch.  Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I couldn’t follow it either.

But Ashlee was all like…

Bianca-Del-Rio-RuPauls-Drag-Race-Really-bitch-Gif

…and then Jill looked at her all like…

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So, yeah…that went nowhere.

Side note:  The fact that Bianca Del Rio is wearing the same top that Jill was wearing when she flipped out on Abby just proves that all my worlds are slowly colliding and there’s nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable.  Pray for me.

Speaking of old ladies, tho.  (The slippers…not Jill and Ashlee.  Gah.)  Somebody needs to send me the youtube link to whatever dance troupe did that crazy routine with the Nicki Minaj nursing home ladies pushing walkers who booty slapped themselves and then went to Old Country Buffet.  Please tell me you see that number when they cut back from commercial.  That was whack.

Kendall’s solo went well, even though Ashlee felt otherwise.  JoJo’s makeup and solo were both equally crazy.

And then the Blue’s Klues Krew arrived in the Green Room to show the West Coast how the almost East Coast Pittsburgh do it.

This kids’ face, tho.  Welcome to the ALDCLA, sparky.

wtfThe Hip Hop number was In. Sane.

Saluting both Pittsburgh’s 412 area code and Vivi-Anne’s legendary Bee Costume…

v2…the ALDCLA wrecked the place.

kjI think Nia got dis, ‘mmmkay?

niaNailed.  It.

And of course, it took First Place.

Not that the emcee could read her card with those crazy bangs she was styling.

But they won.  Trust me.

JoJo came in Second in her age division.  Despite Ashlee’s grumblings, Kendall scored First Place in her age category and even got to stand next to a little girl who looked like she was plucked right off the Olympic medal risers.  You see that?

And then it was over.

Hip Hop Redemption.

And a Mini Invasion.

Just another week at the ALDCLA.

Time to back this thing up and buzz outta here.

See you next time.

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Dance Moms: When The ALDC Gets Thrown To The Hungry Wolves, Let The Potato Chips Fall Where They May.

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

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We all want to be at the top of the Food Pyramid cuz that’s where they put the chips. Figure it out.

 

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Hi. Yeah. The dance was cute. I was just wondering why you still wear pigtails. Aren’t you like 27?

 

 

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She doesn’t wanna mess with me right now. I know way too much. I know so much stuff…

 

 

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I dunno. I have a PhD for cryin’ out loud. I just show up cuz craft services always has chips.

 

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Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom.

 

 

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OMG. I can’t. These BBQ chips are so hot. It’s like they’re literally burning my eyes right now.

 

 

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That smart a** kid might be right about these chips, cuz I’m eating like I just got out of prison.

 

 

 

Srsly.

Was it just me, or did anyone else get the Dance Moms munchies this week?

Not sure why, but something made me hungry.  Like a wolf, almost.  I couldn’t stop eating for the whole hour.  I think I went through two bags of potato chips.

I couldn’t tell if it was emotional eating, or stress induced, or what.  Probably both.

I mean, this is Dance Moms, right?  Whatever it was, I’m not proud.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’d totally do it again.  But I’m not proud.

635827983750906392-241400791_potato chipIt was Week #2 of the new competition season down at the ALDCLA, and as everyone arrived for the Pyramid of Shame: West Coast Version, it was clear that the three hour time change was once again having an effect on Abby Lee Miller‘s behavior.

Something about California really messes with her equilibrium, I swear.

It was also Week #2 of the Abby-imposed moratorium against ALL other outside activities for the girls.  Because Dance was the focus now.  Dance was the priority now.

Except for Maddie, that is, who was MIA somewhere doing a movie.  And Abby herself, of course, who was MIA somewhere being certifiably crazy.

Hey, kids.  Can you say ‘Double Standards?’  Because Holly certainly could.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace…

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…and then this one…

h3…and then broke her own record for how many #HollyFaces she could make before the first commercial.  We heart Holly so hard sometimes.

Eventually, Abby rolled in with no eyebrows (…and hair that on the Miller BackComb And Tease Scale of 1-100 barely moved the needle to a shaky 4…) and began searching frantically for something to rat up the top of her ‘do so we could all finally get going.

Side note:  Abby has a makeup artist that follows her around the studio all day.

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F’realz.  And her name is Diana.  Just like Wonder Woman.  And she has Pebbles Flintstone hair and a blood pressure reading that is probably off the charts.

And she doesn’t get paid enough.  Trust me.  Granted, I’ve never actually seen her paystub, but I can pretty much guarantee you that she doesn’t get paid enough.

Here’s Diana changing outfits for the Nickelodeon Awards last year:

tumblr_n9k26fM59j1s2wio8o1_500As soon as my MomCrush Jill saw Abby drawing in her own eyebrows with Diana’s waterproof Sharpie, she knew there was going to be some kind of a problem this week.

tumblr_n0r2el5kSW1r1rmzqo2_500Red Flag, people.  Red Flag.

Remember last year when Abby started unraveling and dumped her entire purse out on the floor looking for I forget what?  And she found a cookie instead?

anigif_enhanced-3488-1428823212-14Spoiler Alert:  You see where this mess is all headed.

Let’s try and keep focus for a second, tho.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MIA Maddie, KalaniKendall and Mackenzie.  Mezzanine Level:  Nia and JoJo and JoJo’s Hamster Ball Dance from last week.

And on Top: Maddie Stand-In/Guest Dancer Brynn!

Fashion Notes:  The kids looked great in their new Black & White gear.

Not so matchy-matchy for a change, which was nice.  Most of the Moms even decided to go along with this week’s Pantone theme.  I think Brynn’s Mom Ashlee may have overslept on the day they filmed her interview confessional, because one shot looked like she was still wearing a black lace nightie.

Or maybe not.  Regardless, we really enjoy the new Mom, even though she definitely likes to make sure all her girls get some air-time…if you know what I mean.

ashThis week the gang was headed to another one of those New York Dance Experience competitions where you get live critiques on stage while you’re still standing there trying to catch your breath.

Solos:  Kendall would perform a routine titled “The Meltdown” since last week’s interaction with her Mom was still so fresh in her head.

Just.  Stop.  Talking.  Mom.  Gawd.

Mackenzie was going to revive her famous Season One moment  “All I Want To Do Is Sit On The Couch And Eat Chips” from 5 years ago, even though Abby totally got the quote wrong from the get-go.  Google before Choreo.  Always.

Remember that youtube clip?

When Mackenzie was only 6 years old and was missing half her teeth and preferred a bag o’ Lay’s over accepting any and all lead roles on Broadway?

acve#Full Disclosure:  That’s not actually the video.  That’s me last night watching this show.

Sometimes I think I may be a little too invested in their lives.  But I digress.

The third solo was going to Nia and would be based on Taraji P. Henson‘s sassy character Cookie on the hit musical drama Empire.

One.  Shout out to Taraji for bringing home the Golden Globe this week!

Two.  We’re almost half way through already and this recap is just now starting to make any sense?  Time Management’s not really my thang, yo.  I like pretty pictures.

Side note:  Melissa was being all feisty this week and not taking any crap from Abby.

Sup widdat?

melThe group routine “Hungry Like The Wolves” was Abby’s way of telling the girls that they needed to remain hungry…umm…like wolves.

Q.  Do I really need to keep breaking down all the subtle nuances of this show for you every week?  Haven’t you been around long enough by now to figure this stuff out on your own so I can get to bed earlier on Tuesday nights?  Seriously.

Melissa said that Mackenzie’s potato chip quote was so famous that people had even made shirts about it and sold them on eBay, which was news to me.  But I believe her.

I personally have at least three Pittsburgh Dance Moms logo tees that are stained with grease because I have a bad habit of wiping my hands on my clothing instead of getting my lazy a** off the couch and grabbing a napkin.

Look at this crew eating potato chips.  Even gophers have better manners.

giphy-5 And speaking of a**.

We’re jumping ahead a little bit, but Abby called Mackenzie a smart a**.

I know right?  To her face.  With the kids in the car!

All because she didn’t like the answer little MackZ gave her when asked about this week’s solo.  Get the quote right first and then maybe we can have a pop quiz, lady.

Lemme tell you, Melissa was not having it and charged right into the studio for an emotional YouSaid SheSaid MaddieWoulda MackenzieCoulda screaming match which resulted in Melissa storming back to the bleachers warning all of America that Abby shouldn’t mess with her because she knew so much shizz about Abby’s…I dunno…finances…maybe?

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Whoa.

Which brings us to Good Morning America‘s Breaking News.

sddefaultWait.  What?

Hold that sparkly iPhone a little closer to your face, Jill.  What is this all about?

At first Holly was all like ‘I’mNotOneToGossipButThisLooksInteresting’

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And then she was all like ‘OoohNoSheDin’t!’

hj(Look at Jill’s SideEye.)

And then they were all straight out like ‘SayWhaaaaa?’
2e6eb8bde47add19377db025c5aae756I mean, like…

copySo, yeah.  I totally just told that whole story backwards.  But you get the gist of it.  And the end result was the same.  Sometimes you need to just go with the flow.

And by now you’ve all seen the TMZ stories and the CVS magazine articles while you’re standing in line buying your 75% OFF christmas wrap.  So take it to the chatrooms.  You know what these recaps are all about by now.  Stress makes me…you know.

chipsNeedless to say, the Moms were concerned and Abby was in denial.

Jill wanted to discuss the Elephant In The Corner (…what does that even mean?  Isn’t he just there in the room wandering around?…) but Abby was going on like it was just another day at the office.  Except for the itchy nose part.

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a2Yup.  Just another day at the ALDCLA.

Despite all the media hoopla, the girls needed to rehearse for the the weekend.

Did I mention that Abby wanted Nia to twerk?  Like Nicki Minaj twerk?  Because she did.

Well.  My Anaconda don’t.  And neither does Nia.

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Nia’s a young lady now.  And a role model.  And raised right.  And even though Abby showed her how she wanted it done, it wasn’t gonna happen.

Q.  What do you think that driver thought when he cruised by the window and saw all of this goodness pressed up against the glass?

twr

A.  True Story.

giphy-1Finally, it was Showtime!

Actually, there was a whole bunch of other MelissaStress and yelling and checking TMZ updates that went down before Competition Day, but all the potato chip jokes have put me a little behind schedule.  Abby even called Mackenzie a disappointment and made her go on that bouncy tumble track thing and even went for Maddie’s baby teeth during one argument with Melissa.

Not literally, like they were in a jar or something.  You know what I mean.

But this recap is running long, so we’re all leaving for NYDE right now, with or without you.

As the team arrived at the venue, the Moms were wondering what kind of reception they would receive, since you know how kids today do love their social media.  Nobody knew if they would be walking into a cheering crowd or a firing squad.

Drumroll, please.

They had shirts made!

dtcs

Well, not that one.

You wish.

That’s the one Jill wears when she cleans the bathroom.

The crowd was actually wearing this one…

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Side note:  I’ve been waiting almost a month for my 3 pack of Hanes to ship from Macys.com and yet somehow a herd of adolescent girls managed to manufacture brand new JailBreak couture and have the ink already dry by the weekend?

Something ain’t rite.

Let’s wrap this thing up, shall we?

The solos went well from the audience’s perspective.  Mackenzie wore pigtails again, of course.  Because, you know…she’s Mackenzie.  And that’s kind of her thing until forever.

Kendall was supposed to wear latex old lady makeup, but freaked out and peeled it off like they do at a day spa when you need your pores unclogged.  Word on the street is that she was allergic to the rubber, even though we never actually got the full deets before she had her pre-Meltdown…meltdown.

Nia nailed her routine, even though it was clear that the Sass to Actual Choreography Ratio was a little skewed.  If I had remembered to mention earlier that this week’s winning solo would also do a solo NEXT week, the last few paragraphs would have been more beneficial in the long run.

My bad.  But you gotta admit the gophers were on point.

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And so were those wolf costumes, right?

ws1Those were the Real Deal.

I guess the days of sitting up in that MomPerch hot glueing Joanne Fabric sequins to iParty hats are truly long gone now, even though I really do miss Kelly and Christi swearing every time they burnt their fingers.

Shout out!  We miss you!

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True Story:  That clip is actual backstage surveillance camera footage from the first time Kelly ever read my blog and I made fun of her hair.

Relax.  I apologized like a million times.

And then the Awards.

Mackenzie took 4th Place for her Dance of the Eternal Pigtail.  Kendall only scored 3rd Place but at least got a free facial for all her trouble.  And Nia’s Cookie routine came in Second Place.

And then the group lost.

No First Place nothing for nobody.

At least that pretty lady on the stage got to pretend she had her own Talk Show for the day.  Look at her go.

We’ll be right back with Mackenzie after this commercial for Palmolive.

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And then Abby lost it again.

The Moms were just trying to let her know that they were all there for her and supporting her and if she wanted to talk about all the stuff that she wasn’t talking about they would all be around to talk about it and if she–

Hold up.

Did Abby just say–?

Did she just imply that they might all be going to jail with her?

Excuse me?

jvThat’s it.

I’m done.

The Moms were done.

Everyone was done.

Let’s just go eat, girls.  My treat.

giphy-4Cuz I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry again.

See you next time!

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Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Back And Better Than Ever! Hate To Burst Your Hamster Bubble…But They Be Rollin’.

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

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Why is this big star stuck on the window when I specifically ordered it for my dressing room?

 

bub

 

 

Look at her face! That is so totally the shade of blue eye shadow I want for my next video.

 

 

mjs

 

 

Now just hold on. Siri says a person can live without air for 4 minutes. Isn’t the song 5 minutes?

 

 

bfUKeM9

 

 

Just let Mommy clean this for you and then we can watch Dance Moms.

 

a

 

 

If we lose her, that new kid wears the same size jacket so I’m not gonna stress myself out over it.

 

 

jam

 

 

I don’t care who you are, lady. Just get your team and your personal paparazzi photog outta here.

 

 

 

 

Srsly. If it’s gonna take 30 minutes to set up that stage, we’re gonna need 2 hotdogs over here.

 

 

 

So.

Not to get deep or anything.  But.

You ever feel like sometimes you’re just going ’round and ’round in circles?

Like you’re making progress and yet going nowhere at the same time?  Like that elusive water bottle of Life is just within reach but then all of the sudden your emergency release hatch zipper is on the wrong side?  Why does that always seem to happen?

Why can’t Life just be easy all the time?

And why is this kitten even inside a hamster ball in the first place?  Where’s the hamster?

a-hamster-wheel_5435b06c2ba4f

Which reminds me.

Dance Moms is back.

After a brief hiatus for some summer sun, fun and new extensions (…yeah…I’m looking at you, MomCrush Jill…) the whole gang is back in bidnezz at the new ALDCLA studio.

Everyone except Kira, that is.

In Real Time, she’s already delivered a redoinkulously cute newborn and literally HashTagged #BabyJett so many times that I feel she owes me money for baby sitting.

But in TV Time, Kira’s still L’eggo My Preggo and back home waiting for his arrival.

I mean…c’mon.  Look at this little peanut playing his imaginary saxophone.

Sup, playskool playas?

CVTdLqCVEAA8On0During Kira’s absence, Melissa has taken over legal guardianship of Kalani, just in case her appendix bursts on the bus, I guess.

At first I thought maybe MamaZ had just traded kids for a week, because Maddie was clearly MIA as everyone strolled and HoverRolled up to the studio.

Side note:  Nothing personal, JoJo and Mackenzie, but can I tell you how much I’m already OVER this hoverboard craze?  I swear.  I’m sure they’re wicked fun and all.  And they look so sci-fi that I’m totally a little jealz that the inner ear infection I had when I was 6 years old still makes me fall down escalators if I try to ride them backwards.

But if I see one more Mall Cop trying to chase down Marty McFly in the food court…

I swear.

Turns out that Maddie was off somewhere filming a movie that was being directed by the same guy who did Jurassic World.  Remember when Chris Pratt was pudgy?

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To recap.  Maddie: Nowhere to be found.  Kendall:  Standing right there in front of Abby.

You do the math.  Because Jill certainly did.

jvtSide note:  Check it out.  They finally got rid of those size 3T tutus that have been hanging behind everyone’s head for 5 years.  I swear the pink one was from Chloe‘s first ballet class.  I miss ChloeBird and Christi.  And Kelly and Paige and Brooke, too.  Shout out!

Once everybody got comfortably situated inside the shiny new ALDCLA, Abby immediately laid down the law.  After losing out at last season’s Nationals to Jeanette Cota and her BDA troupe (…kinda sorta the Team Formally Known As Candy Apples…) the ALDC was going back to its roots.

Dance.  Dance.  More Dance.  And then nothing but Dance.

That’s right.  You heard me.  A moratorium on extracurricular activities.

It didn’t matter that the whole point of uprooting everyone and shipping them FedEx from PA to LA was to boost their careers and open up a whole new world of opportunities.

Nope.  Psych.

My girl Nia Sioux (…“Excuse me, Boo…you’re in my way”…) didn’t make this face until the end of the show, but she made one almost exactly like it when Abby announced the new ruling.  So it still works.  Plus, it’s too good to waste at the bottom of this recap when you’re all zoning out.

#WhatchooTalkinBoutAbby?

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Gurrrrl, pleez.  You tell me she’s not her mother’s daughter.  I mean, like…

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We love Holly so much.

Side note:  New #LifeGoal is to walk by the front window of that studio and have my face blurred out like I’m running from the cops.  How do we make this happen?

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Needless to say, the next few minutes were nothing but trying to figure out why Maddie could go off and film a movie which was clearly an extracurricular activity while the rest of the girls were not allowed to do extracurricular activities like filming a movie and then Jill got kind of loud and then Kendall went…

shI’m not really sure why someone felt the need to insert those Honey Boo Boo Child subtitles since Kendall was already yelling at the top of her lungs, but whatev.

Honestly, I was more concerned with who they paid off at city hall to keep all those parking spots empty in front of the studio for the next 8 months.

You see that?  There are never that many empty parking spots in Los Angeles.  Ever.

I’m totally getting a Hertz rental and pulling right up onto the sidewalk this season.  Then you can all watch my blurred out face and a** being towed down the street to the police station.  But I’m not worried, tho, because my boy Bryan Stinson will bail me out.

He’s the one with the Apple Launch headset that Holly almost pushed down at the Reunion Show last season.

Gah.  I don’t care what you say.  I still l love this show.

gOh.  And the girls all got new head shots that were totes mcgotes glamazoned up.

No more little tykes sitting on the floor while Abby spins around the Season One chalkboard.  Our girls are all grown up now.

Programming note:  At today’s performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by Brynn Rumfallo.  Because Brynn was back!  And  so was her sassy Mom Ashlee.  

I think JoJo had a little BowEnvy when Brynn ran into the studio.  JoJo’s was still bigger, but the last thing you want is anyone moving in on your signature look.

I’m not sure what kind of envy, if any, the Moms were having, but every camera angle made it look like Jessalynn was trying to figure out if Ashlee’s boobs were real or not.

boobFYI:  The last time Brynn had been with the ALDC was for a performance on Dancing With The Stars, where Melissa had (…allegedly…) told Tom Bergeron that the other girls were all just backup dancers for Maddie.  Needless to day, Ashlee called her out on it as soon as the Moms hit those visibly uncomfortable carpet-covered plywood seats.

Melissa said it never happened and made this face.  Look at that vein in her neck.

mBut Ashlee kept talking and Melissa kept checking for early signs of an aneurysm.

m1Ashlee vs. Melissa.  Ashlee vs. Jill.  Ashlee just wasn’t liking it.

sassy dannyFun Trivia:  That guy from American Idol is a Drag Queen now.

tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500At this week’s Sheer Talent Competition, Brynn scored a solo and JoJo was going to be put into one of those infomercial vacuum sealer bags that you store your winter clothes in when you do spring cleaning.

Well, sorta.

It was was going to be a take off on The Boy In The Plastic Bubble movie.  Which is not to be confused with the Bubble Boy movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal that I posted at the top of all this hilarity, which will still get me hate tweets for the wrong photo even though I’m telling you right now I already know which movie is which.

The Boy In The Plastic Bubble is the one starring John Travolta when he still had Vinny Barbarino hair and bell bottoms even though he’s wearing shorts right now.

20100217-john-travolta-1-600x411Side note:  The irony that most of the people who watch Dance Moms are younger then those kids looking into Vinny’s bubble has not escaped me.  Some of you may need to hit pause and fire up the Google for a few minutes while I sit here getting old.

Somehow Abby found one of those giant inflatable water bubble things, shoved JoJo inside and inflated it until her eardrums burst.

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Who knew that Gianna had a leaf blower in her Louis Bag?  What are the chances?

lbAccording to the directions, it’s fun for 5 minutes.

tumblr_mi3jhpjLVO1s2589qo1_500And then you die.

tumblr_lltcmaEf421qhigt0o1_500This show does like the drama.

Totally unrelated, check out these two hamsters going backwards on a record player.

hamsters-spinning-on-turntable-1As they tried to revive JoJo, we scooted over to the BDA to see what they’d been up to all summer.

Jeanette was all like OhHeyGirfriends and tossed it up high.  National Champions, Bitches.  I like her better with straight hair, not that she ever asked for my opinion.

jcOther stuff happened, but honestly, all that really mattered to me was that the Morales Posse was back in the hizzle.  YAAAAS!  They’re baaaack!

We love Jo and Gavin and McKenzie With No ‘A.’

Remember GDawg’s face when Lucas Triana called him a pissy little bitch?

WTF, dude?

g-1If I recall correctly, Jo even took off her shoes AND earrings and got ready to rumble right before security came in and hosed down Brigette.

This show.  I swear.

Gavin was all like ‘WhoopWhoopHollaBackLadies’ while McKenzie just stood there in utter disbelief that someone would touch her damn head after it took her a solid 45 to get that bun right.

gmThe Short Version:  BDA was going to do their own interpretation of ALDC’s Second Place “Waiting Room” dance from Nationals to show them how it should be done.  And Gavin wears a lot of hair product for lift and shine.

Commence heartbreaking in Three…Two…One.  HowYouDoin?

gv

Back at the ALDCLA, everyone got all excited that Maddie was calling in via satellite.

Because that’s totally what they called it, like she was riding around on the Mars Explorer land rover or something.

It’s called FaceTime, people.  And I still don’t understand why Skype video is blurrier than the actual shots of Mars dirt sent from 783 billion miles away from Earth.  Can’t someone fix that by now?  We can call people on Dick Tracy watches already, fercryinoutloud.

giphyAnd then Jill opened her mouth and I swear that Holly’s voice came out of it.  F’realz.

Because Jill said that even though they support Abby and will still do things with Abby, she will do whatever it takes to give Kendall the best future possible.

Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I mean.  I’m not saying that someone’s been saying that all along, but…

hfI mean…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Oy vey.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Maddie was back from Mars for some PepTalk and MovieTalk.  It’s still so funny to see these kids without braces on their teeth.

mzDid you catch when Ashlee was so busy talking that she sewed Brynn’s headpiece directly into her skull?  That’s gonna leave a mark in the morning.

Q.  Since the girls had never actually done a complete run-through of the group dance without the zipper on JoJo’s airbag jamming, Nia Sioux thankfully piped up and asked Abby what they should do if JoJo flatlined in the middle of the routine and they couldn’t get her unsealed.

A.  Scream FIRE.  Because that’s always the best thing to do in a crowded theater.

ashWell, at least they had a plan now.

Gavin’s “The Comeback” solo was da bomb.  He was nervous, but Melissa had said earlier in the episode that he would get bonus points for his boy parts, so I wasn’t worried.

(That’s not exactly what she called them, but I’m trying to maintain my borderline PG-13 rating.  Wish I’d known about these points back in the days when I was trying to raise my score at school dances in the cafetorium.  Dang.  Where my trophy at?)

gmomBrynn’s solo was also quite nice and was even introduced by the same voice guy who does “The White Zone is for Loading and Unloading only” announcements at the airport.

Am I wrong?  Did you hear him?

Somebody on Twitter said Brynn’s penché was amazing, so congrats.  I don’t know what that is, but job well done, honey.  Apparently my Macbook Pro doesn’t know either, because it auto-corrected it to ‘peanut’ two times before it stuck on a ballet term.

And then the ALDC hit the stage with HamsterJoJo.

They came out on stage just like this, I swear.

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Side note:  That kid with the blue hamster ball is having a bad day.

The ALDC girls danced all around just like this and the audience loved it.hamsterballWhen the BDA hit the stage is when things got a little chaotic.

All they had to do was set up 6 of those plastic dining chairs that you always see outside restaurants that start with the word ‘Metro-sumthin’ and call it a day.  But for some reason, 10 BDA Moms couldn’t get 6 chairs in a straight line.

Worst.  Wedding.  Planners.  Ever.

Abby got the owner of the competition (…who totally looked like my pizzeria guy in the North End…“You gonna order or sit there all day?”…) so worked up that he disqualified them for going over the 1.75 minute rule for prop-setting-upper-people.

Then Jeanette lost her nutty a little and tore off to the judges’ table with Abby following behind her filming the whole thing on her iPhone like she was sending it back out via satellite to the International Space Station.  Swear to Gawd.

Everyone in the audience looked exactly like this…

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…until Jo got them all doing some kind of Super Bowl stadium cheer that gave me Life.

Eventually the owner caved and let the BDA perform.  Which, regardless of whose side your on, was a good thing because the dance was important to Jeanette due to the loss of her sister in an accident years ago.  It was a sad story.

Gavin slid all the way onstage on his back.  Totally stealing that move at the club this weekend when my song comes on.  Dat’s rite.  I’m doing The Gavin.

You can’t stop me when the beat drops.

And e’rrybody’s gonna look just like this when they see it.  Somebody hold my drink…

h1The Results:

Brynn:  First Place.  Gavin:  Second Place.

ALDC:  First Place.  BDA:  Second Place.  Points deducted for lining up 6 chairs that ended up looking like they were on the Titanic right before it went under.

And then it got weird.

Melissa started to cry because Maddie was gone and then back and then going away again.  And then Abby started to cry because Melissa was crying and made this face…

tg…right before she foreshadowed the future with some cryptic rambling about making mistakes and paying the price and being on TMZ.

Ok.  I made up that last part.  But you know where she was going.

Nia made that face from before…

nia…and then everyone started scratching their weaves.  What is she talking about?

You know what’s coming.  We all do.

But since I just finished a cheeseburger at Mark Wahlberg‘s new restaurant and then came home to pre-order Teresa Guidice‘s JailBreak tell-all book while lying on markdown Martha Stewart sheets that still weren’t cheap, I’m thinking Abby will somehow come out just fine on the other end.  It’s kind of in her DNA.

That’s a saga for another day, tho.

For now, Dance Moms is back!  We got a whole season to get this party started.

ALDC…dance us out of here, will ya?

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