Posts Tagged ‘Kalani Hilliker’

Dance Moms: It’s Solo Battle Round 1 As JoJo Goes Up Against Kendall K. Let’s Get Ready To ALDC Rumble!

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015

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Because I called the big googly glasses and frizzy hair today, that’s why. Now go home and change.

 

 

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#IHateYouGuys.

 

 

 

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I swear to Gawd. If ONE man in that chorus is prettier than me, I’m quitting this show for good.

 

 

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“Nationals.”

 

 

 

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I know, right? Check ’em out. Miley Cyrus socks. They even smell like her by the end of the day.

 

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Girrrrl, pleez. Did she just say 527 hair bows for one little girl? That is srsly messed up.

 

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If I can just knock this down and get to the door, I might stand a chance of getting out alive.

 

 

 

Let’s just get right to it, shall we?

It was Dance Moms: Lite as what was left of the ALDC all gathered in front of 3rd Street Dance to regroup after the dramatic exit of one of their own last week.

Kira and Kalani had (…once again…) jumped the Lukasiak/Hyland GetOuttaTown Bus and walked out on the team after a second throw down with Abby Lee Miller.  It was pretty dramatic, with lots of screaming and yelling and Alexa Moffett in a dress that the internet still hasn’t come to grips with seven days later.

They cried.  They quit.  And then they went home to Arizona, never to bee seen again.

Spoiler Alert:  Or not, maybe.

As the girls headed up to the penthouse rehearsal space 84 floors above street level, the few remaining Dance Moms…Moms…hung out on the sidewalk for a few more minutes to discuss their current situation.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Stripper Shoe Shout-Out:  It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, I guess.

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Holly really didn’t know if Kalani would come back after that second fight, which was a good lead-in to a quick flashback of Kira trying to maneuver her roly-poly suitcase around 42 Louis Vuitton bags and whatever that mess was behind Melissa.

Seriously.  Five seasons later and not one Mom has yet been able to scream “I’m Done!” and exit the building with all four wheels and/or their dignity still intact.

SuperFan TakeOver Flashback:  Do you remember when Melissa tried to bolt down that hallway in Season One carrying every trophy she could snatch and ran over those two kids that still have to sleep with the lights on four years later?

I love this show.

But that second fight between Kira and Abby wasn’t the Big One, at least according to Jessalynn.  It was the first one, a few weeks back, that had really set them off on a path to destruction.  Which gave a good lead-in to yet another flashback.

And an opportunity for me to use this photo for the third week in a row.  Do enjoy.

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Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Staaahp it with this woman.  HIGH-sterical.  AND you get to see Abby in her lacy Lane Bryant again?  Pretty much a Win/Win all around.

Side note:  Bonus Points to the Marketing Department for randomly placing that 3rd Street floor banner right out there in the middle of the sidewalk during filming.  I see what you did there.  You know you’re supposed to get city hall approval anytime you put something outside that blocks traffic and fire exits, right?  When that thing blows over in the wind and kills somebody, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  It’s public access, not a Trade Show booth.

Upstairs, the Pyramid of Shame had returned!

JoJo with the (..Spoiler Alert: 527…) Hair Bows and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the Bottom.  I almost forgot how this thing worked.

Side note:  Feel free to pre-order Nia’s on-fleeka duet with Coco Jones right here.

Yaaaaaaas!  Slay, gurl.  Slay.

Mackenzie and Maddie held down the mezzanine level of the Pyramid.

Wait.  What?  Maddie?

Turns out that Abby wanted to knock her Golden Child down a peg and make the oldest Ziegler work for that top tier status from now on.  No more Free Rides, honey.  Which would have been much more of a Teaching Moment if Abby had stuck her all the way down on the bottom and moved Nia up a peg, if you ask me.  But you know…

Whatev.  I’m pretty sure Maddie was too busy making music videos to even care.

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Drumroll.  Which meant that Kendall was on top of the Pyramid!!!  KK got all excited.  My MomCrush Jill got all excited.  Everyone was pretty excited.

About time Kendall got some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.

This week the gang was headed to Escondido, CA for the New York Dance Experience.

NYDE.  Which I totally thought said NYSE on the backdrop during previews.  Not that Maddie doesn’t already have enough money invested in SiaStocks to justify ringing the opening bell.  I just don’t think she can reach the button yet.

Kendall and JoJo scored the solos.  Top and Bottom of the Pyramid.  Just like in baseball.

KK’s solo was entitled ‘Immortal’ and had something to do with chariot races at the first Olympiad, while JoJo would be channeling her Inner Miley Cyrus in a tribute to the former Hannah Montana star who got really famous by doing stuff with one of those foam fingers you can buy at football games.

JoJo.  Loves.  Miley.

Like, OMG Smiley Face and Hearts loves Miley.

giphy11JoJo literally had to be put on a ventilator during the commercial break she loves Miley so much.  She even wears Miley Socks.  Maybe by the holidays Miley will finally start wearing underwear and put her face on that, too.  You better start making your Christmas lists now, kids, just to be on the safe side.

The ‘Don’t Fence Me In’ group routine was going to be based on a gigantic barbed wire (…duh…) fence prop, which was very timely considering that everyone on the news seems to be breaking out of prison nowadays.  (You don’t think that Jeff Collins is psychic, do you?  How else do you explain this week’s dance theme when the show is taped so many months in advance?)

As luck would have it,  Abby had more than enough available barricade surrounding the terminally-under construction ALDCLA site, so finding something for Mackenzie to swing on wasn’t going to be a problem.

F’realz.  Is that new studio even open yet?  It’s been like two years.  I bet they’re faking their Instagram feed with a green screen.  What’s the hold up, Bob?

maxresdefault-1This was an especially important week, tho, because the highest scoring ALDC soloist would move on to compete against NEXT week’s soloist in the battle for a spot at the…umm…they say it all the time.  And it always sneaks up on me every season.  What was the name again?

The Road To Nationals:  You know what to do every time you hear somebody say it.

tumblr_ndcjvy2ZVC1qk08n1o2_500Under 21?  Have a juice box.  We’ll make a game out of it.  It’ll be fun.

As the girls got to rehearsing, we went to check in on the Candy Apples.  Who were back again.  Except that they were called the Broadway Dance Academy dancers now and Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was not even listed on my DVR recording.

Don’t ask.

Jeanette Cota was also back, if that helps give you any sense of normalcy.  The way she explained it, she and Ava were here for the long run now that Chaos Cathy had moved on, whatever that means.  I’m pretty sure Cathy’s still alive, tho, because somebody is still talking smack about Abby on her Twitter page.  So I’m thinking she definitely just moved on…not passed on.

And if Jeanette was going to lead this new and improved team to victory, she was going to do it with edgy, controversial, on-trend subject matter that she could rub all over Abby’s face like butter on a biscuit.

Starting with Transgender issues and the impact it has on young members of the LGBT community.  And on Chloe’s Mom Liza, apparently, who got so overwhelmed by the subject matter that I thought somebody was gonna have to run across town and get JoJo’s inhaler.

Liza got all like…

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…and barely made it through Jeanette’s full backstory on the dance like…

VerklemptThat other lady still had on her razor slice necklace, too.  What the what?

Transgender Advocate Jay Pryor, whose life the It Gets Better musical project is based on, would be coming to visit soon, along with members of the Gay Men’s Chorus, who…wait for it…would be singing LIVE during competition.

Side note:  Did Jeanette call it the Gay MAN’s Chorus the first time, or was it just me?

Cuz I swear…

Jeanette was clearly going for the kill shot this week.

Just like Kira.  Who was baaaaaaack.

kg2No lie.  They were back already.  Granted, Kira and Kalani pulled into the parking lot on Day Two so slowly that I thought they had a nail in their tire.  But at least they were back.  And whatever swear word came out of Melissa’s mouth when they drove up is the same one that’s written on Kira’s vanity plates, because Lifetime blurred them both out at the same time.  No lie.

Honk if you Bleep.

The Dealio:  Kalani loved the team and wanted to finish up the season with her Dance Family.  Kira didn’t want to be there, but had flown back and forth and back again from AZ in the hopes that Abby would accept her daughter back into the fold and forget about the whole silly thing.

Side note:  How mad do you have to get that your entire shirt pops off in public, anyway?

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Better the back hallway of a hotel than in the middle of a mall food court, I guess.

I’m officially done with this photo for the week.  You can open your eyes now.

Naturally, Abby wouldn’t let Kalani back into the group routine since it was already a work in progress.  True, she can re-block a number four minutes before they go on stage every time she forgets a costume at home…but, still…it wasn’t gonna happen this time.

Especially since Abby felt that Kira wanted everyone to take it up the a** for some reason that escapes me right now.

Side note:  How about when Abby yelled at Kendall and told her that she was dancing like Mackenzie and then Mackenzie got all like Hello?I’mRightHereInTheRoom.

Hilarious.  Nationals is really getting everyone on edge.

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Back over at whatever the Candy Apples are called now, all of Jeanette’s guests arrived to make everyone cry.  Especially Liza, who cried like she was on a soap opera…

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…as Jay (…who used to be Janet…) told his story of self-awareness and transitioning from female to male after years of not feeling comfortable in his own skin.

I really liked Jay.  He reminded me of the Genius Bar guy at my local Apple Store who swapped out my iPhone 6 with no questions when the battery wouldn’t hold a charge.

Jay was super-smiley and so happy now that you couldn’t help but get a little fuzzy.  And any one who talks shizz about my boy Jay and his life choices is no longer allowed to read this blog.  So there’s that, too.  Choose carefully, because you don’t get a do-over.

Live your life, dude.

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Jeanette introduced her team to Jay, singer Jason and song writer Morten, whose funky black and yellow shirt looked like a Crate & Barrel pillow.  They all spoke and explained how important the story was and how it was all going to go down on stage at the competition.  Honestly, everyone smiled so much it freaked me out.  Not as much as Jay’s old breasts used to freak him out, I’m sure.  But close.

By the time we returned to 3rd Street, Abby was quizzing Kalani about her religious choices like she was the Pope or something.  Not dancing in the group routine was now considered penance for walking out on everyone last week.  Go say three Hail Marys and slap your mother for me.  Amen.

Finally, it was Showtime!  Hallelujah.

Outside the auditorium, the ALDC came face to face with the CADC/BDA in an odd moment that looked exactly the way I always imagined a PTA meeting on a Gay Pride float would look.  Jeanette and Jessalynn wore dueling Jackie O glasses (…Mama Siwa for the Win because hers were BeDazzled…) while the other Moms sniffed each other out like meerkats.

Bonus Points for Liza holding one of the little rainbow flags they stick in Greenwich Village cupcakes.  She might be my new favorite funny person in the event that Jessalynn can no longer fulfill her duties.

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Side note:  How about the two guys in suits and earpieces walking between the teams like somebody was going to pull a gun at an Escondido dancing competition?  You see them?

I need to know right now who the big bald one was.  He wasn’t taking crap from anybody.

In the makeup room, Jill contoured Kendall K’s face so hard I thought the extra ‘K‘ might have been for ‘Kardashian,’ while JoJo modeled her Miley Cyrus outfit for the crowd.  The sparkly costume itself was pretty snazzy, but somebody clearly cheaped out and bought her one of those Carol Brady wigs you always see advertised in the back of Ok! Magazine.  Not cool.

And then Abby gave one last pep talk to the soloists about how this could make or break their chances for Nationals.

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Rachelle “Sas” Rak Sighting:  Yaaaas!  There she was at the table, right next to some judge wearing a Forest Ranger hat.  I’m not sure if my girl was just keeping it low-key this time or if they kept showing the same shot of her over and over the entire evening.

But she never moved once.

#BiteTheApple.

jdJoJo was first up and she legit hit the stage like a Wrecking Ball.  At first she was all like…

maxresdefaultBut then ended up more like…

rudolph-yukoncornelius-9…when she completely forgot all her choreography.

Kendall, on the other hand, remembered hers.  Clearly my MomCrush was off a week or so when she declared that previous week as National Kendall Week, because KK was on fiyah this time around.  Wear Em Out, girl!

Side note:  After all the controversy (…and exposed undergarments…) surrounding Embracegate, it was certainly a nice surprise to see Abby actually hug it out with JoJo following her less than stellar performance.  Maybe Bumbles really can bounce and come back with a softer side.  Guess we’ll just have to wait and see, Cornelius.

527:  The number of hair bows that JoJo owns.  Officially announced right here during one of those Dance Moms Slumber Party thingamabobs where all the girls talk at once and write on dry erase boards.  527.

And then the groups performed.  And NAILED it.  Both of them.

It was clearly a tough decision, but in the end the ALDC came in on top and beat the CADC/BDA.  One.  Two.

But Jay’s story was more important to Jeanette than the actual win this time.  And I have to agree.  I don’t have to agree when people have bikini bathing suit tan lines and then wear a strapless dress to a dance competition, but her team’s moving performance on stage made up for Jeanette’s whackadoodle lack of sunscreen.

And then it was over.

The ALDC was back on top.

Kira and Kalani were sticking around.  For now, anyway.

These two were getting ready for a solo showdown.

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And Abby’s hair inexplicably did this right as the credits started to roll.

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One week closer to Nationals, people.

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Dance Moms: It’s Second Verse, Same As The First When Abby And Kira Go Another Round. Is It The Final Battle?

Friday, July 17th, 2015

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Chill. I’m just here to teach my student. And I was so excited to get here I forgot to put my pants on.

 

 

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Imma let you finish that last donut, Jill, but then I think you need to lay off the bus snacks. Dang.

 

 

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#OhNoSheDin’t.

 

 

 

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They say it’s a dry heat, but you know the minute I step outside Imma frizz up like a chia pet.

 

 

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#ToldYouSo.

 

 

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Imma let you finish, but Kendall K. had one of the BEST videos of all time. And her Mom’s hot.

 

 

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Now I know my hair looks amazing and all, but this blog doesn’t even make sense anymore.

 

 

 

Kidding.

About the donut part, I mean.

My MomCrush Jill doesn’t need to lose any weight.  She’s looking straight up fly these days, coming back from every commercial break with a new hairdo and climate-friendly LA ensemble in her confessionals.  Despite the fact that the aerosol emissions from this show alone are probably eating a gigantic hole in the ozone, Mrs. Vertes still somehow manages to keep it on-trend every week.

It’s just that the picture was too good to pass up.  I mean, c’mon.

Look at Holly all up in the back of Jill’s stuff like “How many Bump-Its you got on today, Woman?”  Timing is everything in the butt-shot screen-cap world, people.

Just don’t get me started on Kanye,  because I’m only allowed one big a** joke per week and I already used it at Jill’s expense.

But we love Jill.  And Jill’s multiple Bump-Its.  And Holly, of course.  Mad love for Holly.

So y’all relax.  I’m just here to make fun of everybody.

Which sets up a nice segue into this week’s episode of Dance Moms.

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The Road to Nationals: Mentioned within the first 24 seconds.  Jessalynn for the win.

All the Moms were back on the sidewalk outside 3rd St. Dance as the show started, wondering if Abby Lee Miller would even show up after last week’s (…self-imposed or maybe nah?…) Siberian exile.  Jill was drinking from one of those mysterious iced coffee cups covered in black electrical tape and poking everyone in the eye with the straw because she talks with her hands too much.  You ever notice that?

Jessalynn was incognito behind a giant pair of those blinged out sunglasses they always wear on Mob Wives until someone calls you a (bleepin’ bleep) and bitch slaps them off your face with a cocktail glass full of Grey Goose.  Melissa‘s hair looked nice, but she was acting like she hadn’t had her first cup of Joe yet.  Holly was selling tickets to her Michelle Obama gun show (…I swear Dr. Beyoncé must have a travel gym bag that came with those colored rubber tubes you tie around bathroom door knobs and a CD for bicep and tricep work.  Pow Pow…) and Kira, as always, was on the cutting edge of social media.

R.I.P. Pyramid of Shame:  Is that not a thing anymore?

Before they even entered the building, the Moms somehow knew they were headed to Phoenix this week for the Xpression Dance Competition.

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Arizona.  Kira and Kalani‘s home state.  Which meant that Kira had called up Kalani’s old dance instructor and asked her to choreograph a solo for her former student and that I had Googled ‘Ditat Deus’ because that’s AZ’s state motto and I don’t even remember taking Latin in 7th grade even though my report card says I did.

Ditat Deus:  It has something to do with how cost effective it is to fly an Arizona dance teacher all the way to California and then fly her right back to Arizona for a competition.

Through the magic of social media, Melissa and Kira also knew that the ALDC‘s dreaded arch nemesis Candy Apples would be at the competition in Phoenix.  After flying all the Apple Kids and Apple Moms from Ohio to California to rehearse for some reason and then flying them all to Arizona for the competition and then flying them all back home to Ohio, that is.  Because, you know…Ditat Deus.

I swear this show is a test.  Just put down an answer.  Don’t worry about how you got it.

Speaking of.  Next thing you knew, we were at the International Dance Academy down the street somewhere, getting reacquainted with the Candy Apples Contingent.

Everyone except Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein, that is.  The leader of the Evil Dance Lair was nowhere to be seen.  Just like Abby, who we had not yet laid eyes on.  So that’s 2 for 2 if you’re keeping score.  And no explanation given on this disappearance, either.

But have no fear.  The CADC would not be wandering aimlessly, bumping into each other on stage, because in came Jeanette Cota to save the day!

Insert RyanLochteFace here: ________.  Jeeeeahhhh!

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Dat’s rite.  You heard me.  Ava‘s Mom, her crazy hair and even crazier shortest shorty shorts evah were in charge of the entire Candy Apples production this week!

(Spoiler Alert:  Don’t get too attached to that shorty short title, honey.)

You remember Ava.  She’s the pretty, pretty lengthy dancer that Abby tagged as a Praying Mantis.  Which is totes mean, BTW, but not as mean as the hit that other girl with the big ears took that night in the back hallway.

Side note:  That was a joke.  We’ve already had this Who’sGotTheBiggestEars discussion a million times.  So hate tweets, please.  And keep your voice down around Chloe.

Because…you know.

Bonus Points to Chloe’s Mom, Liza, for that Power MallWalk she took down the hall when she was chasing after Abby that night.  Remember that?  That one still gives me Life.  You go, girl.  You go and check out the sale windows at Kohl’s.  We’ll wait.

I’m going to assume that Jeanette got the fill-in job because she runs her own dance studio back in Michigan.  Which means she probably flew all the way from Michigan to Ohio, found the CADC building empty, got back on a plane and flew to California to meet up with the Apple Moms.  Which also means she’ll probably fly back to Ohio with them to help unpack all their (…Spoiler Alert #2…) Björk tutu dresses and then board yet another Delta 747 home to Michigan.

Racking up some serious Frequent Flier Ditat Deus miles along the way, of course.

This show.  I swear.

And what’s the deal with all the frizzy hair at Candy Apples now?  It can’t just be a coincidence.  Is there a box to check off on the applications now?

You’ve got Jeanette on the days she doesn’t flat iron.

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And Melanie, who still owes me for the soda she knocked over in a Boston foodcourt.

mh2And this Mom, who either really likes that razor slice necklace or just can’t get it off, because I’ve never seen her not wearing it around her throat.

fz1And this lady, who’s actually a famous person and a test to see if you’re even paying attention or just skimming all my hard work and looking at pictures.

Shakira-575x359Side note:  The name of Jeanette’s studio is JC’s Broadway Dance Academy.  Like the guy from ‘N Sync.  He’s so dreamy, right?  Even though he’s like 74 now.

Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Abby finally showed up after a week’s hiatus.  At least physically, anyway.  Mentally, she kinda reminded me of myself when I get my drowsy and non-drowsy allergy pills mixed up on the weekends.

(Srsly.  Is it really that difficult to make them in different colors, CVS?)

No Pyramid.  No talk.  No fun.  Nothing.  Just dance class.  Just like the Moms had been asking for ever since Christi threw that Slushie in Leslie‘s face down in N’awlins.

Something ain’t right with that woman.  And it’s not just fatigue from picking out Home Depot switch plate covers for the new ALDCLA.

And then Alexa Moffett showed up!  Kalani’s old dance teacher arrived to snap her former student out of her dance funk and to also snatch that shortest shorty shorts EVAH trophy right out of Jeanette’s sweaty hands.

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Srsly.  Did you see those things?  Or…could you even?  I’m going to assume Alexa didn’t drive to the studio, because there was no way she could fit keys in there.

But we really liked Alexa.  First when she was out back talking to Kira, figuring out a plan of attack.  And then even more so when she finally got up the nerve to fix her wedgie and go face-to-face with Abby in the studio.  Before she even spoke her first word, Alexa had already been on screen longer than Tessandra Chavez had last week.  That was a plus.

You might remember Alexa from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  Or a billion other things, including her OVER ALL win for Disney’s SHAKE IT UP competition, where she and her peeps beat out 60,000 other entries for I dunno know what.  But she won.

And she’s really cute, even though she slouches more than I thought a dance teacher was supposed to slouch.  But that could just be me after seeing too many Boston Ballet students waiting for the subway in 4th position.  Who knows.

Alexa also has that sorority girl kind of hair that you comb through with one hand over the top of your head while you’re holding your iPhone and a Starbucks with the other and somehow the part magically changes sides.  And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Note to Chloe Smith:  The song on Alexa’s website really blasts when the screen first loads.  It’s Star Wars music or something.  So be careful.  Because…you know.  Ears.

After a few seconds of gratuitous chit chat, Abby finally looked up from her phone.  Alexa looked at Abby.  Abby said “So what’s your story?”

And then Alexa said “I’m just here to teach my student.”  

And the gravitational pull of the Earth momentarily shifted.

Holly and her #EmptyChair were all like…

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Jill was all like…

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 And then she was all like…

whAnd then she was all like…

tumblr_mqprgc5cBC1sd5i8po1_500Alexa ain’t scared of no Abby Lee Miller.  Or her contract, which Abby tried to pull up on her phone to prove I don’t know what while Gianna noted that she had not approved Kalani’s music, since I guess she is now in charge of iTunes DRM copyright clearance or something.  Sometimes the editing on this show, combined with sitting too close to my television, just gives me brain static.

Somehow, through the magic of shorty shorts, Alexa swiped control of Kalani’s solo right out from under Abby and Gianna.  No contract.  No arguments.  No pants.  No nothing.

No idea how it happened, either.  But she did it.

Side note:  The girls from both teams actually did some rehearsal dancing in and around all this hilarity, but it paled in comparison to the drama.  So just trust me on this one, because we’re already going OT on the recap.

Finally, it was Showtime!  In beautiful hot, humid, gross Phoenix, AZ.

Backstage, Gianna and Abby were still eerily silent as they sat and watched Alexa (…who had traded in her shorty shorts for a more formal dress with no front and no back…) run Kalani through her no-acro solo.  Our girl was getting her mojo back.  You could just tell.

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On stage, Ava nailed her crazy leg ‘Praying Mantis’ routine.  Followed by Kalani, who definitely got her money’s worth during ‘The Investment.’  Not gonna lie.  Both girls know their shizz.

As everyone prepped for the group routines back in the dressing room, Gianna and Abby started doing Dance Math again.  Five minutes before curtain showtime.

11125348744_2a75b75427_bSuddenly Kalani was too old and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was just right and Mackenzie showed up just in time to drop the team’s average age down a notch because I don’t even remember her being in the first 52 minutes of the show at all.

I swear these girls will be 42 years old and still somehow performing in that damn Junior category.  I don’t know how Abby does it, but clearly she’s no better at counting birthday candles than she is at measuring carpet squares and getting her freakin’ ALDCLA studio open before 2017.

Needless to say, Kira and Kalani flipped out.  Maybe Kira a little more than Kalani.  But enough was enough for both of them.

After reliving their last epic meltdown, thankfully sparing us another shot of Abby in her Lane Bryant undergarments…

ab1(Psych.  There it is again.)

…Kira was done.  You could just tell.

But not until the group routines were performed.  At least according to the version they showed on my TV.  The Twitter version says the opposite.  Leave me out of it.

The CADC girls danced their ‘Famous Infamous’ routine in tutus that I really thought had carrots sewn into the halters straps for the first 32 counts, until I realized they were supposed to be swans.

Like this.

Screen-Shot-2013-11-14-at-4.58.09-PM

But actually more like this.

3404005The ALDC girls, on the other hand, didn’t dance in any form of poultry and yet managed to make it out of ‘The Panic Room’ just fine, actually taking First Place for their performance.

Ava scored 4th and Kalani took First Place like a rockstaaah.  Alexa got all ToldYouSo.

And then it all got bad.  Really bad.

From this point on, I don’t really know what happened.  Everyone has a different version on how it all went down.  Before the awards.  After the awards.  During the awards.  On the bus.  Off the bus.  Under the bus.

All that really matters is Kira and Kalani quit at some point.

And that’s not cool.  At all.

Everyone started screaming and crying and quitting and threatening to quit and un-quitting and re-quitting until my palms were so sweaty I couldn’t grip my own shorty short trophy from high school.  Yes, I have one.  And I earned it, thank you very much.

And then Kalani cried and it was all over.

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Our girl was gone.

For good this time.  I think.

As they walked off into the sunset (…was Alexa’s dress on backwards?…) everyone was bawling and trying to figure out what had just happened.

akkGoodbye, Kalani.

If you’re really gone, we miss you already.

Muah.

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Dance Moms: It’s Kidz Bop And Death Drops When Shangela Returns To The ALDC. But What Happened To Abby?

Friday, July 10th, 2015

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I know, right? That chick is wearing pigtails again. Isn’t she the same age as Miley Cyrus now?

 

 

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No, I’m serious. Is somebody gonna move this gold statue? It’s starting to freak me out.

 

 

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I don’t remember yo Mama’s hair being so on point the last time. It’s Chica Mica on Fleeka. Halleloo!

 

 

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#ThatsMyBaby!

 

 

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#TakeYourOwnSelfie

 

 

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I swear to Gawd I’ll block my own mom on Twitter if she screws up my hair again next week.

 

 

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Just so we clear. When you’re this Fabulous, even yo’ fleek is on fleek. Mmmkay, girl?

 

 

 

Hello?

Anybody there?

Can you hear me?  Anybody?

Waldo?

1407167638732Carmen Sandiego?

carmen_sandiegoAbby Lee Miller?

Insider-Abby-Lee-Dance-MomsWhere the hell is everybody?

Not on Dance Moms, that’s for sure.

It was quiet this week in City of Angels.  Eerily quiet.

Probably because Abby Lee Miller was gone.

Not RIP gone.  Sorry.  Don’t get your hopes  up, all you people on Twitter who spend more time worrying about a reality television show than about what you’re gonna feed your own kids for dinner tonight.  You know who you are.  And don’t some of you have jobs or new grandkids or…I dunno…television remotes with a channel-changer button?

(Got that weekly rant out of the way extra early this time.  I feel better already.)

I mean MIA gone.

Like nowhere to be found.

And she took the Pyramid of Shame with her, apparently, because as soon as the credits rolled we were already 17 stories up in the 3rd Street Dance Studios wondering where everybody was and how Mackenzie already has over 2 million Instagram followers.

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Seriously.  Did you see her laying there on the floor clicking smiley faces and “like” hearts while everyone else was worried that Abby’s lifeless body could be laying in a ditch somewhere under the northbound 14 overpass?  😂 Hysterical.  We ♥ Mackenzie.

Or MackZ.  Or MackenzieBoo.  Or whatever her name is this week.

Even the Moms were having issues with Abby’s no-show status.  Especially my MomCrush Jill, who was justifiably concerned that Abby’s absence could adversely effect the upcoming seven day celebration known as Kendall Vertes Week.

Drinking Game Alert:  Slam one back every time Jill mentions that it’s “Kendall’s Week” and then find yourself a nice park bench somewhere to sleep off that bender.  I dare you.

Side note:  The way she was going on and on about it, I was a little concerned that banks and post offices would be closed during this newly christened national observance, because I always wait till the last minute to cash my payroll check and then try to float rent every month.  But false alarm…they’re open.  Just be aware that buses and subways are running on a limited holiday schedule.

Speaking of.  Jill, I mean.  Not me bouncing checks…

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Honestly, I don’t even remember what she wore this week because I was too busy trying to keep track of all the hairstyles that kept popping up on my screen like Mackenzie emojis.  I mean…whoa.

There was NewBigHair Jill.

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And AerosmithGroupieRockerChick Jill.

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And ShortHairWithFrostedSideSweptBangs Jill.

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And I don’t even know what this thing is so I’ll just call it PTABakeSaleFlashback Jill.

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How’d she get all them fancy hairstyles in one week?  How does that even happen?

I mean, I know how it happens with a Pretty Growing Hair Barbie if you inappropriately stick your finger up under her pink Mad Men dress, find her belly button…button…and yank on her ponytail like you’re snatching somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot.

But how does all that happen to a real human being in 60 minutes?

(Forty two minutes if you subtract all the Magic Mike XXL commercials.  I’m starting to think that Lifetime ladies are just dirty girls like the rest of us.)

It was like somebody was using the same CGI special effects you always see in action hero movies or something.  Like she’s really just wearing one of those old lady bathing suit caps and they’re green screening her hair on during every talking headshot.  Not that seeing Jill shoot laser beams out of her eyes would be a bad thing, of course.  It might be even cooler than watching her throw a shoe while wearing a cowboy hat in 3D.

But I doubt it.

One….Yes.  Kendall’s Mom IS pretty much my hero.  And Two…Please don’t tell me I’ve been crushing on an imaginary LucasFilm Jar Jar Binks Jill all this time.

Side note:  It’s true.  I love Jill almost as much as she used to love me until I started stalking her online and retweeting this MomDance gif every other week.

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Side note 2:  Kidding.  Stalking is bad.  This gif on the other hand?  Hilarious.

Side note 3:  No.  I did NOT play with Barbie dolls when I was little.  My sister did, thank you very much.  I was all about Captain Action back in the day.  Did you know that his Spider-Man costume in mint condition now goes for enough bank on eBay to cover all that rent I’ve been bouncing?  Keep your toys in the original packaging, kids.

Trust me.  Just do it.  Never play with your toys ever.  Sacrifice your childhood.

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Anyway.  Where were we?

Oh, yeah. A Programming Note:  For tonight’s performance, the role of Abby Lee Miller will be played by Gianna Martello and her ombré highlights.  Please do enjoy the show.

Since there was no Abby in the hizzle, we zoomed right past the Pyramid and let “G” assign solos.  Cuz that’s what the Moms call her, you know.  G.  Cuz she’s so gangsta.

Like a G-6.  Sippin on sizz.  Imma make it fizz.  Poppin bottles at the crib.  Google it.

To shake things up at the competition this time, EVERYONE  was getting assigned solos.

Wha–?  That’s crazy.  Everyone?  So not only was it Kendall’s Week…but it was also Solo Week!  Which means that for the next month and a half we’re going to hear the word “Nationals” so many times you’re gonna want to pull out your own Ariana Grande clip-on by the time we get to the Reunion Show.

Brace yourself.  The Road to Nationals begins now, folks.

We’ll cover who got what solo at some point, I’m sure…but right now we needed to scoot over to the recording studio and see what sort of Fabulousness my boy Mikey Minden was about to spray in our unprotected faces, because it was time for The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia to put on a funky chapeau and get working on her new rap song.

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Clearly, this #StarInYourOwnLife Acela train is showing no signs of slowing down any time soon, so you might want to secure those Louis Vuitton carry-ons in the overhead compartments before anyone gets hurt.

This week, Mikey fabulously hugged everyone and then fabulously introduced us all to Music Producer Andrew and some very nice lady with no name when Nia and Holly arrived for a Skype call with singer Coco Jones.

You remember Coco.  She sang a song on that Dance Moms Holiday Special right before Abby gave Nia Sioux all those pots and pans and told her to get back into the kitchen and bake her a cake.  Coco also hosted that sleepover slumber party thingamabob where all the ALDC girls ate too much candy and then tried to see who could text a boy fastest with one hand.

Coco was also on some Disney something or other movie, because that’s kind of a thing with this show lately.  I blame Todrick Hall.  Who’s awesome, BTW.

Basically, Nia and Coco Skyped and got all excited to meet up soon while Holly just sat back and made a bunch of ProudMama HollyFaces.

We love Holly.  When she gets excited she just needs to watch what she’s doing, though, because she almost slipped in some of the Fabulousness that Mikey dripped on the floor.

Back at the temporary ALDCLA, the Moms were still wondering if Abby would ever show up again after last week’s massive blowout with Kira.  Jill was concerned that Abby was neglecting her duties as Kendall’s manager (…especially important during this National Kendall Week when her new single was dropping on iTunes…) and I was concerned that if Abby never returned, the last thing I would remember was seeing her in a bra.

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So there’s that.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kira and Kalani came back after storming off to Arizona last week.  And that JoJo with the BowBow was performing at Disney’s Kidz Bop this week, whatever that is.  And that I saw Abby Lee Miller in a bra.

Because I did.  And still do.  Even when I close my eyes.

Side note:  As each girl rehearsed their respective solos, I hope everyone was paying close attention to all the subtle zingers that Gianna was tossing at their heads like grenades.  You haven’t won lately?  You got beat by who last time?

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Best.  SideEyes.  Ever.

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And then this happened.

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Shangela Laquifa Wadley arrived, bitches.

IMG_1231Halleloo!  Nia’s Death Drop Mentor busted through the door just like I do when my skinny jeans still fit on a Monday.  And the crowd went wild.

Remember back in Season One when Shangela first taught Nia her signature move and almost gave the kid an aneurism?  That was a moment for the Time Capsule.

This time, Holly had called up Shangela for help with Nia’s rapping skills.  Because, I mean, what good mother doesn’t have at least one drag queen on speed dial for just such an occasion, right?  You never know when you might need to lay down an eight count bar or duct tape a leaky pipe.

Are you kidding me?  Shangela on speed dial?  First Mikey Minden and then Aubrey O’Day and now Laquifa What?  Can I just live in Holly’s iPhone for one day, please?

Gurrrrrrl.

Shangelas was all like flippin’ it.

tumblr_nr54r3B1yO1tb8iyko2_500And posin’ it.sw1And werkin’ it.

tumblr_nr54r3B1yO1tb8iyko4_500And giving me so much Life that I just ’bout did this on my living room floor…

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To help Nia Sioux channel her Inner Snoop Dog, Shangela had brought along a blinged-out necklace that was kind of a cross between Flava Flav‘s clock and one of those tiny DIY chalkboards they sell at Crate & Barrel to identify what kind of cheese balls you’re serving at a party.

After ceremoniously placing it around her neck, Shangela and the the Royal Family of Frazier announced that, from this day forward throughout the land, Nia Sioux’s rap name would be Chica Mica.  All hail Chica Mica.

Whose eyebrows are on Fleeka.

Foshizzle, Jill was groovin’ on the dope a** beat dropz, but she didn’t seem very happy that Shangela was taking up valuable studio time during National Kendall Week.  Let’s just say that it was an issue for the remainder of the episode and keep it moving.

Side note:  There was also a lot of discussion surrounding whether or not Melissa knew where Abby was this week, what she was up to and why she wasn’t answering her cellphone.  I guess some friends of the Ziegler Familia had gone out with Abby the night before but refused to turn her over to the authorities, so Melissa stuck with the story that she had no idea what happened to Abby and then (…according to Kira…) somehow ended up calling herself a liar before running out of the room.m1

Melissa also firmly stuck to the story that all the other Moms were being big bitches before she slammed the door.  Honestly, I was too busy thinking of words that rhymed with ‘Fleeka’ to really know what was happening for a few minutes.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time to fix that nasty gash in the Sheer Talent backdrop.

You see that thing?  It looked like a human head went through it during some frantic acro jazz flip gone awry at the last competition.  Sheer Talent keeping it klassy with a giant bandaid and some pink paint.  That’s how they do.

Sorry.  Not even close, folks.  So not cool.  Especially since it was right down there where all the kids were crawling and flipping and flopping all day.

Side note:  I’m pretty sure that if they can give Jill Vertes 23 different hairdos in one episode, somebody could have pixelated out that eye sore in post-production.

Kalani’s ‘Reign’ choreography fit her perfectly.  Plus she looked like one of the ladies you always see on a deck of cards in Vegas, so bravo.  Mackenzie performed to ‘SuperStar’ in an attempt to get her to stop dancing “so little” even though somebody gave her more kindergarten hair again.  One step forward.  Two pigtails back.

National Kendall Week continued with a ‘Welcome To My Life’ introspective routine that Jill wasn’t loving from the second it hit the stage, mostly thanks to Abby’s lack of support.  Nia Sioux had much better luck with her ‘House of Voodoo’ performance, thanks in part to a crazy good costume and Skeletor makeup.  And mad talent, of course.

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Maddie was head to toe gold spray paint during her ‘Golden Girl’ dance, which was ok I guess, though I had hoped for more of an homage to Sophia, Blanche, Rose and Dorothy.

And then some kids won some stuff.  And right before Nationals, too.

MackZ took First Place and then finally took out those stupid pigtails.  Kendall snagged Third, Maddie came in First, Nia scored Second (…which was huuuuuge according to Mom…) and Kalani was back on top with First Place.

I probably forgot to mention that there were 27 different age categories, which is why none of that scoring probably made any sense.  My bad.

Maddie did manage to get Abby on her cellphone at some point after the awards were handed out, but it was pretty insignificant so I can’t remember much of what they said.  Abby sounded all messy, tho.

And then the Moms fought some more.

Nothing compared to last week, because everyone kept their tops on.  But Jill still got mad at Holly for taking advantage of opportunities.

Which made Holly get all like…

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…again.

And then it was Jill’s turn to say “I’m Done!” before heading out the door with two roly poly suitcases that kept tipping over.  Five seasons later and I swear that slapstick routine never gets old.  Wheelie luggage is just not meant for dramatic exits.

And that’s all I got for this week.  It’s over.

I think we drag (…queened…) this one out as long as we could.

So just go now, please.

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