Posts Tagged ‘Kalani Hilliker’

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part Two. Time For The ALDC To Say Buh Bye To Hollywood.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2015

t1

 

 

Trust me, girlfriend. You do not want me to get all gangsta on your a** and start Googling s***!

 

 

k1

 

 

Keep it up, Bitch and I’ll max out your credit cards so fast they’ll never let you back in Target.

 

 

jv

 

 

 

Wait. What?

 

 

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I said Sasha got this under control. I just need to know where my three backup dancers be at…

 

 

mj

 

 

Really. What if my face sticks like this and then I can never close my mouth again? Arrested?

 

 

h

 

 

I’ve never actually watched this show before. Have these ladies always been this crazy? Shoot.

 

 

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No. Srsly, Barbie. She’s not turning around until you stuff those things back in your dress.

 

 

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Help, Ethel! This loaf of bread is almost as long as one of JoJo’s stories! Waaah!

 

 

 

Turn Up The Track, yo.

And then maybe dial down the Mama Drama a bit if you could.

Cuz that would be great.  Saying goodbye is hard enough without all this screaming and swearing going on in the background.  Especially all the swearing.

That’s just nasty.  And with the kids still in the room.

But that’s exactly what happened this week when the Dance Moms started packing up all their leotards, cold shoulder tops and dreams of stardom and got ready to bid adieu to California and head back to the Reality they call Pittsburgh.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood, e’rrybody.  Part Deux.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our heroes and heroines (…same Bat Time, same Bat S*** Crazy Channel…) they were all in the midst of filming MattyB‘s Whitest Boy To Ever Rap In A 1950s Doo Wop Diner music video.

(True Fact:  That was the actual working title before someone decided to cut it down to “Turn Up The Track” so it wouldn’t eat up so many characters on Twitter.)

The More You Know, kids.

The girls were still dressed in their pink waitress uniforms.  MattyB’s hair was still perfect and he still had his feet on the same diner counter where people eat their dinner.

(Relax.  The little squirt is so squeaky clean that it’s probably impossible for germs to even adhere to his body.  It’s MattyB’s World, you know.  We just live in it.)

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And most importantly, Abby Lee Miller was still freaking out that Melissa had signed away Mackenzie‘s college tuition by allowing her daughter to perform in the video without top billing and a backstage rider of dressing room demands.

Because Mackenzie isn’t Mackenzie anymore, you know.  She’s pop star MackZ.

The biggest pop star in the universe, apparently.  At least that was the impression Abby gave everyone as she tried to get MattyB’s DaddyB to void the contract and give MackZ a trailer stocked with room temperature Perrier and a bowl of hand-sorted green M&Ms.

Because she’s a pop star now.  Just like Lady Gaga.  Which I guess explains why Lady Gaga is making the switch to Tony Bennet swing standards and Sound of Music medleys.

Clearly there isn’t room at the top of the charts for more than one Diva.  I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Mariah.  

Abby threatened to pull MackZ.  And then she threatened to pull Maddie, who wasn’t even legit in the video to start with, BTW.  But she’s all Famous Amos now, too.

Side note for all the Maddie Fans out there:  You might as well leave now and beat traffic, because for the second week in a row your girl didn’t do anything for an entire episode except stand there wearing red lip stick.  I swear.  Phoned it in again.

With two Zieglers out of the picture, the whole thing quickly escalated into a heated discussion on integrity, character and honoring your commitments.  The rest of the girls and their Moms had all agreed to help out MattyB (…whose freakin’ social media hits probably jumped from One Billion to Two Billions at some point during the arguing just because they kept saying his damn name…) and they weren’t walking off the job.

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That’s why they call it Honoring Your Commitments.  Duh.

Except for my MomCrush Jill, who sided with Melissa and Abby and pulled Kendall from the video as well.  She’s still my MomCrush, tho.  And honestly, at this point I’m more concerned that she was overlooked again for Season 20 of Dancing With The Stars.

Oh.  And I lied.  Maddie did have one line.  She told her Mom that she had just ruined the whole day.  Normally, I don’t condone mouthing off to your Mama for any reason, but it was subtitled like Honey Boo Boo Child and that always makes me laugh.

Just don’t make a habit of it, sweetie.

Sarah R (…who is now just plain Sarah…) stayed for the video shoot, along with Nia, Brynn and JoJo.  The New Moms stood united with Holly.

Spoiler Alert:  Get the kids out of the room before Brynn’s Mom Ashlee puts on her spanx and pink micro dress at the competition.  Trust me.  Just do it.

The next day, Holly and Nia shared a Mother/Daughter Moment in the Enterprise rental as they drove to the studio.  Dr. Beyoncé knew that they would catch some attitude from Abby after participating in MattyB’s video, but it was important that Nia learn the importance of holding your head high and sticking to what you believe is right.

Which I guess is more important than the fact that you just parked in a spot clearly designated for customers of the local dry cleaner.

Seriously.  Did anyone else see that?  Now you know I love me some Holly.  L to the O to the V to the E.  But how did she miss that giant yellow cement thing that had ‘cleaners’ stenciled on it?  Was it just me?  It’s not like it was raining and she just got her hair did.

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Because then it would be ok.  Cuz, you know…you just got your hair did.

Inside, Abby definitely copped some ‘tude with Holly and the rest of the video Moms.  But Holly wasn’t engaging in negativity today.  She just scratched her nose like you used to do in grade school when you wanted to flip somebody off but pretended to just scratch your nose.  Again…L to the O to the V to the E.

I’m quite enjoying this protective, rebellious Holly.  The new and improved 2015 model.

Then it was actually back to the ‘Dance’ part of Dance Moms.

MackZ and JoJo rehearsed their I Love Lucy routine.  MackZ seemed to have her act together, considering that she was in two group routines and a duet this week.  But she’s a pop star now, you know, so…

JoJo on the other hand, was straight up Lucy Ricardo, bumping into things and going in the wrong direction like she was coming down the stairs in a giant showgirl headpiece or something.  (Remember that episode?  Hilarious.)  JoJo clearly had some ‘splaining to do by the time Gianna and her big choreographer’s scarf came over to fix that hot mess.

Abby told JoJo to make sure she checked out TV Land so she might better understand the whole Lucy phenom, but the little tyke had already had done so and proved it by reciting (…in its entirety…word for word…for word…) the episode when Lucy and Ethel baked that gigantic loaf of bread.

And the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And the bread pushed her all the way to the other side of the kitchen.  And then it kept expanding.  And then it kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

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And my bow is so tight I don’t even know where I am right now.

Abby’s face, tho.

Kalani and Sarah were up next with their Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding Olympic smackdown duet.  If you’ve forgotten the actual attack video, or are too young to even know what I’m talking about, you totally need to Google it right now.

Because it’s a youtube classic.

And it’s also exactly how I act every Monday morning when I realize that the weekend is over and I really have to go back to work.

Picture it.  Me.  Laying on the floor.  Snacks everywhere.  Crying.  Whyyyy?  Whyyyy?

Somewhere around this point was also when Kira and Tracey began their descent into madness.  They hate each other.  Like OMG totes hate each other.  And they can fling mud like two hungry pigs in the back of a barnyard once you poke ‘em.

Side note:  It’s probably too late to get the kids out of the room on such short notice, so I apologize for what just happened.  I had no idea that Kira was going to show up wearing skintight pleather leggings and hooker stilettos.  Because she did.

I also had no idea that she was now part of whatever musical touring company that is that does the show where the ladies all wear fishnets or pleather leggings and top hats and sit backwards on bar chairs.

Kira just cracks me up.  We like her a whole bunch, even though sometimes she tries too hard to be the new Kristie Ray.  Which.  Is.  Impossible.

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(Shout out to Asia‘s Mom.  Miss you.  Muah!)

Tracey got nasty and blurted out that Kira doesn’t even have custody of her own son, which was somehow supposed to relate to Kalani’s place on the ALDC.  Somehow.

Boom went the dynamite.

Don’t you DARE bring Jax (…the son…) into this!  Don’t you DARE bring Jax into this!

One.  Not cool, Tracey.  Not cool at all.  Family is off limits.  Especially kids.

Two.  If you don’t want your son brought into the argument, you probably shouldn’t keep saying his name 50 times like you were ’bout to cut a bitch on VH1.

And then the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Ashlee’s pink dress time.  When did this show go all 3D?

You might wanna hike the top of that thing up a little honey, because it looks like you’re running with scissors.  And with kids in the room, I tell you.

As the girls got into their respective duet costumes, Holly pulled up a front row seat for the Tracey and Kira Floor Show as the two ladies completely lost their noodles backstage.

You wanna go there?  You don’t wanna go there.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  The bread kept expanding and expanding until Tracey suddenly went from Bake Sale Mom to Bad Girls Club and got all OhNoYouDin’t with a finger wave and one of those MmmHmm head circles and two snaps in a Z formation screaming about Kira’s arrest record.

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Wait.  What?

Everyone started Googling police reports and TMZ videos and Smoking Gun mug shot pics on their cell phones and screaming about how Kira had a prior arrest for credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.  Arrested.  Credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.

And then Jill’s gum fell out of her mouth.

You really need to watch that scene a few times, paying special attention to Jill’s mouth and Holly’s entire HollyFace.

Holly doesn’t smoke (…and you shouldn’t either, kids…) but if she did you know she would’ve put her MattyB feet right up on that makeup table, lit up a Virginia Slim and watched the two of them go at it like it was the freakin’ Superbowl.

 L to the O…etc…

I don’t even remember how the argument ended, but it was probably when someone realized that the kids needed to be on stage five minutes ago and everyone scooted to their seats in the auditorium.

Arrested?  Close your mouth, Jill.  You’re catching flies.

Nancy and Tonya beat each other up on stage to the delight of everyone in the audience, with no real goobers or debilitating metal batons in the routine.

Lucy and Ethel started out ok, but then their music shut off.  Again.  Right in the middle of their dance.  Seriously?  Can somebody please teach Abby how to properly burn a CD or tell the judges to stop stepping on the iPod cords under the table every week?

How does this keep happening?

Backstage after all that silent movie drama, Abby asked JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn if she had even noticed that her daughter was facing backwards through most of the choreography.

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She had not.  Which Abby couldn’t believe, given the fact that Jessalynn is a dance teacher.  I don’t remember if I even knew that or not, but I certainly reacted like I had never heard it before.  Jessalynn?  Dancing?

And just so we’re clear:  Abby doesn’t tolerate mistakes, even though 92% of the CDs she hands in for competitions are 100% blank.

Go figure.

The Sad Clown group number was up next.  This is the routine that my MomCrush felt got all of Abby’s attention this week, even though most of the participants were not legal tender ALDC members.  She felt that the original team was neglected.

I felt that the buttons on the clown costumes looked like those candy dots you peel off wax paper.  But super-sized.  Which would be awesome.

And then Nia hit the stage with her backup dancers.  Because that’s exactly what happened.  Miss Thang owned that numbah.

Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soir.

Yaaaaaaasss, hunty!  Give me Moulin Rouge Face!  Yaaaaaaasss!  Yaaaaaaasss!

I know, right?  If everyone from Grey’s Anatomy can can cross over to other hospital shows, I don’t understand why Sasha Nia isn’t Death Dropping on Bring It! right now.

Why isn’t this a thing yet?  Lawd, my girl can Buck.

As Kira (…allegedly…) filled out a couple online applications for new black Amex Cards, the awards were handed out.  And that’s when it just got ugly.

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Lucy and Ethel only pulled a Fourth Place.  Some random team snagged First Place with a routine entitled ‘Thrift Shop, which I was bummed we didn’t get to see since I really like that song.

If you check the score sheets and do the math, that meant that Nancy and Tonya didn’t even place.  Because violence is never the answer, kids.

In the group category, (un)lucky Fourth Place again went to the ALDC for their Sad Clowns.  Despite the fact that the emcee was exceptionally excited and highly caffeinated, the Moulin Rouge number didn’t even place.  Nothing.  Nada.

That’s two no-shows in one competition, if you’re counting.

Backstage, everything went exactly as you’d expect it to go when the ALDC doesn’t win.

Hint:  Not good.

Abby realized that the girls were not ready to compete in Hollywood yet.  They needed to go back to Pittsburgh and regroup.  But not everyone.

I got a little concerned at first when Abby made it sound like anyone not going back to PA was going to be left in the lobby to die, but it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that.

Unfortunately, Sarah and her Mom were suddenly too old for the team and were sent home.  It was sad to see them go, especially since poor Sarah still had that pouty clown face thing happening, but it was also awkwardly hilarious the way Abby made them immediately grab their suitcases and exit the building like she was Donald Trump kicking Vivica Fox off Celebrity Apprentice.

Girl, bye.

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I’m pretty sure the two of them either got into a waiting yellow cab for their exit interview or just took off in Holly’s rental which you know was probably parked in a handicap spot.

Kidding.  Kidding.  We heart Holly.  And she would never do that.  That’s so wrong.

The rest of the girls made cuts by the skin of their teeth.  They were safe.

For now, anyway.

Despite the drama, the girls still learned a valuable lesson about integrity and commitment and how doing what’s right is a better reward than some shiny trophy.

Remember that.

As the splintered ALDC team gathered up all their toys and got ready to go home, Abby left all the remaining Moms with one piece of advice:  Don’t do to your kids what Christi did to hers.  Which was a little odd, considering that Chloe is making a name for herself at another studio now, traveling the world and rapidly gaining on MattyB’s Three Billion social media hits.  It’s not like she’s panhandling in front of Dunkin Donuts somewhere.

So it’s back to Pittsburgh now.

See you there, suckahs.

PS…Don’t forget Nia’s new song comes out next Tuesday.

If you’re looking for more backup dancers, you know where to find me, Boo.

Love you.  Mean it.

Buy bye, Hollywood.

xoxo

nj

Dance Moms: Bye Bye Pittsburgh! The ALDC Is Letting It Go One Last Time And Then Heading To Hollywood.

Wednesday, January 28th, 2015

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I was told this was Casual Friday, so I toned it down a bit. Normally there’s a sparkler in the bow.

 

 

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Gurl, I really wish we didn’t have that new “Don’t Pick On Little Kids” rule, cuz I could totally pop off right now.

 

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Let’s just hit these roots with a little Vidal SASSYoon and you’ll be good to go for another month.

 

 

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OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows! OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows! OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows!

 

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For tonight’s performance, the role of Christy Hunt will be played by Jessalynn Siwa.

 

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I swear I close my eyes at night and I can still hear that woman’s voice in my damn head.

 

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Can you hand me another Wet-Nap? I got some of that chick’s Krazy right in my eyeball.

 

 

 

Mic Check.

With apologies to Elsa and Idina, I give you the Dance Moms Fight Song:

          Let it go, let it go.

          Can’t hold it back anymore.

          Let it go, let it go.

          Turn away and slam the door.*

(*After declaring “I’m Done!” at least four times.  Bonus Points for snatching up all your belongings and your kid on the way out.  Or throwing a shoe.)

          Let it go, let it go.

          I am one with the wind and sky.

          Let it go, let it go

          You’ll never see me cry!*

(*Because I’m saving those tears for my Olaf pillow.  Duh.)

          Let the storm rage on…

I could go on for days with this one, but I think you get the point.

Fix your feet and touch up those roots, kids.  The ALDC is about to get Frozen.

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With only one competition left before their highly hyped LA Road Trip, everyone was a little stressed as they rolled into the ALDC for this week’s assignments.  No one on the team (…except Sia‘s new BFF Maddie…) was even guaranteed a seat on the plane yet, so it was important that all the Moms and not-so-tiny-anymore dancers be on their ‘A’ Game.

And being on your ‘A’ Game meant you couldn’t come in Second Place again like they had done last week.  Not an option if you wanted to make it to Hollywood…and IN Hollywood.

There’s no room in First Class for First Losers, y’all.

Nia and Holly arrived first with some sad news.  Nia’s grandfather was ill and even though Nia was committed to the Hollywood adventure, she wanted to let Abby know that she may have to leave LA at some point.

I love how my girl Sasha Nia has grown into her own.  She can speak for herself and don’t need Mama to do her talkin’ for her, thank you very much.  She explained the situation like an adult and somehow managed to accidentally unleash the Softer Side of Abby, who gave her a big hug when she started crying.

Since the Softer Side of Abby is the same side that stuffed a dog and left it laying on the couch for an entire season, I’m never really sure how I’m supposed to react when she surprises us with a moment of compassion.

But if it made Sasha feel better, than I’m all for it.

As the girls bounced into formation for the Pyramid of Shame, they were rocking new ALDC logo tops like little catalog models.  Everyone except for Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo, that is, who had chosen instead to just coat herself in spray adhesive and roll around in glitter for ten minutes before reporting for duty.

Srsly.  That kid.

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(Spoiler Alert:  I don’t know why she bothers to touch up her roots every two weeks when they’re always covered by those gigantic gift wrap bows.  I really don’t.  Put that money towards college.  Or my blog.)

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Nia, Kendall and Kalani.  Coming in Second Place will do that to your rankings.

Maddie was in the middle with JoJo, which made my head hurt a little.  Sometimes when a dancer isn’t at the previous competition they end up on the bottom, but sometimes not.  I don’t really know how any of this works.  There are just too many rules to the whole Pyramid thang, if you ask me.

Regardless, it meant that MackenzieBoo had not only Boom Boom Bang Banged herself into First Place at last week’s competition, but also managed to take Maddie’s spot on top of the Pyramid.  MackZ in the penthouse suite, yo.

Side note:  Of course JoJo’s headshot has a glitter background. Because…glitter.

Remember that baby from Toddlers & Tiaras that was always crawling around on the kitchen table wearing an “I Poop Glitter” onesie while her big sister was standing on a trash bag getting spray tanned?  You just think about that for minute.

Before Abby could even assign solos, Jessalynn and Kira started in on each other over some never before addressed issue where JoJo had apparently called up the Glitter Co. CEO and requested free swag and a tote bag.

I dunno.  News to me.  It just kind of came out of nowhere.

Kira kinda sorta mimicked JoJo’s cartoon voice a little and got called out on it later up in the MomPerch, where the two of them went at it for a few minutes just like in the old AUDC days when they used to sit around that hot glue gun table and bark at each other.

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Those were good days.

Question:  So are we NOT supposed to make fun of the kids in FRONT of the kids, or can we do that now?  Or is that not cool at any time?  Not that I would, of course.  But.

Because last week…I mean…

I swear this show has more rules than the actual competitions.

Speaking of.  This week the gang was headed to Woodbridge, NJ for the World Class Talent Experience.  Kendall, Maddie and JoJo all scored solos.

The group routine was going to be an icy little number based on Disney’s hit movie Frozen, because Gawd knows we haven’t had enough of Disney’s hit movie Frozen in the last 12 months.  Just ask any parent who is ready to slit their own throat with the sharp edge of the Sing-A-Long DVD.  Go ahead.  Ask them.  I’ll wait.

Up in the MomPerch, Jessalynn and Kira were still going at it, while Holly made it clear that she couldn’t teach JoJo’s Mom how to have class.

Because.  School.  Is.  Out.

Snap.  Somebody got another new pair of SassyPants for Christmas.

And then JoJo did her roots.  F’realz.

Right there in the kitchen sink.  Since the shock value was slightly lessened by having already seen Jessalynn go deep with the Nice ‘n Easy during an earlier episode of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, it gave me more time to snoop around the kitchen.

Did you see how many utensils and glass containers they had on the counter?  If you’re only in town for a few weeks as a guest of the ALDC, why do you need so many wooden spoons?  If you bought them all, that’s kind of a waste of money.  And if they came with that furnished dorm apartment, that’s kind of gross.

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And don’t you worry.  The irony of hearing Jessalynn say “Just stay here as yourself” while she bleached her kid’s hair into a completely different color than she was born with wasn’t lost on me at all.

The next day, JoJo’s roots were as on point as her patriotic workout gear.

Because…4th of July glitter.

If I’m not mistaken, it was actually the same outfit that Patti LaBelle‘s backup dancers wore during the 1986 closing ceremony concert when they relit the Statue of Liberty.  Trust me, if JoJo could have arrived at the ALDC that morning in a flying jetpack like the guy did during Liberty Weekend I’m sure she would have been all over it.

As the girls and Abby began to realize that JoJo wasn’t going to make the cut in the group routine (…pssst…there are actually 8 counts in an 8 count, sweetie…) the Moms were upstairs stressing out about Hollywood.  Except for Melissa that iswho had already quadruple booked Maddie for two interviews, a TV show audition and a cruise ship christening.  And my MomCrush Jill, who was off at some top secret event in Kentucky that I could only pray at some point would involve cowboy hats.

Eventually, Abby cut JoJo from the group dance and contemplated cutting her actual tongue out of her mouth when she sassed back about her Macy’s Parade costume.

Because…glitter and sass.

JoJo cried (…“I Poop AND Cry–“…) and then Abby gave the Moms a lecture on how she is the manager of all these random children.

Jessalynn declared that she had “given up a lot” to be here for these two weeks, which in an odd TV Spoiler kind of way just ruined the surprise that she and JoJo were not on next week’s Hollywood VIP List.  Not to mention making me once again question why she had purchased so many spatulas.

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Before they hit the road to NJ, Nia and her Dad (…why did they just tag him as ‘Nia’s Father?’  Dude has a name…) went to visit her grandfather, which made me way too sad to talk about.

And then Kira wore an Elsa braid for the first time ever.  You just let it go, girl.

I mean, really.  Let it go.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy crowd bus arrival time.

And time for the cutest little girl EVAH to go completely bazoinkers when she realized that she and JoJo were both wearing hair bows at the same time.

I know, right?  OMG.  Twinsies!  You could totally tell she was the kind of kid who had such a high pitched scream that rivals underwater sonar.  So.  Cute.

Once everyone got settled into the makeup room, Gianna handed off some top secret cell phone text/email message to Abby that made her lose her marbles and JoJo got caught in the crossfire.

Innocently asking Miss Abby if she knew the order of the solos, JoJo pretty much got her eyebrows burned off when Abby flipped out on her for interrupting the adults.

I mean.  Flipped.  Out.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ll be the first one in line buying tickets for the Tell JoJo To Shut Up Lottery, but still.  That was a bit extreme.  Even by Abby/JoJo standards.

Turns out that this competition had even more rules than the Pyramid and all the other competitions combined and somehow Maddie and Kendall ended up being in the Teen Division due to birthdays, Earth’s solar alignment and who knows what else.  Jill tried to explain the math, but it was way over my head.

Even the group dance was now in the Teen Division.  Don’t ask.

mz

Side note:  Was Mackenzie even IN this episode?

Side note again:  World Class has some of the least World Class stage lighting I’ve ever seen.  The kids were either all dancing too close to the edge of the stage or WCTE is too cheap to buy spotlights.  Never skimp on the lighting, people.

Maddie and Kendall’s solos were great.  Not sure why Maddie was stressing out about being in the Teen Division.  If she can cage fight half naked with Shia LaBeouf I’m not sure why she can’t do some toe spins in front of a 17 year old.  But whatever.

JoJo’s ‘Fashion Victim’ solo was an Aqua-Net sight to behold, fo’ sho.

Backstage as the gang got ready for the group, Jessalynn tried one more time to sneak JoJo back into routine by pulling out her calculator and showing how her daughter’s birthday would drop the team back down to the Pee Wee League.

But Abby wasn’t buying what she was selling.

Yes.  Dance Math is hard.  But the answer was still NO.

And how about that Frozen makeup?  Amazeballs.  Half ice princess, half punked at school and shot in the face with a fire extinguisher, the girls definitely looked winterized.  And the Moms definitely don’t make these costumes at home on the Singer anymore.

Unfortunately, crystal snowflakes or nah, they only came in Second Place.  Again.  Which is the second week for coming in Second Place if you’re keeping track of these things.

First Losers, one mo’ time.

Abby was not happy.

Especially when they were headed to California soon.  Going to LA with no wins?  Srsly?

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And what about all the opportunities that Maddie has coming her way?  How ’bout sharing some of that love, Abby?  Yeah.  Share it.

The other Moms just wanted the same attention for their daughters that Maddie and Mackenzie always receive.  Understandable.  Abby always says that she’s there for the whole team, but for some reason Ryan Seacrest only wants to talk with Maddie when he calls.  Go figure.

You can pretty much make up the rest of the backstage arguments on your own, because you already knew where this one was headed.

JoJo was semi-cut from the LA Roadtrip.  No real surprise, since we already knew how much she given up for these two weeks, right?  If Jessalyn wants JoJo there, she needs to get her there on her own dime, not Lifetime’s.

(Hope you kept the Bed, Bath & Beyond receipts for some of those spoons, honey.  Have you seen the price of air fare lately?)

Holly and Jill vowed to promote the glitter right out of their own kids if that’s how Abby wanted to play it now.  Game On, lady.

And then it was over for this week.

Abby slammed the door.  And the rest of them went home to start packing for California.

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re all going to Hollywood.   And I’m going with ‘em.

          Because this show never bothered me anyway.

(See what I did there?)

California, here we come!

face

****

RIP GrandDad Andrew.

I know your grandkids are making you so proud.

ngp

Dance Moms: She’s Baaaack! It’s The Return Of Honey Bow Bow Child When JoJo Takes The ALDC To Church.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

anjj

 

 

Let’s plead insanity on that lawsuit. I’m sure I’ll pick up plenty of pointers this week. Trust me.

 

 

kh

 

 

 

That. Was hilarious.

 

 

h 2

 

 

 

Don’t you worry, people. Mini-Maya ’bout to own this stage. But first, let me take a selfie.

 

mj

 

 

 

I don’t even know where I am right now. But I know it’s awesome and I like ponies and Skittles.

 

 

mcz

 

 

I can already feel the Sassy Super Powers of this magic hair bow burning into my brain. It works!

 

 

jess

 

 

I’m just saying go get your own damn Starbucks because this Cup o’ Crazy is all mine, honey.

 

 

nj

 

 

 

AwHellNah. What is that on your head, girl? I don’t think so.

 

 

 

It’s true.

Hair Bow Chicka Bow Bow.

Ready or not, here she comes.

JoJo Siwa is back in the ALDC hizzle, yo.

Dance Moms raised the Headgear Threat Level to Glitter this week with the highly promoted arrival of the sassified Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition alum and it was pretty much everything you would expect to see when someone from the planet KrazyPants crash lands on the ALDC Mothership.

Because that’s what it was.

Krazy.  With a capital ‘K.’

But first, there were a few quieter non-JoJo moments before she and Mom Jessalyn knocked down the studio door and started making all the dogs in my house run in circles.

After last week’s confrontation between Holly and Abby, there was still a lot of underlying tension in that little pink holding room as the Few and The Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms waited for the Pyramid of Shame to commence.  With only three Moms and four dancers remaining, Kalani and Mom Kira were settling in nicely as new/old additions to the mix, but you could definitely cut it with a knife.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Right out of the gate, my MomCrush was on point.  Bump-It was almost setting off the ceiling sprinklers and she was working one of her officially licensed furry Star Wars vests.  I’m also digging that new Herbal Essence hairdo she’s rocking in the confessional one-on-ones.  I’m not sure how she makes all those hot roller curls bounce in slow motion like Baywatch, but she does.j

As Abby called everyone in for Pyramid, Holly asked if the Moms could come in first for a little chat, but she got shot down before she even finished the sentence.  No time for group hugs when there are Pyramids to unveil.

You heard me.  Pyramids.  Plural.

It was the Pyramids and Pyramids and Pyramids of Shame this week.

All the girls’ new and improved head shots from last week’s photo shoot were plastered across the mirrors.  Everyone got their own private pyramid, with all their different looks and outfit changes all taped up for the big reveal.  It was a moment when you suddenly realized how much they’ve all grown up over the years.

It was also one of those moments when you don’t question anything and just go with the flow.  Like when Glee kids burst into song in the middle of gym class or Lassie finds Timmy in an abandoned water well.  Because it’s a television show, people.

Yes.  It’s real life.  With real loving Moms who love real kids.  But it’s also real life on a reality show.  On your television.  So there’s stuff you see and don’t see and reasons for this and that and things that get edited and things that get cut.  Which is why Abby Lee Miller has a television show on a national cable network while Miss Jolene’s Dance and Tumble Tots Complex still shares Community Center rehearsal space with the Silver Sneakers senior program.

And it’s also why I just roll my eyes sometimes when people get themselves all bunched up on Twitter.  Chillax or change the channel.

But I digress.

n

As you’ll recall, last week every girl had a 15 minute limit on their camera time which MackZ, Maddie and Kalani hogged, leaving Nia only 7 minutes to put on three different outfits, change her makeup twice and flat iron her hair.

Trust me, I’ve watched enough Bring It! to know that ain’t gonna happen in 7 minutes.

So relax.  It’s TV.

Honestly, I don’t even remember them bringing in that tree or wall or whatever it was that Kalani was leaning on.  Is she even old enough to have already had her Senior Pictures done?  She totes needs to sign my yearbook.

There was Spunky Maddie, Sultry Maddie, I Think I Like Boys Now Mackenzie, Soap Opera Kalani, Diva Nia and Sporty Spice all over the mirrors.  All done in 15 minutes.

It’s television.  And I just spent way too much time on that rant, so we’ll have to skip the actual Pyramid part this week.  Blah Blah…Maddie on top.  The End.

This week, the gang was heading to Warren, NJ for another In10sity Dance Competition.  The group routine was going to be a potentially controversial dance based on Religious Diversity, which immediately started spiking Twitter faster than Kim Kardashian‘s naked butt.

MackZ was handed yet another acrobatic solo, which was pretty strange considering all the time that Abby spends telling her to grow up and be an MTV vixen.  Pretty hard to do when you spend every week doing whatever that hand stand in a circle thing is called.

The final solo of the week was dangled in front of Nia’s face like meat-on-a-stick for about 20 minutes before Abby walked to the side door and announced the arrival of Storm JoJo.

Oh, JoJo.

jss

Part Asia Monet wannabe, part Anna Nicole Smith after a hard night of clubbing and part every Toddlers & Tiaras kid who ever finger kissed themselves right off the edge of the stage into a face plant on the Ramada ballroom carpet.

(Yeah, I’m talking to you, Eden Wood…)

That’s our JoJo.  Complete with yet another ginormous sparkly Joker bow/flower dingly head thingamabob that looked like it should be squirting water in Batman’s face.  And her Mom Jessalynn.  The other loud accessory that JoJo never leaves the house without.

If you watched AUDC, you’ll remember Jessalynn from her sassy “Girlfrieeeend” throw downs with every other Mom in the competition.

If you didn’t watch AUDC, Jessalynn is that woman who cuts in front of you at Walmart and then pretends that she was there the whole time.

As the girls stretched it out and started work on the religious number, the Moms hit the MomPerch.  Jessalynn started spraying attitude all over the couch, and as soon as it hit Holly’s new hair it was on like Donkey Kong.  For the full hour.

Old Moms and New Moms never seem to play nice on this show.  Or is it just me?

MackZ had to put on JoJo’s big ol’ hair bow at some point, too, in hopes that it would inspire sassiness.  It’s like a brain chip.  A big, curly, gift wrapped brain chip.  And it’s how KrazyPantaliens assimilate into our society.

The next day, Holly had raided Jill’s closet while she was in the shower and swiped one of her furry vests when nobody was looking.  But it worked.  You go, girl.

Downstairs in the studio, JoJo was really struggling with her solo.  Did I mention that Maddie was gone again?  I probably should have, since JoJo’s piece was supposed to fill the lyrical MaddieVoid while Maddie was off with her new bestie Sia at some Hollywood Bowl benefit concert.

jj

Q.  What were you doing when you were 12 years old?

A.  Not that.  Loser.

Clearly, little Miss JJ  was not going to be able to handle the choreography, so mid-stream Abby changed the whole dance into some JoJo-friendly JazzSpazz kinda thing, which left the ALDC without the lyrical routine that had previously been submitted to the competition.

Q.  What to do now?

A.  Check behind Door #2 and see what prize you find.

Side note:  Are these kids all backed up behind that studio door just waiting for their 15 minutes of face time or what?  As soon as Abby screamed for tiny Sarah Hunt to come into the studio, she was there.  Like…instantly.  Almost like teleportation, if you want to keep with the sci-fi theme.

It must look like a spandex-y (…is that a word?…) log jam of hyperventilating baby dancers on the other side of that wall just waiting to hear their name called.

Come on down!  You’re the next player!

You remember Sarah.  She cried all the time.  Especially on buses.  A real cutie, but I always get nervous around little kids who cry so hard they can’t breath, because the last thing you want to do is perform CPR on somebody with UglyCryingNose.

Google it.  It’s gross.  And wet.

And then her Mom Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) barreled into the studio.  If you put your ear to the ground you could have probably heard her coming into town like a western stage coach stampede.

Great.  Another loud Mom.

c

I’m not sure if we need to call her CHRIST-y anymore, since there is only one Christi now.  Especially on a religious diversity episode.  They’re never really clear on what protocol to follow every time Abby drives a Mom out of the building.

Jessalynn and Christy pig piled right on top of each other as soon as they hit the Perch.  Christy thought she was better than Jessalynn.  Jessalynn thought she was better than Christy.  They both smack talked each other’s kid, which is not cool.

Let’s be real.  If you popped their heads off like Barbie dolls and swapped them on each other’s bodies they would still be the exact same person with different hair color, so I’m not really sure why they didn’t hit it off better.  I think these issues go deeper than just Walmart.

Jessalynn also likes her catch phrases.  You know they’re catch phrases when Lifetime tweets them out.  Check ‘em out when you have time.

Around now was when Maddie called in from Hollywood.  She was with her Aunt Renee, who seemed very good at chaperoning but not so great at remembering to bring Maddie’s hairbrush.  Or maybe I’ve just never had to learn four dance routines in one day.

Maybe that’s it.  I apologize for my jealousy.

Abby put Maddie on speaker and basically trash talked all the other girls like a Boss until Sia told her girl to get off the damn phone.  Time is Money in Hollywood.  Chop Chop.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy bus crowd arrival time.

Lawd.  These tweeny bop fans are bonkers.  I’m probably just jealous (…again…) that I never got to run down a sidewalk high-fiving everyone when I was in 5th grade….but still.

Bonkers.

Backstage, there was no sign of Abby.  Nada.

k

No Maddie = No Abby?  Hmmmm.

Holly questioned Gianna, but didn’t get any solid response.  If you DVR’d the show and don’t have much time, just fast forward to the part where Holly is sewing stuff into Nia’s head and goes “Well, some people have priorities, mmmmmkay?”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Book me a chair at Dr. Beyoncé’s House Of Hair right now.  I mean it.

Sarah’s solo was good.  Jessalynn said she wasn’t strong enough to dance at the YMCA, but I enjoyed it.  JoJo’s solo was classic JoJo.

Abby finally decided to show up, walking down the aisle like she was Ellen Degeneres‘ Oscar Night Pizza Guy or something.  The crowd went nuts and I started craving pepperoni.  Miss Abby does like her entrances.  And her pizza, I bet.

She was just in time for MackZ’s ‘Boom Boom’ solo, which I think was supposed to be an Ariana Grande ‘Bang Bang’ solo…but “Back seat of my car I’ll let you have it” doesn’t really make sense when you’re doing circular handstands, if you know whaddimean.

Back in the makeup room, the Moms tried to figure out what took Abby so long to get to the venue.  Something about traffic and court dates and the usual roundabout non-answer answers.  She’s getting pretty good at that.

And then I rolled on my remote and was suddenly watching CNN.  And they were interviewing a little muslim girl in a burqa.  I swear.  She was right there.

At first I was all like That’s a cute little muslim girl in a burqa.  Where’d my remote go?”  

And then I was all like “Why is that CNN anchor putting fake eye lashes on that little muslim girl in a burqa?  Is that a thing now?”

And then I realized it was JoJo in a burqa and I was all like…

giphy

(Special thanks to @SnarkyBot for letting me plagiarize his plagiarized gif.)

I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole thing.  But again, wrong blog for this.  They’d catch flak for NOT including a little girl in a burqa, probably more so than for including her in a diversity themed dance.  The point was to show different religions expressing different beliefs, but still being able to come together as one.

Plus they only have six kids on the payroll.

So again…take it to the chat rooms.

On the other hand, Kira and Jill were pretty excited that JoJo couldn’t talk, so in an oddly ironic religious moment, all our prayers were answered.

Don’t you worry, tho.  There were plenty of other religious costumes to keep the chat rooms buzzing.  MackZ was even dressed up as the tiniest Nun I’ve ever seen.  Even the Flying One was bigger.

Note to our Catholic school friends:  Only the cool nuns BeDazzle their habits, so don’t expect to see that when you walk into homeroom.  Lower your expectations, please.

The group number came off much better on stage than it had back at the ALDC, but unfortunately the new and the old girls were still to new and old to mesh perfectly.  They did great, and Sasha Nia killed it with another Spoken Word routine.  But the judges only gave them Second Place.

Which is the First Loser, as you’ll recall.

Hey.  Was that Melanie in the audience?  Another AUDC alum?  Haley Huelsman‘s Mom?  Nobody else in America has that hair.  I think it was her.  Hey, girl.

Side note:  True Story.  When Melanie was in Boston for a dance recital, she walked right past me in the food court with some crazy a** sparkeld-up denim Mom jeans and knocked over my diet Coke with her massive handbag.

Never even offered to clean it up or pay for it.

burka

Granted, she didn’t actually know that she did it because she was too busy yakking it up with her posse.  But still.  It’s the principle of the thing.  And it’s a true story.

She owes me $1.89.  Plus tax.

When it was over, Sarah took First Place in her Mini Bite-Sized solo division.  See?  Told you so.  Trophies are way better than tears, honey.  Now go to the back of the bus and wipe your nose.

JoJo took home Third Place for her high voltage ‘Electricity’ routine, while MackZ Boom Boomed herself right into First Place.  We finally got her out of that Bumblebee costume, now we just gotta get her out of those circus handstands.

But coming in Second for the ALDC is not acceptable.  At least in Abby’s book, so the whole thing collapsed pretty quickly backstage.  Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with Second Place.  It makes you stronger and gives you incentive to get better and better and apply yourself to succeed and improve on what you’re already good at.

I just can’t get Abby to agree.  Which in turn always gets all the Moms worked up.  To the point where Jessalynn even talked a little smack about kids while kids were still in the room, which is a No-Go ever since Kelly slapped the TMZ right outta Abby last season.

Yikes.

So all the Moms went at it one last time, until only Holly and Jessalynn were left standing.

And who do you think won that one?  Any money on my girl?

Don’t be fooled by the PhDs that I got.  I’m still, I’m still Holly from the Block.

Love her.

Bronx Cheer, everyone.

See you next week.

bx


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