Posts Tagged ‘Melissa Gisoni’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

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This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

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A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

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FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

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Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

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And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

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And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

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The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

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Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

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And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

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Starring Jill!
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And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

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Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

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Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: It Was Two Girls, One Solo, Six Crazy Moms And A Couple Of Really Bad Hair Days. Math Is Hard.

Tuesday, June 11th, 2013

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My Slim-Fast Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they’re like…it’s better than yours.

 

 

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Seriously. I don’t even know why I showed up this week. What the Hell?

 

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Now remember, Ethel. We can’t let Ricky find out we tried to break into the Copacabana or we’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

 

aa

 

 

Hope you all got yourself some oven mitts, cuz you just got served a little sumthin’ too hot to handle, bitches.

 

k

 

 

 

 

Umm. Hello. I think the technical term is “Suck It, Haters.”

 

km

 

 

 

 

You know your kid looks like that Toy Story cowgirl that used to come with a Happy Meal, right?

 

cl

 

 

 

So can we all talk about how much this whole judging thing totally blows big chunks?

 

 

 

And here we go again.

Another week of Dance Moms drama.

This week, the ribbons were Pink and the homeland security threat level down to Orange, thanks in part to Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her cry baby Mantourage having already scurried back to Ohio with their cow tails between their legs after being spanked at the last competition.

With Cathy safely behind enemy lines inside the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples, you’d think that Abby and the Moms would have a chance to catch their breath…but no such luck.

Celebration boogie on the other hand?  There’s always time for that.

At least for Abby, who was seated at the front desk poppin’ and lockin’ like a mime in a box as the Moms all filed in for this week’s assignments.

We don’t see Ms. Miller in a good mood very often, so it was a little disturbing to witness.

Shimmy Shimmy Coco Puff disturbing.

She reminded me of that crazy lady you always see on the cross-town bus who never blends her cheek blush into her face.  The one who sings and seat-dances for the entire trip and then only when the driver lowers the front door to let her out in front of Marshall’s do you realize that there’s not even an iPod attached to her ear buds.

That lady.

Clearly, Abby loves her Fifty-Cent.  So much so that I have to pause and thank whoever had the production foresight to keep her behind the front desk barrier, because you know she was totally wearing a pair of low rider Lane Bryant gangstah shorts and flashing way too much granny pantie for a show that airs before 10pm.

Abby’s in the house, yo.  Can I get a whoop whoop whoopie pie?

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Boom.  And then Kristie with a K returned.  Love.  Her.

Sassy Mama JLo was back, all styling in another one of her signature Sassy outfits with SassyPants Asia by her side being all Sassy & Stuff.

Asia had been MIA during last week’s two hour sobbing extravaganza due to television and magazine gigs on the West Coast.  Because she’s Sassy like dat.

But they were back now, and tiny Mackenzie almost swallowed her Jawbreaker candy when she saw Asia bust through the studio door.  Sorry Mackadoodle, but it’s gonna take a lot more than grease pencil freckles to keep up with that firecracker.

But first, the Pyramid of Shame.

You can tell even Abby is starting to regret coming up with this concept because she pretty much raced through the results like the building was on fire.

Bottom row was full of Asia, Nia, Kendall and Paige.  There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to their positioning other than the fact that they weren’t Chloe or Maddie.  So deal.

The Mezzaine level was reserved seating for MackaSmacka and the aforementioned Chloe and Maddie.

And you might want to tighten those weaves and hold onto your hats, because Sad Sack Brooke Hyland was on the top of the pile.  Freakin’.  Finally.

As you’ll recall, last week Brooke had been bumped up to the Senior Dance Team and had actually gotten to perform with someone who wasn’t wearing orthodontics.

That alone was probably what got her top billing.  But, whatever.  Take the prize and run like the wind, honey.

This week the ALDC was headed to Ft. Wayne, Indiana for yet another PowerHouse Dance Competition.  So more of my favorite disco strobe light towers and projection screen backdrops that are impossible to read without night vision goggles.

Seriously, people.  Get it together.

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The group routine was going to be an emotionally charged dance called Living With The Ribbon.  Since it was all about cancer, and this was Lifetime TV, you knew that at some point there would be lots of tears and loads of that background piano music they always use in Jane Seymour movies.

But everyone of us has been touched by cancer somehow, so it’s no joking matter.  The studio got pretty quiet, and Melissa cried.

Chloe and Maddie scored solos, as well as MackYak and Asia, and you could already smell some kind of preplanned competition brewing between the pairs.  You could also smell grape or cherry, but I think that was still coming from the remnants of Mackenzie’s Jawbreaker.  She’s going to have to wear those braces until she’s 43 if she doesn’t knock it off.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch to get Kristie up to speed, the girls got to rehearsing the group number for the first time.

The routine was basically Brooke all tangled up in a mile of elastic ribbon, doing all her usual Cirque du Soleil flips while the rest of the girls symbolically tugged on her survival lifeline.  It was pretty impressive.

And since it’s cancer, jokes are still off limits even though I’m dying to say something about that huge piece of elastic probably coming from a pair of Abby’s Denim & Co pull on jeans.

The ones from QVC.

I won’t ruin the moment.  But really, how cool are pants that you can pull almost all the way up to your arm pits in case you forget to put on a bra before you leave the house?  I mean, c’mon.  Genius.

Up in the MomPerch, it didn’t take JLo long to figure out that Holly was sitting in the wrong place on the couch.  I guess there’s assigned seating or something.  Maybe there’s stickers on the cushions.  I try not to stare at their butts.

The whole ongoing Christi vs. Kelly throw down was rehashed again and JLo couldn’t believe all the dramz.  You now she kinda wanted to smack Christi around a little just to pretend it was in support of Kelly.  Old habits and all.  Let’s do this!

d6

Other than being one of those Academy Awards seat fillers who plop themselves down when Gwyneth Paltrow goes up on stage to snag an Oscar, Holly didn’t really have much to do this week.  She should have just Skyped the whole thing in and caught up on her stories.

Through the process of elimination, Jill and Christi were now temporary BFFS and headed downstairs to do something or other while the rest of the Moms stayed on the Holodeck.

Back in the studio, Abby unveiled her latest Master Plan.

Chloe and Maddie would be performing the same dance.  In the same outfit.  To the same music.  At the same competition.  OMG.  Twinsies.

Christi had spent the last 2 1/2 seasons complaining about an uneven playing field between the girls.  So take that, lady.

As for the Asia vs. MackSplat face-off, I was thinking that Asia would do something sassy and that the other one would do some dance that required pigtails again.

And sure enough, MackaWhackaHiDeeHo was given another spunky western number while Asia busted out moves that you usually only see after someone drops Ecstasy in your cocktail.

Gah.  Love me some Asia.

JLo left the MomPerch long enough to go check on Asia’s booty pop, which required that she remove her LA stilettos and prove what I knew all along:  Bitch has Barbie Feet.

You know what I’m talking about.  Those feet that stay in high heel position even when you take her shoes off.  I swear.  It was right there on the television screen.

I bet if you push on her stomach you can pull her pony tail and make it longer.

The next day, Lucy and Ethel…I mean Christi and Jill…were certain that Maddie and her sibling were receiving extra help on their routines when no one was looking, and decided to go into full on Ninja Mode to capture cell phone footage of the crime.

But they put designer sunglasses on first.  Because that way no one would ever suspect an SUV with an I Heart Dance bumper sticker of any criminal activity.

Seriously.  Those two.

dd

Mark my words.  By the end of this season if one of one of them doesn’t have a giant vase stuck on her head I’ll buy you lunch.  And pay the tip.

After dropping Jill down through the sky light on a bungee cord, they got their shot, squealed out of the parking lot and headed to Kohl’s before anyone knew what had happened.

They also lost a rim, Jill hit her head on the dashboard and Christi’s tail pipe is now secured to the under chassis with a coat hanger.

Seriously.  WTF? Will somebody PLEASE flat top that parking lot and fill in those potholes?  I’ll bet there hasn’t been one day when some kid didn’t sprain their ankle falling into one of those sinkholes.

Once all the Moms were safely back inside that evening, Abby pulled one last sorority prank and forced Christi and Kelly to go down into the bathroom and Rit dye that gigantic elastic band breast cancer pink.

It kinda looked like a season ending cliffhanger with Christi washing blood off her hands until I saw Kelly and knew she was still alive.  False alarm.

Then everyone had one last good cry before the competition.  Abby gathered Moms and kids together and they all lost it a little as they remembered those who have been touched by cancer.

Even SassyPants Asia got choked up remembering her Dad’s dog Diego.  It was a moment of unintentional comic relief that made you realize that even though she can Save A Horse And Ride A Cowboy like a diva bitch, she’s still really only 7 years old.

Just wanna squeeze those cheeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I’m going to pretend I didn’t see Maddie giving herself bronzer cleavage and just move on to the good stuff.

Sure enough, MackTicTac was once again dressed like one of those cowboy rag dolls that nobody ever buys at a church rummage sale.  With cowboy rag doll freckles, of course.  And cowboy spunk fo’ days.

Again?  If it’s not a clown or a lemon or a bumble bee, it’s a cowboy.  Even JLo noted that cute don’t last forevah, girlfriend and it might be time to hooch it up a little.

Granted, she’s still a little kid, but if Mom doesn’t break this habit pretty soon, Mack is about six months away from growing up to be that spinster HR lady at your office who wears holiday socks and earrings shaped like Christmas presents starting the day after Thanksgiving.

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Yeah…you.  You know who I’m talking about.

Asia werked and twerked it all over the stage again, but got busted for lip synching the entire song.  If it’s good enough for Beyoncé at the White House, I don’t really think it’s the end of the world in a high school auditorium.  But Abby’s the boss.

Chloe and Maddie did their matching solos, and when I walked away and came back I thought it was still the same person dancing.

The group routine was a big hit, and everyone cried again.  It even made Christi want to hug Kelly.  At least this week, all the crying made sense.  Last week everyone was just being drama queens.  Especially those pussy Dads.

Then some kids won some stuff.

The only uncomfortable moment came when Chloe won First Place, which knocked Maddie down to Second.  Which is the first loser, remember?

Backstage it was predictable chaos with Maddie fake smiling and congratulating Chloe like they do at the end of every Miss America pageant until Mr. Emcee came in and announced that none of the judges could do math and Maddie was the winner after all.

Psych!  Gimme that crown, bitch.

Can we all just take a moment and have one big group hug for Chloe, who walked over and handed off her trophy to Maddie like one of those street urchin kids in a 1940’s musical giving up a lost puppy to it’s original owner?

Everyone:  How could this happen?  Abyy:  I dunno.  No idea.  Wasn’t me.

Probably not the best time for Mr. Emcee to walk back in a second time and thank Abby for “bringing the error to their attention.”

Uh Oh Spaghetti-O’s.

Awkward.  Even a PowerHouse judge could probably do that math.

Busted.

This is gonna get uglier than freckles on a cowboy, I tell you.

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Dance Moms: It’s The Anthony Burrell Show! Step Aside Ladies And Let The Boyz Show You How Crazy Is Done.

Wednesday, June 5th, 2013

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Damn, girl. Mama likes some of that fine beef jerky that Ohio has been importing lately.

 

 

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Whenever your boy getz the blues, I just put on my big giant hat and turn that frown upside down.

 

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I got no problem sitting in this closet full of pink cupcake dresses and telling that Bitch to Man Up.

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Don’t cry, little Buckeroo. It’s like that angry man in the tutu closet said: You’re Dad’s just being a pissy bitch.

 

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OMG. I’m like totally going on a date with a boy who can do a split. Haters gonna hate tomorrow.

 

 

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I would totally tap that. Or maybe just do a high kick and then throw some pie in her face. Whatev.

 

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Lawd. I never seen so much cryin’ and so many damn cows in all my life.

 

 

 

 

Please.

Not right now.  I just can’t.

Don’t talk to me.  Don’t touch me.

I’m bloated.  I’m emotional.  I just need my Häagen-Dazs and a spatula.

And it wouldn’t hurt if your kid could actually make it through a baseline CrossFit gym workout without wetting himself.  Is that too much to ask?

That’s right.  Dance Moms is back.

Or Dance Dads.  Or whatever it’s called nowadays.

Mathematically deducting all the crying, screaming and emotional baggage unleashed by both the Moms and the quasi-Alpha Males, this week’s 2 hour Summer Premiere gave us all about 11 minutes of actual choreographed dancing between commercials.

But we all know that if you wanted to see Mackenzie do another backflip, you’d go to youtube.  You go to Dance Moms for the drama.

And this week was Boyz Nite Out, yo.

The new season of dance competition just kicked into gear.  It was still the same season of the show, but a new season to compete on that Road to Nationals that Glee made so famous.  In TV Land a month had passed.  In the Real World just a little more if I’m not mistaken.  Those two weeks of Reunion Shows in that sparkly Star Trek Discotheque got me a little off track, so bear with me.

Spring Break gave the girls time to ice their knees and catch up on their book reports, while some of the Moms used the time off to get their hair did.

Kelly was now rocking those chunky highlights that were so popular about ten years ago, while Jill continued her gradual transition into Sue Ellen Ewing by darkening that uncontrollable hair.  Holly got herself a new flat iron and was looking pretty slick and sleek (…Michelle Obama who?…) while Melissa put her hot rollers to good use.

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Christi, on the other hand, didn’t really seem to know what to do with all that blonde ambition, so she just kinda waved the white flag and wore her hair up a lot this week.

Regardless, nothing gets done without the Pyramid of Shame, which was back after a few weeks on hiatus.

Bottom row was prime seating for Kendall, Nia and Mackadoodle.

Kendall had cried too much, Nia didn’t straighten her back leg even though she was yelled at 11 times (…not 12…they count these things, apparently…) and MackSplat hadn’t been able to keep up with bottle rocket Asia.  Same as always.  I’m thinking that I should just cut & paste this paragraph into the recap every week as a time saver.

Mezzanine level was all about Chloe, Asia and Paige.

Chloe had done a good job last time, but wasn’t Maddie.  So she was still numero dos.

Asia was actually MIA in Los Angles this week, doing whatever it is that squeaky Sophia had done a few months ago, I guess.  Which meant that Mama Krisitie was also MIA.  Which was so not cool.

No Kristie?  I momentarily contemplated actually opening up a book when I realized that JLo wouldn’t be throwing down this week.  Almost.

Paige was on the second row because she had stood up to Anthony Burrell and Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein when they started talking smack in the audience after her last performance.  Remember that?

That was when Kelly flipped a switch and went bazoinkers on them in the middle of the awards presentation, while that kid with the big Bozo shoes sat on stage behind her.

Seriously.  That still bothers me.  It totally distracted from the hormonal drama.  If they can pixelate Paris Hilton‘s hoooha every time she straddles out of a limo with no underpants, why couldn’t they have blurred out those gigantic feet?

Anyway.  Maddie was on top.  Because she’s Maddie.

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This week they were headed to the street behind the studio and staying in Pittsburgh for the Masters of Dance Arts Competition.  Chloe and Maddie were going to bust out a duet, Paige was doing a solo and Brooke got moved up to the majors and was going to dance with the ALDC Senior Group.

The elite senior group meant taller girls, not so many Cartoon Network hair bows and a chance to dance with boys who were sporting peach fuzz and Peter Brady voices.

Brooke was psyched.  I guess.  She never really shows any emotion.  She did keep pawing at her ponytail like she was deep conditioning the ends, so I’m going to assume she was a little nervous.  But psyched.

Then it was off to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.  I live for that 1950’s drive-in movie music they play every time we head to Ohio.  And the cows.  I also live for all the cows.  I had no idea they were the official state animal.  Are they on the flag at the State House?  Does anybody know?

Since Cathy only has those same four boys on her team, the Apple TV Pyramid is a little anti-climactic.  Nick 2.0, Jalen and Gino were on the bottom.  Zack on the top.

The End.  Power down the plasma.

They were, of course, heading to Pittsburgh to get all up in Abby’s face and needed to get right down to rehearsing.

Nick had a Cirque du Soleil solo, Zack and Gino were doing a tribute dance to Anthony’s father who had just passed and the whole gang was sticking it to Lance Armstrong with a cycling steroid samba group dance.

It was right about here that everyone involved with the show seemed to suddenly go on the same cycle (…no Lance pun intended…) and everything just went total hot mess.

In Ohio, Anthony cried when he explained how much the duet meant to him.  He also felt that the boys were too wimpy and took them all to SWAT gym for a workout in a desperate attempt at CrossFit-ing the girly right out of them.

Jalen smoked the bootcamp course, but tiny Gino (…allegedly 24 hours out of ICU from bronchitis or a rash or something…) had trouble pushing 10 times his body weight across the astroturf and Dad Mickey went complete Helicopter Poppa on Anthony.

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Which in turn got loose cannon Hockey Dad Rick wound up tighter than an Atlanta Housewife poppin’ off her acrylics.

Watching the two of them go at it like Kim and NeNe was TV Gold.  You wanna go outside?  Let’s go, Bitch.  Kristie Ray would have been so proud.

Rick screamed and did some jazz hands for visual emphasis.  Mickey yelled and screamed so much that he almost sweat through his white Welcome Back Kotter turtleneck and flatlined next to his son.  Gino just cried and looked in his book bag for an inhaler while Zack’s Mom Gina questioned all her life choices since high school.

Nick’s Mom Donna kinda looks like Angelica Houston, by the way.

Back in PA, Kelly was oddly unappreciative that Paige had been given a solo and Brooke had just received a promotion, and somehow found a bazillion reasons to complain and hate Abby and publicly declare that she hoped the entire senior number flopped.

Which was all Jill needed to get on her case.  And then Jill went to snitch on her to Abby down at that sloppy front desk.  And then Kelly caught Jill gossiping about her as she came downstairs to use the bathroom.  And then Melissa finally looked up from her iPhone and got on everybody’s case.  And then Holly tried to chill everyone out.

And then Jill’s furry boots.  What the hell?

Back in Ohio, Cathy cried as she realized her entire team was imploding and that a few Dads may have some questionable loyalty to Canton’s Finest.  Rick and Mickey hated each other and continually got all junior high up in each other’s grill any time they were in the same room.

And then…Stop The Presses!  Gino and Maddie.  Sitting in a tree.

Yup.  Somewhere in all this mess it came out that Gino had kissed Maddie on the cheek at one of the previous competitions.  And that…OMG…they were texting and possibly sharing government secrets concerning choreography and nuclear warheads.  Kids today.

Then Jill and Kelly went another round or two.  And then somehow Christi took over and she and Kelly went completely balls to the wall.  Screaming.  Crying.  I hate you.  I hate you more.  I hate you Infinity.

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Since I didn’t have my spreadsheet prepared in time for this week’s episode, I kind of lost track as to when Christi actually went downstairs and talked shizzle right in Paige’s face.  But it wasn’t pretty when the whole thing was exposed.  Paige cried.  Maddie almost cried.  I swear, people kept crying and popping up behind that Mom Perch couch like it was a Punch & Judy puppet show.

Next thing you knew, Kelly AND Gino were looking for inhalers as they both hyperventilated themselves into near seizures.

There was a lot of crying.  Did I already mention that?

And as if your heart could take anymore, at some point during one of the senior group flash mobs, there was a quick glimpse of Original Recipe Nick Dobbs and Payton Ackerman…and the Twitterverse pretty much just exploded.  The internet crashed and at least 927 TweenyBoppers were air lifted to Pittsburgh hospitals clutching their cell phones, screaming that they wanted to have Nick’s baby.

I know, right?  He’s so dreamy.

Abby also set Brooke up on a date with Kevin Cosculluela, her partner from the senior group, and then the whole thing just got a little incestuous for my tastes.  You see, Kevin is Gino’s brother, so it was kind of like sleeping with the enemy, kinda sorta, except that they are only teenagers and that would be gross.

Luckily they only had a food fight, trashed a pastry shop and ended the date with Kevin throwing half-eaten cake into Kelly’s freshly detailed mini-van.

Dude.  You are so dying single.

To ensure that the whole thing just went complete Telenovela this week, Anthony’s duet rehearsal ended in everybody crying when two young boys couldn’t relate to the emotional angst of a grown a** man who doesn’t feel appreciated as a choreographer.

While we’re on the subject, Zack’s Mom could very well be one of the best soap opera cryers on television today.  Dab.  Dab.  Hold the tissue dramatically.

And seriously.  For all the hats that Anthony owns, you’d think he could find one that fit.

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Finally, it was Showtime!  They just forgot to tell the audience, because the place was pretty empty.

Everyone’s dances went well.  The ALDC duet was off the hook.  The CADC duet was pretty emotional, even though one of the boys appeared to be wearing Pee Wee Herman‘s old bow tie.

Naturally, Abby tossed out a little snark regarding the Candy Apples duet, which on VH1 would mean that she  just disrespected Anthony’s Momma’s Baby Daddy.  So it was on.

Nick’s solo somehow magically turned into Johnny Weir in a bird cage and got a big round of applause from Angelica Houston.

Back out in the hallway, Christi and Jill pretty much lunged at Cathy as she walked through with bicycle wheels and testosterone boosters.  More screaming.  More crying.

For some reason, Cathy felt that the other Candy Apple parents should have gotten into a pig pile rumble with the ALDC Moms right there by the lockers to prove that they had her back.  But they didn’t.

So…more crying.

The ALDC senior group rocked the house.  I will say that since I can’t even bend over to tie my own shoes in my new skinny Levi’s, I was pretty impressed with Kevin ‘s flexibility in those pants.  Relax.  Nothing pervy.  Just saying I may have to pick up a pair for the klub this weekend.

Then some kids won some stuff.  Google it.

Backstage, there was more crying in every camp.

Anthony lost his noodle a few times.  Cathy smelled at least one Mole in her army as Mickey snuck off to the ALDC room to break up Jill and Kelly’s screaming match and to ask Abby if she wanted Gino on her team.

Emotionally drained (…Spoiler Alert:  Candy Apples didn’t do so well this time…) Cathy disappeared down the hallway next to a room where they clearly teach Español Sign Making, and then it was over.

Two hours of crying.  Literally.

I’m physically and emotionally drained.

Where’s my Häagen-Dazs?

I don’t even need a spoon.

cow


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