DanThat'sCool!

 

 

I’m really pretty. And I’m a little crazy. But basically, I’m really just pretty crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

Ahoy, matey! It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, don’t cha know. Aaaaarrrrrggggh!

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah. That’s the spot. That’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby. Mama likes.

 

 

 

 

 

I knew they were gonna deduct points because I smelled like yak and camel toe. I told her so.

 

 

 

I went to the zoo and got these crazy cool flamingo glasses. And this t-shirt. And enough long term emotional scars to last a lifetime.

 

 

 

 

I mean, come on. Look at this thing. Fake pink diamonds on a skull crown? Haters gonna hate.

 

 

 

 

Srsly? White people are crazy. Child…that ain’t no booty.

 

 

 

 

Yo Ho.  Yo Ho.  Shiver me timbers and Aaaaargggh.  And stuff.

It was Hijinx on the High Seas as Toddlers & Tiaras plundered our senses with an over the top pirate-themed extravaganza, all courtesy of Bailey’s Pageants.

There were pirates, pirates and more pirates.  And a parrot impersonator.  And then some more pirates.

All under the direction of one of the whackiest, and most fan favorite-ist of all Pageant Directors, Tonya Bailey!

You know Tonya.  Everyone knows Tonya.

While she will never be able to compete with the finger snapping OhNoSheDin’t sass of my Secret Crush Director Girlfriend Annette Hill, Ms. Bailey compensates for that missing chromosome with some seriously crazy eyes and the kind of enthusiasm for her craft that would trigger seizures in most people.

She can also somehow manage to turn one lick of an FAO Schwarz cash register lollipop into a viral internet soft porn download, but that was a whole other episode.

Google it so I don’t get off track, if you’re really into that kind of thing.

Needless to say, I was a little concerned when we first met up with Tonya this week because one of her crazy orbs was covered up with an even crazier crystallized Lady Gaga eye patch, and I was afraid that she might have been involved in some horribly disfiguring glitter glue gun accident or something back at the Pageant Lab.

Then I remembered that the whole thing was supposed to be all about pirates, and it made more sense.  Not much more.  But more sense.

The It’s A Glitzy Life Pageant was all about the Glitz.  The bigger and faker…the better.

And the ultimate über düber winner would score a one of a kind Sparkle Skull Crown, just like the skull on a pirate ship flag.  Except that this one was wearing a pink tiara.  I guess that’s how you tell the difference between regular pirates who pillage and plunder in search of gold coins and bar wenches with questionable morals versus glitz pirates who just wear flippers and blow finger kisses.  The tiara is the clue, if you’re playing along at home.

Our first pirate princess wannabe was 5 year old Elesha and her slightly dazed Mom Beth.  Let’s be nice and just say they were in over their heads.

Elesha was fairly new to the pageant biz, and according to Mom, had yet to win anything of any importance.  No big crown.  Nothing.  One pageant she had actually only won Pixie Stix, which is kind of odd considering that everyone in the audience is shoveling them down before the show even starts each week.  Not sure what made those Pixie Stix so special that they were given away as prizes, unless somebody underestimated attendance and had to swipe the first thing they could find in the lobby during crowning.

I’m going to assume that Beth was slightly dazed because she was raising two children as a single mother while working to support her family and put her daughter through the expensive pageant system.

And that she had just finished filming back to back episodes of Hoarders.

Seriously.  I’m not even trying to be mean.  I’m just stating the facts, ma’am.

Beth.  Honey.  It’s not like TLC just showed up unannounced with a camera crew and a sound guy, asking if there happened to be any family members at home with a passion for both extreme room clutter and toddler beauty pageants.

You knew company was coming.  Pick it up a little.

Or at least make a path to the bathroom.  It’s gonna be a long day of filming, and television production people drink a lot of coffee.

Let’s be real.  Even if Elesha does someday win that elusive crown, and it could eventually happen because she is ridiculously precious in that shy kind of way, she’ll never find it again in that house.  I personally lost track of Big Brother Zachery at least three times when he disappeared behind a fort made out of last year’s holiday decorations and broken Fisher Price toys.  Clean Up.  Aisle 4.

On the opposite end of the spectrum was 8 year old Daisy and her perky Mom April.

They were born to shop.  And to spend money on pageants.  And to talk about it until you wanted to slap someone.  Twice.

Daisy was known on the circuit as that beautiful and fabulous and perfect Dancing Queen with a $3,000 dress that cost more than her Mom’s wedding gown.  And proud of it.  Because she was beautiful and fabulous and perfect.

Daisy was also at that transitional age where being cute and talking about how beautiful and fabulous and perfect you are is about one birthday candle from crossing the line into being not quite so cute.

Think: Alaska.  The pageant kid, not the state.  You saw how well that piece of attitude worked out on camera.

After applying two coats of flavored lip gloss, finding her emotional center and getting into her personal Interview Zone, Daisy did a little Show & Tell for us as Mom and Wynonna Judd watched from the sidelines.

Or at least she looked like Wynonna Judd.  They didn’t really say.  They never do.

There was also some random baby wearing a headband being lugged around.  And a puppy that they kept swapping out with Headband Baby when their arms got tired.

You know I love when that unexplained  s*** just kind of happens in a scene.

The third and final princess pretty much caused me to wave the white pirate flag and deactivate my laptop spellcheck before introductions were even completed.

In untelevised ceremonies held before the actual pageant, tiny 4 year old Paetynn and her Mom Broughnman had clearly already been awarded the Best Use Of The Pageant Name-Generating Machine skull crown and trophy.

Are those even real names?  One of them is spelled like something from Middle Earth, and the other one I swear I saw printed on a sausage link at one of those Hickory Farms kiosks that block every aisle during Christmas.

I loved the two of them, and Paetynn needs to be squished she is so cute, but it’s probably a safe bet that I’ll misspell at least one of their names before the week’s hilarity is fully recapped because I’m not much for scrolling back up to proofread anything.

Broughschnitzel explained how Paetynn was an absolute blessing.  A handful of blessings, actually.  Which is MomCode for If she draws one more smiley face on the wall with permanent magic marker, I swear I’m going to lose my nut as soon as the sound guy finishes his Starbucks and goes to use the restroom.

When she wasn’t defacing walls, Paetynn was busy dating, and had somehow managed to scoop up Justin Bieber while he was on the rebound from that whole nasty Selena Gomez mess.  Yup.  He’s off the market again already, ladies.

As yet another random child hung from the top rail of a bunk bed, Paetynn clutched a well worn Justin Bieber action figure, tongued his framed photo and caught a whiff of a porcelain puppy dog figurine passing gas.  And then Justin smelled it.  I swear.

A handful of blessings, I tell you.

Two of the most important attributes for any pageant princess are confidence and massive hair.  And as it turned out, Elesha was severely lacking in both categories.

The hair could have easily been fixed with one strategically placed rug if Mom had so chosen (…Spoiler Alert: Points deducted for Mom’s bad decision later in the game…) but it was clear that the lack of confidence was proving to be an issue.  So it was time to face your fears, kiddo.

And nothing cures a child of their deep rooted fear of public speaking and pretty feeting like a road trip to the local zoo.

I know, right?  It’s hilarious because one has nothing to do with the other.

For what ever reason, Beth felt that a leisurely safari-style viewing of exotic animals might somehow help her daughter shine on stage, so the gang all headed to the Topsey Exotic Ranch to get their jungle love on.

Whereas in Africa you watch the majestic beauty of the Land unfold before your very eyes from the comfort and safety of a double decker tour bus, at Topsey’s you basically just stall your car out in the middle of the road and let some wildlife climb inside and try to drive stick.  Tour Guide Antoine Dodson explains it best:

Hide yo’ kids!  Hide yo’ wife!  He’s climbin’ in da windows!  He’s snatchin’ yo’ people up!

Seriously.  By the time a yak had munched down on Beth’s naughty bits and Elesha was almost sucked out the sunroof by a pair of moist camel lips, I couldn’t even watch Madagascar on HBO without the lights on.

Daisy’s trip to the dance studio was not quite as exciting, though we did learn that she was not familiar with the term “soul”…though it was unclear whether that was because she had not grown one yet, or that it had already been drained from her body by the Alaska Pageant Monster.  Only time will tell.

Finally, it was Showtime…and Makenzie Myers was there!!!  She’s baaaaack!

The original T&T hissy fit queen was briefly spotted in the parking lot and it gave me life.

Part of me wishes her Mom Juana had started her on cigarettes at an early age, just so we could stunt her growth and keep her forever little and mouthy like those puppies that never seem to get bigger.

Watch her Makenzie House Mix Music Video here and your life will be complete.

The hair and makeup issues were just like they are every week, but with different kids having melt downs in different spots in the hotel room.  Paetynn cried and didn’t want to put in her teeth.  Daisy was beautiful and fabulous and perfect, but for some reason felt the need to tie a sissy dog chihuahua to the bed post, as if he could go anywhere with the door shut.  Elesha had not followed the pre-game instructions on proper hair care and her frizz was all gummy, which really rubbed her Hair Lady the wrong way.

Maybe she should have taken some lessons from emcee Todd Bailey, who was rocking his signature frosted Boy Band tips and WD-40 freeze foam.  Don’t you worry, girls…those spikes will never go out of style as long as there’s a pageant and a Gold’s Gym franchise south of the Jersey Turnpike.

I know he’s a Bailey, but I’ve always been too lazy to see how he’s related to Tonya.

The G-rated side of me assumes he’s a son or a nephew, but I tend to always lean towards the R-rated side which has the poor guy pegged as Tonya’s cougar lover.

Dude’s hair is as sticky as Mama’s lollipop, and you know how that story ended.

Bros before Pretty Toes, though, so we’re tight.  He cracks me up in a good way.

From what I could tell, the judges were all part of some overseas girl band and one of them seemed to have forgotten to pack a comb in her carry-on.  Bigzilla hair.

Beauty and Pirate Wear all kind of blended in together, because everything was prefaced or concluded with “Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!” or “Booty.”

I mean everything.

After momentarily losing Elesha, Mom got her back in time to throw her up on stage to ad lib, which unfortunately has the same number of letters as loser.

Do not ad lib.  Nothing.  Ever.

Fighting off a pack of horny yaks through a car window seemed to have put Beth in both a knee and wrist brace, because she was a hurting unit on pageant day.  She means well, but they were out of their league in this one.

Paetynn pretended to be a parrot that lived in a trunk instead of a cage (…I didn’t ask…) and even though Daisy had some major CD dramz, she maintained her beautifulness and blah…blah…blah.

Then some kids won some stuff.  You know it’s crowning when Todd takes his jacket off.

The ones you expected to win…won.

The others…not so much.

It was literally Bootyful.

Spaaaaaaarrrggghhhle, Baby.

 

 

Trust me. There’s a Government Hair Conspiracy out there that no one ever talks about.

 

 

 

 

 

My menthols bring all the boys to the yard like rama lama ding dong, Haters.

 

 

 

 

Why would anyone give such a young child a cigarette? I mean…look at all that hairspray. They’re lucky she didn’t explode.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So not fair. All I got was a juice box and that bitch got a carton of smokes?

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously. I can’t stop looking at it. And she’s holding it all wrong, too.

 

 

 

 

We’ll always be together.

Like Shoo Bop Shoo Wadda Wadda Go Go Go Go Go Juice.

Or something.

The point is…we’ll always be together.  At least until there is no more Crazy for us to dwell on, anyway.  Then I’ll probably just flake on you.

But until then there’s Toddlers & Tiaras.  And if the latest episode is any indication, it doesn’t look like either of us are going anywhere soon.

It was the Beautiful Me: ’50s Pageant/Rockin’ Around The Clock, which took us all like Greased Lightening to a simpler time when roller skating car hops brought you soda fountain specialties and 4 year old girls smoked Lucky Strike unfiltereds on the daycare playground.

I know you miss those days.  They were good times.

As perky Pageant Director Angela Smith explained, this 1950′s themed extravaganza was giving away over $10,000 in prizes to some lucky winner.  Since the Top Dawg would only score $2,000 and probably not even recoup the asking price tag on her new cupcake dress,  I’m not really sure where the other $8,000 was headed.  But Angela seemed legit so I didn’t question her math skills.

She gave a quick run down on all the waitresses and malt shop employees that would be showing up for the ’50′s Outfit of Choice (…OOC if you’re transposing this via your Flash Gordon DeCoder Ring…) portion of the contest and how it was all going to go down at the hotel.

I’ll admit to getting a little excited when I first heard 1950′s, thinking that we would finally see some pint-sized Creature from the Black Lagoon or a little Invasion of the Glittered Body Snatchers.  Or The Blob.

The Blob would have been waaay cool.  But no such luck.

Apparently there was a Happy Days clause buried somewhere in the online registration form, because pretty much every princess was either serving ice cream or holding a Coca Cola bottle hot glued to a frisbee tray.  Maybe next time.

Thankfully, though, a few girls thought out of the box.  Or tobacco carton.

But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

Our first contestant was 22 month old Ava and her crazy haired Mom Jessica.

Loved.  Mom.

Google “crazy pageant mom” and there’s Jessica.  But she’s the good kind of crazy, not the flip out and start crying in Russian kind of crazy.

Jessica is that loud woman you always hear at the Walmart snack bar telling a story about what happened the other night when she went to Target.  But she never finishes the story because she goes off on 42 different tangents and then does one of those explosive laughs that usually end up with gum flying out of her mouth and landing in that little container of cheese you get with your road salt pretzel.

The only thing bigger than her personality was her hair, which could probably stop a bullet better than those kevlar vests the cops always wear when college kids start tipping over cars after the Super Bowl.

She was In.  Sane.  But the good kind.

Eyes going everywhere.  Hands going everywhere.  Hair going everywhere.  Even one mosquito going everywhere that Jess was afraid would make the viewing public think her house was all “Nasty Up In Here.”  

And how ’bout that ’80s hair?  Whoa.  There was so much of it that it quite possibly may have been ’80s and the very beginning of the ’90s hair all ratted up together with some kind of NASA sealant that always made it look like she went swimming three days ago and was still waiting for it to air dry.

Seriously.  Where do you go to get hair like that?  Where is that salon?

I mean…I’m always standing behind these people while they’re digging through their damn fanny packs looking for that 25 cents off breadstick coupon that they swear is in there somewhere, but I’ve never seen them actually getting their hair did.  I really need to go there.

Jessica used to do pageants when she was younger, which explained a lot.

You know when they plopped a crown on that head, they didn’t need no stinkin’ bobby pins.  That Monster Truck Pull hair probably just latchd on to it like it had a life of its own and didn’t let go until they were home safe and sound.

Grandma Helen was just as whacky, but with a much more manageable ‘do.

Honestly, by the time Gram had finished demonstrating proper top down on your convertible parade waves and shown us how they booty pop over at the Senior Center, I totally forgot the episode was supposed to be about that little kid sitting on the floor.

Love me some crazy, and I loved those two.

At one point, bite sized Ava did slap her Mom in the chops, which they don’t really condone in child rearing books.  But the kid was wearing a pretty funky dress that said “I’m So Fabulous, I Cry Glitter” and part of me just really wanted that on a t-shirt for the gym…so I’ll it slide this time.

But no more punching, Miss Thing.  Save it for the guys who are gonna beat me up when I hit the locker room wearing my new shirt.

Next we were off to visit with 4 year old Destiny and her Mom Lisa.

Mom explained that, never having done pageants herself as a child, she was absolutely living her dreams through her daughter.  Destiny then pig piled on top of that one and explained that she liked pageants because…well…because her Mom said so.

You do the math.  Next family, please.

Last stop was to meet 8 year old Emma and Mom Vikki.

Emma hated to practice, loved to watch television and proudly let us all know right from the start that she was internationally known for her Emmatude, which at first sounded like Inner Tube and got me all discombobulated for a second.

Mom was very nice but seemed like she hadn’t completely sucked down the Pageant Kool-Aid yet, because once in awhile she looked like Moms do when they wish their kids had just tried out for the school chorus instead of a hobby that required road trips and 27 plastic bins full of fake hair.  Pageants are a lot of work, people.

Especially when you’re chasing your kid around trying to steal the remote out of her grubby paws.

For this pageant, Ava was getting some new photos done by Miss Alicia.

Normally, it seems like all these pageant people do is have their pictures taken.  But remembering that little Ava is only 22 months old, I don’t really know how many photos she could have realistically stockpiled so far beyond a sonogram and maybe that inkpad thing they do with the bottom of your foot.  So this time it was probably justified.

And again.  She’s 22 months.  So needless to say, getting Ava to sit up and focus on her Mad Hatter’s Tea Party movie set was a little challenging, to say the least.  Imagine trying to prop up one of those bean bag stuffed animals you win at the Fair, except all the beans are either in the head or the butt and the wobbly thing keeps tipping over and throwing donuts at you at the same time.

Luckily Jessica’s hair was so amazing that I was as easily distracted as Ava and didn’t really notice any of the drama.

Not only had Jess driven to the photo shoot with her head out the sunroof the entire time, but she had also somehow managed to face backwards on the highway.

Or maybe she just really teased and smooshed the back of her hair up more than normal.  Dunno.  But it was amazing.  And I loved it.

While Jess was picking up stray donuts, Emma and her Mom were bribing each other at the dress shop.

Vikki wanted Emma to wear a black dress.  Emma wanted the pink one.  Then Emma locked herself in the dress shop bathroom and Mom tried to remember if she had ever heard of a soprano in the school chorus having this kind of diva meltdown over a lousy cupcake dress.

Over at Destiny’s house, she was rehearsing her We Go Together routine from Grease, and it was right around here that things started getting really good.

Based on the movie’s finale when good girl Olivia Newton John comes back to school all tightly hooched up for John Travolta‘s greaser boy with the best name ever Danny (…insert your own Travolta/Masseuse joke here ________ …) Mom thought it would be a hoot to have Destiny come out smoking a cigarette.

I know, right?

Because if it’s good enough for Sandy, it’s gotta be good enough for a 4 year old.  Plus, Destiny’s missing a few teeth, so the filter part would slide right in like it was meant to be there.

You knew how this one was gonna end before it even started, as Destiny kept squawking that she needed the “the real one” instead of having to fake an invisible doobie between her fingers.

Don’t deny Baby her smokes.  You know how she gets.

Back at Casa Hair, we got to meet Ava’s Dad Chad, who could not have wanted to be there any less if the building was on fire.

Really nice guy, but you know as soon as someone stops blinking and says they would rather watch paint dry than sit through a pageant…yeah, it’s over.

Thanks for playing, dude.  Drive safe.

Jessica spit out some more gum and said “Roll with the ‘Fro” for some reason as Dad left to pluck out his own goatee hair by hair.

Finally it was Showtime!

I was oddly fascinated by the emcee with the spiked up hair and the Adult Contemporary radio station voice.  Every time he opened his mouth I wondered if he was going to announce one of the kids, give us a little backstory on the next Barry Manilow CD or tear his own face off to reveal that Mr. Rogers was actually still alive and doing pageant voice overs.

Beautiful Music.  For Beautiful People.  You’re all special.  WWT&T.FM

Hair and makeup went the way it always does.  Those scenes have all been pretty interchangeable since the Makenzie Myers heyday ended.

Oh.  No.  I’m sorry.  I’m not doing that.

There are still plenty of meltdowns, but very few compare.

Destiny kept spitting out her soda like Linda Blair.  Emma’s makeup artist had requested her face be blurred out like an episode of COPS, which I think was probably due to the embarrassment of being seen in that nasty shirt she was wearing.

The biggest drama was Ava’s hair.

Jessica wanted to use the wiglet, while the hair girl wanted to use the baby fall.  I know….drama.

The one thing you don’t F*** with around Jessica is hair, because the bitch knows her stuff and the whole thing was working her last nerve.  By the time tiny Ava was hooked up with the wiglet and no ringlets, Jessica was certain that she had stumbled onto an industry-wide pageant conspiracy where hairdressers were intentionally plopping the wrong wigs on the wrong kids to throw the game.

Despite the emergence of an international coiffure espionage ring, all three little girls did well in the Beauty portion.  Ava became a little mesmerized by the hot floor lights on the stage and tried to touch them like a burner in the kitchen, but she’s a quick learner.

Hot.  Hot.  Boo Boo Kitty.

By the time the ’50s Wear rolled around, the paint in Chad’s garage had probably dried and the girls were ready to go.

Ava recovered from the hot stove lights just in time to see the girl before her use the same pink Barbie car that they were just about to hoist up for her own routine.  Mom was horrified that the judges would now not only think that her home was full of fruit flies, but that she also has to borrow props from total strangers.

Most likely to save some money for new window screens and a case of Raid, I would assume.  Have you been to Home Depot lately?  It’s not like they’re giving those things away.

Emma channeled Lucille Ball’s Carmen Miranda dance and was this week’s unlucky recipient of the scary slo-mo music, which always means you just forgot something.

But the night belonged to leather wearing, chain smoking Destiny who came out toking it like Spring Break, much to the shock and awe of the audience and the judges.

For the first time in Toddlers & Tiaras history, the now classic “Sparkle Baby” mantra was replaced with “Don’t Forget To Smoke” as Mom rolled her a fresh one and sent her out on stage.

Hey.  Relax.  I just embellish…I mean…report it.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Destiny got a Beautiful Me logo ashtray and won the Personality prize.  Emma scored Ultimate Face which I always think is a funny title.  Ava brought home Beauty Supreme and then threw her crown like a Mad Hatter donut and broke it before she ever got home to see Dad’s paint job.

As Jessica’s massively amazing hair blocked out the last bit of sun and night fell on the ’50s, everyone headed back to their respective mini vans and she left us with one last gem.

Jessica likes to do pageants.  No denying it.  But she likes to eat even more.

Yeah.  Definitely eating first.

Seriously.  How can you not love her?  And who let that fly all up in here?

A Wop Bam Boom.

 

 

Well, it ain’t no Booty Pop Cop, but whatever brings home the big a** crown, bitches.

 

 

 

 

Whoa. Seriously. What the hell? When did it stop being all about me? This sucks like a Ni-Ni.

 

 

 

 

 

When I close my eyes at night, in my head I pretend I’m Ryan Seacrest and then I cry a little.

 

 

 

 

Watch and learn. This is how you put the ragin’ in cajun. Any questions?

 

 

 

 

 

That’s what I’m talking about. Toss me some beads and show me your flippers, girls!

 

 

 

Forget Fat Tuesday.

Been there.  Done that.

The party starts on Sparkle Baby Wednesday.

And who better than our favorite glittery guilty pleasure Toddlers & Tiaras to show us how Mardi Gras was supposed to have been done all these years?

This week it was all about the Miss Mardi Gras Madness Pageant in beautiful Shreveport, Louisiana.  And believe me, the South was ready to represent.

In case there was actually anyone alive on planet Earth who had never heard of Mardi Gras or T&T (…which, before we were even presented with any of the deets already sounded like it had the potential to be one of the most lethal, sparkly combinations ever…) Pageant Director Tonya Bailey came to our rescue to make certain that we all understood the guidelines and expectations of the event.

Tonya is a pretty big deal on the Glitz Circuit, what with having her own namesake Barnum & Bailey’s Pageants biz, or whatever it is called.  But as impressive as that may be on her resume, she has quickly come to be even better known for some seriously crazy a** eyeballs that demand both unwavering attention and hourly Visine drips.

And then as if that pair of jumbo marbles wasn’t enough notoriety, way back in an earlier episode, in a clumsy attempt at defending the pageant art form against all the haterz in the hizzle, Tonya took the adult lollipop out of her mouth and kinda sorta replaced it with her foot.

And I quote.  Almost…

“I think that it’s easy for someone to say that beauty pageants are abusive.  You can see a girl in gymnastics all day long, and she doesn’t even get to eat. At least these kids get Pixie Stix.”

Defense rests.  Case goes to the Jury.

Oy.  Sometimes I swear Girlfriend is putting the drops in her drink instead of her eyes.  I think it might be time for somebody to start reading labels.

The first contestant’s intro started out with quite a bang.  Actually, it was a bang that sounded more like a bean fart, but I think it was supposed to be a bang.

Victoria, who was someone related to 5 year old Tori and pretty much dropped into the first scene from a tree branch, totally nailed her own 15 minutes of fame before we even got a glimpse of the first pageant hopeful by running in front of every live camera shot carrying one of those Playdough cans that make butt gas noises when you poke them.

Vicky even attempted to mangle a few LMAO lyrics by declaring that “I’m gassy and I work out.”

Nice try, honey.  But it’s either “I’m gassy and I know it” or don’t even bother.  I don’t play when it comes to my dance tunes.  Mmmkay?

Tori was a little pageant cutie, but before she could even open her mouth and demonstrate that cuteness, Mom Ali had to go and open hers.

It was right around that point that I can guarantee you most of America probably did their first head slap, all on cue with the first nugget of Ali’s observational wisdom.

Even though Ali’s eyes were much smaller and less penetrating than Ms. Bailey’s, she didn’t seem to have as much control of them as they rolled and squinted and generally tossed their own attitude around the room.  She also liked to stick her tongue out a lot to add another layer of emphasis to all the wisdom she was spewing.

For starters, we learned that everyone who thinks her daughter is not the bomb diggity was ignorant.  So ignorant they deserved her deadly blaahhhh tongue.

We also learned early on that you don’t need to spend half your husband’s paycheck on an expensive dress, because pretty kids don’t need expensive dresses.

It’s the ugly kids who need the fluffy dresses.  True dat.  The ugly ones.

The f**ing uglier the kid, the fuglier the dress, as the saying goes.

If you see a kid in a big, fluffy cupcake dress than you know even her Mama knows she’s ugly.  And you can’t fix ugly, you can only fluff it.

Gospel.  If I’m lying, I’m dying.  From the mouth…and tongue…of Ali.

As Ali went to check on how many big, fluffy dresses she had purchased from Kohl’s in grown-up sizes, we scooted over to 10 year old Jasmine‘s crib.

Jazz…look at me, I just gave her a nickname whether she wants one or not…is going to be a long and lean Diva Machine when she grows up.  Not just because she kept telling us that she would, but because you could just tell.

Without breaking into the house and looking at her birth certificate, I’m going to assume she is on the late end of 10, only because she is getting pretty tall.  Mom Tiffanie better brace herself for some heartbroken boys in the near future, because Jazz is percolating some fierceness that is gonna need to be served up in a jumbo cup when it’s hot enough.

Aunt Denetra, who also played the role of Pageant Coach and Giver of the Sass, had it all going on and put Miss Jazz through her paces during rehearsals.

Mom and Auntie were both a hoot, and you could totally tell that they tear out magazine photos and change their looks every time they go and get their hair did.

The only time I flinched was when Jazz went on and on about how much she loved herself.  She loved herself more than anyone else loved her.  Ever.  And there should be a reward for being awesome.

And someone should bottle it and call it Jazz’s Awesome Sauce.

Better watch that, missy.  That kind of ‘tude is cute when you’re 5 and running around the house in your undies with a towel for a Superman cape (…Look at me!  I’m flying in my underwear and I’m freakin’ awesome!…) but on the late end of 10 you’re almost asking to get slapped on your 11th birthday by a girl in gym class.  Just be careful.

Contestant number three turned out to be everyone’s favorite booty poppin’ cop, 6 year old Amiya.

As Mom Laura explained, accompanied by a classic T&T flashback, Amiya is best known for the racy tube top booty pop police officer outfit she squeezed into for a previous competition.  The one where she stood on the hood of a Big Wheel cop car and shook what Laura gave her while handcuffed bank robbers threw ink stained dollar bills and did double duty as back up dancers.

(Part of that may have been fabricated, before you go and waste any valuable time Googling youtube videos.)

Pageants were Laura’s way of helping Amiya break out of her shell.

I think we can check that one off the bucket list.

Prepping for the big day is always more fun to watch than the actual event, and almost always more fun for everyone involved as well.  But nothing can ruin that fun more than opening your FedEx box and hating your new glitz dress.  Just ask Tori.

Tori is a pint sized fashionista.  Kind of like Kim Kardashian without the big butt, adult teeth and sex tape.  So she knows what she likes and dislikes, and when Dad Michael came home with her new dress stuffed in a cardboard box, she wanted that thing returned to sender asap.

First meltdown of the evening?  Check.

Jasmine’s practice sessions really cut into her ice cream consumption, but Auntie had the final say.  With her Game Face fully adhered, Denetra werked it up into a lather with young Jasmine, though at times it wasn’t clear exactly what hip actions Auntie was trying to choreograph because she was wearing the oddest pair of high rise Urkel pants I’ve ever seen on a sistah.  But I loved her.

Amiya apparently had a better handle on her stage routine, because she could afford the time to hit the town for some age inappropriate French tips.  The nail tech was not a big fan of the idea, but nothing can change someone’s mind faster than a bullying Pageant Mom and a full tip jar.

Acrylics adhered?  Check.

Someone needs to make a crown in the shape of a John Deere trucker cap so we can have a special award for Most Time, Effort  & Money Spent on a stage prop.  And then immediately give that bad boy to Tori’s Dad, because Mike must have missed most of hunting season to build that monster truck float contraption she got to ride into town on.

What started out as one of those plywood boxes that you cover your sump pump with ended up morphing into one sweet motorized Mardi Gras float, thanks to most of Tori’s first year of tuition and a hidden 4wheeler.

Not gonna lie.  I was kind of jealous.  My tongue was hanging out almost as far as Ali’s.

Spray paint the BatSignal on the side and I can think of about ten places right off the top of my head where I would love to make an entrance riding that thing.  It even had a gas pedal that Tori got to step on to make it scoot across the highway in her Michael Jackson costume.

Seriously.  Once it was all decorated with balloons and glitter and tinsel you could totally take that bitch 4wheeling on Fire Island or plow through the wall of RuPaul’s Drag U like a tucked wrecking ball.

I raise a glass of Jazz’s Awesome Sauce to you, dude.  Well played.

Since it was cool, but not licensed for state highways, Mike had to figure out how to transport that monstrosity and then everyone was off to the pageant.  I’m going to assume Ali’s tongue was flapping out the side window the whole way like a german shepherd.

There was, of course, the required drama in the hotel rooms before Miss Mardi Gras Madness was unleashed on the public.

Amiya’s Mom never had time to get the cupcake dress actually fitted, so as Laura went all DIY spaz on the thing with staples and pins and a soldering gun, she broke the back chain.

Panic mode activated?  Check.

Dad Reginal (…I know, right?  Someone really has that name.  I thought it was just on sitcoms…) helped Mom channel her inner MacGyver, and through the magic of hair bows, safety pins and chewing gum they managed to keep the dress together.

As far as NOT keeping it together goes…that one was all Ali.

For reasons which she never fully divulged, Mom had hired Dane Dane McAlister to rat up Tori’s hair.  Since I don’t normally style my own ‘do in anything remotely resembling Pageant Hair before I leave for work, I can’t really speak to how big a deal Dane Dane is in the world of big hair.  But I guess she must be sumthin sumthin if she gets hired to do this kind of work work.

Or not.

Review the video tape.  I don’t know what was going on up there, but it wasn’t good.

Half curled.  Half straight.  Half flat ironed.  And the last half never even saw a comb.

Ali pretty much just repeated over and over how much she hated the hair and cried for the rest of the show.  She really should have just left early to beat traffic.

Emcee Todd Bailey was as hyped up about the show as the other Bailey was.  It can’t be just a coincidence that they both have the same last name, but I’m too lazy to go find out the connection.  Since I don’t feel like creeping Facebook to find out how they’re related, in my head I’m just going to make up some story about him being her younger cougar lover.  I’m sure it’s nothing as exotic as that.  Maybe someday when I have time on my hands I’ll look into it.

Not to steal the spotlight from this weeks trifecta, but for me the highlight of the whole Mardi Gras thing was seeing my girl Makenzie Myers back from the dead!!

Where you been, girl? Hit me up.

Man, I miss her meltdowns.  You want me to what?  I’m sorry.  I’m not doing it.

Then the pageant happened, and some kids did some stuff.  Amiya got a little dingled up in her party streamer archway, and somebody off stage stepped on the power cord right when Jasmine’s music was supposed to start.  After a brief freeze frame, she pulled it together and made Auntie proud.

Tori managed to keep control of her rolling army tank and didn’t drive off the stage and crush anyone.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Oh, please.  Just like when I ramble on and on about Dance Moms, you ain’t here for the judging transcripts.

It was madness, I tell you.

Mardi Gras Madness.