Posts Tagged ‘Liza Smith’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

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Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

mz

 

 

Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.

 

 

hb

 

 

I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.

 

 

js2

 

 

Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.

 

iph6

 

 

Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.

 

 

4dma

 

 

 

My a** she’s 45.

 

 

jmd

 

 

 

No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.

 

 

jh

 

 

They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?

 

 

 

I swear.

Family Reunions are exhausting.  Truly.

Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert:  and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.

Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.

But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.

Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet.  And they even did it in fancy clothes.

After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time.  Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…

Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.

almFrom the start, it was clear that sumthin was up.

Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.

Pretty hurts.  Trust me.

jv

Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.

Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts.  Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun.  And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone.  You see that thing?

anigif_enhanced-16040-1410290361-12

Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.

jsTwo hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel.  Where else did it come from?  That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.

Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.

She’s coming to set!  She’s just sitting in the chair!  She’s got papers!

She’s got explosives!

Beaker

Side note:  Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV?  Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble.  Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.

Q.  How do you like the recap so far, Quad?

tumblr_mnjk67HVyW1ql5yr7o1_500Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.

a1Lawd.  It was gonna be a long hour if this is how she’s playing it.

sheldon-throwing-papers-gifSide note:  The Moms were already seated around Jeff.  No intros this year.  No name tags.  Nothing.  We know them all by now, right?

Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe.  Not gonna lie.  Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on.  Was it just me?

They looked to their right together.

mjAnd then straight ahead together.

mj3And then over there together.

mj2And then gave majorly awesome SideEye together.

mj6When they left the studio after taping, their hats even blew off together.

giphy-1But I love them.  Separately or together.

The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed?  Orchestrated?  Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything.  Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling?  Is that how we do?

Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.

1.  This is Jake from State Farm.  Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_bxbng5tfvvw4ksw048gk040oo_1280.jpg

2.  This is Frank from Nationals.  Why isn’t he drunk yet?

fAbby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter.  Busted, lady.

Moral of the Story:  Jake fixes claims.  Frank doesn’t fix anything.  And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.

Next question:  Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?

Answer:  There was no answer.  But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing.  At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.

(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)

jc

Seriously.  Check the Instant Replay.  42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress.  Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.

Thanks for playing.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.  Buh bye.  Wait.  What?

Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff.  The girls looked good, though.  They’re getting so big.

Next topic:  The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood.  Which is kinda sorta true.

We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits.  We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.

Who knew?

If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook.  My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.

jc1

Side note:  I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness.  Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone.  You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.

And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now.  First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.

Worst.  KissCam.  Ever.

auAnd then we got to relive BraGate one more time.

You remember that one.  That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.

And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time.  You just know it.

But I promised I would not post that photo again this season.  People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42.  So I won’t.

Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over.  Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway.  Same diff.

Plus, Holly loves this gif.  So please do enjoy.

ac63e126f65b565db9bf4f58611bec74.jpgAbby claimed that she didn’t hug Kalani that day because there were so many kids begging for hugs that it went on and on and on for so long that she had to make it stop.

Previously unseen footage from that day in question:

72502-kissing-minions-gif-Imgur-8PBsJess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.

Finally.  Dance Math I can understand.

Side note:  Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.”  Just needed to be pointed out.

And how about these guns, yo?

#HollyArms.haSomebody’s been doing their curls and dips.

True Fact:  I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was.  Because she and I are so tight, you know.

Yes, we’re besties.  But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class.  Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.

And Mama hates waiting around.  Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.

We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.

#HollyHulkSmash.

Here’s a thought:  If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.

Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set.  He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.

Am I lying?  I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.

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Side note:  Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.

hniAnd then we got to see the full premiere of Nia’s new music video!!

Yaaaaaas, Gawd.  #SLAY.

Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.nmFiyah.

tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500Yeah.  What she said.

Side note:  Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen.  Bad memories, I guess.  And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?

Watch him Whip.  Watch him Nene.  Or not.

avFinally, there was just enough time to get Kira married off.

Dat’s rite.  After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose.  Just like on Ellen or something.

I know Jill was excited to see him.  You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap?  Don’t stick your foot in that.  Just saying.

We love David.  He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.

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He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry.  Am I right?  Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?

d1Look at how happy they are.  David even kissed Kalani on the head.

kkAbby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone.  That was strange.  But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho.  You can just tell.

451And then it was over.  Pretty much.

Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.

I dunno.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500 It’s over.  But it’s not over.  And that’s all that matters.

We’re just taking a break.  Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.

Season 5 is in the can.  We made it through another one.  And it’s been a blast.

And that calls for a celebration.

Nia.  Sing us outta here, willya?

See you guys next season!

Muah.

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Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Ends Here. Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out…If You Can Open It.

Thursday, August 13th, 2015

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Imma need you to speak up a little. I can’t hear you over all the sweet bling on my iPhone case.

 

 

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This is the most ratchet Target I’ve ever seen. They don’t even have the grocery store part.

 

 

door

 

 

 

How the #@!! does this stupid thing even work? Is it like a refrigerator door?

 

 

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“Nationals.”

 

 

 

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Oh, look. A head wrap. You might wanna get my agent on your crazy phone before I lose it.

 

 

mcz

 

 

 

#NoMorePigtails.

 

 

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Imma let you finish, but that was one of the most F*** Up emcee jobs of all time. Gimme dat…

 

 

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#Push.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally.

Nationals.

Snuck right up on you, right?

It’s been a long, stressful journey to the finish line.  I don’t need to tell anybody that.

The Road To Nationals was fraught with screaming, crying, competing, quitting and then not-quitting, quitting and coming back, breakdowns, meltdowns, construction delays and enough frequent flier miles to transport all of us to the moon and back at least two times with no additional charge for carry-ons.

Not to mention that somehow there was still enough time to pet a few koala bears, launch two new pop stars into the TweenieVerse and for Kira Girard to get herself pregnant.

Yup.  It was a busy year on Dance Moms.

And now it all comes down to the Center Stage 2015 Nationals.

But no Drinking Game this week.  Sorry.

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I don’t want our younger readers to think that’s all the grownups do during this show.

Because that would be wrong.  Pretty close to the truth.  But still wrong.

And it wouldn’t be physically possible.  Or safe.

Let’s be real.  If you took a shot every time you heard the word ‘Nationals’ this week you wouldn’t have even made it through the “Previously on Dance Moms” and “Coming Up on Dance Moms” loop that ran before the opening credits.  Nationals:  Rinse & Repeat.

And no more photos of Abby in her bra, either.  I don’t even want to see that again.

Which brings us to the new ALDCLA studio space, which was a flurry of activity.

Abby Lee Miller was prepping the final Pyramid of Shame.  The Moms were clearly celebrating Black & White Outfit Day.  And the mysterious, never-seen construction crew was in the midst of another union-related work stoppage because that freakin’ place still wasn’t finished.  How is that even possible?

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With only 15 top spot wins in 25 competition weeks, Abby pointed out that those were not the kind of odds you’d want if you were going to bet on your pony down at the race track.

Side note:  The Big Money is actually on the big horses, not ponies.  Granted, you can still see pony racing at a few locations and on the State Fair Circuit.  And it is kind of funny to watch because from far away they look like a bunch of dachsunds just running in circles they’re so tiny.  But if you’re looking for that Trump Check…go for the big dawgs.

The More You Know.

jv

My MomCrush Jill was concerned that Abby’s recent erratic behavior might somehow negatively effect the team’s chances of winning their fifth straight First Place title at Nationals.  Mama V is pretty smart that way (…Spoiler alert:  Later in the episode she even does math…) but she was willing to give Abby the benefit of the doubt.  For now.

Jessalynn, on the other hand, wasn’t sure Abby even realized that her studio wasn’t completed.  Jess is a straight up hoot and should immediately be given her own spin-off to fill the void during the upcoming hiatus months.  Who do I call?

Assuming the place actually had a roof by Saturday, the Grand Opening of the ALDCLA Studio was scheduled for the same weekend as Nationals.

I know, right?  What could possibly go wrong?

Except everything, maybe?

Not to mention that they would once again be going up against Jeanette Cota and her team of top notch dancers, who had finally secured the proper notarized documentation to legally change their name from Candy Apples to Broadway Dance Academy.

Wait.  What?

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I miss Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her army of Apple Cores.

Especially this little nugget.

159157603dd2f4e278f6a980c398fabcAnd this little Candy Apples temp who gave the best WTF? in all five seasons.

gRemember when Lucas Triana mouthed off to my boy Gavin and GDawg was all like WhoaHoldUpWhatchooSayPunk? and then I started to come to his rescue but his Mama beat me to it like a Boss?

Sing it with me:  Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.  Don’t spit into the wind.  Don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.  And don’t ever call Jo Morales‘ kid a pissy little bitch.

Trust me.  She handled it.  Love her.

JoJo, Mackenzie and Kendall were all on the bottom row of the Pyramid, while Kalani and Maddie held down the Mezzanine.

Which meant that The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the top!!

AAAAAAND scored a solo at Nationals!

Her first one!  Ever!

tq5bMit

After some discussion, of course.

Kira took issue with last week’s child judges and felt that scented markers and sparkle pens didn’t make for legitimate score sheets.  She thought Kalani should have a solo.

Holly felt Nia should have a solo.  Jill felt that Kira should just be quiet and have a seat, but since Kalani’s Mom was already plopped down in that white pregnancy/dental hygienist’s chair, Jill’s arguments against her were pretty much invalid before she even started.  And who only has one chair delivered at a time, anyway?  Wouldn’t it be more cost effective to get them all on the same truck?

This show.  I swear.

Long story short, you also don’t mess with MamaBear Frazier.  Here’s you solo, honey.

Maddie scored the other solo, which didn’t surprise anyone.  And the group routine, entitled ‘The Waiting Room,’ sounded pretty depressing.

We also got a quick flashback to the last four winning National routines, including fan favorites ‘The Last Text’ and ‘Amber Alert,’ which made me realize how tiny those Hyland kids and Chlobird and the remaining Original Recipe niblets were when this show started.

I mean…pipsqueaks.

So cute, tho.

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True Fact:  They’re all sitting on the floor because Mackenzie couldn’t walk yet and they didn’t want to make her feel bad.  I swear.  I totally Googled it on a made-up website.

As the now grown up (…too soon…) girls got to rehearsing, we scooted down the block to check in on Jeanette and her Broadway Candy Academy Company or whatever it’s called now.  Needless to say, the group routine was going to be a direct attack on Abby again, utilizing bullseye targets and sassy attitudes.

The ‘Myth of the Mermaid’ solo spot was going to Ava.  Because, you know…Ava.

Abby Grudge:  Jeanette rehashed the whole Skinny Girl Cocktail Praying Mantis leg thing and took the opportunity to focus Camera #1 on Chloe #2‘s ears one more time.

earsRelax.  As I’ve said a million times before…my ears are bigger than hers, so she’s got nothing to worry about.  Yes, I’ve found that sleeping on your side does help to flatten them out a little, but it really doesn’t matter when you’re an awesome sauce dancer.

And wind sheer is really only an issue if you’re a skydiver or the Flying Nun.  She’ll be just fine if she sticks to pirouettes.  Plus, her Mom is feisty and I like that.

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Back at the ALDCLA, the girls were working through the hospital waiting room theme of the group dance.  They even had a long row of those airport chairs that are always connected together and placed 6 inches too far from the nearest wall outlet.

Is it just me?  I hope operating rooms have better access to electricity than I do when my cell battery goes into the Red Zone.  It’s 2015 people.  Install some plugs or have your planes take off on time.

Did I mention that Abby took off to buy flooring?  Because she did.  Just like last week when she took off to buy flooring.  She’s either buying a s*** load of Lumber Liquidator planks or that place is only open one hour a day.  Jill was not happy and immediately subtracted 1 from 365 to prove that Abby had 364 other days this year that she could have gone shopping.

Vertes Math.

With two days to go, Gianna and her ombré tips took charge of the rehearsals as the Moms went next door for vegan smoothies and whatever else was listed on that gigantic window menu.  That place certainly has quite an array of snacks for a place that just opened.  Please tell me you saw that gigantic bowl of chips the Moms were noshing on.

Baby Mackenzie would so jealous.  She’d rather eat chips than dance.

chWhile the Moms were busy snarfing Pringles, Holly got a call on her cell from Jeanette.

C’mon.  Is there anyone out there besides me who doesn’t have Holly’s phone number on speed dial by now?  And you see that new case?  How can she even hear it ring under all that bling?  I can’t imagine what’ll happen the next time Mikey Minden calls, because I don’t think even a new iPhone 6 right out of the box can handle that much Faaaabulous happening on the exterior and interior at the same time.

Because Mikey is Faaaabulous, you know.

798dd3373a31d07f936eb68e7a6c1fcbThe call was basically just Jeanette being nosey.  And then she hung up.

Side note:  Check it out.  Holly holds the phone like a Real Housewife now.  You know she never did that when she was a principal, because they just don’t do that.  But look at her now.  You go, girl.  Tell NeNe who gon’ check you, Boo.

Mad love for Mama Frazier.  Can’t wait for her Oprah 2.0 talk show to premiere.

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Somewhere around here was also when Melissa stated that Maddie was the most famous 12 year old in the country, which could be true or nah.  I dunno.  Holly’s cellphone gave me such a headache that I forget what happened next.

Back inside the studio, Melissa tried to coax Maddie’s emotions to the surface during her solo rehearsal by asking her to remember the first person she ever knew who died.

Which made her think of Abby’s Mom, Maryann Lorraine Miller.  Which then made her ugly cry and go hug Abby while Kendall photobombed the shot.

kk 2And then…believe it or not…the ALDCLA Studio was finally ready for its Grand Opening.

I swear.

Melissa had clearly never seen anything so beautiful, because after she was done walking around like she was with the band…

vip…she went out back and made the same face you make when you see your Gym Crush in a sweaty tank top for the first time.  This face.

mz4And then this one.

mz5And isn’t that the same frame they had for the photo booth at Melissa’s wedding, just upside down and painted white?  Look at how crazy Christi looks.  We miss her and her partner in crime.  I’m not sure what’s going on with Jill’s hair, tho.  Maybe she wore a hat to the ceremony.  I wasn’t invited, so I could be making some of this up.  Or all of it.

Melissa_Wedding_tumblr_mlfg4nGY6F1reed45o1_500The place was a tweeny bop zoo, packed full of 12 year olds who may or may not have been more famous than Maddie.  Some of them were posing on the Red Carpet, so I’m gonna assume they must have their face on a lunchbox or something.

Do kids still use those?  I bet they’re not metal anymore.

Wilson Phillips even showed up at the event just to skew the age demographics and get Carnie Wilson one step closer to her goal of being on every single Reality Television show in the history of Reality Television shows.

Side note:  OMG.  Austin Mahone just broke up with Becky G after like two months of dating.  And you didn’t think I knew what the kids were up to nowadays.  Gurrrl, pleez.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaFinally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Red Bottom Louboutins and not much else.  Nationals, baby.

Backstage, Maddie was running through her number while Nia got strapped into yet another head wrap.  Just like the one she wore last week.  And the week before.  And every week prior except for that one week when Abby made her wear an afro.

LaQuifa What?

They_Call_Me_LaquifaNot that my girl can’t #SLAY a wrap, but enough is enough.  #WeGetIt.

Jeanette and her mermaid daughter walked into the room for some reason, too.  Probably because it’s Dance Moms.  And we don’t lock our doors.

Nia and her head wrap were first to hit the stage.  She nailed it, even when the music skipped ahead 30 seconds due to some blip in the Time Space Continuum.

tumblr_mloh92FtDe1rjxj9ko1_500Srsly.  How does this keep happening?  Especially at Nationals?

Next up was Ava and her mermaid performance.  I swear she gets taller every time she dances, just like Chloe used to do.  Her splits in the air are ridiculous.  So good.

This week Ava even got her own confessional headshot for the first time.  And head shots are way cooler than ALDC track jackets sometimes.  Look at how different she looks with long hair when she’s not doing those ridiculously amazing splits 10 feet up in the air.

avaThe final solo was Maddie’s ‘Someone Special.’

But not until Abby popped up in her own head shot confessional wearing an outfit that I swore I had seen somewhere before, but couldn’t place…

a2…until I remembered.  And then I was all like Oh.  Hail.  No.

Legacy-of-Star-Trek-Uhura(Feel free to pause here and admit that I totally nailed that one.  I’ll wait.)

Backstage, Abby once again hugged the air out of Maddie’s lungs while forgetting that Nia had even performed on the same stage.  I think she may have acknowledged her performance eventually, but by then I was probably too distracted by Mackenzie wearing pigtails…AGAIN…and couldn’t fully appreciate the moment.

Pigtails and Head Wraps.  And Drugs.  Just Say No.

Both group routines were powerful and well executed.  The Broadway Apple Dumpling Dance Academy flung that bullseye around like sharpshooters while the ALDC did everything but cut off Mackenzie’s pigtails in the Emergency Room.  Maybe next time.

And then the Awards were handed out and it all went downhill.  At warp speed, Captain.

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The emcee was some big guy in a white tuxedo who looked like the waiter who always gets killed first in a Sopranos mob hit.  I think this was his first gig, because he kept boning everything even though he had a script right there in his hands.

Nia took Second Place in the Teen Division, which was still amazeballs, given the amount of time she had to rehearse and the fact that she was wearing another head wrap.  But who really cares when your videos are melting youtube.

Then some person took First Place.  And then the same person won again in the Junior Division.  And then the waiter/emcee took her trophy back.  And then Abby lost her noodle.  And then Melissa lost her noodle because she was sitting too close to Abby when she lost her own noodle.

Imagine how it all went down by the time Maddie came in second to Ava and the whole Waiting Room Dance flatlined at Second Place.

What is this?  We need to walk out.

Abby.  Went.  Crazy.  Pants.

Crazy.  Stretch.  Pants.

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She started asking the ENTIRE audience if they paid to get in the building.  And if they did, they needed to ask for their money back.  It was fixed.  It was a mess.  She even motioned for the girls to exit the stage before the awards were over so they could all run out of the building like she just smelled smoke in the theater.

What the what was happening?

com-abed-realizationJill, Melissa and Kira bolted out the door with Abby and Gianna, leaving Holly and Jessalynn all alone in the front row with their mouths hanging open.  Who does that?

Everyone was running in every direction like I don’t know what.  Abby was so hysterical she couldn’t even figure out how to open the auditorium’s back door that was clearly marked with an EXIT sign and a gigantic push bar.

Bonus points to Gianna for just walking past her with her Louis bag and hitting the road.

One more second and I swear Abby was gonna go through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

Or this Muppet guy.  But in the other direction.

wall crashIt was a hot mess.

Holly didn’t even know what to say.  For a few minutes, anyway.

Then she had plenty to say.

n1Did I mention that Nia and Holly both had a lot of the same #Faces this week?

Because they did.

And then it was over.

For the day.  And the season.  And maybe for who knows how long.  This kind of chaos could have some serious repercussions in the Hollywood Hills.  With a new business that’s barely 12 hours old and a team in shambles, it’s anyone’s guess what lies ahead for the ALDC.

Maybe we’ll find out next week on The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh.

For now, take a deep breath.  We made it.

Nationals are over.

See you at the Reunion.

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