DanThat'sCool!

Yeah.  That’s right, honey.  Now you might stand a chance.

Baby, baby, baby.  Whoah.  Say it ain’t so.

In case you were caught up in that whole US Credit Downgrade Stock Market Almost Crashing Thing this weekend, let me bring you up to speed on what’s really been going on out in the Real World.

You may not have felt it, but there was a brief ripple in the Teeny Bop Time Continuum Vortex.  For Realz.

Regardless of which astrological glitter sticker locker door chart you use to track these sort of things, over the last few days all calculations began to verify the possibility that the RadioDisney constellation JelenaSelieber is showing signs of imploding all over itself like just so much Nickelodeon green slime.

The mere suggestion/rumor that such a carefully placed, perfectly photo-opped stellar creation could not survive Infinity & Beyond nearly shut down the internet, all our unlimited text plans and every Limited Too retail outlet in the Free World.

Translation?  What does that actually mean to anyone old enough to shave or wear a bra?  It means that Selena Gomez may have dumped Justin Bieber.

A moment to process all that, and the ramifications for hyper ventilating Tweens everywhere.

And all this is happening before the Back To School shopping season even begins?

Think about it.  If Justin Bieber is actually back on the market, there ain’t enough Biebz Trapper Keepers in all the Target warehouses in all of America to placate the gazillion girly girls who will spend Algebra class doodling “Mrs. Justin Bieber” all over the back cover.  This won’t be pretty.

The CNN rumor mill…(OK, I couldn’t even keep a straight face while I typed that)…is verifying/gossiping that Selena doesn’t like the Biebz choice in friends and doesn’t want all that sketchy riff raff bringing down her skyrocketing career.  (Two attempts at a straight face in one sentence.  A new Blog Record.)  As has been well documented in the press lately, Justin does not appear to fully recall that he is in reality still a Little White Boy.  He has as of late surrounded himself with random Homies that must give even his YouTube pimping Mom cause to second guess some of her past choices.

Sean Kingston and Lil Wayne have both recently taken Justin and their police records for rides around town, and Selena don’t play dat.  Chris Brown didn’t want to be left out of the fun, and has also been seen waving his Rihanna pumping fists in the air to some Justin tunes while they laid down some new tracks.  Selena really don’t play dat.  The dealio is that Justin dragged some of his crew backstage to chill after Selena’s concert, potentially terrifying her own groupies, many of whom still carry unicorn stuffed animals in their backpacks decorated with those Hello Kitty Head key chain dangling thingamabobs.

Add to that Justin being photographed in a nasty potty mouthed logo t-shirt a short time ago, and you know somebody at Disney is breathing into a bag right now.

Depending on which of your tearful summer camp BFFs TTFN IM you first, Justin & Selena are either broken up or still together.  Duh.  No one knows, and no one over 14 seems to care.  But this thing is still clogging up all the Google pages and keeping Ryan and the staff at Eonline working overtime on a Sunday.  A “leaked” photo of the Teen Choice Awards showed the auditorium seating layout, and O…M…G…they are not sitting together.  I know, right?  There are empty chairs between them.  Empty.

Why me, God?  Is the space set aside for parents, which means they are still together?  Or bodyguards, which means they are broken up and someone needs to make sure they play nice?  Or is it for all the surfboards he is going to win?  (And what is anyone, celeb or otherwise, gonna do with an airbrushed surfboard trophy?  What if you win more than one?  How do you even get all that home on the subway?  Seriously, TCA?  OMG.  ROTFLMAO.  Smiley face icon goes here…I just don’t know how to do it, and I can’t find a 9 year old to break it down for me.)

Whether they walk the red carpet or not, no one knows if it is for publicity’s sake and they are grinning and bearing it, or if they are really still together.  Or maybe they broke up too late to find another date, even though I’m pretty  sure Chris Brown could have hooked up the Biebz with a hooch or two without even getting out of the drivers seat.  “I thought I told you to get to yo’ a** into the Teen Choice Awards?  Don’t make me put this thing in park, woman.”

I dunno.  Only time, and the non-Dateline chat rooms, will tell for sure.  I shouldn’t even know as much as I’ve already let on.

I need to find something to do between Real Housewives episodes.

Seacrest, out.

I’m thinking that these looked way cooler on Usher.

One, I am probably way too old to know that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are in love, in that Tiger Beat Magazine kind of way that little pop stars who always want their pictures taken are in love.

Two, I am probably way too old to know that…duh…you don’t call them Justin & Selena when you tweet, talk smack about her stealing your man, or doodle on your Unicorn 3 ring binder.  They are Jelena, people.  Say it with me.

Three, I am definitely going to regret referencing Tiger Beat Magazine, which by itself has probably already sent enough tweens running to Wikipedia to fill a Glee Concert Tour Venue.  I am getting older just by writing this post.  Must be a storm front moving in…my joints are starting to hurt.

It has already been well documented in some Hello Kitty Time Capsule somewhere that Justin Bieber is the Luckiest SOB ever.  Period.  To Infinity & Beyond.  If I knew back then that I could end up vacationing in the Riviera or wherever it is that they are making out right now, just by singing on You Tube….?  I know, right?  I would have sung more songs online than those kittens who play the piano.  In fact, I would have sung a song with a kitten accompanying me on the piano.  And another one jamming on the bass guitar. And it would have been one of those double paw kittens so he could really get his Hendrix on.

Why did my mom only put my drawings on the refrigerator, when she could have been pimping me out online?  Showing my Crayola Batman ‘toons, though brilliant and borderline genius if I do say so, didn’t get me to Maui now, did it?   And those tapes of me crooning in the school musicals didn’t seem to make it to the upload button either. I’m pretty sure that with a little more effort on someone’s part, that could have been me sitting next to Beyonce at the MTV awards in a booster seat, not the Biebs.  But, I’m not hatin’.

That job goes to all the gazillion screaming tweeny boppers who are filling Selena’s inbox with death threats for kissing the Biebster.  I’m pretty sure that the gravitational pull of the Earth shifted a little that day when all those little girls, all at the same time, dove face down into their Disney Princesses comforters to cry their eyes out when that first internet photo leaked (?) out.  Only dogs could hear the high pitched wails as the internet lit up with Skankelena sobs.  And it just doesn’t stop.

And neither do the pictures.  I’m assuming that Jelena doesn’t live anywhere near a football stadium so they could take part in some normal under the bleacher make out sessions.  So it makes perfect sense then that the next option would be on a yacht, or a private island, or Gilligan’s Island for all we know. Seriously?  And you tell me they don’t know that there might be one or two photogs lurking around somewhere?  Who do they think is attached to that snorkle popping up out of the water next to the boat?  I guess that questionably posed kanoodling can distract you from the paparazzi.

And there are so many other unanswered questions as well.  I can’t be the only one spending way too much time thinking about this subject.  (Please, don’t let me be the only one….)

With all that time making out on the beach and the yacht and then back on the beach and then onto the balcony and then back on the beach…how can he not have a tan yet? Not even a sunburn.  Little babies burn.  Unless maybe Selena is gooping him up with Banana Boat, but they probably have people for that. Michael Jackson’s umbrella holder could use a job I’m thinking.

And whoa.  Biebzilla.  Put a shirt on, or do some curls, dude.  If you know the entire world is going to be looking at your junk, at least have a protein shake.  I’m afraid that she’s gonna break you in half, just like she broke all those little girls’ hearts when she stole you away from them.  ”Nobody Meana then Selena.” Text it now to all your co-workers.  With one of those sad faces at the end of the sentence.

But we all know that young love, and teen idols, don’t last forever.  Sooner or later his voice will change. Or some peach fuzz will grow in, gross her out, and Selena will move on.  Or another Jonas Brother clone will be created in some Poplab somewhere, and there will be a whole new face on your Kmart Trapper Keeper by Back to School season.

Which…whoa…means there is still hope for the rest of us.

I need to find a kitten who can play the accordion asap.