Posts Tagged ‘Mickie Wood’

Toddlers & Tiaras Flashback: Love Is In The Air. Remembering The Pixie Stix Princesses And Playground Playas.

Friday, February 21st, 2014


It’s February.

The most heartfelt month of the year.

I don’t know if it’s the Polar Vortex, residual Valentine’s Day mush or just a crash from all the 75% off CVS candy that’s got me feeling so redneckulously romantical this month.

(Who cares if it’s two weeks later and the candy is heart-shaped?  It’s still chocolate.)

Whatever the reason, this time of year always makes me miss my Toddlers & Tiaras and all the Life Lessons learned over those six too-short seasons.

Shoot.  When they weren’t buzzing around hotel lobbies at 70mph or staring blankly into camera lights waiting for their crazy Pageant Moms to get the Hook, those sparkly kids taught me more about love, life and putting the moves on my teeter totter crush than any self-help book I ever download onto my iPad.  Thanks for nothing, iTunes.

It’s true.  I own it.  Toddlers & Tiaras pretty much made me who I am today.

I like to call it Toddler Relationships 101.

Like how a good milkshake can always bring the Boyz to the yard.  Oh hey, Gurlz.

tumblr_lnyu1zuygp1qdu1jmA subtle bit of Side Eye can make all the difference when playing the game.

tumblr_m7ygk3jNXs1qb9pa3o1_500Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is.  Trust me…the truth hurts.

tumblr_m0efetrLZX1qd9agqo1_500A dude’s gotta do what a dude’s gotta do to score nowadays.

tumblr_inline_mg4lw5Fcxv1ryjwc0Until it backfires and you get busted, of course.  Excuse me?

tumblr_lq02shmxec1qbnfoaI hear that sometimes honesty is the best policy.  But don’t quote me.

giphy-3Unfortunately, no matter how much effort you put into a relationship, sometimes it just ain’t gonna happen.  Don’t even think it.

Toddlers-Tiaras-GifSo you deal with it in your own way and move on.


And when it finally does work, it makes you all like…

tumblr_inline_mp9uynmPCT1qz4rgpSo Happy Belated Valentine’s Day everyone.  Love you.  Mean it.  And, please…


Eden’s World: Miss Fran, I Don’t Think We’re On Kansas Time Anymore. It’s Underpuppy Over The Rainbow, But Not Everyone Can Be Judy Garland.

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012



Lawd, shut the church door. What the eff is that thing on her head?





I’m practicing to carry two waitress trays when I grow up. Mo’ money.





Oh. No. Hell. No. Who gonna check me, Boo?





Maybe it’s just the Pixie Stix kickin’ in, but wasn’t this show supposed to be about that girl?





True dat, Miss Thang. MmmHmm Girlfriend.




I blame RuPaul.

If she hadn’t dangled the crowning of the Next Drag SuperStar right up until the very last second of the show, and then punk’d everyone right before the credits rolled by announcing that we had to wait one more week to see which Queen got all that free makeup…well…I totally would have changed channels before Eden’s World started.

Trust me.  In a heartbeat.

What?  I would have.  For realz.

And I would have gone to bed early with my brandy snifter and settled in with a nice New York Times bestseller and…

Ok.  Wait.  I can’t even finish that last sentence with a straight face.

But don’t give me any flack for RuPaul.  It was strictly research.

No, you shut up.  You never know when they’re going to ask a RuPaul question on Jeopardy.  It’s gonna happen.

Sooner or later they are going to have to stop asking questions about the Spanish Inquisition and Math.  And when they do, and they ask what shape upholstery foam should be carved into in order to create the perfect LadyBoy butt…who’ll be laughing all the way to the bank?

Not you.

So before Ru had even finished punking everyone into a Glamazon coma, little Eden was already slipping under the channel clicker radar and starting another episode.  I swear they dress her up in the same outfit that RuPaul wears just so we don’t notice when one show ends and the second begins.

And there she was.  Again.  I know, right?

They actually made more than just last week’s premiere episode.

This time we started out with Eden’s agent/puppy combo Andrew getting all Rachel Zoe again in his fur vest, spritzing on his cell.  I’m still not 100% positive yet that the little puppy he’s always holding is real, because the thing is always just kind of there like a white furry version of a Reborn baby doll.

You know the Reborns.  The ones that you always see being pushed around Walmart in a Barbie stroller by some lady wearing pajama bottoms who still puts tinfoil on her television rabbit ears.  That’s a whole other show, kids.

Andrew was setting up an impromptu showcase of sorts for Eden since they were back in New York again, and hit up sassy Broadway Producer Tom for a quick drive-by audition.

If you are presently working four waitress jobs to help pay your portion of the rent for a studio walk-up in the Bronx , all while trying to light your own nonexistent  Broadway star, then I’m thinking that seeing Andrew make one local call and get Eden a meeting probably didn’t sit well.  Especially considering he didn’t even have to put down the Reborn to take any notes.  I feel your pain.

Now channel that in your next audition.  Use it.  You’re welcome.

Luckily for the E-Team, Tom just happened to be sitting all by himself behind a bake sale folding table in the dance studio, so Andrew caught him at a good time.

Actually, after only five seconds of screen time, I’m thinking of starting a Broadway career of my own now, just so I can have Andrew set up a meeting with Tom.

Let’s just go there.  I’ll say it right now and get it out on the table.

There isn’t much out there in the world nowadays that makes me happier than seeing white boys who think they are fierce african american girls.

There.  You thought it…and I said it.

And it’s not offensive since I just slammed about ten different categories at once.  It just cracks me the f*** up.

And I’ll say it again cuz I don’t play, bitch.  M’kay?

I mean, seriously.  What’s not to love?  Girrrl, pleez.  Two snaps and a circle.  And a fierce head snap.  And a jello booty shot.

Throw in a Singles Ladies wrist flip and I swear it’s like Christmas came early.  Wrap it up for me.  Just don’t break a nail tying the bow.

As soon as Eden walked in, I thought poor Tom’s head would sashay off his shoulders.

By the time he got done performing his intro act, I forgot whose audition it was.

Naturally, Eden’s Mom had dressed her in yet another understated lunchtime ensemble of fur, feathers, sequins and flowers.  For Mickie, even using the using the restrooms at Macy’s is a potential opportunity to pimp out Eden, so better safe than sorry.

Tom couldn’t get over Eden’s slightly askew RuPaul hat (…a blatant shout out to LogoTV on someone’s part…) her precocious attitude, her airbrushed headshot or her general KidSpaz attention span.

He also couldn’t get over the fact that she really couldn’t sing.

I mean…really.

After screeching a few chunks of her “hit” Underpuppy, Eden bellied up to the bar for her critique.  Seriously, if Tom doesn’t put all his key catch phrases into one manual and publish it by the Fall, I will be devastated.

Dude was the SnarkMaster.  I bow to him.  After discussing annunciation vs. backwoods word spitting, Tom finished her off with the soon to be classic “Not everyone is Judy Garland,” which was followed by a head jut, smirk and “MmmHmm?” which I immediately downloaded as both my screensaver and ringtone.

Then we were off to Indianapolis to meet Tom’s Brother from another Mother, Mr. Nick.

Let’s just say Christmas came twice this week.

Since the producers still need a way to actually get Eden into the storyline each week, aside from letting her run through the background in every scene, we got to meet another untrained Glitz wannabe in desperate need of  Mickie’s Yoda-like wisdom and Eden’s mystical, magical unicorn-powered pageant touch.

This week it was young Ivy, who was under the questionable tutelage of the faboo Mr. Nick…who can do it all, Girlfriend.

He’s a cheer coach, a pageant coach, a female illusionist (…shout out #2 to LogoTV…) and all around finger wagging all up in yo’ face Miss Thang.

If I’m ever trapped in a Ramada elevator on Pageant Day with both Tom and Mr. Nick, don’t call for help.  Just wait for my head to explode and then call Housekeeping.  Take comfort in knowing I died with my brain so full of OhNoSheDin’t that my skull couldn’t contain all the fierceness.  It was a quick death…but it was painless.

And sparkly.  Very sparkly.

After getting into a heated debate with Fran the time management challenged Stylist and Eden’s Manager Heather on whether or not a 7 year old needs sensible yet fake bottom lashes applied before a pageant, Mr. Nick showed off some of his coaching skills under the watchful eyes of Mickie…and Eden when she could focus.

After discerning that Ivy was too robotic, the scene collapsed in on itself and everyone got up to do their runway walk.  Mickie finally got the chance to be an aging pageant girl while Mr. Nick worked it like a photo shoot for the new Gay Lands’ End 2012 catalog.

Andrew just clutched his cell and his Reborn and lived the Dream.

Eden finished us off with yet another gem by reminding everyone that to make it in pageants you “Gotta get the Boom Boom Pow.”

Before the show was even over you know that at least two people stalking the website that Dateline always spies on had already chosen that as their chat name.

One of the tidbits that Producer Tom had tossed out to the E-Team was that in lieu of sparing us all any more ear bleeding and ending this nonsense all together, Eden could probably benefit from some vocal training.  One more puppy hug and phone call later, Eden had an audience with Steven Sorrentino who according to Andrew and Heather, pretty much invented singing and acting.

He’s got white teeth, I’ll give him that.  As he sat mesmerized by Eden’s spot-on Margaret Thatcher and Crocodile Dundee imitations, Mickie hooted and hollered in her seat like she was front row at Caroline’s Comedy Club, slapping anyone in her orbit as she screamed “That’s my baby!  That’s my baby!”

We know it is.  No one else would want it.

Much as she did with Tom and his head bopping, Eden zig zagged her gaze all over Manhattan as Steven tried to give his feedback.  Unless she has some powers to see Poltergeists that the rest of us can not yet visualize, that kid has some serious focus issues.  I’m thinking she was also probably looking for the cue cards that they write out for every one-on-one shot she has to sit through.

Boom Boom Pow.

After realizing that they had forgotten about Ivy, the E-Team bolted back to Indy just in time for the pageant.

Mr. Nick was running Ivy through a few last minute rehearsals.  Though we never actually saw it, I’m pretty sure one of the exercises was to limbo under his legs because Mr. Nick always stood in a really uncomfortably awkward half split in order to get down to Ivy’s level.  It was just low enough and wide enough that it would definitely get you fired as a coach in most junior high schools, but I guess the pageant world runs on a whole different rule book.

Finally it was Pageant Day.  Once again, Fran was behind schedule with the whole hair and makeup thing.

As we touched upon earlier, math is not really my thing…but even I figured out that if there have only been two episodes of this mess so far and Fran has been running behind in both episodes…well…if I had my calculator I’m thinking that it would probably add up to bad averages.

And besides that, isn’t the whole hair and makeup thing…I don’t know…her thing?  Get it together Miss Fran, before someone calls you out on it.

Never mind.  Too late.

In came Mr. Nick with all his finger wagging fierceness, checking the time, slurping his Starbucks and unleashing more early Christmas right up in Fran’s face.

Wait for it….

Boom!  DivaWars.

As a random assortment of pageant babies sucked down sugar and chugged The Dew, Fran and Mr. Nick got their CrazyBitch on, while Andrew clutched his Reborn and waffled between horror and total, unadulterated bliss.  Luckily for all the kids trapped in that hotel room, as well as the LogoTV legal department who would never be able to cover the damages to the furniture, the pageant kicked into gear and they had to break up the street fight.

Mickie ran through all her signature verklempt poses, which I still live for, and predicted that Ivy would take the Supreme Deep Dish crown without a doubt.

Eden ran through the background a couple of times to satisfy the share holders, and then Ivy lost.  Even with her Wilma Flintstone Jungle Boogie outfit.  Bone and all.

Mickie couldn’t believe it, and shoved her way through the crowd to hit up the judges.  And then Eden ran around some more.

Back in the hotel room, Mr. Nick and Miss Fran picked up right where they left off, but this time we had the added bonus of a Stylist Turf War with graphic female body part names being used against each other.  That was a nice touch with those little sugarized kids in the hallway.  Poor little niblets don’t even know they have those lady parts yet, and they’re already scared to death of them.  Nice.

Mr. Nick was disgusted and not impressed, to the point where he called it a really bad word.

Mickie had to break it all up and lay down the law to the E-Team.  I have no clue where Eden was.

Probably at the bar singing Underpuppy.

Girrrllll…..we are definitely not in Kansas anymore.

Eden’s World: It’s Star Wars On Glitter. New York City Braces For Impact As The Eden Empire Arrives To Devour Our Planet, One Pageant At A Time.

Monday, April 16th, 2012



Cuz it’s my world, bitches.  That’s why. Any questions?





When she screeches that Cutie Patootie nonsense, release the nukes.





Not even an army of tanked up Pixie Stix Stormtroopers can stop our quest for World Domination.




Does re-tired mean I’m tired again? Cuz I am. Hold all my calls…I’ll be in my Barbie trailer.




Whaddaya mean this isn’t Toddlers & Tiaras? They promised me this was gonna be on Toddlers & Tiaras!



The time is upon us.

The Ancients predicted it, and now it has finally come to pass.

The prophecy has come full circle, and a Young One has arrived to lead us.

All those past their prime, 13 year old Pageant Princesses with their faded glitz photos and absurdly oversized gem encrusted tiaras tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen.  It could never happen.  Not here.  No way.

But it just did.  With one hyper spin of a makeup chair and a whiny “Hey, Y’all…!” we were invaded.

Eden Wood is back, bitches.

The Gods of Reality TV just dumped a BeDazzled doozie on us this week, with the premiere of Eden’s World on LogoTV.

While the network choice alone is a head scratcher, the premiere episode itself is so chock full of hot mess moments that I’ve already set my DVR to stun.  And Season Pass.

After owning the Toddlers & Tiaras pageant game for a number of years, Eden and her crazy puppeteer Mom Mickie parlayed that initial success into books, frilly outfits and a daytime talk show tour that would make Cher green with envy.  For a time it seemed that everywhere you turned you bumped into an Eden Wood appearance, or a book signing (…choose your favorite Crayola color…) or some form of spontaneous pre-pubescent EdenSpaz whenever she got out of a taxi at the Mall.

But that wasn’t enough for Mom.

No.  Mickie wanted her baby girl to be the next SuperStar!  And at any cost, which in these situations usually translates into a substantial chunk of lost childhood and a math tutor.

(Seriously, these stories would be a lot shorter if you guys could do all the backstory research yourself before all the shows each week.  Not that I mind getting everyone up to speed.  Just saying…)

So that brings us up to date.  And all the way to New York City.

How do I describe it in one sentence?  It’s like if you took every other Reality TV show ever created in the history of the Universe…ever…and shoved them all into one of those Vacu-Seal SpaceSaver bags and let Mickie Wood suck all the air out of it in Times Square.

Compressed into an easy to store 30 minutes…I give you Eden’s World.

The show itself had a few growing pains over the last few months, and little Eden was already kinda sorta demoted to co-star status of her own show before the opening credits ever aired.  Word on the street is that in an effort to ramp up the drama, the producers are letting Eden’s Manager and Publicist go at it like junk yard dogs going after raw scraps…all in the name of good television, of course.

Bleeping out adult potty mouth always makes for great ratings, even when the show is supposed to be about a 7 year old pageant retiree.

The Powers that Be also probably realized early on that there ain’t no way, no how that anyone in their right mind is going to sit through 30 straight minutes of babysitting Eden without getting the going rate.  Plus refrigerator privileges.

So bring on some crazy grown-ups, please.  And they did.

Barely 15 seconds into the show opening and we got to meet Andrew Sullivan, Eden’s publicist.

Or should I say faaaabulous publicist?

Looking like the poor man’s Brad Goreski (…from The Rachel Zoe Project.  Der…) our boy was definitely brought in to keep the Logo in LogoTV.  Every show needs a whacky gay sidekick to succeed, but seriously…when is the faux hawk’s 15 minutes up?

At some point, someone really needs to do a more mathematically accurate research study on the gay boy to sissy dog ratio than just me simply going on my Reality TV assumptions.   But until that time comes, I’ll go on record and say that one dog must come with every membership card in that fraternity.  And some bronzer in a gift basket.

Draped in a whacked out fur number, holding his little puff puppy and hitting up his peeps on his Sidekick, Andrew was textbook cartoon wannabe Fierce.

I immediately joined his online Fan Club, because you know I love me some crazy.  Once he loses his noodle that first time you know I’ll be hooked.

Next up was Heather Ryan, Eden’s Manager.

She’s textbook Woman in a Man’s World.  She’ll cut you if you cross her.  She also talks on her cell like she’s speaking with the President every time the phone rings.

Chill out, honey.  You manage a 7 year old.

To keep the Toddlers & Tiaras contingent happy, the show jumps back and forth between pageants and the Eden Brand, which made for some Star Trek-like Time & Space Continuum issues.  One minute they were in NYC…one minute they were in Wisconsin.  And then back again.

Part of the premise of Eden’s World is that when she is not pimping out her kid, Mickie is also looking to unleash her inner Pageant Yoda on young newbies who need help.

Drawing from Eden’s massive…what was that, six years?…of experience in the industry, they search out lost pageant souls and train them in the ways of the Pageant Jedi.

This week they found 12 year old Adrianna Harris, who was getting picked on by her Wisconsin BFFs for doing the whole pageant thing instead of hanging out at the Food Court on Saturdays.

I’m not gonna lie.  I kind of live for those moments when Mickie gets all verklempt and has to take an over the top soap opera pause to collect her thoughts as she speaks of The Pageant.  I may use her techniques when I give presentations to IBM.

Since Mickie, Eden and Heather were all out in Wisconsin, Andrew was feeling out of the loop.  He also was feeling that Eden should be back in NYC if she was really going to make it into the big leagues.

The only things he wasn’t feeling were the country bumpkins and hard nosed Heather after he jetted off to join them at some kind of Chuck E Cheese meets Jungle Jim’s Jamboreee playground joint.

With Eden wandering in and out of the scene like she was lost at the Mall, Heather and Andrew had their first throw down.

She accused him of whoring off The Brand and hijacking her job.  He accused her of a bad dye job and not doing as much work for Eden as he had been doing.

Andrew actually got Heather so tightly wound that she had to pause and “find the Zone.”

I don’t know what the f*** that meant, but if you haven’t seen the episode yet…right there is a good time to go brush your teeth or get a snack, because nothing happened.  I thought my cable froze.

Back at Adrianna’s house, it was pageant make-over time as all her catty BFFs got an invite to come on over and live in her world for a day.

Eden’s hair and makeup girl Fran Gonzalez was there to help do some doos, and all the girls totally drank the Kool-Aid.  By the time Eden led them all in a “Cutsie Roll” flash mob, they were born again.

After a few seconds in the transporter, the gang was suddenly back in NYC where Heather had scored Eden a meeting with some poor A&M Record execs.

This was big.  BIG.  At least according to Mickie, who OMG’d her way through a list of things that were not even close to being this big.  BIG, I tell you.

After comparing Eden’s potential record deal to the polio vaccine and those QVC candles that look like candles but aren’t really burning, I think Mickie went out back to adjust her panties and light up an unfiltered Marlboro.


When they finally composed themselves and made it upstairs to the studio, Eden immediately jumped up on the table to do her presentation, which was a point of concern for the executives.

Not just because it was unexpected, but because they also eat off that table during working lunch meetings.  Put your Pretty Feet shoes back on, sister.  You’re in the City now.

As Andrew tried to slip under the table in humiliation, Mom cranked up the iPhone backbeats and waved it like a lighter at a Neil Diamond show.  Eden busted out her signature go-to “Cutie Patootie” theme song, complete with pouty face and a booty pop, right up in the uncomfortably amazed and slightly horrified faces of the execs.

You can take the girl out of the pageants, but…

When her two numbers were over and Mr. A&M began sterilizing the laminate with a WetNap, he asked Mickie about the realistic possibilities that they could be in NYC enough to make this all happen.

Let’s just say that Mickie was a little eager to move to NYC and leave it at that.  She’ll be there.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  You name it.  Whenever.  Wherever.

It was like he asked a dog if she wanted to go for a ride in the car.

Then they all zapped back to Wisconsin for Pageant Day, where it appeared that hair stylists are in short supply.  Fran had somehow overbooked herself to the point where I think she was doing every head in the ballroom.  The stress was making her a little loopy.

But nothing compared to crazy Pageant Mom Karen who melted down and got all up in Andrew’s face about the delays.

It was basically two women getting all Bravo Reunion Show on each other’s a**.  Andrew needs to work on his bitch face, because he let a Wisconsin homemaker get him all flustered.

Just walk away! Is that how you do?

Dude.  Now you’re embarrassing men and women.

As Adrianna’s age group was being corralled up on stage, she was MIA, which catapulted Mickie into a 4 minute mile across the hotel.  Fran was falling behind on the big hair and more drama erupted.

Fran needs space.  And an assistant, apparently.  A Learning Annex course in time management probably wouldn’t hurt either.

But Adrianna got her weave on just in the nick of time, and made it to the stage to win Grand Uber Whatever.

Mickie got almost as excited as she does when Eden walks a straight line, and actually motioned for Eden to rush the stage like a groupie.

No lie.  She sent her own kid up there to steal the spotlight from their young Jedi Knight.  Guess that is one more lesson Adrianna learned today.

Gah.  I love Pageant Moms.

To celebrate their victory and the inevitable takeover of Planet Earth, the E-Team gathered for a little nosh at some deli.

Really.  The E-Team.

Like the A-Team.  But without the van or the bullets.

At least for now.

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