DanThat'sCool!

 

I’m just here for the snacks and the Kelsey Bashing.

 

 

 

 

I’ve lost all respect for Adrienne…and Mexican food.

 

 

 

If this was Jersey I would smack you upside the head, bitch.

 

 

 

This is Beverly Hills, bitch.  Have your assistant smack her.

 

 

 

 

Best.  Job.  Ever. Take that, Seacrest.

 

 

 

Check your mailbox.

You should have already received your invitation to the super über extended version of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Show.

Stuck in between the Neiman’s catalog, your Restylane auto delivery shipment and the bill for your new Louboutins should be an embossed Bravo invite for three solid weeks of excessively dramatic excess.

High style and high tension, with perfumed air so thick that you could blot up the nervous flop sweat with $100 bills.  The only problem was that the invite didn’t clarify whether we should wear blinged out $25,000 sunglasses or protective eyewear from Home Depot for the inevitable cat fight throw downs.

The Wives were back together, with one noticeably missing piece of the Crazy Puzzle, to relive every moment of the past season.

Right as we started, something was missing.

As Andy Cohen smirked and shifted around in that grade school boy who just saw his first boobie kind of way that makes him so endearing, you knew something was up.

To his left Kyle, Taylor and Adrienne were seated like Beverly Hills royalty, all futzing with their hair and trying to figure out how to daintily cross their legs while pivoting on those ridiculously gravity defying stilettos they always wear.

To his right were Lisa and Camille…and a big pile of pillows.

In all honesty, it took me about 3 minutes into the show before I realized that the pillows were actually pillows, and not Kim slumped all over the sofa.  Even though every media outlet aside from Animal Planet had already reported that Kim had checked herself into an Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Center days before the taping, I forgot for a minute and and wondered why her dress had such enormous tassels.

Then I realized they were pillows and it all made more sense.

I guess Andy knew they were pillows before I did, because right out of the gate Reality Boy asked Kyle how Kim was doing and if she would mind giving both the chemical makeup and street value of the substance that had spiraled her sister into rehab.

Needless to say, that led to the evening’s first uncomfortably awkward span of dead air.

So long and awkward that I half expected the production booth to pipe in elevator muzac just to break the tension as Andy’s eyes darted around like the guy who sits in that really tall chair at Wimbledon.

Kyle tossed it to Kim, who would have to get back to Andy on that one.

Obviously Andy had a load of questions for the Wives.  The three week time frame was a pretty good clue, as was the stack of flashcards in his lap.  Since I figured he was not studying up for his mid terms, through the process of elimination I guessed that we were all in it for the long haul.

Like any good bartender, Andy served the lite beer first before hitting us hard with shots of tough love.

Adrienne, decked out in what I believe was either a one sleeved SuperHero costume or the dress the girl with the baton always wears at the start of the parade route, got to relive her classic Soap the Chicken scene.

I said Soap.  Not Choke.  This is a family site, thank you.  Dysfunctional family…but family.  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Somehow that seamlessly transitioned into a discussion on Lisa’s big butt and whether she had work done on it, or simply wore her dresses way too tight.

Voting is still open on that one.

Lisa also had to justify spending less than one million dollars…but more than $500 and less than $500,00 and probably more than $7124…gah…just spit it out, woman…on daughter Pandora’s over the top Pink Barbie Princess wedding.  She tried to peg most of the excess on Sweet & Sour Wedding Planner Kevin Lee, who we got to see in some kind of a John Travolta flashback/dream sequence as Kevin strutted down the walkway looking like the fiercest  Tony Manero evah picking up his dry cleaning during the Saturday Night Fever opening credits.

Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling, Dahling.

Then Andy finally started getting to the good stuff and asked about tension between former next door neighbors Lisa and Adrienne.  That’s more like it, dude.

Before our eyes the two Wives morphed into Mean Girls in the cafetorium and went off on each other about how Lisa called Adrienne’s dog Jackpot ”Crackpot.”  On Twitter even.  Bitch.

And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa didn’t want the Bachelorette Party to be held at her Palms Casino.  And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa called her new shoe line The Maloof Hoof.  And…And…

Camille spoke up and agreed that it was a little mean to call Adrienne’s feet hooves, and Lisa point/counter pointed that she liked the shoes.  The little fat shoes.

Then Adrienne made that sound that a balloon makes when the very last squirt of air comes out before it goes totally limp.

Honestly, if Adrienne could actually walk in those things you know she would have jumped to the other couch and stuck a hoof spike into Lisa’s overly lined eyeball.  (Lined in white, on the inner bottom rim.  That makes your eyes look whiter.  Duh.  The More You Know.  Knowledge is Power, kids.)

As long as they were Lisa bashing, they all gave their thoughts on Kyle’s “Lisa preys on the weak” comment, which had been originally spoken in an attempt to cheer up Taylor and hopefully pull her in off the ledge during one of her many meltdowns.  Lisa didn’t appreciate that at all.

And I know that Taylor has gone through a horrible, emotionally devastating time that I wouldn’t wish on anyone…but I think her lips were on upside down the whole time.

Andy fidgeted more than normal, fumbled through his rolodex for an easy one and then changed the subject to Beverly Hills Bling to break the tension.

As I rolled quarters to pay next month’s rent, I got to hear about Adrienne’s $100,000 home spa, Lisa’s Valentino dress that cost more than all those vaccines Sally Struthers used to cry about, and Label Whore Dana’s $25,000 sunglasses.

Yeah.  Those again.

Kyle thought it was ridiculous, but I didn’t see any H&M tag hanging off her gown either, if you know what I mean.

Then it was back to heavy hitters as Andy finally brought up the suicide of Russell Armstrong and how it has effected everyone.

Taylor held it together pretty well, I gotta admit.  You go, girl.  Stronger and stronger.

She talked about how handy it is to have her shrink, Dr. “No Sock” Sophy on speed dial, and how they speak every day and…yes…he is a real doctor even though he got his degree at a different kind of place and has a different kind of title on his name tag and doesn’t wear socks that much.  But whatever works.  Not everyone can ride Oprah’s coat tail to Dr. Stardom.

Camille admitted that she didn’t feel the show should have aired this season which probably made Andy do a thick, nervous swallow.  But it did.

And Watch What Happens Live is now 5 days a week.

So there, haters.

They all got into a pretty heavy discussion on how the show may have actually saved Taylor’s life, and by doing so didn’t paint a very nice picture of Russell.  It did give Camille a chance to slam Kelsey Grammer a little, which is obviously something on her daily to-do list.  Blondie don’t take crap anymore…but she can still dish it out.  I love her.

The whole British Tea Party from Hell mess came front and center again, and Camille defended her decision to say “IT,” which had resulted in Russell’s retina burning texts and law suit threatening email.  There was still some confusion as to whether Taylor really knew about the email before it happened, and both Adrienne and Camille blurted out that Brandi had told them that Taylor said she was in the loop.

During the heated debate, Brandi was still out in the Green Room squishing her boobs into another signature strapless, so she wasn’t there to defend herself one way or the other.  That’ll be fun next week.

Just to make sure all the pigs were rolling in the mud as the first hour finished up, Andy switched gears and put Lisa and Adrienne in the ring again by unleashing the Lisa vs. Bernie the Chef controversy.

Seems Lisa may have said some not so nice things about Bernie and his dry Mexican food.  I guess Lisa felt it was too ethnic for whatever reason if that even makes any sense, and she had gone and allegedly told someone.

Her Spanish housekeeper, maybe?

Or the Colombian crew that does her landscaping?

Lisa claims all she did was comment that there was no food by the time she got to Adrienne’s and that is what she said.

Ok.  If you live ACROSS the street from Adrienne, and still can’t get your lazy, bigger than last year butt over there in time for dinner before the food is all gone….I mean…seriously.  Is it just me?  How does that even happen?  If people are blogging that your butt looks bigger than it did last season than it probably wouldn’t kill you to skip a meal anyway.

Sometimes I just don’t get rich people.  They be crazy.

Then the whole thing just fell apart as the argument spun off course from Bernie’s illegal immigrant burritos to Lisa getting paid to gossip.

Adrienne didn’t believe that Lisa had never sold a story to the tabloids, which was one of Russell’s biggest issues with Mrs. Vanderpump all along this season.  Radar Online got a lot of press, good/bad/or otherwise, as Adrienne accused Lisa of making a profit off leaking info to their reporters, to which she obviously denied doing while nervously flipping her bangs.

Camille chimed in that she was also told Lisa did that kind of shady stuff, and probably would have snarked on Kelsey again if Lisa hadn’t flipped out and called it character assassination and some other stuff that got (bleeped) out.

Housewives….meet Mob Wives.  (Bleep) is still (bleep) even if you’re wearing (bleepin’) Valentino.

Lisa lost respect for Adrienne for saying that, Adrienne gave a half hearted apology and I think Andy may or may not have had a little nervous pee.

As bait to reel us all back in next time, Brandi came out just long enough to diss Eddie Cibrian.  I believe that her contract specifically states that she gets one jab for every two that Camille gets in on Kelsey.  Have someone from Legal check my facts.

As soon as Brandi sat down, Kyle’s back fur stood up like an alley cat that just sniffed some low class behind the dumpster, but we’re going to have to wait until next time to see what happens.

The love fest ended with Kyle sneering at Brandi, Adrienne and Lisa grinding their teeth and Camille wondering how much she could get if she puts another house on the market when Kelsey isn’t looking, all while Andy just sat there oozing that delightfully effervescent mix of boyish charm and gossipy nail tech.

Girrrllll….it’s getting good.  I need me some snacks before it hits the fan.

See you at Part 2.

 

 

 

No…you’re crazier.       No…you’re crazier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s just call it a tie.   And yes, that is sissy dog hair on my jacket. Thanks for asking, you crazy NutWad.

 

 

 

 

I’m thinking it’s safe to assume that someone at Bravo TV has a corporate membership card to Costco or Sam’s Club, because when the interns went shopping this week for some Beverly Hills Crazy they only bought the industrial size containers.

It must have taken them at least two trips to the Bravo van to get all the family size Nutella out of the store for this week’s episode.  Whether your money comes from uprooting NBA teams, messy divorces, your husband’s wallet or residuals from a childhood movie career that’s gone South, buying in bulk really pays off.  And the money that Bravo saved allowed them to sneak in some over the top Beverly Hills Fab cameo appearances and still come in under budget.  The crazy is oversized, and so is the recap, so get some snacks…

The fun picked up where we left off last week as Adrienne and her sixth grade prankster husband Paul continued to poke each other with sticks while they waited for Kim to get her lazy butt to the airport.

After apparently spending all the Sacramento Kings ticket profits on her movie set home and those Christmas glitter hair extension strings, Adrienne is trying to decide if she should pack up the Kings and move them to LA for bigger digs and mo’ money.

Since the woman can’t seem to make franchise decisions any quicker than she can pick out shoes for an event, nobody knows if tonight’s game is the swan song for the team.

Last minute much, Adrienne?

Everyone is worried that this is either going to be a fan blood bath, with Adrienne being pummeled by those giant purple foam fingers or a publicity nightmare…or both.  And everyone knows that when you are flying blindly into the unknown it’s always important that you bring along some moral support.

Or, if the moral support didn’t get your text, a crazy aging former child actress whose mental stability is constantly called into question will do.

Can someone get Kim on the phone?

Now you’re caught up.

So Kim is running late, because she lost power at her house.  When they get her on the line, Paul stops giving Adrienne head noogies and Indian sunburns long enough to mention that Kim sounds intoxicated.  Not only is Paul the King of Spousal Irritation, he is also pretty observant even though the fact that Kim rambled on like a junior high film strip narrator on a loop was probably a pretty good clue.

When Kim finally makes it onto the plane, she is a big hot mess and appeared to have stuck her head out the limo window like a Basset Hound for the entire ride to the airport.

Kim also apparently never stopped the phone conversation even after Adrienne had hung up because she was still going on about the power failure and her story was that it was so dark in her house that she couldn’t see to put on her make up and do her hair and she debated going next door to the neighbors to ask if she could plug in her hair dryer but she didn’t really know them that well but she was late and there was no power and she knew that Adrienne was waiting and she didn’t want to be late even though she was already late because there was a power failure and she couldn’t do her hair and didn’t recognize Adrienne when she called her on her cell phone and it was dark.

If you think reading a paragraph with no punctuation is difficult, try listening to it.  Seriously.

And as a side note…there was bright sunlight streaming in through all the airplane windows, so I’m thinking that the whole thing was less a power failure, and more Kim forgetting to open her eyes when she woke up from her (alleged) booze induced power nap.

Keep re-reading that above paragraph for 30 more minutes over and over and you’ve got a pretty good idea how the flight to Sacramento played out.  Bodyguard Johnnie could barely focus on his Nintendo DSi or whatever he was dinking around with the whole time.

Our second bulk purchase of crazy was delivered to Kyle’s house.  Having just moved in, and being no where close to unpacked, Kyle figured that this was a great time to put on a benefit Silent Auction extravaganza for The Lollipop Theater Network to help little kids with cancer.  A great cause, but when your house looks like a cross between HGTV’s Dream Home and A&E’s Hoarders it might not be the best time to send out invites.

Before all the envelopes are even licked Kyle is starting to crack, and since her Party Checklist is buried somewhere in that room full of boxes she waits until the last minute for pretty much every aspect of the gala.  Kyle has developed one of those nervous laugh explosions that come out of nowhere, hits you in the face and then immediately disappears whenever she gets cornered or uncomfortable.  For real.  Watch for it.

Meanwhile, Lisa and her puppy carrying husband Ken are looking to expand their restaurant into the big open space next door.  Somehow between last week and this week Lisa has managed to bully Ken into going along with her fantasy project because he is now suddenly giving the whole thing a big thumbs up.  With the hand that is not holding sissy dog Jiggy in his robin’s egg baby blue onesie, of course.  That hand.  If he had a third hand it would probably be on the barrel of a shot gun.  But don’t get me started on that one.

Crazy #3 gets served when Taylor drops by Kyle’s to check on the hoarding and the party planning.  And then it gets good.

Seems that Taylor found an article in the press about her failing marriage to Russell Armstrong.  She couldn’t have been looking very hard if she only found one, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.  The article is full of juicy scoop about her marriage that only someone privy to the Inner Circle would have access to…cue soap opera organ music.  Can you say Spy?  Is someone leaking her dirt to the press?  Is someone talking about her on the internet?  Are more people reading my blog than I thought?  Was it me all along?  What have I done?

In an odd moment Taylor swears it can’t be anyone in her camp, because everyone that is involved with her has a confidentiality agreement.  Everyone.

Good luck with that, honey.  See that camera over there?  By that big pile of boxes?  And the one by the other big pile of boxes?  Newsflash.  You’re on Bravo TV.

Bottom line, she thinks that Lisa is the mole.  The leak.  The snitch.  Uh oh, spaghetti O’s.

The Sacramento Kings game was just what you would expect.  Crazed fans.  Hottie Cheerleaders that want to be called Dancers.  Adrienne getting ballsy and leaving the safety of the fancy viewing box to hang with the common people in one last show of solidarity before she rips their team and their jobs away from them.  The only thing really unexpected was Kim somehow thinking the whole thing was for her benefit as she waved to the crowd and up at the Jumbotron like she was just released from an overseas prison.  Between her non stop chatter about chocolate and the fear of NBA snipers on the roof I was half expecting Adrienne to stick a couple of corn dogs in Kim’s pockets and shove her into the crowd like feeding time at the Lion cage.

At the very last minute someone in the production booth must have realized that they completely forgot to put Camille into this episode because they suddenly spliced in a scene where we got to watch her shop for a wetsuit and surf board.  Riveting television.  Edward R. Murrow would be proud.  So proud.

Finally we get the motherlode of crazy dropped off at Kyle’s charity benefit.  Everything is last minute.  Everything is late.  There’s a broken lollipop on the ground.  Kyle is wearing horizontal stripes.  Nothing is going right.  She is afraid that no one is going to show up, but luckily a ton of people want to be on Bravo TV so the joint is jumping by the end.

Lisa stops playing with her bangs and pushing her cleavage in everyone’s face long enough to corner Taylor and get all English schoolmarm on her about Taylor’s very obvious ongoing weight loss.  Lisa is concerned about Taylor’s looks.  Taylor is concerned that Lisa is wired with a TMZ mic.  They go back and forth and the whole thing convinces Taylor even more that Lisa is spreading dirt to the press.  Even though Lisa almost proudly admits that they are not friends, she is concerned and would love Taylor to hide out in Casa de Vanderpump far away from her husband.  The World’s strangest invite to a sleep over.  Ever.

Taylor needs more proof before she goes all Housewives of New Jersey on Lisa, so she speaks with one of Kyle’s guests, Hollywood Publicist Elliot Mintz.

Pixar needs to make a movie on this guy.  Immediately.

Holding his wine glass by the very base of the stem, Elliot goes into his best Dr. Evil impression, and through pretty much every catch phrase from every mystery movie ever made, schools Taylor in how to hunt down her enemy.  Between long dramatic sips of his champagne he discusses killing the head of the snake amongst other cinematic gems all while demonstrating the best evil villain glass holding technique I’ve ever seen.

I am totally practicing that at Dunkin Donuts tomorrow morning.

To finish off the party with a big bang of crazy, and to set us up for some quality Bravo girl fights next week, in walks…or hobbles, at least…Brandi Glanville.

Who?  Yup.  Another quasi-housewife.  A new one!  Not big enough to get her picture on the opening credits yet, or her face on anything in the online Bravo store, but a force to be reckoned with.  Brandi’s claim to fame is that she used to be married to the pretty guy who dumped her for LeAnn Rimes.

And…umm…yeah, that pretty much covers it.

That, and the fact that she fell off her high heel shoes and is now on crutches.  And that she is crazy.  And that during her one on one confessional shots she is wearing a Mad Max Thunderdome kind of bustier that looks like it still has the hanger inside it.  Now that covers it.

Oh…and she knows Lisa’s ex-boy toy Cedric.

Let the games begin.  I’m going to need another Costco run before next week.