Posts Tagged ‘Lisa Vanderpump’
The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: The Reunion Part Two Is All About Taking Out The Trash, Tweeting The Trash, Talking The Trash & Wearing It.Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
In England we call it Five Upside The Head. You wanna try some of this?
Blah Blah Blah Eddie Cibrian Blah Blah LeAnn Rimes Blah Blah Bitch.
Well look at those things. They’re barely staying in your dress. That’s just gross.
I’d like to see any of them do a split without breaking a hip. Haters.
You Cougar bitches know you’re nothing without me, right?
Mark your calendars.
Mondays are Trash Day.
Don’t forget to bring your trash cans down to the end of the driveway for pick up.
Mondays are also The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Day, and after all your hard work the Wives are bringing that trash right back into your house and dumping it in the middle of your living room.
It was the RHOBH Reunion: Part 2 and this week there was plenty of Trash to pick up.
Trashy Talk. Trashy Tweets. Trashy Outfits. The Trash Trifecta.
For Part Deux we started out with a little Brandi clip montage that was overpacked with more goodies than the top of her signature strapless dress.
Smiley, squirmy King of All Things Reality Andy Cohen showed us how Brandi was initially integrated into this season’s Beverly Hills Housewives scene. Whereas some animals, like abandoned kittens, beached dolphins or seals that have been rescued from oil slicks are gradually introduced back into their new environments, Brandi’s arrival was probably more akin to that of an elephant with one tusk getting dumped out of a plane as it skimmed the top of the trees.
With one stiletto, two crutches and zero filter between her brain and her mouth, Brandi landed in 90210 and hit the ground hobbling.
Blessed with a sailor’s mouth, a cheatin’ ex-husband and a young son able to whip it out and tinkle on any Garden Party before the second course is even served, I think it’s safe to say that Brandi has had a little trouble making friends.
The discussion heads right to the infamous Game Night, when it was Brandi vs. Everyone Else.
You remember that night. Brandi called out Kim for being hooked on Crystal Meth. Kyle blew a major nutty at the accusation and the Richards Sister Act got right up in Brandi’s face, complete with their attempts at sassy VH1 black girl finger waving and Kim’s now infamous “Slut Pig” insult.
Ironically, Brandi didn’t seem to mind the “Slut” part of the insult, because that’s pretty much been her nickname since Junior High. She laughed that part off a lot which led me to believe that somewhere on her body she was wearing at least one article of clothing with “slut” embroidered on it even as the Reunion was taking place.
She and Kyle went back and forth quite a bit on the Game Night fiasco. Both of them owned up to some of the drama with Kyle admitting to being defensive about Kim’s 42 trips to the bathroom, and Brandi pleading guilty to being pushed to the breaking point.
Turns out that after the fact, Kyle had sent Brandi a lengthy text about the whole thing and tried to smooth over some of the…umm…less flattering moments of the evening.
These women text a lot.
Kyle must have the kind of keyboard you can turn sideways and type on, because otherwise who has the patience to type a long text to someone like Brandi? Seriously.
Text or not, there is still no love between these two as Brandi gets into another heated discussion on bullying and Kyle gives her that condescending, look down your nose at people look that she does so well and so often, and that from now on I will refer to as the Kyle Face for ease of reading.
Taylor jumped into the middle of the trash heap by pointing out that Brandi threatened to KILL Kyle or Kim or both. As in take someone’s life. With everything that has gone down in Taylor’s life this year, she is not a big fan of physical abuse and death threats.
Lisa, who somewhere between Hawaii and this week has gotten awfully chummy with Brandi, came to her defense and tried to explain what Brandi meant by “I’ll F***ing Kill You!”
Personally, I thought “F***ing Kill You” was already pretty self explanatory but Lisa felt the need to do some crazy hand waving, sign language kind of thing which would have been way cooler if she had been wearing finger puppets.
Andy decided to break the tension for a minute by letting everyone blurt out their favorite cuss word. I’m surprised Brandi could narrow it down to just one, but somehow she managed. Hearing the (bleeped) out words made Andy giggle like he was in a tree house looking at his Dad’s dirty magazines. I’m starting to think that Andy might actually be an 11 year old boy and Bravo simply sped up his growth rate in a laboratory, because he always has that child like wonderment in his eyes when he hears a potty mouth or sees anything nasty.
And as long as they were talking trash, wide eyed Andy asked them to explain the difference between dressing Sexy and dressing Slutty.
Everyone basically pointed to Brandi while Kyle made the Kyle Face again. No matter what kind of fancy trash bag you use, if you fill it with trash it’s still trash.
Needless to say, it was a pretty quick discussion.
Someone at Bravo must have gotten a new video editing software suite, because next we got the evening’s second montage…this time of Lisa vs. Taylor. You know the one.
The whole “If you can’t be my friend please don’t be my enemy” Tea Party thing where Lisa and Taylor went from not really being friends to Vegas Chippendale booty grinding BFFs. That one.
Taylor admitted to not really understanding Lisa’s snarky British humor and Lisa came across like she had a bit of a Savior Complex. Or more than a bit.
Turns out that part of Taylor’s original issues with Lisa stemmed from all the bad names that Giggy was tweeting.
He’s a dog.
And he was tweeting.
Considering that most sissy Pomeranians that I have come across in my lifetime can’t even hold their pee when you get within 3 feet of them, tweeting is a pretty nifty trick to teach a dog. Point goes to Lisa on that one.
Then Andy decided to toss a grenade into the middle of the room, and confronted Lisa on the rumors that everyone talks about her behind her back.
Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os, Andy.
It was all over the place after that one, in that delightfully high class Beverly Hills meets low class Suburban Mall Mean Girl kind of way that I love so much.
Here’s how it went down. Take a deep breath…
Brandi told Lisa that people who work for Adrienne said that Adrienne talks trash about Lisa behind her back, and the whole thing turned into the Brandi vs. Adrienne Grudge Match.
Brandi and Adrienne went back and forth…and back and forth…and back and forth…on who said what about who and who doesn’t respond to texts, and who only tweets, and who doesn’t respond to tweets or retweet tweets and who invited who to whose Halloween Party and Birthday Party and if Lisa had an ulterior motive for even putting up with Brandi and by the way, how in the (bleepin’ bleep) does Brandi keep those enormous boobs in her dress?
Ok. Maybe one of those things is made up, but it’s up to you to figure out which one. Make it a drinking game or something.
Anyway, good thing there’s a rewind button on the DVR because this thing went on and on.
There were loads of Kyle Faces during this exchange, by the way. Loads.
In a remarkable bit of seemlessly integrated yet unrelated bitching, the whole mess suddenly swung in Camille’s direction as she got sucked into the Black Hole of Trash Talk when she had to point out that Taylor was lying about something or other, and then right back to Brandi dragging the deceased Russell Armstong into the mix. Brandi claimed that Russell told her that Taylor knew about the threatening email he sent to Camille, which almost shot Taylor off the couch before she counter attacked by dragging Eddie Cibrian into the pig pile.
Yup. Time for the weekly Eddie Sucks But Not As Much As LeAnn Rimes Sucks spin out. Brandi can be pretty sloppy when she’s tanked up on Xanax, but you have to admire who ‘nads when it comes to bashing her Ex.
After proudly admitting to slitting the tires of Eddie’s motorcycle, Brandi turns her attack back in Taylor’s face and makes a dig about Taylor’s new book.
Dissing Spousal Abuse and Suicide was probably not in Brandi’s best interest, and if she was famous enough to need a publicist that poor schmo would have a big clean up on his hands tomorrow.
But she’s not. Just ask LeAnn Rimes.
After about a dozen or so Kyle Faces, Kyle felt it was necessary to point out that someone died here, people, but that didn’t seem to have much effect on Brandi.
Watching a dead person all season is one thing, but talking smack about him is another. It got a little creepy for a few minutes until Andy decided to flip it back to some living hot messes.
For the second week Andy glanced over at the pile of pillows that were standing in for Kim while she is rehabbing, and asked Kyle how that whole thing was going.
Not much to report…they must be saving it for the Part 3. Is it just me, or is this thing dragging out longer than a Dancing With The Stars finale?
Not complaining. Just stating a fact.
And by now you should know the rules. If Brandi gets to trash talk Eddie, then Camille gets to trash talk Kelsey Grammer. It’s in the Bravo Employee Handbook.
Slap. And she did.
When Andy pointed out that this year introduced the new and improved Camille 2012 model, it was the perfect opportunity to blow Frasier right off his bar stool.
Camille Grammer. I bow to you. I’m not worthy.
Girlfriend got about as many zings in as she could between commercials. Kelsey didn’t stand a chance.
He also doesn’t stand a chance of ever getting that six pack her new Boy Toy has, so good luck with that one. Again with the zing.
For the soap opera cliff hanger to get us all back next time, Andy revisited the Russell storyline and dug a little deeper into the abuse. He brought up all the uncomfortable stuff, including when the abuse began and how Taylor oddly left a briefcase full of mystery items next to the body where she found Russell.
Then out of left field he casually mentioned that maybe Taylor may believe it was not suicide…but murder?
And then–wha–nothing? It’s over till next week?
Giggy is gonna have a lot to tweet about tonight.
The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: If You Like It Then You’d Better Put A Bling Bling Bling Ring On It, Dahling.Saturday, January 28th, 2012
Mummy? You know it’s supposed to be all about me, right?
I can’t believe she blocked all the exits. I’m trapped.
Suck it in. You’ve got a Vanderpump Rump back here.
You know, I was on The Apprentice. NeNe’s a bitch.
Um…yeah. I’m pretty sure LaToya wasn’t even invited.
Let me tell you, Dahling.
If Barbie was British..and Ken was straight…this is the dream wedding they would have had.
After a season of drama, tragedy, excessive excess, redoinkulously high heels and then even more drama, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills got a break from all that nonsense to celebrate The Real Wedding of Beverly Hills in style.
Lisa Vanderpump saved the best for last as she not only found the money for an over the top yet intimate (?) wedding, but also found a way to make it be all about her instead of daughter Pandora and her squeaky clean fiancé Jason.
All the other Housewives had to step aside or be trampled by the Wedding Express this week as Lisa demonstrated her need for both perfection and lots of pink stuff.
Lots of it.
After months of prep work by Moo Goo Gay Wedding Planner To The Fabulish Kevin Lee, the tennis courts at Villa de Vanderpump were finally converted into Pandora’s Wedding Wonderland, complete with enough flowers to replant most of the barren Rain Forest and a tent big enough to house that new Cirque du Soleil musical show about Michael Jackson.
As a matter of fact, I would not be the least bit surprised if somewhere right outside the Beverly Hills city limits there is a clown on a unicycle crying confetti tears over his missing home.
Lisa gets what Lisa wants when Lisa wants it. Learn it. Live it.
Since Lisa can buy anything she wants except that machine on General Hospital that made it snow in Port Charles back in the Luke & Laura days (..what was that all about, anyway?…) it is already sticky hot as the tent is being set up on the courts. She is stressing about the heat and the schedule, because the day has to be perfect…for Pandora, of course.
Lisa is also not pleased that Foo Fun Guy Kevin is MIA, as he had booked another event beyond the Vanderpump orbit and is nowhere to be found. His assistant seems entirely responsible and capable of unpacking candle votives herself, but Lisa would prefer Kevin and his jazz hands be on the premises 24/7 before the Big Event.
While Lisa and Pandora were neck deep in pink, we got an odd little break from the preparations to accompany Adrienne and Paul to his colonoscopy.
Good to know that he’ll be clean as a whistle at the wedding, but otherwise it was something I could have lived without, thank you. A couple of Louboutoots later and even Adrienne had to walk away.
Back at Vanderville, Lisa is hard at work creating the floral arrangements for the entryway. I have a front door that opens up into my apartment bedroom door.
Lisa has an entryway.
I want an entryway.
Husband/Dogwalker Ken came home for no apparent reason, considering that Lisa would not allow him to touch anything…herself included. After a few minutes of juggling Wonder Dog Giggy, Ken headed back out to wherever it is that he goes when he heads out every day. I personally think that he just drives around the neighborhood until Lisa leaves for Villa Blanca and then he sneaks back in, but I don’t really have any proof to substantiate my claims.
Since most of this episode could have been pulled from any random cable DIY show, there was a lot of cake decorating and flower arranging, and even some cake/floral combo projects.
For a mere $9,500 Lisa had a caravan of cake handlers bring in the wedding centerpiece. Piece by piece. Even Ken came back after driving around the neighborhood to try and help carry in the little top piece of the cake before Lisa made him put it down and go pick up Giggy.
Twenty four dozen roses later and the cake was complete. No Sarah Lee frozen confection for the Vanderpumps, no siree bob. Nothing says money like picking thorns out of your icing.
Somewhere along the line a Bravo TV exec must have realized that they had forgotten to show any other Housewives, because all of the sudden we got to sit through Camille putting on her face for the wedding.
Riveting television. Right up there with the Berlin Wall.
She and her BFF Elizabeth were getting in an impromptu fashion show and some Kelsey bashing before heading out for Pandora’s Big Day.
I love Camille. She can turn a conversation about the price of asparagus into an opportunity to bitch about Kelsey and how he boned her after all those years of marriage. She can flip a zinger in his face without batting a fake eyelash. She is the Queen of Snarky. Bow to her awesomeness.
But let’s get real. As fulfilling as the verbal barbs are, nothing sticks it to a middle aged actor with thinning hair more than his ex dating a Greek Stallion named Demitri.
That’s right. Camille is dating again. And he’s hot. So take that, Frasier.
Then it was Kyle’s turn to primp and decide what to wear.
Just to rub it in my face, half of her designer dresses still had the tags attached. That’s when you know you have too much money.
I want an entryway. And tags on my clothes.
Mauricio tried to coast on his Mexican good looks and not get spanked for forgetting to rent a black tuxedo. He figured that it wouldn’t be a really big deal considering that he has 14 black designer suits and Mexican good looks. Kyle was getting aggravated because this is Beverly Hills, Dahling.
That’s right it is.
Just ask Kevin Lee, who finally decided to grace the Vanderpumps with his Fabulosity.
Newsflash: Two hours before your daughter is to be married is probably not the time to worry about how much money you spent, or if the event is too over the top. And Kevin Lee is definitely not the person to voice your concerns to, since there is no such thing as too over the top in KevinLand.
After stopping the DVR a few times to try and figure out exactly what is going on with his hair, I just took it all in as Kevin motioned and posed and pointed around the tent like he was doing an interpretive dance number.
Raise your Sparkle Fingers.
Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling Shi Shi Shi, Dahling.
And I quote.
Kevin must have also chosen the Mission:Impossible intro muzac that Bravo pumped in whenever the scenes cut back to Lisa’s house. That and what sounded a lot like the theme from Dynasty.
But it’s all good, because it’s…well..you know…Dahling.
It was getting close to show time as Lisa and Pandora and a few stray nameless girls with British accents gathered in their pink robes for hair & makeup.
Somehow Lisa tracked down the Makeup Triplets, who must have been on Craigslist or something, because I wouldn’t even know where to start if someone was looking for triplets who can do airbrush foundations. Seriously. No clue.
Poor second tier son Max made another appearance, with his back pack and mini mohawk. He didn’t get much face time this season which is probably good for everyone involved. Nice enough kid, but he always looks so out of place. Like he and his punk rock garage band were searching for a Beverly Hills Mosh Pit or something and took a wrong turn into Lisa’s backyard.
Lisa always greets him with that “I love you but you’re not my favorite” kind of air kiss and then picks on his clothes or his hair or both. I bet even Giggy tries to pee on his Doc Martens, poor guy.
Lisa and Ken were more concerned about which outfit their sissy dog was going to wear than where their son had been for two months.
Since it was a black tie event and Mauricio was already going to screw it up with his Navy/Or is it Black $4000 suit, Ken had to make sure that Giggy was stylin’. A pink onesie definitely wouldn’t cut it tonight.
Lisa claimed that Pandora desperately wanted her mother to wear a tiara, which no one seemed to argue against for even one second before Lisa plopped it on her head.
Move over Kate Middleton.
Even the housekeeper got the night off, though she did show up in flats much to Lisa’s disdain. I kind of expected Lisa to bend down and make Rosia squirt a little Windex on that tiara before the music started, but she refrained much to my surprise.
Finally Pandora got it together and came down the stairs to get the party started.
Or at least she tried.
Remember that classic Carol Burnett sketch when she came down the stairs as Scarlett O’Hara? With the curtain rod still in her dress?
Yeah. Just turn everything pink.
Apparently Pandy never tried walking in that thing first, because I thought Rosia was going to need a broom to sweep up the mess at the bottom when she tumbled down the stairs. I guess when you have to choose between pretty and graceful, most people choose pretty.
Good thing Rosia had on flats. Just in case.
As Jason stood nervously at the end of the tennis courts, Pandora and Ken wobbled down the aisle. I swear Jason is that J.Crew model who is always paddling a canoe, but again I don’t have any proof to substantiate my claims. But I still swear it’s him.
In an uncomfortable piece of editing, the priest officiating the ceremony had his face blurred out like the perps on Dateline. I’m sure there was another reason for it, but anytime you fuzz out someone’s face I always think of COPS.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
He busted through the ceremony pretty quickly. I’m thinking he must have been in a hurry, but I couldn’t tell if he was looking at his watch or not because of the whole face blur thing.
Adrienne and Paul spent the night on the dance floor parquet cutting a rug, celebrating his colonoscopy I assume. At least I think it was Paul, because it kind of looked like the Brawny paper towel guy with the suspenders. Whoever it was….he be jammin’.
Now I’ll give Bravo some credit. They had to make an entire season out of a story where everyone already knew the ending.
From the first episode when everyone thought there would be cardboard cut outs of Russell Armstrong to the end when they finally kinda sorta tried to deal with the subject, it was just a little strange. Everybody knows what happened.
So the final scene with all the Housewives getting together for snacks, minus Kim…because we also know what’s happening with her, thank you TMZ…was a little surreal.
Taylor was back. Even though she didn’t really go anywhere in TV time. But in real time she did. Everyone just kind of sat around waiting for someone else to tell them what to do or say.
But luckily Lisa was there to direct the attention back to Lisa. We had wedding pictures and hair flicking and a little bonding time.
And they looked fabulous.
And that’s really all that matters.
Because…say it with me…it’s Beverly Hills, Dahling.
See you at the Reunion.