DanThat'sCool!

 

 

This is the deal. Next time we either get the couches back, or Mama’s bringing her padded Steelers bleacher cushion.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. If this blonde chick says ‘Motor Boat’ one more time…it’s on.

 

 

 

 

 

I was promised that Paige’s number would be cut and replaced with my Gangnam Style.

 

 

 

 

 

 I hate my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s see who’s crying after I slap a bitch. Let’s go!

 

 

 

 

 

So, should I wake her up or just keep going until the next commercial break?

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. I didn’t bust out a new hair bow just to find out there’s no ice cream.

 

 

 

Second verse…same as the first.

Except maybe crazier.

It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion this week, packed with even more of what we’ve come to love.

More competition, more yelling, more accusations…and more Moms.

The Original Recipe Moms.  The Hot New Mom.  The Former Mom.

Even one unsuspecting senior citizen Mom from Ohio in a complete fog, minding her own business in the audience, who somehow got caught in Abby Lee Miller‘s crossfire.

It was literally a Momapalooza.

Taking a nod from the Real Housewives franchise, my boy Jeff Collins had everyone stick around for a second week of talking smack in their fancy clothes, which pretty much always guarantees high drama as the day wears on and the stiletto feet start to hurt.

You know they always save the good stuff for the last show.

So everyone was back for more, just like on Bravo TV.  Except that when the cameras go back to Andy Cohen in some glittery Las Vegas hotel for Round Two, all the Housewives are still sitting there on the couches, uncomfortably glaring at each other or licking their front teeth like pageant girls.

For some reason on Dance Moms though, they felt the need to scoot everyone backstage and reintroduce them to the same audience again.  Like we’d never seen them before.  Granted, the whole process probably only took 45 seconds total, but that’s 45 seconds that someone could have been throwing shade.

Time is money, people.  And I bought snacks specifically for this evening.

Abby was first out on stage, just like last week, accompanied by a quick montage of some of this season’s New Mama Drama starring Kristie with a K and Jackie Lucia.

Oh, Kristie.  I may have mentioned once or twice over the last few weeks how much I love me some Kristie.

Seriously.  Love.

Every time the cashier at my grocery store holds up the line by checking her text messages under the counter I always wonder how Mama JLo would handle the situation.  Then my eyes get real big, I reach over the credit card scanner, hand her my coupons and slap the bitch into yesterday.

Let’s go!  Get off your phone.  Ring up my bag of Ruffles BBQ.  And then let’s go.

Jeff asked Abby to compare the New Moms to the Original Recipe Moms, and we got an ear full.  New Moms: Respectful.  Old Moms: Not so much.

Keeping with the same theme, he moved on to Sophia vs. Maddie and Asia vs. Mackenzie.

If you watch the show, you didn’t really need Abby to break down the differences between all the kids.  You could probably figure that one out by yourself.

One point Abby did make was that tiny SassyPants Asia probably didn’t know who Bob Fosse was, which apparently must come up in playground discussions a lot more than it did when I was in second grade.

If you’re 7 years old and can do the whole Single Ladies dance better than Beyoncé, who really cares who Bob Fosse is?  That’s what Google is for, mmmkay?

Then some random Soccer Mom in the audience inappropriately asked Abby if the Original Recipe Moms were jealous of Kristie’s awesome sauce hotness and the whole thing kind of collapsed into a discussion about skinny waistlines and boobs that could make a grown man cry.

Which was Kristie’s cue to come out on stage.

By the way, from now on I have decided to enter every room the same way Kristie does.

Like a hot a** Diva Bitch.

Arms opened wide.  Hugs.  Air kisses.  I have arrived.

I’ll pass on the Chair Guy bumbling behind me again, as well as the full length white gown.  Don’t get me wrong.  Looked faboo on her.  I just don’t have the height.

And now that you mention it, she did kind of look like Cher doing an opening number from the old Sonny & Cher Show, with that whole long hair and gown thing going on.

But she also kind of looked like a runaway bride from some Telemundo telenovela.  So I wasn’t really sure if she was going to sing Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves or throw a champagne glass against the wall and slap a housekeeper.

Love.  Her.

And then it was all about the crying scandal that rocked the ALDC:  Asiagate.

Again.

Did she cry?  When did she cry?  Did Mom try to hide her in the bathroom?  Why is a 7 year old acting like such a…I don’t know…a 7 year old?

Get Jill out here.  And Christi.  And a video montage of Kendall crying.  And then make Kendall do a solo dance in front of everyone right after the video.

Yeah…that happened.

After a few audience members blacked out from epileptic seizures (…seriously…did you see those strobe lights during Kendall’s solo?  A little warning would have been nice…) it was nothing but tears.

Side note.  During Kendall’s solo I finally figured out what that odd Mardi Gras studio reminds me of with all its beads and Senior Play lighting.

Star Trek.  Or Lost in Space.  Or any of those old, low budget sci-fi shows before there were CGI effects.  I swear Kendall was dancing in the same room where Captain Kirk kissed a Vulcan princess while he was trippin’ on space juice.

Tell me I’m not wrong.

After the solo, it was probably a good 90 minutes of arguing about whether or not Asia was born with working tear ducts, why Kendall cried every week regardless of whether she was yelled at or not, why Jill cared so much about Asia’s emotional state, why we were all still having this discussion in the first place and why they’re not all saving those tears for their pillows anyway, like it says in the damn contract.

Abby interjected something about how only kids with no food should be allowed to cry and then Jill said Asia was a Hot Mess in every group number.

Secretly, even though I totally heart Jill, I wanted JLo to pound a Bump-It back into her skull just for good TV.  But violence isn’t the answer, kids.

Or at least not when you’re wearing couture.

Before it went completely Christi on Kristie, we were treated to a video montage of squeaky little Sophia’s short Dance Moms tenure.  And then her solo, entitled SuperStar.

Which they had to spell out in the lyrics, since apparently the show should also be a learning experience given the fact that kids are at home watching TV instead of doing their homework on a Tuesday night.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how many times the songs spell out their own titles until later in the show when Mackadoodle performed her own dance and they had to sound out the word ‘Lemonade’ for me.

Go back and check your DVR this season.  It’s true.  The More You Know.

Melissa and Jackie Lucia joined the crowd after sending JLo back to the Green Room (…Boo…!) where they gave Jeff a lesson in the difference between Spins and Turns.

Yes.  It’s true that Sophia can reverse the clock and go back in time like Superman did just by spinning herself into thin air.  Which is a pretty big deal if you ask me.  But Mom didn’t want her to be remembered as simply the dancing Tasmanian Devil.  And she certainly didn’t want Sophia remembered for being part of the Fight Club known as the ALDC.  They are both way too soft spoken for any of that dramz.

So as you’ll recall, Jackie had pulled Sophia out of Pittsburgh before they had even finished unpacking, and that had resulted in some long term tension between the Moms.

Given that Jackie didn’t want to be around all the negativity, and that realistically it would have been almost impossible to take either of them seriously during an argument when they both sound like characters from a Disney holiday cartoon, it was best for everyone that they just move on and check Pittsburgh off their Bucket List.

Thanks for playing.  Love your hair.

One more side note.  Abby shouldn’t sit on those high chairs with one foot on her stool and one foot on Melissa’s.  She just shouldn’t.  Unless she’s giving a motivational speech to a football team going into the last quarter of the Super Bowl, of course.

Otherwise, just don’t do that again, please.

Eventually, Abby headed out back and Kelly and Holly joined the girls on stage .  The Old and the New.  And the Uncomfortable.

Holly felt that it was insulting for Jackie to diss the ALDC.  Jackie asked why they even stay at the studio if it’s nothing but throw downs and breakdowns.  Christi wanted to know where Jackie and JLo were three years ago and Kelly wanted to go on record as saying she did NOT show the Lucias the front door.

Jill phutzed with her 47 bracelets a lot.  Ssssh.  Stop that.

Finally, the newbies were sent to the Green Room to babysit Vivi-Anne as all the originals filled the stage.

Even Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

Let the games begin, please.

When questioned, Cathy stated that she would maybe, possibly, potentially, might consider taking Chloe on as a student at the Candy Apples Dance Center.

Maybe.  Not an offer.  Just saying.

She would also only choose Holly or Melissa to watch her kid during a national emergency, since the rest of them are all unreliable loose cannons.  Which I guess implied that JLo and Jackie were out back poking Vivi-Anne with a stick or something.

Another Soccer Mom asked Cathy which Downton Abbey characters remind her of herself and Abby, since apparently Cathy must tweet about the show.

I’ve never actually seen the program, so I have to assume it must conflict with some Reality trash on my viewing schedule.  But Cathy compared Abby to some car on the show, and since the only two TV cars I know are the talking one from Knight Rider and Herbie the Love Bug (…back before Lindsay Lohan got all coked up…) I had no idea what was going on.

Luckily Abby came to my rescue by changing the subject and calling Cathy’s Mom her “Poor Pathetic Mother.”

Oh, snap.  Did you just diss my Mom?

Shut up.  And Mom was right there in the audience.  Girlfriend perked up like they had just called her number at Bingo.

They even gave Vivi-Anne’s Grandma some Honey Boo Boo subtitles as she called Abby a disgrace and pointed in the air like she was picking out deli meat.

Best part?  The little girl next to her was all like totally OMG I love this show.  Her little friends are gonna be totz jealz tomorrow.  Totz.

And then it was nothing but screaming, yelling and accusations that Abby now suffered from PTSD as a result of being beaten by Cathy’s handbag.

She struck me.  Dramatic pause.

Kelly had time to sneak in a few more zingers regarding Anthony Burrell calling out Paige‘s floppy legs in front of an entire auditorium at the last competition and how hurtful it had been.  Regardless of whether Abby had set up her daughter in front of the crowd, or if Anthony was just being Tony the Tool, the whole scene horrified Paige to the point where she had refused to perform her solo during the Reunion Show.

Abby was quick to point out that you don’t getter better sitting on your butt, and then Kelly got a little twisted.

By the time Abby told Cathy that her pathetic mother was nothing to her, and that Cathy was nothing to her, and that Cathy is something that should be shoved dow the toilet with a plunger, Jeff was pretty much breaking out in some serious lip sweat and nervous pee.

And then he did what I do whenever I’m in a tense situation and can’t figure out what to do next:  I panic.

Hey, everyone!  Let’s dance!

And the Award for Most Awkward Transition of 2013 goes to Mr. Jeff Collins.  Come on up and get your trophy, dude.

With two minutes to go, all the kids ran out and performed the famous Rosa Parks group number in a last ditch attempt at breaking the tension.

And maybe it worked for some viewers.  For me, it just made me wonder why they hadn’t been using elastic chin straps all along.

I know, right?

Hats were flinging off and flying off and falling off at every performance this year, and now that we’re done with the season you decide to invest in rubber bands?

Somebody needs a JLo slap.

And then it was over.

But only for a few weeks.  And then they’re back.

So we’ll see you then for more hilarity.

And Grandma…what do you think of my Dance Moms recaps?

 

 

Seriously? He’s a psychic podiatrist? And now your kid is all better, and that’s really your natural hair color? Pleez.

 

 

 

 

Just like those are your real eyelashes. And your kid’s a big playground bully.

 

 

 

 

Keep it up. Soon as I finish my Starbucks, somebody’s gonna be picking all their extensions up off the floor, sister.

 

 

 

 

 

Bitch, pleez. I used to be the pretty one.

 

 

 

 

 

Lawd. Give me the strength to not go all Jenny Knock Yo’ Block Off on some of these Bingo Ladies right now.

 

 

 

 

This is really my life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

OhMyGod! We’re not the craziest ones anymore! Shotskis!

 

 

 

Hi.  Thanks for coming.

And now…The Pyramid of Shame.

Boom.  Zoom.  Meow.

That’s pretty much how it went down on the latest episode of Dance Moms.

Abby Lee Miller got right to bidnezz before the opening credits even finished rolling this time around, because after coming in 2nd Place last week (…which, as foretold in the ancient Dance Scriptures, is always the First Loser…) she was not in the mood for games.  Or all the smack talk that was just about to be unleashed.

The ALDC had not only been beaten out of the top spot, but they had been beaten out of the top spot by several dance teachers that Abby did not even know.  Strangers.

So it was time to put the pressure on, starting with the required reveal of the latest Seriously…Maddie Again? Pyramid of Shame.

Bottom row was looking pretty familiar.  Mackenzie, Paige and Kendall.

MackNapSack was still on the ground floor because she had not danced in last week’s competition, thanks in part to whatever it was that was going on with her foot that day.

Nobody really seemed to know what the dealio was with her doinked up foot anymore except that she was originally told by some mysterious unnamed doctor to not dance for two weeks.  Unless she was somehow immaculately, miraculously cured of all ailments earlier than expected, of course.

Then it would be ok to dance.  Hold that thought.

Paige was back on the bottom because she held the American flag upside down at the end of the patriotic group dance and apparently almost ignited an enemy invasion of our shores, even though the jury is still out on whether or not it was really Asia‘s fault for getting the thing all goobed up on Paige’s head during the hand-off.  That one will probably end up in some dead file with all the other unsolved dance mysteries, because nobody could agree on a verdict.

And, of course, Brooke was hanging low again because she’s Brooke. Not to mention the whole Mom Kelly thing and the fact that Brooke seems to be phoning in her participation lately.  Which is probably pretty easy to do, considering that she never looks up from that hot pink Barbie iPhone when she’s off the dancefloor.

OMG.  Boys.  LOL.  Boys.  TTFN.  Send.

Second tier was all about Chloe, Nia and the aforementioned Asia.  They all did a great job at the last competition and got rave reviews, but 2nd row is basically just an FAA holding pattern to allow AirMaddie to zoom past, land and then taxi up to the best spot on the tarmac.

And she did.  Maddie was at the top of the Pyramid again. Yadda yadda yadda.

This week, providing the gang could get their shizzle together and focus, they would all be heading to Youngstown, OH for the Energy Dance Competition.  That’s the competition with that gigantic projected backdrop featuring the silhouette of a dancer that looks like some five year old took his Crayola and traced over a map of Italy.

Seriously.  What is that?

As Abby was about to hand out solos and such, she noticed that MackSlap wasn’t wearing her air cast.  And wasn’t she supposed to be chillin’ like a villain off that thing for a full two weeks?

Sounding like she got caught sucking on a giant Gobstopper jawbreaker, tiny MackSplat said that she felt better and that yes…no…maybe…she had been to the doctor again and he might have said it was probably definitely could be ok to do stuff.

Really.  She gave all those answers at once.  Like Jodie Arias, but without the fake glasses and the headstand.  Don’t get me started on that one.

Melissa came to her defense.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Yes, they had seen the doctor.  But no, they hadn’t.  And he said it was ok if she felt better, because a 7 year old always knows more about juvenile podiatry than someone who went to med school.  The doctor had even somehow managed to x-ray MackSmack’s gimp foot simply by having Melissa press the phone receiver up against her leg and count to 30.  You have to admire the advances in modern medicine.

I don’t know.  It was so jumbled I just went and got a snack.  If you DVRed the episode and plan on watching it later, right now is when you can go to the refrigerator and not miss anything.

Maddie and Chloe scored solos.  Nia and Asia, Fierce 1 & Fierce 2, were matched up in a duet.  Both of them.  Together.

Can I get a Halleloooo from the congregation?

The group number was entitled Hear No Evil (…as in: ‘Don’t listen to any of your Moms’ crap’…) but Maddie wouldn’t be participating.  She would be assisting with the choreography.  Which was somehow different than being an Assistant Choreographer.

Don’t ask.

The assignment immediately opened up a whole can of whoop a** MomWorms in the MomPerch.  Let the games begin.

If Abby really felt that the rest of the girls were dragging Maddie down, then why doesn’t she just move the Golden Child on up to the Senior Group and be done with it?  And if Maddie is really the team leader, why pull her out of a number and set the rest of the dancers up for guaranteed failure?  And what’s the freakin’ difference between assisting and being an Assistant, anyway? And why is Asia having so much trouble keeping up with the tall kids?

And most importantly, why are some of Kristie with a K‘s earring so small this week?

Unacceptable.

Then it was time for this week’s classic Leave It To Christi Moment:

Yo.  Melissa.  Sup?  How’d your kid’s foot get better so fast?  It’s like freakin’ magic or something.  Thought she was busted up, yo.

Oh, snap.

She rested it.  You made it up.  She feels better.  You lie.  No I didn’t.  She’s just scared of competing with the big kids.  No, she’s not.  Yes, she is.  You lie.  Oh, yeah?  Well, I hate your hair that way.

Luckily, Abby received a call from one of Barbara Walters‘ bitches down at ABC before all the Moms could pig pile on top of Melissa for (…allegedly…) lying about her age, her taxes and her kid’s toe.

Abby, decked out in some seriously bedazzled red crystal jewelry, including what was either one of those Joan Rivers QVC Christmas Cardinal bird bracelets or a pair of Mob Wives lips cast straight from Big Ang‘s face, had been invited to cohost The View!

In New York City!

I know, right?  Where’s Star Jones when you need her?  Can you imagine that throw down?  Babs also wanted Abby to bring along the girls and present one of their award winning routines for everyone at home to see.

Somebody must have then realized that nobody had done much actual rehearsing, because all of the sudden everyone got back to their routines.

Can I just take a second to mention how much I used to love that sloppy, graffiti bench that Abby always sits on during rehearsals?  It’s total sixth grade drama club prop, and always looks like the paint is still wet.

This week I finally figured out that up on the left side somewhere it says “Text Me” with what must be an actual phone number, because sometimes the producers blur it like they do a crackhead’s eyes during a trailer park bust on COPS.

For three seasons I thought it said “Eat Me” and that they were pixelating out something really good.  But no such luck.  False alarm…turn the trucks around.  It’s just a phone number.  Not so fascinated anymore.

Anyway.

Abby decided that for The View, they would present “The Last Text.”  That’s the dance where Paige drives a car into a telephone pole because she’s not paying attention to the road, and little MackYak backflips through the window and bleeds out on the stage because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt while screwing off on a cell phone.

Except that this time it looked like it might be Asia who would be catapulting out the passenger side, because Mack was supposed to stay off that foot, despite her suddenly excellerated mutant healing factor.  Needless to say, the chance to dance in NYC opened up the MomWorms again and Melissa got (bleeped) out a few times.

No.  I don’t believe you.  And I will call the F***ing doctor myself.  Bitch.

Somewhere amidst all the accusations, Brooke met with a voice coach to talk about her singing career and get some pointers before they all went to NYC.  Well, actually Mom and the voice coach did all the talking.  Brooke just phutzed with her iPhone (…one of my biggest pet peeves EVER…) and didn’t even look at up the coach.  Maybe she was just rehearsing the group dance in her head.  Who knows with that kid.

And the coach’s name was Hilerie.  For realz.  Spelled like she was some kind of Toddlers & Tiaras wannabe, or something.

With one day to go before the competition, it was getting a little stressful up in the MomPerch.  And stress always makes for good TV.

According to outside sources, Maddie had allegedly let all that new assistant power go right to her head and taken both her newfound authority and her favorite Unicorn Trapper Keeper right up to Asia and told her that she would not be performing on The View next week.  At least that was the word on the street.

Melissa said it never happened, but now that you mention it…Asia is being a totally sissy pants bully to Mackenzie and got caught dropping a construction block from the roof of the ALDC right on to little Mack’s bumb leg.

And then JLo’s eyes got really, really crazy wide like they do right before her earrings start flapping.  Love.  Her.

JLo accused Melissa of being passive/aggressive.  Melissa got all passive/aggressive and denied it.  JLo called the whole sore toe thing a big charade.  Fingers and eyeballs and earrings were flying everywhere.

In other developments, Christi seemed pretty normal this week and Kelly finally realized that you could fill a water bottle with vodka and nobody would even know the difference.

The only thing that could possibly top all the smack talk this week was Abby’s already infamous Drag Queen Walk.

In an attempt to inspire Nia and Asia to Fierce Greatness, Abby showed the two little niblets how to drag walk in their routine.  No, really.  She did.  Like a Boss.

Picture Bette Midler and The Penguin from the second Batman movie having an illegitimate son who eventually grows up to perform with a Las Vegas touring company that only does cruise ships.  Over accessorized with duct tape on his nibblies, of course.

It was like that.  And it pretty much gave me life.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Chloe and Maddie both aced their solos.  Maddie looked like one of those plastic ballerina cake toppers you buy at iParty and Chloe’s legs actually grew another inch during the performance.  Slo-Mo the tape and I swear you’ll see it right before your very eyes, like a garden bean.

If you read the program, there were supposed to be approximately 14 numbers performed before the duet hit the stage, so naturally Nia and Asia were called up right after the solos.  Unstretched, unrehearsed and barely duct taped.

But they werked it out like two Real Housewives of Atlanta hairdressers in Reynolds Wrap Lost In Space uniforms, Miss Thang, and made Shangela proud.

Maddie gave a quick Super Bowl motivational speech to the team and then sent everyone out onto the field for the group dance, which they nailed.

As a result, the ALDC pretty much owned the awards ceremony.

Special shout out to the dude tossing tee shirts and who-knows-what into the audience like he worked at Fenway Park.  I’ll take a size medium shirt and a size large ball park frank over here, please.

After the competition, there was just enough time to run through next week’s NYC routine so Abby could finally decide which little kid would get to throw herself out the window and into the national spotlight.

And the winner is:

Psych.  You wish.

You’ll find out when Barbara Walters finds out.

To be continued…

 

 

Mackenzie. Can you handle it? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, Boo.

 

 

 

 

 

First my foot. And now this. Boned twice in one week.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, JLo. Did you just tell me to Suck It in Korean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

그것을 빨아 줘, Bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh My God. Can I tell you how much I love this chick? She’s crazier than my hair.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I am literally so overcome by my own good looks that I either burst into song or just smile really big.

 

 

 

 

Not gonna lie. I wouldn’t mind stuffing some of that and mounting it in my living room.

 

 

 

Ok.  This is the deal.

We need to skip all the fancy introductions and smooth segues into this week’s episode of Dance Moms and just get down to bidnezz, because there was so much tasty goodness going on that we can’t afford to waste any time.  We’ll get back to the drawn out skimmable stuff next time.  Grab some snacks.  It’s a long one.

Ladies & Gentlemen…Asia Monet Ray is back in the hizzle.

Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

The pint sized spitfire with the uncanny ability to booty pop sight right back into the eyeballs of a blind man made her triumphant return to AbbyLand this week.

You remember Asia.  She was the breakout star of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, who shimmied her stuff in and out of lion cages and Wicked Witch trash bag couture so hard that I swore judge Richy Jackson was going to grow another index finger just so he could toss up a fierce three finger wave.

Shout out to Lady Gaga.  Werk.

But even the highly anticipated arrival of a four foot stick of dy-no-mite in a hair bow had to wait until the Maddie Memorial Pyramid of Shame was revealed.  Rules are still rules, people.

After hosing down all the competition with last week’s Fosse meets Flashdance routine, the ALDC was feeling pretty good as the girls all marched in to report for dance duty.

To shake things up a little, and at the same time prevent anyone from doing some quick math and realizing that there were more photos than girls adhered to the mirror, Abby Lee Miller started the whole process from the top down.

Because she’s crazy like that.

Numero uno spot was once again all about Maddie.  Feel free to feign some semblance of surprise and then enjoy a moment of light applause amongst yourselves.

Middle row was held down by Paige, Kendall and Chloe.

Paige did fine in the most recent competition, but her Mom Kelly still is not on Abby’s holiday card checklist, so second row is about all the poor thing should expect for a few more weeks.  Kendall was in the middle because she came in Third Place, which was pretty respectable.  But Third Place isn’t Second Place.  And that would have been better.  Chloe was in the middle for some reason, but I forget what it was.  Kelly was still talking about Paige and it got me distracted.

Finally, the bottom row was reserved for Nia, Mackenzie, Brooke and the mystery photo.  Nia had done a great job but flown under Abby’s radar, while Mackadoodle shouldn’t have participated in the group number at all due the fact that she was still fairly height challenged when compared to the other girls.  And Brooke had been dismissed for a spelling test or prom or something, so she barely skewed the final scores since she never even joined them on the bus.

That left one photo still shrouded in secrecy.  Who could it be?  Was Sophia Lucia back from her World Domination Tour already?  Drumroll, please.

Unfortunately, the Lifetime promo department had been working overtime the last days and done everything in their power short of letting the sassy kid ring the opening bell on Wall Street, so it was a little anti-climactic.

Most of America already knew Asia “Oh Hey” Monet Ray was joining the team this week and that there was also going to be a new episode of Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s dirty little show.  DVRs had been set three days ago.

So.  Rip.  Taa-Daa.  Asia.

The kids all went OMG hyper spaz, except for Mackawhacka, who appeared to swallow her gum when she realized that this could potentially end her dance career faster than that extra bone, or toe, or whatever it is that has been going on with her foot this month.

Mom Melissa grabbed her ever-handy iPhone, crunched some numbers and also came to the realization that Asia’s imminent arrival may have just put the ALDC over its allowed quota for cute, spunky dancers.  Game On.

This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition in Highland, Michigan.  And so were those Candy Apple people.

That meant not only would Abby & Co. have to deal with the most inexpensive, poorly projected image backdrop in all of competitive dance, but also come face to face once again with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her newly formed Boy Band.

Losing was not going to be an option, girls.

The group routine was all about Reincarnation, and was for Big Girls only.  So no MackSmack.  And no Asia.  Sorry.  You need to be this tall to ride the ride.

Kendall, Maddie and Chloe scored a Trio.  Which is harder than a duet I hear.  And bottle rocket Asia, who had yet to even show up, was given a solo, which was good for a few Christi faces before the first commercial break.

As everyone waited for the Asia Bus to pull up to the bumper, we all scooted over to Ohio for some jazz hands and jerky at Canton’s very own flagship Apple Store.

According to Cathy’s oversized digital photo flip frame, her Pyramid consisted of Brandon, Gino and The Return of The Zackster, as well as top seeded Nick and his freakishly Stretch Armstrong hip flexors.

While Asia had been the breakout star of AUDC’s first season, Zack had clearly been the heartbreaker.  You do remember the mass hysteria when he was cut from the competition, right?  Holy Beatles first US appearance, Batman.  We need a medic in the lobby, stat.

If you’re still filling out your Dance Madness brackets, the tiny kid who always spun on his head was noticeably MIA this week.  No explanation.  And no high fives and chest bumps since Dad was also not in the building.  Maybe next time.

To guarantee a win at Energy, Cathy excitedly revealed her Secret Weapon.  You think T & A can sell it on stage?  Try T & T.

Tanning  & Teeth.  Guest Choreographer John Culbertson.

Looking like the guy in those backlit mall kiosk ads for one hour veneers, John popped up behind the Apple TV waving and smiling as though Cathy was pulling him in on a Grand Marshall parade float.  Dude was happy to be there.

Pop-an-artery-in-your-forehead kind of Happy.  And very tan.  Very happy and very tan.

Turns out that he likes to be called Mr. Dance of America, which I kinda felt was my thing when the DJ puts some records on and I dance with my baby.  But whatev.

He is also a close friend of Abby’s, so it was pretty clear that a few more people were going to risk stroking out before this competition was over.  And according to the photos on his Facebook page, Johnny also doesn’t like wearing shirts very much.  So tear it off like they do on the Chelsea Piers and let the games begin, I guess.

Back in PA, Asia finally arrived.

Boom.  Boom.  Pow.  Finally.  Thanks to AUDC, it has already been well documented that the best thing about Asia, besides her mini Destiny’s Child butt and that head bob thing she always does whenever she opens her mouth…is her Mom Kristie.

Love.  Her.  That’s Kristie with a K.  And Christi with a C was not likin’ it.  Not one bit.

Asia’s Mom, best known for not owning one single top in her closet with sleeves and always wearing ginormous Jennifer Lopez earrings, is also pretty famous for throwing down with that looney Mom Yvette back on AUDC (…”What?  You want some of this?  Hit me.  Hit me.  Go ahead.  Come at me”…)

Yeah.  Instead of the front door, Bitch could totally have entered the ALDC building through a cloud of Vegas stage fog.  Because she’s that bad a**.

I’ve already added her to the limited list of fierce Pageant Coaches and crazy Toddler Moms who I need to go clubbing with at some point before I die.

Kristie’s also pretty well known for never leaving the house without clutching a water bottle or Starbucks grandé sumthin sumthin.  She does like to stay hydrated.

Melissa started sweating it out, Kelly became immediately mesmerized by Kristie’s awesome sauce and The One that’s spelled with a C just made some more faces.

(Note:  Moving forward, to avoid any potential Kristie/Christie confusion, Christi with a C will be referred to as Christi.  Just like before.  The bad a** one will just be JLo, because deep down part of me still believes that’s who she really is and that starring in Dance Moms is the real reason she gave up American Idol.)

Up in the MomPerch, JLo threw herself to the wolves and let them have at her.  Melissa continued to pretend that she was not the least bit threatened by Asia, Kelly kept getting the giggles and Christi felt that Asia looked kinda naughty.  Jill couldn’t understand why the Team needed another dancer, Doctor Holly pretty much just phoned this episode in and JLo kept hydrated throughout the inquisition.

She and Asia had just returned from Korea, where they filmed television shows and did whatever it is that tiny little dancers do in Korea.  Asia had been so booked out (…dance term.  Google it, and don’t be jealz…) that she could not even compete in the past season.

That went over really well with the rest of the Moms.

At some point in the midst of all the hilarity, Abby had decided that she was probably going to have her dead dog Broadway Baby stuffed and then either placed on the mantle or mounted to the hood of her SUV because she was having a really hard time dealing with the passing of her puppy.  As the Moms were putting JLo through some freshman hazing on the bus, Abby visited a taxidermy joint to look at zebra heads and realistically posed action figure monkeys to see what they could do with her baby leftovers.

I feel for Abby, because I know how sad it is to lose a pet.  But as much as I loved my childhood dog, I was not in the mood to dust him every week and chase a marble eyeball under the couch every time it popped out.  That just creeps me out.

Save it for the Addams Family.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Abby arrived a little later than usual, due to her taxidermic side trip.  We’ll have to wait and see how that all worked out, even though for a brief second or two I did think that she had somehow magically resurrected Baby and brought him back to Earth in human form until I realized that it was just Asia running around in a puppy costume.  Then I also remembered that Baby had a bad hip and was always being pushed around in that Cabbage Patch stroller, so there is no way that it could have been him backin’ all dat up on stage.

As the competition began, the ALDC did their hallway gladiator stroll to the stage as Malibu John stretched out Nick in probably the most inappropriately awkward manner I’ve seen since I don’t know when.  I know you can’t go in front of an audience and do that one leg up in the ayah ayah thing without warming up, and I am beyond jealous at how easily Nick can whip that thing out and up (…c’mon…his freakin’ leg touches the back of his freakin’ head…) but the whole process almost made Chris Hansen jump out of a locker with some lemonade.

Asia’s solo was Absolut Asia.  Even John smiled.  But he always smiles, so I’m never really sure if he’s in the moment or thinking about his next topless Facebook photo shoot.  But dude can dance like a Boss, so he gets my vote, regardless.

Since we’re cutting out the fluff this week, this is how it all went down.

Even with some sickle feet, Asia pulled out a Best In Show for tail wagging and not peeing on the stage.  Everything else was all Candy Apples.

Gino’s Dancing With The Stars tango duet took First Place, as did the Depression Era “Will Dance For Food” Boy Band routine, which scored a perfect 300.

John almost smiled the teeth right out of his head while Abby percolated to a dangerously high boil in the seat behind him.  Even the ALDC Moms knew they didn’t stand a chance this week as they watched the Apple Cores unleash their boyish charm under that nasty Energy logo.

(Seriously.  Is that supposed to be a dancer’s silhouette on the wall or the outline of a soon to be discovered 52nd state?  Get it together.  I’ve seen how much you charge for entry fees.)

Backstage, Cathy and her posse knocked down the ALDC door and got right up in Abby’s grill as soon as they put all their trophies in the van.

Melissa kept texting (…who is she always talking to?…) as JLo sat back  and let the lights ricochet off her body buttered shoulders.  Seeing the Abby & Cathy Show up close and personal has got to be way more horrifying and entertaining than it is from my couch, so you could tell she was getting a little WTF on her first dance camp sleepover.

After a few pokes from Cathy, Abby snapped and started screaming that the bitch had gone too far this time and, by the way, the bruise from that purse swing had still not healed.  When Abby goes completely postal, all the years of yelling at small children finally catch up with her and her voice cracks in and out like when you try to pick up faraway shortwave radio stations late at night.  So I only got about every other word.

But I could tell she was not happy.

This ain’t over.  It’s War.

And it looks like it might be time to reload and launch some more Asia Bombs.

Boom.