Posts Tagged ‘Leslie Ackerman’

Dance Moms: Wassup With All These Maddie Rumors? Inquiring Minds Want To Know…She Staying Or She Going?

Wednesday, March 16th, 2016

jonas

 

 

I know it’s very last minute, but I found you this furry thing and even one of the Jonas Brothers.

 

 

j

 

 

I’m telling you right now…that kid is not going to the Award Show wearing my favorite furry vest.

 

 

purp

 

 

OMG. I’m like 11 years old. Why don’t they just glue eyes on this thing and shoot me now?

 

 

kkh

 

 

 

 

#JustStop

 

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It’s like they’re all looking at me right now. I can’t even remember what we’re talking about.

 

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I paid extra to have my name engraved, but it was worth it. Purell your hands before you touch it.

 

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And make sure to give them all Face like “Bitch, I know you’re jealous of my Eyeball Jacket.”

 

 

 

Drumroll.

The envelope, please.

And the Award for the most Mama Drama goes to…

Psych.

I don’t wanna spoil it for you.

You’ll figure it out on your own soon enough, tho.  Trust me.

But first, we need to get you ready for something fancy.

Like an award show, maybe.

Because that’s exactly how this week’s Dance Moms started out….in full-on pre-show mode with Abby, Melissa and Maddie getting their hair did and their faces Beat to the Gawdz for the upcoming People’s Choice Awards.

mmWell…ok…that’s a lie.

The show actually started with this wide shot:

signsThink those signs are big enough?

Then we went into hair and makeup, because Maddie had been nominated for a 2016 PCA in the “Seriously Popular” category along with some other people who were also in the category.  I forget who exactly, but Melissa ran through the list of names on her iPhone while the camera zoomed in on all this tasty goodness…aa1I see what you did there, Mr. CameraGuy.

married-to-medicine-season-2-quad-201#ShadyBoots.

Since Mackenzie was back in Pittsburgh performing with the original ALDC squad this week, Melissa had given Abby 2 tickets to tonight’s award show, but nobody knew who her Mystery Date was going to be for the evening.  Even when pressed by Melissa, Abby wouldn’t give up any details on a potential escort.

Side note:  I’ve said it before, but still.tumblr_o43kj5nX7S1tb8iyko2_500

mw-dc905_trump_20150108160332_zhSeparated at Birth, or nah?

Even my MomCrush Jill had to bow to the awesomeness of Abby’s spray tan this week.

Flashback:  Remember when all the Toddlers & Tiaras kids used to get hosed down on the kitchen table while they’re brothers were sitting there in the overspray just trying to eat their cereal?  I loved that show.

And speaking of probably violating at least one city ordinance or fire code…the ALDC LA studio was busting at the seams with Dance Moms this week.  They were everywhere.

The Mini Moms were finally back (…minus two of the blond ones who took their kids and hit the road back to wherever…) as well as all the original full-size Moms.

Disclaimer:  I said full-size, not full-figure.  Relax, people.

And there was even a new Mom on the scene this week.

Meet Jeannie and her trifecta of tiny dancers.

31Kaylee, Rihanna and Coco.  11, 9 and 7 respectively.

I’m assuming they were either personally called and invited to the ALDC or were drawn in by those gigantic window signs.  I’m not sure.  But there they were, regardless.

So now, not only did we finally meet a 7 year old child named Coco, but the Mini Team was potentially back up to its full 6 member headcount again.

That’s right.  Abby was going to have the oldest girl, Kaylee, dance with the tater tots.

Which made Kaylee get all like ‘Excuse Me?’

duh …because she usually gets paid for babysitting, thank you.

Duh.

Oh.  And Peyton‘s Mom already knew Jeannie.  Because of course she did.

And she already wasn’t a big fan, which caused Kerri to make the same face she made when she refused to believe that any woman in the building could afford that quilted Chanel bag sitting behind her head.  As if.

chanelGossip Dept.:  Every major CVS rag on the rack had recently published stories about Maddie leaving the ALDC to pursue other interests, but Melissa was refusing to acknowledge the articles or discuss the situation with any of the Moms.

But, of course, that didn’t stop Ashlee from asking about it anyway.

Melissa did this a lot this week.

mzsmStill in curlers, Abby rushed through the Pyramid of Shame so she and the Zs could head off to the Awards for some free swag and appetizers.

Bottom Row:  Mackenzie, Kalani, JoJo and Nia.

Psych #2.  Abby moved Nia’s photo up one row, which caused Nia to make this face.

2015-08-10-1439188332-2404835-willisI mean, this face.

niaWhatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Miller?

Middle Row:  Kendall and Brynn, followed by Maddie on Top.

This week, the gang was headed to Placentia, CA for the Dream Dance Competition.

The new & improved Minis would be performing a group routine entitled ‘The Monsters,’ while the Big Girls would be circling overhead just like ‘The Vultures’ Abby thinks they are some times.  And Maddie got a solo.  Because Maddie.  ‘The Peoples Choice…Or Not?’

With their Uber already waiting outside to take them downtown, Abby tracked down Brynn in that freaky back storeroom and asked her if she wanted to go to the awards.

This face, tho.

bWhat do you think, lady?

Bonus Points:  To both Abby, for somehow finding an entire last minute Muppet-inspired outfit in Brynn’s size just hanging on a rack and to that random Boy Toy assistant who looked like whichever Jonas Brother it is that always works out, who kept walking in and out of the shot carrying what appeared to be a deli sandwich all wrapped to-go.

I don’t even understand this show anymore.

amPsych #3:  Hope Brynn didn’t cut the tags off that outfit, cuz she ain’t going anywhere.

It was a mess.

The other Moms took offense to Abby asking Brynn first instead of one of the other girls.

Which made Ashlee mad.

Which got Jill mad.

To nip it in the bud, Abby asked Kendall and Kalani if they wanted to go in Brynn’s place, but neither of them were touching that one with a ten foot pole.  Kudos for having the maturity to not take food right out of the mouth of your new little dance friend, girls.kk

Somehow when the dust settled, it ended up that Jill was going to the awards instead, even though she had nothing to wear.

Again…as if.

Deep down, I’ve always believed that everything Jill wears is actually velcro rip-away stuff that’s hiding something sequined underneath just in case anything like this ever happens to come up at the last minute and she finally gets that call from Dancing With The Stars.

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I know, right?  Iconic.

Eventually, everyone pig-piled on top of each other and nobody ended up going with Abby.

Nobody.

Jill wasn’t going to steal a little girl’s ticket.  Ashlee wasn’t going to let her baby girl get bulldozed by anyone.  Holly couldn’t believe we were still talking about this same issue 30 minutes later.  And then I did the math and realized that I could have just taken the last ticket and saved everyone alot of grief.  Thanks for nothing, ladies.

Fast forward:  And the Winner is…Maddie Ziegler!!  Our girl won!!

OMG.  Like Seriously Popular.pca

The next day, Team Ziegler was back and telling all their exciting celebrity stories.

pca2Melissa even brought the trophy to work and put it in Holly’s spot.

awWould you mind just scooting down a little bit so my baby’s trophy can get the good light?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Side note:  I’m starting to love that clip almost as much as I love Holly.

After allowing everyone to touch the award like it was some religious artifact from the Holy People’s Choice Land, Melissa finally put it down and we got to watch the girls rehearse.

Srsly.  How adorbz were those little fur coats?  Even before they hot glued all the roly-poly craft store hilarity onto the fur?  I mean, c’mon.

eye1Spoiler Alert:  Why are there only three kids in that picture?

Clearly, the only person who wasn’t loving the purple fur…other than the guy they had to hunt down on Sesame Street for his pelt and eyeballs, of course…

purple4…was Kaylee, who rolled her still attached eyes and (…allegedly…) copped an attitude.

Mom immediately sat her down for the 411.

Apparently, Kaylee felt that the dance was for babies.  Too young.  Too cheeky.  And why would anyone above the age of 10 want to pretend to be a monster and be all like…

monsterI dunno, honey.  Why don’t we ask this lady when she’s done cashing in all her millions?

giphyYaaaaaaaas, Gaga.

Q.  And didn’t Brooke Hyland dance with Minis even when she was old enough to date boys and take a pie in the face?  Wasn’t she like 27 and still stepping on Mackenzie Boo back in the day?  Gah.  We miss those Hylands.

Take a bow, kids.  XOXO

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With barely a day to go before the competition, all the Moms were out back by the dumpster (…cuz that’s where all the good trash gets talked…) dishing the dirt about Jeannie and her kids and…of course…the dreaded Social Media.

Yup.  Turns out that Jeannie had smack talked Abby and the ALDC crew online, calling them out for unprofessionalism and bad behavior and a stressful work environment and all the regular stuff you always put on social media when your boss rubs you the wrong way.

Mmmm.  Do tell.

smedia

#StrongKidsWalkAway.  She actually wrote that.

Yikes.

h1Probably not the best time for Jeannie & Co to roll up in their Escalade to announce that they were quitting the team already.

Side note:  Was it my TV or was Jessalynn talking really loud this week?  Cuz my ears…

I heart her, tho.  Here she is being loud again.

Stop it.  No…you stop it.

jsShort version:  Abby saw the social media posts and threatened to sic one of her 143 libel lawyers on Jeannie, who threw Chloe‘s name into the mix just to get everyone wound up.

Kudos to Melissa for standing up for the Lukasiaks and making it clear that Jeannie didn’t know the whole back story.

And then they were gone.

I guess Kaylee was off to do something better that didn’t involve scary faces and purple fur that watches you wherever you go in the room.

Art-MUI mean, really.  How creepy were all those coats hanging behind Maddie?  Go back up and look at that picture again.  I wouldn’t be able to sleep with those things in the house.

With the Mini roster completely cut in half, Abby scrambled the girls into a Trio and then snatched two random ALDC hip hop girls who happened to be walking by and signed them up to do a Duet at the last minute.  Sometimes panic brings out the best in everyone.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Hat Day at the judges’ table.  You see that?  On point, boys.

Jill asked Melissa one more time if Maddie was sticking around or not, to which Melissa replied “As of right now”…which could either mean she’ll finish the dance, the season or this week’s episode.  Who knows.

But her solo was awesome.

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And they were barely done raving about it when the two surprise hip hop girls showed up backstage for some healthy competition.  And most of Abby’s attention.hh

Look at Brynn.  She totally knew what was about to hit the hip hop fan.b3

Needless to say, Kerri didn’t like that…at all.  So she made this face again.  chanel

But in a different outfit.

kr

And on steroids.

Kerri wanted her daughter to get some attention.  And respect.  And now.

Abby knew what she was doing.  She’d done it before, right?  We even got to see Chloe in an Amber Alert’ flashback to prove her point about healthy competition!

Hey, Boo!  Miss you more!

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And then it got louder.

Abby yelled.  Kerri yelled.  Peyton cried.  Rinse & Repeat.

Yell at my kid one more time.  You’re the people I don’t want in my studio.  You’re the culture.  Yell at my kid one more time.  I can get louder.

It was getting ugly.  And even louder.

 All Holly could think about was how good the coffee was…

hf…and the Bronx.

Bronx-ny-postcard

Where this happened.  Remember?
dance-moms-fightThey cut out this part since there were Minis in the room…

tumblr_n0w5c8WCiY1ql5yr7o2_250And they even cut out this part from when it aired overseas and somebody had to subtitle Holly when she was freaking out…

God Bless the Internet.  I even love Holly in Portuguese.

Luckily, it didn’t escalate to Kelly 2.0 and the show went on after all.

True Fact:  The pep talk between the 3 Minis was probably the best part of the whole episode.  Those kids are hilarious.  Face.  Give them Face.  Give them pre-school Face.

We got this.

Stop it.  I just can’t.

jsBoth the Mini Duet and Mini Trio went off without a hitch.  The Trio really stepped it up at the last minute, despite all the Mama Drama right before they went onstage.

Side note:  I really wanted to point out that one of the Minis has the most amazing calf muscles for such a teenie weenie, but it sounds way more unintentionally creepy when I say it out loud…so never mind.

The Big Girls were off the chart, too.

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All the flashbacks this week made me recall those dime store costumes and Crayola makeup jobs the Moms used to have to do on their kids mugs.  They’ve certainly come a long way since digging through that ratchet ALDC tutu store.

After a quick power point lesson on the mating rituals and survival techniques of Vultures (…Aegypius Monachus…) by Dr. Holly, it was time to hand out some awards.

Which the ALDC scooped up like those afore mentioned scavenging birds.

Mini Duet took First Place.  Mini Trio snagged Second Place.  And the Big Girls brought home another First Place trophy to put next to Melissa’s People’s Choice Award.

Which brought everyone back to the same old question one more time?

‘Sup with Maddie now?

mdHmmm.

Rumors?  Go figure.

Maybe next week.

Or not, I guess.

mz

Dance Moms: A Toast To The ALDC! Drink All That Kool-Aid And Fix Those Feet…It’s The Abby Lee Horror Story.

Wednesday, March 9th, 2016

bom

 

 

I know, right? It’s 3 o’clock and they’re still not dressed yet. Being a grownup looks awesome.

 

 

kpt

 

 

It didn’t get creepy until I caught her in my room, braiding her hair and wearing all my new clothes.

 

 

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As long as you’re living in my house and under my roof, these are my rules…and my pajamas.

 

 

fcdtrsulo0fjq7fazmz9

 

 

Hold up, ladies. I thought we were going out drinking. Why is everyone still in their PJs?

 

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This is way better than wearing a bra. Raise your hand if you think every day should be PJ Day!

 

 

hc

 

 

I can’t believe that not one of these heifers could tell me I left the house with curlers in my hair.

 

 

chips

 

 

 

I don’t know what’s in these chips, but they’re making me thirsty. I could sure use some Kool-Aid.

 

 

Thirsty?

Well, here you go.

I made you a special Dance Moms cocktail.

UYD9vfxJust drink it and don’t ask any questions.

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It’s awesome, right?koolkid

Oh, yeah.  That’s the good stuff.

Hold on to your glass, tho, cuz you’re definitely gonna need a few more rounds before we finish up with this recap.  If it ever gets started, that is.

Yup.  It was sloooow going when we first hit the ALDC LA this week.  Really slow.

As in:  The place was deserted.

No Moms.  No Abby.  No nuthin.

Just the ALDC kids, who were not allowed to be on camera without their Moms but were somehow, under California law, still old enough to drive themselves to an abandoned dance studio where they were quickly scooted into a secret room to do their homework.

How does that even work?

There was also my favorite sub-titled producer running around off-camera looking for their Moms as well a Sound Engineer who talked exactly like Crocodile Dundee and this guy in Converse All-Stars who asked that his face be blurred out for some legal reason.

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Oh.  And this guy on his phone.  And that other guy in winter clothes.

coatBecause it’s California.  And it’s 95 degrees out.  And everyone else is wearing shorts.

Except for that one random guy walking around in a winter coat, scarf and beanie, carrying a role of blue duct tape like he was gonna secure someone’s mouth shut and then throw them in the trunk of that white car that had been idling outside the front door since the show started.  What is even happening right now?

No wonder the guy with the glasses was calling the cops.

Kidding.  I don’t really know if it was 95 degrees that day.

So no Moms.  Just kids.  And Ashlee, who arrived with Brynn (…on time, thank you…) and immediately (…allegedly…) began plotting how to use the lack of adult supervision to her benefit.  Hmmmm.  Lemme think now…

ash2

Eventually, Abby emerged from that whacky back room storage room dorm room thingamajig and asked what wassup.

Abby:  What’s happening?

Ashlee:  I just don’t have no clue.

Brynn:

51E0EYT3XPL-1

That kid is a hoot.

Since now there wasn’t not nobody else in the building…

Grammar-tips-double-negatives

…Abby had no choice but to start the party with the few and the proud.

Beginning with the solo assignments.

This week, the gang (…hopefully…) would be headed to New York Dance Experience in San Jose, where all the dances were going to be dark and ominous, including 3 solos based on famous deaths.  Like Brynn’s Black Dahlia routine, for example, which kinda sorta freaked her out once Gianna arrived and pulled up some bloody photos from her Instagram feed.

Time to dial down the Cute?  As if.

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As Gia and Brynn got down to rehearsing, the other Moms finally showed up.

In.  Their.  Pajamas.

You heard me.  Pajamas.

And they made this big grand entrance from the parking lot trying to be all like…

giphyAnd…

tumblr_lvz3yupeoi1qg3qx4But it was really more like…yo.  Sup?

pj1Gah.  I love this show.

The Goal:  To show how the Moms were sick and tired of Abby arriving late, eating and slobbing her way around the studio with no apparent sense of urgency or desire or ambition.  Four can play this game, thank you.

The Result:  A prank that may have backfired.  Mom Strike 2.0, as it were.

The whole thing escalated quickly, with my MomCrush Jill, who had all this going on for some reason…

tumblr_ml86y3IEQa1rdzuduo1_400…blaming Ashlee for not giving the ok for the girls to start dancing before they arrived.

She knew they woulda shoulda coulda danced, so she shoulda coulda woulda blah blah blah.  Swear.  Swear.  Bitch.  Pillow Fight.

Worst.  Sleepover.  Ever.

Honestly, it might be time to revisit the name tags suggestion again, because I don’t even know who is in charge of whose kid anymore.  Especially if they’re gonna start bringing back all those Minis they showed in the new preview.

But Ashlee hadn’t been told about the prank in advance, so she didn’t realize that she was the designated babysitter.  So she didn’t do anything.  At all.  Which escalated the whole thing to a whole other level.

Side note:  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week.  A lot.

hSometimes it was even done really close up for dramatic effect.

hfAnd look at Jessalynn‘s hair.  She legit just got out of bed.

pj3I heart these Moms too much.

And Melissa, too.  Look at her trying to pass off that DKNY blouse as pajamas.

melNice try.  I saw her wearing the same thing out to dinner last week with a chunky necklace.

Anyway.

Before the sun set, they figured they should probably get to the Pyramid of Shame.

But at warp speed, because this whole pajama party thing had really cut into their productivity today.

Bottom Row:  Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Mackenzie.  Done.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, which left Maddie on the top.  And she was totally ok with that.  Did you hear her?  Hilarious.

m

The second solo of the week would be Maddie’s ‘Lizzie Borden’ chopfest, which got her all excited for some reason.  And the third dance went to Kendall, who would (…allegedly or not…) get thrown overboard as ‘Natalie Wood.’

Side note:  Did I miss the Hair Braid Memo this week?

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Because Brynn had scored a few extra hours of private choreography, Jill was already on edge and immediately assumed that her daughter would get sub-par choreography, costuming, music, lighting, makeup, attention, salary and dental benefits simply because she carried Vertes DNA in her system.

Needless to say, Abby accused her of playing the Victim.  Just like…umm, I dunno…maybe a tall blonde she used to know but wouldn’t refer to by name.

Wait.  What?

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We love that tall lady.  And miss her so much.

Come visit, why don’t you?  There’s always plenty of parking in the front of the building.

And bring your friend there.  I bet she’d love me and my Dance Moms cocktails.

tumblr_mcd55woemI1ql5yr7o1_400Or not, maybe.

This week’s group routine would be equally as dark and ominous as the solos and was going to require the girls perform a cult-themed dance.

A Cult?

tumblr_inline_nyuts4lOfi1t4mrav_500Drink the Kool-Aid, kids.

Let’s Be Real Dept.:  I don’t think this thing is gonna be much of a stretch for anybody.

You know it.  They know it.  And they even said it out loud.

Putting the Cult in ALD…C.

The next day, everyone managed to get themselves dressed like big girls and headed back to the studio for some more bickering.  Holly still had the same #HollyFace, but in nicer clothes.

Mama didn’t fall for that pajama thing yesterday and she wasn’t falling for it today.

Jill and Ashlee went another 17 rounds, but all that really mattered was that Jill took out those freakin’ Pippi Longstocking braids and the she promises to never do that again.

Ever.  And I mean it.

Truth:  That’s not the finger she wants to give me right now, BTW.

jf

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to climb down into the bowels of whatever building was hosting this shindig, because somebody forgot to get proper permits for the elevators and it was staircase-only today, people.  Watch your step, please.

0b492314fe7203cc3739c9d0a0bc360597c7b214

Full disclosure:  There were no sharks in the stairway, but watching the Moms lug all their dance shizzz down 27 flights in heels was almost as treacherous and funny.

Needless to say, Abby Lee Miller doesn’t do stairs, so she sat in the lobby playing Candy Crush for most of the remainder of the episode.  F’real.

Which meant that all those poor Moms had to schlep everything down the stairs and then send their kids back up and down again about 100 times to double check their makeup and moves with Abby throughout the competition.

Like Brynn’s makeup, for instance.  Holy Whoa, Batman.

bdgiphy-1And Maddie’s.

axetumblr_mz5jexLtkR1t0demio1_500And KK, of course.kn1tumblr_noh2foZRLD1r8jjn6o1_500You get the idea.

The girls were ready to go.

But can we talk about all this goodness for a minute?

hqdefaulttumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Because Rachelle “Sas” Rak was back on the stage, hosting this whole hot mess!

I know you remember Rachelle from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

She was the judge on AUDC who wouldn’t sit still in her chair and kept jumping up on the table, telling all these 9 year old girls to bite the apple and never go on a Six Flags waterslide without pretending you’re the lead in Flashdance.

We LOVE Rachelle.

And remember how Richy Jackson used to always be like ‘Gurl Pleez, Sit Yo’ A** Down.’

Abbys-Ultimate-Dance-Competition-Richy-whatThose were good times.

And now she was back, because NYDE is the competition where you get your critiques LIVE on stage and get to stand next to Rachelle Rak while she shimmys and bites stuff. mrYes, please.

Brynn’s solo was great.  The judges just told her to work on her acting.

I swear Kendall wore the same leotard that Maddie wore last week, but I could be wrong.

Regardless, she did great, but got called out for her acting chops again.  Tell the story!

And Maddie got a hug from Rachelle.  So there was that.

mcl

Backstage before the group routine, it became clear that Mackenzie didn’t know what a Cult was, even though she’s technically been in one since the day she was born.

I guess that’s how they get ya.  Straight outta the womb and into the studio.

And in all honesty, she just wanted something to wash down all those chips.  I love how she is growing up into this pretty young lady but still maintaining that blissful innocence.

You keep that, Boo.  You just keep that.

The group routine was off the chain.  The makeup was on point (…especially Nia Sioux for some reason…) and they nailed the choreography, which is probably why that one judge was all like ‘Whhhhaaaa was that?’ before giving them First Place in the group category.

No lie.  Her little Asia Monet Ray bun almost popped right off her damn head.

jgBrynn and Kendall ended up both taking Second Place in their respective age categories, even though Ashlee was quick to point out that the actual numerical sumthin sumthin whatevah was higher on Brynn’s card.

Gah.  Relax, lady.  Just let them enjoy the moment.

And of course, Maddie took First Place.  Because she’s Maddie.  And she’s back.

And then it was pretty much over for the week, except for a sudden rip in the Time Space Continuum that shot everyone into some odd Alternate Reality where all the Moms got along and liked each other and Ashlee burst into the lobby with Kool-Aid for everyone.

kool-aid-oJust like that.

Because that’s not creepy at all.

And then it was really over, I swear.

A toast to the ALDC!

Drink it up, kids.  Drink it all up.

There’s plenty more where that came from, don’t you worry.

Cheers.st

Dance Moms: When Duet Drama Hits The ALDC, You Know It’s Nia To The Rescue. Here I Come To Save The Day!

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016

mzg

 

 

Let’s be real. This stupid blog is good because of me and my kids, ok? Good luck next year, fool.

 

 

ha1

 

 

I’m just saying your mouth is full and my crackers are gone. It doesn’t take a PhD to figure it out, girl.

 

 

j

 

 

LaDuca? Umm…Wait. I know this. Gimme a minute. LaDuca. Can you use it in a sentence?

 

 

tumblr_o3e17yTNH31tb8iyko2_500

 

 

 

Siri: Call one of my lawyers, cuz if I see one more bra photo or bad hair gif on this blog, I swear…

 

js1

 

 

 

I know, right? She pays good money for someone to make her hair look like that. I just can’t.

 

 

desk2

 

 

I should probably shred this since that guy from TMZ is still going through the dumpster out back.

 

 

rash

 

 

See that one right there? That one’s gonna give me a heart attack or rash before it’s all over.

 

 

 

And….

Action!

Living On The Dance Fl—14259516atumblr_ma0jag4WYp1rdq2opo1_500a1

I swear.

That’s how fast they got the Dance Moms party started this week.

I think the screaming may have actually begun before the credits even finished rolling.

As some Mystery Stylist wearing one of those pricey Lululemon yoga tops with the little holes in the sleeves for your thumbs worked on tangling up Abby Lee Miller‘s hair just a little more, the shizz was already hitting the fan within the first 5 seconds of this week’s episode.  Something was going down between Miss Abby and a nameless office assistant and it wasn’t pretty.

Pretty Loud?  Yes.  Pretty?  No.

Abby was screaming and trying to keep the producers out of that backroom/dorm room whateverthatis living space while they stood off-camera, getting subtitled like a drug bust was going down and refusing to budge.  She screamed.  They tried to stand their ground.

She screamed some more.  They stood their ground some more.

Side note:  When your subtitles end in exclamation points, than you know somebody means business.  We’re not leaving!!!!!  We’re not doing it!!!!!  Nope!!!!!

I don’t know if that assistant got fired or quit or what, but she tore outta Dodge like the building was on fire, pushing her way through a whole bunch of people who got busted on national television for doing nothing but standing around looking at each other and holding blue First Day of School Trapper Keepers.

Do they even sell those anymore or did I just make myself sound really old?  Because proper organization is key to a successful school year, kids.  FYI.

Regardless,  the assistant took off like a missile was aimed at her blurred-out head.

And like any good military maneuver…No Starbucks Left Behind.

aldcla

Did she just steal a pen on her way out or is that her phone?

When all the dust settled, Abby finally made it into the studio, where all the Moms and kids were patiently waiting on the Pyramid of Shame.

Fashion note:  After last week’s successful Dark Denim Day, the Moms had smoothly transitioned into Black And Grey Day, inspired by my MomCrush Jill‘s superhero cape and her Storm from the X-Men leather thigh highs.  Bow Chicka Vertes, right?

a2 You go, Jill.

Storm-70s-X-MenAnd don’t read anything creepy into this, but I would totally buy a Jill Vertes Action Hero Figure and display it proudly on my bookcase next to my Dr. Holly Doll with the interchangeable HollyFaces…which you can totally buy already but I’m not telling you where because I don’t want you to have one.

Side note:  No lie.  One time someone actually Googled “Dance Moms True Facts” and found this blog.  How is that even possible?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Needless to say, as soon as Ashlee found out that Abby’s assistant had taken her Starbucks and pen and hit the road, she immediately offered to help cover her hours at the front desk.  Which is actually a back desk now, I think.

Which segued nicely into an accusation that Melissa had butt kissed her way into Abby’s good graces over the last 6 seasons, which in turn made Melissa do this…

Wait.  What?

m1And then this and this…

mmmI’d buy a Melissa Doll, too.

Ebay Spoiler Alert:  The price will probably escalate quickly on the secondary market after the Zieglers leave the show, so you might wanna scoop up a couple asap.  It will probably be a Limited Edition 3 pack and come with a bonus puppy that has a bow on its head.

After making it clear she had never kissed Abby’s butt…evah…the producers ran a 42 minute investigative #MelissaMontage that would have made CNN proud.

#ShadyBoots.  I see what you did there.

Look.  It’s the Original Recipe Abby.

desk

What ever happened to that poor office girl?  You think she’s still in therapy?

And look at Kelly and Christi.  We love them.

fb

We should have a Caption Contest for Christi’s face to win a dance bag full of Lifetime swag, even though I think we all know exactly what she was thinking right there.

Anyway.  The Pyramid.

Bottom Row:  Brynn, Kendall, Kalani

…and Maddie.giphy copyI know.

Middle Row:  Nia Sioux and JoJo.

Which left Mackenzie on the Top!!!  Exclamation points.  Three of them.

This week, the gang was staying local and hitting up the Fierce Dance Competition just down the road.  The group routine was going to be a ‘Bitter Sweet Charity’ homage to Bob Fosse (…who Abby 😍 looooves 😍…) that required the girls learn more mature choreography…and do it in heels.

Dat’s rite.  Just like the Big Girls.  Finally.

RIP:  Mouse and Bumble Bee costumes.  It was fun while it lasted.

Kendall and Kalani scored a ‘Grifters’ con-artist inspired duet, while Maddie and Brynn would perform the second duet of the week, ‘Together As One.’  I think you’ve already figured out how this thing’s gonna play out.

As the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms all hit the bleachers and dished about Kira wanting to stay home and feed her new baby instead of being in LA putting ice packs on her daughter’s aching back.

khPoor Kalani.  Her back was KILLing her.

They also squeezed in some snark about Ashlee’s 10000% focus on Brynn’s career, making it sound as though she had left her two other sons back home with just a bowl of food on the kitchen floor like you do with your cat when you go on vacation.  But that’s not true.  And the two sons actually turned out to be a boy AND a girl, so there was a lot of misinformation going around town the last few weeks.

Melissa had just recently found out that the two boys were not actually two boys, but I’ll give Ashlee the benefit of the doubt and assume she already knew she had another daughter since they were really pig piling up on her at the end.

Not gonna lie.  It got a little uncomfortable when they started arguing about on-probation Brynn getting more opportunities than on-the-team Nia, because the whole world already knows I’m #TeamNia.  Or #NiaNation.  Or whatever the kids are calling it today.

Let’s be real.  I love her as much as I love hashtags that make no grammatical sense.

Haters:  Yeah.  #WhatSheSaid.tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500The next day, we found out that Ashlee had stayed late at the studio and woven the fabric for the girls’ costumes from cotton that she and her two non-sons grew in their backyard or something.  I dunno.  She never really said exactly what it was that she accomplished during her overnight shift, but it did give Jill the opportunity to offer up a power point presentation on LaDuca Dance Shoes, which are pretty well known in the Dance World.

LaDuca.  The Rolls Royce of Magic Dance Shoes.

giphy-1Clearly, dancing in heels for the first time is a way bigger deal for dancers than it is for us non-dancers, even though I do recall wiping out a few times on my platform shoes at the Ground Round.  But that was because they used to let you throw peanut shells on the floor, thank you, not because I didn’t know how to lace up my my my my my boogie shoes.

Google it, kids.  KC & The Sunshine Band.  I don’t have the time or the energy.

LaDuca.  A soft soled, high heeled dance shoe.

shoe

LaDuca.  Because young ladies don’t dance in bare feet.  That’s just nasty.

LaDuca.  I’m pretty sure Jill even spelled it out at the end like this kid.

iridocyclytis-spelling-bee-vine-animatedLaDuca.

tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500I love Jill.  There.  I own it.

As Kalani and Kendall rehearsed their duet, it was clear that Kalani’s sore back was not going to miraculously cure itself before the weekend’s competition.  Which couldn’t have had anything to do with choreography that required Kendall to body slam her partner into the ground multiple times and then roll over her like she was laying down hot tar.

No.  Not at all.

Long story short:  Melissa’s legal guardianship-ness (…if that’s even a word…) kicked in and she reached out to Kira for the final decision on whether Kalani should risk paralysis or try to snatch that First Place trophy before both legs went numb.

Needless to say, Kira shut that thang down.  Which left Kendall awkwardly trying to do a duet that looked remarkably like a solo for now.

Side note:  Somewhere in all this mess, the Moms decided to take a walk and go film an Old Navy commercial.  Srsly.  I’m not even joking.

Dance Moms:

oldn

Old Navy Commercial:

maxresdefault-2If you can tell me which is which, I’ll give you that swag bag AND an action figure.

The walk also gave Ashlee some alone time with Rashlee, which is my new name for Abby.  Did you see her face?  Gross.

dtI mean, besides the fact that she looked exactly like Donald Trump, Abby was also suffering from some kind of viral sumthin sumthin that made me wish we could all go back to standard def television for a few weeks.

Am I lying?  Is that not the same face?

trump_mug

Look again.  And I don’t even have Photoshop on my computer.

dtAmerica.

But what about that duet?

83467489_350x350Yaaaay!!!  Nia and her sassy cheekbones to the rescue!

niaWith less than 24 hours to go, The Artist Formerly Known As Sasha Nia took on the challenge and immediately got to work trying to sync up with Kendall while the rest of the team looked on.  Stressful, to say the least.  High hopes?   Well…

Finally, it was Showtime!

One:  Did that sign say “FREE Snacks” on the window?  Yes, please.  No wonder they go to these things every weekend.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Two:  Abby.

mess What the what?

She walked in like…

tumblr_o3e17yTNH31tb8iyko1_500

…and everyone was all like…

fay-wray-king-kong-1933mlthe-tingler-1-1

I know you’re not supposed to apply makeup if your skin is irritated, but I’m pretty sure it’s still ok to try and get a comb through it, ma’am.  There’s kids in the room, fercryinoutloud.

Jill and Ashlee went another round or ten before the competition started, but I was so traumatized by the whole #AbbyHair thing that I forget what they were arguing about.  I could make it up, I suppose, but that’s really not my style.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

Anyway.

Showtime.

Once again, we wasted so much time with the goofy stuff that there’s barely room for the actual performances.  You know how we do.

Nia and Kalani did as well as could be expected with no rehearsal time and enough pressure to turn a lump of coal into diamond studs.  Even though they only had a few flubs, Kalani was embarrassed, Nia cried and everyone argued about who let who down, even though nobody let anybody down.

I let you down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down Infinity.

Thankfully, they hugged it out before this thing turned into a 2 hour episode.

Side note:  I heart Holly so much when she makes everything all better.

Maddie and Brynn also had their share of on-stage bloopers when their music cut off.

Again?  Are you kidding me?

mkvI guess all the money these places are losing by handing out free food every week cuts into the maintenance of their technical equipment, because the sound sure cuts out a lot on this show.  Or maybe it’s just me.

Side note:  I like the way Maddie ended the dance by pretending to bite Brynn in the neck and open up that artery that goes straight to her brain.

Check it out.  Brynn’s all like WTF?  We didn’t rehearse this part.

tumblr_o3e1g8X80A1tb8iyko2_500There’s only one Maddie, mmmkay?  Don’t make her Mom say it again.

Backstage, even Kendall got a little mouthy and accused Donald Trump of setting her and Nia up to fail in their duet.  Oh, snap.  Then everyone piled on Abby again for a couple of minutes before the group number hit the stage.

hr

Which.  Was.  Awesome.  Sauce.

Bob Fosse would be proud.  They looked so grown-up and I felt so old.  It was awesome.

Kendall and Nia still eeeked out a Second Place spot, despite the goobers, which left room in the First Place slot for Maddie and Brynn.

And the ALDC group routine?  First time on heels calls for a First Place trophy!

Back in the makeup room, it all went down again one last time before the closing credits.

In this corner:  Ashlee vs. anyone who would listen.

Don’t talk about my kid.  Don’t talk about MY kid.  I’m not talking about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.  Over and over and over.

And over.

Until Melissa broke the fourth wall (…that’s TV Talk, BTW…it’s kinda my thing…) by declaring that “This show is good because of me and my kids, ok?  So just saying…”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Not the fourth wall!

Exclamation point.

tumblr_inline_nozz7yRyyC1seyqdu_500This can’t be good.

And now she’s done?  Because that’s what she said before she left the room.

Just like that, Melissa was gone.

And it was over.  For now.

Uh oh.

To be continued…

jj


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