Mob Wives Reunion: It’s Nothing But Prison Wives And Buttah Knives. There’s No Love In The Room Tonight.Monday, April 22nd, 2013
Raise your hands if you were expecting Wendy Williams and have no clue why Dr. Drew is here today.
How You Doin’…? That’s what that lady says, right? Holler.
Seriously? I’ve got a freezer full of Italian sausages to nibble on and I’m sitting here? Mama’s got the munchies.
Because proper oral hygiene is very important and everyone should floss once a day. And you’re a Bitch.
Go on Google, you whore. Or Amazon…and then you can buy my book at the same time. Boom!
That’s a nice story, but I’m really gonna need you to keep all your Krazy on that side of the room.
Dammit. I think I left my Chapstick and Newports in the cab.
Sorry, NeNe Leakes.
(Bleep) is the new Bloop.
You and the rest of your Gone With The Wind Fabulous ATL girls just got skooled by Staten Island. Watch, and learn.
Remember that episode of Meerkat Manor where all the lady ‘kats were fighting and and gnawing and spraying on the same piece of dead carcass and you couldn’t tell which one was making all the noise? And there was fur and sharp teeth flying everywhere while that one scrawny boy ‘kat who got left behind at the burrow just kept running in circles trying to find the escape tunnel?
I give you Mob Wives: The Reunion.
With Dr. Drew Pinsky, for some reason.
After a season full of rehab, hurricanes, wedding gowns and beat downs, everyone was back together again for one last hurrah. Except for Love Majewski, that is.
The Divine Miss M, along with her crazy face, crazy talk and crazy boobs, were all noticeably MIA from the pseudo-Andy Cohen couches, and the Doctor addressed the issue as soon as the theme song stopped playing.
Surrounded by a whole lot of shiny lips and sparkly eye lids, Dr. Drew explained that everyone had decided it was “Best if we part ways,” which is basically just textbook HR Code for “We fired her NutWad a** for being such a loose cannon and making our VH1 insurance deductibles go through the roof. Bitch was cray to the umpteenth power of cray. No thank you.”
She no longer works for the company. We wish her well.
And then we had the first video montage of the evening: The Best of Love.
With all your favorite Love Hits, including Bath Salt Zombie and I’ll Stab You To Death.
Order before midnight tonight and you’ll also receive a free pair of nipple pasties and a shiv as your bonus gifts with purchase. But hurry…quantities are limited.
Two minutes into the Reunion and Dr. Drew was already more nervous than he was when all those D List celebrities were OD’ing on his watch.
Renee didn’t like Love, so it was no loss. Big Ang, who was working some seriously reflective Captain America ballistic fish scales, is still my secret girlfriend and can do no wrong. She was not surprised that Love had been fired, but beyond that comment didn’t really seem to be paying much attention. For most of the show Big Ang appeared to be trying to remember if she left the iron turned on back at home.
Karen, who traded off her signature ombré hair extensions with Ramona after the show went on hiatus, reminisced about punching out Love in a parking lot when she was only 17 years old. Cuz that’s how they role in Staten Island.
Luckily, Drita was there to explain the difference between a Semi-Mental Case vs. just Keeping It Real. Because there’s a difference when you pop off on someone in a parking lot.
If you’re mental, you might get a reduced sentence. If you’re just Keeping It Real, then…well…you’re just Keeping It Real on a bitch’s face. It’s Staten Island.
Gah, I love me some Mob Wives.
And then I’m not really sure what happened. I only looked down for three seconds, and when I looked back up Ramona and Carla were going at it like junk yard dawgs.
But that’s part of the Mob Wives Magic. One minute they can all be hanging out getting manis and pedis, and the next thing you know the censor button is going off like Morse Code on a sinking submarine.
Carla must have wagged her finger at Ramona, because all of the sudden the two of them were going off like bottle rockets from opposite couches as Dr. Drew looked around for all that security they had promised him in the pre-production meeting.
Ramona wanted Carla to sign a paper that she wouldn’t sue or call the cops if Ramona laid some smack down on her gossipy head. Carla started flapping her hands and fingers around like she was bringing in aircraft, which sent Ramona off on a “Cop Caller” chant until Dr. Drew finally had to stand up and block Ramona’s view with his doc crotch.
Seriously. Did he really think that would work? Has he ever even watched this show? Ramona just bobbed and weaved around his body like a heavyweight boxer getting ready for a KO until her face got uncomfortably near the good Doctor’s pinsky.
Yeah. Rizzo was a little too close to the medical bag for a Bride-to-be. Just saying.
As the two of them screeched at each other behind his back, DD tried to introduce the next montage: Drita’s Birthday Party.
The one with the big Love vs. Carla beat down and all those bald guys running around trying to pull them both apart while people threw drinks in their faces and went off like banshees. That birthday party.
Then it was back to Ramona and Carla, who were still having the same fight they were having when we last saw them.
Ramona called Carla a Racist, because she allegedly refers to every single person of color as “You People,” which I believe the Rev. Al Sharpton frowns upon. A modern day KKK was pretty much how she described the situation. Yeeouch.
Karen quickly mentioned that Carla was rude and snippy. Carla then did some more hand signals and went in for the kill by bringing up Family. Yes…with a capital “F.”
Oooh, Girl. You do NOT bring up Family.
You don’t do it on The Real Housewives of New Jersey with that Manzo lady, and you certainly don’t do it when you’re Daddy’s in the Mob. Karen even tried to make the point clear one more time before she finally blurted out that Carla wanted the Gravano Family to save her own father back in the day.
Carla claimed to not know much about what Karen meant, because she doesn’t talk “Mob” like the rest of “These Girls.” Karen pointed out that she could easily go on Google and find out what the F*** she was talking about, and then Google changed the locks on its corporate headquarter offices.
At some point there was a lot of shizzle being tossed around regarding Ramona’s ex stealing money from her own father, but I forget exactly when Carla lobbed that fast ball at Ramona’s head. There was so much shade being thrown at every turn that it doesn’t really matter, so you can pretty much just stick that zinger in wherever you please and it will fit like a CSI glove.
The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. A buttah knife.
That’s right. They went there. They brought up the buttah knife scene again, where Carla had flipped a switch on Renee and threatened to cut her throat and let all her junkie pills spill out onto the table.
Dr. Drew asked Renee if she had felt threatened by the buttah knife. Seriously.
Have you ever tried to spread butter straight from the refrigerator on a piece of toast? If you can’t even do that, how are you going to cut someone open? Dude. Please.
Carla admitted that she may have overstepped her bounds by calling Renee a Junkie, but that the man she once dated had not been 100% married, whatever that meant. Even Karen got a little WTF with that statement. Nothing like a WTF Mob Wife Face.
Ramona countered by declaring that her ex-husband had been officially separated from his wife when she had started seeing him, which I guess would make her relationship come in somewhere around 99% when compared with Carla’s situation and ultimately make Ramona the winner for that Round.
MobMath is hard. Luckily, before I had time to do tally the calculations, Ramona went off on Carla again. And this time she wanted to jump her, sit on her, break off a rib and use it to pick her own teeth after eating Carla’s face like prosciutto luncheon meat.
Don’t try this at home, kids. It’s strictly for role models.
To lighten the mood a little, Doc then gave us all a little history lesson on the Drita, Karen and Ramona triangle. Today they all get along. As of noon today, anyway.
That’s about as far out as I’ll commit to that one.
The next video montage was all about Renee’s Addiction.
We relived some of her time in rehab, got a grocery list of the pills she used to ingest and then welcomed her son AJ to the couch. Bro was still a little on the chillaxed, whatever dude side, but AJ has always stuck by his mom regardless of any bad choices she may have made in glitter blue eye shadow or sedatives.
AJ still didn’t really agree with addiction being an illness, though. Just Stop. Stop and then go play video games. It’s that easy. From the mouths of babes, I guess.
But the guy loves his mom and was headed to Miami, because it was time to move on and get a real job. And Prada makes some sweet sunglasses. That, too.
Then it was nothing but ManTalk and DirtyTalk for the rest of the Reunion.
Drita had let Lee back into her home now that he was out of the Halfway House. She has guilt about what they put their children through over the years. Lee, on the other hand, still didn’t have any guilt about cheating on her, so I wouldn’t be adding any other names to the mortgage paperwork just yet, honey.
Carla then got a quick moment to snark on Joe and his Carla 2.0 girlfriend Raquel before Dr. Drew introduced Karen’s Dbag ex Dave Seabrook to the couch.
At least this time he wasn’t chewing gum at the very front of his mouth like they do at Sports Bars when they’re checking out chick’s hooters. But he’s still Dave. And he’s still dating ice cold Cyborg Rebecca, who Karen has come to except but still not really understand.
Dave kinda sorta admitted that he might have been wrong for either not telling Karen about Rebecca earlier, or for leaving one of Rebecca’s thongs hanging from Karina‘s Hello Kitty bedroom ceiling fan. It was a rather forced apology, so it wasn’t really clear where he was going with it. But better than nothing, as they say.
Karen confirmed that she was still with music mogul Storm, and that he was just fine.
Oh yeah. Just fine. Big Daddy fine. Single and Ready to Mingle fine. With a lip lick.
MmmMmm. Mama likes.
And then it was on to Ramona’s wedding. If that ever happens.
Despite all the other women rolling their eyes and trying to explain how tough it is being a Prison Wife, Ramona was still dead set on marrying the incarcerated Joe Sclafani, whether he could be make it to the chapel or not.
It might be at the federal prison. It might be at the Elks Lodge with paper cups. It could be this year. It could be this afternoon, so excuse me if I have to cut taping a little short and scoot over to city hall.
They have no idea when this is all going to go down.
But as for getting down…never. Because you can’t do the nasty in a federal prison. It’s a law. So no conjugal visits.
After the camera crew all breathed a sigh of relief, the horny talk got Drita a little giggly and she tried to explain why she had compared Lee’s return home to having a freezer full of fresh, hard, ready to eat produce in the shape of a man’s nibblies.
According to the Food Pyramid, a person should have 3 to 5 servings a day if you know what I mean, and Drita was ready to go down on those things like a starving rabbit.
It was right about here when Big Ang finally woke up and Karen swallowed her gum.
Seriously. I don’t think even I’m old enough to be watching this show anymore.
And that’s that.
Hurricane Sandy. Hurricane Majewski.
Trust me. Staten Island will rebuild and come back next season, bigger and stronger and louder and blingier than ever.