The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Pump It Up! Stomp Your Maloof Hoof On Adrienne’s Fashion Show Runway.Tuesday, November 29th, 2011
Feels like heartache.
Sounds like trouble.
Looks like crazy.
Tastes like chicken.
With all due respect to Giggy The WonderPom…
Oy vey, my aching dawgs I tell you.
It was high drama and even higher heels this week as The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills proved once again that it’s a lot of work being rich and fabulous, and sometimes fashion hurts.
Between tight gowns and über stilettos, it can’t be an easy life they lead. How do they find the time?
Since she doesn’t already have enough on her plate between babysitting her prankster husband Paul and blocking off enough time to glue in a new batch of glitter tinsel hair extensions, this week’s big event was Adrienne’s charity fashion show to launch her new shoe line. But before we got to see Bryant Park recreated in her backyard there were some loose ends to tie up.
First off was a frazzled Lisa trying to figure out how to proof the invitation boxes for Pandora’s wedding, do a taste testing of some food for the guests and still find time to groom Giggy like a mother monkey picking at her baby’s back fur.
Pandora was impatiently waiting for Mum to show up while trying to keep Wedding Planner Kevin Lee from putting the mansion back in escrow. Miss Lee likes to spend clients’ money almost as much as he likes punctuating the end of every sentence with “Dahling…”
Always styling in his tinted aviator sunglasses and quirky haircut, Miss Lee was simply in love with the invites and pretty much fogged up his shades when he figured out his commission on this whole mess.
Having already committed $15,000 on oversized invitations that will not only require additional postage but a fleet of FedEx trucks to deliver, Lisa is suddenly oddly concerned about the wedding going too over the top when they all move into the kitchen for some snacks. The production value of the frozen vodka smoke machine and flaming whatchamacallits was worthy of a Siegfried & Roy Vegas show, but maybe not so much for a prissy British wedding.
The last thing the guests need to see is Lisa Vanderpump coming out of a fog bank like Christine from Phantom of the Opera.
Throughout the entire scene, husband/dog walker Ken sat in dead silence as we watched him lose both the color in his face and the money in his wallet at equal speeds.
Over at Castle Maloof, prep work was being done for the launch of her shoe line.
Adrienne had gathered together a posse of marketing people, shoe guys and Yes Men to show them her ideas.
Since she doesn’t cook (…remember, the woman tried to wash a chicken with Bath & Body hand soap…) there was certainly no need to set the table for guests. Instead she loaded it with all her favorite shoes and explained how she wanted her shoe line to be practical for everyone. Beautiful. But practical.
After stating that fact with a straight face, she proceeded to fondle all her favorite shoes and ogle at the crystal insets and razor sharp ninja heels. She also wanted the Franklin Mint to do a pressing of a gold Maloof coin that will be attached to the sole of the shoe. And then a diamond will be hot glued in the middle of that piece of change.
Tomorrow when you go to the Galleria to pick up socks and underwear, be sure to ask the contingent of MallWalkers rounding the corner by Cinnabon how practical 6 inch platform Louboutins are in the real world. Seriously, Adrienne?
In any other show, on any other channel, that would probably be the most surreal moment of the week and you could just go to bed without even finishing the episode. But not in Beverly Hills, because right on the high heels of all that nonsense we had to go directly into therapy with Taylor and Russell.
Un. Comfort. Able.
Maybe if we had climbed into our Time Machines and gone back to before the whole Russell thing imploded…well, maybe. But since we all know how this thing is going to end, seeing the two of them in therapy was just an exercise in futility and awkwardness.
And it doesn’t say much for the skills or success rate of Dr. Charles, the no-sock-wearing Doctor of Osteopathy either. Tell me he didn’t try every trick in the book to get his scenes cut out of this show before they aired. This week can’t be good for business.
Dr. Charles seems convinced that the flaws in their marriage are due to Russell not making enough time for Taylor in his busy work schedule.
I’m guessing it might also have a little something to do with getting clocked in the jaw, Doc. Ask Camille. And cancel my next appointment while you’re at it, please.
To lighten the mood after Russell looks at his watch for the umpteenth time and has to go back to work, we head out with Kyle and Brandi for our manicures.
They were both blown off by Taylor who set the whole thing up, but since they were already there…why not? Even though Kyle has no patience for Brandi, and Brandi has no filter when she speaks, they both needed a mani and get a little time to bond. It also gives Brandi time for her weekly LeAnn Rimes bashing as she relives the Grand Ole Opry scandal of her Cheatin’ Man.
Brandi would also like to get all the Wives together to try and make nice after all the Game Night drama, Spa Day drama and Son Peeing On The Grass drama, but since she is still rocking that broken foot boot her options are limited. She did come up with one stellar idea that involved bringing her porn star friend over to teach the Wives how to…well…do some porn star stuff like a real porn star.
Screeech. Say wha–?!
Right about then Kyle choked on her gum and two manicurists drank nail polish remover straight out of the plastic bottle.
Brandi needs to work on that whole think before you speak thing, since she has clearly already mastered the porn star thing.
And then it was time to par-tay.
After micro-managing every aspect of the fashion show, driving everyone around her crazy and basically air lifting everything except Heidi Klum from NYC Fashion Week into her backyard, Adrienne was just about ready to launch her shoe line. The whole gang was invited, and she was a nervous wreck.
But before she could enjoy the evening, she needed to clear the air with Lisa, who made the trip all the way across the street for the launch accompanied by ZombieKen and Bazillionaire Mohamed. Even Giggy changed into his formal onesie for the evening.
Adrienne was quick to snag Lisa and pull her aside. Adrienne was nursing some hurt feelings due to the fact that Lisa had not asked to dump the Pandora Party Bus at Adrienne’s Las Vegas club for the bachelorette party. Instead, Lisa opted for a family friend who set them up at his venue. The whole thing got pretty snarky pretty quickly as Lisa claimed she didn’t want to impose while Adrienne pointed out she would have rolled out the red carpet. There was also some conflicting smack talk about why Lisa’s wine was not being served at Adrienne’s casino. He said She said. And so on.
The two of them have been on a slow boil lately, and neither can seem to please the other. I’m hoping this is building to a nice Dynasty Krystal & Alexis kind of thing, because it has been way too long since we’ve seen a decent Koi Pond throw down.
Bring it, bitches. Just bring it.
Camille arrives and is about as excited to see Taylor as Taylor is to see Camille. Hoping that they can avoid each other, neither is paying much attention as they collide at the bathroom door and stand frozen in place trying to figure out what to do next. Kind of like when you bump into your ex-BFF by the lockers on your way to homeroom. After a quick “umm…errr…ahh…talk later” they go their separate ways, sparing us some drama until next week’s Study Hall.
Side note…my new drinking game for this week is to take a shot every time Kyle tugs at her dress. Guess all those Swarovski crystals are weighing you down, honey. Next time you might want to walk around the house for a few minutes to test drive the gown before you get in the limo.
Finally the show starts and everyone sits back to check out these shoes.
Paul sits in the front row with his iPhone like a proud dad at the Holiday Dance Recital. Now I’m glad he is filming his wife’s special moment and all, but not for nothing…doesn’t he see the 12 Bravo cameras and the satellite production van over by the curb? I think the event is covered, dude. Put your phone away, you’re wearing down the battery.
There was good food and good music and theater lighting and an open bar and high fashion for miles.
The only thing missing were shoes.
Most of the gowns, including Adrienne’s were dragging on the ground, so you never got to check out the dawgs.
Adrienne claimed she didn’t want to take the attention away from the charity, which was the main focus.
I’m thinking you should have cut back on the (no lie…!) 19 valets and hired a decent event planner who might have noticed during dress rehearsal that there were no shoes on the runway.
Come on…get Giggy wid it. Pump it up, dahling.