Posts Tagged ‘Lifetime TV’

Bring It!: The Road To Summer Slam Starts Now. And It’s A Whole New Doll Game When Dianna Goes Bollywood.

Saturday, August 1st, 2015

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#ShadyBoots

 

 

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Imma ’bout to wrap one of these around each of your Mama’s mouths if they don’t shut up. Tell me if you can breath.

 

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I don’t remember if it was APAC, TUPAC or AFLAC. But all I really know is it’s definitely their loss.

 

 

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I don’t know what channel we’re all watching, but that weather girl looks just like my baby.

 

 

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#NoWords

 

 

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Lawd, geezis. And I thought her other set of twins was impressive. Hooty Hoo Times Two.

 

 

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I’m right to here with all these Shakira weaves this week. I’m not playing.

 

 

 

Wham.  Bam.

Summer Slam.

Lawd, have mercy.  It’s only the first weekend of August and it’s already toastier than a giant bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos out there.  The crunchy ones.  And don’t even get me started on the humidity, cuz I swear my new hair started to frizz before I made it out the front door this morning.  It’s a scorcher.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any Buckin’ hotter…Bring It! has returned.

You heard me.  Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls are back, yo!

tumblr_inline_mxh5jtcWSX1rh6cpuIt’s the Summer Competition Season and all your favorite DDs and BDDs and DDPs are back in the Dollhouse Dance Factory to heat things up once again on the Road to the Summer Slam Championship.

Which is pretty exciting…and yet bittersweet…because when the temperature finally drops and the Back to School sales kick in, two Dolls will have to say goodbye to the team for good as Sunjai and Kayla graduate and head off into the Jackson sunset to pursue their dreams of dancing and performing and being awesome.

But let’s not get all emotional just yet.  It’s only August.  There’s still time to blubber later on when it’s not so hot.  For now, the gang’s still together.  And that’s all that matters.

The last time we saw Miss D and the Dolls was at The Battle Royale where, unfortunately, Traci Young-Byron and her snatched body somehow managed to also snatch the First Place trophy right off the judges table.  YCDT Supastarz for the Win.

Needless to say, Dianna was not about to let that piece of history repeat itself as she began prepping for the 3 month summer season.  She needed her girls to stay hungry.

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Dianna-ism:  (A new sub-category created to highlight random pearls of wisdom that fall out of Miss D’s mouth each week.)  Stay Hungry.  That’s why her a** is fat.  Cuz she’s always hungry.  Preaching to the choir, girlfriend.  You gonna finish that bag or nah?

And can we talk about them Mamas?  Gurl, pleez.

E’rrybody was back on the sidewalk, doing what they do best.  Crazy as ever, they were still snooping around the front windows and talking so loud you could hear them straight through two panes of double-thick security glass.  And looking pretty fly with a new coat of paint and fresh weave, I gotta say.

Dat’s rite.  Every one of ’em got a tune-up over the summer.

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Tina got a new weave!

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oprahyouandyouandyoulegoRittany got a new weave!

rittoprahyouandyouandyoulegoMimi got a new weave!

m4oprahyouandyouandyoulegoSeloncé got a new weave!

soprahyouandyouandyoulegoTawantza got a new weave!

taEVERYBODY GOT A NEW WEAVE!

d376ed1e317077635a974aec3882f562It was awesome.

By the time they hit those confessional shots all airbrushed up with vaseline on the camera lens and that silver highlighter stuff in the corner of their eyeballs…Dang.

DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval.

Side note:  Don’t be judging.  Just because I’m a little white boy who wore bow ties on Class Picture Day doesn’t mean I don’t know a good Brazilian Bundle when I see one or can’t appreciate edges that are laid to the Gawds, mmmkay?

And I know you didn’t think I even knew what that meant.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaBut the Mamas weren’t the only things getting an upgrade this week.

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Dianna had cleaned out her storage closet (…apparently just moving all the crap to directly behind her desk from what I could tell…you see that pile o’ stuff back there?…) and turned the empty backroom into a MamaLounge straight out of the second floor of IKEA.  No more sidewalk!  You got chairs, ladies.

And it even came with a wide screen plasma and closed circuit TV camera just like the one at the 24 hour Sunoco gas station that’s so warped and blurry you can never tell who’s holding the gun during a stick-up.  But it’s the thought that counts, right?

This season, there were lots of other changes that were being rolled out as well.

Kayla had been promoted to Assistant Director of the Dolls!  No more Captain position for her, which meant that her old job was wide open.

Side note:  Excuse me.  Hold up.  How HAWT did Miss Kayla look in those confessionals with her new makeup?  Look at her.  Right now.

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Her face was BEAT.

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Which is a good thing, BTW.  I know that one, too.

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Kayla’s open spot was going to stay that way for a while, because each week there was now going to be a Dance-Off (…Lifetime Television loves those things…just ask anyone on Dance Moms…) to determine who would lead the Stand Battle at each competition.

When the Dolls finally made it to the Summer Slam, Dianna would then pick the Captain for the following season.  So many rules.  Especially if you’re Camryn or Chrystianna, who both really want the position.

This week, the gang was headed to the Leave It On The Dance Floor Competition in Canton, where they would face off against their rivals the Divas Of Olive Branch, the Prancing Steperettes, the Xplosive Dance Company Of Dallas and the Girls Who Hog Two Seats On The Bus With Their Knock-Off Louis Bags And Pretend They Don’t See You Trying To Sit Down Next To Them While They’re Creeping Ex-Boyfriends On Instagram.

Divas Of Olive Branch.  Neva McGruder.  ‘Nuff said.

For the Creative Dance Category, Dianna had chosen a Dollywood theme which, thankfully, turned out to be a Dancing Dolls twist on the whole Bollywood thang and not a tribute to the Log Slide at Dolly Parton’s Theme Park.  Clearly a relief to a studio full of young ladies who don’t like to get their hair wet.

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As the girls began working on their choreography, we scooted down to Dallas to check in on the Xplosive Dance Company and their Director Charkeitha Frazier.

Despite the fact that the moniker ‘Charkeitha’ comes straight out of the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine (…“Outfit of Choice: Chaaaaaaarkeithaaaaaaa”…) I really liked Ms. Frazier and her cowboy/cowgirl ways.

Especially when she had one girl climb on top of a bunch of other girls who were wearing a leather saddle in human-horse formation and told the poor little thing on top to…

“Ride it, Girl!  Ride like we really Bringin’ It!”

Disclaimer:  Since I’m still not really sure the age spread on my blog’s demographics, I’m just going to leave this graphic here and move on.

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Back at the Dollhouse, Camryn and Chrystianna went head to head in the first official Captain’s Dance-Off of the season.  They both werked it and twerked it, but Kayla and Miss D felt that Camryn didn’t have the hunger this week and gave the first Captain’s position to quiet little Chrystianna.

Side note:  Was it really necessary to subtitle “Mimi’s Car” at the bottom of the screen as Mimi and Camryn drove home after the Dance-Off?  Hilarious.  I mean…who else’s car would it be?  Mimi was driving it and Camryn was sitting in it.  And I’m pretty sure that my girl Mimi has never carjacked anyone before…so…really?

Granted, it was filmed on a TrackPhone with the same grainy visuals you always see on COPS when they bust somebody for taking drugs across state lines, so I suppose someone who had never seen the show before might possibly think that Mimi stole the car from in front of the Dollhouse.  But…really?  She had her seat belt on and everything.

Trust me.  Mimi will put warm cookies in your trunk when you’re not looking, but she ain’t stealing yo’ car even if the keys are in it.  So chill.

And the filming was so dark you could barely make out where Mimi had taken a straight razor to the ‘I ♥ APAC Performing Arts School’ sticker on the rear bumper.  You know somebody’s still kicking themselves in the a** down at the Admissions Office over that one.  Suckahs.

ccFinally, it was Showtime!  And Arch Nemesis Neva McGruder Time…

nn…and whoever that little man is who follows Neva everywhere mimicking all her moves.

Q.  Did Neva’s bus bounce up and down when she was dancing in the aisle?  Please tell me you saw that, cuz if the van’s a rockin’…

And then Seloncé showed up at the auditorium in a full-on belly dancer costume, because why not.  I swear she did.  And she was all like Oh, heeeeey

tumblr_mqs4o3icUk1qe3pm6o1_500And Mimi was all like…

mAnd it made me love Seloncé even more, if that is possible.  Because that bitch is KRAZEE.  But again…it’s the good kind.  With a ‘K.’  And two ‘EEs.’

Right before the competition began, Neva and Dianna had a brief Mean Girls Moment in front of the lockers.  The usual.  No biggie.  Neva wanted a hug, which Miss D politely passed on and then the little man followed Neva back down the hall and it was over.

Miss D thinks Neva is a NutWad.

dnCreative Dance was first up once the show started.

That same emcee was there again, but he was wearing a different bow tie/pocket square combo this time.  I still can’t believe there’s only one Hip Hop Majorette Emcee in the whole state of Mississippi, but more power to him.  Talk about job security.  Dude has it locked down tighter than some of them sloppy braids in the front row.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaThe Divas Of Olive Branch did some random flag, trampoline sumthin sumthin that Seloncé felt would be better suited for the Superbowl Halftime Show.  Keep in mind that she was still dressed as Barbara Eden and take that for what it’s worth.

We love Seloncé.  And Mimi.  And Tina.  And Rittany.  And Miss D.  And Cheetos.

The Xplosive Dance Company was up next with a gigantic cardboard army tank that reminded me of my high school musical days.  Except that we had a cardboard H.M.S. Pinafore floating across the stage vs. a tank that unleashed a million Xplosive Babies in camouflage.

So that didn’t really come out the way I intended it to sound, but their dance incorporated Charkeitha’s version of Baby Dancing Dolls.  And you know how much I love them BDDs.

Especially Taelar.  Hey, Boo.

giphy-6And last but not least, the Dancing Dolls hit the floor with their Dollywood routine and the crowd went crazy.

The costumes were elaborate and the moves were solid.  At some point the girls even removed all their veils and tossed them aside while Dianna ran around snatching them up like it was a Michael Kors Sample Sale or something.  You see that?

Miss D is my Spirit Animal.

Especially when I’m at the mall.

Side note:  Right about here was when they ran a long commercial for the new movie Ricki and the Flash and someone wrote on Twitter that “Maryland Streep is my favorite white person to watch sing” and I had to walk away from my iPad to take a shot.

In my mouth.  And in my arm.

Maryland.  Like the State of.  Watch me sing.

Sometime I love the internet so much it hurts.

Dolls vs. Xplosives:  Once I regrouped from that tweet, it was time to see who would be in the last round against the Divas Of Olive Branch.  Dolls for the Win.

kcDolls vs. Divas:  Both teams brought it in the final Battle.  And Chrystianna was on fi-yah.

It’s always those quiet ones you gotta look out for, you know.  For her first time evah as Captain, she nailed it.  Just like I know Camryn will when it’s her turn.  They’re both rockstars.

The Results:  The Dancing Dolls took First Place in both Creative Dance and Stand Battle.

Yaaaaas!  That’s what I call a great start to a summer season.

Everybody was excited and happy.  Rittany was over the moon with her baby’s first job as Captain.  Dianna was really impressed.  Camryn supported her BFF like any true BFF would.  But you just wait until next time.

Hear that tummy rumble?  I think Camryn’s getting hungry.

Oh, yeah.  Bring It! is back.  But it’s over for this week.

Go home, Seloncé.

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Bring It!: Miami And Divas And Dolls, Oh My! And Don’t Forget The Purple Diamonds…Cuz It’s The Battle Royale!

Saturday, May 2nd, 2015

 

 

Gurrrrl, Imma gon’ need your glasses cuz I swear that’s the lady who just had four babies.

 

 

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Double Ds. Get it?

 

 

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I buzz the fade and y’all complaining about my boobs and shoes now? Srsly? Point yo’ toes.

 

 

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Santa must’ve got your letter…cuz Booty Pop Barbie ’bout to come out the damn box, Bitch.

 

 

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Guess I can check “Dance Mom doing a somersault into a Nicki Minaj Split” off my Bucket List now.

 

 

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Dang, that is some fine British meat on that boy. And you know how Mama does love her BBQ.

 

 

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This damn dress looked hella more comfortable in the X-Men movie. How much more time?

 

 

 

With apologies to Lorde, of course.

“And we wanna win Royale (Royale)

It don’t run without Stand,

That Second Place just ain’t for us.

We crave a different kind of Buck.”

All aboard the Bring It! National A** Kicking Tour Bus for one last trip.

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It’s time to pat your weaves and pack your caps, kidz.  And don’t forget your Big Girl Drawers…you’re definitely gonna need those once the party starts.

Because it’s The Battle Royale.  And it’s on.

You heard me.  The season-ending mutha of all Hip Hop Majorette competitions just went down and Dianna Williams and her team were working and twerking their A-Game as they got ready to face off against their biggest rivals one last time.

The Divas of Olive Branch.  The Purple Diamonds.  And the YCDT Supastarz.

All the Dancing Dolls‘ most infamous arch enemies were back and conspiring against Miss D and her faithful sidekicks in one final battle of Good (Dancing) vs. Bad (Dancing.)

Like on the old Batman tv show when colorful villains would sit around in their colorful costumes in colorful clubhouses and plot revenge against our heroes.

A lot like that, actually.

There was even a master of disguise trying to trick us with a completely new hairstyle and one feline arch nemesis wearing a painted-on latex body suit eleven days after giving birth.  But no Utility Belt Shark Repellant anywhere.  Which was unfortunate since at least one coach could have used a squirt or two right in the eye for throwing shade every time she opened her mouth.  Because she IS the Diva, you know.

Na na na na na na na na Neva!

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With only a few days to go before the Battle Royale (… ‘BR’  from here on out because I’m already getting lazy…) Dianna and her team got right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled.  This competition was Big.  Really Big.

So big that Dianna even momentarily deactivated the DDP Electric fence that normally prevents any of the Mamas from making it inside the building during routine practices.

You heard me.  Do not adjust your set, because there’s nothing wrong with the picture.

There were actual Mamas inside the Dollhouse Dance Factory.  Inside.

Like…not outside.

And they were invited?  That’s just crazy.

Dianna wanted the Mamas to hear all the deets on the upcoming competition firsthand before frostbite set in, so she broke her own rule and let the Mamas have some heat.

I say it all the time.  I’ll never understand how Jackson weather can go from summer to winter and then back again in the same episode.  But it always does.

And the other thing I say every week:  How much do we love these Mamas?

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Mimi was bundled up like a cold squishy little marshmallow.  Hooty Hooty Hoo It’s Cold Out Der.  My girl Tina was rocking some kind of beanie/scarf/turban thing that I swear one of the more obscure smaller international teams wore during the Opening Ceremonies at last year’s Sochi Winter Olympics.  Seloncé appeared to have just returned from a ski vacation in Aspen with Cher.  Rittany must have been working again, since she was MIA.

And Tawantza had way too much of a smoky eye going on for that early in the evening.

Love.

After covering the basics, Miss D revealed the two biggest takeaways for the week:

One.  There were going to be celebrity judges at the BR.  Famous people!

Spoiler Alert:  It wasn’t a Destiny’s Child reunion.  But still…celebrities.

And Two.  Some lucky Dancing Doll was going to be awarded a full 4 year scholarship to DeSales University, complete with room and board, at an upcoming scholarship audition.

A free ride to the dance degree of their dreams?  Yes, please.

Which was huge.  A full scholarship could not only change the entire path of somebody’s life, but also free up enough of Camryn‘s savings account to allow her the opportunity to buy Mama an inhaler, since Mimi just ’bout got the vapors when she heard the news.

Since this was the Ultimate Competition, it called for the Ultimate Secret Weapon(s).

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Plural.

Say it with me:  Mimi and Tina were going to be dancing in the Stand Battle.

Mimi.  And Tina.  Dancing.  Lawd, now what’d I do with my inhaler?

Just thinking about it was almost too much for me, because I still haven’t completely recovered from this yet.

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Or this.

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And definitely not this.  Not even close on this one.

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Needless to say, I got myself a little worked up.

And a little aggravated that this show is STILL only one hour long.  What’s it gonna take, people?

As everyone tried to process the awesomeness that was now guaranteed to soon come our way, there was just enough time to scoot out of town and check in on the competition.

Down in Miami, Traci Young-Byron and her YCDT Supastarz were still smack talking the Dolls every chance they got.  Traci had weed-whacked her signature pencil eraser fade and was now rocking some asymmetrically challenged side shaved weave that always looked like it was on crooked.

(Relax…that was a joke.  I know that’s how it’s supposed to fit, but every once in awhile it still looked like the tag was in the front.)

But it was sassy.  And I really liked the color.  And it totally complimented her sparkly, sequined camo track suit.  Which, when you think about it, pretty much defeated the whole purpose of dressing in camo.

I have no doubt that Traci could gut a deer in record time, but I’m thinking she probably doesn’t actually do much hunting.

Side note:  I loooove the fact that Traci has her face embroidered on every jacket.  And the fact that at least one person is still not going to realize I’m kidding about her sideways hair and send me hate mail anyway.  I’ll be patiently awaiting your beat down.  Just use spellcheck, please.

Don’t get me wrong.  I really like Traci, even though the thirst is still real.  Girlfriend definitely likes her camera time, but last week when she swallowed her pride (…and the rest of her gummy worms…) and gave the Dolls props in their battle against the Purple Diamonds, she started to grow on me.

And speaking of things growing.  How about that tiny tube top she was wearing?

Put those things away before someone gets hurt, honey.  There’s kids in the car.

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Next up was a quick drive-by past the Purple Diamonds studio, where Coach Shanika Lee was showing off her post-baby body again.  For someone who went almost two full years before finally giving birth, this lady was looking just fine.  And I’m sure it was nice to deliver a baby that was already potty trained.  Congratulations, again.

And finally, we took it to church.  The Church of Neva the Diva.

Oh, Neva.  You crazy.

I swear.  That woman.  Half the time I don’t know if she’s preaching or bringing in aircraft.  Arms going.  Hair going.  Feet going.  Booty kinda sorta going.

Spoiler Alert:  When Neva and the Divas entered the venue for the BR, they came in so loud and proud, clanking things together and yelling in unison that I thought it was somebody’s birthday at a Mexican restaurant.  Am I right?

Bonus Points were immediately given to whoever that little minion guy is who always follows Neva around.  He was really into it this week.  Really.

Especially during the birthday party part.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Well, actually, the DeSales University Scholarship Auditions were next, where Camryn, Crystianna, Kayla and Sunjai cranked it out on stage for John and Tim from DU in a Glee meets American Idol Hollywood Week kind of thing.

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One.  The Mamas (…and Baby Daddy JJ, who didn’t get nearly enough screen time, mmmkay?…) give THE best pre-game pep talks.  I love the MamaLove and DaddyLove portions of each episode.  They’re the meat and potatoes of the Bring It! Meal.

Two.  Crystianna and Kayla both scored $20,000 scholarships.  Everyone freaked.

Three.  Camryn and Sunjai both scored FULL 4 year scholarships and Mimi cried like a baby.  And maybe I did a little when nobody was looking.  Or maybe it was just allergies.

Yeah.  It was probably allergies.

#SuckItAPAC

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Shanika showed up wearing an animal print blazer from the Wilma Flintstone/Jersey Shore couture line and not much else.  Again…buh bye, baby fat.

Traci had a bleeped-out motivational moment with her girls on the bus before heading into the auditorium.  Sometimes when I watch Traci I swear I’m watching a Saturday Night Live skit.  Or I should be anyway, because she’s a made-for-tv hoot who could totally bring ratings up and give the network censor guy some serious job security.

Neva and the Divas did that Mexican Birthday thing I told you about earlier.  Please tell me you saw the crowd at the bottom of the stairs looking all like WTF? as the Olive Branch waitresses headed upstairs with the cake.

Oh, Neva.  You still crazy.

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Side note:  If I had known that there was only one emcee in the entire hip hop majorette network, I probably would have sent Lifetime my LinkedIn url, because that same dude was back again hosting the Battle Royale.

He’s like the Ryan Seacrest of the Central Time Zone or something.

He introduced the three celebrity judges and the crowd went spaz.

Jay Sean, the British singer/rapper who looks like somebody from one of the cooking shows where you win your own restaurant but I forget which one.  Kat DeLuna, who you know must go completely bulls*** every time people confuse her with Shakira.  And Gilbert Salvidar, who had me at ‘Janet Jackson.’

Side note:  Please tell me you saw Kat strike that end-of-the-runway hand on hip pose when she finished her little interview snippet.  You know she does it all the time.  Thank you for calling the law offices of Boom, Boom and Pow.  Hilarious.

The first match was the Dolls vs. the Purple Diamonds.  And their coaches, yo.

Dat’s rite.  Shanika hit the stage in a shrink-wrapped body suit and stilettos and dropped it on the floor waaaaay faster and harder than she did that baby.  I really thought Tawantza was gonna have to be escorted out of the building when she saw what a skinny bitch Shanika was now.

Not to be outdone, Miss D followed up with that one leg in the air thing they always do on Dance Moms and then sealed the deal with a Death Drop that guaranteed the Dolls would be moving on to the second round.

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Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Dianna’s shoes were bigger than her pink dress.

Hubba Hubba, Miss D.

The second match was Neva’s Divas vs. YCDT.  The Olive Branch girls lost and Traci had on some crazy yellow shoes that nobody else in the western hemisphere could pull off but Traci.  Haters gonna hate, but she is FIERCE.  All in caps.  And probably sparkly like her hunting ensemble.

Unfortunately for the Diva’s, even Neva’s Halle Berry meets Tina Turner leather Thunderdome dress with the chain link feather epaulet thingamabobs didn’t have enough mutant superpower to beat the enemy down.

Which meant that it all came down to the Dolls vs. YCDT.

And a couple of Mamas-In-A-Box.

Full disclosure:  I may have blacked out for a second when Mimi and Tina burst through the front of two giant American Girl boxes it was so good.

That’s how you make an entrance, haters.

Tina was spinning me ’round ’round like a record, baby.  Just like the old days.

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Mimi was backin’ dat thang up like she just overshot a highway exit ramp or something.

mdAnd by the time Tina did a somersault into a MamaSplit, I was all like…game over.

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That’s it.

Stick a fork in it.  I’m done.

I swear.  If Tina doesn’t do that same split when we take Mimi out clubbing, I am gonna lose my nutty right there on the dance floor.  I already made a box for me, too, BTW.

It didn’t even matter that the Dolls ended up losing to YCDT.  Not a bit.

Because every team gave their best and that’s what really matters at the end of the day.  And every competition has to have at least a hint of a lesson or it’s not even worth packing the bus.  Because that’s how Dianna do.

And then the show was over.  And so was the season.

Which meant that Kayla and Sunjai would be graduating soon and moving on.  Leaving the Dolls behind.  And leaving the rest of us in denial.

No more Bring It! and no more Kayla or Sunjai?

I can’t.

We’re gonna have to discuss this later, tho.  Now’s not a good time.

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Hopefully I’ll pull it together by July, when Bring It! returns.

See you then.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: When The Purple Diamonds Are Blocking The Road To The Battle Royale, Miss Kayla Takes The Wheel.

Monday, April 20th, 2015

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Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Aww S***.

 

 

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I know this damn baby ain’t getting crackers in my hair after I just sat in a Kia for 18 hours.

 

 

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Excuse me. Where did those two come from? And where’d that baby get all those tasty snacks?

 

 

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Srsly? It took you 15 months to have that baby but you expect us to learn all these moves in two days?

 

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Thank you, Lord. Finally somebody did the math.

 

 

dtc

 

 

 

I don’t appreciate people talking about my new baby…or this ghetto shirt y’all making me wear.

 

 

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Srsly? That. Is. HIGHlarious.

 

 

 

 

Hold up.

Did I hear you right?

Lemme move my Rittany weave just so we clear.

Did I hear you right?

Next week is the Battle Royale?

The season ending Battle Royale?  The finale?  That one?

I’m sorry, but that’s unacceptable.  Bring It! can not be ending already.

I don’t believe it.  I won’t believe it.  And if anyone thinks I’m giving up Friday date night with my DDPs without a fight, well…

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So somebody needs to fix this asap.

And yes…I’m looking at you, Lifetime Television.

Because I’m pretty sure any network that ran the same five Jane Seymour movies every weekend for 7 years can afford to tack on a few extra episodes, even if it’s just bloopers and an hour of my girl Mimi making MimiFaces.  So let’s go, people.

Chop Chop.  Hooty Hoo.

With only one week to go before the Battle Royale (…the mutha of all competitions in the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions…) Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were already hard at work inside the Dollhouse Dance Factory prepping for this weekend’s final showdown as soon as the credits rolled.

Miss D’s wonky knee seemed to have recovered nicely as she paced back and forth, crutch-free, in front of the team spilling deets on the upcoming pre-Battle battle.   Dianna had all her signature moves and catchphrases back on point (…and on two feet…) and the girls were literally panting and patting with anticipation to get back out on the floor for the final stop on their World Domination A** Kicking Tour.

This week, the team would only be competing in the Stand Battle portion of the competition, which was being held right there somewhere in beautiful downtown Jackson.

Staying local meant that not only would the Dolls be able to focus more on rehearsing and less on packing, but that they would once again be facing off against Jackson’s other hometown favorite…the Purple Diamonds.

Dat’s rite.  Shanika Lee & the PDs were back in da house.  I smell a rematch.

(Spoiler Alert:  I also smell wet baby.  But hold that thought.)

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The twist this week, since there’s always a twist, was that Captain Kayla would be running the show.  The whole show.  Rehearsing.  Running formations.  And doing cuts.

No pressure there.

Since Kayla hoped to one day have her own studio (…Miss Kayla’s I Got It From My Mama School Of Dance And Shuffling coming to a neighborhood near you soon…) Dianna felt that giving KJ complete reign of the girls this week would be a good test run for the Real World.  That meant that along with leading the Stand Battle, Kayla would be responsible for all the working parts of preparing for a competition.

Realistically, going up against the Purple Diamonds and then turning around and heading right into a Battle Royale the following week was probably going to give all the girls a lesson in being ready for what Life(time) throws at you.  Which was ok.  Because you know how Dianna loves her Life(time) Lessons.

This week’s being:  If you STAY ready, you don’t have to GET ready.

Side note:  Can’t you just see a line of Dianna Williams Motivational Hallmark cards sitting in the racks at Walgreens?  F’realz.  Every word out of Miss D’s mouth, except for maybe the swear ones and the stuff she says to that Olive Branch lady, is custom made for a family-friendly greeting card.  Why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet?

I can totally picture them, too.  They’d be all blinged up like a flat Michael Kors bag or something and probably play a Luther Vandross slow jam when you open them.  Except for the Birthday ones that would drop a hard Janet beat for your Special Day.

I bet they’d even make Oprah cry.

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As the girls got down to rehearsing, we had just enough time to head across town, swing by Babies ‘R Us to pick up a gift and then drop in on the Purple Diamonds studio to see how they were doing getting ready for the competition.

Warning:  You might want to sit down for this one.

Shanika.  Had.  Her.  Baby.

I swear.

Shanika was NOT pregnant.  This is not a drill.

The PD Coach FINALLY had that baby.  Freakin’.  Finally.

And I gotta say, girlfriend looked pretty fly for just delivering what had to have been 2 year old with a full head of hair and all four wisdom teeth.  So congratulations, Boo.  I know that baby must be a cutie patootie if he/she takes after Mama.  You must be so proud.

And speaking of hometown bragging rights.  Without a doubt, The Purple Diamonds are the Dancing Dolls biggest rival in Jackson.  They’ve had a rollercoaster relationship over the years, most notably the infamous victory booty spanks that a few select PD girls unleashed all up in the Dolls’ faces after taking First Place at a previous competition.

Side note:  We’ve all seen the flashback video for months now, but this was the first time that I really paid attention to that one crazy PD Mama who came out of nowhere and snatched her baby girl right out of the auditorium as soon as she started spanking her a**.

You see dat?  How did I miss it the first 250 times they ran the loop?

(Quick pause to point out that the Mickey Hat made it’s triumphant return this week.)

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But anyway.  That Mama.  She was on fi-yah.  I swear she popped a rotator cuff when she yanked her girl off the floor.  It was the same way those mothers do it when their punk a** kids start horsing around on the yellow part of the subway platform.  That must have been one looooong ride home in the car, sweetie.  And an even longer month being grounded without your Sidekick.  Cuz Mama was not happy.  Just wait till your Daddy comes home.

Side note:  Where was Shanika’s new baby?  We’ve been looking at it for the last year and a half.  It would have been nice to finally have some kind of christening or something.  And why does every hip hop majorette dance studio have so much crap piled up in all the corners?  And do you think there’s a nursery in the back now?  Because you know it has to be decorated in Barney the Dinosaur bedding.  I can’t think of any other cartoon that’s purple and she was registered at stores that sell it.

So many questions still unanswered.  And with only one episode left.

Back at the Dollhouse, Kayla was trying to channel her Inner Miss D and get the job done, but it wasn’t going so well.  Apparently, being Miss D is even harder than it looks, because for Kayla the struggle was real.

Dianna tried to remain hands-off, but kept jumping back in on Kayla’s directions and decisions so often that when Miss D momentarily retook control of the lineup, KJ didn’t know what else to do except cry.  She didn’t want to cry.  And I didn’t want to see her cry.

But she did.  One single tear, like they do in soap operas.

Lesson Number Two:  Life is frustrating.  You need to be tough.  And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  At least according to Miss D and that girl from American Idol, who also just had a baby.  But in only 9 months.  Like normal people.

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Side note to Lifetime:  There was not nearly enough DDP FaceTime this week.  And it was unacceptable.  Going forward, please make it a point to have all my Mamas on the sidewalk and on the screen more often, even if it means cutting back on a few of your commercials.  Especially the one about having greasy babies in the woods.  I’d be ok with that.  Because that one was just nasty.

The night before the competition, Kayla clutched the sacred Clipboard of Cuts and put the girls into small, manageable groups to judge their Stand Battle readiness, while across town in the Purple Diamonds underground laboratory, Shanika was busy creating an artificial Dianna and Sunjai for her newly choreographed DD4L Stand.

I see what you’re doing there, Ms. Lee.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Side note:  Chair Stands are the New Black.  I get that.  But you mean to tell me that none of these high school and university auditorium venues come equipped with metal folding chairs?  Do the Dolls really need to shlep them around from town to town wherever they go?  What do the students in Jackson sit on during classes nowadays?

Seriously.  Watching the Dolls file into the building looked like that famous sad World War II movie where every prisoner was given one shower cap and one folding chair and sent into Solitary.  Which I might be making up, since I can’t remember if they actually had metal folding chairs during World War II.

Or Staples stores to buy them at.  Or even shower caps to keep your edges laid.

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But you get my point

I just hope the Dolls got to ride over on a bus, because if my girls had to walk in formation all the way across town carrying bake sale chairs, Imma gon’ need to talk to somebody in charge.  Because that ain’t right.

And speaking of awkward arrivals.  Ladies and Gentlemen…Traci Young-Byron.

Whaa–?  AwHellNah.

I know that coach from Miami’s YCDT Supastarz did not just walk into the building like she and her ShavedHead LadyFriend just happened to be in the neighborhood looking for colored sidewalk chalk.

One…Because you know that’s totally what Traci uses to section her hair.  The big jumbo pack ones that comes with a ‘Do Not Eat’ sticker because they look exactly like bubble gum cigars and kids get all excited when they see the pink one.

And Two…That was funny.  It’s ok to laugh.

Side note:  Wait.  What?  No Mimi at the competition?  Really?  Not cool.  Not cool at all.

Luckily, Tawantza‘s crazy mini-hair clips and thigh high Disney Pocahontas boots gave me so much Life that I can forgive Mimi for missing the bus.  Bonus Points for Tawantza’s iPhone being tucked into the top of her boots like she was some Bond girl getting ready to pull out a switchblade and slit your throat during dinner.

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This show.  Make it be two hours.  And longer than 14 episodes.  Now, please.

Naturally, Miss D and Traci met up in the hallway before the competition and that scene alone could have extended this thing to 15 weeks.

They were both all like MmmHmm and OhNoYouDin’t and WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis as they confirmed that their bodies were indeed snatched and who was fiercer than who and WhyYouBeSpyingUpOnMe all back and forth and back and forth until I ’bout needed to lay down on the church floor just to catch my breath.

Lawd.  It was totally like that.  I swear.

Even more Bonus Points given to anyone who noticed that lady in the background bringing back the JLo Juicy Couture sweat set.  I need to know her name immediately.

Then the Dolls and PDs hit the lights.  And it was on.

The Purple Diamonds unleashed their Diannastein Monster and let the fake Miss D stomp all around the Stand making cuts while a fake Sunjai ran in circles flipping extensions like it was her day job.  The Dolls returned the favor with a Stand that even Traci admitted was pretty slick even though nobody pointed their toes.

Then the PDs dropped a girl on her head, which I don’t think was supposed to be part of the next Stand.  They were trying to do some upside down something or other and everyone got wobbly at the same time (…which I assumed was not the plan, even though it did make it appear to be slightly choreographed…) until one girl finally gave up and just dropped the other one so they could keep the thing moving.

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They even had a drum major dude come out and go completely drum major spaz on the audience.  Twitter said he was an official Jackson drum major (…and you know that anything on the internet is true…) so I’m not sure why he couldn’t wear his official Jackson drum major uniform instead of a rap video track suit.  But whatever, yo.

And then the Dolls shut it down with their Chair Stand.  I mean…dang, gurlz.

They slid it down.  And then Shut.  It.  Down.

Even Traci was all like lean back WTF?TheyGoooodNow!

Umm.  Der.  Yeah.  They’re the Dancing Dolls.

Needless to say, the Dolls won.

Both teams did amazingly well.  Everyone stepped it up for this competition.  The Purple Diamonds were exceptionally energetic, which Traci made note of in her SpyBook.  But there could only be one winner.  And it was the Dolls.

And now it was on to the Battle Royale, where The Best of The Best would come face to face one last time to decide who really gets those bragging rights.

The Dancing Dolls vs. Everyone.

This is the Big One.  So get ready to throw some Shade and some Stands.

You think you can beat the Dolls?  Really?

Girl, pleez.  Take a seat.

On second thought…take two.

DD4L!

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