Posts Tagged ‘Kalani Hilliker’

Dance Moms Girl Talk: Lock Up The Moms And The Boys, Because It’s A Girls-Only Night In The Clubhouse.

Wednesday, April 30th, 2014

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I must have missed the memo during my video shoot. When did Blondie get her own talk show?

 

 

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Girl…I’m not one to gossip, but let’s just say somebody was giving away candy in the 6th grade.

 

 

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No. Srsly. You’ve got about three seconds to finally ask me one question or Imma gon’ flip this chair.

 

 

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Laquifa What…? Not another Girl Party. Somebody please stuff me or get me outta here right now.

 

 

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This is my ‘You All Wish I Was Coming Back To This Crazy Show’ Face. Wanna see another one?

 

 

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No…really. Over here. I’m not joking. I’m being serious. How many fingers am I holding up?

 

 

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Somebody better bring me some ice cream before I start throwing down with Audrey Hepburn.

 

 

 

Uh oh.

Honey, I shrunk the Dance Moms.

All of ‘em.  Or at least I think that’s what happened, because everyone looks a lot smaller than they did at the last Reunion Special.

Turns out it was a Mom-Free Zone in the ALDC Clubhouse this week as only the tiny dancers were allowed inside for some Girl Talk.  Party dresses. sparkly stuff and bubble gum scented lip gloss as far as the eye could see.  But No Moms.

And definitely No Boys.

Which, according to Maddie, was because they were all over at Brooke‘s house trying to score a little sumthin sumthin.  But more on that one later.  Getting ahead of myself.

You know I have a love/hate relationship with these fluffy filler shows.  I prefer more MomMeat on the bone, thank you.  But it’s been a long time since I’ve gone to an all-girls sleepover, so I thought it might be fun to tip back a few juice boxes, channel my inner tweeny bop and talk about how OMG dreamy that One Direction boy is.

And you know which one I’m talking about.

My man Jeff Collins got the show started in his patented, uncomfortably charming Andy Cohen-wannabe way.  But without a tie this time.  Because you don’t wear a tie to a Girl Party.  Duh.  That would be totes magotes lame.

Since this was a Girls-Only situation, Jeff wasn’t even allowed in the same camera shots as the dancers.  Rules are rules.  So he was off somewhere else introducing each segment in front of a backdrop that was nothing but pink shelves and a million bottles of booze.  I swear.  Go back and look.

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Didn’t anyone else think that was odd?  Or hilarious?  Or both?  I know the Moms like their vino, but I’m pretty sure they don’t bring it to their kids’ birthday parties.

The way this thing was going to go down was that Jeff would ask random questions that had come in over the internet and then the girls would answer.

Side note:  The fact that Twitter almost crashed when everyone in America immediately started tweeting out questions for the girls made me question the future of our country.

They’re not sitting their live on Skype, honey.  It was like when there’s a Facebook contest and everyone starts posting things without reading the rules.  Stop it.  I mean it.

Maddie, Chloe and Sasha Nia were the first out in the IKEA hot seats, sitting in front of what I imagined the Mattel Barbie trade show booth must look like during the International Toy Fair.  Part of me wondered if maybe Jeff was just on the other side filming his parts.

Q.  Maddie/Chloe:  Are you two rivals?  Some flashbacks with THE tiniest little Maddies And Chloes evah.  I forgot how much they’ve grown up.  I think they are both still friends, even though there were a few moments of exceptionally uncomfortable Snark between them that was pretty impressive for their young ages.

Q.  Chloe:  Does it bug you that Maddie is the favorite?  Chloe stated that she needed to accept the fact that she was Numero Dos, which then led into a flashback of that infamous scene where she actually beat Maddie for about ten minutes before Abby went to the judges table and got the scores adjusted.  Watching Chloe hand over the First Place trophy like she was returning a baby to its birth mother still makes me sad.

When they cut back to the girls just staring at each other on the set, Nia was all like ’Guurrrrrrlllll Glad that wasn’t me.’  Snap.  How can you not love Nia?

Q.  Maddie:  Have you ever been yelled at by Abby?  Some rambling about not having a solo for three whole weeks and then a flashback to Abby telling her not to cry.  For a simple yes or no question, it took her awhile to spit out the answer.

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Cut back to Nia pointing out that three weeks ain’t the end of the world, sistah.  To which Maddie responded with a snooty ‘Now I know how Nia feels.’  Yikes.

Needless to say, Jeff immediately jumped to the next question before Nia went all Laquifa on Maddie’s Breakfast At Tiffany’s head.

If you read that one a couple more times you’ll realize it’s hilarious.

Q.  Maddie:  How’z about that time the music stopped during your dance?  This one was pretty self explanatory.  They showed a clip of that time Maddie’s CD got all wonky in the middle of her routine.  Since I wasn’t really paying attention I almost called Xfinity to find out why the sound on my television kept cutting in and out.  The Audio Guy trying to wipe the disc clean on his sleeve was pretty professional.

Q.  Maddie/Chloe:  Your favorite duet?  The ‘Black Swan.’  It was Chloe’s favorite because she got to be the Bad Girl.  And kill Maddie.  So there was that awkward moment right before the two girls high-fived each other and left Nia hanging.

Q.  Why the hell is Nia even on the set and when are you gonna ask her a question?  She’s a Diva, dammit.  Apparently no one had an answer for that one.

Next up was Payton, who kicked Maddie out of her seat and then chilled on the set with Chloe and Nia.  Jeff assured us that Maddie would return, just in case the entire country was going to change the channel because there were no Zieglers on the screen.

Q. Payton.  Seriously.  Why do you keep coming back?  I think I asked that one about two years ago and still haven’t gotten a straight answer.

Then there was a long discussion on Drag Queens and flashbacks to all the lady boys that Abby keeps parading through the studio.  Like a RuPaul montage.  And it was awesome.

Watching Nia lose her nutty when Shangela Laquifa Wadley did her first Death Drop in front of the girls is still probably the best 3 1/2 seconds of the entire series.  It should be required viewing if you’re ever in a bad mood.  I’m surprised those two gigantic yellow hair things she was wearing didn’t pop off like Nerf balls.

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We got to relive Nia learning how to drop it like it’s hot with both Shangela and then later in the ‘Pumps’ dance.  Holly had her old school marm hair, but she was still a proud Mama in the audience that day.  If we’d only known back then that Dr. Beyoncé was just lurking in the shadows waiting to strike.

Soon.  Soon…

When we cut back to real time, the three girls were exceptionally hyper and totally left Payton hanging on a high-five.  There was a lot of that going on this week.

Q.  What girl hasn’t been hurt?  I think they meant ‘physically.’  Everyone’s had their share of dings and doinks, but Chloe seemed to be the one who stayed in one piece the longest according to the Blooper Reel of trips and falls and backward whatevers into face plants.  That’s gonna leave a mark.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Remember those few months when Mama V hadn’t quite gotten a handle on her new hair?  Because that totally happened again in a couple of flashbacks.  Blonde Jill was back.  With a vengeance.  But no Bump-It.

Luckily my MomCrush is on point nowadays.  Whacky as ever and Jacking it to Jesus again.  (FYI…No disrespect.  That’s Pageant Mom talk for big hair.)  Love.  Her.

Don’t forget.  When my Christmas club saving account matures, we’re all hitting the Mall, Girlfriend.  Can’t wait to see Holly’s hair du jour when Sears gets ahold of her.

Q.  Payton:  What’s the dealio on that broken ankle?  I don’t think we’ll ever know what really happened that time a chair mysteriously jumped out in front of Payton, busting up her foot right before a competition.  It’s the stuff of urban legends.  But we got to see my new friend Leslie lose her s*** again, so it was totally worth a flashback.

Q.  Srsly?  The show is half over and not one Nia question yet?  Laquifa WTF?

And then Chloe either got really big really fast, or Mackenzie and Asia are a lot smaller than I realized, because the two of them looked almost bite-sized when they came out on the set.  Dat’s rite.  Asia Monet Ray was back in the hizzle.  And wired for sound as she gave AsiaFace and AsiaEyebrow and AsiaPouty Lips all over the room.

Baby she was born this way.

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Q.  Mackenzie/Asia:  Are you friends?  What’s your favorite dance, Asia?  We got to see their sassy duet and then watch Miss Monet Ray go all Mr. Roboto.  Werk.

Not gonna lie.  Knowing that my girl Kristy Ray must have been somewhere in the building got me a little worked up.  Let’s Go!  Hit Me!

Q.  Mackenzie:  What’s your favorite part about Dance Moms?  The singing.

Wait.  What?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this a show about dancing?

Whatev.  Roll MackZ‘s new gangstah Girl Party music video.

I’m almost positive that none of these girls can drive yet, so they clearly used fake IDs to get into that VIP Ballon Lounge.  Trust me, if you’re already dealing with high blood sugar levels, I’m not sure if this video is really for you.  But it’s a definitely a Girl Party, fo’ sho.

Na Na Na Na Na Na.

Back to the set and a triple high-five.  And they all made contact.

Then we smoothly transitioned from all that madness back to Chloe, Maddie and Nia for the Hyland Memorial Service.

Q.  Your favorite Brooke Moment?  Favorite Paige Moment?  Hold up.  I know they left the show.  I remember that part.   But unless someone is illegally posting stuff on their Instagram accounts I’m pretty sure that both Brooke and Paige are still alive.

I’m glad they included the Hyland girls in the retrospective, because they were a big part of making this show what is today.  They actually gave them a pretty big chunk of time.  We got to see a whole bunch of Hyland clips, including Brooke touching her head to her butt and then using those same skills to break the hearts of every boy in Pittsburgh.

When Chloe mentioned that Brooke stole her first kiss back in the 8th grade, Maddie was quick to point out (…in the same way a gossipy old woman sitting on the front stoop in the middle of July would do…) that Brooke was actually locking lips in the 6th grade.

Ooooh, girl.  Ya nasty.  Hand me my fan.  Lawd, it’s hot out here.

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We flashbacked to that dorky kid Brandon trying to put some killer moves on Brooke at the State Fair and then to that other dorky kid Kevin shoving pie in her face during a romantic night on the town.

Boyz.  Go figure.  And then go die single, please.

The girls finished up their Ode to the Hylands by remembering The Last Text’ dance.

Maybe I just watch too many soap operas, but I hope somebody eventually told Chloe that the car accident wasn’t real and that Paige was still alive, because the way she sobbed about never being able to have her dream double wedding now made me think Chloe’s been putting flowers on the wrong grave for the last few months.

If Kelly was watching this at home I bet she even got up to check their bedrooms.

Better safe than sorry.

And then Kendall finally came out.  But just long enough to get subtly grilled by Maddie (…“I thought Nia would get the cover of the magazine”…) and show us all how her Mom puts on lipstick while driving when she should have both hands on the steering wheel.  They didn’t give Kendall much time to shine this week.

Q.  Kendall:  Your favorite dance?  The duet with Maddie.

Q.  Chloe:  How do you like hosting your own talk show?  And what was your favorite dance?  I forget what the answers were, because they showed Vivi-Anne eating in the audience during a flashback and my head exploded.

Which made for the best transition ever.

When the angels sang.  And the heavens opened up.

And Vivi-Anne arrived.  

It’s true.  Maddie, Chloe and fan favorite Vivi-Anne closed the show.  Shut.  It.  Down.

Q.  How does Cathy’s kid not have her own show yet?

I love me some Vivi-Anne.  But I couldn’t remember if I’d ever actually heard her speak before, so I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what was going to happen when she didn’t have a mouthful of tasty dessert.

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First she did tricks.  Like raising one eyebrow.  And then made some faces, I think.

Chloe lobbed a few softball questions at her, like you might do to someone who had just come out of an extended coma.

Q.  What is your name?  Do you know where you are?  What year is it?  (I’m kinda lying, but not really.  This segment had to be seen to be believed.)

I could literally watch Vivi-Anne eat ice cream all afternoon.  I’ll bet you anything that under that stuffy nose and slo-mo head turn is the sharpest tack in the box.  When she takes over, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q.  What was the highlight of being on this show for you?

Vivi-Anne:  Something was mumbled about her Mom and craft services.

Maddie:  Winning.  Duh.  Like Charlie Sheen, I guess.

Chloe:  Being in the LUX Music Video. 

I remember that!  Cue the video.

As LUX and Mini-LUX danced dangerously close to a wall of gigantic industrial fans, the show came to a close.  Girl Talk was over.

Q.  Really?  Without out one stinking question for Nia? 

It’s been quite a ride so far.  Three and a half seasons in and the Dance Moms Train shows no sign of slowing down.

The old Team is hanging on.  The new Team is nipping at their heels.

While some things change, others stay the same.

For now, everyone’s taking a quick breather to rinse out some leotards and put away the party dresses.  Maybe even do some homework or clean their rooms for once.

But Dance Moms will be back before you know it.  Don’t you worry.

Raise your hands if you already can’t wait.

gpTo be continued…

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Dress It Up And Throw It Down. Seeing Red Is The New Black.

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014

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Wah Wah Wah. I’ve got three shows and you all have none.

 

 

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All children should be supported. And you’d know that if you’d ever buy my damn book, woman.

 

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I specifically texted that I was wearing my one shoulder dress. I swear I’m gonna kill her.

 

 

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Not gonna lie. This season, the Mama Drama has been almost as big as my pocket square.

 

 

mel

 

 

That’s right, honey. I’m giving you some Bump-It Push Up Bra Over It Dance Mom Side Eye.

 

 

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C-Dawg…check it out. She’s gotta be wearing Spanx, cuz I swear that’s her kid’s Easter dress.

 

 

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I’m just gonna lay here until everyone stops yelling.

 

 

 

 

I blame Andy Cohen.

Or maybe that After The Final Rose guy.

Both of them, actually.

They’re the ones who decided that every television program in America (…with the exception of The Puppy Bowl and that one where they’re always looking for Big Foot…) is now required to have a Reunion Show.  That way we get to spend more quality time with our favorite cast members, while they get to have the exact same argument they’ve had all season but in fancier clothes.

This week it was the Dance Moms chance to bling it and bring it.

Not gonna lie.  I have a love/hate relationship with these ALDC Reunion Shows.  I love seeing my ladies, especially since we’re all BFFs now.  (Hey, gurlz!)  But there are still so many unanswered questions after all these years that are driving me crazy.

Like where in the world is thing thing being taped?  I can’t decide if they broke into Kelly‘s basement while she and the kids were at the recording studio or if it’s an Elks Lodge or an actual local TV news studio or what.

And where do they find these audience members?  Did I miss a Facebook contest or something?  Because I totally would have entered since not one person has invited me to a single taping in four years.

The crowd was especially quirky this time around.  I swear it was all the same people from the ShamWow infomercial.  Am I right?

There wasn’t one kid in the audience.  Just the most random cross section of adults oohing and ahhing every time Jeff Collins wiped up spills without scratching any delicate surfaces.  Order before midnight tonight and he’ll probably double the quantity.

But wait.  There’s more!

Let’s be honest.  Half the fun of Reunion Shows is the anticipation of what’s gonnna go down when they actually air.  Last week all we saw in online previews was Porsha Stewart dragging Kenya Moore across the floor by her Real Housewives of Atlanta weave and Nia‘s Mom Holly pointing all over the room like some crazed gospel traffic cop telling you to sit yourself down and be quiet.

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So you knew it was going to be a good couple of days in Reunion Land.

I couldn’t wait to get the party started.

My boy Jeff began the show as he always does, nervously introducing his one-on-one with Abby Lee Miller.  JC’s my bro, but he still doesn’t seem to have warmed up to this whole Host Thang yet.  I think Abby makes him nervous.  Luckily, he had the world’s largest pocket square easily accessible in case he needed to blot up any flop sweat.

Did you see that thing?  I swear it kept growing throughout the hour.  I was waiting for one of the Moms to pull it out like one of those 12 foot long rainbow clown scarves until his boxer shorts actually popped out of his suit coat lapel.

Jeff started the conversation on a somber note by noting the passing of Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  Since it’s still very raw…and clearly too soon…I will not be commenting on how Maryen was buried with her husband’s ashes and a taxidermied dog.

One.  Because at this time it would be completely insensitive.  And Two.  Because I’m not sure that ‘taxidermied’ is actually a real word.  It’s just one of those strange ones that doesn’t look right when you see it typed out on a page.

When the time is right, though, I have a couple of good zingers.  Trust me.

Moving on from the burial, Jeff steered the conversation to the Slap Heard Round The World and called for Christi to join them on the couch.

I swear this show is just as much fun with the volume turned off.

As Christi appeared from the back of who knows where in the best Mother/Daughter Pageant dress evah, did you catch Abby’s full-on up and down eyeball scan of her outfit?

I had a moment.

Flashback #1:  The Slap.  Kelly in her Charlie Brown sweater biffing Abby in the makeup room in front of all the kids.

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Girls!  Out of the Room!  Girls!  Out of the Room!  Girls!  Out of the Room!

One.  Sometimes I love Dr. Holly so much it’s borderline inappropriate.  Two.  I’ve said it before…I didn’t think it was possible, but that scene is even better if you turn the volume down again and pretend Holly’s singing Beyoncé‘s Who Runs the World?  Girls!

I bet she cleared out her entire old school in under 6.5 minutes on Fire Drill Day.

Holly, I mean.  Not  Queen Bey.

Flashback #2:  Christi and Abby in the hallway getting up in each other’s face.  Same as they were doing right now at the Reunion, just not in their gowns.

Going forward, I’ve decided to take a page from Jeff’s book and whenever the situation around me gets too tense just awkwardly change the subject.

Christi about to take off her shoes and settle this thing once and for all?  Let’s just put a pin in that discussion, shall we?

And nothing relieves stress like Drag Queens.  The Kinky Boots dance was spliced in right here before things got too ugly.

Payton wasn’t wearing all her RuPaul makeup this time, but Maddie still had that odd George Washington wig sitting sideways on her head.  Nia showed everyone how you’re supposed to do a Death Drop and then sashayed away like a Boss.

They also snuck in a Chloe solo before Abby accused Christi of dropping the F Bomb 11 times in one sentence.  Coming close to making it an even dozen, Christi pointed out that Kristie Ray used to say it all the time.  And new Mom Kira says it all the time.  And then I said it a couple times because nobody talks smack about my girl Kristie.  Aw Hell Naw.

All I could picture was Asia Monet Ray‘s Mom sitting at home watching the show, flapping her earrings and swearing at the screen when Christi called her out.  Except you wouldn’t actually be able to hear Kristie swearing because her gigantic husband would be in the kitchen using the blender to make a protein shake.  I miss my girls.

Jeff then asked for Melissa to join them on the set so they could finally get to the bottom of who knew what and when about the whole Maddie and Kalani duet scandal.

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If you don’t know what that’s all about…Google it.  I think it’s been going on for about two years, so it would take too long to recap.  Just know that somebody may or may not have lied about knowing a duet was about to maybe or maybe not take place.  A duet that would rock the core of the Dance Moms World.

Lying is bad.  Always tell the truth, kids.  The More You Know.

Right about now was when Christi felt she was being set up, which led to a few hectic Moments of Chaos.

Not to be confused with Moments of Clarity, which you can still buy here.

I’m Done!  I’m Done!  Christi stormed off the set because Holly and my MomCrush Jill weren’t out there to back her up against Melissa and Abby.  Some poor production guy got caught on camera taking off his headset like that was gonna solve anything.  I think his ears were bleeding from audio feedback.

Holly came out in a seriously sparkly cocktail dress (…Dang, Gurrrl…) then panicked and turned to run out the back door, but Jill was blocking the exit.

Everyone was bumping into each other and trying to figure out which end was up like they used to do on I Love Lucy.  Holly and Jill eventually made it all the way to the couch and everyone got back to bidnezz.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Werk that one shoulder mini, Mama V.  Somebody’s been doing their Prancercize.  Official DanThat’sCool Stamp of Approval.

And then my prayers were answered.  The Dr. Beyoncé Show officially premiered.

Holly wasn’t having it.  Hold up.  She even called out the entire infomercial audience for applauding when Abby stated that she made all the decisions at the ALDC, and if she wanted to cut Nia from something she was gonna cut Nia from something.

The solo.  Or the group number.  Or both if they were short on costumes.

Boom.  What if that was your child?  Fingers everywhere.  Talk to the Hand.

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The whole thing kept escalating as they flashbacked to all the Moms in that basement hallway not trusting Melissa.  Jill just wanted Melissa to own it if she lied about the duet and for everyone else to notice she had lubed up her one exposed shoulder with that new Bath & Body lotion that shimmers when you Gangnam Style.

Somewhere in the middle of all this madness Maddie and Kalani’s duet was performed so new viewers would at least have a tiny clue what was even happening right now.  I forget exactly where it got inserted.

And then Jeff got nervous and changed the subject again.  Speaking of Switcheroos (…a grown man actually used that terminology…) have there been other costume issues?

One.  Switcheroos?  Really?  Two.  Was it just me, or did that question kind of imply that he doesn’t actually watch his own show?

And then it got good.  With that one question, Holly took over.  I’ll take it from here, Jeff.

Why is Nia either/or?  What other kid is either/or?  More fingers.  More talking to the Hand.

It was everything you’ve always loved about Holly.  Just dialed up a few 100 notches.

The entire Twitterverse started dinging and was all like PREACH! and TESTIFY! and Laquifa What? and I literally fell out of my pew onto the floor.  Honestly, I don’t know how my big hat even stayed on through the whole service.

I love how Holly can finally reach the boiling point with all this madness but still maintain her dignity.  Girlfriend laid it out like hot asphalt.  Stick a fork in it.  Hashtag: Done.

Jeff blotted a little and then introduced Mackenzie‘s solo.  Which was really Maddie’s old solo.  It was ok, but what we really needed was A Girl Party!

Or Leslie, I guess.  Because it’s definitely a party whenever she shows up to play.

As Payton’s Mom joined the ladies, I realized that there’s something about her that I’m starting to like.  I don’t know if it’s the No Filter part or what, but something about Leslie just cracks me up.  I have to admit that my previously guarded opinion of Mama Ackerman is going up faster than the smiley face prices are falling at Walmart.

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Flashback #I Lost Count: Leslie blowing a major backstage nutty when Payton didn’t have a costume.  More FBombs and then some classic Miller vs. Ackerman.

Then a Maddie solo.  The tap dance one, which Jeff just realized was her favorite.  Again…does he watch this show?

As the hour ran down, there was just enough time to bring out Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and all her Evil Dance Lair Candy Apples Drama.

Not really sure what’s been happening with her dresses or her dance team this season.

Flashback #28867: Cathy pulling her group number ten seconds before they were supposed to hit the stage.  You’re a coward.  HollyFaces.  Screaming.  More HollyFaces.

And then Jeff pulled up his Bitchy Britches and said “That’s a good lead in to the next week.  When you still didn’t win.”

Oh, snap.  Girl, you did not just go there.

Before Cathy could rip off his face like a rabid monkey, Jeff introduced the infamous Witches of East Canton dance where the girls all wore spider web hats and subliminally flipped off Cathy on an eight count.

Big whoop.  Cathy felt that all it really proved was that Abby is more worried about the Candy Apples than they are of the ALDC.  Abby shrugged it off.  Holly was still angrily fidgeting in her seat.  I tried to remember if Melissa had even spoken during the show.

I think she stuck up for Maddie once and then just sat there.  I’m not sure.

With about 90 seconds left in the show, Jeff suddenly realized that he had forgotten to bring out Kalani’s Mom.

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I hope Kira kept the tags on that new dress, because unless she got makeup on it or Christi threw another drink, she could totally return it as unused.

Kira looked pretty fly and didn’t have any complaints.  She really has enjoyed her time on the show thus far, which kind of made Jeff sad.  Next time…more drama, please.

They all chit chatted about the New & Improved Elite Competition Team and how that was all going to play out in the end.  Some of the Old Moms were still snarking on Kalani a little, but Abby quickly pointed out that all the other girls got better as soon as the AUDC Alum showed up at the studio.

Dr. Beyoncé had one last parting nugget about the loss of two members from the original Team has left the remaining girls feeling vulnerable and that she…

Good Night.

Wait.  What?

Just like that.  Right in the middle of the sentence, Jeff shut it down.

Party’s over.

Just for awhile, though.  There’s still another half season of Dance Moms to come, whenever that happens.

And Abby’s Studio Rescue show.

And Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition is still around.

So there’s plenty more Abby where that came from, don’t you worry.

Right now we’re just taking a quick breather.

No more FBombs for a few weeks.

We’ll see you when the gang’s all back together.

Kristie.  F***ing wave good night to everyone so we can go home, will ya?

Buh bye.

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Dance Moms: Presenting The New ALDC Team. And The Old ALDC Team. And The Mama Drama…Super Sized.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2014

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I can do Jazz, Ballet, Lyrical, Hip Hop, turn invisible and speak in Klingon. So, yeah…I got this.

 

 

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You wanna do this? Let’s do this. Cuz I can out drink AND out shop every one of you wannabes.

 

 

cy

 

 

Check it out, boyz. Mama’s wearing lipstick. If you squint I look like Kim Kardashian.

 

 

mk

 

 

I’m srsly ’bout to go all MackZ on this new chick. What we need is a Girl Party in the parking lot.

 

 

h4

 

 

Imma gon’ have to pretend that she did not just suggest dressing my baby up as a maid, ‘kay?

 

 

kc

 

 

 

Hold up. Do not even tell me that Blondie is trying to steal my look again.

 

 

kira

 

 

 

You know what they say about Arizona…It’s a dry heave.

 

 

 

Ok.

New Rule.

Going forward, all visitors to the Abby Lee Dance Company will be required to wear one of those sticky “Hello My Name Is…” tags from Staples for at least two episodes, because keeping track of everyone is starting to wear me out.

This week, the super-special, super-sized, super-loud 100th episode of Dance Moms was crawling with so many new Moms and offspring that I had to dig out my old March Madness brackets just to keep track of who belonged to who.

Which in turn means that this recap is super-sized.  So grab a snack.

After a couple of exceptionally depressing weeks spent dealing with the declining health and eventual passing of Abby’s beloved Mom (…RIP, Maryen Lorrain Miller…we miss you…) it was time to get back to saving those tears for your pillow.

And yelling.  Lots of yelling.

This was also the week when the long awaited Junior Select Ensemble would be revealed.  Finally.

That’s right.  A second ALDC team, hand picked from open casting calls held across the nation, in a process that seemed to have been going on ever since I started watching this show 14 years ago.  These kids better be good, that’s all I gotta say.

But first, the Pyramid of Shame.  Always the Pyramid.

As the kids all scooted in like they were getting ribbons at Sochi (…look at them in their little match-matchy ALDC Olympic team jackets…) I’ll admit I was a little disappointed that some Russian girl dressed as a snowflake didn’t accompany them to the medal stands.

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There was even a second tier riser behind the girls for all the Moms.  It was gonna be a tight squeeze this week, so everyone had to snuggle up a little bit to make some room for the newbies.

Bottom of the Pyramid was lined with Chloe, Nia and Kalani.

Chloe had pulled Fifth Place in her solo last week.  If Second Place is the first loser, I don’t even know what Fifth is…but it can’t be good.  Nia still had a long way to go to get to wherever Abby felt that she needed to be.  I didn’t ask.  And Kalani was just kind of there.

Some points for showing up would have been nice.  Being there is still a good thing, right?

The mezzanine was home to Kendall and Maddie.  I got chewed out for not giving Kendall enough props the last couple of weeks and I stand corrected.  Because she’s awesome sauce.  And a patootie.

Do the math.  A patootie and a ‘kenzie on the second tier means that Mackenzie and her pouty faced Instagram photo were on top!

She dances.  She records songs.  She auditions backup dancers.  She films music videos.

She can do it all!  She’s like a freakin’ mini Oprah.  If Oprah was a 9 year old white girl from Pittsburgh with braces and an auto-tuned dance mix on iTunes, I mean.

What we need is a Gayle Party!

(C’mon.  That.  Was.  Hilarious.  When Kathy Griffin steals that joke for a Bravo TV special I’m totally calling Melissa‘s lawyer.)

And then…the Arrival.

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As they blasted the same Survivor music you always hear when Jeff Probst pulls a tribe member’s paper out of The Coconut of Shame, the new and improved ALDC team entered the studio.

O to the M to the G.

Aw Hell Naw.  They got Olympic jackets, too?  Already?  AND they got to hooch ‘em up by unzipping them and flashing some tube tops?  So not fair.

Since the Lifetime network legal department frowns on actually collecting DNA swabs from inside the cheeks of little girls while they sleep, Abby’s new team was as close to a cloned version of the Original Recipe Girls as she could get without going to court.  One by one, she pulled them forward to stand next to their dancing dopplegängers and then it was on like Donkey Kong.

Or at least how they play Donkey Kong in Arizona, anyway.  Turns out that Kira already knew Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah R. from their old studio in AZ and she blew the first MomNut of the episode as soon as the new team filed into the studio.  Something about Tracey wishing that Kalani was her own daughter, which gets a little creepy if you think about it for too long.

Sarah R. was the new Nia.  Or she wishes.

As if, Girlfriend.  As if.  You might want to leave now and beat traffic, because remember…Mom Holly‘s SassyPants also come in tweeny bop sizes, mmmkay?

Nia got all IDon’tThinkSo and snarked a little sumthin sumthin about how all Sarah knows is…zzzz…acro and then stepped back in line to get high fived by Dr. Beyoncé.

That’s my baby!  That’s my baby!

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And then it was Kendall and Ava and Ava’s Mom Jeanette.

Second New Rule, Jeanette.  You’re allowed to enter Forever 21 with your daughter, but you are not allowed to purchase anything for yourself ever again.  Ever.  Did you see those leggings?  And every other outfit (…Spoiler Alert: 2 for $20 knock-off sunglasses…) that she was rocking for the entire 90 minute show?  I just can’t.

I’m not trying to be mean, but…I’m just being mean.  Stop it.  Right now.  Spit that out and put it back on the rack so some 11 year old can have something nice to wear on her next birthday.

Next up, Kalani met her evil twin Jade and her Mom Loree.  Kalani and Jade were paired up because they both wear Hawaiian flowers on the left side of their head.  Jade was a pretty girl but didn’t look anything like her Mom, so you know I’ve already made up some good stories that I may share at a later date after I decide whether or not they’re appropriate for a younger audience.

And then Abby wheeled out one of those gigantic porcelain dolls with freckles and pigtails that always come to life at night in horror movies and burn the house down.

Or maybe it was just Tea’ and her Mom Tami.

Who apparently brought their own Dark Shadows haunted music box soundtrack, which you could hear in the background when Tea came forward and saw dead people.  She was a cutie, but something about her gave me a Toddlers & Tiaras flashback.

I don’t think her feet actually touched the floor, but that could have just been me not paying attention and making stuff up.

And then there was tiny Sarah H. and her not so tiny Mom.

Programming Note:  At this week’s performance, the role of Leslie Ackerman will be played by Christy with a Y.  Please turn off your cellphones and enjoy the show.

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Christy with a Y is the same Christy with a Y who flipped a switch over at Melissa’s house last week and almost went home in a squad car.  You remember her.  Well, she’s still screaming and yelling and doing all those things that Leslie used to do, but now she’s just doing them in plus sizes.

Oy.

The last clone came with a snazzy glitter headband and an extra scoop of attitude.

As Kamryn listed off every award in her trophy case, Chloe gave some of the best SideEye ever in the history of SideEye and grew another inch.  Kamryn’s Mom Jodi had one of those hairdos that always makes me wonder if that was the original plan, or if she just ran out of time curling her hair and never got to all those straight pieces.

It’s something I like to call Pageant Mom Hair and you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Swap her kid out with Tami’s and all we need is an Outfit of Choice and some finger kisses.  I’ll bring the Pixie Stix.

Oh.  And Maddie got yanked to the New Team.  Psych.

This week they would be heading to Youngstown, Ohio for another Energy Dance Competition.  We’ll get to who got what assignment when we get to it…if we get to it…because there is waaay too much to cover this week.

As the Junior Elite Team (…ie ALDC#1) got to rehearsing their ‘Royals’ group number, the Moms hit the Perch for some Starbucks and snark.  Both of which were grandé.

The Moms were mesmerized by how easily Kira’s inner Kristy Ray had (…finally!…) manifested itself all up in Tracey’s face down in the studio.  For the first time since Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, the old Kira/Kristy was back and I got a little sentimental.

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We got a quick backstory on Kira and Tracey, which was nice, but all that really mattered was that Kira’s earrings started flapping around and it made me really miss my girl Kristy.

Le’ts Go!  Let’s Go!  Hit Me!  Hit Me!

Dr. Beyoncé also thought that having Melissa being spread between two teams would allow for some stellar opportunities to spy on the competition.

Holly has a PhD in International Espionage, you know.  It’s true.  It’s in her book.

Unfortunately, it was supposed to remain a secret, so now I’m going to have to kill you to protect our government.  I’m sure understand.

And then suddenly everyone swapped places like a bad Freaky Friday remake as the New Moms shoved the Old Moms out of their seats to watch ALDC#2 do their thing.

Jeanette was still wearing leggings, by the way.

They all were, now that you mention it.  Everyone except for Loree, that is.  When Abby called both the New and the Old Moms all down to the studio together, Loree stood out like a sore thumb.  If you had just turned the channel or walked into the room at that point you probably wondered why a senator’s wife was standing at the end of a row of Dance Moms.

Yeah.  A room full of competitive women.  What could possible go wrong?

Christi with an I checked her manicure about 97 times and then Christy with a Y got all Leslie with an L on everyone and the whole thing imploded.  Faster then rats leaving a sinking ship, the Old Moms bailed and walked out like it was some kind of underpaid labor strike in a plastics factory.  You’re crazy, lady.  We’re going out to smoke on the picket line.

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The next day, Jeanette really kicked up her Legging Game to a whole other level in the MomPerch as Christy with a Y somehow managed to pick up her screaming at the exact point where she had left off the day before.

After a delightfully uncomfortable parking lot transition between the Old and New Moms (…I feel a good old fashioned  Krystal vs. Alexis Dynasty koi pond throw down coming on between Kira and Tracey…) the Moms in the opening credits hit the Perch to watch Kendall and Kalani’s bootleg ‘Rule The World’ duet.

Which was right about when I started crushing on my MomCrush Jill again.

Abby wanted the girls to take down their Asia Monet Ray buns and Whip Their Hair Back And Forth, which was apparently some kind of subliminal cue for Jill to do the same up in the MomPerch.

Part Willow Smith.  Part Beyoncé.  Part Britney.  Part city Mom going camping for the first time ever and freaking out because she got a crawly bug in her hair.

I don’t even know what happened, but it was pretty much everything that makes me want to go shopping with Jill.  I could have actually turned off my television and that point and gone to bed happy.

With one day left to go, it was crunch time.  And pretty much exactly like the day before but with different outfits.

Christy with a Y got all CrazyFace on Melissa up in the Perch, who bailed and ran down the stairs while being blessed by the CrazyPope.  That was some random oddness.

Chloe even got to rehearse the ‘Lucky Star’ dance that would be going up against Kamryn in the solo division, but it basically just turned into a good opportunity for Abby to pull out her iPhone and catch up with her Twitter followers.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Fur for Days.  Christi even got so mesmerized by all that VertesVelour that she couldn’t stop herself from stroking Jill’s jacket like it was some kind of designer pound puppy.  Which in an odd way meant that I didn’t feel so uncomfortable for rubbing up against my television screen.  Because that’s not weird at all.

Old Moms.  New Moms.  The only thing that could make it better would be booze.

So it was off to some hotel hallway (…what was that?  I swear there were half eaten Room Service trays under Melissa’s seat…) for cocktails.  The only take aways from that scene were watching Kira and Tracey go another round and seeing Holly lunge across the table to save some wobbly wine glasses.

Srsly.  For someone who doesn’t drink, Nia’s Mama can sure snatch a lot wine glasses in one hand.  Just saying.  If you play the scene back in slow motion it looks exactly like when the radio says there’s a big snow storm coming and people start snarfing up all the toilet paper with both arms.

Mine!

Finally, it was Showtime!

With the usual screaming dance fans eagerly waiting with their cell phones for the ALDC to arrive, of course.  Was it just me, or did that one tall girl who was crying like she had just seen The Beatles look like she was 40 years old?  Really?

Tea’ showed up clinging to a stuffed dog, which I assumed was from Toys “R” Us and not another Broadway Baby moment.  But nothing would surprise me when it comes to this show, so never say never.

Everyone danced.  Go check it out on youtube if you can’t stand not knowing what happened…I’m running out of room here.

And then Cathy Nesbitt-Stein showed up, wearing who knows what, to make fun of everything that the other Moms were wearing.  I think her outfit was inside out.

Take a moment to really look at everyone.  I’ll wait.

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According to her rambling bragging, one of the Candy Apples’ award winning girls was there in the building to hand out awards.  I guess that means that while you’re waiting for that big Broadway callback, you might as well be handing out tiny fake tiaras to dance kids.  Whatever keeps you off the streets, honey.

Abby threatened to go all Godzilla and toss a trash can on top of Cathy for laughs and then somewhere along the line Tracey got so nervous that put a water bottle on her face and tossed her own lunch into a (…thankfully…) different trash can.

I already used my Arizona dry heat/dry heave joke earlier, so I have nothing left to give for my country at this point.

All the dances were great.  Even the ALDC#1′s ‘Maids in Combat Boots’ routine was da bomb and made me realize that I need to stop blogging so much and pick up around the house.

The award ceremony allowed everyone to bust out another round of Gangnam Style before picking up their stash.  Apparently that is a requirement for getting any trophies nowadays.

And then some kids won some stuff.  But I’m not telling you who won what, because it wouldn’t be a mid-season finale without a cliffhanger, right?

Let’s just say that the Old and the New haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.

Who’s staying?  Who’s leaving?  Who knows.

So stay tuned until next time.

Right now, we just made it through 100 episodes.

Nobody lost an eye.  And nobody’s in jail.

Yet.

Jill.  Christi.  Get this party started, will ya?

Happy 100!

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To be continued…


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