DanThat'sCool!

 

 

No. For the millionth time, it’s not “Team Edward or Jacob.” It’s “Team Jacquie.”  Were you even listening to me?

 

 

 

 

And I didn’t text anything bad. Just a sideways kitty face and some LOLs, so back that thing up outta my face.

 

 

 

 

You know that every time Nora hears a cell phone beep she thinks it’s an Alien Mothership. You’re just being mean.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. Do we have enough pink sequins left to spell out “Team Shut The F*** Up, Bitch?”

 

 

 

 

I find that if you Biff ‘em in the Gob with a rolling pin, they shut up and go back to their crafting. It’s a Goombalicious good thing.

 

 

Hey, Baby.

Who’s yer Daddy?

Trust me on this one.  Those are words that you never want to hear spoken by any male cast member from The Jersey Shore, or by anyone employed at a maximum security penitentiary.  Both will send you back home feeling kind of dirty and bummed out.

This week Mob Wives: Chicago was all about Family Issues.

Daddy Issues.  Mommy Issues.  Brothers & Sisters who dump dead bodies off at a cemetery Issues.  The usual.

And the list went on and on.  Some of the issues were seriously raw and touching.

Some…not so much.  But regardless of the level of sensitivity, they were all handled in perfect ChiTown style.

First off, we headed to the local Bead & Sequin Emporium for something shiny.

As you will recall, Leah‘s Mom Jacquie had been diagnosed with cancer and just recently begun treatment.  So sad for anyone…no jokes allowed in this paragraph.  The girls were all going to participate in a Walk to raise awareness, so Leah and Christina were scooping up sparkly stuff to BeDazzle their pink team tee shirts.  Some of the most touching moments in any of those Walks are always the homemade signs and tee shirts proudly remembering both those who survived and those who lost their fight, so I was really hoping they would max out that credit card on Bling.

We love Jacquie and her sassy Golden Girls attitude.  If the rigatoni sauce ain’t spicy enough, just have Mom stick her finger in the pot and you won’t be able to feel your tongue in the morning.

And you don’t need to waste your time on a DNA test to prove she is Leah’s Mom, either.  All Jacquie has to do is open her mouth and you have proof that would probably hold up in any court.  So if anyone deserves a tee shirt that can be seen from Space, it’s Jacquie.  You go, girl.

Christina was going to host the Crafting Night at her house, so she and Leah needed to make sure there were plenty of supplies on hand, knowing full well that if all the girls were going to get together under one roof it was inevitable that at least one bowl of Swarovski crystals would get hurled at someone’s head, and those things are impossible to find in the carpet.

Leah had also decided to invite Nora to participate in the Walk and zazzle up her own tee shirt, more likely out of pity than with the outside chance that she would somehow suddenly become the life of the party.  Ever since Renee unleashed all that ‘Roid Rage Barbie on Nora’s face a few weeks back, Leah had been straddling the fence on the whole issue.  She doesn’t support most of Nora’s decisions, or even support Nora opening her mouth if at possible, but she also doesn’t support half of Chicago ganging up on a woman-child who still thinks hair extensions come from unicorn tails.

While Leah and Christina stocked up on enough epoxy and cubic zirconium to easily enter Nora into any Toddlers & Tiaras Glitz Pageant (…And how amazing would that episode be?  Ladies and Gentlemen–Noraaaaaaaaah.  She likes spinning in circles and seeing own her reflection in soup spoons… ) there was a different kind of family drama brewing down the road.

Renee’s daughter Giana was getting ready to go visit her incarcerated Dad and it was giving her some anxiety.  And we all know that nothing takes the edge off a stressful day like really soaping up your puppy.

(Whoa.  I know what you probably thought I just said since you were skimming this post.  Slow down and read the thing.  You might like it, and not jump to such racy conclusions.)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  I just don’t get these Take Your Dog To The DogWash Store places.  We’ve all seen Renee’s house.  She has a sink.  And a tub, I assume, to wash off all that lavender eye makeup and body bronzer.  The dog is a whole 5 pounds if that…even a quick toilet dunk would hose him off.  Granted, as we learned later on in the episode he can dump on a dining room floor like a St. Bernard that’s been holding it in all week, but he’s pretty much a big purse puppy.

But whatever.  Giana took dirty tiny Blue to the DogWash Store, accompanied by that kid Marco who we all assume by now is her token Whacky Sidekick, styling in his skinny jeans and Club Kid haircut.  Marco is nice enough, but he’s the one who always gets really pink cheeks when he’s flustered or faced with awkward situations.

So you can imagine what the combination of Giana’s impending prison visit did to his complexion when compounded by having to soap up some Blue nibblies.

(I couldn’t say it.  I was dying to say it, but it was just too easy.  You fill in the blank….Blue ____s …and let the hilarity ensue.)

The more Giana thought about the last few years, and the more she scrubbed on those little blue things, the more she realized that some pieces of Renee’s Daddy stories weren’t making sense.

Renee had always explained to Giana that her father never came to see her when she was young, and yet Dad’s story was a completely different version.  He claimed that Renee kept him from seeing his daughter.  Hmmm.

Giana just shook her head, Blue shook off his suds, and they all went home to pack for their trip.

Meanwhile, now that Nora had finally sorted out the phonetic differences between Resume and Exhume, she met with a lawyer to figure out her next step in resuming the exhuming of her Dad’s body.

As Lawyer Man Michael nervously spun his pen between his hands like an Amish furniture maker turning a full set of table legs, Nora rambled on about Frank “The German’s” ORTopsy and what steps needed to be taken in order that she could finally have his body dug up and then tossed back into the ocean.

Hopefully there will be a cremation somewhere in between those two scenarios, because otherwise I can just see him floating back up on shore and we’d have to go through this all over again next season.

After Michael had spun his pen into a toothpick, he sent Nora on her way to meet with a Funeral Director.

Then he changed the locks on his office door.

Since we all know that Mob Wives need to eat, next it was time for some munchies.

Pia had been invited to meet up with Leah and Golden Girl Jacquie.  Pia had never met Leah’s Mom, and since her own Mom was a Survivor, Leah thought it would be good for the three of them to get together to hear Pia’s insights on how to deal with what they were facing.

The scene itself was pretty heartfelt, interspersed with just enough Leah (bleeps) to keep it from being a Lifetime Movie.

Wearing basically the same over-sized spherical earrings that Chinese people hammer gong right before they go to war or do a Dragon Dance, Leah introduced the two women and then just sat back and watched the show.  It turned out that Pia’s Mom and Leah’s Mom knew a lot of the same Mob people in the neighborhood from back in the day, so the whole lunch turned into what I can only imagine it sounds like when two crazy women hang out of their windows in Little Italy flashing gang signs.

“I was with the Goombalotto family.  My Mom was with the Giambalugas. OMG you know Tony Pepperoni, too?  And Tony Bologna?  And how sexy was he when he chewed gum?”

I need to watch that scene again it was so endearing.  Jacquie’s totally gonna beat this thing, because the world needs more women hanging out the window.  Capisce?

Since Pia did so much talking at lunch, she was still hungry so she and daughter Bella hit up the yogurt shop.

Now that Mom’s stripping days were almost behind her, they needed to figure out their next step.  Mom wanted to make sure that Bella knew she would be taken care of and they would be just fine, even if they had to cut corners for awhile.

Bella just wanted to know how they were gonna buy stuff.  Period.  From the mouths of babes.  Gotta love 15 year old kids.  Before you unstraddle that pole, you better make sure I still have cable in my bedroom.  Facebook doesn’t update itself, lady.

But the kids actually get all the props this week.  Both Bella and Giana proved that they are pretty wise beyond their years, and extremely level headed for being raised in what some would consider a less than stable environment.  There seemed to be some underlying hurt that was undeniable, but they both seemed to have their shizzle together, all things considered.

As Giana, Marco and his skinny jeans all headed to Terre Haute for some quality prison time, Leah and Christina took it in a lighter direction and went for some ice cream.

Beyond just reaping the calcium benefits of Fudge Ripple, Christina also needed to fill Leah in on something that had gone down between herself and Renee and Pia.  Turned out that the other night she had met up with the girls, and somewhere along the line Pia had dragged Christina out of the room just long enough for Renee to text Nora.

From Christina’s phone.  Oh.  Hell.  No.  She.  Din’t.

Before we go any further, it should be noted that Leah has THE best Oprah Face when it comes to listening to all this nonsense.  For realz.  She squints and tilts and leans like she’s talking to the freakin’ President every time one of the women barfs up their drama.

Love.  Her.

Anyway.

Even though Renee had brushed the whole thing off as a joke, Christina had begun to feel that Pia and Renee are somehow in cahoots as they say in ChiTown, and she wasn’t liking it.

She promised to stay cool when they all got together for Craft Night, much the same way I promised to stop bringing up the whole Pia and the Kia incident every week.

…and you know how well that worked out, as witnessed by some delightfully misspelled hate mail stuck sideways up my inbox.  Conjunction Junction, What’s Your Function?

Schoolhouse Rock.  Google it, kids.

So the only way to see if Christina would keep her promise was to get right to the arts & crafts.  Bring on the BeDazzling.

Nora didn’t show up to play because she didn’t trust Renee with a hot glue gun, but everyone else was there and…try to act surprised…before they even got the word “TEAM” stuck to the front of their tee shirts Renee popped her cork.

Christina felt violated by anyone touching her phone.  Renee thought it was a hoot.  Rinse & Repeat.  About 32 times.

The whole thing turned into another round of screaming and (bleeping) and accusing and yelling and basically not glueing anything to tee shirts.

Raise your BeDazzler if you didn’t see that one coming.  Anyone?

Finally, Leah Winfrey got up and slapped everyone back into Sweat Shop mode and the tee shirt assembly line was back in bidnezz.

The Daddy issues hung on right up until the very end as Nora met up with a second Funeral Director who reminded her that Frank had been in the ground for quite some time now, and might not be in perfect factory condition if they ever get approval to open the lid again.  That one didn’t really seem to register with Schweihs Spice, even though she vowed to be there for the unveiling even if she was too medicated to operate heavy machinery.

Yeah.  Until all the other family members sign on the dotted line, the jury is still out on this one.

Just remember Geraldo Rivera‘s face when they finally opened the Titanic safe.

Since maximum security prisons are not big on VH1 cameras in the commissary, we didn’t actually get to witness Giana’s reunion with her Dad.  We did get a quick glimpse of his mug shot, which kind of looked like he could have been the Dad of one of those One Direction dudes, and a quick recap of his murder rap.

Convicted murderer or not, he was still Giana’s Dad, and she loved him and missed him.

Tag.  You’re it.  I’m not even going near that one.

Giana cried.  And then cried some more.  She also began to believe her Dad’s side of the story and not what Renee had led her to believe her entire life.  It might be time to confront her Mom.

Yeah.  Renee.

That realization made Marco’s cheeks as pink as those BeDazzled tee shirts.

Get well soon, Jacquie.

 

 

Oh, yeah…now that’s what I’m talking about. That’s the good stuff. Mama likes.

 

 

 

 

 

Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep NORA Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep!

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously? Not one of you Goombaloon bitches even noticed my new soft curls? I look a-ma-zing.

 

 

 

 

 

Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep NORA Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep!

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, this is totally going on Facebook. Lift up your shirt.

 

 

 

 

So it looks like I might be a day late on this one.

Unfortunately, it’s not because of anything as exciting as rambling, illiterate Facebook hate mail (…seriously, does anyone use spellcheck anymore?…) or spam from the poor few out there born without funny bones who still haven’t figured out that this whole site is my humorous way of actually showing support for all these shows.

It’s not Rocket Science, people.  It’s Reality TV.

Yes.  Granted, they are quite similar and I can understand your confusion, but there’s still a slight difference between the two educational genres.  Figure it out or stop Googling yourself.

But I digress.

As it turns out, I had decided to play a new drinking game during this week’s chaotic post-beatdown Mob Wives: Chicago and take a shot every time Renee swore on screen after punching Nora.

Needless to say, I was passed out within the first 3 minutes.

The next thing I remember was waking up on my couch to VH1′s Best of the ’90s and some left over Cheetos on my face.

Man, that Renee could give a longshoreman a case of nervous pee.  And she proved it over and over…and over…again this week as the Wives all tried to decompress after the blow up and throw down that took place last week at Christina‘s party.

For those of you with some short term memory issues, we’ll hit the basics again.

Nora had called Pia a whore for stripping and (…allegedly…) doing the nasty up in those private booths that I can’t afford, which immediately resulted in Pia offering up a full frontal palm slap right into Nora’s dizzy forehead.

Upon impact, Nora went off like a cat when you throw it in the bathtub, unleashing her SchweihsSpaz (…say that three times fast, I dare you…) in every direction at once.  It was like on the Saturday morning cartoons when that zippy mouse is suddenly in every corner of your television screen, except this mouse had booze on its breath and a couple of angry chicks tugging on mousey extensions.

Areeba Areeba Undalay Undalay!

At some point earlier in the evening, Renee and Pia had also apparently devised a secret code known only amongst themselves which resulted in a perfectly timed tag team attack on Nora before anyone knew what hit, and Nora didn’t stand a chance when they both jumped on her head.

Somehow in all the excitement, Renee even ended up crawling on all fours in her designer dress trying to egg on Nora into some Chicago style junkyard dawg wrestling.

And then Nora said it.

Yeah, she did.  And now you’re up to speed.

If you need to leave now, the moral of the story is: Never say “You’re father molested you everyday” no matter how angry you get.  Just don’t, if you know what’s good for you.

Unless you want a whole lot of Renee all up in your face, that is.  Then go for it.

Because when Nora blurted out that gem, Renee went from all fours to full on mid-air Matrix so fast I thought she was rigged with off-Broadway Peter Pan cables or something.

After those two big dudes, who I swear materialize in on Star Trek transporter beams just in the nick of time each week, broke up all the girls, Christina went scooting after Nora while Renee and Pia licked their own wounds.

Right around now is when I must have passed out, because the last thing I remember was Nora declaring that Pia must have gonorrhea.  Say whaa–?  Who says that?

That one kind of came out of nowhere, and I’m thinking that it must have been the first thing that Nora could think of that rhymed with the word Pia, because who even talks about that disease anymore?  Is it even still around?  There are way cooler things that strippers can get nowadays, right?  Allegedly, I mean.

In the opposite corner of the Ring, Pia and Renee were doing some serious Nora bashing and for a second I thought that the guy in charge of the Bleep Machine had accidentally put his water bottle down on the button, because it was basically two minutes of solid bleeped out potty mouth.

Honesty, if I had been away from my TV getting snacks and heard all that I would have assumed it was the Emergency Broadcast System alarm and immediately gone into my Safe Room before any nukes hit my neighborhood.

Nice talk, Renee.  Seriously nice (bleepin’) talk.

Finally Christina couldn’t take anymore of the BS, and realizing that nobody had even touched the appetizers in all the chaos, shoved a camera guy out of the way and went home after scoring a (bleep) or two of her own.

The next day after the dust had settled and some of the swelling had gone down, Pia and her daughter Bella headed out for a stroll and some quality time in their Ugg boots.

Mom wanted to fill her daughter in on everything that had gone down at the party before she caught wind of it at school or on the Reunion Show and hopefully enjoy a little Mother/Daughter bonding at the same time.

I like Bella.  Quite a bit, actually.  She seemed to have a pretty good head on her shoulders, and supported her Mom regardless of any good or bad choices she may have made over the last 15 years.  We got a little bit of backstory on the family, and Pia had a good cry.

Bella is getting to that age when the other girls at school are going to start tossing her some serious locker room attitude for having a stripper Mom, so Pia had decided to give up the pole and do something else to keep the Netflix account active.  What that is going to be exactly is still TBD, but kudos Pia for being proactive and getting the ball rolling.

(That was an unintentional stripper joke…but in retrospect it’s a keeper.  I almost wish I had said Pia had been ‘juggling a lot of balls in the air’ or something, but I missed the opportunity.  I swear, sometimes the funnies just come out of me and I don’t even realize it until it’s too late.)

Then it was time for a One Woman Crusade/Restaurant Tour as Christina began searching out every party victim in an attempt to reunite all the girls and basically fix this hot mess.

Yeah.  Good luck with that, sister.

First on her list was Nora, who dramatically entered the restaurant looking like Chicago’s Phantom of The Opera wearing Jackie O sunglasses, of course.

Pause here to scroll back up and check out the size of the ring on Renee’s hand in one of the above photos.

Then do the mathematical calculations for velocity x force x bitch face…and now you can imagine the severity of little Nora’s battle scars when she slowly removed her googly eyed sunglasses and revealed a slice of seriously tenderized luncheon meat face.

Bitch was beat up.

Besides her raspy Walmart voice and strange obsession with shoulder cut-outs, Christina also has a big heart, and she really felt bad for Nora.  Christina has compassion for people, even ditzy ones, and she really wanted to help Nora get past all the drama even though the chick sometimes drives her bazoinkers.

Second stop on the Crusade was an opportunity to multi-task.  Christina got to talk to my girl Leah and score a free pedicure at the same time.  Win-Win.

Who knew?  I had no idea that Goombalicious Leah was also skilled in the world of manis and pedis.  But she is, and she got right down to bidnezz on Christina’s little piggies while listening to all the reasons why everyone should just get along despite that whole annoying molestation accusation.

Now everyone knows I love me some Leah.  Especially when her hair and eyeglass stylings are both cray cray.  But I don’t know if I would ruffle her feathers while she’s down there grinding a pumice stone on my delicate paws.  The more Christina pled Nora’s case, the harder Leah ground into Christina’s toes.  Yeeouch.  I need all ten of those, thank you.

Did I mention how much I love Leah?

I love the way she talks.  Like she’s giving a lecture at Goomba U, and every word has a coordinating hand motion to drive the point home to the kids way up in the cheap seats.

Hands are up.  Hands are down.  Fingers are stuck together.  She’s pointing.  She’s Badabing-ing.  I’m pretty sure Leah even vogued a few dance moves before giving her final opinion on the whole matter.

Nora needs to keep her Goombazoo shut.  Which I guess is her mouth.  Or at least I hope it is.  Eeew.

Moving on, Christina took her Tour, and her shiny new toes, to the docks to meet up with Pia.  Not sure why they had to meet there, or why they had to approach each other like they were trading off government secrets and a stick of plutonium, but they did.

Christina couldn’t quite get a handle on why Pia was seemingly choosing Renee’s side of the story.  Not only because Renee had previously turned talking smack about Pia into a lucrative part-time job, but also because Pia and Nora had a history that would seem to trump any newfound loyalty to Renee.

Nothing much got solved on that meeting, and no plutonium traded hands.  You didn’t miss much.

Then it was back to another fine Chicago eatery with Leah, Renee and Christina.  Same story.  Different lunch special.

The Bleep Guy put his water bottle back on the button again for a few moments as Renee unleashed yet another lengthy string of nasties, this time accompanied by a few proctological fist manipulations that would easily score you bonus points in charades.

Somewhere in the heat of the conversation Renee accused Christina of defending Nora, Leah accused Christina of being a Goombasomething or other and a table of Sorority girls tried not to get caught looking over at all the action.

No clue who all those girls were, but you knew they could totally recite every single word of Call Me Maybe.  And do the dance.  You could just tell.

Third time’s a charm, I guess, because Christina then met up with Leah one-on-one to cover the same topic they had just covered the last two times they were together.  Leah was just about to lose her GoombaNutty by Round Three.

Then it was Christina and Pia discussing the topic.  This chick’s gonna run out of restaurants before she gets this thing settled.

Whether or not she ever patches up all the leaks in these friendships, I hope Christina gets her cholesterol levels checked when this is all over.  She’s been eating out a lot lately.

While everyone else was talking about how crazy Nora was, Nora was busy taking her crazy back to the winery to sample the results of her tribute wine.

The wine that was supposed to somehow taste like her MIA Dad was finally done, so Nora and BFF du jour Desiree headed back to pump out a few shots of Frank’s German Juice.  There were quite a few classic Nora moments in this scene, but I forgot them all as soon as Nora decided to price the self described classy, Chicago socialite upper scale vino somewhere in the $15.99 to $17.99 range.

Price check, register 2.

While Nora played with the cork machine, Christina was back in town meeting and eating with Pia.  Same story.  Yet another lunch special.

I’ll give Christina her props.

She kept plugging away at this Crusade, regardless of what any of the other girls had to say.  And she went at it with some seriously raspy gusto.  But every once in a while you could catch her spacing out and going into her patented WTF face as Renee or Pia or Leah or Nora pled their case.

You know the face.  We all do it.  When you’re looking at someone but thinking something else.

Like right then as Pia went on and on about stripping and Nora…and Nora and stripping…and Christina just looked at her like she couldn’t remember if she had turned the stove off or not.

That face.  I officially fell in love with Christina this week on that face alone.  She is a hoot with a heart of gold.  She just needs to work on her Poker Face.

The last meal of the week finally came when Christina, Nora and Leah met up for munchies.

Nora had her sad face on, and Leah had her “Over It” tee shirt on.  Even though Nora tried to soften the mood by throwing Leah’s sick mother into the mix, Leah went straight for the molestation topic and explained that you just don’t pull that card out of the deck.

Ever.

Backed into a corner, Nora pulled out her iPhone and showed Leah the photos she had taken the night of her beatdown.  Like when kids post those Facebook pictures they take in the bathroom mirror with their cell, but at least Nora wasn’t in her underwear or flexing or making a Jersey Shore pucker mouth.

She was just beat up.

It freaked out Leah and then she didn’t know what to think about the whole thing.

And Christina wondered if the iron was still on at home.  It’s been a long week.

 

 

You’re a bigger Goombaladoof than Leah said. And for the last time…there’s no such thing as Unicorns!

 

 

 

 

I can point, too. Granted I’m pointing completely in the wrong direction…but I’m pointing. So that still makes you a nasty a** bitch.

 

 

 

You may have Beer Muscles, but check out these Shake Weight Weapons. And I’m unleashing them on your face.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously. What did they use to glue these acrylics on with…road tar? They won’t even budge.

 

 

 

 

I’m coming for you, bitch. You’d better sleep with one eye open. And then when I find you, I’m totally poking it out.

 

 

 

 Let’s just get one thing out of the way first, so we can focus on the good stuff.

There just wasn’t nearly enough of Leah’s Goombaliciousness in this week’s episode of Mob Wives: Chicago.  Not even close.

Now that we cleared that up, here we go.

Not to be outdone by Pia and Christina pummeling each other over cocktails a few weeks back, this time around the contestants in the Ring were googly-eyed Nora and Mattel’s new ‘Roid Rage Barbie, Renee.

Though their Match.com profiles reveal a 40 year friendship of sorts (…loyalty is an important quality when looking for love or new shelter dogs, after all…) there had been a lot of tension between the two ladies lately, and Renee showing up late to Nora’s makeshift memorial luncheon for her Dad had been the final straw.

Even after she had rolled in late and strolled over to the memorial table for 4 like it was a Meet and Greet at Barnes & Noble, Renee still didn’t fully comprehend why Nora had gotten so upset.  Leaving before the main course was even served didn’t help her cause, either.

Nor did the fact that Nora is just plain whackadoodle.  Ask Leah.

Instead of really addressing the issue head on, they had both been letting it stew, which makes for some great Reality TV but doesn’t always lend itself to fence mending.

So now enough time had passed to really let that bitter taste seep into those pounding veins on the side of Nora’s temples.  You know the ones.  The veins that control the blood flow to her crazy eyes.

Thinking that a little nosh might help their cause, Renee and Nora met for lunch.

Renee showed up with a bad attitude and one of her signature hats.  Nora showed up with her sidekick Julie, who apparently was still milking that out of state visit for a few more 15 minutes.

But seriously…would you want to go and sit in airport security and miss any of this?

That girl ain’t going nowhere.  Oh, hell no.  This is some good shizzle.

Remember in junior high when two girls would sit in study hall and tell private stories that a third girl at the table wouldn’t understand?  And they would laugh and finish each other’s sentences and have private jokes about boys that the third girl wouldn’t understand?  Even though they were all supposed to be friends? Or at least they were supposed to be, according to what they told the girl in chorus who told the boy in band who accidentally told the boyfriend of the third girl?

Did you follow that?

Well that was lunch with Nora and Julie.

Awkward.

Renee kept waiting for Nora to say something.  Nora kept waiting for Renee to say something.  Julie just stared and wondered where Renee buys all those hats.

Finally the whole late to the memorial thing came out, tempers flared and Renee’s voice bumped up an octave.  She immediately got all Chicago Bears linebacker and went into her defensive Finger Formation.

The only thing Renee likes more than hats is pointing her finger.  Within the first 5 minutes of the show she stuck that digit out and didn’t put it back in the holster until the end credits were rolling.  Girlfriend could definitely give any Atlanta Housewife a run for their money when it comes to the OhNoSheDin’t finger wag.

Granted, Renee’s is a little more White Girl when she pokes it at you.  And every once in awhile it did look more like my old Biology 101 teacher’s-aid pointing at the chalkboard then it did a death threat, but she does the whole NeNe thing pretty well.   Props.

Since it was clear that this was only the tip of the iceberg, we moved on to lunch with Leah and Christina.

Full disclosure.  I don’t even remember what they talked about because I couldn’t stop looking at Leah’s outfit.

I.  Love.  Her.

Did you see those leggings?  Or maybe they were jeggings.  Or NASA flight thermals.

No clue.  I didn’t dare get any closer to my television set for fear of retinal burn.

Where do you even buy those?  I swear they were sewn from the metallic Art Deco wallpaper that contestant just used on HGTV Design Star for the White Room Challenge.  They were blinding.

And only my Reality TV Girlfriend #2 (…sorry, still holding out for Big Ang.  But Leah…love you.  Mean it…) could ever attempt to pull those off in public.

I’d say she had some balls, but they would never fit in those tight pants.

So I won’t say it.

Aside from leggings that could be seen from the international space station, the other keeper from this scene was Christina.  I’m becoming obsessed with the way she yells when she talks.  No matter where she is or what she has to say, she always sounds like she’s three beers in and trying to talk over the DJ.  I’m developing quite a fondness for her raspy Bingo Night voice.

She’d be a freakin’ riot in church…Pass the freakin’ hymnal or I’m going over this freakin’ pew right now.  You really wanna do this right here?

I’m now officially on Team Christina because she scares me and cracks me up all at the same time.

Next we took a breather for some Mother/Daughter bonding.  Or so I thought.

Pia took her daughter Bella to lunch, to celebrate finally washing the car and to have a little family time.

On the rather lengthy List of things that drive me crazy, punk a** kids texting instead of paying attention is right up there with not being able to find that microscopic slit in the plastic seal around a Visine bottle.

I mean…is there liquid gold in there or something that I’m not aware of?  I swear someday I am going to go blind on the floor of a CVS before I ever get that thing peeled open.

Anyway.  Bella kept ditzing around with her Sidekick while Mom was trying to tell her something important.

Did Pia find a real job?  Is she getting married?  Is she moving them both out of town to start over?  Or sad news…does she have a terminal illness?  She seemed pretty serious.  It was like a Friday afternoon soap opera cliffhanger.

What’s going on?  Pay attention, Bella.  You can sideways Kitty face yourself into a coma later…Mom is trying to talk to you.

And it turned out to be a pretty big announcement.

Two big ones, actually.

Pia announced that she was getting a boob job.  And they could both be deducted on her taxes, even though I still can’t get a break on my gym sneakers.

OMG. WTF.  Send.

Down the block aways, Renee had a quick meeting with her friend Chrisy, spelled with one “S” like you would do if you were on Toddlers & Tiaras.

Red haired Chrisy looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember if it was from a country music video or a spanish telenovela.  She was pretty in a skinny Wynonna kind of way and laid it all out for Renee when it came to getting all her crap back from Nora.

Turned out that over time, Renee had loaned Nora clothes, jewelry and enough cash to stock her cabinet with meds and keep the cable box on while she was trying to get herself back on her feet.  We never really got the full scoop, so I made up a great story in my head that I’ll share at a later date.

For comic relief, we next took a trip to the Soggy Paws dog washing store so Pia and Nora could hose down their puppies.

Sorry, but DIY dog washing joints are right up there with Life Coaches on another List.

Why do you need them?  Do you actually live in a place with no running water, or no sink or no bath tub?  If that’s the case, then you should probably reconsider your choice to even have pets.  Unless you suffer from the Hair Clog Phobia that was just on that show where the girl ate mattress stuffing, I think you can wash your dog at home, thank you.

The only reason I’m eating up valuable type space on this scene is because when the chubby little Soggy Paws dude in the baseball cap was giving Pia directions on how to soap up her mutt (…I said “mutt,” you pervs…) he told her to squirt him all over like a hot dog.

Which is funny when you remember she’s a stripper.

Moving on from that hilarity, we got another waaay too short glimpse of Leah.

Christina met up with Leah and her Dad Wolf DeSimone to figure out how to tell her own Dad that she had gotten divorced.  It was a zippy little visit to introduce Wolf, who looked exactly like I thought he would look for some reason.  Except he wasn’t holding a racing form.  But otherwise…I nailed it.  Christina yelled over the DJ again and it made me smile.

Then the Nora vs. Renee Grudge Match really started to heat up.

After receiving a lengthy voice mail from Renee that basically consisted of “It’s Renee… (200 bleeps)…and bring my stuff back. Dial tone.” Nora scooted across the street with one of those little suitcases you give your granddaughter on her first trip out of town, packed full of Renee’s belongings.

As soon as she walked into Renee’s apartment, the fireworks and finger wagging began.

Screaming, swearing, crazy eyes and enough classic Mob Wives (bleeping) to get me through the next commercial break.

Renee does love to stick that finger in people’s faces, and Nora’s wonky eyes are more than ample target.  She managed to bolt out the front door before Renee could melon ball them out of her skull, but not before landing one big hit right below Renee’s Gucci belt.

Nora managed to get the last word in when she went for the open sore known as ‘bitter child custody battle’ and blurted out “I hope you lose your daughter!”

Yeah.  She went there.

Taking it down about 300 notches, Christina and Pia finally met up to smooth out any remaining wrinkles in their relationship.

Higher on my List than the Visine wrapper is bad editing, so I refuse to even elaborate on this scene except to make mention of the fact that sometimes Pia’s sunglasses were on her head, and sometimes they weren’t.

And then they were again.  And then they weren’t.

Get it together.  Or hire me for your Continuity Guy.  Six figure salary.  Call me.

During all that poor editing, something must have happened that gave Christina the nerve to finally come clean about the D-I-V-O-R-C-E, because she braved a smokey cigar bar to meet up with Daddy Raymond Janek and show him her naked ring finger.

Unfortunately, Raymond didn’t take it too well and Christina left the bar smelling like second hand smoke and paternal disappointment.  Next stop: her daughter.

As Christina’s ego deflated, Pia’s boobs were going in the opposite direction.

All it took were a couple of clear Tupperware casserole containers filled with the biggest blobs of saline ever, and she had her new girls installed.  Now she not only had perkier money makers, but two empty plastic bowls to store all her receipts in for tax season.

OMG. WTF. Retweet.

The final fight on the Nora/Renee Card took place at yet another unlucky Chicago eatery.  Between payments to the Board of Health and building reconstruction charges, being in the restaurant biz can’t be a very lucrative venture when the Mob Wives come to town.

Nora had set up one last ditch attempt to reconcile with Renee, which went about as well as you would expect.

Screaming, swearing, more crazy eyes and all the classics again.  But this time they were both dressed a little nicer and Renee had makeup on.

After having Renee’s finger all up in her bidnezz for 5 minutes, Nora finally snapped and made a grab for her boney hand.  As they arm wrestled across the table, it got louder and louder and (bleepier) and (bleepier) until Nora got up and made a dash for the door.

She does that a lot it seems.

Instead of just letting her hit the road, Renee kept increasing the pitch of her voice until once again only well shampooed dogs could hear her screaming.  The increase in decibels must have made Nora lose her noodle, because she went roaring back towards the table with all her eyes and veins popping.

And then she slapped Renee.

Yeah.  She went there.

Let’s just say that Renee didn’t take that very well.

Neither did the bouncers who had to pull them apart.

And please…tell me someone else noticed the skinny kid at the cash register texting like he was on fire.

Dude. LMAO. 2 Mob Wives just blew a major nutty. They went f***ing Goombalistic.

Send.