Posts Tagged ‘Maddie Ziegler’

Dance Moms: Now You See Her…Now You Don’t. The Minis Get Their Moment But Abby Lee Never Saw It Coming.

Friday, January 29th, 2016

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…and I’m already missing 7 acrylic tips. They might be in my bra, but I can’t find that either.

 

 

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Yaaaay! Maddie’s back! I better take a selfie so I remember how amazing my hair looked today.

 

 

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With all the ALDC merchandise she’s selling online, I can’t believe nobody can get us 4 sippy cups.

 

 

pey

 

 

 

All I know is that if I acted up like some of these ladies, I’d be in Time Out right now. They’re crazy.

 

jess

 

 

 

They said hold it like this so I look like a Real Housewife, but I can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying.

 

 

chlp

 

 

Honey, Imma need your Mama to back it up a few feet or you’re gonna do your own makeup.

 

 

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You’re the lawyer…you tell me. How do I stop that blog kid from posting my bra picture again?

 

 

 

Ok.

No fancy intros this week.  No time.

Let’s just get right down to Dance Moms bidnezz.

If Abby Lee Miller can barely even acknowledge the Pyramid of Shame this episode, then we can certainly skip right to the good stuff, too.

Like, ummm…maybe that backroom behind the new ALDCLA studios perhaps?

What the what?

post-26182-kristin-wiig-disgusted-animate-htu2You see all that?

As the opening credits finished rolling and the Moms and kids started piling into the building for this week’s assignments, Abby was nowhere to be found.

MIA.  Again.  At least in the clean part of the building, anyway.

Turns out she was just out back in her…whatever that place was supposed to be…talking on the phone to some mystery caller, surrounded by bubble wrap, Whole Foods bags, a fort made out of plastic storage bins and one of those little freshman dorm beds that never fit the sheets you used all through high school.

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Eeeew.  Part Hoarders: LA and part August Back-2-School Sale at the Container Store, the whole thing was just so…

wait-what…that I wasn’t sure what to think.  It even seemed kinda funny until you started looking closer at the collection of clutter and then it got kinda…

tumblr_mebyvor9kw1rig27xo1_500_largeSeriously.  So.  Much.  Clutter.

I swear the only thing missing was Abby’s bra.

This one, probably.

ab1Because she wasn’t wearing one.  She even said so.

And her hair was in rollers.  And she was crying.  And there was a grade school map of the whole world on the wall, for some reason.

And Abby Lee Miller was not wearing a bra, for those of you who missed it the first time.

No bra.  No support system.  Nothing.  None.  Zip.  Nada.

As Abby finished up with her mystery caller, everyone else was out in the main studio welcoming Maddie back into their ranks.  She was home!  Fresh from her first movie role, Maddie had finally returned to the ALDCLA with Hollywood stories and celebrity gossip, an upcoming Seventeen Magazine photo shoot and what seemed like slightly darker hair.

But maybe that was just me.

Everyone was going nuts.

Especially my MomCrush Jill, who kept flipping her new hair all around like this…

beyonce-hair-flip.jpg…and this…

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…while plotting how to send the Mini Moms into the backroom to deal with Abby.

Freshman Hazing: Dance Moms Style.

After hearing Abby scream, everyone knew she was on the property somewhere, so it was only fitting that the new Moms get tossed into the Lion’s Den to drag out the carcass.

Kerri (…who still insists on pronouncing her daughter Peyton‘s name with that dramatic pause between PAY and TON…) headed into the bowels of the building with a few other Moms in search of their new leader, but squealed right back out as soon as she realized that Abby wasn’t wearing a bra.

kerriWe should probably give her a moment.  She was clearly traumatized.

Melissa and Jill didn’t do much better when they headed in after Abby, either.  It was loud.

Really loud.  Abby literally screamed at them so hard they almost knocked over that Makeup Lady we met last week, who was just trying to take her blood pressure medicine as they raced back to the safety of the front studio.

Needless to say, with all that adrenaline pumping, it was only a matter of mili-seconds before Jill and Brynn‘s Mom Ashlee went at it again.  Just like last week.

Except that this time we only saw the back of Jill’s new hair while she was swearing and taking off out the back door with Melissa.  Nobody had to blur out her mouth like they do on Mob Wives when they accuse each other of being passive-aggressive snitches.

You don’t mess with the (Vertes) Family, yo.  You just don’t.

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The screaming was short-lived, tho, because as soon as Jill and Melissa swung the back door open, they hit Sergio and James from Seventeen Magazine in the head (…knocking Sergio’s hat backwards, BTW…) who were both lurking in the alley behind the ALDCLA for some reason.

I didn’t ask.  I’m not a photographer, so I don’t know how the creative process works.

Sergio was very excited to shoot Maddie for the February issue, as was James, who had decided they should come out to the studio two hours early and stand by the gas meters to figure out which other girls should be included in the photo spread.

Side note:  You ever watch Vanderpump Rules on Bravo?  That show where the restaurant staff spends more time in the back alley smoking cigarettes and talking smack about each other than they do actually serving food?  It was like that.

Well, not the smoking part.  Smoking is bad for you, kids.  Just like fighting with Jill is…

Everyone went back inside to choose which two girls would be included in Maddie’s photo shoot.  And it was as awesome as you’d imagine it would be when you pit a bunch of Dance Moms against each other for a spot in a national fashion magazine.

Holly made this #HollyFace and you already knew that Nia was guaranteed a spot.

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She gets it from her Mama, don’t you know.  Game over.

And You Can Quote Me Dept:  Holly will be the new Oprah somebody.

Ashlee went on and on about how Brynn was a new dancer and model and astronaut and could name all the United States Presidents in both chronological order and alphabetically.

asKerri was still so traumatized by seeing Abby without a bra on that she didn’t even bother trying to pimp out her kid for this gig.  Maybe next time, thanks.

nm2And then it all came down to Nia and Kendall being asked to join Maddie in the magazine.

Congratulations!

Side note:  Look at how cute Brynn is.  What a niblet.  No wonder she models.  It’s like she just saw the Willy Wonka machine that turns rivers into Hershey’s ice cream syrup.

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Before heading back out into the alley, Sergio and James unveiled the Pyramid, but they did it so fast that I never even saw it.  Did you?

Did anybody?  Not sure what that was all about.  Maybe we’ll find out the results in the Director’s Cut DVD box set later this year.

I think I forgot to mention that Abby eventually found some undergarments and made her way out into the studio.  Because she did.

This week, the group routine was entitled ‘The Elite.’  The new Minis would also be performing for the first time, with a number called ‘The Spotlight Is On Me.’  

And Maddie and Brynn both scored solos.

Spoiler Alert:  Competitive Moms, maybe?

And then Abby put on a QVC Quacker Factory Halloween top with glitter ghosts on it that said something about ‘Boos’ because I don’t know why.

This show.  I swear.  Season 7 or else…

Mmmkay?

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As Melissa, Holly, Jill and their respective kids all headed to the Seventeen Magazine shoot, Jessalynn was left behind with nobody in the bleacher seats to talk to except Ashlee.  So they had to talk to each other.

They discussed being a Team Player.  Not being a Team Player.  Who has issues.  Who doesn’t have issues.

And then Ashlee said Jill was going through menopause.

tumblr_nk6lp22lJU1re3x32o1_500This isn’t gonna end well.

As Jessalynn grabbed her cell phone to spread some juicy gossip, the other Moms were across town at the photo shoot having a blast.

Holly was busting at the seams with excitement and pride for Nia’s success.  Jill was trying to push Kendall out of the makeup chair so she could slide right in and get contoured by a celebrity stylist.

And Melissa was trying to figure out the snacks on the craft services table.

mSrsly.  I love Melissa so much, but I don’t think she knows how to open a Capri Sun.  Is that what that is?  Or are those Gummy Bears?  I didn’t take a very clear screen shot.

Either way.  Hilarious.

Remember when Melissa tried to use an iPad with those enormous French Tips back when they were all trying to find a man for Abby and went on some creepy dating site?

Or when she used to work the front desk at the ALDC in Pittsburgh?

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I swear she’s gonna poke her own eye out some day if she’s not careful.

When Jill found out that the makeup guy had put lipstick on Victoria Beckham one time, she almost burst whatever that vein is in your neck that’s connected to the part of your brain that does anything logical.

True Fact:  The guy in that picture at the top of this recap isn’t actually doing Kendall’s nails.  He’s putting chloroform on that rag and was 30 seconds away from putting it over Jill’s mouth when security stepped in and made Mrs. Vertes go help Melissa get her juice box open.

I’m not even making that part up either.  I swear.

I love this show.  #NoShame.

Moral Of The Story:  The shoot was awesome.  The girls looked amazing.  And the magazine is out now.  So scoot to CVS tomorrow and pick up a copy or two.

gallery-1452024647-dancemomsFinally it was Showtime!

And time for Abby to go Rogue.

Dat’s rite.  Somewhere between the commercial for Pitch Slapped and those 9 year old Genius Kids who are already way nerdier and smarter than you’ll ever be, Abby Lee Miller disappeared for the rest of the episode.  Again.

Vanished without a trace.  No clues.  No note.  Not even a bra on the backroom floor.

A bra like this one, maybe.

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I think she eventually sent somebody an email that she was resigning.

But I don’t think you can actually resign from your own company or Life, so I don’t think it really counts for much.

Full Disclosure:  Clearly, we may have skipped over a few scenes because I wasted too much time making fun of Melissa’s nails and looking for just the right Justin Bieber hair whip (…like maybe when Jill said that Ashlee’s boob job was so tight that it was squishing brain…which made no sense whatsoever, BTW…) but you get the idea.

You might wanna check out a more reliable blog if you actually want a recap.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how great Gianna is with those little Minis.  From rehearsals to backstage to probably taking them to tinkle when they’re already taped into a sparkly onesie, Gia is the perfect babysitter.

gOr Mom, maybe.  No pressure on her boyfriend if she’s dating anyone, of course.

Maddie’s James Bond Gold Finger solo was great.  Being in her first movie seemed to have stretched out her legs another 6 inches.  Or maybe that was just me, again.

Brynn’s routine was also great.  Plus she got a really nice pep talk from Kalani before she went on stage.  You can tell that Kalani is all about her new Big Sister role now.

Backstage, on the other hand, things didn’t go as smoothly.

Jessalynn and Ashlee and Melissa and Jill went a few more rounds on whose kid was better than whose kid and then Ashlee started throwing out dance terms and asking if Maddie could even do a Scorpion sumthin sumthin after sumthin else.

Totally lost me on that part.

Q.  Remember when the biggest issue on stage for these kids used to be whether they could all keep their hats on for 3 minutes?
partyA.  They usually couldn’t.

(Shout Out to the Original Recipe Minis!)

Jessalynn was not having any of this by the time Ashlee started wailing on JoJo.  Leave her kid out of this mess, please.

Here’s what Jessalynn looked like right before she got all ‘Someone Better Watch My Purse Because Imma ‘Bout To Take Off My Shoes And Hurt Somebody’:jdbThey were all rolling around in the back so much that they almost forgot to get the kids on stage for the group numbers.

The Minis did really well for their first evah ALDCLA dance.  They looked like they had a really fun time and everyone seemed to remember the choreography.

I couldn’t find a good clip of their routine, so here’s me at the club last weekend:

604_The_Spotlight_1When the full-size girls went out on stage after just seeing the Minis in action, the tweeny bop junior team looked like they were about 27 years old.  It was freaky.

But they nailed it.

After all the dust and glitter settled, Brynn took Fourth Place.  Maddie only received enough points for Second Place.  The Minis took home a Second Place trophy and some grape juice that Melissa swiped from the photo shoot when no one was looking.

And the ALDC Big Girls won First Place!!!

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And then it was over.

After a few more round of Mom vs. Mom, I mean.

And then it was really over.  I thought.

Until next week, that is, when Gianna said they were all dancing together.  All of ’em.

Big and Little and Mini and anyone else who happens to drop by the ALDC Coral for a hoe down.  You know there’s always parking in the front if you want to swing by and try to get in on the action.

And then Ashlee pulled one last AshleeMove and Melissa stormed off, dragging and clunking her luggage into the door frame like she did in Season One when she tried to carry all those trophies at once.  Remember that?

But it’s really over now.  I swear.

Go buy Seventeen Magazine.

See you next time!

kk1

Dance Moms: Attention Shoppers. The ALDC Team Is Once Again Available In Toddler Sizes. The Minis Are Here.

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016

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Lawd, just gimme the strength to keep my hair on point with all of these screaming babies.

 

 

jb

 

 

So if that’s not the real Justin Bieber teaching our kids Hip Hop, Imma need to update Instagram.

 

 

pt

 

 

No. I’m serious. I will literally stab myself with this curling iron if she wears pigtails again.

 

 

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Why do we have to park out back by the dumpster? That meter has been empty for 3 weeks.

 

 

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Mama’s got her sensible shoes on today, so if you all wanna run back to PA we can do this.

 

 

tlc

 

 

I specifically gave her a Toddlers & Tiaras name, but then TLC cancelled the show. So here we are, Lifetime.

 

fl1

 

 

These chicks are straight up crazy. Just gimme my trophy so I can get back to Foot Locker.

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

It’s always the quiet ones.

And the little ones.  Definitely the little ones.

Those are the ones you really gotta look out for.  Just ask anyone at the ALDCLA.

And they’d know, because after weeks of build-up it was the Invasion Of The Minis.

In an effort to extend the shelf life of her brand…and since there is still no Time Machine invented that will allow us to go back and relive these Dance Moms memories again…

originalAbby Lee Miller had begun the search for the next generation of bite-sized wannabes to carry on her ALDC Legacy.  Pittsburgh 2.0, as it were.

Side note:  Look at those little niblets sitting on the floor right there.  They’re like 2 years old.  Where did the time go?  And where did Brooke and Paige and Chloe and Vivi go?

Gimme a moment.
oprah-cryingAs everyone lined up for the Pyramid of Shame in their new sparkly LA workout gear, Abby announced the impending arrival of the MiniSquad.

Hand-picked at a recent cattle call audition (…that for some reason required two bowls of munchies that were off limits to that other guy there…) the new crop of dancers would be training at the studio, but not competing at this time.  And since none of them were old enough to drive yet, they would most likely be accompanied by their mothers.

twoDance Moms Math:  More Moms = More Drama.  Just throwing that out there.

Holly Math:  Junior Team + MiniSquad + TMZ + Only 24 Hours In A Day = Trouble.

We heart Holly.  She has a PhD, you know.  Not in Math.  I forget what it is, but I know it’s not Math.  But somehow she still figured out that this was not gonna work out very well.

And then she made this HollyFace.

hfA number of times, actually.

Season Six is looking like a banner year for the #HollyFace hashtag.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Kendall, Nia (…“Excuse me Boo, you’re in my way”…) Sioux and Mackenzie or MackZ or whatever it is now.  I thought we were back to just plain Mackenzie Ziegler, but then Abby referred to her in the past-tense and I got confused.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, who for some reason looked more like Maddie‘s sister than Maddie’s sister did this week.

Top o’ the Heap:  Kalani!  It wasn’t really clear if she was Top Dawg for her dancing skills or for not misplacing her newborn brother, because Abby kind of slipped Jett‘s birth announcement in with some rambling sumthin sumthin about being a good babysitter and Pyramid rankings.  But either way…congrats.

Yes.  The TV World finally caught up with the Real World and Kira had that baby!

Kisses.  What a peanut.

640_jett2This week, the gang was headed to the Devotion 2 Dance Competition.  I love when everyone cheers and gets all excited before Abby even finishes the sentence.  They don’t even know what they’re clapping for yet.

Kendall scored a solo titled ‘All Eyes On Me’ while JoJo got her BowBow yanked out and was handed an ‘I’ll Show You The Dark Side’ character solo.

Side note:  Maddie was MIA again, strictly observing Abby’s new moratorium on not doing any outside activities other than dancing at the ALDCLA by doing an outside activity that didn’t involve dancing at the ALDCLA.

I swear.  Dance Rules are harder to understand than Dance Math.

Melissa‘s hair looked nice, BTW.

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The group routine was going to be a Hip Hop number called ‘Straight Outta Pittsburgh’ because Gianna was nowhere to be found and the internet has yet to beat this one into the ground, yo.  And neither have I, apparently.

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You heard me.  Hip Hop.

The kids went bonkers, especially when Rumor Noel and some guy named Guy Amir came running into the studio.  Dat’s rite.  Two ALDCLA faculty members were gonna drop it like it was hot this week!!  Lyrical Whaaaat?

These.  Two.  Can.  Dance.

Hat Fact:  When they blur out the logo on your snapback, you know you’re a rockstar.

And then the Minis arrived.

Hundreds of them.  All at once.  And so cute.

gallery-1447351903-giphyOne of them even looked like she was a newborn.  But she made it inside with a little help.

orange-the-golden-retriever-puppy-needs-a-little-help-going-down-the-slide

And then the Moms came in and the party really got started.

Side note:  These Pageant Name Generating Machines.  Where do I get one?

We met Tiffanie and her daughter Alexus, who I assume was named after somebody else named Alexis and the luxury automobile they use to carpool to dance class.

We also met Sari and her daughter Areana.  Very smiley, I must say.

And then it was Kerri and her daughter Peyton.  Was it just me, or did she introduce her daughter like “I just got these Louboutins at Nordstrom and had to Pay a Ton.”  You hear that?  Not Peyton.  Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton.

I liked her just for that, because you know I’m all about the drama.

And don’t forget Mary and her daughter Alysa.  She was missing an ‘S‘ in her name, but immediately got Bonus Points for dressing up like my favorite Star Trek character from the Shatner days.  I love whatever that is that’s going on in her hair right now.

stThis show.  I swear.  We love these kids.

If there’s not a Season 7, Bryan Stinson‘s gonna have to change his phone number.

The next day as the Minis all bounced around like they were inside one of those germ infested inflatable Chuck E. Cheese castles, the big girls got to getting their Hip Hop on with the help of…count ’em…not one, but THREE boy dancers!

YAAAAS!  Abby surprised the team with the addition of a dude trio who all danced like *NSYNC and yet somehow still looked like they should be hosting Blue’s Clues.

Ryan, Blake and Kenneth were in the ALDC hizzle, fo’ shizzle.

And let’s just say The Three Musketeers had it going on.  Boom.

Oh.  Holly and Melissa kept making these faces every time they stepped on a Mini.

Those little babies were Every.  Where.

mhTo up the ante a little bit, Abby had Brynn learning Kendall’s solo right alongside her, for no apparent reason other than to push all of my MomCrush Jill‘s buttons.

Spoiler Alert:  It was working.

Nia was also tag teaming JoJo’s routine, just in case, but the two of them seemed to be playing quite nicely together.  When the BowBow comes off, JoJo seems to lose some of her SpazSpaz.  She and her Mom make me spit out my drink every time they open their mouths.

Side note:  If you watch all the Minis running around and imagine a doggy squeak toy going off every time they take a step, it’s pretty hilarious.  I wish I had sound effects.

As solo rehearsals progressed, Jill was getting more protective of Kendall’s personal space and attempted to create some kind of Invisible Dance Moms Force Field around her daughter to keep Brynn from getting all up in her grill.

Ashlee picked on Jill.  Jill picked on Ashlee.  These two did this again.

mhAnd then Jill finally warned Ashlee to take it down a notch, sistah.

Remember the ALDC Pecking Order.

Hashtag: I Died.  Jill Vertes quoted RuPaul’s Drag Race and now I’m done for day.

not-today2Lucky for us, yet unfortunate for the children caught in the crossfire, the Drag Queen Drama continued when Brynn (…allegedly…) got too close to Kendall’s imaginary bubble and Jill noted that if Ashlee’s kid had a brain in her head she would move out of the way.

Ladies.  Start your engines.

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Jill and Ashlee tore into the studio.

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Jill said whatever this was…

j1And then said something else that got the snapback treatment…

jBack out in the hallway, Jill told Brynn she should have stepped aside and not been in front of Kendall and that she should never talk back to adults when Brynn tried to explain that she didn’t do anything wrong and would have moved if she was aware that she had been in anybody’s orbit which Jill may or may not have believed which in turn made Brynn cry and caused Ashlee to come (drag)racing over to yank her baby away from Jill who just kinda stood there for a second while Mackenzie decided she should be crying too for some reason while everyone got dragged into what was either a voting booth or a Macy’s fitting room to have a group meltdown while Melissa tried to run to the rescue in the most inappropriately high stilettos for such an activity.

And the whole thing totally deserved that one long run-on sentence.  So you’re welcome.

I live for editing.  There.  I said it.

Did I forget to mention that Holly swooped in to snatch all the kids out of harm’s way?

Because she did.  Totally.  Because that’s what she always does in a crisis.

Remember when this happened…

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And then this happened…

tumblr_n0vak1nSo31qk08n1o2_500And Holly was all like…

tumblr_mn9y8nUs9u1qdwtljo1_r2_400And then she was all like “EverybodyOutGetTheKidsOutEverybodyOutGetTheKidsOut!!!” 

BY06jWmI love how Holly’s immediate instinct is to always Save The Children.

And make this #HollyFace all the time, of course.  That’s key.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500The next day, everyone was licking their wounds and giving SideEye when one of the Minis had a MiniMeltdown and wanted to leave California for ever.

I’m done.  Done.

pyt

Tiny Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton didn’t wanna play no more and wanted to take all her toys and go home.  She was almost at the Hiccup Crying stage fercryingoutloud, the poor thing.  Nobody even offered her a kleenex.

Dance Moms Rule #1:  Everybody has to quit at least once and come back.

It’s in the contract, honey.

So they did.  Abby trailed them out into the parking lot and convinced them to come back inside and watch the rehearsals.  Which they did.  So one crisis averted.

For now, anyhooo.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Safety First:  If Kendall doesn’t get off that damn phone when she’s walking into the venue every week she’s gonna fall in an uncovered sewer department manhole someday.

I swear.  Kids and their electronics.

It was also time for Abby to receive a call from her lawyer regarding all the hidden profits from this whole extravaganza.  The alleged ones, I mean.  Almost forgot that part.

aI guess Saving All Those Tears For Your Pillow doesn’t qualify as a rule when you’re looking at a couple years in the slammer, because Abby cried and then cried some more and then took off in her car for the rest of the episode, after putting on the most comfortable looking fur-lined teal old lady moccasins I’ve evah seen and then blowing me a personal air kiss out the window.

She’s outta here till next week.

Backstage, Jill kinda sorta apologized for yelling or not yelling at Brynn and Ashlee told Jill she was sorry that Jill was such a bitch.  Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I couldn’t follow it either.

But Ashlee was all like…

Bianca-Del-Rio-RuPauls-Drag-Race-Really-bitch-Gif

…and then Jill looked at her all like…

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So, yeah…that went nowhere.

Side note:  The fact that Bianca Del Rio is wearing the same top that Jill was wearing when she flipped out on Abby just proves that all my worlds are slowly colliding and there’s nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable.  Pray for me.

Speaking of old ladies, tho.  (The slippers…not Jill and Ashlee.  Gah.)  Somebody needs to send me the youtube link to whatever dance troupe did that crazy routine with the Nicki Minaj nursing home ladies pushing walkers who booty slapped themselves and then went to Old Country Buffet.  Please tell me you see that number when they cut back from commercial.  That was whack.

Kendall’s solo went well, even though Ashlee felt otherwise.  JoJo’s makeup and solo were both equally crazy.

And then the Blue’s Klues Krew arrived in the Green Room to show the West Coast how the almost East Coast Pittsburgh do it.

This kids’ face, tho.  Welcome to the ALDCLA, sparky.

wtfThe Hip Hop number was In. Sane.

Saluting both Pittsburgh’s 412 area code and Vivi-Anne’s legendary Bee Costume…

v2…the ALDCLA wrecked the place.

kjI think Nia got dis, ‘mmmkay?

niaNailed.  It.

And of course, it took First Place.

Not that the emcee could read her card with those crazy bangs she was styling.

But they won.  Trust me.

JoJo came in Second in her age division.  Despite Ashlee’s grumblings, Kendall scored First Place in her age category and even got to stand next to a little girl who looked like she was plucked right off the Olympic medal risers.  You see that?

And then it was over.

Hip Hop Redemption.

And a Mini Invasion.

Just another week at the ALDCLA.

Time to back this thing up and buzz outta here.

See you next time.

vivi-stein-bee-dance

Dance Moms: When The ALDC Gets Thrown To The Hungry Wolves, Let The Potato Chips Fall Where They May.

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

mz

 

 

We all want to be at the top of the Food Pyramid cuz that’s where they put the chips. Figure it out.

 

judge

 

 

Hi. Yeah. The dance was cute. I was just wondering why you still wear pigtails. Aren’t you like 27?

 

 

tumblr_nla056NK8Z1unc2rwo1_500

 

 

She doesn’t wanna mess with me right now. I know way too much. I know so much stuff…

 

 

wtf

 

 

I dunno. I have a PhD for cryin’ out loud. I just show up cuz craft services always has chips.

 

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Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom.

 

 

bbq

 

 

OMG. I can’t. These BBQ chips are so hot. It’s like they’re literally burning my eyes right now.

 

 

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That smart a** kid might be right about these chips, cuz I’m eating like I just got out of prison.

 

 

 

Srsly.

Was it just me, or did anyone else get the Dance Moms munchies this week?

Not sure why, but something made me hungry.  Like a wolf, almost.  I couldn’t stop eating for the whole hour.  I think I went through two bags of potato chips.

I couldn’t tell if it was emotional eating, or stress induced, or what.  Probably both.

I mean, this is Dance Moms, right?  Whatever it was, I’m not proud.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’d totally do it again.  But I’m not proud.

635827983750906392-241400791_potato chipIt was Week #2 of the new competition season down at the ALDCLA, and as everyone arrived for the Pyramid of Shame: West Coast Version, it was clear that the three hour time change was once again having an effect on Abby Lee Miller‘s behavior.

Something about California really messes with her equilibrium, I swear.

It was also Week #2 of the Abby-imposed moratorium against ALL other outside activities for the girls.  Because Dance was the focus now.  Dance was the priority now.

Except for Maddie, that is, who was MIA somewhere doing a movie.  And Abby herself, of course, who was MIA somewhere being certifiably crazy.

Hey, kids.  Can you say ‘Double Standards?’  Because Holly certainly could.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace…

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…and then this one…

h3…and then broke her own record for how many #HollyFaces she could make before the first commercial.  We heart Holly so hard sometimes.

Eventually, Abby rolled in with no eyebrows (…and hair that on the Miller BackComb And Tease Scale of 1-100 barely moved the needle to a shaky 4…) and began searching frantically for something to rat up the top of her ‘do so we could all finally get going.

Side note:  Abby has a makeup artist that follows her around the studio all day.

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F’realz.  And her name is Diana.  Just like Wonder Woman.  And she has Pebbles Flintstone hair and a blood pressure reading that is probably off the charts.

And she doesn’t get paid enough.  Trust me.  Granted, I’ve never actually seen her paystub, but I can pretty much guarantee you that she doesn’t get paid enough.

Here’s Diana changing outfits for the Nickelodeon Awards last year:

tumblr_n9k26fM59j1s2wio8o1_500As soon as my MomCrush Jill saw Abby drawing in her own eyebrows with Diana’s waterproof Sharpie, she knew there was going to be some kind of a problem this week.

tumblr_n0r2el5kSW1r1rmzqo2_500Red Flag, people.  Red Flag.

Remember last year when Abby started unraveling and dumped her entire purse out on the floor looking for I forget what?  And she found a cookie instead?

anigif_enhanced-3488-1428823212-14Spoiler Alert:  You see where this mess is all headed.

Let’s try and keep focus for a second, tho.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MIA Maddie, KalaniKendall and Mackenzie.  Mezzanine Level:  Nia and JoJo and JoJo’s Hamster Ball Dance from last week.

And on Top: Maddie Stand-In/Guest Dancer Brynn!

Fashion Notes:  The kids looked great in their new Black & White gear.

Not so matchy-matchy for a change, which was nice.  Most of the Moms even decided to go along with this week’s Pantone theme.  I think Brynn’s Mom Ashlee may have overslept on the day they filmed her interview confessional, because one shot looked like she was still wearing a black lace nightie.

Or maybe not.  Regardless, we really enjoy the new Mom, even though she definitely likes to make sure all her girls get some air-time…if you know what I mean.

ashThis week the gang was headed to another one of those New York Dance Experience competitions where you get live critiques on stage while you’re still standing there trying to catch your breath.

Solos:  Kendall would perform a routine titled “The Meltdown” since last week’s interaction with her Mom was still so fresh in her head.

Just.  Stop.  Talking.  Mom.  Gawd.

Mackenzie was going to revive her famous Season One moment  “All I Want To Do Is Sit On The Couch And Eat Chips” from 5 years ago, even though Abby totally got the quote wrong from the get-go.  Google before Choreo.  Always.

Remember that youtube clip?

When Mackenzie was only 6 years old and was missing half her teeth and preferred a bag o’ Lay’s over accepting any and all lead roles on Broadway?

acve#Full Disclosure:  That’s not actually the video.  That’s me last night watching this show.

Sometimes I think I may be a little too invested in their lives.  But I digress.

The third solo was going to Nia and would be based on Taraji P. Henson‘s sassy character Cookie on the hit musical drama Empire.

One.  Shout out to Taraji for bringing home the Golden Globe this week!

Two.  We’re almost half way through already and this recap is just now starting to make any sense?  Time Management’s not really my thang, yo.  I like pretty pictures.

Side note:  Melissa was being all feisty this week and not taking any crap from Abby.

Sup widdat?

melThe group routine “Hungry Like The Wolves” was Abby’s way of telling the girls that they needed to remain hungry…umm…like wolves.

Q.  Do I really need to keep breaking down all the subtle nuances of this show for you every week?  Haven’t you been around long enough by now to figure this stuff out on your own so I can get to bed earlier on Tuesday nights?  Seriously.

Melissa said that Mackenzie’s potato chip quote was so famous that people had even made shirts about it and sold them on eBay, which was news to me.  But I believe her.

I personally have at least three Pittsburgh Dance Moms logo tees that are stained with grease because I have a bad habit of wiping my hands on my clothing instead of getting my lazy a** off the couch and grabbing a napkin.

Look at this crew eating potato chips.  Even gophers have better manners.

giphy-5 And speaking of a**.

We’re jumping ahead a little bit, but Abby called Mackenzie a smart a**.

I know right?  To her face.  With the kids in the car!

All because she didn’t like the answer little MackZ gave her when asked about this week’s solo.  Get the quote right first and then maybe we can have a pop quiz, lady.

Lemme tell you, Melissa was not having it and charged right into the studio for an emotional YouSaid SheSaid MaddieWoulda MackenzieCoulda screaming match which resulted in Melissa storming back to the bleachers warning all of America that Abby shouldn’t mess with her because she knew so much shizz about Abby’s…I dunno…finances…maybe?

stuff

Whoa.

Which brings us to Good Morning America‘s Breaking News.

sddefaultWait.  What?

Hold that sparkly iPhone a little closer to your face, Jill.  What is this all about?

At first Holly was all like ‘I’mNotOneToGossipButThisLooksInteresting’

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And then she was all like ‘OoohNoSheDin’t!’

hj(Look at Jill’s SideEye.)

And then they were all straight out like ‘SayWhaaaaa?’
2e6eb8bde47add19377db025c5aae756I mean, like…

copySo, yeah.  I totally just told that whole story backwards.  But you get the gist of it.  And the end result was the same.  Sometimes you need to just go with the flow.

And by now you’ve all seen the TMZ stories and the CVS magazine articles while you’re standing in line buying your 75% OFF christmas wrap.  So take it to the chatrooms.  You know what these recaps are all about by now.  Stress makes me…you know.

chipsNeedless to say, the Moms were concerned and Abby was in denial.

Jill wanted to discuss the Elephant In The Corner (…what does that even mean?  Isn’t he just there in the room wandering around?…) but Abby was going on like it was just another day at the office.  Except for the itchy nose part.

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a2Yup.  Just another day at the ALDCLA.

Despite all the media hoopla, the girls needed to rehearse for the the weekend.

Did I mention that Abby wanted Nia to twerk?  Like Nicki Minaj twerk?  Because she did.

Well.  My Anaconda don’t.  And neither does Nia.

nia

Nia’s a young lady now.  And a role model.  And raised right.  And even though Abby showed her how she wanted it done, it wasn’t gonna happen.

Q.  What do you think that driver thought when he cruised by the window and saw all of this goodness pressed up against the glass?

twr

A.  True Story.

giphy-1Finally, it was Showtime!

Actually, there was a whole bunch of other MelissaStress and yelling and checking TMZ updates that went down before Competition Day, but all the potato chip jokes have put me a little behind schedule.  Abby even called Mackenzie a disappointment and made her go on that bouncy tumble track thing and even went for Maddie’s baby teeth during one argument with Melissa.

Not literally, like they were in a jar or something.  You know what I mean.

But this recap is running long, so we’re all leaving for NYDE right now, with or without you.

As the team arrived at the venue, the Moms were wondering what kind of reception they would receive, since you know how kids today do love their social media.  Nobody knew if they would be walking into a cheering crowd or a firing squad.

Drumroll, please.

They had shirts made!

dtcs

Well, not that one.

You wish.

That’s the one Jill wears when she cleans the bathroom.

The crowd was actually wearing this one…

dtc1 (1)

Side note:  I’ve been waiting almost a month for my 3 pack of Hanes to ship from Macys.com and yet somehow a herd of adolescent girls managed to manufacture brand new JailBreak couture and have the ink already dry by the weekend?

Something ain’t rite.

Let’s wrap this thing up, shall we?

The solos went well from the audience’s perspective.  Mackenzie wore pigtails again, of course.  Because, you know…she’s Mackenzie.  And that’s kind of her thing until forever.

Kendall was supposed to wear latex old lady makeup, but freaked out and peeled it off like they do at a day spa when you need your pores unclogged.  Word on the street is that she was allergic to the rubber, even though we never actually got the full deets before she had her pre-Meltdown…meltdown.

Nia nailed her routine, even though it was clear that the Sass to Actual Choreography Ratio was a little skewed.  If I had remembered to mention earlier that this week’s winning solo would also do a solo NEXT week, the last few paragraphs would have been more beneficial in the long run.

My bad.  But you gotta admit the gophers were on point.

wb

And so were those wolf costumes, right?

ws1Those were the Real Deal.

I guess the days of sitting up in that MomPerch hot glueing Joanne Fabric sequins to iParty hats are truly long gone now, even though I really do miss Kelly and Christi swearing every time they burnt their fingers.

Shout out!  We miss you!

tumblr_n9n7k3mesx1sux2pbo1_500

True Story:  That clip is actual backstage surveillance camera footage from the first time Kelly ever read my blog and I made fun of her hair.

Relax.  I apologized like a million times.

And then the Awards.

Mackenzie took 4th Place for her Dance of the Eternal Pigtail.  Kendall only scored 3rd Place but at least got a free facial for all her trouble.  And Nia’s Cookie routine came in Second Place.

And then the group lost.

No First Place nothing for nobody.

At least that pretty lady on the stage got to pretend she had her own Talk Show for the day.  Look at her go.

We’ll be right back with Mackenzie after this commercial for Palmolive.

couch (1)

And then Abby lost it again.

The Moms were just trying to let her know that they were all there for her and supporting her and if she wanted to talk about all the stuff that she wasn’t talking about they would all be around to talk about it and if she–

Hold up.

Did Abby just say–?

Did she just imply that they might all be going to jail with her?

Excuse me?

jvThat’s it.

I’m done.

The Moms were done.

Everyone was done.

Let’s just go eat, girls.  My treat.

giphy-4Cuz I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry again.

See you next time!

ws


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