Posts Tagged ‘Maddie Ziegler’

Dance Moms: She’s Baaaack! It’s The Return Of Honey Bow Bow Child When JoJo Takes The ALDC To Church.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2015

anjj

 

 

Let’s plead insanity on that lawsuit. I’m sure I’ll pick up plenty of pointers this week. Trust me.

 

 

kh

 

 

 

That. Was hilarious.

 

 

h 2

 

 

 

Don’t you worry, people. Mini-Maya ’bout to own this stage. But first, let me take a selfie.

 

mj

 

 

 

I don’t even know where I am right now. But I know it’s awesome and I like ponies and Skittles.

 

 

mcz

 

 

I can already feel the Sassy Super Powers of this magic hair bow burning into my brain. It works!

 

 

jess

 

 

I’m just saying go get your own damn Starbucks because this Cup o’ Crazy is all mine, honey.

 

 

nj

 

 

 

AwHellNah. What is that on your head, girl? I don’t think so.

 

 

 

It’s true.

Hair Bow Chicka Bow Bow.

Ready or not, here she comes.

JoJo Siwa is back in the ALDC hizzle, yo.

Dance Moms raised the Headgear Threat Level to Glitter this week with the highly promoted arrival of the sassified Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition alum and it was pretty much everything you would expect to see when someone from the planet KrazyPants crash lands on the ALDC Mothership.

Because that’s what it was.

Krazy.  With a capital ‘K.’

But first, there were a few quieter non-JoJo moments before she and Mom Jessalyn knocked down the studio door and started making all the dogs in my house run in circles.

After last week’s confrontation between Holly and Abby, there was still a lot of underlying tension in that little pink holding room as the Few and The Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms waited for the Pyramid of Shame to commence.  With only three Moms and four dancers remaining, Kalani and Mom Kira were settling in nicely as new/old additions to the mix, but you could definitely cut it with a knife.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Right out of the gate, my MomCrush was on point.  Bump-It was almost setting off the ceiling sprinklers and she was working one of her officially licensed furry Star Wars vests.  I’m also digging that new Herbal Essence hairdo she’s rocking in the confessional one-on-ones.  I’m not sure how she makes all those hot roller curls bounce in slow motion like Baywatch, but she does.j

As Abby called everyone in for Pyramid, Holly asked if the Moms could come in first for a little chat, but she got shot down before she even finished the sentence.  No time for group hugs when there are Pyramids to unveil.

You heard me.  Pyramids.  Plural.

It was the Pyramids and Pyramids and Pyramids of Shame this week.

All the girls’ new and improved head shots from last week’s photo shoot were plastered across the mirrors.  Everyone got their own private pyramid, with all their different looks and outfit changes all taped up for the big reveal.  It was a moment when you suddenly realized how much they’ve all grown up over the years.

It was also one of those moments when you don’t question anything and just go with the flow.  Like when Glee kids burst into song in the middle of gym class or Lassie finds Timmy in an abandoned water well.  Because it’s a television show, people.

Yes.  It’s real life.  With real loving Moms who love real kids.  But it’s also real life on a reality show.  On your television.  So there’s stuff you see and don’t see and reasons for this and that and things that get edited and things that get cut.  Which is why Abby Lee Miller has a television show on a national cable network while Miss Jolene’s Dance and Tumble Tots Complex still shares Community Center rehearsal space with the Silver Sneakers senior program.

And it’s also why I just roll my eyes sometimes when people get themselves all bunched up on Twitter.  Chillax or change the channel.

But I digress.

n

As you’ll recall, last week every girl had a 15 minute limit on their camera time which MackZ, Maddie and Kalani hogged, leaving Nia only 7 minutes to put on three different outfits, change her makeup twice and flat iron her hair.

Trust me, I’ve watched enough Bring It! to know that ain’t gonna happen in 7 minutes.

So relax.  It’s TV.

Honestly, I don’t even remember them bringing in that tree or wall or whatever it was that Kalani was leaning on.  Is she even old enough to have already had her Senior Pictures done?  She totes needs to sign my yearbook.

There was Spunky Maddie, Sultry Maddie, I Think I Like Boys Now Mackenzie, Soap Opera Kalani, Diva Nia and Sporty Spice all over the mirrors.  All done in 15 minutes.

It’s television.  And I just spent way too much time on that rant, so we’ll have to skip the actual Pyramid part this week.  Blah Blah…Maddie on top.  The End.

This week, the gang was heading to Warren, NJ for another In10sity Dance Competition.  The group routine was going to be a potentially controversial dance based on Religious Diversity, which immediately started spiking Twitter faster than Kim Kardashian‘s naked butt.

MackZ was handed yet another acrobatic solo, which was pretty strange considering all the time that Abby spends telling her to grow up and be an MTV vixen.  Pretty hard to do when you spend every week doing whatever that hand stand in a circle thing is called.

The final solo of the week was dangled in front of Nia’s face like meat-on-a-stick for about 20 minutes before Abby walked to the side door and announced the arrival of Storm JoJo.

Oh, JoJo.

jss

Part Asia Monet wannabe, part Anna Nicole Smith after a hard night of clubbing and part every Toddlers & Tiaras kid who ever finger kissed themselves right off the edge of the stage into a face plant on the Ramada ballroom carpet.

(Yeah, I’m talking to you, Eden Wood…)

That’s our JoJo.  Complete with yet another ginormous sparkly Joker bow/flower dingly head thingamabob that looked like it should be squirting water in Batman’s face.  And her Mom Jessalynn.  The other loud accessory that JoJo never leaves the house without.

If you watched AUDC, you’ll remember Jessalynn from her sassy “Girlfrieeeend” throw downs with every other Mom in the competition.

If you didn’t watch AUDC, Jessalynn is that woman who cuts in front of you at Walmart and then pretends that she was there the whole time.

As the girls stretched it out and started work on the religious number, the Moms hit the MomPerch.  Jessalynn started spraying attitude all over the couch, and as soon as it hit Holly’s new hair it was on like Donkey Kong.  For the full hour.

Old Moms and New Moms never seem to play nice on this show.  Or is it just me?

MackZ had to put on JoJo’s big ol’ hair bow at some point, too, in hopes that it would inspire sassiness.  It’s like a brain chip.  A big, curly, gift wrapped brain chip.  And it’s how KrazyPantaliens assimilate into our society.

The next day, Holly had raided Jill’s closet while she was in the shower and swiped one of her furry vests when nobody was looking.  But it worked.  You go, girl.

Downstairs in the studio, JoJo was really struggling with her solo.  Did I mention that Maddie was gone again?  I probably should have, since JoJo’s piece was supposed to fill the lyrical MaddieVoid while Maddie was off with her new bestie Sia at some Hollywood Bowl benefit concert.

jj

Q.  What were you doing when you were 12 years old?

A.  Not that.  Loser.

Clearly, little Miss JJ  was not going to be able to handle the choreography, so mid-stream Abby changed the whole dance into some JoJo-friendly JazzSpazz kinda thing, which left the ALDC without the lyrical routine that had previously been submitted to the competition.

Q.  What to do now?

A.  Check behind Door #2 and see what prize you find.

Side note:  Are these kids all backed up behind that studio door just waiting for their 15 minutes of face time or what?  As soon as Abby screamed for tiny Sarah Hunt to come into the studio, she was there.  Like…instantly.  Almost like teleportation, if you want to keep with the sci-fi theme.

It must look like a spandex-y (…is that a word?…) log jam of hyperventilating baby dancers on the other side of that wall just waiting to hear their name called.

Come on down!  You’re the next player!

You remember Sarah.  She cried all the time.  Especially on buses.  A real cutie, but I always get nervous around little kids who cry so hard they can’t breath, because the last thing you want to do is perform CPR on somebody with UglyCryingNose.

Google it.  It’s gross.  And wet.

And then her Mom Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) barreled into the studio.  If you put your ear to the ground you could have probably heard her coming into town like a western stage coach stampede.

Great.  Another loud Mom.

c

I’m not sure if we need to call her CHRIST-y anymore, since there is only one Christi now.  Especially on a religious diversity episode.  They’re never really clear on what protocol to follow every time Abby drives a Mom out of the building.

Jessalynn and Christy pig piled right on top of each other as soon as they hit the Perch.  Christy thought she was better than Jessalynn.  Jessalynn thought she was better than Christy.  They both smack talked each other’s kid, which is not cool.

Let’s be real.  If you popped their heads off like Barbie dolls and swapped them on each other’s bodies they would still be the exact same person with different hair color, so I’m not really sure why they didn’t hit it off better.  I think these issues go deeper than just Walmart.

Jessalynn also likes her catch phrases.  You know they’re catch phrases when Lifetime tweets them out.  Check ‘em out when you have time.

Around now was when Maddie called in from Hollywood.  She was with her Aunt Renee, who seemed very good at chaperoning but not so great at remembering to bring Maddie’s hairbrush.  Or maybe I’ve just never had to learn four dance routines in one day.

Maybe that’s it.  I apologize for my jealousy.

Abby put Maddie on speaker and basically trash talked all the other girls like a Boss until Sia told her girl to get off the damn phone.  Time is Money in Hollywood.  Chop Chop.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And crazy bus crowd arrival time.

Lawd.  These tweeny bop fans are bonkers.  I’m probably just jealous (…again…) that I never got to run down a sidewalk high-fiving everyone when I was in 5th grade….but still.

Bonkers.

Backstage, there was no sign of Abby.  Nada.

k

No Maddie = No Abby?  Hmmmm.

Holly questioned Gianna, but didn’t get any solid response.  If you DVR’d the show and don’t have much time, just fast forward to the part where Holly is sewing stuff into Nia’s head and goes “Well, some people have priorities, mmmmmkay?”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Book me a chair at Dr. Beyoncé’s House Of Hair right now.  I mean it.

Sarah’s solo was good.  Jessalynn said she wasn’t strong enough to dance at the YMCA, but I enjoyed it.  JoJo’s solo was classic JoJo.

Abby finally decided to show up, walking down the aisle like she was Ellen Degeneres‘ Oscar Night Pizza Guy or something.  The crowd went nuts and I started craving pepperoni.  Miss Abby does like her entrances.  And her pizza, I bet.

She was just in time for MackZ’s ‘Boom Boom’ solo, which I think was supposed to be an Ariana Grande ‘Bang Bang’ solo…but “Back seat of my car I’ll let you have it” doesn’t really make sense when you’re doing circular handstands, if you know whaddimean.

Back in the makeup room, the Moms tried to figure out what took Abby so long to get to the venue.  Something about traffic and court dates and the usual roundabout non-answer answers.  She’s getting pretty good at that.

And then I rolled on my remote and was suddenly watching CNN.  And they were interviewing a little muslim girl in a burqa.  I swear.  She was right there.

At first I was all like That’s a cute little muslim girl in a burqa.  Where’d my remote go?”  

And then I was all like “Why is that CNN anchor putting fake eye lashes on that little muslim girl in a burqa?  Is that a thing now?”

And then I realized it was JoJo in a burqa and I was all like…

giphy

(Special thanks to @SnarkyBot for letting me plagiarize his plagiarized gif.)

I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole thing.  But again, wrong blog for this.  They’d catch flak for NOT including a little girl in a burqa, probably more so than for including her in a diversity themed dance.  The point was to show different religions expressing different beliefs, but still being able to come together as one.

Plus they only have six kids on the payroll.

So again…take it to the chat rooms.

On the other hand, Kira and Jill were pretty excited that JoJo couldn’t talk, so in an oddly ironic religious moment, all our prayers were answered.

Don’t you worry, tho.  There were plenty of other religious costumes to keep the chat rooms buzzing.  MackZ was even dressed up as the tiniest Nun I’ve ever seen.  Even the Flying One was bigger.

Note to our Catholic school friends:  Only the cool nuns BeDazzle their habits, so don’t expect to see that when you walk into homeroom.  Lower your expectations, please.

The group number came off much better on stage than it had back at the ALDC, but unfortunately the new and the old girls were still to new and old to mesh perfectly.  They did great, and Sasha Nia killed it with another Spoken Word routine.  But the judges only gave them Second Place.

Which is the First Loser, as you’ll recall.

Hey.  Was that Melanie in the audience?  Another AUDC alum?  Haley Huelsman‘s Mom?  Nobody else in America has that hair.  I think it was her.  Hey, girl.

Side note:  True Story.  When Melanie was in Boston for a dance recital, she walked right past me in the food court with some crazy a** sparkeld-up denim Mom jeans and knocked over my diet Coke with her massive handbag.

Never even offered to clean it up or pay for it.

burka

Granted, she didn’t actually know that she did it because she was too busy yakking it up with her posse.  But still.  It’s the principle of the thing.  And it’s a true story.

She owes me $1.89.  Plus tax.

When it was over, Sarah took First Place in her Mini Bite-Sized solo division.  See?  Told you so.  Trophies are way better than tears, honey.  Now go to the back of the bus and wipe your nose.

JoJo took home Third Place for her high voltage ‘Electricity’ routine, while MackZ Boom Boomed herself right into First Place.  We finally got her out of that Bumblebee costume, now we just gotta get her out of those circus handstands.

But coming in Second for the ALDC is not acceptable.  At least in Abby’s book, so the whole thing collapsed pretty quickly backstage.  Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with Second Place.  It makes you stronger and gives you incentive to get better and better and apply yourself to succeed and improve on what you’re already good at.

I just can’t get Abby to agree.  Which in turn always gets all the Moms worked up.  To the point where Jessalynn even talked a little smack about kids while kids were still in the room, which is a No-Go ever since Kelly slapped the TMZ right outta Abby last season.

Yikes.

So all the Moms went at it one last time, until only Holly and Jessalynn were left standing.

And who do you think won that one?  Any money on my girl?

Don’t be fooled by the PhDs that I got.  I’m still, I’m still Holly from the Block.

Love her.

Bronx Cheer, everyone.

See you next week.

bx

Dance Moms: The ALDC Stomps The Yard When Abby Gets Served. Nobody Knows The Mama Drama I’ve Seen.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

am

 

 

Srsly? Another parking ticket? Are you people blind? My freakin’ name’s on the damn sign.

 

 

h1 2

 

 

Everybody knows the curlier it gets, the crazier I get. And do you see these ends right now?

 

 

mel

 

 

Check out this loot! A Walmart truck tipped over on the highway. There was s*** everywhere!

 

 

nm

 

 

Side Eyes is the new Crazy Eyes, sweetie. I see you and your little crown over there. Yes, I do…

 

 

mj

 

 

Never understood this Bump-It thing. Is there something in there or does she just puff it up?

 

 

h4

 

 

Own your words and then explain what happened to all the puppies in these cages.

 

 

af

 

 

Gimme Face. Flirty. Like you’re trying to bribe a civil judge. Hypothetically, of course…

 

 

 

FYI.

Don’t bother packing your ALDC sunglasses.

Trust me.  You won’t be needing them.  Not this week.

Because…oh, Hunty.  The SHADE.

You might need your Dance Moms Library card, tho.

Because, Gurrl…somebody’s ’bout to read you like an overdue book.

And now that I’ve exhausted two of my best Real Housewives of RuPaul references, let’s get the party started, shall we?  We’ve got a lot of ground to cover.

The shizzle all hit the DanceFan in the first four seconds of this week’s episode when a proud member of the Pennsylvania Judicial System showed up at the ALDC front desk to serve Abby Lee Miller with papers.  Legal papers.  Scary legal papers.

Yup.  Kelly and Paige‘s big TMZ lawsuit.

The producers tried to blur his face out like they do Melissa‘s mouth when she swears, but you could still tell that the Court Officer looked like one of the little old men they always put into Pixar movies.  He probably plays chess in the park when he’s not telling people they’re getting sued.  Or ties balloons to his house and flies over the Grand Canyon.

He managed to zig zag his way around a studio full of cameramen and production people all bumping into each other, handed off the paperwork and then told Abby to have a nice day.  Which was hilarious, considering the way the rest of her day would actually go now.

Side note:  There were a lot of random, panicked behind the scenes people tripping over each other and walking in front of the cameras this week.  A lot.

ab

It was like the old Bugs Bunny cartoon when they would all try to put on a song and dance show (…“Night of  Nights!”…) but the camera tripods would keep tipping over and spot lights would crash down from the ceiling right before one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick came swinging into a shot.

Like that.  But without the talking rabbit or anyone taking an anvil to the head.

Not yet, anyway.

Abby was so distraught after the officer left that she ran out into the parking lot and was met up by all the Moms and their tiny dancers.  They couldn’t believe what just went down.

Melissa was all like WhatHappenedWhatHappened?  Holly was all like ShutUpNoWay.  Jill was all like AwHellNahKelly.  (My MomCrush looking on point, BTW.)

 And I was all like WhyDoesAbbyNeedHerOwnParkingSpotWithASign?

Side note:  You can tell that Holly is one of those people who refuses to make two trips into the house with her groceries, because she was carrying more stuff in the parking lot than she could handle.  Purse, water bottle, phone, something under her arm, hot rollers, dance bag, half of Nia‘s junk and who knows what else.  Love her.

After some tears and a closer look at Dr. Beyoncé’s new on-trend eye makeup palette, everyone headed inside for the Pyramid of Shame.  Everyone except Kira and Kalani, that is, who were late.  Yup.  Late.  On their second week back at the ALDC.

According to my excel spreadsheet (…because I keep track of these kind of things, you know…) it was right about here that Holly began her week of Not Taking Any Crap No Mo’.

Emotions had already been running high this season (…all one episode of it…) thanks to the loss of Christi and Chloe and the residual fall out of a dwindling team.  All the Moms were on edge and trying hard to process this new reality while balancing the needs of what was best for their children with the potential move to ALDC LA.

k

Sticking up for yourself.  Sticking up for your child.  Standing strong for your beliefs.

Whatever you want to call it.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Back inside, K & K showed up.  Apparently, they don’t have traffic lights in Arizona.

Kalani always looks so smiley and pretty, even when Holly checked her watch like a Hall Monitor.  Once a principal, always a principal, I guess.

Bottom of the Pyramid was a Ziegler Tag Team.  Maddie and Mackenzie.  I think Mackenzie was down there because her old pouty, kissy-face headshot didn’t match her new gangstah MackZ persona.  And it doesn’t really matter where Maddie is on the Pyramid anymore because she danced with Sia.

Twice.

Which is two more times than you have.

Middle tier was home to Nia and Kendall, with Kalani coming in on top.  Clearly, punctuality is not a determining factor in Pyramid placement.

This week the gang was headed to Detroit for the Energy Dance Competition, which was home to former ALDC Dance Mom and (…alleged…) current ALDC Stalker Jeanette Cota and her daughter Ava.

You remember them.  Ava was the one who got cut from the new ALDC Team last season and never knew it.  The one who got cut and then kept showing up for work like she was some kind of tenured university professor or something.

We liked them.  You know how I roll.  The crazier the better.

Maddie and Kalani both scored solos.  Something that Abby called The Match-Up of the Century.  Like it was a pay-per-view Maddie vs. Kalani Cage Fight or something.  av

Something that the entire world had been waiting for.

Umm.  No disrespect intended, because both girls can dance, but I think there are probably a few other things going on in the world right now that might knock their one night only Death Match off the CNN scroll.  But whatever, Abby.

It didn’t really matter, because the big deal was going to be a ‘Stomp The Yard’ group dance based on the redoinkulously popular Orange Is The New Black television show.  Every one went nuts when they heard the news.  Except for Holly, who was saving all her nuts so she could completely lose them all at once later in the episode.

Again, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Up in the MomPerch, Holly was just getting warmed up as she confronted Kira.  She nailed Kalani’s Mom on tardiness, on thinking she was more special than she was and for jumping on and off the ALDC Mothership whenever the mood struck her.

One:  I live for this new background music that the producers have snuck into these scenes.  How much do you think they had to pay Survivor and Days of Our Lives for those little snippets?

And Two:  Holly ’bout made me fall back into my pew a few times up there.

Preach, Girl.  Just Preach.

The next day, Abby must have heard me, because all the girls were back in the studio to get new head shots before they left for Hollywood.

The short version of the story is that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani got more camera time than the other girls, even though Abby had committed to a strict no-exceptions 15 minute limit for everyone.  Melissa brought more clothes for one class picture than two little girls should even own and yet the only thing that really surprised me was that Casa Ziegler doesn’t have color-coordinated hangers from the Container Store.

mz

I don’t know why, but I just imagined Melissa as being the kind of person who has all matchy-matchy hangers at home, so I was really surprised when she showed up with two arm loads of mismatched tops from Goodwill.  Where do you even get wire hangers?

Naturally, when it came time for Nia’s shot, Abby left the room and Holly made a HollyFace.  Or two.  Or a million.

But Nia rocked it.  Give that girl some lip gloss and a paper clip and she could break into a bank.  You go, Sasha.  You just go.

Did I mention that Abby whispered to the Head Shot Lady that Maddie, MackZ and Kalani were the only three that would get jobs in the future?  Because she did.  And some other Moms heard it.  Yikes.

Back in the MomPerch, we learned that Kira creeps other people’s Facebook pages and Melissa got an email from Elle Magazine.  Initially, I wasn’t too impressed since I get those subscription emails all the time, until she clarified that they wanted Maddie for a photo spread and article.

Fine.  You win.  Again.

And then Holly got the most random call from Jeanette.  Because if you’re going to stalk people, it’s important that you have all their contact information loaded into your blocked cell phone at all times, right?

Wait.  What?

Jeanette let Holly know that what Abby did to her daughter was sooooo wrong and that she was coming for her.  And then they played some more Days of Our Lives music.

Finally, it was Showtime!

ph

What happened to the ALDC’s matching Louis bags?  Remember those?  Everyone was walking into Detroit with Forever 21 sacks and whatever else they could find in the house.

And how about Jeanette and that Broadway Dance Academy Welcome Team?  And that one girl who didn’t get the memo to wear her Sound of Music/Children of the Corn hair braids?  Did you see that?

They were too young to be Stepford Wives, but if they were older they would have totally been Stepford Wives.  Not creepy at all.

To stir things up before the show even got started, Jeanette busted right into the ALDC makeup room with a lady that I’m pretty sure was Phoebe from the TV show Friends.  Or at least Phoebe’s Mom or older sister.  How freaky was that?

There was some screaming back and forth and then Abby called out Phoebe for wearing a top that was longer than the jacket she had chosen as a layering piece, because when you’re going down in a fight you grab for any gun you can find, I guess.

Side note:  I didn’t have the heart to tell Abby that Isaac Mizrahi was just on QVC last week saying that longer shirts were so NOW, darling.  Really.  Am I right?

Since Abby didn’t trust Jeanette’s backstage antics anymore than she trusted her friend’s fashion sense, she followed her ALDC Team into the wings to watch the solos from a new vantage point.  All the other dance companies got a little giggly and spent more time watching Abby yell across the stage than they did watching their own team.  There were so many people back there.  Totally above fire code.

Not gonna lie.  I even thought I saw the Bring It! girls for a second and almost lost it.

DD4L!

And where do they get these judges?  And why haven’t I been asked to guest judge yet?  I swear one of them was from that Toni Braxton show.  And the other one had on the same outfit that Prince wore when I saw him in concert.

onb

Ava’s solo was nothing but legs.  She is so tall.  Holy tall, Batman.  Or maybe she just has really long legs.  Kira called her a praying mantis, which was kind of mean in a truthfully kind of mean way.  But you really shouldn’t pick on kids.

Kalani’s solo kinda sorta reminded me of Brooke‘s old acrobatic routines every once in awhile.  Except that Kira’s hands didn’t have third degree hot glue gun burns on them like Kelly’s.  These Moms are clearly not making their kid’s costumes anymore.

Quick pause here to mention how much we miss them Hylands.  Hey, girls.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo that was supposed to be based on Abby’s current situation(s) but it completely went over my head.  It was a Maddie dance.  And it was good.  And she’s really  grown up since last season.

Then Jeanette stormed the castle again, but instead of Phoebe from Friends I think she brought that makeup lady Adrien Arpel from HSN.

Or it could have been Gina, the owner of Energy Dance.  But she sure looked like Adrien.  And honestly, if either of them can really take five years off the wrinkles in my face without a needle, I don’t care how severely blunt their bangs are.

Jeanette accused Abby of harassing her daughter backstage.  Blah to the blah to the blah.

But, seriously.  Can we talk about that group number?  Dang.

Orange is the New Black, yo.  It was off the ankle shackle chain.

Granted, you knew Nia would end up with the bantu knots in her hair.  But it was better than the Halloween afros Abby used to plop on her head and I got to learn what a bantu knot was called.  And when did Nia grow up and get so sassy?  Hashtag TeamNia.

nf

Nia wrecked the stage.  Like it was Dance Off: The Sequel.  Even Maddie toughened up, which was pretty exciting since I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go watching her end every one of her dances in that same glamour shot pose.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t end the whole thing on a high note.  When the scores were handed out, Abby felt the competition was rigged and everything fell apart.

Backstage, Abby asked Kendall to walk into the room the same way she would walk into a Hollywood casting call office.  Kendall failed the test and then…yeah.

Boom.

Abby called Jill a Bad Mother.  Kendall cried.  Nia stood up for all the girls in the room.

And then Holly lost all her stored up nuts.  All at once.

I don’t blame her.  But I can’t do it justice.

Sometimes you just gotta stand up for what you believe in.  Especially if someone sticks their hand in your cave and tries to hurt your babies.

It went down.  All the way Down.  Town.

Maybe some time in the future when I’m not so emotionally drained we can discuss it in depth.  Especially the part where the entire Lifetime production crew ran out of the room like someone had just pulled the fire alarm.  They know Holly don’t play.

But not now.

And probably not next week.

I need to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming episode.

Because this is totally happening…

j

Dance Moms: Miss Abby Is Getting Her Freak On As Season Five Begins. The ALDC (PA & LA) Is Back In Business!

Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

h 2

 

 

Shut. Up. These are the best Sour Patch Gummy Worms I’ve ever had. I can’t even feel my face.

 

 

jv

 

 

My hair’s on point. My makeup’s totally on point. My outfit’s on point. And you give me three lines this week? WTF?

 

mz

 

 

I miss them too. I’m just saying look at all the extra room we have now. We can finally lay down.

 

 

a1

 

 

Siri: What was the name of that crazy kid with the gigantic hair bows on my other show? Quick!

 

 

k

 

 

Srsly. How the hell is a normal person supposed to reach the top of a 6Plus with one thumb?

 

 

h2

 

 

On second thought, maybe I will give this chick a pass. Like right out the front door and into the parking lot.

pn

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I’ve never heard of Christi. But when a volcanic ash pandemic hits, is it really gonna matter?

 

 

Finally.

Freakin’ Finally.

Freakin’ Freak Show Finally.

(See what I did there?  Three months off and I still got it…)

Dance Moms is back!  Not very many of them.  But they’re back.

The crowd had definitely thinned out a bit since the last time we saw everyone.  Maybe more than a bit, actually, because you could literally count them all on one hand as the new competition season began this week.  Which…not gonna lie…is kind of a Win Win situation for me and my bag of Cheeto’s on Tuesday Snack Night.

But it was still Dance Mom(s) plural.  For now anyway.  And lucky for us, the ones that were left all decided to come back for the premiere of Season Five and didn’t waste any time getting right to the Mama Drama.

As soon as the new 2.5 second opening credit title card clanked down like some kind of subliminal guillotine (…Wait.  What?  No more Living On The Dance Floor?…) three things were glaringly apparent.

One:  Abby Lee Miller was going to save a lot of money heating and cooling the ALDC studio this year now that only three Moms are opening and closing that front door all day.

Seriously.  Remember last year when the Original Recipe Moms and the New and Improved Moms and all their Original Select and Junior Select and Elite Select and Junior Elite Super Uber Select kids were all propping that thing open trying to get past the front desk log jam?  I’ll never understand why some of them didn’t just crawl in the window to speed up the process.  The show’s only an hour, people.n

Two:  I’m never going to be as smart as that girl in the Child Genius promo who spelled that thing you get if you stand too close to a volcano when it erupts.

And Three:  This was going to be the Darker Side of Dance Moms.  At least for a few episodes.  Which means we should probably address the Elephant in the Room now and then get to the good stuff.

Gone are the days when the most emotionally traumatizing scene in an episode involved Brooke Hyland taking a pie in the face.  The shizz just got real up in here, yo.

Now Brooke is gone.  Paige is gone.  Kelly is gone.  Christi is gone.  Chloe is gone.

There was a lot of (…edited or nah?…) Christi & Chloe bashing as the games began this week, but you know by now I’m only here for the giggles.  I loved Chloe and her little Cabbage Patch Doll eyes, which I thought were just fine.  And her Mom is so crazy that she needs to be my new BFF asap now that she has all this extra time on her hands.

Everyone else can fight this one out online and get it out of their system, because…honestly…I have so many passwords on my cell phone already that I can’t even imagine having to remember another one just to get into some Gymboree Chatroom and talk smack about Mothers from Pittsburgh.

Which also reminds me that this week’s episode was brought to us by our friends at the Apple Store, because everyone had a new iPhone.

As the Few and the Proud filed in for the first Season Five Pyramid of Shame, the studio had either gotten bigger over the break or there really was nobody left in the building.

My MomCrush Jill went on and on about how skinny Abby was (…and there did seem to be less of her than I remember from Season Four…) but I’m not really sure if she actually got smaller or her hair is just getting bigger, because Ms. Miller is starting to look like Priscilla Presley on her Wedding Day.am

Step away from the hot rollers and nobody will get hurt, ma’am.

Side note:  Not nearly enough Jill Time this week.  Needed to be said.  Love her.

Apparently, nobody had heard anything from Christi or Chloe since that big chaotic hallway blow-up at Nationals, which I thought was odd since the girls had been such Instagrammably (…did I just make up a word?…) tight buddies for the last four years.

But again…take it outside or take it to another chat room, thank you.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Kendall and Chloe.  It made me sad to see Chloebird’s picture knowing that she wasn’t even there.

Fresh off the outrageously successful International Year Of The Nia that I predicted, BTW (…Yaaaaaaaas, Gurl!  First Place tiara!…) Nia was keeping Mackenzie or Mackdoodle or MackZ or whatever her name is this week company on the middle row, which meant Maddie was on top already.

So to recap:  Maddie didn’t dance a solo and Chloe doesn’t even get a Dance Moms paycheck anymore, but they were both on the Pyramid.  I fully expect to see my headshot scotchtaped to the mirror next week if this is how Abby’s gonna play it this year.

For their first race out of the gate this season, the ALDC gang was headed to Sheer Talent Competition in Niagara Falls, which my Macbook spellcheck somehow just auto-corrected to ‘Viagra’ and now I’m horrified that someone will think I Googled it on purpose.

Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos this week, which was a little awkward since one of them wasn’t actually in the building at the time of the announcement.  I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to call Chloe at home and let her know or how that was going to work out on stage.  Not my problem, I guess.mk

The group routine was a circus freak kind of thang, based on the American Horror Story: Freak Show phenomenon.  I’ve never actually watched the show, probably because it conflicts with something on Bravo or Lifetime.  But everyone at work loves it.

And they’re all freaks.  So, yeah.

As four tiny girls ran around in a gigantic empty studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and didn’t quite know what to do with themselves.

You know how when you stay in a hotel and they have a super king-sized bed that is like five times the size of yours at home and you don’t know what else to do but roll all around it because you can…?  It was like that up on the MomPerch couch.

Jill, Holly and Melissa kind of looked like they just missed the 39 Bus and were the only three people left on the bench.

Srsly.  How much do we love Holly?  She got new eyeliner.

Since no one had heard anything from Christi in three months, Jill decided to try and call Chloe’s Mom on her redoinkulously BeDazzled iPhone (…seriously, Gurl…how you get dat thing through a TSA checkpoint?…) which allowed the cameraman ample opportunity to awkwardly linger somewhere between Jill’s cellphone and her cleavage way longer than he should have for a show about little children who can dance.

Not that I’m complaining, of course.  Cuz you know I love me some Jill Vertes.  Maybe I just need to cut back on my Niagara when she’s on screen.

Snap.  Went there.

Naturally, the call went unanswered, which made me wonder how it’s possible that Christi never bothered to set up her voice mail the whole time she was on the show.  You had four years, honey.  Either take it to the Genius Bar or tell the post-production editing department to stop making you look like a raging bitch.

Snap.  That’s twice now.  And it’s only the premiere.

h3

Somewhere around this point was when Abby realized that four little girls barely even qualify for the Group Routine category, so she picked up her new iPhone (…no wonder nobody else could get the Gold one…Lifetime snarffed ‘em all up…) and placed a mystery call to somebody, asking if they could fly out to Pittsburgh and join the party.

Conveniently enough, Kalani Hilliker and her Mom Kira have their own private jet because I swear they were both walking through the studio door before Abby even hung up on them.  Dr. Beyoncé was all like AwHellNah and Jill was all like SayWhat? and then Melissa had her first Eye Twitch of Season Five.

And my Twitter feed got all ‘Molegate.’  Again.

Really?  I’m not doing this for another 32 episodes, people.  I can’t.  I don’t know what happened to it.  It was there.  And then it was gone.  And now it was kinda sorta back again, but not really.  I just can’t.  One season was enough.

Beyond all that hysteria, there was a lot of stress juice leaking from every one of the Moms this week.  I think they were probably just reacting to all the changes and the fact that the Original Recipe Mom Team was no more.  It’s sad to lose your friends, so I don’t think all the negativity up in the Perch was coming from an intentionally mean place.

Holly chewed on Kira a little bit.  Jill snarked on Christi’s Social Media skills.  (Since Christi won’t follow me on Twitter, bonus points were given to Jill on this one just because…)

And then I’m pretty sure Melissa accused Kelly of still using dial-up.  Apparently the Hyland household isn’t wired for high speed internet because Melissa totally trash talked Kelly’s computer skills like she still had tin foil wrapped around her bunny ear TV antennas or something.

Somehow the girls even managed to get a little rehearsing in before leaving for Niagara Falls, which gave skinny Abby time to yell at them just like not-as-skinny Abby used to do.

And then finally, it was Showtime!

And time for this woman.  Who just gave me Life.

al2

No clue who she is.  But she was into it.  Into.  It.

And it was also time for Paige Hyland to slap a lawsuit on Abby, citing mental abuse and unlawful working conditions during her tenure at the ALDC.  You already know the scoop on that one.  TMZ milked that cow dry when it first happened.  They just didn’t tell us it happened on the day the remaining Moms and kids were piling onto a bus.

Side note:  They showed that flashback clip where Paige is standing all by herself in the studio looking like a kid whose Mom just abandoned her in the mall on Christmas Eve.  I hate that clip.

I’m going to assume that everyone went to a hotel first, because when the bus pulled up to the venue Abby had even bigger hair than when she left Pittsburgh and nobody was wearing the same clothes they had on when they put their luggage in the trunk.  There’s no way they could have done that kind of transformation in one tiny bus bathroom.

As usual, the waiting crowd went bonkers.  There were a few ‘I Heart Chloe’ signs that looked like they were glitter glued and painted by the same intern who does all the America Idol audience posters, but whatever.

I missed where the actual event took place, but it looked like an old Costco because everyone was in folding chairs on one flat cement floor, trying to see around the person in front of them.  If I had driven ten hours to Niagara Falls just to look at the back of Abby Lee Miller’s hair I would be soooo not happy.

Kendall’s solo was awesome.  She was like Sheena of the Jungle with a spear and everything.  First Place!

Nia came in Second Place, but scored the top spot as far as I was concerned because she rocked a Roy Lichtenstein costume that made her look like she had just jumped off the cover of the latest issue of Marvel Comic’s SuperNia.

Power of:  Death Drop.  Let’s go fight crime.  And be sassy while we do it, mmmkay?

n1

Holly’s HollyFaces when Nia dances, tho.

Kalani channeled Austin Powers Girlfriend during her/Chloe’s routine.

She came in Second in her division.  Probably because she didn’t wear The Beard.

Because she totally wore The Beard for the Freak Show group routine later in the event and the ALDC came in First Place.  I’m not saying Kalani’s not a good dancer.  I’m just saying that when I was in third grade a kid sang a made-up song in a construction paper hat dressed as Abraham Lincoln and won First Prize, too, so facial hair seems to be the common denominator if you want to snatch some trophies for your case.

And then it got a little odd, because the emcee/director/Ryan Seacrest guy took the mic and let the entire audience know how much Sheer Talent loves and supports Abby.

Not for nothing.  That was nice of him, I guess.  But honestly, if I was the owner of Miss Clementine’s School of Tap and Jazz Handing and was going home with a couple of 9th place trophies and a bunch of kids with sore feet and bad attitudes, I’m not so sure I’d want to sit there and hear about how amazing my competition was when I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me.

And then Ryan Seacrest even called Abby up on stage where she started this impromptu motivational BeTheBestYouCanBe speech that I swear would have ben accompanied by Nia’s Maya Angelou Dance if she could have gotten all the polka dots off her face in time.

So, yeah.

Moral of the Story:  The kids still love to dance.  And the Moms still love their kids.

Dance Moms is back.

Freakin’ Finally.

kg


Featuring Recent Posts WordPress Widget development by YD

%d bloggers like this: