Dance Moms: It’s Solo Battle Round 1 As JoJo Goes Up Against Kendall K. Let’s Get Ready To ALDC Rumble!Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015
Because I called the big googly glasses and frizzy hair today, that’s why. Now go home and change.
I swear to Gawd. If ONE man in that chorus is prettier than me, I’m quitting this show for good.
I know, right? Check ’em out. Miley Cyrus socks. They even smell like her by the end of the day.
Girrrrl, pleez. Did she just say 527 hair bows for one little girl? That is srsly messed up.
If I can just knock this down and get to the door, I might stand a chance of getting out alive.
Let’s just get right to it, shall we?
It was Dance Moms: Lite as what was left of the ALDC all gathered in front of 3rd Street Dance to regroup after the dramatic exit of one of their own last week.
Kira and Kalani had (…once again…) jumped the Lukasiak/Hyland GetOuttaTown Bus and walked out on the team after a second throw down with Abby Lee Miller. It was pretty dramatic, with lots of screaming and yelling and Alexa Moffett in a dress that the internet still hasn’t come to grips with seven days later.
They cried. They quit. And then they went home to Arizona, never to bee seen again.
Spoiler Alert: Or not, maybe.
As the girls headed up to the penthouse rehearsal space 84 floors above street level, the few remaining Dance Moms…Moms…hung out on the sidewalk for a few more minutes to discuss their current situation.
Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Stripper Shoe Shout-Out: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, I guess.
Holly really didn’t know if Kalani would come back after that second fight, which was a good lead-in to a quick flashback of Kira trying to maneuver her roly-poly suitcase around 42 Louis Vuitton bags and whatever that mess was behind Melissa.
Seriously. Five seasons later and not one Mom has yet been able to scream “I’m Done!” and exit the building with all four wheels and/or their dignity still intact.
SuperFan TakeOver Flashback: Do you remember when Melissa tried to bolt down that hallway in Season One carrying every trophy she could snatch and ran over those two kids that still have to sleep with the lights on four years later?
I love this show.
But that second fight between Kira and Abby wasn’t the Big One, at least according to Jessalynn. It was the first one, a few weeks back, that had really set them off on a path to destruction. Which gave a good lead-in to yet another flashback.
And an opportunity for me to use this photo for the third week in a row. Do enjoy.
Jessalynn Hilarity Scale: Staaahp it with this woman. HIGH-sterical. AND you get to see Abby in her lacy Lane Bryant again? Pretty much a Win/Win all around.
Side note: Bonus Points to the Marketing Department for randomly placing that 3rd Street floor banner right out there in the middle of the sidewalk during filming. I see what you did there. You know you’re supposed to get city hall approval anytime you put something outside that blocks traffic and fire exits, right? When that thing blows over in the wind and kills somebody, don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s public access, not a Trade Show booth.
Upstairs, the Pyramid of Shame had returned!
JoJo with the (..Spoiler Alert: 527…) Hair Bows and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the Bottom. I almost forgot how this thing worked.
Side note: Feel free to pre-order Nia’s on-fleeka duet with Coco Jones right here.
Yaaaaaaas! Slay, gurl. Slay.
Mackenzie and Maddie held down the mezzanine level of the Pyramid.
Wait. What? Maddie?
Turns out that Abby wanted to knock her Golden Child down a peg and make the oldest Ziegler work for that top tier status from now on. No more Free Rides, honey. Which would have been much more of a Teaching Moment if Abby had stuck her all the way down on the bottom and moved Nia up a peg, if you ask me. But you know…
Whatev. I’m pretty sure Maddie was too busy making music videos to even care.
Drumroll. Which meant that Kendall was on top of the Pyramid!!! KK got all excited. My MomCrush Jill got all excited. Everyone was pretty excited.
About time Kendall got some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.
This week the gang was headed to Escondido, CA for the New York Dance Experience.
NYDE. Which I totally thought said NYSE on the backdrop during previews. Not that Maddie doesn’t already have enough money invested in SiaStocks to justify ringing the opening bell. I just don’t think she can reach the button yet.
Kendall and JoJo scored the solos. Top and Bottom of the Pyramid. Just like in baseball.
KK’s solo was entitled ‘Immortal’ and had something to do with chariot races at the first Olympiad, while JoJo would be channeling her Inner Miley Cyrus in a tribute to the former Hannah Montana star who got really famous by doing stuff with one of those foam fingers you can buy at football games.
JoJo. Loves. Miley.
Like, OMG Smiley Face and Hearts loves Miley.
JoJo literally had to be put on a ventilator during the commercial break she loves Miley so much. She even wears Miley Socks. Maybe by the holidays Miley will finally start wearing underwear and put her face on that, too. You better start making your Christmas lists now, kids, just to be on the safe side.
The ‘Don’t Fence Me In’ group routine was going to be based on a gigantic barbed wire (…duh…) fence prop, which was very timely considering that everyone on the news seems to be breaking out of prison nowadays. (You don’t think that Jeff Collins is psychic, do you? How else do you explain this week’s dance theme when the show is taped so many months in advance?)
As luck would have it, Abby had more than enough available barricade surrounding the terminally-under construction ALDCLA site, so finding something for Mackenzie to swing on wasn’t going to be a problem.
F’realz. Is that new studio even open yet? It’s been like two years. I bet they’re faking their Instagram feed with a green screen. What’s the hold up, Bob?
This was an especially important week, tho, because the highest scoring ALDC soloist would move on to compete against NEXT week’s soloist in the battle for a spot at the…umm…they say it all the time. And it always sneaks up on me every season. What was the name again?
The Road To Nationals: You know what to do every time you hear somebody say it.
As the girls got to rehearsing, we went to check in on the Candy Apples. Who were back again. Except that they were called the Broadway Dance Academy dancers now and Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was not even listed on my DVR recording.
Jeanette Cota was also back, if that helps give you any sense of normalcy. The way she explained it, she and Ava were here for the long run now that Chaos Cathy had moved on, whatever that means. I’m pretty sure Cathy’s still alive, tho, because somebody is still talking smack about Abby on her Twitter page. So I’m thinking she definitely just moved on…not passed on.
And if Jeanette was going to lead this new and improved team to victory, she was going to do it with edgy, controversial, on-trend subject matter that she could rub all over Abby’s face like butter on a biscuit.
Starting with Transgender issues and the impact it has on young members of the LGBT community. And on Chloe’s Mom Liza, apparently, who got so overwhelmed by the subject matter that I thought somebody was gonna have to run across town and get JoJo’s inhaler.
Liza got all like…
…and barely made it through Jeanette’s full backstory on the dance like…
Transgender Advocate Jay Pryor, whose life the It Gets Better musical project is based on, would be coming to visit soon, along with members of the Gay Men’s Chorus, who…wait for it…would be singing LIVE during competition.
Side note: Did Jeanette call it the Gay MAN’s Chorus the first time, or was it just me?
Cuz I swear…
Jeanette was clearly going for the kill shot this week.
Just like Kira. Who was baaaaaaack.
No lie. They were back already. Granted, Kira and Kalani pulled into the parking lot on Day Two so slowly that I thought they had a nail in their tire. But at least they were back. And whatever swear word came out of Melissa’s mouth when they drove up is the same one that’s written on Kira’s vanity plates, because Lifetime blurred them both out at the same time. No lie.
Honk if you Bleep.
The Dealio: Kalani loved the team and wanted to finish up the season with her Dance Family. Kira didn’t want to be there, but had flown back and forth and back again from AZ in the hopes that Abby would accept her daughter back into the fold and forget about the whole silly thing.
Side note: How mad do you have to get that your entire shirt pops off in public, anyway?
Better the back hallway of a hotel than in the middle of a mall food court, I guess.
I’m officially done with this photo for the week. You can open your eyes now.
Naturally, Abby wouldn’t let Kalani back into the group routine since it was already a work in progress. True, she can re-block a number four minutes before they go on stage every time she forgets a costume at home…but, still…it wasn’t gonna happen this time.
Especially since Abby felt that Kira wanted everyone to take it up the a** for some reason that escapes me right now.
Side note: How about when Abby yelled at Kendall and told her that she was dancing like Mackenzie and then Mackenzie got all like Hello?I’mRightHereInTheRoom.
Hilarious. Nationals is really getting everyone on edge.
Back over at whatever the Candy Apples are called now, all of Jeanette’s guests arrived to make everyone cry. Especially Liza, who cried like she was on a soap opera…
…as Jay (…who used to be Janet…) told his story of self-awareness and transitioning from female to male after years of not feeling comfortable in his own skin.
I really liked Jay. He reminded me of the Genius Bar guy at my local Apple Store who swapped out my iPhone 6 with no questions when the battery wouldn’t hold a charge.
Jay was super-smiley and so happy now that you couldn’t help but get a little fuzzy. And any one who talks shizz about my boy Jay and his life choices is no longer allowed to read this blog. So there’s that, too. Choose carefully, because you don’t get a do-over.
Live your life, dude.
Jeanette introduced her team to Jay, singer Jason and song writer Morten, whose funky black and yellow shirt looked like a Crate & Barrel pillow. They all spoke and explained how important the story was and how it was all going to go down on stage at the competition. Honestly, everyone smiled so much it freaked me out. Not as much as Jay’s old breasts used to freak him out, I’m sure. But close.
By the time we returned to 3rd Street, Abby was quizzing Kalani about her religious choices like she was the Pope or something. Not dancing in the group routine was now considered penance for walking out on everyone last week. Go say three Hail Marys and slap your mother for me. Amen.
Finally, it was Showtime! Hallelujah.
Outside the auditorium, the ALDC came face to face with the CADC/BDA in an odd moment that looked exactly the way I always imagined a PTA meeting on a Gay Pride float would look. Jeanette and Jessalynn wore dueling Jackie O glasses (…Mama Siwa for the Win because hers were BeDazzled…) while the other Moms sniffed each other out like meerkats.
Bonus Points for Liza holding one of the little rainbow flags they stick in Greenwich Village cupcakes. She might be my new favorite funny person in the event that Jessalynn can no longer fulfill her duties.
Side note: How about the two guys in suits and earpieces walking between the teams like somebody was going to pull a gun at an Escondido dancing competition? You see them?
I need to know right now who the big bald one was. He wasn’t taking crap from anybody.
In the makeup room, Jill contoured Kendall K’s face so hard I thought the extra ‘K‘ might have been for ‘Kardashian,’ while JoJo modeled her Miley Cyrus outfit for the crowd. The sparkly costume itself was pretty snazzy, but somebody clearly cheaped out and bought her one of those Carol Brady wigs you always see advertised in the back of Ok! Magazine. Not cool.
And then Abby gave one last pep talk to the soloists about how this could make or break their chances for Nationals.
Rachelle “Sas” Rak Sighting: Yaaaas! There she was at the table, right next to some judge wearing a Forest Ranger hat. I’m not sure if my girl was just keeping it low-key this time or if they kept showing the same shot of her over and over the entire evening.
But she never moved once.
Kendall, on the other hand, remembered hers. Clearly my MomCrush was off a week or so when she declared that previous week as National Kendall Week, because KK was on fiyah this time around. Wear Em Out, girl!
Side note: After all the controversy (…and exposed undergarments…) surrounding Embracegate, it was certainly a nice surprise to see Abby actually hug it out with JoJo following her less than stellar performance. Maybe Bumbles really can bounce and come back with a softer side. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see, Cornelius.
527: The number of hair bows that JoJo owns. Officially announced right here during one of those Dance Moms Slumber Party thingamabobs where all the girls talk at once and write on dry erase boards. 527.
And then the groups performed. And NAILED it. Both of them.
It was clearly a tough decision, but in the end the ALDC came in on top and beat the CADC/BDA. One. Two.
But Jay’s story was more important to Jeanette than the actual win this time. And I have to agree. I don’t have to agree when people have bikini bathing suit tan lines and then wear a strapless dress to a dance competition, but her team’s moving performance on stage made up for Jeanette’s whackadoodle lack of sunscreen.
And then it was over.
The ALDC was back on top.
Kira and Kalani were sticking around. For now, anyway.
These two were getting ready for a solo showdown.
And Abby’s hair inexplicably did this right as the credits started to roll.
One week closer to Nationals, people.