Posts Tagged ‘Kendall Vertes’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017




I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.






This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.







Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.






So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?






A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.







FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.






We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.




Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.


And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.


Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?


What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.


You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.


Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.


And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:


Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.


And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?


And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.


tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.


The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!


Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”


And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!


Starring Jill!

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.


Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…


There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.


Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…


Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye.

Wednesday, May 11th, 2016




Does that fool even watch the show before he writes his blog? None of this makes any sense.





You try finding a sitter in LA. They’re all at the beach or waiting tables until they get a call back.







Dunno if it’s all this screaming or my new glasses, but something’s about to give me a stroke.






My old gig shaving beards off burly lumberjacks don’t seem so scary now, does it? Girl, pleez.






I know if they put this graphic over my new dress one more time, Imma need to see that little man in the headset asap.





Not quite so tight, honey. Mama’s still not wearing a bra.






And Goodbye.

Now sit yo’self down and stay there, please.  Because it’s time.

Time for big hair and even bigger drama as all your favorite Dance Moms put on their fancy clothes and head back down into that mysterious underground bunker for another Reunion Special.

Season 6 is half in the bag.  Let’s see how it’s gone so far, shall we?

Once Abby Lee Miller shows up, I mean.

Dat’s rite.  Tardy for the Party.  Again.

Abby was just pulling into the parking lot as the Moms all finished up hair and makeup and got situated in their plush new seating arrangement.  Because it wouldn’t be a Dance Moms Reunion if it didn’t start in complete chaos, right?

Look at Holly sitting on the set waiting for Abby.


Don’t even get a school principal started on Punctuality.

And while we’re on the subject:  How about that shiny new set?

Everything got another Beyoncé Upgrade, yo.

upgrade-4 552395928c858226178e1ad0bd06b563Including the audience, who clearly had gone thru some kind of sped-up soap opera growth spurt since the last Reunion Special and now looked less like a bunch of kids waiting to get slimed at the Nickelodeon Awards and more like a J. Crew casting call for the Fall 2016 catalog.  I can’t be the only one who noticed that.

They even had a stricter dress code than the Moms:  Shades of Blue and Green or you don’t get a wristband.  No exceptions.

Except for this one lady with the pink top, who gets a Pass because I’m pretty sure it’s Oprah in disguise.  Look at the lady behind her thinking this means she’s getting all those Christmas presents for free.

oprahEven the host got tweaked.


My boy Jeff Collins was MIA, replaced by Jai Rodriquez and his OhNoSheDin’t eyeballs and jaw drop, which he put to good use throughout the entire hour.


You remember Jai.

Up until now, he’s probably best known for cleaning up all kinds of hot messes on Bravo’s Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.  Even though he was the show’s ‘Culture Vulture,’ I swear he was the one who taught us how to use Crest Whitestrips every week.

But that was back in the day.  Now Jai’s probably best known for taking the hosting gig that should have been mine.  Not complaining.  Just throwing it out there.

Side note:  I actually got some DMs asking me if Jeff was okay, since the whole world knows how tight we are…but honestly, he hasn’t spoken to me since I made fun of his GIANT pocket square a few Reunions ago.  Remember that?

It’s been like 3 years, dude.  Let it go.

And check out these two ladies.  They can’t believe that one chick totally disregarded the dress code memo and wore red anyway.


I mean, look at her.  Straight up disrespectful.redAnyway.

Abby was late.  And she forgot her bra.

And did this on national television.

bra2Bonus:  Here’s the Professor from Gilligan’s Island also holding his coconuts in anguish.professor-coconutI’m pretty certain this is the bra Abby that was looking for…

ab1Remember that time?  That was the time when I promised to never use that photo again, so I probably should have used this one instead…

…from that time when Abby had tan lines and was on whatever show that was where two loud ladies figure out your real cup size and then announce your measurements like they’re winning Lotto numbers.

Check out how fast the red car is going so they don’t have to see anything wobbling.

braRed Audi TT that crashed into a house in Suffolk

So, yeah.

Forty minutes into taping and Abby still had not found her seat next to Jai, so my other behind-the-scenes boy decided to just throw it to the first dance of the evening before Lifetime stuck another Little Women repeat in his time slot.


Srsly.  Look at the vein in his head and the show hasn’t even started yet.

bsEventually, Abby managed to find her way out onto the stage.  I forget how long it took.

Notice how Melissa got the NeNe Seat next to Jai?  I see what you did there, Lifetime.


Q.  Why is Jai so far away from everyone?  There’s not even anything on that little table.

jaAnd I thought I was the only one Abby had slapped with a 20′ restraining order.

The first round of discussions focused on how Melissa had announced the Zieglers’ departure from the show, so you know there was a lot of legal MyLawyerSaid blah blah blah flying everywhere.  Abby still couldn’t let that one go and for some reason felt that the announcement should have been made at a CNN press conference.

Because she totally said that.

Like somehow Maddie and Mackenzie leaving Dance Moms was akin to Cuba finally letting in the Kardashians.

You.  Sit down.  Nia‘s still on the show.  Relax.

trump-dismissive-gifJai:  Jill…what does Maddie leaving mean for Kendall?

MomCrush Jill:  I dunno.

jvSide note:  I expected Jill’s hair to be much larger this week.

Abby cut in and announced that Kendall would be re-recording some of her old songs as well as coming out with a new song and eventually an album.  Not sure if that was a show of support or a clever way to distract poor KK from getting more solos in Season 6.5.

Look at Abby calling everyone losers but doing it with the wrong hand.

loserThe question made for a smooth segue into the whole Brynn vs. Old Maddie vs. New Maddie saga, causing Jill and Ashlee to get so stirred up that they went another couple of rounds on who called whose kid stupid, pretty much reenacting the last 18 weeks of confrontations in much nicer clothes.

ashIt got heated.

Lawsy.  And my Daddy won’t be home for hours.

Look at Jay fanning himself like some southern belle.giphy-1fantumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500And then the Mini Me Moms showed up!

Tiffany and Kerri.

tkSari and her fingernails.sAnd Yolanda, who I think left as soon as Jai introduced her, because I don’t remember her talking at all during their segment.


Oh.  Never mind.  There she is.

My bad.  Still there.

syoSide note:  Anyone else watch Mob Wives?  I loved that show.

Tell me the two of them don’t look exactly like Renee and Carla right before they used to throw down in Staten Island.

Renee and Carla:

FullSizeRender (20)Sari and Yolanda:

syoThat’s not a bad thing.  I love all four of those ladies.  But you know I nailed it.

Game Time:  Mob Wives or Dance Moms?

Get it right and you could win one of Nia’s over-stuffed dance bags.  You see all the crap she can fit in there?  Who needs that many thera-bands in their life?
Screen-Shot-2012-12-17-at-6.29.37-PMKidding.  There’s no prize.

Sari felt that the touching dance Areana had done in honor of her brother last week had been downplayed, which opened up that whole can of worms again.  Between what Melissa said and didn’t say and what was edited and not edited…you know I’m still not touching that one.

Not even with that 10 microphone pole that Abby keeps shutting in the office door frame.

Not gonna do it.

Especially when it’s just about to get real good.


Jai-by Baby asked Abby what her biggest concern was now that she was in the middle of all this legal dramzzzz.  You know.  The federal investigation into missing money and stuff.

Yeah.  He went there.

Abby was all like…

tumblr_m8cpkvsEZC1qlvwnco1_400…and then responded that her biggest concern was that ‘they’ told Jai to say it and he said it.  Abby don’t play when it comes to TMZ.

And what about when Abby was missing in action for so many competitions?

What sup wid dat?  Anyone?  Jessalynn?


My Three Favorite Things:




hf4And Jessalynn stirring up s***.

tumblr_o43knwSvll1tb8iyko1_500Like right at this point when she blurted out that one of Abby’s biggest meltdowns this season was caused by finding out “that little girl Chloe” had just gotten a movie role.

Wait.  What?

Did she just say–?

Yeah.  That Chloe.  giphytumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500We love Chloe!  And it’s true.  She’s gonna be in a movie.  So proud!

Side note:  Remember when Chloe’s Mom sent me that photo of Holly reading a book and eating an apple next to a dumpster?  It was so random that it was probably the most awesome thing anyone has ever given me that wasn’t clothes.

Jessalynn got all like…

tumblr_mfwu2uFZoZ1qfkgtwo1_500And then Abby got all like…

cc2And then Jessalynn got all like “But I Can” and then touched her hair.

Q.  Was it just me or did JoJo‘s Mom touch her head a lot this week?jh46359486545315238671539361387_XPS4tzRAYc8NhHbHmp765SUSBVq2fsFWVLtLV6W8zfHzNkAc374j4wmDTk15Ya5-PbDB7wNWIn0pxrAkPPl5uPzxC942Qdsfo-luQok0z0PM6uP_jzR6BDH2M4LkoT2u9HhoFQKPjhtumblr_n2rky5nJZ21qk08n1o1_500jh2Maybe it was just me.

Luckily, the Voice of Reason took over as Holly defused the situation by discussing how she had taken matters into her own hands and gotten the girls some #DebbieFace time with Debbie Allen.

Look at how #KrazyHappy Holly looks right there.  I forget why.

h2Disclaimer:  I’m gonna pretend that Jai didn’t ask Holly how she felt now that Nia was one of the last remaining original ALDC dancers, because…duh…she’s the ONLY remaining original ALDC dancer left and…ummm…


Unfortunately, that Moment of Clarity (…still available online, FYI…) was just the calm before the storm, because all of the sudden the whole crew was back on that whole #BabySitGate scandal again.

Did she or didn’t she?

Did Kira really pawn Kalani off on Melissa for 3 months so she could take her newborn baby to the park in peace?  Did Melissa feel used?  Who was Kira really aiming for when she threw that water bottle?  Did Melissa really not sleep for 7 days worrying about Kalani’s sore back?  Does Melissa even know that if someone has a broken back they’d probably be paralyzed right now and not doing African dance with Nia?

And isn’t it racist to make all the people with glasses sit in the same section?


Or at least hilarious?  How does that even happen?

Who knows.  And who cares.

All that really matters is that we got to hear Jess tell Kira that she she’s not actually the most brightest person in the room one more time.

Oh.  And we got to see this guy in the green button down hating his life right now.hate

True Fact:  At every Reunion there’s at least one guy who gets tricked into showing up cuz they tell him it’s a sports bar.  I love this show.

And then it was down to the last 6 minutes of Melissa’s time on Dance Moms.


Which meant that we got one last montage of tears and giggles and Kristie Ray and Melissa flashing the other set of Ziegler girls to an unsuspecting Mardi Gras float.

And Kelly and Christi, too!  We miss them so much!

If you’re keeping score, we even got to see half of Rachelle Rak‘s face while Melissa ugly cried at the microphone again.

Half?  Really?  You’ll be hearing from our sassy lawyers soon.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that the Ghost of Season One Abby showed up for a brief second in the Green Room.  Because it did.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

s1aAnd then it got pretty emotional.

Abby broke down a little and talked about the passing of her Mom and Broadway Baby when asked how she felt about the changes in her life.

Even Ashlee teared up as everyone started saying their goodbyes to Melissa.  Shout out to Brynn’s Mom for showing some love for Mackenzie.

ashHolly cried.


I may or may not have even had to dramatically blot for a second.

crying-gif-glee-i11Until the booze got served, that is.

Cuz that always turns them Dance Mom frowns upside down.

Everyone grabbed a champagne glass and toasted to Melissa and Sisterhood one last time as they hugged it out.  This was it.

The last time they would all be getting Ziegler wid it.

Who knows what the future holds for the Z-Team.  Only time will tell.

But I’ll miss you kids.  And you too, Melissa.

Almost as much as you’re gonna miss me, right?

mfAnd scene.


Dance Moms: With Only Three Weeks Left At The ALDC, It’s Time To Hip Hop Or Pop Off For MackZ & Swaggy Lee.

Wednesday, April 20th, 2016




Moms better have my money before TMZ finds out these are real diamonds on my snap-back.






I literally can’t even keep my head up. How does she wear this every day and not pass out?






If this is Kanye tryna get in on my mix tape again, I’m not picking up. Lil’ Holly only raps solo, yo.















Telling you right now, if everyone’s gonna start rockin’ big a** bows then we’re all going back to name tags.






Sure, I got a shiner. But let’s just say the other guy won’t be stealing my look for awhile. BooYeah.






Dat’s rite. It’s been a week and #BANGS is still trending.  So, ummm…#WINNING.





Sup, homie?

1,2,3 and to the 4.

Swaggy Lee and MackZ is at the door.

And you can quote me and Snoop on that one…

…cuz it ain’t nothing but an ALDC Thang up in here this week.

Or at least that’s what Abby Lee Miller set out to prove as Dance Moms ditched the Capezios for Yeezys and attempted their first ever hip hop trifecta.

You heard me rite, Dawg.  Three hip hop routines at the same competition.

Spoiler Alert:  These three, maybe.  Nice hat, BTW.


And isn’t that gigantic bow on the wrong person?

Sorry.  Can’t give it all away yet.

So for now, just put your arms up in the ayah ayah…and your feet up on the couch…and let’s do this from the beginning.  Starting in the parking lot.

As all the Moms and ALDC Elites gathered before the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear to all involved that the team really needed a huge win this week to regain some traction on The Road to Nationals.

Q.  That’s still a thing, right?  The Road to Nationals?

Because they haven’t mentioned it even once this season, unless it’s still too early to start that mantra.  Maybe they’re saving it for Season 6B.  That could be it.

Which if fine, because honestly, the main topic of conversation for the next 3 weeks is all going to center around the Zieglers leaving the show, anyway.

Because they’re leaving the show, you know.  All of them.

Maddie, Mackenzie and Melissa.

In 3 weeks.


Official Ziegler Countdown Clock:


Official Ziegler Countdown Drinking Game:

tumblr_mk8746w9cC1ql5yr7o1_400You know what to do by now.

Once everyone made it inside the building, Abby banged out the Pyramid in record time.

Bottom Row:  JoJo, Brynn, Mackenzie and Nia.

Middle Row:  Kendall, Kalani and Maddie.

Top Row:  JoJo again.  Wait.  What?

I think I forgot to mention that when JoJo noted she had been in the basement almost every week this season, Abby snatched her head shot off the mirror and moved it up to the top, no questions asked.  Who knew it was that easy all this time?

Jessalynn made this face…

jsw…and noted that Abby was probably just sucking up to both of them since JoJo was most likely next in line for the coveted MaddieSpot in…count ’em…3 weeks.


Personally, I think she did it to give Ashlee an aneurism on national television.  Look at her chewing her own lips off so she doesn’t go to prison for manslaughter.


Side note:  I don’t even have enough animated drinking gifs on my hard drive to make it through this episode, so you’re gonna have to do most of the Ziegler Game on your own.

This week, the gang was headed to Sacramento, CA for another Xpressions Dance Competition.  Everyone seemed pretty excited, because they all clapped.

Fun Fact:  Adrienne Maloof and her overly exasperated husband Paul Nassif from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills once owned the Sacramento Kings, but now they’re divorced and sitting on $535M they pocketed from selling the team.


He’s a plastic surgeon and she once washed a raw chicken in the sink with actual soap because that’s what stupid rich people do when their personal chef has the day off.

63cInitially, JoJo and Brynn were handed the only two hip hop solos, while Mackenzie got saddled (…pun absolutely intended…) with yet another Hoe Down Showdown’ tumble jumble mess…because Lord knows you can never have enough back bendin’, hand stand-in’, pig tailin’ cowgirl dances in 6 seasons, right?

Full disclosure:  I couldn’t find the exact cowgirl clip that I had in mind and was wasting too much time Googling it, so here’s Mackenzie patting a bunch of BeDazzled lemons hot glued to her head.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_inline_mo51oioL7v1qz4rgpWith only 3 weeks left at the ALDC LA, you know MackZ wasn’t having any of that cowgirl nonsense.  No, ma’am.  Not having it.

She really wanted to do hip hop.  And all the Moms really wanted her to do hip hop.  And Abby was outnumbered.  And this probably wasn’t going to end well at a all.

Sure enough, Abby popped a nutty.

She told the girls to do whatever they wanted and then took off into her office, screaming something about the group routine’s ‘Broken Dreams’ title before slamming the door so hard that half of the scotch tape let go on whatever all that schedule-looking clutter was she had plastered all over the wood.

You see all that?  Buy a bulletin board, maybe.


With only 3 weeks left at the ALDC LA, you know Melissa wasn’t having any of this, either.

No, ma’am.  If Mackenzie wanted to do hip hop, then she should do hip hop.

And she was going to make that point clear to Abby by busting into the office and confronting her prey face to face.  Just like that lady who climbed into the Toronto Zoo tiger’s den this week because her sun bonnet blew over the fence.

What could possibly go wrong?

I dunno.  This maybe.


Ouch.  Abby refused to talk to Melissa and tried slamming the door on the microphone guy while his boom stick thingamajig was still inside the office.

One of these things.

Except that when he finally managed to pull it out of the door frame, the fuzzy part was completely missing.  Like she had chewed it off or something.


Meat on a stick.

Side note 1:  What exactly happened in there?

Side note 2:  Why do Sound Guys always wear crazy camp shirts?

The next day, Abby was still locked inside the office as Rumer Noel, Guy Amir and some new person named Olga showed up to help choreograph all the routines.

I didn’t even know they made short-sleeved hoodies.


I love Guy.

He has mad moves and a backwards BBoy cap, so you know he’s the #RealDeal.

Rumer is a crazy good hip hopper, too, even though I swear they spelled her name ‘Rumor’ last time.  But that could just be me not paying attention.

Wouldn’t be the first time.  Or the last.  This is only Episode #16.

And that new girl Olga seemed nice enough, too, even though she was dressed in a total Debbie Allen knock-off and disappeared as soon as Abby started freaking out again.  Anyone else notice that?  Where’d she even go that fast?

I swear.  Dancers are so light on their feet when they’re under duress.

So, yeah.  Abby wouldn’t come out of the office again.

Not even when Mystery Producer Man tried to coax her out of the cave with subtitles by reminding her she had previously stated it was ok for all the kids to do hip hop if that’s what they wanted.

Remember yesterday, woman?

Wait for it.


Next thing you know, Abby stuck her head out the office window all like…


…except that is was more like…


…and probably closer to ‘”Wazowski, you didn’t file your paperwork last night”


…and started screaming at Mystery Producer Man and anyone else who would listen about how stupid everyone was until she slammed the rolling window shutter down like you do when the Snack Bar runs out of ice cream and it’s time to hit the beach.

Which is exactly what Abby did.  Really.

She took off to the beach right in the middle of all the dramzzzz.  Cheers, suckahs.

Side note:  Why are these flowers still in plastic if they’re in a vase?

flBefore Abby could even squeal out of the parking lot, tho, the Moms tried to lay down behind the car to stop her from leaving.


She was outta there.

But she did manage to call Holly on her cell from around the corner, since we all know that everyone except me has Holly in their speed dial.

Short version:  Abby was losing it.  And, clearly, she wasn’t having any of this today.

And speaking of not having any of this right now.

Look at Gianna trying to focus while that lady is screaming 6 inches from her head.


Her headset isn’t even covering both ears.  Why is she yelling?

If you can hear us…we can hear you, honey.

gI love how they don’t even try to hide camera people anymore.  #Chaos.

While Abby was off somewhere lubing up with spf 75, the rest of the crew was trying their best to prep for the upcoming competition.  It was all hands on deck.

Rumer and Guy were running the hip hop solos while Ashlee and my MomCrush Jill momentarily slid back into their old ways when Ashlee accused the other Moms of not supporting Abby in all her legal issues.

Memo to Ashlee:  Probably not something you want to say to a bunch of Moms who left their husbands and/or assorted children and pets back home to try and keep this big ol’ ALDC LA boat afloat, thank you.

Jill wasn’t having it.  And neither was Kendall.

I forget when she made these faces, but it pretty much sums up the week.

kkse kkli

And then it was MackZ’s turn to lose it.

She was having a hard time with her hip hop choreography and despite the fact that Guy thought her shoes were really cool, she melted down and ran into yet another one of those bathroom/office situations that seem to be sprinkled all over the studio.  I swear that place has more hidden passageways and secret rooms than a haunted mansion.

Speaking of.  Here’s a scene from Dark Shadows where you can actually see the shadow from one of those microphone sticks that Abby shut in the door frame.

See how it all came together?


The Circle of Life.

Luckily, it was Holly to the rescue, even though I believe Melissa is the one listed as ‘Mother’ on the birth certificate.  Not sure how they crossed wires at that moment, but somehow Holly ended up going behind closed doors to check on Mackenzie while Melissa counted backwards from 3, if you know what I mean.

I love how Holly is always the Calming Force.

I also love how she kinda looks like Jordan Sparks with this hair.  Am I right?

jsWith one day to go, Abby decided to show up again, wearing her soda can hair rollers and carrying one of those Coke Adds Life paper cups that always crumple when you try and put the lid on them with one hand.aeahCheck-Yourself-Before-You-Wreck-Yourselfah1Coming or going, Cosmo says they give you luscious, beachy Kardashian waves.

Unfortunately, Abby didn’t even have time for a comb-out before she left the studio again.

What the what is her dealio this week?

Finally, it was Showtime!

Backstage, Ashlee didn’t want Brynn going onstage looking like a prison inmate, so she somehow made a gigantic hair bow materialize out of thin air and safety pinned it to her kid’s beanie.  Like this…

bbbWhich reminded Jessalynn of this, without the foot smelling part…

dance-moms-its-solo-battle-round-1-as-jojo-go-L-EPSpwN…and resulted in 27 minutes of ‘Why You Dressing Up Yo Kid Like My Kid?’ hilarity.

Oh.  And Swaggy Lee Miller showed up.  Did I forget that part?

Yo.  Sup?

bbhmLooking like a cross between those ladies who are always in the live audience for QVC‘s In The Kitchen With David and the DOT guy who waves the flag so you don’t fall into open man holes while they’re paving your school’s parking lot, Abby busted down the back door all blinged-out like Rihanna‘s drunk aunt screaming Moms Better Have My Money on Karaoke Night.  Cuz they bettah.

I just can’t anymore.  And neither could Jill.


Or MackZ.


Or Holly.

hf1Or Elmo.

giphy-5And maybe one more Holly.

dance-moms-its-my-welcome-home-party-and-ill--L-AWK_kzAfter Swaggy checked her Sidekick and Gia discreetly updated her resume…

agia…the soloists hit the floor.

JoJo took a page out of my #BucketList and boxed in glitter gloves and painted on abs.

jjbBrynn (…allegedly…) swiped JoJo’s headgear, jumpsuit and moves.

Depends who you ask.  But she did great, regardless.


MackZ pounded out what may, or may not, have been her last solo with the ALDC.

And Abby wore these things.  On purpose.


After another one of those seemingly endless Dance Moms Guides To Everything On The Planet (…this time it was FanGirlling and then another one where they talked really fast about BFFs vs. Just Plain Fs…) it was time for the group routine.

After Jessalynn blurted out that it looked like JoJo danced twice, I mean, because…you know…the whole #BowGate thing that had erupted earlier.


Ashlee got up and moved her seat closer to Abby, forgetting to save those tears for her pillow as she got all emotional when asked what was going on between the two of them.

And then it was finally the group number.

kkmkkCostumes were cool, right?

And the choreography was pretty elaborate.  Which explains why they won First Place!

As for the rest of the results, JoJo only took Fifth Place for her Rocky number, while Brynn beat her by one and came in Fourth Place.  Which meant that now it was Jessalynn’s turn to not be having it this week.

Are you freaking kidding me?  I don’t think so.

And MackZ took home First Place for her Tiny Hat Dance.  You, go!!

mljBackstage is where it all fell apart again.

Jessalynn and Ashlee went another 17 rounds about who invented the Big Bow and for some reason, somebody felt it deserved a flashback even though we had just witnessed the scene right before the last commercial.

Look familiar?


It got a little ugly with the word ‘Hypocritical’ thrown around a few times.

And then Jessalynn pushed it over the edge by saying something about how if she wanted to dress her kid up like Brynn she would just put her in some boring leotard and a tight bun and stick her right foot up in the air…


…and wave it ’round like you just don’t care.

Well, Holly added that part.  Like the song.

You know.  Where you put your hands up in the air and wave them around like…


I’m pretty sure she was just trying to lighten the mood and get everyone to finish off the day with a good old fashioned Dance Mama rap, but when she started dropping beats and spitting eight-bars, Ashlee wasn’t having it.

Which probably explains why she tore outta there screaming how much she hated Jessalynn while the rest of the Moms started swaying back and forth holding imaginary Bic lighters and getting krunk wid it.

Dance Moms getting krunk.  It was so buck you had to see it to believe it.

And I got nothing after that.

Drop it like it’s hot, yo.




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