DanThat'sCool!

Thanks For An Amazing 2012!

Stick Around….The Party’s Just Getting Started.  2013 Will Be A Hoot.

Mmmkay?

 

 

In England we call it Five Upside The Head. You wanna try some of this?

 

 

 

Blah Blah Blah Eddie Cibrian Blah Blah LeAnn Rimes Blah Blah Bitch.

 

 

 

Well look at those things. They’re barely staying in your dress.  That’s just gross.

 

 

I’d like to see any of them do a split without breaking a hip. Haters.

 

 

 

You Cougar bitches know you’re nothing without me, right?

 

 

Mark your calendars.

Mondays are Trash Day.

Don’t forget to bring your trash cans down to the end of the driveway for pick up.

Mondays are also The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Day, and after all your hard work the Wives are bringing that trash right back into your house and dumping it in the middle of your living room.

It was the RHOBH Reunion: Part 2 and this week there was plenty of Trash to pick up.

Trashy Talk.  Trashy Tweets.  Trashy Outfits.  The Trash Trifecta.

For Part Deux we started out with a little Brandi clip montage that was overpacked with more goodies than the top of her signature strapless dress.

Smiley, squirmy King of All Things Reality Andy Cohen showed us how Brandi was initially integrated into this season’s Beverly Hills Housewives scene.  Whereas some animals, like abandoned kittens, beached dolphins or seals that have been rescued from oil slicks are gradually introduced back into their new environments, Brandi’s arrival was probably more akin to that of an elephant with one tusk getting dumped out of a plane as it skimmed the top of the trees.

With one stiletto, two crutches and zero filter between her brain and her mouth, Brandi landed in 90210 and hit the ground hobbling.

Blessed with a sailor’s mouth, a cheatin’ ex-husband and a young son able to whip it out and tinkle on any Garden Party before the second course is even served, I think it’s safe to say that Brandi has had a little trouble making friends.

The discussion heads right to the infamous Game Night, when it was Brandi vs. Everyone Else.

You remember that night.  Brandi called out Kim for being hooked on Crystal Meth.  Kyle blew a major nutty at the accusation and the Richards Sister Act got right up in Brandi’s face, complete with their attempts at sassy VH1 black girl finger waving and Kim’s now infamous “Slut Pig” insult.

Ironically, Brandi didn’t seem to mind the “Slut” part of the insult, because that’s pretty much been her nickname since Junior High.  She laughed that part off a lot which led me to believe that somewhere on her body she was wearing at least one article of clothing with “slut” embroidered on it even as the Reunion was taking place.

She and Kyle went back and forth quite a bit on the Game Night fiasco.  Both of them owned up to some of the drama with Kyle admitting to being defensive about Kim’s 42 trips to the bathroom, and Brandi pleading guilty to being pushed to the breaking point.

Turns out that after the fact, Kyle had sent Brandi a lengthy text about the whole thing and tried to smooth over some of the…umm…less flattering moments of the evening.

These women text a lot.

A lot.

Kyle must have the kind of keyboard you can turn sideways and type on, because otherwise who has the patience to type a long text to someone like Brandi?  Seriously.

Text or not, there is still no love between these two as Brandi gets into another heated discussion on bullying and Kyle gives her that condescending, look down your nose at people look that she does so well and so often, and that from now on I will refer to as the Kyle Face for ease of reading.

Taylor jumped into the middle of the trash heap by pointing out that Brandi threatened to KILL Kyle or Kim or both.  As in take someone’s life.  With everything that has gone down in Taylor’s life this year, she is not a big fan of physical abuse and death threats.

Go figure.

Lisa, who somewhere between Hawaii and this week has gotten awfully chummy with Brandi, came to her defense and tried to explain what Brandi meant by “I’ll F***ing Kill You!”

Personally, I thought “F***ing Kill You” was already pretty self explanatory but Lisa felt the need to do some crazy hand waving, sign language kind of thing which would have been way cooler if she had been wearing finger puppets.

Andy decided to break the tension for a minute by letting everyone blurt out their favorite cuss word.  I’m surprised Brandi could narrow it down to just one, but somehow she managed.  Hearing the (bleeped) out words made Andy giggle like he was in a tree house looking at his Dad’s dirty magazines.  I’m starting to think that Andy might actually be an 11 year old boy and Bravo simply sped up his growth rate in a laboratory, because he always has that child like wonderment in his eyes when he hears a potty mouth or sees anything nasty.

And as long as they were talking trash, wide eyed Andy asked them to explain the difference between dressing Sexy and dressing Slutty.

Everyone basically pointed to Brandi while Kyle made the Kyle Face again.  No matter what kind of fancy trash bag you use, if you fill it with trash it’s still trash.

Needless to say, it was a pretty quick discussion.

Someone at Bravo must have gotten a new video editing software suite, because next we got the evening’s second montage…this time of Lisa vs. Taylor.  You know the one.

The whole “If you can’t be my friend please don’t be my enemy” Tea Party thing where Lisa and Taylor went from not really being friends to Vegas Chippendale booty grinding BFFs.  That one.

Taylor admitted to not really understanding Lisa’s snarky British humor and Lisa came across like she had a bit of a Savior Complex.  Or more than a bit.

Turns out that part of Taylor’s original issues with Lisa stemmed from all the bad names that Giggy was tweeting.

Giggy.

Tweeting.

He’s a dog.

And he was tweeting.

Considering that most sissy Pomeranians that I have come across in my lifetime can’t even hold their pee when you get within 3 feet of them, tweeting is a pretty nifty trick to teach a dog.  Point goes to Lisa on that one.

Then Andy decided to toss a grenade into the middle of the room, and confronted Lisa on the rumors that everyone talks about her behind her back.

Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os, Andy.

It was all over the place after that one, in that delightfully high class Beverly Hills meets low class Suburban Mall Mean Girl kind of way that I love so much.

Here’s how it went down.  Take a deep breath…

Brandi told Lisa that people who work for Adrienne said that Adrienne talks trash about Lisa behind her back, and the whole thing turned into the Brandi vs. Adrienne Grudge Match.

Brandi and Adrienne went back and forth…and back and forth…and back and forth…on who said what about who and who doesn’t respond to texts, and who only tweets, and who doesn’t respond to tweets or retweet tweets and who invited who to whose Halloween Party and Birthday Party and if Lisa had an ulterior motive for even putting up with Brandi and by the way, how in the (bleepin’ bleep) does Brandi keep those enormous boobs in her dress?

Ok.  Maybe one of those things is made up, but it’s up to you to figure out which one.  Make it a drinking game or something.

Anyway, good thing there’s a rewind button on the DVR because this thing went on and on.

There were loads of Kyle Faces during this exchange, by the way.  Loads.

In a remarkable bit of seemlessly integrated yet unrelated bitching, the whole mess suddenly swung in Camille’s direction as she got sucked into the Black Hole of Trash Talk when she had to point out that Taylor was lying about something or other, and then right back to Brandi dragging the deceased Russell Armstong into the mix.  Brandi claimed that Russell told her that Taylor knew about the threatening email he sent to Camille, which almost shot Taylor off the couch before she counter attacked by dragging Eddie Cibrian into the pig pile.

Yup.  Time for the weekly Eddie Sucks But Not As Much As LeAnn Rimes Sucks spin out.  Brandi can be pretty sloppy when she’s tanked up on Xanax, but you have to admire who ‘nads when it comes to bashing her Ex.

After proudly admitting to slitting the tires of Eddie’s motorcycle, Brandi turns her attack back in Taylor’s face and makes a dig about Taylor’s new book.

Dissing Spousal Abuse and Suicide was probably not in Brandi’s best interest, and if she was famous enough to need a publicist that poor schmo would have a big clean up on his hands tomorrow.

But she’s not.  Just ask LeAnn Rimes.

After about a dozen or so Kyle Faces, Kyle felt it was necessary to point out that someone died here, people, but that didn’t seem to have much effect on Brandi.

Watching a dead person all season is one thing, but talking smack about him is another.  It got a little creepy for a few minutes until Andy decided to flip it back to some living hot messes.

For the second week Andy glanced over at the pile of pillows that were standing in for Kim while she is rehabbing, and asked Kyle how that whole thing was going.

Not much to report…they must be saving it for the Part 3.  Is it just me, or is this thing dragging out longer than a Dancing With The Stars finale?

Not complaining.  Just stating a fact.

And by now you should know the rules.  If Brandi gets to trash talk Eddie, then Camille gets to trash talk Kelsey Grammer.  It’s in the Bravo Employee Handbook.

Slap.  And she did.

When Andy pointed out that this year introduced the new and improved Camille 2012 model, it was the perfect opportunity to blow Frasier right off his bar stool.

Camille Grammer.  I bow to you.  I’m not worthy.

Girlfriend got about as many zings in as she could between commercials.  Kelsey didn’t stand a chance.

He also doesn’t stand a chance of ever getting that six pack her new Boy Toy has, so good luck with that one.  Again with the zing.

For the soap opera cliff hanger to get us all back next time, Andy revisited the Russell storyline and dug a little deeper into the abuse.   He brought up all the uncomfortable stuff, including when the abuse began and how Taylor oddly left a briefcase full of mystery items next to the body where she found Russell.

Then out of left field he casually mentioned that maybe Taylor may believe it was not suicide…but murder?

And then–wha–nothing?  It’s over till next week?

Gah.

Giggy is gonna have a lot to tweet about tonight.

 

I’m just here for the snacks and the Kelsey Bashing.

 

 

 

 

I’ve lost all respect for Adrienne…and Mexican food.

 

 

 

If this was Jersey I would smack you upside the head, bitch.

 

 

 

This is Beverly Hills, bitch.  Have your assistant smack her.

 

 

 

 

Best.  Job.  Ever. Take that, Seacrest.

 

 

 

Check your mailbox.

You should have already received your invitation to the super über extended version of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Show.

Stuck in between the Neiman’s catalog, your Restylane auto delivery shipment and the bill for your new Louboutins should be an embossed Bravo invite for three solid weeks of excessively dramatic excess.

High style and high tension, with perfumed air so thick that you could blot up the nervous flop sweat with $100 bills.  The only problem was that the invite didn’t clarify whether we should wear blinged out $25,000 sunglasses or protective eyewear from Home Depot for the inevitable cat fight throw downs.

The Wives were back together, with one noticeably missing piece of the Crazy Puzzle, to relive every moment of the past season.

Right as we started, something was missing.

As Andy Cohen smirked and shifted around in that grade school boy who just saw his first boobie kind of way that makes him so endearing, you knew something was up.

To his left Kyle, Taylor and Adrienne were seated like Beverly Hills royalty, all futzing with their hair and trying to figure out how to daintily cross their legs while pivoting on those ridiculously gravity defying stilettos they always wear.

To his right were Lisa and Camille…and a big pile of pillows.

In all honesty, it took me about 3 minutes into the show before I realized that the pillows were actually pillows, and not Kim slumped all over the sofa.  Even though every media outlet aside from Animal Planet had already reported that Kim had checked herself into an Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Center days before the taping, I forgot for a minute and and wondered why her dress had such enormous tassels.

Then I realized they were pillows and it all made more sense.

I guess Andy knew they were pillows before I did, because right out of the gate Reality Boy asked Kyle how Kim was doing and if she would mind giving both the chemical makeup and street value of the substance that had spiraled her sister into rehab.

Needless to say, that led to the evening’s first uncomfortably awkward span of dead air.

So long and awkward that I half expected the production booth to pipe in elevator muzac just to break the tension as Andy’s eyes darted around like the guy who sits in that really tall chair at Wimbledon.

Kyle tossed it to Kim, who would have to get back to Andy on that one.

Obviously Andy had a load of questions for the Wives.  The three week time frame was a pretty good clue, as was the stack of flashcards in his lap.  Since I figured he was not studying up for his mid terms, through the process of elimination I guessed that we were all in it for the long haul.

Like any good bartender, Andy served the lite beer first before hitting us hard with shots of tough love.

Adrienne, decked out in what I believe was either a one sleeved SuperHero costume or the dress the girl with the baton always wears at the start of the parade route, got to relive her classic Soap the Chicken scene.

I said Soap.  Not Choke.  This is a family site, thank you.  Dysfunctional family…but family.  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Somehow that seamlessly transitioned into a discussion on Lisa’s big butt and whether she had work done on it, or simply wore her dresses way too tight.

Voting is still open on that one.

Lisa also had to justify spending less than one million dollars…but more than $500 and less than $500,00 and probably more than $7124…gah…just spit it out, woman…on daughter Pandora’s over the top Pink Barbie Princess wedding.  She tried to peg most of the excess on Sweet & Sour Wedding Planner Kevin Lee, who we got to see in some kind of a John Travolta flashback/dream sequence as Kevin strutted down the walkway looking like the fiercest  Tony Manero evah picking up his dry cleaning during the Saturday Night Fever opening credits.

Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling, Dahling.

Then Andy finally started getting to the good stuff and asked about tension between former next door neighbors Lisa and Adrienne.  That’s more like it, dude.

Before our eyes the two Wives morphed into Mean Girls in the cafetorium and went off on each other about how Lisa called Adrienne’s dog Jackpot ”Crackpot.”  On Twitter even.  Bitch.

And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa didn’t want the Bachelorette Party to be held at her Palms Casino.  And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa called her new shoe line The Maloof Hoof.  And…And…

Camille spoke up and agreed that it was a little mean to call Adrienne’s feet hooves, and Lisa point/counter pointed that she liked the shoes.  The little fat shoes.

Then Adrienne made that sound that a balloon makes when the very last squirt of air comes out before it goes totally limp.

Honestly, if Adrienne could actually walk in those things you know she would have jumped to the other couch and stuck a hoof spike into Lisa’s overly lined eyeball.  (Lined in white, on the inner bottom rim.  That makes your eyes look whiter.  Duh.  The More You Know.  Knowledge is Power, kids.)

As long as they were Lisa bashing, they all gave their thoughts on Kyle’s “Lisa preys on the weak” comment, which had been originally spoken in an attempt to cheer up Taylor and hopefully pull her in off the ledge during one of her many meltdowns.  Lisa didn’t appreciate that at all.

And I know that Taylor has gone through a horrible, emotionally devastating time that I wouldn’t wish on anyone…but I think her lips were on upside down the whole time.

Andy fidgeted more than normal, fumbled through his rolodex for an easy one and then changed the subject to Beverly Hills Bling to break the tension.

As I rolled quarters to pay next month’s rent, I got to hear about Adrienne’s $100,000 home spa, Lisa’s Valentino dress that cost more than all those vaccines Sally Struthers used to cry about, and Label Whore Dana’s $25,000 sunglasses.

Yeah.  Those again.

Kyle thought it was ridiculous, but I didn’t see any H&M tag hanging off her gown either, if you know what I mean.

Then it was back to heavy hitters as Andy finally brought up the suicide of Russell Armstrong and how it has effected everyone.

Taylor held it together pretty well, I gotta admit.  You go, girl.  Stronger and stronger.

She talked about how handy it is to have her shrink, Dr. “No Sock” Sophy on speed dial, and how they speak every day and…yes…he is a real doctor even though he got his degree at a different kind of place and has a different kind of title on his name tag and doesn’t wear socks that much.  But whatever works.  Not everyone can ride Oprah’s coat tail to Dr. Stardom.

Camille admitted that she didn’t feel the show should have aired this season which probably made Andy do a thick, nervous swallow.  But it did.

And Watch What Happens Live is now 5 days a week.

So there, haters.

They all got into a pretty heavy discussion on how the show may have actually saved Taylor’s life, and by doing so didn’t paint a very nice picture of Russell.  It did give Camille a chance to slam Kelsey Grammer a little, which is obviously something on her daily to-do list.  Blondie don’t take crap anymore…but she can still dish it out.  I love her.

The whole British Tea Party from Hell mess came front and center again, and Camille defended her decision to say “IT,” which had resulted in Russell’s retina burning texts and law suit threatening email.  There was still some confusion as to whether Taylor really knew about the email before it happened, and both Adrienne and Camille blurted out that Brandi had told them that Taylor said she was in the loop.

During the heated debate, Brandi was still out in the Green Room squishing her boobs into another signature strapless, so she wasn’t there to defend herself one way or the other.  That’ll be fun next week.

Just to make sure all the pigs were rolling in the mud as the first hour finished up, Andy switched gears and put Lisa and Adrienne in the ring again by unleashing the Lisa vs. Bernie the Chef controversy.

Seems Lisa may have said some not so nice things about Bernie and his dry Mexican food.  I guess Lisa felt it was too ethnic for whatever reason if that even makes any sense, and she had gone and allegedly told someone.

Her Spanish housekeeper, maybe?

Or the Colombian crew that does her landscaping?

Lisa claims all she did was comment that there was no food by the time she got to Adrienne’s and that is what she said.

Ok.  If you live ACROSS the street from Adrienne, and still can’t get your lazy, bigger than last year butt over there in time for dinner before the food is all gone….I mean…seriously.  Is it just me?  How does that even happen?  If people are blogging that your butt looks bigger than it did last season than it probably wouldn’t kill you to skip a meal anyway.

Sometimes I just don’t get rich people.  They be crazy.

Then the whole thing just fell apart as the argument spun off course from Bernie’s illegal immigrant burritos to Lisa getting paid to gossip.

Adrienne didn’t believe that Lisa had never sold a story to the tabloids, which was one of Russell’s biggest issues with Mrs. Vanderpump all along this season.  Radar Online got a lot of press, good/bad/or otherwise, as Adrienne accused Lisa of making a profit off leaking info to their reporters, to which she obviously denied doing while nervously flipping her bangs.

Camille chimed in that she was also told Lisa did that kind of shady stuff, and probably would have snarked on Kelsey again if Lisa hadn’t flipped out and called it character assassination and some other stuff that got (bleeped) out.

Housewives….meet Mob Wives.  (Bleep) is still (bleep) even if you’re wearing (bleepin’) Valentino.

Lisa lost respect for Adrienne for saying that, Adrienne gave a half hearted apology and I think Andy may or may not have had a little nervous pee.

As bait to reel us all back in next time, Brandi came out just long enough to diss Eddie Cibrian.  I believe that her contract specifically states that she gets one jab for every two that Camille gets in on Kelsey.  Have someone from Legal check my facts.

As soon as Brandi sat down, Kyle’s back fur stood up like an alley cat that just sniffed some low class behind the dumpster, but we’re going to have to wait until next time to see what happens.

The love fest ended with Kyle sneering at Brandi, Adrienne and Lisa grinding their teeth and Camille wondering how much she could get if she puts another house on the market when Kelsey isn’t looking, all while Andy just sat there oozing that delightfully effervescent mix of boyish charm and gossipy nail tech.

Girrrllll….it’s getting good.  I need me some snacks before it hits the fan.

See you at Part 2.