Posts Tagged ‘Kalani Hilliker’

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

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Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.

 

 

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I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.

 

 

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Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.

 

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Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.

 

 

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My a** she’s 45.

 

 

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No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.

 

 

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They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?

 

 

 

I swear.

Family Reunions are exhausting.  Truly.

Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert:  and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.

Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.

But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.

Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet.  And they even did it in fancy clothes.

After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time.  Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…

Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.

almFrom the start, it was clear that sumthin was up.

Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.

Pretty hurts.  Trust me.

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Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.

Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts.  Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun.  And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone.  You see that thing?

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Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.

jsTwo hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel.  Where else did it come from?  That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.

Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.

She’s coming to set!  She’s just sitting in the chair!  She’s got papers!

She’s got explosives!

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Side note:  Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV?  Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble.  Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.

Q.  How do you like the recap so far, Quad?

tumblr_mnjk67HVyW1ql5yr7o1_500Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.

a1Lawd.  It was gonna be a long hour if this is how she’s playing it.

sheldon-throwing-papers-gifSide note:  The Moms were already seated around Jeff.  No intros this year.  No name tags.  Nothing.  We know them all by now, right?

Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe.  Not gonna lie.  Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on.  Was it just me?

They looked to their right together.

mjAnd then straight ahead together.

mj3And then over there together.

mj2And then gave majorly awesome SideEye together.

mj6When they left the studio after taping, their hats even blew off together.

giphy-1But I love them.  Separately or together.

The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed?  Orchestrated?  Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything.  Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling?  Is that how we do?

Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.

1.  This is Jake from State Farm.  Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?

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2.  This is Frank from Nationals.  Why isn’t he drunk yet?

fAbby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter.  Busted, lady.

Moral of the Story:  Jake fixes claims.  Frank doesn’t fix anything.  And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.

Next question:  Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?

Answer:  There was no answer.  But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing.  At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.

(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)

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Seriously.  Check the Instant Replay.  42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress.  Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.

Thanks for playing.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.  Buh bye.  Wait.  What?

Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff.  The girls looked good, though.  They’re getting so big.

Next topic:  The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood.  Which is kinda sorta true.

We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits.  We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.

Who knew?

If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook.  My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.

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Side note:  I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness.  Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone.  You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.

And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now.  First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.

Worst.  KissCam.  Ever.

auAnd then we got to relive BraGate one more time.

You remember that one.  That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.

And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time.  You just know it.

But I promised I would not post that photo again this season.  People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42.  So I won’t.

Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over.  Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway.  Same diff.

Plus, Holly loves this gif.  So please do enjoy.

ac63e126f65b565db9bf4f58611bec74.jpgAbby claimed that she didn’t hug Kalani that day because there were so many kids begging for hugs that it went on and on and on for so long that she had to make it stop.

Previously unseen footage from that day in question:

72502-kissing-minions-gif-Imgur-8PBsJess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.

Finally.  Dance Math I can understand.

Side note:  Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.”  Just needed to be pointed out.

And how about these guns, yo?

#HollyArms.haSomebody’s been doing their curls and dips.

True Fact:  I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was.  Because she and I are so tight, you know.

Yes, we’re besties.  But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class.  Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.

And Mama hates waiting around.  Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.

We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.

#HollyHulkSmash.

Here’s a thought:  If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.

Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set.  He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.

Am I lying?  I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.

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Side note:  Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.

hniAnd then we got to see the full premiere of Nia’s new music video!!

Yaaaaaas, Gawd.  #SLAY.

Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.nmFiyah.

tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500Yeah.  What she said.

Side note:  Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen.  Bad memories, I guess.  And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?

Watch him Whip.  Watch him Nene.  Or not.

avFinally, there was just enough time to get Kira married off.

Dat’s rite.  After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose.  Just like on Ellen or something.

I know Jill was excited to see him.  You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap?  Don’t stick your foot in that.  Just saying.

We love David.  He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.

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He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry.  Am I right?  Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?

d1Look at how happy they are.  David even kissed Kalani on the head.

kkAbby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone.  That was strange.  But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho.  You can just tell.

451And then it was over.  Pretty much.

Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.

I dunno.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500 It’s over.  But it’s not over.  And that’s all that matters.

We’re just taking a break.  Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.

Season 5 is in the can.  We made it through another one.  And it’s been a blast.

And that calls for a celebration.

Nia.  Sing us outta here, willya?

See you guys next season!

Muah.

 

Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Ends Here. Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out…If You Can Open It.

Thursday, August 13th, 2015

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Imma need you to speak up a little. I can’t hear you over all the sweet bling on my iPhone case.

 

 

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This is the most ratchet Target I’ve ever seen. They don’t even have the grocery store part.

 

 

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How the #@!! does this stupid thing even work? Is it like a refrigerator door?

 

 

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“Nationals.”

 

 

 

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Oh, look. A head wrap. You might wanna get my agent on your crazy phone before I lose it.

 

 

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#NoMorePigtails.

 

 

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Imma let you finish, but that was one of the most F*** Up emcee jobs of all time. Gimme dat…

 

 

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#Push.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally.

Nationals.

Snuck right up on you, right?

It’s been a long, stressful journey to the finish line.  I don’t need to tell anybody that.

The Road To Nationals was fraught with screaming, crying, competing, quitting and then not-quitting, quitting and coming back, breakdowns, meltdowns, construction delays and enough frequent flier miles to transport all of us to the moon and back at least two times with no additional charge for carry-ons.

Not to mention that somehow there was still enough time to pet a few koala bears, launch two new pop stars into the TweenieVerse and for Kira Girard to get herself pregnant.

Yup.  It was a busy year on Dance Moms.

And now it all comes down to the Center Stage 2015 Nationals.

But no Drinking Game this week.  Sorry.

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I don’t want our younger readers to think that’s all the grownups do during this show.

Because that would be wrong.  Pretty close to the truth.  But still wrong.

And it wouldn’t be physically possible.  Or safe.

Let’s be real.  If you took a shot every time you heard the word ‘Nationals’ this week you wouldn’t have even made it through the “Previously on Dance Moms” and “Coming Up on Dance Moms” loop that ran before the opening credits.  Nationals:  Rinse & Repeat.

And no more photos of Abby in her bra, either.  I don’t even want to see that again.

Which brings us to the new ALDCLA studio space, which was a flurry of activity.

Abby Lee Miller was prepping the final Pyramid of Shame.  The Moms were clearly celebrating Black & White Outfit Day.  And the mysterious, never-seen construction crew was in the midst of another union-related work stoppage because that freakin’ place still wasn’t finished.  How is that even possible?

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With only 15 top spot wins in 25 competition weeks, Abby pointed out that those were not the kind of odds you’d want if you were going to bet on your pony down at the race track.

Side note:  The Big Money is actually on the big horses, not ponies.  Granted, you can still see pony racing at a few locations and on the State Fair Circuit.  And it is kind of funny to watch because from far away they look like a bunch of dachsunds just running in circles they’re so tiny.  But if you’re looking for that Trump Check…go for the big dawgs.

The More You Know.

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My MomCrush Jill was concerned that Abby’s recent erratic behavior might somehow negatively effect the team’s chances of winning their fifth straight First Place title at Nationals.  Mama V is pretty smart that way (…Spoiler alert:  Later in the episode she even does math…) but she was willing to give Abby the benefit of the doubt.  For now.

Jessalynn, on the other hand, wasn’t sure Abby even realized that her studio wasn’t completed.  Jess is a straight up hoot and should immediately be given her own spin-off to fill the void during the upcoming hiatus months.  Who do I call?

Assuming the place actually had a roof by Saturday, the Grand Opening of the ALDCLA Studio was scheduled for the same weekend as Nationals.

I know, right?  What could possibly go wrong?

Except everything, maybe?

Not to mention that they would once again be going up against Jeanette Cota and her team of top notch dancers, who had finally secured the proper notarized documentation to legally change their name from Candy Apples to Broadway Dance Academy.

Wait.  What?

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I miss Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her army of Apple Cores.

Especially this little nugget.

159157603dd2f4e278f6a980c398fabcAnd this little Candy Apples temp who gave the best WTF? in all five seasons.

gRemember when Lucas Triana mouthed off to my boy Gavin and GDawg was all like WhoaHoldUpWhatchooSayPunk? and then I started to come to his rescue but his Mama beat me to it like a Boss?

Sing it with me:  Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.  Don’t spit into the wind.  Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.  And don’t ever call Jo Morales‘ kid a pissy little bitch.

Trust me.  She handled it.  Love her.

JoJo, Mackenzie and Kendall were all on the bottom row of the Pyramid, while Kalani and Maddie held down the Mezzanine.

Which meant that The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the top!!

AAAAAAND scored a solo at Nationals!

Her first one!  Ever!

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After some discussion, of course.

Kira took issue with last week’s child judges and felt that scented markers and sparkle pens didn’t make for legitimate score sheets.  She thought Kalani should have a solo.

Holly felt Nia should have a solo.  Jill felt that Kira should just be quiet and have a seat, but since Kalani’s Mom was already plopped down in that white pregnancy/dental hygienist’s chair, Jill’s arguments against her were pretty much invalid before she even started.  And who only has one chair delivered at a time, anyway?  Wouldn’t it be more cost effective to get them all on the same truck?

This show.  I swear.

Long story short, you also don’t mess with MamaBear Frazier.  Here’s you solo, honey.

Maddie scored the other solo, which didn’t surprise anyone.  And the group routine, entitled ‘The Waiting Room,’ sounded pretty depressing.

We also got a quick flashback to the last four winning National routines, including fan favorites ‘The Last Text’ and ‘Amber Alert,’ which made me realize how tiny those Hyland kids and Chlobird and the remaining Original Recipe niblets were when this show started.

I mean…pipsqueaks.

So cute, tho.

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True Fact:  They’re all sitting on the floor because Mackenzie couldn’t walk yet and they didn’t want to make her feel bad.  I swear.  I totally Googled it on a made-up website.

As the now grown up (…too soon…) girls got to rehearsing, we scooted down the block to check in on Jeanette and her Broadway Candy Academy Company or whatever it’s called now.  Needless to say, the group routine was going to be a direct attack on Abby again, utilizing bullseye targets and sassy attitudes.

The ‘Myth of the Mermaid’ solo spot was going to Ava.  Because, you know…Ava.

Abby Grudge:  Jeanette rehashed the whole Skinny Girl Cocktail Praying Mantis leg thing and took the opportunity to focus Camera #1 on Chloe #2‘s ears one more time.

earsRelax.  As I’ve said a million times before…my ears are bigger than hers, so she’s got nothing to worry about.  Yes, I’ve found that sleeping on your side does help to flatten them out a little, but it really doesn’t matter when you’re an awesome sauce dancer.

And wind sheer is really only an issue if you’re a skydiver or the Flying Nun.  She’ll be just fine if she sticks to pirouettes.  Plus, her Mom is feisty and I like that.

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Back at the ALDCLA, the girls were working through the hospital waiting room theme of the group dance.  They even had a long row of those airport chairs that are always connected together and placed 6 inches too far from the nearest wall outlet.

Is it just me?  I hope operating rooms have better access to electricity than I do when my cell battery goes into the Red Zone.  It’s 2015 people.  Install some plugs or have your planes take off on time.

Did I mention that Abby took off to buy flooring?  Because she did.  Just like last week when she took off to buy flooring.  She’s either buying a s*** load of Lumber Liquidator planks or that place is only open one hour a day.  Jill was not happy and immediately subtracted 1 from 365 to prove that Abby had 364 other days this year that she could have gone shopping.

Vertes Math.

With two days to go, Gianna and her ombré tips took charge of the rehearsals as the Moms went next door for vegan smoothies and whatever else was listed on that gigantic window menu.  That place certainly has quite an array of snacks for a place that just opened.  Please tell me you saw that gigantic bowl of chips the Moms were noshing on.

Baby Mackenzie would so jealous.  She’d rather eat chips than dance.

chWhile the Moms were busy snarfing Pringles, Holly got a call on her cell from Jeanette.

C’mon.  Is there anyone out there besides me who doesn’t have Holly’s phone number on speed dial by now?  And you see that new case?  How can she even hear it ring under all that bling?  I can’t imagine what’ll happen the next time Mikey Minden calls, because I don’t think even a new iPhone 6 right out of the box can handle that much Faaaabulous happening on the exterior and interior at the same time.

Because Mikey is Faaaabulous, you know.

798dd3373a31d07f936eb68e7a6c1fcbThe call was basically just Jeanette being nosey.  And then she hung up.

Side note:  Check it out.  Holly holds the phone like a Real Housewife now.  You know she never did that when she was a principal, because they just don’t do that.  But look at her now.  You go, girl.  Tell NeNe who gon’ check you, Boo.

Mad love for Mama Frazier.  Can’t wait for her Oprah 2.0 talk show to premiere.

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Somewhere around here was also when Melissa stated that Maddie was the most famous 12 year old in the country, which could be true or nah.  I dunno.  Holly’s cellphone gave me such a headache that I forget what happened next.

Back inside the studio, Melissa tried to coax Maddie’s emotions to the surface during her solo rehearsal by asking her to remember the first person she ever knew who died.

Which made her think of Abby’s Mom, Maryann Lorraine Miller.  Which then made her ugly cry and go hug Abby while Kendall photobombed the shot.

kk 2And then…believe it or not…the ALDCLA Studio was finally ready for its Grand Opening.

I swear.

Melissa had clearly never seen anything so beautiful, because after she was done walking around like she was with the band…

vip…she went out back and made the same face you make when you see your Gym Crush in a sweaty tank top for the first time.  This face.

mz4And then this one.

mz5And isn’t that the same frame they had for the photo booth at Melissa’s wedding, just upside down and painted white?  Look at how crazy Christi looks.  We miss her and her partner in crime.  I’m not sure what’s going on with Jill’s hair, tho.  Maybe she wore a hat to the ceremony.  I wasn’t invited, so I could be making some of this up.  Or all of it.

Melissa_Wedding_tumblr_mlfg4nGY6F1reed45o1_500The place was a tweeny bop zoo, packed full of 12 year olds who may or may not have been more famous than Maddie.  Some of them were posing on the Red Carpet, so I’m gonna assume they must have their face on a lunchbox or something.

Do kids still use those?  I bet they’re not metal anymore.

Wilson Phillips even showed up at the event just to skew the age demographics and get Carnie Wilson one step closer to her goal of being on every single Reality Television show in the history of Reality Television shows.

Side note:  OMG.  Austin Mahone just broke up with Becky G after like two months of dating.  And you didn’t think I knew what the kids were up to nowadays.  Gurrrl, pleez.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaFinally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Red Bottom Louboutins and not much else.  Nationals, baby.

Backstage, Maddie was running through her number while Nia got strapped into yet another head wrap.  Just like the one she wore last week.  And the week before.  And every week prior except for that one week when Abby made her wear an afro.

LaQuifa What?

They_Call_Me_LaquifaNot that my girl can’t #SLAY a wrap, but enough is enough.  #WeGetIt.

Jeanette and her mermaid daughter walked into the room for some reason, too.  Probably because it’s Dance Moms.  And we don’t lock our doors.

Nia and her head wrap were first to hit the stage.  She nailed it, even when the music skipped ahead 30 seconds due to some blip in the Time Space Continuum.

tumblr_mloh92FtDe1rjxj9ko1_500Srsly.  How does this keep happening?  Especially at Nationals?

Next up was Ava and her mermaid performance.  I swear she gets taller every time she dances, just like Chloe used to do.  Her splits in the air are ridiculous.  So good.

This week Ava even got her own confessional headshot for the first time.  And head shots are way cooler than ALDC track jackets sometimes.  Look at how different she looks with long hair when she’s not doing those ridiculously amazing splits 10 feet up in the air.

avaThe final solo was Maddie’s ‘Someone Special.’

But not until Abby popped up in her own head shot confessional wearing an outfit that I swore I had seen somewhere before, but couldn’t place…

a2…until I remembered.  And then I was all like Oh.  Hail.  No.

Legacy-of-Star-Trek-Uhura(Feel free to pause here and admit that I totally nailed that one.  I’ll wait.)

Backstage, Abby once again hugged the air out of Maddie’s lungs while forgetting that Nia had even performed on the same stage.  I think she may have acknowledged her performance eventually, but by then I was probably too distracted by Mackenzie wearing pigtails…AGAIN…and couldn’t fully appreciate the moment.

Pigtails and Head Wraps.  And Drugs.  Just Say No.

Both group routines were powerful and well executed.  The Broadway Apple Dumpling Dance Academy flung that bullseye around like sharpshooters while the ALDC did everything but cut off Mackenzie’s pigtails in the Emergency Room.  Maybe next time.

And then the Awards were handed out and it all went downhill.  At warp speed, Captain.

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The emcee was some big guy in a white tuxedo who looked like the waiter who always gets killed first in a Sopranos mob hit.  I think this was his first gig, because he kept boning everything even though he had a script right there in his hands.

Nia took Second Place in the Teen Division, which was still amazeballs, given the amount of time she had to rehearse and the fact that she was wearing another head wrap.  But who really cares when your videos are melting youtube.

Then some person took First Place.  And then the same person won again in the Junior Division.  And then the waiter/emcee took her trophy back.  And then Abby lost her noodle.  And then Melissa lost her noodle because she was sitting too close to Abby when she lost her own noodle.

Imagine how it all went down by the time Maddie came in second to Ava and the whole Waiting Room Dance flatlined at Second Place.

What is this?  We need to walk out.

Abby.  Went.  Crazy.  Pants.

Crazy.  Stretch.  Pants.

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She started asking the ENTIRE audience if they paid to get in the building.  And if they did, they needed to ask for their money back.  It was fixed.  It was a mess.  She even motioned for the girls to exit the stage before the awards were over so they could all run out of the building like she just smelled smoke in the theater.

What the what was happening?

com-abed-realizationJill, Melissa and Kira bolted out the door with Abby and Gianna, leaving Holly and Jessalynn all alone in the front row with their mouths hanging open.  Who does that?

Everyone was running in every direction like I don’t know what.  Abby was so hysterical she couldn’t even figure out how to open the auditorium’s back door that was clearly marked with an EXIT sign and a gigantic push bar.

Bonus points to Gianna for just walking past her with her Louis bag and hitting the road.

One more second and I swear Abby was gonna go through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

Or this Muppet guy.  But in the other direction.

wall crashIt was a hot mess.

Holly didn’t even know what to say.  For a few minutes, anyway.

Then she had plenty to say.

n1Did I mention that Nia and Holly both had a lot of the same #Faces this week?

Because they did.

And then it was over.

For the day.  And the season.  And maybe for who knows how long.  This kind of chaos could have some serious repercussions in the Hollywood Hills.  With a new business that’s barely 12 hours old and a team in shambles, it’s anyone’s guess what lies ahead for the ALDC.

Maybe we’ll find out next week on The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh.

For now, take a deep breath.  We made it.

Nationals are over.

See you at the Reunion.

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Dance Moms: It’s The Final Solo Battle Before Nationals, So Somebody Better #SLAY This Thing Right Now…Or Else.

Thursday, August 6th, 2015

js

 

 

 

#Janky

 

 

mm

 

 

 

Maybe because I’m FABULOUS, bitch. What exactly don’t you understand after all this time?

 

 

mdp

 

 

Let’s just keep it real. With only one week left, technique is more important than whether they can breath or not.

 

 

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#Nationals.

 

 

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And technically, I’m pretty sure it’s not illegal in CA unless it’s a plastic bag with a big zip tie.

 

 

jjb

 

 

 

Oh. My. Gawd. Get a snap of this big a** bow and then tell me I didn’t just die and go to Heaven.

 

 

h

 

 

Nobody pushes my baby around. Except me today when she blocked my closeup in the video. Mama’s werkin’ here, honey.

 

 

 

And I quote.

“Our girls are so crazy.  Those crazy girls.”

Mikey Minden said it.  Not me.  I’m just agreeing with him.

And that pretty much sums up this week’s episode of Dance Moms if you need to leave now.  Thanks for coming.  Drive safely.

But if you can stick around, let’s get right to the deets…because there was certainly enough crazy (…Spoiler Alert:  And FAAABulousness…) to fill an hour.

Beginning right out on the sidewalk as soon as the credits rolled.

After some pregnant lady stuff almost knocked her off the show last week, Kira was back with the other Moms outside 3rd Street Dance, feeling much better and discussing their plan of attack for the final competition before…say it with me…Nationals.

YGWUAvm

Using two thumbs and her invisible cell phone, Melissa asked Kira if she had seen any of the juicy dirt on social media about the upcoming weekend, because Erin Babbs and her dreaded MDP girls were coming back to try and steal another win out from under from the ALDC.  Needless to say, Kira was up to date.

Don’t you worry, Mel.  Even when she was being intravenously fed fluids through a tube in the emergency room, I’m pretty sure Kira had that other hand swiping through somebody’s Instagram.  She’s good like dat.

I did get a little bit of anxiety when I noticed that my MomCrush Jill was MIA, but it was quickly explained that she had returned to PA for a family graduation.  Kendall was still in California with the rest of the ALDC troupe (…her choice.  Jill didn’t forget her…) and Melissa was quick to let everyone know that she was in charge of the youngest Vertes in Jill’s absence, just in case any Twitter haters thought they could spin the situation into 140 characters or less on child abandonment.  Which was good to hear, because I’m sure somebody out there was already thinking it before Melissa even finished the sentence.

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Side note:  Speaking of.  Srsly with some of these Twitter peeps?  I mean.  I barely have enough time to watch this show and then recap it.  And I like all these little Dance Moms kids (…old AND new, thank you…) as much as anybody else.  But spamming and retweeting 1,000s and 1,000s of tweets and tweeting your hate tweets about how you hate little kids who hate tweet and making a secret Twitter club of grown a** adults who smack talk and hate tweet little kids who hate tweet?

We get it.  We know who your #ChoiceDancer and #CandiesStyleIcon is.  I like her, too.

But here’s a thought.  When you start posting more photos of a complete stranger from a television show than you do your own new grandchild…maybe it’s time to go off the grid.

I’m done with this subject.  Forever.  Or this week.  We now return to your regularly scheduled funny stuff already in progress.

And the good news for the rest of you?  That rant took up so much time and space that I don’t have room to post Abby Lee Miller in her racy lacy Lane Bryant bra this week.

ab1More than once, I mean.

The Pyramid of Shame was back again.  Was it just me or did those 6 tiny pictures taped to the gold bricks look like the first day in a Freshman dorm when you haven’t had time to decorate but can’t go to sleep in a strange place without at least one photo of all your BFFs wearing plastic New Year’s Eve 2014 glasses on the wall?

That Pyramid looked so lonely up there.

Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the bottom.  Kalani and Mackenzie were in the middle.  And Maddie was on top.  Rinse and Repeat.

Q.  Has Abby been using the same Pyramid since Season Three?  Because, I swear.

Oh.  And the grand opening of the new ALDCLA was still on schedule for next week.

Good job, Bob.  You single?

abThis week, the gang was headed to Anaheim, CA for the Dance Kids USA Competition.

That’s the one from last year where little kids are the judges and the dancers get unicorn stickers and smiley face emojis instead of points.  And everyone drinks from those plastic glitter Target cups that magically keep your beverages hot or cold.  😍💋😍🐴😍💄😍

In the last Cage Match Battle before Nationals next week…

giphy-42…Nia and Kalani were going up against each other to see who would fill one of the sacred solo spots at Nationals.  Next week.

When Nationals takes place.

Kalani’s solo was entitled ‘Shades of Grey’ like the book (…but hopefully not as nasty…) while Nia’s was simply called ‘Bye, Felicia’ like Drag Queens and Real Housewives always say when you get up in their face like a stupid hoe.

Vicky_vox_bye_feliciaThe ‘Made In The Shade’ group dance was a DoWhatYouDoBest kinda number that would utilize what I believe were the same flimsy, frilly parasols they used in that cartoon part of Mary Poppins when all the penguins danced like Dick Van Dyke.

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Props.  Lord Almighty.  When will they ever learn?  Clearly, nobody on this show reads my blog.  Look at how crazy Melissa looks right now.

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As the girls got to popping their Umbrella-ella-ellas backward and forward into each other’s eyeballs, we scooted over to MDP to see what wassup with Erin and all those red head sacks.  Because that’s what she was using for her ‘Last One Standing’ dance.

Red fabric satin gift bags from the Dollar Store turned upside down and cinched nice and tight around the girls’ necks with about 75 feet of Evil Villain Cape flapping in the breeze like this guy from the Batman comic books:

redhood-b66-7_zpsbae4e813Erin even said the exact same thing.  Go back and watch that part.

With two days left before…you know…the ALDC umbrellas were a hot mess.  After three of them either broke or turned inside out within the first 8 count, Jessalynn called them “Janky” and I grew to love her even more.  She’s a freakin’ hoot.

True Fact:  The Oxford Dictionaries added the word “Janky” to their listings this year, so clearly JoJo’s Mom was ahead of the curve when this was taped.

Right around here was also when Abby gave a 20 minute dissertation on Kalani’s character for the dance that I completely spaced out on midway through.  It was something about Disco Dancer  Roseanna Roseannadanna from Saturday Night Live who broke the hearts of all these gay men at Studio 54 in the ’70s or something.  I dunno.

Honestly, I knew Mikey Minden was coming up next with Nia’s new music video shoot and I kind of lost my focus due to all the upcoming Fabulousness that was about to get sprayed in my face.  I had to emotionally prepare myself and put plastic on the furniture.

And then it happened.  And it was sparkle-tacular.  ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Mikey did this a lot, while this other dude kept checking his texts…

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And then Mikey did it some more while that other dude tried rebooting his phone…

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The video was all like OhHeyGurrrrl

dragAnd Nia was all like Sup?

v2And then she was like…

v1And even like…

vMom Holly was so proud she even put on her Coachella hat again for some reason.

hatJoJo was a backup dancer in the music video and got to wear this ornamental bow contraption thingamabob that was so big that after filming she had to go outside and smoke a candy cigarette.  Because it was THAT good.  JoJo does love her BowBows.

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And her Miley Cyrus accessories.

No lie:  Carmen Electra even showed up to be in the video.

Not with this sense of urgency, of course…

CarmenElectra-Baywatch220…but in her defense, she was wearing a tiny Mad Max Thunderdome denim booty short ensemble kind of thing with the pocket flaps hanging out, which probaby explained why she couldn’t run very fast.  Because, you know.  You can’t really run with…those.

ce#CandiesStyleIcon.  Am I too late?

Side note:  Throughout the episode you never really saw Abby show any support for Nia’s blossoming musical career, but I also didn’t see anybody from Baywatch begging to run in circles with a pink umbrella, so…

tumblr_inline_n6msxhdIOr1sdq5iyJill Vertes Fashion Watch:  I think I forgot to mention that Jill came back from Pittsburgh with extremely toned triceps and some new hair.  That must have been a pretty awesome graduation party if you needed new extensions by the time it was all over.

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Side note:  In the ThrowBack Tuesday Special which aired directly after this DM show, Kendall made fun of Jill’s new Malibu VertesBarbie hair by making this face…

kk2…which is totally unrelated to the recap but funny.  Clearly, I heart Jill too much.

But at least I own it.

After a brief crafting session out behind the studio where all the Moms tried to MacGyver some dowels into sturdy umbrella exoskeletons (…did you notice that Holly was more than willing to help even though Nia wasn’t in the group number?  There’s no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM,’ people…but there’s a ‘FRAZIER’…) everyone headed back to the hotel to pack.

Finally it was Showtime!

The ALDC showed up carrying their open umbrellas because, you know…umbrellas, I guess.  Good thing their props weren’t park benches or that giant prison fence from two weeks ago, even though the MDP girls could probably have offered assistance and helped hoist them out of the bus after they finished doing their 100 push-ups in the hot sun.

Don’t ask.

Naturally, all the Moms from both sides came face to face outside the building and sniffed each other up and down like I dunno what circling a sand dune.  Jessalynn noted that all the MDP girls looked like cousins, which I believe was SiwaCode for something about inbreeding, though I could be mistaken.  But probably not.

Some random MDP Mom (…I have no idea who these women are, so we’ll just call her MDPM #1…) accused the ALDCMs of just being in it for the money and then somebody said something about Nationals again.

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Side note:  How much do we love these little judges?  They are IN.  TO.  IT.

jdgAnd you know those headsets aren’t even plugged into a transmitter, right?

It’s Britney, Bitch.

The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was first up with her solo and she nailed it.  It was all jazzy, urban-y, Nia-y and everyone loved it.  Except for Abby, who just kept shaking her head and looking at her iPhone.

Kalani followed Nia with a dance that somehow interrupted Abby’s cell service long enough to get her undivided attention for the entire routine.  Abby even called Kalani “breathtaking” when the number was finished.

After the solos were completed, Abby snubbed Nia so hard that it made me squint while all the MDP Moms watched in delight from the sidelines in the back hallway.  I’m not sure what that was all about, or why you would want to do something like that in front of your competitors.

PS.  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week:

h1Then there was another commercial for that manic Dance Moms Slumber Party thing that has been going on for the last 29 weeks.  When are these kids finally gonna go to bed fercryinoutloud?  Some of us have to work in the morning.

Behind the scenes in the makeup room (…which all the Moms were putting to good use this week, BTW.  You see everyone buffing themselves back there?…) the MDP gang burst in to stir things up again.

Do none of these doors have locks?  How does this keep happening?

They didn’t stay long though, because the group routines were up next.

The MDP Red Hood Dance had the Red Hood WOW Factor, while the ALDC routine had Mackenzie’s umbrella doinking out a spike and almost puncturing the carotid artery on the left side of her neck.  At least she wasn’t wearing pigtails.

Check out this kid in the audience sucking down a Pixie Stick while random MDPM #2 gets #11 lines in her forehead by frowning too much:

wtfI miss Toddlers & Tiaras.  And Pixie Sticks.  In that order.

And then the little kid judges handed out One Direction buttons and honorable mention construction paper certificates made out of macaroni and glitter pens.

Solos:  Kalani came in 3rd.  Somebody that didn’t get any camera time came in 2nd.  And then Nia took home First Place.  Nia Sioux.  That one.

First Place!  For this kid right here, yo!  #SLAY.

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Abby gasped in horror, but the way they edit some of this shizz lately it could have been a shot taken when a kid from another studio backflipped off the stage and went out on a stretcher in a neck brace.

omg

Or Abby could just be a hater.  Who knows.  I’ll let the #ChoiceDancer people deal.

Group:  Turns out the MDP girls cut off their own oxygen supply for no reason, because they ended up only taking home Second Place.  Which meant that the ALDC got back their mojo AND their First Place macaroni plaque all in one night!

Backstage, Abby hugged Kalani so hard she almost went to the emergency room with her Mom again as Nia and Holly just stood there and watched.  There was definitely not an even distribution of AbbyLove spread around the room this week.

And then the rules changed.

Again.

Just because Nia won First Place, it didn’t mean that she would be doing a solo at Nationals.  Even though those were the rules 59 minutes ago when the show started.

Solos were still up in the air.

In one week.

At Nationals.

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See you then, suckahs.

Lord Almighty.  I’m out.

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