Posts Tagged ‘Maddie Ziegler’

Dance Moms: Live From Ohio…It’s Saturday Night! With Maddie Gone, It’s Mackenzie’s Time To Shine. Or Is It?

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

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You can wear my feather vest for your little dance, sweetie, but I’ll need it back when you’re done.

 

 

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I know, right? It’s 40 below and we’re out here wearing glitter tube tops. I swear this show is crazy!

 

 

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Sitting here all afternoon made me hungry. I could sure go for some cake right about now.

 

 

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I’m waaay smarter. But apparently nobody wants a Spelling Bee Champ to host stupid SNL.

 

 

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I don’t care if it is Black & White Day. Mama paid good money for these brown boots, ‘kay?

 

 

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So I told the lady at the Kelly Hyland Bakery Shop to just slap her damn face on a cake. Literally.

 

 

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I don’t know about you, gurl, but Imma ’bout ready to cut a CD and blow this popsicle stand.

 

 

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I certainly wouldn’t have had such a big lunch if I’d known they were gonna be serving tasty cake.

 

 

 

So much to do.

You know how it is right before you go on a big trip.

Between setting itineraries, packing up all your bling and coordinating transportation to the airport, there’s barely enough time to catch your breath, much less recreate the Closing Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics or pick on an innocent child’s floppy ears.

But somehow, Dance Moms managed to get it all done this week.

And still have time for cake.

With only seven days to go before ALDCLA: The Sequel, everyone was running in circles trying to get it together before the action shifted back to the West Coast.  After a less than stellar showing the last time they hit the Hollywood Hills, Abby Lee Miller was determined that the team leave Pittsburgh with one more win under their belt.

Which meant that this week’s World-Class Talent Experience was more important than ever to Abby.  Not only because it was being held on enemy turf (…Ohio, home of Canton’s Jerky King and the Evil Dance Lair know as Candy Apples…) but also because she just hates losing.  Period.

With so much to do there wasn’t even time to scotch tape any head shots up on the mirror for the Pyramid of Shame, so in an oddly unscientific Facial Recognition Experiment, Abby just held up each photo like a flash card until someone finally recognized their own outfit and snatched it out of her hand.  She said it was supposed to be like Chorus Line, but it reminded me more of when Cornelius and Zira first splash landed on Earth from the Planet of the Apes and got put into that psych lab to see how smart they were.

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Spoiler Alert:  Education played a big role in this week’s episode.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  I think this one might have happened before the opening credits even finished, because as soon as the show started we already knew that Maddie was in New York rehearsing for an upcoming Saturday Night Live performance with her new bestie Sia.

Side note:  Did we ever figure out who babysits Maddie while she’s off on all these solo road trips?  I forget.  I know she’s not old enough to have her own credit card for Ramada check-ins yet.  And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually stay at Sia’s house, though imagining them both going to sleep standing in a corner facing the wall does make me laugh.  I’m just curious, that’s all.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  She’s my MomCrush, so she could put a Target bag on her head and I’d still think she was da bomb.  But she did have it going on this week.

Holly Frazier Fashion Watch:  Wait.  What?  Check your rear view mirror, Jill, because Dr. Beyoncé was giving us Rachel Zoe SohoBohoBigHat Realness this week.

Oh.  My.  Gawd.  It was Ba.  Na. Nas.  Bananas.

Kendall Vertes Fashion Watch:  An unexpected winner.  When your double Boo Boo Kitty animal print band-aids not only match your outfit, but also every outfit on every member of your dance troupe, than your fashion game is on point.

JoJo and MackZ scored solos for the upcoming competition, as well as getting to dance in the Spice Girls group number.  Tell you what I want.  What I really, really want.

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Yup…’ello Govnah.  Those Spice Girls.  And it worked perfectly.  Like the real Spice Girls were somehow magically shrinky-dinked down into pee wee size and then spit back out onto the dance floor.

Kendall:  Posh Spice.  Kalani:  Sporty Spice.  Nia:  Scary Spice.  JoJo:  Baby Spice.

Mackenzie:  NotMaddie Spice.

Kidding.  She was Ginger Spice.  But it did open up a whole new MomPerch discussion on who Mackenzie really was…or would be…if she got the opportunity to step outside of Maddie’s ever widening shadow of stardom.  MackZ?  Mackenzie Boo?  Just Plain ol’ Mackenzie?  Kenzie?  The Other One?

Even her solo was going to be an introspective owl-themed ‘Hoo Are Yoo?’ routine that would hopefully address the issue.  Clearly, ever since Maddie put on that white wig and hid behind the living room drapes, tiny Mackenzie has been suffering a bit of an identity crisis.  We love her, tho.  What we need is a Girl Party to prove it!

As the girls got to rehearsing, we scooted over to Ohio to meet yet another choreographer for the Candy Apples.  I think this one was Cathy’s sister-in-law.  Or pharmacist.  Or Uber driver.  I forget.  She goes through them faster than I go through Twitter followers.

(And srsly?  You’re gonna unfollow me because I made a One Direction joke?  I’m pretty sure you’ll never date Zayn Malik whether he stayed in the band or not.  And aren’t you the same person who was gonna marry Justin Bieber two years ago?  Whatev.)

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Back in PA, the Moms were concerned that the Spice Girls routine was perfect for prepping the girls for another LA adventure, but not necessarily something that could win against a Candy Apples team that was hand-picked by Abby and then tossed to the curb during last season’s Open Call Auditions.  The general consensus was that Abby was setting the team up to lose when Maddie was MIA.  Because the contract clearly states that the team is not allowed to lose when Maddie is participating in the dances.

It’s in there.  I swear.  Right before the paragraph about slapping the studio owner.

(You might wanna hold that thought for a couple more minutes.  Trust me.)

Side note:  When Holly said “Who knows what it can reach” they close captioned her like she was Honey Boo Boo Child or something.  What was that all about?  She’s the only one I ever understand on this show.

During the conversation, it should also be noted that Melissa slipped in and out of consciousness a number of times, robotically repeating “She’s Abby Lee Miller We Must Assimilate” over and over like she was some kind of PittsBorg.

(That’s a freakin hysterical Star Trek reference that I don’t have time to explain, BTW.)

With two days to go before the competition, things were heating up.  Except in Ohio, where it snowed the entire time.  Anyone notice that?  Total white-out snow emergency in Canton while the fall leaves were still piling up in the ALDC potholes back in Pittsburgh.

Global Warming, kids.  The More You Know.  Education.h

And don’t even get me started on when Cathy slammed my girl Nia’s dance skills.  “All my Candy Apple dancers are amazing.  I don’t have any Nias”.  AwHellNah.

Guuurl, you do NOT want me to take off my Rachel Zoe hat right now.

Side note:  I’m still patiently waiting for the Dance Moms spin-off based on whatever Ohio beauty parlor it is that still does those haircuts and dye jobs.  Because that show would be off the damn chain.  I would watch that show so hard.

And then Abby basically blamed home schooling for MackZ’s inability to remember four minutes of choreography and now I’m just waiting for my entire website to slow down.

Because that totally happened last time when everyone on both sides of the argument started fighting over the pros and cons of homeschooling in the comment section.

Thanks a lot, Abby.  I might as well just call my tech guy now and get in the queue.

Side note:  In the heat of the battle, Melissa blurted out that Mackenzie was a lot smarter than Maddie educationally.  Really.  They should have subtitled that one instead, because I was totally all like WhatDidSheJustSay?  I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it to sound the way it came out.  And you know how Lifetime loves their new editing software.

You could tell Holly wanted to smack her on the nose with a rolled up PhD thesis.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

And time for those screaming sidewalk kids I love so much.  That little one trying to get a high-five out of Abby almost burst whatever that vein in the side of your forehead is called.

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Side note:  How how about Tessa‘s Mom and that red cocktail dress?

Dang, Reneé.  Somebody does Pilates.  I was going to say something about her hair and maybe point out that she was wearing the same Jack the Ripper throat slash choker again (…does she sleep in that thing?…) but then I got a load of those guns and now I’m all set.

Moving on.  Fast.

MackZ’s ForTheLastTimeI’mNotMaddie dance went really well.  She still did that handstand in a circle thing a billion times, which I thought we had already agreed made her routines seem too juvenile and would be removed going forward, but maybe I made that up in my head.  I’m more jealous that I can’t do it than I am concerned about her actually Bringing Bumble Bee Back…but, still.

Jessalynn, who somewhere along the line stopped being a complete whack job and started making more sense than anyone in my circle of friends, pointed out that those kind of tricks aren’t really cute once you grow up.  Since I still get very uncomfortable every Thanksgiving when my Aunt busts out her handstand in a circle thing right before we say Grace, I have to side with Jess on this one.

JoJo’s ‘Fancy’ solo was custom built for her, even though I’m not a big fan of MC Hammer pants.  She was definitely Too Legit To Quit.

Side note:  Did anyone else notice that Cathy brought Abby’s book into the dressing room when they first showed up?  And that the book was propped up on Abby’s table for the remainder of the episode like Teresa Giudice‘s cookbook?

If you don’t watch Real Housewives of New Jersey…One:  Shame on you, Danielle, you prostitution whore.  And Two:  Teresa has her books propped up all over the kitchen counter like she lives in a freakin’ Barnes & Noble or something.

Except for now.  Because she’s in jail.  Oops.

Pay your taxes, kids.  Education.

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Side note:  We should probably talk about the Ohio Department of Tourism video they flashed between scenes that showed a baby goat or whatever it was just trying to have some lunch while that other goat-looking thing photobombed the picture.  I swear, sometimes I just need to lay down when this show is over it’s so good.  Hilarious.

The ALDC group routine was Mini Spice Girls all the way.  Or as I like to call it, Nia and her Backup Dancers.  Any time it’s a jazzy, hip hop pop kinda thing it’s always hard to take your eyes off Sasha Nia.  Werk.

All the girls did great, but….seriously.  LaQuifa What?

To finish off the contest, the CADC hit the stage with some of Abby’s leftover dancers, some of Abby’s leftover choreography and a whole bunch of freshly baked Apple Attitude.

They did amazing.  I’ll give props where they’re due.  When I hit the klub I still prefer to bust out my fave pop moves vs. lyrical, but I’ll still give a nod to a group that gets it done.

Unfortunately, so will the judges, who awarded the Candy Apples dancers First Place in the group category, totally overshadowing JoJo and MackZ’s One/Two sweep.

Backstage, it went exactly as you would expect it go after an ALDC loss.

Back Story:  Little Chloe Smith (…seriously, is this franchise contractually obligated to always have at least one Chloe or Christy on the payroll?…) is one of the new CADC dancers who was at one of the random ALDC Open Call auditions last year.  She is an amazing dancer with some pretty amazing ears.  And that’s not a diss.  You’ve all seen my childhood bow tie picture by now, so that scores me one Get Out Of Jail card.

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And honestly, the whole ear thing isn’t really ever any issue unless the wind is blowing straight at you from behind.  But regardless, at the audition Abby had told her to get her ears pinned back which was totally not cool at all.  Unless you plan on performing with your head out a moving car window the entire time, I can’t even think of a reason why anyone would tell a child to do something like that.  But Abby did.

So remember that part for later.

Back to backstage.

Cathy and all the gloating CADC Moms showed up in Abby’s dressing room with one of those Elmo Birthday Cakes from the grocery store.  Except that it wasn’t anybody’s birthday.  And it wasn’t even Elmo on the cake.  It was Abby’s face from the night that Kelly Hyland slapped her silly and ended up on TMZ.

Side note:  If you’ve never viewed that scene, or need a refresher, I highly recommend you relive the moment if for no other reason than to watch Dr. Holly Frazier take charge of all the children in the building like the roof is about to collapse on top of the entire team.  As I’ve said many times before, if Holly had been on the Titanic everyone on board would have made it into the life boats and been home by sunrise.

Holly doesn’t do drama.  And she certainly isn’t gonna get her hair wet.

Cathy brought in the cake and offered to cut Abby a big slice or stick the fork directly in her eyeball.  Her choice.  Needless to say, Abby got herself up and headed towards the door, turning just long enough to whisper “Get those ears fixed” before exiting the room.

Again.  Not cool.  At all.  Even the ALDC Moms were horrified.

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But this time, Choe’s Mom Liza fought back.

Not gonna lie.  When she shoved the other CADC Moms out of the way and headed down the hallway after Abby, I was kind of hoping for a rumble.  Sadly, it ended up being more of a Power Walk down to the Sears store at the other end of mall.

Clearly, neither of them are gonna qualify for the Pittsburgh Marathon this year.

But they still got some screaming in.  Quite a bit, actually.  Cathy even joined in on the Not-Birthday Party and called Abby a horse.

Back in the dressing room, all the ALDC Moms came to Chloe’s defense and it was really nice to see.  Competition aside, they’re all still Moms.  And no Mom ever wants to see a child get their feelings hurt.  It’s a Mom Thing and proved that sometimes you have to stop being a Dance Mom and just be a Mom Mom.

It’s called doing what’s right, kids.  Education.

Everyone rallied around Chloe and told her how amazing she was.  They were worried about her.  I was worried about her.  And the cake, too.  I was worried about the cake.

I still don’t know what happened to it when Cathy put it down to chase after Liza and Abby.  And that concerns me greatly.  I just hope they had dessert.

Cake always makes me feel better when people make fun of my ears.

And then it was over.

Time to go home and pack up all your sassy hats.

Because we’re going back to Hollywood, mmmkay?

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Dance Moms: Looks Like The Candy Apples Sanitation Department Found Some Good Stuff In Abby’s Garbage.

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015

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I swear. I saw all those old wannabe Moms on Twitter and I was all like ‘AwHellNahDurrp.’

 

 

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Hi, Staples? I’d like to order some name tags, because I have no clue who these kids are anymore.

 

 

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Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy…and Crazy.

 

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What do you all think? Does this dress make me look like Kim Kardashian or what? C’mon!

 

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I honestly don’t even know what to say anymore. How about we just talk about my hair?

 

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Hi, Candy Apples? TMZ here. Is your old refrigerator still running? You better catch it. Suckah.

 

 

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This blog wears me out. As opposed to “Wear ‘Em Out,” which is available soon. Holla atcha!

 

 

 

Welcome.

Before we begin, two quick programming notes.

At tonight’s performance, the role of the Candy Apples Competition Team will be played by a whole bunch of brand new people hungry for screen time who have never been part of the Ohio-based dance studio and clearly do not claim a 44708 zip code on their state taxes, much less even know how to get there without accessing their mini-van’s GPS.

And for those of you with the munchies, the snack bar will remain open throughout intermission serving a wide variety of questionably homemade tastiness direct from Canton’s own Jerky King, as well as whatever GoGo Juice is in those gigantic paper coffee cups that the Pittsburgh Dance Moms are always clenching in their sweaty palms.

Now please do enjoy the show.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Let’s get this one out of the way early, too, because there were so many SiaWannaBeYa Moments that I reset my DVR schedule just in case this thing went into overtime.  I thought for sure we were looking at an expanded 90 minute episode this week.  If you were screaming along with Pee Wee Herman‘s Secret Word or taking shots every time someone said “Sia” it was going to be a long night.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Elastic Heart Reference:  There was a new one, too.n

But hold that thought for now.  You’ll see.

With only two weeks to go before the team heads back to LA for another attempt at stardom and ALDC franchising, Abby was more determined than ever to regain her spot at the top of the dance charts.  After a less than stellar showing the first time they all hit the West Coast, it was now officially Game On.

After the Pyramid of Shame, of course.  And some social media buzz.

As the gang all stumbled into the studio for their assignments, everyone was celebrating the release of Maddie‘s second musical collaboration with Sia.  (Scream or take a shot now and then go stand in a corner facing the wall.  Repeat as often as necessary throughout the remainder of the episode and then see how you feel in the morning.)

The ‘Elastic Heart’ video had just hit the internet and was already causing quite a stir online, most likely due to Shia LaBeouf rolling around shirtless inside a bird cage with a tweeny bop girl in a flesh-colored onesie.  But that’s just my guess.

Honestly, Shia LaBeouf is crazy enough when he’s just walking the Red Carpet on E!, so putting him inside a pet carrier only seemed to magnify his crazy pants.

If he had been wearing any pants, I mean.

Side note:  We’ll be skipping the actual Pyramid this week due to so much juicy goodness squished into one episode.  Maddie was on top again, tho.  And all the girls were paired up in duets to celebrate ‘Elastic Heart.’  There you go.  Up to speed.

The video was abstract.  And edgy.  And provocative.  And pretty much made absolutely no sense to the majority of people who Googled it on youtube.  But that didn’t stop everyone from having an opinion.  Which is the first rule of being an art piece, right?r

Lady Gaga 101, people.  Der.

(The video is even posted up there next to this recap.  Feel free to roll on the floor to your elastic heart’s content if you’re one of the 7 people with dial-up who haven’t seen it yet.)

And speaking of rules.  The first rule of being a Real Housewife, whether you’re New Jersey, Atlanta or Pittsburgh-based, is to always snoop each other’s personal cellphones, right?  Because that’s totally what the other Moms did to Kira when they noticed a social media posting on her iPhone from the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.

Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had just created yet another new competition team.  Really.

Side note:  Can’t you just picture a room full of Cathy’s cast-offs, all sitting around in a circle talking smack about Candy Apples after she tosses them to the curb?  I don’t know it would be in a community center, rehab facility or a psychiatric ward, but I can totally see Lucas Triana swearing at my little buddy Gavin Morales while Anthony Burrell just sits there in an Asia Monet Ray Tour jacket trying on hats.

And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

This time around, Cathy had pulled all the old audition tapes from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and sent out e-vites to anyone who hadn’t made it to the finish line.  Like an AUDC Reunion Show without Robin Antin bragging about the Pussycat Dolls.

Because she created them, you know.mel

The biggest stand-outs in the ‘New’ CADC were AUDC alums Haley Huelsman and Tessa Renée Wilkinson.  Tessa’s Mom Renée was wearing one of those tight razor sharp chokers that look like the Bride of Frankenstein scar you get when you attach a random head to someone else’s body and Haley’s Mom Melanie‘s KrazyHair was still wet after two years.

Side note:  Those of you who have followed this mess of a blog for a while know that I’m still waiting for Melanie to reimburse me for knocking over my soda in a food court when she was in Boston for a dance competition.  True Story.  With those bling-ed out Mom Jeans and giant purse I suppose I should have seen her coming, but I was too busy Googling ‘Who Is Sia?’ to put up my Force Field in time.

But now I know who Sia is.  And to never leave a diet coke too close to the edge of a plastic tray when the Huelsmans are in town.

Oh.  And Abby hates Melanie because I guess she and her daughter showed up at one of Abby’s book signings and apparently stood in the parking lot signing the same book out of the trunk of their car because Haley was mentioned in a footnote or something.

This show.  I swear.

Side note again:  And how about that giant mosquito statue they showed when we visited the Candy Apples Dance Center?  Only in Ohio would the Tourism Department make a point to highlight a seasonal bug infestation.

Remind me to book a room at the Motel 6 in the middle of a rainy August.

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Did I mention that So You Think You Can Dance winner Chehon Wespi-Tschopp was back again as the CADC guest choreographer?  Because he was.  And it was clear that the Moms were digging his smoldering Telenovela Side Eye.  That one with the short hair looked like she could get a little randy with our boy after a few Jose Cuervos.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point.  Sometimes, tho, I worry that her resting body temperature might be a little low.  Especially when she’s completely wrapped up like an Eskimo in one of her signature fur vest and boot ensembles while the rest of the ladies are up there in the MomPerch chillaxing in frilly little Kohl’s tops.

I’m also thinking that maybe those are ice fishing holes out in the parking lot and not pot holes as we’ve been led to believe all this time, because then her outfit makes complete sense.  I love my MomCrush.

Probably even more so now that I know she can gut a Trout.

(And how good does her hair look way up at the top there?  Dang.)

As the ALDC girls rehearsed their ‘Get A Clue’ Hasbro board game routine, Jessalyn decide to give Tessa’s Mom a quick call to get the 411 on the Candy Apples situation.

They already knew each other from AUDC and who knows what else, so Jess figured it would be a quick and easy way to get the dirt.  Until Renée picked up on her end and told Jessalynn to “Get a F***ing Life” that is.  Then not so much.

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Ouch.  Good way to answer the phone when those Florida Timeshare telemarketers call right in the middle of dinner with the family, but probably not cool when it’s an old friend.

In the midst of all this chaos, Melissa was still just as busy as ever pimping out Maddie’s accomplishments.  Can’t blame her.  The girl is on fiyah right now.

But I did find it hilarious that after bragging about Entertainment Tonight, the Ellen Show and every other Hollywood Access Insider Outsider Entertainment TV news magazine she could name drop in one breath, we ended up watching Maddie give an interview to the Murrysville Star, which is one of those free grocery store Pennysaver papers where you can find coupons on insulated double hung windows and complain about how they just closed another post office at the same time.

I’m pretty sure the dude who did the interview also brought his Mom as photographer.

Not to be outdone, Holly snuck down to the front desk and called up Aubrey O’Day again.  I love that Holly has taken on Nia’s career as her new full-time job.

I also love that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial.  And that Aubrey was on Celebrity Apprentice.  And that I bought a mark-down Donald Trump tie one year at Macy’s and used the restroom at Trump Towers on the same day.  And I even watched American Idol the year that Clay Aiken lost.

And Clay totally went all Drama Queen on Aubrey on Celebrity Apprentice.

The Circle of Life.

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I know, right?  It’s like Holly and Aubrey and I are only separated by like 976 Degrees of Separation now.  We could totally be BFFs if Lifetime didn’t have such tight security during filming.  Or so I heard, I mean.

Aubrey wanted to talk to Nia (…not me, apparently, but Nia…) so Holly scooted down the hall and pulled her out of rehearsal, which caused all kinds of MamaDrama upstairs.

Which was pretty much the exact same thing that happened to Maddie the following day when Entertainment Tonight finally broke down the studio door and rushed the room with a full entourage of camera guys and fuzzy microphone sticks.

But it was Maddie, so it was ok.

Full Disclosure:  Melissa did acknowledge that it was pretty much the same thing that she had just chewed out Holly for doing.  But it was still different.

I love Holly’s HollyFaces when she gets all ‘HollySayWhat?’

I also like that she seemed a little happier this week.  Dr. Beyoncé still isn’t getting the support she feels she deserves from her friends regarding Nia’s relationship with Abby, but with Nia’s musical career starting to take off she has enough to keep her occupied.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nia’s Australian concert.  Just saying.)

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for the CADC ladies to sneak into the ALDC green room before Abby’s dirty bus pulled up to the bumper.

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(Seriously.  You’re going to be on national television.  Nobody could get a garden hose and wash down that bus?  Is that even legal to be transporting young children when you only have two little peep holes in the windshield?)

And who knew that there were bagels behind all those wrinkly fabric backdrops every week?  Bagels.  All kinds of them.  With cream cheese.

Needless to say, Abby and her team busted the CADC Moms before they could snarf down any snacks and sent them on their way after a brief throw down.

I really can’t explain Melanie’s hair or Renée’s one shoulder cut-out recital concert ensemble during the festivities.  You should probably go back and check the DVR.  That way you could also see the Jessalynn vs. Melanie grudge match reignite right there in the middle of the floor.  When you’re hair is as crazy as your mouth, it makes for good TV.

Kendall and JoJo did a ‘Freaky Friday’ routine where they switched bodies and hair bows.  After five seasons of Dance Moms headgear never staying attached, it was pretty impressive that Kendall was able to snatch JoJo’s holiday accessory right off her head so quickly, clip it into her own hair, do an upside down whatchamacallit and still keep the ginormous thing in place for the remainder of the dance.

Bonus points from this judge if that counts for anything.

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Nia and MackZ (…she’s still MackZ, right?…) were up next with a creepy little girl in the neighborhood kind of thing.  It was pretty powerful even before Nia served Face.

Werk.

Naturally, right before Maddie and Kalani hit the stage for their ‘Walking Through The Storm’ duet, Melanie decided to blow a nutty on Melissa right there in the audience.

Clearly, Haley’s Mom is not a big fan of provocative music video art pieces.  Or hair conditioner.  But leave it to Kira to come to the rescue as she turned to face the entire auditorium and got the crowd cheering for Maddie’s performance.

Or maybe it was for Kira’s new low cut dress that proudly proved to all of Michigan that Arizona has way more to offer vacationers than just a humidity-free dry heat.

Or maybe both.  I dunno.

But they were definitely on their feet for something when Kira turned around.

By the time that both teams had performed their group routines, it was anyone’s guess as to how the whole thing was going to play out.  Everyone felt that they were going to win.

But somebody has to come in Second and be the First Loser, right?

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Once again, Candy Apples drew the short straw.  Second Place.

Which meant that once again, the ALDC took the First Place trophy.  All three top duet spots also got snagged by the ALDC and Abby couldn’t have been happier for a change.

Backstage, all the Candy Apple Moms cried and vowed revenge on Abby.  The whole thing was very emotional.  And traumatizing.  Especially when Melanie hugged Cathy.  It was almost too much KrazyHair for me to handle in one serving.

Across the hall in the ALDC room, the atmosphere was definitely much lighter as everyone celebrated their wins.  Plural.

There was still an underlying division between the Moms, but it definitely felt like they might be able to work it out a little bit during the upcoming Hollywood trip.

But only time will tell.  This is Dance Moms, after all.

For now, it was back to Pittsburgh to put another trophy on the shelf.

And watch that video again.

You know the one.

PW

Dance Moms: Girl, Pleez…Do Not Even Tell Me This Is Nia’s Last Chance. It’s All About Those New Rules In Philly.

Wednesday, March 18th, 2015

aj

 

 

Here you go, Sparky. I just need you to keep the tags on in case you go crazy pants on me again.

 

 

hn

 

 

She was all up in my face and that nasty perfume Jill keeps buying her was burning my eyes.

 

 

jess

 

 

Like I’ve only been Holly’s BFF for 12 minutes and she already flat ironed my bangs. Besties!

 

 

mann

 

 

I wasn’t even paying attention, but doing a Manicure Dance sounds awesome. I hope it’s Acro-crylic.

 

 

nf

 

 

 

Srsly. My life, tho.

 

 

nh

 

 

 

Mommy loves you, Baby. But nobody touches my hair when it’s on point. You know the rules.

 

 

m1

 

 

 

This is why I quit doing the windows at Macy’s. These things weigh a ton.

 

 

 

With apologies to Billy Joel, of course.

It comes down to reality (…TV…)

And it’s fine with me ’cause I’ve let it slide.

Don’t care if it’s Chinatown or on the Riverside.  Or even Philly, actually.

I’m in a New York Dance Experience State of Mind.

Or outta my mind, maybe.

That would depend on which Dance Mom you talk to, I guess.

After getting back some of their post-Hollywood mojo and unleashing a beatdown on the Candy Apples last week, Abby Lee Miller and Company were ready to see if lightening could strike twice with a trip to the New York Dance Experience competition in beautiful downtown Philadelphia.  Because Philly ain’t just for cream cheese anymore.

Apparently, due to its proximity to NYC, Philadelphia is now crawling with Broadway wannabes who like their critiques LIVE and instantaneous.  At least according to Abby, anyway, because that’s how this latest event was going to work the score sheets.

You dance.  And then you stand there while the judges give you tough love.

Yikes.

mkz

Clearly, the team was going to have to be on their A Game for this one.  Maybe even their A Plus Game.  But not before the Pyramid of Shame.

Because rules are rules.

As everyone stampeded into the studio, it was clear that there was still a division between the Moms.  But why?

Holly blamed it on Jill and Melissa‘s lack of support and for them not having her back when it came to all the seemingly endless conflicts with Abby.  Kira blamed Jill and Melissa because of that time Jill swore at her and she misinterpreted it as talking s*** about her kid, I think.  I forget exactly how it all went down.  But there was definitely a lot of bleeping during that conversation.  And something about credit fraud.

I remember that part.

Jessalynn blamed Jill and Melissa because somehow between the end of last week’s episode and the opening credits for this week she had become Holly’s new BFF.

F’realz.  They were like totes Besties now.  OMG.  And I was like so jealz.

Personally, I blame MattyB, because nobody should be that young and that famous.  He literally tore apart three friendships and his hair didn’t even move.  That ain’t rite.

As everyone fell into position, each girl carried in one of those 5 x 7 note cards that my boy Andy Cohen always holds during Real Housewives Reunion Shows and I got myself a little worked up that Teresa Giudice had somehow broken out of prison and was hiding out in Pittsburgh.  Because that would have been awesome.

Psych.

ab

Abby had just assigned everyone homework.  And the class was  Freshman Hazing 101.

Suddenly, it was Rush Week at the ALDCFU Sorority as each girl read something good and something bad about Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo until she cried.  And I’m not making that up.  And I make up a lot of stuff.

There was even a CNN satellite truck stuck in one of the potholes outside the building, getting ready to break into the broadcast with another story on how out of control the Greek system is on our college campuses today.  But they couldn’t.

Because of the potholes.  Five seasons later.

But all the emotional scarring was worth it in the end when Abby announced that BowBowJoJo was finally, officially (…albeit kinda sorta temporarily…) a member of the ALDC Team!  Really?  Now way.  Way.  Really.

Come on down and get your track jacket, you crazy NutJob!

The sacred jacket.  I swear.  That’s what Abby called it.

I don’t know what makes it sacred.  Or how sacred it really is, but I’m going to assume it’s somewhere between that religious Shroud on CNN and the eBay potato chip that looks like Elvis Presley.

Side note:  What are the chances that Dance Moms and CNN would both be on the same cutting edge when it comes to story lines lately?  That’s two Breaking News Bulletins already and we haven’t even revealed the Pyramid.

mz

Which was just a straight line with Maddie‘s picture on top, BTW.  So there you go.

This week Maddie, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Maddie was going to be a mannequin.  Kendall was going to dance like that lady with the big hat who dragged her steamer trunks up the loading ramp onto the Titanic and Nia was going to place in the Top Five with her ‘Color Purple’ routine or never get a solo again.  Because Abby said so.

Poor Sasha.  She just can’t cut a break with that lady lately.

I’m thinking that Nia is the new Chloe.  Who was the new Paige.  Who was the new Brooke.  Abby always seems to need at least one chew toy to gnaw on each season.

Golly, I miss those Hyland kids.  (Hey, girls!  Give your Mom a slap for me.)

Kidding.  Kidding.  Is that lawsuit even still going on?  I don’t get home in time to watch TMZ anymore.  Violence is never the answer, kids, but it would probably be ok if you wanted to put that iconic backroom slap into the Time Capsule with Teresa Giudice flipping a restaurant table and a couple episodes of the Maury Show.

The Circle of Life.  See what I did there?

The group dance was going to be a a Decadent Darlings’ 1920s Musical Theater period piece.  Abby was so sick and tired of all the Moms asking for something besides Lyrical that she was willing to give up a guaranteed First Place spot this week by throwing in choreography that was out of everyone’s comfort zone just to prove a point.

The point being:  It’s Abby’s name on the outside of the building and don’tchoo fergit it.jv

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was on fiyah.  Easily a Top Three Bump-It week.  And don’t even get me started on her winter white Lost In Space vest.

Danger, Will Robinson.  Hot Stuff Ahead.

While the girls rehearsed their respective routines, Holly, Kira and Jessalyn had a private three-way Pinky Swear Moment up in the MomPerch as they united in their newly formed friendship.  Jessalynn called it a ‘pact’ which was a little too Summer Camp for me, but I could see where she was going with that one.  Unfortunately, when Jill and Melissa got wind of the newly formed Three Musketeers they were not big fans.

It’s always sad to see long term friendships get a little wobbly, but I’m still holding out hope that everyone hugs it out sooner than later because the last thing I want to end up doing is sitting in dead silence between Holly and Jill in some restaurant when they finally come to Boston and take me to lunch.  Which they totally better be planning while they’re laying around on some beach in Australia right now.

I mean, seriously.  Expense it to Lifetime.  They’ll never know.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Yup.  There was one of those.

Kendall’s rehearsal went well, despite Abby barking at her the entire time as she tried to maneuver around a pile of suitcases like one of those military guys who rappel down the side of a building to rescue hostages.

Sit.  Fan.  Rinse.  Spit.  Duck.  Cover.  Roll.  Attitude.  h1 2

A lot of things to remember if you ask me.

Nia, on the other hand, got the even shorter end of the stick.  Again.

Abby was having a hard time letting go of the whole Hollywood MattyB music video thing (…See?  Told you so.  I called it…) and was using her personal issues with Holly to try and drag Nia down even further than the last time she tried to drag her down.

But Nia was strong.  She’s not that little 3 year old baby anymore, lady.  She was mature and respectful and asked Abby why she couldn’t keep the Mama Drama separate from the dancing.  Good question.

Abby doesn’t like sneaky people and liars.  Or murderers, which was an oddly uncomfortable comparison given that Nia only cut a single, not someone’s throat.

But Abby doesn’t like sneaky people.  Or liars.  Or axe murderers.  Nia, on the other hand, doesn’t really like getting yelled at by Abby.

And I don’t like people who don’t buy Nia’s new iTunes single, which you can totally download right here if you want to stay on my good side.  Because you know how I get.

But I digress.

Outside in the hallway, Holly and Nia had a heart to heart discussion.  It was clear that Nia was not going to be broken down by a mean spirited dance teacher and that Holly’s hair looked pretty amazing considering how stress usually makes everything go whacky.a1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And finally, that little screaming girl with the gigantic hair bow wasn’t spliced into the scene again going completely bonkers in the crowd.  Nice we could give that clip a week’s rest.

Side note:  Please refer to last week’s recap if you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.  That way you can quench your thirst for knowledge and I can get more Google hits like Perez Hilton.  Cuz watch your back, dude.  I’m coming for you.

But there were still plenty of screaming kids, don’t you worry.  It’s just that this time they were precariously perched on a moving mall escalator instead of a flat sidewalk.  So much for holding the railing and looking straight ahead like the yellow sign says.

I’m surprised they weren’t trying to bring strollers down the hill with overstuffed H&M bags on top of their babies’ heads.  Because they do that, you know.  With their white Sidekicks wedged between their left ear and shoulder so they can dip Auntie Anne’s pretzel sticks into hot mustard with their free hand.

I know, right?  Working retail through college really made me a People Person.

Rachel Rak Alert:  The “Sas” is back!

Over the top and out of her chair, everyone’s favorite judge from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back to smile, whip her hair, bite the apple and get all Flashdance on everyone’s a** just like she did when she used to sit next to Richy Jackson.

Once a judge, always a judge I guess.

For old time’s sake, I gave her two finger waves and a head snap since Richy was apparently too busy doing GagaStuff to be bothered with showing up in Pennsylvania this week.  There was also some hip hop guy and a woman who looked like that lady from Florence and the Machine, but all that really mattered was that The Sas Was Back and throwing sparkly attitude straight into everyone’s unprotected eyes.rr

According to the rules, after each dance, a woman who I believe does the weather on Philly FOX29 was going to come out and ask the judges for their input.  The judges would then talk into a microphone that looked exactly like those beer hoses that come out of a keg, so I don’t really now what was going on under that table to be honest.

But Rachel was liking it.  A lot.

Nia was first up with her solo and got amazing notes from the judges.  Maddie and Kendall followed and actually received more negative feedback than Nia, which made Holly, Kira and Jessalyn do an impromptu Three Amigo football wave right out of their chairs.

Side note:  Abby didn’t crack a smile during Nia’s performance, but almost needed a cigarette by the time Maddie was done performing.  I’m sure some of it was editing, since that’s what Abby always says on Twitter at 10:01pm after the show ends every week.

But, still.

And speaking of editing.  We finally got rid of Spazzy HairBowGirl in the bus arrival scene (…who I LOVE, don’t get me wrong…) only to have her replaced by a clip of the ALDC girls entering the backstage Green Room not ONCE…but TWICE.

Count ‘em.  Busted.

How many times is Kalani gonna hold that door open?  It’s only a one hour show, people.

Anyone else see that?  This show is seriously  messing with my OCD ADD LOL issues.  If Holly and Jill aren’t gonna get up here and pay for my lunch pretty soon, I’m going to Lifetime Studios and take over for all the post-production editors they must be firing.  Then cocktails will be on me, ladies.j

Side note:  Yes, I am probably the worst person to take to the movies since I’m constantly on the lookout for bloopers.  I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive Kevin Costner for driving the wrong way on that one way street in front of Fenway Park.

But thanks for asking.

The group routine was all about that Charleston.

The girls actually looked like they were having fun doing something besides lyrical leg extensions.  Even the audience loved it.

Unfortunately, fun doesn’t always translate into a First Place trophy.  Not even Second Place sometimes.  The ALDC only pulled Third, which Jill felt could have been a result of the fractured Moms rubbing off on their children.  But we’ll never know for sure.

As stressful as the group result was, the solo awards that came right before that announcement were even worse.  Nobody won nuthin until the very last minute when Maddie took First Place for her mannequin dance.  You didn’t hear it from me, but she’s certainly getting her money’s worth from that skin colored Sia leotard.  Just saying.

Carrying her on stage like you were setting up a Prom display at Barney’s was pretty clever, tho.  I’ll give Abby her props for that one.

And how about that little niblet from another studio who won Fifth Place?  They put the medal around her neck and she fell over.  What was she, like 3 years old?  So cute.

Kendall didn’t place.  Nia didn’t place.

Which meant that backstage, things went exactly as you would expect.

Abby threatened to put nothing but lyrical dances on stage until the day she died.  Then she threatened Nia with no more solos.  Then everyone lost it, screaming something about pacts and making friendship bracelets out of yarn and gum wrappers.h

I say it every week.  You don’t mess with a Mother’s love for their kid.  But can you put your kid first and still support your friends?  And what is with all this favoritism after all these years?  Did we learn nothing from The Slap?

It was hard to tell who was on whose side by the end.  I swear, if you walk out of the room and come right back to your television with a snack, somebody’s loyalty has already shifted in the 30 seconds it took you to open the refrigerator.

Abby said these Dance Moms just need to get in their car, go home and make dinner.

Wait.  What?

Holly has a PhD.  I don’t think opening a box of Mac and Cheese is her only option if you keep punching her in the gut.  I’d be careful if I were you, ma’am.

As a matter of fact, this is what it might look like if Holly left.  Because she did.  She got right up and walked out of the room like she was channeling Christi or something.

Done.  I’m done.

I lost count of how many times Jill said “Holly, please don’t leave” because I ran out of fingers right before my DVR timed out.  Kira and Jessalynn only speaking in static morse code all like “She.  I.  You.  But.  We.” didn’t help my concentration either.

Melissa and Jill scooted out after Holly, but didn’t really accomplish much.  But they’re not giving up hope just yet.  Even the worst fractures can be reset and heal up just fine over time.  So we need to fix this now, before they all head back to California for Round Two.

But not next week.

Next week is The Return of Candy Apples.

You heard me.  She’s baaaack.

To be continued…

mj


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