Posts Tagged ‘Kalani Hilliker’

Dance Moms: She’s Baaaack! It’s The Return Of Honey Bow Bow Child When JoJo Takes The ALDC To Church.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

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Let’s plead insanity on that lawsuit. I’m sure I’ll pick up plenty of pointers this week. Trust me.

 

 

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That. Was hilarious.

 

 

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Don’t you worry, people. Mini-Maya ’bout to own this stage. But first, let me take a selfie.

 

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I don’t even know where I am right now. But I know it’s awesome and I like ponies and Skittles.

 

 

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I can already feel the Sassy Super Powers of this magic hair bow burning into my brain. It works!

 

 

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I’m just saying go get your own damn Starbucks because this Cup o’ Crazy is all mine, honey.

 

 

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AwHellNah. What is that on your head, girl? I don’t think so.

 

 

 

It’s true.

Hair Bow Chicka Bow Bow.

Ready or not, here she comes.

JoJo Siwa is back in the ALDC hizzle, yo.

Dance Moms raised the Headgear Threat Level to Glitter this week with the highly promoted arrival of the sassified Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition alum and it was pretty much everything you would expect to see when someone from the planet KrazyPants crash lands on the ALDC Mothership.

Because that’s what it was.

Krazy.  With a capital ‘K.’

But first, there were a few quieter non-JoJo moments before she and Mom Jessalyn knocked down the studio door and started making all the dogs in my house run in circles.

After last week’s confrontation between Holly and Abby, there was still a lot of underlying tension in that little pink holding room as the Few and The Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms waited for the Pyramid of Shame to commence.  With only three Moms and four dancers remaining, Kalani and Mom Kira were settling in nicely as new/old additions to the mix, but you could definitely cut it with a knife.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Right out of the gate, my MomCrush was on point.  Bump-It was almost setting off the ceiling sprinklers and she was working one of her officially licensed furry Star Wars vests.  I’m also digging that new Herbal Essence hairdo she’s rocking in the confessional one-on-ones.  I’m not sure how she makes all those hot roller curls bounce in slow motion like Baywatch, but she does.j

As Abby called everyone in for Pyramid, Holly asked if the Moms could come in first for a little chat, but she got shot down before she even finished the sentence.  No time for group hugs when there are Pyramids to unveil.

You heard me.  Pyramids.  Plural.

It was the Pyramids and Pyramids and Pyramids of Shame this week.

All the girls’ new and improved head shots from last week’s photo shoot were plastered across the mirrors.  Everyone got their own private pyramid, with all their different looks and outfit changes all taped up for the big reveal.  It was a moment when you suddenly realized how much they’ve all grown up over the years.

It was also one of those moments when you don’t question anything and just go with the flow.  Like when Glee kids burst into song in the middle of gym class or Lassie finds Timmy in an abandoned water well.  Because it’s a television show, people.

Yes.  It’s real life.  With real loving Moms who love real kids.  But it’s also real life on a reality show.  On your television.  So there’s stuff you see and don’t see and reasons for this and that and things that get edited and things that get cut.  Which is why Abby Lee Miller has a television show on a national cable network while Miss Jolene’s Dance and Tumble Tots Complex still shares Community Center rehearsal space with the Silver Sneakers senior program.

And it’s also why I just roll my eyes sometimes when people get themselves all bunched up on Twitter.  Chillax or change the channel.

But I digress.

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As you’ll recall, last week every girl had a 15 minute limit on their camera time which MackZ, Maddie and Kalani hogged, leaving Nia only 7 minutes to put on three different outfits, change her makeup twice and flat iron her hair.

Trust me, I’ve watched enough Bring It! to know that ain’t gonna happen in 7 minutes.

So relax.  It’s TV.

Honestly, I don’t even remember them bringing in that tree or wall or whatever it was that Kalani was leaning on.  Is she even old enough to have already had her Senior Pictures done?  She totes needs to sign my yearbook.

There was Spunky Maddie, Sultry Maddie, I Think I Like Boys Now Mackenzie, Soap Opera Kalani, Diva Nia and Sporty Spice all over the mirrors.  All done in 15 minutes.

It’s television.  And I just spent way too much time on that rant, so we’ll have to skip the actual Pyramid part this week.  Blah Blah…Maddie on top.  The End.

This week, the gang was heading to Warren, NJ for another In10sity Dance Competition.  The group routine was going to be a potentially controversial dance based on Religious Diversity, which immediately started spiking Twitter faster than Kim Kardashian‘s naked butt.

MackZ was handed yet another acrobatic solo, which was pretty strange considering all the time that Abby spends telling her to grow up and be an MTV vixen.  Pretty hard to do when you spend every week doing whatever that hand stand in a circle thing is called.

The final solo of the week was dangled in front of Nia’s face like meat-on-a-stick for about 20 minutes before Abby walked to the side door and announced the arrival of Storm JoJo.

Oh, JoJo.

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Part Asia Monet wannabe, part Anna Nicole Smith after a hard night of clubbing and part every Toddlers & Tiaras kid who ever finger kissed themselves right off the edge of the stage into a face plant on the Ramada ballroom carpet.

(Yeah, I’m talking to you, Eden Wood…)

That’s our JoJo.  Complete with yet another ginormous sparkly Joker bow/flower dingly head thingamabob that looked like it should be squirting water in Batman’s face.  And her Mom Jessalynn.  The other loud accessory that JoJo never leaves the house without.

If you watched AUDC, you’ll remember Jessalynn from her sassy “Girlfrieeeend” throw downs with every other Mom in the competition.

If you didn’t watch AUDC, Jessalynn is that woman who cuts in front of you at Walmart and then pretends that she was there the whole time.

As the girls stretched it out and started work on the religious number, the Moms hit the MomPerch.  Jessalynn started spraying attitude all over the couch, and as soon as it hit Holly’s new hair it was on like Donkey Kong.  For the full hour.

Old Moms and New Moms never seem to play nice on this show.  Or is it just me?

MackZ had to put on JoJo’s big ol’ hair bow at some point, too, in hopes that it would inspire sassiness.  It’s like a brain chip.  A big, curly, gift wrapped brain chip.  And it’s how KrazyPantaliens assimilate into our society.

The next day, Holly had raided Jill’s closet while she was in the shower and swiped one of her furry vests when nobody was looking.  But it worked.  You go, girl.

Downstairs in the studio, JoJo was really struggling with her solo.  Did I mention that Maddie was gone again?  I probably should have, since JoJo’s piece was supposed to fill the lyrical MaddieVoid while Maddie was off with her new bestie Sia at some Hollywood Bowl benefit concert.

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Q.  What were you doing when you were 12 years old?

A.  Not that.  Loser.

Clearly, little Miss JJ  was not going to be able to handle the choreography, so mid-stream Abby changed the whole dance into some JoJo-friendly JazzSpazz kinda thing, which left the ALDC without the lyrical routine that had previously been submitted to the competition.

Q.  What to do now?

A.  Check behind Door #2 and see what prize you find.

Side note:  Are these kids all backed up behind that studio door just waiting for their 15 minutes of face time or what?  As soon as Abby screamed for tiny Sarah Hunt to come into the studio, she was there.  Like…instantly.  Almost like teleportation, if you want to keep with the sci-fi theme.

It must look like a spandex-y (…is that a word?…) log jam of hyperventilating baby dancers on the other side of that wall just waiting to hear their name called.

Come on down!  You’re the next player!

You remember Sarah.  She cried all the time.  Especially on buses.  A real cutie, but I always get nervous around little kids who cry so hard they can’t breath, because the last thing you want to do is perform CPR on somebody with UglyCryingNose.

Google it.  It’s gross.  And wet.

And then her Mom Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) barreled into the studio.  If you put your ear to the ground you could have probably heard her coming into town like a western stage coach stampede.

Great.  Another loud Mom.

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I’m not sure if we need to call her CHRIST-y anymore, since there is only one Christi now.  Especially on a religious diversity episode.  They’re never really clear on what protocol to follow every time Abby drives a Mom out of the building.

Jessalynn and Christy pig piled right on top of each other as soon as they hit the Perch.  Christy thought she was better than Jessalynn.  Jessalynn thought she was better than Christy.  They both smack talked each other’s kid, which is not cool.

Let’s be real.  If you popped their heads off like Barbie dolls and swapped them on each other’s bodies they would still be the exact same person with different hair color, so I’m not really sure why they didn’t hit it off better.  I think these issues go deeper than just Walmart.

Jessalynn also likes her catch phrases.  You know they’re catch phrases when Lifetime tweets them out.  Check ‘em out when you have time.

Around now was when Maddie called in from Hollywood.  She was with her Aunt Renee, who seemed very good at chaperoning but not so great at remembering to bring Maddie’s hairbrush.  Or maybe I’ve just never had to learn four dance routines in one day.

Maybe that’s it.  I apologize for my jealousy.

Abby put Maddie on speaker and basically trash talked all the other girls like a Boss until Sia told her girl to get off the damn phone.  Time is Money in Hollywood.  Chop Chop.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy bus crowd arrival time.

Lawd.  These tweeny bop fans are bonkers.  I’m probably just jealous (…again…) that I never got to run down a sidewalk high-fiving everyone when I was in 5th grade….but still.

Bonkers.

Backstage, there was no sign of Abby.  Nada.

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No Maddie = No Abby?  Hmmmm.

Holly questioned Gianna, but didn’t get any solid response.  If you DVR’d the show and don’t have much time, just fast forward to the part where Holly is sewing stuff into Nia’s head and goes “Well, some people have priorities, mmmmmkay?”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Book me a chair at Dr. Beyoncé’s House Of Hair right now.  I mean it.

Sarah’s solo was good.  Jessalynn said she wasn’t strong enough to dance at the YMCA, but I enjoyed it.  JoJo’s solo was classic JoJo.

Abby finally decided to show up, walking down the aisle like she was Ellen Degeneres‘ Oscar Night Pizza Guy or something.  The crowd went nuts and I started craving pepperoni.  Miss Abby does like her entrances.  And her pizza, I bet.

She was just in time for MackZ’s ‘Boom Boom’ solo, which I think was supposed to be an Ariana Grande ‘Bang Bang’ solo…but “Back seat of my car I’ll let you have it” doesn’t really make sense when you’re doing circular handstands, if you know whaddimean.

Back in the makeup room, the Moms tried to figure out what took Abby so long to get to the venue.  Something about traffic and court dates and the usual roundabout non-answer answers.  She’s getting pretty good at that.

And then I rolled on my remote and was suddenly watching CNN.  And they were interviewing a little muslim girl in a burqa.  I swear.  She was right there.

At first I was all like That’s a cute little muslim girl in a burqa.  Where’d my remote go?”  

And then I was all like “Why is that CNN anchor putting fake eye lashes on that little muslim girl in a burqa?  Is that a thing now?”

And then I realized it was JoJo in a burqa and I was all like…

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(Special thanks to @SnarkyBot for letting me plagiarize his plagiarized gif.)

I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole thing.  But again, wrong blog for this.  They’d catch flak for NOT including a little girl in a burqa, probably more so than for including her in a diversity themed dance.  The point was to show different religions expressing different beliefs, but still being able to come together as one.

Plus they only have six kids on the payroll.

So again…take it to the chat rooms.

On the other hand, Kira and Jill were pretty excited that JoJo couldn’t talk, so in an oddly ironic religious moment, all our prayers were answered.

Don’t you worry, tho.  There were plenty of other religious costumes to keep the chat rooms buzzing.  MackZ was even dressed up as the tiniest Nun I’ve ever seen.  Even the Flying One was bigger.

Note to our Catholic school friends:  Only the cool nuns BeDazzle their habits, so don’t expect to see that when you walk into homeroom.  Lower your expectations, please.

The group number came off much better on stage than it had back at the ALDC, but unfortunately the new and the old girls were still to new and old to mesh perfectly.  They did great, and Sasha Nia killed it with another Spoken Word routine.  But the judges only gave them Second Place.

Which is the First Loser, as you’ll recall.

Hey.  Was that Melanie in the audience?  Another AUDC alum?  Haley Huelsman‘s Mom?  Nobody else in America has that hair.  I think it was her.  Hey, girl.

Side note:  True Story.  When Melanie was in Boston for a dance recital, she walked right past me in the food court with some crazy a** sparkeld-up denim Mom jeans and knocked over my diet Coke with her massive handbag.

Never even offered to clean it up or pay for it.

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Granted, she didn’t actually know that she did it because she was too busy yakking it up with her posse.  But still.  It’s the principle of the thing.  And it’s a true story.

She owes me $1.89.  Plus tax.

When it was over, Sarah took First Place in her Mini Bite-Sized solo division.  See?  Told you so.  Trophies are way better than tears, honey.  Now go to the back of the bus and wipe your nose.

JoJo took home Third Place for her high voltage ‘Electricity’ routine, while MackZ Boom Boomed herself right into First Place.  We finally got her out of that Bumblebee costume, now we just gotta get her out of those circus handstands.

But coming in Second for the ALDC is not acceptable.  At least in Abby’s book, so the whole thing collapsed pretty quickly backstage.  Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with Second Place.  It makes you stronger and gives you incentive to get better and better and apply yourself to succeed and improve on what you’re already good at.

I just can’t get Abby to agree.  Which in turn always gets all the Moms worked up.  To the point where Jessalynn even talked a little smack about kids while kids were still in the room, which is a No-Go ever since Kelly slapped the TMZ right outta Abby last season.

Yikes.

So all the Moms went at it one last time, until only Holly and Jessalynn were left standing.

And who do you think won that one?  Any money on my girl?

Don’t be fooled by the PhDs that I got.  I’m still, I’m still Holly from the Block.

Love her.

Bronx Cheer, everyone.

See you next week.

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Dance Moms: The ALDC Stomps The Yard When Abby Gets Served. Nobody Knows The Mama Drama I’ve Seen.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

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Srsly? Another parking ticket? Are you people blind? My freakin’ name’s on the damn sign.

 

 

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Everybody knows the curlier it gets, the crazier I get. And do you see these ends right now?

 

 

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Check out this loot! A Walmart truck tipped over on the highway. There was s*** everywhere!

 

 

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Side Eyes is the new Crazy Eyes, sweetie. I see you and your little crown over there. Yes, I do…

 

 

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Never understood this Bump-It thing. Is there something in there or does she just puff it up?

 

 

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Own your words and then explain what happened to all the puppies in these cages.

 

 

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Gimme Face. Flirty. Like you’re trying to bribe a civil judge. Hypothetically, of course…

 

 

 

FYI.

Don’t bother packing your ALDC sunglasses.

Trust me.  You won’t be needing them.  Not this week.

Because…oh, Hunty.  The SHADE.

You might need your Dance Moms Library card, tho.

Because, Gurrl…somebody’s ’bout to read you like an overdue book.

And now that I’ve exhausted two of my best Real Housewives of RuPaul references, let’s get the party started, shall we?  We’ve got a lot of ground to cover.

The shizzle all hit the DanceFan in the first four seconds of this week’s episode when a proud member of the Pennsylvania Judicial System showed up at the ALDC front desk to serve Abby Lee Miller with papers.  Legal papers.  Scary legal papers.

Yup.  Kelly and Paige‘s big TMZ lawsuit.

The producers tried to blur his face out like they do Melissa‘s mouth when she swears, but you could still tell that the Court Officer looked like one of the little old men they always put into Pixar movies.  He probably plays chess in the park when he’s not telling people they’re getting sued.  Or ties balloons to his house and flies over the Grand Canyon.

He managed to zig zag his way around a studio full of cameramen and production people all bumping into each other, handed off the paperwork and then told Abby to have a nice day.  Which was hilarious, considering the way the rest of her day would actually go now.

Side note:  There were a lot of random, panicked behind the scenes people tripping over each other and walking in front of the cameras this week.  A lot.

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It was like the old Bugs Bunny cartoon when they would all try to put on a song and dance show (…“Night of  Nights!”…) but the camera tripods would keep tipping over and spot lights would crash down from the ceiling right before one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick came swinging into a shot.

Like that.  But without the talking rabbit or anyone taking an anvil to the head.

Not yet, anyway.

Abby was so distraught after the officer left that she ran out into the parking lot and was met up by all the Moms and their tiny dancers.  They couldn’t believe what just went down.

Melissa was all like WhatHappenedWhatHappened?  Holly was all like ShutUpNoWay.  Jill was all like AwHellNahKelly.  (My MomCrush looking on point, BTW.)

 And I was all like WhyDoesAbbyNeedHerOwnParkingSpotWithASign?

Side note:  You can tell that Holly is one of those people who refuses to make two trips into the house with her groceries, because she was carrying more stuff in the parking lot than she could handle.  Purse, water bottle, phone, something under her arm, hot rollers, dance bag, half of Nia‘s junk and who knows what else.  Love her.

After some tears and a closer look at Dr. Beyoncé’s new on-trend eye makeup palette, everyone headed inside for the Pyramid of Shame.  Everyone except Kira and Kalani, that is, who were late.  Yup.  Late.  On their second week back at the ALDC.

According to my excel spreadsheet (…because I keep track of these kind of things, you know…) it was right about here that Holly began her week of Not Taking Any Crap No Mo’.

Emotions had already been running high this season (…all one episode of it…) thanks to the loss of Christi and Chloe and the residual fall out of a dwindling team.  All the Moms were on edge and trying hard to process this new reality while balancing the needs of what was best for their children with the potential move to ALDC LA.

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Sticking up for yourself.  Sticking up for your child.  Standing strong for your beliefs.

Whatever you want to call it.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Back inside, K & K showed up.  Apparently, they don’t have traffic lights in Arizona.

Kalani always looks so smiley and pretty, even when Holly checked her watch like a Hall Monitor.  Once a principal, always a principal, I guess.

Bottom of the Pyramid was a Ziegler Tag Team.  Maddie and Mackenzie.  I think Mackenzie was down there because her old pouty, kissy-face headshot didn’t match her new gangstah MackZ persona.  And it doesn’t really matter where Maddie is on the Pyramid anymore because she danced with Sia.

Twice.

Which is two more times than you have.

Middle tier was home to Nia and Kendall, with Kalani coming in on top.  Clearly, punctuality is not a determining factor in Pyramid placement.

This week the gang was headed to Detroit for the Energy Dance Competition, which was home to former ALDC Dance Mom and (…alleged…) current ALDC Stalker Jeanette Cota and her daughter Ava.

You remember them.  Ava was the one who got cut from the new ALDC Team last season and never knew it.  The one who got cut and then kept showing up for work like she was some kind of tenured university professor or something.

We liked them.  You know how I roll.  The crazier the better.

Maddie and Kalani both scored solos.  Something that Abby called The Match-Up of the Century.  Like it was a pay-per-view Maddie vs. Kalani Cage Fight or something.  av

Something that the entire world had been waiting for.

Umm.  No disrespect intended, because both girls can dance, but I think there are probably a few other things going on in the world right now that might knock their one night only Death Match off the CNN scroll.  But whatever, Abby.

It didn’t really matter, because the big deal was going to be a ‘Stomp The Yard’ group dance based on the redoinkulously popular Orange Is The New Black television show.  Every one went nuts when they heard the news.  Except for Holly, who was saving all her nuts so she could completely lose them all at once later in the episode.

Again, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Up in the MomPerch, Holly was just getting warmed up as she confronted Kira.  She nailed Kalani’s Mom on tardiness, on thinking she was more special than she was and for jumping on and off the ALDC Mothership whenever the mood struck her.

One:  I live for this new background music that the producers have snuck into these scenes.  How much do you think they had to pay Survivor and Days of Our Lives for those little snippets?

And Two:  Holly ’bout made me fall back into my pew a few times up there.

Preach, Girl.  Just Preach.

The next day, Abby must have heard me, because all the girls were back in the studio to get new head shots before they left for Hollywood.

The short version of the story is that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani got more camera time than the other girls, even though Abby had committed to a strict no-exceptions 15 minute limit for everyone.  Melissa brought more clothes for one class picture than two little girls should even own and yet the only thing that really surprised me was that Casa Ziegler doesn’t have color-coordinated hangers from the Container Store.

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I don’t know why, but I just imagined Melissa as being the kind of person who has all matchy-matchy hangers at home, so I was really surprised when she showed up with two arm loads of mismatched tops from Goodwill.  Where do you even get wire hangers?

Naturally, when it came time for Nia’s shot, Abby left the room and Holly made a HollyFace.  Or two.  Or a million.

But Nia rocked it.  Give that girl some lip gloss and a paper clip and she could break into a bank.  You go, Sasha.  You just go.

Did I mention that Abby whispered to the Head Shot Lady that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani were the only three that would get jobs in the future?  Because she did.  And some other Moms heard it.  Yikes.

Back in the MomPerch, we learned that Kira creeps other people’s Facebook pages and Melissa got an email from Elle Magazine.  Initially, I wasn’t too impressed since I get those subscription emails all the time, until she clarified that they wanted Maddie for a photo spread and article.

Fine.  You win.  Again.

And then Holly got the most random call from Jeanette.  Because if you’re going to stalk people, it’s important that you have all their contact information loaded into your blocked cell phone at all times, right?

Wait.  What?

Jeanette let Holly know that what Abby did to her daughter was sooooo wrong and that she was coming for her.  And then they played some more Days of Our Lives music.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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What happened to the ALDC’s matching Louis bags?  Remember those?  Everyone was walking into Detroit with Forever 21 sacks and whatever else they could find in the house.

And how about Jeanette and that Broadway Dance Academy Welcome Team?  And that one girl who didn’t get the memo to wear her Sound of Music/Children of the Corn hair braids?  Did you see that?

They were too young to be Stepford Wives, but if they were older they would have totally been Stepford Wives.  Not creepy at all.

To stir things up before the show even got started, Jeanette busted right into the ALDC makeup room with a lady that I’m pretty sure was Phoebe from the TV show Friends.  Or at least Phoebe’s Mom or older sister.  How freaky was that?

There was some screaming back and forth and then Abby called out Phoebe for wearing a top that was longer than the jacket she had chosen as a layering piece, because when you’re going down in a fight you grab for any gun you can find, I guess.

Side note:  I didn’t have the heart to tell Abby that Isaac Mizrahi was just on QVC last week saying that longer shirts were so NOW, darling.  Really.  Am I right?

Since Abby didn’t trust Jeanette’s backstage antics anymore than she trusted her friend’s fashion sense, she followed her ALDC Team into the wings to watch the solos from a new vantage point.  All the other dance companies got a little giggly and spent more time watching Abby yell across the stage than they did watching their own team.  There were so many people back there.  Totally above fire code.

Not gonna lie.  I even thought I saw the Bring It! girls for a second and almost lost it.

DD4L!

And where do they get these judges?  And why haven’t I been asked to guest judge yet?  I swear one of them was from that Toni Braxton show.  And the other one had on the same outfit that Prince wore when I saw him in concert.

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Ava’s solo was nothing but legs.  She is so tall.  Holy tall, Batman.  Or maybe she just has really long legs.  Kira called her a praying mantis, which was kind of mean in a truthfully kind of mean way.  But you really shouldn’t pick on kids.

Kalani’s solo kinda sorta reminded me of Brooke‘s old acrobatic routines every once in awhile.  Except that Kira’s hands didn’t have third degree hot glue gun burns on them like Kelly’s.  These Moms are clearly not making their kid’s costumes anymore.

Quick pause here to mention how much we miss them Hylands.  Hey, girls.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo that was supposed to be based on Abby’s current situation(s) but it completely went over my head.  It was a Maddie dance.  And it was good.  And she’s really  grown up since last season.

Then Jeanette stormed the castle again, but instead of Phoebe from Friends I think she brought that makeup lady Adrien Arpel from HSN.

Or it could have been Gina, the owner of Energy Dance.  But she sure looked like Adrien.  And honestly, if either of them can really take five years off the wrinkles in my face without a needle, I don’t care how severely blunt their bangs are.

Jeanette accused Abby of harassing her daughter backstage.  Blah to the blah to the blah.

But, seriously.  Can we talk about that group number?  Dang.

Orange is the New Black, yo.  It was off the ankle shackle chain.

Granted, you knew Nia would end up with the bantu knots in her hair.  But it was better than the Halloween afros Abby used to plop on her head and I got to learn what a bantu knot was called.  And when did Nia grow up and get so sassy?  Hashtag TeamNia.

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Nia wrecked the stage.  Like it was Dance Off: The Sequel.  Even Maddie toughened up, which was pretty exciting since I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go watching her end every one of her dances in that same glamour shot pose.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t end the whole thing on a high note.  When the scores were handed out, Abby felt the competition was rigged and everything fell apart.

Backstage, Abby asked Kendall to walk into the room the same way she would walk into a Hollywood casting call office.  Kendall failed the test and then…yeah.

Boom.

Abby called Jill a Bad Mother.  Kendall cried.  Nia stood up for all the girls in the room.

And then Holly lost all her stored up nuts.  All at once.

I don’t blame her.  But I can’t do it justice.

Sometimes you just gotta stand up for what you believe in.  Especially if someone sticks their hand in your cave and tries to hurt your babies.

It went down.  All the way Down.  Town.

Maybe some time in the future when I’m not so emotionally drained we can discuss it in depth.  Especially the part where the entire Lifetime production crew ran out of the room like someone had just pulled the fire alarm.  They know Holly don’t play.

But not now.

And probably not next week.

I need to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming episode.

Because this is totally happening…

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Dance Moms: All The First Ladies…Put Your Hands Up! In DC, The Politics Of Dancing Give Chloe Her Revenge.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

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You need to stop hating on us New Moms. That strap looks exactly like a real Louis bag.

 

 

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What you need to do is give those tiny shorts back to your daughter and then maybe we can talk .

 

 

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If I had known that slapping her really voids your contract, Kelly and I would be at Disneyland today.

 

 

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Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie

 

 

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They were booty shorts. I used to send kids home with a note for hoochin’ up in those things.

 

 

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Do you think they’re coming back or can we start working on those mozzarella sticks over there?

 

 

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So am I the only one concerned that it says ‘suck’ and ‘flank’ on the board behind me? Really?

 

 

 

And so it begins.  Again.

The Road to Nationals.

Get used to hearing it.  A lot.

It’s a pretty big deal.  At least according to the Dance Moms Advisory System, because we’re already at Threat Level: Orange and there are still five weeks to go.

And you could tell, because as soon as Abby Lee Miller activated the Countdown Clock, everyone started running around like they were Jack Bauer trying to single handedly intercept a Candy Apples drone strike aimed directly at the ALDC.

I actually suggested to Lifetime TV that they incorporate the 24:Live Another Day digital ticker before every commercial break leading up to Nationals, but they haven’t responded yet.  I also suggested they pay me to write these hilarious recaps and send me advance DVD copies of each episode so I can get some sleep on Tuesday nights, but that hasn’t happened either.  I must have the wrong email address.

Regardless, even when Cathy Nesbitt-Stein has your studio in the crosshairs of an impending launch sequence, there’s still time for a quick Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for the latest reveal, the room was almost filled to capacity.  The Original Recipe Moms and dancers were once again joined by most of the New Select Moms and their offspring.  Hiatus is over.  Back to work, New People.

Reunited and it feels so good.

They were coming out of the woodwork.  Moms For Miles, which should totally be the name of a charity walk if it’s not already.

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Future City Council wife Loree and Jade were still hanging with the Original Moms, so the scale was tipped a little heavy on the Elite Team side of the room, which didn’t go unnoticed by the Select Moms.

Side note:  Every time they called themselves the Select Moms all I could think of was low-sodium soup or that dog food you have to cut with a knife.

Have you ever seen Freshpet Select at the store?  You should Google it.  It looks exactly like the Pillsbury Tollhouse Cookie sausage that you cut and bake.

Except that it’s dog food.

Trust me, you do not want to confuse the two when you’ve got the munchies at 3am after stumbling home from a frat party.  At least that’s what a friend told me, I mean.

At the Pyramid, there was only one Christi this week, so it was easier to keep track of who said what snarky thing to Abby.

Christi #1 was there behind Chloe.  Kristie #2 was off doing that Raising Asia show with the guy from Fame who used to have a mullet.  And Christ-y #3 was still banned from the studio and was presumably back home somewhere taking out the garbage.

Seriously.  This show sure has a lot of Christies.

Jeanette and Ava were back after spending time shopping at (…legally required disclaimer…) Not-Forever 21.  Tami and tiny Tea’ were also standing there, getting all OhNoYou’reNotStayingWithTheOldTeam as soon as they saw Loree.

My girl Kamryn even took a breather from over-achieving and managed to find some time to pop on another glitzy headband and hang with her New Team homies.  Mom Jodi was behind her looking all proud of the Kia Kamster’s recently awarded Nobel Peace Prize, even though she could barely see over her daughter’s head.

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Tracy and Sarah (…no ‘R’ needed this week since the other Sarah was MIA…) were also in the line-up, though I don’t think this Sarah actually talked during the entire episode.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MackZ, Chloe and Nia.  Middle row: Jade and Kendall.   

Jade had a really gorgeous headshot that thankfully didn’t incorporate fans or anything that would make Mom say “She looks the part” again.  How odd was that last week?

And then Maddie was at the top.  Rinse and Repeat.

FYI…just so you know.  I have it from a reliable source that they had to reshoot part of this scene because Holly‘s hip hop majorette outfit was showing underneath her long blue dress.  It’s true.  You could totally see the silver fringe.

I told you when Dr. Beyoncé started wearing her hair all clipped and swept to one side that I knew something was up.  That’s some serious Bring It! hair if I’ve ever seen it.

DB4L!

It was also nice to see that Melissa and my MomCrush Jill had finally worked out an arrangement where they would alternate who wore the Bump-It so there was no more unnecessary competition in that category.  You go, Mrs. Z-G and all your big hair.

Jackin’ it to Jesus like they used to say on Toddlers & Tiaras.

This week the mob scene was headed to Washington, DC for the Believe Dance Competition.  Ava scored a ‘Drizzle’ solo (…like the rain, not the ice cream syrup…) which got her very excited.  Maddie was also handed a solo which was going to be set to music written specifically for her, because apparently she is now also an inspiration to songwriters as well as all the kids down at Miss Tina’s School of Tap.

(Spoiler Alert:  You just wait till this song lady shows up.)

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Miley Cyrus licked a sledge hammer and sat naked on a Wrecking Ball to beat out Sia at the VMAs this week, BTW.  Which was not cool.  Not cool at all.  Maddie was robbed.

The New Team would dance a group routine entitled ‘First Ladies’ which was right up Loree’s alley if you’ve ever seen her Bucket List.  But unfortunately she and Jade stayed with the Old Team, which would be doing a number called ‘America Gone.’

Side note:  I’m calling them Old and New from now on, because I keep losing track of Elite and Select and Junior Elite and Junior Select and Normal ALDC labels.  This show has really gotten to be a lot or work lately.

Oh.  And Chloe got booted to the New Team to balance things off a little.

Christi Meltdown in 3…2…1.

As the New Moms hit the Old MomPerch (…see how much work this is now?…) the Old Moms (…no offense intended…) and one relocated New Mom headed outside for some fresh air and smack talk.

Honestly, I don’t even remember what they talked about before they went back inside because they were all standing in front of a new secret door that we’d never seen before.  What is that?  With the pink awning?  Did you see that?  Is that a yogurt place?  Because that would be awesome after a long rehearsal.  It didn’t match the ALDC door, so now I need to know what’s going on over there.

Remember how the Candy Apples joint had that secret attached beef jerky store that we never saw until Chloe put on a meat dress?  Maybe that’s a thing now.  (Lucrative side businesses…not meat dresses.)

Anyone reading this in Pittsburgh who can scoot over on their lunch break and tell me what the dealio is?  I’d be forever grateful and I’ll even cover your mileage if it’s a hike.

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The next day, ALL the Moms ended up outside again.  The Old ones and the New ones.  And we probably need to talk about these shorty shorts that Jeanette and Tami insist on wearing every day.

What the what?  OMG.  Mom, you’re embarrassing me.  Totes McGotes Embar.

You know Holly was dying inside.  Dying.  Jill, on the other hand, didn’t even try to hide her smirk and just made me love her more.  When she pretends to be having issues with her bangs…that’s VertesCode for Hot Mess.

And what’s with the pervy camera man who always shoots them from behind every time they wear those things?  Cuz he does.  You saw it.  And I saw it.  Remember when Tami threw down in the lobby and then walked outside?  Butt shot.

And he did it again this time as the Old Moms went inside and the New Moms wandered off into the distance.  And where do they keep going that they always need to walk away from the building in the middle of taping?

I’ll bet you a FroYo with sprinkles from the pink awning store that next week it’s in slow motion like Baywatch.

Rant is over.  Moving on.

Clearly, shifting Chloe to the New Team had really gotten under Christi’s skin, because she didn’t let up for a minute about how they were all now set up to fail.  She was super-sizing her negativity this week.  Ava is the sacrificial lamb going up against Maddie and Jade.  Blah Blah.  And one more Blah.

And then Rachel Sage showed up to celebrate National Maddie Day by singing a special Maddie Song.  And it was…colorful.

Google her.  We loved her.  She’s a SoHo BoHo WhoaNo independent visual artsy singer songwriter type who looks exactly like you’d imagine someone would look if they had filmed Blue’s Clues in Greenwich Village and made a puppet out of construction paper and glitter that came to life once you found the magic unicorn dust.

Exactly like that.  But with a flower in her hair.

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She was borderline obsessed with Maddie and had written her a coffee shop guitar song with a chorus that went something like “None of the other girls matter.”  I forget exactly.

Everyone was a little WhoaNoSheDin’tJustSingThat.  Especially Christi, who was really not having a good week.  But Rachel meant well.  I even put on my felt beret and finger snapped when she was done.  It’s a look that I might hold on to for Fall until it gets cold.

As the competition got closer, Christi got crankier, Ava fumbled around with her drizzly umbrella prop and Loree invited all the New Moms to lunch so they could discuss why everyone thought she was a traitor.

Side note:  Jeanette wore a Not-Forever 21 top in an interview sniglet that had a big knife gash across the chest, which I sincerely hope didn’t happen when she was alone in the parking lot wearing those booty shorts.  Maybe that’s why they always travel in packs.  I’d hate for anything to happen to any of them.

Should probably also mention that somedays Jeanette has some seriously curly Flashdance hair going on up there.  Just needed to be addressed.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like her.  She’s kinda crazy.  I’m just not sure what kind of crazy she is yet.

At the New Mom luncheon, two Old Moms snuck in as back-up for Loree.  Jill and Melissa joined them either to stir the pot or have some free wings on Loree’s dime, neither of which went over very well with the New Moms.

Apparently all the drama stemmed from the fact that the New Moms had been together a whole whopping TWO weeks before the hiatus and now Loree couldn’t understand why they still weren’t all Besties.

Two weeks?  Really?  Honey, when I was a freshman in college and lived in a triple at the dorm I didn’t even know my third roommate’s name for a month.  Take it down a notch.

Luckily, Melissa forgot to put quarters in the meter and the three of them left as soon as they got there, so not much was accomplished aside from leaving way too many untouched tasty appetizers on the table.

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Gah.  There are starving kids in Boston, ladies.

I don’t even know what kind of tulle ballet skirt looking thing Christi was wearing in the next MomPerch scene when she threw Jeanette to the Abby Wolves down in the studio, so we just need to skip this one completely.  I’m serious.

Bonus Points to Gianna for either being aggressively firm in her Pro-Umbrella stance or being a total beeotch when Jeanette tried to get the prop taken out of Ava’s dance.  The jury is still out on that one, but clearly…Gia don’t play.  Triple points, actually.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Umbrellagate.

Did they switch umbrellas in the middle of the routine?  Did they film two versions and fake out the part where it turned inside out on stage?  Why did it look like a lighter blue by the end of Ava’s dance?

So many unanswered questions that everyone posted on Twitter with incorrect spelling last night.  Oy Vey.

I dunno.  But Ava’s umbrella popped inside out like it does to me every time I come around the corner by Burger King.  You’d think I’d learn by now, because even when I don’t do a split into a belly arch my umbrella still reverses itself and I’m out another $3.99.

Yes, I buy the cheap ones from the Lotto place when it starts raining.  Don’t you judge me.

Backstage, Abby went bazoinkers.  Ava sat on her Mom’s lap (…what?…) and fanned herself with her hand like she was getting all verklempt at a Barbra Streisand concert.

I swear to Gawd she did that.

Get off yo’ Mama!  (Abby said that, not me…)

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Both group routines were comparable in skill set and level of difficulty (…and you said I could never be a judge…) but the New Team ended up winning First Place.  Again.

Which totally should have been given to Melissa and Jill for the MomDance they busted out in the seats.

I told them they should have been entered in the Duet category, not Group.  They never listen to me anymore ever since that one time I suggested Jill dye her hair blonde.  One time I mess up.  One time.

The Old Team came in Second, but only by 1/10th of a point, which I don’t even know how you’d calculate without one of Kamryn’s NASA calculators and eleven fingers.

Ava came in Third Place and had a really good cry backstage.  Some little girl they refused to show placed Second.  And then Maddie took home the trophy for her bluesy Blue’s Clues routine.  I snapped again with both hands (…Richy Jackson would have been so proud…) and then popped an espresso K-Cup into my new Keurig.

There were also some oddball editing moments where people’s hats were on and then off and then on again.  (Yeah…I’m talking to you, Ava.)

Somebody upstairs needs to stop staring at Tami’s a** and pay attention to continuity.

Holly’s hair never really held a curl this week, so you know the drama must have been pretty low key.  Next week looks a little more bouncy.

Abby invited Tea’ to come back to the ALDC again.  Which meant that Tami would probably also be back again.

Which meant that Tami just did the exact same thing that she dissed Loree for doing the week prior.  Now who’s the traitor?

And that loud church lady will be back, too.

You heard it here first.

And now I’m overheating just thinking about it.

Pardon me while I go fan myself.

hf


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