Posts Tagged ‘Kaya Wiley’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

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And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

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Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

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Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: They Say That There’s No Room For Any Rotten Apples, But Cathy Just Hijacked The Show Again.

Wednesday, June 26th, 2013

2Don’t touch that dial or adjust your television set.

You’re not on the wrong channel.

The show formally known as Dance Moms was back again this week.  Sorta.

Or as I like to call it…the second installment of the Candy Apples Variety Show was back again this week.

Due to the combination of somebody in the Lifetime back offices having some noticeably poor planning and organizational skills when it comes to juggling two different Abby Lee Miller show tapings, and someone else’s hot mess of an idea to blatantly cross promote the two shows as long as there’s leftover B-Roll, America was once again subjected to a full hour of commercials for Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

And the Ohio Department of Tourism, of course.

That should explain your confusion if you tuned in after the opening credits.

It probably also explains the slowdown in your internet speed, because not since that North by NorthWest Kardashian Baby popped out last week has the Twitterverse encountered such a firestorm of opinion.

If you were looking for…I don’t know…the actual Dance Moms this week, you came to the wrong place.  This was Candy Apples territory.  Again.

And all those little tweeny boppers who made the switch from Pretty Little Liars to Lifetime weren’t happy at all.

Now I’m all about good marketing and promoting your shiz so we all remember to reset our DVRs when Dance Moms finishes up the season.  I get it.

My biggest concern is that by the time we get back to Pittsburgh and the ALDC, these kids who have been MIA for the majority of this month are probably going to have already graduated college and gotten jobs in summer stock theater somewhere.

What if they don’t even have braces anymore?

And don’t even get me started on two weeks without my girl Kristie Ray.

Not acceptable.

I expect a call from Lifetime explaining how they plan to make up for this error, and what I’m supposed to do with all these “I Heart Kristie” t-shirts I was planning to put up on eBay today.  I even used glitter glue, fercryinoutloud.

Clearly I should just put her face on a milk carton and hope someone has seen her wandering the cold, lonely streets of PA looking for the ALDC cameras.

Don’t get me wrong.  We love the conflict and hissy fits and water fights between Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and the Moms.  But a full hour?  Twice?

It was called Batman & Robin for a reason. Not The Penguin Show.

So according to my dedicated online research, which could potentially get me flagged as a creeper if anyone actually knew which chat rooms I checked up on after the show (…I used to read books, you know. Now I just make sure to delete my laptop history and go to bed…) it’s clear that the majority of you did some channel surfing during the episode.

And despite all the Moms, and one DadMom, being 2nd string this week…there were still a few chuckles.  And you know I like the chuckles.

So I give you the Pittsburgh Quickie.

CNS

All the highlights that you may have missed while you were complaining online somewhere or checking in with that Spice Girl on America’s Got Talent.

And, yes…little Sophia Lucia was even spotted on AGT spinning around behind the curtains.  How many more stages does that little kid really need to pee on before she marks her turf in all fifty states?

But I digress.

We’re here to catch up on Dance Moms in under 5 minutes.

As soon as we saw that Chaos Cathy had created a whole new agriculturally friendly Pyramid Video in Photoshop, we knew she meant business this week.  Now she just needs to have all the kids get some new headshots so she doesn’t have to keep using those creepy Facebook selfies.

Cathy and Anthony Burrell continued to butt heads all week as they prepped for the Masters of Dance competition on local docal Columbus, Ohio.  He was trying to take over as the new Candy Apple King and she wasn’t having it.  Even his constant celebrity resumé name dropping didn’t phase Cathy.  Or me.

Anthony also wanted the boys to do push ups without wetting themselves while the girls just stood around putting on makeup and talking about the lines at Sephora.

Or something like that.

Jalen’s Dad Rick called the MomCouch the “Kiss And Cry Room” which was slightly ironic, since he’s the only one who ever cries in there.  Man Up, dude.

The highlight this week was pretty much Cathy and sluggish Vivi-Anne spending some quality bonding time categorizing the 4,000 bunny statues and bunny wreaths and bunny figurines and bunny KitchenAid appliances that Cathy had crammed into her home.  Just.  Whoa.  Say NO to the bunny.

If those things ever came to life, it would be Planet of the Apes all over again.

Bunny Hoarders.  Coming this Fall to Lifetime.

The group routine was a full-on ecstasy induced Klub Kid Studio 54 routine set to the music of scenester Malik So Chic.

Bitch, please.

If you were out of the room you also missed some headwear drama when Hadley‘s little neck couldn’t support the massive Lion King accessory that Anthony had chosen for her tribal duet with Nick #2.  Who goes into a performance without a dress rehearsal?

Let’s be honest.  I don’t even go to the mall without walking around my house once or twice to make sure I look good from all angles in the Food Court.  Geez Louise.

Then some kids danced.

Amidst all the AUDC promos and sniplets of Maddie performing on the finale show, they even won some stuff.

I’m assuming that Mom Melissa must have been at Bloomingdales during the AUDC filming, because we never saw her face even once while Maddie rolled around on the floor in front of two fingered Richy Jackson and that Broadway Flashdance lady.

You remember Maddie, right?  She used to be on Dance Moms?

Oh, snap.  I went there.

And now you’re caught up.

I appears that after a quirky Oprah-looking Chatter Show next week we might finally get back to our normal drama filled hilarity at the ALDC.  Keep your fingers crossed and save those tears for your pillow.

Yeah.  I’m talking to you, Rick.

But until then, in the words of that trashy girl in high school…

Enjoy your quickie.  The first one’s free.

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Dance Moms: Time For Booty Shorts And Vodka Shots. An Apple A Day Can’t Keep Kaya And Yvette Away.

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

d6

 

 

There ain’t enough booze in this bar to get me through a night with these hens. Let’s Go!

 

a

 

 

 

Me? Nothing. Just hanging out at by some giant UDC sign, pimpin’ out my new show. Sup?

 

z2

 

 

 

Oh, yeah. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. One quick little iPad photo and Mama’s got herself a new screensaver.

 

 

kk1

 

 

Oh. My. Gawd. Pinocchio’s shorts. You could totally see Jiminy Cricket. I’m a Real Boy Now!

 

d1

 

 

 

I didn’t pack up all my Krazy and bring it to Ohio just so you can come in 6th again. Plus I need you to find out if Anthony’s single.

 

k

 

 

 

There is no way those Ray Guns are real. Look at those things. Holy S***.

 

 

b1

 

 

And I see you right up Anthony’s a**. Yeah…it’s hella fine, but have some klass. And fix yo’ damn hair, bitch.

 

 

 

Ok.

First things first.

Can we just say that Abby Lee Miller has one of the dirtiest, nastiest iPhone screens evah?  Like a science fair experiment or something.  Gross.

You know they make wipes and sprays just for that kind of thing, right?  It looked like the top of a Macy’s Clinique counter after Free Makeover Saturday.  I almost had to change the channel before my OCD really kicked into overdrive.

I also almost had to change the channel a few times because I couldn’t figure out if I was actually watching Dance Moms or not.  What was that?

At first I thought it might have been the new spin-off Candy Apples Variety Show or an Ohio Department of Tourism promotional video, because there was certainly a lot of song and dance and cow stuff going on this week.  And Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein does kind of remind me of a whacky character that Carol Burnett used to play who always got a pie in the face.

Then I thought maybe it was just a relaunch of The Love Boat, because every time the door opened another famous C List celebrity was coming up the ramp with a suitcase and an attitude.  There was even a bartender getting Kristie Ray all liquored up.

(Love her, by the way.  And not nearly enough JLo this week if we’re keeping track.  I don’t feel that one scene with all the Moms slamming down shooters gave her ample opportunity to flap those earrings to their full potential.)

Then I thought maybe it was an Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition Reunion Special, because the only thing missing was Richy Jackson‘s carved up lightening bolt hair and a fierce finger wave or two.  Werk it, Girlfriend.

That, and Robin Antin casually reminding us that she personally gave birth to all 75 of the Pussycat Dolls without an epidural, of course.

Finally, I realized that the whole thing was just a one hour commercial for the upcoming second season of Abby’s UDC and then it all made sense.

That’s what it’s called now, you know.  Abby’s UDC.  I guess someone finally realized that the old name took up too many letters on Twitter.

cn

This week Abby was out in Los Angeles under the pretense of “looking at real estate,” which was actually code for “filming and promoting season 2 of AUDC.”  That basically meant that anything Pittsburgh-related was pretty much abandoned for this episode and the kids could finally get caught up on their homework.

If you tuned in to see all your favorite ALDC dancers…sorry.  Ain’t gonna happen.

On the other hand, if you tuned in to see Abby’s BFF John Corella and his allegedly manscaped eyebrows be all fabulous…then it’s your lucky day.

Now the jury is still out on Abby’s Friend Who Is A Boy, and I’m not here to judge, but I will note that JC did latch onto that stripper pole like it was his day job when he and Abby checked out a potential studio.

You know when you throw a baby bird out of the nest and somehow it already knows how to fly?  It was like that.

It was also a little bit like Batman and Robin trying to slide down to the Batcave after too many Happy Hour appetizers by the time Abby took it for a spin.  There’s a reason they tell you to never look directly at the sun.  Ouch, my eyes.

Back in Ohio, Chaos Cathy was yet again creating a new team in the laboratory.  Her Boyz-Only clubhouse routines had not been quite as successful as she had hoped, so now it was time to add some estrogen back into the mix.

Zack, Jalen and NickNumeroDos were all still in the hizzle.  Zack and Nick were back because they are amazeball dancers and make Cathy look good.  Jalen’s Dad Rick is such a loose cannon that you know the producers would keep them around even if his kid couldn’t walk a straight line, but luckily Jalen can do more than just spin on his beanie head.

There were so many new faces popping up this week that we’re gonna need to pick up the pace a little.

Crazy Yvette Walts and her daughter Hadley were back for some redemption.  On last season’s AUDC, Abby had emotionaly scarred Hadley for life by calling her Roadkill after an exceptionally odd performance, and it was time for payback.

More importantly, though…Kristie hates Yvette.  And I love Kristie, especially when she blew her first ever nutty all up in Yvette’s face last season.  Hit Me!  Hit Me!  Let’s Go!

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If there really is a God of Dance…Round Two.  Yes, please.

There was also a new puffy face in the place.  Campbell and her Mom Alli.  My psychic powers told me that she was a cryer.  Stay tuned.

The third new addition was Mari and her Mom Gina D.

Two Kristies.  And now two Ginas.  Lawd.

Mom had the same kind of harsh bangs that cosmetic queen Adrien Arpel has on HSN, except that she took it up another notch by giving herself some even harsher chunky Jersey highlights.  If you’re gonna play in the salon, be in it to win it I guess.

Apparently Cathy had reinvested some of her husband’s jerky money back into her own MomPerch couch, because now the ladies (…and Rick…) all had a place to sit and get snarky.  Gina D wasted no time in pointing out that Jalen should leave the dancing to real dancers and just spin on his head right out that door and back to the street corner where he belongs, which didn’t sit well with Rick.

Unfortunately, instead of a beat down, Rick just got all pissy and ran out of the room like some teenage girl who just caught her boyfriend IMing a cheerleader.

What the hell was that, dude?  Not cool.

This week’s Candy Apples group dance was all about 1st kisses and 1st boyfriends and all that cafetorium dance nonsense.  Campbell ‘fessed up to having a boyfriend, and Jalen admitted to tripping on his hip hop hightop shoelaces and somehow landing with his tongue in a girl’s mouth or something.

Totally trying that at the grocery store this weekend.

First day of full rehearsals, and Mari was already sick and MIA.  That’s probably not a good sign.

But the silver lining in that black cloud was…well…also black.  As in Black Patsy.

Oh.  Hell.  No.  Crazy Kaya Wiley.  From the ‘Hood Wileys.

Cathy hit up Kaya on her Sidekick and got her to jump the next bus to Ohio.  The shizzle was definitely getting foshizzle, especially when Cathy explained who Black Patsy was in that kind of whispering voice that Symphony Women use when they talk about their maids behind their back.  A classic television moment.

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All the ALDC hates Black Patsy.  So bring it.

Then we squeezed in another AUDC promo, with Abby all spread out in a reclining makeup lounger right next to lap dog John, who was dialing up Jill on that greasy iPhone.  They needed a spy.  Asap.

Abby wanted Jill to pull together a small posse and go spy on the Candy Apples at the upcoming Dance U.S.A Competition while she stayed in out LA and whored out some more AUDC.

Watching John get all tweeny bop on that sticky cell while Abby laid around completely hot roller-free was just about enough for me, thank you.

OMG.  LOL.  Smiley Face.  Send.

Back in Cow Kuntry, Anthony Burrell was working on Zack and Hadley’s solos.

Hadley was hooked up with a Golden Couch number, which was some kind of gold digger and casting couch mash-up from what I could decipher.  Sassy hands and booty action.  Rockette Roadkill Redemption, haters.

Zack was going to play a puppet, which caused Anthony to go on for days about this top secret costume like he was having an Oscar de la Renta couture moment.

(Shout out to Rachel Zoe.  This puppet dance was gonna be maj.)

And then Black Patsy and her daughter Nicaya arrived on the scene and I went to Heaven for a few minutes.  I can’t get enough of that crazy bitch.

Go back and watch your DVR, paying special attention to Gina D. when she cups her hand over her mouth like she’s never seen a…you know.  I can’t.  I won’t.  I can’t even describe the moment without risk of upsetting at least three different ethnic groups and/or alternative lifestyles.

Just watch and enjoy.  If we could have actually seen Gina D’s eyebrows, you know they would have been up on the top of her skull.

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I just can’t.

The thing I love most about Kaya is that she was born with no filter.  Just one straight pipe from her brain to her mouth.  And proud of it as she started right in on everyone.

Cathy then cut Campbell from the group number and the tiny dancer cried.  I called it.

Or at least I think she cried.  There was some kind of high pitched noise that only dogs could hear, and she looked pretty sad.  So I’m going to go with crying.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Vivi-Anne Time!  Because you know Cathy always throws that little spaz inside her Louis bag whenever she goes on a road trip.

And again…why does this kid not have her own show by now?  It’s not like I’m asking for an elaborately scripted multi-episode production.  I’m just saying let her walk in front of the camera with a mouthful of Dubble Bubble, yawn a few times and then cut to commercial.

That kid is gold, I tell you.

And then there was Zack’s puppet outfit.

Seriously.  All that was missing were tube socks and construction boots and the poor kid could have high kicked himself right into an episode of Dateline.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.  Help yourself to the lemonade.  I’ll be right down.

Even Vivi-Anne woke up for that crotch shot, until she realized it wasn’t really a package of Rolos in Zack’s shorts.  WTF Anthony?

Zack cried big puppet tears that almost smeared his red circle puppet cheeks.  Mom Gina cried little soap opera tears with that corner eye dab thing she does so well and then Anthony got mad that everyone was dissing the booty shorts.

Just say No.  One good lie in those shorts, and Pinocchio would be sent away to military school for four years.

And then Jill, Holly and Kelly burst into the Candy Apples dressing room like a SWAT team and came face to face with Holly’s Evil doppelgänger.

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Or at least Kelly thought so, because she swore Black Patsy’s new blouse and weave were an exact rip-off of Holly’s signature look.

Right.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.  Have another cocktail.

As the Candy Apples hit the stage, Jill reported back to Abby via that gnarly touch screen.  Conveniently enough, Abby took the call in the AUDC auditorium.  Then Abby called back home to PA to make sure her studio hadn’t burned to the ground.

Conveniently enough this time, Abby made the call while posed seductively in front of a giant UDC float with giant UDC letters that were taller than the Hollywood sign.

Ok.  We get it.  Our DVRs are set.

And as long as we’re talking bad editing, can we make a note that every time they showed Abby’s touchscreen she was holding it in the wrong hand and not the one she was actually using to talk with during the scene?  Can we?

Yeah.  Bad editing is right up there with gooey iPhone glass on my Hit List.  Just.  No.

Hadley did some gold digging across the stage and Zack, thankfully, put on some pants before lifting his leg on national television.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Hold up.  What was Vivi-Anne doing on stage for the awards ceremony?  Did she just wander out there looking for the vending machine?  I know that low blood sugar can get you a little disoriented if you don’t have a juice box within the first 30 seconds.

And why was she dressed in the same three quarter sleeve fur top that Jacqueline Kennedy wore during a 1962 news interview with Walter Cronkite?

We finished off the AUDC Candy Apples Love Boat Variety Show Commercial with Kaya getting all ‘hood on anyone who came within her orbit.

She called out Yvette for being a whackadoodle and sucking up to Anthony’s fine tight a** and called the ALDC Moms all stalkers for creeping all the way to Ohio.

Oh, yeah.  It got cray cray in the hallway.

And then this totally happened…

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