Posts Tagged ‘Masters Of Dance Arts’

Dance Moms: Sorry, Honey. No Solo For You. Old Moms, New Moms And Wannabes Throwing Down In Motown.

Wednesday, March 5th, 2014




Gotta make sure I get a good shot of these new pants. There’s a lot going on down there.






I know, right? My first book! Which is one more than the rest of you. So suck on that for a few.






Honestly, I was just looking for the Glitz Pageant. But I’ll take two books, because your man is Fine.







Stop staring at me. I told you it’s gone.







Oh. Hell. No. I know that new Mom did not just throw shade in my face. Gurrrrl…this won’t end well.






I’m pretty sure I don’t need some bitch in last year’s blouse coming in here talking trash.






Think, Girl. Think. Did you unplug the hot rollers this morning? Cuz that could be an issue.




Road trip!

Pack some snacks and gas up the Rambler, girls.

Mama’s got a brand new Louis bag and she’s taking it to Detroit.

Dance Moms hit the highway this week to celebrate Motor City’s hot mess of a financial meltdown.  Because nothing get those toes tapping like $18.5 billion in unpaid debt, right?

Clearly, if you can’t bail yourself out of bankruptcy, the least you can do is dance about it.

Basking in an 8 week glow as Undefeated Champions of the World, Abby Lee Miller and the ALDC gang were revving their engines in anticipation of Number 9 from the minute they all scooted in for the obligatory Pyramid of Shame.

Kelly, Brooke and Paige were still MIA.  Never to return (…at least for now…) and clearly only mentioned in this sentence for the purpose of getting me more Google hits from their fan base.  I’m not proud, but at least I own it.

Before the Big Reveal, there were a couple of topics to discuss.

One:  Abby’s makeup.  Srsly.

I don’t know if it was residual smear on my television screen from Monday’s premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race or what, but Ms. Miller was contoured and highlighted like she was about to lip sync for her life.

I’m not hatin’.  Love you.  Mean it.  But whoa.  Sissy that Face, Miss Thang.

Two:  My girl Holly was all like Well That’s A Nice Story And All, But I Just Published My First Book.  Hollah!  And then she danced a little, I think.   

That’s right.  Dr. Beyoncé finally cranked out the first pressing of ‘Moments Of Clarity’ …a novel chock full of daily affirmations and fashion tips, which you can buy right here.  Or if you’re really that lazy, you can just look to the left of this paragraph, go up a little and then click on her face.  It’s really not rocket science.

But remember…it’s her old ‘do in the graphic.  So don’t get confused.  It’s still her, I swear.

Just before she got her hair did, mmmkay?


And no, I still don’t get commission.  She just owes me lunch.  With dessert, thank you.

All the other Moms gave Holly a big round of applause and immediately got all excited about an upcoming book signing.  Abby even showed a little uncharacteristic support by doing that odd base of her palm thing that she always does to ensure that no acrylics pop off while she’s clapping.  It’s like Monkey Clapping when you pull a surprise banana out of your pocket and they all start throwing themselves against the bars of the cage.

Unfortunately, the entire press release was overshadowed once again by one of Jill‘s crazy a** fur vests.  I’ll even go out on a limb and call it the best one yet.

Well played, Mama Vertes.  I did not know that Star Trek had a couture line.

Captain Kirk would totally tap that.

C’mon.  How much do we love Jill?  Muah.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was filled up with Nia, Kendall and Maddie.  Nia had some headpiece issues in last week’s group dance.  I swear those ALDC girls must grease their heads, because there ain’t one girl in that building who has ever been able to keep something on her head for an entire routine.  Am I wrong?

Kendall did just fine at the last competition, but then Captain Kirk’s new girlfriend mouthed off and sealed her daughter’s fate this week.  So there you go.

Since Maddie was off in Los Angeles last week getting an Oscar for Most Dances With The Same Facial Expression, she had to be on the bottom just because of the rules.  Otherwise I’m certain that she would have been on top again.

The Middle row was special seating for Chloe and Mackenzie, for no real reason other than to leave room at the top for Kalani and that sassy hands on her hips soap opera headshot.  You see that thing?  I thought Abby was going to pull out one of those little plastic handheld fans that big girls take to the beach and try to make Kalani’s hair move in the photo.  Werk.

And then the whole MoleGate Twitter thing started again.

I dunno wassup with Kira.  Why would I?  It’s there.  And then it’s gone.  And then it’s back again.  And then it’s gone again.  Rinse & Repeat.

Somebody even wrote to me specifically to find out what insider information I might have regarding Kira’s upper lip.



Yeah, I’m tight with the Dance Moms crew.  They’ll deny it in court, but we’re BFFs now.  But I draw the line at accompanying any of them to laser treatments.  Even if there are cocktails involved.  Because that would be uncomfortable for at least one of us.

So please stop asking me about you-know-what.

As mentioned earlier, the gang was heading to Detroit for another one of those SpellCheck Nightmare In10sity Dance Competitions.

Maddie and Kendall scored solos, which made both Before and After Treatment Kira question why Kalani was never allowed to go up against a Ziegler.

Spoiler Alert:  She didn’t get very far in that argument even though she did manage to drag it out for the entire hour.

The group routine, entitled Riches To Rags, was a snappy little number about unemployment and financial hardships that got Holly a little concerned.  She’s not big on mocking other people’s hardships.  Even for a trophy.

As Holly voiced her concerns in the MomPerch, Abby was downstairs in the studio explaining why Maddie…and her solo…were both breathtakingly Timeless.  Because she likes to push everyone else’s buttons like that.

All that really mattered during the conversation was Kalani, who instead of knocking Maddie unconscious in front of the cameras, chose instead to just scratch her head with one finger like girls do when their weaves or braids are too tight right before a playground fight.

We could all learn a lot about snarky attitude from that girl.  She’s my new idol and she’s pretty and awesome and pretty awesome.

But no rumble today, kids, because it was time to press some flesh and hug some babies at Holly’s Book Signing.

Held in one of those big hotels that made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, Holly and Barack Obama were holding their first Meet & Greet Autograph Session.

Um.  Hello?  Dr. Holly’s Man Evan?  I have no clue what office he’s running for, but I’m totally voting for him in September.


Dude was schmoozing and waving and hugging s*** like he was a parade marshal or something.  All the Moms dropped by in a show of solidarity.  And Abby.  And most of the cast from The Cosby Show.

Totes jealz that I wasn’t there.  I would have totally sat at that other table with those two Girl Scouts and minded my own business just selling books and Thin Mints.

Back at the ALDC, Kendall was working on her solo while some random baby was being tossed upside down next door in Studio C.  Not sure why we needed to actually see that, but watching some tiny preemie being flipped around like a bean bag did kind of give me life for a second.

Nice try on the somersault, too.  I’m also 80% Head.  So I feel your pain, kid.

Kendall’s dance involved wrapping a pair of pointe shoes around her neck and then whipping them in circles like Britney Spears does with her fake hair.

Meltdown in 3…2…1.

Kendall lost it.  Gianna lost it.  Jill lost it.  The Swinging Is Too Much!  Not Doing It!  Crying.  Doors slamming.  More crying.

And then Maddie went into the studio, learned her entire solo, baked a cake and cured polio in 2.5 minutes.  It was starting to look like a set up.  Or was it?  Hmmm.

All I know is that it was the most I’ve ever heard Kendall talk in 3 years.  She’s sassy.

On the final day before the competition, Abby was MIA and Gianna was large and in charge.  And the first item on her to-do list was to have Melissa come down from the MomPerch and videotape Maddie’s rehearsal for some reason.  

One:  Melissa’s snuggly wuggly pajama jeans were like dropping acid and then sticking your head in a washing machine.  I don’t even know where you find a factory that still makes that pattern in stretch fabric now that the 1960’s are over.

Even Jill hated them.  And when Jill draws the line…well…there you go.

Two:  Everyone was moisturizing up in the Perch.  Which is fine.  It’s cold and dry in Pittsburgh.  I get it.  But when they’re all up there chewing gum and lubing up like a cult it’s just a little creepy.  No wonder their kid’s hats never stay on their heads.


Finally, it was Showtime!  And cameo appearance by a new whack job Mom time!

Fresh from the ALDC Open Call Auditions in New York City, wannabe Mom Jeanette Cota swooped down from some open ceiling tile like a dancing ninja and pounced on Abby as they entered the venue.

Remember me from the Open Call?  Remember me?  And my jungle print Kohl’s blouse?  The blouse that is no where near as cool as Holly’s new flowing Wilma Flintstone animal skin?  Or Mackenzie’s zebra print carry-on?

Do not adjust your set.  There was a lot of Jersey Shore going on this week.

Abby claimed that all these crazy Moms were now stalking her across the country in the hopes of getting their kids onto the ALDC Elite Team.  Jeanette apparently hitchhiked all the way from Michigan to sneak her daughter Ava onto the team.

Which made me wonder what ever happened to that girl from Nebraska who showed up at the studio with Kalani that first day?  She waved, sat down and was never heard from again.  I hope she made it home safely.

They’re from Nebraska, you know.

Backstage was a mess.  I don’t think you need me to tell you that the entire back wall looked like a mall pet store.  At least the part that wasn’t covered in hot pink fabric.  What are they hiding back there?  Why are there cages everywhere?  I think this goes way deeper than any of us initially suspected.

But don’t worry, though.  When Evan gets elected he’ll clean up government.

Kendall and Maddie’s solo went like all the Kendall and Maddie solos.  No news here.

The group routine managed to mock Detroit’s welfare system without anyone in the audience even realizing what was happening on stage.  Luckily Motor City isn’t the one where the Mayor does crack, or that would have substantially more awkward.  And probably harder to score.

Mackenzie did throw a nicely choreographed hissy fit on stage, complete with one of the girls picking her up mid-tantrum.  I almost forgot that she was even on the show this week until she dropped that spaz on us.

Backstage in the pet store, Jeanette busted down the door and started talking smack about Kendall which got both Jill and Kira noticeably wound up.


Fake Kristie Ray Hilliker has gotten much better at tossing her head and whipping those big earrings around lately.  She gets points this week.

And then suddenly it was another Improv Dance Off.  Because they do that a lot lately.  But this one was on stage.  For money or something, I guess.  I dunno.  It just kind of came out of nowhere.  Like Jeanette.

Chloe, Kalani and Random Girl #25 from WhoKnowsWhere ended up being in the Final Three.  Which meant that Ava got cut early, which made Jill and Kira pretty darn happy.  Then Random Girl #25 won the whole thing.

Followed by the Awards.  And some serious MomDancing in the seats.

Sit down, Jill.  You’re drunk.

Kendall scored 9th Place.  Maddie scored 1st Place.  And the group came in Numero Uno.

Nine weeks in a row, beeotches!

To celebrate, Christi and Abby decided to throw down in the hallway again.  Git In M’Face!  Git Outta M’Face!  Keep It Up!  Keep It Up!  Not Scared Of You!

Check out Melissa’s nervous blinking.  And Holly autographing books in the background.

And then Christi called her own mother something that got (bleeped) out.  They even blurred her mouth out like VH1 does when the Mob Wives threaten each other with a fork to the throat.

Nine weeks.  Can they make it Ten?

Will they even live that long?

And what about Kalani?  Is she officially on the Team yet?

And how about that Jeanette lady?  And Ava?

So many questions that will have to go unanswered for now.

At least until next week.

When Candy Apples return.

That’s right.  She’s baaaaack.

But for now…just go away.

It’s over.



Dance Moms: Now You See Her. Now You Don’t. Where Is Abby This Week? And Who’s Running The Show Here?

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013




Oh hey, Girlfriend. Come on in. Just giving myself a keratin treatment and eating that big a** plate of Dunkin’ Donuts back there.





I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do? I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do? I’m touchin’ yo face. Whatcha gonna do?






Pardon me, Ma’am. Is this seat taken? I’d kinda like to see what it feels like to sit with winners for a change. You mind?






Excuse me all to Hell for not coughing up $1,000 for a damn dance class. These weaves ain’t cheap.







Bitch, please. I know synthetic when I see it. And the tag goes in the back. Lawd.







Seriously? Do you really have to pose in every outfit? I’m pretty sure everyone knows by now that you’re the Hot Mom.






Friends don’t let friends drink and drive.  Or ugly cry in high definition.





Sound the alarm.

Release the bloodhounds.

And straighten your feet for crying out loud.

Nobody panic, but Pittsburgh is going on lockdown.  The inmates are running the prison.

If you’re the kind of person who looks for the most bang from your buck, you definitely got your money’s worth this week.  Dance Moms had pretty much everything that you love to hate about the show all stuffed into one jam packed hour.  Mama Drama, tears, hilarity, hysteria, loads of sassy smack talk…and even a few moments of actual dancing.

The only thing they didn’t seem to have was anyone in charge.

That’s right.  For the second week in a row, the ALDC bus was speeding downhill with no brakes and no driver as Abby Lee Miller remained mysteriously absent for the majority of the episode, appearing and disappearing into the shadows like some kind of plus sized Ninja warrior whenever the mood felt right.

The general consensus between all the Moms was that Abby had taken time off to be with her ailing mother, though there were lingering questions regarding a Starpower judging opportunity, some random party girl Instagram postings and that mysterious “Mandy” who kept answering Abby’s cell phone whenever they called.

So basically, no one had any idea what was going on.

Leave it to Melissa to get to the bottom of things.  Before breakfast.

In what was clearly supposed to be a surprise drop-in visit over at Abby’s house (…“Melissa?  Is that you?  Oh, heeeeey”…) Maddie‘s Mom showed up unannounced to check in on Abby and find out what was really going on.  Except that the camera guy clearly beat her to it and was already filming Abby piling up a mound of donuts by the time she got there.

Yeah.  I’m thinking it wasn’t much of an unannounced drive-by unless the camera guy just happened to come over early to help Abby condition her hair.  Some dudes are into that kind of thing I suppose.


And can we talk about how many donuts were on that plate?

Portion control, honey.  You don’t want to slip into a diabetic coma and be found on the floor still wearing that blinged out towel head wrap.

I still can’t decide whether Abby reminded me of a fortune teller or the Head of that Witches Counsel they used to always show on Bewitched or one of those crazy Boca ladies who go out in their housecoats to get the mail and when you look through the open door you always see The Price Is Right on the television and about 15 cats.

There was a lot going on in that little kitchen.

Melissa pleaded her case to get Abby back to the studio before the upcoming Nationals, but she didn’t do very well.  Abby wanted to be close to her mother and as far away as possible from Kelly and her two kids now that they had snuck back into the ALDC.

After getting confirmation that Maddie would (…naturally…) get a chance to dance at Nationals and then stuffing a few Bavarian Cremes in her purse, Melissa was on her way.

Back at the studio, choreographer Gianna was large and in charge for a second week and ready to bring home another win.  She knew that the gang would be heading to Charleston, WV for another Masters of Dance Competition, but she didn’t know if Abby would be tagging along or not.

She also knew that Chloe was doing a solo this week, Asia was going to eat Mackenzie alive in a dueling divas duet and that the group routine was going to be amaze balls.

As the girls all got to rehearsing and the Moms headed upstairs, we scooted up to Ohio to check in with the Candy Apples and see what evil comic book plot Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was hatching this week.

That momentary spike in the Twitterverse that may or may not have slowed down your laptop right around this point was the return of Zack Torres.

That’s right, girls.  You can start screaming now.  It’s a full blown Zack Attack!


Now that Anthony Burrell had apparently separated himself from the Candy Apples and would no longer be forcing any more boys into inappropriate Pinocchio high kicks in Richard Simmons shorty shorts, the coast was clear for Zack to return.

And now that he was back, just the thought of Zack and Lady Killer Lucas Triana one-legging it together on stage pretty much gave Cathy the vapors.  She may have even wet herself a little, but they only shot her from the waist up so I can’t be certain.

Chaos Cathy unveiled her Apple TV power point pyramid, which is always too hard for me to figure out since it kind of goes in an odd circle instead of just up and down like Abby’s Pyramid of Shame.  All that really matters is that Lucas was on top of the apple tree and his Danny Zuko from Grease headshot pretty much always gives me life.

Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Cathy also called out Nicaya for not being as well trained as the other dancers and then we got to watch Mom Kaya get all hood rat about the high price of tap class.

Will someone please get this bitch her own show or do I have to post for some Kickstarter funding on my own?  Seriously.

In my head, Kaya and Kristie Ray share an apartment like Laverne & Shirley and just go around the country smacking people around all day.  Could you die?

I’ll let you know when my pilot gets the green light.  It’s gonna be awesome sauce.

Cathy had seen on social media (…that’s what it’s called, you know…) that Chloe would be doing a solo in Charleston, so she was going to put Zack up against her on stage.

She claimed that Chloe was not as good a dancer as she used to be, which I assumed was a reference to her days of dancing in a dress made out of cold cuts and jerky meat.

It’s a shame to peak at such a young age.

Back in Pittsburgh, the Moms were once again voicing their concern that Abby should be on site helping them get ready for the end of the dance season and not hiding out God knows where.


Melissa’s selective memory also resurfaced as she got a little foggy on whether or not Abby had actually mentioned anything about Maddie getting a solo at Nationals.

Of course she did.

Somewhere around this point I also lost track of how many OhHellNo faces Holly had made thus far in the episode.  I was really trying to count them because I had a good feeling that this week was going to break all the records and I thought there might be an online contest later, but Girlfriend was busting that shiz out so fast I couldn’t keep up.

Oh snap.

I’m pretty sure they also spliced in a bunch of old scenes between Christi and Kelly again, because everything they said about Abby and the kids we’ve already heard a million times.  Even the fat jokes were last week’s fat jokes.  Time for some new shtick.

Up in Ohio, that cow with the #20 ear tag was back stealing the opening scene as crazy faced Yvette tried to help Cathy with choreography.

And by ‘help’ I mean walking that fine Yvette line between assisting someone with a group number and actually climbing up a ladder and putting your own damn name on the outside of the building.

Dial it down a notch, sistah.  The building’s not on fire.

Yvette also started bringing back her patented t-shirt catch phrases that first made her a star on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

Remember last year when she first unleashed her krazy on all of us and every sentence was nothing but “Dance for the Cause, NOT the Applause” or “Tap it don’t Slap it” or “Asia’s Mom’s a Total Bitch?”

Remember all that hilarity?  Well…it’s back.  So get used to it.

And you know what else was back?

The Abby-nator!

I know, right?  About time.

Abby strolled into the ALDC like nothing had ever happened, bullied Paige and Brooke a little and then took a few Christi F-bombs right in the face.


There was a big argument regarding who broke the ALDC contract the most by swearing or not showing up or blah blah blah.  They even pointed out that the ALDC legal paper mumbo jumbo said something about creating a ‘nourishing’ environment, which I think was supposed to have been ‘nurturing’ environment, unless there is an actual cafeteria on the premises.

That part got a little weird.  Read the fine print, ladies.

Luckily, it was National Exposed Shoulder Week and all the Moms were rocking those cold shoulder tops that they make such a big deal about on QVC, so that distracted me from all the swearing.

I’m not lying.  Go back and look at how many of the ladies were showing skin.  And they were totally pissed that only my girl Kristie knew how to do it like they show in Cosmo.


As both teams finished up rehearsals before the Big Day, it was clear that Hadley didn’t use enough sunscreen last weekend and that Asia was gonna turn Kenzie out like that fourth member of Destiny’s Child that nobody remembers.

Love you Mackadoodle, but you should probably just stick to clown noses and pigtails.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And a CNN report on the bloody riots in the streets of Egypt.

Which turned out to be a false alarm, because it was actually just the ALDC and the CADC contingents coming face to face in a sign-holding, parking lot screaming match that looked like one of those housekeeper rallies gone bad.

When Kristie got accused of touching Cathy I died.  Right there on my couch.  I died.

I can’t even imagine sitting in the back seat with Kristie when she was little on long family vacation rides to the Grand Canyon.

I’m touching you.  Quit it.  I’m touching you.  Quit it.  Mom!

That Dilbert guy from Candy Apples didn’t stand a chance once those earrings got flapping and Kristie did her now infamous bad a** mime hands all up in his grill.

I’ll say it again.  Once that ponytail starts whipping around it looks like the final battle scene from The X-Men.  Let’s go!

Love.  Her.


Ninja Abby no-showed, by the way.  Go figure.

Inside, I don’t know if it was planned or not, but there was a space between the seats that allowed all of America to see Kristie’s fashion model legs.  Like they used to do with Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight with that awkward crotch light.

It was a total NeNe Leakes shiny leg Watch What Happens Live moment.  Dang, girl.

It should probably also be noted that poor Jill, on the other hand, was wearing a floor length maxi-dress with four rows of folding movie chairs in front of her.  Just saying.

All the dancing was pretty good.  Zack and Lucas had no shirt on again.  I’m not sure if Lucas even owns one or if he just keeps forgetting his backpack in Miami.

Christi spent the remainder of the show screaming like some drunk chick at Mardi Gras trying to score plastic jewelry in exchange for a quick flash of her t***s.  Really.  She did.

Throw me some beads, Mister!

Out in the hallway all the Moms met up again, and somehow Mom Gina #2 made it sound like Cathy did all the choreography and inadvertently dissed Yvette in front of all the ALDC peeps.

Meltdown in 3…2…1…

Yvetter lost her nutty and got way too close to my television screen.  Waaaaay too close.

When it was all said and done, Abby’s team won all the good stuff.  Which, if you do the math, meant that the Candy Apples team didn’t.

More tears.  More dramz.

With only a few weeks left until Nationals, there was still no Abby…and not much of a chance that anyone in Ohio needed to buy any bus tickets in the near future.

Candy Apples was in shambles and the ALDC was missing it’s Leader.

Now what?

Raise your hands if you can’t wait to find out what happens next week…


Dance Moms: It’s All Going Down In Midtown. The Christi vs. Kristie Throw Down And A Candy Apple Showdown.

Wednesday, May 1st, 2013




Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Watch your tongue! Watch your tongue! Watch your tongue!






ME save it? How about YOU save it, sistah? And where’d you get that new lip gloss? It’s fabulous.







This s*** just got real. Back it up, JLo.







That crazy Candy Apple lady don’t wanna get all up in my face when your boy’s wearing his new Back To School sweater. Hellz No.






Dang, boy. I could eat you up like ice cream. Literally. Because I haven’t had any yet today.





You need to dial it down, Honey. I spent all season figuring out this hairstyle and I am not in the mood for you today.







Whatever, Bitch. I’m still the hot one.





Oh, yeah.

It’s on.

And you know the rules.

Scream.  Cry.  Rinse & Repeat.

And you better save those tears for your pillow.  Or the studio.  Or the subway.  Or that cheesecake place on the corner of Broadway and 45th.

Because it’s on.

Dance Moms took on…and nearly took down…all of Manhattan this week in preparation for the Masters of Dance Competition.

The Great White Way turned into the Great Fight Way as Abby Lee Miller and her Momtourage continued their New York City takeover with throw downs both on and off the stage, in a super-sized Season Finale that once again brought them face to screaming face with their arch enemies the Candy Apples.

Fix your feet…and run for cover, people.

Now that Abby’s co-hosting gig on The View was behind them, it was time to focus on the competition.  Time is money.

The girls had lost a good chunk of rehearsal time last week dusting off The Last Text choreography for Whoopi Goldberg and watching Asia and Mackenzie take turns being catapulted through an imaginary passenger side window.  Valuable rehearsal time that could have been put to better use, since everyone in the building already knew that MackaWhack would get the job in the end.

Two backflips, and then just lay there until you hear applause or bleed out.  Got it?

As a result, everyone needed to pick up the pace a little, because there were only a few days left before the competition.  At least there was no Pyramid of Shame to drag things down this week.

That’s right.  A Pyramid-Free episode.  You’re welcome.

Last week as you’ll recall, Chloe, MaddieKendall and Asia had all scored solos for the upcoming competition.  Now it was Go Time.


Knowing that Abby would be working on the individual dances first, Kelly asked if she could scoot Brooke out of the building for a quick meeting with a music producer.

(Momager Kelly, reporting for duty.)

Somehow Mom had managed to secure face time with a busy producer who was willing to cancel his meetings, have his secretary hold all his calls and drop everything to speak to yet another random girl with a youtube account.

Excuse me?  I couldn’t even get an appointment with the Personal Shopper at Bloomingdale’s the last time I was in New York, but somehow Kelly gets a music producer?  Seems fair.

Since Abby didn’t even realize that Brooke was in the room, she had no problem giving them permission to go pursue their dreams of music stardom, before casually mentioning that she thought the whole thing was a joke.

Ok.  Maybe I watch too much MTV, but most music producers I know are either named Storm or DJ Deathstroke or Li’l Sumthin Sumthin.  Not Wally.

But there he was.  And his name was Wally.  And Wally knew a Pussycat Doll.

I know, right?

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition has been over for months, and yet Robin Antin is still pimpin’ out her girls from the grave.

Melody Thornton was there.  And I’ll say it for you:  Melody who…?

You remember her.  She’s the one who’s best known for somehow not only surviving all those years in Nicole Scherzinger‘s shadow, but also for wearing that see-through lace hoochie dress at the 2012 ELLE Women In Music event.

Seriously.  You could totally see her PCDs.

Google it.  But not when you’re at work or when the kids are still up.

So not only were we asked to believe that Melody forgot her bra in the limo last year, but now the story is that she also has Brooke’s Summer Love song on her iPod.

And she knows all the words.  Shut.  Up.


So they sang together in the studio and Wally got all giggly.  He clearly remembered the dress.  And that was pretty much how that scene went down.

Back at the studio, Asia was practicing her solo.  As Mom Kristie with a K sat and observed and did that head tilt/eye squint thing she always does during rehearsals, the rest of the Moms gathered in the viewing room next door and talked smack about the Ray Family.  With Kristie right there on the other side of the glass.

Umm.  They know it’s not the same sound-proof divider that you see on CSI when you’re picking out a rapist from a lineup, right?

Newsflash:  Those ears aren’t just for dangling big a** hoops.  JLo heard everything they said.  Especially Christi with a C.

You just wait.  They wish that glass was bullet-proof.   Love me some JLo.

By the time she joined the rest of the Moms to watch the group rehearsal, it was starting to get good.

For weeks they have all been arguing back and forth about whether Asia ever cried, and why she cried, and when she cried and why grown women creepily even care.

She’s 7 years old, fercryinoutloud.  I still cry at E.T.  Don’t even get me started about when the flowers die in the clay pot, or I’ll need a hug.

Down the subway line a few stops, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples boy band dancers were rehearsing and breaking in their new token girl dancer.

Last week, ballet-trained Victoria Miller had been chosen through an odd audition process to join Zack, Brandon, Jalen and Nick #2 for the Day of The Dead group routine.  And Anthony Burrell was in the hizzle, kickin’ the moves into high gear, when either Zack or his Mom Gina got a text from Brooke.

Because that’s what kids that age do, instead of homework or getting fresh air.

They text.

It was a little unclear whose iPhone was dinging, but the point of the text was to let all the boys know that all the ALDC girls were headed to Bryant Park for some ice skating.

Because that’s what girls that age do, instead of homework or chores.

They stalk boys.


Despite a clause in the ALDC contract that forbids ice skating (…for realz?…) and since they couldn’t find a skydiving plane on such short notice, the gang all headed to the Pond at Bryant Park to twist some ankles and get stupid around boys.

Except for Asia, who was forbidden to skate this close to a competition.  JLo was apparently the only Mom who had actually read the contract before signing it.  Fierce chicks pay attention to the deetz, mmmkay?

By the time Chaos Cathy and her posse finally arrived on the scene I couldn’t really figure out if stuffed-up Vivi-Anne was skating or not, because she falls down so much on a daily basis that it’s hard to really tell what’s going on with that kid.

Lifetime TV:  Do NOT make me ask for a Vivi-Anne sitcom again.  Just make it happen.

The next day when Abby found out about the ice skating getaway, she was not a happy camper.  And neither were the girls who had to do 100 pushups as punishment.  Except for Asia, who had sat out her time at the rink and got to rehearse while everyone else was face down on the hardwood.

And then it was time for some Christi vs. Kristie.

The whole thing just kind of erupted when Christi wouldn’t look JLo in the eyes when she was talking to her.  And Mama don’t like dat.  R-E-S-P-E-C-T me.

It was clear as soon as the throw down kicked in that both Moms had spent some quality time studying arguments between thick girls on VH1, because they both knew how to repeat the same thing over and over and over again (…a minimum of three repetitions per phrase…) and point fingers and talk to the hand and stand up and sit down and stand back up again.

“Popping Off” is the technical term.

Look me in the eye when you’re talking!  I’m looking you in the eye, Bitch!  You wanna do this?  Let’s Go!  What’re you gonna do?  Hit me?  Save it.  You save it.  No, you save it.  You save it, Infinity and Beyond, Bitch.

Oh, yeah.  It was on.

Then just as suddenly, it was over and Paige and Chloe were at crazy Cesar Rocha‘s Telsey and Company office to read a script.  Because they both want to be dancing, modeling actresses when they grow up.

Honestly, Cesar’s hair was so amazeballs that I don’t remember much about the scene.

Except that the script was something about a dad who lost his job and couldn’t bury his wife and the kid was ok with not getting a pony for her birthday.  Or something.

That hair.  Amaze.  Balls.  And that group hug at the end?  Breathtakingly awkward.


Of course, at some point the Moms found time to go have a cocktail or ten.  Nothing like loud tourists in a bar, I always say.  Thanks, Christi and Kelly, for at least not pulling out a Nikon camera and Big Apple Tour Bus schedule in front of the bartender.


Not to be outdone, Chaos Cathy and Anthony had their own throw down during rehearsal when Cathy kept interrupting and trying to run the show, though it wasn’t nearly as perfect as JLo losing her nutty.

Think Soccer Mom takes a wrong turn in the SUV and ends up in the ‘hood arguing with a guy because she thinks “Big Booty Twerking” on a tee shirt is offensive.

It was like that.

Anthony flips.  Cathy cries.  Jalen stands on his head.  Jalen’s Dad Rick flips.  Jalen cries.  Anthony thinks about cuttin’ a bitch because Cathy is bat s*** cray cray.

Then we head back to Abby’s crew, and now Kendall is crying.  Is there a Full Moon or something?

Figuring we needed a break from all the dramz, we got a three minute commercial.  The Disney Channel version, anyway.

Vivi-Anne and Jalen somehow found themselves alone in a back hallway on their first date, talking about Life and Dance and Cooties and finding money on the ground.  Watching Vivi-Anne try to breath through her mouth while Jalen dorked out in front of a girl for the first time had to been seen to be believed.  Spinning on your head is clearly a lot easier than trying to understand wtf Cathy’s kid is trying to say.

Honestly, when Vivi-Anne bent over to demonstrate how she had found something shiny on the floor during one of Anthony’s meltdowns, I really didn’t think she was coming back up.  Extra points for not blacking out with such low blood sugar.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Chaos Cathy was intitally MIA, because Vivi-Anne had woken up even more congested than she usually does on the weekends.  Except someone screwed it up with bad editing that showed her in the audience before she actually made her fashionably late entrance.

They’re just lucky I was still distracted by Cesar and all that non-stop crying, because bad editing makes me go completely JLo.

The pre-game show and the actual competition were just a blur.


Victoria and her Mom chewed the biggest wads of gum I think I’ve ever seen since 4th grade recess.  Abby called Rick an a** and then Melissa threatened to kick him in the f***ing n**** if he had any down there.  The kids all went stress bag and Kristie flapped earrings around like it was her day job.

And that was in the hallway before the show even started.

The solos went fine.  It was during the ALDC group routine that it started to unravel.

Chaos Cathy and Anthony sat behind Abby and talked smack about Paige’s performance.  And Abby couldn’t let that one go.

You’d think with all the money that the Masters of Dance Arts saved on stage presentation that they could have had a few people on security detail, but apparently not.

Abby convinced Paige to confront Anthony right there in the audience.  In front of everybody.  And then it all went South.

Scream.  Cry.  Rinse & Repeat.

Paige left the stage humiliated.  Kelly ran to find her, only after laying into the entire row of seats behind her.  It was a pretty good meltdown, but I got distracted by the kid on stage behind Kelly who was wearing those gigantic patriotic clown shoes.  Please tell me someone else noticed.

Then Abby jumped on top of the pig pile.

And the audience goes wild.

Applause.  iPhone photos.  Madness.

Some kids even won some stuff, I think.  But there’s no room left for that.

The season finished off with Kelly doing some seriously ugly crying.

There’s crying.  There’s ugly crying.  And then there’s Kelly ugly crying.

Not pretty.  But it’s the season finale.  And every season finale has to end with Kelly deciding that “she’s had it.”  It’s in that same ALDC contract if I’m not mistaken.

Oh.  And Abby’s looking at property in Los Angeles.  And might leave Pittsburgh forever.

Yeah.  That happened.

It was on.  But now it’s over.

And if you feel like shedding a tear…JLo says save it.

The End.


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