Mob Wives: Of Dogs And Men. One Messes Up Your Carpet, One Messes Up Your Life. The Girls Learn That Being A Mob Dawg Means You’re Either Kicking Butts Or Sniffing Them.Monday, May 7th, 2012
Oh, yeah. The JoeDawg would totally tap that. Gggrrrufff!
Keep it up, bitch, and one more puppy is about to get neutered…m’kay?
Sure…I missed him. At least this much of him, anyway. Mommy likes her wiener dogs.
Oooh, girlfriend…dat’s just nasty. Put that hound on a leash and walk it.
It was Mob Wives Week on Animal Planet.
Or at least that’s what I thought when I first tuned in and saw all the tiny dogs running around like it was Superbowl Sunday.
A Gangstah Puppy Bowl, but with a referee who swore a lot and packed a gun instead of a whistle.
If you’re a dude, this week was like a rolled up newspaper to the nose. In probably the least man-friendly episode yet, us menfolk were compared to horny dogs, sloppy dogs and dogs that run away and leave behind a house full of heartbroken children.
No wonder all the Wives have given up on men and made the switch to little pocket dogs.
We started out with our first puppy, Lucky Santangelo, plopped in Drita’s lap as she took another reverse charge call from Lee’s prison cell.
Lucky, a tiny little ball of brown fur that looks the same from both ends, was apparently named after the “dangerously beautiful” mob daughter of Gino Santangelo in all those Jackie Collins novels and Nicolette Sheridan mini-series.
(“DanThat’sCool…Where we do the Googling so you don’t have to!”)
Last week Lee had announced that the first half of the second part of his third sentence, or whatever, was going to be done in Brooklyn which made for much less traveling on Take Your Kids To Prison Day. Drita was excited that the children stood a better chance of seeing their Daddy, and it all seemed to be working out pretty well.
Lee was even being sweet, which made Drita purr a little even though she was 99.9999% committed to the impending divorce. As she relived her breakthrough rap tracks and bank robber music video, Lee gave a thumbs up for making more money and Lucky gave a butt up for more scratching.
Meanwhile, Karen and Ramona headed out for a cup of Joe and discussion on whether Karen should try and make up with Drita.
Ramona is probably not the person you want to talk to about Drita, and a smelly fish deli is definitely not where you want to meet up with Ramona. For a city with a Starbucks on every corner, I have no clue why they needed to chill out by the trout tank, but I don’t even drink coffee so I’m not one to judge.
Karen felt that she was in a good place with her tell-all book not marked down yet and the spa bringing in some extra rent money, so she was willing to try and make Renee happy by sitting down with Drita. The only caveat being that she would have to kill Drita on the spot if she even laid one hand on her person, which immediately made Ramona’s eyes glass over.
Ramona was leaning towards saving everyone some time and just killing Drita now, but Karen pretty much nixed that idea and then grabbed a filet for dinner.
Then it was off to see more animals. Big Ang’s crazy jungle print couture.
Love. Me. That. Big. Ang.
Ang and her shiny plumped lips met up with Carla to do a little man bashing. Seems that Joe had not been coming around the house as much as Carla felt he should now that he is out of the halfway house. His first week out he was all about it, and was more than happy to crash on the couch and get any holiday “presents” that Santa Carla felt like delivering his way. Badabing! But lately he has been MIA and Carla is not really happy.
Big Ang’s psychic powers immediately told her that Joe had already scored a new girlfriend using whatever tips and techniques he had picked up in prison over the last 6 years, but she didn’t go into much detail beyond your general man bashing.
Who knew that men could be such great husbands if they didn’t cheat and stay out all night and get drunk and take all your money and go to jail every other year?
It was an odd conversation.
But I love me some Big Ang.
Her son AJ better be loving her too, after she laid down a crisp $1,000 in cash as payment on a birthday chain and a little sumthin sumthin for herself to help celebrate those new hair extensions.
Big Ang and AJ hit up the local Buy & Sell gold joint so her baby boy could pick out a necklace that would make even Flava Flav jealous. AJ snagged a gigantic silver cross on a chain thick enough to get a car out of a snowbank in December.
Bling, Bling, Bahh-ling Dahling.
Ang picked herself up a few diamonds to accentuate her new I Dream of Jeannie ponytail and then had to scoot home to start cooking up AJ’s birthday pig. The jewelry store owner seemed just a little too excited by the menu as Ang and AJ listed off every edible, and questionably edible, pork portion that they were serving.
Honestly, I think the guy was more excited by the sautéed pig nibblies than the $1,000 sitting on the counter. But I don’t eat pig nibblies or drink coffee, so again…not one to judge.
I will, on the other hand, judge the other AJ’s girlfriend.
After receiving a call from AJ#2′s school, Renee realized that the whole Junior wire tapping scandal encompassed a wider fallout zone than she originally anticipated. AJ’s grades were suffering, and he was getting a bit standoffish.
Personally, I would have chosen ’how about you do some homework’ as the answer to this problem, but Renee chose bowling instead…which is actually more fun now that I compare the two options.
So Renne, AJ and his girlfriend Sydney all hit the lanes to toss some gutter balls and discuss what was going on inside AJ’s head.
Yeah, AJ has gone through way more than most kids his age. But that doesn’t give him carte blanche to mouth of to his Mom. Especially this close to Mother’s Day, dude.
Check it out. AJ only has one response, regardless of what question you ask.
It can be about girls, school, his father, the Walmart quarterly earnings report…you name it. His eyes get really wide, he gets exasperated and gets all Duh I Know Der Gah I Heard You Wha Duh Auuuugh and looks away.
The fumes from the bowling shoe spray must have been getting to Sydney, because I can think of no other reason why anyone…anyone…would cross Renee. But she did, and calmly blurted out that it’s annoying when someone keeps saying the same thing to AJ. He heard you the first time, bitch.
Renee took that one exactly as you would expect her to take it.
After repeatedly asking AJ to look at her when she talks, I would have smacked those Prada glasses right off his face and then see how his focus improved. Without his specs he probably wouldn’t even realize his mother was trying to strangle his girlfriend by the ball washing machine.
Speaking of googly eyes…Karen’s boyfriend Dave showed up, looking all fly and short stuff NBA with his baggy sweats and new white kicks.
As part of her Manhattan Takeover, Karen wanted her daughter Karina back in New York, and was hoping that Dave would come along as an added bonus. She explained that she had originally left Karina back in Arizona to seclude her from all the media surrounding the book but now she needs her daughter by her side.
Umm. Wasn’t the kid on this national television show last week? Isn’t that the opposite of secluded?
Dave had no intentions of going back to prison. Ten years was enough, thank you.
He’s a changed man….Dave 2.0 all new and improved.
Old Dave or New Dave, he sure looked yummy to Karen as she scanned him up and down like an airport security laser gun. It was all coming back to her now.
Across town, Drita dropped in on her BFF Nicole at the Dance Factory to dish about Ramona. Pretty uneventful, but it gave us all a chance to see fuzzy Lucky again and question whether Drita was starting to become one of those crazies on the Anderson Cooper show who believe their dolls are real children. Let’s just say there were a couple of uncomfortably questionable puppy kisses and move on.
The next evening, Karen and Ramona hit the pool tables to discuss Dave’s crazy swaggah and Karen’s fear of committment. They giggled like teenage girls in the bathroom talking about boys, and pretty much told us all way more than we needed to know about Staten Island mating techniques.
I’ll never be able to stick a pool cue in chalk without having a flashback to that scene.
Thanks for ruining a potentially lucrative Vegas career, Karen.
To burn off some of that adrenaline, it was time to hit the gym. Carla, who thoughtfully color coordinated her workout gear to the gym decor, hit the weight room with Joe.
I’m not sure how it happened, but somehow between last week and this week I swear Joe got a thicker New Yawk accent and now talked out of the side of his mouth like Popeye. I swear I’m not making it up.
As he busted out triceps dips and worked his x-ray vision on Carla’s gluteus maximus, Joe bragged about his new girl friend and how he needs a chick to change his diapers when he’s old.
Now I’ve been a big supporter of Team Joe since he got sprung, and even gave him bonus points for the Mario Lopez dimples, but this week Mr. Ferragamo started to unleash his inner douche and now I may have to turn in my fan club membership card.
Whaddamaddaforyou? Snap out of it.
Finally it was time for the Puppy Bowl!
Drita, Big Ang and Carla brought their babies to the park. Lucky, Louie and Elvis all played and peed their brains out while the girls talked the usual smack.
Well, actually Louie and Elvis did all the playing and peeing. Lucky stayed wrapped in her pink baby blanket on Drita’s lap. When the house burns down I think we know who Drita is going to save first, now don’t we?
Trust me, there was almost as much butt sniffing at the dog park as there was on date night later on with Karen and Dave. After lamenting how her entire family was arrested in 2000 in a major bust, Karen started to play coy with Dave when asked how much she missed him while he was in jail. Then he turned it up a notch and went in for the kill, and before you knew it Karen turned into Snooki and Dave turned into any random juicer on the boardwalk.
The two of them were probably making too much noise to even hear the radio when Renee did her guest spot on Lockdown Love.
Cherry Martinez, proud owner of the best bakery desert/pole stripper name ever, hosts a talk show about incarcerated lovers that I guess I don’t get on iHeart Radio.
Cherry, who is kinda sorta the Staten Island shrinky dink version of a Wendy Williams and Lil’ Kim lovechild, had invited Renee to talk s*** about Junior…and Renee came with both guns locked and loaded. Bam. Between the eyes.
By the time Renee finished her rampage, Cherry probably couldn’t wait to play a Fifty Cent CD and have a cigarette.
Renee definitely got her mojo back. You go, girl.
Then there was just time enough for one last man bashing scene.
Drita got a letter from Lee stating that he wasn’t being moved to Brooklyn after all. He’s staying in a Pennsylvania prison, which is even further away and a guarantee that Aleeya will never see her Daddy now.
That just proved it.
Men are dogs. Get a puppy.