Posts Tagged ‘Mickie Wood’

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Really Stepped In It This Time. Shovel And Sparkle At The St. Louis Me And My Pet Pageant!

Sunday, October 16th, 2016




Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.






I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.






I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.







I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.






I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.






No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.






I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.





Couple things before we get started.

One.  Yeah…I know.  I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner.  Like maybe not at all in a timely manner.  I know.
My bad.

And I feel bad.  I swear.  And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms.  Look at how crooked my crown was.


And now this one is late, too.


But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile.  Not my first choice.  Or even my second.  But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.


Two.  Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?

gigThree.  For all you up and coming bloggers and journalist types:  See what I just did there?

In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties.  I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page.  I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs.  And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.

Because that’s how it’s done.

And that’s how I do, mmkay?

Make that 3 Dance Moms gifs.

Spoiler Alert:  Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.

None.  Which was not cool.

So here’s one.  And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.

Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from.  No wonder Nisa wears shades.


I love Nisa.

And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  The #Goals part, I mean.

The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.

Oh hey, Gurrrrl.


Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair.  It’s dark outside now.

cnightSoooo anyway.

I guess we could get started now.

To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on

Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.

cowbThe entire park was shut down so Miss Cambrie and her little kids and her even littler bathing suit top could all slide down the chute and have some old fashioned splash time before heading back to the studio to focus on this week’s competition.

Look at all that right there.
sb1#Goals.  Whether you’re going to the Water Park or Coachella with the Kardashians, I guess.

Just #Goals.

And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.

sbSpring Break, baby.

They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…


Bonus:  Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide.  Because she can.

mjslidemaccheeseAt this week’s Me and My Pet Pageant, the biggest competition for Cambrie and her pack of princesses was going to come from some familiar faces to all you long term T&T-ers.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaack!

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  The Tiara Twins.


 And Mom Kelly Lyerly.

kl1And Dad Ron, who we last saw dressed up as one of the Village People for some reason.

rYou remember them all from Original Recipe Toddler 1.0…right?

Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7.  The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.

Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office.  Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?

toddlers-tiaras-lamb-chops-and-doggies-and-sn-l-ulyvp7Because pet pageants were kinda their thing back then.  They won the last two.

And they were gunning for win #3 this week.

Side note:  Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness.  I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.little_rascals_moneytossFor this year’s pet pageant, they decided to head to one of those places where you can bid on live goats instead of taking your chances on eBay.  I forget which girl wanted to bring a goat on stage, but given their history with turkey and peacock props, moving forward without poultry seemed like a good idea.

Look.  This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy.  Cuz she’s fancy.

goatNumber 9422 and Number 9456 seem nice.  I like them.g3Number 9422 seems to like Number 9456, too.

g2Don’t look, honey.  ag2

As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction.  But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll.  Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.2318Time to restock the shelves.

g2To cleanse the palate and get the sting out of our eyes…sun

…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.

Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey.  Just a little animated.  Like seizure animated.m3monkeyclmclm2

Let’s be honest.  Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.gif-monkey-smile-940834Marcy was so whacky that I immediately had to put her on my holiday card list.  Some people online felt that Kailia’s Mom was slightly bug-eyed, but it’s all relative, right?tb

Tonya Bailey.  Queen.  Don’t even argue with me on this one.

I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this… giphy-3

…and this…

giphy-2…and even this…

stretchstretch2Those are Kailia’s feet, BTW.  Up where her arms are supposed to be.

Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.41-frozen-katie-lopez-facciamo-un-pupazzo-insiemecdoor

Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…

c7699d00b4ed4e13075bcfc16642b022cdoor2“Bitch, I know you’re in there.”

Take aways from this scene:  Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.

Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.

We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot.  And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…

Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.

Next up:  The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.

Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.

Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.

crown shoes2You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

We looooove them.  Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.

You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.

FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.emilyash

Do the math:  Sibling Rivalry.  Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.

Side note:  You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.

And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?


No wonder she’s so excited.  That is way better than any stupid monkey.  #TotesJealz.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.

Look at all that sweet loot.  Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner.  We love Jill.stashAnd where else can you find spray tanned legs, a bronze monkey butt and a pig in a stroller all in one place?  It’s like THE best Pier 1 Imports evah.  Jill don’t skimp on the decor.pig Look at how terrified that dog is, tho.dogEven the judges’ table got pimped out with snacks.

Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having.  And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp.  And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?

jtableI swear the judge with the giant hair looks so familiar.

Side note:  Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit.  Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe.  The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt.  And his gelled hair.  Because I just can’t right now.ron90dab38819536415230e6158570ab616Lyerly = Life.  Because that’s what they’re giving me right now.

Side note:  Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.

pig2 So there’s that.

Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.

Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well.  The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap.  Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial.  Because she’s Cambrie.  #Goals.

Emily was first up in Beauty.

And then the judge’s critique.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I give you Jessica McClamroch.

689df2564a90bab01983f5c4d6c9f7bfI knew she looked familiar!

j3She is one of my all-time favorite Moms EVER from Toddler 1.0…’member her?

jessShe’s the one with the big a** hair who didn’t want America to think it was all nasty up in here when a fly started buzzing around her house during taping.

j5Hashtag:  LoveHer.

And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.j6 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo4_500j159f8206c2920826b29caf79e486ab447 j4 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo5_500jThe rest of the Beauty portion kinda flew by after Jessica’s appearance.

And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown.  You see dat thang?  Dang.14568072_1215074351847700_4265855368280907370_nI mean.  C’mon.

Even Cambrie was all like…tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaMiss Cambrie knows pageant beauty when she sees it.

And then the s*** hit the fan.  And the floor.  Literally.

Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.

tumblr_lk9wlnsslj1qi4ns0o1_500A zebra?  Really?  In a hotel?

debThe email clearly stated that there was a 40 pound limit and the animal needed to be caged until taking the stage and could not be shipped in a wood crate across the ocean from Madagascar even if it did know how to do the Running Man.85042-zebra-dancing-gif-imgur-bvf2

And excuse me.

If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.

Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.

40-1I think I’m starting to love these people a little too much.

And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.

jessYou got that right, girlfriend.

Oh.  And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.


And then it was over.

To be continued…


Toddlers & Tiaras: When It’s Slots And Tots And Lots Of Sparkles…All Bets Are Off, Kids. Cuz It’s Vegas, Baby!

Thursday, September 29th, 2016




Don’t even ask me to put this big a** thing on my head after 6 hours in the beauty salon chair.















I know if I end up looking like Effie from Dreamgirls there’s gonna be some drama, boy.






I’m not even lying. She got outta the damn chair and her hair was like THIS big! Swear to Gawd.






I literally told them 4 times I was wearing this hat and they still can’t fit it in the shot. This a joke?















On second thought, Mama likes. Help yo’self to some teddy bears, kids. This one’s mine.





Grab your popcorn.

And some high fructose soda pop, of course.

Maybe even some Goobers, while you’re at it.  And those gummy things that always stick to your flippers.

You’re gonna need lots of sugary snacks this week, kids…

popcorn-having-a-march…because Toddlers & Tiaras is going to the movies!

It was finally time for the Supreme Me Night At The Movies Pageant!

After a little bit more pre-show drama, I mean.

Following the new Toddler 2.0 format, we picked up right where we left off last week with tiny Addison and Mom Trish and Mom Trish’s red eye shadow coming to terms with the realization that Cambrie Littlefield‘s makeup guy Mykel Baca would not be doing their makeup for the pageant in the morning.

I know, right?  Dramzzzzz in the first 30 seconds.

Here’s Trish’s eye shadow in case you missed it.

tAnd here’s a closer look if you want to duplicate that smokey eye this weekend.


As everyone ran in circles carrying what I believe were canvas scarecrow heads on a stick, it was clear that there weren’t enough hours in the day to fit all these kids into Mykel’s makeup chair.

This was not going to end well.

Disclaimer:  From this angle, I know it looks like Mom just bagged her kid’s head with canvas, but I assure you there’s not an actual child under that pillow case.  No pageant princesses were harmed during the filming of this episode.

There’s another one, tho.

wig2And a third one that’s probably gonna lose some points during Beauty.

70288_origRegardless, whether it was poor scheduling or some Mean Girls conspiracy theory, if you weren’t wearing a Cambrie’s Court track jacket in the morning you weren’t getting in to see the Wizard.  you-cant-sit-with-us-mean-girlscCambrie is #Goals, BTW.

Morale of the Story:  Trish was not happy.

But instead of hopping a plane back to Dallas at midnight, she took her scarecrow head and her Juicy Couture Texas top (…which you just know has matching lounge pants at home somewhere…) and stomped the yard up to her room to figure out what to do now.texas

I’m not really sure what that other person with the backpack is doing.  That’s a lot of gear for a school bus, so I’m thinking maybe she’s hiking the Appalachians in the morning.

Side note:  Even though she’s a stress bag, you know I love Trish.

t1Not so much the red eye shadow.  But I did notice that everyone was rocking it at the Macy’s Mac counter last weekend, so maybe T-Dawg is just ahead of the curve.

Drinking Game Alert:  During one of those little performance snippets they randomly stick in the middle of scenes, that baby puppet was back on stage again.

puppetExcept now I’m not so sure she’s a puppet, because you can totally see that lady’s hands.

If she’s a puppet…you’re doing it wrong.

If she’s a real baby…that kid’s never gonna learn to walk if you don’t put her down, ma’am.

And then we met Rochelle Thames, Director of Supreme Me Pageants.

Yaaaaaaas, Queen.


Part that lady from The View


Part this kid…tumblr_mny7o0bzan1qk08n1o1_500And part that girl from Glee who always sang Jennifer Holiday songs…


Yes.  All in caps.  And bold.  And italics.

She was so friendly and so nice and so smiley and so pretty with magazine cover shiny skin and wanted ALL the kids to get prizes and feel special and totally needs to be my new BFF so we can go clubbing with Annette Hill from Universal Royalty.

Google it.  Annette is da bomb diddly widdly.

Side note:  You know my girl Tonya from Bailey’s Pageants always has a standing invitation, too, but ever since her BoyToy Todd went back on tour with the Backstreet Boys, they’ve been kinda booked.

Look at the stash of goods Rochelle was handing out.  Dang, gurl.stashYes, please.

tumblr_ls3ifixzrp1r3i8zto1_500Rochelle was handing out crowns, sashes, fans made out of dollah dollah bills, yo…and even a confetti bomb after every kid’s name was called.

spelling-bee-winner-excitementBackstage amidst all the air brush frenzy, the girls were poised and polite and giving each other compliments like “I know your Mom is a raving lunatic, but your hair looks nice…” 

ty…while thanking each other like proper young ladies.

Look at all the hair back there.hairkirk1Side note:  Are we just not gonna talk about that lady with the Zsa Zsa Gabor bracelet  who was trying to keep her kid awake with a cowbell?


You might wanna zoom in on that closeup.cowbell1Not putting up with any of your s*** this morning, woman.  Not doin’ it.

And how about that dog?  Meow, bitch.


Wait.  What?  Now she’s a puppet again.

puppet1And look how psyched this chick is to be there.

britneyYou just know the guy with the mustache was trying to figure out if that was really Britney Spears or not.

It is Vegas, after all.

The emcee was gorgeous and held her mic like she was in the American Idol Finale.


And then the Gods of Reality Television blessed us with another appearance by Nisa Hooper, talent coach and sunglass icon to the stars.anigif_enhanced-8470-1429731083-4n1Nisa finds Cambrie to be a lovely, lovely young lady who…ummm…

Yeah.  Not so much.

Did I forget to mention that my Boo Jayliana‘s Mama Deb mentioned that Mykel forgot to mention that he doesn’t know how to do mixed girls’ hair?

Because he don’t.  Gurrrrrrl, plea…

jI mean.

j1Granted, Cambrie wanted JayBae to wear a wiglet instead of going au natural with her curly ‘do at this pageant.  And if Miss Cambrie told me to put a toupee on and walk backwards down Main Street I would totally do it, because Miss C is #Goals.

But Lawd, Geezis.

I watch enough Bravo TV to know that hair was NOT laid to the Gawdz.

Rochelle was all like…


Even Nisa’s Dog/Cat couldn’t believe what he was looking at when she came on stage.


Look at Mama tryna unscrew that Diet Pepsi like it’s vodka.

momAnd excuse me, but did Addison just call Cambrie a LOSER?

losertumblr_n65tiy1eq21tcwnk1o1_500Do NOT make me take off my earrings.  She’s lucky she’s 2 years old.

NEWSFLASH/DVR ALERT:  The Top Hat Boys are back!!judge

Or at least that one.shania-twain-vegas

I mean this one.hat1My Boy Blake Nagy was back on the judges’ table!

Those Top Hat Boys Crack.  Me.  Up.

Bonus:  Imma just leave this one here and you can make up your own punchline.

tumblr_inline_mlthyb9q0b1qz4rgpI freakin’ love those guys.

The Beauty Round was first up and the girls all nailed it, more or less.

Check out Nisa holding that plastic cup like she’s having cocktails at the Oscars.

anMmmHmmm.  I found his performance in Mall Cop to be slightly pretentious.

Since Jayliana’s #BeautyHair had been such a success, Mama Deb rushed her back upstairs to their hotel room sink so she could wash that thing down the drain and rejuvenate her natural curls.

As opposed to this lady who put her baby in the sink just to take a selfie.

sinkAs Jayliana’s natural spring was sproinging back to life…


…the emcee was calling for a 7-8 year old lineup downstairs.  Which meant that JayBae missed the call and Cambrie said a swear word with kids in the car.v2tsqvxbp

#Goals.  F***ing S***Show #Goals.

Hashtag:  FML.

Side note:  That’s my girl Annette waaaay in the background behind that little peanut flipping the bird.

Annette doesn’t wear her hair up at da klub, yo.  You know that’s right.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaWhen they finally made it downstairs, Deb said something to Cambrie about Jayliana’s hair, but I was so fascinated by that lady in the middle looking all like “Whatchoo mean they’re taking points off for not showing up?  That’s some BS!” that I don’t remember much about the scene.


Instead of Outfit of Choice, Rochelle shook things up with a Talent Category.

Real Talent.  Like singing and dancing and whatever this is…

ringsThis girl sang a Whitney song and even stuck her finger in her ear like Mariah does on her high runs.

She’ll be dropping her first single on Spotify as soon as finishes her nap.

whitneyJayliana busted out her best Prince impersonation and reenacted that famous scene from Purple Rain when Apollonia Kotera jumped on the back of Prince’s hoverboard and they rode off into the sunset.


Because she rode a overboard on stage, which I enjoyed it immensely, but Nisa felt that simply spinning around in circles on a hoverboard was not talent and should never be done without a helmet, no matter how much protective natural hair you may have on your head.


Safety First, dahling.

And then talent and education.  Or you’re dead to me.

Love.  Nisa.  To.  Infinity….and Beyond.

Addison did a cat routine, which always makes me nervous given what a poor record Toddlers & Tiaras has for kids doing cat routines on national television.

largeBut she nailed it, except for taking a face plant during her back walkover.

Hey.  It was her first attempt.  Cut her some slack.

She managed to gobble down a mouse in one bite like she’d just gotten out of prison, tho.mouseSpeaking of.

ccandy2 ccandy#NaturesCandy.

The Short Version:  At some point during the festivities, Jayliana thought she had chicken pox because she saw 3 tiny mosquito bites on her tummy, but Deb assured her that you can’t get chicken pox in under an hour and that she was just fine and that she should go hug this kid named Kailia really hard until you’d swear Kailia’s Mom Marcy thought she was spreading Zika.

ds1Because that totally happened.

And I didn’t make any of it up this time.

Marcy freaked out and tried to get pageant security to fog bomb the building like JayBae had bed bugs in her hair, so Deb decided to put an end to all this drama by f***ing her up behind closed doors.

Because that totally happened, too.

And I didn’t make any of that up either.  I’m sure it’s on youtube somewhere.


True Fact:  By the time Deb finished with Marcy, Kailia’s Mom had the same number of teeth in her mouth as Jayliana.  I swear.

I don’t know if I got all that in the right order or not, but it really doesn’t matter because Deb is awesome sauce and she has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.  So your argument is once again invalid.

And then Cambrie cried, which made me sad.  She loves her kids so much.


Side note:  I thought it was nice the way Trish helped lead Nisa around the ballroom since her sunglasses were so dark she couldn’t see the traffic pattern between the chairs.  That’s a true friend.


Maybe not a true story.  But a true friend, for sure.

Amanda‘s daughter Landree was some form of showgirl and danced around like a seasoned pro.

Earlier in the programming she wore a high colored white glitz dress that made her look like the good Ice Princess who fought her evil twin sister in whatever that movie was called.

landSomewhere around here was also when TLC fired one of their Continuity Interns after they accidentally spliced in the wrong Top Hat Boy into the wrong judges’ table scene.

dhatUnless they do these things in shifts, I guess.

Let’s just keep it real, a’ight?  Although his hat is equally as awesome as his counterpart’s chapeau, I know for a fact that’s not the same person.  And whoever that was next to him was not the same judge that was there earlier, because his eyebrows were way more on fleek than any of the women at the table and I would have remembered that kind of thing.

Maybe they kicked all the ladies out after they ate all the candy.

Because that cup was full when the show started.


Editing aside, we did get to see one of those chin stand whatchamacallits that Brooke Hyland used to always do on Dance Moms before her own Mom slapped Abby Lee Miller so hard she ended up on TMZ.  Shoutout to my DM fans!

Finally…it was time for Crowning!

Cambrie’s Court did a rowdy beat yo’ a** cheer a couple hundred times that aggravated everyone around them and then we got a shot of a bunch of kids eating popcorn in matching gold lamé tops that I’m totally screen saving for the cover of my Holiday 2016 cards.

chantSince we’re running a little long this week, you’re going to have to Google the results of the pageant yourself.  I’m sure some website that specializes in that kind of thing can assist you with your scorecard while I point out that Cambrie was making crank phone calls when things started to drag.

cellHello?  Hello?  Who is this?  I know it’s you, Cambrie.  We’re sitting in the same row, bitch.  You know I can see you, right?  Don’t make me come over there.

cell1Since Rochelle likes to shake things up whenever she can, for the final Mega Ultimate Grand Supreme title, she had all 10 kids and all 10 parents come up on stage and food fight their way to the top prize.

89940-john-belushi-food-fight-gif-bl-efzwnoodlesLook at that one Mom waving like she’s getting the crown.

They literally had to dig through those heaping piles of dyed pasta until they found whatever it was that signified a winner.

And then this happened.

acryLandree won the top prize and Amanda lost her own noodle.

acry1I mean.  She bawled.

kristen-wiig-crying bk0d4s1iqaaz0f4acry24Now you know I love me some supportive parents, but this woman didn’t stop crying for the rest of the show.  Except for when she fell down the stairs, which is when I would have expected her to start crying.

And Nisa doesn’t like Outside Crying.

At.  All.

Victorious Laughter on the other hand…


And then it was over.

Except for handing out the Emmy for Best Impersonation Of Somehow Getting The Holy Spirit In Them At A Kiddie Pageant, that is…which went to Deb for making fun of Amanda’s emotional breakdown.

ds tie1Just say No to crying, kids.

Feel free to say yes to that sparkle bow tie, though.  Definitely.  Yes.

Landree gave thanks.


And then it was really over.

Peace out, bitches.

Even you crazy ones.


Toddlers & Tiaras: Snatch That Crown And Hit The Road. It’s Time To Pack Up And Head To Vegas, Baby. Game On!

Thursday, September 22nd, 2016




So I never actually looked around here before. Cambrie got 7 different sets and I got a bathroom?






No, look. I literally have two dents in my nose from the damn sunglasses that won’t go away.







Hell yeah we’re rolling 40 Proof this weekend. Bring It!







Now was it really that hard to get it right? I don’t even know what Math is but I figured it out.






Gimme strength, cuz I’m about to save a horse and ride a cowboy right through that wall.







Me? Just a banana hair clip and a black Old Navy V-Neck sweater. What are you wearing?






I know when that bell rings, if I wake up with straight hair Imma go Aretha on somebody’s a**




And finally…

It’s time for Crowning.

Welcome back, e’rrybody.

Toddlers & Tiaras finally got around to handing out some headgear this week as the GemStars Heroes vs. Villains Pageant wrapped up its 14 episode arc.

Look.  Even Director Debbie Graston was all like ‘Can we just wrap this thing up so I don’t have to go out and feed the meter again, please?’

debOk.  Fine.  In actuality, it was probably less than 14 episodes.

But the new and improved Toddler 2.0 is apparently going to spread every pageant out over the span of a few weeks and then (…Spoiler Alert!…) maybe even randomly stick half a new episode onto the end of what you thought was just going to be last week’s storyline.  Like when your DVR somehow tapes the last half of one show and the first half of the next episode and then forgets to shut itself off.

And if you understood that, you’re a hardcore T&T fan.  And if you didn’t, you should probably be watching American Horror Story anyway.  Lady Gaga‘s on it, you know.

So, anyway.  It was time for crowning.  After one last hallway throw down.


We picked up right where we left off last week with Mom Becky and her husband and his backwards sunglasses still accusing Mom Katie and her husband and his cowboy hat of being Trailer Trash and creating the fake website in an attempt to sabotage little Kaylee‘s chances at scoring a title.

They showed us the FPB email again…

fpb…except that this time the ‘Rebecca’ part was highlighted in yellow magic marker because Jimmy the Cowboy is the only person who ever calls Becky ‘Rebecca.’  

Which meant that there was no doubt in Becky/Rebecca’s mind that Katie was the Mastermind behind the whole elaborate scheme to purchase and set up a domain name through GoDaddy, create a fake website with WordPress, send out emails from an unsecured server and then wipe the hard drive so clean she could run for President.


Allegedly, of course.

It’s complicated.

And it’s also why we’re 3 weeks in and there’s still nobody with a crown on their head.

Becky screamed at Jimmy.  Jimmy screamed at Becky.  Becky called them Trailer Trash about a million times and then Jimmy said “Yeah, I got horses and friends in low places” and then went outside with Katie and that Bow Tie Mom to…I dunno…feed ’em, maybe.


For some comic relief, Katie rubbed her face all over the glass door like this…


…except that it was her butt, not her face, which made Becky get all like Whaaaaa?glassAnd then somebody may or may not have called Katie a whore, which made Jimmy come storming back inside with his cowboy hat and blurred out Fresca and peanut M&Ms…

blur…yelling ‘You call my wife a whore?’...

dallas_aop…and getting all up in Becky’s husband’s face like…

fight…until some guy with a mustache showed up like a Redneck Ninja and broke up the party.

pillowIs it just me, or…?  Tell me that’s not the same guy.

My Pillow BoxThose pillows are proudly made in the USA, by the way.  ‘Merica.

And then Jimmy got all like “For the last time, my wife’s not a whore” before kicking open the door with his boot like they used to do on Gunsmoke and riding off into the sunset on his loyal Palomino steed.

Look at those Saloon Girls in the background.

jimmySide note:  Also look at those sunglasses.  They aren’t going anywhere.

sgOnce all that drama wrapped up, it was time to move on to new drama:  Crowning.

Tiny little squirt Selyse got the first lowball of the evening, because…remember…Pageant Math.  You don’t want to win anything at these things.  At least not until the end.

selyseTrue Fact:  That lady actually comes with the crown.  Her only job is to hold those giant things on your head so there’s no risk of paralysis before kindergarten.

Mom Kim thought Selyse’s award was BS, but blamed it on former coach Jaimie and knew that once they completed the transition to Cambrie’s Court, her baby would start winning.  Winning like a Boss.

If she ever figured out how to get home from Oz, that is.

ozWhat the what is that green room?

That bridge leads you right into the back wall, fercryinoutloud.

oz1Kidding.  That’s actually where they filmed Superman.  She’s just on a puppet break.

superman_green_screenThe next crown that nobody wanted went to Special Harlie, who didn’t even want to be there in the first place.  She took the 5-6 Princess title.  Because she’s 7.

Pageant Math.

giphy-2I know, right?

sideCheck out the #SideEye from that blonde chick.

My Boo Jayliana scored the next one.  7-9 Queen.  Whatever.



Side note:  I guess in Pageant Land, it’s not good enough anymore to just pop out a rib or two for a slimmer waistline.  Now they expect you to extract DNA, because JayBae actually had points taken off her score card at one pageant for not relaxing her ‘do.


Yeah.  What she said.

Cadence was awarded the next crown.

cadGlitz Mini Grand Supreme.  Which sounded pretty rad, but didn’t come late enough in the rankings so it made Mom Amy ugly cry out in the hall.


Is there a body in that garbage bag or yes?

Oh, man.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  Now they’re both crying.



Poison Ivy Piper stole the Beauty Turquoise Supreme title, whatever that was.  I’m seriously starting to think the emcees are just making this s*** up as they go.tumblr_odtwtdqfod1tb8iyko4_500That’s actually a shot from this week’s Dance Moms, but it’s still how all the Moms were acting when they heard their kid’s names and it will get DM fans off my a** for not recapping Season 6.5…Everyone happy now?

Except Piper, I mean.


Kaylee won Pink Diamond, which again sounded cool, but turned out to be a category that was supposed to be reserved only for kids who have not made more than $300 in their entire career.  Which pretty much makes me eligible for my first crown ever.

tumblr_odtwtdqfod1tb8iyko4_500I’d like to thank the Academy.

The final leg of cutie patootie Caitlyn‘s 2016 Redemption Tour paid off with a Glitz Grand Diamond Supreme crown, which nobody snatched off her head for a change.

wig-snatchLook at these two niblets.

One of us is gonna have to change and it’s not gonna be me.  #BitchStoleMyLook.

caitAnd to put this thing to bed, Riley shut the joint down by winning Ultimate Diamond Grand Supreme Deep Dish Double Cheese.  And the crowd went wild.

Mom Sheena was super excited, but not so much Jaimie, who got all like…

tumblr_m4yd0ybahz1r3e62yo1_500…and then made a pouty Kardashian Face to show her disdain for the results.

kkDid you see that article about how Kylie’s lip plumping whatchamacallit is actually made in the same factory that spits out $1.99 CVS chapstick?  We love Adele.

Needless to say, Katie wasn’t having it with any of those results.


She felt that her daughter Piper should have won the Top Spot.

And would have won the Top Spot if she had not tripped on her gown.  Twice.

And then she took all the progress that our country has made on mental health legislation and set it back about 100 years by fake calling an Insane Asylum to come pick up Kim, Sheena and Becky and to lock them up in the same room that she herself had just escaped from last week.

kpI swear.  The sheets were still hanging out the window through the iron bars.

And you know that’s a joke, right?

Because you know I love all these (…allegedly…) crazy Moms.

And they don’t put bars on windows anymore.  They just bolt them shut from the outside with L brackets.  Google it.  It’s true, I swear.

The whole scene was enough to make you wanna pull out your own eyelashes.


Doesn’t Katie look like she’s ordering takeout for the office?  Hold on.  One at a time.

kphoneWhich reminds me.

Where the hell is that waitress with my two styrofoam heads and hash browns?

waitressAnd then the next episode started!

hypExcept it was the same episode, ‘kay?

Because Toddler 2.0.  Don’t ask.

It doesn’t even matter how or why, really.  Because this was about to happen…


We were back in Vegas.

Cambrie Littlefield‘s home turf.  And it was Game On, bitches.

Cambrie’s Court was about to go up against one of their toughest competitors in the bidnezz:  Top Models.  So it was time get serious.


Ladies and Gentlemen…Amanda.


Pageant Director/Coach at Top Models.

A woman who don’t play when it comes to pageants.  And a woman who has a penchant for wearing Michael Kors sunglasses on her head.

And Nisa.

n3Talent Coach at Top Models, who also don’t play when it comes to pageants and has a penchant for wearing sunglasses on her face.  At all hours.  And with every outfit.  And in every situation imaginable, looking like she just got dilated and had to drive herself home from the optician even though it specifically says on the eye drop bottle to call a friend.

Part Dr. Evil.

giphycatPart Invisible Man.

15819953anPart Yoko Ono on her craziest day.

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 22: (EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE) Yoko Ono introduces a special screening of 'GasLand' as part of the BFI Screen Epiphanies series at BFI Southbank on June 22, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Ben A. Pruchnie/Getty Images)Nisa is…well…she’s Nisa, dahling.snAnd Nisa doesn’t care for Cambrie, dahling.  Even though Cambrie is #Goals.


Side note:  Dat dress, doe.  You could literally put Becky’s husband’s sunglasses on those things and they wouldn’t fall off.  Did I already say #Goals?  I forget.

Honestly, the best part about when Amanda and Nisa get together is the way Amanda looks at Nisa like she’s never seen her before.

an1Who is this?

an2No really.

see1Who is this?

seeAmanda’s daughter Landree also competes in the circuit, but Nisa sucked so much oxygen out of the room that I don’t remember anything except the $7,500 in kiddie pageant money that paid for the above-ground pool.  Because that totally happened.

And then Nisa picked up her dog/cat and told somebody that Cambrie should be a lady in the streets but a freak in the car before dramatically leaving the studio.

giphy-1One.  I don’t think that’s how the song really goes.

And Two.  I don’t think I even told that story in the right order.

20Still. #Goals.

Somewhere around here was when we met 5 year old Addison and her Mom Trish and her Mom Trish’s red eye shadow.

addredIf that wall was an adobe color, I’d swear she was the hostess at Olive Garden.

And doesn’t that seem like a lot of poop for such a tiny dog?  It took two people with two garbage bags an entire scene to pick up everything that came out of that hamster.


At least we know why their eyes were burning.  Who left that in the hall?  You nasty, gurl.

bagPost-poop, Addison had a Skype coaching lesson with Amanda and Sia…skypeAustralian singer Sia arrives at the 57th annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, California February 8, 2015. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni (UNITED STATES - Tags: ENTERTAINMENT) (GRAMMYS-ARRIVALS)…which cost them $125 per hour, probably because Sia is so famous.


And then freakin’ FINALLY we got to spend time with Jayliana and her Mom Deborah, who was sprawled out on the couch putting back vino but not putting up with any crap.


We heart Deb so hard.deb1

Mostly because she keeps an ice bucket literally on the couch next to her so she doesn’t have to get up.  And because she still has that one shoe on the sofa table.  And because she likes funky socks.  And because she’ll mess you up if you try and flat iron her kid’s hair without parental consent.

But mostly, mostly because she’s a riot.  Period.  End of story.

Whoa.  Looks like she dozed of there for a second.

debzzzNope.  She’s back.  Oh, yeah…Mama likes.

40I can’t even do justice to Deb’s rant about Pageant Mama Drama and taking a hiatus and coming back and blowing things out your blow holes and hitting somebody if they don’t shut up, so I’ll just raise my glass of pink slushie whatever that is and then sleep it off.

Side note:  Jayliana has a Michael Jackson Thriller costume just hanging in her room like it was nothing.  Because of course she does.


Side note:  Cambrie dropped by to run JayBae through some Macbook powerpoint presentations where everyone’s hair seemed to really be on point.

mac And then we got hypnotized.  Really.

dcBecause that totally happened next.

Since Jayliana and two other little nuggets were having trouble keeping their smile-on during judging, Cambrie brought the whole Court over to some Vegas Hypnotist Dude’s PALACE home to help them stop smoking.

Or something.

vegasI dunno.

The fact that his house was bigger than the town I grew up in got me so twisted that I wasn’t paying attention.  Did you see that real estate?  That can’t be one person’s house.

Relax.  Sleepy.  Sleepy.  Cowbell.


Then Pretty Feet.  And they were cured, I guess.

pillow2Disclaimer:  I’m dying to make a joke about how Mr. Vegas should’ve probably hypnotized this dude right here in the green polo to stop looking at Cambrie’s boobs, but I don’t know if that’s her Dad or not and that would just be gross.  So I won’t.

Please tell me that’s not her Dad, because the more I look at their noses I’m thinking I should probably hit ‘DELETE’ but it’s too late now.

Finally, it was Showtime!  The Supreme Me Pageant in Vegas, Baby.

And almost the end of this episode.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

So we’ll whip a Nae Nae through this part, since it’s really a preview of next week.

Cambrie’s Court showed up on the TMZ Tour Bus.

tmzJayliana dropped a second Nae Nae.


Everyone thought that Cambrie’s makeup guy Mykel Baca was going to also be doing makeup for all 73 of Amanda’s girls…

mbp  …until they got a call informing them otherwise.  A call which Amanda thought might at first be just a poorly executed prank by someone with too much time on their hands…

kphone…until they found out that it was true and confronted Cambrie, who pulled a fake call of her own, walking away saying she didn’t have time for their Mama Drama even though it was clear to everyone she was just holding the Weather App up to her head.

fakeMom Trish lost her noodle and said that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen (…trumping even cancer and the typhoon that wiped out an entire city last year, I guess…) and then made this face before threatening to book a flight back to Dallas asap.


No makeup?  Sorry, kids.  It’s a scheduling thang.  Mykel made this face.


A little peanut made this face, which was so sad I wanted to put lipstick on her myself.


Nisa made this face.

And now we just wait until next week.

When Jayliana gets her hair did and we all make this face.hairNisa.  One more time, please.


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