Dance Moms: She’s Baaaack! It’s The Return Of Honey Bow Bow Child When JoJo Takes The ALDC To Church.Wednesday, January 21st, 2015
Let’s plead insanity on that lawsuit. I’m sure I’ll pick up plenty of pointers this week. Trust me.
That. Was hilarious.
Don’t you worry, people. Mini-Maya ’bout to own this stage. But first, let me take a selfie.
I don’t even know where I am right now. But I know it’s awesome and I like ponies and Skittles.
I can already feel the Sassy Super Powers of this magic hair bow burning into my brain. It works!
I’m just saying go get your own damn Starbucks because this Cup o’ Crazy is all mine, honey.
AwHellNah. What is that on your head, girl? I don’t think so.
Hair Bow Chicka Bow Bow.
Ready or not, here she comes.
JoJo Siwa is back in the ALDC hizzle, yo.
Dance Moms raised the Headgear Threat Level to Glitter this week with the highly promoted arrival of the sassified Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition alum and it was pretty much everything you would expect to see when someone from the planet KrazyPants crash lands on the ALDC Mothership.
Because that’s what it was.
Krazy. With a capital ‘K.’
But first, there were a few quieter non-JoJo moments before she and Mom Jessalyn knocked down the studio door and started making all the dogs in my house run in circles.
After last week’s confrontation between Holly and Abby, there was still a lot of underlying tension in that little pink holding room as the Few and The Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms waited for the Pyramid of Shame to commence. With only three Moms and four dancers remaining, Kalani and Mom Kira were settling in nicely as new/old additions to the mix, but you could definitely cut it with a knife.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Right out of the gate, my MomCrush was on point. Bump-It was almost setting off the ceiling sprinklers and she was working one of her officially licensed furry Star Wars vests. I’m also digging that new Herbal Essence hairdo she’s rocking in the confessional one-on-ones. I’m not sure how she makes all those hot roller curls bounce in slow motion like Baywatch, but she does.
As Abby called everyone in for Pyramid, Holly asked if the Moms could come in first for a little chat, but she got shot down before she even finished the sentence. No time for group hugs when there are Pyramids to unveil.
You heard me. Pyramids. Plural.
It was the Pyramids and Pyramids and Pyramids of Shame this week.
All the girls’ new and improved head shots from last week’s photo shoot were plastered across the mirrors. Everyone got their own private pyramid, with all their different looks and outfit changes all taped up for the big reveal. It was a moment when you suddenly realized how much they’ve all grown up over the years.
It was also one of those moments when you don’t question anything and just go with the flow. Like when Glee kids burst into song in the middle of gym class or Lassie finds Timmy in an abandoned water well. Because it’s a television show, people.
Yes. It’s real life. With real loving Moms who love real kids. But it’s also real life on a reality show. On your television. So there’s stuff you see and don’t see and reasons for this and that and things that get edited and things that get cut. Which is why Abby Lee Miller has a television show on a national cable network while Miss Jolene’s Dance and Tumble Tots Complex still shares Community Center rehearsal space with the Silver Sneakers senior program.
And it’s also why I just roll my eyes sometimes when people get themselves all bunched up on Twitter. Chillax or change the channel.
But I digress.
As you’ll recall, last week every girl had a 15 minute limit on their camera time which MackZ, Maddie and Kalani hogged, leaving Nia only 7 minutes to put on three different outfits, change her makeup twice and flat iron her hair.
Trust me, I’ve watched enough Bring It! to know that ain’t gonna happen in 7 minutes.
So relax. It’s TV.
Honestly, I don’t even remember them bringing in that tree or wall or whatever it was that Kalani was leaning on. Is she even old enough to have already had her Senior Pictures done? She totes needs to sign my yearbook.
There was Spunky Maddie, Sultry Maddie, I Think I Like Boys Now Mackenzie, Soap Opera Kalani, Diva Nia and Sporty Spice all over the mirrors. All done in 15 minutes.
It’s television. And I just spent way too much time on that rant, so we’ll have to skip the actual Pyramid part this week. Blah Blah…Maddie on top. The End.
This week, the gang was heading to Warren, NJ for another In10sity Dance Competition. The group routine was going to be a potentially controversial dance based on Religious Diversity, which immediately started spiking Twitter faster than Kim Kardashian‘s naked butt.
MackZ was handed yet another acrobatic solo, which was pretty strange considering all the time that Abby spends telling her to grow up and be an MTV vixen. Pretty hard to do when you spend every week doing whatever that hand stand in a circle thing is called.
The final solo of the week was dangled in front of Nia’s face like meat-on-a-stick for about 20 minutes before Abby walked to the side door and announced the arrival of Storm JoJo.
Part Asia Monet wannabe, part Anna Nicole Smith after a hard night of clubbing and part every Toddlers & Tiaras kid who ever finger kissed themselves right off the edge of the stage into a face plant on the Ramada ballroom carpet.
(Yeah, I’m talking to you, Eden Wood…)
That’s our JoJo. Complete with yet another ginormous sparkly Joker bow/flower dingly head thingamabob that looked like it should be squirting water in Batman’s face. And her Mom Jessalynn. The other loud accessory that JoJo never leaves the house without.
If you watched AUDC, you’ll remember Jessalynn from her sassy “Girlfrieeeend” throw downs with every other Mom in the competition.
If you didn’t watch AUDC, Jessalynn is that woman who cuts in front of you at Walmart and then pretends that she was there the whole time.
As the girls stretched it out and started work on the religious number, the Moms hit the MomPerch. Jessalynn started spraying attitude all over the couch, and as soon as it hit Holly’s new hair it was on like Donkey Kong. For the full hour.
Old Moms and New Moms never seem to play nice on this show. Or is it just me?
MackZ had to put on JoJo’s big ol’ hair bow at some point, too, in hopes that it would inspire sassiness. It’s like a brain chip. A big, curly, gift wrapped brain chip. And it’s how KrazyPantaliens assimilate into our society.
The next day, Holly had raided Jill’s closet while she was in the shower and swiped one of her furry vests when nobody was looking. But it worked. You go, girl.
Downstairs in the studio, JoJo was really struggling with her solo. Did I mention that Maddie was gone again? I probably should have, since JoJo’s piece was supposed to fill the lyrical MaddieVoid while Maddie was off with her new bestie Sia at some Hollywood Bowl benefit concert.
Q. What were you doing when you were 12 years old?
A. Not that. Loser.
Clearly, little Miss JJ was not going to be able to handle the choreography, so mid-stream Abby changed the whole dance into some JoJo-friendly JazzSpazz kinda thing, which left the ALDC without the lyrical routine that had previously been submitted to the competition.
Q. What to do now?
A. Check behind Door #2 and see what prize you find.
Side note: Are these kids all backed up behind that studio door just waiting for their 15 minutes of face time or what? As soon as Abby screamed for tiny Sarah Hunt to come into the studio, she was there. Like…instantly. Almost like teleportation, if you want to keep with the sci-fi theme.
It must look like a spandex-y (…is that a word?…) log jam of hyperventilating baby dancers on the other side of that wall just waiting to hear their name called.
Come on down! You’re the next player!
You remember Sarah. She cried all the time. Especially on buses. A real cutie, but I always get nervous around little kids who cry so hard they can’t breath, because the last thing you want to do is perform CPR on somebody with UglyCryingNose.
Google it. It’s gross. And wet.
And then her Mom Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) barreled into the studio. If you put your ear to the ground you could have probably heard her coming into town like a western stage coach stampede.
Great. Another loud Mom.
I’m not sure if we need to call her CHRIST-y anymore, since there is only one Christi now. Especially on a religious diversity episode. They’re never really clear on what protocol to follow every time Abby drives a Mom out of the building.
Jessalynn and Christy pig piled right on top of each other as soon as they hit the Perch. Christy thought she was better than Jessalynn. Jessalynn thought she was better than Christy. They both smack talked each other’s kid, which is not cool.
Let’s be real. If you popped their heads off like Barbie dolls and swapped them on each other’s bodies they would still be the exact same person with different hair color, so I’m not really sure why they didn’t hit it off better. I think these issues go deeper than just Walmart.
Jessalynn also likes her catch phrases. You know they’re catch phrases when Lifetime tweets them out. Check ‘em out when you have time.
Around now was when Maddie called in from Hollywood. She was with her Aunt Renee, who seemed very good at chaperoning but not so great at remembering to bring Maddie’s hairbrush. Or maybe I’ve just never had to learn four dance routines in one day.
Maybe that’s it. I apologize for my jealousy.
Abby put Maddie on speaker and basically trash talked all the other girls like a Boss until Sia told her girl to get off the damn phone. Time is Money in Hollywood. Chop Chop.
Finally, it was Showtime! And crazy bus crowd arrival time.
Lawd. These tweeny bop fans are bonkers. I’m probably just jealous (…again…) that I never got to run down a sidewalk high-fiving everyone when I was in 5th grade….but still.
Backstage, there was no sign of Abby. Nada.
No Maddie = No Abby? Hmmmm.
Holly questioned Gianna, but didn’t get any solid response. If you DVR’d the show and don’t have much time, just fast forward to the part where Holly is sewing stuff into Nia’s head and goes “Well, some people have priorities, mmmmmkay?”
Book me a chair at Dr. Beyoncé’s House Of Hair right now. I mean it.
Sarah’s solo was good. Jessalynn said she wasn’t strong enough to dance at the YMCA, but I enjoyed it. JoJo’s solo was classic JoJo.
Abby finally decided to show up, walking down the aisle like she was Ellen Degeneres‘ Oscar Night Pizza Guy or something. The crowd went nuts and I started craving pepperoni. Miss Abby does like her entrances. And her pizza, I bet.
She was just in time for MackZ’s ‘Boom Boom’ solo, which I think was supposed to be an Ariana Grande ‘Bang Bang’ solo…but “Back seat of my car I’ll let you have it” doesn’t really make sense when you’re doing circular handstands, if you know whaddimean.
Back in the makeup room, the Moms tried to figure out what took Abby so long to get to the venue. Something about traffic and court dates and the usual roundabout non-answer answers. She’s getting pretty good at that.
And then I rolled on my remote and was suddenly watching CNN. And they were interviewing a little muslim girl in a burqa. I swear. She was right there.
At first I was all like “That’s a cute little muslim girl in a burqa. Where’d my remote go?”
And then I was all like “Why is that CNN anchor putting fake eye lashes on that little muslim girl in a burqa? Is that a thing now?”
And then I realized it was JoJo in a burqa and I was all like…
(Special thanks to @SnarkyBot for letting me plagiarize his plagiarized gif.)
I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole thing. But again, wrong blog for this. They’d catch flak for NOT including a little girl in a burqa, probably more so than for including her in a diversity themed dance. The point was to show different religions expressing different beliefs, but still being able to come together as one.
Plus they only have six kids on the payroll.
So again…take it to the chat rooms.
On the other hand, Kira and Jill were pretty excited that JoJo couldn’t talk, so in an oddly ironic religious moment, all our prayers were answered.
Don’t you worry, tho. There were plenty of other religious costumes to keep the chat rooms buzzing. MackZ was even dressed up as the tiniest Nun I’ve ever seen. Even the Flying One was bigger.
Note to our Catholic school friends: Only the cool nuns BeDazzle their habits, so don’t expect to see that when you walk into homeroom. Lower your expectations, please.
The group number came off much better on stage than it had back at the ALDC, but unfortunately the new and the old girls were still to new and old to mesh perfectly. They did great, and Sasha Nia killed it with another Spoken Word routine. But the judges only gave them Second Place.
Which is the First Loser, as you’ll recall.
Hey. Was that Melanie in the audience? Another AUDC alum? Haley Huelsman‘s Mom? Nobody else in America has that hair. I think it was her. Hey, girl.
Side note: True Story. When Melanie was in Boston for a dance recital, she walked right past me in the food court with some crazy a** sparkeld-up denim Mom jeans and knocked over my diet Coke with her massive handbag.
Never even offered to clean it up or pay for it.
Granted, she didn’t actually know that she did it because she was too busy yakking it up with her posse. But still. It’s the principle of the thing. And it’s a true story.
She owes me $1.89. Plus tax.
When it was over, Sarah took First Place in her Mini Bite-Sized solo division. See? Told you so. Trophies are way better than tears, honey. Now go to the back of the bus and wipe your nose.
JoJo took home Third Place for her high voltage ‘Electricity’ routine, while MackZ Boom Boomed herself right into First Place. We finally got her out of that Bumblebee costume, now we just gotta get her out of those circus handstands.
But coming in Second for the ALDC is not acceptable. At least in Abby’s book, so the whole thing collapsed pretty quickly backstage. Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with Second Place. It makes you stronger and gives you incentive to get better and better and apply yourself to succeed and improve on what you’re already good at.
I just can’t get Abby to agree. Which in turn always gets all the Moms worked up. To the point where Jessalynn even talked a little smack about kids while kids were still in the room, which is a No-Go ever since Kelly slapped the TMZ right outta Abby last season.
So all the Moms went at it one last time, until only Holly and Jessalynn were left standing.
And who do you think won that one? Any money on my girl?
Don’t be fooled by the PhDs that I got. I’m still, I’m still Holly from the Block.
Bronx Cheer, everyone.
See you next week.