Posts Tagged ‘Kalani Hilliker’

Dance Moms: Presenting The New ALDC Team. And The Old ALDC Team. And The Mama Drama…Super Sized.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2014

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I can do Jazz, Ballet, Lyrical, Hip Hop, turn invisible and speak in Klingon. So, yeah…I got this.

 

 

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You wanna do this? Let’s do this. Cuz I can out drink AND out shop every one of you wannabes.

 

 

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Check it out, boyz. Mama’s wearing lipstick. If you squint I look like Kim Kardashian.

 

 

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I’m srsly ’bout to go all MackZ on this new chick. What we need is a Girl Party in the parking lot.

 

 

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Imma gon’ have to pretend that she did not just suggest dressing my baby up as a maid, ‘kay?

 

 

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Hold up. Do not even tell me that Blondie is trying to steal my look again.

 

 

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You know what they say about Arizona…It’s a dry heave.

 

 

 

Ok.

New Rule.

Going forward, all visitors to the Abby Lee Dance Company will be required to wear one of those sticky “Hello My Name Is…” tags from Staples for at least two episodes, because keeping track of everyone is starting to wear me out.

This week, the super-special, super-sized, super-loud 100th episode of Dance Moms was crawling with so many new Moms and offspring that I had to dig out my old March Madness brackets just to keep track of who belonged to who.

Which in turn means that this recap is super-sized.  So grab a snack.

After a couple of exceptionally depressing weeks spent dealing with the declining health and eventual passing of Abby’s beloved Mom (…RIP, Maryen Lorrain Miller…we miss you…) it was time to get back to saving those tears for your pillow.

And yelling.  Lots of yelling.

This was also the week when the long awaited Junior Select Ensemble would be revealed.  Finally.

That’s right.  A second ALDC team, hand picked from open casting calls held across the nation, in a process that seemed to have been going on ever since I started watching this show 14 years ago.  These kids better be good, that’s all I gotta say.

But first, the Pyramid of Shame.  Always the Pyramid.

As the kids all scooted in like they were getting ribbons at Sochi (…look at them in their little match-matchy ALDC Olympic team jackets…) I’ll admit I was a little disappointed that some Russian girl dressed as a snowflake didn’t accompany them to the medal stands.

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There was even a second tier riser behind the girls for all the Moms.  It was gonna be a tight squeeze this week, so everyone had to snuggle up a little bit to make some room for the newbies.

Bottom of the Pyramid was lined with Chloe, Nia and Kalani.

Chloe had pulled Fifth Place in her solo last week.  If Second Place is the first loser, I don’t even know what Fifth is…but it can’t be good.  Nia still had a long way to go to get to wherever Abby felt that she needed to be.  I didn’t ask.  And Kalani was just kind of there.

Some points for showing up would have been nice.  Being there is still a good thing, right?

The mezzanine was home to Kendall and Maddie.  I got chewed out for not giving Kendall enough props the last couple of weeks and I stand corrected.  Because she’s awesome sauce.  And a patootie.

Do the math.  A patootie and a ‘kenzie on the second tier means that Mackenzie and her pouty faced Instagram photo were on top!

She dances.  She records songs.  She auditions backup dancers.  She films music videos.

She can do it all!  She’s like a freakin’ mini Oprah.  If Oprah was a 9 year old white girl from Pittsburgh with braces and an auto-tuned dance mix on iTunes, I mean.

What we need is a Gayle Party!

(C’mon.  That.  Was.  Hilarious.  When Kathy Griffin steals that joke for a Bravo TV special I’m totally calling Melissa‘s lawyer.)

And then…the Arrival.

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As they blasted the same Survivor music you always hear when Jeff Probst pulls a tribe member’s paper out of The Coconut of Shame, the new and improved ALDC team entered the studio.

O to the M to the G.

Aw Hell Naw.  They got Olympic jackets, too?  Already?  AND they got to hooch ‘em up by unzipping them and flashing some tube tops?  So not fair.

Since the Lifetime network legal department frowns on actually collecting DNA swabs from inside the cheeks of little girls while they sleep, Abby’s new team was as close to a cloned version of the Original Recipe Girls as she could get without going to court.  One by one, she pulled them forward to stand next to their dancing dopplegängers and then it was on like Donkey Kong.

Or at least how they play Donkey Kong in Arizona, anyway.  Turns out that Kira already knew Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah R. from their old studio in AZ and she blew the first MomNut of the episode as soon as the new team filed into the studio.  Something about Tracey wishing that Kalani was her own daughter, which gets a little creepy if you think about it for too long.

Sarah R. was the new Nia.  Or she wishes.

As if, Girlfriend.  As if.  You might want to leave now and beat traffic, because remember…Mom Holly‘s SassyPants also come in tweeny bop sizes, mmmkay?

Nia got all IDon’tThinkSo and snarked a little sumthin sumthin about how all Sarah knows is…zzzz…acro and then stepped back in line to get high fived by Dr. Beyoncé.

That’s my baby!  That’s my baby!

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And then it was Kendall and Ava and Ava’s Mom Jeanette.

Second New Rule, Jeanette.  You’re allowed to enter Forever 21 with your daughter, but you are not allowed to purchase anything for yourself ever again.  Ever.  Did you see those leggings?  And every other outfit (…Spoiler Alert: 2 for $20 knock-off sunglasses…) that she was rocking for the entire 90 minute show?  I just can’t.

I’m not trying to be mean, but…I’m just being mean.  Stop it.  Right now.  Spit that out and put it back on the rack so some 11 year old can have something nice to wear on her next birthday.

Next up, Kalani met her evil twin Jade and her Mom Loree.  Kalani and Jade were paired up because they both wear Hawaiian flowers on the left side of their head.  Jade was a pretty girl but didn’t look anything like her Mom, so you know I’ve already made up some good stories that I may share at a later date after I decide whether or not they’re appropriate for a younger audience.

And then Abby wheeled out one of those gigantic porcelain dolls with freckles and pigtails that always come to life at night in horror movies and burn the house down.

Or maybe it was just Tea’ and her Mom Tami.

Who apparently brought their own Dark Shadows haunted music box soundtrack, which you could hear in the background when Tea came forward and saw dead people.  She was a cutie, but something about her gave me a Toddlers & Tiaras flashback.

I don’t think her feet actually touched the floor, but that could have just been me not paying attention and making stuff up.

And then there was tiny Sarah H. and her not so tiny Mom.

Programming Note:  At this week’s performance, the role of Leslie Ackerman will be played by Christy with a Y.  Please turn off your cellphones and enjoy the show.

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Christy with a Y is the same Christy with a Y who flipped a switch over at Melissa’s house last week and almost went home in a squad car.  You remember her.  Well, she’s still screaming and yelling and doing all those things that Leslie used to do, but now she’s just doing them in plus sizes.

Oy.

The last clone came with a snazzy glitter headband and an extra scoop of attitude.

As Kamryn listed off every award in her trophy case, Chloe gave some of the best SideEye ever in the history of SideEye and grew another inch.  Kamryn’s Mom Jodi had one of those hairdos that always makes me wonder if that was the original plan, or if she just ran out of time curling her hair and never got to all those straight pieces.

It’s something I like to call Pageant Mom Hair and you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Swap her kid out with Tami’s and all we need is an Outfit of Choice and some finger kisses.  I’ll bring the Pixie Stix.

Oh.  And Maddie got yanked to the New Team.  Psych.

This week they would be heading to Youngstown, Ohio for another Energy Dance Competition.  We’ll get to who got what assignment when we get to it…if we get to it…because there is waaay too much to cover this week.

As the Junior Elite Team (…ie ALDC#1) got to rehearsing their ‘Royals’ group number, the Moms hit the Perch for some Starbucks and snark.  Both of which were grandé.

The Moms were mesmerized by how easily Kira’s inner Kristy Ray had (…finally!…) manifested itself all up in Tracey’s face down in the studio.  For the first time since Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, the old Kira/Kristy was back and I got a little sentimental.

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We got a quick backstory on Kira and Tracey, which was nice, but all that really mattered was that Kira’s earrings started flapping around and it made me really miss my girl Kristy.

Le’ts Go!  Let’s Go!  Hit Me!  Hit Me!

Dr. Beyoncé also thought that having Melissa being spread between two teams would allow for some stellar opportunities to spy on the competition.

Holly has a PhD in International Espionage, you know.  It’s true.  It’s in her book.

Unfortunately, it was supposed to remain a secret, so now I’m going to have to kill you to protect our government.  I’m sure understand.

And then suddenly everyone swapped places like a bad Freaky Friday remake as the New Moms shoved the Old Moms out of their seats to watch ALDC#2 do their thing.

Jeanette was still wearing leggings, by the way.

They all were, now that you mention it.  Everyone except for Loree, that is.  When Abby called both the New and the Old Moms all down to the studio together, Loree stood out like a sore thumb.  If you had just turned the channel or walked into the room at that point you probably wondered why a senator’s wife was standing at the end of a row of Dance Moms.

Yeah.  A room full of competitive women.  What could possible go wrong?

Christi with an I checked her manicure about 97 times and then Christy with a Y got all Leslie with an L on everyone and the whole thing imploded.  Faster then rats leaving a sinking ship, the Old Moms bailed and walked out like it was some kind of underpaid labor strike in a plastics factory.  You’re crazy, lady.  We’re going out to smoke on the picket line.

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The next day, Jeanette really kicked up her Legging Game to a whole other level in the MomPerch as Christy with a Y somehow managed to pick up her screaming at the exact point where she had left off the day before.

After a delightfully uncomfortable parking lot transition between the Old and New Moms (…I feel a good old fashioned  Krystal vs. Alexis Dynasty coy pond throw down coming on between Kira and Tracey…) the Moms in the opening credits hit the Perch to watch Kendall and Kalani’s bootleg ‘Rule The World’ duet.

Which was right about when I started crushing on my MomCrush Jill again.

Abby wanted the girls to take down their Asia Monet Ray buns and Whip Their Hair Back And Forth, which was apparently some kind of subliminal cue for Jill to do the same up in the MomPerch.

Part Willow Smith.  Part Beyoncé.  Part Britney.  Part city Mom going camping for the first time ever and freaking out because she got a crawly bug in her hair.

I don’t even know what happened, but it was pretty much everything that makes me want to go shopping with Jill.  I could have actually turned off my television and that point and gone to bed happy.

With one day left to go, it was crunch time.  And pretty much exactly like the day before but with different outfits.

Christy with a Y got all CrazyFace on Melissa up in the Perch, who bailed and ran down the stairs while being blessed by the CrazyPope.  That was some random oddness.

Chloe even got to rehearse the ‘Lucky Star’ dance that would be going up against Kamryn in the solo division, but it basically just turned into a good opportunity for Abby to pull out her iPhone and catch up with her Twitter followers.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Fur for Days.  Christi even got so mesmerized by all that VertesVelour that she couldn’t stop herself from stroking Jill’s jacket like it was some kind of designer pound puppy.  Which in an odd way meant that I didn’t feel so uncomfortable for rubbing up against my television screen.  Because that’s not weird at all.

Old Moms.  New Moms.  The only thing that could make it better would be booze.

So it was off to some hotel hallway (…what was that?  I swear there were half eaten Room Service trays under Melissa’s seat…) for cocktails.  The only take aways from that scene were watching Kira and Tracey go another round and seeing Holly lunge across the table to save some wobbly wine glasses.

Srsly.  For someone who doesn’t drink, Nia’s Mama can sure snatch a lot wine glasses in one hand.  Just saying.  If you play the scene back in slow motion it looks exactly like when the radio says there’s a big snow storm coming and people start snarfing up all the toilet paper with both arms.

Mine!

Finally, it was Showtime!

With the usual screaming dance fans eagerly waiting with their cell phones for the ALDC to arrive, of course.  Was it just me, or did that one tall girl who was crying like she had just seen The Beatles look like she was 40 years old?  Really?

Tea’ showed up clinging to a stuffed dog, which I assumed was from Toys “R” Us and not another Broadway Baby moment.  But nothing would surprise me when it comes to this show, so never say never.

Everyone danced.  Go check it out on youtube if you can’t stand not knowing what happened…I’m running out of room here.

And then Cathy Nesbitt-Stein showed up, wearing who knows what, to make fun of everything that the other Moms were wearing.  I think her outfit was inside out.

Take a moment to really look at everyone.  I’ll wait.

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According to her rambling bragging, one of the Candy Apples’ award winning girls was there in the building to hand out awards.  I guess that means that while you’re waiting for that big Broadway callback, you might as well be handing out tiny fake tiaras to dance kids.  Whatever keeps you off the streets, honey.

Abby threatened to go all Godzilla and toss a trash can on top of Cathy for laughs and then somewhere along the line Tracey got so nervous that put a water bottle on her face and tossed her own lunch into a (…thankfully…) different trash can.

I already used my Arizona dry heat/dry heave joke earlier, so I have nothing left to give for my country at this point.

All the dances were great.  Even the ALDC#1′s ‘Maids in Combat Boots’ routine was da bomb and made me realize that I need to stop blogging so much and pick up around the house.

The award ceremony allowed everyone to bust out another round of Gangnam Style before picking up their stash.  Apparently that is a requirement for getting any trophies nowadays.

And then some kids won some stuff.  But I’m not telling you who won what, because it wouldn’t be a mid-season finale without a cliffhanger, right?

Let’s just say that the Old and the New haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.

Who’s staying?  Who’s leaving?  Who knows.

So stay tuned until next time.

Right now, we just made it through 100 episodes.

Nobody lost an eye.  And nobody’s in jail.

Yet.

Jill.  Christi.  Get this party started, will ya?

Happy 100!

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To be continued…

Dance Moms: Lights! Camera! Dance! Jump On The Bed And Then Shuffle Off To Buffalo For One Last Tribute.

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

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I never actually looked at the back of her head before. How does she even make it do that?

 

 

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Oh yeah, Boyeez. There’s a new Christy in town.

 

 

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If she wants some Jackson 5 Realness, how ’bout I dangle one of these babies over the railing?

 

 

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Aw Hell Naw. I know they didn’t just slap that damn ‘Bring It!’ on top of me when my hair is looking so on point. Srsly?

 

 

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I’m just saying it looks like a blue bathrobe. Don’t ask my opinion if you don’t wanna hear it.

 

 

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Just tell her that she does NOT want me coming down there snapping my fingers in a Z formation.

 

 

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Lawd, just gimme the strength to not turn around and snatch that cell phone right outta her sweaty paws.

 

 

 

Warning:  Dance Moms was a downer again.

Not as much of a downer as last week’s sob fest, but you still needed to dab the kleenex a few times as everyone continued to deal with the declining health of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  It was getting real and raw now.

Luckily, though, there was also enough craziness and random Mama Drama to distract those of us who prefer their reality to be…ummm…a little less real, thank you.

There was a lot going on this week, so after a quick front desk tear jerker with Melissa, Abby got right down to business.  Her job was to keep going and that’s what she was going to do.  The Pyramid of Shame doesn’t care if you’re sad or not.

As everyone fell into position, Abby was quick to point out that it was time to start getting tough.  Thirteen wins in a row was nice, but fourteen would be nicer.

No pressure, of course.

Oh.  And next week the new ALDC competition team would be arriving.  So, yeah…on second thought…maybe a little pressure.

And how ’bout that new team?  I don’t know what train they’re traveling on, but it must be making stops at every corner because it has taken them for-ev-er to get to Pittsburgh.  Abby has been dangling this make believe team over the Original Recipe kids’ heads since last season.

But next week they would finally be in the building and my psychic powers are already telling me that at least one of them stuffed a KrazyMom in their suitcase.  So get psyched.

On top of all that exciting news, there was also Mackenzie‘s gangstah rap music video to deal with this week.  And maybe even an actual dance competition if they could squeeze it in between everything else going on at the studio.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Nia, Kendall and Kalani.

Nia had been cut from the group number last week, so she was stuck on the bottom as punishment.  Mom Holly clearly did not agree with that decision and was so mad that she went to the salon and got herself an updo just to spite Abby.

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Srsly, chile.  Girlfriend is werkin’ that new hair this season.  If you were taking shots every time Dr. Beyoncé changed looks this week you probably didn’t make it past the third commercial break.  Once you sober up, you might want to check the videotape.

Amazeballs.

Kendall was in the bottom because she came in Second in the last competition, which is not the same as coming in First.  And Kalani just seemed to be scotch taped next to Kendall in order to make room for Maddie on the top.

The mezzanine level was all about MackZ and Chloe.  MackDiddy got mad props for learning a dance and laying down recording studio tracks all in the same week (…never too young to learn good multi-tasking skills I always say…) while Chloe followed Kalani’s lead and got the heck outta the way so Maddie could be back on top.

This week the gang was headed to The Masters of Dance Arts in Buffalo, NY where all the routines would be performed as tributes to Abby’s Mom and her amazing career.

Chloe scored a 1950′s themed “Friday Night” sock hop soda pop solo, which represented how much Abby’s Mom loved watching Laverne & Shirley, while Maddie scored a “Come To The Cabaret” solo because I guess Maryen knew Liza Minelli or something.

The group dance was basically Maddie’s old “Amazing Grace” routine reworked with backup dancers.  All the girls would be in the number, except for MackTheKnife who was needed on set for her MTV debut.

Even though Chloe had made the cut for the MackZ video last week, she got yanked at the last minute to stay at the studio and work on her solo with James, some ALDC choreographer who suddenly materialized out of nowhere with duct tape covering the logos on his shirt.

I’ll never understand why people do that.  If you know you’re going to be filmed today, why do you always show up wearing a shirt with logos on it and then run all around looking for plumber’s tape?  How about you just wear a black tee shirt?

Macy’s sells a 3-pack for $19.99 fercryinoutloud.  And there’s always a coupon.

While Chloe and James did their best to make sure Nike didn’t get any free advertising, everyone else headed to Melissa’s house for some straight up video chaos.

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An ‘on location shoot’ as they say in the biz.

Yup.  MackZ’s video was being filmed in her own bedroom, which was filled with so many colors and patterns and bouncy things that the scene should have probably had one of those disclaimers crawling across the bottom of the screen like you see when strobe lights are being used at a concert.

You just know that somebody in Idaho had a seizure before they even finished downloading the damn song off iTunes.

The whole extravaganza was being directed by Andrew, who can no proudly say that on national television he traded in his ManCard for his SAG card just by showing 200 tweeny boppers at a sleepover how to scream “What We Need Is A Girl Party!” with so much authenticity that it made me uncomfortable.  Dude.  Let’s not do that again, ok?

While Andrew pushed MackWhack off the bed so he and Abby could jump on it themselves, the Moms were all downstairs where the real party was happening.

Couple of things.

One.  I’m not gonna say I told you so.  But I told you so.

Didn’t I just say last week that my MomCrush Jill was waiting to unleash some of her signature Vertes Couture on us when we least expected it?  You know I did.

Whoop der it is.  Crazy fur.

Not as crazy as the blue bathrobe that she wore in the MomPerch later on in the episode.  But still classic Jill.

So, yeah.  I was right about that.  But I was wrong when I said that I couldn’t possible love her any more this week than I did last week.  Because now I do.

I think it’s probably because I know she stole that bathrobe from Canyon Ranch and I secretly want her to take me with her the next time she goes on a Girls’ Weekend Spa Retreat.  Whatever.

Two.  Didn’t the Moms look like they were on The View, all sitting around on those leather couches discussing today’s Hot Topics?  Holly even made a WhoopeeFace a few times.

Three.  I bet Melissa’s house smells like Homegoods potpourri and waffles.  It just looks like the kind of place that would have Eggos in the freezer.

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Anyway.  Casa Ziegler was crawling with Old Moms and New Moms and so much commotion that I got a little car sick when everyone was in the same room.  Some never before seen ALDC Moms were in the hizzle for the fo’ shizzle video shoot, including big girl Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) whose daughter Sarah was up on the second floor with her head stuck in the staircase railing.

I think all of the Von Trapp kids were actually up on that overhang with Abby.  I was waiting for it to collapse like those fire escapes you always see on the news.

Melissa hates Christy with a Y for some reason.  I don’t know if she hates her more than she hated Kristie with a K last season, but definitely more than she hates Christi with an I on a bad day.

All I really know is that there’s probably a Pittsburgh cop specifically assigned to the Dance Moms detail by now, because Melissa threatened to call 911 if Christy with a Y didn’t yank her kid’s head out of the banister and get the hell outta her house after she did or said something that probably involved Maddie.

The next day, the video was in the can and the girls were back to rehearsing.  The Moms were in the MomPerch.  Melissa was squirting the biggest tube of lip balm onto her face that I’ve ever seen.  And my MomCrush was a vision in blue.

Bucket List:  Go to the Mall with Jill and see her in her natural habitat.  We could hang out in JCPenney while Holly’s gettin’ her hair did.

Downstairs, Abby was picking on Nia again.  So much so that she actually sent Nia upstairs to get her Mom, who was not in the mood at all.

Side note:  After months of in depth scientific research and studies, I’ve found a direct correlation between the curl in Holly’s hair and her level of sassiness.  It’s true.

And Mama set it on the big rollers today, if you know what I mean.

Snap.  And then another snap.  Any questions?

We also got to watch Maddie rehearse and see Abby cry.  Her Mom was slipping away, so she would not be going to the competition.  Which was sad, but also meant that Gianna could be large and in charge again this week.  She’s a tough cookie.

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Gia even wore lipstick in her headshot interview, so you know she meant business.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And hiking in the snow time.

Seriously.  How far away did they park?  Did you see them trekking down the sidewalk?

Backstage in the makeup room, it was the usual backstage in the makeup room drama.  Melissa had gotten a text earlier in the week that Studio Larkin would be at the competition, which was apparently a pretty big deal since everyone was already starting to unravel before any of the girls were even dressed.

Speaking of things escalating quickly.  Somehow everyone started bickering over New Team vs. Old Team and then Christi with an I got (bleeped) out for swearing about Maddie and Kalani being new BFF besties.

Turns out that Maddie (…allegedly…) had talked some smack right up in Chloe’s face and then everyone in the room pig piled onto the argument.

The password is:  Favoritism.

Dr. Beyoncé even compared Abby’s seemingly random weekly exclusion of various girls to the way the Jackson 5 used to always forget to put Tito on the tour bus.

Holly has a PhD in Motown, you know.  True story.

Eventually, they even got to some actual dancing.

The Larkin Ladies were in the row behind our Dance Moms.  One of them didn’t look up from her Samsung Galaxy for the entire competition, so I’m not really sure why she even made the trip.  Not rude at all, right?

There was also a judge that was either a boy or a girl.  Just felt that needed to be said.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  It was Broadway, baby.

As opposed to Broadway Baby.  RIP.

Chloe nailed her solo, getting all Shooby Dooby Wop Wop all over the stage.  It was fun to watch, even though that Larkin Lady missed the whole thing.

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Right before the group routines, we got a glimpse of some unnamed dance troupe doing some kind of Wizard of Oz flashmob and it totally cracked me up.  I’ll be youtubing that bad boy later, don’t you worry.

The Studio Larkin team’s dance was great.  But it should be, since I’m pretty sure that all the girls were in their early 30s.  What the–?

They also all had the same color hair and looked like some Stepford Wives meets Radio City Rockettes mad scientist experiment.  At first I thought that maybe the actual Larkin girls were stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire and the Moms had to go on in their place, but I dunno…

And then the ALDC team did their thing.  Chloe looked like she had somehow gotten taller while she was backstage changing out of her solo costume and Maddie came up off the stage floor like Lance Bass did in that *NSYNC marionette video.

Google it, kids.  There really was life before Bieber.  Trust me.

If MackZ’s psychedelic bedroom hadn’t already made you bite your own tongue off, those flashing light towers at the back of the stage probably did the job.

Gah, I hate those things.

And then it was over.  And so was the ALDC’s winning streak.

Studio Larkin took the top spot.  Gia and the girls took Second Place.

But this week wasn’t about the trophies.  It was about paying tribute to an amazing lady.

Even Abby said it.

Nobody could believe she said it.  But she said it.  And it was true.

Next week probably won’t be pretty.  At all.

But today was different.

And even more important than a trophy.

Today was for Mom.

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Dance Moms: Family Comes First. But Winning Is Certainly A Close Second When It Comes To Cheers And Tears.

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014

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You got about two seconds to get that hand off m’weave before the s*** starts getting real in here.

 

 

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If she don’t put me in that video I swear I’ll snap the heads off all her Barbies when I get home.

 

 

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Mack Baby Z is in the hizzle, yo. It’s gonna be dope. And I have no idea what I’m talking about. 

 

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Put on your biggest Kardashian hair and pucker up those Instagram lips. It’s time for a Girl Party!

 

 

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Not trying to throw my education in yo’ face, but it doesn’t take a damn PhD to count six costumes.

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I know you see me back here watching you. I’m watching you so hard, Gurl.

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The hellz this s***?

 

 

 

Grab your Capezio bag and a box of Kleenex, kids.

It’s time to dance your face off.  And cry your eyes out.

Dance Moms was a downer this week.  A big ol’ downer.

No other way to describe it, as the show dealt with family responsibility, growing old, illness and the impending passing of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller .

Basically all the grown up stuff that I try to avoid at all costs.  If you’ve been hanging around here for any time at all then you already know that I’ll do anything to avoid having an adult conversation.  And this week was no different.  But if we all stick together, support each other and make fun of a few people, I know we can get through this.

There was definitely more crying and less screaming this week as everyone tried to come to terms with the inevitable.  A lot of crying, actually.  Little kids crying.  Big kids crying.  Moms crying.  Even some group crying thrown in there to make sure we all went to bed in a really bad mood on a school night.

Grab Your Kleenex Moments, as they say.

If that’s not your thing, I’ll do my best to warn you ahead of time if anything mopey is about to go down.  That way you can either skim over it like nothing bad ever happens in real life, or save it for when you’re all alone and nobody can see you ugly cry.

Coming off twelve straight wins in a row, the ALDC Team was already sniffing out #13.  A dozen wins later and they still hadn’t run out of steam.  Just rhymes.

Gone were the ‘Eleven is Heaven’ and ‘Twelve on the Shelve(s)’ chants.  Now it was just Lucky Thirteen, like they weren’t even trying to be clever anymore.  Just win the damn thing, already.  We’re dancers, not poets.

As everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that Abby was going to be an emotionally overbooked hot mess this week.

Not only was her Mom sick, but she was also dealing with the upcoming auditions for Mackenzie‘s Girl Party music video and a studio floor that was completely cluttered with gigantic rolls of seamless green paper and camera equipment, thanks to an in-progress photo shoot for MackZ’s new gangster rap CD and puffy paint sticker collection.

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Not to mention another competition.

You don’t just get handed the Lucky Thirteen.  Der.

Needless to say, you could already tell what tracks this runaway train was headed down as everyone rolled into the building.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was everyone except Kalani.  Boom.  Done.

Every girl had done exactly what they were supposed to do in last week’s group competition, even when they couldn’t hear the music from the stage, so Abby just lined ‘em all up and kept it moving.  Kalani had snagged the top overall score in Ohio, so she was the week’s top dancer.

Rules are still rules even when you change the shape of the Pyramid.

Sidenote:  The OCD part of me can’t stand how some of the girls head shots are real head shots, while some of them are half body shots.  Consistency, people.  Drives me nuts.

First Grab Your Kleenex Moment:  I think Melissa cut her own bangs.  That wasn’t the saddest part, but I did get a little emotional during her solo confessional spot.

The sad part was actually when Abby gave an update on her Mom’s condition.  Melissa talked about Maryen and how much she meant to everyone at the ALDC.

Abby cried.  The kids cried.  Melissa bawled.  And then Abby motioned for one girl at a time to come forward for a hug.  Just one.  Like when the Pope pulls you from the crowd on Easter Sunday.  No disrespect to the Pope or to the Abby.  I just get uncomfortable when things get too sad and make Pope jokes.

This week, after months of threats and open casting call auditions,  Abby would finally be deciding on her new team.  A second ALDC Elite Team to send into battle and hog even more trophies from the folks over at Candy Apples.

Who would be on the new team?  Who knows.  Would the old team still be intact?  Who knows.  But all would be revealed as soon as the final round of cuts took place in Pittsburgh.  So stay tuned.

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Kendall and Nia both scored solos this week.  Chloe and Kalani were handed a duet.  And the whole team (…Spoiler Alert:  Or not…) would be dancing in a Bollywood & Vine group number.

GYKM:  After a few more hugs and tears (…Melissa was taking this harder than Abby was…) everyone got to rehearsing while the Moms hit the Perch for some dead silence and sad faces.  This whole cloud of depression was really bringing down their mojo.

I felt especially bad for Kira, who was so new that she didn’t even know what to do with herself while the Original Recipe Moms reminisced about all their years at the ALDC.  She looked at her nails a lot this week.  I did notice that.

MoleGate.  And that’s the last time I’m saying it.  Don’t ask me again.

Nia and Kendall’s rehearsals were a little wobbly right out of the gate, but I had complete faith in both of them.  Despite it being the Official Year of the Nia, my girl hasn’t had much luck with her solos this season, so it was really important that she nail her shoo bop a doo bop this week.   And Kendall just needed to make it through one entire episode without crying.  Which is totally doable, because she’s got the right stuff.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Pretty low key this week.  Hair looked good.  Nothing too outrageous going on in the wardrobe department.  But don’t get too comfortable.  I’ll bet you anything that she’s just laying low for a week or two before springing some signature crazy a** ostrich fur on us when our guard is down.  Like she’s waiting in the fashion jungle for the perfect moment to shoot us in the neck with a dart when we’re not looking.

Love.  Her.

Then it was time for some Mack Diddy Fo Shizzy Zig Ziggly in da house, yo.

Apparently Abby is the brains behind this whole Mackenzie music video concept that came out of nowhere a few weeks ago, because after shlepping MackZ to the recording studio to lay down some riffs, she was now running an audition for backup dancers.

Q.  Do you like eating sugar straight out of the bag, kissing Cody Simpson posters and jumping up and down on Austin Mahone bedsheets during a sleepover?

A.  Yes?  Then do I have the audition for you, Miss Thang!  Sign at the glitter ‘X,’ please.

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Sitting behind one of those tables that block every grocery store exit during Girl Scout Cookie month, Abby and MackYoWhack put every girl who couldn’t get a ticket to the Kids’ Choice Awards through some backflips and age appropriate booty pops before deciding on a team of dancers.  Chloe was cut.  I think it was her height, because otherwise she werked it just fine.  They played some mind games on Maddie before allowing her to participate and then finished up by adding a few random girls into the mix.

I’m thinking that Brooke Hyland is probably throwing herself off the roof of that Big Apple Tour bus right about now if she witnessed all the attention that Abby smothered over Mackenzie this week.  I’m pretty sure I don’t recall this much TLC when Brooke wanted to break onto the iTunes charts.  Wasn’t Brooke’s entire video shot with last year’s iPhone?

And you know Abby bought the bus tickets during a Groupon promo.

I do miss all that Hyland Hilarity.

Then it was back to the group dance.  And more problems in the costume department.

Turns out that Abby was short one costume for the Bollywood routine.  Five instead of Six.  Which I didn’t understand at all, considering that there were only six kids in the whole ALDC team.  The same six kids from last week when you had the same costume drama.

How hard can all this be to remember?

Due to the shortage,  she ran everyone through the rehearsal one more time and then cut Nia.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Holly was all like OhHellNo and I was all like YeahWhatSheSaid and then I realized that I forgot to put the link to Dr. Beyoncé’s new book in the recap last week.  And if you don’t buy the book, then they won’t make the movie.  And I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear during my walk-on cameo…so let’s go, people.  Chop Chop.

But what I really don’t get with the whole CostumeGate thing (…let’s see how long I can milk this trend before I lose readers…) is how Abby can order a complete size range of outfits but then randomly cut a dancer.  I mean, what is she had cut Mackenzie instead?

Would Nia end up on stage wearing a costume made for a tiny 9 year old girl?  How does she keep messing up the counts?  And while she’s online, why doesn’t she just order a damn calculator from Staples?  Geez, Louise.

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GYKM:  This one was too sad to even make jokes about.  I already crossed the line last time when I picked on that stuffed dog, so I’ll just take a pass on Melissa’s visit to the Sterling House if that’s ok.  It was heartbreaking to see Abby and Melissa crying in the hallway after catching a glimpse of the dark room where Maryen was spending her last days.  Nobody wants to see anyone suffer.

Back at the ALDC, Gianna was large and in charge this week, getting the girls ready for their Dance USA competition in Ohio.  The only thing larger was a gigantic Pinterest board that had mysteriously shown up in the middle of the studio.  If Pinterest had a Messed Up Mind Game category, that is.

The board was tacked full of the old Team’s photos across the bottom and a bunch of new faces all slapped haphazardly across the top.  Subliminal much?

Needless to say, the Moms were not big fans of Abby psyching out her Dream Team from the other side of town.  Even the girls were all like WTF? as they rushed the board the same way everyone on Glee used run to the wall when the leads in the Spring musical were announced.

MackZ sez that shiz is whacked fo’ shizzle.  Let’s just have a Girl Party instead!

Finally, it was Showtime!

GYKM:  The bus ride to Ohio when the girls each took a second to remember their favorite Maryen Moment.  Ruined only by Abby on the other end of Gia’s phone making it clear that she didn’t need the girl’s love….she need their win.  So there’s that, I guess.

The duet was like looking in a mirror.  OMG.  Chloe and Kalani were totes twinsies.  

Kendall’s solo was on point.  I’m pretty sure that she was wearing Mom’s pleather pants.

Nia gave Face for days when she hit the stage.  We don’t need no stinkin’ group number, mmmkay?  I’m thinking that Sasha Nia is back, bitches.

GYKM:  Holly’s backstage prayer circle.

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As everyone scrambled to drop their buns lower (…a joke right now would be way too easy even for me…) it was clear that Nia not only gets all her sass from her Mama but all her faces, as well.

Clearly, she was not happy that she couldn’t be in the group routine and some of Nia’s soon-to-be patented FrazierSideEyes gave me life.  I’m totally stealing that one look she gave Kalani and Chloe the next time I’m stuck in a long line at the DMV.

Scroll up and enjoy it one more time, if you’d like.  I’ll wait.

The group dance brought the house down.  And it looked pretty legit, even though the only frame of reference I really have is that first year they did Bollywood on So You Think You Can Dance and the Pussycat Dolls‘ Slumdog video.

I’m also going to assume that the night before competition the Moms all went out for shots and got henna tattoos, because that totally happened.  I think all that intricate body art is really cool until it starts wearing off and then you end up just looking like you forgot to wear gloves when you refinished your dining room chairs over the weekend.  They need to figure out a better way for it to fade out.  Just saying.

Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls.  The Moms all busted out some redoinkulous MomDancing prior to the Awards ceremony.  Please let their be a blooper reel when the Season 4 DVD comes out.  I don’t ask for much anymore.

Results?  Nia took Third.  Kendall took Second.  The duet pulled First Place.  And the group routine gave them all the Lucky Thirteen they had been dreaming about all week.

Even with all the tears, it was a big success.

And over.

Time to gather all those wads of kleenex up off the floor and call it a night.  Don’t worry…next week doesn’t look nearly as gloomy.  So pull it together.

The preview even showed some screaming, a couple of swear words and MackJackKnife cutting a bitch during the taping of her sleepover video.  I think we’re back in business next time.

So now it’s just the final GYKM of the week:  Saying goodbye to all of you.

Kisses.

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